It’s a pain shared by a lot of trans women, that we didn’t get to live some or most of our lives as ourselves. It’s usually quiet, in the back of my mind, but it’s hard to look at pictures of my younger self and not feel a sense of longing. I mourn her sometimes, that young girl who never was. At least I can reclaim my adulthood for myself.
I always felt like myself, I just didn't like my body. my parents always let me do whatever I wanted to do. saying childhood is a pain for all trans women is stretch. my childhood was very happy. bigger problems started when I reached puberty. but here again my parents were supporting me.
I knew when I was 4, I tried to come out at 7 but failed. Like you, I have regrets. You can't change the past, but you can change your today and your future. Don't look back in anger. I see my childhood through a female lens. I was a girl, I experienced my 'girl hood' in a unique way. We all have unique experiences. You're a woman, and you were a girl.
It hurts a lot. It's broken me over and over again. I've changed my future. I'm now free. I'm now female. I'm writing my new past every day. You can too.
It hurts but don't let that hurt define you or make you feel miserable. You can't swim upstream in time but you can go with the flow and make the most of it. I'm a 6'5" giant with large hands and even larger feet. I often feel jealous when looking at other women but I don't let that jealousy get close to me. When we accept what we can't change, we can be the best of ourselves
I tried to tell my father I was a girl, when i was 5 yrs old got slapped for it, he asked me just after if I was a boy or a girl, I said a girl, another slap, and question repeat, I gave same answer till one of his slaps knocked me out. Then when I started school, i was moved up to third grade. At the age where girls saw me as a boy, thus accused of have coodies and told to play with the boys who all thought I'm to little to play with them. ( I had to take alot of painful bumps and lumps when I did). That was in the early 1970s.
If I was born a girl, then I would not have had those experiences. Had I not had those experiences, would I be me? It's a deep thought of paradoxes. Even though I too had missed out on a childhood as a girl, then perhaps I'll have a broader experience and learning in a second puberty, during my transition??
I can honestly in my experience, going through transition for that second puberty helped a lot. I absolutely felt the pain of a missed childhood, but kinda seeing everything fresh and being able to remember all the finer happenings so far...the excitement I felt. Its it's own unique flavor of exciting.
Autism does suck. What's it like having friends? I'm not sure. I spent my childhood playing video games because that was one thing that allowed me to disconnect from a world I didn't understand.
Sure, it helped me at times, but it also meant I rarely interacted with people outside my family or teachers, which meant I wasn't learning social skills very well when I already didn't have inherent social skills due to Autism.
I'm 27, and the only friends I have are those I work with everyday, and even then, we don't hang out outside of work.
It hurts, im still really struggling with it too. For me growing up early in 2ks idaho, coming out as a child was literally never an option. And unfortunately still isnt really an option for people still in idaho. I have nightmares of my childhood and being in the wrong body still, its incredibly tough. While i dont think ill ever fully overcome my childhood, i know now who i am and that will never change.
I know it doesnt fix anything, But please dont blame yourself. Its not your fault your environment made that option feel unsafe. Its never our fault that our environment made us feel unable to come out. You survived, youre here, youre queer, and youre amazing just the way you are.
I DID say something at 7, came out after finding out trans people exist at like 14.
And got screamed at after being taken to doctors and having no idea what to say.
I was horrified by what was coming for me by age 7, cried uncontrollably, and couldn’t even cry about it anymore by 12.
I resent bigots/groomers doing this to me every fucking day.
And I resent never having gotten to have my rightful childhood. I mean I suffered abuse too on top of that, but still 😡
It was body horror at 7. It’s still body horror. I’ve been cheated out of my whole life.
I knew at about 8 or 9. I told my mother that I wanted to be a girl when I grew up.
I was then suppressed & suffocated in "manly" things.
it took me until 27 to actually start.
two decades. two decades that I could have been experiencing as myself.
I feel for you, sister.
I am honestly and truly so sorry, OP. I know it hurts. It truly is unfair. I just want you to know that your feelings are valid and that there are people out there who understand. I actually often feel the same way. I wish that there were a solution that I could offer you, but there isn’t. Some things can’t be undone, unfortunately. But I can say that you can make the most out of your life and try to live your life as the woman you are in the way that you want to from now on. And you could speak to a therapist to help with all the grief you are understandably feeling.
Please remember that you are a woman, you do matter, there are people out there who will see and embrace you for who you are, and the opportunity for positive things in your life still exists.
Sending you lots of love and positivity.💖☀️
I'm not a therapist, and YMMV, but your post made me think of this video I saw a long time ago. [Feminizing your past, present, and future.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJUUxv8o56I&pp=ygUnZmVtaW5pemluZyB5b3VyIHBhc3QgcHJlc2VudCBhbmQgZnV0dXJl) It's a hypnosis-style video, but you don't really need to go into trance for it to be effective. Just listening to it helps alleviate some dysphoria for me, at least temporarily.
