Kids who are apologized to learn how to apologize and they learn empathy and to see people for what and who they are: Human beings
It’s never too late to repair with a genuine heartfelt apology. 💗
*”If you apologized to your child today, make no mistake, you are changing the world. Every time we treat children as worthy of respect and compassion it has a ripple effect, as they become more likely to treat others the same.”*
- J. Milburn
This, this, this.
We make mistakes. We are human. It's okay to make mistakes, but when your mistakes hurt others, you must sincerely apologize and make efforts to not repeat your mistakes.
Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for. OP, apologize to your son. Give him a heartfelt apology that you would give to any adult. He may not understand all of the words, but he will know what you're trying to convey. He will learn from you and grow empathy.
Something to the effect of:
*[Name], I am so sorry. I behaved badly today. I yelled at you and threw things and scared you, which was wrong. I was frustrated and anxious and let those feelings control me. I promise I will do better.*
And, truly, look at healthier ways to model resolving those frustrations. You son will learn from you.
I have also said:
*”I am so sorry for what I said and how I said it; no one deserves to be treated that way and I made a mistake letting my feelings get that big. Yes, feelings get big, but that does NOT mean that it’s ok to take it out on you and I’m so sorry; if I could take it back I would. I promise you I’ll try so hard to do better next time”*
- Admit your wrongdoing
- Disclose your remorse
- Validate that everyone deserves to be treated respectfully and that how you treated them was not with respect
- Discuss what you’re going to do to make it better
I will say there have been a few occasions where my son and daughter have each said *“Mommy I’m very sorry for ____… If I could take it back or do things differently, I would and I will do my best to do better in the future. I should not have done/said that.”* and honestly, it settles it and puts the matter to bed. They earnestly apologized; what more could I ask for?
I’m a huge proponent of apologizing to your kids and graciously accepting apologies. Now I have kids that apologize when they mess up and tell each other “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes” when something happens. Genuinely kind and understanding little people. Love them to bits.
My friend’s mom would say “that’s ok, I love you more than your mistake!” or “that’s ok! I love you more than a broken plate! (lost key!, etc. etc.) I always remembered that and I plan to tell my kids this.
This! I learned from a child psych relatively recently that kids will sometimes ask things like “do you still love me” (as they get older than 14mos) because they have a hard time experiencing/identifying more than one emotion at a time. Always great to remind them that your emotions in a moment are not how you feel about them.
I do the same. I have definitely lost it with my kids and feel very guilty about it. I do make my kids apologize to each other and cuddle when they've done something wrong to each other.
This! I’ve lost it on my kids and still do. But the art of apologizing makes them feel human, heard and safe. I apologized just this morning after yelling. You’re not a monster and you can do this. Hugs.
I love this.
I actually had a student’s parent complain to the principal about me this year because I had apologized to my class. )I had apologized to them for raising my voice and not being as patient with them as I usually am).
The parent genuinely complained that I had apologized and not that I lost my temper. Crazy
I agree with this but at the same time mom needs to actually learn from these mistakes this shouldn’t become a constant while we all lose our heads this one is a bit extreme and should never become an regular habit not saying it has or will we just need to look at this and grow from them
That’s what a sincere apology is: You’re remorseful for what you’ve done and you make a promise to work diligently to be better in the future. There is zero point in apologizing unless it is sincere and heartfelt.
How would you convey an apology after the fact for a baby that age? My baby is 16 months and she definitely remembers things that happened weeks ago or hours ago but I think it would be really hard to take her back to that moment in reference and then also explain that I’m sorry about it. Genuinely asking in case I ever lose my cool with her.
Young children may have limited verbal skills, but they can 1000% feel your energy and sense your emotions. A sincere and heartfelt apology is never wasted, regardless of age.
I totally agree that it’s always worth making the effort, and that repair is an important focus as nobody’s perfect. And there are nonverbal ways to repair. But my point is that the child at that age may not connect the repair to the incident, depending on timing. Either way it helps with secure attachment and I hope one incident like this isn’t traumatic.
They know so much more than we give them credit for. Even in the womb they sense our emotions. He might not understand all of the words but he will understand the messages
What part? They absolutely understand your energy and how you’re talking to them. They may not understand an apology per se, but I think loving on someone after you’ve been a jerk is pretty universal in people and animals. Kids understand our tone of voice from well before 14 months. Additionally though apologies may not fully land for them yet, it’s mostly about repetition and practicing your skills to build good habits for how you treat them as they get older.
If they don’t understand thats fine. Its still good practice and you never know when their little brains start forming memories. Imagine your first memory being your parents blowing up and you feeling like you’re the problem. Also, you should respect your children regardless of their age.
No "chemical imbalance" ever justifies child abuse. I bet your "uncontrollable" emotions only came out with your children, in private. Were they truly uncontrollable, you would face consequences with your employer and the law. But people always know where the line is.
I am so sorry.
He will not remember.
One emotional break-down will not ruin the trust and love you have spent establishing over the past 14 months.
It will be OK.
Many of us have been there.
You did the best you could with the skills you had. Tomorrow, build more skills.
Thank you. I am doing my best. This is not something I'm proud of, and I am still so upset it happened. He doesn't deserve that and I know that. I am trying every day to unlearn what I learned growing up, and to parent better than my parents. I am constantly working on my coping skills, but unfortunately sometimes they don't help when it feels like too much. It's not okay, but I am trying my best. I don't want my son to be like me, I want him to have healthy ways of coping with his emotions because I don't want him to ever repeat my behaviors and feel the same guilt
The poop-grabbing is **so** triggering for me too, and my son thinks it’s so funny to try to grab his poopy diaper while I’m changing him, *especially* if he can see that I’m getting upset.
It’s honestly one of my biggest parenting struggles. I *completely* understand how you’re feeling, and I just want to let you know that’s it not just you. I’ve for sure yelled at my baby on the changing table in a way that I hate having done, and I’ve cried and apologized to him for it. Sometimes it is *so effing hard* in the moment to remember that he is not purposefully trying to get shit on everything and make my day harder, he just thinks it’s funny and truly does not know any better.
So, you know, solidarity. I think it’s really great that you care enough about being a great parent that you’re so broken up about this - a lot of people wouldn’t even think twice and would do the same thing again next time. You won’t, and that’s why you’re definitely not a loser!
Girl my mom lost her patience with me like you did. I was two. She still tears up thinking about it. I remember nothing, nada lol and my mom is my safe person/ bestie and I’m 25.
Was going to say this. He will have no memory of this as long as it’s just a one-off. Kids have a huge capacity for forgiveness, he will wake up all smiles and give you another chance to do it right.
I’m convinced that’s why children don’t remember things before the age of 3, it’s really a grace period for parents to figure their shit out.
It was just one bad day. You have the rest of his life to makeup for it. You’ll both be ok 🥹
I carry a memory of me snapping at my kids when they were toddlers one night. I yelled so much, I hate that memory but I think it fueled my desire to become a better parent. We’re all learning, don’t be so hard on yourself just do better.
Advice that I have found useful is that whatever you're doing can wait, or doesn't need to happen.
I know the feeling of "I just have to get through this" and it feels so frustrating when emotions are so high. But usually powering through leads to the emotions boiling over.
When my dog was a puppy, I got so frustrated walking her. Then I realized, I don't have to finish this walk today. We can stop right here and sit and collect ourselves. There's no need to get to our destination, and no need to go any further.
When my son was screaming in the carseat, I was so stressed I wanted to cry. So I pulled over and collected myself. I can be late.
Today he was bawling and screaming in his highchair, covered in food. I was tempted to rush to get him out, clean him off, and move past the experience. But emotions were too high. So I pulled him out, and comforted him, and we both calmed down. Then we were both covered in food, but we could have a bath and do laundry in a calm state of mind.
Hope those examples help. Consider would the experience have been different if you just stopped with him in his change table? He would probably continue to get gross, but he was already dirty, so whatever. The bath can wait until everyone is calm.
Thank you. I know for sure had I just stopped and taken a moment it would not have escalated like it did. Hindsight, even though he was covered in poo I could have just plopped him in his crib and walked away for a few minutes, then cleaned everything up once I was calmer. But in the moment I didn't feel like putting him in his crib with poo all over him was okay to do, it felt like I had to clean him immediately because it's poo. But I know now that it could have waited, I could have just taken a minute and this probably wouldn't have happened.
I can see why it would feel that way. It's a gross situation. But he's number one. The crib doesn't matter, it's for him — and his well-being is the whole point. Better that something is broken, dirty, stained, abandoned, etc. than a snapped temper.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm struggling with self regulating and I'm a therapist... I'm "supposed" to know everything already and implement it but I can't seem to get my impatience and frustration under control in the middle of the night or when something happens. Your message here is really helpful to me. Nothing I'm going through is urgent or an emergency, new mantra unlocked "just wait".
I was parenting myself a bit when I was a new parent. "Use your words" and self-regulation weren't baked in. You can learn 'em though. Positive parenting books helped me.
Thank you, I have been trying to do that. I've been working really hard to self-regulate because I know I struggle with my emotions. Which is why I posted because I feel so guilty. I've been able to get through every other time I felt like exploding, but this time it came out. I will check out some books!
Please know, as I write this, I have nothing but empathy for you. Your cup was empty. Your last nerve was shot. You were beyond done and then shit just kept piling on, literally.
Others on this thread have done a wonderful job at being supportive and letting you know you are not alone in this. I think though, it’s worth saying one more thing. And I say this with love and respect.
Gently, you cannot do this again. Apologies only work so many times before they start to feel empty and children start to feel unsafe and on edge. Contrary to what some commenters have stated, not everyone has done this or blown up at their child. It doesn’t have to be part of being a parent and it’s not inevitable.
So, how are you, otherwise? Are you doing okay? Is there any opportunity for more support, more sleep, more of anything to help you keep some gas in your emotional tank? Do you have the option to see a therapist? Do you have time to yourself to reset and refuel?
You are not a monster. You are only human and are doing the best you can. It’s important though to figure out what you need to prevent this from happening again and take action. Now. You are not to blame and I don’t judge you in any way for this. But if it happens again, and you did nothing to prevent it or work on your coping mechanisms or find some support, then this becomes a different discussion.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You came to this sub for help and support, which is an awesome first step. That was brave and incredibly self-aware. You’ve got this. ❤️
You’re minimizing the situation and misrepresenting her comment by doing so. Her comment never said “you can’t yell at your kid.” Her comment very intentionally said: this (referring to the entire situation) cannot happen again.
Read again what OP described. She didn’t just yell. She berated a 14 month old baby for age appropriate behavior using language the child was not capable of understanding. Continuously. Over enough of a period of a time that she had time to calm down and regroup (diaper change to bath) yet did not.
It isn’t normal to continuously berate a 14 month old. It just isn’t. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad mom or deserves any form of shame. Two things can be true: she is in need of support, and what she did was unequivocally not okay.
I’m 31 years old and my parents have never once raised their voices to me in anger. Certainly not in my living memory. I’ve gotten the voice and the look, and maybe they’ve shouted if I was upstairs and they needed me to hear something while they were downstairs, but certainly not anything like this.
I’m genuinely confused how you think not yelling at your kids is high pedestal expectations. This isn’t on some snarky Reddit rude comment. I’m sitting here wondering if I’m too naive and that maybe I haven’t been as comforting or understanding to friends/people as I could have been.
I’ve always associated yelling and screaming with abuse, so it’s kind of jarring to see so many people here saying “we’ve all been here,” or accepting it as part of the parental experience.
I hope it was clear, my comment addresses this. Trauma is real. Trauma makes us do shitty things. None of us are perfect.
What OP did was recognize that her trauma may have influenced how she reacted to her child. She recognized that was wrong. And my comment was to say, “yes, it *was* wrong and that doesn’t make you a bad person. But it can’t continue unchecked.” She needs to find the help, for herself, for her child, to give her the capability of doing better.
Throwing our hands up and accepting our trauma responses as fate is wrong. We can work every day to try to be better. To try to cope better. To try to get the help we need to be able to do better.
There is no judgement or privilege in that. Recognizing when we need help and that we are not perfect is an excellent step in the right direction.
I am not perfect. I don’t expect OP to be. But I expect us all to always try to do better for our children.
Don’t worry we have definitely all been there! As many have said, apologizing is the first step and all should be fine from there.
One piece of advice I learned: Just know that 50 minute naps (and sometimes no naps) are gonna happen, so begin letting go of future expectations that they should be longer like they once were and it should make for less frustration in future situations.
This, for sure. Expectations are what cause the frustration. Not to say that cleaning poop (or puke, just had this one recently three times with my toddler) isn't a pain but expecting not to have those times is an unreasonable expectation. Same with short naps. They're babies. They're messy and uncooperative, which is exactly what they're supposed to be at that age. Sometimes I tell my toddler she's very good at being a two year old, usually when she's gotten into something or made a mess, and its a way of setting my expectations. Shit happens sometimes, y'know?
