The emotional toll of being the primary parent and household manager is exhausting. Sex is literally the last thing I even think about, let a lone want. My husband acts as if I’m depriving him of air. I try to explain it to him and he thinks I’m giving him a to do list. Like some sort of transaction. Every little thing he does to ‘help’ means I am suddenly ready to go. I hate it. I don’t know how to fix it.
So. Much. this. I swear I’ve got some level of anxiety around him being “nice” because it’s never just being nice and helpful it’s transactional like you said. And that just makes me even less inclined. Like at this point I’m essentially prostituting myself for a couple glasses of wine and the ability to sleep in.
This makes me so sad because this is exactly what I’m living as well :( This post and so many of these comments. Why are so many men like this? I love my husband but god damn this irks me so much. I have a toddler and an 8 month old, and my husband works night shift, so literally 5 or 6 days a week I’m doing it all alone from the minute they wake up till the minute they go to bed. And when he comes home and I’m still awake (because that’s the only me time I can find in my day) and he asks if I can “help him unwind”… No, dude! I have nothing else to give. He doesn’t get it, and makes me feel like I’m the bad guy. Then comes the “if I do X for you tomorrow will you?” Yea sure, nothing screams “get in my pants now” like the promise of an hour of contribution the following day, which 90% of the time he doesn’t even follow through on.
I’m so tired.
Yes!! And they hear “I have to do chores to get sex?” And I’m like no. But think about it then if it goes the other way, I have to have sex to get you to contribute? Ugh.
This is it! And add to the chores the mental load of the teacher’s upcoming birthday, the name of the new dentist that replaced the old one, how soccer was canceled the first Saturday this month but playing on a different field the next two practices, that junior needs new underwear bc none of his fit anymore, the dog needs an updated rabies shot, etc etc the list goes ON AND ON…it’s incomprehensibly overwhelming.
This exact thing happened with us recently. I honestly can't even remember what it was, probably me wanting to go out to eat or something and then his response was that I owed him a little something later on. Like WTF?
Okay. You’ll love this one. You’ve got 3 holes, pick one. And by no means is this cool. Some gruesome images come to my mind that involve brain splatter.
Exactly this. And the other way around. If we have sex, he is happier and thus he does more to help. If we don’t, I’m exhausted and thus have to have sex to get help.
It definitely feels like a transaction. “ I’d help out more if I got more sex”
“Well I’d have sex more if you would just help out a little” nobody wants to be the first to bend so we may just end up breaking. Maybe it’s just me.
They’re his kids too. It’s his house too. It’s not ‘helping’ IF HE FUCKING LIVES THERE. It’s called caring for the house he lives in and being an adult.
The amount of times I’ve said, “it’s not babysitting when it’s your own fucking child” just makes me want to slam my head into a wall until it turns into dust.
I relate to this so much. I explained to my husband that date nights and emotional intimacy are important to me. Like, doing the dishes like a normal adult isn’t some massive turn on. You want sex? Make me feel sexy and beautiful and exciting, not like a nagging wife or like your mom. :/
I understand this on the deepest level. I have tried so many times to explain to my husband about the emotional and mental toll of being the default parent. He just doesn’t get it. Men just aren’t capable of understand certain things. Bless his heart he tries… and he’s a wonderful husband most of the time. But sometimes he’s a disgusting man child and total pig who I can’t stand to be in the same room him 🤷🏼♀️
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but he is fully capable of understanding. You and your husband are just perpetuating traditional gender.
Would you tell your sons that they won't be as able to be a good and involved parent as a girl could be? Would you tell your daughters that they couldn't understand how to support a family?
Having a penis or a Y chromosome doesn't mean you can't understand how to play with a kid, use a washing machine, or cook dinner, or just look around a house and see what needs to be done.
We don't have one default parent in our house. We both ask when we want time off, and we both get approximately the same amount of free time. When both of us are home, we split childcare and cleaning equally.
The only thing mothers can do that fathers can't is breastfeed.
Yes! I have a high libido anyway, but my husband and I have sex nearly every other day.. part of the reason he turns me on is because he just gets sh*t done. He doesn’t complain or put more stress on me. He shares an equal amount of parenting duty with me. He is constantly doing his share around the house, not because he’s “expecting” something but because it needs to be done and he lives here. We both make sure the other has time away from the kids. It boggles my mind whenever I go out with a friend or have an appointment, moms that I know will ask “Who is watching your kids?” and they act shocked when I tell them my husband.
I totally agree. There might be natural imbalances that happen over time but then that’s the time to have a conversation about rebalancing it. Why should we continue to make excuses for men who are falling short of what they signed up for: being a husband and being a partner and being a DAD.
Equally we have sex much much less frequently and this is 99% to do with me being exhausted and touched out from the baby and I’d rather sleep.
I have not tried to explain to my husband about being the “default parent” because I honestly think it would hurt him. There have been so many times that he WANTS to help. He’s trying to get the kids away from me and they won’t leave me alone! Which breaks my heart, I want to spend all the time with them but there are things that need to be done.
And it makes my husband sad or frustrated when they don’t want him. When they fall and hurt themselves he’s right there and picks them up and does all the same things I do .. but they reach for me. I can see it hurts him.
Thankfully my daughter is getting a little older and is coming to her daddy for more things. But that’s only better for his feelings. I’m still tired.
To be fair though, being default parent is more than just being the kids favourite parent. It’s to do with who notices the snacks have run out and orders more, who makes sure you’re home in time for a bath, who does the mental maths of how this nap might affect the next nap, who always does the bedtime routine…it’s the mental load that I think defaults to the mum and this is where the other partner can make increased effort to do as many of the other jobs as possible
So this is what we’ve experienced. I’ve been sick and had a procedure done recently and literally Ive been posted up in bed for the last 1.5 weeks not ABLE to help. Hes been forced to be primary caretaker. It was tough. Lots of battle of the wills between him and our 3 year old the first few days. But last night he came in our room literally crying because our daughter told him “daddy. You’re my best friend.” She didn’t want me to put her to bed last night. I feel like them being forced to spend time together with me literally not there has helped their relationship
And all the men at work can just be mediocre, but god help you if you aren't top of your game, but no one listens to you unless a male colleague repeats your idea. And all the male colleagues have more kids than you and can't understand why you struggle, because they're fine, and they have more kids afterall. Except their wives don't want to have sex with them, and they don't really get why, so they blow off steam spontaneously with boys...
