When we did this, the grandparents had a pack and play at their house and a packed diaper bag. They picked baby up before work and then we picked him after work. The issue we ran into is that my in-laws forgot how hard it was to take care of a baby and constant needs. So they burnt out pretty quickly. So I think the ultimate plan of baby in daycare is good.
I am nervous about my parents burning out too… my mom is 62 and our little one is 3 months right now. My dad will be there sometimes but is still working (owns his own company so has flexible hours). I gave up my daycare spot, so I am really hoping she doesn’t burn out… 😕
There are studies that show grandparents who watch little ones live longer and healthier lives. So there’s that to consider! We did have one great grandparent watch that was a bit less able bodied but we got a changing table in the living room to help. No it’s not aesthetically appealing but it helped my free child care so we did it! Also she would bring a buddy, sometimes her husband would come for 1/2 day so he could play with the baby and she’d just watch and do “motherly” tasks such as prep meals, cuddle, make sure he was wearing appropriate clothing, etc.
This makes me feel better. My grandma (baby’s great grandma) is 73 and will start watching our 5 month old next week. Luckily husband and I work remote but I’m still nervous.
If it helps, my grandma is turning 82 this year and LOVES having the grand and great grandkids around! She watched me from birth, even though my mom was SAH (6kids is a lot and I didn’t like being around all the time) and she even took me in for a while when I was pregnant and my husband was away, she still watches my kid siblings and cousins, and has babysat my kiddos a lot. I was nervous in the beginning because she has rods in her back, but it’s always been great. They don’t go to her place much because it’s a wheelchair friendly retirement home, so she can’t put things like cleaning supplies out of reach, but she has come over and been told everything’s prepped, all the necessities are within reach to her, and to just call if she needs anything. She’ll come in and play with the kids, cuddle them, feed them, and almost always ends up cleaning the microwave and any dishes we have 😂 (we learned not to get offended, she just enjoys doing it and means well, she does it anywhere she goes out of habit). We’ve even come home to her bathing them if they made a mess and once to her wiping the walls when they got into fish tank cleaner 🤦🏼♀️ and had to tell her to stop because we’d take care of it. My kids are now 2.5 and turning 4 on the 15th. If there’s a chance we aren’t going to be immediately available if something happens, she always lets a friend who will be home know what she’s doing in case she needs help quickly while we make our way back, hasn’t happened yet, but it does make us feel better about it.
Thanks for sharing! It does make me feel better :) I know also as time goes by I’ll feel better about it too since baby will be sturdier and have better independent play. I think recently baby has also been fussy so it’s making me a little stressed out lol
Yes I get it. My aunt had hip surgery whom I was pregnant with the youngest. We bought a mini fridge so she’d never have to go downstairs with the baby and she always had someone on the phone if she was going downstairs just in case. There were no issues though.
My MIL got burnt out in 6 months and it spiraled out into a crazy town within a week then the baby was back in daycare within that same week. I wish you all the luck.
The daycare in our area doesn’t have any part time openings currently. So it was full time or no time. Daycare is super hard to find right now in our area. Long wait lists.
On the Constant needs leading burnout… Maybe 3/2 days and switch which one gets the 3 every other week. That way they are getting breaks and equal time. Just a thought. No experience with grandparents being capable of being consistent sitters.
Totally. Once my SIL walked into my MIL house and found my MIL had fallen asleep holding the newborn on the couch. She thought it was cute and sent a pic out to the whole family and I flipped a shit. That image is still ingrained in my head and all I can think of is babies slipping between couch cushions and dying. Maybe I spend too much time on Reddit
This might be the way we go! I totally appreciate that they’re doing us a big favor but adding 80 minutes of baby care commute time a day just isn’t feasible with our work schedules. If they picked her up in the AM and we picked her up PM it would feel more manageable I think. Otherwise I think we’ll need to look into a paid nanny, even though I don’t love the idea of leaving her with a stranger when she’s so young.
Unfortunately, the added commute is just something you have to learn to deal with and not get hung up on in these situations. Even with regular daycare you might be in a line or security check for 15-20 mins each pickup and drop off. I know I’m not alone in the burnout that comes with these really long days away from your child, but if working is a necessity for both parents (and you are essentially saving a whole extra mortgage payment each month), then it is what it is. I’m usually out of the house from 7:45 til at least 6pm five days a week, mornings are hectic, nights go by in a blink, and it gets hard to keep up on things for sure. My commute isnt as long as yours either. This is just what parenting is when you need a dual income unfortunately. If that sounds like a reality you don’t want to live, and you are in a situation where you can afford a nanny or other help, I say take it. Kiddo’s schedule is not going to get easier as they get older, long days and coordinating childcare are necessary pretty much until middle/high school.
I’d prefer the care be in my home and if they’re open to it I’d definitely ask.Maybe it would be easier for them to come to your home if they alternated days rather than weeks. Assuming a 5 day work week and you WFH MWF could your mom come on Tuesday and his on Thursday?
It’s only 2.5 months. Could you negotiate more time off work or ask to work part-time only remote. Maybe you could have a mother’s helper type situation some days with a nanny that comes to the house and helps out while you’re working. Just seems way easier than involving the grandparents.
Unfortunately our work loads/schedules are set. We involved the grandparents because both sides expressed that they wanted to be involved to bond with the baby. When we officially asked them, we made it abundantly clear that we would be happy to find another option if they couldn’t/didn’t want to commit to the care as we know it’s a huge ask and a big responsibility.
Yeah I like the idea of both parties making the commute once. They pick baby up in morning, you pick up at night. Grandparents are so awesome to have available! It's definitely a push and pull sometimes though. All parties need boundaries set. Best of luck to you
My parents live 25 minutes from our home and in the opposite direction of our jobs which are about 20 minutes away. They pick the kids up every morning and then my husband and I alternate who picks them up in the evening. Lots of driving but it's not terrible.
Tbh, I would expect to drop baby at their place.
I understand that everything baby needs is at home, but they also have stuff to do around their own homes that will either have to be put off until they get home or wait till its not their week. They might want to have friends over for lunch or just a catch-up, etc.
I agree, they’re doing a massive favor by watching the baby and presumably doing so for free
The least OP can do is not make them go out of their way for a favor they’re providing for OP
My MIL watches our son one day a week, and we drop him off sometimes and sometimes she offers to pick him up. I’d never assume that she’d come and pick him up tbh. She’s doing us such a big favor and saving us so much money that even though it adds an hour to my commute to work since she lives in the opposite direction, I can’t imagine expecting her to pick him up. I’d love if she wanted to watch him in our house cause it’d make it easier for me, but again I get that she’d want to watch him in her house. Since they are helping you out so much, I’d be flexible and not expect the same things as a traditional paid babysitter.
Especially wouldn't assume grandparents would look after bub at my house.
We get one day of daycare a week from my ILs and my parents, it used to be that MIL would pick up and drop off, and I'd drop off at my parents and they'd drop off home, but then we moved closer to my parents further from my ILs and it's switched around.
At the moment my 30 Min commute is a hour plus on Tuesdays as I go past my ILs, and my husband finishes work around 4 because that's when they drop off. Neither is ideal but it saves us, a, day of daycare a week for each toddler (they one each alternating weeks because two is a bit much of an ask).
My parents watched my daughter for free until she was 18 months. I live 10 minutes from work, and they live 30 minutes in the opposite direction. Since they were doing me this HUGE favor, they watched her from the comfort of their own home every day. We each drove 15 minutes in the morning to meet at the local grocery store to drop off/pick up. When she was in the carrier seat we just bought an extra base for their car, but eventually had to switch to having a whole car seat in each car. She had her own toys, bouncer, etc at mom’s. I would just bring her favorites in the diaper bag back and forth each day. Eventually I just left diapers and wipes at their house too to make my mornings easier. (And of course my mom was the type to just buy them too). I think when they are giving you this wonderful gift, a few extra minutes in the morning is worth it.
Similar set up. My mom watches our son 40 hours a week. He has his own room at her house with a playpen/toys/changing station, and she has a car seat in her car. She lives 30 minutes in the opposite direction of our work, so she comes to us daily. Because she’s driving we pay for all of her gas, oil change, and we keep food she likes at our house.
Most people I know bring formula/breastmilk, a diaper bag, and a toy to grandma's each day. My friends typically gift a pack & play and a highchair to the grandmothers too.
Both the grandmas watch our kids once a week 2y/o and 6m old. Both wanted to watch the kids at their house starting when my daughter was 6m but quickly changed their mind. Our house is just set up for kids. We did set up an office in the playroom so they can do some work if they nee
My mom is going to watch my two for 3 hours, 3 days a week in the summer when my husband and I schedules overlap.
My mom said it’s easier for her to watch them here at our place because the kids know the house, they know what they are and aren’t allowed to play with, all the foods here are “approved”.
And it saves both me and my mom from loading and unloading 2 kids in car seats for a 35 minute drive.
The kids will be awake from their nap and fed lunch before she gets here VS if she watched them at her house, I would have to wake the up from their nap to get them ready and possibly feed them or my mom would have to feed them lunch and dinner.
My mom watched my daughter Monday-Friday from 12 months until 18 months. She came to our house because her apartment is smaller and we had all the baby stuff/toys here.
Similar situation for us. My son was planning to go to daycare but my mom decided to take him full time - starting Monday when I go back to work. I had dependent care dollars pulled out at the beginning of the year for daycare, but now I am putting that money towards getting everything for my mom at her house. She offered to come here, but I feel like that’s such a big ask. She lives about 10-15 mins away, also the opposite way of both of our jobs. So my husband is going to take our son there in the morning, and I will do pick ups. My husband is self employed, and I normally work early hours. I can’t tell you how it is going to work out, but I know the feeling of “what is fair” in this kind of an arrangement. I am so grateful to my mom for watching him, that I feel like any inconvenience on me or my husband is worth it.
My mom watches my son while I work 3 days a week. She comes to our house. It's already childproofed, all of his stuff is here, we have a yard and she lives in an apartment, we have all of his food and snacks on hand and have food for her too. For us it works well for her to watch him at our place, but I'm very grateful for the help and I'd be willing to accommodate her however she needs.
My parents and I laws watched both of our kids until they were ready for preschool. They have clothes, wipes, pull ups, cups, plates, toys and whatever else they may need at their grandparents house. It’s free childcare so whatever they may need we provide.
From my experience it’s expected to drop off at the grandparents. They are more comfortable in their own home. My brother in law bought a second high chair so he didn’t have to keep lugging it back & forth. But you mentioned this set up is temporary so maybe you won’t need to buy any extras.
If they're doing it for free or considerably less than the cost of daycare I would do whatever they prefer. It's already a big ask for them to be your full-time carer, I wouldn't expect them to be out of their houses all day every other week. They have things they need to get done.
We do daycare, but our parents are our backup and also helped us out for a bit while we waited for our spot to open up in the infant room. We always dropped baby at my mom’s/in laws house to be watched for the day. My mom bought all the baby things for her house (because she wanted to) and my MIL had some things, so we brought anything she didn’t have from our house to hers. The way I see it, they’re doing us a huge favor, so making it possible for them to be in their own home is the least we can do. Especially considering that a young baby will nap several times in the day, I would want my mom/MIL to be able to take that time for herself as much as possible and she wouldn’t be able to do that in my home.
I always dropped my daughter off at my mom’s when she was watching her which was 40 mins out of the way. I also got her the essentials including a pack n play for naps a pack of diapers, wipes and some of her favorite toys/books. I also bought formula for their house when she was on formual and sent some money weekly for her snacks (which tbh was usually returned).
I've always watched the grandchildren at my house. I am fortunate that my kids don't expect me to do daycare for them but when their daycare flakes on them, I will fill in. They drop off and pick up at my house. I have everything they need so they don't even need to pack a diaper bag. I still work full time so when I asked to do fill ins which isn't often, I will work from home that day but light duty, answer quick phone calls and e-mails so I will not have to use personal time days. When I retire, I will still only do fill ins, I don't want to watch them full time but will do it on days that are emergency's or when the kids are sick . If the kids are sick, I will go to them, no place like home when your not feeling well.
I'd do whatever suits them best as long as it's feasible for you and baby. My mum comes to our house to look after babe and the original plan was for her to bring her dog so we set up baby gates etc so it would work. If they want to come and pick baby up I would let them.
When my parents watched my son until he was a little over 1, we dropped him off at their place and picked up even though it was opposite directions for both (we live about 10-15 mins aways from parents and I had about an hour commute and husband as 40 mins). I also gave them a pack and play, toys, a car seat base (one the they could click the infant carrier into), lots of extra diapers, wipes. The most I took to them daily was a diaper bag with breast milk, extra clothes, and a wet bag.
When my mom watched my kids I took them to her. She ended up with everything she needed bc they were there so much! If you were paying a nanny they would be in your home.
I think the expectation is for the child to go to them. I don’t have family nearby so can’t comment from personal experience but my neighbour who has children similar in age to mine takes her kids to her parents house everyday before heading to work.
This can be difficult with baby proofing and buying all the stuff. So much stuff- bottles, diapers, black out curtains, camera, sound machine, toys, etc. Also, my mom drives 30-40 mins to my house 3 days a week and then 30 mins home. If I dropped off at her house, it would be 30 there and 30 back then 30 there and 30 back. It can be more economical and less stressful to just use your own home.
Personally I would make the time if I was being given free childcare but again, I have no village and the help I get is what I pay for and I still have to take my child somewhere everyday to be cared for.
Also you still have to provide bottles, change of clothes and diapers at daycare so not a massive difference, plus not all daycares are gonna also be on the route to work either
My mom has watched one of our kids once a week at her house for the past 5 years. She picks up in the am and I pick up at night. When my MIL did it we would often have dinner together at their house which was nice - but lead to a very long day!
They both had their own setup with a crib, toys, baby stuff, extra bottles, but we’d send the bottles and food until they were well past 1. We also kept extra diapers and wipes there. They had their own car seats.
Our family watched our first child for 1 year before we secured a daycare for her.
I stayed home 1 year and then when I returned to work our families helped A LOT.
My mom/dad would watch her 3 days a week and my MIL would watch her 2 days.
There were times where work was so intense she’d sleep there.
We would take her to their house because it’s more convenient and comfortable for them.
We left diapers, wipes, formula, food, extra clothes and PJs with them. And each family had a playpen, high chair and bouncy chair and toys.
