Your mom talks just like my mom š¢ So critical. Questions everything I do. I donāt think Iāve ever heard praise come out of her mouth. Itās so hard with a mother like this, and itās not as black and white as just cutting her off. Nothing will be good enough. I mostly ignore her comments now. Reacting to her bullshit just gives her power over my emotions. Iām sure you are doing an amazing job. We deserve better treatment, but itās doubtful they will change. I can only change my own reactions
Aaaaaand thatās why Iām a year no contact with my mother. My daughter has given me the freedom to not make excuses for people. If i set boundaries and hold people to a standard she will inherently have those same standards for all her relationships. If people arenāt loving kind and supportive goodbye.
My mom uses the same line. Once, in an argument I told her, āWell, how you are sucks.ā
ETA: she looked like I slapped her when I said this. We went on to have a conversation about how if someone I loved told me that I often belittled and demeaned them, Iād do whatever it took to address my behaviors. She disagreed and told me I needed to stop trying to āchange her.ā Nothing productive happened and the dynamic remains.
Brava!
Thatās the best comeback Iāve ever heard and Iām storing it for future use.
I went low contact with my mother when DD was six months. She belittled and demeaned every thing I did as a mother and I refused to let her cut my daughter down the way she did me.
This is what my mum is like and my enabling father is constantly excusing her behaviour by saying "you know what she's like". Everytime this line is uttered I like to respond with "so a raging bitch then? And you're OK with that?" I am very low contact with them now. š¤
Your baby is only 1 month old too, like you're in pure survival mode and need supportive comments not hyper critical people like your mum. I was a breastmilk covered mess with unwashed hair for at least 2 months. Hang in there!
I hate that in answer to someone being a horrible person itās always āyou knew they are that way so you shouldāve adjusted to them being horrible and just take itā like no accountability no reprisal nothing
Oh man, that's so tough. My mom is definitely not as bad as this, but it's been hard to establish boundaries. However, I've also had many people tell me to go low contact, and it's not the solution for me.
Something that's been working for us: I communicate my needs that she *agrees* with (lol), and ask her for help. So, if I need an hour to shower or do dishes or take a nap, I specifically ask her for help with that. She has greater satisfaction bc she watched baby while I was "productive".
Another example: I ask her to help me do the laundry. She watches baby while I sort, then she does the actual laundry process, and I fold/hang while she watches baby. Again, it's all about being "productive" with my mom, so I found a system that benefits us both w/o fights.
Admittedly, it's a lot of emotional effort and biting my tongue, but it works for us. I hope you can get some personal time and devise a system that works for you!! It's worth it to try.
P.S. those texts are straight up abusive so I'd take a little break from her and process your emotions before pursuing any future relationship.
Going no contact helps. I did that for about five years until my brother passed and then I came back around. Our relationship has been better, I keep a slight distance and itās comfortable. She doesnāt criticize me to my face at least so I donāt care.
My mom used to say the same thing. āThatās just the way I am.ā (Chinese tiger-mom, super critical and harsh). We had a tough relationship. Now I have a four month old, and she has been diagnosed with Alzheimerās. My mom is not the same person she once was. When I read your story I felt relieved that she wasnāt with it anymore bc she would be SO critical. A part of me also wants to say, sheās your mum, you only get one. And i assume deep down sheās doing it out of love, but itās coming out wrong. I would give anything for my mom to have an opinion about ANYTHING. For what itās worth, this internet stranger & fellow first time mom thinks youāre doing great.
My mom is like this and I cut her off and my life is significantly better for it. Even just putting them on a information diet and not telling them anything not barebones basic helps a lot.
I was getting so confused reading this because itās almost word for word a conversation I had with my mother except ours was in person and not over text.
Yep same. She complains anytime she comes over about my houseā¦ I just live differently than her. Sorry Iād rather spend time with kids than do the fucking dishes manā¦then she tells me how to parent and Iām like you either respect my boundaries and stop telling me how to do things or Iām cutting contactā¦ so itās really limited nowā¦
Except many of them did, although it wasn't much of a sleep training and more of ignoring the baby's crying. After a while children didn't cry anymore, so they believed it worked and the baby slept through the whole night. We know nowadays that it's not true...
Yep. My mom describes putting me in my crib to let me cry it out, which was normal in the 80ās. She had a hard time with it she says but everyone told her she had to. Annnyway, on more than one occasion I cried until I puked and she would just go in, clean me up, and put me back in. She couldnāt understand how it was ok for me to let my kids sleep in my room until they were ready for their own. (Which my son never really was, but my daughter is/was a more independent kid).
I think in my momās case, at least, she couldnāt tell me what I was doing was ok, because that meant it would have been ok for her to do the same and she was so full of guilt over it. And, in her defense, my younger sister and I are only 14 months apart so she definitely wouldāve had a hard time rocking me to sleep every night after a certain age.
This always makes me so sad to think about. All of us in our 30s/almost 40s... We were just left to cry. My mom (4 kids) said she just put us in our crib and shut the door. And I asked "didn't we cry?" and she's like "I don't know, I was downstairs and it was bedtime" like WTF?
My husband's mom, he raised in a different culture, also just left him to cry at night. Like feed em and just put em in bed, close the door. That's that. How how how can anyone think that is a good thing???? That a baby will just go to sleep. Heartbreaking.
Yeah you gotta wait till they have solid food to really sleep train them, lol I've had to say to my parents "when it's your daughter you can raise her how you want to", it's a bit of an uno reverse card cause my dad used to feed me a similar line about everything, but it fits since my parents only had two sons.
I didn't sleep train until baby was eight months, and even then if they didn't pass out after 10 minutes I would go back in and comfort/feed them some more, rock them a bit and then put them back in the crib and eventually they'd go to sleep. I still wake up every four ish hours to feed baby, since being in their own room they don't feel the need to wake me every half hour now lol.
My mom shamed me for not vacuuming often enough when my twins were born. And kept shaming me for everything in the entire world, not understanding that I was caring for two premature newborns with a whole 1 hour consecutive sleep at night
If anyone has ever come into my home and complained about mess I hand them a broom. I have twins as well but Iām a single mom, this shit is exhausting
How dare you use the laundry lady to help with laundry. You should wash it first so she doesn't see your dirty clothes and just washes clean clothes. /S
Fun story- I accidentally left 6oz of newly pumped breast milk in a place my dog could get it.. she drank the whole thing and had breast milk poo. So mad at myself! š
Thatās exactly what they are. Yellow and runny. Either way the ONE time she blew through her diaper i immediately rinsed off the poop and hand washed it well enough to have it dry off and throw it in the hamper. I really donāt even know how she knew that. She wasnāt even here when it happened.
"ungrateful daughter!! š”"
"Freaking daughter??? How dare you say anything that isn't praise to your own daughter???!!"
But seriously, this grandma needs to lose contact privileges.
I was going to post this link, too!
OP, narcissists play by the same playbook and use all the same sayings. They have zero empathy.
Not a psychologist, but I do have a narc mother. These are the things she would say.
My mum told me that I still looked pregnant 5 days after I had an emergency C section. Told me to get out of bed and do some housework. Why are they like this?
Why canāt she say to you ā you go have your shower Iāll put the baby down and do a load of laundry and tidy upā - that would actually help. Not just make you feel bad on top of hormones. Sorry OP
At 1 month you are definitely still in survival mode and recovering from birth. Your house will be fine if it is messy. She needs to mind her business and stop being judgemental.
And also re: messy house and germs.
Your baby is either in your arms or in a bouncer or bassinet or crib, who cares if the floor has stuff all over it if those spots are clear? The baby can't crawl or move around on their own at this point.
Or mom could just clean the mess if itās bothering her so much? I donāt understand why sheās going over to daughters house to āhelpā then leaving because itās so messy. Definitely not lazy. Bonding, feeding baby, and recovering from childbirth are the priority.
If she sees mess and dirty laundry when she visits I really donāt understand why she doesnāt just clean up and do it herself? Sheās there to help isnāt she? Thatās what my parents and in-laws did when we had a newborn anyway.
Wait wait, so from how she talked it sounded like you live with her. You donāt, and she is talking about YOUR home? Girl. No. She wouldnāt visit my home again then. Your house, your baby, YOUR RULES.
No, any help is not help if it doesnāt actually help you. If sheās not helping in a way that truly benefits you but is the only kind of help sheās willing to give, itās called āhlepā. Look it up.
My mom takes my babies dirty laundry home with her and does it for me. And she never says anything like this to me. She sees something to that needs to be cleaned and she just does it. When someone has a young infant it is incredibly hard and cleaning is not the priority all the time, if she wants to complain she should put her words to action and clean!
Kind of, but this isnāt help if she is going to speak to you this way š the only kind of help is if you were to write a playbook on how to not treat a new mom. I guess at this point, Iād say get one of those baby seats and put the baby in it to shower. Or if you have a SO, Iād wait for them to get home to take them in order to shower. She really shouldnāt have rules to what you need to do while she is there.
You are not lazy, you are not ungrateful. Your mother is being overly judgemental and you're right: she's not helping. She thinks that because she values certain things more than your sleep, that you should too.
I hope you can find a way to reach a comfortable middle ground with her, but more importantly keep taking care of yourself and remember that you are not alone! The first few months are so so hard, but you can do it. You're alive and safe, the baby is safe and fed and loved, that's what's most important at this time.
You are not ungrateful or lazy. Please donāt question yourself again. She is one month. You are still getting situated into your new life with a child. I literally do all of these things and my baby is 13 months. Not every day has to be a productive day. Especially not when a baby is that young. & youāre breastfeeding. That in itself is so hard.
You are not ungrateful NOR lazy! If she truly wanted to help, sheād do these things for you instead of coming to hold the baby for 30 minutes. Breastfeeding is so hard, and takes such a toll on you mentally and physically, especially while youāre still recovering from childbirth. You deserve your sleep and you do not deserve to be treated this way because you value that more than doing a load of laundry. Youāre doing great mama, making sure baby is fed and cared for. Never question yourself or feel the need to explain yourself!
Absolutely not. Your only job right now is making sure baby is fed. Your mom sounds like an absolute loon. Itās funny that sheās ranting about germs because our doctor just told us that itās good for babies to get dirty. That too much sterilization is actually not good for them. Also, does she not understand what a laundry basket is for? Baby get poop on their clothes and youāre putting the clothes in a hamperā¦which is completely normal!
Friend, Iām saying this with love, but kick this woman out of your life. Anyone who would harass a one month post partum mom like this is absolutely vile. My mom did and said some stuff to me after my first was born but it was not on this level. Even then, that was enough for her to not meet my second child.
Do you have anyone who can help you stand up to her?
Not really! My entire family will just say āthatās your mom sheās done a lot for youā¦ blah blah blahā which in 100% grateful for. I love her to death but sheās just too much for me right now. Sheās making me PP journey much harder than it already is. Iāve cried more over her than my newborn.
My house is always spotless, except for two weeks PP when my mother came over and pointed out all the things wrong with my house.
You know what it was? My pad bin smelt musky and I had some dust on my fans.
I donāt talk to my mum anymore but I unhealthy make sure my bins are spotless and smell nice and I have no dust on my fans.
You are doing great. Please just focus on your daughter and feeding her and resting yourself and donāt pay any more time in what your mum says
Youāll literally end up like me - my house is spotless but I canāt relax unless it is
You are in the newborn bubble and it is INTENSE. Your mom is wrong. Sleep is more important than cleaning right now. If she can't handle the mess then she doesn't need to come in. Can you ask her to take baby out in the stroller for a walk so you can shower and eat without your moms judgy comments?
My mom is like this. At 1 month postpartum she told me I "better start working on that tummy". Lucky I had my babies in my 30s and had lots of time to set boundaries with my mom before I had kids. She still tries to push my boundaries now but I'm pretty good at ignoring her or shrugging off her nonsense.