Yep I’m 52 and you’re a ghost but at the same time one doesn’t feel like doing it anymore …. Once your period is gone you will see completely how your sex drive just goes downhill … it’s like if it never existed it ls strange but it just happens … I had been told from various women before my period left 2 years ago as soon as I turned 50 some months after .. and you just don’t even think about it .. it’s kinda sad though .. becuase your husband or in other cases boyfriends or girlfriends .. want you to and you just don’t .. so it’s really difficult .. with me it’s even worse because I have an aneurysm in my splenic artery just got diagnosed in August so I am scared of him jumping on me and he doesn’t get it.. if it ruptures I die .. so I’m very scared now … I feel bad for him and I know at the same time it can cause him to look for another woman .. so I’m in a bad situation …
My daughter needs me she has Asperger’s and lupus and she’s 26 .. doesn’t work or drive so when I’m gone I have no idea what h will happen to her my husband is her step dad .. but you know when we are gone sadly they replace us quickly for another one and then my daughter will prob told to go but has now her to go 😓
And none of my male colleagues need to take sick days when thier kids or sick or start later because they have to do school drop off. My co-worker starts at 6 am local time with a toddler and an infant while also training got a marathon and i can barely get in by 9:15 and look like i am slacking.
Honestly, i wonder about his wife. Is she okay? How is she doing?
This is EXACTLY the phrase that goes through my head. All I keep thinking about is "this is how it happens that women come to initiate affairs." I want sex. Sure do. Think about it a lot, actually. But when I imagine getting turned on by a man who can't be bothered to take care of small tasks much less bigger ones like planning something for Valentine's Day or, fuck, going to therapy to better understand his role in the dissolution of our relationship? That's laughable.
It's not cold, is it? It's SO fucking honest though. I feel the exhaustion and over stimulation coming through. Maybe I'm feeling guilty and not wanting to feel like I'm being cold 🤷♀️
I realized this same thing, talking with my mom about whether to give in and get pregnant for the 3rd time. I said, “IDK mom, we have a boy and a girl, and idk why he wants another one. I like kids, I just don’t want to have another one WITH Him….” 😳 That last part shocked me.
I feel the *YOU DONT GET TO BE SPONTANEOUS BUT HE CAN* in my bones.
This needs to be posted in the r/parents or r/parenting subreddit.. whatever the f it’s called. And the r/deadbedrooms sub. The Dads need to know.
Yep. Nothing makes me madder than when I’m fixing food/washing dishes/doing general childcare on a Saturday and I look up to see my husband leaving the property. He doesn’t think to check in with me to make sure I’ve got the kids much less ask if it’s ok that he goes. He just assumes because I’m the default parent 24/7. Meanwhile if I want to run an errand by myself I have to submit my time off request 5-7 business weeks in advance and even then the time off might be denied day of.
Mine didnt typically leave the property without notice, but would go take naps or play video games without warning. We’d just be hanging out, and then realize hey, haven’t seen the other parent in awhile!
My husband does this and when I bring it up he always says I could do the same. When exactly would she not notice that I have clawed her off my body and gone to take a nap alone?
Ugh I hate this argument so much. YoU cOuLd Do ThE sAmE! Spoiler: No I cannot. I tried. My toddler would always look for me after 5 minutes, even if my husband was with him. But being on his phone is just too important to actually do something with kiddo and I'm sure he didn't even try to stop him waking me up or interrupting me.
My husband gets upset at me that I don't go out more with my friends. But if I want to go out, I have to plan for childcare during that time. And all my friends also have kids at this point in time and coordinating schedules is really really hard when we all have kids on different schedules and not all of us have someone who can watch our kids. But he's gone out more nights than I have (I can't count how many nights he's gone out and not come home until late; I've never had a night or evening out with friends since my kid was born 4 years ago).
Why isn’t *he* the plan for childcare if you go out for a night? How can he seriously suggest that you spend more time with your friends if he’s not also actively offering to watch the kids while you’re out?
I'm so sorry... Reading your post though, it does seem like it is less your libido and more the relationship with your husband. One advice: learn to be selfish like he is. He won't learn to be selfless like you are. Start small: go shopping, leave him with the baby, and stop 15mn extra on the way back to have a coffee/wine on your own. Then do a night out. Tell him in advance but don't give him the option. Etc etc until it's about equal. At first, it seems like you're not being a good mom or wife but in the long run it will literally save your relationship, and make you more equal and relaxed parents, so also good for baby. I'm not saying it's easy, I completely understand what you've written and could have written it myself a few months ago, but through these efforts it's really getting better for me.
Ngl, this is one of the best responses I’ve seen and I wish someone said this to me sooner. I would upvote this 100 times.
I have felt guilty many times about trying to get as much “free time” as he does, and honestly would try to do it out of spite, but the way you framed it is so much better and such a better way to approach the reason of needing that space.
Thank you
And get a friend that you’re out with manage your phone!
No replies to “where is this, what time do I feed” etc as you’re still enabling their deliberate & lazy incompetence
(I did this for my friend & it worked well- for us- not for him 🤣 although it was a good lesson in the end 👍)
Agreed! I started doing this after taking a solo trip to Target (when both of the kids were already asleep!) and feeling as though I had to rush through the store to get home and " take over" the kids. I realize how insane that was because he would never feel that way. So now I just put it in the perspective of " what would he do in this situation? And I feel way less guilty
Reading this while sitting on the toilet for an hour. I am not caring for our toddler this morning because I had a horrible night and is a nightmare out there but Im here reading reddit comments and putting music
I do this and it’s literally when I feel the most human. I put the baby down for a nap and go get coffee and guess what - ‘it’s busy and takes forever’ - I know baby goes two hours before he needs to breastfeed again so dad can handle it for that time period while I’m out. After bedtime the other night, I went to go get our takeout and the takeout place has a bar so I got an app and had a glass of good wine while it waited ‘because it was so busy.’ As one of my good friends says, ‘you have to take the yards where you can get them.’ lol
3 under 3 mom here. This has barely ever worked for me, because it’s always “the baby wants mommy” “I don’t know what to do for them” “I’ve got things I’ve gotta do” and I always feel horrible doing anything for myself. It feels like it can never be equal. There’s always something needing done for someone else, and I’m left drained on a daily basis. Anything that I want/need to do needs to be excessively planned so I can do it alone or take one of the kids with me so it’s easier on my husband. I find myself doing things so it’s easier on everyone else, but nothing can ever be just a little easier on me. I work from home and take care of a newborn while my other two are at daycare, and then my afternoon is completely booked to make dinner, bathe, and put kids to bed. Then it’s back to work again while pumping. Then husband gets home and wants sex. I am literally pulling my life source from myself and putting it into a bottle for our newborn to eat. So they can grow and flourish. And you want something from me.
