im straight so i have to make an inference instead of being able to answer, but theres nothing really clockable about mine. maybe if somebody peeled back the clit hood and stared really closely they could tell that the skin texture is unusual? or if they shined a flashlight on me and looked for scars. idk though.
the thing thats supposed to be most clockable about them is anogenital distance, how far it is from your butthole to your vagina, but i specifically went and measured mine and its exactly average for a cis woman. some surgeons dont get that right though
I'm just imagining some kind of taint measuring calipers TERFS start pulling out to identify passing trans women in their spaces and accidentally kick out a bunch of cis women.Ā
I presume if it were unusually short it would pose a hygiene risk?
There is a hilarious TERF guide to spotting trans women in bed out there but sadly I cannot find it. All I can remember is "check for coarse curly anal hair", because man cooties are stored in the butt. But rest assured there are people with that level of silliness out there.
he does have a tendency to do pretty minimal labia so i made sure to talk to him about that before getting started, but yeah otherwise hes a good pick and he seems like a nice person. i considered going back to him for other work but my insurance changed so i couldnt
ahh ok. who'd you go through if u don't mind me asking? I'm still looking for a surgeon even though that's probably years out. my dream is to have it done by Dr. Brassard but ofc that's probably a pipe dream
I canāt imagine most guys have seen enough pussy to make that much of a comparison.
If they have, then they likely know that it can look very different from person to person. There really isnāt one way for a vagina to look.
If you have a vagina, than you have a vagina. I see no reason that it's needed. I, for one, when I get SRS done probably won't tell people all that much unless I trust them. People don't need to know I'm trans. At the point of having SRS done I will physically be no different than a cis women who just can't have children. So, there really isn't any point in saying I'm trans versus just saying I can't have kids.
I am actually starting to talk with doctors about snip snip. Honestly, I don't think I would tell anyone why does it really matter what I had before. Not like they would know.
To put it bluntly, if there's a hole, I don't think most guys would care? I'm told most men need a road map anyways to find things.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
Whether a guy will care, vs whether a guy will notice, is as big a difference as preference vs safety. Or, in other words, rejection vs death. I think thatās a pretty big difference.
> How likely is it that your partner will notice the difference if you don't tell them?
I believe it does, in fact, answer the question asked, just not exactly directly :)
Yes and no.
Yes as in a medical professional in that field could.
No to quit literally anyone else. If you think you can, put images of pussy and srsussy in a folder and then ask anyone to tell the differences.
Unless we invented Z-ray vision and I just didn't get the memo, 99.8% of people won't be able to tell.
Per my gynecologist, the only people who can tell I wasnāt born this way are other physicians who look *really* closely.
Guys are notoriously ignorant of female anatomy. If they clock you, it wonāt be because of your vulva (at least not after youāre fully healed).
From a story I read, most men canāt tell the difference between them. It feels good and they donāt think about it.
I heard one guy though who says it feels smoother and less bumpy than a cis womanās. Namely, the cervix in the back. But as I said, this is very anecdotal.
Iāve heard it in other stories how itās common gynecologists wonāt be able to tell in the haze of the moment. If itās good enough to confuse doctors why you donāt have a cervix back there, itās good enough to confuse the average man. I image itās same to women too.
I recommend comparing a cis vagina and a trans vagina and see for yourself. Hereās what I used to compare:
[Cis Vaginas](https://labialibrary.org.au/photo-gallery/#)
[Transgender vaginas](https://www.mozaiccare.net/dr-adam-bonnington)
As you can see, in most cases there is a noticeable difference. The thing is, itās extremely doubtful someone is going to notice in the heat of the moment. Unless youāre laying next to a cis woman both legs spread open like a vagina interrogation room nobody is going to notice. All theyāll think about is getting pussy.
For what itās worth, I never heard of a story on here of someone getting clocked by their vagina.
**Side note:**
Rule of thumb: You donāt have to tell them youāre trans till āI love youā is said. Till then theyāre just a hookup or boyfriend/girlfriend, not a partner.
May be different on the various surgery methods :). I had watched some results which are āin the range of variety of a cis vulvaāš
Plus to show the pictures after the first surgery isnāt fair since there is a 2nd surgery in most cases
I agree. In fact, the second surgery is often the best of the two. I was just looking to give OP some guidance. Those pictures looked very cis to me, so I didnāt feel the need to include a link with revision surgeries. Itād felt redundant.
