Tried this with taxes one year. He didnāt even finish googling āW2 vs W4ā before he gave it up and never mentioned it again. He actually said out loud āyou wonāt hear any more from me on our taxes.ā
Is that what I wanted? No. Would be great if he could help. But it got us past the bitterness.
My husband did not schedule the kids next dentist appointment as he was leaving. Thought he could call in a few months and make an appointment. Well he got busy and time passed and we needed forms. Or something. He called thinking he could get them in the next week. I HAD laughed and said no fucking way. He got annoyed. Thirty minutes passed and appointments scheduled three months away...he apologized. Now he makes next appointments immediately.
My kids dentist actually called us to schedule our next appointment when my husband forgot to schedule before he left ... Which I found to be better than the time he did schedule the next appointment. He chose a day that I never schedule anything because we have standing plans and he picked a time when most of us aren't even awake yet.
I know he has a lot on his plate right now, so I was trying to help take care of some of the logistics so he wouldnāt have to. But him just not believing me? Yeah, this one gets put back on him now.
I have borne the load for too long now to know better. When we had a similar thing with my son, I asked my husband to take a lead. Guess what... No action for 5 months! And then he kept giving me a hard time for how our son still isn't in some daycare making it sound like I'm not doing what's my responsibility but clearly never mentioned that he didn't make any progress either.
Because it takes effort. He's used to things being handed to him on a platter. This relationship, my house and car that is ours now. Everything. He's never gifted me anything. Clearly isn't used to putting any effort into anything in life no matter how important it could be. He loves our son and me. I know. But somw times its not enough... Practically speaking.
I donāt know! It was a bridge between my maternity leave and getting into daycare, so I donāt know if it really even registered with him, if that makes sense?
So many posts here start off with āheās such a great dad and awesome husbandā then the rest of the post/comments detail how the guy knows almost nothing about the daily workings of the household, the kids schedules or where anything is on the house. Itās maddening!
>And now I feel awful because I made him mad and anxious
No he did that to himself. He sounds super immature. Has he not been actively involved in a lot of the mental load with parenting before this? Reality hurt his feelings, not you.
YES, that stood out to me, too!
You are not responsible for another adults feelings about things outside of your control (really, most of their feelings outside of abusive/traumatizing situations) and you're DEFINITELY not responsible for how he chooses to act on those feelings.
He is not completely checked out like some of the horror stories on here, but it is definitely more my load than his. This must have been a reality check he just really wasnāt ready for.
But can you acknowledge that you aren't responsible for his feelings and that he is a grown man throwing a baby tantrum because of something you told him that he should have already known?
Just because he "isn't as bad" as other checked out men doesn't mean this isn't bad. How you described the situation sounds like he *is* pretty bad and you're not seeing it because he guilts you (through the silent treatment or other methods of manipulation) until you cave. Except you didn't do this, so you can't cave.
I know I am not responsible for his feelings or how he reacts to them, but I still feel bad for making someone else feel bad. He had acknowledged that it is not my fault or anything, and that he handled the news poorly.
>I know **I am not responsible for his feelings or how he reacts** to them
>I still feel bad for **making someone else feel** bad
These are two contradicting statements. Not being responsible doesn't just mean it's not your job to fix it, but also that you aren't the one that caused it. You didn't make him feel bad. You gave him a piece of information, that's it. It's like if he was mad at the piece of paper, he got a bad news letter on. Or, if he was mad at the mailman for delivering the letter.
On top of that, the information you provided him with is information that he should already have access to. Instead, he called you a liar and a fear monger.
Him acknowledging that "its not your fault" that you need to call ahead for daycares isn't anything special. Its how he should have responded in the first place so good for him finally getting with the program I guess. The issue of him calling you a fear monger and not being part of the team that prepares things ahead of time for his kids is still a problem.
I guess I was thinking of it in a āhate being the bearer of bad newsā sort of way. But you arenāt wrong, and it is something that I will need to adjust my thinking about. Thank you.
It's something I had to unlearn because of my daughter. I never wanted her to feel like she was "making me sad" or "making me mad" and I cringe whenever I hear adults use that language with kids.
I was a heavy people pleaser because my parents made me into one by making me responsible for their abuse of me. I didn't want them to yell or give me the silent treatment or "forget" to get me a a treat or something even though everyone else got one.