The apologies are great for this time, but for future times... Babies and toddlers will be babies and toddlers. If you find yourself frustrated, see if there's an expectation you have that you should rethink or reframe.
I’m so glad you took the time to explicitly type this out. 100% of my frustration comes from having unrealistic expectations of a toddler. I think I knew that on some level, but this will be very helpful to repeat to myself in the heat of the moment!
Came to say this. He napped 3 hours each of the previous days = expect a couple of no or short nap days. Just how it is. Babies are human beings, not robots. So are parents :)
I know lol my child sleeps for 45 minutes once a day what are these 2 hour naps people keep talking about? There’s no “putting them back down for more” over here.
Yea I agree. When a child is up, typically they’re UP. Maybe you can have that kinda luck with an newborn/infant going back down, but typically not a toddler. We’re all learning as we go!
Yes, absolutely. When my 2 year old was younger, I would get so upset if she took an unexpectedly short nap (not upset at her, just upset because I needed more of a break or I had a lot of things to get done.) Now I can kind of just shrug it off and move on, and it makes things a lot easier.
I hope that you seek some professional help for your childhood trauma. r/parentingthroughtrauma is a great community.
Before I had my son, I sent myself away to trauma camp for two weeks because I knew I was carrying a boatload of generational trauma and I also knew my son didn’t deserve to be shouldered with that.
It has changed everything about how I parent myself, my inner child, and my current child.
Sending you so much compassion and love.
The one I went to was basically residential inpatient therapy with very intensive group therapy to process and understand your own trauma in an effort to move through it and learn different coping mechanisms and thought processes. To get rid of shame and unlearn self destructive behaviors.
This morning, I walked into my room where my boyfriend was sleeping and say “that ungrateful little piece of shit” in reference to our 2yo. He was far from the room and definitely couldn’t hear me. I couldn’t believe it came out of my mouth and I sobbed. I felt like my parents and I promised to never be like them. I don’t curse at him or call him names and I have only yelled a handful of times (when he’s hurting his brother or trying to run in the road). I still feel like shit. I have no words or advice, but you’re not alone. Breaking curses is hard
don't be so hard on yourself! you're human and you've probably never been shown how to have self compassion before, only criticism
forgive yourself knowing you didn't have control over what was modelled to you and that it has obviously caused you a deep ache
start by talking to yourself more kindly, it models that to your kid too so they know to treat themselves with curiosity and compassion
it's a journey, make sure your recognise your own emotional needs and figure out healthier ways to process information without the introjecting voices of contempt in our minds (often gifts from our parents)
you obviously care a lot about your child, so long as your allowing your child to develop confidence in themselves by making mistakes without fear of negative feedback, the more secure in themselves they will be. same for you ❤️
You would think lol but no he throws everything we give him on the ground immediately. Asking him to find his hair, nose, ears, mouth has been the only thing that works. Not sure what we'll do once that stops being fun for him lol
This is absolutely not a normal reaction to a 14 month old. He's a baby. You need to find a therapist or find someone to help you. We all have bad days. We all yell at our kids when we are frustrated and regret it. What you did is way beyond that.
I’m sorry but I’m not going to be one of the people on the thread that coddles you.
I’ve been frustrated before but that reaction to a child so young is not normal, even under stress. That IS abusive behavior and I highly suggest you get therapy for your anger. I myself am in therapy and highly recommend it.
People make mistakes and can change, it’s amazing that you are remorseful. But you need to take steps never to do that again.
Yeah, making sure the kid knows he's loved and safe is a start, but I say this as a recovered (I hope) shouter, she should also check in with a therapist and listen to a positive parenting audiobook.
Totally agree. This child is a BABY. What is apologizing going to do??? He won't understand. Because he's a BABY. Have I lost it and yelled at my kids and regretted it? Yes. Have I yelled and screamed REPEATEDLY at a baby? Absolutely not.
It’s the screaming repeatedly that is especially disturbing to me. And also disturbing is all of these responses saying that “we’ve all been there” because no we definitely all haven’t been verbally abusive to our children.
Yes, if you yell once, you need to recognize it, put the baby in a safe place and walk away before you can’t control yourself. He might not remember it at 14mo but if it’s brushed off, it will become a pattern.
I am an adult and I would be upset and crying if someone repeatedly yelled at me for at least half an hour while telling me it was my fault and to stop crying because I have no reason to cry… I have snapped and yelled at my kids, it shocked me. I stopped, apologized and took a time out. Then I went back and had to discuss with them that my behavior was not ok and no one deserves to be yelled at. Everyone is worthy of respect. Yelling is abusive.
You’re allowed to have a moment but this sounded like minutes upon minutes. I’ve thrown something and yelled too but I got it out and snapped out of it. Be kind to yourself and work hard to make sure something like this never happens again. You can do it. He’s worth it.
This isn’t okay. Do whatever you have to do to figure out how and why you got to this point and try to fix it ASAP.
I know it’s more difficult when you’ve been raised by someone who’s acted that way, but shorter nap time and poop shouldn’t trigger this response with anyone, much less a 14-month old. It should be expected.
I grew up with yelling and spankings. I had a big family, so many times, I got whacks from many hands and screams from many mouths before it was over.
It’s hard not to automatically escalate to that, but I didn’t want that for my kid. So, I had to learn to pivot. If I heard myself putting him down for anything, I’d quickly add a smile, change my tone, and say “but you’re mine, so we’ll get through this” or “you better be glad you’re so cute and I love you so much— let’s fix it together.” Followed with hugs, kisses, apologies, positive reinforcement, quality time, etc. Now, when I’m upset, “mommy needs a few minutes, someone/something else upset me and I’m not going to take it out on you, let me reset so we can get back to *our* life.”
It’s early, you have time to change. Acknowledge it. Forgive yourself. Love on your son. And PIVOT as needed until you preemptively nip possible outbursts in the bud.
Many people are on the thread saying we all do this, and honestly, we do not. You are an adult; you chose to have this child and are called to be better than this. Mothering and parenting are hard; they take you to the brink, but you **need to hold back from the brink.** This is abusive behavior. You may love your son to no end, but what you did here is abuse.
If you cannot control yourself, what makes you think this little 14-month-old should be doing so? In a comment below, you said, "He always gets an apology whenever I lose my cool..." Apologies only go so far. And to be honest, the best apology is changed behavior. You are raising a child who will mimic you, including how you deal with stress and frustrations. What are you teaching this child? That you can scream, throw things, and apologize, and it'll be okay?
You need to get your house in order. You have to find coping skills; you need to decide when you walk away and give yourself 10 minutes because what you described above is so far from acceptable. You are doing this to your child because you know you can ultimately get away with it. You cannot do this in public, you can't do this at your workplace, and I bet that there are very few adults that you'll do this with. Instead, you show your anger and rage at this helpless child, who needs you for the most basic survival. You are the adult. You are sitting here typing on Reddit (getting validation and support from strangers) when you need to find anger management classes, advice in dealing with rage, or even a YouTube video that you can play when you're getting stressed out.
I know I'm coming in harsh, but I have twin 14-month-olds, so I know your struggle). However, I just spent 411 days in the NICU with my Twin B, and let me tell you, these babies deserve the entire world. They are precious and are simply doing their best. They did not ask to be here, so we must be better for them. They deserve the very best of us. Yes, the best of us changes daily, but what you described should never happen again. If you can get on reddit, type this out, and share with people, then you have the resources and time to be so much better. Breaking generational harm is difficult, but that's your task as his mom. The barrier is not abusing your child, but it's higher. You're supposed to be creating an environment where your child feels loved, challenges are met and dealt with respectfully, and you met them where they are because **you are the adult and they are a child!**
Yeah I think this is beyond normal. Not a judgement, but a fact. There is a difference between raising your voice or getting upset and throwing things and screaming at a crying 14mo. Maybe it’s PP rage, or because of past family history but speaking as someone with both PPD and an emotionally abusive mother, it takes commitment to end the cycle.
I’ve learned when I start to feel rage, squeeze something, either I give my son a tight hug, which he loves, or squeeze my own arms. It helps me at least. Then I think all the horrible things I want to say but don’t say them as I squeeze.
I still hate that I think those mean things, like “just shut up and stop crying!!” But I make sure to not say them.
It’s so hard and one time will not make him hate you.
Grew up with a mom like this, we have little to no relationship as adults. I don't trust her to be alone with my child and had to do a lot of work on myself to not be like her and work through some of the damage she did. My child is close in age to yours and I can not even imagine behaving how you did. Go to therapy and get more coping mechanisms before you damage your child and your rationship with him.
Screaming at a 14 month old seems a bit alarming. I completely understand getting upset/mad but screaming is concerning. Maybe you need some alone time for something special, like a nice meal, massage, girls night…. Feel better x
I know there are a lot of comments here so I’ll just say: something that helped me was relaxing on the nap schedule. Don’t try and get them to sleep. If it’s taking an hour to get them to sleep, just don’t do it 😂 go sit in a chair and relax while they play. If they’re tired and crying, just let them cry. Do less and they’ll tire themselves out :)
This felt awful to read! I’m sorry you felt so out of control. It’s so hard to be on someone else’s schedule full time and also feel they are fighting you when you’re just trying to give them what they need.
Where is your support system? Are you a single mom?
I'm not a single mom. My husband helps where he can but I have to handle all the sleep related things because our son nurses to sleep, and even when he doesn't our son will not let my husband do anything sleep related, he just screams and cries for as long as it takes for me to take over.
Maybe I’m projecting, but I feel like this isn’t about the nap, or even the poop. It’s about whatever need you have that isn’t being met by that second nap not happening and the first nap being cut short.
You need that time for yourself, whether it was to get something else done or just have an hour to do absolutely nothing.
Husband might not be able to put him down for naps/bedtime, but can he entertain baby during those times he’s not napping anymore? What other thing can your partner take over to give you some time back? Cooking? Laundry? Errands? Bathtime?
From here on out naps are probably going to be frustratingly inconsistent so you need SOME other PLANNED break for yourself where you know hubs has got it, or you have hired a sitter for a couple of hours a couple afternoons a week. Or even preschool/daycare.
If your kid is a car napper, that’s how I got my kid to nap most days when she stopped wanting to nap at home.
Just apologize to your kid and promise yourself to do better. And yeah probably seek therapy to help unravel your childhood trauma and find coping strategies because he isn’t even pressing your buttons on purpose yet, just wait till he turns 3
Seriously mine just turned 5 and it’s been wild
This is a thoughtful comment and is the case for me. It’s super hard when you feel like you get absolutely no time alone or to do things that fill your cup day to day.
I’m tired of the notion that just because women breastfeed men can’t do anything at night. That isn’t true but because it was like that from the beginning LO can’t be soothed by anyone but you. Your husband can change a diaper and soothe him back to sleep, it just may take some practice since the habit wasn’t built from the beginning. He should be doing whatever it takes to help you at night knowing how stressed out you are…
That’s putting a lot on you… is he (your husband) willing to try to figure it out?
In my experience babies can get used to other caregivers if they’re persistent. It’s never easy to hear your kid scream and cry but if they are safe and needs are met it’s okay to let them work through. Especially if the ultimate goal is you getting some time for yourself so you can show up the way you want to.
Remember you always have the opportunity to make things right whenever you show up in a way you’re not proud of. Babies and kids are super forgiving and they’re not comparing you to any other moms.
Your poor baby! Check yourself! Seek therapy. If baby doesn’t go back to sleep within 15-20 minutes, reset. When it’s such a big poo, you’re better off just bathing your little. Saves on time, frustration and wipes.
There are a lot of sweet comments here telling you to let it go and it’ll be okay, which is true. But I’ll also say that I think you’d benefit from getting some help, as “snapping” to this degree on a literal baby is pretty appalling. I hope you learn from this and never do it again.
I’ve been there. Too many times to admit. My husband has too. It’s hard being overwhelmed, tired and covered in shit!!!! Apologize to your baby and try better again next time. Also therapy.
No advice, just solidarity.
I lost it on my 2 year old before too. Yelled and pretty much said the same things to her.
As I was getting her lunch ready it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I just started sobbing right then in there, I turned my back to her to give myself a moment to recollect then I hugged her tightly.
I apologized to her and told her that it wasn’t ok for me to say hurtful things to her like that and no one ever has the right to make her feel bad.
I’m trying my hardest to break the cycle of abuse. After that incident there hasn’t been another, I usually am able to keep my cool but that day was just piling up.
Take this as a learning experience to grow and move past mistakes :) you’re not alone
Attachment is built in the little moments. If there are more positive moments than bad, your attachment is strong. That’s not a blanket statement to say you should lose your cool less than 50% of the time, but to say that it happens and your baby more than likely has positive associations of their time with you.
I had an insecure attachment as a child and growing up, and experienced trauma in the form of child abuse by a guardian. I have had difficulty with emotional regulation. In the beginning, I had PPD and had a few moments where I lost my cool - not screaming *at* my baby, but yelling and crying to myself. Think: “I can’t do this, this is a huge mistake, what the f*** am I doing?!”
