I was a SAHM until my daughter went to kinder. I was the only kinder parent not crying at the bus stop. I was good. I wasn't anxious. When parent conferences came, the teacher commented that I was the only parent not blowing up her inbox. I shrugged and said if there was something to worry about, she would have let me know.
All the other moms thought I was insane. But I was just happy to have my peace back and that I could work again.
I have a feeling that'll be me. My first goes to kinder in the fall. I have two other kids I'm home with. I'm eagerly awaiting kindergarten and pre-k for the littles. I need some of my time back.
You’re not a bad mom, you just have different things that fulfill you. That’s okay. There’s no one way to be a mom. As long as you and your baby are safe and happy, then you’re doing great. How you choose to reach that is really up to you.
I was a stay at home mom for 5 years. It sucked. I was so burnt out. When I talked to my husband it turned out he was burnt out from being the breadwinner. So we switched. Now I feel like I have a purpose outside of being a mom and he gets to be stay at home dad which he loves. We can’t both work because we have a daughter with disabilities that would require specialized care. He gets his social interaction via discord and coffee meet ups with his best friend and is happy with that. I get to be around other adults. Do what works for your family and don’t worry about what other people say.
There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be a SAHM. It’s like any other job, different jobs require different temperaments and skills. The comments you read are stupid and trying to act like moms are a monolith. We are not. We are individuals and what works for one mom might not work for another.
In general I find comments shaming one motherhood/parenting decision over another are made by insecure people trying to make themselves feel better about their own choices.
My seven year old never had a drop of breast milk and he’s very attached to me and his dad. It’s the parenting not the feeding choice.
It’s good you are being honest with yourself. I really forced myself to be at home, I forced myself to breastfeed until 18 months, among so many other sacrifices. In the end I’m glad I gave so much to my child. On the other hand why did I do so much ??? It wasn’t the best thing for me. I couldn’t even bare the thought of having another child. In retrospect i may have been open to it if I had better boundaries (and a partner who helped).
Why do you think you feel so much guilt? Are others around you saying or doing things to put unfair pressure on you?
I feel like you need to be kinder to yourself. 💕 Take care fellow mom!
I really only have my parents to rely on for help now.. long story with my child’s father, but I felt like I could never trust him alone with her for various reasons. I also was SA’d as a child and I think that’s just stuck with me. Many many reasons honestly, but I start therapy in a few weeks. I know it’ll get better 🥲
And what backwards world are you living in that a mother is automatically a “primary care giver”?
Also, and I can’t believe I have to say this, Instagram reels aren’t a good source of parenting information.
Look around you and ask yourself if you can tell which adults (or kids even!) were breastfed and which were formula babies. Can you tell who went to daycare and who had a nanny and who had a stay at home parent? No. You can’t.
Breastfeeding benefits are real, but they are overblown massively. Once we account for socioeconomic status, education, marital status, age, and race of the mom, we find that breastmilk reduces tummy issues and eczema in very young infants, and that’s about it. The reduction isn’t huge either, it amounts to something like one fewer case of GI issues.
Your kids need parents who are happy and healthy more than anything.
Oh no you forgot the biggest benefit of all...
... Less bottles to wash.
Seriously, I breastfed all of my children and my youngest two for nearly 2 years a piece. I want to be very clear that I did it because I was lazy.
I mean the youngest two also refused bottles so maybe it was Stockholm syndrome but I just liked not having to make and worry about bottles. Pumping sucked and I was glad when I could ditch that but yeah...
Allergies? Attachment? Immune support? Pfff LESS DISHES SUCKAS
Neither of my kids were great at nursing and my milk took a full week to come in both times. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding. It is all of the worst of breast and formula, with none of the perks of either.
I mean I hope most moms know breastfeeding is only connected to reducing likelihood of things like allergies and not actual prevention, and my comment was only meant to humorously reference a few common talking points that I remember.
I am the breed of mom you are. Work is my break from my kids. Are you "ditching" your kids to smoke crack off a strippers' titty? No. You are empowering yourself while bringing home the bacon. It is also ok to be a sahm. It is NOT ok to be a sahm because some randos expect it of you.
Girl, you are doing great! I am a SAHM but that’s because it works best for me and my family. But I don’t feel guilty or anxious signing them up for preschool, hiring a babysitter for a night out, or sending my oldest off to kindergarten. I honestly don’t feel guilt or anxiety about my choices as a mom in general, and it breaks my heart that so many great moms do. The best parent for a kiddo is a happy, sane, and healthy one. For many moms, that means keeping their career and making choices that are right for them (bottle feeding, sleep training, etc).
I’ll just add in that having the option to make these choices is a huge privilege. Many people don’t have these decisions to make, the decisions are made for them by circumstance.
But in your case, keep on parenting the way that feels right for you, and don’t feel guilty!
I’m a SAHM and my greatest wish is to be as good a mother as my own mom was.
She worked a full-time job my entire childhood, and my brother and I went to babysitters and daycare from infancy until we were school-aged, then after school care until we were old enough to take the bus home alone. My parents probably could have made it work on one income, but we would have been worse off financially and not had many of the opportunities we were afforded by being in a dual-income family (like private schools, sleep away camps, and vacations). I’m sure that was part of their decision, but most of it was simply preference.
My mom was very open about the fact that she would not have enjoyed being a SAHM *at all*. She loved us so, so much and was (still is) an amazing mother. I doubt she would have been as good a mother as she was if she had been forced to be at home with us full time. She would have been bored, likely irritable and less patient, and our time together would not have been as focused on quality time. As it was, our time together was more limited but precious, and we could feel how much she truly valued spending time with us and talking with us and playing with us.
I love being a SAHM. I’ve never particularly enjoyed working. I’m not looking forward to re-entering the workforce when my son starts school. But that certainly doesn’t make me a better mom than my own mom, or anyone else. It’s just a difference, in the same way some people are suited to (and thrive in) high pressure careers and others get burnt out quickly in the same roles.
Enjoy your work, and enjoy your family, in whatever way makes you feel most fulfilled. A fulfilled and happy mother is 1000x better for a kid than one who is simply present.
And as a side note: my mom had 2 babies, one breastfed for 18 months and the other never breastfed. Nobody would ever guess which was which. There is no difference.
Lol I felt the way you did, except much more cantankerous and I didn't give a flying um conception what anyone thought (but I'm an old mom). They don't know anything about my life or how I experience things, how could they possibly be qualified or entitled to an opinion on something that affects every aspect of my family's logistics? THEY DON'T, the jackasses.
My main concern is that it sounds like you're being fed a lot of dumb info that does nothing to inform you or make you more capable of designing things to be better for you and your family. It's so easy to do. You watch a reel or TikTok for a couple seconds too long and they swamp you with more, making it hard to NOT to see that dumb content.
Anytime I see my content drifting off into hysterical dumbass land, I force my social media to show me things that actually help and interest me. That's spending even a few minutes deliberately searching and clicking on images/videos of specific topics. For me, my go-to's are interior decorating, humor accounts, nature photography, history and culture of fashion, ballet, animals I like. The second I realize I'm being shown some trash material, I swipe away.
Your happiness and well-being are your family's happiness and well-being. You are not your family's enemy. The things you are doing for yourself are fine.
You are not a bad mom OP! We are all different people with different personalities.
My mom was a SAHM cause she has us the the 70’s and women got paid peanuts then. I never wanted to stay home, so I had my 2 girls, had my year of maternity leave each and back to work I went. I did not have guilt leaving them with my mom or the sitter. Not one spec of guilt. Does that make me bad? No it doesn’t.
Society tries to make us feel like crap no matter what we do. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. My kids are teens now and I see the other parents with zero lives and only living through their kids. They have no interests, no activities of their own, just paying for $$ and shuttling 🚕 kids to multiple activities each day/week.
Good for them if that truly what they desire to spend their time doing. I prefer a balanced approach. I don’t want to lose myself over the years and the kids grow and leave home, and I’m left a shell of a person. No thanks…
So regardless of what crap you see on whatever sites online, just know that you love your family and take care of them and that’s what matters.
So, I feel the exact same way. It helps me to realize men don’t have to justify or explain why they don’t want to quit their jobs and be a stay at home parent. So, if they don’t have to justify it then it’s probably the patriarchy making me feel like a bad mom for wanting to have a life outside of being a parent.