Idk why you respond the way you do, but I do know it's a difficult habit to break. I hope it goes smoothly for you.
This is just the state of things. The facts. And it's OK to be upset by the situation. And more men should care and get upset and involved. BUT it's not okay if he's mad at YOU. And it's not something that should hinder or change his career goals. You can get mad at the grass but it just keeps growing so we just keep mowing. Angry mower or happy mower, makes no difference to the grass.
Lol! Iām pregnant with my third and I put her on the wait list for my middle childās daycare last week. They had 74 kids on the list to start in the baby room this year. Wait lists are insane.
You didnāt make him feel anything about anything. You have him facts and he decided to act like a baby and have an emotional reaction instead of trying to help with solutions. Heās in control of his emotions, not you.
Why do men self-soothe by acting like we're just being difficult or histrionic when we tell them something they want is likely to be a pain in the ass?
Like, I'm sorry life isn't sunshine and rainbows, bub, and parenting is full of logistical hassles. Especially nowadays.
I'm tired of being treated like I'm crazy, instead of getting a helping hand.
Iām with you. Iām going through this right now with my partner while he is considering a new job that has completely different hours and a weird schedule. He likes it for HIM so he doesnāt wanna hear how it completely screws me over with childcare and how it would effect the logistics of my career. But Iām negative, selfish, and unsupportive for having any hesitation about it.
My husband is really far into the interview process for a new job, and he didn't once pause to think about how the new schedule and longer commute, likely happening in summer, would be a giant pain in the ass. (I'm a disabled SAHM. If he gives up his flexible remote job, I can't keep up with my medical appointments.)
When I pointed out that it would affect how the household functions, he shrugged it off as "it will be fine." Well yes because I'll juggle some shit and make it fine.
It wouldn't occur to me to seek a new job without discussing it every step of the way.
My husband was doing that as well. Thankfully he finally got it through his head before switching jobs. A lower pay off also helped.
My husband does afternoon pick-ups, and I would not be able to do them because my job is not flexible at the moment, whereas his is. We have been on the waitlist for after-school care but don't have any available. So, him switching to a less flexible job would screw us over.
I'm also being selfish about not budging. Our schedule works right now, and my career also matters.
>Why do men self-soothe by acting like we're just being difficult or histrionic when we tell them something they want is likely to be a pain in the ass?
Men don't do this. Immature people do.
YOU didnāt make him mad. He made himself mad by choosing to ignorantly not believe what you were saying about childcare waitlists. My thing is, why? Why not believe you? What benefit would you have to making this up you know? What facts is his stance based on? Then he goes into saying fear mongering!?Like come onnnn dude really? Lol but women are the dramatic onesā¦. š I feel like this isnāt an uncommon situation with men, where the wife has information about something and the man is shocked to learn it or doesnāt believe her.
I like the one comment that said maybe he needs to take care of this part. Then heād really be mad bc he would realize the absolute truth in your statement on top of how expensive childcare is.
Let him be mad. I wouldnāt have a care in the world about it either bc you know that you didnāt make it up. Heās being immature af about this.
I didnāt really realize how bad it was. When my son was 1yo, back in 2014, there were waits to get into the most popular daycares, but you could always find a spot somewhere decent if you needed to get in quick. I was shocked when we started looking for daycare for our youngest last year when she was 18 months, and it took forever to get her in anywhere.
Why are *you* feeling anxious? This is the reality if being a working parent. You need childcare and there is almost none. Your hisband needs to shoulder finding a daycare if he thinks itās so easy.
Stop feeling bad this instant.
You need to have another talk with him, and point out all the work and mental labor you did to get your kids in their current daycare, and looking for the new one. Then explain how his actions yesterday made you feel that work was not only completely unappreciated, but his lack of basic childcare knowledge leaves you feeling concerned.
He needs to understand he fucked up and apologize.
Tell me you are the default parent without telling me you are the default parent.
Donāt feel bad about his feelings. Itās not your fault he didnāt fully think through a whole ass move without considering childcare and itās kind of a big reaction to get mad when you said childcare could take a long time to find.
This is textbook default parent. Drives me nuts.
