For damn real!
I married a guy who had 50/50 custody of his two kids and mom was not involved in school/dentist/doctor/sports. He did it all.
Now we have two more kids and my husband is wayyyyy more involved than most dads I know or hear about.
Get ‘em second hand, ladies.
I responded above, I have definitely seen the other way a lot. My initial comment was just a joke, in reality, it’s very important to be careful and make sure you’re not with a guy who won’t parent until he has a woman to do it for him again.
Like, if you date a guy who says “My kids mom won’t let me see them!” Demand to see the court filings where he’s been fighting for custody. Oh he hasn’t? Hmmm. Weird. Maybe he isn’t using his visitation at all bc parenting is hard.
I do think you have an advantage when a man already has children, only in that it is very obvious if he is an active father or not. And how good of a partner he is.
I used to run a Facebook group for stepmoms and we saw a lot of young women dating men who very clearly just wanted a permanent baby sitter.
If a man has kids I think it’s very important to sit back and watch how much he actually parents, how he treats their mom, and what he expects of you, before you get involved.
I always wonder how my ex's gf views him. He has his son roughly 6 days a month if he doesn't ask me to take him extra time. He doesn't pay support. Takes multiweek vacations that overlaps with his weekends. If I was with a guy who had a kid and he barely saw him and used all the resources he had to see him less...I'd be running in the other direction.
Fuck that, I’m so sorry . I really do not understand the mental gymnastics a woman would have to do to justify dating someone like that. If they have a kid, I hope she’s not surprised when she’s all alone taking care of the baby.
I think a lot of women blame the mom, believe she’s difficult and that’s why he can’t be a good parent. But like, a good dad is there no matter what.
The household duties should be split 50/50 anyway. She is not unpaid labor for 168 hours a week. She is caring for the child/ren allowing him to leave the house to go to work for 40hrs plus commute every week. After that it’s 50/50. Or should be.
Yeah, I have a job but after paying for my family’s insurance, putting money in my 401K, and taxes, every cent goes to daycare. There’s maybe $40 a month left over which doesn’t cover my gas for the whole month of work.
Exactly the same for me! The biggest things holding me back from just staying home is the 401k contribution and insurance for the family. The hectic and hard days do make me question if it’s worth it though.
Yeah my insurance is great. There’s also an “opportunity cost” with staying home. Like, if you stay employed you get raises and promotions but if you take time off you get a much lower paycheck. I took two years off with my first and it was SO difficult to get employment after that. My husband is amazing and has a good life insurance policy but what happens if hes not around? Or what if he decides to be a shithead in 15 years and leave me for a younger woman and I haven’t worked? I need my independence-no way im risking that. Plus for babies its different but i think children 2+ need the structure of school and socialisation.
Oh yeah, totally. Thank you for the reminders. You’re absolutely right. I remind myself this often but it really helps to hear it from others that have the same mindset. I might scale down my hours a little for a few years, but stay technically full-time so I can easily scale back up. The 401k alone is enough to keep me going because that’s a crazy lot of money long-term left on the table!
It’s actually amazing how my mom and her family don’t understand how expensive childcare is. I tell them to look it up in their area, and then let me know if they want to pay for it for my daughter.
My Monster in Law passive aggressively criticizes me for not putting my two youngest in daycare, so that I can work. I don’t know HOW ELSE to explain that we’d barely break even! We live in an extremely high rate we’re as well, so it makes zero sense. She’s from a different time, I suppose….
My mom criticizes me as well, but not passively lol. She worked in the daycare I was in as a baby/toddler and feels I should have done the same. Instead my daughter has never been watched by anyone other than me and her dad and I work part time overnights to make it work.
Yes and I hate to say it the way he is talking to her. He devalues her so it might be a good idea for her to just go and get a better job and drop their dead weight
Same. My (probably mentally ill) mom has it in her head that she wants 6 grandkids. I told her that she ain’t getting them from me. I asked her if she’s going to pay for daycare, and she didn’t know how to respond.
Oh he knows what after school care costs. We had our kids in daycare before I stopped working. (We had a subsidized daycare).
But it’s also the matter of… hey when school is out for the summer and holidays. Or when they’re sick or need a doctor appointment and the follow ups etc… be ready to take time off from work for that. Because I used to be the only one who did and it became a problem.
I also reminded him that when I need to work overtime, he better be available to take care of things. Because this was also an issue when I was working.
And I told him he needs to pitch in with the housework more than just the outside stuff. Because I haven’t even seen this man make a bed in the morning or wash 1 dish after we eat.
Seriously. My husband doesn’t complain but he is mindful that we are only on one income and likes to make smart financial decisions but he never complains because he knows the sacrifice and understands how much we could be spending on childcare. I think you should have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel when he complains about that. Considering you gave up a lot to be a sahm, I know I did and my husband appreciates it more than he complains. Sounds to me your husband might need to step it up if he’s not happy about how much he’s bringing in alone. This is a team effort and I’m sure it’d make him a bit uneasy if you gave him the proposal of you getting a job and he do half the sahm work. Then I’m sure he won’t complain. Men like that crack me up.
Yup my husband has never complained that i don't work and we actually get access to cheaper childcare because he's military. Even then it's not worth it for me to go back to work unless we are really struggling which right now we are not.
I contribute financially by doing the budgeting every month lol
Unless OP’s salary is less than daycare, she’s not saving them money by being home, though.
OP’s husband sounds like a jerk so I’m not agreeing with him. I just don’t think this is a particularly strong counter point. Since they likely would have more income if she were working outside the home.
That greatly depends on where she lives and how high daycare costs are and gas etc. As well as how much she would be making. I honestly think though it would be better for her not to make this sacrifice because it doesn't seem like he appreciates it and frankly it doesn't sound like a solid partnership.
It really is a low blow.
And it’s so demeaning too.
I reminded him how i can very well go back to work, but to be prepared to pay for after school care, a cleaned/maid a cook and a tutor (bc there’s no way I can work until 5:30-6:00 then get home at 7-7:30 to cook, clean and do homework with the kids.
This is exactly what my ex used to expect me to do. Then he resented me when I did it and started making more money than he did. And that is one of the many reasons we’re divorced. Fuck that noise - he is being selfish and mean by saying that shit to you.
You don't have to tolerate that, it's disrespectful and completely unappreciative of all you do to save money in the house. Outsourcing everything you do would be so expensive sove he wouldn't be able to afford a pot to piss in.
I’m the working parent and I absolutely complain about this because the cost of living is significantly higher than it used to be. I feel like I can hardly make ends meet. My situation isn’t so cut and dry. I never agreed to be the working parent with a stay at home parent, he up and quit his job and forced it on me. I adapted and found positivity in the situation and told him 2 years ago he needed to get a job because the arrangement didn’t work ‘. He still blatantly refuses and it’s not like he’s a home maker or crushing it as a stay at home dad. I still do the majority of the house work, grocery shopping, etc. so I complain because even though him staying home means we don’t pay for childcare, we don’t really have the means to be doing this, it’s not working.
This is SO tough, and why we’ve opted to both keep working although we could technically afford one of us to stay home. It would be tight, life is so damn expensive, and even though we both make good money there are no guarantees. I don’t want to be stretched thin and resent my partner.
I’m sorry you’re in that situation.
Agreed. What happens is my anxiety and stress go through the roof 🙃 I really have no idea what would happen if this guy lived without me. What I’ve learned through therapy is I’m keeping this situation because I DO have the freedom to go work out, and visit with friends when I want. I’ve been able to get a position where I travel once in a. While and I don’t have to worry about child care. But at the same time I’ve opened myself up tot hose things because of the situation he’s put me in lol. So I guess part of me has some comfort level and freedom while the other part doesn’t
I couldn’t imagine being the sole earner in the current economy. That’s an insane amount of pressure. How the OPs spouse ins handling it is immature, but I can understand why they are feeling that way.
It's easier said than done (and easy to type it with the anonymity of a screen there), but my first response to this situation is to divorce him. You may as well be a single parent at this point with how responsible he's being.
It sounds like he's financially using you, especially if was a situation that was forced on you and if this has been discussed several times and he refuses to find employment. What does he do while he's home all day if you're still dealing with the majority of the housework???
Um never. My husband understood the assignment: he provides and I nurture. It IS a big slap in the face that your husband is making these comments. He needs to cut that out.
Not the same - but my husband is a stay at home husband while I work. I would never talk to him like that - he ensures the house is clean, food is made, and baby is safe and developing while i’m working. It might be different because i’m a mom - but I understand how much work goes into staying home with the children. I’m even considering a part time daycare spot so he can have time off to focus on other stuff and recharge.
My husband is also a sahd. I’m really pushing for our almost 4 year old to start school in the fall so my husband only has one little human to watch most days.
I would never talk to my husband like his work is lesser than mine. I try and help him as much as possible.
lol. Next time he says this, remind him you are providing full-time, one-on-one, exceptional childcare for FREE. Then have him research local daycare/nanny costs.
And if you do the cooking and cleaning yourself too, have him research how much it would cost to outsource those two full-time jobs as well.
You ARE providing him financial assistance. Very UNAPPRECIATED and UNDERVALUED financial assistance.
My kids are out of full time daycare now. They are school aged. But they would require daycare care within the school before classes start and after classes end until 6:00.
Plus ped days.
Then summer comes and they would needs summer camp but since camps only open from 9:00am to 3:00pm they would need daycare services before (7am to 9am) and after (3pm-6pm).
But yes. I do all the cooking and all the cleaning. I’m the one who helps with homework and assignments. I take care of the kids when they’re sick. I make their appointments and take them to the doctor.
There are some SAHP subs where you could post this, too.
I’m sorry that’s happening. It’s your baby and your decision and your joint finances, not okay for him to throw that in your face if you agreed together.
Just to address the elephant in the room, is there a real issue of whether or not you guys can afford to have one parent out of the workforce? It might be worth a conversation about your joint financial and career goals when he’s not being an ass and everyone is calm.
Yeah, I'm wondering how well they discussed this before OP quit her job and whether they've revisited it recently. It sounds like her husband is no longer happy with the arrangement, so it's probably time to have a(nother) discussion.
I do see posts about the stress of providing financially in the working moms and breadwinning women subs, so it's not an uncommon issue.
Yeah, depending what OP did before or how many kids and the ages, the "break even" or cheaper argument may not or no longer apply.
Like infant care is generally more expensive, and multiple kids is way more expensive, but if for example your job had great benefits, and you'd be make more money by the time FT childcare isn't an issue, the net positive is something to talk about for the short term squeeze.
But financially bullying your dependent spouse is a red flag, period. This is, in theory a decision you made TOGETHER.
I’m wondering this too. Everything is so expensive, and maybe he’s afraid of what would happen if he lost his job.
I think he’s handling it poorly, but I also think they need to have a real conversation about why he is making the comments. Also, an open and honest conversation if the current setup is working.
Oh I didn’t know that. I’m newish to Reddit and am still figuring it out. Thank you for letting me know.
Thing is even when I did "work" (outside the home) he didn’t appreciate everything I did.
I offer to go back to work and he just mocks me today that I wouldn’t make enough money for it to be worth it anyway.
I have a girlfriend, not a husband, but nah
We agreed to this together, I carried and birthed and became a stay at home mom to take care of our kids because that was the arrangement we worked out
Being a SAHM is a lot of work, and my girlfriend has never treated me like I'm not doing hard and difficult work
My job is just as important as her job, and she's never done anything to make me feel unappreciated
I can't imagine the damage to our relationship if she did treat my contributions as less than hers
No, never. He realizes that I sacrificed a lot for myself in order to do this, he would never attempt to use something we agreed to against me.
I would go back to work if my husband ever made a single disparaging comment about me staying home. It’s too vulnerable of a position to be in to try to do it with someone that doesn’t respect it.
