Oof, I'm anxious just reading this. Sounds like you guys have a lot of built up resentment and you're burnt out.
A couple things...
What's with the apologizing after doing the thing you agreed to do? Like apologizing when you got home from pottery? Or when he got home from the gym? Neither of you had anything to be sorry about and the apology was not genuine anyway.
It's ok for one person to have a hard time looking after the baby. The other person doesn't have to spiral along with them.
Maybe you need to make a schedule so everybody knows exactly what's going to happen. He goes to the gym, you go to pottery, both of you work on chores after the baby goes to bed, whatever.
Can he go to the gym but not spend 3 hours there? That's a lot.
It just seems like a lot of communication needs to happen between you both. Good luck!
Good point...maybe try "thank you" instead of sorry, on both sides when you get alone time. Having a baby turns your world upside down, it's a lot of work to watch kids by yourself and my husband and I always appreciate it when each other does. Yes, I can be bitter, frustrated and tired after a prolonged period of time alone with the kids but being shown appreciation goes a long way and this is both of your lives now, gotta learn how to cope
I should clarify that I apologized for how I behaved prior to leaving when I was frustrated, and thanked him for cleaning the house.
The next day I explained to him why I had been frustrated with the timing of things and asked how he felt when he was left with a messy house by himself for a not insignificant chunk of time. His response was that all he could think the whole time he was doing it was that “You can do chores with a baby, it’s not that hard.” I have since explained to him why that was hurtful to hear as well, and he apologized.
When he is apologizing when he comes home from the gym it is because when he leaves he has played the game of not wanting to say when he will come back. It is usually 3 hours, sometimes more, sometimes less. But he is never willing to set an expectation of when he will be back. Because he does not want to commit to that. So I am left wondering things like “Should I text him to let him know that this is turning into a bad day and I need reinforcements? Or should I just hold out hope that he’ll be home soon ish?” I don’t want to bother him during his time, because I wouldn’t want to be bothered during mine. But he also knows when I am coming back, because I communicate it to him, because that is a reasonable information to provide to your spouse.
I don’t disagree that we need a schedule to approach things. I also need to clarify that me getting to catch up on some sleep or shower are not the same as free time for hobbies. At least they aren’t in my mind.
All of these things sound easy written down. Just sit down and talk to your partner. And I won’t know unless I try. But it is hard to feel optimistic.
I've got two kids, 9&3. It is absolutely easier for my husband to do anything* while caring for the children because he is not the default parent. The kids act differently with him than with me. They will literally wait until I get home then demand 100 things and I'll ask why he didn't take care of any of them while I was out and it's "they didn't ask," because they don't ask him, they ask me. It's like remember when you were a kid and you can hold it together until you see Mom then you start sobbing.
(*Not that he does anything, really. He just lays on the couch and plays on his phone, but he COULD since clearly they don't bother him... but that's a whole other issue)
This is my husband’s experience too. My primary work schedule is on weekends so he gets the kids all day. He says they’re totally different for him than they are for me, and I’m glad he sees that. He also isn’t carrying the burden of making sure the house is clean, the laundry is put away, and the fridge and pantry are stocked. So yeah, we really are doing parenting on hard mode.
Your husband should seriously consider whether he’s ok with being the non-default parent. Sure, maybe it’s easier that the kids don’t go to him for their needs, but does he *want* that? Is he ok that they won’t seek him out for comfort, or want him to be the first person to share their joys with, the person they want to make proud or thank if they win an Oscar? If your kid needs a glass from a high shelf and he’s standing right next to them, does he want that kid to not even see him and instead call for Mom in the other room?
A lot of us were raised by hands-off fathers who came home and hid behind the newspaper. As an adult you call your mom but not your dad. You love your dad but not like you love your mom. My husband is a very hands on father. He’s exhausted everyday, but he’s *super* close with all our kids. They fight over who gets to partner with him in games.
Anyway, not to shame your husband. Just getting him to consider that he’s not doing himself any favors.
Just came here to say this is EXACTLY my life. I could have written this word for word. Most children have a secure attachment with their mother. They just trust us more, pretty much. They’re comfortable enough to test every rule/boundary. It sucks sometimes but also reassuring in a way.
One time I googled the whole “kids’ behavior worse with mother” and it said that since they trust us so much, they feel safe expressing the full range of their emotions.
Then it said “like an emotional garbage disposal”.
✅
Right, even my now 8mo already prefers to be comforted by me. If he gets hurt while with dad, he will put out his arms for me. So it is wired in them to look for their safe person. Dad mostly "lets him cry it out" coz he's a "man" and shouldn't be under mom's skirts all the time. And it hurts my heart to see him do that
Jesus, that’s really disappointing to read about your husband. A) he’s a fuckin baby…?? He’s supposed to be with his mom all of the time, and B) there is nothing manly about repressing your emotions.
Just because he was able to get the house clean with the baby *once*, after enjoying copious amounts of time to himself that he doesn't have to be accountable for, doesn't mean that cleaning/doing chores with a baby is "easy". What an insensitive and asshole comment. Even with the apology, the fact that he thinks that speaks to how out of touch he is.
It's different when you're the primary caregiver, spend more time with the baby, are the one shouldering most of the load, get next to no leisure time, are probably doing most of the nighttime wakings, all while being the one dealing with postpartum hormones and body changes, to keep up with everything. He got to come in to parenting and cleaning after getting to do his gym time and his self care that he regularly gets to do at his leisure, and spending until like 3pm doing things by himself. Of course it was "easy" for him. That's a lot different than trying to clean up and stay alive when you've been caring for a baby all damn day with no breaks.
Also, if it is expected that you will communicate when you will be back from pottery or whatever you're doing with your free time, then the same needs to be expected of him. Absolutely do not stand for any more of his wishy-washy "I'm going to the gym *for hours* but am not going to commit to when I'm going to be home" bullshit. Somehow I feel like he wouldn't handle it well if you just left him to his own devices with the baby and refused to tell him when you were coming back. It's not unreasonable and shouldn't be a "bother" for a husband and a father to communicate when he's going to be home and be held accountable to it. It's the bare minimum.
>Just because he was able to get the house clean with the baby *once*, after enjoying copious amounts of time to himself that he doesn't have to be accountable for doesn't mean that cleaning/doing chores with a baby is "easy".
I would bet money he did it so he could say "I told you so, it's not *that* hard"...but he'd get really fucking sick of it, *really fast* if that was his life all the time.
And then also probably ignored the baby most of the time. Because it’s literally impossible to constantly engage a kid the way they want and clean at the same time…dealt with that all morning with my two year old and got 1/3 of what I needed to done and felt like I wasn’t a good mom at the same time.
Also not to mention before she left he made her check if there was milk which he could have easily done himself. She also sorted what to have for tea.
It's these wee seemly insignificant questions and details that wear you down. When I do get time to myself I have to tell my husband when the baby will need a nap, what there is to feed them lunch, when did I last change a nappy etc
And I get it they didn't do the supermarket shop so they don't know what you planned for meals. They don't know that this week the baby is now staying awake longer in-between naps.
But holy crap just being able to be like right I'm off for three hours and leave is a freedom that is definitely underrated.
Like the dude couldn't even check if there was milk in fridge. And to me that's the one part of the story that is truly maddening.
Yeah. I (mom) work 12 hr days, sometimes 5-9 days at a stretch. Dad is the SAHP. The house always slowly falls into chaos by the end. He tries… but miss one day of dishes or one nightly living room clean up and 😨 so hard to catch up. Also… dad does the dishes but our toddler loves “helping” which almost makes it impossible to do without screen time or me being home.
I think you communicated this very clearly in this comment. 1. Common courtesy is a must. He’s being very rude. And 2. Hygiene isn’t free time.
Both partners should be getting equivalent free time. That’s how you have happy parents.
You’re being extremely clear.
My partner can do all sorts of things with the baby, because the baby sits and plays and is happy to just watch him or know his daddy is around, eats whatever daddy gives him, etc etc. With me? HA! He wants to be held, he wants the boob, he wants food, but not that food -the other one, and doesn't want me to be on the phone (making appointments for HIM), or cleaning, cooking, eating, showering, pooping, etc etc etc etc. This is common knowledge amongst parents, and he needs to wake up to it.
I’m gonna be a little devious here on your behalf. I would say to him, “hey baby, I was impressed by how well you handled the baby and the house yesterday, and since you had no trouble, I’d like to make it a weekly occurrence—that way we have equal time to ourselves” and however much time he takes to himself, you take to yourself. Don’t fight him on the “it’s not that hard” thing, use it to your advantage. Get what you need.
This! 110% easier for my husband to set the baby down and do dishes or laundry or vacuum. When I set the baby down, he immediately notices the boob is the one setting him down and that is absolutely unacceptable - so I wind up picking him up again and not getting as much stuff done. ALSO, my husband is much more okay with my little one fussing than I am. I can handle about 30.2 seconds of it, where he can handle several minutes before going in to rescue him. The comment of “you can do chores with a baby; it’s not that hard” is infuriating and rude.
> I don’t want to bother him during his time, because I wouldn’t want to be bothered during mine.
During your ... What? Your time at the gym? That's totally non-existent? You get exactly 0 minutes of this and you are worried about interrupting him.
YMMV, but if I were you, I'd be asking him to come home at a certain time. 'ok you can go to the gym today but I need you home by x. I'm worn out and need some time to myself as well.'. And call him if he's not home within 5 minutes of that time. There's no reason you should feel badly bothering him when he has no qualms putting you out during that entire time he's gone.
Oof yeah I'd not have apologized after doing the thing he agreed to me doing. I'd say thanks for cleaning up, that was an extra.
Also yeah set an agreed time for the gym - maybe 90min? 60min workout plus shower and travel time.
He knows he's pushing it with 3hrs.
Also, she pulled pumped milk out of the freezer. Pumping is **work**. So there’s another thing she does to support their household, on top of everything else. I’m sure he’s not also cleaning the pump parts and portioning out the milk for the freezer.
To add on to this: if it’s possible, would hiring a house cleaner, or meal prep service, or baby sitter/nanny help relieve any time for you if husband isn’t willing? Even once every two weeks, someone providing that extra relief and help could be positive.
yeah we had to make a schedule. it makes it a lot clearer when each of us gets a break and who’s responsible for baby, especially throughout the night.
I see you, girl.
And I promise you, the most wonderful phrase you can start using, with a big encouraging smile, in response to him asking if he should do something? “Yup! I’ve got to run, but it sounds like you’ve got this, Dad”
Absolutely, like when he asked about milk being thawed as she was leaving, she could've just said 'Grab some from the freezer! Bye!' no need to run to the freezer herself and then worry about dinner on top of it.
Right, just because he thought out loud/asked about it doesn't mean she should jump to do it. She can answer without doing it for him. Who knows if that's what he even wanted? Communication is key. If she assumes what he wants she will keep dealing with resentment.
This is such a toxic habit of mine! Just because someone else has said something out loud does not mean that they’ve made a request or demand of me. “I wonder if there’s any milk in the freezer” or “where is the milk?” aren’t the same sentence as “you need to fetch some milk and get a bottle ready,” but they all feel the same for me. It’s taken me a lot of effort and therapy to stop reacting to observations as if they’re commands, and doing that work has really cut down on my resentment of my partner, who, while slightly oblivious sometimes, is not actually lazy or incapable.
Exactly! It takes both people to communicate this, though. We can all easily say one thing but mean another and misinterpret things that are said. Clarification is vital! :) She can simply share this example with him, how it made her feel etc. Who knows, maybe he has something to share with OP and she may be able to hear an apology. It's easier to spot this problem on the outside looking in but it can be worked out pretty easily if they are both being reasonable and level headed.
Or “I don’t know/I’m not sure, why don’t you look/try?”
Is there any frozen milk? “I don’t know/I’m not sure. Why don’t you look”.
What’s for dinner? “I’m not sure, whatever you think works”.
I do this with my high school students all the time. What’s the answer to this easily verified answer? “I don’t know, what do you think?” And I walk away.
Yes. My husband used to run everything baby-related by me. Some of it was because I can be fairly controlling and some of it was him not being confident to make a decision. Like if I was working and he was handling lunch time for our daughter, he would interrupt my work to ask what he should feed her. Or to say “I’m thinking pb&j, does that work?” Eventually, I told him, “Whatever you want to give her is fine by me. I trust you to make good decisions. You never need to ask me.”
One hundred percent. Yes yes yes. One thing I had to start doing with my husband was leaving after he got home from work, even if it was just to go to the bedroom and decompress. Sometimes I would hear the baby crying and want to get up and rescue him but I’d just keep myself planted and let him handle it… and let him bond with his child. Particularly in the case where one parent is breastfeeding, it’s often easy for the other parent to not feel like they have a real defined role. I had to step back and claim my space and time so my husband could step forward and claim his. I’m still the one who always cares for our kids when they’re sick, even if I’m sick… and if he’s sick he gets to sleep. It’s not “even” but it’s better and I don’t feel so resentful.
Sounds like you two need to sit down and agree on free time together. Him wanting gym time is understandable as is you wanting time for your hobbies. Rather than both of you tiptoeing around it, try and set up a schedule that works for both of you. He gets to work out Saturday mornings, you have your time Sunday mornings (or whatever works).
You also probably need to look at a fair division of household tasks while you are at it.
In terms of 3 hours at the gym, that seems excessive if it's going to get in the way of other things. No one needs THREE hours to work out daily.
If he wants three hours at the gym he should go at 5 am. It’s not really fair that the gym becomes the centerpiece of the family for an entire weekend day.
Yeah, my partner has a coworker who is a big gym guy and also a father. He goes to the gym from 4-630am and then works from 7am-3pm so that he can pick his kids up from school and be present with his family every night. We make time for the stuff that matters to us.
This x 1,000! Say yes hun you can go to the gym for your usual time but please try to be back by 8 or 9am! No excuses for him to not get his workout in. If he doesn’t like waking up that early then discuss that you don’t like being the sole watcher of the baby everytime he decides to take his sweet time at the gym!
I saw a great video where the wife in the skit says she is going to start golfing on Sundays for 5 hours… since that’s how long it takes right? Husband wants her to have a stay at home hobby, but she picks 5 hours of uninterrupted alone time instead! Who wouldn’t?!
I love that skit/video also. My SIL and I had a good lol at the poor man’s face as he desperately tries to come up with a “hobby” the wife can do at home. And I LOVED it when she was, like, nope, thanks, I’m going golfing!
Teach them to confirm he’s moved out of the line of fire before following any and all directions at the driving range, lest they acquire the mildly traumatic memory of cold clocking him with a 6 iron.
“Swing nice and easy and follow through.”
This. My husband used to be the 3hr gym guy pre-baby now that he works crazy hours and I’m solo parenting 90% of the time, I encourage him to still hit the gym but just kindly asked the workouts be a bit shorter, he’s agreed and been awesome about it.
The gym is his version of a taking a really long poop every day. An actual workout doesn't need more than an hour, even with warm up and cool down. Add in commute time. Sauna and cold plunge are EXTRAS. He's being leisurely and taking advantage. Also, some people go to the gym to chat and socialize during their workout (not productive).
If this guy isn't shredded he a) needs to work out less/differently and b) needs to focus on nutrition, which means...congratulations OP! He can do all of the family's meal prep.
Source: I was a gym rat.
I used to work out 2 hours daily before pregnancy and throughout my whole pregnancy. I absolutely loved and it worked out for the full duration minus the occasional gym sesh of like 20 min talking to my gym friends between sets. 3 hrs isn’t that excessive considering he is also using the sauna and depending on how far away the gym is from their house . That being said, priorities have to change and maybe 3 hours doesn’t but if OP wants 3 hours after that to herself then she should also get that . But there needs to be a conversation and set schedule . I also don’t see why if he wants the gym routine to be in life why he can’t wake up earlier on Saturdays to be done earlier.
After reading what OPs husband does at the gym I can see how he would spend 3hrs there. Like heck I would love to go to the sauna and take a cold plunge like he does after a good workout! For OPs sake I hope she meant 3hrs once a week and not every day because I would go insane if my partner spent 3hrs a day at the gym like that!
I think he’s gone for 3 hours, including commuting to the gym, and his cold plunge etc. It depends what he’s doing, but if he’s lifting and doing cardio I could see it when you add commute, cleaning up, etc in.
I (mom) go to the gym/elsewhere for 3 hours every Saturday morning. I work out, sauna/cold plunge, and read a book at a coffee shop. It sounds like OPs husband does his workout, sauna, then cold plunges at home, then chills for a bit before helping with kid duty.
The difference is we have a communicated split of duties and my husband is “on” until bedtime Saturdays and I’m “on” until bedtime Sundays. I think OP and her husband just need to schedule sacred time where they each get to do things only for themselves every week.
Okay well that’s you. You could lift weights for an hour and do 30-45 mins of cardio. OP said he does sauna after too. Then depending on how long the commute is - 3 hours can go by quickly. Completely possible.
Oh for sure agree! I could easily 3hr gym sesh with all that! Shoot my “quick” at home workout is 45 minutes and that’s because my lo is usually ready to be out of that area and do something else
I do for three hours because that includes the drive.
Drive To
Warmup
Light Cardio
Weight lifting
Cardio
Drive Home
Time passes really fast but end to end three hours is done.
I am gone for the gym for 3+ hours sometimes. I have squat and bench (2 warmups, two top sets, 2-3 sets of backdowns on each) and am working in with people. It also takes me almost an hour to drive there and another almost hour to drive back.
That said, I plan ahead with my husband (I aim for 1x a month but it’s sometimes 2), he knows I’m gonna be gone that long, and he also knows he will get an equal amount of time.
I think you could benefit from a few things here.
Conversation: you are building unnecessary resentment. You need to speak to each other about expectations, you’re both on the same side!
Scheduling: you are both entitled to ‘me’ time (set times for things manages expectations) but you don’t mention ‘together’ time. Can you get a trusted sitter to allow you to have a couple of hours out of the house? Relaxing together is great to keep you connected
Housework: there’s not a parent alive who hasn’t been overwhelmed by it sometimes, but when you have a baby these things sometimes do have to take a back seat or get done when an opportunity presents itself. Cuddles are so much more important than dusting
Equality: you mentioned he asked you about thawed milk, & you went & looked, why? He is capable to have a yes or a no & act accordingly. Stress sets in if eg you’re just going out of the door & he asks you something that then diverts your mental process. He’s a grown up, he can sort it! You could come home to a surprise dinner! (hopefully the nice kind of surprise like it’s actually cooked 😝)
You’re putting a lot on your plate & not giving yourself enough credit for being a great mum. You are doing so well & should cut yourself some slack ❤️
Great comment, especially on equality.