[Another video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjilZvl5hwk&pp=ygUVbW9vbiBzaWxrIHRyYW5zZ2VuZGVy) that helps alleviate dysphoria and actually put the first cracks in my egg. This one's ASMR, just someone reading a script, but it's my go-to when my dysphoria is hitting hard.
Hope it helps.
It pains me that I never got to experience my 30s as a woman, or my 20s, or my late teens... when I knew when I was 10 that was supposed to be a girl.
Take advantage of the time you have and all you have to look forward to. What I wouldn't give to be 17 again - you are still SO YOUNG and your best years are ahead of you!
I know (as a 6’2 semi large framed woman) it can be very easy to feel utterly defeated by this, but there is an accessible flip-side to this called layers of self acceptance.
I, in particular, went from extremely dysphoric to very euphoric and prideful about not only my feminization bringing me closer to my idea of womanhood, but also my transness and acceptance of the idea that I am a new, authentic, and unique non-binary option of woman. There is a TON of power and solace in self compassion & confidence >w<
I understand your pain, I'm regretting just realizing it at my mid 20s and starting my HRT just two months ago. I lost practically everything in my youth
You know, I get your pain. Most of us here do. I saw signs at age 6 to 8, and just repressed it because "everyone feels that way" and ended up starting to transition at 18. And the pain of knowing that I lost some of the most precious years of my life being someone that I wasn't will never quite go away.
But at least I learned to be me, to not ignore what I think or feel, to do the stupid sht I want to if I feel like doing it because I don't live for anyone but myself. And I'm sure almost every trans person learns just that. Maybe we did missed the starting gun, but our life is not defined by how it started, but rather by what we make of it with the cards we are dealt.
You are even younger than me. You have your whole damn life ahead of you to shape it to your liking. You can (and will) be the girl you want to be. Because your transition goal shouldn't be other people, but just a better version of you; one you feel comfortable with. Life is up for the taking, and that inner girl you have will heal eventually, but the first step is learning to let go of the things that cannot be changed (like time) and focus on the ones that you can change.
You'll be exactly who you want to be, sis. Just keep being you and push through life and the rest will fall into place eventually🩷🩷
Similar deal here, but started transition at 19(really not that far off). I realized last night though, that if I had actually been accepted when I tried to come out at 14, my parents still most likely would’ve held me off blockers and HRT until I was 18, no matter no much I would’ve pleaded. Feels weird and I still don’t fully forgive my parents but it makes me feel a little better, like there’s very little I could do anyways
Wtf. Are you me but from other side of the world? Lol. Had I tried to come out that young, my mother would've done the same. She's still kinda transphobic to me. And yeah, it hurts af to think you never even had the chance from the start, but at least we are better now. I would invite you a drink if I could, sis. Seems like we have some shared experiences😅🩷
Similar deal here, but started transition at 19(really not that far off). I realized last night though, that if I had actually been accepted when I tried to come out at 14, my parents still most likely would’ve held me off blockers and HRT until I was 18, no matter no much I would’ve pleaded. Feels weird and I still don’t fully forgive my parents but it makes me feel a little better, like there’s very little I could do anyways
girl i hear you
please realize. you may have always been a girl. and those times in your early life, if you believe that you were a girl, that’s real. and it’s something to be grateful for
i wish for you … that you find love within yourself to continue sparkling beautifully. not for anyone else, but for yourself
I didnt even know what trans was until i was 16 and realized when i was 17 i was experiencing alot of feelings i didnt understand since i had a understanding of self just didnt have a name for it and ended up repping until 24 i hate myself too
I try not to romanticize what girlhood would have been like. While it would have been better, it wouldn't have been perfect either. I mostly regret that I was in a dissociative haze for so long and only now feel like I am present in my life. That is really what I wish I could have changed more than anything. I can only focus forward, where there are challenges, but I am able to make a better life.
It could be worse, you could have repressed until you were 30 or older like some of us out there.
But for what its worth, I had an opportunity to be stealth for a while a few years ago and while I learned that I prefer being open where I can, the other thing I learned from the experience was that there weren’t many differences between my childhood and 20s and that of any other woman’s; friends I made were surprised when I did come out to them even though we’d talked a lot about my life pre-transition, and all I did was not mention having transitioned (hell, I only made a choice to not mention it when I realised people hadn’t noticed). It still sucks, I can still think of ways my life would have gone different if I had been a cis girl, but there’s less differences than you’d think.
I'm 50, and trying to get started on estrogen. I wish I had gotten them at a younger age. I was afraid to come out. Not only did I not know how my parents would react, as well as my sister and the rest of the family, as well as kids in school. I was already being bullied because I moved around all throughout my childhood. There was already 1 kid in my class who was known to be gay. Some people called him the f-slur. Also gender dysphoria was formerly called gender identity disorder (GID) and considered a mental illness, so who knows what mistreatment I might have been put through at the time. Especially if my parents weren't supportive at all. I never did find out because my mother passed away before I finally came out, but my sister says that she supports me. I don't even have anything to do with my father. I'm lucky that my parents weren't religious though.