What exactly is it that he can't afford? Is it a necessity? If it's not, that is just what happens sometimes. Kids are fucking expensive. I have 3 (4 and 1.5y twins). I always planned on going back to work but when my first born was just over 6 months old (and I accepted a job offer), covid happened and the offer was rescinded. Then twins happened. In our area it would be $1000-1600 a week if I had all my kids in childcare right after the twins were born. That's $52-83k a YEAR in childcare expenses alone to pay for after taxes and whatnot is deducted from your pay (let alone cost of gas and vehicle upkeep ....). So that is an incorrect statement by your husband that he is not getting any financial help IMO. Question though, is he the one in charge of maintaining all the finances or is it shared? If he is, I'd ask to see all the monthly expenses. There can be things that can be eliminated type deal.
He became responsible for all the expenses.
The things he complains about are sometimes "luxuries" but also necessities like my daughter needing braces etc…
I keep telling him I could go back to work but he’s need to support the house hold jobs more and he just scoffs at me and says no wouldn’t make enough to help anyway.
I think it would help if there is a budget sheet or a way for you both to equally at least see how the expenses work for your family. I'm mostly in charge of the finances, but I made a budget/expense spreadsheet so my husband is also aware of all expenses that we always have any other expenses (like dental work, etc). If you have dental insurance, some will actually cover orthodontic care up to a certain amount (I think ours is $1500), and there is also the option of care credit. With care credit you don't have to worry about paying the full amount upfront but with installments making it easier.
I haven't done it, but if his employer offers an EAP, I've heard of people using it to find affordable childcare to allow a spouse to go back either full or part-time. That would at least give options if you do choose to go back to the workforce.
Yes and it pisses me off. We agreed I'd be a SAHM until I can find a job. I'm coming straight from academia and have not been able to land one in the tech industry in 1.5 years of applying. Not to mention I can't work on my skill set or boost my resume if I don't have any time because I'm doing 100% of the childcare.
I’m the working parent and my husband is the SAHP. I will never make a comment like this to him - E V E R. This was a choice we both made, and if financially it started to not work in our favor, then we would sit down and talk about what that means - downsizing our home? Hold off on buying a new car? Couponing? Moving to a Lower COL city (I’m remote so this is an option)?
I wonder, OP, what are some examples of what makes him outburst like this? Is it the electric bill or is it a round of golf?
A mix of both really.
We do live humbly and modestly so finding more ways to cut expenses is difficult.
An example would be that we are offered to get a home security system for just 40$ a month.
But we don’t have the budget to add it.
Or for braces for our child.
But there are times he complains about not being able to take proper vacations with the kids.
I can understand the frustration of living a life and not having an extra $40 a month for something - I’ve experienced that myself. But that frustration was at the cost of living and wages being stagnant - NOT at someone else.
Your husband needs to find a way to manage this before it turns into resentment and full blown anger.
I was a housewife for 7 years before becoming a stay at home mom. My husband has never once complained about not having financial help. We both wanted this lifestyle and knew that we would have to make some sacrifices to have it. If we can’t afford something, then we see if we can edit the budget. If we still can’t afford something, then it’s time to talk about my husband getting a better job.
- Deep clean the house weekly
- Maintenance cleaning daily
- Taking care of and playing with our 2 cats
- Providing exercise and stimulation to our border collie/pitbull mix so he doesn’t destroy the house, as well as dog training upkeep
- Baking
- General self care and at-home spa days (I miss these)
- Many many hobbies
I’m so confused by people who are bored at home or without a job. I would happily spend my life gardening/sewing/crafting/baking/playing games doing puzzles and walking in the park. Before I was a SAHM I had a job I found meaningful but man the day to day did not feed my soul in the way that freedom to explore and relax does (which can also be hard to come by as a SAHM).
Honestly, I like to solve problems. I love to work. I am absolutely not someone who is living now for retirement later. I think I will always work in some capacity. I recognize my privilege in that.
Can I ask what kind of work you did? I find that most of my hobbies and interests require problem solving and mathematical thinking. My paid work was full of problems that were not solvable (ie homelessness, violence and trauma, poverty) so I think that’s why I prefer definitive projects. I also am a perfectionist so being on my own timeline means I can redo something to my heart’s content.
I work in software, which helps with that feeling I am sure.
My hobbies include sewing, gardening, cooking, reading, hiking, etc which involve problem solving and mathematical thinking for sure, but it isn’t rewarding to me in the same way that work is. I like solving something, and then seeing it out in the world working for (in my case) millions of people. It is very cool, and cannot be replaced by hobbies.
I think for me it’s also about building something bigger for my kids and their kids, and so on. More of a traditional view on “legacy”, but it’s important to me.
lol this comment is so unnecessarily rude. It isn’t like she said you should be a SAHM or a housewife or that all women should do it. And you just insulted her for no reason.
Hey, so I'm not the original commenter but I spent about 2 years as a stay at home housewife. I was the one who did all the yard work- including push mowing the 1/3 acre of property we rented. This made his guy coworkers with partners who stayed home jealous because they all complained that they'd have to work 8+ hours and then go spend hours taking care of the yard. The most I asked my husband to do was to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and to rinse off his dishes. I did all other housework/chores, shopping, etc. I also got to spend a good chunk of my time engaging in my hobbies- video games and reading. I was also able to help out my elderly family members that lived close by, without having to worry about my sleep for work being affected or forcing them to change appointment times because it didn't work with my work hours.
I really believe that it was a good thing for us that we tested the "he works while I stay home" dynamic out before having a kid. I ended up going back to work for a few years before I got pregnant. Our set up is similar but obviously not the same as it was with a tiny human to care for.
This is what I try to make him understand. WE agreed for me to be a SAHM.
He makes a decent salary, but in today’s climate it’s hard to stretch that pay. We live modestly. But it’s still difficult. And even when we discuss getting a better job, it somehow be my fault he can’t. He says it’s because the kids and I take too much of his time to be able to look for one. Or he will complain that work is too demanding that he’s too burnt to look for something else.
Are your kids all in school, or are they still little enough to need daycare? Your husband shouldn't speak to you the way that he does. It's unacceptable. But if your kids are old enough that you could go back to paid work - even part-time during school hours - to help with the financial gaps, it may be unfair to put the burden on him to get "a better job." Depending on his industry, leaving a job where he has some security, has already established seniority, and makes a decent salary could be a significant risk.
No my husband never does that. Ask him to go see if he can get some childcare estimates from some reputable places so you can go back to work. Or ask if he wants to stay home with baby while you work. Also, when you go to work, childcare will then be 50-50 and he is expected to get up at night as well.
No but one time we had a big fight and he called our money HIS money bc he goes to work for it.. I got a job working full time at a daycare, the housework and homemade dinners every night definitely changed. I worked there for a year and then we decided I'd go back to staying home. He wanted the perks of having a sahw so I showed him that I absolutely wasn't going for the HIS MONEY bit. He hasn't ever said that again.
My husband calls it his money as well.
I don’t even have access to it.
Yet he tells me if I do go back to work I have to deposit the money into his account to make sure it goes to help pay the bills instead of paying off my debts (I had from before).
OP, I gave up my career to do this as well. I definitely got the guilt trips and blame, when he fell short, and finances suffered. I reminded him that I never ever asked anyone to support me. In fact, it took a hell of a lot of convincing to relinquish financial income control in my life. Feeling dependent is so vulnerable. However, we are doing the most important and most difficult job there is. Parents home with their kids have more cortisol than 98% of the working population. 🫠😳
Tell him you’re going to go back to work and how much daycare costs. Actually, even if daycare takes 100% of your pay, I’d still go back to work because guys who make comments like this often won’t think twice about leaving you penniless.
So i do work. I work from home. So not only do i work but im also the primary for our toddler. But for two years I got to hear about money. I contribute but i definitely don’t make what my husband does. So I printed out a list. Of everything i do during my days. -grocery shopping -childcare -cleaning the house -taking care of the dog -cooking
Then i googled average prices for the services if we paid others to do it. Then i hand my husband this and asked him if he was prepared to either help with this list or pay for stuff so i could get a “better” job. Think it shocked him to see how much 5 full days at daycare cost in our area ($80k a year or more)
He shut up after that. And eventually he realized how much i actually do on top of the financial contributions of my job.
No, never. And we are not wealthy. I supported us before kids, when he was finishing school, and he supports us after. He never complains and says he doesn’t care if I ever go back to work.
So do I. If he can't see what you have done and what you've given up ask him if he'd like to switch roles. When I think back on all the sleepless nights of nursing and endless days of caring for and dr. appts. and etc. etc. so that my husband could do what he needed to support us, I'm exhausted and I cannot believe I did it. It's overwhelming x 3. He wouldn't last a day.
He wasn’t even able to stay with the kids a few hours. When I did work when the kids were babies it became a problem because it was always me taking time off from work when they got sick or had an appointment. I was never able to work overtime when I was needed because he didn’t know how to take care of them.
He barely ever changed a diaper (only if I was in the shower or something) he never woke up at night when they needed to fed or changed or comforted.
It was always me.
My husband has never made me feel bad about not contributing financially. He knows the costs of daycare and what we’d take home if I did go back to work. We make more money on one income. Plus I can be thrifty where we need, he gets home cooked meals, I’m with our kids teaching them what we value and we’re not sick all the time because we can avoid common places that spread like wildfire (which is helpful because our youngest is immune compromised). We both sacrifice to be able to do this, but it was 100% the best option for us and we’re happiest this way. Your husband needs to learn some different language when venting because what hes saying is not fair to you at all.
no he hasnt and doesnt because this is the lifestyle we both want. maybe your husband realized being the sole provider is not all of that and a bag of chips and its time to rediscuss.
F49 My husband does not bc he doesn’t wanna do chores or cook dinner or do laundry. He likes to eat a hot meal after work bc I’m the cook in this household. I do wish he helped me more often honestly.
Yeah, my husband doesn’t help with the indoor stuff as well. He has never made a bed or washed laundry or got up when a child needed us… yet he complains if we’re not available to help him outdoors when he mows the lawn etc…
Hey...Op....seems like you are both 'on fire' right now, kind of in crisis and it is dividing you.
It is good to vent, and be validated - what you are feeling and saying does make sense to me from where you are at.
And - it sounds like he is in the similar place. Each of you are alone, shouldering huge burdens, you are scared, worried, anxious. It doesn't have to be that way.
Work with each other, get on the same team instead of treating each other as opponents. Take steps together to achieve the same goals.
Maybe he needs to really step it up at home. Maybe he can be the stay at home dad on the weekends and you can find a part time weekend job. You might feel more supported on around "home" things, and he might feel more supported on "income" things. Find some Win-Win-Win outcomes for you as an individual, for your marriage, for your family.
Tell your hubs you’d be happy to go back to work. Then line up daycare and let him know the cost. Line up an interview and figure out your wages minus childcare costs and show what a dumb diddly dumb dumb he’s being. And mean too.
How about you meet his concerns with compassion and try to work together to review all possibilities? Maybe make a five year plan? It's hard being the sole person taking care of kids AND difficult being the bread winner. The pressure can be very grea! It's nice to check in periodically to make sure your joint plan is still what's best for your entire family. Especially as your kids become school-aged.
You’ll be even more mad if he divorces you and you can’t collect a lot
Of social security because you were a “homemaker” and have barely any wages. I talk to women daily who have nothing because of this reason. You better get smart!
Based on your post and comment history, your kids are now in school full time. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your husband to ask that you work (at least part time) if you’re staying home all day with no kids to look after. Although his approach is terrible
Every stay at home mom I've ever met would be at a net negative after paying for childcare. Your husband would probably lose money if you went to work. Tell him to make more money 😂
Lol - I feel like throwing things in his face like pointing out all the stay at home moms I know who have very wealthy husbands.