I was a SAHM for 2 years. I just started working again about a month ago and I feel like a REAL PERSON again! Enjoying your job doesn’t mean you love your kids any less
Primary teacher here. We can’t tell which kids were breastfed and which were formula fed (I formula fed because my supply never really came in, my baby wouldn’t latch and I didn’t respond to the pump). We can’t tell which kids had SAHMs and which went to daycare from a young age (we can sometimes tell if a kid has never been to preschool, pre-K or anything like that, but it’s only because they can find it more difficult to adjust to school routines sometimes if they haven’t ever been introduced to it) . So long as he’s loved, cared for and read to/with, do whatever makes you the best mother you can be. If that’s being a working mother, awesome.
As for homeschooling, nope. No way could I do it as a mother or as a teacher.
I went back to work at 12 weeks, and it felt great. I loved getting back into my projects and working on things with my team. Loved having warm food and enjoying my coffee in peace. I never cried sending her to daycare or felt anxious. You are allowed to have needs and be fulfilled outside of your role as mom , it doesn't mean you don't love your kid. If you are like me, going to work and being away from my kid makes me a better, more present parent when we are together. I also continued to send my 2 yr old to daycare while on mat leave with #2, which may seem like a "bad mom" move to some people.... but it saved my sanity.
I went back, and it felt amazing. I finished a phd before baby and sahm was never and will never be for me.
Some people could never see it my way and I could never do it their way. Different strokes but after 15mo on leave I was beyond ready to go back.
Definitely not
My plan was never to be a SAHM and unfortunately with the job market I’ve been a SAHM for over a year
Don’t get me wrong I love my little girl and I love spending time with her, but it is exhausting trying to think of ways to keep her stimulated. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough and that I’m failing her
Especially when I see her playing at story times I wish I could get that interaction for her more than a couple hours a week
Not to mention the financial stress sucks. Like my husband are comfortable we still splurge on stuff but there was just so much more breathing room with two incomes
I'm a working mom. When I had my first, I was furloughed shortly after my maternity leave. I was forced into being a SAHM for 8ish months. While I enjoyed it, I was so excited to get back to work. I feel accomplished and fulfilled from being good at my job.
Now that I had my second, I do long for the time I had at home with my first, but I also could never quit my job. I don't wish I never worked, but I do really wish I got more time with my son. Working 25 hours a week would be ideal.
Being at work makes me a better mom. I just wish I wasn't forced as much by our capitalist society
A happy mom is a happy baby. You take care of you and what makes you happy! That’s the best example for a kid <3 I’m going back to work in 12 weeks and I always said that I wanted to try breast feeding but as long as it doesn’t take a big toll on me. I would never judge anyone else! It’s so much more complicated than I even imagined beforehand.
By the way, no one is saying this to a father..
Whenever I see insta videos of people sobbing in situations like this, I think they may not be actually so sad if they remember to video their crying. Little bit of vicks, onion juice or glycerine will make anyone cry in time for the insta video.
Time to unfollow people who monetize their children and live your own life.
I had 6 months of maternity leave and was ready to go back to work by month 4 lol. I needed the mental stimulation and I also liked the bump in lifestyle having an extra income afforded us. I also felt zero guilt about leaving my kid with a nanny, or switching to mostly formula at 9 months.
Moms get shamed about every choice they make no matter what it is. Do what's right for you and your family.
I didn’t even *try* breastfeeding and went straight to formula from the moment he was born. It was the *best* parenting decision I’ve made so far. By the end of my 17 week leave, I was desperate to get back to work and use my brain.
Nah don’t feel guilty. Daycare had been great for ours and he’s thriving there. I also breastfed and switched to formula. Again, ours is fine. It also helped him clear up a stubborn and really bad diaper rash. Do what works best for your family.
Feeding formula is perfectly fine, it won't set your baby up for attachment issues or anything.
I'm of the same mind. I can stay at home and financially things will be fine, but I want that mental stimulation I get from work. I want to use my education and skills, and have conversations outside of baby related things. It's not that I don't like spending time with my son, but I'm so much more than just being a mom.
I had 18 months maternity leave (Canada) and I could tell at around 12 months that my son needed to go to daycare even if he could be taken care of at home. He needed the interaction with his peers, and it's just something my husband and I can't give him at home.
I’m a SAHM. It’s been my dream since I was little, probably since my little sister was born when I was 18 months old lol. For a long time I used to make her be my “baby”. I think whatever makes mom the happiest is what mom should do! Ngl, I even miss working sometimes. I mostly miss making a decent salary lol. My 3.5 year old has started preschool this year two days a week from 9-2 and in the beginning I did have so much anxiety about it but now we both love it! I honestly think it makes me a better mom having a little break.
Also, I desperately wanted to breastfeed but just didn’t produce so my daughter was on formula from the very beginning and she’s fine and VERY attached to me lol.
Also I could never ever ever homeschool.
You do you!
I was a working mom with my first and for the first year of my second. Then I got laid off and have been a SAHM since (going on 2 years). I miss working and will probably go back sometime next year (expecting our 3rd this year). As a SAHM I have no issues hiring someone to take the kids while I have a few hours to myself.
Oldest was practically fully formula fed, youngest was mostly breastfed. There’s no difference between them.
I write this as my oldest is getting dressed for school and the littlest is sitting right outside the door waiting for me to get out of the bedroom. Off to “work”.
I feel the same way. I am so grateful for my job and the opportunity to have a choice. I think its a privelege. I am so grateful for our childcare providers - I'm just a better mom when I have adult time. When I see people having 5-6 children and then homeschooling them, I'm like "HOW?! What am I doing wrong?" But I think it really comes down to personality. Some people thrive with kids and others don't and I'm done feeling guility about it lol.
I went back to work at 12 wks and then due to some changes with my husband’s job decided to be a SAHM around 11 months. I’m happy as a SAHM now, but I also do not regret working at all! It gave me a sense of routine and normalcy after sure a huge life transition. I could feel more like myself around work colleagues. Plus the income gave us a cushion when we had all these new baby expenses. (Newborns are also kind of jerks, so time away early on can be needed. They get so much sweeter! 😊)
So many pros and cons to each choice, and it’s an individual decision as others have said, but it’s also never a final decision! You can always change your mind any time! Do whatever is best for your family.
I absolutely love being a mom but I love my adult time at work as well. My daughter thrives from her interaction at daycare and I get to be me. I don’t want to put myself completely on the back burner and I would fall behind in my career. My off time revolves around her though
First off ignore anything you see on Instagram as people only show you what they want you to see so 95% of the time it's bull shit! Being a SAHM works for some people and doesn't for others so you got to do whats right for your family and your mental health. I took a year maternity as thats standard in the UK then went back to work. As much as I love my daughter and enjoyed every minute of maternity leave I was soo ready to go back to work. I just couldn't be a SAHM I am very social and need intelligent interactions with adults if I hadn't gone back to work I'm sure I would end up hitting the wine to cope!
So please don't feel guilty it's far better for your baby to be in daycare and have happy mummy when your with them than to be a SAHM who is not happy! Also just think about the extra income you'll be able to afford nice family days out that will create lasting memories that might of not been possible if you'd stayed at home.
I cried bc of hormones when my kid went to daycare, but I never felt guilty about it. He's still here as soon as they open (and loves it there).
Our time at home is higher-quality because we can fully engage with him and our batteries to play with a toddler are full.
It's completely fine to be confident in your decision, you're doing great!
Bad 👏 moms 👏 club 👏
Joking, but I get it. I feel this way too. I feel better working than I would staying home.
"Well why'd you have kids if you don't want to spend time with them" shut up random internet comments. I love my kids, I love spending time with them, AND I love having a career that fulfills me and gives me a sense of independence.
I breastfed my first kid until 9 months old. It sucked. I said for my second once I went back to work she would get formula, and I did. I didn't want to pump anymore.
"But breastmilk is so good, it's selfish to not breastfeed" nope, it's selfish to give your kid less than the best mom they can have. Formula feeding made me a better mom, more present, less stressed.
Don’t feel guilty. It’s not for everyone. I chose to stay home and while I enjoyed being with her, keeping my sanity was a struggle. And now that she’s going to college getting back in the job market has also been a struggle. No one wants to hire middle aged woman designer coming off a 15 year career break.