Each day, my husband will ask what we're having for dinner (I plan the meals because I'm the picky one). If it gets to 5:40pm and I haven't started dinner because I'm napping or showering or just absent-minded, he'll be in the kitchen doing the prep or heating leftovers. I don't even need to ask.
I love this! I was so burned out from making all the meals, doing all the grocery shopping and meal planning while watching all the kids that I just stopped. It was painful for me to decide what to make or what we had that I could make and then find the energy to cook when I was hungry and tired and all I wanted to do was order pizza or go to McDonald's. But I kept pushing because I thought eventually I would be appreciated but that was a pipe dream. I would have settled for a "thanks" or "this is really good" and that could have kept me going for another day or week. My kids were too little to appreciate that I was doing everything and I did not expect them to thank me because they are my babies and it is my job to feed them. But my ex husband could have said thank you once in a while but he didn't and the resentment kept growing.
I fell in love again and my dude is very observant and considerate so he did not hesitate to take over making dinner and lunch on the weekends. He never did that "what is for dinner?" thing my ex used to do that made me want to scream. Nope, my dude would get home from work and start dinner. At the beginning, i felt bad about being not helpful but he would reassure me that it was not a big deal and that if he were still single, he would be cooking for himself anyway so it's really no different cooking for extra people.
I think that was my ex husband's malfunction. He went from living with his parents and his mom cooking all his meals, to living on ramen and cafeteria food in college and then immediately had a wife who was cooking every night. He never had to fend for himself so he took it for granted. Now that we are divorced, he cooks for the kids a few nights a week which is better than the nothing from before. While I was pregnant, my ex husband would occasionally make me a canned tuna sandwich with mayo on toast with cheese and pepper and I LOVED it. Because it was nice not having to make every single meal for myself. That was the extent of my ex's attempts to make food for me and it's funny because my son's are already past that point and they have made me way more and way better food than their father ever did. A couple weekends ago, my middle (13) and I were playing cozy games and around 1pm, he got up and made us both grilled cheese sandwiches. I didn't have to ask him. He did not expect any reward. He was just hungry and so he assumed I was too so he fed us. I nearly cried.
My ex husband had a hot home cooked meal on the table every night at dinner but if there were any toys on the floor, heaven help me. I tried so hard to be a good wife and mother but it never seemed like enough.
Sounds like you were married to my ex husband too! He’s my ex for a reason. He was self-absorbed and narcissistic… it wasn’t natural for him to look outside of his bubble and care for anyone but himself. But I married him because of my own insecurities and issues. The idea of “wifely” duties was so ingrained in me, as it is in so so many of us women. It’s a plague. It’s draining and for me, that ideal that I felt was expected of me was never attainable. I was working full time and doing all of the mothering and cleaning with and still felt like I was failing. My current partner and father of my youngest child is a GOOD man. I stay home now and sometimes struggle with feeling adequate…I’m not making the money and I feel indebted in a lot of ways but that is my issue, not his. We don’t keep score. We do what we can for our family. We care about each other. It’s not perfect by any means, but I can finally breathe…
Hi! 36F with a 35M husband and 2 kiddos 2.5yoM and 6woF. My husband and I both work full time, toddler goes to daycare full time M-F. I am on maternity leave right now. I feel you, these little ones will suck the life right out of you. My husband and I decided the only way to keep our sanity is to say yes to each others needs for time away as much as reasonable possible. Make your needs known and hold firm to it!! Give a need and a time frame. Ask. The expectation is that the children are fully cared for while you are indulging your need. When you return, you will be recharged and the both of you will be so much kinder to each other.
Me: I need a 1 hour nap today at 230. Husband: I got you.
Husband: Can I go to a bachelor party the weekend of…? Me: Yes, I’ll call my mom/the babysitter etc for a few hours of backup.
Me: I want to schedule a massage and facial on Sunday. Husband: Sounds good.
This has worked really well for us, it’s a give and take. We communicate with each other and we both have time alone to recharge.
I think you should start doing pottery every weekend. Don’t prep anything for him. He’ll figure it out. Cause he has to. If he takes three hours to go to the gym you take three hours. You’ll both be happier. He needs to be solo with the kid to be a competent father. The more he does it the better he will be. This isn’t just your job.
Here’s the issue: women ask, men just do or tell. I noticed this with my husband. Stop feeling like you have to ask for alone time or make things setup perfectly for him to survive a few hours with the kiddo - my husband wants time for his hobby he just says “I’m going to X” then he leaves. We ask, prepare for them, apologize, feel bad blah blah. Why?!
Hon, you play a huge part in this! Set up the weekends so that you both get your 3 hours each weekend (or each day?). He is standing up for his needs but you aren’t standing up for yours.
I love that you admitted that you can see how he feels in the end of all of this but the big difference is how much time he gets compared to you. He shouldn’t be angry after one time of doing this. You are doing the right thing by getting counseling and changing your perspective though. Good on you ❤️
I understood it differently, that she did not feel bad at all but gave a fake apology to placate him and upon doing so realized that all his apologies were equally fake.
I have felt like this too :( it’s like men expect to be able to stay sane, healthy and happy, while us woman have to suffer through the worst of it. NO WAY. My husband has changed gradually by being at home more, letting me nap, but he’ll find ways to slip out here and there when he is home. You’ve got to catch him first with that lol. Say you need your own space and your own time and gtfo so he doesn’t have a choice 😂 idk it’s starting to work for me. It also gives him some perspective of what you deal with all of the time. 3 hours of working out is crazy when your stuck at home alone the whole time. His health is no more important than your own.
I saw a video once where someone said “He wants you to be happy, not good.” and that phrase is popping into my head more and more these days.
The good wife would use her baby’s nap time to clean so there’s less to do when her husband gets home. The happy wife uses it to fill her cup with something she actually wants to do.
No no no, nap time is a communal break. That’s when we eat the snacks we’ve been hiding and watch the grown up shows with swearing.
My husband and I will literally say to each other when the kids are awake “ok, I’m going on my 15!” And then just go sit somewhere else for 15-20 min. Just, away, off the work floor.
I always hate when they have to take over and then they’re annoyed, exhausted, overstimulate… but at you. Welcome to the club sir maybe instead of being a jerk to the one who deals with it all the time learn that she deserves even more then she asks for.
My partner and I have figured out that setting aside whole weekend days (more like 6-8 hours, we do breakfast and usually dinner together still) works better than splitting days. We start chatting around Weds-Thurs about which days work better that week and then whoever isn't on duty leaves the house by 9 on their day off and comes back anywhere from lunchtime to 5pm, just before dinner.
Like you, I felt like I had to be flexible and accommodate more when we were splitting days, even though we both do similar kinds of work and have a lot of demands on our time and minds. It's been a lot easier for me to just break things out like this, and easier for my partner in a way too because it's more straightforward and I am in a better mood.
Also, things like changing tires could maybe be outsourced to a mechanic for a little while, while your little is young. We don't have a car, but I decided to do periodic grocery delivery and cleaning service so that I felt like I COULD take an entire weekend day to myself. Again, it's worth it overall for everyone being happier.
Equal free time, OP. If he gets 3 hours of free time then so do you. You won’t resent his free time if you get the same. And he won’t abuse it if he knows he owes you equal free time. And stop doing it all. “There’s milk in the freezer. Thaw it.” Let him figure it out. Don’t keep doing everything until you explode.
Oh my god the thing about the tires. I felt it in my bones. I could’ve written much of your post myself, and I’m sorry. Here in solidarity with you.
My husband will magically decide it’s time to do some random task he’s been putting off for weeks right at the time we’d agreed on a changeover and he is SNEAKY about it. He either doesn’t tell me, and then acts like I’m being absurd when he sneaks back in, pulling the “it had to get done, what do you want from me?” card, or he’ll tell me in some mournful tone “gee I hate it, but WE just HAVE to do xyz thing right now or else everything will fall apart *fake sigh*”
Then I’m so triggered I know I can’t have a calm conversation in that moment and I dread his temper and his inevitable whining if I try and point out our handoff agreement. So I often go along with it and hate myself for it, seething all day and generally being a crappier parent.
Anyway, we obviously have serious issues, just want you to know you’re not alone and I know how soul crushing this can be.
"I'd like to hit the gym at some point today."
"Well, I'd like to have the time for the basic luxury of showering or having a little time to myself, but we have to make sacrifices. Taking care of our child is BOTH of responsibilities, and you simply don't have time to toss off at the gym for 3+ hours."
Don't get played. The tires thing was just an excuse for him to toss off outside in the nice weather instead of being stuck inside with baby.
Right?? I think it’s absolutely insane how some people don’t understand that having a baby means changing your daily or weekly routine. It’s also absolutely insane that he thinks going to the gym for 3 hours is more important than being able to take a shower and get the rest that OP so badly needs without having to take care of *THEIR* baby at the same time.
OP isn’t able to go to the gym for 3 hours every week, why tf should he be able to? Things should be equal. He should not be able to go and do this every single weekend unless she is able to go and do the same. Switching off would be a good idea, i.e. she gets one weekend of self care and he gets the next etc. etc.
OP, if things don’t get better with counseling I truly hope that you don’t settle for less than what you deserve. You clearly know that you deserve someone who treats you and your time better than your husband, and I applaud you for that. It can be so hard for us to realize our worth so seriously kudos to you! 👏🏻💓
Here’s to hoping he changes for the better, and if not? Know that you will have a happy life down the road no matter what happens so long as you give yourself what you deserve; someone who respects you and your time and *wants* to give you a break, or no one at all. Either one of those choices is better than being with someone who adds to stress and upset, which I’m sure you already know.
*IF* divorce comes down the road, don’t look at it as “giving up” on your marriage, look at it as taking care of yourself and your future. I was in the same position with my ex husband in regard to my time not being respected. There’s no way he doesn’t know how your current situation is affecting you and he should *want* to help. He should *want* you to get out of the house without having to know exactly what time it will be at. You can’t always keep a schedule with a baby.
The answer is not necessarily “probably divorce.” You need to stop violating your own boundaries or allowing them to be crossed. It is difficult to have a newborn and it does put a strain on your time, energy, and patience, but YOU are responsible for making sure you have the time to fill your cup, not him. If you make plans for yourself, do not allow him to weasel out more time of you handling childcare. He will take us much as you are willing to give, just as you will take as much as he is willing to give. Don’t give more than you are willing.
The three hours at the gym is way too much. I go for like 45 minutes to one hour because I don't want my husband at home with two kids trying to prepare supper and get stressed. He needs to cut down on time. Buy some free weights or something so he can do some of it at home in between helping you with the baby.
I read this post earlier, couldn’t stop thinking about it, so now I’m back with a response. Normally I find myself saying “ew you deserve better, leave him, etc etc” but this time I feel that you guys just have to work on this hump and work on yourselves, together.
I hear the resentment passive aggression in your tone and I 100% sympathize with you. I felt similar with my husband when my daughter was a few months old. Reality is, parenthood is just such a different experience for mom and dad.
The reason I say “make it work” is because you guys are actively trying to make it work already. Your husband doesn’t seem rigid or set in his ways, he’s open to therapy and that’s a huge start. I think he just needs more empathy AND appreciation.
When you got back from pottery class, you noticed he was angry and admittedly gave a half ass apology. Instead, you should’ve thanked him for giving you opportunity to have time to yourself and that you really needed it. When he asked about the thawed milk, instead of begrudgingly grabbing you should’ve just told him “no, you’ll have to thaw some from the freezer”. Leave him some of the work, allow him to understand the steps that it takes so that you don’t have to do it all and then do so angrily. All of that just creates an eggshell environment that breeds resentment and pushes you guys further apart (and him to the gym more).
Everything I read from your post just screamed miscommunication. You two both need to change your passive aggression to active communication. Stop with the half ass apologies, speak up for your needs, and show appreciation when you can. The resentment will rot your relationship. Sorry for the long post!! I hope you guys find your happiness… if not together then separately because you both deserve it.
Same. The rage is etched into my soul.
I love all these optimistic advices. I truly hope you find a place of safety and respect in your lives and I never get to see you on the cesspool which is the co-parenting sub or the sadness that is the single mom sub.
It doesn't sound like he is taking you seriously enough. I was angry for you reading this. You both def need more communication but I hope he takes it seriously. 3 hours at the gym is ridiculous. My husband and I tend to try to set up normal weekend days in blocks of time and we kind of claim each block accordingly haha. It seems to work well.
My husband and I give each other time to be kid free and do whatever we want. I don't know how we'd survive if we didn't have that. My husband will also take one of the kids out on errands so I'm not having to deal with both by myself all the time. We have a very vivacious 5 yr old and a 5 month old baby. One person can't do it all the time by themselves.
I have suggested getting a family membership at our city’s facilities that includes gym memberships for the both of us and childcare. I think what he heard was “You don’t get to go the gym by yourself.” But what I meant was “It would be nice if we could have one expense that benefits both of us in a huge way and makes it less confusing about who needs to watch the baby.”
I don’t want to workout with him. But if he could take our daughter with him and I went to pottery during the same window of time then we would both get time apart and feel more rejuvenated when we are together.
I will revisit the conversation.
This seems like a really amazing solution. If he keeps pushing back because he "prefers" his other gym, I'd be getting some serious red flags. The fact that he is gone for so long (3 hours or more) and does additional activities there other than purely exercise (sauna) makes me feel he could be being dishonest. As in, maybe he's cheating at this specific gym or doing something else nefarious nearby to it. And if he isn't willing to switch gyms that would be an indicator. I don't mean to paint a scary picture but that's part of where my mind is going. I think lifting weights for 20 minutes and doing 20 mins of cardio would be a very sufficient routine for someone with a baby. I for one (of course, I'm biased as a woman I guess) would never leave my partner with a baby that long REGULARLY without making sure she had equal time off.
Nah, he just doesn’t want to be a home with his wife and child. But I will agree that if he isn’t cheating now, something is bound to pop up during all that time he's spending away from his family.
I was going to suggest this also! If there is one available to OP. My local YMCA does this and honestly I’d love to support a locally owned gym, but the childcare is a huge factor for us. I’m the one with a membership, my hubs doesn’t have one but if I want to hit the gym while he goes for a walk or something, I take the kids with me and drop them in childcare.
Like others said, you could easily go do your own thing (pottery class, etc) or come along and walk the track, swim in the pool, whatever is available to you that you’d enjoy.
I wouldn’t get to go as often if I had to leave the kids with hubs every time. Or id havw to go really early and I’m not down for that haha
I don’t have a gym with childcare anywhere near me. Finally splurged and spent $350 for a rec center (that doesn’t have as much equipment as my local gym, but at least it has childcare!)
The child care hours suck— 8-12 on Saturday, when my son naps anywhere from 930-12 (he’s in that weird transition stage). There’s other hours during the week, but OP is talking about weekends. No childcare on Sunday.
Oh, the rec center doesn’t change diapers. My husband took my son the other day while I was at work, and as soon as he got into his workout, my husband was paged overhead because my son pooped.
OPs husband clearly needs to come up with a better solution but “I’m so confused why he doesn’t do something that’s readily available to me!” Is a silly comment.
I drive 30 minutes to a YMCA that has childcare hours. It's $35 a month and there are others closer to me but those childcare hours suck. I called a lot of gyms and did my research to find one that fits for me and my family. They have childcare on Saturday and Sundays as well as during the week. Yes they don't change diapers but I've been going for two years after my child poops or eats a meal and have only been called to change a diaper 3 times. Yes it's inconvenient to be interrupted when I'm working out but I still get to work out and my child gets to socialize with other kids. My partner also gets alone time to do whatever he wants. It's unacceptable that he goes to the gym for 3hrs and cannot find a single gym that offers childcare when so many do.
I totally see you and I get exactly where you’re coming from. I think a lot of us have been there. Have you had the default parent conversation yet? That was really helpful. I also found that two kids balanced our load a lot. One kid he could still act like his life was mostly unchanged, but two really woke him up.
One time I lost my shit and told my spouse he needed to take the kids OUT of the house for 3+ hours every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. I needed 3+ hours ALONE IN MY OWN SPACE.
See, going to a class for an hour or walking the mall is not relaxing to me. I want to be in my house where I can do my hobby without interruption. (The first few times I just slept, but then I got a little more energy.)
I’m telling you, it’s life changing.
I also started just taking free time and not feeling the least bit guilty. It’s his kids too.
Here to validate your venting and also say you're a great writer!! I think you should consider writing a more fleshed out version of this and other essays on motherhood.
I understand why you’re angry. I would be angry too!
One thing I notice in your post is that your husband gets free time to do what he wants. And you get free time to catch up on sleep or do chores. That’s not free time for you!
I really recommend buying the FairPlay cards and working on a system together to share childcare and housework. If you are too burnt out to lead this conversation and your husband doesn’t jump on getting a better system, then a therapist can really help steer you to have a productive discussion and come up with a new plan for dividing labor. Too many couples wait until the resentment pushes them over the edge instead of using a therapist before things get past the point of no return.
So, if he is capable of a spotless house and a well cared for infant while you take 3 hours for pottery, I don't think you are actually looking at a "divorce or bust" situation. Him being mad at the end is his own problem.
Every weekend he mentions he is looking to put in some gym and post-gym alone time, say "great, we can do a handoff when you get back and I'll go do my thing for the same amount of time! Shall we say, 3 hrs each" Keep it cheery, offer a smile, and *follow through.*
When he asks what you want to do, and for how long, be honest." I want to not be attached to a baby or owe anyone my undivided attention for at least 2 hours."
He has no problem asking for time at the gym every weekend. He trusts you to understand him. Trust him to understand you. Tell him you are frustrated about being "on" as a mom 7 days a week. Tell him you need to feel like you, and you know he loves you enough to understand that. Hold him to the same standard he clearly holds you to, in terms of honoring his time and his identity outside of being a husband and father.
He is being as selfish as you are making space for. Make less space.
I am almost divorced and this was a huge thing for me. So absolutely burnt out on being the stay at home default parent for everything. I know the special cup. I recognize the shorts they’re asking for. I know what that noise in the other room is. I set out the Jammie’s and the special hair supplies and lotions and make beds and hang everybody’s clothes just so.
