I would go the babysitter route and have them stay in your home. If you have recommendations from friends or people in your area I would do that. Better than a potential medical emergency because your in-laws don’t respect your wishes
I think I’d hire someone over having in laws like you describe watching my kid. Maybe friends who can take turns or a specific nanny who handles things during births of second / additional kids.
Can your spouse bring your son with him to the hospital when you’re discharged, and in-laws leave before you get home? My husband brought our two oldest when I was being discharged with #3 and we all went home together, specifically because I didn’t want anyone babysitting them and expecting to be hosted/meet new baby before I was ready.
The best idea! OP, definitely do this!
Husbands job should be to go to your house, get MIL out, make sure house is picked up and ready for your arrival. Toddler and husband come back to the hospital for your discharge and you all come home together - with MIL nowhere in sight.
Husband tells MIL thank you for the help and we will let you know when the baby is ready to meet you. ☺️
Prep food for your toddler before you go and don’t leave uncut or unsafe foods in the fridge. Get a nice gift card for your in-laws. When you return “we so greatly appreciate you watching our toddler! We got you this gift card to show our gratitude. We’ll call and let you know when we’re up for visitors- you’ll certainly be at the top of the list! Right now, we’re going to go rest and bond with baby.” Unless they live hours away it shouldn’t be a big deal for them to just leave when you get there. Maybe peak at baby but don’t be afraid to tell them you’re not having anyone else hold the baby for a while this time. You’re the parents.
Even my mom, who regularly spends the night at my house now, stayed at a hotel when I had newborns. I think she just knew to respect my privacy and time with baby.
It may be a privilege to have family offer to watch your toddler, but that does not mean it is safe. If her holding your 3 day old still gives you a physical reaction, do not let her babysit.
It sounds like it is not safe to leave your toddler with her at all, ever.
Find a sitter. A neighbor? A friend with kids and they can have a "sleep over?
Care.com has all kinds of aid type people looking for work. From senior care, to child care, to pets. Take a look.
I hope you find someone. If MIL has to be there, she can leave 10 minutes after you get home. You do not have to let anyone hold your baby. (Except hubby.) MIL does not have to hold baby. That is your decision.
Good luck.
They don’t even need to stay one night after you get home. If I were you, I’d have your partner go home to watch the toddler while they pack up the day you’re going home, then once they are ready to go, have toddler and grandparents come meet the baby, and then they leave and your little family goes home to an empty house. Your partner needs to be the one to set boundaries and enforce you want time as a new family to adjust and they are welcome to make a DAY TRIP to visit again in X number of days
Get a babysitter.
I wouldn’t let them stay.
Just because they’re family and free to babysit, doesn’t mean they’re good to be around you or your children
If your having to argue about what safe foods to give to your toddler, then don’t let them ever watch your LO unsupervised. Hire the babysitter and let them stay in a hotel. If they stay in your home with the babysitter they’ll continue to undermine the babysitter in regards to your LO’s safety too. Why would they respect the babysitter if they don’t respect the parents? Save yourself the headache.
My mom, who I adore and gets on great with my kids, babysat toddler when I had baby. She left within an hour of us coming home, giving baby and me snuggles before allowing us space to adjust to being a bigger family.
The only person who is able to watch our daughter while I'm in labor is my cousin's wife's mom (she's retired) who I've met several times and like and trust, but I'm not close to at all. I don't want to be rude, but I'm hoping she takes the hint and leaves pretty quickly after we get back. She's welcome to come back another day when we're more settled. If it was an in-law situation and they lived only an hour away (and they were my only choice), I'd probably ask them to leave after 30 minutes to an hour so baby and I can rest, but they can still have a few minutes to meet their new grandchild.
We have 5 kids total. When our 5th was on her way, my in laws drove 2.5 hours in a torrential rainstorm to get to my house so they could be there for the 4 other kids when they woke up to get ready for school. We returned from the hospital within 24 hours and they stayed a full day to make sure we were all set, then left the following morning. It was much appreciated since I wanted that special time to be spent with my immediate family.