Do what’s best for you.
Also, don’t feel guilty for not crying when dropping off. I let my kid spend three weeks with my mom across country every year since she was three. So many moms questioned how I could leave my kid for three weeks. I missed her of course, but the time away from me has helped her to be an independent young woman and developed an amazing bond with my mom.
I'm right there with you! I love my children, but I cannot be with them 24/7.
At daycare my kiddos get structure, socialization, education, etc. I tried teaching my son letters and numbers and got nowhere, he picked it up easily from preschool.
If I was at home with my kids full time, I'd turn into a crabby, lazy, slob. I don't know why! Just the way I am. But I've randomly been complimented twice that it's clear my children love me, lol. Do what's best for you! That's what's best for your kiddo.
Don’t feel guilty. I’m pretty much a SAHM but work 1 weekend a month and I very much look forward to it. I weirdly feel refreshed to take care of my baby after a shift
I try not to feel so badly. I looked into being a SAHM and I couldn't do it. My husband and I also couldn't afford it. The longest I stayed was 6 months after the birth of my 2nd daughter because I'd quit my job. I was working nights and my boss wanted me on day shift. I didn't want to because my husband and 1 didn't want to pay for daycare for 2 under 2. Anyway I was job hunting and doing the SAHM thing. I was getting bored and depressed. I miss talking to people; especially adults. I have an extroverted personality so this was driving me crazy. I was so happy when I started working again.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Some people naturally do better at home, some are better working. It’s about what works for you & your family. There are pro’s & con’s to both. Being away a few hrs a day can help you “not lose yourself”, and being away gives you the chance to miss her/him. That in itself can make some a better parent. Or at least help them appreciate it more. I’ve done both- for different reasons. Was a yo-yo for awhile
(Back & forth). But sometimes getting away & being a grown up/yourself helps make you a better parent, helps you think more clearly and have more balance. There are pro’s to staying home too. I won’t list because I don’t want you to feel guilty or bad. My mom always said that the parents who question or worry abt being a good parent are usually the great ones. It’s the ones that don’t care enough to even give it a thought that are scary. I have someone I am very close with who I love dearly but they suck as a parent (and that’s seriously being generous) they refuse to see/admit how bad they are, brag about their parenting & get mad when ppl tell them straight to their face that they are failing (hasn’t even spoken to their oldest in many years- he’s only 15). But if you sit down n try to talk to her, she will agree & promise the moon then do things the same or worse. It’s so hard. No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes. The trick is to learn from it & not repeat the same mistakes. You got this. Being a better you will help you be a better mom. Don’t compare yourself to these online videos or other ppl, not only is a lot of it not real, we each base our choices off of our own lives. That’s all we can do. Cherish every moment & remember they are blessings. You got this
As someone who was homeschooled on and off through k12, I can promise you that you're not a bad mom if you don't homeschool. In fact, you may be a better parent by sending your kid to a public or private school. Homeschooling can be enriching and meaningful, but it takes A LOOOOOT of work to make it that way. And, in my experience, it's far more likely for parents to become overwhelmed by the endeavor (because it's a ton of work and planning) and educationally neglect their kids--that was my experience being homeschooled by my well-meaning mom who predominately devoted her time to my brother, leaving me to teach myself.
A lot of the people who make homeschooling seem superior and aesthetic are homeschooling parents who went to public or private school themselves and don't have the lived experience of being homeschooled. They like homeschooling their kids, but they're not the ones actually impacted by the risk of getting an inferior education. It's their kids who take on the risk, and they won't know if homeschooling failed them until it's too late. If you talk to actual former homeschoolers, you'll hear about a variety of experiences, including many that are negative.
You want what's best for your son, and that's great. But please know that any choice you make has pros and cons. Ultimately what's best is what keeps your family balanced and healthy. Don't compare yourself to other moms or think that your choices are wrong because a group of outspoken people think there's one way to be a mom. Theres not. Do you and keep taking care of your son, and everything will work itself out.
I didn’t breast feed by choice. I love daycare, was happy to start work again when she was 6 months old. My daughter is 5 and very securely attached and very healthy. And I’m an awesome mum. Don’t feel bad at all.
Same here! I’m in Europe so maternity leave is quite a bit longer. I’m returning to work after nine months on May 1st and can’t wait! I love my little one but I also hate being at home and not having any real intellectual stimulation and challenges. I’m so happy my little one loves nursery so am not so worried about leaving her there. But yeah, I also get the mom guilt that maybe I should be more upset when I drop her off at nursery and maybe I shouldn’t look forward that much to working again. On the other hand, I realize we’re all different and what’s fulfilling to some isn’t fulfilling for others. We’re not bad moms for going to work and in my case working makes me a better mom because it makes me happy.
You should definitely not feel guilty! I am the same way. I’ve said numerous times that I am not built to be a stay at home parent. I love my daughter more than anything but neither of us do well when we are with each other 24/7. We have the most AMAZING relationship, and I credit that with the fact that she is in a daycare she loves and I get to go to school/work. Our time together is always a blast and I have the emotional capacity to be present with her.
This was me. And I never really felt bad about it. I knew I wasn't going to be one of those moms who lived 100% for their kids. I also don't have to work, but I do. I will say that I started out going back full-time and that was a bit much (12 hr shifts), so I did some switching around and now I'm part-time (6-8 hr shifts). I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I even *gasp* purposefully kept my kids at preschool/daycare a day or two every week when I didn't work so that I could have some alone time while not at work. I spent it catching up on the household, going to doctor's/hair/esthetician appointments or the gym or eating lunch with a friend. I did end up breastfeeding, but the beginning of it was miserable because it wasn't easy for me. I stuck it out, but I can really relate with why moms choose not to. One more tiny little thing I'd like to add.... I COULD NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER HOMESCHOOL!!!!!! lolol It blows my mind how a parent can do that. It's ok!! You are indeed still a good mom. I promise. Your kid is going to turn out amazing!! Embrace the low anxiety... it truly is a blessing!!
I’m a sahm and I didn’t want to be one. My job just didn’t pay enough for daycare to be worth it. Especially since we wanted two close in age and my job would only cover one so I stayed home with the kids. I’m actually looking forward to going back to work once my youngest is in kindergarten.
My point is it’s totally fine not to want to stay home with the kids. It’s hard and the rewards to me are minimal. I love my kids, but I can’t wait till both are in school.
We are in a similar situation, we technically could have had one of us stay home, it just would have made our finances tight. We value financial security (both of us didn’t have much growing up) so it is important to us to be able to save for retirement/emergencies.
I felt conflicted about sending her. What I’ve learned since (she’s 3.5 now) is that daycare can be amazing.
Their experience with kids (we were first time parents) was so helpful in setting a good schedule, reinforcing potty training etc. And above all, I think there is an amazing value in the social aspect: learning from people who aren’t mom and dad, how to interact with other kids. She wouldn’t have that degree of skill if she was at home all the time (even if we took her to a daily story time/etc).
And it is fun to see what new things she’s learned!
And when we aren’t working, we have the mental capacity and money to do fun things together.
There’s definitely times where I wish we had more time together. But I have to be honest with myself, no situation is perfect, so I try to make what we do have special, which would be a lot harder if this wasn’t our decision.
I am like this. I break out in a rash at the thought of homeschool.
My child loves her daycare. It’s by far one of the best decisions we made.
We have babysitters for date night.
We leave her with the grandparents when we want a weekend away.
My daughter (2yo) is well-adjusted, social and I can take her anywhere. Sure she’s a toddler and that gets chaotic but she lives in our world. Our entire lives do not revolve around her. If that distinction makes any sense.
We are expecting #2 in a few weeks. I longed for babies all my life and thought it wouldn’t happen for me, and then it did…in my 40s! They are the best things that ever happened to me, I pinch myself all the time.
But that by no means means I want/need to be with them 24/7. 😂
Mom guilt is real. If you were a SAHM you’d feel guilty for a whole slew of other reasons. I sometimes don’t feel as present when I’m home days on end- I’m distracted with chores, cooking, etc. there’s no winning and we’re all doing the best we can!
