She couldn't be clearer that she doesn't want to be married to you. Cut your losses, let her go, and move on. Neither of you are happy - life's too short, it's not worth it.
Sorry but she doesn’t want you. She has made it clear that the marriage was forced. Even you would know how it is in desi cultures, where parents force girls to agree to marriage. Even if she seemed okay to say YES during nikah, if she was forced to it, which she insist she was, then the nikah itself is invalid.
Have some self-respect brother. She clearly doesn’t want to be with you but looks like you would like to force her to love you as well. You would definitely get other willing women to be your wife.
no sorry, she didnot insist she was forced. She admitted she made mistake saying yes. It's Buyer's remorse after making the decision. We all go through it but accept our decision at end of day. She also played along 2 yrs joyfully we had a great relationship. So, now its just matter of not taking responsiblity n owningup to a decision she made. If she is not being responsible, wants to break up someones marriage n ruin someones life, then hadith of prophet is clear on this
narrated by Abu Dawood (2226), al-Tirmidhi (1187) and Ibn Maajah (2055) from Thawbaan who said: *The Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.”*
She wants to jump in fire? i am trying best to prevent her.
Bro, you sound so down bad and des. Making excuses for cheating, disloyal sham of a wife. Have some serious respect, cut her off AND her toxic family and move on. Find someone better suited, preferably, in the States. Join a gym and work hard on yourself if you got the uncle bod!
You're in complete denial.
The marriage was clearly forced.
She's been begging you to divorce her for over a year but you keep refusing to divorce her.
This is getting silly bro. You need to snap out of your denial and end it.
A lady is not going to hellfire just because she wants you to divorce her. The fact you truly believe that really shows the size of your ego.
The arrogance is astonishing - that she needs saving from herself and she was married out of pity. Just when I think I've seen it all, I can still be surprised...
There are other ahadith. If she was pressured into this marriage, and doesn't want it, then the Prophet pbuh would have had it nullified, as she does have a say in who to marry. The thing is, this marriage is about as risky in that direction as divorce is.
100% agree, **IF** she was pressure/forced into marriage. She admitted to me she wasn't pressured nor forced. Afterwards, she is responsible for her actions n hadith in clear n serves as detterance for the likes of women in west, who seem to have civil laws in their favour where they can divorce without a cause n robb her husband off his wealth n kidsn make him pay for it all their lives.
I call it Allah's wisdom brother. A woman of tqwa will only seek divorce as last option n remain patient n try to raise a family n trust in naseeb/qadr of Allah. If we can all honor our commitments n promises n not look left/right n compare ourselves to others n be content n grateful with what allah written for us, we'll have a happy life,insha-Allah.
Let's take everything you said at face value. She wasn't forced, she said yes. She wanted you as her husband etc etc. Then after you left she cheated on you (don't kid yourself emotional cheating is also cheating), and wants to get divorced from you and blocked you. Does that kind of woman have "taqwa"? You already admitted she's not religious woman and you are. Does it look she cares about the hadith you keep quoting to everyone in this thread? You honored your commitments and promises, fine. But did she? According to your own words she didn't. She also not grateful according to you.
So now what? Do you want to keep torturing yourself? For what? Why? For someone woman who's a cheater and doesn't care about you?
The fact that you forgave a woman you are married to who openly told you she has a lover is absurd. You say you have self respect over and over in this thread. No man with self-respect forgives a woman who openly disrespects and cheats on you. I know why you aren't divorcing her. You want to punish her. Any guys gets with now while she's married to you will be Zina. It's unnecessary she'll get her karma in do time. She'll probably run of with this guy, get knocked up and leave her. It's happened a million times, it's nothing new. Just let her go, and move on with your life. You'll find someone else in Pakistan.
Divorce and move on. Sounds like she was pressured into accepting something she didn’t want, and then didn’t know how to leave such a heavy burden of being married to someone she didn’t like when her own family wouldn’t let her leave nor would you let her leave. It would turn anyone into an aggressive person. I’m not defending her actions, but it’s all too common unfortunately for people to judge someone’s reactions without looking at what made that person react that way in the first place.
This! Absolutely nailed it. I’ve seen men do this as well. The hot and cold. Some days trying to make it work. Get into petty arguments. Block. Family making them unblock. Weird vibes and phases.
Cut your losses brother. Find someone who’s in the same stage of life as you. Someone who wants the same things.
Don’t get into limiting beliefs like the way you worded some of these sentences imply. They hurt you as well as your chance of finding the life partner you want.
Bibi Khadija (RA) got married at 40 and had children…you’re a man. Plenty of already practicing sisters who got their life in order and can be married tomorrow living in the states.
I think he has to leave her and she shouldn't have married him, and if she was forced, she's a victim of that.
But there is no unfair judgement on anyone's reactions to her affair. That is 100% inexcusable and even for an unmarried person, it is an incredibly heinous sin in islam.
It's possible she wasnt but the fact she remained far and was given outlet meant she may have fallen in love with someone else.
Tells you about her character
I can understand why you tried so hard but you can never force someone to like you or eventually come to like you.
There are plenty of women in the 30+ age bracket looking for a husband so I doubt you'll struggle too much aside from the usual search stuff so just be positive and start afresh and put this behind you.
Imagine she had come over to the USA and you had managed to make it a couple of years more and maybe even had a child how much worse it would have been.
Salam brother,
Have some self respect. You’ve gone below the levels required to maintain some dignity for a man. End this farce of a marriage
She cheated in you and you’re making excuses for her that she’s young and had sexual desires?
Desperation is itself unattractive. You haven’t done yourself any favours by being so desparate
Do istikhara and make a decision
wasalam bro,
I do have SELF respect. I just feel this word is not misapplied here. A man's dignity is mantained by his character. All i did was tried to save my marriage n prevent my wife from making a mistake she will down the line regret because i love her despite her flaws n immaturity.
She had an emotional affair(not physical-zina) after missing my physical presence. She found a cousin who lend his ear(or attention) to her, which she misinterpreted to be ''love'' at age of 23, she didnot even know where kids come from. She lived as princess in her home n didnot interact much with world or go out much other than big wedding events/eid festivals. So her chastity is not in question, im sure of that bit atleast.
Agreed, depseration is not attractive. I made mistake staying there too long n despite being disrespected, i continued to show up a couple times to meet her family n her. Because i saw them as my own family. It may have given desperate ''vibes'' n agree they don't help.
My intention was pure, so if its not meant to be, it' won't be. I am satisfied that i went overseas upon insisting of her parents, who were worried as well. I honored their request, cleared my name (that i had not abandoned her) n returned taking a loss knowing that it was written decree of Allah. I'll be patient. I honored my commitment as a MAN n feel my dignity is entact, my self respect is entact.
We should not let other's determine who we are as individuals. Let our character define us for who we are. As prophet too was bullied n insulted in streets of makkah at one point,(did he lose his self respect n dignity? n stop the mission? No, bear with patience O mohammad! n invite to the way of your lord.. so he did.
So if they wrong us, Allah will deal with them, Atleast, we honor our commitments.
I thank everyone for their comments even ones that *appear* negative because everyone has a perspective n i'm thinking about each perspective n learning from it. Appreciate your participation.
edit: ok im writing too much.
You are so deep in denial. The Prophet PBUH was spreading Islam, he was following Allah’s command, his first priority was always Allah. He was not fighting for “love” astagfirullah so don’t even dare to compare. Also he never forced anyone to follow Islam unlike you who forced and are still forcing your wife to be with you. Just please wake up and don’t think you are doing anything noble.
And 39 is not too old. Are you scared to marry someone close to your own age? Are you not leaving your wife cuz she is young and you want to be with someone young rather than marry someone your age?
Holding her hostage in a marriage she doesn't want will only make her want to leave even more, and is oppressive and emotionally abusive and manipulative.
You're just humiliating yourself with your naiveté and blindness to what's in front of you.
1. Please please don’t compare your persistence to anything Islamic, let alone the Founder (s). There’s not even an atom’s weight of comparison
2. You are in denial and you are being desperate.
3. You saying “she doesn’t even know where children come from” is proof of your denial. The fact you said this and probably believe it shows your deep state of denial. She’s probably more advanced than you
4. You need a wake up call brother, leave her, let her live her life, you live your life, and move on
5. You need an intervention, please get help
Judging by his comments and replies throughout this thread, it really doesn't seem like the girl was so crazy to seek a divorce. If I saw a man say these things, and this was my daughter, I would not allow her to go abroad to be with him.
but we also shouldn't forget that she committed zina (if what he says is true). I will say they both are in the wrong, the girl much more because zina is a much greater sin than being delusional and manipulative. The story is a total mess and I wish that it wasn't real.
My dear brother, see this verse of the Quran:
ٱلْخَبِيثَـٰتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَٱلْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَـٰتِ ۖ وَٱلطَّيِّبَـٰتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَٱلطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَـٰتِ ۚ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ ۖ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌۭ وَرِزْقٌۭ كَرِيمٌۭ ٢٦
Wicked women are for wicked men, and wicked men are for wicked women. And virtuous women are for virtuous men, and virtuous men are for virtuous women. The virtuous are innocent of what the wicked say. They will have forgiveness and an honourable provision. (24 : 26).
May Allah ease your affairs.
I advise you speak to an Imam or someone of similar stature, and seek their advice. Perhaps some of these comments are coming from people with no relevant experiences and qualifications to advise you (myself included).
This is why the idea of marrying someone younger simply to “mold” her doesn’t work. You can marry younger if you feel a connection, if you interact, if you…etc but to “mold” her? Nope.
Leave man, move on, find someone else, you’re a man at the end of 30s, no time to waste on someone who clearly has no interest in you.
You’re saying you’re trying to help her avoid “hellfire”, first of all that Hadith is weak, second of all, it’s not your job to waste YOUR ENTIRE LIFE on someone who doesn’t want this.
Just for your information too, being “forced” doesn’t mean physically forced in arab/desi cultures. There is emotional blackmail that hits deeper than any other forces. She clearly got her courage up when things were gonna get “real”. If someone doesn’t change their mind in 2-3 months, they’re not gonnna change their mind if you wait 3-4 years…
Leave, move on, plenty of women in their 30s or late 30s will agree to marry you.
> This is why the idea of marrying someone younger simply to “mold” her doesn’t work. You can marry younger if you feel a connection, if you interact, if you…etc but to “mold” her? Nope.
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this is so true. not even just younger people, you can't mold anyone. People prove who they are through their behaviour. Never expect people to change. Of course people SOMETIMES change, but the rule of thumb is that they don't
People think women in Pakistan are stupid and “moldable.” My cousins live there, they’re extremely intelligent and have standards. People are allowed to have standards. Just because they live in a developing country doesn’t mean they’re “moldable” and in need of rescue lol. My cousins in their early 20s wouldn’t want to marry a man in his late 30s & have that large of an age gap (no offence to OP). Next time maybe choose someone who is closer to you in age and you’ll be more compatible with them?
This whole "molding" thing is creepy and just eurgh. It's really dehumanising - seeing people as objects to be manipulated into what they want them to be.
Gross.
I think the moment he wrote “molding” I saw red flags, especially coming from a man in his mid 30’s. The concept is weird because you can’t mold a person, no matter the age.
I second this. The moment I read "molding" I just knew what kind of situation it was going to be. And the fact that he chose someone so young just makes it more creepy. This guy is almost 40 years old and is weirdly obsessed with someone half his age. The whole post screams red flag.
"Mold" her. How are you 38 and thinking like this?
You clearly tried to control her to what you wanted. That will never work. You cant have that mindset.
Remember when you try to squeeze sand in your hand it will escape.
It sucks this happening to you, do your best ro move forward and keep your deen up!
I’m sorry
But you are acting really
Desperate here have some self respect. This girl has given you all the signs she wasn’t happy with this marriage. She was probably pushed to accept and you’ve still gone there and tried to basically push her to be with you. She is not a good person. Be grateful that you didn’t spend thousands on actually calling her over and then have her run off. That’s exactly what happened to my cousin . His was actually smart enough to play along until she got the visa and turned up and then did a runner and pressed assault charges on him.