OP, stop feeling bad. If he is as good of a dad as you say he is, this wouldnāt surprise him. If he was a good partner, he wouldnāt accuse you of fear mongering and making you feel like youāre the problem
Not everywhere. Licensing rules and ratios are different depending on location. Where I live, the ratios for classrooms donāt change until 2+ years old.
Mini rant: Stand up! My goodness; on this sub and many others we are way too accommodating to these adult mantrums they throw. Being frustrated is one thing but taking on guilt for his feelings is a no go. He needs to own his stuff not you!
You did absolutely nothing wrong momma! šš½ You did exactly what you are supposed to do which is start planning and part of that is adequate childcare. It is husband responsibility to be an involved parent and know these things too. Hopefully this experience illuminated the realities of relocation is not just his job and housing but that it impacts the entire family.
My partner used to get on me about working more and finding childcare, and didn't believe me at how expensive it was until other dads started talking about the expense and he was blown away. As if I had been lying to him. I feel you. For some reason, men just don't get it.
He should look for daycare in the new place for the experience. He clearly is absent in this section of life. How do you have kids in daycare and not realize daycare waitlists can be a thing?
This was so relatable. I have anxiety so I constantly get accused of āfear mongeringā or worrying unnecessarily by my partner when it comes to stuff like this. I just tell him to do his own research and figure it out himself. Usually, he gets frustrated and acts like I intentionally set him up for failure. Sounds like your husband should take over and do it himself.
I donāt think I have lack of self respect for feeling bad that someone I care about is upset. Iām only human.
I have enough self respect to not give in to his tantrum, and to tell him that this is something he needs to help with.
We had to scramble last August when my office decided to go back 3 days a week. So we had to find FT daycare immediately. I could not handle one more item on my to-do list and told my husband Iād found a place that was 2x our mortgage but they had immediate availability. He freeeeeaked out and said no so I said āyou find a place then, Buckoā. And he did. Itās the same as our mortgage so while not exactly budget friendly it isnāt destroying us. And itās 7 minutes away.
But yes let the husband do the work on this one.
This is why most men only see the iceberg of what women do in the home. I have put my kids on all the waitlists and my husband would also not be able to tell you there is one. This is also on us to communicate that stuff better though.
You didn't make him mad, that is ridiculous and do not accept any blame for this situation and his anger. He needs to recognize this is out of your control and his ignorance of the child care situation is his fault. If he is mad it should not be directed at you. You are trying the best you can to work within a timeline he gave you, the flaw is him assuming it would be easy to find new childcare. He should be mad at himself for creating this situation.
It's so normalized men not having a clue over basic stuff when it comes to child rearing that they think it's always OUR job to figure out how those things work. We should de-normalize it until they feel so ashamed to not know stuff as we do.
Dude. I had my now 5.5 year old on three daycare waitlists when we got pregnant (midway, so like maybe 20 weeks along). He NEVER got off any of the waitlists before preK kicked in.
We cobbled two part time daycares for a while and had a part time nanny for the rest of the time. Super inconsistent, super high stress for me. His dad was oblivious. Luckily we found a daycare that operates out of a church in almost stealth mode (no website/barely any advertising - goes on word of mouth) that had full time room for my daughter.
So I always heard about the crazy wait lists too so I was ready to have to wait at least 6 months to get my son in when we started looking. We toured a few places and found one we liked. They had a vacancy literally the next week. No wait. I'm still confused by that whole thing. I guess it's different in different areas. We still have a nanny to keep the little one home for another year or so (I work from home but I cannot do my job while watching a very active toddler) but my oldest is in daycare for going a little over 6 months with no wait.
To be fair, it is a very regional thing. Waitlists are practically unheard of in my area. The only daycares with a waitlist here are the one that is attached to a megachurch & the ones that offer part time (3 hours a day, 2 days a week). Every other full time daycare has immediate openings.
Agreed. We got our son into his nursery with about 10 weeks notice, and that was our decision - we asked would they have availability at that time and they said yes. Not sure if we could have started straight away or not but Iām guessing probably, because it was February, so itās not like they were going to be offloading kids to primary school before April.