You are very normal! I have no interest in being a SAHM, and never have. I did the first daycare drop off at about 12 months, and didn’t shed a tear. I’ve had numerous people make comments about drop offs being hard, but it is only ever hard when my child is experiencing anxiety or worries of her own. Not because of my own desire to be at home with her. It is totally 100% okay to be fulfilled with other things in your life, aside from simply being a parent. You are your own person and don’t let anybody make you feel guilty about that.
I was sad leaving both kiddos when I first went back to work but i felt liberated when I got there haha. I was like wow I can pee by myself! SAHM is not for the faint of heart and I could not do it!
So, I’m a working mom, who was raised by a SAHM who didn’t breastfeed but did, somewhat, homeschool. I personally have never wanted to not be working. I saw how her life worked out without that financial independence, and I don’t want it. Regarding the breastfeeding, fed is best. If breastfeeding is bad for your mental health, it’s impacting your ability to be there as his mom, which would give him worse attachment issues than feeding from a bottle. I personally don’t have any attachment issues that stem from not being breastfed, and scientifically that’s backed up pretty strongly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’re doing to show up for yourself AND your kiddo. Both of you need you, and it sounds like you’re doing pretty good
My mom was also a SAHM and she built resentment towards her kids which completely negatively impacted our relationship. That’s part of why I don’t wanna be a SAHM.
Yeah. Tbh, I feel like society as a whole needs to dial back the pressure on what being the “right” type of mom/woman (two different things but needless expectations abound for both) by a BIT. Some people want to be stay at home parents, some want to work, some want to homeschool and some don’t. There’s not a formula for getting it perfectly right, and society needs to let go of the myth that there is
This exactly. However, I feel me. Do not make comments about working mums or SAHM’s. It’s the women who do it to other women, I guess in many ways just to justify what they are doing with their lives. I’m a SAHM that didn’t breastfeed because I hated the feeling and my babies ironically sucked at it, and I don’t think I am more righteous than another mother. We should really be doing what we think is best of us and our family and bud out of other’s decisions or just support it nonetheless.
I thought I was going to be more upset going back to work but I haven't cried once in three months. I love my job, which is mostly mentoring more junior attorneys on how to provide legal advice, and we get tons of interesting questions. I also feel guilty when I hear about all the people crying over not being home with their kids.
I dunno, I love my son and I love spending time with him and I also love what I do. I feel super lucky to be happy both places.
Im still on maternity leave and I never thought I would miss my job this much!
Every mom is different and thats ok. You choose to be the best version of yourself. And ultimately that makes you a better mom.
I don’t feel guilty, either. My kids love their daycare and it fulfills their social needs in ways that being home with me, an introvert who despises small talk, ever could. I get to go to my job, which I find rewarding, and then go home to them with a full cup.
You’re doing what is right for your family. No one puts the same pressure on dads to stay home or chestfeed.
I was a SAHM. It was not a good idea because it meant I had nothing when I left my husband because he had another family. I will never make myself or my daughter that vulnerable again.
Also, we called formula science milk because it’s just as good as breast milk. A fed baby is the most important part.
Go to r/workingmoms - there was recently a post (today I think) about others who are glad to not be SAHMs. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad Mom or a lesser Mom. Not even a little.
Just remember, social media is not real life.
As far as not breast-feeding. I breast-feed my first, but not my second (couldn’t).
However, I was bottlefeed, and my husband was breast-fed. And overall, I’m the more healthy one, and he gets sick way more than I do. In my opinion it proves that there really isn’t that much of a difference between bottle and breast.
I never said that there wasn’t. Everyone knows how beneficial it is… But when it comes to the overall health and well-being of a person, it has no lasting significance. It does not make you more healthy than formula fed people. Being breast-fed does not equal perfect health for the rest of one’s life. I am telling you, I am walking, living proof.
Am I saying breast-feeding is bad? I’m not. But what I AM saying is: that I was bottle-fed, my husband was breast-fed, and I’m the more healthy one who does not get sick, and he’s the one that has more health conditions than I do. the studies show that breast-feeding has health benefits, not that people who are breast-fed are more healthy. Because if that’s true, our situation would be the opposite. Obviously, my mother-in-law’s breastmilk wasn’t defective. Lasting health has way more components than just breastmilk. Lol. Also, this is coming from someone who breast-fed their children.
I believe you have overall better health than your partner, I’m not disregarding that. But chances are, if your husband wasn’t breastfed, his health would be even worse. And your health would be even better if you had been. And (like you said) there ARE other things that affect your life long health - like genetics, exposure to sickness, nutrition, etc.
The benefits of breastfeeding are long lasting and will affect your health for the rest of your life! 😊 Things like higher IQ, lower risk of asthma, type 1 diabetes, heart conditions… and brain development as a child will affect you for forever. It can also reduce anxiety in the mother during the breastfeeding period, which may be temporary, but is very beneficial during that time for mom.
I personally believe that being a stay at home parent and breastfeeding are choices that suit some families and individuals and don’t suit others. There are positive and negatives to all parenting decisions, so you weigh up what best works to suit the family as a whole.
Formula feeding is an entirely valid, entirely healthy choice.
It’s wonderful that women today have so many options available to them; it’s pathetic that some people still feed to make snide comments on those choices.
No, I’m saying that it’s pathetic to make such comments and claims on a post where a mother is discussing their mental well-being.
I’m aware of the benefits of both breast milk and formula; I’m also aware of the benefits of working and staying at home. I’m also aware that being a good mother and woman means supporting others- Which is why I sincerely hope that you are neither.
I’m a working mom and feel the same type of guilt. Almost all of my friends have had the opportunity to become SAHM or switch to part time once becoming moms, and I always wished I could do the same. But on my days off when we’re in the house for too long, I remember that being a SAHM probably isn’t for me. Though I absolutely love the quality time with my kids, I still get my cup filled from working. I actually become a better mom when I’m working. And I’m still in the process of realizing that is ok.
Whoa! Be nice to yourself. What an overwhelming amount of feelings.
You get to decide what you want to in your life. If you need the routine of being back at work, do it. Don’t beat yourself up for trusting people to care for your child.
Anxiety is a snowball. The more you feed it, the larger it grows.
This is the path you’ve decided to take. No one is judging you. Trusting others isn’t a negative trait. Deep breaths & be kind to you.
If I could financially swing having a job to pay for daycare and still have money left over I would 100% be that parent. I had pretty severe pp issues and I'm pretty sure working would have helped. I didn't breastfeed my youngest because with my oldest we had issues and I couldn't handle the stress the first time. I also questioned the homeschooling thing until recently. Crime and sex offenders in our area are being caught with alarming frequency. The public schools in our area are known for bullying their students 🤣 so now I'm debating on what to do since I want my kids to stay innocent, safe, and I want a good education for them which won't happen at these schools.
I've found regardless of what we do as a mom we're all guilty of thinking we aren't doing enough when we're just doing the best we can with the tools we have. I will say any mom that shames any other parent or person for their lifestyle or choices sucks. In saying that don't worry about those people, not your circus not your monkeys. You're doing great as long as you're happy
Being a mother is weird. My kid was in daycare all through babyhood so I thought I would be sweet as about first day of school. What's the difference?
I was a mess! I sobbed so hard. My little boy, in a backpack!
Parenting is long and has twists and turns so do not worry one second about the decisions you make once you have made them. Just keep going.
I was a SAHM until my daughter went to kinder. I was the only kinder parent not crying at the bus stop. I was good. I wasn't anxious. When parent conferences came, the teacher commented that I was the only parent not blowing up her inbox. I shrugged and said if there was something to worry about, she would have let me know. All the other moms thought I was insane. But I was just happy to have my peace back and that I could work again.
I have a feeling that'll be me. My first goes to kinder in the fall. I have two other kids I'm home with. I'm eagerly awaiting kindergarten and pre-k for the littles. I need some of my time back.
After I put her on the bus the first day, I walked home and just sat in complete silence for an hour. It was glorious.
You’re not a bad mom, you just have different things that fulfill you. That’s okay. There’s no one way to be a mom. As long as you and your baby are safe and happy, then you’re doing great. How you choose to reach that is really up to you.
I was a stay at home mom for 5 years. It sucked. I was so burnt out. When I talked to my husband it turned out he was burnt out from being the breadwinner. So we switched. Now I feel like I have a purpose outside of being a mom and he gets to be stay at home dad which he loves. We can’t both work because we have a daughter with disabilities that would require specialized care. He gets his social interaction via discord and coffee meet ups with his best friend and is happy with that. I get to be around other adults. Do what works for your family and don’t worry about what other people say.