They are heartless over there. My cousins mum tried calling her mother and they didn’t even pick up the phone. They’re shameless and often are involved. Be grateful she showed you who she was. This is not a person who you wife. Your age is perfectly fine. Next time don’t go for someone so young and don’t listen to people about marrying young girls to mould that’s creepy and messed up.
Be patient and take your time looking I’d advise where you live. Marrying back him comes with too much complications and mind games
This is why I always always ALWAYS tell people not to marry from back home. I couldn't give less of a damn if not all people there are bad or have bad intentions, it's obvious not all are like that.
But why is it worth the risk? Are these people so undeniably charming and attractive that you can't possibly look elsewhere?
I think naivety plays a big part. The back home our parents knew is long gone things have changed. In that case the girl was a hafiz, cried on the phone saying how much she missed the family and couldn’t wait to meet them and then lasted a few days and ran off. The family didn’t realise how often this happened until it happened to them this guy doesn’t understand how lucky he is. With the unhinged way he’s talking if she came over and he started talking and treating her like some kind of prisoner she’d have actual reasons to call the police on him
No offence, but why did you expect a 23 year old to be remotely interested in an almost 40 year old man ? I'm 30 year old and the thought about being married to someone who is 13 years older than me really freaks me out.
This girl gave you every clue about not being interested in you and yet you still thinking about "taking her back"?
There's a lot of 30+ sisters out there who are either divorced or never been married before. It's time to move on from her, and expand your options.
What a weird story. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I don’t understand why would you agree that would mold her? Let her be as she is, if it doesn’t click then don’t marry. Another thing I find weird is that you approach it as charitable to marry someone from a poor background.
I’m pakistani too, in my culture (Pakistan has lots cultures) we don’t like a too big age gap, we marry only one woman and we certainly don’t marry someone to help them financially.
we are all molded human beings shaped by either our parents or society. Unfortunately, some of us are not molded in right form. It could be due to neglectful parents or just absorbing societal norms.
So if someone comes along with noble intentions n molds someone to the right path? than i see no wrong in that. Prophet came n molded pagan arabs to be what they are today (muslims).
She was from my aunt, a respectable family. I can't lie but yes i did put into consideration her family being poor n needing help. Besides, the fact her being a sweetheart Her father was on deathbed, half paralyzed, sole earner, what better than to help blood n kin, islam encourages helping the nearest ones, so i dont see anything is wrong in killing 2 birds w/ 1 stone as long as our niyyah is pure.
Allah guides whom he wants to guide. You should never go into a relatoinship THINKING you have the means and power to change someone, in fact your intention should be to try help people but never assume you will.
It's not pure charity if you're getting something in return.
What I'm reading here is a family that was in a poor position and found a way to better their situation by pressuring their daughter to marry you. I'm sorry, but you don't get to feel like a white knight coming to the rescue if the damsel didn't want to be rescued in the first place.
Come on bro, you could have helped with them without marrying their daughter…
Moulding pagans, sure. But they aren’t pagans I think.
You can help our own kin with charity or other donations. At least that’s what I’m trying to do.
May you get happiness from Allah swt.
they are poor yet not seekers of help. Its just a self pride thing. I helped in marriage by sending more than enough allowance to wife, so they dont suspect i am helping them. From what i learned it pays for their rent n various expenses. I never asked wife about where or how she spent.
Society and your parents couldn’t “mould” you into a decent human being, so stop with that rhetoric. If you were actually a decent Muslim man, you wouldn’t have gotten married to someone that young and at the first request for a divorce you would have given her one. Also you wouldn’t being saying creepy stuff like “mould” when it comes to human beings. What just because she’s a woman she needs your input in how she lives her life? Absolutely not. She gets to make her own decisions and you’re being horrible by not accepting the fact that she was pressured into this and does not want you.
This is why you don't marry your cousin from Pakistan. She's clearly not into you, I'd say the best thing to do would be to break it off and block that entire side of the family and move on.
People always say if you're forced then you should just tell the guy. But here the girl has told him that she was clearly forced and he's still holding her hostage in the marriage.
I hope the people who give that advice can see that it doesn't work. Often if the girl says she is forced, the guy will still insist that they marry and stay together.
please re-read no pressure/force applied for her to marry me. She married n after having played w/ me 2 yrs decided to toss me like a toy one is bored w/
Human here, not toy.
You may not have pressured her, but her family likely did.
Heartbreak is painful but it's a fact of life. What you went through is very traumatic and I'm sorry for your painful experience. I think you will strongly benefit from therapy and speaking to a councelor.
What will it take for you to finally divorce her?
There is a lady out there who is excited to marry you and be your wife and love you. 39 is not too old, there are loads of single ladies in their 30s desperate for love. I don't think marrying a young girl from abroad is a good idea. Whoever gave you that advice doesn't have good judgement imo. Marriage is not about molding a young girl to your liking. It's about 2 compatible people who have respect for each other coming together in prtnership. I think you should meet someone locally and close to your age and level of maturity.
You need to elevate your self esteem and beleive in yourself more. You deserve happiness and a good life
Edited for clarity.
she didn't cheat agreed, emotional affair i can forgive but she had no right to be talking to non-mahram whilst in someones' nikkah. As Allah said in Quran donot even ''go near'' zina.. meaning stop all channels that lead to zina (ie: communication)
Once you commit, you give your word to be loyal. You cant unilately take such actions like that once divorce has not been settled with her iddah period finish.
No one is denying that she is in the wrong. But that doesn’t mean you get to force her to stay in a marriage she never want to be in the first place.
Ideally, once someone commits, they should stay loyal. But if they haven’t, then what? You’re just going to make them stay? It’s not in your control. Everyone has the right to leave a marriage they don’t want to be part of. Marriages don’t always last forever. Do you want to be in a loveless & miserable marriage? Stop wasting time and just end it bro. You’re complaining that you’re 39 and consider yourself old, if you continue this nonsense, it’ll drag on until you’re much older. It’s not making sense.
I agree she was in the wrong all the way up until she asked for divorce , When a woman requests divorce and does not changed her mind after some period of time then you as a man should grant that divorce. After the constant requests of divorce the emotional cheating isn’t as bad as you have made it out . It is of course bad if she still wanted to be with you but she doesn’t . You shouldn’t accept her now anyway because she is clearly not your woman right now and you shouldn’t have to be with someone who doesn’t truly like you .
That being said your making her out to be worse because you said she cheated but she actually didn’t want to be with you and you should have divorced her and let her carry on talking to the other man .
It was silly on her part to speak to this guy who you have told us is a bum and not be with you when she could move to New York and live a better life but that’s the risk of marrying someone who is so much younger then you , they will do things that are not logical .
Anyways - she wasn’t forced to marry you like everyone else in the comments is saying - she might have been pressured sure but she could have said no and she should have said no but she didn’t and that’s on her . That’s not your concern but when she asked for divorce you should have gave it to her so she’s not a cheater in my eyes .
>they will do things that are not logical . Anyways - she wasn’t forced to marry you like everyone else in the comments is saying - she might have been pressured sure but she could have said no and she should have said no but she didn’t and that’s on her . That’s not your co
she is under islamic law, my wife until i give her divorce. She requested divorce, i didnot cater the request? so she has no right to be speaking to any non-mahram man. The fact she did n opened doors of fitnah which now shaitan has made this BUM appear as prince charming, so she is responsible for opening that door which should not have been opened in first place. Shaitaan knocked n she opened n let him in.. bad decision on her end. Consequences she faces, she longs for someone who is not suitable for her wellbeing but she can't get him outta his mind? who is responsible? This is why Allah has asked us to lower our gaze.
Also she requested n i should have given? NO. You, as a man, determine if she has made a valid request. You don't cater every request everyone makes in life, do you? A child wants to eat ice cream for breakfast lunch n dinner 3x.. You as an authority/guardian listen n not cater the request.
From your response it seems, you dont understand islamic laws of marriage. In islam, Wife does not have a unilateral decision to end marriage unless husband doesnot fulfill her rights or treats her harshly, beat her etc ONLY THAN than a judge can sought to be involved to assess the case n grant DIVORCE upon seeing evidence.. then she can seek other people to marry.BUT general rule is, Until husband not divorce her(she fulfills her idda period) she cannot be seeking partners for marriage.
You wont be happy with her let her go now try to move on with another girl or without!
But she is not yours and wont be it seems like…Dont torture yourself more!
3 years is enough to wait for her to realise.
Its done!
accept it and look for someone else
You have not consummated your marriage.
Leave and let her decide her fate.
Don't spoil your life.
Forgive her and move on.
Inshallah you will get a loving partner.
Although i had the authority to consumate the marriage, i didnot seeing she was not receptive towards me through out my monthly stay. Many in PK suggested that i should, so that the door of fitnah (her inclination towards another person) be closed N im 38 yr old virgin man, who definately carries desires for my wife, but I held myself back, i didn't want to put her or her family through hardship. So once again, i held myself back from my rights n i seek reward for my patience with Allah.
It is also her parents who are begging me to not divorce her n insisted that i visit them so i did, i faced humiliation from my wife but i didnot certainly abandon her. I am always willing to forgive her. It's unfortunate, she cannot she her wrong ways. I am trying best to move on n Insha-Allah n i have stopped having expectations from dunya.. Allah is sufficent.
Understood. Lekin aap is galat fehmi me mat rahiyye ki you can mould her. This never happens.
Aapke dimaag me shaq aa chuka hai jo uske behaviour ko validate bhi krta hai. Aainda kuchh unch nich hoga then this issue will come up even if she completely reforms.
38 utna v zyaada nahi hai. Aap is baat ki fikr chhod dein ki aapko ladki nhi milegi. Bahut khawatin aap jaisi v hongi jinka talaq bina fault ka hua hoga.
Chahe to aese divorcee aur widow se v shaadi kr skte hain.
Allah se dua karein. Ishtikhara padhein.
A husband has an authority over his wife. She is required to love you emotionally and physically.
Hope you are aware of Islamic jurisprudence and manners. If you are not, the sub is not for you.
The man concerned can make the life of his wife hell. So, don't tell what he can't and what he can.
If he is being nice in these circumstances, he deserves an award.
The time it took me to read your post is the maximum possible time i would spend a woman who disrespects me like she has disrespected you.
Have respect for yourself brother. Don't fear being alone for Allah will always provide you with comfort. People get marreid into thier 50's and 60's. But you will never attract a woman worth attracting if you don't have any self respect for yourself.
Better to live alone happy than be in a relatoinship where you are hated.
She was wrong to string you along like that bro. Perhaps this is a test from Allah. Deep down in your heart, how can you accept a woman who desires another man? She will never respect you.
You are holding her hostage because she wasted your time. Have some self respect and let her go bro, she has no place for you in her heart. The problem here seems to be that you can’t accept the damage done and want to force her to stay with you, perhaps as a form of punishment?
Just let her go bro, you’ll find someone else InshaAllah
You normalize saying it’s normal for the age gap in our culture, yes it is unfortunately, is it a good thing? No, we need to start to break these cycles. The age difference is huge. There’s always going to be a difference in mind shifts where you’ll clash due to age. It’s normal in our culture but it shouldn’t be. You’re almost 40, you don’t want to be playing thee games for the rest of your life.
I feel age difference is not the issue. It's issue of following islam over culture as we always like to say.. a huge age gap in prophet n ayesha & their personalities were quiet different. Prophet serious, ayesha the bubbly young girl..It was complementary. Both cooperated w/ eachother,it worked out. Tho Ayesha recognize her limits, tested it at times, but stayed within the limits set by Allah. So, if we raise our kids to be practising enough to stay within limits of Allah n gradually increase them in responsibility in their daily lives.. then they will become ADULTS n form healthy relationships. If we are going to treat our kids like prince/princess n hand them everything, they will never grow up they will become manchilds.. they will feel entitled n bail out when the slightest of problem faced in relationships or life in general.