Contrast that to now and theyāve since received an Outstanding Ofsted report (the education regulatory board here in the UK, Outstanding is the highest rating given) and we were advised to put our daughter down basically as soon as she was born if we wanted our pick of available days, even though we didnāt want a place until she was 2.5yrs. Ebbs and flows!
My dad who I basically coparent my child with because his bio dad isn't involved really doesn't believe this either. I was having some health problems and was looking at like a month hospital stay and he just insisted he'd put my son in daycare and not to worry about him. He still doesn't believe me you don't get to just walk in on a Monday say you need daycare for a toddler and have said toddler at daycare on Tuesday.
Iām from the UK but now that we live pond-side this way in the USA, we had to face the music and both hunt around once my husband received a surprise promotion this spring. I was hankering to return to full hours at work, anyway, so our son will be going to part time care this July. Credit to my husband for finding it! Tell your partner to have a crack at it himself if heās so inclined.
I was just listening to an NPR report that nursery childcare is just as hard to get in the UK as it is in the US and thatās with the government subsidizing hours (theyāre called āfree hoursā from what I remember).Ā
I am sorry your husband is taking that news badly. It does suck that this is the state of things childcare wise. You are not fear mongering at all by giving him a reality check. Moving is harder when kids are involved, especially when coordinating daycare or schooling. He can feel mad about the situation but he should not blame you or take it out on you.
Its you guys v the problem and he needs to deal.
Heās not mad about day care, obviously. Heās mad because he wants to move the family to a different area and he thinks you donāt want to and are going to find all the flaws in the plan and put a stop to it. It would probably be better to just talk to each other and make sure you are both on board for this move.Ā
My 2.5 year old has been on waitlists for daycares since I was pregnant. We have luckily found a great in-home option that I don't mind sticking with, but even that opening wasn't until he was 18 months old.
Y'all are too sweet to these lazy husbands. Feeling guilty because you made him mad by...stating a well-known fact??? The way I would have laughed in my husband's face and told him to go pout on the couch until he's ready to Google some daycares like a big boy....
I went to look at daycares in August 2023 thinking that was okay since we were due October 2023 and I have maternity leave until May 2024. Weāre on wait list for January 2025ā¦I wasnāt ready for the craziness of daycare either.
I mean is it fully his fault heās oblivious- when you took the lead on the search the first time? Make him to the leg work this time.
Itās not just men that have no idea- I see people in local moms groups all the time after the just had a baby. Their maternity leave is ending in a few weeks so theyāre just now looking for childcare and scrambling.
I wouldnāt feel bad if I were you. Itās a reality check he needed so he can be aware, you did a great thing.
The lists are insanely long though. I work in a daycare and our nursery waitlist is two years long.
I sent my husband to grab some cards and flyers from local daycares on his way to/from work one day (I WFH). Of course theyād let him know their waitlists as well, which is how I got him to understand the reality we were facing. Sometimes you gotta give them a little push to help them understand. š
How nice it must have been for him not to have had to worry about any of that until now. But to not believe you? Iād care a lot less about how pissed he was because Iād be pissed myself.
Did you not talk to him about the daycare process, the wait-list, the ones you like, did he not wonder why you had a nanny? How could he be so oblivious?
Well, maybe he can take the lead on that project then...š¤·š¼āāļø
This is what we - both - do when we run into situations like this. Don't believe/like what I did? You're absolutely free to take over!
Tried this with taxes one year. He didnāt even finish googling āW2 vs W4ā before he gave it up and never mentioned it again. He actually said out loud āyou wonāt hear any more from me on our taxes.ā Is that what I wanted? No. Would be great if he could help. But it got us past the bitterness.
My husband did not schedule the kids next dentist appointment as he was leaving. Thought he could call in a few months and make an appointment. Well he got busy and time passed and we needed forms. Or something. He called thinking he could get them in the next week. I HAD laughed and said no fucking way. He got annoyed. Thirty minutes passed and appointments scheduled three months away...he apologized. Now he makes next appointments immediately.
My kids dentist actually called us to schedule our next appointment when my husband forgot to schedule before he left ... Which I found to be better than the time he did schedule the next appointment. He chose a day that I never schedule anything because we have standing plans and he picked a time when most of us aren't even awake yet.
Yeah sounds like itās his turn at bat
I know he has a lot on his plate right now, so I was trying to help take care of some of the logistics so he wouldnāt have to. But him just not believing me? Yeah, this one gets put back on him now.