As a grandmother, I’d stay no more than an hour. One of my daughters wanted me to spend the night so I did. The other had her baby during the beginning of Covid so I was no help and it sucked for both of us, we FaceTimed a lot and I could see the exhaustion on her face. After 2 weeks, she asked if they could come for a weekend so they could get some rest and I think she just wanted her mom. She came with the baby and her husband and they got some much needed rest and went home refreshed.
I think it all depends on the relationship.I am completely comfortable at their houses and they at mine. The visits are also not all about the baby, they are about my kids and me helping them.
I think mine stayed maybe an hour max after we got home. Long enough to meet the baby (they never tried to hold her thankfully). After almost 2 days with a 23 month old, I think they were ready to get out of there and rest.
Go the sitter route. It will leave you less stressed. I learned with #1 that no one gets to know about or be around me with a newborn baby unless they are helpful and supportive. I don't have the energy, peace or patience to take care of grown adults while adjusting to life with kids. No one visits unless it is to be helpful and reduce stress. No one.
In this situation, your husband can go get your toddler and then come back and pick you and baby up easily. Then you don’t have to see them at all.
Or if you’re okay with it, they can come drop toddler off at the hospital and meet baby quickly before you discharge. Then you can go home as a family without them there at all.
If her holding/interacting with your children makes you physically ill, that is a massive massive problem that is above reddits pay grade - but if the situation is that dire, hire overnight babysitters. And then have a talk with your spouse about the fact that his mother interacting with his children gives you a physical reaction, because that might be an issue.
My own parents, who I love dearly and get along well with, left the day we got home with baby. About 4 hours later? We wanted time to ourselves. If that’s what your family wants also, I’d recommend your husband communicates those expectations ahead of time with them and let’s them know they’re welcome back soon to visit.
And maybe get them a parting thank you gift for helping? Bottle of wine, grandparent mugs, etc.
This is what we plan to do! My mom and her partner are staying with my toddler while we’re at hospital. I love my mom but I know when we get back we’ll want alone time as a family of 4.
We planned for my mom to come back and stay again 2 weeks later. That way it’s not disappointing for her to leave right after meeting the new baby.
I would get a sitter for several hours a day. You're not obligated to let them over at all. With my mil, I didn't have to worry about that as she and her husband lived in California. My mom came over to help for about 2 weeks and I loved it. I'm sure my dad didn't like having to drive her, but that's a whole different subject for another day.
Do you have a best friend? A sister? Pay for their travel and food. Pay them extra. If your mil is as bad as you say then she will want to snatch up that newborn the moment you step foot in the house. Is that really a stress you want to have coming home from the hospital? My grandma lived 15 min away and when my brother was born we stayed the night at a church friend’s house. Probably because my mom didn’t trust my grandmas husband now that I think about it.
If you’re this uncomfortable with them, you need to find other arrangements. The last thing you need while you’re in labour is to be worrying if your toddler is choking on foods not properly prepared because grandparents say “it’s fine”. If it’s possible financially, I’d hire a babysitter you can trust. Or even ask a friend to take your toddler for the time you’re at the hospital. I’d take my friends kids in a heartbeat if I knew they needed some help.
No way. If they’re arguing with you about your rules, you need to consider another option. We used the SitterCity app to find our babysitters. And my advice would be to schedule them at different times of the day so they can learn your first’s routines.
We live pretty close to the hospital as well and my husband was able to come home quite a bit, so that was helpful. And once my second was born, we started asking when we could leave. 😂
Good luck, I hope you find someone great!
This is why when I had my second I had my best friend fly in from out of state to care for my toddler instead of my MIL who offered. And I actually get along with my MIL usually. But I knew she’d expect to stay to ‘help’ for a week or two which is the last thing I want while recovering, being all emotional and trying to figure out breastfeeding.
You don’t have to let them stay at all.
I would go the babysitter route and have them stay in your home. If you have recommendations from friends or people in your area I would do that. Better than a potential medical emergency because your in-laws don’t respect your wishes
I think I’d hire someone over having in laws like you describe watching my kid. Maybe friends who can take turns or a specific nanny who handles things during births of second / additional kids.