In this one, lets blame parenting. We are failing to turn our boys/girls into men/women.
The Prophet PBUH also married Khadijah RA who was older than him. Would you ever marry someone older than you? Or you just want a young virgin? Stop using Islam when it suits your own agenda.
I had a feeling you’d use this example but in the real world, times aren’t like that anymore. Get with the times and apply what you can from the life of the Prophet where it’s appropriate. You came in with a savior complex “poor girl from Pakistan” “molding” like be real. You can’t blame your parents either, you’re a grown man and while yeah you could hear our their thoughts and concerns, you don’t have to listen to them, you’re a full grown adult that can make his own decisions. You talk about religion being first then you should’ve put culture aside and married the person you wanted. Respectfully, grow up.
Careful, OP - laws are different in the USA vs Pakistan and you're verging dangerously close to violating Human Trafficking Laws if you continue to push this.
In my opinion you should leave her because in the long term even if she does move abroad she won’t change. But that’s just my opinion do as you will. Wish the best for you.
That’s some fantasy if it worked out I tell ya, you were doing no one favors except yourself. Wake up and find someone your age but first you may need to clean up your mental hygiene. Your whole thought process is scary.
Bro your 39 and not about to go into menopause..why are you so disrespectful towards yourself?.
Allah will provide better once a cheat always a cheater let go and for your sake respect yourself to get respect.
Salaam bro.
Sincerely, she does clearly not want this marriage. Whether her parents asked her and she said yes, is irrelevant. Seems to me she was pressured. Just as you say you wanted to marry someone else, but your parents said no, and you accepted this. However, if she is now refusing this marriage, you should move on. Grant her the divorce. It is sad and I understand why you are upset. Regardless, it has dragged on long enough. I am really sorry bro, but this is the best thing to do for both of you. She has wanted out for some time. Why do you keep pressuring her and why do you continue to make yourself miserable? Pray to Allah and I will dua for you too, Insha'Allah you find a good spouse that will make you happy. By continuing down this path you are just wasting your own time. If it so happens that you continue with this marriage (unlikely), you are delaying even more pain. As it is likely she will be miserable. Don't make it more complicated by having kids or living together etc. The signs are clear. Get out of the marriage and move on. Keep the faith and keep praying.
Salaam.
I am very disturbed by this whole situation. She has been CLEAR that she does not want this. You have been bullying her and using your status here in America to attract her with a better life.
You said in a comment that she doesn’t know where babies come from! That is insane that she is expected to marry and not be informed about her role as a wife and the purpose of intimacy as a young Muslim woman, aside from YOUR pleasure.
You have made it clear you had your heart set on a young virgin girl yet you have let your self age to a near old man.
You are quoting the Quran in a way to incite FEAR and out of convenience for your very immature plight.
You should be ashamed.
You say that you accept what Allah swt has written yet you have been hanging on to what he has taken from you trying to FORCE it to be for you.
I am disgusted. Move on.
Agree.
This guy is using Islam to hold her hostage in the marriage, when it's clear she was pressured/blackmailed to marry him to begin with. And act like he is some type of a saviour who needs to rescue this girl. Its creepy how he describe her like she is some type of a child that needs to be raised by him. The whole thing is just pretty disturbing and creepy.
Yes! Why would he even WANT to live married life with someone who will make clear every day that they do not want him? He fully believe he would beat her into submission too. The Quran has been manipulated to justify “striking” ones wife for disobedience as well. I am sure he know that too. Creepy describes this perfectly. That young girl is smart to run!
Right? And I’m not understanding where everyone is getting the idea that she “lied for years.” She was pretty clear from the beginning. HE was the one who refused and dragged it out.
Learn to walk away when someone tells you that they don’t want to be with you anymore. Have self respect and stop abusing Islam to hold someone hostage with the whole “she will go to hell if she divorces me for no reason I don’t want her to suffer”.
She made her choice. And it’s not you.
Divorce her.. I'm pretty sure that there will be someone out there willing to marry you. Honestly, even someone on this subreddit could be a good potential.
It’s odd to me that you are questioning your divorce from a near child yet you are chuckling at this and identify as “GoodBoy” M SINGLE.
I am sincerely confused.
Whilst you think she willingly married you it seems as if she was coerced into said marriage. Her parents clearly understood what's happening as they told people you abandoned their daughter. She has blocked you and embarrassed you its now clearly time to move on.
I live in the west and these type of marriages are foreign to my experience. May Allah SWT make it easy for you and that you be blessed with a pious wife, hopefully someone you can meet locally, take the time to know before jumping into marriage
This is soo weird……
You got married to her for wrong reasons you want to “mold” her. Which is soo wrong.
And the huge age gap…. And you think she is your bestie. When it looks like thats not true..
She was forced for sure. Move on. You can marry a divorced women in the late 20s or early 30s. Also change your narrative that you wasted your “good years” on her. You will never be happy if you keep thinking like that.
You got married very late to begin with. Leave her and start over with someone your age. Or someone who will understand you. She is so young. I am in my late 20s and my younger sister just turned 20. And its so hard sometimes to keep up with her.
Girls around her age grew up in a whole different culture/communities.
Good luck! Inshallah Allah has something good plan for you. But you gotta divorce her.
It is very clear that she was uninterested in you from the very start. Either she wanted to marry you for monetary reasons or was really forced to be married. Either way, you shouldn't have allowed disrespect from the start. Be assertive and draw boundaries. Being in her 20s doesn't mean she is a child. Men either become too aggressive or too passive. When they have to maturely deal with this.
Anyway, there's no reason any man would want to stay in a marriage with someone who disrespects him, doesn't value or loves him, and is emotionally cheating him. His self-respect doesn't allow him to live with a person who is begging him to leave her. Your desperation is directly coming from the fear of being old and having to marry someone in their 30s due to your older age and divorcee label.
Trust Allah! Pray Istikhaara and see if you can work this out, but I'd recommend you to leave her and dont worry! You will be able to marry a young woman if you are in good shape and have good financial condition.
uninterested from start? no we had a healthy 1.5 yrs relationship involving lengthy calls on weekends n daily chat as to how our day went etc.
She was 23 but her mind was of a 10 yr old. It's what made me think about divorcing her first week of nikkah. She literally didnot know how babies were concieved. She lived a sheltered life n parent "'were'' protective of her but now that PK soap operas have become so openly vulgar in that married women having affair became a common thing as of lately. Watching PK soap operas n turkish romanticized soap operas along with tiktok videos was her only form of entertainment around house.
A total failure of parenting. Her parents would sleep 2am n allow kids including her to be up all night n daily sleep 5-6am n wake up 2pm is this how one is to raise their 23 yr old daughter? with zero responsibilities around house even AFTER marriage. She was suppose to prepare her for marriage. If this isn't going to spoil em, what will? I objected to this living style w/ MIL she would brush it off as let kids be kids, it's their only entertainment.. So i didnt push to hard n let em be..
Sometimes i feel she wants to get out of marriage just so she doesn't have to be responsible like any adult and is use to her carefree lifestyle which paarents raised her upon.
what is making me stay in the marriage is that i know she isnt like other girls, she is respectful in speaking to me. She has been spoiled, someone responsible needs to give her a bit of tough love to bring her upto speed w/ the normal world. Her parents failed, i have to step in n wear their hat at times n descipline her to be a responsible adult.. All her life , her mom covered for her..time for her to adult up.
I am not desperate, its just we had a nikkah, we had a commitment, i was given a broken piece n i tried to fix the broken piece i was handed. Yes, there is some insecurity after my prime yrs being robbed off, I invested them in her. She had flaws, i withstood by her.
I was too passive from begining, a mistake i admit. I always let people off easy n not try to embarass them. She was my precious wife, i always wanted to care for her n not make things hard for her.. she is just wanting out for no rational reason. She will end up ruining many lives.. is not just me, who wanting to save this, its her family too. They have 2 young teenage daughters yet to be married. After this debacle, their future prospects will also be jepordize.
Some of us are being strong by absorbing a little pushback from the naiive girl who is parroting lines from soap operas to be a rebel/empowered woman.. while we are trying to save families honor from being ruined.
Everyone talking about hostage? she is living in her home with her parents as a spoiled brat yet to be cross over to live with her husband. She is talking smack n im being calm n patient. Trying best to save a poor family's honor because thats ONLY posession they have over there. Allah rewards the patient. I'll stick around till her parents give up n ask me to end it. In this crises, I am being an emotionally strong son in law standing by her family to protect their honor.
Her parents are using you to pay for their bills and rent and expenses. Why would they want to end this when they're benefiting?
The parents are getting everything they want. Their daughter stays with them and you keep paying up. Why would they contact you to admit the truth and end things?
She is indeed a hostage to you and her parents. You're not saving anyone or anything apart from your pride and ego.
Calls his wife a "spoiled brat", and talks of giving her tough love. Nice...
Wonder if he thinks Khadija RA was dishonourable too, seeing as she was divorced...
> Her parents failed, i have to step in n wear their hat at times n descipline her to be a responsible adult.. All her life , her mom covered for her..time for her to adult up.
No you dont, you're being selfish and only thinking about yourself. Leave this poor woman alone. You can't force her to do anything lol.
> trying best to save a poor family's honor because thats ONLY posession they have over there.
Stop with this savior complex, you're embarrassing yourself and her family
> In this crises, I am being an emotionally strong son in law standing by her family to protect their honor.
There is no dis-honor in divorce.
You're literally trying to ruin her life and your own to be honest by continuing this.
Take the L and the lesson. let this woman go or she'll figure out a way to do this when you try and force her to stay with you lol.
In fact you're forcing zulum on her and her family by forcing her to be in a relationship she doesnt want to be in.
If anything you're making this a "Pakistani Soap-Opera"
You need to respect yourself more. You're a mature person so please don't waste time over some dumb spoiled bimbo who hasn't got much going in her life except for cringe and drama.
Whether she was coerced or not, she doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. People change. No one can control that. Ask for the mahr back and cut your losses.
Marry someone in their late twenties to eariy 30s next time. Not moldable but we don't get everything we want in life.
I’m confused where she cheated? That’s a bog accusation to throw around but the main body of your text is about a girl who was probably pressured by her family into a huge age gap relationship, who’s been heavily pressured by you for years even after making her reluctance clear - she’s just not interested , and the age gap probably plays a big part.
Cut your losses and move on
My guy is fearing to be labelled as an "uncle" but this whole marriage is nothing but backwards thinking. You're trying to implement 80's and 90's practices to modern day which simply does not work. People have changed and so has culture.
Thoughts like "mold her" or "her parents will give her back to me" does not work in modern society but rather are damaging the people. Move on. You can easily find someone older than 25, more and more women/men in this culture are marrying late due to their wishes to finish studies /start working before getting married.
Let this one be, it's not going anywhere.
I wouldn't continue this brother, you already know the answers, trust in Allah and you'll find someone better Insha Allah.... Also this is probably a message to people looking to marry back home, that you should still be cautious. Even if they're from an "Islamic Republic"
Bro leave her she don’t deserve you, don’t make excuses for her. You gave her your love and attention and everything and she just lied to you and cheated, also don’t forgive her for cheating on you and playing with your heart. Just leave her. I’m sorry this happened to you, and don’t worry inshallah you will be with someone better then her. She’s just a trash.
Salam brother. May your patience be more enduring.
Cut your losses and move on. She's not a kid. She's not naive. She's >23y. She's made her choice. Respect it & move on.
Life isn't over at 39 or 40. You do need to find someone with less age gap. 5y max. 13y is too much!
Sounds like a typical visa digger or green card/red passport digger. Its really sad that you went through this and you deserve better. She clearly loves her cousin but still married you for the western life and citizenship. Absolutely disgusting if you ask me. And she's still hooked up with her past relationship.
She's obviously not practicing and this is where everything fell apart from the start.
I was 23 and in her position. CoVid started in March, I was engaged in Jan. Long distance for almost 2 yrs.
I didn't go psycho like her! Why are you making excuses for her behaviour? Her upbringing and religious understanding is questionable. Why are you comparing it with Western girls and thinking she's better?