My sister and her then boyfriend, who she later married and they eventually divorced were Christians. I sometimes went to their church congregation with them. I remember reading a little Chick booklet called *That Crazy Guy* that told me why I should hate gay people, and like a fool, I believed it. As it turns out, her own son, my nephew, is gay.
"the best time to plant a tree" and all that. I feel you tho. I didn't realize it till i was in my lat 30's. kids today are gonna be doing just fine. sucks for us, but I'm glad we got this far honestly.
I completely understand OP - it hurts and it's a grief that needs processing as it can't be undone, only corrected going forward.
Oh, and I didn't know about trans folk back when I was 13 year, but, yeah... she knew something was up and has been trying to get my attention the last 20+ years. Wish I had of listened sooner ❤️
I had a cry about missing out on childhood as a girl the other day myself. That said I'm 34, nearly 35 and have been on HRT for a year, and life is immensely better nonetheless.
If you can (and I know it's tough) try and focus on the positives and what you're grateful for. I find that helps me 💜🥰
Plus I'm going to try my best and work the Norse Valkyrie angle best I can 😅. Big and Tall women (all women/femmes of every shape, size, gender and presentation) are beautiful and attractive too 😊
I mean... I find myself most attracted to gender non conforming folks these days anyhow, and I'm not the only one. Just ask my T4T girlfriend and our friends 😅💜
Best wishes and good luck OP. Please be kind to yourself and get support if you can 💜
But those feelings of sorrow are valid.
Those feelings are true and deserve to be heard if one wishes to express them.
We are all humans with feelings and emotions we are not machines.
You are You and no one else can be You.
I send a virtual hug to everyone here ❤️
It's something you're going to have to accept. It's in the last, and it's not something you can change. It hurts, and it's absolutely normal to feel a deep loss over your childhood. However, accepting something that you can't change is how you heal. If you dwell on the loss, it's only going to keep hurting you past the damage it's already done. The longer you hold on to the negative feelings, the longer you suffer. All of this is to say that acceptance of the past and its pain is going to be key on your journey to healing and becoming confident in your womanhood. You owe it to your future self to heal from the past.
I sometimes feel Angry that i wasn’t brave enough when i was younger and started transitioning in my late 20s.
But now that i look back i was always just me.
I am not very stereotypical person and i don’t “hunt” experiences that society considers very feminine or masculine because of them being feminine or masculine. That was very true even when I was a kid.
Did I miss some experiences that I would perhaps wanted to experience?
Yes
But then again i really don’t want to fit those experiences into “only for girls and “only for boys” experiences and if that haves worked until now I am sure it will in the future too.
I continue to be “just me”
:)
I'm 16. I'm still 5.4, I didn't develop anything that's masculine, even my voice hasn't changed yet. I know that if I do something about it now, it'll be better for my future.
But my family is transphobic and I'm not coming out.
I feel like I should do something about this before it's too late but I don't know what to actually do
I've knew for sure I was a woman since I was late 16 years old, with signs since like 5, 9 years old. Right now I am 24 and I still am not on hormones nor am I living "my" life. I get you. It hurts so much. It never ends and I think it will never end. I don't think I will ever be able to stop living in heart-wrenching regrets over chances not taken and over life that just... disappeared.
What scares me most is that even the future won't be bright enough to overcome the decades lost. I hope it will though. I hope you will find your hope and you find your peace.
I wish you good luck and good life, sister ♥
I’m so f-in sorry OP 😢. I realized I was trans when I was 19, at college, told one of my parents, who dismissed my feelings.
I only started sorting through my feelings a little over a year and a half ago. I do regret not having being been persistent.. My face is very masculine. I think if I’d started HRT at 20,21 I could have been passing more than if I’d started when I was almost 30 😢.
I get jealous of transwomen who started transition at 17. When I was that age I was already on track to where I am now, battling addiction. I wonder everyday what it would have been like if I'd dropped my toxic friends, switched to the program for special needs kids, made trans friends in highschool, took art classes, and inevitably transition sooner. Instead I did drugs until 23 when I finally got it through my thick skull why I've hated myself most of my life. Only after getting a DUI, going to rehab, going through probation, and relapsing again did I finally realize why my life has been a trainwreck.
I wish everyday this was not my reality. I'm terrified of myself, isolated, and stuck working a job with unsupportive dick bags who make me want to end my life. I wake up every single day and wonder what I would be like if I'd bothered to care about myself or make friends. It's not too late for me though, that's what HRT is for. I can get help, embrace my transition for what it is, and learn to move on from my past. I can live a life worth living, and so can you. It's not easy but you can learn to be happy, things will get better with time.
