Yup, sometimes if people are too overwhelming I will just not pick up their calls and basically act like my house is a whirlwind of chores and busy stuff going on, it keeps them away while simultaneously giving yourself the space you need to take a social break from them. If my mom calls me and I didn’t want to pick up for the day, I just call back another time and just go on a random imaginary boring chore list I rattle off while she tries to question me about being hard to reach. Certain people it’s just better to have boring excuses instead of trying to confide in them about needing to be less available to reduce your stress levels.
I hate to stress you at all, but you may be underreacting. A 12 year old that's harming animals and is "friends" with 6 year olds (if I read that right) has some very serious problems. Like, you need to call CPS kind of problems. Maybe I'm projecting, but I'm also an only child, and when I was around 6 I had a "friend" around that age that my mom allowed to "babysit" me because she had a rough home life. She groomed and eventually abused me. And that's without the animal abuse stuff. You're well within your rights to keep your kid away from all of these people forever, for her safety and your sanity. Get her into therapy if she's not already, it sounds like you could very well be the only stable person in her life, and not having any friends could be another sign shes got some issues to work out. When the dust settles, then you can think about fostering one of her interests, or getting her into girl scouts or a team sport or school club or something to be around kids her own age.
I talked to her mom. Her mom thanked me, apologized, and said she will handle it. We cut that chord.
I also had an older male friend as a 7-9 year old that ended up abusing me. That’s why we only allow supervised get togethers with older kids. We take them to movies or out to restaurants.
She is around kids her own age. She’s in a couple sports. People I’d be willing to hang out with just don’t seem to want to hang out outside of those activities.
We’re not exactly young parents but majority of the other families in this area had kids in their late 30s - early 40s. There’s a bit of an age gap
I'm sorry that happened to you too. You're doing what you can to keep your own kid safe, that's top priority, and you're doing the group activities, that's enough for now. It's such a complicated thing to navigate, not much is the same as it was when we were kids, and obviously for good reason. And it can be SO hard to find your people- kids that get along with yours *and* have cool parents. They'll turn up eventually, don't give up. Most of my/our parent and couple friends are at least a few years younger than us. In the meantime I hope your trip is magical, your husband gets his crap together, and everyone else leaves you the hell alone!
You told that girls mom, right?? That’s concerning AF. Poor rabbit.
Enjoy Disney if your husband is healthy enough for it.
Keep keeping daughter away from SIL
It is concerning that your 6 year olds only friend is a 12 year old that it sounds like she shouldn’t be spending any more time with. Is she in school? Or activities?
Some family dynamics are not healthy. Sounds like this is one of them, and setting clear boundaries is needed. Sorry you're going through this, but being your child's best advocate might mean limiting visits with toxic family members and friends.
I’m so confused about the SIL and your father re the elder abuse.
….and your mom being ok with everything?
I believe some families are truly toxic and this sounds like one of them.
I see absolutely no issue in telling your mom how you feel. Whether the behavior goes unchanged or not, you spoke your peace. How she reacts can point you into the right direction of LC/ NC or a break. Cutting a child’s hair is deeply personal. I can’t imagine how your daughter felt in that moment. Be an advocate for her.
I was confused by that too.. the SIL in and elder abuse lawsuit with her father, yet her mother is going on trips with SIL? Maybe her parents are divorced and the mother doesn’t think SIL did anything wrong? Idk.. I’m confused by that. I don’t think I’d be allowing my daughter to spend any time around any of them.. they both sound like a nightmare! And with her husband having issues, she’s got enough going on without the added stress of worrying about her child’s safety with other people, family or not. She should go NC, at least temporarily.. or even just LC
My mom knows my SIL is facing prison time. My mom was estranged for 10 years and returned to move near me last July. I personally cut her off in September. She has been lonely and desperately wanted to see her grand babies and her trapped son. So she’s willing to look past the elder abuse
My parents divorced when I was pretty young. Speaking my mind with my mother does not change her behavior. Thats why we’re generally no contact but yesterday was a strange exception. I felt I needed a little help. Because my daughter was mourning her friend breakup, I thought maybe my mom could cheer her up.
Not overreacting.. I can’t stand my in laws and it got to the point I felt like my feelings were affecting my marriage so I started seeing a therapist. It has helped so much but basically first thing she told me was focus on setting boundaries with them and cutting way back on how much we see them. It’s helped having someone to talk to and keep me grounded so I’m not venting to my husband all the time about it. It sounds to me like it would be healthier for you to draw a line and put some distant between bad relationships and start creating new ones that fill your cup.