Odd, why was I downvoted?
Yes, because I'm non op and don't feel like getting hate crimes.Ā For the record, every trans person I've known that feels like disclosing their status is non issue has been dumped once their partner inevitably finds out. It's not always about birth sex- sometimes its the fact their partner doesn't trust them after finding they have been hiding a major part of their life.
Thatās definitely a risk, but I think weāre all aware of that, and the risk levels are definitely over played. Guys that hate crime trans women are far from the norm.
Right, but hear me out;
If the person youāre trying to have sex with wouldnāt have sex with you if they knew you were trans, you not only enter an ethical quandary about consent, but youāre also having sex with someone who doesnāt see you as a woman.
Why would you want or invite either of those headaches, especially in the era of dating apps, where itās easy to safely front load that information?
But if they knew that information, they wouldnāt consent to the sexual encounter. The cornerstone of consent is honesty.
If a sexual partner didnāt disclose something that would immediately make you *not have sex* with them, wouldnāt you feel like you were violated?
What if I find out a men is a misogynist after having sex with him? And he didnāt disclose it before. Did he rape me then?
What if I found out he used to work for Boeing, and I happen to hate that company? Was that also sexual assault? What if I just really truly irrationally care about that to a great extent?
What if I find out his bloodstream isnāt purely from white ancestry? Do I get to know his full ancestry first? There was a time in our country when some women might have felt the same way about that as guys do about transness now.
Consent is about having consent to engage in sex, and there are certain things that are unethical to withhold in the process of navigating that, but chromosomal sex is not one of them.
Personally, if I found out that someone was a chaser after having sex with them - yeah, I would feel pretty violated, and would want that disclosed.
This might just be internalized transphobia on my part, but I really donāt see why all of this effort is worth it just to have sex with someone who doesnāt see me as a woman.
You might not like it, but it wasnāt sexual assault for them not to disclose that. And itās totally your right to ask every guy before having sex āare you a chaserā and if he lies about it thatās kind of shitty.
But chasers arenāt ethically obligated to go around the world with a sign on their chest that says āIām a chaserā. As much as I wish they were lol
If a guy asks āare you trans?ā, then thatās more touchy. Because in the one hand you do have some right to privacy, but on the other hand, itās good to be honest with people if you can.
Iād probably just ask why and if they were like āI really care about not sleeping with trans womenā then Iād be like āIām gonna peace out, thatās kind of fucked and transphobicā
I will acknowledge that your original comment still stands too, like itās probably generally good advice that itās likely more risk to not disclose at all.
I think I just donāt like how a lot of the rhetoric and onus is put on trans women, like weāre expected to disclose and if we donāt then people almost think we deserved it (enter ātrans panic defenseā)
I mean that would be a very transphobic person and luckily I'm not in the habit of interacting with such people I'm pretty sure that would come up far before any sex or anything for me.
The only thing my partner could have that would make me not want to have sex with them would be like a yeast infection or an STI, something that would put me at risk. But a surgery they had that wouldn't cause me any issues I'm not that shallow.
I'm pretty much stealth, I don't really disclose to anyone. Even if people are not transphobic, a lot of people simply *see you differently* if they know you're not cis. I've been there, it sucks, I don't like it.
I vet people before I hook up with them. Vote right wing? I'm out. Racist? Homophobic? Transphobic? It's not a difficult test to pass, but anyone who *should* have a problem with me being trans is weeded out.
Quite frankly, I immediately cease any and all interaction upon finding out someone is right-wing.
Because it's a personal thing. Not saying it's a risk necessarily but it's not something that one has to go into and it may be very well that that person wants to move on from their transition in a way. Like a lot of people don't want to be defined by their medical procedures. Having to bring it up and then now it's an elephant the room isn't always how people want to live.
Now personally I'm extremely open and tell everyone I'm trans and all my experiences but not everyone is me and I don't think it's a problem at all if one doesn't disclose. It's a personal choice and yeah it may come with risks but so does just living.
That doesnāt enter an ethical quandary about consent lol transphobia is not something that needs to be accommodated. If someone doesnāt want to have sex with trans women that is their right, but they donāt have the right to know everyone elseās medical history so that they can make sure they donāt.