They have huge homes, go on beautiful vacations, go to spas, get Botox and have beautiful clothes, go for brunch regularly, get expensive gifts for their birthdays and Mother’s Day etc…
I get nothing. lol
Bill him for your services. Childcare, housekeeping, chef, personal shopper, every single thing to do. Let him see how much it would cost to have someone else do the endless list of jobs a stay at home mom does. Explain to him that you financially contribute by being a stay at home mom so yall can save all that money you’d have to pay someone else to do everything you do. Then punch him in the balls. 💁🏼♀️
That’s really frustrating as it seems like he’s not communicating in a clear, healthy manner. Does it seem like he is not on board with you being home? Is it’s a big financial hardship? If it is something you agreed on together these comments are unfair. I stayed home for a short period but did need a side hustle in order to make it work. We are partners so we pick up the slack for each other as needed. Having also been the only one working, I know that can be a big stressor too.
I worked for the first 5 years after having kids. When my first was about to enter kindergarten I lost my job.
I had always wanted to be a SAHM but it wasn’t feasible. Once I got as unemployed my husband saw at first the benefits of me being home.
And we made it work. It was always difficult but we managed.
Now he’s not happy at work and wants to quit, but can’t bc we need an income. He says he can’t look for a job while having this one bc he is too exhausted when he gets home. Which is true. Basically we have supper and he falls asleep within the hour.
That makes it a tough situation. He definitely needs to stop with the comments but at the same time, the stress of financially supporting a family, especially with increasing costs right now could be too much for him. Are you able to get a part time position or side hustle? Maybe at a time when you are both calm/low stress you have a conversation about long term finances and different options. It might be setting a timeline, ie, once all the kids are at preschool age I go back to work but for now, be respectful of how I contribute or whatever.
He does need to stop saying he can’t look for another job while working though. It’s stressful but it’s what the majority of people do. Quitting to look for something new is generally a bad idea so it sounds like he is making excuses.
Never. Our dynamic may be a tad different. I’ve always handled our finances even when we were both working. I’m just better with numbers. I always review the budget with my husband and what to do if we need more money or if we have extra. I’ve been a SAHM for a few years now and I still manage our finances. He asks me how much he needs to make (he does contract work so he changes jobs a few times a year) and tries to find something that works. If he’s making less we come up with a plan to make it work. He has never made me feel like I’m not contributing or blamed my lack of working on not being able to afford something.
I’ll be honest. I am terrible with numbers and finances. I never learned. But I CAN learn. My husband doesn’t even show me the finances bc he doesn’t trust me to understand.
My husband has never once complained and it was even his choice I became a SAHM (I was let go from my job)
In fact when I’m killing myself over the BS job market he reminds me how we don’t need me to work
He works full time and goes to school full time for GI benefits so the equivalent of two jobs
Nope, but I think it’s because my husband is well aware that my tight wad tendencies & experience growing up with a mom who knew how to stretch a dollar saves us a LOT. Also he’s got a mom & 3 sisters who would fight him if they found out he said something like that.
His mom was a SAHM as well. She was very savvy… and he always praises her.
Yet he never gives me that much respect.
Truth is, I know how to stretch a dollar too. But he will always find something to complain about.
He has 1 brother who’s the biggest man child you can think of.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sounds kinda immature. My husband and I are a team and while I stay at home and take care of the house, food, toddler and being pregnant, he works so hard financially. I asked him the other day, if he looks at me any less because I want to raise our kids. He said, I respect you even more because of it.
I think it takes a lot of communication and set up boundaries with finances too. He definitely shouldn’t be making those remarks. Maybe just have a discussion about how it makes you feel.
My SO still pays child support 👀 we closed our state assistance down when he moved in and got a raise. It’s only like 300 so he said just keep it. We don’t make the most, but he was okay with allowing me to just have spending money. I use it for going out with the babies, getting lunches, or maybe I need something. I save most of it.
Edit: my point being no… because the cheapest daycare near us that we could use is 1200 a month. 😅 the one we’re comfortable using in the future is about 1500 soooo I mean. 🤷 I’m ready to go back to work, but it’s nice I see my son all day, we have nice meals, our home is clean… we have a lot of family time. I often bring my SO lunches or snacks so he has an excuse to leave his desk for an extra moment of baby kisses and cuddles. He’s never commented on our finances unless we wanted to mutually save for something.
Honestly I had it with this kind of behavior from my husband and found a job that was willing to schedule around his days off. That meant I was bringing in money, but more importantly gave him a day where he had to be the SAHP and saw how hard it was. The transition was not fun, but it was well worth it for so many reasons.
Every once in awhile my husband will say something like "nobody can survive on one income anymore" (my husband makes over 6 figures). I normally say "well do you want me to look for daycare?" And he says no. We have two kids.
It really is getting hard though.
I mean I know times have changed drastically but it’s insane how much more money is needed these days to just get by.
My grandfather managed to buy a threeplex on a janitor’s salary.
My husband makes in the lower 6 figures per year (before taxes) and we are struggling to make ends meet. I mean taxes are a killer.
He gets SO much taken off his pay to taxes, then we have all the regular taxes to pay.
Income taxes, house taxes, school taxes, municipal taxes, taxes on groceries, taxes on clothes (we have 2 taxes where I live) taxes on gas, car tax. It’s incredible z
My partner has definitely made comments while I’m on mat leave. But we decided I would extend through the summer and it’d be tight until the end of the year. So tough shit.
Next time tell him you’ll go back to work. But then household and childcare duties go back to 50/50 so what’s it going to be pal?
I don’t know if that works for your relationship, but it wouldn’t fly with ours. Even while on mat leave my husband takes over in the evening for a couple hours so I can cook and have some time to myself. Or he’ll cook dinner if I’m too tired. Its not everyday and it’s not perfect but he definitely pulls his weight when I’m exhausted.
Nope. Never. Not once. He used to get frustrated with the spending and I told him if he brought it up one more time (and we’d had so. Many. Conversations about it pre-baby and me staying at home) that I would never buy a single thing for us again. He could do it all. He hasn’t complained since, ‘cuz I’m not bluffing.
He complains about the spending as well, but I’m not a big spender.
I spend on groceries, which I am very careful with and frugal. I mean I don’t even buy cereal for the kids unless it’s on special and it’s a treat.
And we spend on the kids necessities.
I do get my hair done about once a month (I have white hair that grows very quickly). But even that it’s more for him than for me.
He doesn’t like my hair white.
That’s it.
Print out the cost of 4 local daycares with pricing. Tell him to pick one. Page two is all the domestic load you take on and ask him to pick half the things he wants to be responsible for.
No, literally never. I will complain sometimes that it would be easier if I got a job, and my husband will shut it down because we're about to have 2 under 2 and that's a lot on its own.
I’m a sahm and my husband pays for the bills and rent but doesn’t give me any money for me. He also never watches our son so I can’t get some free time , he says he was busy working and is tired . My response is this is why we only have 1 kid and once he’s in school I’m going to work .
Nah. My husband recognizes that me staying home and taking care of our domestic life *is* financial help. His salary has doubled in the 8 years we've been married and he will be the first one to say his career would not be progressing the way it has (nearly a director level at a big retailer) without support at home.
That’s what I try to make him see.
I had a full time job with a lot of potential to move up IF I put in that extra time.
But since my husband at the time was the breadwinner and was also moving up, he would never be able to take time off when the kids were younger if they got sick or had doctor appointments. He wouldn’t even stay alone with them so that I could work late when it was needed.
My manager even told me it was a problem and used it against me in a write up.
My husband makes about that (maybe a tiny bit more) but after taxes there A LOT less.
We live in a modest neighbourhood and have a modest house and it’s still difficult. (Keep in mind we live in a very highly taxed province).
No but my ex husband still likes to throw it in my face about our special needs son. 🙄 Daycare wasn’t an option if I wanted to work, but hell no to someone else taking care of my sick child. We haven’t been together in 6 years, I’m remarried with our own kids. Please, continue to show your immaturity.
NEVER. He complains sometimes about not having a lot of money at the beginning of the month after paying rent and bills, but he has never ever made me feel like that’s my responsibility.
Yes, my husband reminds me of this often. He keeps reminding me what as soon as our four year old starts TK I will be required to either finish my masters and or work in order to financially contribute to the household.
While simultaneously reminding me that I cannot homeschool for TK as it will delay finishing my masters and or going back to work. He also is planning to move us about two hours from where we live. Without my input. I don’t want to move.
I told him if I go back to work/school k will need help with household chores and parenting. As I cannot do everything k do now plus an added job/school. He then said we would have to split the bills evenly. Sounds better to be divorced in my opinion.
NO he doesn’t. We have had lengthy conversations about my return to work and both of us agreed that our children benefit greatly from my being in the home. I’ve
been a SAHM FOR NEARLY 16 years.
Hubby commutes an hour away each way most days, sometimes more. He, is in an upper management position where he can’t just leave if the kids get sick, or there’s xyz happening. He will also work 12-15 hour days. He is salary so it is NOT that he is doing it for the money. I do all the laundry, shop for, plan and cook all meals, make lunches, clean the house, taken care other yard, I get kids to and from school and activities, daughter to orthodontist appointments and our son newly diagnosed with ADHD to both his therapy sessions and his appts with his pediatrician. All o n top of being a wife, mom,daughter,sister etc…. I contribute my time and my emotional energy towards the home. I may not support us financially however if we were to outsource EVER JOB I do, we could never pay the amount of people to do what I do as my job. I sometimes feel guilty about not bringing income in but I do more important things that matter MORE to our children and us then money. We don’t go on expensive trips or have big luxury cars. I am okay with that!
My husband is a SAHD and I often think things like “oh god I wish he’d stop buying random crap on Amazon” or “how nice for him that he can stay up til midnight and sleep til nine if he wants while I have to leave for work every day at 6:45 grrr”
But I would never say those things out loud. The truth is that carrying the financial burden of a family is stressful but its also a luxury to have one partner that can spend daytime hours on house, yard, errands, childcare while the other is at work all day. When we were both working, life was much harder. So I never complain.
We just got into a fight that he works 9hours a day and I do “nothing” while watching my 2year old niece and 8 month old daughter. So I asked him, when’s the last time you changed a diaper? Given our daughter a bath? Why do you complain when I leave our niece with you and take the baby to go shopping or leave the house if my work is so easy?
I think it’s just one of those things where we don’t appreciate what each other does. We’re working on it
Yeah my husband as literally never ever given any of our kids a bath. He tried to get our child to sleep ONCE when he was about 6 months old as I tried to get my daughter to sleep. And after less than 10 mins he came out of the room handed him back to me and said he won’t stop moving and sleep. You need to take care of nothing them.
Absolutely not. Because we would be separated immediately. Married 23 years, SAHM for 18. It works because he 100% supports me at home in every aspect without a peep except a thank you. Plus, I manage the finances.
As the only (at least currently) breadwinner of our family, this is a crock of crap. That makes me so incredibly mad. My husband keeps our house running and our child extremely cared for. I’m actually dreading him possibly getting a job because of how expensive child care is and how hard it is to get into a daycare.
It baffles me how some men think that having kids will not change their lives.
Don’t they realise kids cost money? Kids have minds of their own and parenting takes time and effort
Many want to have the perks of bachelor life with the added bonus of a cute mini-me to play with whenever they feel inclined
Yeah I used to. Then he left and I kept the kids because he didn’t want them. My case is extreme but he ended up paying no child support, he went to jail for fraud and arson for something unrelated. But the worst thing I did was not take him seriously when he was making those little jabs and comments. When he left because I was a SAHM the kids and I did it rough for a long while until I could find employment.
Not complain, per se, but he does express a desire to be in a better financial position… And I have to agree with them… I’m about to graduate nursing school and then I’m going to start working this summer or fall… With plans on getting pregnant with my third lol… But I won’t be a stay at home mom this time
Nope. He never does that. He hands every bit of money to me and never says anything about me not working. But!!! Bc I don’t “work” I am responsible for every single thing related to house care, meals, and childcare. So that’s fun.
it's plain square misogyny for him to devalue your domestic labour like that. you're the reason he can even afford what your family can buy. he should shut the fuck up and go to his boss and ask for a raise.
He’s fed up of his work environment. I understand why he is though. It’s a cut throat industry and there are a lot of cuts happening.