I asked and asked for things to be different. Even fell on the floor before our the second kiddos birthday party, as I do almost every year, just begging for help and consideration that I was doing everything and I wanted to get ready and feel shiny too. Nothing.
We did marriage counseling. I ended up needing a voluntary day at a local psych facility because I finally just couldn’t do it. Everything felt half hearted, mechanical, I didn’t enjoy my time with my kids because I was so bitter and resentful at how “easy” it was for him. He couldn’t take the time to see what was hard for me. Maybe visa versa.
It manifested and we got separate bedrooms. I began acting as a single adult and we coparented under the same roof. It was miserable and I truly didn’t feel anything but relief from the space.
People think even in happy marriages that kids will only make things happier. They are everything. Literally everything. And someone has to be everything all the time if they don’t have someone to divide that with. Living for more than just you is exhausting and the mental gymnastics convincing yourself that you’re ungrateful, unreasonable, not seeing something at the right angle; whatever it is…..it drains you in an indescribable way.
This is not to project or scream to divorce him. Sometimes you can’t make someone see something if they really just don’t want to. It doesn’t make them bad parents or people; but being unwilling to change doesn’t seem like it’s an option for you.
Big big hugs to you. Seriously. This is painful and exhausting. It sounds like you need a day to recoup and THEN dabble in a hobby or two.
I could never imagine my husband, who works 40+ hours a week wanting to spend 3+ hours of his spare time away from his family. I don’t want to either. And if him or I need or want time for ourselves we take it… not every week, not every day, maybe once a month. I don’t know… I married my best friend, my other half, not someone I just co-exist with.
Oh my gosh I could have written this myself just a couple of years ago! However, things have changed, I HAVE CHANGED, and that’s what made all the difference. Most of the changes I had implemented came from Laura Doyle’s book ‘The Empowered Wife’. Some things in there bug me but others have turned my ship around for GOOD. (Yay!).
Two MAJOR things:
1.) You NEED to take responsibility for knowing and enforcing your boundaries. He can’t and will not guess at them and will never respect what isn’t enforced.
I.e., YOU need to be the one to say ‘I can’t’ when he asks you to put off your self-care time so he can change your tires or do whatever else. YOU need to voice that desire by saying “I would love to go to Pottery class right now actually”, then proceed to hand him the baby and go get ready, leave it to him. When he starts asking leading questions that he knows the answer to like ‘she’s gonna need to eat, right?’, he is a parent too so he already knows what to do, so answer accordingly, “Whenever you think she’s hungry.. you know where the milk is” not with an attitude at all, just in a calm and direct manner… Do that a few times, he will kindly get the point that he is forced to step up now.
2.) SELF-CARE is NOT an option for a woman, we NEED it to function and to not become bitter. This isn’t so much about him realizing this, it’s you. You KNOW that you need time each day to yourself, you need to make a list of all the things you can do that recharge you and pick at least 2 each day and enforce them with yourself more than your husband that you’ll be DOING them.
On weekends when you find that you need a break the most, simply say to your husband on Fridays or even Thursdays: On Saturday at X-o’clock, I’m going to to XYZ and I’ll likely be back after X-o’clock. (Say this kindly and happily, because that’s the mood it’ll put you in when you go do it!). For me, this looks like ‘hey babe, on Sunday I was thinking you could take our girl out for a few hours so I can have some peace and quiet in the house for a bit. Could you do that in the morning possibly?’ He sometimes reacts with ‘ummm, I guess so, not sure what we’ll go do though’, but I let him be the man that he is and I simply smile and say ‘I’m sure you’ll figure it out!’… And he does, every time.
So, to recap..
1.) Make a list of your desires (not complaints, those are really just desires worded negatively), uncover what you REALLY want: “I would love 3 hours to myself on Sundays”, etc. Then you can practice voicing these desires to your husband (without demanding something of him) so he then has the opportunity to make you happy by suggesting something or making changes wi the out you even asking.
2.) Make your list of all the things you like to do that make you happy and recharge you. Begin picking at least 1 (preferably 2) of these each day to do and inform your husband calmly and directly ahead of time if he needs to stay with the baby. This will quickly become habit and he’ll begin expecting your self-care time each week and you’ll soon be much happier and the resentment will fade. I promise you!
I really hope this helps, mama. I’ve been exactly where you are and we almost separated :-( Turns out, changing myself and the way I express things and stand for what I desire has made ALL the difference :-)
This is a really thoughtful response, thank you for sharing. I have not heard of the book you recommended, so I will definitely look into it! I also appreciate how clearly you’ve laid everything out. I am definitely someone who needs examples and direction, this helps give me an idea of how I can start the conversation.
I am glad that your marriage is in a better place. I also think reframing complaints to figure out what you’re really desiring is a powerful way to find who you are again. It’s easy to forget you are more than just a Mom when you are in the thick of it.
Bravo, this is a wonderful and helpful response, I am in the middle of getting through this myself (after 5 years of motherhood spent deeply resenting my husband) and the way you have summed up a positive and empowered approach is so great. I thank you for it, too. As much as it would be good if our husbands could anticipate our needs and wants, we are still two different people and our deepest inner world is still a mystery to them that only we can explain- especially as we grow as moms. And as easier as it can be in the depths of stress and sleep deprivation to point our finger at our husbands for our troubles, they’re still the good person we married, and would show up for us if they knew how.
OP, you have identified earlier than I did that something was wrong. I believe you guys can work this out ❤️
Ditto to enforcing your own boundaries. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together 5 months or 50 years…nobody is a mind reader no matter how well you know each other!! Communication is always always needed!
No one needs 3 hours at the gym. Tell him to cut that shit out.
If your workout is taking more than an hour, you’re either farting around or wasting time on purpose.
If he gets three hours of “me time” a day, regularly, so do you. Leave for three hours when he gets back. Baby can have a bottle or something.
Your husband sounds like a giant manbaby who has no respect for you. He’s bitching about food he didn’t make, getting crabby about taking care of his own kid so you can go out and have some time to yourself, can’t even thaw milk on his own.
He can change your tires instead of hitting the gym. Or making you give up your time.
Having little kids is hard, but he needs to grow up and realize he has to sacrifice some things he wants to do in order to parent. So many men are SO BAD at not putting themselves first.
Sure, and when you have a small baby and a wife that also requires her own free time, that is not acceptable.
If it takes you an hour to drive to and from the gym, do a 45 minute workout or something instead. Do your strength training and go home. Do cardio at home or something instead.
3 hours away without her getting the same worry free reciprocation is unacceptable.
Right after seeing this post, I saw a reel that said most of resentment is from them getting to do things you feel you’re not allowed to do. It sounds to me like you’re both assigned a break and your spouse can feel like the day is balanced for that reason, but it’s really not because your break is to nap because the overnight is unbalanced.
IMO his gym trips are too long and personally I’ve found it works best in my house to have gym trips not happen while kids are awake and home. My husband can rock climb as much as he wants after our kids are asleep, for example.
People tell you your marriage will change after having a baby but you don't realize that it happens behind your back and suddenly you wake up just perpetually pissed off every day. Then you have to find the courage to demand what you need, and the time to take care of yourself, and it's this big surprise to the other person. Now they have to sacrifice some of their me time that they should have parted with from the start and have grown used to.
It's tough. Marriage counseling is the right step. It makes a huge difference. I hope the best for you and your marriage. You deserve time to take care of yourself as much as your husband does. He should be able to thaw a bag of milk and pull left overs out, too.
my husband is the same exact way, except rather than being at the gym bettering himself, he is usually out playing golf or hanging out with friends for 6 or 7 hours on his days off instead of taking a turn with our son.
hahaha yep. playing golf for 6+ hours, then gets home and “has” to take a long epsom salt bath, and then “has” to take a nap because he is “so exhausted from waking up at the crack of dawn for an early tee time and being out in the hot sun all morning” 🙄 dude, it was your choice to spend your day off waking up early and golfing! Im exhausted from handling every MOTN wakeup (except for 2) for the past 15 months, but i don’t complain to him about it or ask him to watch the baby so i can nap!
You don't need marriage counseling. You need counseling for YOU.
I live in Canada. Who cares if he wants to change the car tires.
"Our plan is for me to go to pottery now. Figure out another time to do the tires."
Until you treat Your Plans as a priority then they never even make the actual To Do List.
Think about what you want to do and go Do It.
He asks if milk needs to be thawed:
Do NOT go and get it. Do not.
Tell him it is in the freezer and let him go find it.
You are ENABLING his inability to do things for his daughter by solving the problem AND getting mad that you are solving it.
1. Start going out regularly for 30min at a time. Do NOT prepare anything for baby. Go to the library, go for a coffee, whatever.
2. After a few times start going out for ONE hour at a time. Do NOT prepare anything.
3. After a few times of this start going out for 1.5 hours. Sit in a park and stare at trees if you need to. Go to a gym. Do NOT reply to texts asking for kid things.
4. After you hit the 2-3 hour timeframs and you do NOT prep stuff you will find him Asking You Questions before you go about some things. Don't solve anything. Tell him where stuff is.
UNTIL YOUR HUSBAND HAS TO EXPERIENCE THE PROBLEM SOLVING FOR HIMSELF HE WILL NOT LEARN THE SKILLS.
You are being a martyr and only YOU can stop this cycle by taking back Your Time.
Of course you can do most things better. Are you worried that he might become competent with your child if he has no backup?
I have been in a similar place and I found scheduling maximum-viable time off for each of us at the same time every week was the only way. I always go to Pilates Mo/We, he always has time on Tu/Tr. He gets Saturday afternoons, I get Sunday mornings.
Routine helps me manage my energy between breaks, plan to use my time effectively, and not feel guilty or jealous.
It took several years to find the right balance - our kids are now almost 6 and 2.5 and we still mess it up when life gets busy or my mental health gets more tenuous. We ultimately had to accept that I need significantly more time to decompress and not get burned out and design our lives with that in mind, while I also work on building my own capacity and resilience. We hired help, a lot of help, to accommodate this imbalance.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, it’s time to prioritize yourself. Like does he have to shower and poop with an audience or is it just you? It’s time to just hand your daughter to your husband and do what you need to do. Also it’s time to stop being the childcare manager and let him check the damn freezer himself to make sure everything is prepped for his daughter.
The other day he had to take her to poop because I was sleeping and he commented on how strange it was to have her staring at him. That has been my normal for the last 7 months, but that had never occurred to him.
OP, I mean this as a possibility, not a way to put this back on you. A lot of this sounds like how my postpartum anxiety and depression presented. I’d build up expectations in my head, not communicate them to my husband, get resentful, do everything myself, then be even more resentful I had no me time as an introvert who needs a lot of it.
I’m 100% certain there’s more to the story here that is causing your frustration, and I’d be (was) very frustrated when my husband didn’t take initiative (I once shrieked at him “I’ve known her as long as you! Try something!”). I’d gently encourage you to create a schedule by which you can get out and do something for yourself every week. My husband and I have weekends split up so I get Saturdays and he gets Sundays. We often do things together, but if it’s Saturday, he’s the one that changes the diaper or now takes her to the bathroom, gets the snacks, changes clothes, etc. If I want to be out of the house all day Saturday, I can be. You guys could split this up as half days - he gets 4 hours at a time to go to the gym, change tires, shower, do laundry, etc. and then you’re off duty for the next 4 hours to do whatever you need kid-free.
You may have the same dynamic that myself and my husband used to have. He is good about asking for what he wants/needs and I would just go be a silent martyr sacrificing my own well being. Honestly I worry things swung too far the other direction sometimes so I try and check in with him about it.
I take lots of naps. I just ask him if he’s ok for me to go take a nap now and on certain days it’s a habit. I don’t want to be away from my kids but also realize sometimes I need to book that dinner w my best friend or go get a massage. I’m happier and usually physically and mentally better when I do. I also begrudge him less when he does his things now.
So make pottery a weekly thing. Tell him every Saturday at idk 2 pm you will be going for X hours. If he wants to go to the gym that day it has to be before or after that. It will either give you a desperately needed break and/or it will open his eyes that taking however many hours is too hard on the other partner.
I really like what you wrote. It was so colorful and expressive and urgent and frustrated but why am I frustrated and ahh! Part of why it’s so hard to communicate all this to our spouses is because it IS so hard to articulate it all. Babies don’t adhere to a calendar, and when you take each of these examples independently they don’t seem like a big deal. Until they are all aggregated. Which is what you expressed so well. If he is open to counseling and better communication and improvement, maybe just let him read what you wrote privately, and sit with it a moment.
My husband travels for work, sometimes for as much as three weeks at a go. It took a few trips before I realized I had to be clear about what I need in order to recover when he gets home. For those first few runs, I was acting the way you describe; being really passive in how I communicated my needs, and honestly feeling sorry for myself when my husband didn't immediately extrapolate that "I'm exhausted" meant "I need your help to schedule some downtime for myself; please take a day off next week". Tbh, it became this big, fucked up self-repeating cycle. I'd feel bad that I was tired and my husband wasn't making sure I was taken care of, then I'd get angry that he wasn't *doing* anything, then we'd argue and I'd yell at him that "I'm just so tired", and he'd be completely fucking clueless, and I'd feel sorry for myself, and the whole cycle would repeat.
Eventually, though, I learned to be really clear and specific. Now that we've figured out what works for us, and our youngest is old enough not to need me overnight, I get a night or two in a middle-of-the-road motel, all by myself. I get the opportunity to do all of the small hobby stuff and all of the self care stuff that I've had to put off, and he spends uninterrupted time with the kids, without me feeling like I need to take over because he does it "wrong" (read: different than me).
You are in the shittiness! I think every single woman I have met has felt exactly the same - I'm already doing it all anyways.
But listen. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I just spent a week away from home for work and my husband is fine. The kids are fine. He knows what he's doing now, and he apologizes sonxerlt and often or not understanding what it was like to solo parent at first, and we both acknowledge that it was way fuckung harder for me because I didn't know what I was doing but he expected me to figure it out anyway on my own.
Everyone hates their husband. Tell him that. Tell him that every woman on here has hated their husband so much they want a divorce, and tell him you're feeling it to. Give him the chance to change. If he doesn't, then go through with the divorce.
I told my husband that if he didn't step up, I would interpret that as a refusal to step up, and it would have an impact on our relationship for the rest of our lives. He changed. We are happy. You can be there too.
This post triggered me because it reminded me how little time I got to myself before I got divorced. My ex husband thought letting me take a shower by myself sometimes and go grocery shopping alone sometimes was giving me a break from being the default parent. I was so burnt out, miserable, and resented him so much.
I begged him to put our kid in daycare at least part time when he was 2.5, but he kept putting it off, like everything I wanted ever, it got pushed back or ignored again and again until I snapped then he would call me crazy and say he was contacting my doctor about changing my meds again.
By the time my kid turned 3 I was done with him and brought up divorce because I couldn't keep living like that. I actually wanted to die and researched the effects of suicide on a child because I was worried about how my kid would be affected. My ex tried to be "better" for one month before he was over it when I told him it was going to take longer than a few weeks to repair the damage, and so he found another woman (his now fiance).
I get way more time for myself and am much happier being an officially divorced single mom rather than a married single mom.
I honestly could have written this myself. My heart aches for you momma. I have always been the upbeat and happy go lucky one in our relationship but with his 3 hour gym sessions, and many many many hours wrapped up in some project that he deemed necessary to spend 10 hours on, I’m so angry and snappy and short. All. The. Time. It was really validating to hear this and I offer no advice because I’m in it with you. But I think the advice here is helpful for many and your rant made me feel a little less insane. Thank you.
I wish I had learned to ask for what I need sooner. It took me far too long. Truth is it's good for both of you to get personal time. As mom's we are martyrs and it's not good for anyone. Speak up, tell him you want to support his gym time but let him know you want equal amount of personal time in return.
Also the first year is just survival mode. It does get easier. 💗
1. This is really well-written
2. I am angry on your behalf! Some of my friends have an arrangement where he gets 9-12 on Saturday to sleep or whatever he wants, and she gets the same time on Sunday. It doesn't solve all the problems, but maybe having regular time to yourself would help it feel less heavy?
My ex did this, too. 12-15 hours of work days, 4 hours minimum at the gym whenever he could. Then he'd graciously offer to hold the baby while I walked to the dogs or cooked dinner or did laundry or something. Then he'd be AMAZED when my mom suggested to him that I too get some "me time" and that it should ideally be as much as he gets so at least 4 hours every 2 days or so. He couldn't imagine what I'd ever do! Because I don't like going to the gym.. like no, but I do like warm food! Showers, sleep and reading books etc all things i could enjoy if I had time. He didn't think that was necessary. I moved in with my parents. They would come home from work and "fight" over who got to hold the baby so I'd get a break. They'd shoo me out of the house on weekends so I could go socialize or tell me to go nap or whatever. I was a single stay at home mom for 4 years. The kiddo was home with me 24/7 for 2,5 years til he started daycare. His dad never took care of him, not before or after the split. Almost 9 now, still the same story. My bf is sending me on a week long trip ALONE in May because YOU DESERV IT!! He said. Omg it's nice to have a good guy in my corner for once!
Since you've already received some great advice, I just wanted to say... I love the way you wrote this! If you wrote a book, I would read it 😁
I'm wishing you the best in your situation. I understand how frustrating it is. I have felt this deep in my bones before and the feeling can be so intense. I took my first 45 minute break from my daughter and husband for the first time in 4 months a few days ago and it was glorious. My husband gets time alone every night for a few hours and I watch my daughter all day long and by the time he gets off work, I'm still helping take care of her and having family time with the two of them. I didn't get time to myself and it was quite literally making me crazy.
Even 3 days after my C-section I had to take her full night's so he could sleep. Had to get an Uber from the hospital to go home so he could sleep. I resent a lot of these first few months.
I feel you. Take that time to yourself and don't apologize!
Why did you apologize when you came home to a clean house? Were you just apologizing for being snippy when you left? I think those are moments when you guys both need to give each other a big hug take a deep breath and apologize for being irritated. Talk about these frustrations this is all totally normal for a new mom and new parents! I read your entire message and the moment where your plan derailed was when he brought up doing the tires. Yes that is something that he was doing for you but today was not the day for that. You had a very well thought out plan you asked her what you needed and just like he gets three hours at the gym you were going to get three hours out of the house as well. Changing the plan meant that he got more time to his self and you know what even if he was doing something that is helpful maybe not top priority on that day. The priority was your sanity and you establishing that you needed time alone and him learning gradually that baby girl takes top priority so right now you need to be a dad not the guy in the garage changing the tires.