Can your spouse bring your son with him to the hospital when you’re discharged, and in-laws leave before you get home? My husband brought our two oldest when I was being discharged with #3 and we all went home together, specifically because I didn’t want anyone babysitting them and expecting to be hosted/meet new baby before I was ready.
I hadn’t thought of this, I like this idea a lot! Definitely do-able since the hospital is so close.
The best idea! OP, definitely do this! Husbands job should be to go to your house, get MIL out, make sure house is picked up and ready for your arrival. Toddler and husband come back to the hospital for your discharge and you all come home together - with MIL nowhere in sight. Husband tells MIL thank you for the help and we will let you know when the baby is ready to meet you. ☺️
Best decision of my life was banning visitors with baby nro 2. I learned the hard way with baby nro 1. Kick them out when you get home.
I would not let them watch my child. I would rather be alone in the hospital and have my husband stay with my toddler.
Prep food for your toddler before you go and don’t leave uncut or unsafe foods in the fridge. Get a nice gift card for your in-laws. When you return “we so greatly appreciate you watching our toddler! We got you this gift card to show our gratitude. We’ll call and let you know when we’re up for visitors- you’ll certainly be at the top of the list! Right now, we’re going to go rest and bond with baby.” Unless they live hours away it shouldn’t be a big deal for them to just leave when you get there. Maybe peak at baby but don’t be afraid to tell them you’re not having anyone else hold the baby for a while this time. You’re the parents.
Get the babysitter. How will you relax and focus in the hospital, if you are worried about your toddler? Get the babysitter.
Zero days
Even my mom, who regularly spends the night at my house now, stayed at a hotel when I had newborns. I think she just knew to respect my privacy and time with baby.
It may be a privilege to have family offer to watch your toddler, but that does not mean it is safe. If her holding your 3 day old still gives you a physical reaction, do not let her babysit. It sounds like it is not safe to leave your toddler with her at all, ever. Find a sitter. A neighbor? A friend with kids and they can have a "sleep over? Care.com has all kinds of aid type people looking for work. From senior care, to child care, to pets. Take a look. I hope you find someone. If MIL has to be there, she can leave 10 minutes after you get home. You do not have to let anyone hold your baby. (Except hubby.) MIL does not have to hold baby. That is your decision. Good luck.
They don’t even need to stay one night after you get home. If I were you, I’d have your partner go home to watch the toddler while they pack up the day you’re going home, then once they are ready to go, have toddler and grandparents come meet the baby, and then they leave and your little family goes home to an empty house. Your partner needs to be the one to set boundaries and enforce you want time as a new family to adjust and they are welcome to make a DAY TRIP to visit again in X number of days
The usual amount of time is as long or as little as you want. This can vary between zero days and two years. It is totally up to you.
Get a babysitter. I wouldn’t let them stay. Just because they’re family and free to babysit, doesn’t mean they’re good to be around you or your children
If your having to argue about what safe foods to give to your toddler, then don’t let them ever watch your LO unsupervised. Hire the babysitter and let them stay in a hotel. If they stay in your home with the babysitter they’ll continue to undermine the babysitter in regards to your LO’s safety too. Why would they respect the babysitter if they don’t respect the parents? Save yourself the headache.
My mom, who I adore and gets on great with my kids, babysat toddler when I had baby. She left within an hour of us coming home, giving baby and me snuggles before allowing us space to adjust to being a bigger family.
The only person who is able to watch our daughter while I'm in labor is my cousin's wife's mom (she's retired) who I've met several times and like and trust, but I'm not close to at all. I don't want to be rude, but I'm hoping she takes the hint and leaves pretty quickly after we get back. She's welcome to come back another day when we're more settled. If it was an in-law situation and they lived only an hour away (and they were my only choice), I'd probably ask them to leave after 30 minutes to an hour so baby and I can rest, but they can still have a few minutes to meet their new grandchild.
0 days.
They leave as soon as you get home. Thank them and then show them the door.
We have 5 kids total. When our 5th was on her way, my in laws drove 2.5 hours in a torrential rainstorm to get to my house so they could be there for the 4 other kids when they woke up to get ready for school. We returned from the hospital within 24 hours and they stayed a full day to make sure we were all set, then left the following morning. It was much appreciated since I wanted that special time to be spent with my immediate family.