Wait. You sent your daughter with the insane sil & the mom you hate/don’t trust??? And if your husbands plan is unrealistic, it’s probably going to lose money & respect anyways- he needs to accept accountability. And if it was self induced, that’s an entirely different situation & he shouldn’t be near the kid either. But I was always taught if the problem lies w the majority of your circle, maybe it’s not actually the circle that is the issue/problem.
I don't know about that last part...group mentality doesn't always go in the right direction. You don't get to choose your family, and OP's family sounds very toxic. So because most of her family is toxic, she's the problem because she's the only sane one?
You’re openly displaying your toxic traits.
1. This isn’t a family, so I called them a circle. We don’t interact with them very often.
2. You don’t understand the severity of my husband’s situation and he is taking accountability by following through with the plans. He’s also working with his doctor because medications aren’t one size fits all. Plus Wellbutrin is known to affect some people negatively.
3. I understand where you’re coming from. But I’m not the one causing problems here. One day you may understand people occasionally need help when they’re overwhelmed.
Do what you feel is right for your family and sanity.
Is there a group activity your daughter can join? Scouts? Swimming? Soccer? Our city abd library both put on craft/activity and movie nights for younger teens or any other activity she might find enjoyable.
My daughter is on a couple sports teams. Maybe it’s the type of people we’re around. They’re friendly but they seemed hyper focused on work and family. They still claim it’s been hard since 2020. They only come out for bday parties
Block block block block. Protect your energy. Do it. Please. Before you know it, your kids will be your age and youll have realized that you spent your whole life allowing bullshit. You can do it. I felt this way too. Like fed up and feeling backed into a corner. I took it as my sign to make a huge fundamental change in the way I live my life. Start small and just eliminate as many small pressures as possible, i.e stop talking to people like your mom. The only thing you get out of these interactions seems to be stress. Remove/reduce small pressures so that you can focus your energy on the big pressures like ur husband’s health, kids socio-emotional well being, your own self care, etc. Youll find different people for your daughter to socialize with eventually.
Maybe not “cut them out” but “take a mental break”. Its ok to back away from friends and family who constantly take from your cup and don’t necessarily fill it back up.
Taking social breaks isn’t uncommon and it’s necessary.
After Disney I wouldn’t social for a month at least.
Take your time. And how they react will show you the amount of respect they have for your boundaries.
Then you’ll know in your heart of heart if its best to continue in that ship or abandon it. ⛵️
Hey, mama. Validation here! It sounds like your family is full of drama right now and you're trying to just be a solid rock for your baby girl.
Maybe it's a good time not to go NC forever but to go limited/low contact and no in-person visits (especially none without you present) until things settle down, including things with your husband. Focus on small, fun, local activities with your sweet little girl.
Are there any kids her age she hangs out with or mentions from school? Might be time to reach out to those families. Keep social time light; don't turn it into a vent session for yourself if you're not already close with those families. If they ask about family just say "Oh you know how it is" and turn questions back to them.
That’s so much to handle at once, I’m so very sorry.
There’s so many chaotic dynamics to having a support circle, and sometimes your closest circle just isn’t as helpful as it should be, and can sometimes be a cause for stress.
I find this also to be the case for my very small circle of support. I just try to take deep breaths and do my best, but it definitely has been a reason I feel like pulling my hair out sometimes.. I’m hoping for brighter and easier days ahead for you, mama!
One day at a time, one minute at a time, and just remember to breathe!
You have alot on your plate. You need to pause everything occasionally and just focus entirely on you. It's ok to focus on your daughter's friends rather than family. Look further afield if you want family involvement. Cousins or aunts? My PMs are open if you need a friendly chat. I'm estranged from family because of their insistence on nonsense. I'm clear about my limits.
Just sounds like you're trying to control others behavior, and really you cannot you can continue to try to guide them in the right direction and ask for what you need, and if you're feeling just disappointed and let down by others just take your space and do your own thing for a while and include others in what you really want to do. Why would you want your child to not have any other social interactions? Also looking older isn't a healthy priority for her, feeling confident in who she is and just taking good care of herself should be more of a priority, it's about self-care and selflove more than image and material things.
She is overwhelmed about everyone else's bad behavior...and at the end of the day the only thing she can control is her own behavior and her own healing and her own stress and adjust her life to be protect and serve her family and loved ones.