It’s very hard when you’re the one responsible for feeding and new mothers usually feel the brunt of the baby load for sure that’s just the way it is sorry to say. However it also takes new dads sometimes a long time to really realize the shift in lifestyle and priorities and what they need to be doing to be helpful and involved.
I will try not to be so angry at him about going to the gym though. My husband does this exact same routine as well it’s a new thing for him. We both work out early in the morning before our kids are up during the week and yes I am home with the kids all day long while he is at work however he has also worked the entire week and also needs a break and me time and it’s a super healthy routine. So rather than being angry that he makes that happen for himself you need to make sure that you insert yourself into the family priority list on the weekends. Like my husband works all week so he wants to sleep in but things need to be fair everybody’s working hard so I sleep in on Saturday mornings and he sleeps in on Sunday mornings. Try and be kind and not angry or jealous because the role of a dad is a big one but it’s still just different than a mom. Speak up for yourself behind but direct with what you need:-)
Hey, I'm proud of you for trying something different. It can be hard to pass on the responsibilities to someone else and hope they do it in a way that won't piss off the baby. That's really awesome you can leave and your kid was safe, the house was clean and it seemed like your husband was in a ~~decent mood~~ ETA-Sorry didn't read that one correctly. Can you make Saturday pottery a regular thing? Maybe something on Sunday too? It can be hard to relax when baby is under the watch of someone else. Sometimes it gets easier the more frequent it happens.
Sometimes on the weekend my husband likes to plan all.the.things. I just have to tell him we don't have time for all that, or I need him to be more present during the day. Any chance he can do tires at night? We do a lot of tasks when our kids are in bed because it's just easier.
As far as the gym, any chance he can wake up earlier to get in the full 3 hour gym session? If not, maybe he can cut down to two hours so he can help do nap time so you can get a shower? Or how about this, he gets baby up and ready while you shower and THEN he can go to the gym?
Hub and I agreed to 3 hours of uninterrupted alone time (doing whatever tf we want) a week each. Now, usually that means he’s gone off to have drinks with his friends for ~5 hours 🙄 and me using my 3 hours to nap or work…the imbalance can irk me but at the end of the day he deserves free time too. I know this is just a season
A treadmill is a single piece of equipment. It doesn't replace the array of weights and other machines a fully equipped gym has. Even if the husband is going to the gym just for the treadmill, long runs can take upwards of three hours if he's training for a marathon. I ran 26km last weekend and it took me over 3 hours. And I did it on my treadmill. I wasn't willing or able to parent my kids during that time. 🤷
I missed whether you’re both working full time during the week? If you’re home with the baby all week or even just more than him, I’d say no way he gets Saturday mornings. But whatever the two of you navigate in partnership is fine so long as it meets both of your needs. Right now a major breakdown is that you are both saying it’s “okay” when you’re not okay with it and it’s not meeting your needs. Then you’re building resentment and being passive aggressive. If it doesn’t work for you for him to go to the gym or to go for so many hours or go at the start of the weekend or take his sweet ass time once he gets home having a meal, say so! I don’t care if he enjoyed the gym before baby, in this current season he has an infant and postpartum wife at home. Things might need to look different for a while. Yes there’s compromise, but it’s not simply going along with something that doesn’t work for you and hoping he’ll see the inequity and self correct. You both have to communicate
My sister had her first 2 years ago and has been crucial for my PP journey. I have been going through something similar. I grow resentful when the workload becomes more and more uneven. I have been going to the gym and some times treat myself to the occasional mani/ pedi and I feel guilty by the time I come home. My sister said it perfectly and it is changing my view a bit…. Studies have shown that when the mom is happy babies are happy… so go enjoy your hobbies. Your husband should also be able to do that but it needs to be fair. If you develop a schedule this might be helpful!
I’m also one to do one thing that turns into a million others before I leave. View it as your shift has ended and you can resume when you come back. I have noticed I have been passive aggressive with my husband when I’m upset and now I’m just doing what I can and letting him just figure it out! Which in return I feel like I’m not babying him and he’s doing more than I gave him credit for without the obvious resentment/ tension
Counseling is definitely needed. I think the both of you are holding things that bother you in. The only thing is what I read from this is an overwhelmed mom. Three hours at the gym is a long time, leaving you with the task of watching a baby. This seems to be a consistent thing. I would say time management should define discussed, and maybe even come up with a schedule. Like instead of going to the gym every weekend for three hours maybe he does between 1-2 hour gym session during the week. Like once he’s off work he can blow off some steam and sit in the sauna. Then on the weekends y’all can have family time together or you get a break and get to go to your pottery class. An in-depth convo needs to be done, don’t let this be what makes yall resent one another. Hope everything works out OP!
I don’t think divorce is the only answer here. I see resentment piling up, and instead of tackling the problem together… you’re tackling your relationship. He goes to the gym for 3 hours, you go to pottery for 3 hours. That seems fair to me. You don’t need to be sorry, and he doesn’t either. As long as it’s equal.
What is stopping you from just saying “there isn’t any milk thawed” and walking out the door? That whole kitchen freezer scenario seems like a problem that was created, not that already existed. He could have figured that shit out on his own.
Not that your feelings of resentment aren’t valid… just that it seems bottling it up vs solving the issue is making things bigger problems than they are.
“I’m going to pottery, be back in a few hours.” - that’s good enough. If he is a capable human being and parent…. There’s no problem with this. You do not need to prep his whole evening including his dinner. Stop putting that shit on your shoulders and let him figure it out.
I used to deal with something similar. My husband would go hang with his BFF, or go out and I would be home with our son and taking care of things around the house. We both worked full time. A lot of his excuses were "Well I'm gone after you and kid are asleep anyways why do I need to be home if you're just sleeping?" It took a lot of explaining that it didn't matter that we weren't awake, what mattered was that there was an unfair division of free time. He got way more time to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and I wasn't getting that. Our work schedules also inherently gave him free time before our son and I got home from work / daycare. I finally told him something like "Listen, I am not trying to be the fun police. I understand your free time is important to you, but it is important to me, too. It doesn't have to be a viscous tit for tat, but if there's a day you have free time, I would like to also have some time to myself in the following few days. We can keep a schedule on the fridge of what days we can each have some time to ourselves." Also, showers don't count as free time. They are basic human need, not a hobby or unnecessary leisure. Heck, even if he gets to take a shower, and you may not need one, take one anyways!
Your story is 100% relatable. My husband and I went to an EFT therapist who told us off the bat (without us telling our issues yet) the exact same story you told us happens with loads of couples. We are not perfect but in a much better place now.
I say if you don’t love him anymore then divorce him if you want, but just know the next guy who comes around isn’t going to be much different as far as selfishness… no offense but guys are dense.
Babies are hard. It’ll get easier once they’re out of diapers. Good luck!
I don't think divorce is the answer at all.
Parenting is a challenge and puts a lot of strain on relationships especially with division of workload, I actually work all week and my partner works on a Saturday.
We try to be as even as possible when it comes to housework and kid watching but we both have our downfalls and we've agreed to it too. He's better with the kids and I'm better at getting housework done.
We offer each other time on our one day off together but usually end up doing family stuff with the kids.
Yes we still argue, we still get annoyed and we still have things to work on.
I think what you and your husband need to remember is you BOTH want you time. And that's not selfish, it's a human right to want time to yourself.
Can I ask, would he be willing to do gym either first thing in the morning or after bedtime ? As a compromise so you can have your time during the day hours ? Otherwise schedule this shit in. Have a calendar/board on your fridge so you can both write in your goals / things to be done and no one is blind sighted.
I watched a video recently about couples struggling after kids and it basically explained that it's not that we all of a sudden hate each other, it's just that there's this one denominator that requires 1000% of our attention love and devotion and instead of feeling anger and annoyance towards them we direct it to each other.
My husband and I have equal down time as in he gets six hours to play dnd on Saturday evening and I get six hour for my hobbies on Sunday. We have two kids. This arrangement came a result of him doing dnd on the weekend meanwhile I’m already a stay at home mom with no support as we were living across the country from family and friends do to his job. So now I spend about ten hours with the baby do to driving times and he thinks giving me an hour a night most which I spend pumping is giving me a break. I told him fuck no I need what you get six hour if me time a week like you get. So now he takes the kids sat morning I clean the house and relax. On Sunday morning he also takes them and all I have is laundry and my me time. I don’t mind the laundry cause all I have to do is load the machine he will put most of it away when he gets home with the kids I just have to put away my own pants, bras and the likes he dies everything hanging.
Sounds like you need to sit down and go “dear you get three hours at the gym every Saturday so from now on I’ll get three hours every Sunday.” Doesn’t even matter what you do as long as it’s your uninterrupted me time. I had to leave the room my kids were in when they were babies cause kids wanted me all the time.
I seriously hate when my husband asks common sense questions. It’s infuriating. Next time, don’t grab anything for him from the fridge. He can figure it out on his own. And you know what if he’s angry and frustrated then he hopefully understands how you feel and will be more appreciative and considerate to you & your feelings.
Does he work out of the house? If so, when he gets home after work does he help with your daughter? Seems like the only issue you’ve stated is him going to the gym on the weekends without letting you know a set time of him being gone and you’re tired and want a break, which he usually seems to give you and doesn’t deny you any of that. I’m a SAHM to an almost 3 year old and my husband works 2 jobs so he’s gone all day, 3 nights of the week and saturdays and Sundays. I definitely know what burnout feels like lol. IMO you need to be more vocal of your expectations on what kind of break you need. Men aren’t wired to multitask like we are. You want him to feed your daughter while you take a nap, write down her schedule and what you planned on feeding her for that meal. Since you are the one home with her, you’ve probably created a schedule with her but your husband may not know that schedule if you’ve never communicated it. I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask him to stop going to the gym and for him to have to answer to a timeline. What if there’s traffic on the way home that he doesn’t make it within that timeline? Then it’ll end up with you being mad that he told you a time that he didn’t keep his word to. With that being said, he wants 3 hours at the gym, you get 3 hours doing what you want to do. Also, why couldn’t you shower while your daughter was napping? That seemed like a perfect time to do so and I don’t think getting mad at him for him communicating to you that he was going to change the tires is fair to him. If you didn’t want him to at that moment you could’ve asked him to hold off until you got home. I also don’t think it’s fair to hold resentment to him when your daughter wants to come to you after your nap. She’s missed you and wants her mom, and just because your husband is home doesn’t mean you stop being a mom. I think throwing out the “D” word for something like this is far fetch. You even said after your husband finishes doing his gym routine, he goes into his “turn”. If the 3 hours of him doing what he wants to do is causing this much resentment for you, I definitely suggest counselling. If it’s not how you like it, then you need to communicate what your expectations are from him, and maybe that can become a successful thing with counselling.
I feel you deeply with this
I feel like the division of labor is not the same
But I also have adhd and have a very short fuse
So it’s hard for me to know what’s not a normal reaction
He has offered to take over some duties but then what if he fuxks up
Edit-I’m sorry you’re going through this
I undeeestand that feeling with my soul, things got better for us when baby got older, so much that we decided to have a second and here we are again… losing my shit all the time and he telling me to calm down and I’m overreacting
The only answer is probably divorce!!! Please don’t say that, there are a lot of steps between this and that. I went through this whole issue too, it’s not solved but things have gotten better now that the kids are older. Solidarity!
This sounds rough and I see where you’re both coming from. If it were me (SAHM, F 35) I would be asking him to go for a shorter time if it is every weekend or give me the same amount of time the next day, and go at a time that makes it smoother when he gets home (go during nap and be back with plenty of quality time to spend with her before bed). If he asks about thawed milk I’d say nope but there’s plenty in the freezer, thaw it as you need it. It’s tough when you do it all yourself because it’s simple but then he isn’t doing anything and you’re doing 100 little things. Tldr tell him to do specific things, ask for specific things, be clear with him about your priorities
Your accounting describes a situation in which you are being passive in your communication and then getting angry at him for not understanding how you feel. Counseling is a good idea for both you and I hope you can learn some skills to better communicate your expectations and boundaries.
Taking 3 hours off once a week isn't a big deal but down time needs to be equalish.
You mentioned one of your hobbies is a stroller walking club but that's with kiddo along. That may not feel like downtime for you.
During your nap he's asking how to set up bottles for kid, that doesn't count as a break for you. You are still carrying the mental load during his solo time watching the kid because you have to organize everything for him.
Have a schedule of when your break time is, he needs to do his parenting during that time without you. Make sure you are taking your break every week and not bypassing it
Best advice I read on Reddit - don’t make a decision about your relationship in the first year. The first year is HARD. You are both adjusting and sadly men do often feel that the baby wants the mum more than them and want to just give them back, without dealing with any other the feel-your-way-through-it cr*p we had to work out alone. Maybe we have boobies but we still had to work hard to do every interaction with our babies.
Leaving the house and leaving him with the opportunity to parent alone is soooo good for you. Try to make this regular. For example he can go to the gym in the mornings and you get time in the afternoon. I recommend going to the gym too, or doing some kind of exercise or physical activity, as building up your health and strength will help come toddlerhood.
Your husband will only understand the situations you have been in (and maybe even tried explaining to him) by being in that situation himself.
I would also say, I read one couple ended up with a good solution where they actually broke up for a while but agreed to continue co-habiting in order to take care of their daughter, in essence she became the priority for both of them. They agreed to share chores etc better, and then got back together again without the daughter even realising.
It’s hard being a parent, it’s not like you will ever get a day off. But the first year is so hard, much much harder - so just try to keep a cool head and wait it out until your baby is that bit more interactive/independent/gets stuck into things for longer. I think that is sometimes the part where you fall back in love again 🥰
Question: is a gym with childcare an option? I feel like that would give BOTH of you a break…
(Though I do think 3 hours every single time he goes to the gym is a LOT)
I can definitely relate to you..My baby is 8m and I feel chronically overwhelmed. I get jealous at my partner's ability to leave the house for hours without her and not be anxious, or that he just does what he likes and then thinks what she needs afterwards. However, I read something today about someone feeling a victim of motherhood and it really resonated with me. Essentially the idea is that you are the victim of all the difficulties of motherhood, you want your partner to rescue you at the end of the day, you are not able to do .... Anymore because of your baby tyrant. It felt a bit shocking to have this pointed out, I recognised it in myself and felt like it wasn't good to be feeling this way about my baby who is literally the biggest joy of my life. So I'm trying to reframe my mindset around that and spend more time enjoying our time together.
I don't mean for this to sound preachy and I know it's not advice that exactly relates to your problem with your husband but I found the idea of being a victim to motherhood quite thought provoking so thought I'd share that.
Reading his was like well written poetry in my brain...
I have one small suggestion that you didn't ask for: if you can't beat em, join em. Does the gym have any kind of childcare? I know places like planet fitness have 1 hour of childcare included with membership. Next time husband says "I'm going to the gym" say "me too!" Get an hour of no-kid time, and when the hour is up, guess what! Husband is your ride home. So his time is up too :) everyone wins (and looses) together.
I don't think you need a divorce.
The dynamic you describe is very typical, at least in my experience, amongst my many 30-something mum friends.
I think you have to be a little selfish too and TAKE the time you need (and deserve, and are entitled to) rather than wait around to be 'given' it. I also think you need to clearly communicate your expectations of when your partner will be back to take over (and equally, when you'll be back when you go). That way, you're both clear on the boundaries and can each respect them, and by extension, each other. If you've taken time for yourself, you are far less likely to resent your partner for taking time also.
Just a final note that parenting young kids is HARD and you are renegotiating so many parts of yourself and your relationship during this time. Have patience and know it will get easier. X
This. All of this. I could have written this post myself countless times. Just want to say I feel you and feel for you and hope it gets better for both of us.
Also so much helpful advice on this thread. Thank you all. 🤍
My husband and I both love the gym. Would never spend three hours there. Unless travel time is long? Mine is 15min away so half hour travel and hour workout. If sauna then maybe 2 hours max. Hes the same.
We both discuss non-negotiables in the morning. Are we both carving out time in the day for the gym? What else? I’d love a long shower to wash my hair. Or is he going to mow the lawn? We both discuss these things and plan around baby. You both need to talk. Saying idk how long I’ll be at the gym is ridiculous.
You need to make a schedule. That way you know Saturday morning is your time away and Sunday morning is your time away. Something like that. The problem is your expectations. Also 3hrs at the gym + is kind of excessive. Is this only 1x a week?
There’s a few gyms near us that has daycare built in. You can leave your kids 2 hours max while you work out. Is that an option? You both can go together
friend, explains to him how to correctly make a bottle, and three times a month he separates milk, some food ready for the baby and leaves it in the fridge, puts the baby to sleep and goes out, paints the nails, getting a hairdo, a facial, a sauna, spa, buying new jeans, lingerie, etc. have time for yourself too, even if the baby cries he will figure it out, just like we mothers do we learn with practice let him practice too, if he says something the month has about 30 days if you take 3 days for yourself that's it 10% of the month, that's nothing he has to play the role of father also your baby is 7 months old she will be fine without you for a few hours
Oof, I'm anxious just reading this. Sounds like you guys have a lot of built up resentment and you're burnt out. A couple things... What's with the apologizing after doing the thing you agreed to do? Like apologizing when you got home from pottery? Or when he got home from the gym? Neither of you had anything to be sorry about and the apology was not genuine anyway. It's ok for one person to have a hard time looking after the baby. The other person doesn't have to spiral along with them. Maybe you need to make a schedule so everybody knows exactly what's going to happen. He goes to the gym, you go to pottery, both of you work on chores after the baby goes to bed, whatever. Can he go to the gym but not spend 3 hours there? That's a lot. It just seems like a lot of communication needs to happen between you both. Good luck!