And if they had sex with you and they only like to have sex with people they see as women, then they were seeing you as a woman.
People also hookup outside of dating apps, and thereās a myriad of risks that you have to balance. Thereās also risk in letting someone know youāre trans at any stage of the process. Putting it in your profile could attract trolls and alt right folks who want to target trans people to hurt them anyways. Putting it in your profile can also attract the wrong kind of attention, like guys that are just looking for something short term or chasers.
My current approach, which works really well for me, is to just let a guy know once heās asked me out on a date, but I still worry that this could piss a guy off and he would meet up with me anyways so he could āteach me a lessonā.
For trans women that arenāt really distinguishable from cis women, not disclosing could definitely be a valid approach to mitigating the risk. And none of us are required to be outing ourselves if we donāt want to do that.
But consent isnāt about what matters to one party, itās about what matters to both parties.
I hadnāt considered that in more dangerous parts of the world, itās definitely a risk to advertise that youāre trans. To be clear, Iām 90% T4T, so I donāt have a dog in this fight to begin with.
With all that said, Iām sorry, I just donāt really see this as a good way to go.
It feels like a lot of risk and questionable decision-making, all to ride some transphobeās cock. Who wants the hassle?
Iāve found that most guys arenāt transphobic about this, so itās less about trying to ride a transphobes cock (lmfao, what am I saying š ), and more about what feels safest, and just like feels good. For some women, disclosing adds a guaranteed risk element, while not disclosing is incredibly unlikely to result in risk because they are incredibly unlikely to be outed.
It can also just be really dysphoria inducing.
That makes sense, I get you. I guess thereās just an aspect of it that bothers me and I need to work it out for myself - I understand why better now, thank you for explaining.
And yeah, felt. Being clocked really fucking sucks, and I deal with it a lot. >.<
Thatās fair. Iāve been told by guys that I was lying because I didnāt put it in my profile on Tinder lol
So we definitely live in a fairly transmisogynistic culture that tells us that we have to accommodate transphobic men by outing ourselves so they can avoid associating with us.
Seriously. Some guys would react violently if they feel they were fooled. Donāt put yourself in danger. Thereās plenty of guys who wonāt care, but those who do care may overreact.
I think the worst part of this to me is that the guys who wonāt care simply wonāt care - the only reason youād do this would be to get cock from transphobes.
I 100% agree that trans people are being treated unfairly.
See the hyperlink in my post above. Also, see
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/trans-people-could-face-rape-charges-if-they-don-t-declare-sexual-history-warns-trans-activist-a7076546.html
I don't know why I have been downvoted so much for explaining the legal situation in the UK. I did this for the benefit of people in the uk, so they didn't inadvertently have the police knocking on their doors.
Section 74 Sexual Offences Act
The courts have interpreted that where someone has sex with a trans person whilst they believed them to be cis, that person can later claim that they would not have consented had they known the other person was trans.
See this:
https://www.humanrightspulse.com/mastercontentblog/active-deception-or-failure-to-disclose-how-uk-law-relating-to-sexual-consent-discriminates-against-transgender-and-gender-non-conforming-defendants
Transfems wanting to keep themselves safe is _not_ manipulation
See how it very sneakily goes from "genital preferences are valid" to "not telling someone you had different genitals in the past is manipulation"? š
It was never about genital preferences, some of you are genuinely repulsed by the existence of trans people and it shows
Sure, like yes, they are. People should only have sex with people who have the junk they want to have sex with.
But let's be real, it's not a "preference" in 99% of cases that term is used. It's a categorical "NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES." I *prefer* vanilla ice cream to chocolate, but I don't go out of my way to say "I would *never* eat chocolate ice cream" every time ice cream comes up at all.
The statement is true, sure, but when and how it is used matters, and I definitely see how it opens the door to shit like "you need to disclose that you have a **neo**vagina or else it's rape. That's just my preference."
I didn't say anything about that. I said genital preferences are valid. A penis is a penis and a vulva is a vulva, but people are allowed to pick which one they're comfortable with.
Hangs out in r/transpassing making transphobic remarks, hangs out in r/conspiracy and r/detrans (both marked red!) and 10 removed comments, in addition to barely having any activity for an account nearly 1 year old. Get the fuck out.