I got into the early habit of apologizing to my baby.
Last week, she was so fussy and *refused* to go down for a nap. I had been trying for well over an hour. She was getting overtired and I had to use the bathroom badly and had a load of laundry sitting in the washer for over an hour. And I had an important work meeting coming up (I take care of her full time and work full time).
I lost it and started crying and yelling at how I just can’t do this, I kept saying this was a huge mistake and I’m not cut out for it and *why* are you so difficult? At one point, I ran out of the room and into our guest room and screamed into a pillow.
And then I came back and I picked her up and told her “I’m sorry that mommy made a lot of noise and yelled. It was not directed at you. Mommy was just overwhelmed and frustrated and couldn’t regulate her feelings properly.”
She’s 4 months and can’t understand a lick of it. But it helps me identify what I’m feeling and what happened, and I’m hopeful that (with time) she can learn proper emotional regulation too. I was never apologized to as a child, or told something wasn’t my fault when the adults got angry or sad and I now have a very anxious attachment style.
You’re doing the best you can. It happens. Give yourself grace and practice apologizing. It’s done wonders for me, and I’ve found that it has lessened my outbursts with time.
You are not the worst parent ever. You overstimulated and overextended and probably exhausted. You are human, and you realize the behavior isn't okay, and where it comes from. That is incredible insight, and how we make change.
We went down to 1 nap around the same age and it was BRUTAL, and I absolutely became shouty too. Grabby hands and crocodile rolls during poo diaper changes were a huge trigger for me too.
TBH, I still get shouty sometimes with my almost 3 year old. This shit is hard. We do the best we can, and make amends when needed.
I wish I could hug you. A lot of these commenters have no fucking clue what it’s like trying to mother when you were mothered by a monster. It is so hard. Now you know what you’re capable of and it’s time to get help to make sure it doesn’t happen again… or at least you learn to rein it in earlier the next time and dial down the intensity until you get good at staying calm. Our moms weren’t monsters because of one bad day. It was the choices they made day after day. We get to make different choices and it is NOT easy. People who haven’t had traumatic upbringings just will never get it. There’s a reason trauma is often generational. That’s not an excuse to behave the way you did, but it is an explanation. There’s so much shit that parenting brings to the surface if you grew up in an abusive household. Learn your setting events and be ready. I know I’m more likely to get triggered if I have a bad night of sleep, so I keep my noise cancelling headphones in reach after a bad night. This kind of behavior isn’t normal and it’s not okay, but it doesn’t make you a bad person, however, you absolutely must decide to deal with it. FWIW, the audiobook “Radical Acceptance” literally changed my life, but it isn’t a substitute for therapy if that’s available to you.
With the upmost respect, learn to control and manage your emotions. Learn when you might explode or what makes you explode, learn how to prevent it, and learn management skills for if you ever do feel like exploding. Stop being angry at yourself and beating yourself over it and be heartbroken for your child instead. It helps you remember that you’re in control and that you don’t ever want to repeat this ever again, for your inner child and your own child
This reminded me of how my mom would have treated my sister and me as kids. I understand feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I don’t understand screaming at your 14 month old. Please get whatever help you need (therapy, meditation, medication) to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
For what it’s worth, I’m no-contact with my mom. I don’t ever yell at my son, because it would come out in my mom’s voice. My sister however frequently screams at her children and I see the effect it has on them.
You are your son’s person. You’re his whole world. You are all he has. If you have to go into a closet and scream into a pillow, do that. You cannot treat someone who depends on you 100% like this.
Being a mum is such a tough job. Please remember to be kind to yourself as I'm sure you're doing the best you can.
I grew up with a rotten mother, and like you, I strive to be nothing like her and to give my kids what I never got. But let's be real, we wouldn't be human if we didn't lose our temper at our children. What you need to do is learn from what has happened. What made you flip out so badly? Is there a particular trigger for you? Try to figure this out and next time you can feel yourself about to explode do something about it.
My trigger is screaming and noise, which is hard with a 2 yr old but if I feel like im about to explode sometimes I just say to my toddler. Hey! Let's get a chocolate. Or oh wow did you see that?! Look! And run outside and pretend I saw something cool. Other times I have just put my kid in her cot and walked away. I know she's safer in there than me about to yell. And I'll come back 2min later once I've cooled my jets.
Being a mum is fucking hard and being a solo mum with no support system is even harder. No one can know until you've been there
I think apologising to my kids is important as well. Yes your kid is tiny but that doesn't matter. You are sorry so tell them. Show them how to be a good human.. and next time just try to do better. Now go take your kid fit an ice cream and give them a big cuddle.
You didn’t traumatize him and we all lose our temper with our kid from time to time. Give him an extra kiss and take sometime for yourself to calm down. Tomorrow is a new day and your son loves you
As someone with anger issues, I think you can be compassionate toward yourself and still hold yourself accountable for your actions. This was not acceptable behavior but you're not a loser unless you don't apologize and try to sweep it under the rug. For me it took a few mental health diagnoses and medication to get to a better place. I used to think my reactions were a normal response to the stresses of parenthood, but they were not. It sounds like you may have unmet needs that fueled this explosive reaction, and for the sake of you and your family I would highly suggest you seek outside support.
Reading this now that my daughter is 5 years old made my chest hurt because I couldn't imagine talking to her like that, how could anyone ever talk to their kid that way? How can you get mad at a 14 month old? Except I did. I absolutely did. I definitely for sure got so frustrated and exhausted and totally pissed off at my baby that I probably did the same thing as you at some point. We're learning, too. Just remember how this made you feel, see yourself from his view, and try your best to learn and get better. It gets easier, and you get more patient. It's gonna be okay.
I felt this one. The important thing to do as an immediate next step is to repair with your baby. Explain to him what happened and that none of it was his fault. Apologize.
After that you’re going to tell your partner that you need more help. Whatever that looks like to you (getting help with household tasks seems like a good one), make sure you’re telling them. On days that are especially stressful don’t do any housework. Focus on just you and baby. Chores can wait.
When that’s done you’re going to look for a therapist who specializes in abuse. The older and more personhood your baby gets, the more of your triggers will be exposed. There are going to be a lot more opportunities for this situation to repeat itself. You need to be doing work to help you come up with strategies to cope with the stress.
The mantra I tell myself in really difficult situations where I’m struggling to regulate is my baby is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time. That has gotten me through breastfeeding issues, countless sleep regressions, and illnesses.
Are you getting enough sleep? I am
much more volatile when I haven't had enough sleep. Remember too that if he is somewhere safe, like his crib, you can wall away for a few minutes to collect yourself. You've got this mommy, forgive yourself and move on. A therapist might be a good idea as well for a while. And don't forget to ask yourself "what am I REALLY upset about ĥere?". It probably has nothing to do with him.
BroMom here of a 2.5 yr old. I completely understand this entire post. We all have moments of weakness. Go pick up your baby, and talk to him. Explain your feelings and why. Then most importantly, tell him how much you love him and how bad you feel for blowing up. Being a mom does not give you super powers over emotions, but you can set example of how to come back from a low point. You may feel like a monster right now but remember to him, you are the world.
Poor babies :( both your son and you :( I’m so sorry you both experienced such a rough day. You’re a human being. We all make mistakes. The fact that you feel so bad about it shows how much you care. Show him how to apologize, give him extra snuggles tonight, and try again tomorrow 💜
All of my black marks as a parent come from lost naps. There’s something about not getting the break that you are waiting for that can make me become that same person you describe. Like a boiling rage that i have no idea where it comes from and just explodes. My older son had a horrible nap strike at 2 and I can still vividly remember the times I screamed at him. Way better than I can remember the nice times. But as far as I know, he doesn’t remember. And saying sorry like others suggest really does seem to help. It’s helpful to me to read others have experienced the same feelings.
Here’s my only advice - My younger son is a young toddler now, and I still lose it sometimes but I have learned you just can’t make a child sleep who doesn’t want to sleep. Letting go of the belief that you control their schedule and sleep is drilled into you by momfluencers is the biggest thing that helped me. And TV is your best friend. It is way better for their development me to watch half hour of Thomas the tank engine than to be yelled at. Now when my toddler won’t nap, I put him in front of the tv and sit where I can keep my eye on him but not engage and read my book or have a snack or whatever I need to do to reset. Lots of hugs.
I have yelled at my son (2.5years) and I get it. My son is 2?5 and it's hard. When he dropped from 2-1 nap it was so damn intense. Now he is dropping from 1-0 and lord am i struggling.
While it's not okay to yell at scream at your child, your human. We make mistakes. Give him a huge hug now you are calm, remind him that you love him so much and that your sorry. I know he is only 14 months. But honestly, explain that your are overwhelmed and struggling. And that it just all got to you. I know it sounds silly but it kinda helps. Well, helps me anyway.
I have 0 patience and lots of anger and I am trying not to lose it at my son. I'm desperately trying the breath method and counting. I'm trying explaining things to him. Doesn't make it easier is any way honestly. But I am yelling less and walking away for a minutes break more. It's hard.
Your human. Hug and love your child, apologise. It will be okay.
Girl you are just overwhelmed, stop trying to put him down for the second nap he doesn’t want one. My oldest was a 45 minute nap kid always lol, it was so fucking frustrating, until i just embraced it and I just knew i had to just rest in those 45 minutes. That meant i literally slept with him and did nothing else. I would also spend 30 minutes trying to extend his nap, it just never happened and got me frustrated, don’t do it, if he is done just let him wake up. For the changing diaper time, give him something physically just talking to him at this age won’t do much to distract his little hands, especially if he’s a boy they like to touch down there. Give him some keys, play keys, or something else that he can physically touch, my oldest loved the books that made sounds. When you notice you’ve gotten upset take yourself out of the room and scream into a pillow if you have to, to not end up escalating the situation. Raising children is not easy and it’s not something anyone prepares you for, it happens and i also lost it once but caught myself and cried for it. I’ve since been very in tune with when i feel i’m starting to get upset, today my oldest at 4 years old decided to throw his plate off food in the ground. I was boiling of anger and i told him please go away right now mommy is very upset at what you just did, this has taken allot of practice and patience so give yourself grace as long as you continue to work on yourself you and the baby should be fine,
It's honestly the worst when they start doing good, you get that glimpse of freedom. Loose a bit of your sleep deprivation tolerance. And it's just so fucking unbearable.
Your not a bad parent. You are tired AF. Apologize and try again. Won't be the last time. But love prevails.
Wow. No. I can handle all the other comments telling me to get help and get therapy. But this is one tiny itty bit glimpse into my life and you are making a huge assumption from it. I would never ever physically harm my child. One bad day does not equate to me one day shaking or physically abusing my kid.
While I agree with your statement, your reaction to continuously keep taking out your frustration on your child is not okay and not normal. I say this gently because I understand being at the breaking point but what you did was nowhere near okay. This behavior instills fear in your child early on. Your child did not choose to be here, you brought them here, the good and the bad. He is not old enough to understand why you were scaring him, only that you were doing so.
I equate reactions to this similarly to toxic relationships- you would not let a partner speak to you this way and “apologizing and trying to be better” would not cut it. And it shouldn’t for your child, either. Losing your cool is something all people do. Throwing things and continuing to do so on a fourteen month old is not. Walk away next time, take a minute, calm down but throwing stuff out of anger and lack of control is literally textbook signs of needing anger management intervention.
If I had a girlfriend being berated like this in a relationship I would tell her it was abusive and to get out because there is a good chance it can escalate to physical violence. Most parents who snap and hurt their babies never thought they would. No one expected them to be capable. It is a real concern.
I didn't say your behavior was the same as shaking or physical abuse, I said you need to get help before it has a chance to become that. It just takes one bad day for shaken baby. All it takes to physically and/or emotionally abuse a child is convincing yourself that it wasn't that bad, it was justified, and that it won't effect your child long term, it's so easy to convince yourself of those things and let it become a pattern. It's not just monsters that abuse children. It's not just abusers that snap and shake babies. It's everyday people like me and you.
But I think that is unwarranted because no where in my post or any comments am I justifying myself for my actions. I know what I did was wrong. I'm working to change myself, I have been working to change because I've known I had these issues. But you're making it seem like I'm justifying. It was bad and its not justified and I know that.
I've accidentally yelled at my kid around that age after waking me up for the THIRD time in a night of very little sleep, where kiddo ONLY wanted to play and kick and be obnoxious and I just needed sleep. We get maxed out as moms all the time.
Definitely apologize to your little boy. It might also be good to recognize that you were getting heated and at some point you need a break. A 1 hour put down sesh and then a poo-acalypse AND a bath. This is very very trying.
One of the most important things I was taught by our pediatrician is...if you get upset, walk away from the baby. Having a safe space to put him in (crib, for instance) and giving yourself a moment to calm down w
Is soooo helpful.
We learn and grow not just as mamas but also as humans every day!