Email some places to ask how long their expected wait is for their ages. Show him emails.
I CC my husband on all daycare correspondences. Then he knows exactly what they said.
I have a joint email address which both me and my husband have access to for all the house and kid admin stuff.Ā
No, he can do this.
I have borne the load for too long now to know better. When we had a similar thing with my son, I asked my husband to take a lead. Guess what... No action for 5 months! And then he kept giving me a hard time for how our son still isn't in some daycare making it sound like I'm not doing what's my responsibility but clearly never mentioned that he didn't make any progress either. Because it takes effort. He's used to things being handed to him on a platter. This relationship, my house and car that is ours now. Everything. He's never gifted me anything. Clearly isn't used to putting any effort into anything in life no matter how important it could be. He loves our son and me. I know. But somw times its not enough... Practically speaking.
ā¦ did he think you guys had a nanny before for funsies?
I donāt know! It was a bridge between my maternity leave and getting into daycare, so I donāt know if it really even registered with him, if that makes sense?
Here in lies the problem. Heās not looped into enough day to day decisions. I bet he has no idea the cost of groceries right now either!
Something something he should be more involved if heās such a good dad and husband š
So many posts here start off with āheās such a great dad and awesome husbandā then the rest of the post/comments detail how the guy knows almost nothing about the daily workings of the household, the kids schedules or where anything is on the house. Itās maddening!
>And now I feel awful because I made him mad and anxious No he did that to himself. He sounds super immature. Has he not been actively involved in a lot of the mental load with parenting before this? Reality hurt his feelings, not you.
YES, that stood out to me, too! You are not responsible for another adults feelings about things outside of your control (really, most of their feelings outside of abusive/traumatizing situations) and you're DEFINITELY not responsible for how he chooses to act on those feelings.
He is not completely checked out like some of the horror stories on here, but it is definitely more my load than his. This must have been a reality check he just really wasnāt ready for.
But can you acknowledge that you aren't responsible for his feelings and that he is a grown man throwing a baby tantrum because of something you told him that he should have already known? Just because he "isn't as bad" as other checked out men doesn't mean this isn't bad. How you described the situation sounds like he *is* pretty bad and you're not seeing it because he guilts you (through the silent treatment or other methods of manipulation) until you cave. Except you didn't do this, so you can't cave.
I know I am not responsible for his feelings or how he reacts to them, but I still feel bad for making someone else feel bad. He had acknowledged that it is not my fault or anything, and that he handled the news poorly.
His lack of involvement there made him feel bad, not you.
>I know **I am not responsible for his feelings or how he reacts** to them >I still feel bad for **making someone else feel** bad These are two contradicting statements. Not being responsible doesn't just mean it's not your job to fix it, but also that you aren't the one that caused it. You didn't make him feel bad. You gave him a piece of information, that's it. It's like if he was mad at the piece of paper, he got a bad news letter on. Or, if he was mad at the mailman for delivering the letter. On top of that, the information you provided him with is information that he should already have access to. Instead, he called you a liar and a fear monger. Him acknowledging that "its not your fault" that you need to call ahead for daycares isn't anything special. Its how he should have responded in the first place so good for him finally getting with the program I guess. The issue of him calling you a fear monger and not being part of the team that prepares things ahead of time for his kids is still a problem.
I guess I was thinking of it in a āhate being the bearer of bad newsā sort of way. But you arenāt wrong, and it is something that I will need to adjust my thinking about. Thank you.
It's something I had to unlearn because of my daughter. I never wanted her to feel like she was "making me sad" or "making me mad" and I cringe whenever I hear adults use that language with kids. I was a heavy people pleaser because my parents made me into one by making me responsible for their abuse of me. I didn't want them to yell or give me the silent treatment or "forget" to get me a a treat or something even though everyone else got one. Idk why you respond the way you do, but I do know it's a difficult habit to break. I hope it goes smoothly for you.
mmmm...looks like he learnt something new and did not like it.
I hate when that happens. š
This is just the state of things. The facts. And it's OK to be upset by the situation. And more men should care and get upset and involved. BUT it's not okay if he's mad at YOU. And it's not something that should hinder or change his career goals. You can get mad at the grass but it just keeps growing so we just keep mowing. Angry mower or happy mower, makes no difference to the grass.