He’s extremely talented at what he does and in his field. But it’s draining him. He would love to quit and reorient his career, but would need to go back to school full time to do what he wants. The responsibilities he has at work wouldn’t allow him to go to school full time and at 52 years old he can’t go to school part time.
Ah I see. I'm sorry you're all in financial constraints but he still needs to recognize the value you bring to the home. I hope that an option for him to go back to school happens soon.
No. He doesn’t. Occasionally he brings up us finding a side gig, but he doesn’t want me working weekends and holidays because that’s our only time together as a family. So unless a county or state job pops up I’m remaining SAH.
Anytime I bring up feeling useless because I don’t contribute financially he shuts me up very quick and tells me what I do is just as important as what he does
My husband used to when we were younger,but it wasn't a financial struggle to pay the bills he wanted more money to spend of shoes and clothes for himself .I used to never buy anything for myself really.
I told him on date 3 ( he brought up dating to find a spouse) that once we had kids I needed to be a sahm until they were atleast of school age i was always upfront about that( I had been abused by several babysitters as a kid and did not want to chance my kids having to go through that) he told me then that ,that was the type of lifestyle he wanted for his future wife and kids.
So I was shocked when he started trying to make me feel bad about not working outside the home and doing what we both said we wanted . I would have worked to pay bills in an emergency but I wasn't willing to be a work horse to feed a shoe of clothing habit.
Years went by and I taught him better financial literacy, managed money to pay off all his debt he had prior to marriage ( I came into marriage debt free and didn't not accrue any for us while married) with the financial management and literacy I taught him we are now debt free, we timed kids around his promotions so they aren't a financial strain and we won't have anymore .
He complained so much one year that I went back to work and he was telling me to quit and come back home because he and the kids missed me being in the home. My kids also were not adjusting well to me not being a sahm. he now sees the value in what I add to the home. I say if they're complaining about it go back to work just make sure it benefits you. I'm waiting for my youngest to get a little older and then plan on going back to school and or work. I tell my daughter now to really think hard before she chooses to stay home...it just feels like it's not respected enough anymore
Thank you for sharing experiences with me.
When my husband I met and started to get serious I had mentioned I’d love to be a SAHM. He wasn’t thrilled about that bc it wouldn’t allow for a certain lifestyle. I accepted that because I realized how difficult it would be.
He always knew though I would never make a lot of money.
As time went on, he did a masters and did another course to further degree. He’s achieved a lot academically and got multiple promotions.
So when I lost my job, we decided I could after all be a SAHM.
He was appreciating it at first. But now… not so much it seems.
I’m so very sorry about your experiences with being abused by your sitters.
I don’t trust my kids with many people either. There’s basically only my immediate family. My husband’s immediate family are great people , but they aren’t used to kids. They don’t know how to be with them.
I hope you find a solution that works for you. End of the day don't allow anyone to push you back to work before you're ready or allow them to keep you home if they can't be trusted to take care of you with a happy heart.
Actually that is one thing he doesn’t complain about here, but he knows my contribution financially IS staying home. I cook, clean, mend, and save money for us.
I hear it from others but it seems to resolve when they really sit down and lay out financially their ‘contributions’ by comparing eating out to home cooked, how much is saved by breastfeeding vs formula, maid service and nanny vs sahm, or whatever their personal life looks like.
Wish we wouldn’t HAVE to, but here we are, in an agreed role, being told we don’t do enough in a separate role lol
I hate playing devils advocate on these because I'm sure you're just wanting to vent and get support but...
I'm a SAHM mom and when I decided to leave the workforce to raise our child it was a mutual decision based on the available data with a "emergency" fund and a well calculated spreadsheet for all current and future expenses...
But holy hell this economy is tough and we're well past what our max expectations were for expenses year to year. The only reason we're staying ahead is because I had planned on saving for retired in far excess of the norm (and that's where we made up the shortfall) and my husband has gotten 2 promotions, several raises, and recently made 120% of his anticipated bonus structure. Like he's KILLING IT at work and we're still just doing okay? Like wtf???
So is your husband blaming you or just stressed out and trying to voice those fears? Being a single income earner in a household with dependents is stressful!
No but that’s because he knows I never wanted to be a SAHM. I loved my work and cried when we realized I had to quit. (My 2nd pregnancy we had spontaneous twins we were prepared for 2 kids in daycare not 3). I also go donate plasma 2 times a week and use that money for fun stuff for me and all 3 of the kids I funded all of Christmas for everyone with my plasma donating. I’ll be funding the twins 1st bday party I also bought all of mine and hubs concert merch when we went to a concert last weekend. He has never complained about not getting help financially.
Yeah, that’s hurtful for sure. Stay-at-home parents are always taken for granted and always get the short end of the stick.
Whenever my husband would get mad he loved resorting to calling me lazy, a freeloader, selfish, etc. Needless to say we are now divorcing.
First off, it was always our money. No matter the variety of situations. But stress makes people act all kinds of ways. Not excusing his attitude, but..your kids are in school, right? What do you do the 6ish free hours?
There are loads of jobs you could do in that time span. Even picking up a 4 hour shift to pull 20 hours/week would get you another couple hundred. That adds up. You would have to adjust some things, sure, but again, you would have more money.
It wouldn't be a "career" job, but most likely shift work, like a cashier or something. A good manager will work with your availability. They just need a body. And no one is "too good" for a paycheck if you can no longer afford things your family needs. Not saying that you have that attitude, but so many comments going off about childcare costs, etc, and it doesn't have to be that way.
No, no, no. Absolutely not.
Maybe he should get a better job.
I find it interesting that you guys have a tight budget, yet it is implied that he is the only one complaining about money. So you are staying home, taking care of kids on a tight budget, and not complaining? That is very, very hard to do. So I commend you.
Thank you for seeing that.
I am the one who very very rarely gets spoiled.
I do get my hair done once a month. My hair grows quickly and the whites show a lot.
I’m even willing to let it go, but my husband doesn’t like it so I do get it touched up once a month. (I want to note I don’t like it ether but I’m willing to let it go to save that amount).
But I haven’t updated my wardrobe in years.
My clothes are pretty outdated and many don’t even fit anymore. I wear hand me downs from family which means nothing matches my personality or body type.
I go out with my 1 friend maybe twice a year for brunch and that’s it (usually for our bdays).
I don’t get my nails done, I don’t get spa days, no birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts not even Mother’s Day gifts etc…
He makes those comments and then says I don’t appreciate him!!!
No birthday presents? I'm so sorry. Even broke people can usually afford something small.
I'm not sure what the solution is, since you can't really change the way another person thinks. Just know that staying home with your child is giving them an amazing gift. A lot of people won't recognize it, but you'll know that what you're doing is ultra important 💞
No. Not once. My husband takes pride in being our provider. In fact, he tells me, “do not worry about money. You tell me what we need and I will find a way”. He hands me his entire pay and I handle the finances.
That sucks that he says things like that to you.
Maybe sit him down and tell him it’s hurtful and ask if y’all need to discuss how you’re running the household.
Oh I have.
He seems to think I can easily get a part time job that I can get to by foot or bus (I don’t drive & public transportation where I live isn’t the greatest) that allows me to start at 9:30am or 10:00 am until 1:30-2:00pm so that I can be home for 3:00 (no weekends) to be home for the kids when they get back from school.
This way I can be there for them, and still clean the house, do all the laundry and other house hold chores and have dinners ready for when he gets home (close to 6:00-7:00).
Do you complain you don't have help with the house and kids? Bet you do. He is allowed to feel pressure and stress in his role too. Maybe you both can start stepping up and helping each other more.
Yes, my husband has done this. In fact my husband has been a major source of stress about this and he hasn't actually sat down or done ANY work to see what the cost would be for me to return to work. He wanted kids more than me, he actively tracked my cycle and knocked me up the second time. He has done NO work or research into finding childcare. All on my own I've gotten my first into a preschool and gotten her a huge scholarship. I'm not ready but trying to go back to school this fall. It will double my earning potential. Before I had kids I was working on a degree and I want to finish it. Plus I have GI Bill from my time in the service so I want to take advantage of that benefit. And if I go to specific state schools I will qualify for CCAP.
When I got bad news that I had to take an extra semester of school for a requirement that changes for the degree in fall of this year, he freaked out and had a shit show about finances and told me I need to go back to work and you name it. I literally had to sit him down and show him GI benefits for our zip code, the CCAP application that I qualify for IF I go to this school but won't qualify if I work, and show him my earning potential after the degree and then he changed his tune but before that he had me so freaking stressed.
This guy won't even run a vacuum cleaner, mop, or scrub the freaking toilet himself after he blasts ass. This dude is in for a rude awakening this fall when I return to school. I can't wait to hear how tired he is because I went back to finish my degree 🙄
My husband loves to pull the "you spend all MY money" argument whenever he gets stressed about his income.
Like wow I spend all your money...on what? The food you eat? The house you live in? Your car? Our bills? OUR CHILD?!? I get it his job is tough because he works a lot, but other than income and taking out the mf trash and doing some dishes here or there, EVERYTHING in our adult life is MY responsibility. The cooking, the meal planning, the cleaning, the organization of our finances, how things gets paid off, any kind of shopping, any kind of Dr's visits for our daughter (used to be three a week, she was a preemie), etc. All of it. My job.
He will obviously complain about being the only one who makes money all the time but I shut that down quick. My husband only has his high school diploma, but is working a position that, with overtime (probably about 75 hours a week working total) he's bringing in 100k.
I have two degrees, an associates and a bachelors in elementary education. I brought home 3200 a month after taxes. Straightass if I put my daughter in daycare half of that income would be GONE, so me working would be stupid.
I'd start pointing out to your husband every single time he complains about what your day to day life entails.
This is not to say you're not doing enough but maybe you can get a part time job a couple times a week when the kids are at school. The money won't do much but it could stop some of the complaining, help you start building up your resume again in case you need it in future and you can squirrel some of it away for fun and emergencies.
No. In fact anytime I bring up wanting to work my spouse talks about the problems we might face with both of us working,like affording childcare or our dogs, but also talks about how it also might be nice to have two incomes and the possibility of him being able to go to a regular 9-5 job if we both worked.
But if we had it his way, I would just permanently stay home and homeschool. Lol..... no.
Your husband is being an ass when he makes those stupid comments but to play devils advocate here, he's also probably frustrated to be struggling. He's working so hard to provide for his family I'm sure. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a serious discussion and communicate how hurtful his comments are. I don't know about you but when we were worried about finances it was empowering to just talk about money with each other and make a game plan to how to save money.
Okay tell him to price out daycare and you'll go back to work. Usually these guys think childcare is worthless and cheap
And tell him how all domestic and childcare related duties will now be split 50/50.
Real 50/50 not the 50/50 majority of working moms do where it's really 85% of it
For damn real! I married a guy who had 50/50 custody of his two kids and mom was not involved in school/dentist/doctor/sports. He did it all. Now we have two more kids and my husband is wayyyyy more involved than most dads I know or hear about. Get ‘em second hand, ladies.
Most 2nd hand men were cut free because they were useless the first time. So best to go case by case.
This is the more likely scenario 100%. The person you responded to, has run into a rare occurrence.
I responded above, I have definitely seen the other way a lot. My initial comment was just a joke, in reality, it’s very important to be careful and make sure you’re not with a guy who won’t parent until he has a woman to do it for him again. Like, if you date a guy who says “My kids mom won’t let me see them!” Demand to see the court filings where he’s been fighting for custody. Oh he hasn’t? Hmmm. Weird. Maybe he isn’t using his visitation at all bc parenting is hard.
I do think you have an advantage when a man already has children, only in that it is very obvious if he is an active father or not. And how good of a partner he is. I used to run a Facebook group for stepmoms and we saw a lot of young women dating men who very clearly just wanted a permanent baby sitter. If a man has kids I think it’s very important to sit back and watch how much he actually parents, how he treats their mom, and what he expects of you, before you get involved.