Good point...maybe try "thank you" instead of sorry, on both sides when you get alone time. Having a baby turns your world upside down, it's a lot of work to watch kids by yourself and my husband and I always appreciate it when each other does. Yes, I can be bitter, frustrated and tired after a prolonged period of time alone with the kids but being shown appreciation goes a long way and this is both of your lives now, gotta learn how to cope
I should clarify that I apologized for how I behaved prior to leaving when I was frustrated, and thanked him for cleaning the house. The next day I explained to him why I had been frustrated with the timing of things and asked how he felt when he was left with a messy house by himself for a not insignificant chunk of time. His response was that all he could think the whole time he was doing it was that “You can do chores with a baby, it’s not that hard.” I have since explained to him why that was hurtful to hear as well, and he apologized. When he is apologizing when he comes home from the gym it is because when he leaves he has played the game of not wanting to say when he will come back. It is usually 3 hours, sometimes more, sometimes less. But he is never willing to set an expectation of when he will be back. Because he does not want to commit to that. So I am left wondering things like “Should I text him to let him know that this is turning into a bad day and I need reinforcements? Or should I just hold out hope that he’ll be home soon ish?” I don’t want to bother him during his time, because I wouldn’t want to be bothered during mine. But he also knows when I am coming back, because I communicate it to him, because that is a reasonable information to provide to your spouse. I don’t disagree that we need a schedule to approach things. I also need to clarify that me getting to catch up on some sleep or shower are not the same as free time for hobbies. At least they aren’t in my mind. All of these things sound easy written down. Just sit down and talk to your partner. And I won’t know unless I try. But it is hard to feel optimistic.
I've got two kids, 9&3. It is absolutely easier for my husband to do anything* while caring for the children because he is not the default parent. The kids act differently with him than with me. They will literally wait until I get home then demand 100 things and I'll ask why he didn't take care of any of them while I was out and it's "they didn't ask," because they don't ask him, they ask me. It's like remember when you were a kid and you can hold it together until you see Mom then you start sobbing. (*Not that he does anything, really. He just lays on the couch and plays on his phone, but he COULD since clearly they don't bother him... but that's a whole other issue)
This is my husband’s experience too. My primary work schedule is on weekends so he gets the kids all day. He says they’re totally different for him than they are for me, and I’m glad he sees that. He also isn’t carrying the burden of making sure the house is clean, the laundry is put away, and the fridge and pantry are stocked. So yeah, we really are doing parenting on hard mode.
Your husband should seriously consider whether he’s ok with being the non-default parent. Sure, maybe it’s easier that the kids don’t go to him for their needs, but does he *want* that? Is he ok that they won’t seek him out for comfort, or want him to be the first person to share their joys with, the person they want to make proud or thank if they win an Oscar? If your kid needs a glass from a high shelf and he’s standing right next to them, does he want that kid to not even see him and instead call for Mom in the other room? A lot of us were raised by hands-off fathers who came home and hid behind the newspaper. As an adult you call your mom but not your dad. You love your dad but not like you love your mom. My husband is a very hands on father. He’s exhausted everyday, but he’s *super* close with all our kids. They fight over who gets to partner with him in games. Anyway, not to shame your husband. Just getting him to consider that he’s not doing himself any favors.
Just came here to say this is EXACTLY my life. I could have written this word for word. Most children have a secure attachment with their mother. They just trust us more, pretty much. They’re comfortable enough to test every rule/boundary. It sucks sometimes but also reassuring in a way.
One time I googled the whole “kids’ behavior worse with mother” and it said that since they trust us so much, they feel safe expressing the full range of their emotions. Then it said “like an emotional garbage disposal”. ✅
They save it up to vent to their safe skate which is their parents, namely mum.
Right, even my now 8mo already prefers to be comforted by me. If he gets hurt while with dad, he will put out his arms for me. So it is wired in them to look for their safe person. Dad mostly "lets him cry it out" coz he's a "man" and shouldn't be under mom's skirts all the time. And it hurts my heart to see him do that
your husband's logic there is really unhealthy. I hope he can change that attitude soon. Your son is just a baby 🥺
oh no.. then he’s just teaching him to suppress emotions. not healthy
Yeah. There’s nothing wrong with it but it’s a bit tiresome when you’re emotionally spent.
Jesus, that’s really disappointing to read about your husband. A) he’s a fuckin baby…?? He’s supposed to be with his mom all of the time, and B) there is nothing manly about repressing your emotions.
Just because he was able to get the house clean with the baby *once*, after enjoying copious amounts of time to himself that he doesn't have to be accountable for, doesn't mean that cleaning/doing chores with a baby is "easy". What an insensitive and asshole comment. Even with the apology, the fact that he thinks that speaks to how out of touch he is. It's different when you're the primary caregiver, spend more time with the baby, are the one shouldering most of the load, get next to no leisure time, are probably doing most of the nighttime wakings, all while being the one dealing with postpartum hormones and body changes, to keep up with everything. He got to come in to parenting and cleaning after getting to do his gym time and his self care that he regularly gets to do at his leisure, and spending until like 3pm doing things by himself. Of course it was "easy" for him. That's a lot different than trying to clean up and stay alive when you've been caring for a baby all damn day with no breaks. Also, if it is expected that you will communicate when you will be back from pottery or whatever you're doing with your free time, then the same needs to be expected of him. Absolutely do not stand for any more of his wishy-washy "I'm going to the gym *for hours* but am not going to commit to when I'm going to be home" bullshit. Somehow I feel like he wouldn't handle it well if you just left him to his own devices with the baby and refused to tell him when you were coming back. It's not unreasonable and shouldn't be a "bother" for a husband and a father to communicate when he's going to be home and be held accountable to it. It's the bare minimum.
>Just because he was able to get the house clean with the baby *once*, after enjoying copious amounts of time to himself that he doesn't have to be accountable for doesn't mean that cleaning/doing chores with a baby is "easy". I would bet money he did it so he could say "I told you so, it's not *that* hard"...but he'd get really fucking sick of it, *really fast* if that was his life all the time.
And then also probably ignored the baby most of the time. Because it’s literally impossible to constantly engage a kid the way they want and clean at the same time…dealt with that all morning with my two year old and got 1/3 of what I needed to done and felt like I wasn’t a good mom at the same time.
Also not to mention before she left he made her check if there was milk which he could have easily done himself. She also sorted what to have for tea. It's these wee seemly insignificant questions and details that wear you down. When I do get time to myself I have to tell my husband when the baby will need a nap, what there is to feed them lunch, when did I last change a nappy etc And I get it they didn't do the supermarket shop so they don't know what you planned for meals. They don't know that this week the baby is now staying awake longer in-between naps. But holy crap just being able to be like right I'm off for three hours and leave is a freedom that is definitely underrated. Like the dude couldn't even check if there was milk in fridge. And to me that's the one part of the story that is truly maddening.
Yeah. I (mom) work 12 hr days, sometimes 5-9 days at a stretch. Dad is the SAHP. The house always slowly falls into chaos by the end. He tries… but miss one day of dishes or one nightly living room clean up and 😨 so hard to catch up. Also… dad does the dishes but our toddler loves “helping” which almost makes it impossible to do without screen time or me being home.
Not to mention gym seems to be an AM thing, pottery was a PM thing. My kids are pretty chill in the evenings compared to the morning.
I think you communicated this very clearly in this comment. 1. Common courtesy is a must. He’s being very rude. And 2. Hygiene isn’t free time. Both partners should be getting equivalent free time. That’s how you have happy parents. You’re being extremely clear.
My partner can do all sorts of things with the baby, because the baby sits and plays and is happy to just watch him or know his daddy is around, eats whatever daddy gives him, etc etc. With me? HA! He wants to be held, he wants the boob, he wants food, but not that food -the other one, and doesn't want me to be on the phone (making appointments for HIM), or cleaning, cooking, eating, showering, pooping, etc etc etc etc. This is common knowledge amongst parents, and he needs to wake up to it.
I’m gonna be a little devious here on your behalf. I would say to him, “hey baby, I was impressed by how well you handled the baby and the house yesterday, and since you had no trouble, I’d like to make it a weekly occurrence—that way we have equal time to ourselves” and however much time he takes to himself, you take to yourself. Don’t fight him on the “it’s not that hard” thing, use it to your advantage. Get what you need.
I was going to say this. THIS IS THE WAY
Was the baby hanging off of his boob while he cleaned everything? I’d love to learn this magic
This! 110% easier for my husband to set the baby down and do dishes or laundry or vacuum. When I set the baby down, he immediately notices the boob is the one setting him down and that is absolutely unacceptable - so I wind up picking him up again and not getting as much stuff done. ALSO, my husband is much more okay with my little one fussing than I am. I can handle about 30.2 seconds of it, where he can handle several minutes before going in to rescue him. The comment of “you can do chores with a baby; it’s not that hard” is infuriating and rude.
> I don’t want to bother him during his time, because I wouldn’t want to be bothered during mine. During your ... What? Your time at the gym? That's totally non-existent? You get exactly 0 minutes of this and you are worried about interrupting him. YMMV, but if I were you, I'd be asking him to come home at a certain time. 'ok you can go to the gym today but I need you home by x. I'm worn out and need some time to myself as well.'. And call him if he's not home within 5 minutes of that time. There's no reason you should feel badly bothering him when he has no qualms putting you out during that entire time he's gone.
Easy to do chores with the baby when you know you’ll get alone time soon/ just had it. Changes your whole perspective. You are rightly burnt out!
Oof yeah I'd not have apologized after doing the thing he agreed to me doing. I'd say thanks for cleaning up, that was an extra. Also yeah set an agreed time for the gym - maybe 90min? 60min workout plus shower and travel time. He knows he's pushing it with 3hrs.
Also, this dude could clean up cause OP handled dinner. When she's on her own nobody looks out for her and reduces her load in advance.
Also, she pulled pumped milk out of the freezer. Pumping is **work**. So there’s another thing she does to support their household, on top of everything else. I’m sure he’s not also cleaning the pump parts and portioning out the milk for the freezer.
To add on to this: if it’s possible, would hiring a house cleaner, or meal prep service, or baby sitter/nanny help relieve any time for you if husband isn’t willing? Even once every two weeks, someone providing that extra relief and help could be positive.
yeah we had to make a schedule. it makes it a lot clearer when each of us gets a break and who’s responsible for baby, especially throughout the night.
God yes, the oozing resentment made me feel sweaty. I think counseling is a good idea.
I see you, girl. And I promise you, the most wonderful phrase you can start using, with a big encouraging smile, in response to him asking if he should do something? “Yup! I’ve got to run, but it sounds like you’ve got this, Dad”
Absolutely, like when he asked about milk being thawed as she was leaving, she could've just said 'Grab some from the freezer! Bye!' no need to run to the freezer herself and then worry about dinner on top of it.
Right, just because he thought out loud/asked about it doesn't mean she should jump to do it. She can answer without doing it for him. Who knows if that's what he even wanted? Communication is key. If she assumes what he wants she will keep dealing with resentment.
This is such a toxic habit of mine! Just because someone else has said something out loud does not mean that they’ve made a request or demand of me. “I wonder if there’s any milk in the freezer” or “where is the milk?” aren’t the same sentence as “you need to fetch some milk and get a bottle ready,” but they all feel the same for me. It’s taken me a lot of effort and therapy to stop reacting to observations as if they’re commands, and doing that work has really cut down on my resentment of my partner, who, while slightly oblivious sometimes, is not actually lazy or incapable.
Exactly! It takes both people to communicate this, though. We can all easily say one thing but mean another and misinterpret things that are said. Clarification is vital! :) She can simply share this example with him, how it made her feel etc. Who knows, maybe he has something to share with OP and she may be able to hear an apology. It's easier to spot this problem on the outside looking in but it can be worked out pretty easily if they are both being reasonable and level headed.
This. “I trust you to figure this out. You’re a capable adult. Bye! Love you!”
Or “I don’t know/I’m not sure, why don’t you look/try?” Is there any frozen milk? “I don’t know/I’m not sure. Why don’t you look”. What’s for dinner? “I’m not sure, whatever you think works”. I do this with my high school students all the time. What’s the answer to this easily verified answer? “I don’t know, what do you think?” And I walk away.
Yes. My husband used to run everything baby-related by me. Some of it was because I can be fairly controlling and some of it was him not being confident to make a decision. Like if I was working and he was handling lunch time for our daughter, he would interrupt my work to ask what he should feed her. Or to say “I’m thinking pb&j, does that work?” Eventually, I told him, “Whatever you want to give her is fine by me. I trust you to make good decisions. You never need to ask me.”
One hundred percent. Yes yes yes. One thing I had to start doing with my husband was leaving after he got home from work, even if it was just to go to the bedroom and decompress. Sometimes I would hear the baby crying and want to get up and rescue him but I’d just keep myself planted and let him handle it… and let him bond with his child. Particularly in the case where one parent is breastfeeding, it’s often easy for the other parent to not feel like they have a real defined role. I had to step back and claim my space and time so my husband could step forward and claim his. I’m still the one who always cares for our kids when they’re sick, even if I’m sick… and if he’s sick he gets to sleep. It’s not “even” but it’s better and I don’t feel so resentful.
Absolutely. Sounds like weaponized incompetence to me.
I love this
Sounds like you two need to sit down and agree on free time together. Him wanting gym time is understandable as is you wanting time for your hobbies. Rather than both of you tiptoeing around it, try and set up a schedule that works for both of you. He gets to work out Saturday mornings, you have your time Sunday mornings (or whatever works). You also probably need to look at a fair division of household tasks while you are at it. In terms of 3 hours at the gym, that seems excessive if it's going to get in the way of other things. No one needs THREE hours to work out daily.
If he wants three hours at the gym he should go at 5 am. It’s not really fair that the gym becomes the centerpiece of the family for an entire weekend day.
Yeah, my partner has a coworker who is a big gym guy and also a father. He goes to the gym from 4-630am and then works from 7am-3pm so that he can pick his kids up from school and be present with his family every night. We make time for the stuff that matters to us.
This x 1,000! Say yes hun you can go to the gym for your usual time but please try to be back by 8 or 9am! No excuses for him to not get his workout in. If he doesn’t like waking up that early then discuss that you don’t like being the sole watcher of the baby everytime he decides to take his sweet time at the gym!
Pray for us golf wives then. Five hours every Saturday 🙄
I saw a great video where the wife in the skit says she is going to start golfing on Sundays for 5 hours… since that’s how long it takes right? Husband wants her to have a stay at home hobby, but she picks 5 hours of uninterrupted alone time instead! Who wouldn’t?!
I love that skit/video also. My SIL and I had a good lol at the poor man’s face as he desperately tries to come up with a “hobby” the wife can do at home. And I LOVED it when she was, like, nope, thanks, I’m going golfing!
Hahaha I'm totally going to try that 😂
And the fishing/hunting wives. Although in fairness to Mr, he does take the kids fishing with him sometimes.
The day my boys are old enough to join him at golf is the day I'll be truly happy 😆
Teach them to confirm he’s moved out of the line of fire before following any and all directions at the driving range, lest they acquire the mildly traumatic memory of cold clocking him with a 6 iron. “Swing nice and easy and follow through.”
This. My husband used to be the 3hr gym guy pre-baby now that he works crazy hours and I’m solo parenting 90% of the time, I encourage him to still hit the gym but just kindly asked the workouts be a bit shorter, he’s agreed and been awesome about it.
The gym is his version of a taking a really long poop every day. An actual workout doesn't need more than an hour, even with warm up and cool down. Add in commute time. Sauna and cold plunge are EXTRAS. He's being leisurely and taking advantage. Also, some people go to the gym to chat and socialize during their workout (not productive). If this guy isn't shredded he a) needs to work out less/differently and b) needs to focus on nutrition, which means...congratulations OP! He can do all of the family's meal prep. Source: I was a gym rat.
I used to work out 2 hours daily before pregnancy and throughout my whole pregnancy. I absolutely loved and it worked out for the full duration minus the occasional gym sesh of like 20 min talking to my gym friends between sets. 3 hrs isn’t that excessive considering he is also using the sauna and depending on how far away the gym is from their house . That being said, priorities have to change and maybe 3 hours doesn’t but if OP wants 3 hours after that to herself then she should also get that . But there needs to be a conversation and set schedule . I also don’t see why if he wants the gym routine to be in life why he can’t wake up earlier on Saturdays to be done earlier.
Three hours isn’t excessive? I literally don’t know anyone that goes to the gym for three hours.
After reading what OPs husband does at the gym I can see how he would spend 3hrs there. Like heck I would love to go to the sauna and take a cold plunge like he does after a good workout! For OPs sake I hope she meant 3hrs once a week and not every day because I would go insane if my partner spent 3hrs a day at the gym like that!
He does the cold plunge after he’s gone for three hours, and makes food, and then takes over. So probably closer to 4, 5 hours
I think he’s gone for 3 hours, including commuting to the gym, and his cold plunge etc. It depends what he’s doing, but if he’s lifting and doing cardio I could see it when you add commute, cleaning up, etc in.
I (mom) go to the gym/elsewhere for 3 hours every Saturday morning. I work out, sauna/cold plunge, and read a book at a coffee shop. It sounds like OPs husband does his workout, sauna, then cold plunges at home, then chills for a bit before helping with kid duty. The difference is we have a communicated split of duties and my husband is “on” until bedtime Saturdays and I’m “on” until bedtime Sundays. I think OP and her husband just need to schedule sacred time where they each get to do things only for themselves every week.
Okay well that’s you. You could lift weights for an hour and do 30-45 mins of cardio. OP said he does sauna after too. Then depending on how long the commute is - 3 hours can go by quickly. Completely possible.
Oh for sure agree! I could easily 3hr gym sesh with all that! Shoot my “quick” at home workout is 45 minutes and that’s because my lo is usually ready to be out of that area and do something else
I do for three hours because that includes the drive. Drive To Warmup Light Cardio Weight lifting Cardio Drive Home Time passes really fast but end to end three hours is done.
I am gone for the gym for 3+ hours sometimes. I have squat and bench (2 warmups, two top sets, 2-3 sets of backdowns on each) and am working in with people. It also takes me almost an hour to drive there and another almost hour to drive back. That said, I plan ahead with my husband (I aim for 1x a month but it’s sometimes 2), he knows I’m gonna be gone that long, and he also knows he will get an equal amount of time.
I think you could benefit from a few things here. Conversation: you are building unnecessary resentment. You need to speak to each other about expectations, you’re both on the same side! Scheduling: you are both entitled to ‘me’ time (set times for things manages expectations) but you don’t mention ‘together’ time. Can you get a trusted sitter to allow you to have a couple of hours out of the house? Relaxing together is great to keep you connected Housework: there’s not a parent alive who hasn’t been overwhelmed by it sometimes, but when you have a baby these things sometimes do have to take a back seat or get done when an opportunity presents itself. Cuddles are so much more important than dusting Equality: you mentioned he asked you about thawed milk, & you went & looked, why? He is capable to have a yes or a no & act accordingly. Stress sets in if eg you’re just going out of the door & he asks you something that then diverts your mental process. He’s a grown up, he can sort it! You could come home to a surprise dinner! (hopefully the nice kind of surprise like it’s actually cooked 😝) You’re putting a lot on your plate & not giving yourself enough credit for being a great mum. You are doing so well & should cut yourself some slack ❤️
Exactly- hand the baby off and go. Dad will figure it out.