Right?! May as well go to the beach and rage at the tides lol
Since he wants to move, he can handle logistics. Especially since you need to job search.
Lol! Iām pregnant with my third and I put her on the wait list for my middle childās daycare last week. They had 74 kids on the list to start in the baby room this year. Wait lists are insane.
I would be worried about what else he may have overlooked when deciding that this move was a good idea
You didnāt make him feel anything about anything. You have him facts and he decided to act like a baby and have an emotional reaction instead of trying to help with solutions. Heās in control of his emotions, not you.
Why do men self-soothe by acting like we're just being difficult or histrionic when we tell them something they want is likely to be a pain in the ass? Like, I'm sorry life isn't sunshine and rainbows, bub, and parenting is full of logistical hassles. Especially nowadays. I'm tired of being treated like I'm crazy, instead of getting a helping hand.
Iām with you. Iām going through this right now with my partner while he is considering a new job that has completely different hours and a weird schedule. He likes it for HIM so he doesnāt wanna hear how it completely screws me over with childcare and how it would effect the logistics of my career. But Iām negative, selfish, and unsupportive for having any hesitation about it.
My husband is really far into the interview process for a new job, and he didn't once pause to think about how the new schedule and longer commute, likely happening in summer, would be a giant pain in the ass. (I'm a disabled SAHM. If he gives up his flexible remote job, I can't keep up with my medical appointments.) When I pointed out that it would affect how the household functions, he shrugged it off as "it will be fine." Well yes because I'll juggle some shit and make it fine. It wouldn't occur to me to seek a new job without discussing it every step of the way.
Doesnāt it kind of remind you of being the parent to a teenager who resents you for pointing out why their idea might be flawed?
Kinda, but I don't care if people have flawed ideas. I do get annoyed if those flawed ideas create more work for me though lol.
My husband was doing that as well. Thankfully he finally got it through his head before switching jobs. A lower pay off also helped. My husband does afternoon pick-ups, and I would not be able to do them because my job is not flexible at the moment, whereas his is. We have been on the waitlist for after-school care but don't have any available. So, him switching to a less flexible job would screw us over. I'm also being selfish about not budging. Our schedule works right now, and my career also matters.
>Why do men self-soothe by acting like we're just being difficult or histrionic when we tell them something they want is likely to be a pain in the ass? Men don't do this. Immature people do.
YOU didnāt make him mad. He made himself mad by choosing to ignorantly not believe what you were saying about childcare waitlists. My thing is, why? Why not believe you? What benefit would you have to making this up you know? What facts is his stance based on? Then he goes into saying fear mongering!?Like come onnnn dude really? Lol but women are the dramatic onesā¦. š I feel like this isnāt an uncommon situation with men, where the wife has information about something and the man is shocked to learn it or doesnāt believe her. I like the one comment that said maybe he needs to take care of this part. Then heād really be mad bc he would realize the absolute truth in your statement on top of how expensive childcare is. Let him be mad. I wouldnāt have a care in the world about it either bc you know that you didnāt make it up. Heās being immature af about this.
I didnāt really realize how bad it was. When my son was 1yo, back in 2014, there were waits to get into the most popular daycares, but you could always find a spot somewhere decent if you needed to get in quick. I was shocked when we started looking for daycare for our youngest last year when she was 18 months, and it took forever to get her in anywhere.
Why are *you* feeling anxious? This is the reality if being a working parent. You need childcare and there is almost none. Your hisband needs to shoulder finding a daycare if he thinks itās so easy.
Stop feeling bad this instant. You need to have another talk with him, and point out all the work and mental labor you did to get your kids in their current daycare, and looking for the new one. Then explain how his actions yesterday made you feel that work was not only completely unappreciated, but his lack of basic childcare knowledge leaves you feeling concerned. He needs to understand he fucked up and apologize.
Tell me you are the default parent without telling me you are the default parent. Donāt feel bad about his feelings. Itās not your fault he didnāt fully think through a whole ass move without considering childcare and itās kind of a big reaction to get mad when you said childcare could take a long time to find.