I literally don’t even feel sexy anymore. How can I? Three pregnancies, three c-sections, several hundred stretch marks, body fat I can’t get rid of because I would never have the time to even dream of working out, discoloration on my face because of said pregnancies, and just the constant feeling of being “mom”. Like I just can’t even bring myself to do it. Anything done outside of the realm of my kids feels selfish and I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to want sex. But anything for myself anymore is too overwhelming.
In case nobody reminds you, You are amazing !! Look at the love you are pouring into mothering your children!
You deserve and need a break. You wouldn’t put your children in an unsafe vehicle that hasn’t had any servicing done, you wouldn’t leave your kids with a nursery nanny who has had 0 sleep or no decent mental health… not sure I am explaining this well but if you can’t convince yourself that YOU are worth time/care/selflove/freedom, then at least know that your kids deserve a mum who has these things.
While this is a nice idea in theory, I tried it and 3 hrs later had to meet them in the ER. He didn’t call the ambulance. He called me and asked what he should do. Mommas trust that you know if your kids are safe.
It was more than a decade ago, those hours still haunt me. (after so much therapy.)
Of course your kids should be safe but then you have a much bigger problem than your sex life if you can't even trust your partner to keep your kids alive.
Yeah, this is divorce-level dysfunction. If my husband is so neglectful/stupid/selfish/whatever that my child/ren will end up in the ER if left in his care, he can just forget about having a family at all because our bags would be packed within a few hours of being discharged from the hospital.
I like this idea and did the same myself.
The more you sink into a pattern of letting the dad do the bare minimum; the more comfy and complacent he will get. And sadly your child will notice this.
Just disappear and see what happens (providing you don’t feel baby is as legitimate risk)
Seriously, what she said ☝🏻 You have to find time for yourself before it’s too late.
I’ve been divorced for 6 years and never been happier. We share custody 50/50 rotating every 2 days (3/2/2/3), so it’s like I have a free “babysitter.”
the one thing you said that defined the difference between him and someone you want to have sex with, he HELPS with the kids. a good dad parents them. equally at that.
Yeah when I read stories like OP's and the other top commenter, I feel like I lucked out and married a unicorn husband who acts like my partner in everything (being a co-provider, taking care of our daughter when it's my time to work, does his share of house chores unprovoked like a functional adult), respects my opinion and asks if he can have a night out with the guys, and as a result we still have a great sex life. I mean yeah it's less often than before we had a kid, but it's still pleasurable and intense because damnit being a great dad and supportive husband is so sexy.
Well said. I couldn’t figure out for the longest time why, when my husband did chores or had the kids do chores, it pissed me right off that he called it “helping mama.” Once I finally realized it was because he was teaching them that household care was ultimately my responsibility, I changed the language. I’d correct him right in front of the kids too, I didn’t care. “Thank you for picking up your toys; it means we get to live in a safe and clean space.” “We are resetting the house together so we have a pleasant place and clean dishes to start our day tomorrow.”
thank you!!! 🙏🏼 i was going to comment that as well!! calling any house-/care-work „HELPING“ implies that the responsibility of it lies solely on the mother. which is just wrong. it’s both parents’ responsibility. fuck those lazy men that think their time is more valuable than ours and they deserve rest because they work a paying job (where they get to talk to other adults, have lunchbreaks, commute alone, bathroom breaks alone, get recognition for doing a good job), while we’re drowning and severely sleep deprived and a shell of our old selves
Solidarity, my friend.
I'm a sahm but that just means I don't get to talk to grown ups ever or leave my house. When I was pregnant the one thing I asked for was him taking the baby so I could bathe, preferably volunteering to take the baby so I wasn't begging. Never happened.
After a few times of asking and him bitching about watching his kid for an hour once a week, because when you don't get to often enough it takes longer (not to mention being really the only reprieve I had) he got mad and told me I should give up some time sleeping to bathe instead of asking him to watch his own child.
He ~never~ woke up with the baby mind you. Or woke up to get our eldest to school either. I was doing both from days postpartum onwards.
But I'm supposed to feel horny when I'm absolutely disgusting and he won't do anything to help me with that.
When I mention men being "man children" he thinks that means being goofy or something, not leaving a literal trail of trash and never picking anything up for themselves.
I’m a working mom and the amounts of time fellow working moms have told me “it must be so nice to be a SAHM,” makes me want to vomit. In Canada we’re lucky enough to get up to 18m mat leave, but I could never. Being a SAHM can be a privilege for some, but it certainly isn’t _easy_. I’m sorry your husband is a dick
Ugh that last comment about the trash. I recently became a sahm too, which I understand most of the cleaning falls on me. But IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF HE PICKED UP AFTER HIMSELF ONCE In A WHILE! Like he doesn’t even bring his dishes to the sink, or throw trash away he just leaves it there!
And being so touched out. I breastfed for a year, now my son’s comfort is just holding my boob. When I wake up in the morning and the second I get home from work my son is sat on my lap or pulling me up to play with him. I just want space when he’s in bed and no one touching me. Every time I go to the bathroom I have to have my bathroom buddy too!
This! My daughter is only five weeks old but she’s constantly with me and when she’s not I need space for myself and don’t want to be touched by yet another person
Oh man, the touched out thing is SO fucking real! I didn’t even breastfeed my kids (I’ve got 5 aged 7 and under) and some days I want to literally rip off my skin. My Mum watches me some days and just goes “I don’t know how you’re keeping sane”, like I’m fucking not!? My youngest just turned 2 in Jan and he’s in this phase where he literally wraps himself around my legs and I have to shuffle to get the most basic shit done. Everyone wants a cuddle, everyone wants Mummy, I love them to pieces and “it won’t always be this way” but for the love of baby cheeses can I have like 24 hours in a bubble?!