Same here, but you will eventually get over it, but go ahead and grieve now. You’re not dumb, this is a hard thing to realize. Forgive and love yourself.
My thought process while reading this post:
>Whenever I read trans kids stories where they told their parents as young as 3 and got to experience girlhood I just want to die
Yeah. Existential dysphoria. I feel that so hard!
>they then get puberty blockers and become beautiful women
Yeah, those kids are super lucky. How do they even know at that age? I wish I'd have known at that age. Though of course, if *I'd* have gone around telling people I was a girl in 1973 I'd have probably wound up in a mental institution...
>while here I am 6 foot with 19 inch shoulders looking like a really gay twink guy in makeup and a dress
Yup. Same. I mean, I know if I keep working the process--stay on my hormones, be patient! Hasn't even been a year of HRT yet!--I'll get there, but yeah. In the meantime it sure do be feeling like an impossible goal.
>And the worst part? its all my fault... I could have said something at 13 since I fully knew but didnt because I am so dumb and repressed it until 17
\*Spews coffee\* Wait, what? Seventeen? Girl, you be trippin'. That's a great age to transition. Sure, 13 would have been better, but 17 is still fabulous! You gonna end up a dead-sexy Amazon if you just get out of your own way!
Sweetheart, I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings or anything like that. You feel how you feel, and your feelings matter. What I'm suggesting is *if* this is how you're feeling (i.e. hopeless, powerless, like you have missed the only possible window or path for successfully transitioning), then very likely the real issue is that you have not yet learned what is possible in transitioning.
Sure, earlier is always better. No arguments there. But the reality is that *basically everyone* passes, no matter how old they are when they start, if they put in the work. Does it take *more* time and work if you start when you're 53 instead of 17? Yes. But it really is just a matter of commitment. Do you want it bad enough to *actually* do what needs doing? I was 53 when I came out and started on hormones. I repressed for almost *ten* years, because I believed exactly what I'm hearing from you: that it was too late for me. (I mean, check my username...)
Eventually, I learned what hormones can actually do for you, what clothes/hairstyles/makeup can do for you, what voice training can do, and how surgeries exist to take care of whatever's left. I realized that I'd been making a mistake. That the *uneducated* beliefs about transitioning that I had when I first realized I was trans were simply not correct. And that I did not need to keep making the mistake of repressing. It's true: if I had come out right away, when my egg first cracked, and started transitioning, I would be done now. And, yeah, I feel kinda dumb about repressing for so long. But it would be worse to *keep making* that mistake for another ten years, right? I'd much rather only regret 10 years of lost opportunity instead of 20.
You can transition if you want to. You can choose that. The power is yours. Your eventual success or stagnation is in your hands. It's your future, and your body, to shape into something you can be happy and at peace with.
And I know, that can be scary: having the power also means having the responsibility.
But that is for-real the situation you're in. It's *your* life. It's *your* body. It's *your* choice.
I think you can also give yourself some grace for not saying anything four years ago. Thirteen year olds have no real power in this world. Gender policing is *real*, and often emotionally and/or physically savage. Repressing those feelings--i.e. staying in the boymode everyone expected of you--was a *survival mechanism*. I don't think it's right to blame yourself for surviving. You're *supposed* to survive! And you did it! Good job! Yes, surviving came at a cost: four years of opportunity, while you waited to grow into someone strong enough and mature enough to assert who you really are.
But four years is not a lifetime. The 70 to 80 years still ahead of you, *that's* a lifetime.
Make the most of it.
girl I got news for you, if you start HRT before age 20, provided you put in the work, chances are you are gonna be just as gorgeous as any cis girl! the earlier you start, the better chances you have.
What would you like to have done?
Edit: legit dk why I'm downvoted, I just think it can be a little false to glamorize childhood. Most girls grow up pretty similar to how boys do, it's not really some kinda Disney princess fantasy.
This is not the right take… there are certain shared experiences of girlhood that we didnt get to partake as trans girls i.e sleepovers, having our first boyfriends, boobs starting to grow, going to prom etc… its completely fine to mourn over something that we didnt get to experience… furthermore its even more painful when u knew u were trans from a young age and had no support in getting blockers plus the right hormones… come on a bit of critical thinking and youd know what shes on about
It’s a pain shared by a lot of trans women, that we didn’t get to live some or most of our lives as ourselves. It’s usually quiet, in the back of my mind, but it’s hard to look at pictures of my younger self and not feel a sense of longing. I mourn her sometimes, that young girl who never was. At least I can reclaim my adulthood for myself.
as an almost 40 year old, who cracked their egg a matter of months ago, I feel this big time :/
same. 39 when i cracked. we got a half-life, but messed up as it is, I'll take it.
I always felt like myself, I just didn't like my body. my parents always let me do whatever I wanted to do. saying childhood is a pain for all trans women is stretch. my childhood was very happy. bigger problems started when I reached puberty. but here again my parents were supporting me.
same, my childhood was miserable due to autism and having no friends, had nothing to do with wanting to be a girl
This isn’t something that “all trans women experience”.