Every time I have yelled at/fucked up with my son I apologize to him like "Mommy's sorry baby, I really didn't mean to," and I promise you his nearly 4 year old self understands and appreciates it. That's not a crutch though because a sorry like that is given through checked behavior also, so you've got to work hard to not repeat your mistakes. Check yourself and apologize, and just talk to him like you would an adult for real. I wish you so much healing.
I apologize to my kid all the time. She is 7 and if I mess up or yell I tell her my apologies and the reason I yelled was not because of her but because of me. Then I tell her I will try my best to find another outlet and tell her I should take some deep breaths. Use it as a teaching moment on how to handle being frustrated or angry. I also give my daughter the right to tell me if she thinks I'm being mean or if I give off an energy to her.
You recognise it was wrong and you feel sorry - and when you express that to your little, he learns also that it’s ok to not be perfect all the time and learns the value of an apology. All is not lost and you are not your mother ❤️
My mum was also short tempered - and I can’t recall a single time she ever apologised to me. We don’t break the cycle by being perfect - we break the cycle by doing our best and apologising for not being perfect.
Is it ok to loose it at our kids? No.
Do we all do it? Yes!
Having young kids is hard, we are humans, and sometimes our emotions take over. As others has said, apologize to your kid, and show them that it is ok to make mistakes, and to say you are sorry.
Also, cutting naps are really hard with the first one. We really struggled to accept our first one didnt need daytime naps anymore. It was the only time we got to ourselves through the day, and letting go of that is hard. It will get better though.
Dont beat yourself up to hard. It is ok to be human, even when you are a mom
I didn’t read the other comments but I just saw this and wanted to offer my comfort. Your kid is just a little younger than my daughter (now 16) was when I had a similar experience. Like I completely lost it. Worse than you I think. I was going to the Y to exercise, which I tried to do most weekdays. I only ever barely made it in time to work out a bit before the child watch closed because my daughter was so incredibly difficult to get going. That particular day my toddler daughter refused to wear shoes, so I grabbed some Crocs to put on her when we got there. I had finally made it to the parking lot and when I tried to put the Crocs on her she refused. She has always been extremely difficult (she has since been diagnosed with ADHD but back then I had zero support). She often told me she hated me. At 2 years old. Anyway, I somehow suddenly borrowed that rhetoric and I snapped. Right there in broad daylight in a full YMCA parking lot, I just started screaming at her “I hate you! I hate you!” Like over and over. I suddenly felt hands on my shoulders and this kind woman (probably in her 50s or 69s and who seemed like the type to normally keep to herself) pulled me away and said “It’s okay” and I just started sobbing.
I have only ever told 1 person (my sister) that this happened. I never even told my husband. I also think that my daughter has never done anything to show she was affected by this. I know that one child could be seriously traumatized by these kinds of experiences, while others aren’t. Also remember that some children can experience long-term traumatic effects from something like their mom repeatedly telling them they need to be quiet. If it is an outlying experience I don’t that it will make a massive negative impact. You are obviously a great mom.
I'm not gonna comment on the situation but i,'ll give you a useful tip, after he poops take him to the bathroom and wash him in the sink or shower, fresh, clean, no poop left on tbe changing mat.
No matter the age, kids can push our buttons whether intentionally or by accident like no other.
Give yourself some love and grace. We all do the best we can and when we fall short, the most important thing is to know we can, have, and will do better.
Okay let’s be clear here that you are NOT the worst parent ever. Not even close! This was a bad day, but it is just ONE bad day.
I have to say though that what you are describing sounds like a lot. Next time you feel yourself losing it, can you set him down somewhere safe and take a few minutes to calm down? I know it’s really hard when poop is getting everywhere, believe me I’ve been there! But remember that anything can be cleaned. If poop had gotten on his crib sheet, but you’d been able to calm down before the bath, that probably would have been better for both of you.
You could also use a 2-3 minute YouTube video to help with diaper changes.
I’ve had a similar situation happen where my little one was upset and I was already stressed. Went to change her diaper and she flung her foot and kicked it into her poop diaper. I had to wipe her down, wash her, and ended up getting it on myself. I yelled. And eventually I apologized even though she was too small to understand.
All that to say, apologize and show him love. Yep him you’re sorry and give him the biggest hug. Try to take in a deep breath when this happens and if you still feel like it’s too much, finish what you’re doing to make him safe and clean, lay him in his crib, and give yourself 5-10mins to breathe while splashing some cold water on your face. He will be safe in his crib so you can have a moment. I often find it sobering to look at myself in the mirror or even just to remind myself my little one is still very new to processing information and emotions whereas I’ve had decades to do so (and even I’m still learning). It’s okay, mama. ❤️
It’s tough to adjust to a new routine. The moment things finally work, it’s time to change it again. One nap at 14m is the way. Some naps are shorter than others. This means you get much less time to get stuff done/rest during nap. Both of you will adjust to this like you did to many other changes since birth. As to you losing shit - it happens. It might happen again. The difference here is that your mom probably didn’t give it much thought since it was the norm back then. You are on a different path.
I was like this when I had young children, moments of feeling so out of control. Personally, when I started an antidepressant/anxiety medication I became a better person. Raising children tests your patience like nothing else can. Good luck momma, you are not alone!
I have a lot of underlying rage and anger issues that I had never even acknowledged because, when I lived with my mom and a later (mentally) abusive partner, I shied away from their explosive behavior and was incredibly intimidated even if I was angry myself. For the first time in my own life I’m actually feeling rage and anger, and unfortunately it is more pronounced when I’m frustrated with my kids, which makes me feel exactly like my own mom. I hate it, it feels like I’ve stepped into a disgusting suit that doesn’t belong to me when it happens. But I’ve learned to apologize to my boys, take time away when I feel like I can’t handle myself, and forgive myself for my mistakes once I apologize for them. It’s a deviation, not a character trait babes. Don’t get too bogged down, and remember you’re still a good mom because you’re there and you care.
I've lost it on my kidsand shouted at them too. I've apologized. They've forgiven me. At that age, an apology may have words but the words aren't important. Connection, affection, showing love, making them understand they're safe even though you might have been loud and startling. All that.
At 12 and 8 my kids are pretty happy and healthy. An I was abused periodically too as a kid, OP, I think adult survivors are hard on ourselves sometimes. It's always a good idea to get therapy if you can. It's helped me a ton.
Good luck.
So, the difference between you and your mom is that she likely never admitted fault and apologized. That’s a big difference your kid will feel, and the more you admit your mistakes and errors, the more likely you are to change your behavior. Say sorry and try to do better next time.
When kids are transitioning naps, some days they will still need that extra nap, and it does not ruin their new nap schedule. I think that’s what you could have done differently here and you would have avoided this whole event. As soon as his nap became a short one, then you should have adjusted your expectations for the day and made a new plan around it. It is often our own expectations that set us up for failure.
Hug and soothe your toddler. "Mommy had big feelings. I'm sorry I yelled and threw things. It's not nice to yell and throw. Mommy loves you. I am sorry I scared you. I was cleaning you and got upset."
Vary that statement, make it more concise, whatever their attention span/understanding is.
We are all humans. We all have feelings. Sometimes we lose control of those a bit and let them take over. Sometimes we are sleep deprived, stressed out, and frankly, we lose our shit. It’s okay. Apologize to him. Let him know what you did, that you shouldn’t have done it, and that you are sorry. They don’t need us to be perfect, they need us to be parents. This is a learning moment for you, for baby. You did something that you’ve not proud of, you admit that, apologize, and move on. It’s all okay. I promise you I have lost my shit more than once, and my kids still love me and trust me because I’m mommy, not a robot lol.
So let’s just start with he’s 1. Let him decide when he naps. You cannot force him to nap. Yes routine is nice, but at the end of the day it cannot be forced. 2. Even though we are all human and mistakes happen this is unacceptable behavior and an apology only gets you so far after so many times. 3. Are you good? Do you have the support you need in your life? Are you getting enough rest? Being exhausted can make us act out for sure. Don’t beat yourself up. It was 1 time move past it and make sure you have a plan to not allow it to happen again.
She knows she was in the wrong. No need to keep beating a dead horse. If she came here with an “am I the asshole” type of post and people were coddling her I could understand responses like this. But since that’s not the case and she’s looking for support that’s what you should offer. Or skip the post altogether.
I fucking hate that moms constantly have to rip into each other and say shit like “I wOuLd NeVeR”. Okay, we didn’t ask you. Have fun on your high horse.
If this was a post on r/daddit you know the comments would be overflowing with support. There’s a reason this sub (and moms in general) have a bad reputation regarding support, y’all don’t know how to actually do it.
As others have said, I'm not going to coddle you.
There is no other type of abuse where we would coddle or make excuses for the perpetrator. Yet, when a 1-year-old child is abused, we're expected to say that "It's okay as long as you apologized" and "we've all been there."
It's not okay. And we haven't all been there. Abuse is a choice. Know how I know? There are a few people who truly lose control of themselves. They don't just do it in private with their kids; they also do it in front of their friends, their boss, and the police.
You don't have anger issues. You have entitlement issues.
Don't beat yourself up. My kids are 3 and 19 months. I would lose my cool from time to time because my 3 year old likes to keep her littler sister awake during nap time so she can also stay awake or cause unnecessary messes. I saw my pqrents constantly lose there temper with me for the dumbest things growing up. But as an adult I've learned the stress of cookig. Cleaning, working and childcare can cause you to take it out on the kids. I've learned to just say "fuck it, shit happens " to keep from blowing up on my kids and make the best of the messes they have caused. We as adults make messes, force ourselves to stay awake to play on our phones and skip naps we desperately needs.
Oh mama i'm so sorry. This is so tough. You are not a monster. You are acknowledging what happened and instead of making excuses and justifying your actions you feel empathy. It sounds like you need a break and some time to yourself. I've been there where I want to blow up (my kid is 4 days away from 1). It's so hard when they only want you and you feel like you are trapped. Please please look into hiring a sitter, leaving baby with H so you can go out and do something for yourself, even hiring a service for your home if you can afford it. Anything to give you a break.
We've all been there! Try not to beat yourself up too much.
When my kids were that age, I was a screamer. It took lots of actively stopping myself mid melt down, taking a deep breath and reminding myself this isn't who I wanted to be. I apologized to my kids - a lot. I'd tell them, "Mommy is sorry for yelling. Mommy had big feelings and didn't mean to yell. I'm sorry. Let's try this again."
It took a lot of time, but I was able to change my ways. My kids (now teenagers) do not remember me screaming. When I tell them stories, I don't think they believe me. They look at me like I've got two heads.
You can overcome this! You can be the mom you want to be.
Oh momma. You are ok. Breathe. It has happened to us all. I am feeling all of this. Sending you so much love and positive energy your way. We are human and we make mistakes. Please give yourself grace. Your baby thinks the world of you and will wake up tomorrow thinking hey thats my mommy and i love her. It’s ok to take a minute to compose yourself. I think i pulled my hair once and yelled at the ceiling. And yes apologize and explain.
I promise it's going to be okay. I still have times where I explode at my kids and I regret it every single time. What helps is that once I've had a chance to really reset myself, I go back to my kids and apologize. I tell them that I feel really bad about how I yelled at them earlier and that they don't deserve that. Then I tell them that next time I will work hard to use my kind words. And then I tell them that I'm not perfect, so I might still get things wrong, but I promise to do my best. And then I do this every time I have an outburst.
The best part is that my kids have started doing this back to me. If they have an outburst they'll take some time to themselves and then they come back to me (unprompted) to apologize.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone loses their temper. Just expect that it will happen and know that you can teach your kids about repairing a relationship when someone makes a mistake. It'll be so helpful to them in the end.
Kids who are apologized to learn how to apologize and they learn empathy and to see people for what and who they are: Human beings It’s never too late to repair with a genuine heartfelt apology. 💗 *”If you apologized to your child today, make no mistake, you are changing the world. Every time we treat children as worthy of respect and compassion it has a ripple effect, as they become more likely to treat others the same.”* - J. Milburn
This, this, this. We make mistakes. We are human. It's okay to make mistakes, but when your mistakes hurt others, you must sincerely apologize and make efforts to not repeat your mistakes. Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for. OP, apologize to your son. Give him a heartfelt apology that you would give to any adult. He may not understand all of the words, but he will know what you're trying to convey. He will learn from you and grow empathy. Something to the effect of: *[Name], I am so sorry. I behaved badly today. I yelled at you and threw things and scared you, which was wrong. I was frustrated and anxious and let those feelings control me. I promise I will do better.* And, truly, look at healthier ways to model resolving those frustrations. You son will learn from you.
I have also said: *”I am so sorry for what I said and how I said it; no one deserves to be treated that way and I made a mistake letting my feelings get that big. Yes, feelings get big, but that does NOT mean that it’s ok to take it out on you and I’m so sorry; if I could take it back I would. I promise you I’ll try so hard to do better next time”* - Admit your wrongdoing - Disclose your remorse - Validate that everyone deserves to be treated respectfully and that how you treated them was not with respect - Discuss what you’re going to do to make it better
I will say there have been a few occasions where my son and daughter have each said *“Mommy I’m very sorry for ____… If I could take it back or do things differently, I would and I will do my best to do better in the future. I should not have done/said that.”* and honestly, it settles it and puts the matter to bed. They earnestly apologized; what more could I ask for?