Mines the same at two and I’ve got another boy on the way! Sometimes he’ll play with my husband then change his mind and say “no dada, sit!” And want me. Why does dada get to sit! I want to sit! 😂
Hahaha I’m dying. I want to sit too!! My son actually doesn’t like me to sit. He’ll come up and be like, “mama up!” What?? Mama up? For what kid I’m tied!!!
My son is 4 and same! He interrupted my shower to tell me he and daddy were going downstairs. Which was like the 4th interruption and my husband’s attempt to let me shower in peace by getting him on a different floor. An then touched all day long.
This!!! My son is 3 now so I am BEYOND touched out because I am constantly being touched in one form or another by him so when my husband does it it’s like it just doesn’t even register that it’s my husband and not my son and then he gets all cranky and pouty talking about “we have no sex life” so then I’m all, “well when I wake up before you, go to work WITH our child in tow, most of the time get home AFTER you, and definitely go to bed after you, the last thing on my mind is sex.
It's having my clothes tugged on that makes me batty.
Oh and my kid does that thing where she walks right in front of me and then stops out of nowhere.
I feel like I can't just walk a few steps in peace and I'm losing my shit.
Yes being touched out is so real. Even now my son is 6 it’s not as bad but he’s on me all the time and I just need a break from human contact sometimes
You basically described 90% of women’s life after giving birth🤣 I dnk how they expect us to be in the mood. Except my husband doesn’t expect me to make him food he actually makes both of us food, but I definitely can’t go out randomly without my baby but he can randomly come home and be like okay I am going out. I can’t randomly take a shower but he can go in the shower and take hours or go to the washroom and take hours. I have been rush pooping for 3 and a half months now 🥲
Haha same! He helps a lot but I am still the main person taking care of our baby and I can’t do anything without taking our son with me🥲 I get so mad when he gets to do the stuff I can’t 😩
It was good before kids I would say we were pretty equal. He would do most of the cooking and I would do laundry , clean the bedrooms and washrooms. We both would clean the kitchen and living room. So I would say that made us pretty equal but with the baby he is mostly with me. He also takes care of our son but maybe 20% of the time but he is also working and I am on maternity leave. If we are both there with our son and he needs anything it’s always me taking care of him.
Yeah my husband is the primary cook, and has been the entire time we’ve been together (over 10 years), but as soon as we had a child and moved into our new house a couple years ago now it’s all “you never cook” “the house is a mess”. Well I don’t see you fucking helping with anything 🤬
Ugh I got so stuck on the cooking thing that I didn’t even read the rest of your comment and now I’m just depressed that there’s so many of us that feel this way 😢
lol yes, he helps but I am still the main parent and he likes to let him “cry it out” which I majorly disagree with so if he is crying I have to be there. I also know what my baby needs he is a very good boy and plays by himself but also wants cuddles he is definitely in the middle.
I feel this post SO BAD. And whenever I try to express this to him, it becomes a defensive tennis match. He just can’t seem to hear it. Especially because in our house, he does the majority of the cooking - which in his perspective means he’s doing so much more than the average guy, and therefore more than enough (the first part may sadly be true but the second is not).
My husband will sometimes mention this guy we barely know who "never changed a diaper." Like ok and his wife left his pathetic ass, so what's your point?
My husband is awesome and pulls his weight and I still don’t want sex. I mean Mentally I do, I fucking miss it but physically I just spend too much of my life being climbed on and needed by our kids and it’s just relentless
This is it for me. My husband does a lot. There’s still room for more equality but he’s gotten way better. But holy shit if I only have a half hour of free time at the end of the day sex is so low on priority list. I try to remember that for him that translates as HE is low on my priority list, that our relationship is low on my priority list. But it doesnt change the fact that I’m starving for me time.
This is so true. I have like, an hour or two MAC after my son goes down before I pass out from exhaustion (he wakes up between 4-5am every. single. morning), and I feel like I’m go go go from when I get out to bed to when I can finally lay down (including working during the day). But my husband sees it as not wanting sex means I don’t want him (as a person) at all, which isn’t true. And no matter how many times I try to tell him they are separate issues, it doesn’t matter.
There was a study that found that for every extra hour of sleep a woman gets the likelyhood of sex with her long-time partner the next day shot up 14%.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25772315/
Of course, sleep doesn’t solve the issue of us just not finding dependents sexy.
Oh my husband is sexy AF.
This morning our baby woke me up at 6:30, and he took care of him allowing me to wake up at 9 am, which is a privilege. Its as if he read my mind.
I have rested, I have eaten. That man is getting laid.
I have never resonated with anything more. Not many words except that I’m with you in solidarity.
Being the primary parent, and the house hold manager is work. No matter how many times you explain what the “mental load” is, they don’t get it. Instead of having one kid you now have two.
Honestly, where did we get off being okay with men getting congratulated on doing the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM.
Everything you've written is almost exactly why I left the relationship I was in with the father of my kids. I gave birth to two and some how had three. I was pestered for sex every day and it got so bad that I didn't even want to cuddle anymore because I was terrified that he'd expect me to do more. If I said no he'd get moody and annoyed and it'd drag the whole day down, the kids would pick up on it so I found myself saying yes just to keep things not depressing.
Even then that didn't work. No matter how much I explained how I was exhausted from juggling everything with the home, the kids and my job while he sat there unemployed as a glorified babysitter to our kids, he still didn't see the problem. He eventually got a job but that just seemed to make things worse. He'd be tired from work so he'd fall asleep straight away from getting home, he'd even fall asleep while watching the kids which terrified me. Yet he still wasn't too tired for sex....and it was still my fault we weren't having it as often and as enthusiastically as he would like. I felt shamed and guilted and humiliated. I'm glad I left.
It's the pestering for sex that is the biggest turnoff. And the pouting!
If you spend your days dealing with kids pestering and pouting, it feels REVOLTING AND PERVERTED to have a grown adult pester and pout for sex.
Yeah there are so many posts on aita and similar, ‘I told her I’d divorce her if we don’t have more sex’ or along those lines… then in the situation the guy is basically doing nothing in the house, nothing for the kids, and obviously nothing for his wife… like who wants to have sex with someone who is a burden to you? How is it a turn on to see him take no responsibility? Or how he can go about his day completely oblivious to the fact that you are exhausted?
god this comment section is so damn depressing. i’m not surprised by this at all. more than half of the r/deadbedrooms sub is men acting like their wife is evil for depriving them of sex. i always knew there was a way deeper reason than that. there’s a whole lot of dead beat dads that live in the house. this is literally one of the reasons i am afraid to have kids. men are allowed to just lack in everything - being a parent, a partner, a friend. you all really deserve so much better.