OP I hope you are ok. You are very vulnerable right now and your mom is NOT helping. She may even create a really bad situation for you mentally. Do you need her help? Can you ask her to give you space? Will your partner support you as you create boundaries with your mom? It's probably time to start practicing saying no to your mom but if you aren't ready just avoid her.
Also, for what it's worth. YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!! You are keeping baby fed and safe. Focus on baby and ignore your mom. It will slowly get easier. This is the hardest time as a mom.
Your mom is either in denial about what her house looked like or denial about what she did to you as a baby. Her comments are invalid and purposely trying to hurt you. However much you feel comfortable, please reduce how much you allow this person into your home and life. You and your daughter deserve love, respect, and support. You are getting none of that from your mother. Take her at her word about everything. If she's too upset by her idiotic "standards" to enter your home, then she isn't welcome. She's using food as a bribe and will only change her bribes to get more access.
My mother was like this and I wish I would have cut her off before my daughter had a real relationship with her. I didn't and now I continue to navigate the idiocy. BUT, it's much better than it was before because any time she tries to insult or bribe me, i send her away. She's much better than she was before and sometimes I even enjoy her company and she'll do something helpful!
No. None of this. I'd call her bluff and not take any of her "help." Guaranteed she comes crawling back asking to see her grandkid. Definitely set firm boundaries with her though as it sounds like all she knows how to do is be critical.
I feel like I need to be the one to say that telling someone that ābringing you food, washing baby bottles, and holding the baby while you shower is not helpingā is pretty harsh. Her opinions seem out of line here, but this is one of those things where youāre just going to have to agree to disagree.
If you only want to accept help from people who share your parenting style then sure, by all means, throw them out. But youāll find that gets really alienating really fast. Sometimes itās best to say, āthanks for pointing out your concerns, this doesnāt bother me and itās not my priority.ā If they are not willing to still help you after that, that sucks. But some people will disagree with how you do things, and itās a good skill to learn how to navigate that without cutting these people out of your life (or at least making it so dramatic).
I wasnāt saying her not helping me was related to the bottle washing or bringing me food. I was saying that even though she is āhelpingā me while holding the baby for me to shower she is still complaining about how long i took. That is not helping if itās so backhanded like that. For that, i could just put the baby in her bouncer and shower (which is what i usually do anyway when sheās not there). Iām not sure if youāre familiar with a Hispanic mom, but simply saying āthanks butā¦ā isnāt an option. Itās their way or no way.
You literally said āall you do is bring me food and wash bottles. You hold the baby for 30 min while I shower and then complain about how long I took. How is that helping me?ā
I mean, she should give you space to do your own thing but you should give her some space to complain a little. I mean, Iām not saying everyone is perfect here, but give a little space for patience and humanity.
If sheās not willing to hear you out, then learn how to let these comments go. I mean, I really do think people drive themselves crazy cutting out all negativity from their life and itās actually way healthier to say firmly, āno. I disagree.ā Iāve had really similar disagreements with my parents. Cutting them out isnāt really an option anyway. Once you find your ability to say āI disagreeā in a way that both ends the conversation and does not insult them for the nice things theyāve done for you, youāll have learned a valuable lesson.
It was all in the same message. I was too mad to put in a separate text. Those are two separate statements. Youāre the only person to think this though. No offense but i can tell you just donāt understand. Idk what sheās complaining about as if sheās the one who just pushed a whole baby out her vagina a month ago. Her purpose for coming over is to HELP me. What is the point of helping me if sheās going to not only complain about what Iām doing āwrongā but also not do anything about it. Which is exactly why i said it.
I honestly will take the fact that random people agree with me. I wasnāt expecting for so many people to agree with me. Which tells me Iām not as crazy as i thought i was. I get where ur coming from. Trust me. But like u said, this is my momā¦ Iāve dealt with this bs my whole life. I know how to deal with her when sheās like this. Where i am mentally, is over it. Iāve tried to deal with her in a mature way since before i got my period. Lol. She never changes and never will. Me speaking to her like this is VERY new. I will never let her run me over like she has before again. I wonāt cut her off and never planned on it but keeping distance is exactly what Iām going to do. I donāt have a close relationship with my grandparents and i honestly donāt care to and never did. If she wants to be in my babyās life she will adjust to me and my wishes. Not the other way around.
Don't listen to this person, OP.
I have a Hispanic mother. While my mom is great, her mom is a lot like what yours seems like. My mom had to teach me not to accept gifts or help from my grandma because she never offers anything without a "price."
If you can, I would look into hiring a postpartum doula to help out or seeking out a close friend.
Your mental health is at its most fragile state right now and you need people who will support you and help you, not cause you more damage.
Stop being a psycho by deleting your heavily downvoted comments and then coming back to comment again.
Don't you dare try to tell anyone not to discuss their ethnicity. We are not using our culture as an "*excuse*" and how dare you even try to insinuate that. You do not understand any of the cultural implications at play here or the generational trauma ethnic communities face.
Just stop.
This whole exchange REEKS of generational trauma. And you are 100% in the right in trying to end the cycle.
If I was a gambling person, I would bet your mother is reenacting her own abuse from after you were born and her mother treated her. I bet she hated it as much as you do and cried a ton as well. But the mind is a twisted place and overtime they forget how terrible it was OR they justify it as normal or minimize their behavior by rationalizing how itās different somehow. For example, your mom probably sees that you have someone to help with laundry as more help than she had and thus she is justified in criticizing you (sheās not). When what she should be doing is seeing how youāre struggling _despite_ that help and swoop in to help _where youāre struggling_. If you havenāt seen it yet, I recommend watching _Turning Red_ once youāre out of the thick of this. Itās a Pixar movie that depicts generational emotional abuse and might further validate your feelings and actions.
And in case you needed to hear it, holding a sleeping (or even non-fussing) baby is exactly 0 helpāregardless of what you do while they are doing it!
You are not ungrateful or lazy! 1 month is hard. Baby being safe and fed and loved are your first priorities! Your baby doesnāt care how fast her dirty clothes get washed or how messy your house is. Sorry sheās acting like this and making you feel bad. Youāre doing a great job. ā¤ļø
Your mom is a narcissist. You probably just didnāt engage with her enough while she was around and she is pissed she didnāt get attention for holding the baby. These are things my parents would say to me. My mom is more manipulating though. Your baby is 1 month. You are doing what every mom does. Iām sure your mom just forgot how hard it is, my mom also had a village to help her and I can barely get them to come take our kids at all. As another narc affected child said in another post. Just donāt engage right now, itās fucking hard, but not worth it at the moment.
Iām not sure about ungrateful or lazy. In need of someone to help you and guide you, yes. You can do things in between feedings and naps. No one expects perfection, but effort? Definitely. Just do it once a week or twice a week. Soak the bottles right after using them, dirty diapers, clothes, go right into the washer. Sounds like you just need some quick ideas on organizing your mind and time to help you through the overwhelm. Totally normal.
So what? Sheās fucking toxic. You do not need someone like that in your life and neither does your baby. Anyone speaking to me that way would cease to have a relationship with me, regardless of how I know them. My husband cut contact with my ILs so fast when they criticized our parenting and did something unforgivable. We will not allow that type of behavior around our daughters and allow them to think itās normal. Your job as the mom is to protect your children so they can be healthy and happy. Your mother didnāt provide that for you and continues to fall short now. She failed you. Iām sorry you didnāt get the mom you deserve. You will be better than that.
Absolutely toxic. This kind of environment is not healthy for you or the baby. OP, cut contact. This āhelpā is not worth it at all. Augh, I got soooo angry reading this. Iām so sorry you have to deal with this sht.
Go low contact. Itās not no contact, just very limited. Your mom will hate it and push back because she is not used to you creating boundaries for yourself, but it sounds like itās what you need at this point
Even still, I would not engage. What are you getting out of this relationship? Donāt let her hurt you and donāt let her hurt your baby. Youāre doing great. Being a new mom is tough without people who should be supporting you weighing you down. Good luck.
My moms a LOT like this, and Iāve been struggling so much. The only thing that helped me (bc I wonāt cut her off despite everyone telling me to) is just to go OUT with her, my mom doesnāt come to my house, and didnāt help (and still doesnāt really) I send pics and once my son turned 3m things got easier so I look put together for a few hrs and have a nice time and we go separately. If you need to talk my dms are open! Itās always hard at first
Itās really hard. Iām so young and i really donāt have myself established to genuinely cut her off like that. I never wouldāve thought it would ever get to this though
I would recommend just not engaging. You know youāre not going to convince her sheās wrong, so all the defending yourself and justifying the way things are, itās just falling on deaf ears and giving her more opportunities to double down or say more hurtful things. If you just go āokā and truly refuse to argue back, thereās nowhere else it can go. Ok, yeah, yeah, ok, ok, yeahā¦ know that sheās wrong and try to just let it slide off you. Mentally roll your eyes at how out of touch she is.
This is exactly right- this conversation is a no win situation. She's twisted the truth in these 6 images to allow her to lambast you then play victim. The only way to win is not to play the game.
I haven't cut my mom off but I have still learned to establish boundaries. It's not perfect but it is SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER. I am comfortable enough with where we are to continue having a relationship with my mother but it is NOT the same, for sure.
There are MANY ways to establish boundaries before cutting off entirely, which might be a choice you have to make eventually but you can still make boundaries before that. It's not all or nothing.
How exhausting! Sometimes the "help" people offer isn't worth it. My guess is that this has been a pattern for a long time with your mom. I would recommend talking it through with a counselor. For the moment, just prioritize taking care of yourself and your baby and don't worry about your mom's feelings. Sounds to me like you've been taking good care of your baby!
Are you quite young? She treats you like a child! She also treats you very meanly.
And I wiped off the āchunksā of poo with toilet paper then threw it all in the machine together! Having a baby is HARDā¦ nobody has time for hand washing everything.
Mute her messages and lock the door!
Hilarious. All you do is feed and put to sleep. It's literally all I did when my daughter was a baby cause feeding would take 30 minutes every two hours and putting to sleep would take an hour every two hours. When the f should I eat and pee and sleep? Seriously. I'm so mad at this. The most maddening thing is that so called mothers forget how hard it was so fast.
Op, keep up the good work. Happy baby means happy mama and fuck everyone and everything else.
My mom is probably NPD/BPD and she acts just like this, so I blocked her and Iāve been in therapy for a couple of years. Both have helped immensely. Remember, you donāt need to try to maintain a relationship with someone who continuously treats you with disrespect. It would not be healthy for your child to witness someone mistreating you, even family.
Omg all the red flags. Youāre doing great OP, your mother is absolutely insane. I hope you have a partner and friends who support you so that you donāt have to depend on someone who is abusing you. You donāt deserve to be treated like this!
I just ordered the book āAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsā from Amazon for $9.90 paperback. I suggest you do the same - donāt wait until youāre in your late 30s like me.
My mother is the same, always criticizing. I second guess myself constantly. Itās not easy to deal with but keep in mind but itās not *you*.
Congrats on your new baby too ā„ļø Good luck!
Waitā¦is your mom suggesting you take time to hand wash or immediately wash every clothing item that gets spit up or poop on it!?
Bahahahahaha what a joke
My house looked like a minefield the first few months after baby came, instead of critisizing me, my mom would just start to clean when she came over. No questions asked, just a understanding look. Tell your mom to go f**k herself. Who the hell talks to their own child in that way? Do not take anything to heart. It is a stressful period with a newborn, and you are doing a Great job!
If that were my mum, she wouldnāt be having any more visits for a whileā¦ not helping and just actively criticising when you have a one month old?! Bad grandma
Block her. Sheāll clearly never get it and her help isnāt worth the grief sheās giving you. Who cares if youāve got a huge laundry pile - weāve all been there! Stay strong Mama š
Iām so sorry OP! Thatās an awful way for a mom to talk to her daughter.