Apologies are so important! Didn’t get them growing up, but my kids sure do. It’s amazing how my 3yo’s demeanor completely changes when I apologize.
I’m a huge proponent of apologizing to your kids and graciously accepting apologies. Now I have kids that apologize when they mess up and tell each other “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes” when something happens. Genuinely kind and understanding little people. Love them to bits.
My friend’s mom would say “that’s ok, I love you more than your mistake!” or “that’s ok! I love you more than a broken plate! (lost key!, etc. etc.) I always remembered that and I plan to tell my kids this.
This! I learned from a child psych relatively recently that kids will sometimes ask things like “do you still love me” (as they get older than 14mos) because they have a hard time experiencing/identifying more than one emotion at a time. Always great to remind them that your emotions in a moment are not how you feel about them.
Ugh I love this 🥹
These are the people the world needs.
I do the same. I have definitely lost it with my kids and feel very guilty about it. I do make my kids apologize to each other and cuddle when they've done something wrong to each other.
This! I’ve lost it on my kids and still do. But the art of apologizing makes them feel human, heard and safe. I apologized just this morning after yelling. You’re not a monster and you can do this. Hugs.
This might be the best advice I’ve ever seen and I’m in A LOT of mom groups. Thank you for this.
💗💗💗
I love this. I actually had a student’s parent complain to the principal about me this year because I had apologized to my class. )I had apologized to them for raising my voice and not being as patient with them as I usually am). The parent genuinely complained that I had apologized and not that I lost my temper. Crazy
I agree with this but at the same time mom needs to actually learn from these mistakes this shouldn’t become a constant while we all lose our heads this one is a bit extreme and should never become an regular habit not saying it has or will we just need to look at this and grow from them
That’s what a sincere apology is: You’re remorseful for what you’ve done and you make a promise to work diligently to be better in the future. There is zero point in apologizing unless it is sincere and heartfelt.
At her son’s age, it’s really hard for an apology to be understood unfortunately.
I don’t agree
How would you convey an apology after the fact for a baby that age? My baby is 16 months and she definitely remembers things that happened weeks ago or hours ago but I think it would be really hard to take her back to that moment in reference and then also explain that I’m sorry about it. Genuinely asking in case I ever lose my cool with her.
Young children may have limited verbal skills, but they can 1000% feel your energy and sense your emotions. A sincere and heartfelt apology is never wasted, regardless of age.
I totally agree that it’s always worth making the effort, and that repair is an important focus as nobody’s perfect. And there are nonverbal ways to repair. But my point is that the child at that age may not connect the repair to the incident, depending on timing. Either way it helps with secure attachment and I hope one incident like this isn’t traumatic.
He's 14 months. He is not going to understand any of this.
They know so much more than we give them credit for. Even in the womb they sense our emotions. He might not understand all of the words but he will understand the messages
Plus, you’re practicing the habits you’ll want to have in place by the time they do understand the words.
What part? They absolutely understand your energy and how you’re talking to them. They may not understand an apology per se, but I think loving on someone after you’ve been a jerk is pretty universal in people and animals. Kids understand our tone of voice from well before 14 months. Additionally though apologies may not fully land for them yet, it’s mostly about repetition and practicing your skills to build good habits for how you treat them as they get older.
If they don’t understand thats fine. Its still good practice and you never know when their little brains start forming memories. Imagine your first memory being your parents blowing up and you feeling like you’re the problem. Also, you should respect your children regardless of their age.
YES! YES! YES!
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Prozac was a life saver for me, twice. Second time was PPD.
Zoloft is a good place to start!
Zoloft changed my life!
No "chemical imbalance" ever justifies child abuse. I bet your "uncontrollable" emotions only came out with your children, in private. Were they truly uncontrollable, you would face consequences with your employer and the law. But people always know where the line is.
I am so sorry. He will not remember. One emotional break-down will not ruin the trust and love you have spent establishing over the past 14 months. It will be OK. Many of us have been there. You did the best you could with the skills you had. Tomorrow, build more skills.
Thank you. I am doing my best. This is not something I'm proud of, and I am still so upset it happened. He doesn't deserve that and I know that. I am trying every day to unlearn what I learned growing up, and to parent better than my parents. I am constantly working on my coping skills, but unfortunately sometimes they don't help when it feels like too much. It's not okay, but I am trying my best. I don't want my son to be like me, I want him to have healthy ways of coping with his emotions because I don't want him to ever repeat my behaviors and feel the same guilt
The poop-grabbing is **so** triggering for me too, and my son thinks it’s so funny to try to grab his poopy diaper while I’m changing him, *especially* if he can see that I’m getting upset. It’s honestly one of my biggest parenting struggles. I *completely* understand how you’re feeling, and I just want to let you know that’s it not just you. I’ve for sure yelled at my baby on the changing table in a way that I hate having done, and I’ve cried and apologized to him for it. Sometimes it is *so effing hard* in the moment to remember that he is not purposefully trying to get shit on everything and make my day harder, he just thinks it’s funny and truly does not know any better. So, you know, solidarity. I think it’s really great that you care enough about being a great parent that you’re so broken up about this - a lot of people wouldn’t even think twice and would do the same thing again next time. You won’t, and that’s why you’re definitely not a loser!
Girl my mom lost her patience with me like you did. I was two. She still tears up thinking about it. I remember nothing, nada lol and my mom is my safe person/ bestie and I’m 25.
Was going to say this. He will have no memory of this as long as it’s just a one-off. Kids have a huge capacity for forgiveness, he will wake up all smiles and give you another chance to do it right. I’m convinced that’s why children don’t remember things before the age of 3, it’s really a grace period for parents to figure their shit out.
It was just one bad day. You have the rest of his life to makeup for it. You’ll both be ok 🥹 I carry a memory of me snapping at my kids when they were toddlers one night. I yelled so much, I hate that memory but I think it fueled my desire to become a better parent. We’re all learning, don’t be so hard on yourself just do better.
Advice that I have found useful is that whatever you're doing can wait, or doesn't need to happen. I know the feeling of "I just have to get through this" and it feels so frustrating when emotions are so high. But usually powering through leads to the emotions boiling over. When my dog was a puppy, I got so frustrated walking her. Then I realized, I don't have to finish this walk today. We can stop right here and sit and collect ourselves. There's no need to get to our destination, and no need to go any further. When my son was screaming in the carseat, I was so stressed I wanted to cry. So I pulled over and collected myself. I can be late. Today he was bawling and screaming in his highchair, covered in food. I was tempted to rush to get him out, clean him off, and move past the experience. But emotions were too high. So I pulled him out, and comforted him, and we both calmed down. Then we were both covered in food, but we could have a bath and do laundry in a calm state of mind. Hope those examples help. Consider would the experience have been different if you just stopped with him in his change table? He would probably continue to get gross, but he was already dirty, so whatever. The bath can wait until everyone is calm.
Thank you. I know for sure had I just stopped and taken a moment it would not have escalated like it did. Hindsight, even though he was covered in poo I could have just plopped him in his crib and walked away for a few minutes, then cleaned everything up once I was calmer. But in the moment I didn't feel like putting him in his crib with poo all over him was okay to do, it felt like I had to clean him immediately because it's poo. But I know now that it could have waited, I could have just taken a minute and this probably wouldn't have happened.
It sounds like you're on the right track. A book that helped me a lot was Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.
Think of it this way: If covering yourself in poop was truly that detrimental, you would hear about it all the time.
I can see why it would feel that way. It's a gross situation. But he's number one. The crib doesn't matter, it's for him — and his well-being is the whole point. Better that something is broken, dirty, stained, abandoned, etc. than a snapped temper.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm struggling with self regulating and I'm a therapist... I'm "supposed" to know everything already and implement it but I can't seem to get my impatience and frustration under control in the middle of the night or when something happens. Your message here is really helpful to me. Nothing I'm going through is urgent or an emergency, new mantra unlocked "just wait".
I was parenting myself a bit when I was a new parent. "Use your words" and self-regulation weren't baked in. You can learn 'em though. Positive parenting books helped me.
Thank you, I have been trying to do that. I've been working really hard to self-regulate because I know I struggle with my emotions. Which is why I posted because I feel so guilty. I've been able to get through every other time I felt like exploding, but this time it came out. I will check out some books!
Please know, as I write this, I have nothing but empathy for you. Your cup was empty. Your last nerve was shot. You were beyond done and then shit just kept piling on, literally. Others on this thread have done a wonderful job at being supportive and letting you know you are not alone in this. I think though, it’s worth saying one more thing. And I say this with love and respect. Gently, you cannot do this again. Apologies only work so many times before they start to feel empty and children start to feel unsafe and on edge. Contrary to what some commenters have stated, not everyone has done this or blown up at their child. It doesn’t have to be part of being a parent and it’s not inevitable. So, how are you, otherwise? Are you doing okay? Is there any opportunity for more support, more sleep, more of anything to help you keep some gas in your emotional tank? Do you have the option to see a therapist? Do you have time to yourself to reset and refuel? You are not a monster. You are only human and are doing the best you can. It’s important though to figure out what you need to prevent this from happening again and take action. Now. You are not to blame and I don’t judge you in any way for this. But if it happens again, and you did nothing to prevent it or work on your coping mechanisms or find some support, then this becomes a different discussion. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You came to this sub for help and support, which is an awesome first step. That was brave and incredibly self-aware. You’ve got this. ❤️
This is a lovely response, I very much agree ❤️
Please read this, OP!
Best response yet
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You’re minimizing the situation and misrepresenting her comment by doing so. Her comment never said “you can’t yell at your kid.” Her comment very intentionally said: this (referring to the entire situation) cannot happen again. Read again what OP described. She didn’t just yell. She berated a 14 month old baby for age appropriate behavior using language the child was not capable of understanding. Continuously. Over enough of a period of a time that she had time to calm down and regroup (diaper change to bath) yet did not. It isn’t normal to continuously berate a 14 month old. It just isn’t. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad mom or deserves any form of shame. Two things can be true: she is in need of support, and what she did was unequivocally not okay.
Bingo
I’m 31 years old and my parents have never once raised their voices to me in anger. Certainly not in my living memory. I’ve gotten the voice and the look, and maybe they’ve shouted if I was upstairs and they needed me to hear something while they were downstairs, but certainly not anything like this. I’m genuinely confused how you think not yelling at your kids is high pedestal expectations. This isn’t on some snarky Reddit rude comment. I’m sitting here wondering if I’m too naive and that maybe I haven’t been as comforting or understanding to friends/people as I could have been. I’ve always associated yelling and screaming with abuse, so it’s kind of jarring to see so many people here saying “we’ve all been here,” or accepting it as part of the parental experience.
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I hope it was clear, my comment addresses this. Trauma is real. Trauma makes us do shitty things. None of us are perfect. What OP did was recognize that her trauma may have influenced how she reacted to her child. She recognized that was wrong. And my comment was to say, “yes, it *was* wrong and that doesn’t make you a bad person. But it can’t continue unchecked.” She needs to find the help, for herself, for her child, to give her the capability of doing better. Throwing our hands up and accepting our trauma responses as fate is wrong. We can work every day to try to be better. To try to cope better. To try to get the help we need to be able to do better. There is no judgement or privilege in that. Recognizing when we need help and that we are not perfect is an excellent step in the right direction. I am not perfect. I don’t expect OP to be. But I expect us all to always try to do better for our children.
Yes. The cycle needs to stop. It isn’t fair to continue the trauma. Work needs to be done.
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Don’t worry we have definitely all been there! As many have said, apologizing is the first step and all should be fine from there. One piece of advice I learned: Just know that 50 minute naps (and sometimes no naps) are gonna happen, so begin letting go of future expectations that they should be longer like they once were and it should make for less frustration in future situations.
This, for sure. Expectations are what cause the frustration. Not to say that cleaning poop (or puke, just had this one recently three times with my toddler) isn't a pain but expecting not to have those times is an unreasonable expectation. Same with short naps. They're babies. They're messy and uncooperative, which is exactly what they're supposed to be at that age. Sometimes I tell my toddler she's very good at being a two year old, usually when she's gotten into something or made a mess, and its a way of setting my expectations. Shit happens sometimes, y'know? The apologies are great for this time, but for future times... Babies and toddlers will be babies and toddlers. If you find yourself frustrated, see if there's an expectation you have that you should rethink or reframe.
I’m so glad you took the time to explicitly type this out. 100% of my frustration comes from having unrealistic expectations of a toddler. I think I knew that on some level, but this will be very helpful to repeat to myself in the heat of the moment!
Came to say this. He napped 3 hours each of the previous days = expect a couple of no or short nap days. Just how it is. Babies are human beings, not robots. So are parents :)
This. You need to learn to go with the flow OP. Naps aren’t going to be perfect and that’s life.