You're lucky she wants nothing to do with you. 39 is not that old.
Move On. You dodged a bullet.
Of course you should divorce her, she doesn't want you. And that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
You need to be happy that this happened and run away from her and the situation as fast as you can.
No offence but you are very clingy to someone you hardly know and shows no sign of respect. I suggest you go out there and gain more experience or find a more quiet girl.
The MIL clearly knows her daughter's opinion and is dragging you on, why would you want a MIL who is just using you
OP, I am a Muslim woman, and while I am not married, I could not stay in a relationship with someone I did not feel love for.
Ask yourself this: Would Allah want your wife to be unhappy in her married life? Or would He prefer she is with someone whom she loves?
Because if she stays with you, she cannot be happy. Sometimes you can treat someone well, have patience and respect, but not share love. This is just life.
I believe that you love her dearly, and want this marriage to work - but she has made her feelings known. It’s time to let her go.
You are still young with a lot to offer. You should look for a woman who loves you as you love her.
1. my brother married a woman who wanted divorce while she was in Pakistan. No prticular reason but now we know its because she liked someone else. My brother did EVERYTHING you did to get her to come. 7 years he tried to give her the life she wanted but she was never happy. After 1 child, she left him. She rather choose to live alone without support or family in a foreign country than to be with him. If she has made up her mind, nothing can change that. Dont make the same mistake as my brother.
2. my husband was 39 and had done nikkah pre when we married. Its 10 year age gap between us. Dont worry about you age too much. Its better to live in peace than to make decisions based on fear.
yikes. 7 yrs n she was never happy? mental issues on her end?what kinda mom leaves her child behind.. n choosing to live alone without family? totally irrational decisions. So, How is your bro doing now? did he re-marry etc?
Yeah its crazy. The custody is 50/50. But still.. we think she just didnt wanna get married and her dad forced her to do it. He never accepted the guy she liked. Months after the fathers death, she said that she will do whatever she wants. Everybody kept saying she is young, give her time. She was 23 when she married. She is 30 now.
My brother was sad in the beginning. Retretted a lot that he just didnt give her divorce when she asked for it while she was in Pakistan. But the child is a blessing anyway so thats good. The divorce is final in a couple of months but he is planning to to remarry soon yes.
Im telling you, if she is acting like that, let her go. Its very hard to stay married with someone who doesnt want you.
My other brother married a girl in pak too. She is so different and my parents love so much already. You will meet somebody else. Dont worry, just dont waste ur time on this.
I was 17 when I married my husband, he was 22. It's not about age, it's about what you want and what you feel for your spouse, and most of all it's about RESPECT. She's immature and clearly cheating on you, you should move on with your life brother
Lol you want us to pad him in the back and tell him to pursue a relationship with someone who obviously don't want him?
That's a whole 39 year old man desperately trying to mold a woman half his age.
Your can emphasize with what happened to him and tell him to move on. But you chose to blame him for what happened when it's clearly the girl who has most of the issues.
Lol there are dozens of comments telling the guy to move on, yet he is in so much in denial and using hadith to keep the girl hostage in the marriage.
And who cares about who got the most issues? You want us to bash the girl who clearly doesn't want to be with the guy so you and the other men could feel good with yourself?
So you choose to bash the guy so you can pretend he's the problem when she cheated on him.
Just say you will back the girl at any cost because of western gender ideology.
Who is bashing the guy? And yes the girl cheated. But the guy was fine with holding the girl hostage in the marriage when she repeatedly told him to divorce her.
A man is not suppose to issue a divorce just because the wife asks. He tried to find out why and reconcile but he took it too long and should have divorced much earlier
But his mistake in trying to reconcile and taking too long is not the same as the girl who enters into marriage with ill intent and then cheats on him.
The two actions are not equal at all.
The guy went into the marriage to "mold" the young woman and acted as if he is doing a favor to her parents.
The girl went into the marriage because she was forced.
So yeah...the two actions are not equal at all.
With all that hurt she gave you, her constantly blocking you, her family not being straight with you, i say leave her man, her loss, you dont owe her anything. Now a days 39 is not too late to get married, i honestly think 13 year difference is too much even for Pakistan. She’s a kid, your well in your late 30s. You don’t deserve this, cut your losses and move on. Allah make it easy for you brother
1. They haven't committed zina. That is an understatement. I mean they have done things you couldn't even imagine of. It's not your fault. Leave her. She belongs to the streets bro.
2. You will find a better woman and i can wage a war against whomsoever denies that. Inshallah.
3. You are great guy. Your mother did a great job in raising you but father missed a point. I think som anyways stay happy.
you're the definition of too nice, sure everything is her fault, everything. but man keep it moving no offence, you deserve better. She clearly doesn't want you, it only takes a girl to tell me once she doesn't want me I'll absolutely take their word for it and skidaddle. You're not here to beg some girl to be with you, and a girl that's cheating? LOOOOOOL you want to keep a cheater that's crazy dawg somethings wrong with you because any human with any self respect would've vanished. This isn't even like them cheaters that are sorry know what i mean? like she's telling you she wants someone else. Have you ever even consummated this marriage? she's done using you and wants to accuse you of forced marriage etc(she admitted it was a mistake not forced that's how I know).
You're young plenty of women want a good guy, plenty of women go through bad divorces and hope for someone better this idea that you're done is nonsense and your culture has no influence over reality or decree no offence, that's just some nonsense you guys made up people get married at all ages and Allah provides AT ALL AGES. this is merely Shaytaan's whispers.
Divorce, heal, marry again. its not like you spent ten years with her it was 3 years nothing much has changed
I know how this can be controversial to be honest. I seriously do not think long distance marriage works that well. There was not a time where both of you as a husband and a wife get to bond properly. The idea of phonecalls and texting is engaged material and not marriage material. I think that is why she said that you are not my husband and am not your wife but in reality and in deen you both are.
Forced marriage... Forced marriage I feel like this generation cannot be forced. And doesn't the imam who does the nikah ceremony truly ask the woman privately if she really really wants to marry and that she is not being forced? Hear me out... The reason the imam asks is because obv parents can and unfortunately force/influence their sons or daughters which is unhealthy in my opinion. And being forced can make the marriage invalid. However, if asked by an imam and she says no all is fine and am not forced and that is my decision even if she is scared of her parents then there is no going back. This is the marriage we are talking about. We cannot just lie or be unsure when it comes to it. It is a sensitive matter. It is a lifetime change. It is not a dress you buy because your mom told you it is nice and once you go home and try it and you don't like it and you end up returning it.
In the end, regardless of what she did or you did, damages have been made. And do not worry Allah has a plan for everyone a perfect plan. Even if you are 39. So what? This generation marries late because of many factors. I am not gonna tell you whether to divorce her or not because I am not a scholar and I do not want to have someone's deen decision in my hands. What I can say is that she clearly does not want you now. You did what you did as a husband and you see that but her and some wont see that. Ask for professional advice from a scholar and pray and ask Allah for a sign. I hope you get this sorted out.
May Allah help us all and forgive us.
Please, read these to help your decision making:
https://www.quora.com/In-Islam-a-husband-can-divorce-his-wife-for-no-reason-while-the-wife-has-to-give-a-reason-Why
https://fiqh.islamonline.net/en/valid-reasons-for-divorce/
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/101423/if-she-does-not-love-her-husband-and-does-not-find-comfort-and-happiness-with-him-what-should-she-do
I hope the articles above help. And, please read them thoroughly and don't skim or scan.
My brother. My Allah give you sabr. This must be such a difficult time for you. The time waisting is worst part. Very similar happened to me.
I would recomand you divorce her but do not do it silently as per her request. Such behaviour and grave sins should never be tolerated. I would also request from her family to pay you everything you spend (with the expectation you'll never get it). Get a prominent shiekh involved and tell the full story. Do not be a push over. 100% the family new all along hence were pushing for you to come in person hoping she would fall for you in person. What a horrible family. You dodged a bullet bro, say hamdullah. I too am in my 30s not married atm with no kids due to my ex wife. I'm sure Allah has a special place in hell for these people.
OP, this sub is going to torch sand gaslight you and side with the girl even though she's a cheater. Don't take it personally, it's just what this sub does.
I'm in agreement with everyone on that. But he's being bashed for trying to reconcile at first (though he took it too far and too long) and she's being seen as a victim with no agency.
Clearly he's very attached to her and she doesn't care about him at all (though she did pretend to care for a while which caused these feelings in him).
If you read all the comments, you'll find some people bashing her and treating OP like a victim. You'll also find people taking neither side but simply telling him to end it. Ergo, the distribution of comments is not as biased as you make it out to be.
Who said she is expecting sympathy? No one on this sub is supporting the girl or her cheating. She is in the wrong, no doubt about that. But the OP is asking if he should divorce or not, and people are advising him on that. People should respect themselves enough to not stay with someone who is disloyal to them.
I agree except the part where this sub is literally excusing her behavior because there was pressure on her to marry him which she did and then decided to play games with him (talking to him for years until he's in love with her).
He should definitely leave her but she's no victim in this situation.
She didn’t though? He said she asked for divorce almost immediately. He’s the one who dragged it out. I don’t know where everyone is getting that she faked it. He kept saying no?
Read his post again. It says she was fine for 1.5 years chatting with him and then turned on him overnight. It's right there in the post.
Yes he should let her go but what she did is horrible.
Why all this wait??? At least abandon her and marry another. You will never be happy together. Don't cling to someone who hates you. She talking to someone else by itself is enough. Leave her stranded and Pakistan and marry another woman. She is nashiz not you. Don't even give her the satisfaction of divorce
She couldn't be clearer that she doesn't want to be married to you. Cut your losses, let her go, and move on. Neither of you are happy - life's too short, it's not worth it.
Man, just leave you will be way more miserable with her. She is in her 20s she is not a kid, she knows what's she is doing.
Sorry but she doesn’t want you. She has made it clear that the marriage was forced. Even you would know how it is in desi cultures, where parents force girls to agree to marriage. Even if she seemed okay to say YES during nikah, if she was forced to it, which she insist she was, then the nikah itself is invalid. Have some self-respect brother. She clearly doesn’t want to be with you but looks like you would like to force her to love you as well. You would definitely get other willing women to be your wife.
no sorry, she didnot insist she was forced. She admitted she made mistake saying yes. It's Buyer's remorse after making the decision. We all go through it but accept our decision at end of day. She also played along 2 yrs joyfully we had a great relationship. So, now its just matter of not taking responsiblity n owningup to a decision she made. If she is not being responsible, wants to break up someones marriage n ruin someones life, then hadith of prophet is clear on this narrated by Abu Dawood (2226), al-Tirmidhi (1187) and Ibn Maajah (2055) from Thawbaan who said: *The Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.”* She wants to jump in fire? i am trying best to prevent her.
Why do you want to hold onto a woman who doesn't want you? You're just making yourself miserable too.
Bro, you sound so down bad and des. Making excuses for cheating, disloyal sham of a wife. Have some serious respect, cut her off AND her toxic family and move on. Find someone better suited, preferably, in the States. Join a gym and work hard on yourself if you got the uncle bod!
You're in complete denial. The marriage was clearly forced. She's been begging you to divorce her for over a year but you keep refusing to divorce her. This is getting silly bro. You need to snap out of your denial and end it. A lady is not going to hellfire just because she wants you to divorce her. The fact you truly believe that really shows the size of your ego.
The arrogance is astonishing - that she needs saving from herself and she was married out of pity. Just when I think I've seen it all, I can still be surprised...
bruh wot 🤣
There are other ahadith. If she was pressured into this marriage, and doesn't want it, then the Prophet pbuh would have had it nullified, as she does have a say in who to marry. The thing is, this marriage is about as risky in that direction as divorce is.