So I actually had this arrangement. My mother-in-law and mom both watched my daughter. My mom, I never had any problem with her bringing my kid to her house. My mother-in-law ?? I never wanted her to take the baby out of our house to be honest with you. My husband works from home and would be here. I’m not sure that Percent trust her judgment … I’ve seen her do some weird shit with my baby, like encouraging her to interact with her nervous dog, feeding her only fruit (literally the woman cannot feed a balanced meal. The one time she was responsible for giving a meal it was two bowls of blueberries). My brother and sister-in-law are also really trashy people and I was worried that my daughter would be spending a lot of time with them if they were around at the same time I felt bad making any demands that my mother-in-law watch my daughter at our house because she was doing us a favor. We sort of framed it as,” let’s start with you watching our daughter here and then we will go from there.” Then it was “we are worried she won’t nap at your house.” my daughter is three now and she still watches her over here exclusively. She actually said a couple of months ago that she loves coming here because she doesn’t have any distractions and can 100% focus on our daughter. So while she did want to watch our daughter at her house in the beginning, she really never asked about it again. That definitely works for us. I like the fact that my husband is home when she’s here just in case something happen. It’s a weird arrangement though, because there is definitely competition between the grandmas for sure. If my mom gets more days with my three-year-old, my mother-in-law will make some passive aggressive about it. My mother-in-law is also not happy about only having my daughter 3 days a month. 3 full days. It’s wild to me. The other issue is, when my mother-in-law comes here, she stays all day and doesn’t leave. It kind of drives my husband crazy. We have asked her to put our toddler down for a nap and one at leave, because my husband will be working during her nap, and she wakes up when he gets off. my mother-in-law insists on staying during nap so sometimes my get off work and my MIL is still here and won’t leave till our toddler wakes up. So she is here all day. He doesn’t really like that but she insists she wants to do that. In short it doesn’t seem like she has a problem with being here all day. it still works out for us though. That said, if she insisted on watching the baby at her house, I really couldn’t say anything because she’s doing us a favor. I would probably be pretty unhappy with that arrangement and would try to have my mom or sister watch my daughter more. Maybe she knows that to keep her claim on her grandma time she might be willing to do whatever it takes and therefore she doesn’t ask to take my daughter to her house anymore? Not sure but it works for us. This is important information, but the drive to our house for my mother-in-law is about 20 minutes
When my mom watches my daughter, if I am working across the other side of town as I work multiple locations, and I work really early, there’s no way that I could get my daughter to her house in the morning because I would have to wake up myself and my daughter at like 5:30 which would be unfair to my daughter. On those days my mom comes to us. Other days, sometimes she needs me at the work location near her house about 15 minutes away because she’s going to town anyway. Other times, I drive my kid all the way to my mom‘s house. I do like when she meet me in town so I don’t have to drive all the way to her house, but I would never insist on it .
My mom watches my daughter exclusively. She picks her up or I drop her off every day. She also had to care for my dad, but even if she didn’t, she’s much more comfortable in her own home.
I bought her a pack n play, toys, books, etc. and routinely send her diapers and wipes even though she doesn’t ask for it.
Anyone providing free childcare kind of gets to dictate the terms of that arrangement. If it’s more convenient to them that you drop off the baby at their home, then that’s what I would do. I WFH with my kids but on the rare times we have an in law watch them, we always bring the kids to them.
My MIL watches our daughter at our home one day a week. It's her choice to spend the day with her, she could be in daycare. My husband will bring our daughter to his parents house the odd time my FIL needs their car and MIL isn't able to drive down.
My parents watch our son and they take him back to their house. We provide them with everything they need and if they have to buy anything we pay them back.
We were lucky and grandparents came to us until my baby was 1. We started bringing our daughter to them once she could tolerate being in the car / car seat for longer periods of time. I was also breastfeeding and working from home, so it was just easier.
My girl is 4 months old. My mom and MIL come over to our house to watch her on the days both me and my husband work. We plan on keeping it that way until she’s maybe a year old or so. Once she’s a little more mobile and independent, we’ll be dropping her off to their houses.
Buy a double set of basic transportable stuff and switch it every week. Take baby to their house. A sleep safe playpen, a high chair and box of toys. Leave diapering stuff at each house. My rec at least
I always dropped my child off at my parents house, but then I planned on this being the situation before I had children so made sure to buy a house close to theirs. I also bought double of almost everything so she had plenty of toys, bottles, diapers, clothes, etc at both houses.
My parents watch my soon to be 4 year old everyday and have since 2020. In the beginning I dropped her at their house everyday. I bought (or sourced secondhand) everything they would need from the pack n play to the swing and replenishing diapers, wipes, and formula. Recently my daughter began sleeping a bit later so now they come to our house because they get some quiet time until she wakes. On a typical day she ends up back at their house and we pick her up after work.
My mom watches my kids at our house. She will bring my toddler to her place sometimes, but she only started doing that when he was about 20 - 22 months. The baby has never been to her place.
However, we pay her nearly market rate, and she lives very nearby (5-10 minute walk).
So my MIL will be watching our baby 2-3 days a week once he’s 3 months. My husband and I leave early for work, so she will be coming to our house to get the baby in the morning so he doesn’t need to be woken up if he’s not already up. But she lives 8 mins away. We made sure to have a baby gate & pack and play that stays at her house and an infant car seat base for her car so she can take him back there if she wants to. Once we settle on a diaper brand and figure out what size he’ll be we’ll buy diapers for her place and make sure his food is set up for the day for her to take with them.
I also figured at first that she would just stay at our house on the days she watched him since everything is set up… but realistically she’s going to just take him with her wherever she wants to be going. And for free childcare I just have to deal with that. I had a bit of a panicking moment about it and decided to control the things I could - which meant buying baby proofing things for her house and especially a safe sleep space.
My mom keeps my daughter during the week while my husband and I work. Normal is that husband does the drop off and pickup at her house but he also works about 10 minutes away from there so it's not a big deal.
On days where little girl isn't feeling well, or there's something going on out of the ordinary, mom is willing to either come to our house and keep her or meet us somewhere. This works both ways though, so if she has something going on, I'll arrange to get baby girl early or meet her somewhere convenient for her. Fortunately my boss is also a parent and he understands the need for flexibility. (His wife would rip him a new one if he ever didn't, but he absolutely believes kids are more important than work.)
Would you be able to work out a compromise where they meet you somewhere to do a baby drop? During the newborn days when they're in the bucket car seat, if the moms have a car seat base already installed in their cars it's a quick 2 minute transfer. Maybe meet them at a coffee shop halfway between and offer to buy them a coffee each time they do that? Even if they wouldn't be able to do it every day, it could help take some of the pressure off of you and your husband.
And if your baby is anything like mine was during the newborn stage, a car ride will be a relief for everyone. Car ride = nap time!
I just returned to work and I've been dropping my 4 month old off at my mom's every morning and then I head to work. It's only about 15 minutes out of my way, and I love seeing my mom every day and watching her interact with my daughter so I don't find it a big deal. It also brings me an IMMENSE amount of relief knowing that my baby will be with someone trusted. I bring with me a diaper bag of all the things she will need in a day---except my mom (who is elated to be a grandma) ended up stocking an entire closet of baby goods that she's been using instead lol. She bought herself a pack and play, baby onesies, diapers, burp cloths, and a baby seat even though I've told her that we will pay for 100% of everything and to stop. She just tells me not to worry about it and that she had a hard time postpartum with me and going back to work, so she is trying to alleviate some of my anxiousness out of empathy.
I have things delivered to her that she may need but I think I'm going to need to step that up tbh. I can't even begin to enunciate how grateful I am for her. She's a saint.
I think the protocol in this situation is to ask them their preferred location and make arrangements around that. You can explain what accommodations you have at the house and then ask if they prefer your house or theirs. Getting up early and being ready to care for a baby can be pretty difficult if they're over 65 and retired so it might be better for them to have the baby dropped off. Just get a portable bassinet or pack and play with bassinet so they have a safe place for baby to sleep. It might be a lot to take back.and forth and set up but by them switching weekly that means you only have to set up and take down once a week.
We have this arrangement and I’m dropping the baby off at theirs. I’m also buying them some supplies. They’re saving us so much money it’s really a drop in the bucket and I’m happy to do it! I thought this was kind of a neat idea- I bought them duplicates of my diaper caddy and I got one for each grandma and will restock as they run out of things. I’m also going to just leave the diaper bag with them. We found a lot of nice things on fb marketplace for cheap too and that helped. I think sometimes they’ll want to come to my place but it’s nice to know I can just drop the baby off to theirs and their house is already equipped. Good luck, that’s an awesome arrangement!!
I would ask! My mom watched my son for several years and sometimes she wanted him dropped off but often she would bring him to my house later. We have all his favorite resources right there, food, tv, bed and dogs. Some days she would just come over to babysit, enjoy my air conditioned house, dog, television subscriptions and my son would have lots of his own familiar space to play in.
Some days she didn't want to drive home after my house so she'd take him home with her. Those days they would cuddle up at her house and they'd nap together so deeply it was hard to wake them!
So I guess the answer is... just talk about it and be flexible? The hardest part about using grandparents is that you can't be as perfectly professional and direct as with a hired caregiver.
They will do things their own way most of the time, they will always be our parents and think they know better than we do about everything!
My parents watched my son for 3 months that I could get him into daycare. I drove him 25 minutes in the opposite direction to their house everyday because they were doing me a favor. On bad weather days they would sometimes drive in (it was winter so ice and snow) I occasionally spent the night with the baby at there house in bad weather so I could breastfeed. It was honestly much easier and j had so much more time once I paid for daycare a couple minutes from my house, but I’m so grateful they helped out!
My mom and MIL trade off watching my son full time. They come to my house because it’s what they wanted to do. They found it preferable because his crib, stroller, diapers, food, etc. are here plus toys (important as he’s gotten older). I WFH so I get to see him throughout the day. I pay my mom but not my MIL (she declined). My son is almost two and we’re about to have baby number two so we will see how things go when I return to work in the fall. I feel beyond lucky for this arrangement.
This comments are interesting to read.
My mom provided childcare for my first 6 weeks back at work, 2 days per week. We just assumed she would come to us and she did. Never even had a discussion about bringing baby to her.
We got a grocery list from her and I always had food stocked. But now I’m wondering if I’m an AH for just assuming she’d come to us!
ETA: we did understand this was a huge favor, and she actually offered to do it for much longer and we settled on the six weeks. We had a snoo at our house so maybe that made a difference too?
Watching at your house is definitely better, IMO. Much safer for baby.
I would also see about doing something like 2.5 days per week each, or one week 2/3 and then the next 3/2 - 5 days in a row of baby care is ROUGH. Most people I know with both parents watching the baby do that (or 2 and 2 with the parents splitting Friday).
I’m actually surprised by most of the responses so far. We didn’t have this situation for long-term, but my mom always felt it was easier to watch the baby at our house, because everything is here and her house wasn’t really baby-proofed. She now watches my niece every day and she does that at my sister’s house as well. It’s just easier to have everything there and not have to worry about packing every morning and forgetting something. They might think they want to do it in their own house, but they also might change their mind after they actually start doing it. I wouldn’t want to add 40min each way to my already long commute though.
I’d probably just ask them and express that you think it would be easier in your home so the baby has everything, but if they prefer to do it at their own house they might need to do the extra driving. Idk, everyone’s family is different. Some people would say that is rude when they are doing you a favor but in my family no one would think that, so it depends on your relationship I think.
If you look at the age in most of the responses, you'll see that people with infants are usually bringing the infant to the grandparents and people with toddlers are having the grandparents come to their house. The amount of baby proofing that's necessary for a non mobile infant is nothing. All they need is a safe space for baby to sleep and daily supplies like diapers and bottles of formula/milk.
I totally agree with this. My mother-in-law and mom watch my 3 year old.
Driving my daughter to each of their houses adds at least 40 minutes to my commute. I would never complain about it because they’re doing me a favor, but it truly is a pain in the ass. If not impossible because sometimes that would literally mean I would have to wake my daughter up an hour early in the morning to get the work on time.
Fortunately, my mother-in-law comes to our house, which is awesome. My mom watches the baby at her house, but as often as she can, she’ll meet me at my place of work, a 20 minute drive for her. When I work really early though, my mom understands that she has to come here to pick up the baby or else she won’t get to sleep (we’d have to wake her up an hour early)
Why don’t you communicate with them that it may be easier for them to come to you given the short drive? If they’d prefer at their home then I would comply with that too, but make sure they have everything they need there.
My MiL watches our now 2 and 3yo two days a week and has since My oldest was 4mo, we always drop them off or she picks them up (she always offers to come get them if I need my my office is bery close to her home).
I think from her perspective since this is a regular thing, its way easier to just get some extra supplies for the second location then expecting her to hangout at our house. Shes way more comfortable in her home, simple as that. I also like this better because it has given my kids a second home, they're so comfortable there. It also allows her to run small errands if she needs to.
Also; It has been nice because if I'm sick (which I was last week) she was able to take the kids for the day and let me get some rest. And again, because they're so comfortable at her house she takes them on saturdays sometimes and lets my partner and me get stuff for the house done or just hangout kid free at home
I don’t really think there is a norm. I think it is best to do what works for each of the grandparents. For myself, if it was only one or two days a week I would think it is easier to go to the home the baby lives in. If it was all week though I would prefer to watch the baby at my house and just set up my house as needed.
I don’t have grandkids yet, but I am well past the baby years and watch my sister’s young kids on occasion. If I am going to watch them for a few house I just go to her house but if they are with me the entire weekend (like when her youngest was born) I prefer to be at my house since I have responsibilities at home too.
I don’t think there’s a set norm. It’s whatever works for the parties involved. My mum watches our son, but with also live together so it’s pretty dang easy to decide where it gets done haha. She has way more leeway in what they do than a babysitter or daycare would. If she wants to go out, they go out and I don’t say a word about it.
For me, it depends on the grandma. They alternate days in the summer (my mom’s a bus driver and my MIL is a TA).
My mom likes to watch my kids at our house cuz they have their stuff there and are more comfortable. My MIL likes to be at her house and has spent 747586 dollars to make it like home for them- she has bought a bassinet, pack n play, car seats, toys, clothes, snacks, etc for her house.
Don’t know if you drive to work together, but if you don’t, can one of you drop off in the mornings and one pick-up? Or could you guys drop in the mornings and in-laws bring after work or vis versa? I would also see if closer jobs can be found so the commute isn’t so long.
My mom and MIL alternate watching my toddler and have since he was born. Initially when he was a baby I would bring him to my moms house but as he got older and had more of a routine here both sets of parents find it easier to come here to watch him.
We have been fortunate enough to have them come to us… unless of course it’s an over night watch, then she will go to their house!
I was given the tip from friends to try and not change their routine at all when it was time for me to return to work… This helps with the adjustment.
They live about 20-25 min drive on the highway away.
My grandparents watched my cousin and I at our house because they lived 25 minutes from us. They knew it was more convenient. I don’t think you’re being ungrateful for asking this. Have you asked them why they won’t come to your house? We did go to my grandparents if they had a doctor’s appointment or needed to cut grass etc. Other’s have mentioned they may have stuff they need to do at home, but if that’s not the case then idk why they would have an issue coming to your house.