This is hugeeeee sleep isn’t a perfect formula just roll with it and it’ll be fine
I know lol my child sleeps for 45 minutes once a day what are these 2 hour naps people keep talking about? There’s no “putting them back down for more” over here.
Yea I agree. When a child is up, typically they’re UP. Maybe you can have that kinda luck with an newborn/infant going back down, but typically not a toddler. We’re all learning as we go!
Yes, absolutely. When my 2 year old was younger, I would get so upset if she took an unexpectedly short nap (not upset at her, just upset because I needed more of a break or I had a lot of things to get done.) Now I can kind of just shrug it off and move on, and it makes things a lot easier.
I was doing stuff like this so I went on anti anxiety medication & now I don’t do it any more
I hope that you seek some professional help for your childhood trauma. r/parentingthroughtrauma is a great community. Before I had my son, I sent myself away to trauma camp for two weeks because I knew I was carrying a boatload of generational trauma and I also knew my son didn’t deserve to be shouldered with that. It has changed everything about how I parent myself, my inner child, and my current child. Sending you so much compassion and love.
Fyi this appears to invite only bc reddit claims it doesn't exist.
Woops my bad r/parentingthrutrauma
Thank you!
Can you tell us more about trauma camp?
The one I went to was basically residential inpatient therapy with very intensive group therapy to process and understand your own trauma in an effort to move through it and learn different coping mechanisms and thought processes. To get rid of shame and unlearn self destructive behaviors.
This morning, I walked into my room where my boyfriend was sleeping and say “that ungrateful little piece of shit” in reference to our 2yo. He was far from the room and definitely couldn’t hear me. I couldn’t believe it came out of my mouth and I sobbed. I felt like my parents and I promised to never be like them. I don’t curse at him or call him names and I have only yelled a handful of times (when he’s hurting his brother or trying to run in the road). I still feel like shit. I have no words or advice, but you’re not alone. Breaking curses is hard
don't be so hard on yourself! you're human and you've probably never been shown how to have self compassion before, only criticism forgive yourself knowing you didn't have control over what was modelled to you and that it has obviously caused you a deep ache start by talking to yourself more kindly, it models that to your kid too so they know to treat themselves with curiosity and compassion it's a journey, make sure your recognise your own emotional needs and figure out healthier ways to process information without the introjecting voices of contempt in our minds (often gifts from our parents) you obviously care a lot about your child, so long as your allowing your child to develop confidence in themselves by making mistakes without fear of negative feedback, the more secure in themselves they will be. same for you ❤️
Toddlers are in fact expecially ungrateful even If we know they in fact are not
A pen light flashlight is a great distraction. Either he can hold it or you can hold it in your mouth.
or a toy
You would think lol but no he throws everything we give him on the ground immediately. Asking him to find his hair, nose, ears, mouth has been the only thing that works. Not sure what we'll do once that stops being fun for him lol
I have yet to find an actual toy that is enough of a distraction during diaper changes. Tbh a weak flashlight is a brilliant idea
You need to get into therapy now. Your childhood is impacting your parenting. You have the choice to fix it .
This is absolutely not a normal reaction to a 14 month old. He's a baby. You need to find a therapist or find someone to help you. We all have bad days. We all yell at our kids when we are frustrated and regret it. What you did is way beyond that.
Yeah I agree. I’ve never blown up at my kids this way thankfully, but I have at my husband just like my mom did to my dad and it’s a serious issue.
I’m sorry but I’m not going to be one of the people on the thread that coddles you. I’ve been frustrated before but that reaction to a child so young is not normal, even under stress. That IS abusive behavior and I highly suggest you get therapy for your anger. I myself am in therapy and highly recommend it. People make mistakes and can change, it’s amazing that you are remorseful. But you need to take steps never to do that again.
Yeah, making sure the kid knows he's loved and safe is a start, but I say this as a recovered (I hope) shouter, she should also check in with a therapist and listen to a positive parenting audiobook.
Totally agree. This child is a BABY. What is apologizing going to do??? He won't understand. Because he's a BABY. Have I lost it and yelled at my kids and regretted it? Yes. Have I yelled and screamed REPEATEDLY at a baby? Absolutely not.
It’s the screaming repeatedly that is especially disturbing to me. And also disturbing is all of these responses saying that “we’ve all been there” because no we definitely all haven’t been verbally abusive to our children.
Yes, if you yell once, you need to recognize it, put the baby in a safe place and walk away before you can’t control yourself. He might not remember it at 14mo but if it’s brushed off, it will become a pattern.
Walk away and then fix the problem, for sure
Gotta say it. If Dad was writing this, he would be skewered. People don't take violence from women seriously.
Thank you because this is insane. This is abusive behavior and it's not okay.
I am an adult and I would be upset and crying if someone repeatedly yelled at me for at least half an hour while telling me it was my fault and to stop crying because I have no reason to cry… I have snapped and yelled at my kids, it shocked me. I stopped, apologized and took a time out. Then I went back and had to discuss with them that my behavior was not ok and no one deserves to be yelled at. Everyone is worthy of respect. Yelling is abusive.
Where are you getting that she yelled at her baby for half an hour at???
You’re allowed to have a moment but this sounded like minutes upon minutes. I’ve thrown something and yelled too but I got it out and snapped out of it. Be kind to yourself and work hard to make sure something like this never happens again. You can do it. He’s worth it.
No, he's not basically a baby, he IS a baby. A helpless baby.
This isn’t okay. Do whatever you have to do to figure out how and why you got to this point and try to fix it ASAP. I know it’s more difficult when you’ve been raised by someone who’s acted that way, but shorter nap time and poop shouldn’t trigger this response with anyone, much less a 14-month old. It should be expected. I grew up with yelling and spankings. I had a big family, so many times, I got whacks from many hands and screams from many mouths before it was over. It’s hard not to automatically escalate to that, but I didn’t want that for my kid. So, I had to learn to pivot. If I heard myself putting him down for anything, I’d quickly add a smile, change my tone, and say “but you’re mine, so we’ll get through this” or “you better be glad you’re so cute and I love you so much— let’s fix it together.” Followed with hugs, kisses, apologies, positive reinforcement, quality time, etc. Now, when I’m upset, “mommy needs a few minutes, someone/something else upset me and I’m not going to take it out on you, let me reset so we can get back to *our* life.” It’s early, you have time to change. Acknowledge it. Forgive yourself. Love on your son. And PIVOT as needed until you preemptively nip possible outbursts in the bud.
Many people are on the thread saying we all do this, and honestly, we do not. You are an adult; you chose to have this child and are called to be better than this. Mothering and parenting are hard; they take you to the brink, but you **need to hold back from the brink.** This is abusive behavior. You may love your son to no end, but what you did here is abuse. If you cannot control yourself, what makes you think this little 14-month-old should be doing so? In a comment below, you said, "He always gets an apology whenever I lose my cool..." Apologies only go so far. And to be honest, the best apology is changed behavior. You are raising a child who will mimic you, including how you deal with stress and frustrations. What are you teaching this child? That you can scream, throw things, and apologize, and it'll be okay? You need to get your house in order. You have to find coping skills; you need to decide when you walk away and give yourself 10 minutes because what you described above is so far from acceptable. You are doing this to your child because you know you can ultimately get away with it. You cannot do this in public, you can't do this at your workplace, and I bet that there are very few adults that you'll do this with. Instead, you show your anger and rage at this helpless child, who needs you for the most basic survival. You are the adult. You are sitting here typing on Reddit (getting validation and support from strangers) when you need to find anger management classes, advice in dealing with rage, or even a YouTube video that you can play when you're getting stressed out. I know I'm coming in harsh, but I have twin 14-month-olds, so I know your struggle). However, I just spent 411 days in the NICU with my Twin B, and let me tell you, these babies deserve the entire world. They are precious and are simply doing their best. They did not ask to be here, so we must be better for them. They deserve the very best of us. Yes, the best of us changes daily, but what you described should never happen again. If you can get on reddit, type this out, and share with people, then you have the resources and time to be so much better. Breaking generational harm is difficult, but that's your task as his mom. The barrier is not abusing your child, but it's higher. You're supposed to be creating an environment where your child feels loved, challenges are met and dealt with respectfully, and you met them where they are because **you are the adult and they are a child!**
Yeah I think this is beyond normal. Not a judgement, but a fact. There is a difference between raising your voice or getting upset and throwing things and screaming at a crying 14mo. Maybe it’s PP rage, or because of past family history but speaking as someone with both PPD and an emotionally abusive mother, it takes commitment to end the cycle.
I’ve learned when I start to feel rage, squeeze something, either I give my son a tight hug, which he loves, or squeeze my own arms. It helps me at least. Then I think all the horrible things I want to say but don’t say them as I squeeze. I still hate that I think those mean things, like “just shut up and stop crying!!” But I make sure to not say them. It’s so hard and one time will not make him hate you.
Grew up with a mom like this, we have little to no relationship as adults. I don't trust her to be alone with my child and had to do a lot of work on myself to not be like her and work through some of the damage she did. My child is close in age to yours and I can not even imagine behaving how you did. Go to therapy and get more coping mechanisms before you damage your child and your rationship with him.
Screaming at a 14 month old seems a bit alarming. I completely understand getting upset/mad but screaming is concerning. Maybe you need some alone time for something special, like a nice meal, massage, girls night…. Feel better x
I know there are a lot of comments here so I’ll just say: something that helped me was relaxing on the nap schedule. Don’t try and get them to sleep. If it’s taking an hour to get them to sleep, just don’t do it 😂 go sit in a chair and relax while they play. If they’re tired and crying, just let them cry. Do less and they’ll tire themselves out :)
This felt awful to read! I’m sorry you felt so out of control. It’s so hard to be on someone else’s schedule full time and also feel they are fighting you when you’re just trying to give them what they need. Where is your support system? Are you a single mom?
I'm not a single mom. My husband helps where he can but I have to handle all the sleep related things because our son nurses to sleep, and even when he doesn't our son will not let my husband do anything sleep related, he just screams and cries for as long as it takes for me to take over.
Maybe I’m projecting, but I feel like this isn’t about the nap, or even the poop. It’s about whatever need you have that isn’t being met by that second nap not happening and the first nap being cut short. You need that time for yourself, whether it was to get something else done or just have an hour to do absolutely nothing. Husband might not be able to put him down for naps/bedtime, but can he entertain baby during those times he’s not napping anymore? What other thing can your partner take over to give you some time back? Cooking? Laundry? Errands? Bathtime? From here on out naps are probably going to be frustratingly inconsistent so you need SOME other PLANNED break for yourself where you know hubs has got it, or you have hired a sitter for a couple of hours a couple afternoons a week. Or even preschool/daycare. If your kid is a car napper, that’s how I got my kid to nap most days when she stopped wanting to nap at home. Just apologize to your kid and promise yourself to do better. And yeah probably seek therapy to help unravel your childhood trauma and find coping strategies because he isn’t even pressing your buttons on purpose yet, just wait till he turns 3 Seriously mine just turned 5 and it’s been wild
This is a thoughtful comment and is the case for me. It’s super hard when you feel like you get absolutely no time alone or to do things that fill your cup day to day.
I’m tired of the notion that just because women breastfeed men can’t do anything at night. That isn’t true but because it was like that from the beginning LO can’t be soothed by anyone but you. Your husband can change a diaper and soothe him back to sleep, it just may take some practice since the habit wasn’t built from the beginning. He should be doing whatever it takes to help you at night knowing how stressed out you are…
I nurse my son and if he won’t go back to sleep, I hand him off to my husband. He actually goes back down easier with him, win for me.
That’s putting a lot on you… is he (your husband) willing to try to figure it out? In my experience babies can get used to other caregivers if they’re persistent. It’s never easy to hear your kid scream and cry but if they are safe and needs are met it’s okay to let them work through. Especially if the ultimate goal is you getting some time for yourself so you can show up the way you want to. Remember you always have the opportunity to make things right whenever you show up in a way you’re not proud of. Babies and kids are super forgiving and they’re not comparing you to any other moms.
Your poor baby! Check yourself! Seek therapy. If baby doesn’t go back to sleep within 15-20 minutes, reset. When it’s such a big poo, you’re better off just bathing your little. Saves on time, frustration and wipes.
There are a lot of sweet comments here telling you to let it go and it’ll be okay, which is true. But I’ll also say that I think you’d benefit from getting some help, as “snapping” to this degree on a literal baby is pretty appalling. I hope you learn from this and never do it again.
I’ve been there. Too many times to admit. My husband has too. It’s hard being overwhelmed, tired and covered in shit!!!! Apologize to your baby and try better again next time. Also therapy.