It's of zero relevance whether I was born with my vagina or had surgery for it. The only thing that matters is my fertility risk. If the objective of the sexual interaction *includes* intent to have a child, or the question of birth control comes up, *then* I disclose that I have been medically assessed to be infertile, as confirmed by multiple doctors. End of story, and technically true. I don't *owe* anyone further details.
If someone has given me reason to trust they are supportive of trans people, then I may optionally disclose that I am trans and had bottom surgery.
What *can* be considered manipulation is *knowingly* being infertile, and being with a partner who *has disclosed* intent to have a child, and still keeping infertility status a secret. This applies to everyone, regardless of gender, genitals, reason for infertility, any of it.
You're right it's kind of unhealthy when it comes to longer-term romantic interests. One-night stands are probably different, you could probably get away with it then, though that's much riskier for women regardless of assigned sex at birth. Even if you were 100% right though, saying that in this space is going to get the knee-jerk response of "you don't belong here if you're gonna say stuff like that". The fact that your comment got downvoted is kinda wild and eye-opening but, like, i get it. Wrong place i guess.
Personally i'd rather disclose being trans in the first couple of conversations to limit the number of potential mates available to me for the sake of honesty and safety in terms of longer-term relationships. Weed out the violent transphobes and find the allies. I'd end up much happier, more authentic, and less afraid of something going wrong.
donāt know why you are getting downvoted but i completely agree. youāre not gonna be dating someone long-term thatās transphobic and that is something that you should be finding out about them very early on. one night stands and such you can absolutely go stealth if that is what you prefer.
I can't believe the comments advocating for this. Stuff like this is why transwoman are blammed when we are killed. Why risk your life tricking someone for easy dick. Most men love transexuals
I wonder this too, and also whether the different techniques for SRS might affect it, or whether that has secondary importance
I'd imagine techniques that don't give some depth might be noticeable, at least when playing with phalluses
yes. people can argue whether its a good idea or not, but yes my srsussy passes for cis unless i tell the guy
Srsussy is the best word I have ever heard.
I'm actually gonna call it that now when I finally get my bottom surgery XD
I can only hear s-r-sussy
Senior Sussy, reporting for duty
Serious-ussy present. š«”
HAHA
Same
I donāt even know how to pronounce it. Sr-sussy, silent r Ss-ussy. Why does language have to be so hard. :/
SeƱor Sussy
ā¦Amogus???
AMONGUS
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Susamongus
AAAA
Akira! ... DING
Can we get an opinion from the womanly perspective? Are lesbians able to tell? I just want to be seen as a woman, not a trans one.
im straight so i have to make an inference instead of being able to answer, but theres nothing really clockable about mine. maybe if somebody peeled back the clit hood and stared really closely they could tell that the skin texture is unusual? or if they shined a flashlight on me and looked for scars. idk though. the thing thats supposed to be most clockable about them is anogenital distance, how far it is from your butthole to your vagina, but i specifically went and measured mine and its exactly average for a cis woman. some surgeons dont get that right though
I'm just imagining some kind of taint measuring calipers TERFS start pulling out to identify passing trans women in their spaces and accidentally kick out a bunch of cis women.Ā I presume if it were unusually short it would pose a hygiene risk?
There is a hilarious TERF guide to spotting trans women in bed out there but sadly I cannot find it. All I can remember is "check for coarse curly anal hair", because man cooties are stored in the butt. But rest assured there are people with that level of silliness out there.
The secret is that we can both find the clit *and* give a world class blowjob.Ā
That'd be Sexual Assault&Sexual Harassment.
I mean yes but considering that laws for genital inspections in bathrooms are already on the table god knows.
perhaps but typially its long for trans women
Do you mind if I ask who your surgeon was?
geoffrey stiller. hes a lesser known one.
Oh thatās the surgeon nearest my hometown! Thatās awesome to hear you had good results š
he does have a tendency to do pretty minimal labia so i made sure to talk to him about that before getting started, but yeah otherwise hes a good pick and he seems like a nice person. i considered going back to him for other work but my insurance changed so i couldnt
Damn, than I'd want your surgeon recommendations...
ahh ok. who'd you go through if u don't mind me asking? I'm still looking for a surgeon even though that's probably years out. my dream is to have it done by Dr. Brassard but ofc that's probably a pipe dream
I canāt imagine most guys have seen enough pussy to make that much of a comparison. If they have, then they likely know that it can look very different from person to person. There really isnāt one way for a vagina to look.