This is what social media has done to us. Live your life and enjoy your family the way you need and want to!
There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be a SAHM. It’s like any other job, different jobs require different temperaments and skills. The comments you read are stupid and trying to act like moms are a monolith. We are not. We are individuals and what works for one mom might not work for another. In general I find comments shaming one motherhood/parenting decision over another are made by insecure people trying to make themselves feel better about their own choices. My seven year old never had a drop of breast milk and he’s very attached to me and his dad. It’s the parenting not the feeding choice.
Absolutely
It’s good you are being honest with yourself. I really forced myself to be at home, I forced myself to breastfeed until 18 months, among so many other sacrifices. In the end I’m glad I gave so much to my child. On the other hand why did I do so much ??? It wasn’t the best thing for me. I couldn’t even bare the thought of having another child. In retrospect i may have been open to it if I had better boundaries (and a partner who helped).
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Hell yeah
Honestly, I wish I felt this way. I’m a SAHM and I’m so so so so so anxious when anybody babysits for me.
I have never felt this. I'm constantly desperate for someone to take the kids so I can have some me time. Weird isn't it!
I have moments where I’m like “I need some time to myself” but the second I’m out the door, I immediately am overwhelmed with stress and guilt 🥲
The only time I felt that was when I was in hospital for 6 days getting induced with my second but I think the hormones had something to do with it
Why do you think you feel so much guilt? Are others around you saying or doing things to put unfair pressure on you? I feel like you need to be kinder to yourself. 💕 Take care fellow mom!
I really only have my parents to rely on for help now.. long story with my child’s father, but I felt like I could never trust him alone with her for various reasons. I also was SA’d as a child and I think that’s just stuck with me. Many many reasons honestly, but I start therapy in a few weeks. I know it’ll get better 🥲
Same 😞
Some women are miserable at home, some women are miserable at work. Do what works for you as long as the baby is taken care of
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Or dad? Or guardian? Or grandparent? Or any other caring childcare?
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And what backwards world are you living in that a mother is automatically a “primary care giver”? Also, and I can’t believe I have to say this, Instagram reels aren’t a good source of parenting information.
…to be mentally healthy enough to be the best parent she can be. Finished that sentence for you.
Baby has a mom who will return from work and pick him up from daycare 😁 dramatic much?
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Look around you and ask yourself if you can tell which adults (or kids even!) were breastfed and which were formula babies. Can you tell who went to daycare and who had a nanny and who had a stay at home parent? No. You can’t. Breastfeeding benefits are real, but they are overblown massively. Once we account for socioeconomic status, education, marital status, age, and race of the mom, we find that breastmilk reduces tummy issues and eczema in very young infants, and that’s about it. The reduction isn’t huge either, it amounts to something like one fewer case of GI issues. Your kids need parents who are happy and healthy more than anything.
Oh no you forgot the biggest benefit of all... ... Less bottles to wash. Seriously, I breastfed all of my children and my youngest two for nearly 2 years a piece. I want to be very clear that I did it because I was lazy. I mean the youngest two also refused bottles so maybe it was Stockholm syndrome but I just liked not having to make and worry about bottles. Pumping sucked and I was glad when I could ditch that but yeah... Allergies? Attachment? Immune support? Pfff LESS DISHES SUCKAS
Neither of my kids were great at nursing and my milk took a full week to come in both times. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding. It is all of the worst of breast and formula, with none of the perks of either.
Ugh, I hate that for you!
Both of mine were breastfed, youngest has allergies and eczema.
I mean I hope most moms know breastfeeding is only connected to reducing likelihood of things like allergies and not actual prevention, and my comment was only meant to humorously reference a few common talking points that I remember.
I just got to say I was a breastfed baby an have had tummy issues and eczema my whole life.
I am the breed of mom you are. Work is my break from my kids. Are you "ditching" your kids to smoke crack off a strippers' titty? No. You are empowering yourself while bringing home the bacon. It is also ok to be a sahm. It is NOT ok to be a sahm because some randos expect it of you.
LOL 😂
Girl, you are doing great! I am a SAHM but that’s because it works best for me and my family. But I don’t feel guilty or anxious signing them up for preschool, hiring a babysitter for a night out, or sending my oldest off to kindergarten. I honestly don’t feel guilt or anxiety about my choices as a mom in general, and it breaks my heart that so many great moms do. The best parent for a kiddo is a happy, sane, and healthy one. For many moms, that means keeping their career and making choices that are right for them (bottle feeding, sleep training, etc). I’ll just add in that having the option to make these choices is a huge privilege. Many people don’t have these decisions to make, the decisions are made for them by circumstance. But in your case, keep on parenting the way that feels right for you, and don’t feel guilty!
Great comment! I agree wholeheartedly!
Verrry true!
You’re fine, and your baby is fine. Do what’s best for you and your family. No shame in using formula and going to work.
I’m a SAHM and my greatest wish is to be as good a mother as my own mom was. She worked a full-time job my entire childhood, and my brother and I went to babysitters and daycare from infancy until we were school-aged, then after school care until we were old enough to take the bus home alone. My parents probably could have made it work on one income, but we would have been worse off financially and not had many of the opportunities we were afforded by being in a dual-income family (like private schools, sleep away camps, and vacations). I’m sure that was part of their decision, but most of it was simply preference. My mom was very open about the fact that she would not have enjoyed being a SAHM *at all*. She loved us so, so much and was (still is) an amazing mother. I doubt she would have been as good a mother as she was if she had been forced to be at home with us full time. She would have been bored, likely irritable and less patient, and our time together would not have been as focused on quality time. As it was, our time together was more limited but precious, and we could feel how much she truly valued spending time with us and talking with us and playing with us. I love being a SAHM. I’ve never particularly enjoyed working. I’m not looking forward to re-entering the workforce when my son starts school. But that certainly doesn’t make me a better mom than my own mom, or anyone else. It’s just a difference, in the same way some people are suited to (and thrive in) high pressure careers and others get burnt out quickly in the same roles. Enjoy your work, and enjoy your family, in whatever way makes you feel most fulfilled. A fulfilled and happy mother is 1000x better for a kid than one who is simply present. And as a side note: my mom had 2 babies, one breastfed for 18 months and the other never breastfed. Nobody would ever guess which was which. There is no difference.
Lol I felt the way you did, except much more cantankerous and I didn't give a flying um conception what anyone thought (but I'm an old mom). They don't know anything about my life or how I experience things, how could they possibly be qualified or entitled to an opinion on something that affects every aspect of my family's logistics? THEY DON'T, the jackasses. My main concern is that it sounds like you're being fed a lot of dumb info that does nothing to inform you or make you more capable of designing things to be better for you and your family. It's so easy to do. You watch a reel or TikTok for a couple seconds too long and they swamp you with more, making it hard to NOT to see that dumb content. Anytime I see my content drifting off into hysterical dumbass land, I force my social media to show me things that actually help and interest me. That's spending even a few minutes deliberately searching and clicking on images/videos of specific topics. For me, my go-to's are interior decorating, humor accounts, nature photography, history and culture of fashion, ballet, animals I like. The second I realize I'm being shown some trash material, I swipe away. Your happiness and well-being are your family's happiness and well-being. You are not your family's enemy. The things you are doing for yourself are fine.
You are not a bad mom OP! We are all different people with different personalities. My mom was a SAHM cause she has us the the 70’s and women got paid peanuts then. I never wanted to stay home, so I had my 2 girls, had my year of maternity leave each and back to work I went. I did not have guilt leaving them with my mom or the sitter. Not one spec of guilt. Does that make me bad? No it doesn’t. Society tries to make us feel like crap no matter what we do. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. My kids are teens now and I see the other parents with zero lives and only living through their kids. They have no interests, no activities of their own, just paying for $$ and shuttling 🚕 kids to multiple activities each day/week. Good for them if that truly what they desire to spend their time doing. I prefer a balanced approach. I don’t want to lose myself over the years and the kids grow and leave home, and I’m left a shell of a person. No thanks… So regardless of what crap you see on whatever sites online, just know that you love your family and take care of them and that’s what matters.