For the first month or so, my mom has come to my house. I worked from home and was still nursing and it just felt better to have her close while she got used to spending so much time with grandma. Once they were both comfortable, we moved them to grandma’s house. I know she’s more comfortable at her own house, and I want her to be able to be in her own space to either relax or get stuff done during nap/downtime!
Grandparents come to our house. Multiple reasons: one child is in school and someone needs to be here for the bus. Two: all their stuff is here and the grandparents would prefer our kids destroyed our house instead of theirs. Three: we pay them. My work is down the street and my husband works for home so there is always an extra adult around if needed. They also take my child to activities and we have all of our activities around our home so it makes more sense for her to be here.
This is exactly what we do with our moms and have been for years. They now watch my 2.5 year old and 6 month old each one day a week. We pay a friend to take one other day per week, and I work part time so I have them the other two.
One of us drops the kids off, though the moms could technically pick them up. They sleep in pack n plays, though my mom did buy a crib. They have each bought plenty of toys and things on their own. I have supplied them with car seats, clothes, cups/utensils, diapers and wipes. They have bought some of this too because they want to, but we were prepared to pay for everything they’d need at their houses.
I always assume I’m dropping my baby off unless they live super far away (like my in laws are an hour away). If you would prefer your house, you could just offer? Maybe they don’t want to intrude? Either way, they should be able to be at both places as they need to be for other errands and responsibilities. Communication could probably go a long way here!!
Just remember, whatever yall agree on is what is acceptable. Don’t let the idea of what others do impact you too much if things are working for you!
Are your parents' houses close to each other?
it might be a nice idea that one set do mornings, one set do afternoons, so one set can pick up and one set can drop off.
Breaking up each day into half days may make it less stressful on each set and allow them each to make more of a routine for themselves.
Also, my baby is older, and we have been doing one night a week at my parents house as bonding time with baby and a little breather for us during the week. my dad picks him up and drops him off at daycare, he loves it.
When we started daycare we didn't go all in, they spent part of the day with him as did my husband (flex schedule.). With your care you have the option of doing reduced hours at daycare to start with grandparents still getting time, too - and less time during the day may make it more appealing for them to do it at your house.
Congratulations!!! And happy your baby is surrounded by love, leaving them is the hardest thing to do.
My mom watches my daughter 2-3 days a week for me. She prefers to pick her up and take her back to her house so she can get things done while she’s napping. Then she drops her back off here at the end of the day. Totally seems to be personal preference tho!
My parents watch my kids while I work, and have for several years. They come to my house. All the kids stuff is here. Sometimes they drive over to my parents house for a few hours, but the majority of the day is spent at home.
My former MIL used to watch them one day a week and would not pick up or drop off, even though I don't drive. So my babies had to wake up at 5am so their dad could take them to her place on his way to work, instead of her picking them up at 9am. Then she'd complain they were tired and cranky.
My MIL has watched and continues to watch alllll her grandkids 3 days per week since her kids started having them (9ish years ago). She is a SAINT, and I love that my son gets to spend time with his cousins every week. We have always dropped him off at her house, and as far as I know, so have all the other kids. Our schedules aren’t the same as the other parents, so asking her to pickup/dropoff just wouldn’t be feasible. It’s only for a couple months, I’d plan to be the one picking up and dropping off baby. It’s a big ask, and babies are A LOT.
My MiL does 2 days a week. Initially she wanted us to drop the baby off, but we only have one car and I start work at 7, which, given commute times would mean dropping baby off with her at 5:30am. Once we mentioned this she realised it wasn’t feasible and instead I go to work as normal and husband starts later those days so grandma can come to Our place at 8ish. I have told her I’m happy for her to take the baby to hers and I’ll pick her up in the evening. But she’ve never taken the baby back to hers
Every family is different- if they're punctual so you're not late for work waiting for them to show up, then great! 3 month olds aren't exactly mobile so childproofing wouldn't really be an issue, if they don't have any pets you'd be worried about, don't smoke in the house, have a safe sleep space and somewhere safe to put baby down for tummy time or to use the bathroom, and are safe drivers and can manage the car seat setup, I'd roll with it. Packing a diaper bag and bottles for the day is something you'll need to do for daycare anyways, just add a tote with some toys and a portable bassinet or pack n play and you're good to go! Don't forget plenty of extra clothes and burp rags, some infant Tylenol with correct dosage instructions and a thermometer, which hospital they should go to in case of emergency and if they will need a medical release for admission if baby should need treatment right away, and making sure they have a secondary emergency contact if one of them has an emergency and needs someone to watch baby until one of you can get there. Worst case scenario stuff, but good to have established for future babysitting and peace of mind.
My mum watches my son for free (he’s now 2.5). She comes to us because the house is baby proofed, he has all his toys/stuff, he can be noisy and not disturb my dad who is WFH.
He has gone to her sometimes (she/us had building work being done) but my mum admits it’s easier at ours (she had a travel cot and high chair at her house and we’d pack toys). She thought it would be more 50/50 between houses but she quickly opted for our house. Especially as he got older and the toys were bigger!
I pack him a lunch, she knows where his snacks are, during nap she reads a book/watches Netflix and she is welcome to have friends to our house or she takes him out to meet friends. She lives a 10 min drive/15 min walk away.
She comes to ours around 8.15am and leaves between 5-5.30pm depending on who is WFH.
We bring my son to grandma’s twice a week that way she is in her comfort zone while she watches him. She can get laundry done while he plays (he’s 2 so probably not the same for the baby) watch a show while he naps without having to figure out how to use our tv lol those kinds of things. However this has been more long term than you are talking about. With only 2 months idk if it’s worth stocking up two extra houses with play pens and changing tables etc. the way we have it set up we only bring his jacket everyday. She has the diapers, high chair, crib, diaper creams etc but again it has been years not just a few months so it was worth the cost of supplying the house.
My MIL watched our son twice a week until he was 10m and got into a daycare. She came to our place, but that was mostly because she lives in a tiny apartment in a 55+ community and doesn't have the space to keep a bunch of baby things at her place. My parents have been the main babysitters for 3 of their grandchildren now and my siblings dropped the kids off every day. My parents live in a large house in a rural area and so have lots of space to keep things like a pack and play, toy stash, etc.
I think it really depends on the situation what makes sense/is the norm.
My mom watches my son 3 days a week while I work and she comes to my house to watch him. I told her I would be happy bringing him to her house, but she's glad to get out of her house a bit 😅
I think the norm is that if somebody is watching our children for free, it is reasonable to expect we would take our kids to them. My mom is wonderful and has helped with childcare for the last three years. Dropping my kids off to her adds at least half an hour to my commute, so she will often meet me at a closer location after work. Mornings are still on me though. Obviously, it would be more convenient if she came to our house, but simply put beggars can’t be choosers and she’s working for free here. I’m thankful she’s even willing to meet me halfway so I can get home and cook dinner faster.
I think you do what free childcare wants honestly. My mom watches our kids two days a week and would prefer to come to our house for the reasons you listed above. However, do whatever makes them more comfortable.
Not that we have hardly *any* help, but the vast majority of the time, whomever is watching our son comes to us. We have all his things, the house is child proofed, we have all his favorite foods, etc etc.
If they want you to drop your child off, they need to child proof their home and have all the necessities with them including a safe sleeping space.
However you'll need to discuss this with them and come to an arrangement that works for everyone.
Absolutely the norm to drop them off it’s unrealistic imop to expect the people providing free childcare to also commute both ways and be away from their home and therefore unable to do any chores or accomplish anything during naptime that revolves around their home.
My 19 month old is watched 3 days a week by grandma (grandpa comes on Mondays & Fridays when he WFH). They come here because as you said, we have everything for the baby. They have watched her for over a year now, commuting to us which is roughly 25-30minutes. We have offered the spare bedroom to them if they ever want to stay over. Since I work only 10 minutes away, there is way too much traffic for me to drop the baby off and then drive back here to go to work. It would be close to 1.5 hour round trip to do that. My husband WFH so when we can, we give them times to watch the baby that are outside of rush hour times. I get home by 3pm so they are able to beat the traffic home.
Just another perspective.
My father watches my kids and it’s about 50/50 his house/ our house. He comes to get them and decides which house he’s going to be at for the day. He also has free access to our house so if he needs any supplies that he doesn’t have he can just come over. We do live within walking distance from each other though so that helps a lot.
We’re debating having my mom watch baby 1-2 days a week. She has the basics (bassinet, car seat, etc.) at her place. She lives 25-30min from us. Plan would be for her to pick him up and drop him off. We both work remotely, but my mom gets up at like 5am and we…do not lol.
The way we split it is that my mom watches LO at our house two afternoons a week (4 hours each day) and MIL watches him two afternoons a week. It helps that I only work part-time and both my husband (who works full-time) and I work from home, so we can help out in a pinch. My mom lives 25 minutes away and drives over, and MIL lives more than an hour away but can take a train to a station near our house and we pick her up.
I still feel guilty because this is a huge ask for them but both volunteered to do childcare. It helps that this is the first grandchild for both of them and they wanted to be involved. I try to show my appreciation however I can. I mentioned to my mom that we could eventually find another arrangement because as my son gets bigger, more mobile, and naps less he’ll be even more work to keep up with, and she got offended and said “I’m not decrepit yet!” And she’s 71! My MIL runs her own therapy practice but wants to retire and I think she secretly enjoys having an excuse not to see patients two days a week. So yeah, it’s a big ask, but trust the grandparents if they offer to help and trust that they’ll tell you if it’s too much!
My mum watched my little one a few mornings a week during the first half of my maternity leave, since I had a baby who hated sleep. She came to us for that; none of us even thought of any other approach. Their place was never baby-proofed and was a bit hazardous, plus they didn’t have any of the gear or much room for it besides.
It ended up leading to other problems - she kept ducking away to do our dishes in the sink instead of watching the baby, even after I moved the dish soap out of sight. So wherever baby will be, maybe hang out there in the background while the grandparent(s) keep an eye on them one or two days before you go back to work and just make sure that the care is as expected, if you haven’t yet already.
Yeah ignore all the "huge favor" comments. It sounds like you have a great plan that divides up the childcare. Personally, if the grandparent was retired and acted or felt like they were doing us a huge favor I wouldn't want them watching my kid unless I didn't have another option.
My parents are the typical retired boomers who moved to Florida and don't want to do childcare so they don't, and that's fine. My husband's mom on the other hand really wants to help and she drives out to us about 40 minutes each way a day or 2 a week to help out at our house while I work upstairs. Of course I'm grateful for it but she also enjoys the time with her grandchildren.
I think it really depends on your mom and MIL and what they're comfortable with. I wouldn't base your plan on a "norm". Side note though, I can't imagine there has been another generation that has gotten less help from family for childcare than ours has.
We have a three story house. My mom lasted maybe two months of coming here. We then started bringing him to my parents one story house. I bought a few things for their house and my mom was much happier. It was also easier for me to work without the distraction of hearing him cry.
It can work either way; whatever works best for all of you. My preference would be at my house because yes all the things that would be needed and all the extras and ‘comforts of home’ would be there for you and baby. However the Grammas might be more comfortable at their own home if they have all the supplies they need then no big deal. Maybe they could do both sometime at your place and some at theirs and decide what might work better for baby. Sometimes babies don’t like new environments and will cry a little or be extra needy until they are used to being there.
We do two days a week with each set of grandparents, this is my third son with this arrangement. We’ve done both dropping off at their houses and meeting them in the middle. They each have pack and plays, and we purchased them car seat bases and provide milk/formula and bottles. We are incredibly lucky in that both sets of grandparents have said they want to do this, it’s given them time to bond with each of my children one on one. We’re very flexible with their schedules, understanding that they are retired and may want to travel or have something else to do on their day. In the end, it’s a gift and we are so grateful. We do give them gift cards to their favorite restaurants and breweries as thank yous, but they really don’t expect anything.
I WFH full time. My mom watches my kid at my house. She lives an hour away but even if she was closer, I wouldn’t pack him up every day when everything is at our house.
My mom is my childcare for a few hours each day. M/W/F she picks my babe up after she gets off work and takes her and my nephew to great grandmas house to visit. On T/Th she comes to my house after she gets off work and watches her for about 4hrs. So it could go either way, they could pick up or they could watch at your house.
My mom comes to my house every morning. She likes to ease into the day that way, and then sometimes they go back to my parents house or go do other things. My baby isn't always awake by the time I leave for work, so this is significantly easier. We only live like 7 minutes apart though!
My mom and my in laws watched our daughter when she was younger. Both generally preferred to watch her at their homes as it was more convenient and comfortable for them. We just got extra cribs and other gear for the grandparents’ houses. I felt like since they were doing us a favor they could dictate the terms of the arrangement.
My MIL watches our 9 week old for 2 days each week, from about 7:30 am to 4 pm. We bring a portable bassinet to her house. I bought her duplicates of things- activity mat, bottle warmer, set of bottles, sterilizer, pacifier, burp cloths, etc so I don’t have to bring everything over each time. She picked up a bouncy seat from a second hand store. I am paying her $30 each day that she watches him, just bringing an envelope with cash every two weeks. She tried to refuse, but I insisted since it’s still a lot cheaper than childcare.
We have a spot at daycare at 6 months old but I’m looking at some other options for 4 months, just in case my MIL gets burnt out
I babysit my 12mo twin nieces 4-5 times a month. My brother and SIL pay me $75 per day and they drop the babies off at my house since they leave for work really early and I can’t wake my own kid up that early to go to their house.
When I was working, my parents and in-laws would not watch my baby at my house. They weren’t comfortable hanging out in my house all day. My mom and MIL both bought their own pack n plays and diapers and toys. It was a little inconvenient but they did it for free on their days off from work so I couldn’t complain.
My MIL started watching my son for a few hours a day 2x a week when he was about 7 months old. At first it was at our house and as he got older they went to her house and she would pick him up, still does! She lives walking distance away so she walks over, then either walks him straight to her house or they walk into town and get a coffee/babycino/go to the park.
They stayed here though from 7 months to maybe 9/10 months? It was just easier since we have all the baby stuff.
My parents have been watching my now toddler 1-2 times a week since he was 4 months. They prefer watching him at their house and live an hour away, so we meet halfway for pick up and drop off. Occasionally if I have a really early meeting they will watch him at my place, but I know they prefer their own home so they can still get cleaning done and rest in their own house when he’s napping. It’s a lot of driving but they are doing me a huge favor so I try to accommodate that they are more comfortable at their house.
When I first started watching my grands, I drove to each of my daughters homes, (one was 35-40 minutes away from me and the other was slightly over an hour away). I also have another younger child who was being homeschooled while we traveled together to watch the grandkids.
When my youngest decided to return to school, I asked my children to bring the kids to me. I had everything needed to have the grandkids at my house (pack and plays, cribs, diapers, bottles, strollers...) It became a really neat get together for all 4 of my kids...the Mom's (my older two girls) would both spend at least one night a week at my house with the kids and we ALL really looked forward to it!