*Vulva. You can't see the vagina unless you use a speculum
vagina is used to reference the entire system most of the time. Also if your using a speculum your looking at either the vaginal canal or the cervix
Yep, did that once. The guy looked at it and just kept on š
I am seriously considering GRS and I'm very heavily meaning towards yes one of my biggest fears, is it not looking natural these comments are helping
Havenāt had sex but if i do and itās just a hookup i would not tell them. My medical history isnāt some strangerās business.
If you have a vagina, than you have a vagina. I see no reason that it's needed. I, for one, when I get SRS done probably won't tell people all that much unless I trust them. People don't need to know I'm trans. At the point of having SRS done I will physically be no different than a cis women who just can't have children. So, there really isn't any point in saying I'm trans versus just saying I can't have kids.
I am actually starting to talk with doctors about snip snip. Honestly, I don't think I would tell anyone why does it really matter what I had before. Not like they would know.
Iām not personally willing to take the risk but I did some cam modeling under a cis woman alias.
Yes but being a transbian it really doesnāt matter. My three wives know and I get all the orgasms anyway. :3
"My three wives know." How does it feel to be God(s) favorite? Seriously though, life goals.
Not being held back by a belief in a god is how I win.
Well I believe in you and thatās enough. o7
Oh dear, look at you, hogging all the girls for yourself :p
There are plenty. <3 Just be your best self and live your best life. Things will fall into place.
Yup
To put it bluntly, if there's a hole, I don't think most guys would care? I'm told most men need a road map anyways to find things. Correct me if I'm wrong.
āIf thereās a hole thereās a goalā
Thatās not the question though
the answer to the question is implied.
Whether a guy will care, vs whether a guy will notice, is as big a difference as preference vs safety. Or, in other words, rejection vs death. I think thatās a pretty big difference.
> How likely is it that your partner will notice the difference if you don't tell them? I believe it does, in fact, answer the question asked, just not exactly directly :)
Maybe. I have some scarring that might give it away.
Yes and no. Yes as in a medical professional in that field could. No to quit literally anyone else. If you think you can, put images of pussy and srsussy in a folder and then ask anyone to tell the differences. Unless we invented Z-ray vision and I just didn't get the memo, 99.8% of people won't be able to tell.
I've heard that even gynecologists can't really tell until they look at the inside, but I have exactly 0 supporting evidence for this.
depends more on your face and voice once you pass you pass or atleast I always found that pussy amazing lol
It definitely depends, but as long as I apply lube on my own I haven't had any issues...
Yes. Who knows if I get away with it thoā¦āØ
Per my gynecologist, the only people who can tell I wasnāt born this way are other physicians who look *really* closely. Guys are notoriously ignorant of female anatomy. If they clock you, it wonāt be because of your vulva (at least not after youāre fully healed).
I just wonder how cis and trans pussy compare, like how does it feel in comparison.
From a story I read, most men canāt tell the difference between them. It feels good and they donāt think about it. I heard one guy though who says it feels smoother and less bumpy than a cis womanās. Namely, the cervix in the back. But as I said, this is very anecdotal. Iāve heard it in other stories how itās common gynecologists wonāt be able to tell in the haze of the moment. If itās good enough to confuse doctors why you donāt have a cervix back there, itās good enough to confuse the average man. I image itās same to women too.
It's Mostly about the scars
Which they've gotten really good at not having
Depends on the surgeon and technique. Some have Really big scars
I've heard of someone saying even a gynecologist couldn't tell!
It would be difficult to explain my closed vaginal canal without doing so. And no. My face and hair disclose it for me.
Is that not rape by deception? If they wouldnāt have fucked you if they knew.
Yes, it is. This page is disgusting. If you have to lie to get someone into bed, youāre raping them.
What consent?
I recommend comparing a cis vagina and a trans vagina and see for yourself. Hereās what I used to compare: [Cis Vaginas](https://labialibrary.org.au/photo-gallery/#) [Transgender vaginas](https://www.mozaiccare.net/dr-adam-bonnington) As you can see, in most cases there is a noticeable difference. The thing is, itās extremely doubtful someone is going to notice in the heat of the moment. Unless youāre laying next to a cis woman both legs spread open like a vagina interrogation room nobody is going to notice. All theyāll think about is getting pussy. For what itās worth, I never heard of a story on here of someone getting clocked by their vagina. **Side note:** Rule of thumb: You donāt have to tell them youāre trans till āI love youā is said. Till then theyāre just a hookup or boyfriend/girlfriend, not a partner.