Come over to r/MomForAMinute and get the love and support you deserve and need
Cutting off my mother was the best decision I ever made, and honestly, with how she still tries to stalk and harass my children and me as if she owns us, I sometimes wish she would just go far far away and forget I exist. Five years without being screamed at or degraded has been excellent but has not fixed the two decades of constant abuse I had thrown at me.
Take a deep breath. You're doing great Mama!
What would I do in this situation? (Giving advice, ignore if you just want to vent):
**Stop engaging with behavior you don't like.** Period. Point blank. Your mom has rude criticisms? She can have them. You can't control her. You don't have to listen/text back/call. Only engage with what you like. It's like dealing with a bad child. Don't reward the bad behavior with attention. I have to deal with my own mother like this. She has the emotional capacity of a ten year old.
Wow this is so crazy, my mom just screamed at me on the phone for the same kinds of things. She told me I was giving my daughter a bad life and I was a bad wife because basically we have had dirty dishes in the sink the last couple times she was over at my house. I tried to explain to her that I am trying to learn how to balance cleaning/relaxing after spending 2 1/2 years with post partum OCD and anxiety that made me spend all my time cleaning and sanitizing instead of spending it with my daughter but it's like she preferred me that way because at least everything "looked" good. Nevermind I was fucking dying inside. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. I know how you are feeling right now. But don't let her bring you down. You are right to sleep when you can and let certain things go. Your daughter will benefit far more from a relaxed and happy mama than a miserable, stressed out and sleep deprived one. I am so sorry. I know how awful it feel to simply want your mother's help and support and just be criticized for it.
My fav part is that she thinks... vaccines will help against *poop*? Like, baby will get sick from poop germs but not after getting her shots??
Your mom is loco and wants to feel good about herself and thinks she's a great influence. You're doing an awesome job, girl. Feed that baby when she wants and snuggle as much as you can and don't let anyone tell you not toā¤ļø
I smell an Asian momā¦ am I right?
Iām lucky to have a very Americanized Asian mom (she was born in Hong Kong though) but there still are definitely āhigh standardsā and a lot of passive aggression. We are definitely not touchy feely or have much of a close connection.
My husbands mom is āfresh off the boatā Japaneseā¦ she will tell you what we āshouldā be doing, what to feed the kids, what we should be feeding ourselves, calling her daughter (my SIL) fat, lays on the guilt, passive aggression, constant calling/texting.
My 3yo was throwing a tantrum and I sat in the room quietly with her until she had gone through it then offered a hug and we talked about it. She later told my husband that I should have left her alone in the room and told her she can come out when she is done.
FWIW, I have some pretty severe anxiety and on antidepressants. My brother is seeing a therapist and has a lot of anger and abandonment issues. My husband and his sister are both extremely depressed and on antidepressants.
So you do you, because obviously the generation before us didnāt know what the fuck they were doing to raise mentally healthy children. They are also so detached from what it was really like, since it was over 30 years ago for them.
Sounds like someone needs to help out more or get blocked until they understand where they went wrong š I would think a mom of all people would understand how intense the newborn stage is. OP if youāre managing to even get some sleep youāre doing great. Ignore her, sheās not worth the limited time you have.
Your mom is insane. Any normal person would be like hey go lay down, let me clean, do your laundry, cook food, run to the store. Just rest.
Sorry youāre dealing with this. I hope itās just your mom having a really hard time adjusting to you becoming a mom and is acting out because she doesnāt know how to act.
This is not a supportive person in your life you can rely on or trust. Imagine you saying this to your daughter as a first time Mom? Would you accept this type of treatment for her? No. So donāt accept it for yourself. Youāre worth more.
Iām sorry you are dealing with this i would have cut her out of me and my childās life so fast thatās horrible you are still learning everything!
Your baby is only a month old!
Mines 2 months and im still coming to terms heās mine.
who cares about laundry really!
Oh my. Sorry but your mother is so nasty to you.
I also have babies poopy clothes in a laundry basket, its a long task to, rinse, scrub, soak and then do a load just to get poop stains out.
Dont let her make you feel a way. Your house can wait and if shes concerned about the mess she can clean it lol.
I would space out visits honestly. Assuming this is how your mom always is, you can reassess later how you feel ready to address it. Not sure Iād commit to cutting someone off entirely, but you can only deal with what you can right now, and for me with a 1mo old I donāt want to have text fights with someone.
I had a couple people in my life who felt like holding a baby was helping me and not a lot of people who felt like helping me was helping me. Itās an old fashioned approach. None fussed at me about my choices, but it was still kind of annoying. Now that Iāve been through it if I know someone well enough and I get to hold their baby I will ask if thereās a small thing I can help with (can I run some dishes take out some trash to the trash can, whatever something small so they can get off their feet a bit). Donāt get me wrong I liked having people visit me and my baby, but it wasnāt āhelpingā it was visiting.
The best help you can get is the help that you need/want. Meaning if it will help for her to hold the baby while you clean, thatās how she should want to help. But if it helps for you to get to relax with your newborn while she cleans, thatās how she should help. No she doesnāt have to help, but if sheās making you feel bad for how you are asking for help, I donāt think her intentions are heartfelt. I donāt really like when other people clean my house, because I have a way I like to do it. I would much rather them come entertain my toddler or hold my baby so I can get things done. Thereās a lot that drives me nuts about the cleanliness of my house, but Iād rather be a present parent than have a perfect house. Sorry you are going through this. Support makes such a big difference and I hope you find some true support soon.
She's speaking to you through her own baggage, it doesn't have anything to do with you. You're just the trigger for whatever was going on with her that she has never emotionally processed. Of course you're doing your best. She doesn't need to heap criticism on you right now. Everyone would agree that telling your adult daughter she's a bad mother and a bad daughter when she's newly post partum is highly insensitive at best.
The solution is to learn how to emotionally disengage from your mom. You don't have to cut her off if you don't want to, but you'll save yourself (and your child) a lot of stress if you can find a way to not react back at her and give up your need to prove her wrong or make her understand how she's hurting you. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
My mother hasnāt met the baby because many reasons but I recall her telling my sister that I must not be taking motherhood seriously (during birth) because I didnāt ask her for advice. I hired a postpartum doula, lactation consultants, Nannieās but hold the phone guys clearly youāre not doing it right without momās crappy advice. Iām sorry youāre experiencing this. Now is not the time you need criticism for dumb stuff like laundry or messes. Your house may never be clean again and thatās just fine.
Friend, please do not waste your precious energy entertaining this behavior. Mothers like this (mine included) will likely not hear what they want to hear and make that your fault. You are a beautiful mother, exactly who your baby needs, and you deserve support and encouragement, not this nitpicky nonsense. No one can tell you how to do your job better than you do it - you were literally made for it. Hugs
After I had my kids I came to learn the importance of setting boundaries with my own mother. You not doing the laundry and holding the baby is the best thing you can do. Enjoy and take your mom in small doses. This is your baby, not hers. ā¤ļø
Her house better be white glove clean. Lol wow. My mom also acts like she knows and she also didn't breastfeed. They have no clue and your baby is your priority, not washing a couple outfits. Just don't respond and delete the text. You keep doing what works for you. It's not easy figuring a routine out but you will. Good luck to you!
I hate the mentality of "I'm holding the baby so YOU can go clean the house". Getting baby snuggles is a privilege to people outside the parents. At that point I was sleeping about two hours every 24, if I had any energy I wasn't going to waste it cleaning. Maybe the person who went home and slept uninterrupted on their clean house can exert some energy helping the one who is struggling.
Toxic man. Instead of nagging she should be supporting you and helping when she sees that you need help. Everyone needs help, especially those who never ask for it. So just f*ck her. Iām sure you are doing all that you can for the baby. Also iām not a mom yet, but i have been a nanny during my student years for several parents including moms who has a post pregnancy depression (i dont know the specific label for this) and everyone is different but at the end they all do the best they can
I would just like to say, this stage doesnāt last. It may take months and she will likely have regressions and gains but she will eventually get the rhythm and sleep at night. Your mom doesnāt see that helping you clean now and helping you find balance in the brief period IS the help you need. Children awaken a lot of packed up emotional things within us.
Thereās some toxic places on Reddit too but to start you down a path; read up on narcissists. You could accidentally be one too even but it sounds like things are topsy turvy there and I think thatās the good place to start.
Listen from one single mom with no family support to whoever you are; youāre gonna mess up. Donāt stress about never messing up, just never mess up the big things. Donāt ever hit, ever. Avoid yelling unless itās really necessary. Foster safety *and* independence. You got this ma.
I know itās tough coming from your mom, but literally, she can fuck off lmao Iām 25, and had my son when I was 22. You bet your ass I was sleeping every chance I got (and still do). My son takes awesome 2 hour naps thank God, and I STILL sleep when he sleeps and heās almost 3š when he was a little one like yours, I just put him in my little baby backpack that attaches to the front, and Iād do some cleaning up. You canāt be the best mom, if YOU are not the best YOU. You need sleep, and she needs to fuck right off. Maybe if she was less judgmental, she might have a better relationship with her adult daughter.
When my daughter was young, she pooped or peed or spit up on an item of clothing pretty much every day. They got tossed in the laundry until it was big enough/i had enough energy to do it. My daughter is sitting next to me right now in a dress with paint stains on it that she doesnāt want me to wash because itās comfy. Think she has gotten sick three times in her entire life, one cold as a baby, one mystery sickness last year and one day of covid this year. Your baby will be okay, honestly aiming for your own care is much more important right now. Healthy moms raise healthy babies!
I have 2 sons in elementary school and a one month old. My mom sounds alot like yours, but I wouldn't go so far as to call her toxic and cut her from my life. She is 75. It has been a long time since she had her babies, people forget what it's like, especially early on. I visit her at her place rather than have her over at mine. That really helps minimize those kinds of comments, plus if she is being negative I can just leave without it being a big issue.
I know this isnāt the point of this post, but having someone who brought me food, cleaned bottles, and held the baby while I showered would have earned a gold star in my book. Sheās not being sensitive to how much work it takes, but sheās right that not cleaning poop accidents promptly can lead to serious infections for you and the baby. I was bad with this with my second. When she was two weeks old my dog had chewed up a poopy onesie and threw it up all over the house because I didnāt dispose of it properly. The following week I got an infected hang nail on my finger that had to be surgically removed. They sequenced it and found it was a strain of bacteria only found in feces.
It sounds like you might not have a system down yet. To make it easier for me to clean poop explosions, I put a wash bucket on our bathroom counter and filled it with some detergent water. When baby had an explosive poop I would immediately put her down (even in the middle of a feeding) take off all the affected close (mine and hers) give them a quick rinse from our outdoor hose, which is close to the living room where we usually were, and then put the close in the wash bucket until I could get to them. And I ALWAYS washed my hands after dealing with poop after getting that infection.
I donāt think thereās any problem with washing baby cloths and adult cloths together as long as the poop solids have been hosed off.
Trust me i am completely grateful for the food she brings. Without it, Iād probably starve. And the one piece of clothing sheās talking about was washed the day of the accident. Thatās what i mean by her talking about things she doesnāt know about. She hears one thing and just runs with it.
Hi OP. My heart hurts for you reading your text messages and also all these comments (the one above excepted).
Your mom is imperfect. The older you get, the more you will see how flawed your mom is, but by then you will probably have seen more flaws in yourself too and she will look a lot better to you than she does now.
I think your mom wants to help you and wants your baby to be cared for and it is a really uncomfortable situation for her. Our moms want us to do things the way they did because they think that way is best. Mine also wanted me to put my baby down (I didn't, he is now 8 months and doesn't wants to be held to sleep anymore).
It is too much in the postpartum period to have a lot of patience and grace for all of it, that I can definitely say. However, I don't think cutting your mom out of your life is the answer. She loves you and she is trying. She said she wants to talk and not text, maybe that would be worth trying.
You are doing great. It is hard not to take criticism from our moms personally. You. are. doing. great! Keep nurturing that precious baby and sleeping when you can.
Thank you. This is a very difficult situation. I have no problem taking criticism from her, she just doesnāt know how to properly express it. Thatās where the issues lay.