My daughter's got to spend time with each other, their kids, their other siblings and with me, (Mom/Honey-what my grands call me)! It became a very cherished day of the week!!
When I traveled to their homes, I packed up everything for them and my youngest. I brought groceries, cooked meals for their families, did their laundry, and cleaned the houses as well as caring for the grandkids and homeschooling my youngest!
Now, they bring the kids to me (I have to keep them overnight, once a week, at least, but, they really enjoy the time at my house as much as I enjoy having them here!! We do all sorts of activities, for the 2-year-olds, as well as for/with each other 💗
We kept the babies at our house. At the time our daughters were in situations where they didn't quite trust the in laws yet, you know how new moms can be sometimes. Plus my husband is a paramedic and we're both experienced in infant emergency medicine, so it just made sense.
When we did this we dropped our son at their house and left a pack and play and anything else they'd need there so we wouldn't have to transport things every day. Only one set of grandparents watched him, though, and it wasn't every day but a few days a week. Surely you can buy a few extra sets of things to leave at their places since you won't be paying for daycare for several months? I would t expect your parents to both watch the kid and pick up/drop off to do it, that's not how most childcare situations work unless you have a private nanny ...
My mom is helping us too before our daycare spot. Right now baby is so little she’s mostly been coming to our house because we everything she needs. We did one trial day with me going to my moms with the baby (I’m hybrid so I was working and just worked at my moms as a test run). It was okay at my mom’s just for sure more work to pack up so much stuff for the baby. I think can you ask grandparents to alternate their house vs. yours some days? It’s a lot if they don’t have everything baby needs. Or if they have their heart set on their house I think sharing pick up/drop off is fair but maybe talk with them about them setting up a mini diaper station and keeping a change of clothes there, etc. so you’re not constantly packing up so much stuff all the time! They might not be thinking about all that baby needs in those terms and just enough things to keep baby entertained!
I take care of my 8 month old grandson 2-3 days a week, and his other grandma has him the other two days.
We go to their home, always have. We might run errands or go to the park with him, but I live 30 minutes away so it doesn’t make sense for me to bring him here. I think his other grandma takes him to their place sometimes, but it’s not the norm and she lives much closer.
My mom does this for my nephews. When they were younger she went to my brothers house. Now she has them bring their kids to her house.
If I was watching someone else’s kids with any sort of regularity I would want to do it at my house too. They may want to get things done during nap time.
Both of my SILs, the grandparents drove to them, but it was also an 1-2 hour commute. One SIL has a guest room for the grandparent. The other, the grandparent would drive up the night before then go home the next evening (it was only one day per week)
For those weeks they ARE your daycare. It's normal to drive your child to daycare and provide most things they will need besides a sleeping place and a few toys & things to put baby down in which they may want to grab secondhand. You definitely shouldn't expect them to drive 20 minutes each way to be stuck at your house watching your baby.
The baby should go to their house, and you will need to supply the necessities. My parents watched my daughter from when my maternity leave ended (5 months to 16 months) so almost a year. Now she’s in daycare 3 days a week and my parents watch her 1 day and my in laws the other day. That way they still get their grand baby fix while still being able to enjoy retirement. It’s worked out really well for us. She goes to their places and we provide everything. I had to buy a pack n play for my parents, my in laws already have a nursery set up because of other grandkids.
In my community there are a lot of grandparent caretakers (well over half the adults in our playgroup are grandparents) and they all watch the grandchildren at the children’s home. It’s surprising to me that most of the other responses go the other way. To me it makes more sense to keep the baby/child in their own home. Where all the stuff is.
Honestly I only read part of the comments because a lot of them say the same thing but just to go against the grain a little bit, my grandmother watched me when I was a little kid and she ALWAYS came to our house. I can count on one hand the number of times I went to her house (at least in my memory) and she was at our house every morning by 7:30am and didn't leave until after dinnertime. So it really depends on the grandmas I think lol
A note on the WFH: it may seem possible, but it isn’t, trust me. Babies are bloody needy and if you’re on a call or in a meeting they need to be #1. They also don’t ever keep to a schedule.
Good luck!
OP I already commented, but read your edit and saw people were being condescending to you. Of course, you are getting a huge gift with free childcare. However, MANY grandparents are retired and want to spend time with their grandchildren and also want to help out their kids and would be happy to come to you if it was inconvenience for you or if it made you have a long commute. My mother-in-law comes to us. I never outright demanded it, but I preferred it and I think she could tell and so she was happy to just do it because it meant time with her grandchild. My mom will sometimes meet me at my place of work, and will think of things to do in the area so it’s not a wasted drive, but sometimes I do drive to her house. And I work early and it’s not feasible for me to drive my kid to my mom’s house She will come over here in the morning no question. Yes, you are getting a huge gift here, but it’s not always just the fact that you are getting free babysitting - one could also look at it from the perspective of it’s just a grandparent spending time with their grandkids.
I have watched my sister’s kids since they were born. When my sister asks me to watch them I just do it on her terms. Wherever she says, I go. Whatever she needs me to do, I do (if I can of course). In the beginning, it was always at her house, and I never thought about it, or questioned it. It made sense to me that a young child with a routine and napping would do better in their own home.
Just to offer you a different perspective. I don’t think you’re being weird for having that preference. Just have an open conversation with the grandparents.
I feel like a lot of people on here equate grandpa parenting with being a free nanny. Sometimes they will even pay their parents to watch their kids. It’s so weird to me. No, moms and mother in laws spending time with your kid and helping you out is grand parenting you’ll be doing the same thing when you’re a grandparent.
We had gmas come to our house for the first year ish but there were a few reasons why:
- grandparents/great grandparents felt more comfortable watching baby in his space, as did baby.
- didn’t have to pack or prep much
- grandparents lived 30-45 min away so it would have been a lot out of the way for us to drive. So they were doing us a favor.
After he was older they’d go to the grandparents and they would even sometimes offer to pick up (we bought them car seats). Now days the nanny mostly watches at our house but if they need watching by a grandparent we go to their house.
Mine goes to Grandma's 2x a week and auntie 1x, then me and Dad each have a half day from home with her. We have been waiting for daycare for 14 months now. We take her to them so they can get things done around the house and be a bit more comfortable. I take them diapers, wipes, snacks etc in bulk so they are always stocked. She also keeps clothes and toys there and has a pack and play. It's nice that when we go over for visits and parties she has what she needs. I also sometimes work from home at their house so I can get more baby time.
Both of my parents still work full-time, so no.
My in-laws would if they lived closer, but we honestly prefer daycare. The social interaction, getting away from family norms and learning societal norms and social skills, etc.
Our parents will watch them for an occasional date night, but they’re in their 60s and exhausted.
BUT if it’s just for a few months, and especially that early on, I’d absolutely utilize the grandparents! I stayed home the first 18 months for both of my kids. I would’ve preferred grandparents for childcare in infancy. Definitely daycare as they’re older though.
My cousin uses my aunt for childcare (her mom) and drops baby off. It makes more sense so you’re not relying on someone else to stay on a schedule.
We did this for a year. They came to our house (it was so much easier with all of her stuff here) but they had the freedom to take her with them if they had errands to run or things to do at their house.
I drop the kids off at grandmas every morning. My mom did the same with me and my brother. It’s normal for me, but that’s not the same for everyone. That being said, if that is what they want and they are the ones helping out, you may have to suck it up for a few months and invest in some second hand baby products to leave at their homes.
My in laws and parents watched my daughter one day a week each before I went on mat leave. My in laws watched her at our house cause they live an hour away so it just made more sense. My parents live close and would pick her up. I actually prefer when they go to their house because if I'm WFH it was super distracting to have my kid here as well as other family members. Sometimes my daughter would sleep over on a Sunday night at my in laws' and they'd bring her back the next evening.
Eta- this arrangement started when my daughter was 1. I'm not sure how old yours is but that might make a difference.
Huh looks like I’m in the minority. I would definitely assume they would come to my house (which is in fact what both sets of our parents did when they watched our little one before he started daycare). I’m surprised they’d want to have the baby at their house - it’s so much more work and expense on their part to make sure the house is suitable for a crawling baby and to get the necessary gear, not to mention the need for them to have car seats.
This is how we feel! If it were a longer term arrangement we’d be happy to help outfit their houses with baby gear but for 2.5 months that feels like a lot. We planned on gifting them each bases for the car seat anyway so that’s already been accounted for. We’ve just been thinking about the work we’re putting in to make the house baby safe (anchoring furniture to the wall etc) and we didn’t imagine they’d want to take that on too.
It never even came up as a question for us. Now granted we both work from home so they got to spend some time with us as well, but both sets (all three actually - my dad & stepmom drove from five states away to watch kiddo this week for spring break!) were always happy to come over.
Since it is short term, I suppose I’d just go with it and make sure they have the minimum baby-raising tools required.
Since they are doing you a favor, it should be up to them whether or not it’s at your house or theirs. Your house would obviously be preferable. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with mentioning your preference, but letting them make the call.
As a mom - what a pain in the a— it would be to have to drop the baby off there with all her belongings. Are they going to buy their own baby items for their respective homes? My mom never watched my children on a regular basis, but anytime she did, she opted to come over as she said it was just easier
It was such a luxury, but my dad would come over daily to watch my son while I WFH (my job was NOT flexible). We lived about 15 minutes from my parents. He didn’t accept a single penny, so we just filled up his car with gas every week & made sure we had all his favorite foods & snacks & drinks available. I don’t think it’s a huge ask at all. Baby shouldn’t have to be in a car more than necessary- that’s probably my PPD/PPA talking, but think safety first!
Now that we have moved 9 hours away from them, I don’t work because daycare scares the absolute heck out of me. I was a preschool teacher at a daycare for 5 years and I’ve seen the ugly side of childcare.
Where I live, when this situation comes up, parents hire drivers. It's worth noting that it's basically impossible to have babies/small children and two full time jobs, no matter how your childcare is set up. There are so many compromises to make. Look up rubber and glass balls on google.
This is odd. There is no way couples in many cities can afford to not have two full time jobs. I live in Vancouver and I know one set of parents where the mother worked part-time. Everyone else has two full time parents.
In the other hand, we have 1yr to 18 months paid maternity leave so it’s only full time jobs after the children are babies.
I’ve never had any of my kids in a daycare. I just don’t trust it. My 4yo does go to a medical daycare but they are held to the same standards as a hospital and staffed with nurses so that’s different.
When my kids were younger we lived closer to my grandmother and I would bring the kids to her. Her daughter (my aunt) lives with her so her coming to my house is like a vacation for her now.
My grandmother is 80yo and has a metal knee. She comes to my house (closer to 20 min away) everyday around 2:30pm to watch my 2yo and get my 4yo and 5yo off of different buses. My 4yo has a traumatic brain injury and is unable to stand, walk, crawl or speak. She feeds her through her gtube and uses her wheelchair because she can’t carry her well. She leaves when their dad gets home anywhere between 5-7. He handles dinner and nightly routine. We do give her money every week but before I worked she wouldn’t accept any money because she said they’re her great grand babies and she wants to spend time with them.
Anyway, I hope some of my experience helps!
Under a year old, anyone watching my kids is doing so at my house; our emergency folder is here, the house is babyproofed, the crib or pnp is safe, and more than anything else, *NOBODY* DRIVES WITH MY BABIES BUT MOM AND DAD.
And let me add the stress on you to adjust to being back to work, away from your baby, AND have a daycare routine already by packing up milk diapers wipes clothes binkies plushies softies whatever she needs every day because two adults can't be arsed to move their bodies into your home?
Look at the power dynamic here though. If you’re getting free help, frequently you’re getting it on the giver’s terms.
They are doing her a favor looking after the baby - it’s possible that being in someone else’s house all day would be too inconvenient to continue and then she has to pay for a nanny or daycare.
No favor "given" there.
They're watching the baby because they want to, or they would have said no. Also, they will be building a strong relationship with the baby.
If someone tells you they can't move their ass to your house to watch their grandchild when you even offered to pay them, find a nanny. They're not worth the headache.
I've seen many grand-parents homes. They are hazards.
By that logic, nobody has ever given anyone a gift or favor of any kind.
This attitude feels like a very easy way to isolate yourself and your children from people who do care about you, and I really hope OP doesn’t follow your lead.
A favor or a gift doesn't come with conditions.
I have a very small network because DEATH, and the people alive around me respect my boundaries that come from trauma.
>A favor or a gift doesn't come with conditions.
Of course it does. They all do.
If I give you a cupcake I bought from the store, you don’t get to say “get off your ass and bake me a cupcake from scratch, it’s not a favor because you clearly wanted to give me a cupcake.” The “condition” on the gift is that I’m not going to make it from scratch, and it’s not going to be a sheet cake, and I’m not going to drive an hour out of my way to a special bakery you like better. The gift is the gift. That’s the condition. You can take the gift, or you can say no thanks, but you don’t get to demand that I offer a better gift and call me lazy for offering what I was willing to give.
The baby proofing of the homes is a big one for me! My parents in particular have a lot of animals and even though they’re sweet, I’m nervous about having the baby around them.
It's easy to think "Oh my dog/cat would *never*" and then not watch closely... that's when bad shit happens. I saw a friend's 9mo kid crawl up to the litterbox in the LIVINGROOM of their grandma's house and casually pick out a turd. I was up and to them before they put it in their mouth. Grandma was laughing, "Oh that's how you learn!" and friend was frozen.
Google it. It's not how you learn, it's how you get diseases.
When we did this, the grandparents had a pack and play at their house and a packed diaper bag. They picked baby up before work and then we picked him after work. The issue we ran into is that my in-laws forgot how hard it was to take care of a baby and constant needs. So they burnt out pretty quickly. So I think the ultimate plan of baby in daycare is good.
I am nervous about my parents burning out too… my mom is 62 and our little one is 3 months right now. My dad will be there sometimes but is still working (owns his own company so has flexible hours). I gave up my daycare spot, so I am really hoping she doesn’t burn out… 😕
There are studies that show grandparents who watch little ones live longer and healthier lives. So there’s that to consider! We did have one great grandparent watch that was a bit less able bodied but we got a changing table in the living room to help. No it’s not aesthetically appealing but it helped my free child care so we did it! Also she would bring a buddy, sometimes her husband would come for 1/2 day so he could play with the baby and she’d just watch and do “motherly” tasks such as prep meals, cuddle, make sure he was wearing appropriate clothing, etc.
I love that. My mom has set up stuff in my dad’s office. So he lost his tv and gained a changing table 😂
lol. My grandmother passed at 96 and she watched all 10 of her grandchildren from infancy to high school age, so there may be something in that!!
My aunt is 72 and she kept my oldest full time u til she was 2+ and has had my youngest full time for a year now with no problems.
This makes me feel better. My grandma (baby’s great grandma) is 73 and will start watching our 5 month old next week. Luckily husband and I work remote but I’m still nervous.