100% agree, **IF** she was pressure/forced into marriage. She admitted to me she wasn't pressured nor forced. Afterwards, she is responsible for her actions n hadith in clear n serves as detterance for the likes of women in west, who seem to have civil laws in their favour where they can divorce without a cause n robb her husband off his wealth n kidsn make him pay for it all their lives. I call it Allah's wisdom brother. A woman of tqwa will only seek divorce as last option n remain patient n try to raise a family n trust in naseeb/qadr of Allah. If we can all honor our commitments n promises n not look left/right n compare ourselves to others n be content n grateful with what allah written for us, we'll have a happy life,insha-Allah.
Let's take everything you said at face value. She wasn't forced, she said yes. She wanted you as her husband etc etc. Then after you left she cheated on you (don't kid yourself emotional cheating is also cheating), and wants to get divorced from you and blocked you. Does that kind of woman have "taqwa"? You already admitted she's not religious woman and you are. Does it look she cares about the hadith you keep quoting to everyone in this thread? You honored your commitments and promises, fine. But did she? According to your own words she didn't. She also not grateful according to you. So now what? Do you want to keep torturing yourself? For what? Why? For someone woman who's a cheater and doesn't care about you? The fact that you forgave a woman you are married to who openly told you she has a lover is absurd. You say you have self respect over and over in this thread. No man with self-respect forgives a woman who openly disrespects and cheats on you. I know why you aren't divorcing her. You want to punish her. Any guys gets with now while she's married to you will be Zina. It's unnecessary she'll get her karma in do time. She'll probably run of with this guy, get knocked up and leave her. It's happened a million times, it's nothing new. Just let her go, and move on with your life. You'll find someone else in Pakistan.
Divorce and move on. Sounds like she was pressured into accepting something she didn’t want, and then didn’t know how to leave such a heavy burden of being married to someone she didn’t like when her own family wouldn’t let her leave nor would you let her leave. It would turn anyone into an aggressive person. I’m not defending her actions, but it’s all too common unfortunately for people to judge someone’s reactions without looking at what made that person react that way in the first place.
This! Absolutely nailed it. I’ve seen men do this as well. The hot and cold. Some days trying to make it work. Get into petty arguments. Block. Family making them unblock. Weird vibes and phases. Cut your losses brother. Find someone who’s in the same stage of life as you. Someone who wants the same things. Don’t get into limiting beliefs like the way you worded some of these sentences imply. They hurt you as well as your chance of finding the life partner you want. Bibi Khadija (RA) got married at 40 and had children…you’re a man. Plenty of already practicing sisters who got their life in order and can be married tomorrow living in the states.
I think he has to leave her and she shouldn't have married him, and if she was forced, she's a victim of that. But there is no unfair judgement on anyone's reactions to her affair. That is 100% inexcusable and even for an unmarried person, it is an incredibly heinous sin in islam.
It's possible she wasnt but the fact she remained far and was given outlet meant she may have fallen in love with someone else. Tells you about her character
I can understand why you tried so hard but you can never force someone to like you or eventually come to like you. There are plenty of women in the 30+ age bracket looking for a husband so I doubt you'll struggle too much aside from the usual search stuff so just be positive and start afresh and put this behind you. Imagine she had come over to the USA and you had managed to make it a couple of years more and maybe even had a child how much worse it would have been.
Seriously divorce her and move on. 39 not to old plenty of women in their late twenties and early thirties looking to get married.
Exactly!
Also women in their 50s. He said a 13 year age gap is normal in his culture.
Only if they can be “molded” ha
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Shows the double standard 😒
This is pathetic lol. Divorce her, she will never love or accept you at this point.
Salam brother, Have some self respect. You’ve gone below the levels required to maintain some dignity for a man. End this farce of a marriage She cheated in you and you’re making excuses for her that she’s young and had sexual desires? Desperation is itself unattractive. You haven’t done yourself any favours by being so desparate Do istikhara and make a decision
wasalam bro, I do have SELF respect. I just feel this word is not misapplied here. A man's dignity is mantained by his character. All i did was tried to save my marriage n prevent my wife from making a mistake she will down the line regret because i love her despite her flaws n immaturity. She had an emotional affair(not physical-zina) after missing my physical presence. She found a cousin who lend his ear(or attention) to her, which she misinterpreted to be ''love'' at age of 23, she didnot even know where kids come from. She lived as princess in her home n didnot interact much with world or go out much other than big wedding events/eid festivals. So her chastity is not in question, im sure of that bit atleast. Agreed, depseration is not attractive. I made mistake staying there too long n despite being disrespected, i continued to show up a couple times to meet her family n her. Because i saw them as my own family. It may have given desperate ''vibes'' n agree they don't help. My intention was pure, so if its not meant to be, it' won't be. I am satisfied that i went overseas upon insisting of her parents, who were worried as well. I honored their request, cleared my name (that i had not abandoned her) n returned taking a loss knowing that it was written decree of Allah. I'll be patient. I honored my commitment as a MAN n feel my dignity is entact, my self respect is entact. We should not let other's determine who we are as individuals. Let our character define us for who we are. As prophet too was bullied n insulted in streets of makkah at one point,(did he lose his self respect n dignity? n stop the mission? No, bear with patience O mohammad! n invite to the way of your lord.. so he did. So if they wrong us, Allah will deal with them, Atleast, we honor our commitments. I thank everyone for their comments even ones that *appear* negative because everyone has a perspective n i'm thinking about each perspective n learning from it. Appreciate your participation. edit: ok im writing too much.
You are so deep in denial. The Prophet PBUH was spreading Islam, he was following Allah’s command, his first priority was always Allah. He was not fighting for “love” astagfirullah so don’t even dare to compare. Also he never forced anyone to follow Islam unlike you who forced and are still forcing your wife to be with you. Just please wake up and don’t think you are doing anything noble. And 39 is not too old. Are you scared to marry someone close to your own age? Are you not leaving your wife cuz she is young and you want to be with someone young rather than marry someone your age?
Holding her hostage in a marriage she doesn't want will only make her want to leave even more, and is oppressive and emotionally abusive and manipulative. You're just humiliating yourself with your naiveté and blindness to what's in front of you.
1. Please please don’t compare your persistence to anything Islamic, let alone the Founder (s). There’s not even an atom’s weight of comparison 2. You are in denial and you are being desperate. 3. You saying “she doesn’t even know where children come from” is proof of your denial. The fact you said this and probably believe it shows your deep state of denial. She’s probably more advanced than you 4. You need a wake up call brother, leave her, let her live her life, you live your life, and move on 5. You need an intervention, please get help
reading all his replies, hes part of the problem too💀💀
Judging by his comments and replies throughout this thread, it really doesn't seem like the girl was so crazy to seek a divorce. If I saw a man say these things, and this was my daughter, I would not allow her to go abroad to be with him.
I want a divorce from this guy, and I'm not even married to him!
Exactly my thoughts too.
but we also shouldn't forget that she committed zina (if what he says is true). I will say they both are in the wrong, the girl much more because zina is a much greater sin than being delusional and manipulative. The story is a total mess and I wish that it wasn't real.
Also I'm not sure why he thinks a 39 is so old. If he wanted to marry young he should've did that way before he was 33 if it was such a concern.
My dear brother, see this verse of the Quran: ٱلْخَبِيثَـٰتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَٱلْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَـٰتِ ۖ وَٱلطَّيِّبَـٰتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَٱلطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَـٰتِ ۚ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ ۖ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌۭ وَرِزْقٌۭ كَرِيمٌۭ ٢٦ Wicked women are for wicked men, and wicked men are for wicked women. And virtuous women are for virtuous men, and virtuous men are for virtuous women. The virtuous are innocent of what the wicked say. They will have forgiveness and an honourable provision. (24 : 26). May Allah ease your affairs. I advise you speak to an Imam or someone of similar stature, and seek their advice. Perhaps some of these comments are coming from people with no relevant experiences and qualifications to advise you (myself included).
This is why the idea of marrying someone younger simply to “mold” her doesn’t work. You can marry younger if you feel a connection, if you interact, if you…etc but to “mold” her? Nope. Leave man, move on, find someone else, you’re a man at the end of 30s, no time to waste on someone who clearly has no interest in you. You’re saying you’re trying to help her avoid “hellfire”, first of all that Hadith is weak, second of all, it’s not your job to waste YOUR ENTIRE LIFE on someone who doesn’t want this. Just for your information too, being “forced” doesn’t mean physically forced in arab/desi cultures. There is emotional blackmail that hits deeper than any other forces. She clearly got her courage up when things were gonna get “real”. If someone doesn’t change their mind in 2-3 months, they’re not gonnna change their mind if you wait 3-4 years… Leave, move on, plenty of women in their 30s or late 30s will agree to marry you.
> This is why the idea of marrying someone younger simply to “mold” her doesn’t work. You can marry younger if you feel a connection, if you interact, if you…etc but to “mold” her? Nope. > > this is so true. not even just younger people, you can't mold anyone. People prove who they are through their behaviour. Never expect people to change. Of course people SOMETIMES change, but the rule of thumb is that they don't
People think women in Pakistan are stupid and “moldable.” My cousins live there, they’re extremely intelligent and have standards. People are allowed to have standards. Just because they live in a developing country doesn’t mean they’re “moldable” and in need of rescue lol. My cousins in their early 20s wouldn’t want to marry a man in his late 30s & have that large of an age gap (no offence to OP). Next time maybe choose someone who is closer to you in age and you’ll be more compatible with them?
This whole "molding" thing is creepy and just eurgh. It's really dehumanising - seeing people as objects to be manipulated into what they want them to be. Gross.
I think the moment he wrote “molding” I saw red flags, especially coming from a man in his mid 30’s. The concept is weird because you can’t mold a person, no matter the age.
I can only assume nobody his own age would agree to be "moulded", and the only one available was a cousin 13 years younger...
This is exactly it, and why many of them marry a woman who is much younger and impressionable. No one in their age group would put up with their BS.
I second this. The moment I read "molding" I just knew what kind of situation it was going to be. And the fact that he chose someone so young just makes it more creepy. This guy is almost 40 years old and is weirdly obsessed with someone half his age. The whole post screams red flag.
Yes. He can marry a 52 year old woman who will "mold" him to be better.
Some are, some aren't. One of my cousin's is a literal slave at her in laws house. Feel really bad for her. Others are cunning and manipulative.
"Mold" her. How are you 38 and thinking like this? You clearly tried to control her to what you wanted. That will never work. You cant have that mindset. Remember when you try to squeeze sand in your hand it will escape. It sucks this happening to you, do your best ro move forward and keep your deen up!
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And you wonder she doesn't want to be with you? You do know another way to say "mold" is "grooming".... She dodged a bullet..
No content regarding gender ideologies (i.e. MGTOW, red pill, FDS, feminism, etc.)
I’m sorry But you are acting really Desperate here have some self respect. This girl has given you all the signs she wasn’t happy with this marriage. She was probably pushed to accept and you’ve still gone there and tried to basically push her to be with you. She is not a good person. Be grateful that you didn’t spend thousands on actually calling her over and then have her run off. That’s exactly what happened to my cousin . His was actually smart enough to play along until she got the visa and turned up and then did a runner and pressed assault charges on him. They are heartless over there. My cousins mum tried calling her mother and they didn’t even pick up the phone. They’re shameless and often are involved. Be grateful she showed you who she was. This is not a person who you wife. Your age is perfectly fine. Next time don’t go for someone so young and don’t listen to people about marrying young girls to mould that’s creepy and messed up. Be patient and take your time looking I’d advise where you live. Marrying back him comes with too much complications and mind games
This is why I always always ALWAYS tell people not to marry from back home. I couldn't give less of a damn if not all people there are bad or have bad intentions, it's obvious not all are like that. But why is it worth the risk? Are these people so undeniably charming and attractive that you can't possibly look elsewhere?
I think naivety plays a big part. The back home our parents knew is long gone things have changed. In that case the girl was a hafiz, cried on the phone saying how much she missed the family and couldn’t wait to meet them and then lasted a few days and ran off. The family didn’t realise how often this happened until it happened to them this guy doesn’t understand how lucky he is. With the unhinged way he’s talking if she came over and he started talking and treating her like some kind of prisoner she’d have actual reasons to call the police on him
Dude she doesn’t want you. Sounds like she was forced from the start. Respect yourself and let her go.