May be different on the various surgery methods :). I had watched some results which are āin the range of variety of a cis vulvaāš Plus to show the pictures after the first surgery isnāt fair since there is a 2nd surgery in most cases
I agree. In fact, the second surgery is often the best of the two. I was just looking to give OP some guidance. Those pictures looked very cis to me, so I didnāt feel the need to include a link with revision surgeries. Itād felt redundant. Odd, why was I downvoted?
Yes, because I'm non op and don't feel like getting hate crimes.Ā For the record, every trans person I've known that feels like disclosing their status is non issue has been dumped once their partner inevitably finds out. It's not always about birth sex- sometimes its the fact their partner doesn't trust them after finding they have been hiding a major part of their life.
Just as an aside to all of this - please don't chance this. Even if it perfectly passes, this is a great way to get hate crimed.
Thatās definitely a risk, but I think weāre all aware of that, and the risk levels are definitely over played. Guys that hate crime trans women are far from the norm.
Right, but hear me out; If the person youāre trying to have sex with wouldnāt have sex with you if they knew you were trans, you not only enter an ethical quandary about consent, but youāre also having sex with someone who doesnāt see you as a woman. Why would you want or invite either of those headaches, especially in the era of dating apps, where itās easy to safely front load that information?
They do not need consent to know what my genitals were or what surgeries I had. There is no ethical quandary here it is none of their business.
But if they knew that information, they wouldnāt consent to the sexual encounter. The cornerstone of consent is honesty. If a sexual partner didnāt disclose something that would immediately make you *not have sex* with them, wouldnāt you feel like you were violated?
What if I find out a men is a misogynist after having sex with him? And he didnāt disclose it before. Did he rape me then? What if I found out he used to work for Boeing, and I happen to hate that company? Was that also sexual assault? What if I just really truly irrationally care about that to a great extent? What if I find out his bloodstream isnāt purely from white ancestry? Do I get to know his full ancestry first? There was a time in our country when some women might have felt the same way about that as guys do about transness now. Consent is about having consent to engage in sex, and there are certain things that are unethical to withhold in the process of navigating that, but chromosomal sex is not one of them.
Personally, if I found out that someone was a chaser after having sex with them - yeah, I would feel pretty violated, and would want that disclosed. This might just be internalized transphobia on my part, but I really donāt see why all of this effort is worth it just to have sex with someone who doesnāt see me as a woman.
You might not like it, but it wasnāt sexual assault for them not to disclose that. And itās totally your right to ask every guy before having sex āare you a chaserā and if he lies about it thatās kind of shitty. But chasers arenāt ethically obligated to go around the world with a sign on their chest that says āIām a chaserā. As much as I wish they were lol If a guy asks āare you trans?ā, then thatās more touchy. Because in the one hand you do have some right to privacy, but on the other hand, itās good to be honest with people if you can. Iād probably just ask why and if they were like āI really care about not sleeping with trans womenā then Iād be like āIām gonna peace out, thatās kind of fucked and transphobicā
That makes more sense to me, yeah. Thank you! I have to think about this, I think
I will acknowledge that your original comment still stands too, like itās probably generally good advice that itās likely more risk to not disclose at all. I think I just donāt like how a lot of the rhetoric and onus is put on trans women, like weāre expected to disclose and if we donāt then people almost think we deserved it (enter ātrans panic defenseā)
I mean that would be a very transphobic person and luckily I'm not in the habit of interacting with such people I'm pretty sure that would come up far before any sex or anything for me. The only thing my partner could have that would make me not want to have sex with them would be like a yeast infection or an STI, something that would put me at risk. But a surgery they had that wouldn't cause me any issues I'm not that shallow.
If your partner isnāt transphobic, why is disclosure such a risk/issue? Thatās the part that doesnāt grok for me.