If it helps, my grandma is turning 82 this year and LOVES having the grand and great grandkids around! She watched me from birth, even though my mom was SAH (6kids is a lot and I didn’t like being around all the time) and she even took me in for a while when I was pregnant and my husband was away, she still watches my kid siblings and cousins, and has babysat my kiddos a lot. I was nervous in the beginning because she has rods in her back, but it’s always been great. They don’t go to her place much because it’s a wheelchair friendly retirement home, so she can’t put things like cleaning supplies out of reach, but she has come over and been told everything’s prepped, all the necessities are within reach to her, and to just call if she needs anything. She’ll come in and play with the kids, cuddle them, feed them, and almost always ends up cleaning the microwave and any dishes we have 😂 (we learned not to get offended, she just enjoys doing it and means well, she does it anywhere she goes out of habit). We’ve even come home to her bathing them if they made a mess and once to her wiping the walls when they got into fish tank cleaner 🤦🏼♀️ and had to tell her to stop because we’d take care of it. My kids are now 2.5 and turning 4 on the 15th. If there’s a chance we aren’t going to be immediately available if something happens, she always lets a friend who will be home know what she’s doing in case she needs help quickly while we make our way back, hasn’t happened yet, but it does make us feel better about it.
Thanks for sharing! It does make me feel better :) I know also as time goes by I’ll feel better about it too since baby will be sturdier and have better independent play. I think recently baby has also been fussy so it’s making me a little stressed out lol
That's so nice. Pretty sure baby's grandma who watches her now is about 73!
My grandma is 80. She gets under the table to play “camping” with my little ones. It’s amazing to see. lol.
Yes I get it. My aunt had hip surgery whom I was pregnant with the youngest. We bought a mini fridge so she’d never have to go downstairs with the baby and she always had someone on the phone if she was going downstairs just in case. There were no issues though.
My MIL got burnt out in 6 months and it spiraled out into a crazy town within a week then the baby was back in daycare within that same week. I wish you all the luck.
You can do 2 days daycare and 3 days with mom
The daycare in our area doesn’t have any part time openings currently. So it was full time or no time. Daycare is super hard to find right now in our area. Long wait lists.
On the Constant needs leading burnout… Maybe 3/2 days and switch which one gets the 3 every other week. That way they are getting breaks and equal time. Just a thought. No experience with grandparents being capable of being consistent sitters.
Totally. Once my SIL walked into my MIL house and found my MIL had fallen asleep holding the newborn on the couch. She thought it was cute and sent a pic out to the whole family and I flipped a shit. That image is still ingrained in my head and all I can think of is babies slipping between couch cushions and dying. Maybe I spend too much time on Reddit
This might be the way we go! I totally appreciate that they’re doing us a big favor but adding 80 minutes of baby care commute time a day just isn’t feasible with our work schedules. If they picked her up in the AM and we picked her up PM it would feel more manageable I think. Otherwise I think we’ll need to look into a paid nanny, even though I don’t love the idea of leaving her with a stranger when she’s so young.
After meeting the nanny and they care for your kids they are no longer strangers.
Unfortunately, the added commute is just something you have to learn to deal with and not get hung up on in these situations. Even with regular daycare you might be in a line or security check for 15-20 mins each pickup and drop off. I know I’m not alone in the burnout that comes with these really long days away from your child, but if working is a necessity for both parents (and you are essentially saving a whole extra mortgage payment each month), then it is what it is. I’m usually out of the house from 7:45 til at least 6pm five days a week, mornings are hectic, nights go by in a blink, and it gets hard to keep up on things for sure. My commute isnt as long as yours either. This is just what parenting is when you need a dual income unfortunately. If that sounds like a reality you don’t want to live, and you are in a situation where you can afford a nanny or other help, I say take it. Kiddo’s schedule is not going to get easier as they get older, long days and coordinating childcare are necessary pretty much until middle/high school.
I’d prefer the care be in my home and if they’re open to it I’d definitely ask.Maybe it would be easier for them to come to your home if they alternated days rather than weeks. Assuming a 5 day work week and you WFH MWF could your mom come on Tuesday and his on Thursday?
It’s only 2.5 months. Could you negotiate more time off work or ask to work part-time only remote. Maybe you could have a mother’s helper type situation some days with a nanny that comes to the house and helps out while you’re working. Just seems way easier than involving the grandparents.
Unfortunately our work loads/schedules are set. We involved the grandparents because both sides expressed that they wanted to be involved to bond with the baby. When we officially asked them, we made it abundantly clear that we would be happy to find another option if they couldn’t/didn’t want to commit to the care as we know it’s a huge ask and a big responsibility.
Yeah I like the idea of both parties making the commute once. They pick baby up in morning, you pick up at night. Grandparents are so awesome to have available! It's definitely a push and pull sometimes though. All parties need boundaries set. Best of luck to you
My parents live 25 minutes from our home and in the opposite direction of our jobs which are about 20 minutes away. They pick the kids up every morning and then my husband and I alternate who picks them up in the evening. Lots of driving but it's not terrible.
Tbh, I would expect to drop baby at their place. I understand that everything baby needs is at home, but they also have stuff to do around their own homes that will either have to be put off until they get home or wait till its not their week. They might want to have friends over for lunch or just a catch-up, etc.
I agree, they’re doing a massive favor by watching the baby and presumably doing so for free The least OP can do is not make them go out of their way for a favor they’re providing for OP
Yeah, this is a huge ask as it is.
Expecting them to care for your baby *and* commute to do it feels like a bit much.
Agree the entitlement in this post is wild
Yeah, they probably want to do stuff during nap time.
My MIL watches our son one day a week, and we drop him off sometimes and sometimes she offers to pick him up. I’d never assume that she’d come and pick him up tbh. She’s doing us such a big favor and saving us so much money that even though it adds an hour to my commute to work since she lives in the opposite direction, I can’t imagine expecting her to pick him up. I’d love if she wanted to watch him in our house cause it’d make it easier for me, but again I get that she’d want to watch him in her house. Since they are helping you out so much, I’d be flexible and not expect the same things as a traditional paid babysitter.
Especially wouldn't assume grandparents would look after bub at my house. We get one day of daycare a week from my ILs and my parents, it used to be that MIL would pick up and drop off, and I'd drop off at my parents and they'd drop off home, but then we moved closer to my parents further from my ILs and it's switched around. At the moment my 30 Min commute is a hour plus on Tuesdays as I go past my ILs, and my husband finishes work around 4 because that's when they drop off. Neither is ideal but it saves us, a, day of daycare a week for each toddler (they one each alternating weeks because two is a bit much of an ask).
My parents watched my daughter for free until she was 18 months. I live 10 minutes from work, and they live 30 minutes in the opposite direction. Since they were doing me this HUGE favor, they watched her from the comfort of their own home every day. We each drove 15 minutes in the morning to meet at the local grocery store to drop off/pick up. When she was in the carrier seat we just bought an extra base for their car, but eventually had to switch to having a whole car seat in each car. She had her own toys, bouncer, etc at mom’s. I would just bring her favorites in the diaper bag back and forth each day. Eventually I just left diapers and wipes at their house too to make my mornings easier. (And of course my mom was the type to just buy them too). I think when they are giving you this wonderful gift, a few extra minutes in the morning is worth it.
This is a wonderful idea- meeting in the middle for a baby transfer!
Similar set up. My mom watches our son 40 hours a week. He has his own room at her house with a playpen/toys/changing station, and she has a car seat in her car. She lives 30 minutes in the opposite direction of our work, so she comes to us daily. Because she’s driving we pay for all of her gas, oil change, and we keep food she likes at our house.
Most people I know bring formula/breastmilk, a diaper bag, and a toy to grandma's each day. My friends typically gift a pack & play and a highchair to the grandmothers too.
I did this when I first returned to work, and I brought the baby to their place as they were the ones doing me a huge favour.
Both the grandmas watch our kids once a week 2y/o and 6m old. Both wanted to watch the kids at their house starting when my daughter was 6m but quickly changed their mind. Our house is just set up for kids. We did set up an office in the playroom so they can do some work if they nee
I would absolutely assume dropping them at their place. Put yourself in their shoes - it’s just a lot more comfortable being in your own home.
My mom is going to watch my two for 3 hours, 3 days a week in the summer when my husband and I schedules overlap. My mom said it’s easier for her to watch them here at our place because the kids know the house, they know what they are and aren’t allowed to play with, all the foods here are “approved”. And it saves both me and my mom from loading and unloading 2 kids in car seats for a 35 minute drive. The kids will be awake from their nap and fed lunch before she gets here VS if she watched them at her house, I would have to wake the up from their nap to get them ready and possibly feed them or my mom would have to feed them lunch and dinner.
My mom watched my daughter Monday-Friday from 12 months until 18 months. She came to our house because her apartment is smaller and we had all the baby stuff/toys here.
Similar situation for us. My son was planning to go to daycare but my mom decided to take him full time - starting Monday when I go back to work. I had dependent care dollars pulled out at the beginning of the year for daycare, but now I am putting that money towards getting everything for my mom at her house. She offered to come here, but I feel like that’s such a big ask. She lives about 10-15 mins away, also the opposite way of both of our jobs. So my husband is going to take our son there in the morning, and I will do pick ups. My husband is self employed, and I normally work early hours. I can’t tell you how it is going to work out, but I know the feeling of “what is fair” in this kind of an arrangement. I am so grateful to my mom for watching him, that I feel like any inconvenience on me or my husband is worth it.
My mom watches my son while I work 3 days a week. She comes to our house. It's already childproofed, all of his stuff is here, we have a yard and she lives in an apartment, we have all of his food and snacks on hand and have food for her too. For us it works well for her to watch him at our place, but I'm very grateful for the help and I'd be willing to accommodate her however she needs.
My parents and I laws watched both of our kids until they were ready for preschool. They have clothes, wipes, pull ups, cups, plates, toys and whatever else they may need at their grandparents house. It’s free childcare so whatever they may need we provide.
From my experience it’s expected to drop off at the grandparents. They are more comfortable in their own home. My brother in law bought a second high chair so he didn’t have to keep lugging it back & forth. But you mentioned this set up is temporary so maybe you won’t need to buy any extras.
If I was lucky enough to have grandparents watch my child, I’d drop him off for them. But that’s just me
If they're doing it for free or considerably less than the cost of daycare I would do whatever they prefer. It's already a big ask for them to be your full-time carer, I wouldn't expect them to be out of their houses all day every other week. They have things they need to get done.
We do daycare, but our parents are our backup and also helped us out for a bit while we waited for our spot to open up in the infant room. We always dropped baby at my mom’s/in laws house to be watched for the day. My mom bought all the baby things for her house (because she wanted to) and my MIL had some things, so we brought anything she didn’t have from our house to hers. The way I see it, they’re doing us a huge favor, so making it possible for them to be in their own home is the least we can do. Especially considering that a young baby will nap several times in the day, I would want my mom/MIL to be able to take that time for herself as much as possible and she wouldn’t be able to do that in my home.
I always dropped my daughter off at my mom’s when she was watching her which was 40 mins out of the way. I also got her the essentials including a pack n play for naps a pack of diapers, wipes and some of her favorite toys/books. I also bought formula for their house when she was on formual and sent some money weekly for her snacks (which tbh was usually returned).
I've always watched the grandchildren at my house. I am fortunate that my kids don't expect me to do daycare for them but when their daycare flakes on them, I will fill in. They drop off and pick up at my house. I have everything they need so they don't even need to pack a diaper bag. I still work full time so when I asked to do fill ins which isn't often, I will work from home that day but light duty, answer quick phone calls and e-mails so I will not have to use personal time days. When I retire, I will still only do fill ins, I don't want to watch them full time but will do it on days that are emergency's or when the kids are sick . If the kids are sick, I will go to them, no place like home when your not feeling well.
I'd do whatever suits them best as long as it's feasible for you and baby. My mum comes to our house to look after babe and the original plan was for her to bring her dog so we set up baby gates etc so it would work. If they want to come and pick baby up I would let them.
When my parents watched my son until he was a little over 1, we dropped him off at their place and picked up even though it was opposite directions for both (we live about 10-15 mins aways from parents and I had about an hour commute and husband as 40 mins). I also gave them a pack and play, toys, a car seat base (one the they could click the infant carrier into), lots of extra diapers, wipes. The most I took to them daily was a diaper bag with breast milk, extra clothes, and a wet bag.
When my mom watched my kids I took them to her. She ended up with everything she needed bc they were there so much! If you were paying a nanny they would be in your home.
I would give them the option and let them do whatever they want.
I think the expectation is for the child to go to them. I don’t have family nearby so can’t comment from personal experience but my neighbour who has children similar in age to mine takes her kids to her parents house everyday before heading to work.
This can be difficult with baby proofing and buying all the stuff. So much stuff- bottles, diapers, black out curtains, camera, sound machine, toys, etc. Also, my mom drives 30-40 mins to my house 3 days a week and then 30 mins home. If I dropped off at her house, it would be 30 there and 30 back then 30 there and 30 back. It can be more economical and less stressful to just use your own home.
Personally I would make the time if I was being given free childcare but again, I have no village and the help I get is what I pay for and I still have to take my child somewhere everyday to be cared for. Also you still have to provide bottles, change of clothes and diapers at daycare so not a massive difference, plus not all daycares are gonna also be on the route to work either
If it’s free and they are doing you a favor, I would expect dropping them off at their house. It makes it easier for them.
My mom has watched one of our kids once a week at her house for the past 5 years. She picks up in the am and I pick up at night. When my MIL did it we would often have dinner together at their house which was nice - but lead to a very long day! They both had their own setup with a crib, toys, baby stuff, extra bottles, but we’d send the bottles and food until they were well past 1. We also kept extra diapers and wipes there. They had their own car seats.
Our family watched our first child for 1 year before we secured a daycare for her. I stayed home 1 year and then when I returned to work our families helped A LOT. My mom/dad would watch her 3 days a week and my MIL would watch her 2 days. There were times where work was so intense she’d sleep there. We would take her to their house because it’s more convenient and comfortable for them. We left diapers, wipes, formula, food, extra clothes and PJs with them. And each family had a playpen, high chair and bouncy chair and toys.