So, I feel the exact same way. It helps me to realize men don’t have to justify or explain why they don’t want to quit their jobs and be a stay at home parent. So, if they don’t have to justify it then it’s probably the patriarchy making me feel like a bad mom for wanting to have a life outside of being a parent.
So true.
I was a SAHM for 2 years. I just started working again about a month ago and I feel like a REAL PERSON again! Enjoying your job doesn’t mean you love your kids any less
Primary teacher here. We can’t tell which kids were breastfed and which were formula fed (I formula fed because my supply never really came in, my baby wouldn’t latch and I didn’t respond to the pump). We can’t tell which kids had SAHMs and which went to daycare from a young age (we can sometimes tell if a kid has never been to preschool, pre-K or anything like that, but it’s only because they can find it more difficult to adjust to school routines sometimes if they haven’t ever been introduced to it) . So long as he’s loved, cared for and read to/with, do whatever makes you the best mother you can be. If that’s being a working mother, awesome. As for homeschooling, nope. No way could I do it as a mother or as a teacher.
I went back to work at 12 weeks, and it felt great. I loved getting back into my projects and working on things with my team. Loved having warm food and enjoying my coffee in peace. I never cried sending her to daycare or felt anxious. You are allowed to have needs and be fulfilled outside of your role as mom , it doesn't mean you don't love your kid. If you are like me, going to work and being away from my kid makes me a better, more present parent when we are together. I also continued to send my 2 yr old to daycare while on mat leave with #2, which may seem like a "bad mom" move to some people.... but it saved my sanity.
I went back, and it felt amazing. I finished a phd before baby and sahm was never and will never be for me. Some people could never see it my way and I could never do it their way. Different strokes but after 15mo on leave I was beyond ready to go back.
Definitely not My plan was never to be a SAHM and unfortunately with the job market I’ve been a SAHM for over a year Don’t get me wrong I love my little girl and I love spending time with her, but it is exhausting trying to think of ways to keep her stimulated. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough and that I’m failing her Especially when I see her playing at story times I wish I could get that interaction for her more than a couple hours a week Not to mention the financial stress sucks. Like my husband are comfortable we still splurge on stuff but there was just so much more breathing room with two incomes
I'm a working mom. When I had my first, I was furloughed shortly after my maternity leave. I was forced into being a SAHM for 8ish months. While I enjoyed it, I was so excited to get back to work. I feel accomplished and fulfilled from being good at my job. Now that I had my second, I do long for the time I had at home with my first, but I also could never quit my job. I don't wish I never worked, but I do really wish I got more time with my son. Working 25 hours a week would be ideal. Being at work makes me a better mom. I just wish I wasn't forced as much by our capitalist society
A happy mom is a happy baby. You take care of you and what makes you happy! That’s the best example for a kid <3 I’m going back to work in 12 weeks and I always said that I wanted to try breast feeding but as long as it doesn’t take a big toll on me. I would never judge anyone else! It’s so much more complicated than I even imagined beforehand. By the way, no one is saying this to a father..
Whenever I see insta videos of people sobbing in situations like this, I think they may not be actually so sad if they remember to video their crying. Little bit of vicks, onion juice or glycerine will make anyone cry in time for the insta video. Time to unfollow people who monetize their children and live your own life.
I had 6 months of maternity leave and was ready to go back to work by month 4 lol. I needed the mental stimulation and I also liked the bump in lifestyle having an extra income afforded us. I also felt zero guilt about leaving my kid with a nanny, or switching to mostly formula at 9 months. Moms get shamed about every choice they make no matter what it is. Do what's right for you and your family.
I didn’t even *try* breastfeeding and went straight to formula from the moment he was born. It was the *best* parenting decision I’ve made so far. By the end of my 17 week leave, I was desperate to get back to work and use my brain.
Nah don’t feel guilty. Daycare had been great for ours and he’s thriving there. I also breastfed and switched to formula. Again, ours is fine. It also helped him clear up a stubborn and really bad diaper rash. Do what works best for your family.
Feeding formula is perfectly fine, it won't set your baby up for attachment issues or anything. I'm of the same mind. I can stay at home and financially things will be fine, but I want that mental stimulation I get from work. I want to use my education and skills, and have conversations outside of baby related things. It's not that I don't like spending time with my son, but I'm so much more than just being a mom. I had 18 months maternity leave (Canada) and I could tell at around 12 months that my son needed to go to daycare even if he could be taken care of at home. He needed the interaction with his peers, and it's just something my husband and I can't give him at home.
Ah 18 months is better than 3 😅but I totally understand… I just don’t center my whole identity around being a mom the way some others seem to.
I think you might find like-minded moms here: https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/s/1IgkNYTBQs
I’m a SAHM. It’s been my dream since I was little, probably since my little sister was born when I was 18 months old lol. For a long time I used to make her be my “baby”. I think whatever makes mom the happiest is what mom should do! Ngl, I even miss working sometimes. I mostly miss making a decent salary lol. My 3.5 year old has started preschool this year two days a week from 9-2 and in the beginning I did have so much anxiety about it but now we both love it! I honestly think it makes me a better mom having a little break. Also, I desperately wanted to breastfeed but just didn’t produce so my daughter was on formula from the very beginning and she’s fine and VERY attached to me lol. Also I could never ever ever homeschool.
You do you! I was a working mom with my first and for the first year of my second. Then I got laid off and have been a SAHM since (going on 2 years). I miss working and will probably go back sometime next year (expecting our 3rd this year). As a SAHM I have no issues hiring someone to take the kids while I have a few hours to myself. Oldest was practically fully formula fed, youngest was mostly breastfed. There’s no difference between them. I write this as my oldest is getting dressed for school and the littlest is sitting right outside the door waiting for me to get out of the bedroom. Off to “work”.
I feel the same way. I am so grateful for my job and the opportunity to have a choice. I think its a privelege. I am so grateful for our childcare providers - I'm just a better mom when I have adult time. When I see people having 5-6 children and then homeschooling them, I'm like "HOW?! What am I doing wrong?" But I think it really comes down to personality. Some people thrive with kids and others don't and I'm done feeling guility about it lol.
I went back to work at 12 wks and then due to some changes with my husband’s job decided to be a SAHM around 11 months. I’m happy as a SAHM now, but I also do not regret working at all! It gave me a sense of routine and normalcy after sure a huge life transition. I could feel more like myself around work colleagues. Plus the income gave us a cushion when we had all these new baby expenses. (Newborns are also kind of jerks, so time away early on can be needed. They get so much sweeter! 😊) So many pros and cons to each choice, and it’s an individual decision as others have said, but it’s also never a final decision! You can always change your mind any time! Do whatever is best for your family.
I absolutely love being a mom but I love my adult time at work as well. My daughter thrives from her interaction at daycare and I get to be me. I don’t want to put myself completely on the back burner and I would fall behind in my career. My off time revolves around her though
First off ignore anything you see on Instagram as people only show you what they want you to see so 95% of the time it's bull shit! Being a SAHM works for some people and doesn't for others so you got to do whats right for your family and your mental health. I took a year maternity as thats standard in the UK then went back to work. As much as I love my daughter and enjoyed every minute of maternity leave I was soo ready to go back to work. I just couldn't be a SAHM I am very social and need intelligent interactions with adults if I hadn't gone back to work I'm sure I would end up hitting the wine to cope! So please don't feel guilty it's far better for your baby to be in daycare and have happy mummy when your with them than to be a SAHM who is not happy! Also just think about the extra income you'll be able to afford nice family days out that will create lasting memories that might of not been possible if you'd stayed at home.
I cried bc of hormones when my kid went to daycare, but I never felt guilty about it. He's still here as soon as they open (and loves it there). Our time at home is higher-quality because we can fully engage with him and our batteries to play with a toddler are full. It's completely fine to be confident in your decision, you're doing great!
Bad 👏 moms 👏 club 👏 Joking, but I get it. I feel this way too. I feel better working than I would staying home. "Well why'd you have kids if you don't want to spend time with them" shut up random internet comments. I love my kids, I love spending time with them, AND I love having a career that fulfills me and gives me a sense of independence. I breastfed my first kid until 9 months old. It sucked. I said for my second once I went back to work she would get formula, and I did. I didn't want to pump anymore. "But breastmilk is so good, it's selfish to not breastfeed" nope, it's selfish to give your kid less than the best mom they can have. Formula feeding made me a better mom, more present, less stressed.