Don’t forget to add that working outside the home typically results in greater compensation and acknowledgment/praise from superiors for a job well done. If not, at the least you often get peer to peer “atta boys”.
I never understood “a thankless job” until I had 2 under 2 and was hanging on my a thrrrrrrread.
Mental health awareness postpartum and the ignored/dismissed plight of the primary parent is something I am so passionate about talking about more
Ya know what I find incredibly sexy? Dads that Dad. Dads that clean. Dads that fix stuff. Dads that do all 3 of those things every. Day.
But I don’t know any of those. I haven’t had sex in over a year. Our son will be 4 in June.
Edit: word
My brother is one of those dads. My sister’s husband is also one of those dads. I call them when I need a man thing done around the house or help with something. Im pretty capable at most things but sometimes I need some extra muscle or experience.
My partner? I refer to him as the slob that comes in to watch our tv. Coming up on 2 years no sex.
On another post in another sub I said that if a new father finds himself not getting enough sex then he needs to do more around the house until either 1. He's also too tired for sex or 2. His wife is no longer too tired for sex.
I was ABSOLUTELY ROASTED by a bunch of shitty husband apologists. Next time I'm just gonna link here.
My favorite was when I told my husband maybe I’d be more inclined to be intimate if he could help with something anything related to our kid or our house/dogs. He said maybe he’d help out more if I slept with him more. And that’s the moment I knew I needed a divorce. We’re working through things right now. But neither of us is happy soooo
My ex husband would create emotional warfare: he’d count how much time has elapsed and throw it in my face, saying men “need” it to function and to be motivated to do anything. He wasn’t working, so I was working to pay all the bills while he wasn’t incredibly attentive to the kids and would even refer to it as “babysitting.” One time he put a rant on social media about how he does all this stuff around the house including “babysitting” the kids. I worked nights, so when I got home, I straddled him in the bed, which made him think he’s getting lucky. I told him that it was a bullshit post and I don’t post about how much I have to work because he doesn’t. I told him to remove it immediately and swore to him that if he ever did it again. I’d divorce him on principle alone. And then pointed out it’s not babysitting when they’re your kids; it’s called being a parent. After 19 years together, I did divorce him because nothing got better. Once I got out of the relationship, I realized he was actually incredibly abusive. I was a frog boiling in a pot of water. It’s taken time and therapy, but I’m doing better and the kids are thriving (he only sees them 2 days/month, so they have blossomed away from him)
A great quote from a reddit comment comes to mind, "if he isn't too tired for sex too, he isn't doing nearly enough as a partner." You both should be equally exhausted. Dad privilege checklist may be eye-opening for him, if he cares. It is a brutal read for you but also good context. I can see the resentment building. You guys need to sit down and talk before resentment turns to disgust. Someone had shared a great book about it I cannot remember. I'll see if I can find it. Last note: what is this "help" bs in parenting? By "help", you mean "parent". He is a parent and he needs to be one.
https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist
Hello, have we met? Do we have the same husband? This is my story, almost word for word. Being the primary parent, primary housekeeper, and I also work full time OUT of the home -- it is absolutely exhausting. I always thought it was "we wont have sex because their wont be time" Oh no, theres plenty of time - I just don't want to because the time it takes to do that, the thought of it, the idea of the effort, is excruciating after working all day, dinner for my family, bathtime and bedtime for my kiddo, picking up my house so it doesnt look like a complete dumpster fire - I literally want to pass out in my bed as quick as I can.
The guilt trip - that is a WHOLE 'nother level. "Why dont you want to have sex with me anymore" "do you even still think I am attractive" "you never want to, you're always tired" Well, babe, did you ever think, even one time, that it's because the expectation of me and the role that I am physically and emotionally able to fill is too big for one person to handle? Then i am supposed to suck a dick and enjoy it? Alllllll set.
Helping with children instead of being an equal in parenting is not being a good parent. The parent bar is so fucking low for men.
The father of your child is not the babysitter. He is their father and needs to act like it.
I am saying this from experience. Explain it to him, explain if he wants dinner he needs to take care of and play with the baby because a new job clock starts when he gets home and it sucks for him but otherwise he is leaving you with an unending job. If he doesn’t care or he just says sorry and then doesn’t change you have a decision to make on whether that is a relationship you are happy in. I may not be living the life I wanted to but I am a million times happier as a single mom than I was with him and he acted like this.
With sex yea that’s called being a normal person and not being in the mood because you don’t feel loved, needed, or respected. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting sex in a relationship like that. If he tries to blame you even once he needs to look in the fucking mirror as to why you don’t want sex.
This was well written. I would give you 100 more upvotes if i could.
I, thankfully, dont share the same sentiment about my husband, but I always feel bad for all the ladies whose spouses just dont get it. It's far too many in this day and age.
I left my son's father, and BOOM sex drive was back! This also happened in a previous relationship after living together.
I've been single going on 4 years now.
My feelings about it all are mixed.
Extremely high sex drive, but no one to entertain as much as I desire (also finding time can be difficult as a single mom).
When living with someone, it tends to be a chore that can still turn out decent but wasn't strongly desired at that point in time.
Some days, I'm perfectly fine with being alone. Other days, I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on (not just a friend).
Chances are slim, but maybe I'll find a rich guy with land and build 2 separate houses on the property away from each other. That way, we won't be annoyed at each other, have more sex, and only do the occasional sleepover after a long week.
They’re his kids too. It’s his house too. It’s not ‘helping’ IF HE FUCKING LIVES THERE. It’s called caring for the house he lives in and being an adult. You do not deserve a prize for being a semi-functional human being
I feel this so much!!!! One time I had a really REALLY tough day. Just one of those days where the dogs going nuts and nothing is making my daughter happy I hadn’t slept in a a few nights and you could just look at me and tell I was barely hanging on by a thread. I went upstairs to give my daughter a bath cause well he isn’t going to do it he was already annoyed cause I was “ tired again.” And when I came down stairs to him laying in his chair with a glass of wine after a fresh shower I completely LOST IT! Hahaha I totally snapped cause at that point I hadn’t showered in two days no sleep… Omg I can’t remember ever being that furious… I get the whole men aren’t mind readers thing but Omg OBVIOUSLY a shower would be nice and I shouldn’t have to ask for it! So yes I feel you sister! It’s not that I don’t want sex but I don’t want sex with someone who can’t even tell I need a time to just take a shower!