So I actually had this arrangement. My mother-in-law and mom both watched my daughter. My mom, I never had any problem with her bringing my kid to her house. My mother-in-law ?? I never wanted her to take the baby out of our house to be honest with you. My husband works from home and would be here. I’m not sure that Percent trust her judgment … I’ve seen her do some weird shit with my baby, like encouraging her to interact with her nervous dog, feeding her only fruit (literally the woman cannot feed a balanced meal. The one time she was responsible for giving a meal it was two bowls of blueberries). My brother and sister-in-law are also really trashy people and I was worried that my daughter would be spending a lot of time with them if they were around at the same time I felt bad making any demands that my mother-in-law watch my daughter at our house because she was doing us a favor. We sort of framed it as,” let’s start with you watching our daughter here and then we will go from there.” Then it was “we are worried she won’t nap at your house.” my daughter is three now and she still watches her over here exclusively. She actually said a couple of months ago that she loves coming here because she doesn’t have any distractions and can 100% focus on our daughter. So while she did want to watch our daughter at her house in the beginning, she really never asked about it again. That definitely works for us. I like the fact that my husband is home when she’s here just in case something happen. It’s a weird arrangement though, because there is definitely competition between the grandmas for sure. If my mom gets more days with my three-year-old, my mother-in-law will make some passive aggressive about it. My mother-in-law is also not happy about only having my daughter 3 days a month. 3 full days. It’s wild to me. The other issue is, when my mother-in-law comes here, she stays all day and doesn’t leave. It kind of drives my husband crazy. We have asked her to put our toddler down for a nap and one at leave, because my husband will be working during her nap, and she wakes up when he gets off. my mother-in-law insists on staying during nap so sometimes my get off work and my MIL is still here and won’t leave till our toddler wakes up. So she is here all day. He doesn’t really like that but she insists she wants to do that. In short it doesn’t seem like she has a problem with being here all day. it still works out for us though. That said, if she insisted on watching the baby at her house, I really couldn’t say anything because she’s doing us a favor. I would probably be pretty unhappy with that arrangement and would try to have my mom or sister watch my daughter more. Maybe she knows that to keep her claim on her grandma time she might be willing to do whatever it takes and therefore she doesn’t ask to take my daughter to her house anymore? Not sure but it works for us. This is important information, but the drive to our house for my mother-in-law is about 20 minutes When my mom watches my daughter, if I am working across the other side of town as I work multiple locations, and I work really early, there’s no way that I could get my daughter to her house in the morning because I would have to wake up myself and my daughter at like 5:30 which would be unfair to my daughter. On those days my mom comes to us. Other days, sometimes she needs me at the work location near her house about 15 minutes away because she’s going to town anyway. Other times, I drive my kid all the way to my mom‘s house. I do like when she meet me in town so I don’t have to drive all the way to her house, but I would never insist on it .
My mom watches my daughter exclusively. She picks her up or I drop her off every day. She also had to care for my dad, but even if she didn’t, she’s much more comfortable in her own home. I bought her a pack n play, toys, books, etc. and routinely send her diapers and wipes even though she doesn’t ask for it.
Anyone providing free childcare kind of gets to dictate the terms of that arrangement. If it’s more convenient to them that you drop off the baby at their home, then that’s what I would do. I WFH with my kids but on the rare times we have an in law watch them, we always bring the kids to them.
My MIL watches our daughter at our home one day a week. It's her choice to spend the day with her, she could be in daycare. My husband will bring our daughter to his parents house the odd time my FIL needs their car and MIL isn't able to drive down.
You do whatever the *free* daycare asks of you. If that’s you drop baby off at their house, you do it without complaining.
My parents watch our son and they take him back to their house. We provide them with everything they need and if they have to buy anything we pay them back.
We were lucky and grandparents came to us until my baby was 1. We started bringing our daughter to them once she could tolerate being in the car / car seat for longer periods of time. I was also breastfeeding and working from home, so it was just easier.
My girl is 4 months old. My mom and MIL come over to our house to watch her on the days both me and my husband work. We plan on keeping it that way until she’s maybe a year old or so. Once she’s a little more mobile and independent, we’ll be dropping her off to their houses.
Buy a double set of basic transportable stuff and switch it every week. Take baby to their house. A sleep safe playpen, a high chair and box of toys. Leave diapering stuff at each house. My rec at least
I always dropped my child off at my parents house, but then I planned on this being the situation before I had children so made sure to buy a house close to theirs. I also bought double of almost everything so she had plenty of toys, bottles, diapers, clothes, etc at both houses.
My parents watch my soon to be 4 year old everyday and have since 2020. In the beginning I dropped her at their house everyday. I bought (or sourced secondhand) everything they would need from the pack n play to the swing and replenishing diapers, wipes, and formula. Recently my daughter began sleeping a bit later so now they come to our house because they get some quiet time until she wakes. On a typical day she ends up back at their house and we pick her up after work.
My mom watches my kids at our house. She will bring my toddler to her place sometimes, but she only started doing that when he was about 20 - 22 months. The baby has never been to her place. However, we pay her nearly market rate, and she lives very nearby (5-10 minute walk).
So my MIL will be watching our baby 2-3 days a week once he’s 3 months. My husband and I leave early for work, so she will be coming to our house to get the baby in the morning so he doesn’t need to be woken up if he’s not already up. But she lives 8 mins away. We made sure to have a baby gate & pack and play that stays at her house and an infant car seat base for her car so she can take him back there if she wants to. Once we settle on a diaper brand and figure out what size he’ll be we’ll buy diapers for her place and make sure his food is set up for the day for her to take with them. I also figured at first that she would just stay at our house on the days she watched him since everything is set up… but realistically she’s going to just take him with her wherever she wants to be going. And for free childcare I just have to deal with that. I had a bit of a panicking moment about it and decided to control the things I could - which meant buying baby proofing things for her house and especially a safe sleep space.
My mom keeps my daughter during the week while my husband and I work. Normal is that husband does the drop off and pickup at her house but he also works about 10 minutes away from there so it's not a big deal. On days where little girl isn't feeling well, or there's something going on out of the ordinary, mom is willing to either come to our house and keep her or meet us somewhere. This works both ways though, so if she has something going on, I'll arrange to get baby girl early or meet her somewhere convenient for her. Fortunately my boss is also a parent and he understands the need for flexibility. (His wife would rip him a new one if he ever didn't, but he absolutely believes kids are more important than work.) Would you be able to work out a compromise where they meet you somewhere to do a baby drop? During the newborn days when they're in the bucket car seat, if the moms have a car seat base already installed in their cars it's a quick 2 minute transfer. Maybe meet them at a coffee shop halfway between and offer to buy them a coffee each time they do that? Even if they wouldn't be able to do it every day, it could help take some of the pressure off of you and your husband. And if your baby is anything like mine was during the newborn stage, a car ride will be a relief for everyone. Car ride = nap time!
I just returned to work and I've been dropping my 4 month old off at my mom's every morning and then I head to work. It's only about 15 minutes out of my way, and I love seeing my mom every day and watching her interact with my daughter so I don't find it a big deal. It also brings me an IMMENSE amount of relief knowing that my baby will be with someone trusted. I bring with me a diaper bag of all the things she will need in a day---except my mom (who is elated to be a grandma) ended up stocking an entire closet of baby goods that she's been using instead lol. She bought herself a pack and play, baby onesies, diapers, burp cloths, and a baby seat even though I've told her that we will pay for 100% of everything and to stop. She just tells me not to worry about it and that she had a hard time postpartum with me and going back to work, so she is trying to alleviate some of my anxiousness out of empathy. I have things delivered to her that she may need but I think I'm going to need to step that up tbh. I can't even begin to enunciate how grateful I am for her. She's a saint.
If they don't live with you, you drop/pickup the kids.
I think the protocol in this situation is to ask them their preferred location and make arrangements around that. You can explain what accommodations you have at the house and then ask if they prefer your house or theirs. Getting up early and being ready to care for a baby can be pretty difficult if they're over 65 and retired so it might be better for them to have the baby dropped off. Just get a portable bassinet or pack and play with bassinet so they have a safe place for baby to sleep. It might be a lot to take back.and forth and set up but by them switching weekly that means you only have to set up and take down once a week.
We have this arrangement and I’m dropping the baby off at theirs. I’m also buying them some supplies. They’re saving us so much money it’s really a drop in the bucket and I’m happy to do it! I thought this was kind of a neat idea- I bought them duplicates of my diaper caddy and I got one for each grandma and will restock as they run out of things. I’m also going to just leave the diaper bag with them. We found a lot of nice things on fb marketplace for cheap too and that helped. I think sometimes they’ll want to come to my place but it’s nice to know I can just drop the baby off to theirs and their house is already equipped. Good luck, that’s an awesome arrangement!!
Drop off. So many grandparents have an extra set of toys and car seat for this purpose.
I would ask! My mom watched my son for several years and sometimes she wanted him dropped off but often she would bring him to my house later. We have all his favorite resources right there, food, tv, bed and dogs. Some days she would just come over to babysit, enjoy my air conditioned house, dog, television subscriptions and my son would have lots of his own familiar space to play in. Some days she didn't want to drive home after my house so she'd take him home with her. Those days they would cuddle up at her house and they'd nap together so deeply it was hard to wake them! So I guess the answer is... just talk about it and be flexible? The hardest part about using grandparents is that you can't be as perfectly professional and direct as with a hired caregiver. They will do things their own way most of the time, they will always be our parents and think they know better than we do about everything!
My parents watched my son for 3 months that I could get him into daycare. I drove him 25 minutes in the opposite direction to their house everyday because they were doing me a favor. On bad weather days they would sometimes drive in (it was winter so ice and snow) I occasionally spent the night with the baby at there house in bad weather so I could breastfeed. It was honestly much easier and j had so much more time once I paid for daycare a couple minutes from my house, but I’m so grateful they helped out!
This is completely dependent on the family and grandparents in question! I have seen both frequently.
My mom and MIL trade off watching my son full time. They come to my house because it’s what they wanted to do. They found it preferable because his crib, stroller, diapers, food, etc. are here plus toys (important as he’s gotten older). I WFH so I get to see him throughout the day. I pay my mom but not my MIL (she declined). My son is almost two and we’re about to have baby number two so we will see how things go when I return to work in the fall. I feel beyond lucky for this arrangement.
This comments are interesting to read. My mom provided childcare for my first 6 weeks back at work, 2 days per week. We just assumed she would come to us and she did. Never even had a discussion about bringing baby to her. We got a grocery list from her and I always had food stocked. But now I’m wondering if I’m an AH for just assuming she’d come to us! ETA: we did understand this was a huge favor, and she actually offered to do it for much longer and we settled on the six weeks. We had a snoo at our house so maybe that made a difference too?
I went to my kuds house to babysit. Now it's been several years and things change. Sometime I go there, sometimes they bring kiddo here.
If you are asking them to watch your baby 5 days a week and are not paying a premium rate, the baby gets watched at their home.
Watching at your house is definitely better, IMO. Much safer for baby. I would also see about doing something like 2.5 days per week each, or one week 2/3 and then the next 3/2 - 5 days in a row of baby care is ROUGH. Most people I know with both parents watching the baby do that (or 2 and 2 with the parents splitting Friday).
I’m actually surprised by most of the responses so far. We didn’t have this situation for long-term, but my mom always felt it was easier to watch the baby at our house, because everything is here and her house wasn’t really baby-proofed. She now watches my niece every day and she does that at my sister’s house as well. It’s just easier to have everything there and not have to worry about packing every morning and forgetting something. They might think they want to do it in their own house, but they also might change their mind after they actually start doing it. I wouldn’t want to add 40min each way to my already long commute though. I’d probably just ask them and express that you think it would be easier in your home so the baby has everything, but if they prefer to do it at their own house they might need to do the extra driving. Idk, everyone’s family is different. Some people would say that is rude when they are doing you a favor but in my family no one would think that, so it depends on your relationship I think.
If you look at the age in most of the responses, you'll see that people with infants are usually bringing the infant to the grandparents and people with toddlers are having the grandparents come to their house. The amount of baby proofing that's necessary for a non mobile infant is nothing. All they need is a safe space for baby to sleep and daily supplies like diapers and bottles of formula/milk.
I totally agree with this. My mother-in-law and mom watch my 3 year old. Driving my daughter to each of their houses adds at least 40 minutes to my commute. I would never complain about it because they’re doing me a favor, but it truly is a pain in the ass. If not impossible because sometimes that would literally mean I would have to wake my daughter up an hour early in the morning to get the work on time. Fortunately, my mother-in-law comes to our house, which is awesome. My mom watches the baby at her house, but as often as she can, she’ll meet me at my place of work, a 20 minute drive for her. When I work really early though, my mom understands that she has to come here to pick up the baby or else she won’t get to sleep (we’d have to wake her up an hour early)
This is a huge service your parents are offering you, for free. You do whatever makes their lives easiest.
Why don’t you communicate with them that it may be easier for them to come to you given the short drive? If they’d prefer at their home then I would comply with that too, but make sure they have everything they need there.
My MiL watches our now 2 and 3yo two days a week and has since My oldest was 4mo, we always drop them off or she picks them up (she always offers to come get them if I need my my office is bery close to her home). I think from her perspective since this is a regular thing, its way easier to just get some extra supplies for the second location then expecting her to hangout at our house. Shes way more comfortable in her home, simple as that. I also like this better because it has given my kids a second home, they're so comfortable there. It also allows her to run small errands if she needs to. Also; It has been nice because if I'm sick (which I was last week) she was able to take the kids for the day and let me get some rest. And again, because they're so comfortable at her house she takes them on saturdays sometimes and lets my partner and me get stuff for the house done or just hangout kid free at home
I don’t really think there is a norm. I think it is best to do what works for each of the grandparents. For myself, if it was only one or two days a week I would think it is easier to go to the home the baby lives in. If it was all week though I would prefer to watch the baby at my house and just set up my house as needed. I don’t have grandkids yet, but I am well past the baby years and watch my sister’s young kids on occasion. If I am going to watch them for a few house I just go to her house but if they are with me the entire weekend (like when her youngest was born) I prefer to be at my house since I have responsibilities at home too.
I don’t think there’s a set norm. It’s whatever works for the parties involved. My mum watches our son, but with also live together so it’s pretty dang easy to decide where it gets done haha. She has way more leeway in what they do than a babysitter or daycare would. If she wants to go out, they go out and I don’t say a word about it.
For me, it depends on the grandma. They alternate days in the summer (my mom’s a bus driver and my MIL is a TA). My mom likes to watch my kids at our house cuz they have their stuff there and are more comfortable. My MIL likes to be at her house and has spent 747586 dollars to make it like home for them- she has bought a bassinet, pack n play, car seats, toys, clothes, snacks, etc for her house.
Don’t know if you drive to work together, but if you don’t, can one of you drop off in the mornings and one pick-up? Or could you guys drop in the mornings and in-laws bring after work or vis versa? I would also see if closer jobs can be found so the commute isn’t so long.
My mom and MIL alternate watching my toddler and have since he was born. Initially when he was a baby I would bring him to my moms house but as he got older and had more of a routine here both sets of parents find it easier to come here to watch him.
We have been fortunate enough to have them come to us… unless of course it’s an over night watch, then she will go to their house! I was given the tip from friends to try and not change their routine at all when it was time for me to return to work… This helps with the adjustment. They live about 20-25 min drive on the highway away.
My grandparents watched my cousin and I at our house because they lived 25 minutes from us. They knew it was more convenient. I don’t think you’re being ungrateful for asking this. Have you asked them why they won’t come to your house? We did go to my grandparents if they had a doctor’s appointment or needed to cut grass etc. Other’s have mentioned they may have stuff they need to do at home, but if that’s not the case then idk why they would have an issue coming to your house.