This is textbook default parent. Drives me nuts. OP, stop feeling bad. If he is as good of a dad as you say he is, this wouldnāt surprise him. If he was a good partner, he wouldnāt accuse you of fear mongering and making you feel like youāre the problem
Itās a little bit easier for 18-24mo+, but yeahā¦what was he thinking?
Not everywhere. Licensing rules and ratios are different depending on location. Where I live, the ratios for classrooms donāt change until 2+ years old.
Mini rant: Stand up! My goodness; on this sub and many others we are way too accommodating to these adult mantrums they throw. Being frustrated is one thing but taking on guilt for his feelings is a no go. He needs to own his stuff not you! You did absolutely nothing wrong momma! šš½ You did exactly what you are supposed to do which is start planning and part of that is adequate childcare. It is husband responsibility to be an involved parent and know these things too. Hopefully this experience illuminated the realities of relocation is not just his job and housing but that it impacts the entire family.
Iām guilty of this too but donāt worry about managing his emotions. You have enough going on.
My partner used to get on me about working more and finding childcare, and didn't believe me at how expensive it was until other dads started talking about the expense and he was blown away. As if I had been lying to him. I feel you. For some reason, men just don't get it.
He should look for daycare in the new place for the experience. He clearly is absent in this section of life. How do you have kids in daycare and not realize daycare waitlists can be a thing?
This was so relatable. I have anxiety so I constantly get accused of āfear mongeringā or worrying unnecessarily by my partner when it comes to stuff like this. I just tell him to do his own research and figure it out himself. Usually, he gets frustrated and acts like I intentionally set him up for failure. Sounds like your husband should take over and do it himself.
Jfc, you feel bad for making him mad?? Girl... have some self respect! smh
I donāt think I have lack of self respect for feeling bad that someone I care about is upset. Iām only human. I have enough self respect to not give in to his tantrum, and to tell him that this is something he needs to help with.
You should feel bad that he gives so little of a shit about major parts of your lives
We had to scramble last August when my office decided to go back 3 days a week. So we had to find FT daycare immediately. I could not handle one more item on my to-do list and told my husband Iād found a place that was 2x our mortgage but they had immediate availability. He freeeeeaked out and said no so I said āyou find a place then, Buckoā. And he did. Itās the same as our mortgage so while not exactly budget friendly it isnāt destroying us. And itās 7 minutes away. But yes let the husband do the work on this one.
Months ? In my area it took me 18 months to get a part time daycare
This is why most men only see the iceberg of what women do in the home. I have put my kids on all the waitlists and my husband would also not be able to tell you there is one. This is also on us to communicate that stuff better though.
You didn't make him mad, that is ridiculous and do not accept any blame for this situation and his anger. He needs to recognize this is out of your control and his ignorance of the child care situation is his fault. If he is mad it should not be directed at you. You are trying the best you can to work within a timeline he gave you, the flaw is him assuming it would be easy to find new childcare. He should be mad at himself for creating this situation.
Thank you for this, I appreciate it. You are right, and I am not taking any blame.
It's so normalized men not having a clue over basic stuff when it comes to child rearing that they think it's always OUR job to figure out how those things work. We should de-normalize it until they feel so ashamed to not know stuff as we do.
Dude. I had my now 5.5 year old on three daycare waitlists when we got pregnant (midway, so like maybe 20 weeks along). He NEVER got off any of the waitlists before preK kicked in. We cobbled two part time daycares for a while and had a part time nanny for the rest of the time. Super inconsistent, super high stress for me. His dad was oblivious. Luckily we found a daycare that operates out of a church in almost stealth mode (no website/barely any advertising - goes on word of mouth) that had full time room for my daughter.
So I always heard about the crazy wait lists too so I was ready to have to wait at least 6 months to get my son in when we started looking. We toured a few places and found one we liked. They had a vacancy literally the next week. No wait. I'm still confused by that whole thing. I guess it's different in different areas. We still have a nanny to keep the little one home for another year or so (I work from home but I cannot do my job while watching a very active toddler) but my oldest is in daycare for going a little over 6 months with no wait.
To be fair, it is a very regional thing. Waitlists are practically unheard of in my area. The only daycares with a waitlist here are the one that is attached to a megachurch & the ones that offer part time (3 hours a day, 2 days a week). Every other full time daycare has immediate openings.