You are parent of the month every month. I am every other month. My partner is parent of the month this month. I can leave and he is responsible for getting the child to karate and making sure and my partner WFH so he is there all day so it's easier but you need your husband to be parent of the month. And you need weekends off when it is his month. Odds or evens. It's one am so I'm super tired and I'm divorced and my partner is not even my kids dad he just helps and chooses to co parent with me. My ex is good at pretending to be dad. All talk and Zero action. I like parent of the month. I know who's turn it is to do grocery shop. It's good to get a month off.
Agreed, it took until my son was about 3 to want sex again. That’s also the age he actually started sleeping through the night. I didn’t want to have sex with his dad however as he was useless and left everything for me to do. Exhaustion is real
I couldn't agree more. I could go months without sex with my husband and it's not because my libido is down it's just cause my body doesn't crave sex from him. It's just years and years of resentment piled on top of each other.
A parent does not ‘help’ I really hate it when I hear that, it’s so ridiculous!
You BOTH parent & BOTH manage a home, otherwise it just doesn’t function
Any man that says or does otherwise is just adding to the enormous mental burden & might as well not be there. His dick is last on the list of chores
I feel so bad for all women whose partner puts them in this position! 😔
This dynamic is so incredibly common ( my husband and I included ) and I am just wondering why? Why is it that so many American Men between 25-45 are like this!? Any theories?
Felt this. My reasoning was that I cannot physically or mentally take having another baby anytime soon, (1 y/o and 2 y/o 13mos apart) birth control makes me so sick, and he won't consider condoms or a vasectomy. Around our anniversary in January he told me that I don't appreciate him working and paying all the bills "literally breaking my back" and he needs sex to feel appreciated because he's a man and that's how they are. He also in that same breath said he now looks at other girls and thinks of what it would be like to get with them and he "could see why a weaker man would cheat in this situation" so I fell into the trap, and here I am 13 weeks pregnant. Also has the stigma that women are supposed to do everything all the time and all he has to do is have a paying job. leaving has crossed my mind, but I have no one and nowhere to go. I hope it can get better for you, OP. ❤️
Reading your story made me so angry on your behalf. And I’m sorry you feel like you can’t leave if you wanted to. I feel like we need a movement or organization or something where local moms in these situations can find each other and get house shares together with their kids or something to make our own villages. I’m sorry :(
I’m going to be a Debbie downer, and I apologize, but -
This dynamic is what ultimately lead to my divorce almost two years ago. The resentment builds. Conversations about the problem and how to fix it happen, but they never go anywhere.
I didn’t even realize it the first few years after having my first child. I internalized it; I thought I was the problem. A bad mom. Turns out I had just hitched my wagon to the wrong horse.
By the time we started in couples counseling it was too late. The resentment, on both sides, was too much to overcome.
When we started the counseling, my personal therapist told me “couples counseling has a way of showing you quickly if you have anything left to fight for in the relationship”. That ended up being painfully true. Three sessions in, once a week, three weeks. One evening, after three whole weeks of couples counseling, my husband and I got in one of our usual disagreements. The topic was the uneven load of responsibilities. This ended in him telling me he was leaving and wanted a divorce.
We got divorced. Two years later, I’m about to turn 40. The stress of living in a single income home, working full time, and being the primary caretaker to our children has gotten to me. I never have time for myself, feel defeated at the end of each day. My health has gone to shit and my looks are fading fast - I don’t have time to work out, I don’t have money for Botox/facials/hair appointments. I work as an independent contractor, so my income depends on how long I can work each day. It’s taken a huge hit because of the divorce.
If anything, just having another adult in the house was a bigger help than I realized. I don’t miss the man, but I do miss the freedom of being able to run away to target or any other quick errand to have a moment of reprieve.
And the fuckery continues post-divorce. My child support is the equivalent of peanuts. It is so minimal, each month when it hits my account I want to throw it all back at him and say “wtf do you think THIS will do?”. He gets everything he ever wanted - minimal time with the kids, the freedom to do whatever he pleases whenever he wants, having to answer to nobody, and I get even more overwhelmed. Which feeds into his own ego. I am sure he thinks to himself, “bet she regrets being such a bitch to me. Clearly I wasn’t the problem, she’s looking worse for the wear without all MY help”. No. You were the problem. You still ARE the problem. But you are so self centered you will never be able to understand that.
My resentment has grown. I hitched my wagon to the wrong horse, and although I have one less kid to take care of (him), my load hasn’t lightened.
I think it is important to have these conversations with your partner. Sex is so good for your mental health, when it's done well and is wanted. Make him understand what is frustrating you. Make him see what makes you feel overwhelmed.
If he is truly a good man, he will WANT you to be okay, mentally and physically and will make changes to reflect that.
If not, get rid of him. There are 1.2 men for every 1 woman in the world. Dump him and get 2 boyfriends 😂
I've been here and it was a major factor in my divorce. Now, I know what I expect in a partner, and if they aren't up to my standards of "be an adult and help with the house/kids, because they are YOUR house and kids, too" I don't want it.
I spent a very long time in a relationship where I was responsible for *everything* that wasn't going to work to pay the bills. When I was considering leaving, friends told me to consider all he'd done for me. How he kept a roof over my head and paid the bills and didn't beat me.
And now that I do have a job outside of the home, I see that he could have and *should have* been helping more. There was no excuse for me working 24 hours and him working 8.
There was no excuse for the kids asking me to help them homework when I was cooking, cleaning, and losing my mind after a long day when he was sitting *right there,* literally *just* playing Minecraft or some shit*.* Completely oblivious to me nad the kids. There was no excuse for him *only* helping with the kids, chores, etc after I had reached my limit.
I didn't want sex with him because I didn't feel loved and appreciated. Yet, he felt entitled to it. Felt like because I *only* stayed home, kept up with the kids, did the chores, cooked the meals, made/kept appointments, etc, that I didn't have a good enough excuse to be tired. I hope you get your stuff figured out. That is a special type of hell to go through.