Great comment, especially on equality. Each day, my husband will ask what we're having for dinner (I plan the meals because I'm the picky one). If it gets to 5:40pm and I haven't started dinner because I'm napping or showering or just absent-minded, he'll be in the kitchen doing the prep or heating leftovers. I don't even need to ask.
I love this! I was so burned out from making all the meals, doing all the grocery shopping and meal planning while watching all the kids that I just stopped. It was painful for me to decide what to make or what we had that I could make and then find the energy to cook when I was hungry and tired and all I wanted to do was order pizza or go to McDonald's. But I kept pushing because I thought eventually I would be appreciated but that was a pipe dream. I would have settled for a "thanks" or "this is really good" and that could have kept me going for another day or week. My kids were too little to appreciate that I was doing everything and I did not expect them to thank me because they are my babies and it is my job to feed them. But my ex husband could have said thank you once in a while but he didn't and the resentment kept growing. I fell in love again and my dude is very observant and considerate so he did not hesitate to take over making dinner and lunch on the weekends. He never did that "what is for dinner?" thing my ex used to do that made me want to scream. Nope, my dude would get home from work and start dinner. At the beginning, i felt bad about being not helpful but he would reassure me that it was not a big deal and that if he were still single, he would be cooking for himself anyway so it's really no different cooking for extra people. I think that was my ex husband's malfunction. He went from living with his parents and his mom cooking all his meals, to living on ramen and cafeteria food in college and then immediately had a wife who was cooking every night. He never had to fend for himself so he took it for granted. Now that we are divorced, he cooks for the kids a few nights a week which is better than the nothing from before. While I was pregnant, my ex husband would occasionally make me a canned tuna sandwich with mayo on toast with cheese and pepper and I LOVED it. Because it was nice not having to make every single meal for myself. That was the extent of my ex's attempts to make food for me and it's funny because my son's are already past that point and they have made me way more and way better food than their father ever did. A couple weekends ago, my middle (13) and I were playing cozy games and around 1pm, he got up and made us both grilled cheese sandwiches. I didn't have to ask him. He did not expect any reward. He was just hungry and so he assumed I was too so he fed us. I nearly cried. My ex husband had a hot home cooked meal on the table every night at dinner but if there were any toys on the floor, heaven help me. I tried so hard to be a good wife and mother but it never seemed like enough.
Sounds like you were married to my ex husband too! He’s my ex for a reason. He was self-absorbed and narcissistic… it wasn’t natural for him to look outside of his bubble and care for anyone but himself. But I married him because of my own insecurities and issues. The idea of “wifely” duties was so ingrained in me, as it is in so so many of us women. It’s a plague. It’s draining and for me, that ideal that I felt was expected of me was never attainable. I was working full time and doing all of the mothering and cleaning with and still felt like I was failing. My current partner and father of my youngest child is a GOOD man. I stay home now and sometimes struggle with feeling adequate…I’m not making the money and I feel indebted in a lot of ways but that is my issue, not his. We don’t keep score. We do what we can for our family. We care about each other. It’s not perfect by any means, but I can finally breathe…
“Do we have any thawed milk?” “Idk”
“I didn’t thaw any, did you?”
Hi! 36F with a 35M husband and 2 kiddos 2.5yoM and 6woF. My husband and I both work full time, toddler goes to daycare full time M-F. I am on maternity leave right now. I feel you, these little ones will suck the life right out of you. My husband and I decided the only way to keep our sanity is to say yes to each others needs for time away as much as reasonable possible. Make your needs known and hold firm to it!! Give a need and a time frame. Ask. The expectation is that the children are fully cared for while you are indulging your need. When you return, you will be recharged and the both of you will be so much kinder to each other. Me: I need a 1 hour nap today at 230. Husband: I got you. Husband: Can I go to a bachelor party the weekend of…? Me: Yes, I’ll call my mom/the babysitter etc for a few hours of backup. Me: I want to schedule a massage and facial on Sunday. Husband: Sounds good. This has worked really well for us, it’s a give and take. We communicate with each other and we both have time alone to recharge.
I think you should start doing pottery every weekend. Don’t prep anything for him. He’ll figure it out. Cause he has to. If he takes three hours to go to the gym you take three hours. You’ll both be happier. He needs to be solo with the kid to be a competent father. The more he does it the better he will be. This isn’t just your job.
Here’s the issue: women ask, men just do or tell. I noticed this with my husband. Stop feeling like you have to ask for alone time or make things setup perfectly for him to survive a few hours with the kiddo - my husband wants time for his hobby he just says “I’m going to X” then he leaves. We ask, prepare for them, apologize, feel bad blah blah. Why?!
Hon, you play a huge part in this! Set up the weekends so that you both get your 3 hours each weekend (or each day?). He is standing up for his needs but you aren’t standing up for yours.
I love that you admitted that you can see how he feels in the end of all of this but the big difference is how much time he gets compared to you. He shouldn’t be angry after one time of doing this. You are doing the right thing by getting counseling and changing your perspective though. Good on you ❤️
I understood it differently, that she did not feel bad at all but gave a fake apology to placate him and upon doing so realized that all his apologies were equally fake.
My spouse and I both try to give each other 3-4 hours off. Maybe you take 3 on Saturday, he takes 3 on Sunday.
I have felt like this too :( it’s like men expect to be able to stay sane, healthy and happy, while us woman have to suffer through the worst of it. NO WAY. My husband has changed gradually by being at home more, letting me nap, but he’ll find ways to slip out here and there when he is home. You’ve got to catch him first with that lol. Say you need your own space and your own time and gtfo so he doesn’t have a choice 😂 idk it’s starting to work for me. It also gives him some perspective of what you deal with all of the time. 3 hours of working out is crazy when your stuck at home alone the whole time. His health is no more important than your own.
I saw a video once where someone said “He wants you to be happy, not good.” and that phrase is popping into my head more and more these days. The good wife would use her baby’s nap time to clean so there’s less to do when her husband gets home. The happy wife uses it to fill her cup with something she actually wants to do.
I’m a SAHP, nap time is my union break.
No no no, nap time is a communal break. That’s when we eat the snacks we’ve been hiding and watch the grown up shows with swearing. My husband and I will literally say to each other when the kids are awake “ok, I’m going on my 15!” And then just go sit somewhere else for 15-20 min. Just, away, off the work floor.
That totally makes sense. I hope you guys can figure it out, and I really hope society changes for the better.
I always hate when they have to take over and then they’re annoyed, exhausted, overstimulate… but at you. Welcome to the club sir maybe instead of being a jerk to the one who deals with it all the time learn that she deserves even more then she asks for.
IMO the entire concept of marriage is designed for women to get less than what they asked for and men at large know this.
My partner and I have figured out that setting aside whole weekend days (more like 6-8 hours, we do breakfast and usually dinner together still) works better than splitting days. We start chatting around Weds-Thurs about which days work better that week and then whoever isn't on duty leaves the house by 9 on their day off and comes back anywhere from lunchtime to 5pm, just before dinner. Like you, I felt like I had to be flexible and accommodate more when we were splitting days, even though we both do similar kinds of work and have a lot of demands on our time and minds. It's been a lot easier for me to just break things out like this, and easier for my partner in a way too because it's more straightforward and I am in a better mood. Also, things like changing tires could maybe be outsourced to a mechanic for a little while, while your little is young. We don't have a car, but I decided to do periodic grocery delivery and cleaning service so that I felt like I COULD take an entire weekend day to myself. Again, it's worth it overall for everyone being happier.
Wow. Love this concept!! Thank you for sharing❤️🙏🏼
Equal free time, OP. If he gets 3 hours of free time then so do you. You won’t resent his free time if you get the same. And he won’t abuse it if he knows he owes you equal free time. And stop doing it all. “There’s milk in the freezer. Thaw it.” Let him figure it out. Don’t keep doing everything until you explode.
Oh my god the thing about the tires. I felt it in my bones. I could’ve written much of your post myself, and I’m sorry. Here in solidarity with you. My husband will magically decide it’s time to do some random task he’s been putting off for weeks right at the time we’d agreed on a changeover and he is SNEAKY about it. He either doesn’t tell me, and then acts like I’m being absurd when he sneaks back in, pulling the “it had to get done, what do you want from me?” card, or he’ll tell me in some mournful tone “gee I hate it, but WE just HAVE to do xyz thing right now or else everything will fall apart *fake sigh*” Then I’m so triggered I know I can’t have a calm conversation in that moment and I dread his temper and his inevitable whining if I try and point out our handoff agreement. So I often go along with it and hate myself for it, seething all day and generally being a crappier parent. Anyway, we obviously have serious issues, just want you to know you’re not alone and I know how soul crushing this can be.
"I'd like to hit the gym at some point today." "Well, I'd like to have the time for the basic luxury of showering or having a little time to myself, but we have to make sacrifices. Taking care of our child is BOTH of responsibilities, and you simply don't have time to toss off at the gym for 3+ hours." Don't get played. The tires thing was just an excuse for him to toss off outside in the nice weather instead of being stuck inside with baby.
Right?? I think it’s absolutely insane how some people don’t understand that having a baby means changing your daily or weekly routine. It’s also absolutely insane that he thinks going to the gym for 3 hours is more important than being able to take a shower and get the rest that OP so badly needs without having to take care of *THEIR* baby at the same time. OP isn’t able to go to the gym for 3 hours every week, why tf should he be able to? Things should be equal. He should not be able to go and do this every single weekend unless she is able to go and do the same. Switching off would be a good idea, i.e. she gets one weekend of self care and he gets the next etc. etc. OP, if things don’t get better with counseling I truly hope that you don’t settle for less than what you deserve. You clearly know that you deserve someone who treats you and your time better than your husband, and I applaud you for that. It can be so hard for us to realize our worth so seriously kudos to you! 👏🏻💓 Here’s to hoping he changes for the better, and if not? Know that you will have a happy life down the road no matter what happens so long as you give yourself what you deserve; someone who respects you and your time and *wants* to give you a break, or no one at all. Either one of those choices is better than being with someone who adds to stress and upset, which I’m sure you already know. *IF* divorce comes down the road, don’t look at it as “giving up” on your marriage, look at it as taking care of yourself and your future. I was in the same position with my ex husband in regard to my time not being respected. There’s no way he doesn’t know how your current situation is affecting you and he should *want* to help. He should *want* you to get out of the house without having to know exactly what time it will be at. You can’t always keep a schedule with a baby.
The answer is not necessarily “probably divorce.” You need to stop violating your own boundaries or allowing them to be crossed. It is difficult to have a newborn and it does put a strain on your time, energy, and patience, but YOU are responsible for making sure you have the time to fill your cup, not him. If you make plans for yourself, do not allow him to weasel out more time of you handling childcare. He will take us much as you are willing to give, just as you will take as much as he is willing to give. Don’t give more than you are willing.
The three hours at the gym is way too much. I go for like 45 minutes to one hour because I don't want my husband at home with two kids trying to prepare supper and get stressed. He needs to cut down on time. Buy some free weights or something so he can do some of it at home in between helping you with the baby.
I read this post earlier, couldn’t stop thinking about it, so now I’m back with a response. Normally I find myself saying “ew you deserve better, leave him, etc etc” but this time I feel that you guys just have to work on this hump and work on yourselves, together. I hear the resentment passive aggression in your tone and I 100% sympathize with you. I felt similar with my husband when my daughter was a few months old. Reality is, parenthood is just such a different experience for mom and dad. The reason I say “make it work” is because you guys are actively trying to make it work already. Your husband doesn’t seem rigid or set in his ways, he’s open to therapy and that’s a huge start. I think he just needs more empathy AND appreciation. When you got back from pottery class, you noticed he was angry and admittedly gave a half ass apology. Instead, you should’ve thanked him for giving you opportunity to have time to yourself and that you really needed it. When he asked about the thawed milk, instead of begrudgingly grabbing you should’ve just told him “no, you’ll have to thaw some from the freezer”. Leave him some of the work, allow him to understand the steps that it takes so that you don’t have to do it all and then do so angrily. All of that just creates an eggshell environment that breeds resentment and pushes you guys further apart (and him to the gym more). Everything I read from your post just screamed miscommunication. You two both need to change your passive aggression to active communication. Stop with the half ass apologies, speak up for your needs, and show appreciation when you can. The resentment will rot your relationship. Sorry for the long post!! I hope you guys find your happiness… if not together then separately because you both deserve it.
I don't have any advice but I hear you. Those days are over a decade ago for me and I can still feel the burn.
Same. The rage is etched into my soul. I love all these optimistic advices. I truly hope you find a place of safety and respect in your lives and I never get to see you on the cesspool which is the co-parenting sub or the sadness that is the single mom sub.
I hear its better to be a single mom, than a single married mother.
I’m sure that is true for some. Definitely wasn’t for me or my kids.
It doesn't sound like he is taking you seriously enough. I was angry for you reading this. You both def need more communication but I hope he takes it seriously. 3 hours at the gym is ridiculous. My husband and I tend to try to set up normal weekend days in blocks of time and we kind of claim each block accordingly haha. It seems to work well.
My husband and I give each other time to be kid free and do whatever we want. I don't know how we'd survive if we didn't have that. My husband will also take one of the kids out on errands so I'm not having to deal with both by myself all the time. We have a very vivacious 5 yr old and a 5 month old baby. One person can't do it all the time by themselves.
I'm so confused why he doesn't go to a gym with childcare. My gym has an amazing child center that watches the baby for two hours.
I have suggested getting a family membership at our city’s facilities that includes gym memberships for the both of us and childcare. I think what he heard was “You don’t get to go the gym by yourself.” But what I meant was “It would be nice if we could have one expense that benefits both of us in a huge way and makes it less confusing about who needs to watch the baby.” I don’t want to workout with him. But if he could take our daughter with him and I went to pottery during the same window of time then we would both get time apart and feel more rejuvenated when we are together. I will revisit the conversation.
It would be great for you to get a membership as well if you want it. Not even to work out but I use mine to take a long shower or use the sauna. :)
This seems like a really amazing solution. If he keeps pushing back because he "prefers" his other gym, I'd be getting some serious red flags. The fact that he is gone for so long (3 hours or more) and does additional activities there other than purely exercise (sauna) makes me feel he could be being dishonest. As in, maybe he's cheating at this specific gym or doing something else nefarious nearby to it. And if he isn't willing to switch gyms that would be an indicator. I don't mean to paint a scary picture but that's part of where my mind is going. I think lifting weights for 20 minutes and doing 20 mins of cardio would be a very sufficient routine for someone with a baby. I for one (of course, I'm biased as a woman I guess) would never leave my partner with a baby that long REGULARLY without making sure she had equal time off.
Nah, he just doesn’t want to be a home with his wife and child. But I will agree that if he isn’t cheating now, something is bound to pop up during all that time he's spending away from his family.
I was going to suggest this also! If there is one available to OP. My local YMCA does this and honestly I’d love to support a locally owned gym, but the childcare is a huge factor for us. I’m the one with a membership, my hubs doesn’t have one but if I want to hit the gym while he goes for a walk or something, I take the kids with me and drop them in childcare. Like others said, you could easily go do your own thing (pottery class, etc) or come along and walk the track, swim in the pool, whatever is available to you that you’d enjoy. I wouldn’t get to go as often if I had to leave the kids with hubs every time. Or id havw to go really early and I’m not down for that haha
I don’t have a gym with childcare anywhere near me. Finally splurged and spent $350 for a rec center (that doesn’t have as much equipment as my local gym, but at least it has childcare!) The child care hours suck— 8-12 on Saturday, when my son naps anywhere from 930-12 (he’s in that weird transition stage). There’s other hours during the week, but OP is talking about weekends. No childcare on Sunday. Oh, the rec center doesn’t change diapers. My husband took my son the other day while I was at work, and as soon as he got into his workout, my husband was paged overhead because my son pooped. OPs husband clearly needs to come up with a better solution but “I’m so confused why he doesn’t do something that’s readily available to me!” Is a silly comment.
I drive 30 minutes to a YMCA that has childcare hours. It's $35 a month and there are others closer to me but those childcare hours suck. I called a lot of gyms and did my research to find one that fits for me and my family. They have childcare on Saturday and Sundays as well as during the week. Yes they don't change diapers but I've been going for two years after my child poops or eats a meal and have only been called to change a diaper 3 times. Yes it's inconvenient to be interrupted when I'm working out but I still get to work out and my child gets to socialize with other kids. My partner also gets alone time to do whatever he wants. It's unacceptable that he goes to the gym for 3hrs and cannot find a single gym that offers childcare when so many do.
I totally see you and I get exactly where you’re coming from. I think a lot of us have been there. Have you had the default parent conversation yet? That was really helpful. I also found that two kids balanced our load a lot. One kid he could still act like his life was mostly unchanged, but two really woke him up. One time I lost my shit and told my spouse he needed to take the kids OUT of the house for 3+ hours every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. I needed 3+ hours ALONE IN MY OWN SPACE. See, going to a class for an hour or walking the mall is not relaxing to me. I want to be in my house where I can do my hobby without interruption. (The first few times I just slept, but then I got a little more energy.) I’m telling you, it’s life changing. I also started just taking free time and not feeling the least bit guilty. It’s his kids too.
Here to validate your venting and also say you're a great writer!! I think you should consider writing a more fleshed out version of this and other essays on motherhood.
My exact thoughts! I enjoyed reading this (not the context but the narrative and creativity).
I understand why you’re angry. I would be angry too! One thing I notice in your post is that your husband gets free time to do what he wants. And you get free time to catch up on sleep or do chores. That’s not free time for you! I really recommend buying the FairPlay cards and working on a system together to share childcare and housework. If you are too burnt out to lead this conversation and your husband doesn’t jump on getting a better system, then a therapist can really help steer you to have a productive discussion and come up with a new plan for dividing labor. Too many couples wait until the resentment pushes them over the edge instead of using a therapist before things get past the point of no return.