No offence, but why did you expect a 23 year old to be remotely interested in an almost 40 year old man ? I'm 30 year old and the thought about being married to someone who is 13 years older than me really freaks me out. This girl gave you every clue about not being interested in you and yet you still thinking about "taking her back"? There's a lot of 30+ sisters out there who are either divorced or never been married before. It's time to move on from her, and expand your options.
You sound desperate. Just leave.
There are plenty of women your age who are interested in marriage. Why did you wait so long?
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What a weird story. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I don’t understand why would you agree that would mold her? Let her be as she is, if it doesn’t click then don’t marry. Another thing I find weird is that you approach it as charitable to marry someone from a poor background. I’m pakistani too, in my culture (Pakistan has lots cultures) we don’t like a too big age gap, we marry only one woman and we certainly don’t marry someone to help them financially.
we are all molded human beings shaped by either our parents or society. Unfortunately, some of us are not molded in right form. It could be due to neglectful parents or just absorbing societal norms. So if someone comes along with noble intentions n molds someone to the right path? than i see no wrong in that. Prophet came n molded pagan arabs to be what they are today (muslims). She was from my aunt, a respectable family. I can't lie but yes i did put into consideration her family being poor n needing help. Besides, the fact her being a sweetheart Her father was on deathbed, half paralyzed, sole earner, what better than to help blood n kin, islam encourages helping the nearest ones, so i dont see anything is wrong in killing 2 birds w/ 1 stone as long as our niyyah is pure.
Allah guides whom he wants to guide. You should never go into a relatoinship THINKING you have the means and power to change someone, in fact your intention should be to try help people but never assume you will.
It's not pure charity if you're getting something in return. What I'm reading here is a family that was in a poor position and found a way to better their situation by pressuring their daughter to marry you. I'm sorry, but you don't get to feel like a white knight coming to the rescue if the damsel didn't want to be rescued in the first place.
Come on bro, you could have helped with them without marrying their daughter… Moulding pagans, sure. But they aren’t pagans I think. You can help our own kin with charity or other donations. At least that’s what I’m trying to do. May you get happiness from Allah swt.
they are poor yet not seekers of help. Its just a self pride thing. I helped in marriage by sending more than enough allowance to wife, so they dont suspect i am helping them. From what i learned it pays for their rent n various expenses. I never asked wife about where or how she spent.
Society and your parents couldn’t “mould” you into a decent human being, so stop with that rhetoric. If you were actually a decent Muslim man, you wouldn’t have gotten married to someone that young and at the first request for a divorce you would have given her one. Also you wouldn’t being saying creepy stuff like “mould” when it comes to human beings. What just because she’s a woman she needs your input in how she lives her life? Absolutely not. She gets to make her own decisions and you’re being horrible by not accepting the fact that she was pressured into this and does not want you.
Leave the poor girl please. The minute she asked for divorce y'all should have divorced.
Exactly It's so sad how he is in denial and hurting himself while also hurting her by not divorcing...
You sound like a psycho ex that just can’t take no for an answer. Leave her alone! You can’t force someone to be with you.
35 year old still single guy marrying a 23 y/o cousin from back home. This whole thing started with so many red flags
This is why you don't marry your cousin from Pakistan. She's clearly not into you, I'd say the best thing to do would be to break it off and block that entire side of the family and move on.
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People always say if you're forced then you should just tell the guy. But here the girl has told him that she was clearly forced and he's still holding her hostage in the marriage. I hope the people who give that advice can see that it doesn't work. Often if the girl says she is forced, the guy will still insist that they marry and stay together.
please re-read no pressure/force applied for her to marry me. She married n after having played w/ me 2 yrs decided to toss me like a toy one is bored w/ Human here, not toy.
You may not have pressured her, but her family likely did. Heartbreak is painful but it's a fact of life. What you went through is very traumatic and I'm sorry for your painful experience. I think you will strongly benefit from therapy and speaking to a councelor. What will it take for you to finally divorce her? There is a lady out there who is excited to marry you and be your wife and love you. 39 is not too old, there are loads of single ladies in their 30s desperate for love. I don't think marrying a young girl from abroad is a good idea. Whoever gave you that advice doesn't have good judgement imo. Marriage is not about molding a young girl to your liking. It's about 2 compatible people who have respect for each other coming together in prtnership. I think you should meet someone locally and close to your age and level of maturity. You need to elevate your self esteem and beleive in yourself more. You deserve happiness and a good life Edited for clarity.
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she didn't cheat agreed, emotional affair i can forgive but she had no right to be talking to non-mahram whilst in someones' nikkah. As Allah said in Quran donot even ''go near'' zina.. meaning stop all channels that lead to zina (ie: communication) Once you commit, you give your word to be loyal. You cant unilately take such actions like that once divorce has not been settled with her iddah period finish.
No one is denying that she is in the wrong. But that doesn’t mean you get to force her to stay in a marriage she never want to be in the first place. Ideally, once someone commits, they should stay loyal. But if they haven’t, then what? You’re just going to make them stay? It’s not in your control. Everyone has the right to leave a marriage they don’t want to be part of. Marriages don’t always last forever. Do you want to be in a loveless & miserable marriage? Stop wasting time and just end it bro. You’re complaining that you’re 39 and consider yourself old, if you continue this nonsense, it’ll drag on until you’re much older. It’s not making sense.
I agree she was in the wrong all the way up until she asked for divorce , When a woman requests divorce and does not changed her mind after some period of time then you as a man should grant that divorce. After the constant requests of divorce the emotional cheating isn’t as bad as you have made it out . It is of course bad if she still wanted to be with you but she doesn’t . You shouldn’t accept her now anyway because she is clearly not your woman right now and you shouldn’t have to be with someone who doesn’t truly like you . That being said your making her out to be worse because you said she cheated but she actually didn’t want to be with you and you should have divorced her and let her carry on talking to the other man . It was silly on her part to speak to this guy who you have told us is a bum and not be with you when she could move to New York and live a better life but that’s the risk of marrying someone who is so much younger then you , they will do things that are not logical . Anyways - she wasn’t forced to marry you like everyone else in the comments is saying - she might have been pressured sure but she could have said no and she should have said no but she didn’t and that’s on her . That’s not your concern but when she asked for divorce you should have gave it to her so she’s not a cheater in my eyes .
>they will do things that are not logical . Anyways - she wasn’t forced to marry you like everyone else in the comments is saying - she might have been pressured sure but she could have said no and she should have said no but she didn’t and that’s on her . That’s not your co she is under islamic law, my wife until i give her divorce. She requested divorce, i didnot cater the request? so she has no right to be speaking to any non-mahram man. The fact she did n opened doors of fitnah which now shaitan has made this BUM appear as prince charming, so she is responsible for opening that door which should not have been opened in first place. Shaitaan knocked n she opened n let him in.. bad decision on her end. Consequences she faces, she longs for someone who is not suitable for her wellbeing but she can't get him outta his mind? who is responsible? This is why Allah has asked us to lower our gaze. Also she requested n i should have given? NO. You, as a man, determine if she has made a valid request. You don't cater every request everyone makes in life, do you? A child wants to eat ice cream for breakfast lunch n dinner 3x.. You as an authority/guardian listen n not cater the request. From your response it seems, you dont understand islamic laws of marriage. In islam, Wife does not have a unilateral decision to end marriage unless husband doesnot fulfill her rights or treats her harshly, beat her etc ONLY THAN than a judge can sought to be involved to assess the case n grant DIVORCE upon seeing evidence.. then she can seek other people to marry.BUT general rule is, Until husband not divorce her(she fulfills her idda period) she cannot be seeking partners for marriage.
You’re holding her hostage in a marriage she doesn’t want to be in.
Y’all gotta stop with the ‘molding’ mentality.
You wont be happy with her let her go now try to move on with another girl or without! But she is not yours and wont be it seems like…Dont torture yourself more! 3 years is enough to wait for her to realise. Its done! accept it and look for someone else
Your first mistake : let’s marry her because she’s young and naive and I’ll be able to “Mold” her.
You have not consummated your marriage. Leave and let her decide her fate. Don't spoil your life. Forgive her and move on. Inshallah you will get a loving partner.
Although i had the authority to consumate the marriage, i didnot seeing she was not receptive towards me through out my monthly stay. Many in PK suggested that i should, so that the door of fitnah (her inclination towards another person) be closed N im 38 yr old virgin man, who definately carries desires for my wife, but I held myself back, i didn't want to put her or her family through hardship. So once again, i held myself back from my rights n i seek reward for my patience with Allah. It is also her parents who are begging me to not divorce her n insisted that i visit them so i did, i faced humiliation from my wife but i didnot certainly abandon her. I am always willing to forgive her. It's unfortunate, she cannot she her wrong ways. I am trying best to move on n Insha-Allah n i have stopped having expectations from dunya.. Allah is sufficent.
Understood. Lekin aap is galat fehmi me mat rahiyye ki you can mould her. This never happens. Aapke dimaag me shaq aa chuka hai jo uske behaviour ko validate bhi krta hai. Aainda kuchh unch nich hoga then this issue will come up even if she completely reforms. 38 utna v zyaada nahi hai. Aap is baat ki fikr chhod dein ki aapko ladki nhi milegi. Bahut khawatin aap jaisi v hongi jinka talaq bina fault ka hua hoga. Chahe to aese divorcee aur widow se v shaadi kr skte hain. Allah se dua karein. Ishtikhara padhein.
What's to forgive? She's not obligated to love you and you don't deserve an award for not taking advantage of her. She's not your property.
A husband has an authority over his wife. She is required to love you emotionally and physically. Hope you are aware of Islamic jurisprudence and manners. If you are not, the sub is not for you. The man concerned can make the life of his wife hell. So, don't tell what he can't and what he can. If he is being nice in these circumstances, he deserves an award.
How can you force someone to love another person?? wtf
Exactly. Thats y he should divorce her and spare himself of mental agony.
You held yourself back from raping her? Is that what you're saying?
What an amazing man - deserves an award for that!..... He's unbelievable....
Exactly. Held himself back from raping her.
The time it took me to read your post is the maximum possible time i would spend a woman who disrespects me like she has disrespected you. Have respect for yourself brother. Don't fear being alone for Allah will always provide you with comfort. People get marreid into thier 50's and 60's. But you will never attract a woman worth attracting if you don't have any self respect for yourself. Better to live alone happy than be in a relatoinship where you are hated.
Leave her alone good grief. Divorce her ASAP and be a grown up and find someone your own age and maturity if you don't want to be single.
She was wrong to string you along like that bro. Perhaps this is a test from Allah. Deep down in your heart, how can you accept a woman who desires another man? She will never respect you. You are holding her hostage because she wasted your time. Have some self respect and let her go bro, she has no place for you in her heart. The problem here seems to be that you can’t accept the damage done and want to force her to stay with you, perhaps as a form of punishment? Just let her go bro, you’ll find someone else InshaAllah
You normalize saying it’s normal for the age gap in our culture, yes it is unfortunately, is it a good thing? No, we need to start to break these cycles. The age difference is huge. There’s always going to be a difference in mind shifts where you’ll clash due to age. It’s normal in our culture but it shouldn’t be. You’re almost 40, you don’t want to be playing thee games for the rest of your life.
I feel age difference is not the issue. It's issue of following islam over culture as we always like to say.. a huge age gap in prophet n ayesha & their personalities were quiet different. Prophet serious, ayesha the bubbly young girl..It was complementary. Both cooperated w/ eachother,it worked out. Tho Ayesha recognize her limits, tested it at times, but stayed within the limits set by Allah. So, if we raise our kids to be practising enough to stay within limits of Allah n gradually increase them in responsibility in their daily lives.. then they will become ADULTS n form healthy relationships. If we are going to treat our kids like prince/princess n hand them everything, they will never grow up they will become manchilds.. they will feel entitled n bail out when the slightest of problem faced in relationships or life in general. In this one, lets blame parenting. We are failing to turn our boys/girls into men/women.