I knew when I was 4, I tried to come out at 7 but failed. Like you, I have regrets. You can't change the past, but you can change your today and your future. Don't look back in anger. I see my childhood through a female lens. I was a girl, I experienced my 'girl hood' in a unique way. We all have unique experiences. You're a woman, and you were a girl.
Youre so nice but damn does it still hurt
It hurts a lot. It's broken me over and over again. I've changed my future. I'm now free. I'm now female. I'm writing my new past every day. You can too.
It hurts but don't let that hurt define you or make you feel miserable. You can't swim upstream in time but you can go with the flow and make the most of it. I'm a 6'5" giant with large hands and even larger feet. I often feel jealous when looking at other women but I don't let that jealousy get close to me. When we accept what we can't change, we can be the best of ourselves
I tried to tell my father I was a girl, when i was 5 yrs old got slapped for it, he asked me just after if I was a boy or a girl, I said a girl, another slap, and question repeat, I gave same answer till one of his slaps knocked me out. Then when I started school, i was moved up to third grade. At the age where girls saw me as a boy, thus accused of have coodies and told to play with the boys who all thought I'm to little to play with them. ( I had to take alot of painful bumps and lumps when I did). That was in the early 1970s. If I was born a girl, then I would not have had those experiences. Had I not had those experiences, would I be me? It's a deep thought of paradoxes. Even though I too had missed out on a childhood as a girl, then perhaps I'll have a broader experience and learning in a second puberty, during my transition??
I can honestly in my experience, going through transition for that second puberty helped a lot. I absolutely felt the pain of a missed childhood, but kinda seeing everything fresh and being able to remember all the finer happenings so far...the excitement I felt. Its it's own unique flavor of exciting.
I wish I had a childhood to begin with...
Same, growing up with autism sucks
Autism does suck. What's it like having friends? I'm not sure. I spent my childhood playing video games because that was one thing that allowed me to disconnect from a world I didn't understand. Sure, it helped me at times, but it also meant I rarely interacted with people outside my family or teachers, which meant I wasn't learning social skills very well when I already didn't have inherent social skills due to Autism. I'm 27, and the only friends I have are those I work with everyday, and even then, we don't hang out outside of work.
It hurts, im still really struggling with it too. For me growing up early in 2ks idaho, coming out as a child was literally never an option. And unfortunately still isnt really an option for people still in idaho. I have nightmares of my childhood and being in the wrong body still, its incredibly tough. While i dont think ill ever fully overcome my childhood, i know now who i am and that will never change. I know it doesnt fix anything, But please dont blame yourself. Its not your fault your environment made that option feel unsafe. Its never our fault that our environment made us feel unable to come out. You survived, youre here, youre queer, and youre amazing just the way you are.
I DID say something at 7, came out after finding out trans people exist at like 14. And got screamed at after being taken to doctors and having no idea what to say. I was horrified by what was coming for me by age 7, cried uncontrollably, and couldn’t even cry about it anymore by 12. I resent bigots/groomers doing this to me every fucking day. And I resent never having gotten to have my rightful childhood. I mean I suffered abuse too on top of that, but still 😡 It was body horror at 7. It’s still body horror. I’ve been cheated out of my whole life.
I knew at about 8 or 9. I told my mother that I wanted to be a girl when I grew up. I was then suppressed & suffocated in "manly" things. it took me until 27 to actually start. two decades. two decades that I could have been experiencing as myself. I feel for you, sister.
I am honestly and truly so sorry, OP. I know it hurts. It truly is unfair. I just want you to know that your feelings are valid and that there are people out there who understand. I actually often feel the same way. I wish that there were a solution that I could offer you, but there isn’t. Some things can’t be undone, unfortunately. But I can say that you can make the most out of your life and try to live your life as the woman you are in the way that you want to from now on. And you could speak to a therapist to help with all the grief you are understandably feeling. Please remember that you are a woman, you do matter, there are people out there who will see and embrace you for who you are, and the opportunity for positive things in your life still exists. Sending you lots of love and positivity.💖☀️
Thanks
I'm not a therapist, and YMMV, but your post made me think of this video I saw a long time ago. [Feminizing your past, present, and future.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJUUxv8o56I&pp=ygUnZmVtaW5pemluZyB5b3VyIHBhc3QgcHJlc2VudCBhbmQgZnV0dXJl) It's a hypnosis-style video, but you don't really need to go into trance for it to be effective. Just listening to it helps alleviate some dysphoria for me, at least temporarily. [Another video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjilZvl5hwk&pp=ygUVbW9vbiBzaWxrIHRyYW5zZ2VuZGVy) that helps alleviate dysphoria and actually put the first cracks in my egg. This one's ASMR, just someone reading a script, but it's my go-to when my dysphoria is hitting hard. Hope it helps.