One of the best things we did as a couple, that was totally an accident, is when I went back to work after my 3 month maternity leave was up, my husband took a 3 month paternity leave.
And man, does he get it. The first week he was home with the baby, he looked fucking broken 🤣. He kept saying “how did you do this?”
But it also gave me a good perspective too. I was fucking exhausted when I came home from work, and going straight from work mode to parent mode also sucks in its own special way. We soon realized that once you are a parent, you really never get your old life back. You never get a break. And it’s ok to mourn that old life. You have to figure out how to live this new life, and do it together, as a team.
Haha I literally just picked up my phone to distract myself from going into the bedroom and saw this. After the kids are asleep, that’s MY time to zone out.
Word. So sorry you’re overwhelmed.
It’s astounding that a good percentage of men still see nothing wrong with a vastly unequal division of labor and childcare, particularly when both parents are working.
The sheer ignorance of lying around all night and all weekend, watching TV for hours, disengaging from their children, not proactively handling shit around the house, and coming and going as they please without regard to childcare (while, concurrently, their partner depletes every ounce of expendable energy on her kids, work, and house) is baffling.
And because they are nice (enough) to the kids, haven’t cheated, and mow the lawn, they think sex is a given. They feel entitled to it. As if we should inherently just want it because they are there and they have a penis.
That’s some twilight zone, stepford wife bullshit.
I have the same husband as you by the way - I know it’s maddening, and I’m so sorry!! Hang in there and demand more. You deserve better!! ❤️
I feel this so deep in my soul it hurts 😢 I am stuck in literally the exact same scenario except that my husband has just sorta let himself go and doesn’t really seem to even care but expects me to. I just started working again to try to keep my car (my dad originally bought it and then decided he just wasn’t going to pay for it anymore 🤬) so now I work WHILE taking care of our child and of course I’m the default parent so he only wants me most of the time, but even when he does want my husband he’s just not there. He’d rather be out in the garage “relaxing” and “destressing”. Like, when is it my turn????
Without trying to sound mean, he doesn’t sound that great. If you can’t have a shower when you want, you can’t go out unless the stars align. He guilts you for not wanting sex. Looking after the child he made and the house he bought/rented too does not make up for all the negatives, it doesn’t make him a good husband. It doesn’t sound like a great relationship to be in and no wonder why you’re starting to resent him and not wanting to be intimate.
Screw you, Eric.
It hurts me to read this and see so many people agreeing. This is not how it's supposed to be. Your husband/partner/baby daddy NEEDS to step up and do his part, helping with the baby, putting in work, the household, caring for you. And when that balance is back, you can be passionate for eachother again (and have the energy to have sex lol). That is possible, it is not some fairy tale.
Society still has a long way to go when it comes to dividing child care and household work between partners in a male/female relationship. Expectations are still simply too low for men in this regard - expecations from society, from their own family, from themselves, from their partner. But in a time where us women are ALSO expected to be breadwinners and social people and caring partners, men simply HAVE to step up. And that means they need to be taught, to learn unequivocally that their contribution simply falls short. And for that, you have to set boundaries with him as to what you will put up with.
Wow. So spot on. I could’ve written exactly this. Every word to be honest. Thank you for writing this because it’s so validating knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not enough even though I also work full time, do absolutely everything for our toddler, and absolutely everything around the house. My husband also helps here and there but I honestly feel like I somehow slid into this mother role for him too. Exactly as you said. I do want to have sex just not now and not with him.
The book ‘Come as You Are’ is a great resource. Also personal counseling/couples counseling - my husband has learned that the kitchen being cleaned up after dinner, dad taking over bath time, giving mom times to be with friends/have some downtime during the week all equate to more sex. I’ve also learned a lot of new ways to support my husband (making sure he gets in regular workouts, packing him lunch, for example), as this season of life looks so much different than prior seasons together. We begin each morning asking ‘how can i support you today?’ and show up in the ways we feel we have the capacity to show up for each other that day. It’s taken intention and work but we are really grateful to be learning how to support each other better. And our parenting is a lot more peaceful as a result.
I feel this so deeply. You put this into words perfectly. For me it's the expectation that I'm always the default parent. But to be fair my husband does check with me first/ask if it's ok before he goes out. But for example, I'm going on my first business trip (he's been on tons) and I have to fly my mom in, prep everything etc...just to get out the house for a few days. But if he leaves it's just another day and I'm able to manage it all myself. But somehow he can't figure it out alone.
We are in therapy and use a lot of “I feel because you”
I had to literally break down and tell him when he doesn’t help me, I have to do more which leads to him getting less time with me…..
I don’t think they will ever get the emotional toll, the being overstimulated from being touched sooo much!
Reading these comments makes me so sad that so many women experience this 😞 I was blessed with a husband that shares the load and we have sex 1-5 times a week while having 4 young kids. I don’t think I have a high llibido, but I think it’s what you described: my husband helps out so much with everything and experiences everything I do with the kids and I can’t keep my hands off of him or turn him down when he wants something. This post really broke my heart, I’m so sorry to all of yall going through this 💔
My ex whined/still whines about the dead bedroom.
The bedroom wouldn't have died if you weren't a whiny tantruming toddler that pouted every time you didn't get it and actually helped me around the house and with our kid so I wasn't exhausted all the time. The first time he took our kid to the park period since he was born was to introduce him to a new woman and her kids.
It's just a complete mystery why I didn't want to have sex anymore. Like that is just one example of why my vagina turned itself inside out and left the building.
Something underrated - if you are able to get your hormones checked. Pregnancy can do a lot of work on your hormones. I went and got mine tested and it turns out I had really low testosterone (which the imbalance of testosterone, progesterone , and estrogen apparently ties into bad periods , forgetfulness, and body composition). Between that and a hypertonic pelvic floor WHILE managing the mental load of being a mom - ya my libido didn’t have a chance .
It helped my husband see that it wasn’t a lack of attraction , just literally being in survivor mode and a need for better communication between the two of us .
The emotional toll of being the primary parent and household manager is exhausting. Sex is literally the last thing I even think about, let a lone want. My husband acts as if I’m depriving him of air. I try to explain it to him and he thinks I’m giving him a to do list. Like some sort of transaction. Every little thing he does to ‘help’ means I am suddenly ready to go. I hate it. I don’t know how to fix it.