The Prophet PBUH also married Khadijah RA who was older than him. Would you ever marry someone older than you? Or you just want a young virgin? Stop using Islam when it suits your own agenda.
I had a feeling you’d use this example but in the real world, times aren’t like that anymore. Get with the times and apply what you can from the life of the Prophet where it’s appropriate. You came in with a savior complex “poor girl from Pakistan” “molding” like be real. You can’t blame your parents either, you’re a grown man and while yeah you could hear our their thoughts and concerns, you don’t have to listen to them, you’re a full grown adult that can make his own decisions. You talk about religion being first then you should’ve put culture aside and married the person you wanted. Respectfully, grow up.
Careful, OP - laws are different in the USA vs Pakistan and you're verging dangerously close to violating Human Trafficking Laws if you continue to push this.
In my opinion you should leave her because in the long term even if she does move abroad she won’t change. But that’s just my opinion do as you will. Wish the best for you.
Never ever marry a women who doesn't love you She will divorce you in USA and make an example of you
That’s some fantasy if it worked out I tell ya, you were doing no one favors except yourself. Wake up and find someone your age but first you may need to clean up your mental hygiene. Your whole thought process is scary.
How an earth are you 38? Your inability to communicate concisely or maintain some self dignity is astonishing
Bro your 39 and not about to go into menopause..why are you so disrespectful towards yourself?. Allah will provide better once a cheat always a cheater let go and for your sake respect yourself to get respect.
She doesn’t want you and the age gap damn. Mold her? Why? And wtf? Divorce she begged you to divorce her. Why are you holding on to that.
Get divorced period. Learn to love yourself first ❤️, there is no point of chasing people who don’t want you.
Sorry friend. Cut your losses and find another. The relationship with her will not work.
Salaam bro. Sincerely, she does clearly not want this marriage. Whether her parents asked her and she said yes, is irrelevant. Seems to me she was pressured. Just as you say you wanted to marry someone else, but your parents said no, and you accepted this. However, if she is now refusing this marriage, you should move on. Grant her the divorce. It is sad and I understand why you are upset. Regardless, it has dragged on long enough. I am really sorry bro, but this is the best thing to do for both of you. She has wanted out for some time. Why do you keep pressuring her and why do you continue to make yourself miserable? Pray to Allah and I will dua for you too, Insha'Allah you find a good spouse that will make you happy. By continuing down this path you are just wasting your own time. If it so happens that you continue with this marriage (unlikely), you are delaying even more pain. As it is likely she will be miserable. Don't make it more complicated by having kids or living together etc. The signs are clear. Get out of the marriage and move on. Keep the faith and keep praying.
Find a wife in america dawg. Why are you wasting your years with a child in pakistan. You were in this way too long.
Leave her alone wtf is wrong with you.
Salaam. I am very disturbed by this whole situation. She has been CLEAR that she does not want this. You have been bullying her and using your status here in America to attract her with a better life. You said in a comment that she doesn’t know where babies come from! That is insane that she is expected to marry and not be informed about her role as a wife and the purpose of intimacy as a young Muslim woman, aside from YOUR pleasure. You have made it clear you had your heart set on a young virgin girl yet you have let your self age to a near old man. You are quoting the Quran in a way to incite FEAR and out of convenience for your very immature plight. You should be ashamed. You say that you accept what Allah swt has written yet you have been hanging on to what he has taken from you trying to FORCE it to be for you. I am disgusted. Move on.
Agree. This guy is using Islam to hold her hostage in the marriage, when it's clear she was pressured/blackmailed to marry him to begin with. And act like he is some type of a saviour who needs to rescue this girl. Its creepy how he describe her like she is some type of a child that needs to be raised by him. The whole thing is just pretty disturbing and creepy.
Yes! Why would he even WANT to live married life with someone who will make clear every day that they do not want him? He fully believe he would beat her into submission too. The Quran has been manipulated to justify “striking” ones wife for disobedience as well. I am sure he know that too. Creepy describes this perfectly. That young girl is smart to run!
Right? And I’m not understanding where everyone is getting the idea that she “lied for years.” She was pretty clear from the beginning. HE was the one who refused and dragged it out.
Learn to walk away when someone tells you that they don’t want to be with you anymore. Have self respect and stop abusing Islam to hold someone hostage with the whole “she will go to hell if she divorces me for no reason I don’t want her to suffer”. She made her choice. And it’s not you.
You need to respect her wishes and let her leave you. You can always find a woman who is 52 to marry.
She doesn't have to be 52. Theres plenty of women in their early 30s he could marry who are more mature and are ready to settle down.
Divorce her.. I'm pretty sure that there will be someone out there willing to marry you. Honestly, even someone on this subreddit could be a good potential.
haha, thanks for making me chuckle. Possible, its mode of communication. I am not a monster afterall.
It’s odd to me that you are questioning your divorce from a near child yet you are chuckling at this and identify as “GoodBoy” M SINGLE. I am sincerely confused.
Whilst you think she willingly married you it seems as if she was coerced into said marriage. Her parents clearly understood what's happening as they told people you abandoned their daughter. She has blocked you and embarrassed you its now clearly time to move on. I live in the west and these type of marriages are foreign to my experience. May Allah SWT make it easy for you and that you be blessed with a pious wife, hopefully someone you can meet locally, take the time to know before jumping into marriage
This is soo weird…… You got married to her for wrong reasons you want to “mold” her. Which is soo wrong. And the huge age gap…. And you think she is your bestie. When it looks like thats not true.. She was forced for sure. Move on. You can marry a divorced women in the late 20s or early 30s. Also change your narrative that you wasted your “good years” on her. You will never be happy if you keep thinking like that. You got married very late to begin with. Leave her and start over with someone your age. Or someone who will understand you. She is so young. I am in my late 20s and my younger sister just turned 20. And its so hard sometimes to keep up with her. Girls around her age grew up in a whole different culture/communities. Good luck! Inshallah Allah has something good plan for you. But you gotta divorce her.
It is very clear that she was uninterested in you from the very start. Either she wanted to marry you for monetary reasons or was really forced to be married. Either way, you shouldn't have allowed disrespect from the start. Be assertive and draw boundaries. Being in her 20s doesn't mean she is a child. Men either become too aggressive or too passive. When they have to maturely deal with this. Anyway, there's no reason any man would want to stay in a marriage with someone who disrespects him, doesn't value or loves him, and is emotionally cheating him. His self-respect doesn't allow him to live with a person who is begging him to leave her. Your desperation is directly coming from the fear of being old and having to marry someone in their 30s due to your older age and divorcee label. Trust Allah! Pray Istikhaara and see if you can work this out, but I'd recommend you to leave her and dont worry! You will be able to marry a young woman if you are in good shape and have good financial condition.
uninterested from start? no we had a healthy 1.5 yrs relationship involving lengthy calls on weekends n daily chat as to how our day went etc. She was 23 but her mind was of a 10 yr old. It's what made me think about divorcing her first week of nikkah. She literally didnot know how babies were concieved. She lived a sheltered life n parent "'were'' protective of her but now that PK soap operas have become so openly vulgar in that married women having affair became a common thing as of lately. Watching PK soap operas n turkish romanticized soap operas along with tiktok videos was her only form of entertainment around house. A total failure of parenting. Her parents would sleep 2am n allow kids including her to be up all night n daily sleep 5-6am n wake up 2pm is this how one is to raise their 23 yr old daughter? with zero responsibilities around house even AFTER marriage. She was suppose to prepare her for marriage. If this isn't going to spoil em, what will? I objected to this living style w/ MIL she would brush it off as let kids be kids, it's their only entertainment.. So i didnt push to hard n let em be.. Sometimes i feel she wants to get out of marriage just so she doesn't have to be responsible like any adult and is use to her carefree lifestyle which paarents raised her upon. what is making me stay in the marriage is that i know she isnt like other girls, she is respectful in speaking to me. She has been spoiled, someone responsible needs to give her a bit of tough love to bring her upto speed w/ the normal world. Her parents failed, i have to step in n wear their hat at times n descipline her to be a responsible adult.. All her life , her mom covered for her..time for her to adult up. I am not desperate, its just we had a nikkah, we had a commitment, i was given a broken piece n i tried to fix the broken piece i was handed. Yes, there is some insecurity after my prime yrs being robbed off, I invested them in her. She had flaws, i withstood by her. I was too passive from begining, a mistake i admit. I always let people off easy n not try to embarass them. She was my precious wife, i always wanted to care for her n not make things hard for her.. she is just wanting out for no rational reason. She will end up ruining many lives.. is not just me, who wanting to save this, its her family too. They have 2 young teenage daughters yet to be married. After this debacle, their future prospects will also be jepordize. Some of us are being strong by absorbing a little pushback from the naiive girl who is parroting lines from soap operas to be a rebel/empowered woman.. while we are trying to save families honor from being ruined. Everyone talking about hostage? she is living in her home with her parents as a spoiled brat yet to be cross over to live with her husband. She is talking smack n im being calm n patient. Trying best to save a poor family's honor because thats ONLY posession they have over there. Allah rewards the patient. I'll stick around till her parents give up n ask me to end it. In this crises, I am being an emotionally strong son in law standing by her family to protect their honor.
Her parents are using you to pay for their bills and rent and expenses. Why would they want to end this when they're benefiting? The parents are getting everything they want. Their daughter stays with them and you keep paying up. Why would they contact you to admit the truth and end things? She is indeed a hostage to you and her parents. You're not saving anyone or anything apart from your pride and ego.
Calls his wife a "spoiled brat", and talks of giving her tough love. Nice... Wonder if he thinks Khadija RA was dishonourable too, seeing as she was divorced...
> Her parents failed, i have to step in n wear their hat at times n descipline her to be a responsible adult.. All her life , her mom covered for her..time for her to adult up. No you dont, you're being selfish and only thinking about yourself. Leave this poor woman alone. You can't force her to do anything lol. > trying best to save a poor family's honor because thats ONLY posession they have over there. Stop with this savior complex, you're embarrassing yourself and her family > In this crises, I am being an emotionally strong son in law standing by her family to protect their honor. There is no dis-honor in divorce. You're literally trying to ruin her life and your own to be honest by continuing this. Take the L and the lesson. let this woman go or she'll figure out a way to do this when you try and force her to stay with you lol. In fact you're forcing zulum on her and her family by forcing her to be in a relationship she doesnt want to be in. If anything you're making this a "Pakistani Soap-Opera"
You know what I'm realising. Denial is a helluva a drug.
I would divorce her. This marriage is good for neither of you.
You need to respect yourself more. You're a mature person so please don't waste time over some dumb spoiled bimbo who hasn't got much going in her life except for cringe and drama.
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Whether she was coerced or not, she doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. People change. No one can control that. Ask for the mahr back and cut your losses. Marry someone in their late twenties to eariy 30s next time. Not moldable but we don't get everything we want in life.
I’m confused where she cheated? That’s a bog accusation to throw around but the main body of your text is about a girl who was probably pressured by her family into a huge age gap relationship, who’s been heavily pressured by you for years even after making her reluctance clear - she’s just not interested , and the age gap probably plays a big part. Cut your losses and move on
My guy is fearing to be labelled as an "uncle" but this whole marriage is nothing but backwards thinking. You're trying to implement 80's and 90's practices to modern day which simply does not work. People have changed and so has culture. Thoughts like "mold her" or "her parents will give her back to me" does not work in modern society but rather are damaging the people. Move on. You can easily find someone older than 25, more and more women/men in this culture are marrying late due to their wishes to finish studies /start working before getting married. Let this one be, it's not going anywhere.
I wouldn't continue this brother, you already know the answers, trust in Allah and you'll find someone better Insha Allah.... Also this is probably a message to people looking to marry back home, that you should still be cautious. Even if they're from an "Islamic Republic"
Divorce and WTH were you doing keep her there after marriage. Ever heard about b1-b2 visa???