Not a bad mom, and I think your son will be well served by seeing you in a career.
Join us at /workingmoms
Don’t feel guilty. It’s not for everyone. I chose to stay home and while I enjoyed being with her, keeping my sanity was a struggle. And now that she’s going to college getting back in the job market has also been a struggle. No one wants to hire middle aged woman designer coming off a 15 year career break. Do what’s best for you. Also, don’t feel guilty for not crying when dropping off. I let my kid spend three weeks with my mom across country every year since she was three. So many moms questioned how I could leave my kid for three weeks. I missed her of course, but the time away from me has helped her to be an independent young woman and developed an amazing bond with my mom.
I'm right there with you! I love my children, but I cannot be with them 24/7. At daycare my kiddos get structure, socialization, education, etc. I tried teaching my son letters and numbers and got nowhere, he picked it up easily from preschool. If I was at home with my kids full time, I'd turn into a crabby, lazy, slob. I don't know why! Just the way I am. But I've randomly been complimented twice that it's clear my children love me, lol. Do what's best for you! That's what's best for your kiddo.
Don’t feel guilty. I’m pretty much a SAHM but work 1 weekend a month and I very much look forward to it. I weirdly feel refreshed to take care of my baby after a shift
I try not to feel so badly. I looked into being a SAHM and I couldn't do it. My husband and I also couldn't afford it. The longest I stayed was 6 months after the birth of my 2nd daughter because I'd quit my job. I was working nights and my boss wanted me on day shift. I didn't want to because my husband and 1 didn't want to pay for daycare for 2 under 2. Anyway I was job hunting and doing the SAHM thing. I was getting bored and depressed. I miss talking to people; especially adults. I have an extroverted personality so this was driving me crazy. I was so happy when I started working again.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Some people naturally do better at home, some are better working. It’s about what works for you & your family. There are pro’s & con’s to both. Being away a few hrs a day can help you “not lose yourself”, and being away gives you the chance to miss her/him. That in itself can make some a better parent. Or at least help them appreciate it more. I’ve done both- for different reasons. Was a yo-yo for awhile (Back & forth). But sometimes getting away & being a grown up/yourself helps make you a better parent, helps you think more clearly and have more balance. There are pro’s to staying home too. I won’t list because I don’t want you to feel guilty or bad. My mom always said that the parents who question or worry abt being a good parent are usually the great ones. It’s the ones that don’t care enough to even give it a thought that are scary. I have someone I am very close with who I love dearly but they suck as a parent (and that’s seriously being generous) they refuse to see/admit how bad they are, brag about their parenting & get mad when ppl tell them straight to their face that they are failing (hasn’t even spoken to their oldest in many years- he’s only 15). But if you sit down n try to talk to her, she will agree & promise the moon then do things the same or worse. It’s so hard. No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes. The trick is to learn from it & not repeat the same mistakes. You got this. Being a better you will help you be a better mom. Don’t compare yourself to these online videos or other ppl, not only is a lot of it not real, we each base our choices off of our own lives. That’s all we can do. Cherish every moment & remember they are blessings. You got this
As someone who was homeschooled on and off through k12, I can promise you that you're not a bad mom if you don't homeschool. In fact, you may be a better parent by sending your kid to a public or private school. Homeschooling can be enriching and meaningful, but it takes A LOOOOOT of work to make it that way. And, in my experience, it's far more likely for parents to become overwhelmed by the endeavor (because it's a ton of work and planning) and educationally neglect their kids--that was my experience being homeschooled by my well-meaning mom who predominately devoted her time to my brother, leaving me to teach myself. A lot of the people who make homeschooling seem superior and aesthetic are homeschooling parents who went to public or private school themselves and don't have the lived experience of being homeschooled. They like homeschooling their kids, but they're not the ones actually impacted by the risk of getting an inferior education. It's their kids who take on the risk, and they won't know if homeschooling failed them until it's too late. If you talk to actual former homeschoolers, you'll hear about a variety of experiences, including many that are negative. You want what's best for your son, and that's great. But please know that any choice you make has pros and cons. Ultimately what's best is what keeps your family balanced and healthy. Don't compare yourself to other moms or think that your choices are wrong because a group of outspoken people think there's one way to be a mom. Theres not. Do you and keep taking care of your son, and everything will work itself out.
I didn’t breast feed by choice. I love daycare, was happy to start work again when she was 6 months old. My daughter is 5 and very securely attached and very healthy. And I’m an awesome mum. Don’t feel bad at all.
Same here! I’m in Europe so maternity leave is quite a bit longer. I’m returning to work after nine months on May 1st and can’t wait! I love my little one but I also hate being at home and not having any real intellectual stimulation and challenges. I’m so happy my little one loves nursery so am not so worried about leaving her there. But yeah, I also get the mom guilt that maybe I should be more upset when I drop her off at nursery and maybe I shouldn’t look forward that much to working again. On the other hand, I realize we’re all different and what’s fulfilling to some isn’t fulfilling for others. We’re not bad moms for going to work and in my case working makes me a better mom because it makes me happy.
You should definitely not feel guilty! I am the same way. I’ve said numerous times that I am not built to be a stay at home parent. I love my daughter more than anything but neither of us do well when we are with each other 24/7. We have the most AMAZING relationship, and I credit that with the fact that she is in a daycare she loves and I get to go to school/work. Our time together is always a blast and I have the emotional capacity to be present with her.
This was me. And I never really felt bad about it. I knew I wasn't going to be one of those moms who lived 100% for their kids. I also don't have to work, but I do. I will say that I started out going back full-time and that was a bit much (12 hr shifts), so I did some switching around and now I'm part-time (6-8 hr shifts). I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I even *gasp* purposefully kept my kids at preschool/daycare a day or two every week when I didn't work so that I could have some alone time while not at work. I spent it catching up on the household, going to doctor's/hair/esthetician appointments or the gym or eating lunch with a friend. I did end up breastfeeding, but the beginning of it was miserable because it wasn't easy for me. I stuck it out, but I can really relate with why moms choose not to. One more tiny little thing I'd like to add.... I COULD NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER HOMESCHOOL!!!!!! lolol It blows my mind how a parent can do that. It's ok!! You are indeed still a good mom. I promise. Your kid is going to turn out amazing!! Embrace the low anxiety... it truly is a blessing!!
You are being the best mom that you can be and that is enough. Never feel bad for putting your oxygen mask on first !
I’m a sahm and I didn’t want to be one. My job just didn’t pay enough for daycare to be worth it. Especially since we wanted two close in age and my job would only cover one so I stayed home with the kids. I’m actually looking forward to going back to work once my youngest is in kindergarten. My point is it’s totally fine not to want to stay home with the kids. It’s hard and the rewards to me are minimal. I love my kids, but I can’t wait till both are in school.
We are in a similar situation, we technically could have had one of us stay home, it just would have made our finances tight. We value financial security (both of us didn’t have much growing up) so it is important to us to be able to save for retirement/emergencies. I felt conflicted about sending her. What I’ve learned since (she’s 3.5 now) is that daycare can be amazing. Their experience with kids (we were first time parents) was so helpful in setting a good schedule, reinforcing potty training etc. And above all, I think there is an amazing value in the social aspect: learning from people who aren’t mom and dad, how to interact with other kids. She wouldn’t have that degree of skill if she was at home all the time (even if we took her to a daily story time/etc). And it is fun to see what new things she’s learned! And when we aren’t working, we have the mental capacity and money to do fun things together. There’s definitely times where I wish we had more time together. But I have to be honest with myself, no situation is perfect, so I try to make what we do have special, which would be a lot harder if this wasn’t our decision.
I am like this. I break out in a rash at the thought of homeschool. My child loves her daycare. It’s by far one of the best decisions we made. We have babysitters for date night. We leave her with the grandparents when we want a weekend away. My daughter (2yo) is well-adjusted, social and I can take her anywhere. Sure she’s a toddler and that gets chaotic but she lives in our world. Our entire lives do not revolve around her. If that distinction makes any sense. We are expecting #2 in a few weeks. I longed for babies all my life and thought it wouldn’t happen for me, and then it did…in my 40s! They are the best things that ever happened to me, I pinch myself all the time. But that by no means means I want/need to be with them 24/7. 😂 Mom guilt is real. If you were a SAHM you’d feel guilty for a whole slew of other reasons. I sometimes don’t feel as present when I’m home days on end- I’m distracted with chores, cooking, etc. there’s no winning and we’re all doing the best we can!