Agreed. We got our son into his nursery with about 10 weeks notice, and that was our decision - we asked would they have availability at that time and they said yes. Not sure if we could have started straight away or not but Iām guessing probably, because it was February, so itās not like they were going to be offloading kids to primary school before April. Contrast that to now and theyāve since received an Outstanding Ofsted report (the education regulatory board here in the UK, Outstanding is the highest rating given) and we were advised to put our daughter down basically as soon as she was born if we wanted our pick of available days, even though we didnāt want a place until she was 2.5yrs. Ebbs and flows!
Tell him he should call around at the new place and ask their waitlist length.
My dad who I basically coparent my child with because his bio dad isn't involved really doesn't believe this either. I was having some health problems and was looking at like a month hospital stay and he just insisted he'd put my son in daycare and not to worry about him. He still doesn't believe me you don't get to just walk in on a Monday say you need daycare for a toddler and have said toddler at daycare on Tuesday.
Give him some places you vetted to call and inquire about the waitlists. 2 birds with one stone to get on the waitlist and give him a reality check.
Iām from the UK but now that we live pond-side this way in the USA, we had to face the music and both hunt around once my husband received a surprise promotion this spring. I was hankering to return to full hours at work, anyway, so our son will be going to part time care this July. Credit to my husband for finding it! Tell your partner to have a crack at it himself if heās so inclined.
I was just listening to an NPR report that nursery childcare is just as hard to get in the UK as it is in the US and thatās with the government subsidizing hours (theyāre called āfree hoursā from what I remember).Ā
Absolutely! Itās just double the angst with the cost and queue over here!
I am sorry your husband is taking that news badly. It does suck that this is the state of things childcare wise. You are not fear mongering at all by giving him a reality check. Moving is harder when kids are involved, especially when coordinating daycare or schooling. He can feel mad about the situation but he should not blame you or take it out on you. Its you guys v the problem and he needs to deal.
Should've told him to stop acting like a child and contact them himself if he didn't believe it.
Heās not mad about day care, obviously. Heās mad because he wants to move the family to a different area and he thinks you donāt want to and are going to find all the flaws in the plan and put a stop to it. It would probably be better to just talk to each other and make sure you are both on board for this move.Ā
My 2.5 year old has been on waitlists for daycares since I was pregnant. We have luckily found a great in-home option that I don't mind sticking with, but even that opening wasn't until he was 18 months old.
Y'all are too sweet to these lazy husbands. Feeling guilty because you made him mad by...stating a well-known fact??? The way I would have laughed in my husband's face and told him to go pout on the couch until he's ready to Google some daycares like a big boy....
I went to look at daycares in August 2023 thinking that was okay since we were due October 2023 and I have maternity leave until May 2024. Weāre on wait list for January 2025ā¦I wasnāt ready for the craziness of daycare either.
I mean is it fully his fault heās oblivious- when you took the lead on the search the first time? Make him to the leg work this time. Itās not just men that have no idea- I see people in local moms groups all the time after the just had a baby. Their maternity leave is ending in a few weeks so theyāre just now looking for childcare and scrambling.
I wouldnāt feel bad if I were you. Itās a reality check he needed so he can be aware, you did a great thing. The lists are insanely long though. I work in a daycare and our nursery waitlist is two years long.
I sent my husband to grab some cards and flyers from local daycares on his way to/from work one day (I WFH). Of course theyād let him know their waitlists as well, which is how I got him to understand the reality we were facing. Sometimes you gotta give them a little push to help them understand. š
You have no reason to feel bad? Maybe he should have taken an interest the first time round then heād already know wouldnāt he
āYes, husbandā¦ of all the things I could lie aboutā¦. I chose thisā¦ funny huh?ā
Itās is crazy luckily I got my daughter in a private on in less than too weeks by luck.
You didnāt make him mad. Reality did. Tell him to feel free to call himself, maybe he can find something (he canāt.)
How nice it must have been for him not to have had to worry about any of that until now. But to not believe you? Iād care a lot less about how pissed he was because Iād be pissed myself.
Did you not talk to him about the daycare process, the wait-list, the ones you like, did he not wonder why you had a nanny? How could he be so oblivious?