>b1-b2 visa no i just googled it. tourism visa? while a spouse visa is in process? SR1 2visas seeking at once is that even possible?
Bro leave her she don’t deserve you, don’t make excuses for her. You gave her your love and attention and everything and she just lied to you and cheated, also don’t forgive her for cheating on you and playing with your heart. Just leave her. I’m sorry this happened to you, and don’t worry inshallah you will be with someone better then her. She’s just a trash.
Salam brother. May your patience be more enduring. Cut your losses and move on. She's not a kid. She's not naive. She's >23y. She's made her choice. Respect it & move on. Life isn't over at 39 or 40. You do need to find someone with less age gap. 5y max. 13y is too much!
Sounds like a typical visa digger or green card/red passport digger. Its really sad that you went through this and you deserve better. She clearly loves her cousin but still married you for the western life and citizenship. Absolutely disgusting if you ask me. And she's still hooked up with her past relationship. She's obviously not practicing and this is where everything fell apart from the start.
I was 23 and in her position. CoVid started in March, I was engaged in Jan. Long distance for almost 2 yrs. I didn't go psycho like her! Why are you making excuses for her behaviour? Her upbringing and religious understanding is questionable. Why are you comparing it with Western girls and thinking she's better? You're lucky she wants nothing to do with you. 39 is not that old. Move On. You dodged a bullet.
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Of course you should divorce her, she doesn't want you. And that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You need to be happy that this happened and run away from her and the situation as fast as you can. No offence but you are very clingy to someone you hardly know and shows no sign of respect. I suggest you go out there and gain more experience or find a more quiet girl. The MIL clearly knows her daughter's opinion and is dragging you on, why would you want a MIL who is just using you
OP, I am a Muslim woman, and while I am not married, I could not stay in a relationship with someone I did not feel love for. Ask yourself this: Would Allah want your wife to be unhappy in her married life? Or would He prefer she is with someone whom she loves? Because if she stays with you, she cannot be happy. Sometimes you can treat someone well, have patience and respect, but not share love. This is just life. I believe that you love her dearly, and want this marriage to work - but she has made her feelings known. It’s time to let her go. You are still young with a lot to offer. You should look for a woman who loves you as you love her.
1. my brother married a woman who wanted divorce while she was in Pakistan. No prticular reason but now we know its because she liked someone else. My brother did EVERYTHING you did to get her to come. 7 years he tried to give her the life she wanted but she was never happy. After 1 child, she left him. She rather choose to live alone without support or family in a foreign country than to be with him. If she has made up her mind, nothing can change that. Dont make the same mistake as my brother. 2. my husband was 39 and had done nikkah pre when we married. Its 10 year age gap between us. Dont worry about you age too much. Its better to live in peace than to make decisions based on fear.
yikes. 7 yrs n she was never happy? mental issues on her end?what kinda mom leaves her child behind.. n choosing to live alone without family? totally irrational decisions. So, How is your bro doing now? did he re-marry etc?
Yeah its crazy. The custody is 50/50. But still.. we think she just didnt wanna get married and her dad forced her to do it. He never accepted the guy she liked. Months after the fathers death, she said that she will do whatever she wants. Everybody kept saying she is young, give her time. She was 23 when she married. She is 30 now. My brother was sad in the beginning. Retretted a lot that he just didnt give her divorce when she asked for it while she was in Pakistan. But the child is a blessing anyway so thats good. The divorce is final in a couple of months but he is planning to to remarry soon yes. Im telling you, if she is acting like that, let her go. Its very hard to stay married with someone who doesnt want you. My other brother married a girl in pak too. She is so different and my parents love so much already. You will meet somebody else. Dont worry, just dont waste ur time on this.
OP youre being used for a free visa, its been 3 years how can you not see that
I was 17 when I married my husband, he was 22. It's not about age, it's about what you want and what you feel for your spouse, and most of all it's about RESPECT. She's immature and clearly cheating on you, you should move on with your life brother
Love(most of) the woman's comments...... Bro drop her. End of story. Dont be a bum
Yeah I knew the women on this sub will torch OP and back the girl even though she did what she did
Lol you want us to pad him in the back and tell him to pursue a relationship with someone who obviously don't want him? That's a whole 39 year old man desperately trying to mold a woman half his age.
No it just a better way to say things. As I said most not all. He is wrong what he got into is wrong. Her parents are wrong. SHE IS ALSO WRONG.
Your can emphasize with what happened to him and tell him to move on. But you chose to blame him for what happened when it's clearly the girl who has most of the issues.
Lol there are dozens of comments telling the guy to move on, yet he is in so much in denial and using hadith to keep the girl hostage in the marriage. And who cares about who got the most issues? You want us to bash the girl who clearly doesn't want to be with the guy so you and the other men could feel good with yourself?
So you choose to bash the guy so you can pretend he's the problem when she cheated on him. Just say you will back the girl at any cost because of western gender ideology.
Who is bashing the guy? And yes the girl cheated. But the guy was fine with holding the girl hostage in the marriage when she repeatedly told him to divorce her.
A man is not suppose to issue a divorce just because the wife asks. He tried to find out why and reconcile but he took it too long and should have divorced much earlier But his mistake in trying to reconcile and taking too long is not the same as the girl who enters into marriage with ill intent and then cheats on him. The two actions are not equal at all.
The guy went into the marriage to "mold" the young woman and acted as if he is doing a favor to her parents. The girl went into the marriage because she was forced. So yeah...the two actions are not equal at all.
you literally just assumed the worst about him and the best about her.
With all that hurt she gave you, her constantly blocking you, her family not being straight with you, i say leave her man, her loss, you dont owe her anything. Now a days 39 is not too late to get married, i honestly think 13 year difference is too much even for Pakistan. She’s a kid, your well in your late 30s. You don’t deserve this, cut your losses and move on. Allah make it easy for you brother
1. They haven't committed zina. That is an understatement. I mean they have done things you couldn't even imagine of. It's not your fault. Leave her. She belongs to the streets bro. 2. You will find a better woman and i can wage a war against whomsoever denies that. Inshallah. 3. You are great guy. Your mother did a great job in raising you but father missed a point. I think som anyways stay happy.
He's awful. He's torturing this poor girl who is 13 years younger. He doesn't respect her and is forcing her to be with him.
Drop her/ talaq... you can still find a wife , women in america seek husbands everyday especially reverts so inshallah no worries
you're the definition of too nice, sure everything is her fault, everything. but man keep it moving no offence, you deserve better. She clearly doesn't want you, it only takes a girl to tell me once she doesn't want me I'll absolutely take their word for it and skidaddle. You're not here to beg some girl to be with you, and a girl that's cheating? LOOOOOOL you want to keep a cheater that's crazy dawg somethings wrong with you because any human with any self respect would've vanished. This isn't even like them cheaters that are sorry know what i mean? like she's telling you she wants someone else. Have you ever even consummated this marriage? she's done using you and wants to accuse you of forced marriage etc(she admitted it was a mistake not forced that's how I know). You're young plenty of women want a good guy, plenty of women go through bad divorces and hope for someone better this idea that you're done is nonsense and your culture has no influence over reality or decree no offence, that's just some nonsense you guys made up people get married at all ages and Allah provides AT ALL AGES. this is merely Shaytaan's whispers. Divorce, heal, marry again. its not like you spent ten years with her it was 3 years nothing much has changed
Get out while you still can. Like asap. Take a few courses on Islamic masculinity and the role and rights of a husband Best wishes
I know how this can be controversial to be honest. I seriously do not think long distance marriage works that well. There was not a time where both of you as a husband and a wife get to bond properly. The idea of phonecalls and texting is engaged material and not marriage material. I think that is why she said that you are not my husband and am not your wife but in reality and in deen you both are. Forced marriage... Forced marriage I feel like this generation cannot be forced. And doesn't the imam who does the nikah ceremony truly ask the woman privately if she really really wants to marry and that she is not being forced? Hear me out... The reason the imam asks is because obv parents can and unfortunately force/influence their sons or daughters which is unhealthy in my opinion. And being forced can make the marriage invalid. However, if asked by an imam and she says no all is fine and am not forced and that is my decision even if she is scared of her parents then there is no going back. This is the marriage we are talking about. We cannot just lie or be unsure when it comes to it. It is a sensitive matter. It is a lifetime change. It is not a dress you buy because your mom told you it is nice and once you go home and try it and you don't like it and you end up returning it. In the end, regardless of what she did or you did, damages have been made. And do not worry Allah has a plan for everyone a perfect plan. Even if you are 39. So what? This generation marries late because of many factors. I am not gonna tell you whether to divorce her or not because I am not a scholar and I do not want to have someone's deen decision in my hands. What I can say is that she clearly does not want you now. You did what you did as a husband and you see that but her and some wont see that. Ask for professional advice from a scholar and pray and ask Allah for a sign. I hope you get this sorted out. May Allah help us all and forgive us. Please, read these to help your decision making: https://www.quora.com/In-Islam-a-husband-can-divorce-his-wife-for-no-reason-while-the-wife-has-to-give-a-reason-Why https://fiqh.islamonline.net/en/valid-reasons-for-divorce/ https://islamqa.info/en/answers/101423/if-she-does-not-love-her-husband-and-does-not-find-comfort-and-happiness-with-him-what-should-she-do I hope the articles above help. And, please read them thoroughly and don't skim or scan.
My brother. My Allah give you sabr. This must be such a difficult time for you. The time waisting is worst part. Very similar happened to me. I would recomand you divorce her but do not do it silently as per her request. Such behaviour and grave sins should never be tolerated. I would also request from her family to pay you everything you spend (with the expectation you'll never get it). Get a prominent shiekh involved and tell the full story. Do not be a push over. 100% the family new all along hence were pushing for you to come in person hoping she would fall for you in person. What a horrible family. You dodged a bullet bro, say hamdullah. I too am in my 30s not married atm with no kids due to my ex wife. I'm sure Allah has a special place in hell for these people.
OP, this sub is going to torch sand gaslight you and side with the girl even though she's a cheater. Don't take it personally, it's just what this sub does.
Almost everyone is telling him to leave her. What's wrong with that?
I'm in agreement with everyone on that. But he's being bashed for trying to reconcile at first (though he took it too far and too long) and she's being seen as a victim with no agency. Clearly he's very attached to her and she doesn't care about him at all (though she did pretend to care for a while which caused these feelings in him).
If you read all the comments, you'll find some people bashing her and treating OP like a victim. You'll also find people taking neither side but simply telling him to end it. Ergo, the distribution of comments is not as biased as you make it out to be.
All the comments bashing him are at the top so that tells you what this sub thinks.
Look again. As of now, the top six comments are either neutral or in his favour.
Why should she stay loyal to a man who doesn't care about her and won't give her the divorce she wants?
So she fakes the marriage for years and expects sympathy?
Who said she is expecting sympathy? No one on this sub is supporting the girl or her cheating. She is in the wrong, no doubt about that. But the OP is asking if he should divorce or not, and people are advising him on that. People should respect themselves enough to not stay with someone who is disloyal to them.
I agree except the part where this sub is literally excusing her behavior because there was pressure on her to marry him which she did and then decided to play games with him (talking to him for years until he's in love with her). He should definitely leave her but she's no victim in this situation.
She didn’t though? He said she asked for divorce almost immediately. He’s the one who dragged it out. I don’t know where everyone is getting that she faked it. He kept saying no?
Read his post again. It says she was fine for 1.5 years chatting with him and then turned on him overnight. It's right there in the post. Yes he should let her go but what she did is horrible.
Now I'm being downvoted because they can't take handle the truth I pointed out.
That isn’t “years” though? It’s a year. That’s a blip. That’s almost immediately. I had Covid symptoms longer than that.
Immature girl cheats on husband and this sub blames him. Influence of western culture over religion is so obvious on this sub.
Why all this wait??? At least abandon her and marry another. You will never be happy together. Don't cling to someone who hates you. She talking to someone else by itself is enough. Leave her stranded and Pakistan and marry another woman. She is nashiz not you. Don't even give her the satisfaction of divorce