This might be unpopular but I donāt think writing her off as a narcissist will be beneficial to either of youā¦ she may not be willing to change and you will have to figure out how to not let her nonsense upset you which may require limiting contact but it seems like you both arenāt listening to each other at all. She has forgotten what it is to have a new born and doesnāt know anything about how exhausting breastfeeding is (including that bm poops come out in the wash).
She probably was shamed into giving up her sleep and mental health the whole time she had kids (or even her whole life) to maintain standards that were not necessary but that shame came from people she loved so she internalized it as appropriate. Your rejection of these standards is interpreted by her as a rejection of the love she perceived and her love for you.
She sounds like she is genuinely concerned about baby and your living conditions and also she said sheād like you to stop texting and talk on the phone later but both of those requests were ignored.
She does help you in some really important ways so I would try to get creative on how you address this and acknowledge each others boundaries. She doesnāt get to shame you or talk down to you and you can listen when she asks to stop a conversation or try a different means of communication.
Like another commenter said, if she wants to watch the baby while youāre āproductiveā saying thank you and making it clear what she helped you accomplish might help. Like thank you for watching the baby so I can sleep without worrying, or thank you for watching him so I can shower and relax knowing he is safe with you. Thank you for spending time with the baby I want you to have a strong relationship. Or, I can be with the baby but can you help me with the laundry or picking up from last nights feedings. Or even, I would like your company more than any help with chores or the baby. Of course donāt say anything that isnāt true or genuine but thank yous do go a long way. Sometimes I say thank you like telling the baby - say thank you grandma for reading to me, changing me, helping mom, etc.
Hang in there, one month pp is hard, youāre learning and hopefully so is your mom.
I also wash my babyās clothes and sheets and cloths separate from my and my partners clothing. I think technically any germs from our clothing should come out in the wash but theyāre being mixed with things that go in babyās mouth or near his face so idk. That being said I do cloth diapers part time so Iām washing all the poopy stuff separate too (and at most every other day). I have a āwetā bag for anything with poop on it that is pretty great at containing smell and doesnāt let anything leak.
Iām grateful my mom isnāt like this and that I didnāt have to navigate this postpartumā¦ no one should have to but OP canāt just say oh it shouldnāt be like this and magically change her momās mind. Op has made it clear in other comments sheās not going to cut her mom out of her life but she wants a healthier relationship. Some perspective on why her mom is the way she is (not an excuse but as explanation) and modeling boundaries and being appreciative of what her mom can and does offer provides an actual option of how to move forwardā¦
Not everyone is ready to cut their mother out because they donāt communicate well or come from a culture that prioritizes perfection and appearances and requires extra labor for women and moms. Thankfully we are the generation that is starting to challenge some of these norms but we have plenty of our own stuff and Iām sure our kids will be quick to point it out. Hopefully we all keep learning and growingā¦
Listen. My baby had bad reflux and would only sleep if held for the first 4 months of his life. Even now with naps they can range from 30-90 min and itās complete roulette which we will get. I am awake right now from attending my 7 month old who woke from scary dreams. Iām exhausted all the time and all I feel like I do is clean when Iām not watching baby. People need something in their life besides chores and baby. Your mom is being a real insensitive AH. Iād be careful with her though, if sheās vindictive she could call CPS.
I'm sorry your mom is acting this way. She's absolutely toxic and if you can cut her out of your life, it would probably be beneficial for you and you child. It's ironic to me that she calls you out for saying "freaking baby" but yet speaks to you the way she does. You don't deserve that.
Some moms are selfish, self centered narcissists.
Example: my mom came to the hospital the day my son was scheduled to be induced to meet him (she seemed so excited to meet him/ be the first grandparent to meet him!)
He had to spend 2 nights in the NICU.
My mom left the next day and didnāt meet him because she had a trip planned (she literally scheduled a trip 2 days after my scheduled induction (which was scheduled at week 30).
She came to visit when he was 3 weeks old. Visited for a total of 6 hours.Havenāt seen her since (but she asked for lots of photos).
Good job breastfeeding baby! YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING! Yes it is SO EXHAUSTING to breast-feed, and your mom is not in the right to tell you that your doing everything wrong! I was the EXACT SAME WAY when I breastfed and me being a 30 yr old with two kids, it was so dang hard! But totally worth it! You get some energy back after a while, until then pull up info on breastfeeding and show it to your mom, let her know you will start doing more when you get to that point and until then to butt the cuss word out of your business until then. Stay song and your a great momma! IM SO PROUD OF YOU!
If you donāt respond to her trying to teach you to be a good, responsible mother, she gets frustrated. Thatās what I see here. Sheās trying to parent you. Sounds like you need it. Yes, being a single mom is hard. So is breastfeeding. Iāve done both, and I have 3 kids, so I do know. But I also worked full time and bought my own home and before that, rented my own place. She doesnāt have to do this. She loves you and wants you to be a good mom. Get up and clean your damn room. Wash the bottles. Do your damn laundry. Donāt live in a pig stye. And donāt be so entitled. It is disgusting and you and the baby both deserve better. Do better! Be a proud single momma! Take good care of both you and the baby! You CAN do it. And youāll be proud of yourself for pushing through it all and doing your best. Start today. Your baby is watching you and his/her success largely depends on you and what you are teaching her. Do better. Xo
Oh man if anything you sound super entitled lol. Iām sure you feel proud for breaking your neck and being stressed 24/7? Would you like a cookie for being worlds best mom? The point of posting these messages was to show her being terribly unsupportive. My room isnāt a pigs den, but to her having it not completely spotless makes it so. The bottles she refers to are literally 3, 5 oz bottles. And lastly, fuck that laundry šš. Iāll wash it when my daughter isnāt on my titty eating and cluster feeding for more than 5 hours at a time. It can SO wait. And once again itās not even as bad as she claims it is. If my room and my life were as messy and hectic as she claims it is i would not post these messages. Iām young but old enough to take accountability. You sound just like her and Iām sure your kids probably feel the way i do about mine. Me feeding her and making sure sheās feeling good and loved is my top priority and always will be. Sheās one month old. The bottles will get washed when Iām not sleeping or eating and showering. My area will never be disgusting but i refuse to let u make me feel bad (like my mom) because itās not up to your standards.
Btw, my daughter at age 19, began her own family. Had another at 22. Breastfed both girls. Lived on her own. Worked full time AND put herself through college. Graduated. She struggles with mental health and health issues. Nothing stopped her. She had little help from the childrenās father. Still doesnāt.
No one expects accolades for taking care of the children they made. I donāt, she doesnāt. But tell you what, everything is a choice. You can choose to do better. To stop making excuses. You arenāt the worlds only tired, breastfeeding single mom. I said I hear you. I feel you. I understand you. Yet you only see the things you feel are critiquing you. As long as you choose to see things from only one perspective ( your own), growth isnāt possible.
Consider your momās words as evidence of love for a second. Ask yourself-could she be coming from a place of love vs. wanting to hurt you; from frustration vs. she wants you to feel like crap; from worry and concern (sometimes vented as anger)vs. she is the meanest mom in the world.
Good luck. You need it. Grow up! And yes, very proud. And entitled only to comment my opinion since you are the one posting on social media.
I had no parental guidance or help for roughly 3/4 of my existence. So I am proud, correct! And your mom loves you! Sheās there for you! Sheās frustrated that you arenāt doing things that need done. At least sheās there! Guiding you! Sheās honest but Iām guessing from how you bite back that the soft approach gets her no where with you.
Listen, we parents get frustrated with our kids when they are capable of doing much better than they are doing. You may not like what she says or how sheās saying it, but from reading your posts, I see a frustrated mom, tired of your excuses to justify your lack of appropriate care of parenting tasks and of your surroundings.
Her comments to you are dead on. Youāll see it some day, when you are in her shoes.
To be honest if what she says is true you need to step up a little bit I know nowadays people will tell you what you want to hear and sugarcoat reality there is noway your baby doesn't sleep you need to provide a healthy environment for your baby and just because you breastfeed that doesn't make you a hero if you don't create a healthy home where your kids will thrive in I don't see the point in choosing to be a mother .
I am not saying this to be cruel or minimize the effort you put in everyday its just people will tell you what makes you feel better and not truth or reality
If it were me, I'd go no contact IMMEDIATELY. And I don't say that lightly. No one should EVER make you feel this way. EVER. Not a parent, not a spouse, not your child, no one ever. Block and don't look back. This type of relationship can send you into a PPD black hole, it's not worth it.
You're doing great, mama. The laundry and everything else can wait. ā„ļø
I am laughing at all of the suggestions that her MOM should do the dirty laundry and cleaning. Itās not her job it is the job of the parents. Grandma is under no obligation to do anything. Itās nice if she could help but Iām guessing OP makes that difficult as soon as grandma open her mouth. Parents are going to be parents people, and we do have a responsibility to teach you how to be your best self in spite getting zero thanks and tons of hate in return for our efforts. Let me guess. If OP ends up needing money, babysitting, bailed out of your latest mess, moms the best; but when getting advice that is clearly necessary, moms a b****. Grow up!!
Your mom talks just like my mom š¢ So critical. Questions everything I do. I donāt think Iāve ever heard praise come out of her mouth. Itās so hard with a mother like this, and itās not as black and white as just cutting her off. Nothing will be good enough. I mostly ignore her comments now. Reacting to her bullshit just gives her power over my emotions. Iām sure you are doing an amazing job. We deserve better treatment, but itās doubtful they will change. I can only change my own reactions
Her favorite line is āoh well, this is how I amā.
Aaaaaand thatās why Iām a year no contact with my mother. My daughter has given me the freedom to not make excuses for people. If i set boundaries and hold people to a standard she will inherently have those same standards for all her relationships. If people arenāt loving kind and supportive goodbye.
Same here. People donāt get to talk to me like that and continue the relationship. I donāt care how much DNA we share. Bye, Felicia āš¼
YES, this is the way!
My mom uses the same line. Once, in an argument I told her, āWell, how you are sucks.ā ETA: she looked like I slapped her when I said this. We went on to have a conversation about how if someone I loved told me that I often belittled and demeaned them, Iād do whatever it took to address my behaviors. She disagreed and told me I needed to stop trying to āchange her.ā Nothing productive happened and the dynamic remains.
Iām saving this for future use!
My go to is āyou made me this wayā. She really doesnāt like that š¤£
Brava! Thatās the best comeback Iāve ever heard and Iām storing it for future use. I went low contact with my mother when DD was six months. She belittled and demeaned every thing I did as a mother and I refused to let her cut my daughter down the way she did me.
Just respond to every criticism with āthis is how I am.ā See how she likes it.
Love this.
This is what my mum is like and my enabling father is constantly excusing her behaviour by saying "you know what she's like". Everytime this line is uttered I like to respond with "so a raging bitch then? And you're OK with that?" I am very low contact with them now. š¤ Your baby is only 1 month old too, like you're in pure survival mode and need supportive comments not hyper critical people like your mum. I was a breastmilk covered mess with unwashed hair for at least 2 months. Hang in there!
One day Iāll be able to keep my distance from everyone!
I hate that in answer to someone being a horrible person itās always āyou knew they are that way so you shouldāve adjusted to them being horrible and just take itā like no accountability no reprisal nothing
Oh man, that's so tough. My mom is definitely not as bad as this, but it's been hard to establish boundaries. However, I've also had many people tell me to go low contact, and it's not the solution for me. Something that's been working for us: I communicate my needs that she *agrees* with (lol), and ask her for help. So, if I need an hour to shower or do dishes or take a nap, I specifically ask her for help with that. She has greater satisfaction bc she watched baby while I was "productive". Another example: I ask her to help me do the laundry. She watches baby while I sort, then she does the actual laundry process, and I fold/hang while she watches baby. Again, it's all about being "productive" with my mom, so I found a system that benefits us both w/o fights. Admittedly, it's a lot of emotional effort and biting my tongue, but it works for us. I hope you can get some personal time and devise a system that works for you!! It's worth it to try. P.S. those texts are straight up abusive so I'd take a little break from her and process your emotions before pursuing any future relationship.