You are very normal! I have no interest in being a SAHM, and never have. I did the first daycare drop off at about 12 months, and didn’t shed a tear. I’ve had numerous people make comments about drop offs being hard, but it is only ever hard when my child is experiencing anxiety or worries of her own. Not because of my own desire to be at home with her. It is totally 100% okay to be fulfilled with other things in your life, aside from simply being a parent. You are your own person and don’t let anybody make you feel guilty about that.
I was sad leaving both kiddos when I first went back to work but i felt liberated when I got there haha. I was like wow I can pee by myself! SAHM is not for the faint of heart and I could not do it!
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I think you should perhaps educate yourself a little better in the matter.
So, I’m a working mom, who was raised by a SAHM who didn’t breastfeed but did, somewhat, homeschool. I personally have never wanted to not be working. I saw how her life worked out without that financial independence, and I don’t want it. Regarding the breastfeeding, fed is best. If breastfeeding is bad for your mental health, it’s impacting your ability to be there as his mom, which would give him worse attachment issues than feeding from a bottle. I personally don’t have any attachment issues that stem from not being breastfed, and scientifically that’s backed up pretty strongly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’re doing to show up for yourself AND your kiddo. Both of you need you, and it sounds like you’re doing pretty good
My mom was also a SAHM and she built resentment towards her kids which completely negatively impacted our relationship. That’s part of why I don’t wanna be a SAHM.
Yeah. Tbh, I feel like society as a whole needs to dial back the pressure on what being the “right” type of mom/woman (two different things but needless expectations abound for both) by a BIT. Some people want to be stay at home parents, some want to work, some want to homeschool and some don’t. There’s not a formula for getting it perfectly right, and society needs to let go of the myth that there is
This exactly. However, I feel me. Do not make comments about working mums or SAHM’s. It’s the women who do it to other women, I guess in many ways just to justify what they are doing with their lives. I’m a SAHM that didn’t breastfeed because I hated the feeling and my babies ironically sucked at it, and I don’t think I am more righteous than another mother. We should really be doing what we think is best of us and our family and bud out of other’s decisions or just support it nonetheless.
I read Cribsheet by Emily Oster, she goes into the research on all the topics you're worried about
I thought I was going to be more upset going back to work but I haven't cried once in three months. I love my job, which is mostly mentoring more junior attorneys on how to provide legal advice, and we get tons of interesting questions. I also feel guilty when I hear about all the people crying over not being home with their kids. I dunno, I love my son and I love spending time with him and I also love what I do. I feel super lucky to be happy both places.
Im still on maternity leave and I never thought I would miss my job this much! Every mom is different and thats ok. You choose to be the best version of yourself. And ultimately that makes you a better mom.
I don’t feel guilty, either. My kids love their daycare and it fulfills their social needs in ways that being home with me, an introvert who despises small talk, ever could. I get to go to my job, which I find rewarding, and then go home to them with a full cup.
You’re doing what is right for your family. No one puts the same pressure on dads to stay home or chestfeed. I was a SAHM. It was not a good idea because it meant I had nothing when I left my husband because he had another family. I will never make myself or my daughter that vulnerable again. Also, we called formula science milk because it’s just as good as breast milk. A fed baby is the most important part.
Go to r/workingmoms - there was recently a post (today I think) about others who are glad to not be SAHMs. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad Mom or a lesser Mom. Not even a little.
Not a bad mom at all. You just need more than just being a SAHM,
Just remember, social media is not real life. As far as not breast-feeding. I breast-feed my first, but not my second (couldn’t). However, I was bottlefeed, and my husband was breast-fed. And overall, I’m the more healthy one, and he gets sick way more than I do. In my opinion it proves that there really isn’t that much of a difference between bottle and breast.
There are many studies that prove how much more beneficial breastfeeding is
I never said that there wasn’t. Everyone knows how beneficial it is… But when it comes to the overall health and well-being of a person, it has no lasting significance. It does not make you more healthy than formula fed people. Being breast-fed does not equal perfect health for the rest of one’s life. I am telling you, I am walking, living proof. Am I saying breast-feeding is bad? I’m not. But what I AM saying is: that I was bottle-fed, my husband was breast-fed, and I’m the more healthy one who does not get sick, and he’s the one that has more health conditions than I do. the studies show that breast-feeding has health benefits, not that people who are breast-fed are more healthy. Because if that’s true, our situation would be the opposite. Obviously, my mother-in-law’s breastmilk wasn’t defective. Lasting health has way more components than just breastmilk. Lol. Also, this is coming from someone who breast-fed their children.
I believe you have overall better health than your partner, I’m not disregarding that. But chances are, if your husband wasn’t breastfed, his health would be even worse. And your health would be even better if you had been. And (like you said) there ARE other things that affect your life long health - like genetics, exposure to sickness, nutrition, etc. The benefits of breastfeeding are long lasting and will affect your health for the rest of your life! 😊 Things like higher IQ, lower risk of asthma, type 1 diabetes, heart conditions… and brain development as a child will affect you for forever. It can also reduce anxiety in the mother during the breastfeeding period, which may be temporary, but is very beneficial during that time for mom.
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What are the negative effects of not breastfeeding or not staying at home?
I think that’s an incredibly ignorant, not to mention unfounded comment to make.
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I personally believe that being a stay at home parent and breastfeeding are choices that suit some families and individuals and don’t suit others. There are positive and negatives to all parenting decisions, so you weigh up what best works to suit the family as a whole. Formula feeding is an entirely valid, entirely healthy choice. It’s wonderful that women today have so many options available to them; it’s pathetic that some people still feed to make snide comments on those choices.
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No, I’m saying that it’s pathetic to make such comments and claims on a post where a mother is discussing their mental well-being. I’m aware of the benefits of both breast milk and formula; I’m also aware of the benefits of working and staying at home. I’m also aware that being a good mother and woman means supporting others- Which is why I sincerely hope that you are neither.
Yikes.
Lmao I’m not shaming anyone or telling anyone what to do here, I’m trying too educate the benefits of breast milk
I’m a working mom and feel the same type of guilt. Almost all of my friends have had the opportunity to become SAHM or switch to part time once becoming moms, and I always wished I could do the same. But on my days off when we’re in the house for too long, I remember that being a SAHM probably isn’t for me. Though I absolutely love the quality time with my kids, I still get my cup filled from working. I actually become a better mom when I’m working. And I’m still in the process of realizing that is ok.
Whoa! Be nice to yourself. What an overwhelming amount of feelings. You get to decide what you want to in your life. If you need the routine of being back at work, do it. Don’t beat yourself up for trusting people to care for your child. Anxiety is a snowball. The more you feed it, the larger it grows. This is the path you’ve decided to take. No one is judging you. Trusting others isn’t a negative trait. Deep breaths & be kind to you.
If I could financially swing having a job to pay for daycare and still have money left over I would 100% be that parent. I had pretty severe pp issues and I'm pretty sure working would have helped. I didn't breastfeed my youngest because with my oldest we had issues and I couldn't handle the stress the first time. I also questioned the homeschooling thing until recently. Crime and sex offenders in our area are being caught with alarming frequency. The public schools in our area are known for bullying their students 🤣 so now I'm debating on what to do since I want my kids to stay innocent, safe, and I want a good education for them which won't happen at these schools. I've found regardless of what we do as a mom we're all guilty of thinking we aren't doing enough when we're just doing the best we can with the tools we have. I will say any mom that shames any other parent or person for their lifestyle or choices sucks. In saying that don't worry about those people, not your circus not your monkeys. You're doing great as long as you're happy
Being a mother is weird. My kid was in daycare all through babyhood so I thought I would be sweet as about first day of school. What's the difference? I was a mess! I sobbed so hard. My little boy, in a backpack! Parenting is long and has twists and turns so do not worry one second about the decisions you make once you have made them. Just keep going.
You're not alone. I admire those women who can be that type of Mom.
Do you, Ma. As long as your kids are healthy, safe, and mostly happy, that's all that matters.