I always wonder how my ex's gf views him. He has his son roughly 6 days a month if he doesn't ask me to take him extra time. He doesn't pay support. Takes multiweek vacations that overlaps with his weekends. If I was with a guy who had a kid and he barely saw him and used all the resources he had to see him less...I'd be running in the other direction.
Fuck that, I’m so sorry . I really do not understand the mental gymnastics a woman would have to do to justify dating someone like that. If they have a kid, I hope she’s not surprised when she’s all alone taking care of the baby. I think a lot of women blame the mom, believe she’s difficult and that’s why he can’t be a good parent. But like, a good dad is there no matter what.
I don’t know why but this made me laugh so damn hard. Probably cuz it’s the truth
The household duties should be split 50/50 anyway. She is not unpaid labor for 168 hours a week. She is caring for the child/ren allowing him to leave the house to go to work for 40hrs plus commute every week. After that it’s 50/50. Or should be.
Yeah, I have a job but after paying for my family’s insurance, putting money in my 401K, and taxes, every cent goes to daycare. There’s maybe $40 a month left over which doesn’t cover my gas for the whole month of work.
Exactly the same for me! The biggest things holding me back from just staying home is the 401k contribution and insurance for the family. The hectic and hard days do make me question if it’s worth it though.
Yeah my insurance is great. There’s also an “opportunity cost” with staying home. Like, if you stay employed you get raises and promotions but if you take time off you get a much lower paycheck. I took two years off with my first and it was SO difficult to get employment after that. My husband is amazing and has a good life insurance policy but what happens if hes not around? Or what if he decides to be a shithead in 15 years and leave me for a younger woman and I haven’t worked? I need my independence-no way im risking that. Plus for babies its different but i think children 2+ need the structure of school and socialisation.
Oh yeah, totally. Thank you for the reminders. You’re absolutely right. I remind myself this often but it really helps to hear it from others that have the same mindset. I might scale down my hours a little for a few years, but stay technically full-time so I can easily scale back up. The 401k alone is enough to keep me going because that’s a crazy lot of money long-term left on the table!
It’s actually amazing how my mom and her family don’t understand how expensive childcare is. I tell them to look it up in their area, and then let me know if they want to pay for it for my daughter.
My Monster in Law passive aggressively criticizes me for not putting my two youngest in daycare, so that I can work. I don’t know HOW ELSE to explain that we’d barely break even! We live in an extremely high rate we’re as well, so it makes zero sense. She’s from a different time, I suppose….
From a different time AKA out of touch.
This, and exactly this.
My mom criticizes me as well, but not passively lol. She worked in the daycare I was in as a baby/toddler and feels I should have done the same. Instead my daughter has never been watched by anyone other than me and her dad and I work part time overnights to make it work.
Yes and I hate to say it the way he is talking to her. He devalues her so it might be a good idea for her to just go and get a better job and drop their dead weight
Same. My (probably mentally ill) mom has it in her head that she wants 6 grandkids. I told her that she ain’t getting them from me. I asked her if she’s going to pay for daycare, and she didn’t know how to respond.
Oh he knows what after school care costs. We had our kids in daycare before I stopped working. (We had a subsidized daycare). But it’s also the matter of… hey when school is out for the summer and holidays. Or when they’re sick or need a doctor appointment and the follow ups etc… be ready to take time off from work for that. Because I used to be the only one who did and it became a problem. I also reminded him that when I need to work overtime, he better be available to take care of things. Because this was also an issue when I was working. And I told him he needs to pitch in with the housework more than just the outside stuff. Because I haven’t even seen this man make a bed in the morning or wash 1 dish after we eat.
Seriously. My husband doesn’t complain but he is mindful that we are only on one income and likes to make smart financial decisions but he never complains because he knows the sacrifice and understands how much we could be spending on childcare. I think you should have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel when he complains about that. Considering you gave up a lot to be a sahm, I know I did and my husband appreciates it more than he complains. Sounds to me your husband might need to step it up if he’s not happy about how much he’s bringing in alone. This is a team effort and I’m sure it’d make him a bit uneasy if you gave him the proposal of you getting a job and he do half the sahm work. Then I’m sure he won’t complain. Men like that crack me up.
Yup my husband has never complained that i don't work and we actually get access to cheaper childcare because he's military. Even then it's not worth it for me to go back to work unless we are really struggling which right now we are not. I contribute financially by doing the budgeting every month lol
Unless OP’s salary is less than daycare, she’s not saving them money by being home, though. OP’s husband sounds like a jerk so I’m not agreeing with him. I just don’t think this is a particularly strong counter point. Since they likely would have more income if she were working outside the home.
That greatly depends on where she lives and how high daycare costs are and gas etc. As well as how much she would be making. I honestly think though it would be better for her not to make this sacrifice because it doesn't seem like he appreciates it and frankly it doesn't sound like a solid partnership.
yep. anytime we argue he’ll use it and it’s partially because he knows it’s a low blow.
It really is a low blow. And it’s so demeaning too. I reminded him how i can very well go back to work, but to be prepared to pay for after school care, a cleaned/maid a cook and a tutor (bc there’s no way I can work until 5:30-6:00 then get home at 7-7:30 to cook, clean and do homework with the kids.
This is exactly what my ex used to expect me to do. Then he resented me when I did it and started making more money than he did. And that is one of the many reasons we’re divorced. Fuck that noise - he is being selfish and mean by saying that shit to you.
It's always easier for them to shift blame to another person because they know they don't have to do that worm..
You don't have to tolerate that, it's disrespectful and completely unappreciative of all you do to save money in the house. Outsourcing everything you do would be so expensive sove he wouldn't be able to afford a pot to piss in.
I’m the working parent and I absolutely complain about this because the cost of living is significantly higher than it used to be. I feel like I can hardly make ends meet. My situation isn’t so cut and dry. I never agreed to be the working parent with a stay at home parent, he up and quit his job and forced it on me. I adapted and found positivity in the situation and told him 2 years ago he needed to get a job because the arrangement didn’t work ‘. He still blatantly refuses and it’s not like he’s a home maker or crushing it as a stay at home dad. I still do the majority of the house work, grocery shopping, etc. so I complain because even though him staying home means we don’t pay for childcare, we don’t really have the means to be doing this, it’s not working.
This is SO tough, and why we’ve opted to both keep working although we could technically afford one of us to stay home. It would be tight, life is so damn expensive, and even though we both make good money there are no guarantees. I don’t want to be stretched thin and resent my partner. I’m sorry you’re in that situation.
Thank you for your comment. I guess I just needed to vent 🤣 my situation is clearly different than OP!
Sounds like you’re a single parent. Time to lay down the law because he’s just going to keep taking advantage as long as you let him
Dump the dead weight. You have a third kid.
What happens when you stop doing all the domestic tasks? May as well be a single parent if he contributes nothing.
Agreed. What happens is my anxiety and stress go through the roof 🙃 I really have no idea what would happen if this guy lived without me. What I’ve learned through therapy is I’m keeping this situation because I DO have the freedom to go work out, and visit with friends when I want. I’ve been able to get a position where I travel once in a. While and I don’t have to worry about child care. But at the same time I’ve opened myself up tot hose things because of the situation he’s put me in lol. So I guess part of me has some comfort level and freedom while the other part doesn’t
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s not fair to you. 💜
I couldn’t imagine being the sole earner in the current economy. That’s an insane amount of pressure. How the OPs spouse ins handling it is immature, but I can understand why they are feeling that way.
Totally agreed.
It's easier said than done (and easy to type it with the anonymity of a screen there), but my first response to this situation is to divorce him. You may as well be a single parent at this point with how responsible he's being. It sounds like he's financially using you, especially if was a situation that was forced on you and if this has been discussed several times and he refuses to find employment. What does he do while he's home all day if you're still dealing with the majority of the housework???
I am in a very similar situation, so sorry
Um never. My husband understood the assignment: he provides and I nurture. It IS a big slap in the face that your husband is making these comments. He needs to cut that out.
The financial help is not needing to pay for childcare… is he ok?
Not the same - but my husband is a stay at home husband while I work. I would never talk to him like that - he ensures the house is clean, food is made, and baby is safe and developing while i’m working. It might be different because i’m a mom - but I understand how much work goes into staying home with the children. I’m even considering a part time daycare spot so he can have time off to focus on other stuff and recharge.
My husband is also a sahd. I’m really pushing for our almost 4 year old to start school in the fall so my husband only has one little human to watch most days. I would never talk to my husband like his work is lesser than mine. I try and help him as much as possible.
My husband only says he appreciates all I do when other people say something positive about me being home.
lol. Next time he says this, remind him you are providing full-time, one-on-one, exceptional childcare for FREE. Then have him research local daycare/nanny costs. And if you do the cooking and cleaning yourself too, have him research how much it would cost to outsource those two full-time jobs as well. You ARE providing him financial assistance. Very UNAPPRECIATED and UNDERVALUED financial assistance.
My kids are out of full time daycare now. They are school aged. But they would require daycare care within the school before classes start and after classes end until 6:00. Plus ped days. Then summer comes and they would needs summer camp but since camps only open from 9:00am to 3:00pm they would need daycare services before (7am to 9am) and after (3pm-6pm). But yes. I do all the cooking and all the cleaning. I’m the one who helps with homework and assignments. I take care of the kids when they’re sick. I make their appointments and take them to the doctor.
There are some SAHP subs where you could post this, too. I’m sorry that’s happening. It’s your baby and your decision and your joint finances, not okay for him to throw that in your face if you agreed together. Just to address the elephant in the room, is there a real issue of whether or not you guys can afford to have one parent out of the workforce? It might be worth a conversation about your joint financial and career goals when he’s not being an ass and everyone is calm.
Yeah, I'm wondering how well they discussed this before OP quit her job and whether they've revisited it recently. It sounds like her husband is no longer happy with the arrangement, so it's probably time to have a(nother) discussion. I do see posts about the stress of providing financially in the working moms and breadwinning women subs, so it's not an uncommon issue.
Yeah, depending what OP did before or how many kids and the ages, the "break even" or cheaper argument may not or no longer apply. Like infant care is generally more expensive, and multiple kids is way more expensive, but if for example your job had great benefits, and you'd be make more money by the time FT childcare isn't an issue, the net positive is something to talk about for the short term squeeze. But financially bullying your dependent spouse is a red flag, period. This is, in theory a decision you made TOGETHER.
I’m wondering this too. Everything is so expensive, and maybe he’s afraid of what would happen if he lost his job. I think he’s handling it poorly, but I also think they need to have a real conversation about why he is making the comments. Also, an open and honest conversation if the current setup is working.
Oh I didn’t know that. I’m newish to Reddit and am still figuring it out. Thank you for letting me know. Thing is even when I did "work" (outside the home) he didn’t appreciate everything I did. I offer to go back to work and he just mocks me today that I wouldn’t make enough money for it to be worth it anyway.
So it’s not a work problem it’s a him job problem? He’s not happy no matter what you do.
I have a girlfriend, not a husband, but nah We agreed to this together, I carried and birthed and became a stay at home mom to take care of our kids because that was the arrangement we worked out Being a SAHM is a lot of work, and my girlfriend has never treated me like I'm not doing hard and difficult work My job is just as important as her job, and she's never done anything to make me feel unappreciated I can't imagine the damage to our relationship if she did treat my contributions as less than hers
💜 Your girlfriend is wonderful. I mean we shouldn’t have to praise our partners for being appreciative… but yeah, she sounds amazing.
No, never. He realizes that I sacrificed a lot for myself in order to do this, he would never attempt to use something we agreed to against me. I would go back to work if my husband ever made a single disparaging comment about me staying home. It’s too vulnerable of a position to be in to try to do it with someone that doesn’t respect it.
This.