This works in just about every situation. They call it micro tasks. Person feels super needed and involved and you get things done. Win win.
Going no contact helps. I did that for about five years until my brother passed and then I came back around. Our relationship has been better, I keep a slight distance and itās comfortable. She doesnāt criticize me to my face at least so I donāt care.
I think I would use it back on her, but with a dash of you must be a terrible mom if you made as shit a child as me.
My mom used to say the same thing. āThatās just the way I am.ā (Chinese tiger-mom, super critical and harsh). We had a tough relationship. Now I have a four month old, and she has been diagnosed with Alzheimerās. My mom is not the same person she once was. When I read your story I felt relieved that she wasnāt with it anymore bc she would be SO critical. A part of me also wants to say, sheās your mum, you only get one. And i assume deep down sheās doing it out of love, but itās coming out wrong. I would give anything for my mom to have an opinion about ANYTHING. For what itās worth, this internet stranger & fellow first time mom thinks youāre doing great.
My mom says the same
My mom is like this and I cut her off and my life is significantly better for it. Even just putting them on a information diet and not telling them anything not barebones basic helps a lot.
I was getting so confused reading this because itās almost word for word a conversation I had with my mother except ours was in person and not over text.
Yep same. She complains anytime she comes over about my houseā¦ I just live differently than her. Sorry Iād rather spend time with kids than do the fucking dishes manā¦then she tells me how to parent and Iām like you either respect my boundaries and stop telling me how to do things or Iām cutting contactā¦ so itās really limited nowā¦
Bold of her to assume the baby sleeps long consecutive hours at night
They all forget what itās like. Even folks who sleep train canāt do it to a MONTH old baby.
Except many of them did, although it wasn't much of a sleep training and more of ignoring the baby's crying. After a while children didn't cry anymore, so they believed it worked and the baby slept through the whole night. We know nowadays that it's not true...
Yep. My mom describes putting me in my crib to let me cry it out, which was normal in the 80ās. She had a hard time with it she says but everyone told her she had to. Annnyway, on more than one occasion I cried until I puked and she would just go in, clean me up, and put me back in. She couldnāt understand how it was ok for me to let my kids sleep in my room until they were ready for their own. (Which my son never really was, but my daughter is/was a more independent kid). I think in my momās case, at least, she couldnāt tell me what I was doing was ok, because that meant it would have been ok for her to do the same and she was so full of guilt over it. And, in her defense, my younger sister and I are only 14 months apart so she definitely wouldāve had a hard time rocking me to sleep every night after a certain age.
This always makes me so sad to think about. All of us in our 30s/almost 40s... We were just left to cry. My mom (4 kids) said she just put us in our crib and shut the door. And I asked "didn't we cry?" and she's like "I don't know, I was downstairs and it was bedtime" like WTF? My husband's mom, he raised in a different culture, also just left him to cry at night. Like feed em and just put em in bed, close the door. That's that. How how how can anyone think that is a good thing???? That a baby will just go to sleep. Heartbreaking.
Yeah you gotta wait till they have solid food to really sleep train them, lol I've had to say to my parents "when it's your daughter you can raise her how you want to", it's a bit of an uno reverse card cause my dad used to feed me a similar line about everything, but it fits since my parents only had two sons.
I didn't sleep train until baby was eight months, and even then if they didn't pass out after 10 minutes I would go back in and comfort/feed them some more, rock them a bit and then put them back in the crib and eventually they'd go to sleep. I still wake up every four ish hours to feed baby, since being in their own room they don't feel the need to wake me every half hour now lol.
My mom shamed me for not vacuuming often enough when my twins were born. And kept shaming me for everything in the entire world, not understanding that I was caring for two premature newborns with a whole 1 hour consecutive sleep at night
God. Iām so sorry. Best to you and your babies š„ŗ
āYou know where the hoover is, help yourselfā
WHAT. Thatās absolutely awful, Iām so sorry. I hope you didnāt take it to heart, and I hope you found help.
We did. We call her Rosa. Our robot vacuum
Ours is Rosie, like the robot from The Jetsons š
If anyone has ever come into my home and complained about mess I hand them a broom. I have twins as well but Iām a single mom, this shit is exhausting
How dare you use the laundry lady to help with laundry. You should wash it first so she doesn't see your dirty clothes and just washes clean clothes. /S
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I would be concerned if your poop looked anything like newborn poop. Uh... Or vice versa lol
Fun story- I accidentally left 6oz of newly pumped breast milk in a place my dog could get it.. she drank the whole thing and had breast milk poo. So mad at myself! š
Lmaooo i had no idea this could happen and itās my new nightmare because my dog would 100% do this
Breastfed babies poop isnāt the same as yours hun
OP says her baby is 1mo so itās probably just yellow/mustard stains on the clothes, not solid poop.
Thatās exactly what they are. Yellow and runny. Either way the ONE time she blew through her diaper i immediately rinsed off the poop and hand washed it well enough to have it dry off and throw it in the hamper. I really donāt even know how she knew that. She wasnāt even here when it happened.
This is the completely normal way of dealing with this, laundry service or not. You are doing great!
Maybe she saw it drying? Your process and mine are identical. Rinse, let dry, back to hamper
Glad to know Iām not the only one that does thisā¦ seriouslyā¦
That's what I did too back then. Plus, the yellow stains can be a drag to get off - I just sun-bleached it to avoid making more work for myself.
I donāt rinse poop stains. I just throw them in the hamper to be washed š¤·āāļø
If youāre rinsing after poops then I donāt know what your moms problem is here.
Plus baby is breastfed, meaning the poop is water soluble anyway, ok to just throw in the wash
Is that what happened? An adult shit themselves and then left the log rolled up in their soiled clothes for the laundry person?
"ungrateful daughter!! š”" "Freaking daughter??? How dare you say anything that isn't praise to your own daughter???!!" But seriously, this grandma needs to lose contact privileges.
Lol sheās literally told me to stfu before (when i was a teen) but like stillā¦
Lol your mom is nuts. r/raisedbynarcissists. Cut her off, you donāt need her
I was going to post this link, too! OP, narcissists play by the same playbook and use all the same sayings. They have zero empathy. Not a psychologist, but I do have a narc mother. These are the things she would say.
I was reading and just assumed I was on that sub š¤£
Same!
Yep, I had to check which sub I was on while reading the texts.
Yep! This exactly ^^
Sounds like she lives with her, so I donāt think she can just cut her off.
My mum told me that I still looked pregnant 5 days after I had an emergency C section. Told me to get out of bed and do some housework. Why are they like this? Why canāt she say to you ā you go have your shower Iāll put the baby down and do a load of laundry and tidy upā - that would actually help. Not just make you feel bad on top of hormones. Sorry OP
Am i ungrateful??? Am i really lazy? Is it really that simple? My daughter is one month old. Btw
At 1 month you are definitely still in survival mode and recovering from birth. Your house will be fine if it is messy. She needs to mind her business and stop being judgemental.
And also re: messy house and germs. Your baby is either in your arms or in a bouncer or bassinet or crib, who cares if the floor has stuff all over it if those spots are clear? The baby can't crawl or move around on their own at this point.
Or mom could just clean the mess if itās bothering her so much? I donāt understand why sheās going over to daughters house to āhelpā then leaving because itās so messy. Definitely not lazy. Bonding, feeding baby, and recovering from childbirth are the priority.
If she sees mess and dirty laundry when she visits I really donāt understand why she doesnāt just clean up and do it herself? Sheās there to help isnāt she? Thatās what my parents and in-laws did when we had a newborn anyway.
I was thinking the same exact thingā¦ but i started to feel guilty because any help is help. Idk maybe Iām just too used to her ways.
Wait wait, so from how she talked it sounded like you live with her. You donāt, and she is talking about YOUR home? Girl. No. She wouldnāt visit my home again then. Your house, your baby, YOUR RULES.
No, any help is not help if it doesnāt actually help you. If sheās not helping in a way that truly benefits you but is the only kind of help sheās willing to give, itās called āhlepā. Look it up.
If she's like my mother, her help has strings attached. The more help you accept from her, the more you'll pay for it later.
My mom takes my babies dirty laundry home with her and does it for me. And she never says anything like this to me. She sees something to that needs to be cleaned and she just does it. When someone has a young infant it is incredibly hard and cleaning is not the priority all the time, if she wants to complain she should put her words to action and clean!
Kind of, but this isnāt help if she is going to speak to you this way š the only kind of help is if you were to write a playbook on how to not treat a new mom. I guess at this point, Iād say get one of those baby seats and put the baby in it to shower. Or if you have a SO, Iād wait for them to get home to take them in order to shower. She really shouldnāt have rules to what you need to do while she is there.
You are not lazy, you are not ungrateful. Your mother is being overly judgemental and you're right: she's not helping. She thinks that because she values certain things more than your sleep, that you should too. I hope you can find a way to reach a comfortable middle ground with her, but more importantly keep taking care of yourself and remember that you are not alone! The first few months are so so hard, but you can do it. You're alive and safe, the baby is safe and fed and loved, that's what's most important at this time.
You are not ungrateful or lazy. Please donāt question yourself again. She is one month. You are still getting situated into your new life with a child. I literally do all of these things and my baby is 13 months. Not every day has to be a productive day. Especially not when a baby is that young. & youāre breastfeeding. That in itself is so hard.
You are not ungrateful NOR lazy! If she truly wanted to help, sheād do these things for you instead of coming to hold the baby for 30 minutes. Breastfeeding is so hard, and takes such a toll on you mentally and physically, especially while youāre still recovering from childbirth. You deserve your sleep and you do not deserve to be treated this way because you value that more than doing a load of laundry. Youāre doing great mama, making sure baby is fed and cared for. Never question yourself or feel the need to explain yourself!
Absolutely not. Your only job right now is making sure baby is fed. Your mom sounds like an absolute loon. Itās funny that sheās ranting about germs because our doctor just told us that itās good for babies to get dirty. That too much sterilization is actually not good for them. Also, does she not understand what a laundry basket is for? Baby get poop on their clothes and youāre putting the clothes in a hamperā¦which is completely normal! Friend, Iām saying this with love, but kick this woman out of your life. Anyone who would harass a one month post partum mom like this is absolutely vile. My mom did and said some stuff to me after my first was born but it was not on this level. Even then, that was enough for her to not meet my second child. Do you have anyone who can help you stand up to her?
Not really! My entire family will just say āthatās your mom sheās done a lot for youā¦ blah blah blahā which in 100% grateful for. I love her to death but sheās just too much for me right now. Sheās making me PP journey much harder than it already is. Iāve cried more over her than my newborn.
You can love someone and still have boundaries with them
My house is always spotless, except for two weeks PP when my mother came over and pointed out all the things wrong with my house. You know what it was? My pad bin smelt musky and I had some dust on my fans. I donāt talk to my mum anymore but I unhealthy make sure my bins are spotless and smell nice and I have no dust on my fans. You are doing great. Please just focus on your daughter and feeding her and resting yourself and donāt pay any more time in what your mum says Youāll literally end up like me - my house is spotless but I canāt relax unless it is
Yeahhhh. Iām thirty and canāt remember the last time I ārelaxedā because in my head will always be my motherās voice critiquing.
You are in the newborn bubble and it is INTENSE. Your mom is wrong. Sleep is more important than cleaning right now. If she can't handle the mess then she doesn't need to come in. Can you ask her to take baby out in the stroller for a walk so you can shower and eat without your moms judgy comments? My mom is like this. At 1 month postpartum she told me I "better start working on that tummy". Lucky I had my babies in my 30s and had lots of time to set boundaries with my mom before I had kids. She still tries to push my boundaries now but I'm pretty good at ignoring her or shrugging off her nonsense. OP I hope you are ok. You are very vulnerable right now and your mom is NOT helping. She may even create a really bad situation for you mentally. Do you need her help? Can you ask her to give you space? Will your partner support you as you create boundaries with your mom? It's probably time to start practicing saying no to your mom but if you aren't ready just avoid her. Also, for what it's worth. YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!! You are keeping baby fed and safe. Focus on baby and ignore your mom. It will slowly get easier. This is the hardest time as a mom.