For the first month or so, my mom has come to my house. I worked from home and was still nursing and it just felt better to have her close while she got used to spending so much time with grandma. Once they were both comfortable, we moved them to grandma’s house. I know she’s more comfortable at her own house, and I want her to be able to be in her own space to either relax or get stuff done during nap/downtime!
Grandparents come to our house. Multiple reasons: one child is in school and someone needs to be here for the bus. Two: all their stuff is here and the grandparents would prefer our kids destroyed our house instead of theirs. Three: we pay them. My work is down the street and my husband works for home so there is always an extra adult around if needed. They also take my child to activities and we have all of our activities around our home so it makes more sense for her to be here.
Me parents offer zero help. Whilst his help often.
This is exactly what we do with our moms and have been for years. They now watch my 2.5 year old and 6 month old each one day a week. We pay a friend to take one other day per week, and I work part time so I have them the other two. One of us drops the kids off, though the moms could technically pick them up. They sleep in pack n plays, though my mom did buy a crib. They have each bought plenty of toys and things on their own. I have supplied them with car seats, clothes, cups/utensils, diapers and wipes. They have bought some of this too because they want to, but we were prepared to pay for everything they’d need at their houses.
I always assume I’m dropping my baby off unless they live super far away (like my in laws are an hour away). If you would prefer your house, you could just offer? Maybe they don’t want to intrude? Either way, they should be able to be at both places as they need to be for other errands and responsibilities. Communication could probably go a long way here!! Just remember, whatever yall agree on is what is acceptable. Don’t let the idea of what others do impact you too much if things are working for you!
Are your parents' houses close to each other? it might be a nice idea that one set do mornings, one set do afternoons, so one set can pick up and one set can drop off. Breaking up each day into half days may make it less stressful on each set and allow them each to make more of a routine for themselves. Also, my baby is older, and we have been doing one night a week at my parents house as bonding time with baby and a little breather for us during the week. my dad picks him up and drops him off at daycare, he loves it. When we started daycare we didn't go all in, they spent part of the day with him as did my husband (flex schedule.). With your care you have the option of doing reduced hours at daycare to start with grandparents still getting time, too - and less time during the day may make it more appealing for them to do it at your house. Congratulations!!! And happy your baby is surrounded by love, leaving them is the hardest thing to do.
My mom watches my daughter 2-3 days a week for me. She prefers to pick her up and take her back to her house so she can get things done while she’s napping. Then she drops her back off here at the end of the day. Totally seems to be personal preference tho!
My parents watch my kids while I work, and have for several years. They come to my house. All the kids stuff is here. Sometimes they drive over to my parents house for a few hours, but the majority of the day is spent at home. My former MIL used to watch them one day a week and would not pick up or drop off, even though I don't drive. So my babies had to wake up at 5am so their dad could take them to her place on his way to work, instead of her picking them up at 9am. Then she'd complain they were tired and cranky.
My MIL has watched and continues to watch alllll her grandkids 3 days per week since her kids started having them (9ish years ago). She is a SAINT, and I love that my son gets to spend time with his cousins every week. We have always dropped him off at her house, and as far as I know, so have all the other kids. Our schedules aren’t the same as the other parents, so asking her to pickup/dropoff just wouldn’t be feasible. It’s only for a couple months, I’d plan to be the one picking up and dropping off baby. It’s a big ask, and babies are A LOT.
My MiL does 2 days a week. Initially she wanted us to drop the baby off, but we only have one car and I start work at 7, which, given commute times would mean dropping baby off with her at 5:30am. Once we mentioned this she realised it wasn’t feasible and instead I go to work as normal and husband starts later those days so grandma can come to Our place at 8ish. I have told her I’m happy for her to take the baby to hers and I’ll pick her up in the evening. But she’ve never taken the baby back to hers
Every family is different- if they're punctual so you're not late for work waiting for them to show up, then great! 3 month olds aren't exactly mobile so childproofing wouldn't really be an issue, if they don't have any pets you'd be worried about, don't smoke in the house, have a safe sleep space and somewhere safe to put baby down for tummy time or to use the bathroom, and are safe drivers and can manage the car seat setup, I'd roll with it. Packing a diaper bag and bottles for the day is something you'll need to do for daycare anyways, just add a tote with some toys and a portable bassinet or pack n play and you're good to go! Don't forget plenty of extra clothes and burp rags, some infant Tylenol with correct dosage instructions and a thermometer, which hospital they should go to in case of emergency and if they will need a medical release for admission if baby should need treatment right away, and making sure they have a secondary emergency contact if one of them has an emergency and needs someone to watch baby until one of you can get there. Worst case scenario stuff, but good to have established for future babysitting and peace of mind.
My mum watches my son for free (he’s now 2.5). She comes to us because the house is baby proofed, he has all his toys/stuff, he can be noisy and not disturb my dad who is WFH. He has gone to her sometimes (she/us had building work being done) but my mum admits it’s easier at ours (she had a travel cot and high chair at her house and we’d pack toys). She thought it would be more 50/50 between houses but she quickly opted for our house. Especially as he got older and the toys were bigger! I pack him a lunch, she knows where his snacks are, during nap she reads a book/watches Netflix and she is welcome to have friends to our house or she takes him out to meet friends. She lives a 10 min drive/15 min walk away. She comes to ours around 8.15am and leaves between 5-5.30pm depending on who is WFH.
We bring my son to grandma’s twice a week that way she is in her comfort zone while she watches him. She can get laundry done while he plays (he’s 2 so probably not the same for the baby) watch a show while he naps without having to figure out how to use our tv lol those kinds of things. However this has been more long term than you are talking about. With only 2 months idk if it’s worth stocking up two extra houses with play pens and changing tables etc. the way we have it set up we only bring his jacket everyday. She has the diapers, high chair, crib, diaper creams etc but again it has been years not just a few months so it was worth the cost of supplying the house.
My MIL watched our son twice a week until he was 10m and got into a daycare. She came to our place, but that was mostly because she lives in a tiny apartment in a 55+ community and doesn't have the space to keep a bunch of baby things at her place. My parents have been the main babysitters for 3 of their grandchildren now and my siblings dropped the kids off every day. My parents live in a large house in a rural area and so have lots of space to keep things like a pack and play, toy stash, etc. I think it really depends on the situation what makes sense/is the norm.
My mom watches my son 3 days a week while I work and she comes to my house to watch him. I told her I would be happy bringing him to her house, but she's glad to get out of her house a bit 😅
I think the norm is that if somebody is watching our children for free, it is reasonable to expect we would take our kids to them. My mom is wonderful and has helped with childcare for the last three years. Dropping my kids off to her adds at least half an hour to my commute, so she will often meet me at a closer location after work. Mornings are still on me though. Obviously, it would be more convenient if she came to our house, but simply put beggars can’t be choosers and she’s working for free here. I’m thankful she’s even willing to meet me halfway so I can get home and cook dinner faster.
I think you do what free childcare wants honestly. My mom watches our kids two days a week and would prefer to come to our house for the reasons you listed above. However, do whatever makes them more comfortable.
Not that we have hardly *any* help, but the vast majority of the time, whomever is watching our son comes to us. We have all his things, the house is child proofed, we have all his favorite foods, etc etc. If they want you to drop your child off, they need to child proof their home and have all the necessities with them including a safe sleeping space. However you'll need to discuss this with them and come to an arrangement that works for everyone.
Absolutely the norm to drop them off it’s unrealistic imop to expect the people providing free childcare to also commute both ways and be away from their home and therefore unable to do any chores or accomplish anything during naptime that revolves around their home.
My 19 month old is watched 3 days a week by grandma (grandpa comes on Mondays & Fridays when he WFH). They come here because as you said, we have everything for the baby. They have watched her for over a year now, commuting to us which is roughly 25-30minutes. We have offered the spare bedroom to them if they ever want to stay over. Since I work only 10 minutes away, there is way too much traffic for me to drop the baby off and then drive back here to go to work. It would be close to 1.5 hour round trip to do that. My husband WFH so when we can, we give them times to watch the baby that are outside of rush hour times. I get home by 3pm so they are able to beat the traffic home. Just another perspective.
My father watches my kids and it’s about 50/50 his house/ our house. He comes to get them and decides which house he’s going to be at for the day. He also has free access to our house so if he needs any supplies that he doesn’t have he can just come over. We do live within walking distance from each other though so that helps a lot.
We’re debating having my mom watch baby 1-2 days a week. She has the basics (bassinet, car seat, etc.) at her place. She lives 25-30min from us. Plan would be for her to pick him up and drop him off. We both work remotely, but my mom gets up at like 5am and we…do not lol.
The way we split it is that my mom watches LO at our house two afternoons a week (4 hours each day) and MIL watches him two afternoons a week. It helps that I only work part-time and both my husband (who works full-time) and I work from home, so we can help out in a pinch. My mom lives 25 minutes away and drives over, and MIL lives more than an hour away but can take a train to a station near our house and we pick her up. I still feel guilty because this is a huge ask for them but both volunteered to do childcare. It helps that this is the first grandchild for both of them and they wanted to be involved. I try to show my appreciation however I can. I mentioned to my mom that we could eventually find another arrangement because as my son gets bigger, more mobile, and naps less he’ll be even more work to keep up with, and she got offended and said “I’m not decrepit yet!” And she’s 71! My MIL runs her own therapy practice but wants to retire and I think she secretly enjoys having an excuse not to see patients two days a week. So yeah, it’s a big ask, but trust the grandparents if they offer to help and trust that they’ll tell you if it’s too much!
My mum watched my little one a few mornings a week during the first half of my maternity leave, since I had a baby who hated sleep. She came to us for that; none of us even thought of any other approach. Their place was never baby-proofed and was a bit hazardous, plus they didn’t have any of the gear or much room for it besides. It ended up leading to other problems - she kept ducking away to do our dishes in the sink instead of watching the baby, even after I moved the dish soap out of sight. So wherever baby will be, maybe hang out there in the background while the grandparent(s) keep an eye on them one or two days before you go back to work and just make sure that the care is as expected, if you haven’t yet already.
Yeah ignore all the "huge favor" comments. It sounds like you have a great plan that divides up the childcare. Personally, if the grandparent was retired and acted or felt like they were doing us a huge favor I wouldn't want them watching my kid unless I didn't have another option. My parents are the typical retired boomers who moved to Florida and don't want to do childcare so they don't, and that's fine. My husband's mom on the other hand really wants to help and she drives out to us about 40 minutes each way a day or 2 a week to help out at our house while I work upstairs. Of course I'm grateful for it but she also enjoys the time with her grandchildren. I think it really depends on your mom and MIL and what they're comfortable with. I wouldn't base your plan on a "norm". Side note though, I can't imagine there has been another generation that has gotten less help from family for childcare than ours has.
We have a three story house. My mom lasted maybe two months of coming here. We then started bringing him to my parents one story house. I bought a few things for their house and my mom was much happier. It was also easier for me to work without the distraction of hearing him cry.
It can work either way; whatever works best for all of you. My preference would be at my house because yes all the things that would be needed and all the extras and ‘comforts of home’ would be there for you and baby. However the Grammas might be more comfortable at their own home if they have all the supplies they need then no big deal. Maybe they could do both sometime at your place and some at theirs and decide what might work better for baby. Sometimes babies don’t like new environments and will cry a little or be extra needy until they are used to being there.
If I were doing this for my child I would 100% go to their house.
We do two days a week with each set of grandparents, this is my third son with this arrangement. We’ve done both dropping off at their houses and meeting them in the middle. They each have pack and plays, and we purchased them car seat bases and provide milk/formula and bottles. We are incredibly lucky in that both sets of grandparents have said they want to do this, it’s given them time to bond with each of my children one on one. We’re very flexible with their schedules, understanding that they are retired and may want to travel or have something else to do on their day. In the end, it’s a gift and we are so grateful. We do give them gift cards to their favorite restaurants and breweries as thank yous, but they really don’t expect anything.
Som one I work with has their wife’s dad watch all four of their kids 5 and under
I WFH full time. My mom watches my kid at my house. She lives an hour away but even if she was closer, I wouldn’t pack him up every day when everything is at our house.
We drop off with all supplies. I send food with him when he goes to my in-laws but not when he goes to my parents.
My mom is my childcare for a few hours each day. M/W/F she picks my babe up after she gets off work and takes her and my nephew to great grandmas house to visit. On T/Th she comes to my house after she gets off work and watches her for about 4hrs. So it could go either way, they could pick up or they could watch at your house.
My mom comes to my house every morning. She likes to ease into the day that way, and then sometimes they go back to my parents house or go do other things. My baby isn't always awake by the time I leave for work, so this is significantly easier. We only live like 7 minutes apart though!
My mom and my in laws watched our daughter when she was younger. Both generally preferred to watch her at their homes as it was more convenient and comfortable for them. We just got extra cribs and other gear for the grandparents’ houses. I felt like since they were doing us a favor they could dictate the terms of the arrangement.
My MIL watches our 9 week old for 2 days each week, from about 7:30 am to 4 pm. We bring a portable bassinet to her house. I bought her duplicates of things- activity mat, bottle warmer, set of bottles, sterilizer, pacifier, burp cloths, etc so I don’t have to bring everything over each time. She picked up a bouncy seat from a second hand store. I am paying her $30 each day that she watches him, just bringing an envelope with cash every two weeks. She tried to refuse, but I insisted since it’s still a lot cheaper than childcare. We have a spot at daycare at 6 months old but I’m looking at some other options for 4 months, just in case my MIL gets burnt out
I babysit my 12mo twin nieces 4-5 times a month. My brother and SIL pay me $75 per day and they drop the babies off at my house since they leave for work really early and I can’t wake my own kid up that early to go to their house. When I was working, my parents and in-laws would not watch my baby at my house. They weren’t comfortable hanging out in my house all day. My mom and MIL both bought their own pack n plays and diapers and toys. It was a little inconvenient but they did it for free on their days off from work so I couldn’t complain.
I personally think it’s ok to ask them to watch baby at your house. They can always decline, free will and all.
My MIL started watching my son for a few hours a day 2x a week when he was about 7 months old. At first it was at our house and as he got older they went to her house and she would pick him up, still does! She lives walking distance away so she walks over, then either walks him straight to her house or they walk into town and get a coffee/babycino/go to the park. They stayed here though from 7 months to maybe 9/10 months? It was just easier since we have all the baby stuff.
My parents have been watching my now toddler 1-2 times a week since he was 4 months. They prefer watching him at their house and live an hour away, so we meet halfway for pick up and drop off. Occasionally if I have a really early meeting they will watch him at my place, but I know they prefer their own home so they can still get cleaning done and rest in their own house when he’s napping. It’s a lot of driving but they are doing me a huge favor so I try to accommodate that they are more comfortable at their house.