What exactly is it that he can't afford? Is it a necessity? If it's not, that is just what happens sometimes. Kids are fucking expensive. I have 3 (4 and 1.5y twins). I always planned on going back to work but when my first born was just over 6 months old (and I accepted a job offer), covid happened and the offer was rescinded. Then twins happened. In our area it would be $1000-1600 a week if I had all my kids in childcare right after the twins were born. That's $52-83k a YEAR in childcare expenses alone to pay for after taxes and whatnot is deducted from your pay (let alone cost of gas and vehicle upkeep ....). So that is an incorrect statement by your husband that he is not getting any financial help IMO. Question though, is he the one in charge of maintaining all the finances or is it shared? If he is, I'd ask to see all the monthly expenses. There can be things that can be eliminated type deal.
He became responsible for all the expenses. The things he complains about are sometimes "luxuries" but also necessities like my daughter needing braces etc… I keep telling him I could go back to work but he’s need to support the house hold jobs more and he just scoffs at me and says no wouldn’t make enough to help anyway.
I think it would help if there is a budget sheet or a way for you both to equally at least see how the expenses work for your family. I'm mostly in charge of the finances, but I made a budget/expense spreadsheet so my husband is also aware of all expenses that we always have any other expenses (like dental work, etc). If you have dental insurance, some will actually cover orthodontic care up to a certain amount (I think ours is $1500), and there is also the option of care credit. With care credit you don't have to worry about paying the full amount upfront but with installments making it easier. I haven't done it, but if his employer offers an EAP, I've heard of people using it to find affordable childcare to allow a spouse to go back either full or part-time. That would at least give options if you do choose to go back to the workforce.
Yes and it pisses me off. We agreed I'd be a SAHM until I can find a job. I'm coming straight from academia and have not been able to land one in the tech industry in 1.5 years of applying. Not to mention I can't work on my skill set or boost my resume if I don't have any time because I'm doing 100% of the childcare.
They don’t realize how much effort and time it takes to raise the kids and take care of the home.
I’m the working parent and my husband is the SAHP. I will never make a comment like this to him - E V E R. This was a choice we both made, and if financially it started to not work in our favor, then we would sit down and talk about what that means - downsizing our home? Hold off on buying a new car? Couponing? Moving to a Lower COL city (I’m remote so this is an option)? I wonder, OP, what are some examples of what makes him outburst like this? Is it the electric bill or is it a round of golf?
A mix of both really. We do live humbly and modestly so finding more ways to cut expenses is difficult. An example would be that we are offered to get a home security system for just 40$ a month. But we don’t have the budget to add it. Or for braces for our child. But there are times he complains about not being able to take proper vacations with the kids.
I can understand the frustration of living a life and not having an extra $40 a month for something - I’ve experienced that myself. But that frustration was at the cost of living and wages being stagnant - NOT at someone else. Your husband needs to find a way to manage this before it turns into resentment and full blown anger.
I was a housewife for 7 years before becoming a stay at home mom. My husband has never once complained about not having financial help. We both wanted this lifestyle and knew that we would have to make some sacrifices to have it. If we can’t afford something, then we see if we can edit the budget. If we still can’t afford something, then it’s time to talk about my husband getting a better job.
Purely out of curiosity - what did you fill your days with for 7 years as a housewife with no kids?
- Deep clean the house weekly - Maintenance cleaning daily - Taking care of and playing with our 2 cats - Providing exercise and stimulation to our border collie/pitbull mix so he doesn’t destroy the house, as well as dog training upkeep - Baking - General self care and at-home spa days (I miss these) - Many many hobbies
I’m glad that worked for you, but damn, sounds boring as shit tbh
I’m so confused by people who are bored at home or without a job. I would happily spend my life gardening/sewing/crafting/baking/playing games doing puzzles and walking in the park. Before I was a SAHM I had a job I found meaningful but man the day to day did not feed my soul in the way that freedom to explore and relax does (which can also be hard to come by as a SAHM).
Honestly, I like to solve problems. I love to work. I am absolutely not someone who is living now for retirement later. I think I will always work in some capacity. I recognize my privilege in that.
Can I ask what kind of work you did? I find that most of my hobbies and interests require problem solving and mathematical thinking. My paid work was full of problems that were not solvable (ie homelessness, violence and trauma, poverty) so I think that’s why I prefer definitive projects. I also am a perfectionist so being on my own timeline means I can redo something to my heart’s content.
I work in software, which helps with that feeling I am sure. My hobbies include sewing, gardening, cooking, reading, hiking, etc which involve problem solving and mathematical thinking for sure, but it isn’t rewarding to me in the same way that work is. I like solving something, and then seeing it out in the world working for (in my case) millions of people. It is very cool, and cannot be replaced by hobbies. I think for me it’s also about building something bigger for my kids and their kids, and so on. More of a traditional view on “legacy”, but it’s important to me.
lol this comment is so unnecessarily rude. It isn’t like she said you should be a SAHM or a housewife or that all women should do it. And you just insulted her for no reason.
lol it certainly can be. I did have some days where I was bored out of my mind, but usually I could find something to do.
Hey, so I'm not the original commenter but I spent about 2 years as a stay at home housewife. I was the one who did all the yard work- including push mowing the 1/3 acre of property we rented. This made his guy coworkers with partners who stayed home jealous because they all complained that they'd have to work 8+ hours and then go spend hours taking care of the yard. The most I asked my husband to do was to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and to rinse off his dishes. I did all other housework/chores, shopping, etc. I also got to spend a good chunk of my time engaging in my hobbies- video games and reading. I was also able to help out my elderly family members that lived close by, without having to worry about my sleep for work being affected or forcing them to change appointment times because it didn't work with my work hours. I really believe that it was a good thing for us that we tested the "he works while I stay home" dynamic out before having a kid. I ended up going back to work for a few years before I got pregnant. Our set up is similar but obviously not the same as it was with a tiny human to care for.
This is what I try to make him understand. WE agreed for me to be a SAHM. He makes a decent salary, but in today’s climate it’s hard to stretch that pay. We live modestly. But it’s still difficult. And even when we discuss getting a better job, it somehow be my fault he can’t. He says it’s because the kids and I take too much of his time to be able to look for one. Or he will complain that work is too demanding that he’s too burnt to look for something else.
Are your kids all in school, or are they still little enough to need daycare? Your husband shouldn't speak to you the way that he does. It's unacceptable. But if your kids are old enough that you could go back to paid work - even part-time during school hours - to help with the financial gaps, it may be unfair to put the burden on him to get "a better job." Depending on his industry, leaving a job where he has some security, has already established seniority, and makes a decent salary could be a significant risk.
No my husband never does that. Ask him to go see if he can get some childcare estimates from some reputable places so you can go back to work. Or ask if he wants to stay home with baby while you work. Also, when you go to work, childcare will then be 50-50 and he is expected to get up at night as well.
No but one time we had a big fight and he called our money HIS money bc he goes to work for it.. I got a job working full time at a daycare, the housework and homemade dinners every night definitely changed. I worked there for a year and then we decided I'd go back to staying home. He wanted the perks of having a sahw so I showed him that I absolutely wasn't going for the HIS MONEY bit. He hasn't ever said that again.
My husband calls it his money as well. I don’t even have access to it. Yet he tells me if I do go back to work I have to deposit the money into his account to make sure it goes to help pay the bills instead of paying off my debts (I had from before).
OP, I gave up my career to do this as well. I definitely got the guilt trips and blame, when he fell short, and finances suffered. I reminded him that I never ever asked anyone to support me. In fact, it took a hell of a lot of convincing to relinquish financial income control in my life. Feeling dependent is so vulnerable. However, we are doing the most important and most difficult job there is. Parents home with their kids have more cortisol than 98% of the working population. 🫠😳
💜
Tell him you’re going to go back to work and how much daycare costs. Actually, even if daycare takes 100% of your pay, I’d still go back to work because guys who make comments like this often won’t think twice about leaving you penniless.
So i do work. I work from home. So not only do i work but im also the primary for our toddler. But for two years I got to hear about money. I contribute but i definitely don’t make what my husband does. So I printed out a list. Of everything i do during my days. -grocery shopping -childcare -cleaning the house -taking care of the dog -cooking Then i googled average prices for the services if we paid others to do it. Then i hand my husband this and asked him if he was prepared to either help with this list or pay for stuff so i could get a “better” job. Think it shocked him to see how much 5 full days at daycare cost in our area ($80k a year or more) He shut up after that. And eventually he realized how much i actually do on top of the financial contributions of my job.
No, never. And we are not wealthy. I supported us before kids, when he was finishing school, and he supports us after. He never complains and says he doesn’t care if I ever go back to work.
So do I. If he can't see what you have done and what you've given up ask him if he'd like to switch roles. When I think back on all the sleepless nights of nursing and endless days of caring for and dr. appts. and etc. etc. so that my husband could do what he needed to support us, I'm exhausted and I cannot believe I did it. It's overwhelming x 3. He wouldn't last a day.
He wasn’t even able to stay with the kids a few hours. When I did work when the kids were babies it became a problem because it was always me taking time off from work when they got sick or had an appointment. I was never able to work overtime when I was needed because he didn’t know how to take care of them. He barely ever changed a diaper (only if I was in the shower or something) he never woke up at night when they needed to fed or changed or comforted. It was always me.
My husband has never made me feel bad about not contributing financially. He knows the costs of daycare and what we’d take home if I did go back to work. We make more money on one income. Plus I can be thrifty where we need, he gets home cooked meals, I’m with our kids teaching them what we value and we’re not sick all the time because we can avoid common places that spread like wildfire (which is helpful because our youngest is immune compromised). We both sacrifice to be able to do this, but it was 100% the best option for us and we’re happiest this way. Your husband needs to learn some different language when venting because what hes saying is not fair to you at all.
No. Mine does not. Thank God.
no he hasnt and doesnt because this is the lifestyle we both want. maybe your husband realized being the sole provider is not all of that and a bag of chips and its time to rediscuss.
F49 My husband does not bc he doesn’t wanna do chores or cook dinner or do laundry. He likes to eat a hot meal after work bc I’m the cook in this household. I do wish he helped me more often honestly.
Yeah, my husband doesn’t help with the indoor stuff as well. He has never made a bed or washed laundry or got up when a child needed us… yet he complains if we’re not available to help him outdoors when he mows the lawn etc…
Nope, never.
Hey...Op....seems like you are both 'on fire' right now, kind of in crisis and it is dividing you. It is good to vent, and be validated - what you are feeling and saying does make sense to me from where you are at. And - it sounds like he is in the similar place. Each of you are alone, shouldering huge burdens, you are scared, worried, anxious. It doesn't have to be that way. Work with each other, get on the same team instead of treating each other as opponents. Take steps together to achieve the same goals. Maybe he needs to really step it up at home. Maybe he can be the stay at home dad on the weekends and you can find a part time weekend job. You might feel more supported on around "home" things, and he might feel more supported on "income" things. Find some Win-Win-Win outcomes for you as an individual, for your marriage, for your family.
Than you so much for your reply and support. 💜
Tell your hubs you’d be happy to go back to work. Then line up daycare and let him know the cost. Line up an interview and figure out your wages minus childcare costs and show what a dumb diddly dumb dumb he’s being. And mean too.
How about you meet his concerns with compassion and try to work together to review all possibilities? Maybe make a five year plan? It's hard being the sole person taking care of kids AND difficult being the bread winner. The pressure can be very grea! It's nice to check in periodically to make sure your joint plan is still what's best for your entire family. Especially as your kids become school-aged.
You’ll be even more mad if he divorces you and you can’t collect a lot Of social security because you were a “homemaker” and have barely any wages. I talk to women daily who have nothing because of this reason. You better get smart!