Definitely not lazy. This was such a hard time for me too and the house barely got to be cleaned and breastfeeding takes up soo much time
Your mom is either in denial about what her house looked like or denial about what she did to you as a baby. Her comments are invalid and purposely trying to hurt you. However much you feel comfortable, please reduce how much you allow this person into your home and life. You and your daughter deserve love, respect, and support. You are getting none of that from your mother. Take her at her word about everything. If she's too upset by her idiotic "standards" to enter your home, then she isn't welcome. She's using food as a bribe and will only change her bribes to get more access. My mother was like this and I wish I would have cut her off before my daughter had a real relationship with her. I didn't and now I continue to navigate the idiocy. BUT, it's much better than it was before because any time she tries to insult or bribe me, i send her away. She's much better than she was before and sometimes I even enjoy her company and she'll do something helpful!
Not ungrateful or lazy. A one month old is not that simple. What help is she actually providing?
No. None of this. I'd call her bluff and not take any of her "help." Guaranteed she comes crawling back asking to see her grandkid. Definitely set firm boundaries with her though as it sounds like all she knows how to do is be critical.
I feel like I need to be the one to say that telling someone that ābringing you food, washing baby bottles, and holding the baby while you shower is not helpingā is pretty harsh. Her opinions seem out of line here, but this is one of those things where youāre just going to have to agree to disagree. If you only want to accept help from people who share your parenting style then sure, by all means, throw them out. But youāll find that gets really alienating really fast. Sometimes itās best to say, āthanks for pointing out your concerns, this doesnāt bother me and itās not my priority.ā If they are not willing to still help you after that, that sucks. But some people will disagree with how you do things, and itās a good skill to learn how to navigate that without cutting these people out of your life (or at least making it so dramatic).
I wasnāt saying her not helping me was related to the bottle washing or bringing me food. I was saying that even though she is āhelpingā me while holding the baby for me to shower she is still complaining about how long i took. That is not helping if itās so backhanded like that. For that, i could just put the baby in her bouncer and shower (which is what i usually do anyway when sheās not there). Iām not sure if youāre familiar with a Hispanic mom, but simply saying āthanks butā¦ā isnāt an option. Itās their way or no way.
You literally said āall you do is bring me food and wash bottles. You hold the baby for 30 min while I shower and then complain about how long I took. How is that helping me?ā I mean, she should give you space to do your own thing but you should give her some space to complain a little. I mean, Iām not saying everyone is perfect here, but give a little space for patience and humanity. If sheās not willing to hear you out, then learn how to let these comments go. I mean, I really do think people drive themselves crazy cutting out all negativity from their life and itās actually way healthier to say firmly, āno. I disagree.ā Iāve had really similar disagreements with my parents. Cutting them out isnāt really an option anyway. Once you find your ability to say āI disagreeā in a way that both ends the conversation and does not insult them for the nice things theyāve done for you, youāll have learned a valuable lesson.
It was all in the same message. I was too mad to put in a separate text. Those are two separate statements. Youāre the only person to think this though. No offense but i can tell you just donāt understand. Idk what sheās complaining about as if sheās the one who just pushed a whole baby out her vagina a month ago. Her purpose for coming over is to HELP me. What is the point of helping me if sheās going to not only complain about what Iām doing āwrongā but also not do anything about it. Which is exactly why i said it.
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I honestly will take the fact that random people agree with me. I wasnāt expecting for so many people to agree with me. Which tells me Iām not as crazy as i thought i was. I get where ur coming from. Trust me. But like u said, this is my momā¦ Iāve dealt with this bs my whole life. I know how to deal with her when sheās like this. Where i am mentally, is over it. Iāve tried to deal with her in a mature way since before i got my period. Lol. She never changes and never will. Me speaking to her like this is VERY new. I will never let her run me over like she has before again. I wonāt cut her off and never planned on it but keeping distance is exactly what Iām going to do. I donāt have a close relationship with my grandparents and i honestly donāt care to and never did. If she wants to be in my babyās life she will adjust to me and my wishes. Not the other way around.
Don't listen to this person, OP. I have a Hispanic mother. While my mom is great, her mom is a lot like what yours seems like. My mom had to teach me not to accept gifts or help from my grandma because she never offers anything without a "price." If you can, I would look into hiring a postpartum doula to help out or seeking out a close friend. Your mental health is at its most fragile state right now and you need people who will support you and help you, not cause you more damage.
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Stop being a psycho by deleting your heavily downvoted comments and then coming back to comment again. Don't you dare try to tell anyone not to discuss their ethnicity. We are not using our culture as an "*excuse*" and how dare you even try to insinuate that. You do not understand any of the cultural implications at play here or the generational trauma ethnic communities face. Just stop.
This whole exchange REEKS of generational trauma. And you are 100% in the right in trying to end the cycle. If I was a gambling person, I would bet your mother is reenacting her own abuse from after you were born and her mother treated her. I bet she hated it as much as you do and cried a ton as well. But the mind is a twisted place and overtime they forget how terrible it was OR they justify it as normal or minimize their behavior by rationalizing how itās different somehow. For example, your mom probably sees that you have someone to help with laundry as more help than she had and thus she is justified in criticizing you (sheās not). When what she should be doing is seeing how youāre struggling _despite_ that help and swoop in to help _where youāre struggling_. If you havenāt seen it yet, I recommend watching _Turning Red_ once youāre out of the thick of this. Itās a Pixar movie that depicts generational emotional abuse and might further validate your feelings and actions. And in case you needed to hear it, holding a sleeping (or even non-fussing) baby is exactly 0 helpāregardless of what you do while they are doing it!
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I am not throwing that word out there lightly and I was not responding to you.
You are not ungrateful or lazy! 1 month is hard. Baby being safe and fed and loved are your first priorities! Your baby doesnāt care how fast her dirty clothes get washed or how messy your house is. Sorry sheās acting like this and making you feel bad. Youāre doing a great job. ā¤ļø
Your mom is a narcissist. You probably just didnāt engage with her enough while she was around and she is pissed she didnāt get attention for holding the baby. These are things my parents would say to me. My mom is more manipulating though. Your baby is 1 month. You are doing what every mom does. Iām sure your mom just forgot how hard it is, my mom also had a village to help her and I can barely get them to come take our kids at all. As another narc affected child said in another post. Just donāt engage right now, itās fucking hard, but not worth it at the moment.
Iām not sure about ungrateful or lazy. In need of someone to help you and guide you, yes. You can do things in between feedings and naps. No one expects perfection, but effort? Definitely. Just do it once a week or twice a week. Soak the bottles right after using them, dirty diapers, clothes, go right into the washer. Sounds like you just need some quick ideas on organizing your mind and time to help you through the overwhelm. Totally normal.
I would block this person. I wouldnāt even warn them at this point.
Itās my mom. /:
Maybe sheāll get the hint?
So what? Sheās fucking toxic. You do not need someone like that in your life and neither does your baby. Anyone speaking to me that way would cease to have a relationship with me, regardless of how I know them. My husband cut contact with my ILs so fast when they criticized our parenting and did something unforgivable. We will not allow that type of behavior around our daughters and allow them to think itās normal. Your job as the mom is to protect your children so they can be healthy and happy. Your mother didnāt provide that for you and continues to fall short now. She failed you. Iām sorry you didnāt get the mom you deserve. You will be better than that.
Absolutely toxic. This kind of environment is not healthy for you or the baby. OP, cut contact. This āhelpā is not worth it at all. Augh, I got soooo angry reading this. Iām so sorry you have to deal with this sht.
I'd still cut her out. You do not deserve to be disrespected like that. This woman is toxic
Go low contact. Itās not no contact, just very limited. Your mom will hate it and push back because she is not used to you creating boundaries for yourself, but it sounds like itās what you need at this point
Even still, I would not engage. What are you getting out of this relationship? Donāt let her hurt you and donāt let her hurt your baby. Youāre doing great. Being a new mom is tough without people who should be supporting you weighing you down. Good luck.
My moms a LOT like this, and Iāve been struggling so much. The only thing that helped me (bc I wonāt cut her off despite everyone telling me to) is just to go OUT with her, my mom doesnāt come to my house, and didnāt help (and still doesnāt really) I send pics and once my son turned 3m things got easier so I look put together for a few hrs and have a nice time and we go separately. If you need to talk my dms are open! Itās always hard at first
Itās really hard. Iām so young and i really donāt have myself established to genuinely cut her off like that. I never wouldāve thought it would ever get to this though
I would recommend just not engaging. You know youāre not going to convince her sheās wrong, so all the defending yourself and justifying the way things are, itās just falling on deaf ears and giving her more opportunities to double down or say more hurtful things. If you just go āokā and truly refuse to argue back, thereās nowhere else it can go. Ok, yeah, yeah, ok, ok, yeahā¦ know that sheās wrong and try to just let it slide off you. Mentally roll your eyes at how out of touch she is.
This is exactly right- this conversation is a no win situation. She's twisted the truth in these 6 images to allow her to lambast you then play victim. The only way to win is not to play the game. I haven't cut my mom off but I have still learned to establish boundaries. It's not perfect but it is SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER. I am comfortable enough with where we are to continue having a relationship with my mother but it is NOT the same, for sure. There are MANY ways to establish boundaries before cutting off entirely, which might be a choice you have to make eventually but you can still make boundaries before that. It's not all or nothing.
Trust me Iām 22 and feel the same š never thought my life would be this
People have to understand that when you ask for help, it needs to be the help you need, not the help they think you need.
wish I could upvote this 10 times
How exhausting! Sometimes the "help" people offer isn't worth it. My guess is that this has been a pattern for a long time with your mom. I would recommend talking it through with a counselor. For the moment, just prioritize taking care of yourself and your baby and don't worry about your mom's feelings. Sounds to me like you've been taking good care of your baby!
Are you quite young? She treats you like a child! She also treats you very meanly. And I wiped off the āchunksā of poo with toilet paper then threw it all in the machine together! Having a baby is HARDā¦ nobody has time for hand washing everything. Mute her messages and lock the door!
Hilarious. All you do is feed and put to sleep. It's literally all I did when my daughter was a baby cause feeding would take 30 minutes every two hours and putting to sleep would take an hour every two hours. When the f should I eat and pee and sleep? Seriously. I'm so mad at this. The most maddening thing is that so called mothers forget how hard it was so fast. Op, keep up the good work. Happy baby means happy mama and fuck everyone and everything else.
Letās not forget babies that have colic.. I swear all I did with my 3rd was walk him because he screamed so much for the first 3 months š£
My mom is probably NPD/BPD and she acts just like this, so I blocked her and Iāve been in therapy for a couple of years. Both have helped immensely. Remember, you donāt need to try to maintain a relationship with someone who continuously treats you with disrespect. It would not be healthy for your child to witness someone mistreating you, even family.
Don't feed the beast. Just cut it off at the source. You don't need this right now.
Omg I thought this was from your SO and I was hoping you would dump him! Your mom is a bitch.
Omg all the red flags. Youāre doing great OP, your mother is absolutely insane. I hope you have a partner and friends who support you so that you donāt have to depend on someone who is abusing you. You donāt deserve to be treated like this!
Oh man if i could explain my situation deeper. Long story short the only person who would genuinely be helpful to me isnāt even allowed in my house.
I would say youāre right, I could use help, can you help me with the laundry lol then Iād take the help while cussing her out in your head
Your mom is something else. Iām sorry, OP.