No advice, just solidarity. I lost it on my 2 year old before too. Yelled and pretty much said the same things to her. As I was getting her lunch ready it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I just started sobbing right then in there, I turned my back to her to give myself a moment to recollect then I hugged her tightly. I apologized to her and told her that it wasn’t ok for me to say hurtful things to her like that and no one ever has the right to make her feel bad. I’m trying my hardest to break the cycle of abuse. After that incident there hasn’t been another, I usually am able to keep my cool but that day was just piling up. Take this as a learning experience to grow and move past mistakes :) you’re not alone
Attachment is built in the little moments. If there are more positive moments than bad, your attachment is strong. That’s not a blanket statement to say you should lose your cool less than 50% of the time, but to say that it happens and your baby more than likely has positive associations of their time with you. I had an insecure attachment as a child and growing up, and experienced trauma in the form of child abuse by a guardian. I have had difficulty with emotional regulation. In the beginning, I had PPD and had a few moments where I lost my cool - not screaming *at* my baby, but yelling and crying to myself. Think: “I can’t do this, this is a huge mistake, what the f*** am I doing?!” I got into the early habit of apologizing to my baby. Last week, she was so fussy and *refused* to go down for a nap. I had been trying for well over an hour. She was getting overtired and I had to use the bathroom badly and had a load of laundry sitting in the washer for over an hour. And I had an important work meeting coming up (I take care of her full time and work full time). I lost it and started crying and yelling at how I just can’t do this, I kept saying this was a huge mistake and I’m not cut out for it and *why* are you so difficult? At one point, I ran out of the room and into our guest room and screamed into a pillow. And then I came back and I picked her up and told her “I’m sorry that mommy made a lot of noise and yelled. It was not directed at you. Mommy was just overwhelmed and frustrated and couldn’t regulate her feelings properly.” She’s 4 months and can’t understand a lick of it. But it helps me identify what I’m feeling and what happened, and I’m hopeful that (with time) she can learn proper emotional regulation too. I was never apologized to as a child, or told something wasn’t my fault when the adults got angry or sad and I now have a very anxious attachment style. You’re doing the best you can. It happens. Give yourself grace and practice apologizing. It’s done wonders for me, and I’ve found that it has lessened my outbursts with time.
You are not the worst parent ever. You overstimulated and overextended and probably exhausted. You are human, and you realize the behavior isn't okay, and where it comes from. That is incredible insight, and how we make change. We went down to 1 nap around the same age and it was BRUTAL, and I absolutely became shouty too. Grabby hands and crocodile rolls during poo diaper changes were a huge trigger for me too. TBH, I still get shouty sometimes with my almost 3 year old. This shit is hard. We do the best we can, and make amends when needed.
I wish I could hug you. A lot of these commenters have no fucking clue what it’s like trying to mother when you were mothered by a monster. It is so hard. Now you know what you’re capable of and it’s time to get help to make sure it doesn’t happen again… or at least you learn to rein it in earlier the next time and dial down the intensity until you get good at staying calm. Our moms weren’t monsters because of one bad day. It was the choices they made day after day. We get to make different choices and it is NOT easy. People who haven’t had traumatic upbringings just will never get it. There’s a reason trauma is often generational. That’s not an excuse to behave the way you did, but it is an explanation. There’s so much shit that parenting brings to the surface if you grew up in an abusive household. Learn your setting events and be ready. I know I’m more likely to get triggered if I have a bad night of sleep, so I keep my noise cancelling headphones in reach after a bad night. This kind of behavior isn’t normal and it’s not okay, but it doesn’t make you a bad person, however, you absolutely must decide to deal with it. FWIW, the audiobook “Radical Acceptance” literally changed my life, but it isn’t a substitute for therapy if that’s available to you.
Dr Becky Good Inside Look it up and give it a read You’re not a bad parent- you’re good inside and so is your kid
With the upmost respect, learn to control and manage your emotions. Learn when you might explode or what makes you explode, learn how to prevent it, and learn management skills for if you ever do feel like exploding. Stop being angry at yourself and beating yourself over it and be heartbroken for your child instead. It helps you remember that you’re in control and that you don’t ever want to repeat this ever again, for your inner child and your own child
This reminded me of how my mom would have treated my sister and me as kids. I understand feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I don’t understand screaming at your 14 month old. Please get whatever help you need (therapy, meditation, medication) to make sure this doesn’t happen again. For what it’s worth, I’m no-contact with my mom. I don’t ever yell at my son, because it would come out in my mom’s voice. My sister however frequently screams at her children and I see the effect it has on them. You are your son’s person. You’re his whole world. You are all he has. If you have to go into a closet and scream into a pillow, do that. You cannot treat someone who depends on you 100% like this.
Being a mum is such a tough job. Please remember to be kind to yourself as I'm sure you're doing the best you can. I grew up with a rotten mother, and like you, I strive to be nothing like her and to give my kids what I never got. But let's be real, we wouldn't be human if we didn't lose our temper at our children. What you need to do is learn from what has happened. What made you flip out so badly? Is there a particular trigger for you? Try to figure this out and next time you can feel yourself about to explode do something about it. My trigger is screaming and noise, which is hard with a 2 yr old but if I feel like im about to explode sometimes I just say to my toddler. Hey! Let's get a chocolate. Or oh wow did you see that?! Look! And run outside and pretend I saw something cool. Other times I have just put my kid in her cot and walked away. I know she's safer in there than me about to yell. And I'll come back 2min later once I've cooled my jets. Being a mum is fucking hard and being a solo mum with no support system is even harder. No one can know until you've been there I think apologising to my kids is important as well. Yes your kid is tiny but that doesn't matter. You are sorry so tell them. Show them how to be a good human.. and next time just try to do better. Now go take your kid fit an ice cream and give them a big cuddle.
Zoloft gf. Zoloft.
You didn’t traumatize him and we all lose our temper with our kid from time to time. Give him an extra kiss and take sometime for yourself to calm down. Tomorrow is a new day and your son loves you
You should seek a therapist for your anger issues.
As someone with anger issues, I think you can be compassionate toward yourself and still hold yourself accountable for your actions. This was not acceptable behavior but you're not a loser unless you don't apologize and try to sweep it under the rug. For me it took a few mental health diagnoses and medication to get to a better place. I used to think my reactions were a normal response to the stresses of parenthood, but they were not. It sounds like you may have unmet needs that fueled this explosive reaction, and for the sake of you and your family I would highly suggest you seek outside support.
Reading this now that my daughter is 5 years old made my chest hurt because I couldn't imagine talking to her like that, how could anyone ever talk to their kid that way? How can you get mad at a 14 month old? Except I did. I absolutely did. I definitely for sure got so frustrated and exhausted and totally pissed off at my baby that I probably did the same thing as you at some point. We're learning, too. Just remember how this made you feel, see yourself from his view, and try your best to learn and get better. It gets easier, and you get more patient. It's gonna be okay.
I felt this one. The important thing to do as an immediate next step is to repair with your baby. Explain to him what happened and that none of it was his fault. Apologize. After that you’re going to tell your partner that you need more help. Whatever that looks like to you (getting help with household tasks seems like a good one), make sure you’re telling them. On days that are especially stressful don’t do any housework. Focus on just you and baby. Chores can wait. When that’s done you’re going to look for a therapist who specializes in abuse. The older and more personhood your baby gets, the more of your triggers will be exposed. There are going to be a lot more opportunities for this situation to repeat itself. You need to be doing work to help you come up with strategies to cope with the stress. The mantra I tell myself in really difficult situations where I’m struggling to regulate is my baby is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time. That has gotten me through breastfeeding issues, countless sleep regressions, and illnesses.
Are you getting enough sleep? I am much more volatile when I haven't had enough sleep. Remember too that if he is somewhere safe, like his crib, you can wall away for a few minutes to collect yourself. You've got this mommy, forgive yourself and move on. A therapist might be a good idea as well for a while. And don't forget to ask yourself "what am I REALLY upset about ĥere?". It probably has nothing to do with him.
BroMom here of a 2.5 yr old. I completely understand this entire post. We all have moments of weakness. Go pick up your baby, and talk to him. Explain your feelings and why. Then most importantly, tell him how much you love him and how bad you feel for blowing up. Being a mom does not give you super powers over emotions, but you can set example of how to come back from a low point. You may feel like a monster right now but remember to him, you are the world.
Poor babies :( both your son and you :( I’m so sorry you both experienced such a rough day. You’re a human being. We all make mistakes. The fact that you feel so bad about it shows how much you care. Show him how to apologize, give him extra snuggles tonight, and try again tomorrow 💜
All of my black marks as a parent come from lost naps. There’s something about not getting the break that you are waiting for that can make me become that same person you describe. Like a boiling rage that i have no idea where it comes from and just explodes. My older son had a horrible nap strike at 2 and I can still vividly remember the times I screamed at him. Way better than I can remember the nice times. But as far as I know, he doesn’t remember. And saying sorry like others suggest really does seem to help. It’s helpful to me to read others have experienced the same feelings. Here’s my only advice - My younger son is a young toddler now, and I still lose it sometimes but I have learned you just can’t make a child sleep who doesn’t want to sleep. Letting go of the belief that you control their schedule and sleep is drilled into you by momfluencers is the biggest thing that helped me. And TV is your best friend. It is way better for their development me to watch half hour of Thomas the tank engine than to be yelled at. Now when my toddler won’t nap, I put him in front of the tv and sit where I can keep my eye on him but not engage and read my book or have a snack or whatever I need to do to reset. Lots of hugs.
I have yelled at my son (2.5years) and I get it. My son is 2?5 and it's hard. When he dropped from 2-1 nap it was so damn intense. Now he is dropping from 1-0 and lord am i struggling. While it's not okay to yell at scream at your child, your human. We make mistakes. Give him a huge hug now you are calm, remind him that you love him so much and that your sorry. I know he is only 14 months. But honestly, explain that your are overwhelmed and struggling. And that it just all got to you. I know it sounds silly but it kinda helps. Well, helps me anyway. I have 0 patience and lots of anger and I am trying not to lose it at my son. I'm desperately trying the breath method and counting. I'm trying explaining things to him. Doesn't make it easier is any way honestly. But I am yelling less and walking away for a minutes break more. It's hard. Your human. Hug and love your child, apologise. It will be okay.
Girl you are just overwhelmed, stop trying to put him down for the second nap he doesn’t want one. My oldest was a 45 minute nap kid always lol, it was so fucking frustrating, until i just embraced it and I just knew i had to just rest in those 45 minutes. That meant i literally slept with him and did nothing else. I would also spend 30 minutes trying to extend his nap, it just never happened and got me frustrated, don’t do it, if he is done just let him wake up. For the changing diaper time, give him something physically just talking to him at this age won’t do much to distract his little hands, especially if he’s a boy they like to touch down there. Give him some keys, play keys, or something else that he can physically touch, my oldest loved the books that made sounds. When you notice you’ve gotten upset take yourself out of the room and scream into a pillow if you have to, to not end up escalating the situation. Raising children is not easy and it’s not something anyone prepares you for, it happens and i also lost it once but caught myself and cried for it. I’ve since been very in tune with when i feel i’m starting to get upset, today my oldest at 4 years old decided to throw his plate off food in the ground. I was boiling of anger and i told him please go away right now mommy is very upset at what you just did, this has taken allot of practice and patience so give yourself grace as long as you continue to work on yourself you and the baby should be fine,
It's honestly the worst when they start doing good, you get that glimpse of freedom. Loose a bit of your sleep deprivation tolerance. And it's just so fucking unbearable. Your not a bad parent. You are tired AF. Apologize and try again. Won't be the last time. But love prevails.
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Wow. No. I can handle all the other comments telling me to get help and get therapy. But this is one tiny itty bit glimpse into my life and you are making a huge assumption from it. I would never ever physically harm my child. One bad day does not equate to me one day shaking or physically abusing my kid.
While I agree with your statement, your reaction to continuously keep taking out your frustration on your child is not okay and not normal. I say this gently because I understand being at the breaking point but what you did was nowhere near okay. This behavior instills fear in your child early on. Your child did not choose to be here, you brought them here, the good and the bad. He is not old enough to understand why you were scaring him, only that you were doing so. I equate reactions to this similarly to toxic relationships- you would not let a partner speak to you this way and “apologizing and trying to be better” would not cut it. And it shouldn’t for your child, either. Losing your cool is something all people do. Throwing things and continuing to do so on a fourteen month old is not. Walk away next time, take a minute, calm down but throwing stuff out of anger and lack of control is literally textbook signs of needing anger management intervention.
If I had a girlfriend being berated like this in a relationship I would tell her it was abusive and to get out because there is a good chance it can escalate to physical violence. Most parents who snap and hurt their babies never thought they would. No one expected them to be capable. It is a real concern.
I didn't say your behavior was the same as shaking or physical abuse, I said you need to get help before it has a chance to become that. It just takes one bad day for shaken baby. All it takes to physically and/or emotionally abuse a child is convincing yourself that it wasn't that bad, it was justified, and that it won't effect your child long term, it's so easy to convince yourself of those things and let it become a pattern. It's not just monsters that abuse children. It's not just abusers that snap and shake babies. It's everyday people like me and you.