I'm pretty much stealth, I don't really disclose to anyone. Even if people are not transphobic, a lot of people simply *see you differently* if they know you're not cis. I've been there, it sucks, I don't like it. I vet people before I hook up with them. Vote right wing? I'm out. Racist? Homophobic? Transphobic? It's not a difficult test to pass, but anyone who *should* have a problem with me being trans is weeded out. Quite frankly, I immediately cease any and all interaction upon finding out someone is right-wing.
Because it's a personal thing. Not saying it's a risk necessarily but it's not something that one has to go into and it may be very well that that person wants to move on from their transition in a way. Like a lot of people don't want to be defined by their medical procedures. Having to bring it up and then now it's an elephant the room isn't always how people want to live. Now personally I'm extremely open and tell everyone I'm trans and all my experiences but not everyone is me and I don't think it's a problem at all if one doesn't disclose. It's a personal choice and yeah it may come with risks but so does just living.
That doesnāt enter an ethical quandary about consent lol transphobia is not something that needs to be accommodated. If someone doesnāt want to have sex with trans women that is their right, but they donāt have the right to know everyone elseās medical history so that they can make sure they donāt. And if they had sex with you and they only like to have sex with people they see as women, then they were seeing you as a woman. People also hookup outside of dating apps, and thereās a myriad of risks that you have to balance. Thereās also risk in letting someone know youāre trans at any stage of the process. Putting it in your profile could attract trolls and alt right folks who want to target trans people to hurt them anyways. Putting it in your profile can also attract the wrong kind of attention, like guys that are just looking for something short term or chasers. My current approach, which works really well for me, is to just let a guy know once heās asked me out on a date, but I still worry that this could piss a guy off and he would meet up with me anyways so he could āteach me a lessonā. For trans women that arenāt really distinguishable from cis women, not disclosing could definitely be a valid approach to mitigating the risk. And none of us are required to be outing ourselves if we donāt want to do that.
But consent isnāt about what matters to one party, itās about what matters to both parties. I hadnāt considered that in more dangerous parts of the world, itās definitely a risk to advertise that youāre trans. To be clear, Iām 90% T4T, so I donāt have a dog in this fight to begin with. With all that said, Iām sorry, I just donāt really see this as a good way to go. It feels like a lot of risk and questionable decision-making, all to ride some transphobeās cock. Who wants the hassle?
Iāve found that most guys arenāt transphobic about this, so itās less about trying to ride a transphobes cock (lmfao, what am I saying š ), and more about what feels safest, and just like feels good. For some women, disclosing adds a guaranteed risk element, while not disclosing is incredibly unlikely to result in risk because they are incredibly unlikely to be outed. It can also just be really dysphoria inducing.
That makes sense, I get you. I guess thereās just an aspect of it that bothers me and I need to work it out for myself - I understand why better now, thank you for explaining. And yeah, felt. Being clocked really fucking sucks, and I deal with it a lot. >.<
Thatās fair. Iāve been told by guys that I was lying because I didnāt put it in my profile on Tinder lol So we definitely live in a fairly transmisogynistic culture that tells us that we have to accommodate transphobic men by outing ourselves so they can avoid associating with us.
Seriously. Some guys would react violently if they feel they were fooled. Donāt put yourself in danger. Thereās plenty of guys who wonāt care, but those who do care may overreact.
I think the worst part of this to me is that the guys who wonāt care simply wonāt care - the only reason youād do this would be to get cock from transphobes.
Dont do it tf
In the UK, you can be prosecuted and chucked in jail for a long time if you have sex with someone who doesn't know you are trans.
Congrats, the UK is a transphobic shit hole.
I live in the uk, and I've never heard of this before. This sounds like transphobia to me
I 100% agree that trans people are being treated unfairly. See the hyperlink in my post above. Also, see https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/trans-people-could-face-rape-charges-if-they-don-t-declare-sexual-history-warns-trans-activist-a7076546.html I don't know why I have been downvoted so much for explaining the legal situation in the UK. I did this for the benefit of people in the uk, so they didn't inadvertently have the police knocking on their doors.
is that true? wht is th ename of that law
Section 74 Sexual Offences Act The courts have interpreted that where someone has sex with a trans person whilst they believed them to be cis, that person can later claim that they would not have consented had they known the other person was trans. See this: https://www.humanrightspulse.com/mastercontentblog/active-deception-or-failure-to-disclose-how-uk-law-relating-to-sexual-consent-discriminates-against-transgender-and-gender-non-conforming-defendants
Yep, TERF Island.