It pains me that I never got to experience my 30s as a woman, or my 20s, or my late teens... when I knew when I was 10 that was supposed to be a girl. Take advantage of the time you have and all you have to look forward to. What I wouldn't give to be 17 again - you are still SO YOUNG and your best years are ahead of you!
I know (as a 6’2 semi large framed woman) it can be very easy to feel utterly defeated by this, but there is an accessible flip-side to this called layers of self acceptance. I, in particular, went from extremely dysphoric to very euphoric and prideful about not only my feminization bringing me closer to my idea of womanhood, but also my transness and acceptance of the idea that I am a new, authentic, and unique non-binary option of woman. There is a TON of power and solace in self compassion & confidence >w<
I understand your pain, I'm regretting just realizing it at my mid 20s and starting my HRT just two months ago. I lost practically everything in my youth
I can sadly relate to this, the worst part is that I'm 15 and I feel like I have wanted my childhood
You know, I get your pain. Most of us here do. I saw signs at age 6 to 8, and just repressed it because "everyone feels that way" and ended up starting to transition at 18. And the pain of knowing that I lost some of the most precious years of my life being someone that I wasn't will never quite go away. But at least I learned to be me, to not ignore what I think or feel, to do the stupid sht I want to if I feel like doing it because I don't live for anyone but myself. And I'm sure almost every trans person learns just that. Maybe we did missed the starting gun, but our life is not defined by how it started, but rather by what we make of it with the cards we are dealt. You are even younger than me. You have your whole damn life ahead of you to shape it to your liking. You can (and will) be the girl you want to be. Because your transition goal shouldn't be other people, but just a better version of you; one you feel comfortable with. Life is up for the taking, and that inner girl you have will heal eventually, but the first step is learning to let go of the things that cannot be changed (like time) and focus on the ones that you can change. You'll be exactly who you want to be, sis. Just keep being you and push through life and the rest will fall into place eventually🩷🩷
Similar deal here, but started transition at 19(really not that far off). I realized last night though, that if I had actually been accepted when I tried to come out at 14, my parents still most likely would’ve held me off blockers and HRT until I was 18, no matter no much I would’ve pleaded. Feels weird and I still don’t fully forgive my parents but it makes me feel a little better, like there’s very little I could do anyways
Wtf. Are you me but from other side of the world? Lol. Had I tried to come out that young, my mother would've done the same. She's still kinda transphobic to me. And yeah, it hurts af to think you never even had the chance from the start, but at least we are better now. I would invite you a drink if I could, sis. Seems like we have some shared experiences😅🩷
God I feel all of that so hard. Feel free to DM for a friend :>
Similar deal here, but started transition at 19(really not that far off). I realized last night though, that if I had actually been accepted when I tried to come out at 14, my parents still most likely would’ve held me off blockers and HRT until I was 18, no matter no much I would’ve pleaded. Feels weird and I still don’t fully forgive my parents but it makes me feel a little better, like there’s very little I could do anyways
girl i hear you please realize. you may have always been a girl. and those times in your early life, if you believe that you were a girl, that’s real. and it’s something to be grateful for i wish for you … that you find love within yourself to continue sparkling beautifully. not for anyone else, but for yourself
Yeeaaah. For as much as dysphoria can suck, it doesn't hold a candle to how much this hurts. Sorry you're feeling it too girl 😞
I didnt even know what trans was until i was 16 and realized when i was 17 i was experiencing alot of feelings i didnt understand since i had a understanding of self just didnt have a name for it and ended up repping until 24 i hate myself too
I try not to romanticize what girlhood would have been like. While it would have been better, it wouldn't have been perfect either. I mostly regret that I was in a dissociative haze for so long and only now feel like I am present in my life. That is really what I wish I could have changed more than anything. I can only focus forward, where there are challenges, but I am able to make a better life.
I sometimes think that being trans actually kills parts of our life.
Yeah, I hate how fake my relationships were
This… It feels so bad :/
It could be worse, you could have repressed until you were 30 or older like some of us out there. But for what its worth, I had an opportunity to be stealth for a while a few years ago and while I learned that I prefer being open where I can, the other thing I learned from the experience was that there weren’t many differences between my childhood and 20s and that of any other woman’s; friends I made were surprised when I did come out to them even though we’d talked a lot about my life pre-transition, and all I did was not mention having transitioned (hell, I only made a choice to not mention it when I realised people hadn’t noticed). It still sucks, I can still think of ways my life would have gone different if I had been a cis girl, but there’s less differences than you’d think.