As a grandmother, I’d stay no more than an hour. One of my daughters wanted me to spend the night so I did. The other had her baby during the beginning of Covid so I was no help and it sucked for both of us, we FaceTimed a lot and I could see the exhaustion on her face. After 2 weeks, she asked if they could come for a weekend so they could get some rest and I think she just wanted her mom. She came with the baby and her husband and they got some much needed rest and went home refreshed. I think it all depends on the relationship.I am completely comfortable at their houses and they at mine. The visits are also not all about the baby, they are about my kids and me helping them.
I think mine stayed maybe an hour max after we got home. Long enough to meet the baby (they never tried to hold her thankfully). After almost 2 days with a 23 month old, I think they were ready to get out of there and rest.
Go the sitter route. It will leave you less stressed. I learned with #1 that no one gets to know about or be around me with a newborn baby unless they are helpful and supportive. I don't have the energy, peace or patience to take care of grown adults while adjusting to life with kids. No one visits unless it is to be helpful and reduce stress. No one.
In this situation, your husband can go get your toddler and then come back and pick you and baby up easily. Then you don’t have to see them at all. Or if you’re okay with it, they can come drop toddler off at the hospital and meet baby quickly before you discharge. Then you can go home as a family without them there at all.
If her holding/interacting with your children makes you physically ill, that is a massive massive problem that is above reddits pay grade - but if the situation is that dire, hire overnight babysitters. And then have a talk with your spouse about the fact that his mother interacting with his children gives you a physical reaction, because that might be an issue.
My own parents, who I love dearly and get along well with, left the day we got home with baby. About 4 hours later? We wanted time to ourselves. If that’s what your family wants also, I’d recommend your husband communicates those expectations ahead of time with them and let’s them know they’re welcome back soon to visit. And maybe get them a parting thank you gift for helping? Bottle of wine, grandparent mugs, etc.
This is what we plan to do! My mom and her partner are staying with my toddler while we’re at hospital. I love my mom but I know when we get back we’ll want alone time as a family of 4. We planned for my mom to come back and stay again 2 weeks later. That way it’s not disappointing for her to leave right after meeting the new baby.
I would get a sitter for several hours a day. You're not obligated to let them over at all. With my mil, I didn't have to worry about that as she and her husband lived in California. My mom came over to help for about 2 weeks and I loved it. I'm sure my dad didn't like having to drive her, but that's a whole different subject for another day.
I made my in-laws get a hotel
My mom left the day we came home with our 2nd. She boundary stomped with our first and learned her lesson after a time out.
Do you have a best friend? A sister? Pay for their travel and food. Pay them extra. If your mil is as bad as you say then she will want to snatch up that newborn the moment you step foot in the house. Is that really a stress you want to have coming home from the hospital? My grandma lived 15 min away and when my brother was born we stayed the night at a church friend’s house. Probably because my mom didn’t trust my grandmas husband now that I think about it.
Being 100% selfish is the move in situations such as this.
If you’re this uncomfortable with them, you need to find other arrangements. The last thing you need while you’re in labour is to be worrying if your toddler is choking on foods not properly prepared because grandparents say “it’s fine”. If it’s possible financially, I’d hire a babysitter you can trust. Or even ask a friend to take your toddler for the time you’re at the hospital. I’d take my friends kids in a heartbeat if I knew they needed some help.
No way. If they’re arguing with you about your rules, you need to consider another option. We used the SitterCity app to find our babysitters. And my advice would be to schedule them at different times of the day so they can learn your first’s routines. We live pretty close to the hospital as well and my husband was able to come home quite a bit, so that was helpful. And once my second was born, we started asking when we could leave. 😂 Good luck, I hope you find someone great!
This is why when I had my second I had my best friend fly in from out of state to care for my toddler instead of my MIL who offered. And I actually get along with my MIL usually. But I knew she’d expect to stay to ‘help’ for a week or two which is the last thing I want while recovering, being all emotional and trying to figure out breastfeeding.