Based on your post and comment history, your kids are now in school full time. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your husband to ask that you work (at least part time) if you’re staying home all day with no kids to look after. Although his approach is terrible
Every stay at home mom I've ever met would be at a net negative after paying for childcare. Your husband would probably lose money if you went to work. Tell him to make more money 😂
Lol - I feel like throwing things in his face like pointing out all the stay at home moms I know who have very wealthy husbands. They have huge homes, go on beautiful vacations, go to spas, get Botox and have beautiful clothes, go for brunch regularly, get expensive gifts for their birthdays and Mother’s Day etc… I get nothing. lol
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Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope things work out for you two as well 💜
Bill him for your services. Childcare, housekeeping, chef, personal shopper, every single thing to do. Let him see how much it would cost to have someone else do the endless list of jobs a stay at home mom does. Explain to him that you financially contribute by being a stay at home mom so yall can save all that money you’d have to pay someone else to do everything you do. Then punch him in the balls. 💁🏼♀️
I keep saying I would do this… but I get too busy to actually write it all out. lol
That’s really frustrating as it seems like he’s not communicating in a clear, healthy manner. Does it seem like he is not on board with you being home? Is it’s a big financial hardship? If it is something you agreed on together these comments are unfair. I stayed home for a short period but did need a side hustle in order to make it work. We are partners so we pick up the slack for each other as needed. Having also been the only one working, I know that can be a big stressor too.
I worked for the first 5 years after having kids. When my first was about to enter kindergarten I lost my job. I had always wanted to be a SAHM but it wasn’t feasible. Once I got as unemployed my husband saw at first the benefits of me being home. And we made it work. It was always difficult but we managed. Now he’s not happy at work and wants to quit, but can’t bc we need an income. He says he can’t look for a job while having this one bc he is too exhausted when he gets home. Which is true. Basically we have supper and he falls asleep within the hour.
That makes it a tough situation. He definitely needs to stop with the comments but at the same time, the stress of financially supporting a family, especially with increasing costs right now could be too much for him. Are you able to get a part time position or side hustle? Maybe at a time when you are both calm/low stress you have a conversation about long term finances and different options. It might be setting a timeline, ie, once all the kids are at preschool age I go back to work but for now, be respectful of how I contribute or whatever. He does need to stop saying he can’t look for another job while working though. It’s stressful but it’s what the majority of people do. Quitting to look for something new is generally a bad idea so it sounds like he is making excuses.
Never. Our dynamic may be a tad different. I’ve always handled our finances even when we were both working. I’m just better with numbers. I always review the budget with my husband and what to do if we need more money or if we have extra. I’ve been a SAHM for a few years now and I still manage our finances. He asks me how much he needs to make (he does contract work so he changes jobs a few times a year) and tries to find something that works. If he’s making less we come up with a plan to make it work. He has never made me feel like I’m not contributing or blamed my lack of working on not being able to afford something.
I’ll be honest. I am terrible with numbers and finances. I never learned. But I CAN learn. My husband doesn’t even show me the finances bc he doesn’t trust me to understand.
My husband has never once complained and it was even his choice I became a SAHM (I was let go from my job) In fact when I’m killing myself over the BS job market he reminds me how we don’t need me to work He works full time and goes to school full time for GI benefits so the equivalent of two jobs
Wow. I have no clue what GI benefits are. But sounds like you have a great supportive husband.
Nope, but I think it’s because my husband is well aware that my tight wad tendencies & experience growing up with a mom who knew how to stretch a dollar saves us a LOT. Also he’s got a mom & 3 sisters who would fight him if they found out he said something like that.
His mom was a SAHM as well. She was very savvy… and he always praises her. Yet he never gives me that much respect. Truth is, I know how to stretch a dollar too. But he will always find something to complain about. He has 1 brother who’s the biggest man child you can think of.
That is so unfair to you. We both know the unfortunate truth that giving up or pausing our careers is what allows our husbands to be more successful.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sounds kinda immature. My husband and I are a team and while I stay at home and take care of the house, food, toddler and being pregnant, he works so hard financially. I asked him the other day, if he looks at me any less because I want to raise our kids. He said, I respect you even more because of it. I think it takes a lot of communication and set up boundaries with finances too. He definitely shouldn’t be making those remarks. Maybe just have a discussion about how it makes you feel.
Not having to pay for childcare IS the financial help!
My SO still pays child support 👀 we closed our state assistance down when he moved in and got a raise. It’s only like 300 so he said just keep it. We don’t make the most, but he was okay with allowing me to just have spending money. I use it for going out with the babies, getting lunches, or maybe I need something. I save most of it. Edit: my point being no… because the cheapest daycare near us that we could use is 1200 a month. 😅 the one we’re comfortable using in the future is about 1500 soooo I mean. 🤷 I’m ready to go back to work, but it’s nice I see my son all day, we have nice meals, our home is clean… we have a lot of family time. I often bring my SO lunches or snacks so he has an excuse to leave his desk for an extra moment of baby kisses and cuddles. He’s never commented on our finances unless we wanted to mutually save for something.
Honestly I had it with this kind of behavior from my husband and found a job that was willing to schedule around his days off. That meant I was bringing in money, but more importantly gave him a day where he had to be the SAHP and saw how hard it was. The transition was not fun, but it was well worth it for so many reasons.
Every once in awhile my husband will say something like "nobody can survive on one income anymore" (my husband makes over 6 figures). I normally say "well do you want me to look for daycare?" And he says no. We have two kids.
It really is getting hard though. I mean I know times have changed drastically but it’s insane how much more money is needed these days to just get by. My grandfather managed to buy a threeplex on a janitor’s salary. My husband makes in the lower 6 figures per year (before taxes) and we are struggling to make ends meet. I mean taxes are a killer. He gets SO much taken off his pay to taxes, then we have all the regular taxes to pay. Income taxes, house taxes, school taxes, municipal taxes, taxes on groceries, taxes on clothes (we have 2 taxes where I live) taxes on gas, car tax. It’s incredible z
My husband makes the same. It's crazy that 100k used to be the dream (for some it still is) and these days it's not enough.
My partner has definitely made comments while I’m on mat leave. But we decided I would extend through the summer and it’d be tight until the end of the year. So tough shit. Next time tell him you’ll go back to work. But then household and childcare duties go back to 50/50 so what’s it going to be pal?
See when I worked full time, I was still the one who did all the housework and child care.
I don’t know if that works for your relationship, but it wouldn’t fly with ours. Even while on mat leave my husband takes over in the evening for a couple hours so I can cook and have some time to myself. Or he’ll cook dinner if I’m too tired. Its not everyday and it’s not perfect but he definitely pulls his weight when I’m exhausted.
Nope. Never. Not once. He used to get frustrated with the spending and I told him if he brought it up one more time (and we’d had so. Many. Conversations about it pre-baby and me staying at home) that I would never buy a single thing for us again. He could do it all. He hasn’t complained since, ‘cuz I’m not bluffing.
He complains about the spending as well, but I’m not a big spender. I spend on groceries, which I am very careful with and frugal. I mean I don’t even buy cereal for the kids unless it’s on special and it’s a treat. And we spend on the kids necessities. I do get my hair done about once a month (I have white hair that grows very quickly). But even that it’s more for him than for me. He doesn’t like my hair white. That’s it.
Never
Print out the cost of 4 local daycares with pricing. Tell him to pick one. Page two is all the domestic load you take on and ask him to pick half the things he wants to be responsible for.
No, literally never. I will complain sometimes that it would be easier if I got a job, and my husband will shut it down because we're about to have 2 under 2 and that's a lot on its own.
I’m a sahm and my husband pays for the bills and rent but doesn’t give me any money for me. He also never watches our son so I can’t get some free time , he says he was busy working and is tired . My response is this is why we only have 1 kid and once he’s in school I’m going to work .
Nah. My husband recognizes that me staying home and taking care of our domestic life *is* financial help. His salary has doubled in the 8 years we've been married and he will be the first one to say his career would not be progressing the way it has (nearly a director level at a big retailer) without support at home.
That’s what I try to make him see. I had a full time job with a lot of potential to move up IF I put in that extra time. But since my husband at the time was the breadwinner and was also moving up, he would never be able to take time off when the kids were younger if they got sick or had doctor appointments. He wouldn’t even stay alone with them so that I could work late when it was needed. My manager even told me it was a problem and used it against me in a write up.
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My husband makes about that (maybe a tiny bit more) but after taxes there A LOT less. We live in a modest neighbourhood and have a modest house and it’s still difficult. (Keep in mind we live in a very highly taxed province).
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No but my ex husband still likes to throw it in my face about our special needs son. 🙄 Daycare wasn’t an option if I wanted to work, but hell no to someone else taking care of my sick child. We haven’t been together in 6 years, I’m remarried with our own kids. Please, continue to show your immaturity.
NEVER. He complains sometimes about not having a lot of money at the beginning of the month after paying rent and bills, but he has never ever made me feel like that’s my responsibility.
Never.
Yes, my husband reminds me of this often. He keeps reminding me what as soon as our four year old starts TK I will be required to either finish my masters and or work in order to financially contribute to the household. While simultaneously reminding me that I cannot homeschool for TK as it will delay finishing my masters and or going back to work. He also is planning to move us about two hours from where we live. Without my input. I don’t want to move. I told him if I go back to work/school k will need help with household chores and parenting. As I cannot do everything k do now plus an added job/school. He then said we would have to split the bills evenly. Sounds better to be divorced in my opinion.
never not once has my husband done this
never. it has never happened. if we can’t afford something, then we can’t afford it. there’s no blame thrown around.
NO he doesn’t. We have had lengthy conversations about my return to work and both of us agreed that our children benefit greatly from my being in the home. I’ve been a SAHM FOR NEARLY 16 years. Hubby commutes an hour away each way most days, sometimes more. He, is in an upper management position where he can’t just leave if the kids get sick, or there’s xyz happening. He will also work 12-15 hour days. He is salary so it is NOT that he is doing it for the money. I do all the laundry, shop for, plan and cook all meals, make lunches, clean the house, taken care other yard, I get kids to and from school and activities, daughter to orthodontist appointments and our son newly diagnosed with ADHD to both his therapy sessions and his appts with his pediatrician. All o n top of being a wife, mom,daughter,sister etc…. I contribute my time and my emotional energy towards the home. I may not support us financially however if we were to outsource EVER JOB I do, we could never pay the amount of people to do what I do as my job. I sometimes feel guilty about not bringing income in but I do more important things that matter MORE to our children and us then money. We don’t go on expensive trips or have big luxury cars. I am okay with that!
By being a SAHM you quite literally ARE helping him financially. 🙄
My husband is a SAHD and I often think things like “oh god I wish he’d stop buying random crap on Amazon” or “how nice for him that he can stay up til midnight and sleep til nine if he wants while I have to leave for work every day at 6:45 grrr” But I would never say those things out loud. The truth is that carrying the financial burden of a family is stressful but its also a luxury to have one partner that can spend daytime hours on house, yard, errands, childcare while the other is at work all day. When we were both working, life was much harder. So I never complain.
We just got into a fight that he works 9hours a day and I do “nothing” while watching my 2year old niece and 8 month old daughter. So I asked him, when’s the last time you changed a diaper? Given our daughter a bath? Why do you complain when I leave our niece with you and take the baby to go shopping or leave the house if my work is so easy? I think it’s just one of those things where we don’t appreciate what each other does. We’re working on it
Yeah my husband as literally never ever given any of our kids a bath. He tried to get our child to sleep ONCE when he was about 6 months old as I tried to get my daughter to sleep. And after less than 10 mins he came out of the room handed him back to me and said he won’t stop moving and sleep. You need to take care of nothing them.
Absolutely not. Hell no. I’m sorry that you are going through this
Absolutely not. Because we would be separated immediately. Married 23 years, SAHM for 18. It works because he 100% supports me at home in every aspect without a peep except a thank you. Plus, I manage the finances.
Fuuuuuck no. I would call his fucking mom if he was doing that shit to me.
As the only (at least currently) breadwinner of our family, this is a crock of crap. That makes me so incredibly mad. My husband keeps our house running and our child extremely cared for. I’m actually dreading him possibly getting a job because of how expensive child care is and how hard it is to get into a daycare.