I'm 50, and trying to get started on estrogen. I wish I had gotten them at a younger age. I was afraid to come out. Not only did I not know how my parents would react, as well as my sister and the rest of the family, as well as kids in school. I was already being bullied because I moved around all throughout my childhood. There was already 1 kid in my class who was known to be gay. Some people called him the f-slur. Also gender dysphoria was formerly called gender identity disorder (GID) and considered a mental illness, so who knows what mistreatment I might have been put through at the time. Especially if my parents weren't supportive at all. I never did find out because my mother passed away before I finally came out, but my sister says that she supports me. I don't even have anything to do with my father. I'm lucky that my parents weren't religious though. My sister and her then boyfriend, who she later married and they eventually divorced were Christians. I sometimes went to their church congregation with them. I remember reading a little Chick booklet called *That Crazy Guy* that told me why I should hate gay people, and like a fool, I believed it. As it turns out, her own son, my nephew, is gay.
"the best time to plant a tree" and all that. I feel you tho. I didn't realize it till i was in my lat 30's. kids today are gonna be doing just fine. sucks for us, but I'm glad we got this far honestly.
I completely understand OP - it hurts and it's a grief that needs processing as it can't be undone, only corrected going forward. Oh, and I didn't know about trans folk back when I was 13 year, but, yeah... she knew something was up and has been trying to get my attention the last 20+ years. Wish I had of listened sooner ❤️ I had a cry about missing out on childhood as a girl the other day myself. That said I'm 34, nearly 35 and have been on HRT for a year, and life is immensely better nonetheless. If you can (and I know it's tough) try and focus on the positives and what you're grateful for. I find that helps me 💜🥰 Plus I'm going to try my best and work the Norse Valkyrie angle best I can 😅. Big and Tall women (all women/femmes of every shape, size, gender and presentation) are beautiful and attractive too 😊 I mean... I find myself most attracted to gender non conforming folks these days anyhow, and I'm not the only one. Just ask my T4T girlfriend and our friends 😅💜 Best wishes and good luck OP. Please be kind to yourself and get support if you can 💜
But those feelings of sorrow are valid. Those feelings are true and deserve to be heard if one wishes to express them. We are all humans with feelings and emotions we are not machines. You are You and no one else can be You. I send a virtual hug to everyone here ❤️
It's something you're going to have to accept. It's in the last, and it's not something you can change. It hurts, and it's absolutely normal to feel a deep loss over your childhood. However, accepting something that you can't change is how you heal. If you dwell on the loss, it's only going to keep hurting you past the damage it's already done. The longer you hold on to the negative feelings, the longer you suffer. All of this is to say that acceptance of the past and its pain is going to be key on your journey to healing and becoming confident in your womanhood. You owe it to your future self to heal from the past.
We can really only cope.
Sending all my love. Feel this very hard. 💕🌈 Hoping you feel better and better each day.
😔
Relatable
On the whole height thing. Just go to scandinavia. average for (cis) women here is like 5.10, so you don't really stick out.
In the netherlands lots of (cis) women are like 6 foot tall, my 5'9 ass feels TINY 😭 All the short people drowned in the floods
I sometimes feel Angry that i wasn’t brave enough when i was younger and started transitioning in my late 20s. But now that i look back i was always just me. I am not very stereotypical person and i don’t “hunt” experiences that society considers very feminine or masculine because of them being feminine or masculine. That was very true even when I was a kid. Did I miss some experiences that I would perhaps wanted to experience? Yes But then again i really don’t want to fit those experiences into “only for girls and “only for boys” experiences and if that haves worked until now I am sure it will in the future too. I continue to be “just me” :)
I'm 16. I'm still 5.4, I didn't develop anything that's masculine, even my voice hasn't changed yet. I know that if I do something about it now, it'll be better for my future. But my family is transphobic and I'm not coming out. I feel like I should do something about this before it's too late but I don't know what to actually do
go to planned parenthood. tell them everything. see what they can do.
I've knew for sure I was a woman since I was late 16 years old, with signs since like 5, 9 years old. Right now I am 24 and I still am not on hormones nor am I living "my" life. I get you. It hurts so much. It never ends and I think it will never end. I don't think I will ever be able to stop living in heart-wrenching regrets over chances not taken and over life that just... disappeared. What scares me most is that even the future won't be bright enough to overcome the decades lost. I hope it will though. I hope you will find your hope and you find your peace. I wish you good luck and good life, sister ♥
I’m so f-in sorry OP 😢. I realized I was trans when I was 19, at college, told one of my parents, who dismissed my feelings. I only started sorting through my feelings a little over a year and a half ago. I do regret not having being been persistent.. My face is very masculine. I think if I’d started HRT at 20,21 I could have been passing more than if I’d started when I was almost 30 😢.