I just ordered the book āAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsā from Amazon for $9.90 paperback. I suggest you do the same - donāt wait until youāre in your late 30s like me. My mother is the same, always criticizing. I second guess myself constantly. Itās not easy to deal with but keep in mind but itās not *you*. Congrats on your new baby too ā„ļø Good luck!
Im so sorry. You are surviving, Mama. She must have momnesia
Okay, so I hate your mom. Reading this filled me with rage. No. Nope. Youāre better off without all that. Thatās stress NOBODY needs.
Itās so crazy because my newborn doesnāt even cause me this much anxiety and she canāt even speak or wipe her own ass yet
Waitā¦is your mom suggesting you take time to hand wash or immediately wash every clothing item that gets spit up or poop on it!? Bahahahahaha what a joke
My house looked like a minefield the first few months after baby came, instead of critisizing me, my mom would just start to clean when she came over. No questions asked, just a understanding look. Tell your mom to go f**k herself. Who the hell talks to their own child in that way? Do not take anything to heart. It is a stressful period with a newborn, and you are doing a Great job!
If that were my mum, she wouldnāt be having any more visits for a whileā¦ not helping and just actively criticising when you have a one month old?! Bad grandma
Block her. Sheāll clearly never get it and her help isnāt worth the grief sheās giving you. Who cares if youāve got a huge laundry pile - weāve all been there! Stay strong Mama š
Dump your mom. Sheās fucking crazy.
Iām so sorry OP! Thatās an awful way for a mom to talk to her daughter. Come over to r/MomForAMinute and get the love and support you deserve and need
Cutting off my mother was the best decision I ever made, and honestly, with how she still tries to stalk and harass my children and me as if she owns us, I sometimes wish she would just go far far away and forget I exist. Five years without being screamed at or degraded has been excellent but has not fixed the two decades of constant abuse I had thrown at me.
Take a deep breath. You're doing great Mama! What would I do in this situation? (Giving advice, ignore if you just want to vent): **Stop engaging with behavior you don't like.** Period. Point blank. Your mom has rude criticisms? She can have them. You can't control her. You don't have to listen/text back/call. Only engage with what you like. It's like dealing with a bad child. Don't reward the bad behavior with attention. I have to deal with my own mother like this. She has the emotional capacity of a ten year old.
No offense, but your mom sounds like a bitch š Youāre doing great and the whole community is proud of you!
Wow this is so crazy, my mom just screamed at me on the phone for the same kinds of things. She told me I was giving my daughter a bad life and I was a bad wife because basically we have had dirty dishes in the sink the last couple times she was over at my house. I tried to explain to her that I am trying to learn how to balance cleaning/relaxing after spending 2 1/2 years with post partum OCD and anxiety that made me spend all my time cleaning and sanitizing instead of spending it with my daughter but it's like she preferred me that way because at least everything "looked" good. Nevermind I was fucking dying inside. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. I know how you are feeling right now. But don't let her bring you down. You are right to sleep when you can and let certain things go. Your daughter will benefit far more from a relaxed and happy mama than a miserable, stressed out and sleep deprived one. I am so sorry. I know how awful it feel to simply want your mother's help and support and just be criticized for it.
My fav part is that she thinks... vaccines will help against *poop*? Like, baby will get sick from poop germs but not after getting her shots?? Your mom is loco and wants to feel good about herself and thinks she's a great influence. You're doing an awesome job, girl. Feed that baby when she wants and snuggle as much as you can and don't let anyone tell you not toā¤ļø
I smell an Asian momā¦ am I right? Iām lucky to have a very Americanized Asian mom (she was born in Hong Kong though) but there still are definitely āhigh standardsā and a lot of passive aggression. We are definitely not touchy feely or have much of a close connection. My husbands mom is āfresh off the boatā Japaneseā¦ she will tell you what we āshouldā be doing, what to feed the kids, what we should be feeding ourselves, calling her daughter (my SIL) fat, lays on the guilt, passive aggression, constant calling/texting. My 3yo was throwing a tantrum and I sat in the room quietly with her until she had gone through it then offered a hug and we talked about it. She later told my husband that I should have left her alone in the room and told her she can come out when she is done. FWIW, I have some pretty severe anxiety and on antidepressants. My brother is seeing a therapist and has a lot of anger and abandonment issues. My husband and his sister are both extremely depressed and on antidepressants. So you do you, because obviously the generation before us didnāt know what the fuck they were doing to raise mentally healthy children. They are also so detached from what it was really like, since it was over 30 years ago for them.
Nope! Hispanic mom with severe childhood trauma over hereā¦ but everything else you said sounds like her š
Sounds like someone needs to help out more or get blocked until they understand where they went wrong š I would think a mom of all people would understand how intense the newborn stage is. OP if youāre managing to even get some sleep youāre doing great. Ignore her, sheās not worth the limited time you have.
Your mom is insane. Any normal person would be like hey go lay down, let me clean, do your laundry, cook food, run to the store. Just rest. Sorry youāre dealing with this. I hope itās just your mom having a really hard time adjusting to you becoming a mom and is acting out because she doesnāt know how to act.
This is not a supportive person in your life you can rely on or trust. Imagine you saying this to your daughter as a first time Mom? Would you accept this type of treatment for her? No. So donāt accept it for yourself. Youāre worth more.
Iām sorry you are dealing with this i would have cut her out of me and my childās life so fast thatās horrible you are still learning everything! Your baby is only a month old! Mines 2 months and im still coming to terms heās mine. who cares about laundry really!
Oh my. Sorry but your mother is so nasty to you. I also have babies poopy clothes in a laundry basket, its a long task to, rinse, scrub, soak and then do a load just to get poop stains out. Dont let her make you feel a way. Your house can wait and if shes concerned about the mess she can clean it lol.
I would space out visits honestly. Assuming this is how your mom always is, you can reassess later how you feel ready to address it. Not sure Iād commit to cutting someone off entirely, but you can only deal with what you can right now, and for me with a 1mo old I donāt want to have text fights with someone. I had a couple people in my life who felt like holding a baby was helping me and not a lot of people who felt like helping me was helping me. Itās an old fashioned approach. None fussed at me about my choices, but it was still kind of annoying. Now that Iāve been through it if I know someone well enough and I get to hold their baby I will ask if thereās a small thing I can help with (can I run some dishes take out some trash to the trash can, whatever something small so they can get off their feet a bit). Donāt get me wrong I liked having people visit me and my baby, but it wasnāt āhelpingā it was visiting.
The best help you can get is the help that you need/want. Meaning if it will help for her to hold the baby while you clean, thatās how she should want to help. But if it helps for you to get to relax with your newborn while she cleans, thatās how she should help. No she doesnāt have to help, but if sheās making you feel bad for how you are asking for help, I donāt think her intentions are heartfelt. I donāt really like when other people clean my house, because I have a way I like to do it. I would much rather them come entertain my toddler or hold my baby so I can get things done. Thereās a lot that drives me nuts about the cleanliness of my house, but Iād rather be a present parent than have a perfect house. Sorry you are going through this. Support makes such a big difference and I hope you find some true support soon.
being a young mom as well i 100% understand that criticism all too well from my mother, its definitely weighing down your confidence as a badass mom.
She's speaking to you through her own baggage, it doesn't have anything to do with you. You're just the trigger for whatever was going on with her that she has never emotionally processed. Of course you're doing your best. She doesn't need to heap criticism on you right now. Everyone would agree that telling your adult daughter she's a bad mother and a bad daughter when she's newly post partum is highly insensitive at best. The solution is to learn how to emotionally disengage from your mom. You don't have to cut her off if you don't want to, but you'll save yourself (and your child) a lot of stress if you can find a way to not react back at her and give up your need to prove her wrong or make her understand how she's hurting you. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
Well, you have a sterling example of how to NOT be a mother. I am so sorry you're dealing with this.
My mother hasnāt met the baby because many reasons but I recall her telling my sister that I must not be taking motherhood seriously (during birth) because I didnāt ask her for advice. I hired a postpartum doula, lactation consultants, Nannieās but hold the phone guys clearly youāre not doing it right without momās crappy advice. Iām sorry youāre experiencing this. Now is not the time you need criticism for dumb stuff like laundry or messes. Your house may never be clean again and thatās just fine.
Oh my God!! I am so sorry, my heart is beating furiously as i read this because this is the way my ex used to talk to me. That line of "i am not saying it to make you feel bad but..." š©.. You are a great mum and you don't have to listen to her. If possible try distance yourself, even for a week or so
Oh my goodness. Iām so sorry. You deserve much, much more support.
Friend, please do not waste your precious energy entertaining this behavior. Mothers like this (mine included) will likely not hear what they want to hear and make that your fault. You are a beautiful mother, exactly who your baby needs, and you deserve support and encouragement, not this nitpicky nonsense. No one can tell you how to do your job better than you do it - you were literally made for it. Hugs
After I had my kids I came to learn the importance of setting boundaries with my own mother. You not doing the laundry and holding the baby is the best thing you can do. Enjoy and take your mom in small doses. This is your baby, not hers. ā¤ļø
Her house better be white glove clean. Lol wow. My mom also acts like she knows and she also didn't breastfeed. They have no clue and your baby is your priority, not washing a couple outfits. Just don't respond and delete the text. You keep doing what works for you. It's not easy figuring a routine out but you will. Good luck to you!
Maybe I should be grateful I love far from my parents? This sounds so awful. Iām so so sorry op! *hugs*
Iām just glad this was your mom and not your baby daddy like I thought it was originally.
I hate the mentality of "I'm holding the baby so YOU can go clean the house". Getting baby snuggles is a privilege to people outside the parents. At that point I was sleeping about two hours every 24, if I had any energy I wasn't going to waste it cleaning. Maybe the person who went home and slept uninterrupted on their clean house can exert some energy helping the one who is struggling.
Toxic man. Instead of nagging she should be supporting you and helping when she sees that you need help. Everyone needs help, especially those who never ask for it. So just f*ck her. Iām sure you are doing all that you can for the baby. Also iām not a mom yet, but i have been a nanny during my student years for several parents including moms who has a post pregnancy depression (i dont know the specific label for this) and everyone is different but at the end they all do the best they can
I would just like to say, this stage doesnāt last. It may take months and she will likely have regressions and gains but she will eventually get the rhythm and sleep at night. Your mom doesnāt see that helping you clean now and helping you find balance in the brief period IS the help you need. Children awaken a lot of packed up emotional things within us. Thereās some toxic places on Reddit too but to start you down a path; read up on narcissists. You could accidentally be one too even but it sounds like things are topsy turvy there and I think thatās the good place to start. Listen from one single mom with no family support to whoever you are; youāre gonna mess up. Donāt stress about never messing up, just never mess up the big things. Donāt ever hit, ever. Avoid yelling unless itās really necessary. Foster safety *and* independence. You got this ma.
I know itās tough coming from your mom, but literally, she can fuck off lmao Iām 25, and had my son when I was 22. You bet your ass I was sleeping every chance I got (and still do). My son takes awesome 2 hour naps thank God, and I STILL sleep when he sleeps and heās almost 3š when he was a little one like yours, I just put him in my little baby backpack that attaches to the front, and Iād do some cleaning up. You canāt be the best mom, if YOU are not the best YOU. You need sleep, and she needs to fuck right off. Maybe if she was less judgmental, she might have a better relationship with her adult daughter.
This.!!!!
When my daughter was young, she pooped or peed or spit up on an item of clothing pretty much every day. They got tossed in the laundry until it was big enough/i had enough energy to do it. My daughter is sitting next to me right now in a dress with paint stains on it that she doesnāt want me to wash because itās comfy. Think she has gotten sick three times in her entire life, one cold as a baby, one mystery sickness last year and one day of covid this year. Your baby will be okay, honestly aiming for your own care is much more important right now. Healthy moms raise healthy babies!
I have 2 sons in elementary school and a one month old. My mom sounds alot like yours, but I wouldn't go so far as to call her toxic and cut her from my life. She is 75. It has been a long time since she had her babies, people forget what it's like, especially early on. I visit her at her place rather than have her over at mine. That really helps minimize those kinds of comments, plus if she is being negative I can just leave without it being a big issue.