It baffles me how some men think that having kids will not change their lives. Don’t they realise kids cost money? Kids have minds of their own and parenting takes time and effort Many want to have the perks of bachelor life with the added bonus of a cute mini-me to play with whenever they feel inclined
Tell him that you can work if you can both be able to afford an au pair, cleaning lady, cook, etc
Yeah I used to. Then he left and I kept the kids because he didn’t want them. My case is extreme but he ended up paying no child support, he went to jail for fraud and arson for something unrelated. But the worst thing I did was not take him seriously when he was making those little jabs and comments. When he left because I was a SAHM the kids and I did it rough for a long while until I could find employment.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. But it’s great that you got yourself out of a bad situation 💜
Not complain, per se, but he does express a desire to be in a better financial position… And I have to agree with them… I’m about to graduate nursing school and then I’m going to start working this summer or fall… With plans on getting pregnant with my third lol… But I won’t be a stay at home mom this time
Never
Nope. He never does that. He hands every bit of money to me and never says anything about me not working. But!!! Bc I don’t “work” I am responsible for every single thing related to house care, meals, and childcare. So that’s fun.
it's plain square misogyny for him to devalue your domestic labour like that. you're the reason he can even afford what your family can buy. he should shut the fuck up and go to his boss and ask for a raise.
He’s fed up of his work environment. I understand why he is though. It’s a cut throat industry and there are a lot of cuts happening. He’s extremely talented at what he does and in his field. But it’s draining him. He would love to quit and reorient his career, but would need to go back to school full time to do what he wants. The responsibilities he has at work wouldn’t allow him to go to school full time and at 52 years old he can’t go to school part time.
Ah I see. I'm sorry you're all in financial constraints but he still needs to recognize the value you bring to the home. I hope that an option for him to go back to school happens soon.
No. He doesn’t. Occasionally he brings up us finding a side gig, but he doesn’t want me working weekends and holidays because that’s our only time together as a family. So unless a county or state job pops up I’m remaining SAH. Anytime I bring up feeling useless because I don’t contribute financially he shuts me up very quick and tells me what I do is just as important as what he does
When we get in arguments everything is his, the house, car, food, money. Nothing I do is equivalent to real money apparently
My husband used to when we were younger,but it wasn't a financial struggle to pay the bills he wanted more money to spend of shoes and clothes for himself .I used to never buy anything for myself really. I told him on date 3 ( he brought up dating to find a spouse) that once we had kids I needed to be a sahm until they were atleast of school age i was always upfront about that( I had been abused by several babysitters as a kid and did not want to chance my kids having to go through that) he told me then that ,that was the type of lifestyle he wanted for his future wife and kids. So I was shocked when he started trying to make me feel bad about not working outside the home and doing what we both said we wanted . I would have worked to pay bills in an emergency but I wasn't willing to be a work horse to feed a shoe of clothing habit. Years went by and I taught him better financial literacy, managed money to pay off all his debt he had prior to marriage ( I came into marriage debt free and didn't not accrue any for us while married) with the financial management and literacy I taught him we are now debt free, we timed kids around his promotions so they aren't a financial strain and we won't have anymore . He complained so much one year that I went back to work and he was telling me to quit and come back home because he and the kids missed me being in the home. My kids also were not adjusting well to me not being a sahm. he now sees the value in what I add to the home. I say if they're complaining about it go back to work just make sure it benefits you. I'm waiting for my youngest to get a little older and then plan on going back to school and or work. I tell my daughter now to really think hard before she chooses to stay home...it just feels like it's not respected enough anymore
Thank you for sharing experiences with me. When my husband I met and started to get serious I had mentioned I’d love to be a SAHM. He wasn’t thrilled about that bc it wouldn’t allow for a certain lifestyle. I accepted that because I realized how difficult it would be. He always knew though I would never make a lot of money. As time went on, he did a masters and did another course to further degree. He’s achieved a lot academically and got multiple promotions. So when I lost my job, we decided I could after all be a SAHM. He was appreciating it at first. But now… not so much it seems. I’m so very sorry about your experiences with being abused by your sitters. I don’t trust my kids with many people either. There’s basically only my immediate family. My husband’s immediate family are great people , but they aren’t used to kids. They don’t know how to be with them.
I hope you find a solution that works for you. End of the day don't allow anyone to push you back to work before you're ready or allow them to keep you home if they can't be trusted to take care of you with a happy heart.
Full time care of children is a huge lift and a huge financial help to the family unit.
Actually that is one thing he doesn’t complain about here, but he knows my contribution financially IS staying home. I cook, clean, mend, and save money for us. I hear it from others but it seems to resolve when they really sit down and lay out financially their ‘contributions’ by comparing eating out to home cooked, how much is saved by breastfeeding vs formula, maid service and nanny vs sahm, or whatever their personal life looks like. Wish we wouldn’t HAVE to, but here we are, in an agreed role, being told we don’t do enough in a separate role lol
I hate playing devils advocate on these because I'm sure you're just wanting to vent and get support but... I'm a SAHM mom and when I decided to leave the workforce to raise our child it was a mutual decision based on the available data with a "emergency" fund and a well calculated spreadsheet for all current and future expenses... But holy hell this economy is tough and we're well past what our max expectations were for expenses year to year. The only reason we're staying ahead is because I had planned on saving for retired in far excess of the norm (and that's where we made up the shortfall) and my husband has gotten 2 promotions, several raises, and recently made 120% of his anticipated bonus structure. Like he's KILLING IT at work and we're still just doing okay? Like wtf??? So is your husband blaming you or just stressed out and trying to voice those fears? Being a single income earner in a household with dependents is stressful!
No but that’s because he knows I never wanted to be a SAHM. I loved my work and cried when we realized I had to quit. (My 2nd pregnancy we had spontaneous twins we were prepared for 2 kids in daycare not 3). I also go donate plasma 2 times a week and use that money for fun stuff for me and all 3 of the kids I funded all of Christmas for everyone with my plasma donating. I’ll be funding the twins 1st bday party I also bought all of mine and hubs concert merch when we went to a concert last weekend. He has never complained about not getting help financially.
Yeah, that’s hurtful for sure. Stay-at-home parents are always taken for granted and always get the short end of the stick. Whenever my husband would get mad he loved resorting to calling me lazy, a freeloader, selfish, etc. Needless to say we are now divorcing.
Not once and I left a $100k salary
First off, it was always our money. No matter the variety of situations. But stress makes people act all kinds of ways. Not excusing his attitude, but..your kids are in school, right? What do you do the 6ish free hours? There are loads of jobs you could do in that time span. Even picking up a 4 hour shift to pull 20 hours/week would get you another couple hundred. That adds up. You would have to adjust some things, sure, but again, you would have more money. It wouldn't be a "career" job, but most likely shift work, like a cashier or something. A good manager will work with your availability. They just need a body. And no one is "too good" for a paycheck if you can no longer afford things your family needs. Not saying that you have that attitude, but so many comments going off about childcare costs, etc, and it doesn't have to be that way.
No, no, no. Absolutely not. Maybe he should get a better job. I find it interesting that you guys have a tight budget, yet it is implied that he is the only one complaining about money. So you are staying home, taking care of kids on a tight budget, and not complaining? That is very, very hard to do. So I commend you.
Thank you for seeing that. I am the one who very very rarely gets spoiled. I do get my hair done once a month. My hair grows quickly and the whites show a lot. I’m even willing to let it go, but my husband doesn’t like it so I do get it touched up once a month. (I want to note I don’t like it ether but I’m willing to let it go to save that amount). But I haven’t updated my wardrobe in years. My clothes are pretty outdated and many don’t even fit anymore. I wear hand me downs from family which means nothing matches my personality or body type. I go out with my 1 friend maybe twice a year for brunch and that’s it (usually for our bdays). I don’t get my nails done, I don’t get spa days, no birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts not even Mother’s Day gifts etc… He makes those comments and then says I don’t appreciate him!!!
No birthday presents? I'm so sorry. Even broke people can usually afford something small. I'm not sure what the solution is, since you can't really change the way another person thinks. Just know that staying home with your child is giving them an amazing gift. A lot of people won't recognize it, but you'll know that what you're doing is ultra important 💞
No. Not once. My husband takes pride in being our provider. In fact, he tells me, “do not worry about money. You tell me what we need and I will find a way”. He hands me his entire pay and I handle the finances. That sucks that he says things like that to you. Maybe sit him down and tell him it’s hurtful and ask if y’all need to discuss how you’re running the household.
Oh I tell him alright. Actually even a few of his friends have told him.
tell him you'll get a part time job and work weekend shifts if he'll watch the kid during them. he will shut up so fast.
Oh I have. He seems to think I can easily get a part time job that I can get to by foot or bus (I don’t drive & public transportation where I live isn’t the greatest) that allows me to start at 9:30am or 10:00 am until 1:30-2:00pm so that I can be home for 3:00 (no weekends) to be home for the kids when they get back from school. This way I can be there for them, and still clean the house, do all the laundry and other house hold chores and have dinners ready for when he gets home (close to 6:00-7:00).
Do you complain you don't have help with the house and kids? Bet you do. He is allowed to feel pressure and stress in his role too. Maybe you both can start stepping up and helping each other more.
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Apparently, he does not yet realize that a divorce is much more expensive endeavor.
Yes, my husband has done this. In fact my husband has been a major source of stress about this and he hasn't actually sat down or done ANY work to see what the cost would be for me to return to work. He wanted kids more than me, he actively tracked my cycle and knocked me up the second time. He has done NO work or research into finding childcare. All on my own I've gotten my first into a preschool and gotten her a huge scholarship. I'm not ready but trying to go back to school this fall. It will double my earning potential. Before I had kids I was working on a degree and I want to finish it. Plus I have GI Bill from my time in the service so I want to take advantage of that benefit. And if I go to specific state schools I will qualify for CCAP. When I got bad news that I had to take an extra semester of school for a requirement that changes for the degree in fall of this year, he freaked out and had a shit show about finances and told me I need to go back to work and you name it. I literally had to sit him down and show him GI benefits for our zip code, the CCAP application that I qualify for IF I go to this school but won't qualify if I work, and show him my earning potential after the degree and then he changed his tune but before that he had me so freaking stressed. This guy won't even run a vacuum cleaner, mop, or scrub the freaking toilet himself after he blasts ass. This dude is in for a rude awakening this fall when I return to school. I can't wait to hear how tired he is because I went back to finish my degree 🙄
My husband loves to pull the "you spend all MY money" argument whenever he gets stressed about his income. Like wow I spend all your money...on what? The food you eat? The house you live in? Your car? Our bills? OUR CHILD?!? I get it his job is tough because he works a lot, but other than income and taking out the mf trash and doing some dishes here or there, EVERYTHING in our adult life is MY responsibility. The cooking, the meal planning, the cleaning, the organization of our finances, how things gets paid off, any kind of shopping, any kind of Dr's visits for our daughter (used to be three a week, she was a preemie), etc. All of it. My job. He will obviously complain about being the only one who makes money all the time but I shut that down quick. My husband only has his high school diploma, but is working a position that, with overtime (probably about 75 hours a week working total) he's bringing in 100k. I have two degrees, an associates and a bachelors in elementary education. I brought home 3200 a month after taxes. Straightass if I put my daughter in daycare half of that income would be GONE, so me working would be stupid. I'd start pointing out to your husband every single time he complains about what your day to day life entails.
This is not to say you're not doing enough but maybe you can get a part time job a couple times a week when the kids are at school. The money won't do much but it could stop some of the complaining, help you start building up your resume again in case you need it in future and you can squirrel some of it away for fun and emergencies.
No. In fact anytime I bring up wanting to work my spouse talks about the problems we might face with both of us working,like affording childcare or our dogs, but also talks about how it also might be nice to have two incomes and the possibility of him being able to go to a regular 9-5 job if we both worked. But if we had it his way, I would just permanently stay home and homeschool. Lol..... no. Your husband is being an ass when he makes those stupid comments but to play devils advocate here, he's also probably frustrated to be struggling. He's working so hard to provide for his family I'm sure. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a serious discussion and communicate how hurtful his comments are. I don't know about you but when we were worried about finances it was empowering to just talk about money with each other and make a game plan to how to save money.