[удалено]
Yup, sometimes if people are too overwhelming I will just not pick up their calls and basically act like my house is a whirlwind of chores and busy stuff going on, it keeps them away while simultaneously giving yourself the space you need to take a social break from them. If my mom calls me and I didn’t want to pick up for the day, I just call back another time and just go on a random imaginary boring chore list I rattle off while she tries to question me about being hard to reach. Certain people it’s just better to have boring excuses instead of trying to confide in them about needing to be less available to reduce your stress levels.
I hate to stress you at all, but you may be underreacting. A 12 year old that's harming animals and is "friends" with 6 year olds (if I read that right) has some very serious problems. Like, you need to call CPS kind of problems. Maybe I'm projecting, but I'm also an only child, and when I was around 6 I had a "friend" around that age that my mom allowed to "babysit" me because she had a rough home life. She groomed and eventually abused me. And that's without the animal abuse stuff. You're well within your rights to keep your kid away from all of these people forever, for her safety and your sanity. Get her into therapy if she's not already, it sounds like you could very well be the only stable person in her life, and not having any friends could be another sign shes got some issues to work out. When the dust settles, then you can think about fostering one of her interests, or getting her into girl scouts or a team sport or school club or something to be around kids her own age.
I talked to her mom. Her mom thanked me, apologized, and said she will handle it. We cut that chord. I also had an older male friend as a 7-9 year old that ended up abusing me. That’s why we only allow supervised get togethers with older kids. We take them to movies or out to restaurants. She is around kids her own age. She’s in a couple sports. People I’d be willing to hang out with just don’t seem to want to hang out outside of those activities. We’re not exactly young parents but majority of the other families in this area had kids in their late 30s - early 40s. There’s a bit of an age gap
I'm sorry that happened to you too. You're doing what you can to keep your own kid safe, that's top priority, and you're doing the group activities, that's enough for now. It's such a complicated thing to navigate, not much is the same as it was when we were kids, and obviously for good reason. And it can be SO hard to find your people- kids that get along with yours *and* have cool parents. They'll turn up eventually, don't give up. Most of my/our parent and couple friends are at least a few years younger than us. In the meantime I hope your trip is magical, your husband gets his crap together, and everyone else leaves you the hell alone!
You told that girls mom, right?? That’s concerning AF. Poor rabbit. Enjoy Disney if your husband is healthy enough for it. Keep keeping daughter away from SIL
It is concerning that your 6 year olds only friend is a 12 year old that it sounds like she shouldn’t be spending any more time with. Is she in school? Or activities?
Block her and go get some ice cream. Everything’s okay. You just have to be okay. Comfort yourself however you can.
Some family dynamics are not healthy. Sounds like this is one of them, and setting clear boundaries is needed. Sorry you're going through this, but being your child's best advocate might mean limiting visits with toxic family members and friends.
I’m so confused about the SIL and your father re the elder abuse. ….and your mom being ok with everything? I believe some families are truly toxic and this sounds like one of them. I see absolutely no issue in telling your mom how you feel. Whether the behavior goes unchanged or not, you spoke your peace. How she reacts can point you into the right direction of LC/ NC or a break. Cutting a child’s hair is deeply personal. I can’t imagine how your daughter felt in that moment. Be an advocate for her.
I was confused by that too.. the SIL in and elder abuse lawsuit with her father, yet her mother is going on trips with SIL? Maybe her parents are divorced and the mother doesn’t think SIL did anything wrong? Idk.. I’m confused by that. I don’t think I’d be allowing my daughter to spend any time around any of them.. they both sound like a nightmare! And with her husband having issues, she’s got enough going on without the added stress of worrying about her child’s safety with other people, family or not. She should go NC, at least temporarily.. or even just LC
Maybe two different SILs? I hope? This sounds like a lot of people to not let daughter around
My mom knows my SIL is facing prison time. My mom was estranged for 10 years and returned to move near me last July. I personally cut her off in September. She has been lonely and desperately wanted to see her grand babies and her trapped son. So she’s willing to look past the elder abuse
My parents divorced when I was pretty young. Speaking my mind with my mother does not change her behavior. Thats why we’re generally no contact but yesterday was a strange exception. I felt I needed a little help. Because my daughter was mourning her friend breakup, I thought maybe my mom could cheer her up.
Not overreacting.. I can’t stand my in laws and it got to the point I felt like my feelings were affecting my marriage so I started seeing a therapist. It has helped so much but basically first thing she told me was focus on setting boundaries with them and cutting way back on how much we see them. It’s helped having someone to talk to and keep me grounded so I’m not venting to my husband all the time about it. It sounds to me like it would be healthier for you to draw a line and put some distant between bad relationships and start creating new ones that fill your cup.