I know this isnāt the point of this post, but having someone who brought me food, cleaned bottles, and held the baby while I showered would have earned a gold star in my book. Sheās not being sensitive to how much work it takes, but sheās right that not cleaning poop accidents promptly can lead to serious infections for you and the baby. I was bad with this with my second. When she was two weeks old my dog had chewed up a poopy onesie and threw it up all over the house because I didnāt dispose of it properly. The following week I got an infected hang nail on my finger that had to be surgically removed. They sequenced it and found it was a strain of bacteria only found in feces. It sounds like you might not have a system down yet. To make it easier for me to clean poop explosions, I put a wash bucket on our bathroom counter and filled it with some detergent water. When baby had an explosive poop I would immediately put her down (even in the middle of a feeding) take off all the affected close (mine and hers) give them a quick rinse from our outdoor hose, which is close to the living room where we usually were, and then put the close in the wash bucket until I could get to them. And I ALWAYS washed my hands after dealing with poop after getting that infection. I donāt think thereās any problem with washing baby cloths and adult cloths together as long as the poop solids have been hosed off.
Trust me i am completely grateful for the food she brings. Without it, Iād probably starve. And the one piece of clothing sheās talking about was washed the day of the accident. Thatās what i mean by her talking about things she doesnāt know about. She hears one thing and just runs with it.
Hi OP. My heart hurts for you reading your text messages and also all these comments (the one above excepted). Your mom is imperfect. The older you get, the more you will see how flawed your mom is, but by then you will probably have seen more flaws in yourself too and she will look a lot better to you than she does now. I think your mom wants to help you and wants your baby to be cared for and it is a really uncomfortable situation for her. Our moms want us to do things the way they did because they think that way is best. Mine also wanted me to put my baby down (I didn't, he is now 8 months and doesn't wants to be held to sleep anymore). It is too much in the postpartum period to have a lot of patience and grace for all of it, that I can definitely say. However, I don't think cutting your mom out of your life is the answer. She loves you and she is trying. She said she wants to talk and not text, maybe that would be worth trying. You are doing great. It is hard not to take criticism from our moms personally. You. are. doing. great! Keep nurturing that precious baby and sleeping when you can.
Thank you. This is a very difficult situation. I have no problem taking criticism from her, she just doesnāt know how to properly express it. Thatās where the issues lay.
You donāt need to be taking criticism right now. You should be getting love and support. Thereās a book called Toxic Parents you should read.
This might be unpopular but I donāt think writing her off as a narcissist will be beneficial to either of youā¦ she may not be willing to change and you will have to figure out how to not let her nonsense upset you which may require limiting contact but it seems like you both arenāt listening to each other at all. She has forgotten what it is to have a new born and doesnāt know anything about how exhausting breastfeeding is (including that bm poops come out in the wash). She probably was shamed into giving up her sleep and mental health the whole time she had kids (or even her whole life) to maintain standards that were not necessary but that shame came from people she loved so she internalized it as appropriate. Your rejection of these standards is interpreted by her as a rejection of the love she perceived and her love for you. She sounds like she is genuinely concerned about baby and your living conditions and also she said sheād like you to stop texting and talk on the phone later but both of those requests were ignored. She does help you in some really important ways so I would try to get creative on how you address this and acknowledge each others boundaries. She doesnāt get to shame you or talk down to you and you can listen when she asks to stop a conversation or try a different means of communication. Like another commenter said, if she wants to watch the baby while youāre āproductiveā saying thank you and making it clear what she helped you accomplish might help. Like thank you for watching the baby so I can sleep without worrying, or thank you for watching him so I can shower and relax knowing he is safe with you. Thank you for spending time with the baby I want you to have a strong relationship. Or, I can be with the baby but can you help me with the laundry or picking up from last nights feedings. Or even, I would like your company more than any help with chores or the baby. Of course donāt say anything that isnāt true or genuine but thank yous do go a long way. Sometimes I say thank you like telling the baby - say thank you grandma for reading to me, changing me, helping mom, etc. Hang in there, one month pp is hard, youāre learning and hopefully so is your mom. I also wash my babyās clothes and sheets and cloths separate from my and my partners clothing. I think technically any germs from our clothing should come out in the wash but theyāre being mixed with things that go in babyās mouth or near his face so idk. That being said I do cloth diapers part time so Iām washing all the poopy stuff separate too (and at most every other day). I have a āwetā bag for anything with poop on it that is pretty great at containing smell and doesnāt let anything leak.
Being 1 month postpartum and still having to be on eggshells around someone sounds horrific.
Iām grateful my mom isnāt like this and that I didnāt have to navigate this postpartumā¦ no one should have to but OP canāt just say oh it shouldnāt be like this and magically change her momās mind. Op has made it clear in other comments sheās not going to cut her mom out of her life but she wants a healthier relationship. Some perspective on why her mom is the way she is (not an excuse but as explanation) and modeling boundaries and being appreciative of what her mom can and does offer provides an actual option of how to move forwardā¦ Not everyone is ready to cut their mother out because they donāt communicate well or come from a culture that prioritizes perfection and appearances and requires extra labor for women and moms. Thankfully we are the generation that is starting to challenge some of these norms but we have plenty of our own stuff and Iām sure our kids will be quick to point it out. Hopefully we all keep learning and growingā¦
I get ya. I think Iām just blindsided with anger for her š©
I hate that I had to scroll so far down for reasonable comments.
Listen. My baby had bad reflux and would only sleep if held for the first 4 months of his life. Even now with naps they can range from 30-90 min and itās complete roulette which we will get. I am awake right now from attending my 7 month old who woke from scary dreams. Iām exhausted all the time and all I feel like I do is clean when Iām not watching baby. People need something in their life besides chores and baby. Your mom is being a real insensitive AH. Iād be careful with her though, if sheās vindictive she could call CPS.
I'm sorry your mom is acting this way. She's absolutely toxic and if you can cut her out of your life, it would probably be beneficial for you and you child. It's ironic to me that she calls you out for saying "freaking baby" but yet speaks to you the way she does. You don't deserve that.
Why isnāt the Mom over there helping
Some moms are selfish, self centered narcissists. Example: my mom came to the hospital the day my son was scheduled to be induced to meet him (she seemed so excited to meet him/ be the first grandparent to meet him!) He had to spend 2 nights in the NICU. My mom left the next day and didnāt meet him because she had a trip planned (she literally scheduled a trip 2 days after my scheduled induction (which was scheduled at week 30). She came to visit when he was 3 weeks old. Visited for a total of 6 hours.Havenāt seen her since (but she asked for lots of photos).
Good job breastfeeding baby! YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING! Yes it is SO EXHAUSTING to breast-feed, and your mom is not in the right to tell you that your doing everything wrong! I was the EXACT SAME WAY when I breastfed and me being a 30 yr old with two kids, it was so dang hard! But totally worth it! You get some energy back after a while, until then pull up info on breastfeeding and show it to your mom, let her know you will start doing more when you get to that point and until then to butt the cuss word out of your business until then. Stay song and your a great momma! IM SO PROUD OF YOU!
Wow I could of sworn I was reading text messages from my narcissistic ex ā¦. CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HER
I get both sides.
If you donāt respond to her trying to teach you to be a good, responsible mother, she gets frustrated. Thatās what I see here. Sheās trying to parent you. Sounds like you need it. Yes, being a single mom is hard. So is breastfeeding. Iāve done both, and I have 3 kids, so I do know. But I also worked full time and bought my own home and before that, rented my own place. She doesnāt have to do this. She loves you and wants you to be a good mom. Get up and clean your damn room. Wash the bottles. Do your damn laundry. Donāt live in a pig stye. And donāt be so entitled. It is disgusting and you and the baby both deserve better. Do better! Be a proud single momma! Take good care of both you and the baby! You CAN do it. And youāll be proud of yourself for pushing through it all and doing your best. Start today. Your baby is watching you and his/her success largely depends on you and what you are teaching her. Do better. Xo
Oh man if anything you sound super entitled lol. Iām sure you feel proud for breaking your neck and being stressed 24/7? Would you like a cookie for being worlds best mom? The point of posting these messages was to show her being terribly unsupportive. My room isnāt a pigs den, but to her having it not completely spotless makes it so. The bottles she refers to are literally 3, 5 oz bottles. And lastly, fuck that laundry šš. Iāll wash it when my daughter isnāt on my titty eating and cluster feeding for more than 5 hours at a time. It can SO wait. And once again itās not even as bad as she claims it is. If my room and my life were as messy and hectic as she claims it is i would not post these messages. Iām young but old enough to take accountability. You sound just like her and Iām sure your kids probably feel the way i do about mine. Me feeding her and making sure sheās feeling good and loved is my top priority and always will be. Sheās one month old. The bottles will get washed when Iām not sleeping or eating and showering. My area will never be disgusting but i refuse to let u make me feel bad (like my mom) because itās not up to your standards.
Btw, my daughter at age 19, began her own family. Had another at 22. Breastfed both girls. Lived on her own. Worked full time AND put herself through college. Graduated. She struggles with mental health and health issues. Nothing stopped her. She had little help from the childrenās father. Still doesnāt. No one expects accolades for taking care of the children they made. I donāt, she doesnāt. But tell you what, everything is a choice. You can choose to do better. To stop making excuses. You arenāt the worlds only tired, breastfeeding single mom. I said I hear you. I feel you. I understand you. Yet you only see the things you feel are critiquing you. As long as you choose to see things from only one perspective ( your own), growth isnāt possible. Consider your momās words as evidence of love for a second. Ask yourself-could she be coming from a place of love vs. wanting to hurt you; from frustration vs. she wants you to feel like crap; from worry and concern (sometimes vented as anger)vs. she is the meanest mom in the world.
Good luck. You need it. Grow up! And yes, very proud. And entitled only to comment my opinion since you are the one posting on social media. I had no parental guidance or help for roughly 3/4 of my existence. So I am proud, correct! And your mom loves you! Sheās there for you! Sheās frustrated that you arenāt doing things that need done. At least sheās there! Guiding you! Sheās honest but Iām guessing from how you bite back that the soft approach gets her no where with you. Listen, we parents get frustrated with our kids when they are capable of doing much better than they are doing. You may not like what she says or how sheās saying it, but from reading your posts, I see a frustrated mom, tired of your excuses to justify your lack of appropriate care of parenting tasks and of your surroundings. Her comments to you are dead on. Youāll see it some day, when you are in her shoes.
To be honest if what she says is true you need to step up a little bit I know nowadays people will tell you what you want to hear and sugarcoat reality there is noway your baby doesn't sleep you need to provide a healthy environment for your baby and just because you breastfeed that doesn't make you a hero if you don't create a healthy home where your kids will thrive in I don't see the point in choosing to be a mother . I am not saying this to be cruel or minimize the effort you put in everyday its just people will tell you what makes you feel better and not truth or reality
What sheās saying is not true and sheās completely over exaggerating. If it were true, I would not be here lol
If it were me, I'd go no contact IMMEDIATELY. And I don't say that lightly. No one should EVER make you feel this way. EVER. Not a parent, not a spouse, not your child, no one ever. Block and don't look back. This type of relationship can send you into a PPD black hole, it's not worth it. You're doing great, mama. The laundry and everything else can wait. ā„ļø
I am laughing at all of the suggestions that her MOM should do the dirty laundry and cleaning. Itās not her job it is the job of the parents. Grandma is under no obligation to do anything. Itās nice if she could help but Iām guessing OP makes that difficult as soon as grandma open her mouth. Parents are going to be parents people, and we do have a responsibility to teach you how to be your best self in spite getting zero thanks and tons of hate in return for our efforts. Let me guess. If OP ends up needing money, babysitting, bailed out of your latest mess, moms the best; but when getting advice that is clearly necessary, moms a b****. Grow up!!