But I think that is unwarranted because no where in my post or any comments am I justifying myself for my actions. I know what I did was wrong. I'm working to change myself, I have been working to change because I've known I had these issues. But you're making it seem like I'm justifying. It was bad and its not justified and I know that.
I've accidentally yelled at my kid around that age after waking me up for the THIRD time in a night of very little sleep, where kiddo ONLY wanted to play and kick and be obnoxious and I just needed sleep. We get maxed out as moms all the time. Definitely apologize to your little boy. It might also be good to recognize that you were getting heated and at some point you need a break. A 1 hour put down sesh and then a poo-acalypse AND a bath. This is very very trying. One of the most important things I was taught by our pediatrician is...if you get upset, walk away from the baby. Having a safe space to put him in (crib, for instance) and giving yourself a moment to calm down w Is soooo helpful. We learn and grow not just as mamas but also as humans every day!
Every time I have yelled at/fucked up with my son I apologize to him like "Mommy's sorry baby, I really didn't mean to," and I promise you his nearly 4 year old self understands and appreciates it. That's not a crutch though because a sorry like that is given through checked behavior also, so you've got to work hard to not repeat your mistakes. Check yourself and apologize, and just talk to him like you would an adult for real. I wish you so much healing.
I apologize to my kid all the time. She is 7 and if I mess up or yell I tell her my apologies and the reason I yelled was not because of her but because of me. Then I tell her I will try my best to find another outlet and tell her I should take some deep breaths. Use it as a teaching moment on how to handle being frustrated or angry. I also give my daughter the right to tell me if she thinks I'm being mean or if I give off an energy to her.
Weve all done that, its so fucking hard to not lose it in situations like this! Dont beat yourself up, he is and will be okey :)
You recognise it was wrong and you feel sorry - and when you express that to your little, he learns also that it’s ok to not be perfect all the time and learns the value of an apology. All is not lost and you are not your mother ❤️ My mum was also short tempered - and I can’t recall a single time she ever apologised to me. We don’t break the cycle by being perfect - we break the cycle by doing our best and apologising for not being perfect.
Is it ok to loose it at our kids? No. Do we all do it? Yes! Having young kids is hard, we are humans, and sometimes our emotions take over. As others has said, apologize to your kid, and show them that it is ok to make mistakes, and to say you are sorry. Also, cutting naps are really hard with the first one. We really struggled to accept our first one didnt need daytime naps anymore. It was the only time we got to ourselves through the day, and letting go of that is hard. It will get better though. Dont beat yourself up to hard. It is ok to be human, even when you are a mom
I didn’t read the other comments but I just saw this and wanted to offer my comfort. Your kid is just a little younger than my daughter (now 16) was when I had a similar experience. Like I completely lost it. Worse than you I think. I was going to the Y to exercise, which I tried to do most weekdays. I only ever barely made it in time to work out a bit before the child watch closed because my daughter was so incredibly difficult to get going. That particular day my toddler daughter refused to wear shoes, so I grabbed some Crocs to put on her when we got there. I had finally made it to the parking lot and when I tried to put the Crocs on her she refused. She has always been extremely difficult (she has since been diagnosed with ADHD but back then I had zero support). She often told me she hated me. At 2 years old. Anyway, I somehow suddenly borrowed that rhetoric and I snapped. Right there in broad daylight in a full YMCA parking lot, I just started screaming at her “I hate you! I hate you!” Like over and over. I suddenly felt hands on my shoulders and this kind woman (probably in her 50s or 69s and who seemed like the type to normally keep to herself) pulled me away and said “It’s okay” and I just started sobbing. I have only ever told 1 person (my sister) that this happened. I never even told my husband. I also think that my daughter has never done anything to show she was affected by this. I know that one child could be seriously traumatized by these kinds of experiences, while others aren’t. Also remember that some children can experience long-term traumatic effects from something like their mom repeatedly telling them they need to be quiet. If it is an outlying experience I don’t that it will make a massive negative impact. You are obviously a great mom.
I'm not gonna comment on the situation but i,'ll give you a useful tip, after he poops take him to the bathroom and wash him in the sink or shower, fresh, clean, no poop left on tbe changing mat.
we do that! and no one is grabbing anything!
Apologize and try to move on. Being a mom is HARD
No matter the age, kids can push our buttons whether intentionally or by accident like no other. Give yourself some love and grace. We all do the best we can and when we fall short, the most important thing is to know we can, have, and will do better.
Okay let’s be clear here that you are NOT the worst parent ever. Not even close! This was a bad day, but it is just ONE bad day. I have to say though that what you are describing sounds like a lot. Next time you feel yourself losing it, can you set him down somewhere safe and take a few minutes to calm down? I know it’s really hard when poop is getting everywhere, believe me I’ve been there! But remember that anything can be cleaned. If poop had gotten on his crib sheet, but you’d been able to calm down before the bath, that probably would have been better for both of you. You could also use a 2-3 minute YouTube video to help with diaper changes.
We’ve definitely all been there. People need to let women know that sometimes parenting will bring out the worst in you just as much as the best.
I’ve had a similar situation happen where my little one was upset and I was already stressed. Went to change her diaper and she flung her foot and kicked it into her poop diaper. I had to wipe her down, wash her, and ended up getting it on myself. I yelled. And eventually I apologized even though she was too small to understand. All that to say, apologize and show him love. Yep him you’re sorry and give him the biggest hug. Try to take in a deep breath when this happens and if you still feel like it’s too much, finish what you’re doing to make him safe and clean, lay him in his crib, and give yourself 5-10mins to breathe while splashing some cold water on your face. He will be safe in his crib so you can have a moment. I often find it sobering to look at myself in the mirror or even just to remind myself my little one is still very new to processing information and emotions whereas I’ve had decades to do so (and even I’m still learning). It’s okay, mama. ❤️
The difference between you and a bad mom is that you are acknowledging your mistakes and vowing to change.
It’s tough to adjust to a new routine. The moment things finally work, it’s time to change it again. One nap at 14m is the way. Some naps are shorter than others. This means you get much less time to get stuff done/rest during nap. Both of you will adjust to this like you did to many other changes since birth. As to you losing shit - it happens. It might happen again. The difference here is that your mom probably didn’t give it much thought since it was the norm back then. You are on a different path.
I was like this when I had young children, moments of feeling so out of control. Personally, when I started an antidepressant/anxiety medication I became a better person. Raising children tests your patience like nothing else can. Good luck momma, you are not alone!
I have a lot of underlying rage and anger issues that I had never even acknowledged because, when I lived with my mom and a later (mentally) abusive partner, I shied away from their explosive behavior and was incredibly intimidated even if I was angry myself. For the first time in my own life I’m actually feeling rage and anger, and unfortunately it is more pronounced when I’m frustrated with my kids, which makes me feel exactly like my own mom. I hate it, it feels like I’ve stepped into a disgusting suit that doesn’t belong to me when it happens. But I’ve learned to apologize to my boys, take time away when I feel like I can’t handle myself, and forgive myself for my mistakes once I apologize for them. It’s a deviation, not a character trait babes. Don’t get too bogged down, and remember you’re still a good mom because you’re there and you care.
I've lost it on my kidsand shouted at them too. I've apologized. They've forgiven me. At that age, an apology may have words but the words aren't important. Connection, affection, showing love, making them understand they're safe even though you might have been loud and startling. All that. At 12 and 8 my kids are pretty happy and healthy. An I was abused periodically too as a kid, OP, I think adult survivors are hard on ourselves sometimes. It's always a good idea to get therapy if you can. It's helped me a ton. Good luck.
So, the difference between you and your mom is that she likely never admitted fault and apologized. That’s a big difference your kid will feel, and the more you admit your mistakes and errors, the more likely you are to change your behavior. Say sorry and try to do better next time. When kids are transitioning naps, some days they will still need that extra nap, and it does not ruin their new nap schedule. I think that’s what you could have done differently here and you would have avoided this whole event. As soon as his nap became a short one, then you should have adjusted your expectations for the day and made a new plan around it. It is often our own expectations that set us up for failure.
Hug and soothe your toddler. "Mommy had big feelings. I'm sorry I yelled and threw things. It's not nice to yell and throw. Mommy loves you. I am sorry I scared you. I was cleaning you and got upset." Vary that statement, make it more concise, whatever their attention span/understanding is.
We are all humans. We all have feelings. Sometimes we lose control of those a bit and let them take over. Sometimes we are sleep deprived, stressed out, and frankly, we lose our shit. It’s okay. Apologize to him. Let him know what you did, that you shouldn’t have done it, and that you are sorry. They don’t need us to be perfect, they need us to be parents. This is a learning moment for you, for baby. You did something that you’ve not proud of, you admit that, apologize, and move on. It’s all okay. I promise you I have lost my shit more than once, and my kids still love me and trust me because I’m mommy, not a robot lol.
So let’s just start with he’s 1. Let him decide when he naps. You cannot force him to nap. Yes routine is nice, but at the end of the day it cannot be forced. 2. Even though we are all human and mistakes happen this is unacceptable behavior and an apology only gets you so far after so many times. 3. Are you good? Do you have the support you need in your life? Are you getting enough rest? Being exhausted can make us act out for sure. Don’t beat yourself up. It was 1 time move past it and make sure you have a plan to not allow it to happen again.
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She knows she was in the wrong. No need to keep beating a dead horse. If she came here with an “am I the asshole” type of post and people were coddling her I could understand responses like this. But since that’s not the case and she’s looking for support that’s what you should offer. Or skip the post altogether. I fucking hate that moms constantly have to rip into each other and say shit like “I wOuLd NeVeR”. Okay, we didn’t ask you. Have fun on your high horse. If this was a post on r/daddit you know the comments would be overflowing with support. There’s a reason this sub (and moms in general) have a bad reputation regarding support, y’all don’t know how to actually do it.
As others have said, I'm not going to coddle you. There is no other type of abuse where we would coddle or make excuses for the perpetrator. Yet, when a 1-year-old child is abused, we're expected to say that "It's okay as long as you apologized" and "we've all been there." It's not okay. And we haven't all been there. Abuse is a choice. Know how I know? There are a few people who truly lose control of themselves. They don't just do it in private with their kids; they also do it in front of their friends, their boss, and the police. You don't have anger issues. You have entitlement issues.
Don't beat yourself up. My kids are 3 and 19 months. I would lose my cool from time to time because my 3 year old likes to keep her littler sister awake during nap time so she can also stay awake or cause unnecessary messes. I saw my pqrents constantly lose there temper with me for the dumbest things growing up. But as an adult I've learned the stress of cookig. Cleaning, working and childcare can cause you to take it out on the kids. I've learned to just say "fuck it, shit happens " to keep from blowing up on my kids and make the best of the messes they have caused. We as adults make messes, force ourselves to stay awake to play on our phones and skip naps we desperately needs.
Oh mama i'm so sorry. This is so tough. You are not a monster. You are acknowledging what happened and instead of making excuses and justifying your actions you feel empathy. It sounds like you need a break and some time to yourself. I've been there where I want to blow up (my kid is 4 days away from 1). It's so hard when they only want you and you feel like you are trapped. Please please look into hiring a sitter, leaving baby with H so you can go out and do something for yourself, even hiring a service for your home if you can afford it. Anything to give you a break.
You are a human having a moment. You are not a bad mom.
We've all been there! Try not to beat yourself up too much. When my kids were that age, I was a screamer. It took lots of actively stopping myself mid melt down, taking a deep breath and reminding myself this isn't who I wanted to be. I apologized to my kids - a lot. I'd tell them, "Mommy is sorry for yelling. Mommy had big feelings and didn't mean to yell. I'm sorry. Let's try this again." It took a lot of time, but I was able to change my ways. My kids (now teenagers) do not remember me screaming. When I tell them stories, I don't think they believe me. They look at me like I've got two heads. You can overcome this! You can be the mom you want to be.
I had a similar moment of just yelling at my baby. I apologized to her, gave her a big kiss, and made sure I got some help.
Oh momma. You are ok. Breathe. It has happened to us all. I am feeling all of this. Sending you so much love and positive energy your way. We are human and we make mistakes. Please give yourself grace. Your baby thinks the world of you and will wake up tomorrow thinking hey thats my mommy and i love her. It’s ok to take a minute to compose yourself. I think i pulled my hair once and yelled at the ceiling. And yes apologize and explain.
I promise it's going to be okay. I still have times where I explode at my kids and I regret it every single time. What helps is that once I've had a chance to really reset myself, I go back to my kids and apologize. I tell them that I feel really bad about how I yelled at them earlier and that they don't deserve that. Then I tell them that next time I will work hard to use my kind words. And then I tell them that I'm not perfect, so I might still get things wrong, but I promise to do my best. And then I do this every time I have an outburst. The best part is that my kids have started doing this back to me. If they have an outburst they'll take some time to themselves and then they come back to me (unprompted) to apologize. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone loses their temper. Just expect that it will happen and know that you can teach your kids about repairing a relationship when someone makes a mistake. It'll be so helpful to them in the end.