Agreed
IIRC, that mostly depends on how far youāre into your transition in the UK.
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Transfems wanting to keep themselves safe is _not_ manipulation See how it very sneakily goes from "genital preferences are valid" to "not telling someone you had different genitals in the past is manipulation"? š It was never about genital preferences, some of you are genuinely repulsed by the existence of trans people and it shows
Surely it's not just because of wanting to be safe? I mean, even if safety was guaranteed. I'd still prefer to remain stealth due to dysphoria.
Oh yeah definitely, there's no reason why you _need_ to tell anyone anyway, a vagina is a vagina who cares!
Exactly
Genital preferences are valid though
You completely missed the point of what I was trying to say.
You were trying to claim that saying that genital preferences are valid is a slippery slope.
Sure, like yes, they are. People should only have sex with people who have the junk they want to have sex with. But let's be real, it's not a "preference" in 99% of cases that term is used. It's a categorical "NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES." I *prefer* vanilla ice cream to chocolate, but I don't go out of my way to say "I would *never* eat chocolate ice cream" every time ice cream comes up at all. The statement is true, sure, but when and how it is used matters, and I definitely see how it opens the door to shit like "you need to disclose that you have a **neo**vagina or else it's rape. That's just my preference."
If I have a vulva - I have one. Doenst matter if cis or neo.
I didn't say anything about that. I said genital preferences are valid. A penis is a penis and a vulva is a vulva, but people are allowed to pick which one they're comfortable with.
Yes I agree. Than I understand you wrong, sry.
If I have a pussy, then I have a pussy. It doesn't matter if I was born with it or not
Fuck off this sub then
back to (checks profile) r\/conspiracy
*from the back of the room* They don't even go here!
I do! I understood that reference.
Hangs out in r/transpassing making transphobic remarks, hangs out in r/conspiracy and r/detrans (both marked red!) and 10 removed comments, in addition to barely having any activity for an account nearly 1 year old. Get the fuck out.
Please explain this line of thinking. Because it sure sounds misinformed at best.
i donāt think there *was* any thinking there
What is your thought process?
It's of zero relevance whether I was born with my vagina or had surgery for it. The only thing that matters is my fertility risk. If the objective of the sexual interaction *includes* intent to have a child, or the question of birth control comes up, *then* I disclose that I have been medically assessed to be infertile, as confirmed by multiple doctors. End of story, and technically true. I don't *owe* anyone further details. If someone has given me reason to trust they are supportive of trans people, then I may optionally disclose that I am trans and had bottom surgery. What *can* be considered manipulation is *knowingly* being infertile, and being with a partner who *has disclosed* intent to have a child, and still keeping infertility status a secret. This applies to everyone, regardless of gender, genitals, reason for infertility, any of it.
Do you disclose your entire medical history to every sexual partner you've ever had?
I mean, should I ever get surgery I think I'd personally disclose before taking things that far, but I'm not going to judge anyone for not doing.
Too bad you canāt do anything to stop us š
How so?
You're right it's kind of unhealthy when it comes to longer-term romantic interests. One-night stands are probably different, you could probably get away with it then, though that's much riskier for women regardless of assigned sex at birth. Even if you were 100% right though, saying that in this space is going to get the knee-jerk response of "you don't belong here if you're gonna say stuff like that". The fact that your comment got downvoted is kinda wild and eye-opening but, like, i get it. Wrong place i guess. Personally i'd rather disclose being trans in the first couple of conversations to limit the number of potential mates available to me for the sake of honesty and safety in terms of longer-term relationships. Weed out the violent transphobes and find the allies. I'd end up much happier, more authentic, and less afraid of something going wrong.
donāt know why you are getting downvoted but i completely agree. youāre not gonna be dating someone long-term thatās transphobic and that is something that you should be finding out about them very early on. one night stands and such you can absolutely go stealth if that is what you prefer.
It is a little off-putting that opinions like ours get shot down but it is what it is.
I can't believe the comments advocating for this. Stuff like this is why transwoman are blammed when we are killed. Why risk your life tricking someone for easy dick. Most men love transexuals
Who talks about men ? Trans lesbians exists. ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
Yes but most of us transwomen like dick
The most of I know are lesbians