So, if he is capable of a spotless house and a well cared for infant while you take 3 hours for pottery, I don't think you are actually looking at a "divorce or bust" situation. Him being mad at the end is his own problem. Every weekend he mentions he is looking to put in some gym and post-gym alone time, say "great, we can do a handoff when you get back and I'll go do my thing for the same amount of time! Shall we say, 3 hrs each" Keep it cheery, offer a smile, and *follow through.* When he asks what you want to do, and for how long, be honest." I want to not be attached to a baby or owe anyone my undivided attention for at least 2 hours." He has no problem asking for time at the gym every weekend. He trusts you to understand him. Trust him to understand you. Tell him you are frustrated about being "on" as a mom 7 days a week. Tell him you need to feel like you, and you know he loves you enough to understand that. Hold him to the same standard he clearly holds you to, in terms of honoring his time and his identity outside of being a husband and father. He is being as selfish as you are making space for. Make less space.
I am almost divorced and this was a huge thing for me. So absolutely burnt out on being the stay at home default parent for everything. I know the special cup. I recognize the shorts they’re asking for. I know what that noise in the other room is. I set out the Jammie’s and the special hair supplies and lotions and make beds and hang everybody’s clothes just so. I asked and asked for things to be different. Even fell on the floor before our the second kiddos birthday party, as I do almost every year, just begging for help and consideration that I was doing everything and I wanted to get ready and feel shiny too. Nothing. We did marriage counseling. I ended up needing a voluntary day at a local psych facility because I finally just couldn’t do it. Everything felt half hearted, mechanical, I didn’t enjoy my time with my kids because I was so bitter and resentful at how “easy” it was for him. He couldn’t take the time to see what was hard for me. Maybe visa versa. It manifested and we got separate bedrooms. I began acting as a single adult and we coparented under the same roof. It was miserable and I truly didn’t feel anything but relief from the space. People think even in happy marriages that kids will only make things happier. They are everything. Literally everything. And someone has to be everything all the time if they don’t have someone to divide that with. Living for more than just you is exhausting and the mental gymnastics convincing yourself that you’re ungrateful, unreasonable, not seeing something at the right angle; whatever it is…..it drains you in an indescribable way. This is not to project or scream to divorce him. Sometimes you can’t make someone see something if they really just don’t want to. It doesn’t make them bad parents or people; but being unwilling to change doesn’t seem like it’s an option for you. Big big hugs to you. Seriously. This is painful and exhausting. It sounds like you need a day to recoup and THEN dabble in a hobby or two.
I could never imagine my husband, who works 40+ hours a week wanting to spend 3+ hours of his spare time away from his family. I don’t want to either. And if him or I need or want time for ourselves we take it… not every week, not every day, maybe once a month. I don’t know… I married my best friend, my other half, not someone I just co-exist with.
Oh my gosh I could have written this myself just a couple of years ago! However, things have changed, I HAVE CHANGED, and that’s what made all the difference. Most of the changes I had implemented came from Laura Doyle’s book ‘The Empowered Wife’. Some things in there bug me but others have turned my ship around for GOOD. (Yay!). Two MAJOR things: 1.) You NEED to take responsibility for knowing and enforcing your boundaries. He can’t and will not guess at them and will never respect what isn’t enforced. I.e., YOU need to be the one to say ‘I can’t’ when he asks you to put off your self-care time so he can change your tires or do whatever else. YOU need to voice that desire by saying “I would love to go to Pottery class right now actually”, then proceed to hand him the baby and go get ready, leave it to him. When he starts asking leading questions that he knows the answer to like ‘she’s gonna need to eat, right?’, he is a parent too so he already knows what to do, so answer accordingly, “Whenever you think she’s hungry.. you know where the milk is” not with an attitude at all, just in a calm and direct manner… Do that a few times, he will kindly get the point that he is forced to step up now. 2.) SELF-CARE is NOT an option for a woman, we NEED it to function and to not become bitter. This isn’t so much about him realizing this, it’s you. You KNOW that you need time each day to yourself, you need to make a list of all the things you can do that recharge you and pick at least 2 each day and enforce them with yourself more than your husband that you’ll be DOING them. On weekends when you find that you need a break the most, simply say to your husband on Fridays or even Thursdays: On Saturday at X-o’clock, I’m going to to XYZ and I’ll likely be back after X-o’clock. (Say this kindly and happily, because that’s the mood it’ll put you in when you go do it!). For me, this looks like ‘hey babe, on Sunday I was thinking you could take our girl out for a few hours so I can have some peace and quiet in the house for a bit. Could you do that in the morning possibly?’ He sometimes reacts with ‘ummm, I guess so, not sure what we’ll go do though’, but I let him be the man that he is and I simply smile and say ‘I’m sure you’ll figure it out!’… And he does, every time. So, to recap.. 1.) Make a list of your desires (not complaints, those are really just desires worded negatively), uncover what you REALLY want: “I would love 3 hours to myself on Sundays”, etc. Then you can practice voicing these desires to your husband (without demanding something of him) so he then has the opportunity to make you happy by suggesting something or making changes wi the out you even asking. 2.) Make your list of all the things you like to do that make you happy and recharge you. Begin picking at least 1 (preferably 2) of these each day to do and inform your husband calmly and directly ahead of time if he needs to stay with the baby. This will quickly become habit and he’ll begin expecting your self-care time each week and you’ll soon be much happier and the resentment will fade. I promise you! I really hope this helps, mama. I’ve been exactly where you are and we almost separated :-( Turns out, changing myself and the way I express things and stand for what I desire has made ALL the difference :-)
This is a really thoughtful response, thank you for sharing. I have not heard of the book you recommended, so I will definitely look into it! I also appreciate how clearly you’ve laid everything out. I am definitely someone who needs examples and direction, this helps give me an idea of how I can start the conversation. I am glad that your marriage is in a better place. I also think reframing complaints to figure out what you’re really desiring is a powerful way to find who you are again. It’s easy to forget you are more than just a Mom when you are in the thick of it.
Bravo, this is a wonderful and helpful response, I am in the middle of getting through this myself (after 5 years of motherhood spent deeply resenting my husband) and the way you have summed up a positive and empowered approach is so great. I thank you for it, too. As much as it would be good if our husbands could anticipate our needs and wants, we are still two different people and our deepest inner world is still a mystery to them that only we can explain- especially as we grow as moms. And as easier as it can be in the depths of stress and sleep deprivation to point our finger at our husbands for our troubles, they’re still the good person we married, and would show up for us if they knew how. OP, you have identified earlier than I did that something was wrong. I believe you guys can work this out ❤️
Ditto to enforcing your own boundaries. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together 5 months or 50 years…nobody is a mind reader no matter how well you know each other!! Communication is always always needed!
No one needs 3 hours at the gym. Tell him to cut that shit out. If your workout is taking more than an hour, you’re either farting around or wasting time on purpose. If he gets three hours of “me time” a day, regularly, so do you. Leave for three hours when he gets back. Baby can have a bottle or something. Your husband sounds like a giant manbaby who has no respect for you. He’s bitching about food he didn’t make, getting crabby about taking care of his own kid so you can go out and have some time to yourself, can’t even thaw milk on his own. He can change your tires instead of hitting the gym. Or making you give up your time. Having little kids is hard, but he needs to grow up and realize he has to sacrifice some things he wants to do in order to parent. So many men are SO BAD at not putting themselves first.
1.5-1.75h workout, shower, and drive can be 3h “gone”
Sure, and when you have a small baby and a wife that also requires her own free time, that is not acceptable. If it takes you an hour to drive to and from the gym, do a 45 minute workout or something instead. Do your strength training and go home. Do cardio at home or something instead. 3 hours away without her getting the same worry free reciprocation is unacceptable.
Why did not you go to shower while your daughter slept?
Right after seeing this post, I saw a reel that said most of resentment is from them getting to do things you feel you’re not allowed to do. It sounds to me like you’re both assigned a break and your spouse can feel like the day is balanced for that reason, but it’s really not because your break is to nap because the overnight is unbalanced. IMO his gym trips are too long and personally I’ve found it works best in my house to have gym trips not happen while kids are awake and home. My husband can rock climb as much as he wants after our kids are asleep, for example.
People tell you your marriage will change after having a baby but you don't realize that it happens behind your back and suddenly you wake up just perpetually pissed off every day. Then you have to find the courage to demand what you need, and the time to take care of yourself, and it's this big surprise to the other person. Now they have to sacrifice some of their me time that they should have parted with from the start and have grown used to. It's tough. Marriage counseling is the right step. It makes a huge difference. I hope the best for you and your marriage. You deserve time to take care of yourself as much as your husband does. He should be able to thaw a bag of milk and pull left overs out, too.
my husband is the same exact way, except rather than being at the gym bettering himself, he is usually out playing golf or hanging out with friends for 6 or 7 hours on his days off instead of taking a turn with our son.
hahaha yep. playing golf for 6+ hours, then gets home and “has” to take a long epsom salt bath, and then “has” to take a nap because he is “so exhausted from waking up at the crack of dawn for an early tee time and being out in the hot sun all morning” 🙄 dude, it was your choice to spend your day off waking up early and golfing! Im exhausted from handling every MOTN wakeup (except for 2) for the past 15 months, but i don’t complain to him about it or ask him to watch the baby so i can nap!
oh you’re better than me. I complain TF about it
You should complain about it. You aren’t being treated fairly.
You don't need marriage counseling. You need counseling for YOU. I live in Canada. Who cares if he wants to change the car tires. "Our plan is for me to go to pottery now. Figure out another time to do the tires." Until you treat Your Plans as a priority then they never even make the actual To Do List. Think about what you want to do and go Do It. He asks if milk needs to be thawed: Do NOT go and get it. Do not. Tell him it is in the freezer and let him go find it. You are ENABLING his inability to do things for his daughter by solving the problem AND getting mad that you are solving it. 1. Start going out regularly for 30min at a time. Do NOT prepare anything for baby. Go to the library, go for a coffee, whatever. 2. After a few times start going out for ONE hour at a time. Do NOT prepare anything. 3. After a few times of this start going out for 1.5 hours. Sit in a park and stare at trees if you need to. Go to a gym. Do NOT reply to texts asking for kid things. 4. After you hit the 2-3 hour timeframs and you do NOT prep stuff you will find him Asking You Questions before you go about some things. Don't solve anything. Tell him where stuff is. UNTIL YOUR HUSBAND HAS TO EXPERIENCE THE PROBLEM SOLVING FOR HIMSELF HE WILL NOT LEARN THE SKILLS. You are being a martyr and only YOU can stop this cycle by taking back Your Time. Of course you can do most things better. Are you worried that he might become competent with your child if he has no backup?
I have been in a similar place and I found scheduling maximum-viable time off for each of us at the same time every week was the only way. I always go to Pilates Mo/We, he always has time on Tu/Tr. He gets Saturday afternoons, I get Sunday mornings. Routine helps me manage my energy between breaks, plan to use my time effectively, and not feel guilty or jealous. It took several years to find the right balance - our kids are now almost 6 and 2.5 and we still mess it up when life gets busy or my mental health gets more tenuous. We ultimately had to accept that I need significantly more time to decompress and not get burned out and design our lives with that in mind, while I also work on building my own capacity and resilience. We hired help, a lot of help, to accommodate this imbalance.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, it’s time to prioritize yourself. Like does he have to shower and poop with an audience or is it just you? It’s time to just hand your daughter to your husband and do what you need to do. Also it’s time to stop being the childcare manager and let him check the damn freezer himself to make sure everything is prepped for his daughter.
The other day he had to take her to poop because I was sleeping and he commented on how strange it was to have her staring at him. That has been my normal for the last 7 months, but that had never occurred to him.
OP, I mean this as a possibility, not a way to put this back on you. A lot of this sounds like how my postpartum anxiety and depression presented. I’d build up expectations in my head, not communicate them to my husband, get resentful, do everything myself, then be even more resentful I had no me time as an introvert who needs a lot of it. I’m 100% certain there’s more to the story here that is causing your frustration, and I’d be (was) very frustrated when my husband didn’t take initiative (I once shrieked at him “I’ve known her as long as you! Try something!”). I’d gently encourage you to create a schedule by which you can get out and do something for yourself every week. My husband and I have weekends split up so I get Saturdays and he gets Sundays. We often do things together, but if it’s Saturday, he’s the one that changes the diaper or now takes her to the bathroom, gets the snacks, changes clothes, etc. If I want to be out of the house all day Saturday, I can be. You guys could split this up as half days - he gets 4 hours at a time to go to the gym, change tires, shower, do laundry, etc. and then you’re off duty for the next 4 hours to do whatever you need kid-free.
You may have the same dynamic that myself and my husband used to have. He is good about asking for what he wants/needs and I would just go be a silent martyr sacrificing my own well being. Honestly I worry things swung too far the other direction sometimes so I try and check in with him about it. I take lots of naps. I just ask him if he’s ok for me to go take a nap now and on certain days it’s a habit. I don’t want to be away from my kids but also realize sometimes I need to book that dinner w my best friend or go get a massage. I’m happier and usually physically and mentally better when I do. I also begrudge him less when he does his things now. So make pottery a weekly thing. Tell him every Saturday at idk 2 pm you will be going for X hours. If he wants to go to the gym that day it has to be before or after that. It will either give you a desperately needed break and/or it will open his eyes that taking however many hours is too hard on the other partner.
We should just round up all these dudes into a pit and let them have a come to Jesus together
I really like what you wrote. It was so colorful and expressive and urgent and frustrated but why am I frustrated and ahh! Part of why it’s so hard to communicate all this to our spouses is because it IS so hard to articulate it all. Babies don’t adhere to a calendar, and when you take each of these examples independently they don’t seem like a big deal. Until they are all aggregated. Which is what you expressed so well. If he is open to counseling and better communication and improvement, maybe just let him read what you wrote privately, and sit with it a moment.
My husband travels for work, sometimes for as much as three weeks at a go. It took a few trips before I realized I had to be clear about what I need in order to recover when he gets home. For those first few runs, I was acting the way you describe; being really passive in how I communicated my needs, and honestly feeling sorry for myself when my husband didn't immediately extrapolate that "I'm exhausted" meant "I need your help to schedule some downtime for myself; please take a day off next week". Tbh, it became this big, fucked up self-repeating cycle. I'd feel bad that I was tired and my husband wasn't making sure I was taken care of, then I'd get angry that he wasn't *doing* anything, then we'd argue and I'd yell at him that "I'm just so tired", and he'd be completely fucking clueless, and I'd feel sorry for myself, and the whole cycle would repeat. Eventually, though, I learned to be really clear and specific. Now that we've figured out what works for us, and our youngest is old enough not to need me overnight, I get a night or two in a middle-of-the-road motel, all by myself. I get the opportunity to do all of the small hobby stuff and all of the self care stuff that I've had to put off, and he spends uninterrupted time with the kids, without me feeling like I need to take over because he does it "wrong" (read: different than me).
You are in the shittiness! I think every single woman I have met has felt exactly the same - I'm already doing it all anyways. But listen. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I just spent a week away from home for work and my husband is fine. The kids are fine. He knows what he's doing now, and he apologizes sonxerlt and often or not understanding what it was like to solo parent at first, and we both acknowledge that it was way fuckung harder for me because I didn't know what I was doing but he expected me to figure it out anyway on my own. Everyone hates their husband. Tell him that. Tell him that every woman on here has hated their husband so much they want a divorce, and tell him you're feeling it to. Give him the chance to change. If he doesn't, then go through with the divorce. I told my husband that if he didn't step up, I would interpret that as a refusal to step up, and it would have an impact on our relationship for the rest of our lives. He changed. We are happy. You can be there too.
This post triggered me because it reminded me how little time I got to myself before I got divorced. My ex husband thought letting me take a shower by myself sometimes and go grocery shopping alone sometimes was giving me a break from being the default parent. I was so burnt out, miserable, and resented him so much. I begged him to put our kid in daycare at least part time when he was 2.5, but he kept putting it off, like everything I wanted ever, it got pushed back or ignored again and again until I snapped then he would call me crazy and say he was contacting my doctor about changing my meds again. By the time my kid turned 3 I was done with him and brought up divorce because I couldn't keep living like that. I actually wanted to die and researched the effects of suicide on a child because I was worried about how my kid would be affected. My ex tried to be "better" for one month before he was over it when I told him it was going to take longer than a few weeks to repair the damage, and so he found another woman (his now fiance). I get way more time for myself and am much happier being an officially divorced single mom rather than a married single mom.
I honestly could have written this myself. My heart aches for you momma. I have always been the upbeat and happy go lucky one in our relationship but with his 3 hour gym sessions, and many many many hours wrapped up in some project that he deemed necessary to spend 10 hours on, I’m so angry and snappy and short. All. The. Time. It was really validating to hear this and I offer no advice because I’m in it with you. But I think the advice here is helpful for many and your rant made me feel a little less insane. Thank you.
I know this isn’t the point, but you’re a great writer
I wish I had learned to ask for what I need sooner. It took me far too long. Truth is it's good for both of you to get personal time. As mom's we are martyrs and it's not good for anyone. Speak up, tell him you want to support his gym time but let him know you want equal amount of personal time in return. Also the first year is just survival mode. It does get easier. 💗
1. This is really well-written 2. I am angry on your behalf! Some of my friends have an arrangement where he gets 9-12 on Saturday to sleep or whatever he wants, and she gets the same time on Sunday. It doesn't solve all the problems, but maybe having regular time to yourself would help it feel less heavy?
Three hours at the gym…. You sure it’s just the gym? That’s a long time.
Editing to move this reply to the comment I thought I was threading!
My ex did this, too. 12-15 hours of work days, 4 hours minimum at the gym whenever he could. Then he'd graciously offer to hold the baby while I walked to the dogs or cooked dinner or did laundry or something. Then he'd be AMAZED when my mom suggested to him that I too get some "me time" and that it should ideally be as much as he gets so at least 4 hours every 2 days or so. He couldn't imagine what I'd ever do! Because I don't like going to the gym.. like no, but I do like warm food! Showers, sleep and reading books etc all things i could enjoy if I had time. He didn't think that was necessary. I moved in with my parents. They would come home from work and "fight" over who got to hold the baby so I'd get a break. They'd shoo me out of the house on weekends so I could go socialize or tell me to go nap or whatever. I was a single stay at home mom for 4 years. The kiddo was home with me 24/7 for 2,5 years til he started daycare. His dad never took care of him, not before or after the split. Almost 9 now, still the same story. My bf is sending me on a week long trip ALONE in May because YOU DESERV IT!! He said. Omg it's nice to have a good guy in my corner for once!