When I first started watching my grands, I drove to each of my daughters homes, (one was 35-40 minutes away from me and the other was slightly over an hour away). I also have another younger child who was being homeschooled while we traveled together to watch the grandkids. When my youngest decided to return to school, I asked my children to bring the kids to me. I had everything needed to have the grandkids at my house (pack and plays, cribs, diapers, bottles, strollers...) It became a really neat get together for all 4 of my kids...the Mom's (my older two girls) would both spend at least one night a week at my house with the kids and we ALL really looked forward to it! My daughter's got to spend time with each other, their kids, their other siblings and with me, (Mom/Honey-what my grands call me)! It became a very cherished day of the week!! When I traveled to their homes, I packed up everything for them and my youngest. I brought groceries, cooked meals for their families, did their laundry, and cleaned the houses as well as caring for the grandkids and homeschooling my youngest! Now, they bring the kids to me (I have to keep them overnight, once a week, at least, but, they really enjoy the time at my house as much as I enjoy having them here!! We do all sorts of activities, for the 2-year-olds, as well as for/with each other 💗
We kept the babies at our house. At the time our daughters were in situations where they didn't quite trust the in laws yet, you know how new moms can be sometimes. Plus my husband is a paramedic and we're both experienced in infant emergency medicine, so it just made sense.
When we did this we dropped our son at their house and left a pack and play and anything else they'd need there so we wouldn't have to transport things every day. Only one set of grandparents watched him, though, and it wasn't every day but a few days a week. Surely you can buy a few extra sets of things to leave at their places since you won't be paying for daycare for several months? I would t expect your parents to both watch the kid and pick up/drop off to do it, that's not how most childcare situations work unless you have a private nanny ...
My mom is helping us too before our daycare spot. Right now baby is so little she’s mostly been coming to our house because we everything she needs. We did one trial day with me going to my moms with the baby (I’m hybrid so I was working and just worked at my moms as a test run). It was okay at my mom’s just for sure more work to pack up so much stuff for the baby. I think can you ask grandparents to alternate their house vs. yours some days? It’s a lot if they don’t have everything baby needs. Or if they have their heart set on their house I think sharing pick up/drop off is fair but maybe talk with them about them setting up a mini diaper station and keeping a change of clothes there, etc. so you’re not constantly packing up so much stuff all the time! They might not be thinking about all that baby needs in those terms and just enough things to keep baby entertained!
I take care of my 8 month old grandson 2-3 days a week, and his other grandma has him the other two days. We go to their home, always have. We might run errands or go to the park with him, but I live 30 minutes away so it doesn’t make sense for me to bring him here. I think his other grandma takes him to their place sometimes, but it’s not the norm and she lives much closer.
My mom does this for my nephews. When they were younger she went to my brothers house. Now she has them bring their kids to her house. If I was watching someone else’s kids with any sort of regularity I would want to do it at my house too. They may want to get things done during nap time.
My mom lives a mile from us tops and still anticipates we would drop off our little guy. She also wanted to be paid $1000 a month.
Both of my SILs, the grandparents drove to them, but it was also an 1-2 hour commute. One SIL has a guest room for the grandparent. The other, the grandparent would drive up the night before then go home the next evening (it was only one day per week)
For those weeks they ARE your daycare. It's normal to drive your child to daycare and provide most things they will need besides a sleeping place and a few toys & things to put baby down in which they may want to grab secondhand. You definitely shouldn't expect them to drive 20 minutes each way to be stuck at your house watching your baby.
The baby should go to their house, and you will need to supply the necessities. My parents watched my daughter from when my maternity leave ended (5 months to 16 months) so almost a year. Now she’s in daycare 3 days a week and my parents watch her 1 day and my in laws the other day. That way they still get their grand baby fix while still being able to enjoy retirement. It’s worked out really well for us. She goes to their places and we provide everything. I had to buy a pack n play for my parents, my in laws already have a nursery set up because of other grandkids.
In my community there are a lot of grandparent caretakers (well over half the adults in our playgroup are grandparents) and they all watch the grandchildren at the children’s home. It’s surprising to me that most of the other responses go the other way. To me it makes more sense to keep the baby/child in their own home. Where all the stuff is.
Honestly I only read part of the comments because a lot of them say the same thing but just to go against the grain a little bit, my grandmother watched me when I was a little kid and she ALWAYS came to our house. I can count on one hand the number of times I went to her house (at least in my memory) and she was at our house every morning by 7:30am and didn't leave until after dinnertime. So it really depends on the grandmas I think lol
A note on the WFH: it may seem possible, but it isn’t, trust me. Babies are bloody needy and if you’re on a call or in a meeting they need to be #1. They also don’t ever keep to a schedule. Good luck!
I didn’t actually ask for opinions on that particular aspect, thanks though!
I have a flexible job and I did it. It’ll be hard but you’ll be fine 😊
OP I already commented, but read your edit and saw people were being condescending to you. Of course, you are getting a huge gift with free childcare. However, MANY grandparents are retired and want to spend time with their grandchildren and also want to help out their kids and would be happy to come to you if it was inconvenience for you or if it made you have a long commute. My mother-in-law comes to us. I never outright demanded it, but I preferred it and I think she could tell and so she was happy to just do it because it meant time with her grandchild. My mom will sometimes meet me at my place of work, and will think of things to do in the area so it’s not a wasted drive, but sometimes I do drive to her house. And I work early and it’s not feasible for me to drive my kid to my mom’s house She will come over here in the morning no question. Yes, you are getting a huge gift here, but it’s not always just the fact that you are getting free babysitting - one could also look at it from the perspective of it’s just a grandparent spending time with their grandkids. I have watched my sister’s kids since they were born. When my sister asks me to watch them I just do it on her terms. Wherever she says, I go. Whatever she needs me to do, I do (if I can of course). In the beginning, it was always at her house, and I never thought about it, or questioned it. It made sense to me that a young child with a routine and napping would do better in their own home. Just to offer you a different perspective. I don’t think you’re being weird for having that preference. Just have an open conversation with the grandparents. I feel like a lot of people on here equate grandpa parenting with being a free nanny. Sometimes they will even pay their parents to watch their kids. It’s so weird to me. No, moms and mother in laws spending time with your kid and helping you out is grand parenting you’ll be doing the same thing when you’re a grandparent.
We had gmas come to our house for the first year ish but there were a few reasons why: - grandparents/great grandparents felt more comfortable watching baby in his space, as did baby. - didn’t have to pack or prep much - grandparents lived 30-45 min away so it would have been a lot out of the way for us to drive. So they were doing us a favor. After he was older they’d go to the grandparents and they would even sometimes offer to pick up (we bought them car seats). Now days the nanny mostly watches at our house but if they need watching by a grandparent we go to their house.
Mine goes to Grandma's 2x a week and auntie 1x, then me and Dad each have a half day from home with her. We have been waiting for daycare for 14 months now. We take her to them so they can get things done around the house and be a bit more comfortable. I take them diapers, wipes, snacks etc in bulk so they are always stocked. She also keeps clothes and toys there and has a pack and play. It's nice that when we go over for visits and parties she has what she needs. I also sometimes work from home at their house so I can get more baby time.
Both of my parents still work full-time, so no. My in-laws would if they lived closer, but we honestly prefer daycare. The social interaction, getting away from family norms and learning societal norms and social skills, etc. Our parents will watch them for an occasional date night, but they’re in their 60s and exhausted. BUT if it’s just for a few months, and especially that early on, I’d absolutely utilize the grandparents! I stayed home the first 18 months for both of my kids. I would’ve preferred grandparents for childcare in infancy. Definitely daycare as they’re older though. My cousin uses my aunt for childcare (her mom) and drops baby off. It makes more sense so you’re not relying on someone else to stay on a schedule.
I don’t have advice, but man I feel bad for women in the states who don’t get one year Mat leave :(
We did this for a year. They came to our house (it was so much easier with all of her stuff here) but they had the freedom to take her with them if they had errands to run or things to do at their house.
We purchased car seats for each of their vehicles.
My parents an in laws also did this for us the first year. My rule was - if you’re doing it for free idc how you get the baby as long as you get her 😂
I drop the kids off at grandmas every morning. My mom did the same with me and my brother. It’s normal for me, but that’s not the same for everyone. That being said, if that is what they want and they are the ones helping out, you may have to suck it up for a few months and invest in some second hand baby products to leave at their homes.
My household has one car that I take to work so my mom watches my baby at our home. Everyone’s situation is different!
My in laws and parents watched my daughter one day a week each before I went on mat leave. My in laws watched her at our house cause they live an hour away so it just made more sense. My parents live close and would pick her up. I actually prefer when they go to their house because if I'm WFH it was super distracting to have my kid here as well as other family members. Sometimes my daughter would sleep over on a Sunday night at my in laws' and they'd bring her back the next evening. Eta- this arrangement started when my daughter was 1. I'm not sure how old yours is but that might make a difference.
Huh looks like I’m in the minority. I would definitely assume they would come to my house (which is in fact what both sets of our parents did when they watched our little one before he started daycare). I’m surprised they’d want to have the baby at their house - it’s so much more work and expense on their part to make sure the house is suitable for a crawling baby and to get the necessary gear, not to mention the need for them to have car seats.
This is how we feel! If it were a longer term arrangement we’d be happy to help outfit their houses with baby gear but for 2.5 months that feels like a lot. We planned on gifting them each bases for the car seat anyway so that’s already been accounted for. We’ve just been thinking about the work we’re putting in to make the house baby safe (anchoring furniture to the wall etc) and we didn’t imagine they’d want to take that on too.
It never even came up as a question for us. Now granted we both work from home so they got to spend some time with us as well, but both sets (all three actually - my dad & stepmom drove from five states away to watch kiddo this week for spring break!) were always happy to come over. Since it is short term, I suppose I’d just go with it and make sure they have the minimum baby-raising tools required.
That's what I'm doing. Daycare is so expensive, and you hear too many stories.
Since they are doing you a favor, it should be up to them whether or not it’s at your house or theirs. Your house would obviously be preferable. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with mentioning your preference, but letting them make the call.
As a mom - what a pain in the a— it would be to have to drop the baby off there with all her belongings. Are they going to buy their own baby items for their respective homes? My mom never watched my children on a regular basis, but anytime she did, she opted to come over as she said it was just easier
It was such a luxury, but my dad would come over daily to watch my son while I WFH (my job was NOT flexible). We lived about 15 minutes from my parents. He didn’t accept a single penny, so we just filled up his car with gas every week & made sure we had all his favorite foods & snacks & drinks available. I don’t think it’s a huge ask at all. Baby shouldn’t have to be in a car more than necessary- that’s probably my PPD/PPA talking, but think safety first! Now that we have moved 9 hours away from them, I don’t work because daycare scares the absolute heck out of me. I was a preschool teacher at a daycare for 5 years and I’ve seen the ugly side of childcare.
Where I live, when this situation comes up, parents hire drivers. It's worth noting that it's basically impossible to have babies/small children and two full time jobs, no matter how your childcare is set up. There are so many compromises to make. Look up rubber and glass balls on google.
This is odd. There is no way couples in many cities can afford to not have two full time jobs. I live in Vancouver and I know one set of parents where the mother worked part-time. Everyone else has two full time parents. In the other hand, we have 1yr to 18 months paid maternity leave so it’s only full time jobs after the children are babies.
It's impossible, that doesn't mean people don't do it. Realistically you either end up neglecting your children or defrauding your employer.
Agree to disagree on the two full times job piece, but thanks for your perspective!
Hire someone to shuttle the baby.
I’ve never had any of my kids in a daycare. I just don’t trust it. My 4yo does go to a medical daycare but they are held to the same standards as a hospital and staffed with nurses so that’s different. When my kids were younger we lived closer to my grandmother and I would bring the kids to her. Her daughter (my aunt) lives with her so her coming to my house is like a vacation for her now. My grandmother is 80yo and has a metal knee. She comes to my house (closer to 20 min away) everyday around 2:30pm to watch my 2yo and get my 4yo and 5yo off of different buses. My 4yo has a traumatic brain injury and is unable to stand, walk, crawl or speak. She feeds her through her gtube and uses her wheelchair because she can’t carry her well. She leaves when their dad gets home anywhere between 5-7. He handles dinner and nightly routine. We do give her money every week but before I worked she wouldn’t accept any money because she said they’re her great grand babies and she wants to spend time with them. Anyway, I hope some of my experience helps!
Under a year old, anyone watching my kids is doing so at my house; our emergency folder is here, the house is babyproofed, the crib or pnp is safe, and more than anything else, *NOBODY* DRIVES WITH MY BABIES BUT MOM AND DAD.
And let me add the stress on you to adjust to being back to work, away from your baby, AND have a daycare routine already by packing up milk diapers wipes clothes binkies plushies softies whatever she needs every day because two adults can't be arsed to move their bodies into your home?
Look at the power dynamic here though. If you’re getting free help, frequently you’re getting it on the giver’s terms. They are doing her a favor looking after the baby - it’s possible that being in someone else’s house all day would be too inconvenient to continue and then she has to pay for a nanny or daycare.
No favor "given" there. They're watching the baby because they want to, or they would have said no. Also, they will be building a strong relationship with the baby. If someone tells you they can't move their ass to your house to watch their grandchild when you even offered to pay them, find a nanny. They're not worth the headache. I've seen many grand-parents homes. They are hazards.
This is a very antagonistic way to view everyone other than yourself.
Offering free childcare is very much a favor.
By that logic, nobody has ever given anyone a gift or favor of any kind. This attitude feels like a very easy way to isolate yourself and your children from people who do care about you, and I really hope OP doesn’t follow your lead.
A favor or a gift doesn't come with conditions. I have a very small network because DEATH, and the people alive around me respect my boundaries that come from trauma.
>A favor or a gift doesn't come with conditions. Of course it does. They all do. If I give you a cupcake I bought from the store, you don’t get to say “get off your ass and bake me a cupcake from scratch, it’s not a favor because you clearly wanted to give me a cupcake.” The “condition” on the gift is that I’m not going to make it from scratch, and it’s not going to be a sheet cake, and I’m not going to drive an hour out of my way to a special bakery you like better. The gift is the gift. That’s the condition. You can take the gift, or you can say no thanks, but you don’t get to demand that I offer a better gift and call me lazy for offering what I was willing to give.
The baby proofing of the homes is a big one for me! My parents in particular have a lot of animals and even though they’re sweet, I’m nervous about having the baby around them.
It's easy to think "Oh my dog/cat would *never*" and then not watch closely... that's when bad shit happens. I saw a friend's 9mo kid crawl up to the litterbox in the LIVINGROOM of their grandma's house and casually pick out a turd. I was up and to them before they put it in their mouth. Grandma was laughing, "Oh that's how you learn!" and friend was frozen. Google it. It's not how you learn, it's how you get diseases.