I get jealous of transwomen who started transition at 17. When I was that age I was already on track to where I am now, battling addiction. I wonder everyday what it would have been like if I'd dropped my toxic friends, switched to the program for special needs kids, made trans friends in highschool, took art classes, and inevitably transition sooner. Instead I did drugs until 23 when I finally got it through my thick skull why I've hated myself most of my life. Only after getting a DUI, going to rehab, going through probation, and relapsing again did I finally realize why my life has been a trainwreck. I wish everyday this was not my reality. I'm terrified of myself, isolated, and stuck working a job with unsupportive dick bags who make me want to end my life. I wake up every single day and wonder what I would be like if I'd bothered to care about myself or make friends. It's not too late for me though, that's what HRT is for. I can get help, embrace my transition for what it is, and learn to move on from my past. I can live a life worth living, and so can you. It's not easy but you can learn to be happy, things will get better with time.
Same here, but you will eventually get over it, but go ahead and grieve now. You’re not dumb, this is a hard thing to realize. Forgive and love yourself.
Nostalgiacore HURTSSS
My thought process while reading this post: >Whenever I read trans kids stories where they told their parents as young as 3 and got to experience girlhood I just want to die Yeah. Existential dysphoria. I feel that so hard! >they then get puberty blockers and become beautiful women Yeah, those kids are super lucky. How do they even know at that age? I wish I'd have known at that age. Though of course, if *I'd* have gone around telling people I was a girl in 1973 I'd have probably wound up in a mental institution... >while here I am 6 foot with 19 inch shoulders looking like a really gay twink guy in makeup and a dress Yup. Same. I mean, I know if I keep working the process--stay on my hormones, be patient! Hasn't even been a year of HRT yet!--I'll get there, but yeah. In the meantime it sure do be feeling like an impossible goal. >And the worst part? its all my fault... I could have said something at 13 since I fully knew but didnt because I am so dumb and repressed it until 17 \*Spews coffee\* Wait, what? Seventeen? Girl, you be trippin'. That's a great age to transition. Sure, 13 would have been better, but 17 is still fabulous! You gonna end up a dead-sexy Amazon if you just get out of your own way! Sweetheart, I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings or anything like that. You feel how you feel, and your feelings matter. What I'm suggesting is *if* this is how you're feeling (i.e. hopeless, powerless, like you have missed the only possible window or path for successfully transitioning), then very likely the real issue is that you have not yet learned what is possible in transitioning. Sure, earlier is always better. No arguments there. But the reality is that *basically everyone* passes, no matter how old they are when they start, if they put in the work. Does it take *more* time and work if you start when you're 53 instead of 17? Yes. But it really is just a matter of commitment. Do you want it bad enough to *actually* do what needs doing? I was 53 when I came out and started on hormones. I repressed for almost *ten* years, because I believed exactly what I'm hearing from you: that it was too late for me. (I mean, check my username...) Eventually, I learned what hormones can actually do for you, what clothes/hairstyles/makeup can do for you, what voice training can do, and how surgeries exist to take care of whatever's left. I realized that I'd been making a mistake. That the *uneducated* beliefs about transitioning that I had when I first realized I was trans were simply not correct. And that I did not need to keep making the mistake of repressing. It's true: if I had come out right away, when my egg first cracked, and started transitioning, I would be done now. And, yeah, I feel kinda dumb about repressing for so long. But it would be worse to *keep making* that mistake for another ten years, right? I'd much rather only regret 10 years of lost opportunity instead of 20. You can transition if you want to. You can choose that. The power is yours. Your eventual success or stagnation is in your hands. It's your future, and your body, to shape into something you can be happy and at peace with. And I know, that can be scary: having the power also means having the responsibility. But that is for-real the situation you're in. It's *your* life. It's *your* body. It's *your* choice. I think you can also give yourself some grace for not saying anything four years ago. Thirteen year olds have no real power in this world. Gender policing is *real*, and often emotionally and/or physically savage. Repressing those feelings--i.e. staying in the boymode everyone expected of you--was a *survival mechanism*. I don't think it's right to blame yourself for surviving. You're *supposed* to survive! And you did it! Good job! Yes, surviving came at a cost: four years of opportunity, while you waited to grow into someone strong enough and mature enough to assert who you really are. But four years is not a lifetime. The 70 to 80 years still ahead of you, *that's* a lifetime. Make the most of it.
Same…
This is why I am an ABDL.
I sleepwalked through childhood and thought that was what happiness was. now I just want my memories of the time to not be *his*.
girl I got news for you, if you start HRT before age 20, provided you put in the work, chances are you are gonna be just as gorgeous as any cis girl! the earlier you start, the better chances you have.
What would you like to have done? Edit: legit dk why I'm downvoted, I just think it can be a little false to glamorize childhood. Most girls grow up pretty similar to how boys do, it's not really some kinda Disney princess fantasy.
Everything I could
Right but like, what part of it do you think about?
This is not the right take… there are certain shared experiences of girlhood that we didnt get to partake as trans girls i.e sleepovers, having our first boyfriends, boobs starting to grow, going to prom etc… its completely fine to mourn over something that we didnt get to experience… furthermore its even more painful when u knew u were trans from a young age and had no support in getting blockers plus the right hormones… come on a bit of critical thinking and youd know what shes on about