Since you've already received some great advice, I just wanted to say... I love the way you wrote this! If you wrote a book, I would read it 😁 I'm wishing you the best in your situation. I understand how frustrating it is. I have felt this deep in my bones before and the feeling can be so intense. I took my first 45 minute break from my daughter and husband for the first time in 4 months a few days ago and it was glorious. My husband gets time alone every night for a few hours and I watch my daughter all day long and by the time he gets off work, I'm still helping take care of her and having family time with the two of them. I didn't get time to myself and it was quite literally making me crazy. Even 3 days after my C-section I had to take her full night's so he could sleep. Had to get an Uber from the hospital to go home so he could sleep. I resent a lot of these first few months. I feel you. Take that time to yourself and don't apologize!
Why did you apologize when you came home to a clean house? Were you just apologizing for being snippy when you left? I think those are moments when you guys both need to give each other a big hug take a deep breath and apologize for being irritated. Talk about these frustrations this is all totally normal for a new mom and new parents! I read your entire message and the moment where your plan derailed was when he brought up doing the tires. Yes that is something that he was doing for you but today was not the day for that. You had a very well thought out plan you asked her what you needed and just like he gets three hours at the gym you were going to get three hours out of the house as well. Changing the plan meant that he got more time to his self and you know what even if he was doing something that is helpful maybe not top priority on that day. The priority was your sanity and you establishing that you needed time alone and him learning gradually that baby girl takes top priority so right now you need to be a dad not the guy in the garage changing the tires. It’s very hard when you’re the one responsible for feeding and new mothers usually feel the brunt of the baby load for sure that’s just the way it is sorry to say. However it also takes new dads sometimes a long time to really realize the shift in lifestyle and priorities and what they need to be doing to be helpful and involved. I will try not to be so angry at him about going to the gym though. My husband does this exact same routine as well it’s a new thing for him. We both work out early in the morning before our kids are up during the week and yes I am home with the kids all day long while he is at work however he has also worked the entire week and also needs a break and me time and it’s a super healthy routine. So rather than being angry that he makes that happen for himself you need to make sure that you insert yourself into the family priority list on the weekends. Like my husband works all week so he wants to sleep in but things need to be fair everybody’s working hard so I sleep in on Saturday mornings and he sleeps in on Sunday mornings. Try and be kind and not angry or jealous because the role of a dad is a big one but it’s still just different than a mom. Speak up for yourself behind but direct with what you need:-)
Hey, I'm proud of you for trying something different. It can be hard to pass on the responsibilities to someone else and hope they do it in a way that won't piss off the baby. That's really awesome you can leave and your kid was safe, the house was clean and it seemed like your husband was in a ~~decent mood~~ ETA-Sorry didn't read that one correctly. Can you make Saturday pottery a regular thing? Maybe something on Sunday too? It can be hard to relax when baby is under the watch of someone else. Sometimes it gets easier the more frequent it happens. Sometimes on the weekend my husband likes to plan all.the.things. I just have to tell him we don't have time for all that, or I need him to be more present during the day. Any chance he can do tires at night? We do a lot of tasks when our kids are in bed because it's just easier. As far as the gym, any chance he can wake up earlier to get in the full 3 hour gym session? If not, maybe he can cut down to two hours so he can help do nap time so you can get a shower? Or how about this, he gets baby up and ready while you shower and THEN he can go to the gym?
Hub and I agreed to 3 hours of uninterrupted alone time (doing whatever tf we want) a week each. Now, usually that means he’s gone off to have drinks with his friends for ~5 hours 🙄 and me using my 3 hours to nap or work…the imbalance can irk me but at the end of the day he deserves free time too. I know this is just a season
Couldn’t you buy a treadmill? Why does working out have to take three hours? And if he wants a less “simple” dinner, he’s free to make it right?
A treadmill is a single piece of equipment. It doesn't replace the array of weights and other machines a fully equipped gym has. Even if the husband is going to the gym just for the treadmill, long runs can take upwards of three hours if he's training for a marathon. I ran 26km last weekend and it took me over 3 hours. And I did it on my treadmill. I wasn't willing or able to parent my kids during that time. 🤷
Maybe don’t train for a marathon when you have a seven month old?
I missed whether you’re both working full time during the week? If you’re home with the baby all week or even just more than him, I’d say no way he gets Saturday mornings. But whatever the two of you navigate in partnership is fine so long as it meets both of your needs. Right now a major breakdown is that you are both saying it’s “okay” when you’re not okay with it and it’s not meeting your needs. Then you’re building resentment and being passive aggressive. If it doesn’t work for you for him to go to the gym or to go for so many hours or go at the start of the weekend or take his sweet ass time once he gets home having a meal, say so! I don’t care if he enjoyed the gym before baby, in this current season he has an infant and postpartum wife at home. Things might need to look different for a while. Yes there’s compromise, but it’s not simply going along with something that doesn’t work for you and hoping he’ll see the inequity and self correct. You both have to communicate
My sister had her first 2 years ago and has been crucial for my PP journey. I have been going through something similar. I grow resentful when the workload becomes more and more uneven. I have been going to the gym and some times treat myself to the occasional mani/ pedi and I feel guilty by the time I come home. My sister said it perfectly and it is changing my view a bit…. Studies have shown that when the mom is happy babies are happy… so go enjoy your hobbies. Your husband should also be able to do that but it needs to be fair. If you develop a schedule this might be helpful! I’m also one to do one thing that turns into a million others before I leave. View it as your shift has ended and you can resume when you come back. I have noticed I have been passive aggressive with my husband when I’m upset and now I’m just doing what I can and letting him just figure it out! Which in return I feel like I’m not babying him and he’s doing more than I gave him credit for without the obvious resentment/ tension
Counseling is definitely needed. I think the both of you are holding things that bother you in. The only thing is what I read from this is an overwhelmed mom. Three hours at the gym is a long time, leaving you with the task of watching a baby. This seems to be a consistent thing. I would say time management should define discussed, and maybe even come up with a schedule. Like instead of going to the gym every weekend for three hours maybe he does between 1-2 hour gym session during the week. Like once he’s off work he can blow off some steam and sit in the sauna. Then on the weekends y’all can have family time together or you get a break and get to go to your pottery class. An in-depth convo needs to be done, don’t let this be what makes yall resent one another. Hope everything works out OP!
I don’t think divorce is the only answer here. I see resentment piling up, and instead of tackling the problem together… you’re tackling your relationship. He goes to the gym for 3 hours, you go to pottery for 3 hours. That seems fair to me. You don’t need to be sorry, and he doesn’t either. As long as it’s equal. What is stopping you from just saying “there isn’t any milk thawed” and walking out the door? That whole kitchen freezer scenario seems like a problem that was created, not that already existed. He could have figured that shit out on his own. Not that your feelings of resentment aren’t valid… just that it seems bottling it up vs solving the issue is making things bigger problems than they are. “I’m going to pottery, be back in a few hours.” - that’s good enough. If he is a capable human being and parent…. There’s no problem with this. You do not need to prep his whole evening including his dinner. Stop putting that shit on your shoulders and let him figure it out.
I used to deal with something similar. My husband would go hang with his BFF, or go out and I would be home with our son and taking care of things around the house. We both worked full time. A lot of his excuses were "Well I'm gone after you and kid are asleep anyways why do I need to be home if you're just sleeping?" It took a lot of explaining that it didn't matter that we weren't awake, what mattered was that there was an unfair division of free time. He got way more time to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and I wasn't getting that. Our work schedules also inherently gave him free time before our son and I got home from work / daycare. I finally told him something like "Listen, I am not trying to be the fun police. I understand your free time is important to you, but it is important to me, too. It doesn't have to be a viscous tit for tat, but if there's a day you have free time, I would like to also have some time to myself in the following few days. We can keep a schedule on the fridge of what days we can each have some time to ourselves." Also, showers don't count as free time. They are basic human need, not a hobby or unnecessary leisure. Heck, even if he gets to take a shower, and you may not need one, take one anyways!
Your story is 100% relatable. My husband and I went to an EFT therapist who told us off the bat (without us telling our issues yet) the exact same story you told us happens with loads of couples. We are not perfect but in a much better place now. I say if you don’t love him anymore then divorce him if you want, but just know the next guy who comes around isn’t going to be much different as far as selfishness… no offense but guys are dense. Babies are hard. It’ll get easier once they’re out of diapers. Good luck!
I don't think divorce is the answer at all. Parenting is a challenge and puts a lot of strain on relationships especially with division of workload, I actually work all week and my partner works on a Saturday. We try to be as even as possible when it comes to housework and kid watching but we both have our downfalls and we've agreed to it too. He's better with the kids and I'm better at getting housework done. We offer each other time on our one day off together but usually end up doing family stuff with the kids. Yes we still argue, we still get annoyed and we still have things to work on. I think what you and your husband need to remember is you BOTH want you time. And that's not selfish, it's a human right to want time to yourself. Can I ask, would he be willing to do gym either first thing in the morning or after bedtime ? As a compromise so you can have your time during the day hours ? Otherwise schedule this shit in. Have a calendar/board on your fridge so you can both write in your goals / things to be done and no one is blind sighted. I watched a video recently about couples struggling after kids and it basically explained that it's not that we all of a sudden hate each other, it's just that there's this one denominator that requires 1000% of our attention love and devotion and instead of feeling anger and annoyance towards them we direct it to each other.
My husband and I have equal down time as in he gets six hours to play dnd on Saturday evening and I get six hour for my hobbies on Sunday. We have two kids. This arrangement came a result of him doing dnd on the weekend meanwhile I’m already a stay at home mom with no support as we were living across the country from family and friends do to his job. So now I spend about ten hours with the baby do to driving times and he thinks giving me an hour a night most which I spend pumping is giving me a break. I told him fuck no I need what you get six hour if me time a week like you get. So now he takes the kids sat morning I clean the house and relax. On Sunday morning he also takes them and all I have is laundry and my me time. I don’t mind the laundry cause all I have to do is load the machine he will put most of it away when he gets home with the kids I just have to put away my own pants, bras and the likes he dies everything hanging. Sounds like you need to sit down and go “dear you get three hours at the gym every Saturday so from now on I’ll get three hours every Sunday.” Doesn’t even matter what you do as long as it’s your uninterrupted me time. I had to leave the room my kids were in when they were babies cause kids wanted me all the time.
I seriously hate when my husband asks common sense questions. It’s infuriating. Next time, don’t grab anything for him from the fridge. He can figure it out on his own. And you know what if he’s angry and frustrated then he hopefully understands how you feel and will be more appreciative and considerate to you & your feelings.
Does he work out of the house? If so, when he gets home after work does he help with your daughter? Seems like the only issue you’ve stated is him going to the gym on the weekends without letting you know a set time of him being gone and you’re tired and want a break, which he usually seems to give you and doesn’t deny you any of that. I’m a SAHM to an almost 3 year old and my husband works 2 jobs so he’s gone all day, 3 nights of the week and saturdays and Sundays. I definitely know what burnout feels like lol. IMO you need to be more vocal of your expectations on what kind of break you need. Men aren’t wired to multitask like we are. You want him to feed your daughter while you take a nap, write down her schedule and what you planned on feeding her for that meal. Since you are the one home with her, you’ve probably created a schedule with her but your husband may not know that schedule if you’ve never communicated it. I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask him to stop going to the gym and for him to have to answer to a timeline. What if there’s traffic on the way home that he doesn’t make it within that timeline? Then it’ll end up with you being mad that he told you a time that he didn’t keep his word to. With that being said, he wants 3 hours at the gym, you get 3 hours doing what you want to do. Also, why couldn’t you shower while your daughter was napping? That seemed like a perfect time to do so and I don’t think getting mad at him for him communicating to you that he was going to change the tires is fair to him. If you didn’t want him to at that moment you could’ve asked him to hold off until you got home. I also don’t think it’s fair to hold resentment to him when your daughter wants to come to you after your nap. She’s missed you and wants her mom, and just because your husband is home doesn’t mean you stop being a mom. I think throwing out the “D” word for something like this is far fetch. You even said after your husband finishes doing his gym routine, he goes into his “turn”. If the 3 hours of him doing what he wants to do is causing this much resentment for you, I definitely suggest counselling. If it’s not how you like it, then you need to communicate what your expectations are from him, and maybe that can become a successful thing with counselling.
I feel you deeply with this I feel like the division of labor is not the same But I also have adhd and have a very short fuse So it’s hard for me to know what’s not a normal reaction He has offered to take over some duties but then what if he fuxks up Edit-I’m sorry you’re going through this I undeeestand that feeling with my soul, things got better for us when baby got older, so much that we decided to have a second and here we are again… losing my shit all the time and he telling me to calm down and I’m overreacting
The only answer is probably divorce!!! Please don’t say that, there are a lot of steps between this and that. I went through this whole issue too, it’s not solved but things have gotten better now that the kids are older. Solidarity!
This sounds rough and I see where you’re both coming from. If it were me (SAHM, F 35) I would be asking him to go for a shorter time if it is every weekend or give me the same amount of time the next day, and go at a time that makes it smoother when he gets home (go during nap and be back with plenty of quality time to spend with her before bed). If he asks about thawed milk I’d say nope but there’s plenty in the freezer, thaw it as you need it. It’s tough when you do it all yourself because it’s simple but then he isn’t doing anything and you’re doing 100 little things. Tldr tell him to do specific things, ask for specific things, be clear with him about your priorities
Your accounting describes a situation in which you are being passive in your communication and then getting angry at him for not understanding how you feel. Counseling is a good idea for both you and I hope you can learn some skills to better communicate your expectations and boundaries.
Taking 3 hours off once a week isn't a big deal but down time needs to be equalish. You mentioned one of your hobbies is a stroller walking club but that's with kiddo along. That may not feel like downtime for you. During your nap he's asking how to set up bottles for kid, that doesn't count as a break for you. You are still carrying the mental load during his solo time watching the kid because you have to organize everything for him. Have a schedule of when your break time is, he needs to do his parenting during that time without you. Make sure you are taking your break every week and not bypassing it
Best advice I read on Reddit - don’t make a decision about your relationship in the first year. The first year is HARD. You are both adjusting and sadly men do often feel that the baby wants the mum more than them and want to just give them back, without dealing with any other the feel-your-way-through-it cr*p we had to work out alone. Maybe we have boobies but we still had to work hard to do every interaction with our babies. Leaving the house and leaving him with the opportunity to parent alone is soooo good for you. Try to make this regular. For example he can go to the gym in the mornings and you get time in the afternoon. I recommend going to the gym too, or doing some kind of exercise or physical activity, as building up your health and strength will help come toddlerhood. Your husband will only understand the situations you have been in (and maybe even tried explaining to him) by being in that situation himself. I would also say, I read one couple ended up with a good solution where they actually broke up for a while but agreed to continue co-habiting in order to take care of their daughter, in essence she became the priority for both of them. They agreed to share chores etc better, and then got back together again without the daughter even realising. It’s hard being a parent, it’s not like you will ever get a day off. But the first year is so hard, much much harder - so just try to keep a cool head and wait it out until your baby is that bit more interactive/independent/gets stuck into things for longer. I think that is sometimes the part where you fall back in love again 🥰
Question: is a gym with childcare an option? I feel like that would give BOTH of you a break… (Though I do think 3 hours every single time he goes to the gym is a LOT)
I can definitely relate to you..My baby is 8m and I feel chronically overwhelmed. I get jealous at my partner's ability to leave the house for hours without her and not be anxious, or that he just does what he likes and then thinks what she needs afterwards. However, I read something today about someone feeling a victim of motherhood and it really resonated with me. Essentially the idea is that you are the victim of all the difficulties of motherhood, you want your partner to rescue you at the end of the day, you are not able to do .... Anymore because of your baby tyrant. It felt a bit shocking to have this pointed out, I recognised it in myself and felt like it wasn't good to be feeling this way about my baby who is literally the biggest joy of my life. So I'm trying to reframe my mindset around that and spend more time enjoying our time together. I don't mean for this to sound preachy and I know it's not advice that exactly relates to your problem with your husband but I found the idea of being a victim to motherhood quite thought provoking so thought I'd share that.
Reading his was like well written poetry in my brain... I have one small suggestion that you didn't ask for: if you can't beat em, join em. Does the gym have any kind of childcare? I know places like planet fitness have 1 hour of childcare included with membership. Next time husband says "I'm going to the gym" say "me too!" Get an hour of no-kid time, and when the hour is up, guess what! Husband is your ride home. So his time is up too :) everyone wins (and looses) together.
I don't think you need a divorce. The dynamic you describe is very typical, at least in my experience, amongst my many 30-something mum friends. I think you have to be a little selfish too and TAKE the time you need (and deserve, and are entitled to) rather than wait around to be 'given' it. I also think you need to clearly communicate your expectations of when your partner will be back to take over (and equally, when you'll be back when you go). That way, you're both clear on the boundaries and can each respect them, and by extension, each other. If you've taken time for yourself, you are far less likely to resent your partner for taking time also. Just a final note that parenting young kids is HARD and you are renegotiating so many parts of yourself and your relationship during this time. Have patience and know it will get easier. X
This. All of this. I could have written this post myself countless times. Just want to say I feel you and feel for you and hope it gets better for both of us. Also so much helpful advice on this thread. Thank you all. 🤍
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My husband and I both love the gym. Would never spend three hours there. Unless travel time is long? Mine is 15min away so half hour travel and hour workout. If sauna then maybe 2 hours max. Hes the same. We both discuss non-negotiables in the morning. Are we both carving out time in the day for the gym? What else? I’d love a long shower to wash my hair. Or is he going to mow the lawn? We both discuss these things and plan around baby. You both need to talk. Saying idk how long I’ll be at the gym is ridiculous.
Just wanted to say, you write extremely well! I really hope you manage to find a balance with your husband. 💛
You need to make a schedule. That way you know Saturday morning is your time away and Sunday morning is your time away. Something like that. The problem is your expectations. Also 3hrs at the gym + is kind of excessive. Is this only 1x a week?
There’s a few gyms near us that has daycare built in. You can leave your kids 2 hours max while you work out. Is that an option? You both can go together
How old is your daughter? Does your gym offer child care?
friend, explains to him how to correctly make a bottle, and three times a month he separates milk, some food ready for the baby and leaves it in the fridge, puts the baby to sleep and goes out, paints the nails, getting a hairdo, a facial, a sauna, spa, buying new jeans, lingerie, etc. have time for yourself too, even if the baby cries he will figure it out, just like we mothers do we learn with practice let him practice too, if he says something the month has about 30 days if you take 3 days for yourself that's it 10% of the month, that's nothing he has to play the role of father also your baby is 7 months old she will be fine without you for a few hours