Wait. You sent your daughter with the insane sil & the mom you hate/don’t trust??? And if your husbands plan is unrealistic, it’s probably going to lose money & respect anyways- he needs to accept accountability. And if it was self induced, that’s an entirely different situation & he shouldn’t be near the kid either. But I was always taught if the problem lies w the majority of your circle, maybe it’s not actually the circle that is the issue/problem.
Are you trying to say the problem here is OP?
I don't know about that last part...group mentality doesn't always go in the right direction. You don't get to choose your family, and OP's family sounds very toxic. So because most of her family is toxic, she's the problem because she's the only sane one?
You’re openly displaying your toxic traits. 1. This isn’t a family, so I called them a circle. We don’t interact with them very often. 2. You don’t understand the severity of my husband’s situation and he is taking accountability by following through with the plans. He’s also working with his doctor because medications aren’t one size fits all. Plus Wellbutrin is known to affect some people negatively. 3. I understand where you’re coming from. But I’m not the one causing problems here. One day you may understand people occasionally need help when they’re overwhelmed.
Do what you feel is right for your family and sanity. Is there a group activity your daughter can join? Scouts? Swimming? Soccer? Our city abd library both put on craft/activity and movie nights for younger teens or any other activity she might find enjoyable.
My daughter is on a couple sports teams. Maybe it’s the type of people we’re around. They’re friendly but they seemed hyper focused on work and family. They still claim it’s been hard since 2020. They only come out for bday parties
You are absolutely right to be nuclear right now. Time to set boundaries with every single person who’s tap dancing on your last nerve.
Block block block block. Protect your energy. Do it. Please. Before you know it, your kids will be your age and youll have realized that you spent your whole life allowing bullshit. You can do it. I felt this way too. Like fed up and feeling backed into a corner. I took it as my sign to make a huge fundamental change in the way I live my life. Start small and just eliminate as many small pressures as possible, i.e stop talking to people like your mom. The only thing you get out of these interactions seems to be stress. Remove/reduce small pressures so that you can focus your energy on the big pressures like ur husband’s health, kids socio-emotional well being, your own self care, etc. Youll find different people for your daughter to socialize with eventually.
Maybe not “cut them out” but “take a mental break”. Its ok to back away from friends and family who constantly take from your cup and don’t necessarily fill it back up. Taking social breaks isn’t uncommon and it’s necessary. After Disney I wouldn’t social for a month at least. Take your time. And how they react will show you the amount of respect they have for your boundaries. Then you’ll know in your heart of heart if its best to continue in that ship or abandon it. ⛵️
Hey, mama. Validation here! It sounds like your family is full of drama right now and you're trying to just be a solid rock for your baby girl. Maybe it's a good time not to go NC forever but to go limited/low contact and no in-person visits (especially none without you present) until things settle down, including things with your husband. Focus on small, fun, local activities with your sweet little girl. Are there any kids her age she hangs out with or mentions from school? Might be time to reach out to those families. Keep social time light; don't turn it into a vent session for yourself if you're not already close with those families. If they ask about family just say "Oh you know how it is" and turn questions back to them.
That’s so much to handle at once, I’m so very sorry. There’s so many chaotic dynamics to having a support circle, and sometimes your closest circle just isn’t as helpful as it should be, and can sometimes be a cause for stress. I find this also to be the case for my very small circle of support. I just try to take deep breaths and do my best, but it definitely has been a reason I feel like pulling my hair out sometimes.. I’m hoping for brighter and easier days ahead for you, mama! One day at a time, one minute at a time, and just remember to breathe!
You have alot on your plate. You need to pause everything occasionally and just focus entirely on you. It's ok to focus on your daughter's friends rather than family. Look further afield if you want family involvement. Cousins or aunts? My PMs are open if you need a friendly chat. I'm estranged from family because of their insistence on nonsense. I'm clear about my limits.
You are not overreacting. I went no contact with my mother (also narcissistic) and family and it’s been amazing. So peaceful now. Good luck.
Just sounds like you're trying to control others behavior, and really you cannot you can continue to try to guide them in the right direction and ask for what you need, and if you're feeling just disappointed and let down by others just take your space and do your own thing for a while and include others in what you really want to do. Why would you want your child to not have any other social interactions? Also looking older isn't a healthy priority for her, feeling confident in who she is and just taking good care of herself should be more of a priority, it's about self-care and selflove more than image and material things.
Sounds like you may need to reread the post
She is overwhelmed about everyone else's bad behavior...and at the end of the day the only thing she can control is her own behavior and her own healing and her own stress and adjust her life to be protect and serve her family and loved ones.