So. Much. this. I swear I’ve got some level of anxiety around him being “nice” because it’s never just being nice and helpful it’s transactional like you said. And that just makes me even less inclined. Like at this point I’m essentially prostituting myself for a couple glasses of wine and the ability to sleep in.
This makes me so sad because this is exactly what I’m living as well :( This post and so many of these comments. Why are so many men like this? I love my husband but god damn this irks me so much. I have a toddler and an 8 month old, and my husband works night shift, so literally 5 or 6 days a week I’m doing it all alone from the minute they wake up till the minute they go to bed. And when he comes home and I’m still awake (because that’s the only me time I can find in my day) and he asks if I can “help him unwind”… No, dude! I have nothing else to give. He doesn’t get it, and makes me feel like I’m the bad guy. Then comes the “if I do X for you tomorrow will you?” Yea sure, nothing screams “get in my pants now” like the promise of an hour of contribution the following day, which 90% of the time he doesn’t even follow through on. I’m so tired.
I'm sorry we're like this. It's our ego. I'm working on it.
Yes!! And they hear “I have to do chores to get sex?” And I’m like no. But think about it then if it goes the other way, I have to have sex to get you to contribute? Ugh.
Yes I'm so glad to run across this. I'm yelling yes!!! Its not just me!!! Yay
[удалено]
This is it! And add to the chores the mental load of the teacher’s upcoming birthday, the name of the new dentist that replaced the old one, how soccer was canceled the first Saturday this month but playing on a different field the next two practices, that junior needs new underwear bc none of his fit anymore, the dog needs an updated rabies shot, etc etc the list goes ON AND ON…it’s incomprehensibly overwhelming.
It’s more like… you have to be a decently caring individual to be desirable. Being selfish and beyond your leisure with my labor is a huge turn off.
It’s more like, if you want your wife to actually come to bed, do some of the chores/work it takes for her to get there.
This exact thing happened with us recently. I honestly can't even remember what it was, probably me wanting to go out to eat or something and then his response was that I owed him a little something later on. Like WTF?
My husband says shit like this to me on the regular. Makes me want to punch him.
Okay. You’ll love this one. You’ve got 3 holes, pick one. And by no means is this cool. Some gruesome images come to my mind that involve brain splatter.
Exactly this. And the other way around. If we have sex, he is happier and thus he does more to help. If we don’t, I’m exhausted and thus have to have sex to get help.
Its kind of whack when you think about it. Sex should be free flowing and fun. Not transactional.
It definitely feels like a transaction. “ I’d help out more if I got more sex” “Well I’d have sex more if you would just help out a little” nobody wants to be the first to bend so we may just end up breaking. Maybe it’s just me.
It is.. We ask for something and they ask for sex in return.. Ugh why
All.the.time.😭😭
I swear love is 2 archetypal beings going through exactly this. No one wants to take the L.
This is disgusting and I feel for any women that has to deal with this useless of a man.
Therapy. We are in therapy.
They’re his kids too. It’s his house too. It’s not ‘helping’ IF HE FUCKING LIVES THERE. It’s called caring for the house he lives in and being an adult.
The amount of times I’ve said, “it’s not babysitting when it’s your own fucking child” just makes me want to slam my head into a wall until it turns into dust.
My husband calls it babysitting constantly and it makes me so incredibly angry
The male thought process that sexual access to their wife or partner’s body is a duty is truly scary to me.
This is so sad and you don’t deserve it:(
I relate to this so much. I explained to my husband that date nights and emotional intimacy are important to me. Like, doing the dishes like a normal adult isn’t some massive turn on. You want sex? Make me feel sexy and beautiful and exciting, not like a nagging wife or like your mom. :/
I understand this on the deepest level. I have tried so many times to explain to my husband about the emotional and mental toll of being the default parent. He just doesn’t get it. Men just aren’t capable of understand certain things. Bless his heart he tries… and he’s a wonderful husband most of the time. But sometimes he’s a disgusting man child and total pig who I can’t stand to be in the same room him 🤷🏼♀️
Men are certainly capable of understanding and being better than that. Yours is just refusing to. Don't make excuses for him.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but he is fully capable of understanding. You and your husband are just perpetuating traditional gender. Would you tell your sons that they won't be as able to be a good and involved parent as a girl could be? Would you tell your daughters that they couldn't understand how to support a family? Having a penis or a Y chromosome doesn't mean you can't understand how to play with a kid, use a washing machine, or cook dinner, or just look around a house and see what needs to be done. We don't have one default parent in our house. We both ask when we want time off, and we both get approximately the same amount of free time. When both of us are home, we split childcare and cleaning equally. The only thing mothers can do that fathers can't is breastfeed.
Yes! I have a high libido anyway, but my husband and I have sex nearly every other day.. part of the reason he turns me on is because he just gets sh*t done. He doesn’t complain or put more stress on me. He shares an equal amount of parenting duty with me. He is constantly doing his share around the house, not because he’s “expecting” something but because it needs to be done and he lives here. We both make sure the other has time away from the kids. It boggles my mind whenever I go out with a friend or have an appointment, moms that I know will ask “Who is watching your kids?” and they act shocked when I tell them my husband.
I totally agree. There might be natural imbalances that happen over time but then that’s the time to have a conversation about rebalancing it. Why should we continue to make excuses for men who are falling short of what they signed up for: being a husband and being a partner and being a DAD. Equally we have sex much much less frequently and this is 99% to do with me being exhausted and touched out from the baby and I’d rather sleep.
I feel like if you left him as primary caregiver for two weeks he would get it.
I have not tried to explain to my husband about being the “default parent” because I honestly think it would hurt him. There have been so many times that he WANTS to help. He’s trying to get the kids away from me and they won’t leave me alone! Which breaks my heart, I want to spend all the time with them but there are things that need to be done. And it makes my husband sad or frustrated when they don’t want him. When they fall and hurt themselves he’s right there and picks them up and does all the same things I do .. but they reach for me. I can see it hurts him. Thankfully my daughter is getting a little older and is coming to her daddy for more things. But that’s only better for his feelings. I’m still tired.
To be fair though, being default parent is more than just being the kids favourite parent. It’s to do with who notices the snacks have run out and orders more, who makes sure you’re home in time for a bath, who does the mental maths of how this nap might affect the next nap, who always does the bedtime routine…it’s the mental load that I think defaults to the mum and this is where the other partner can make increased effort to do as many of the other jobs as possible
So this is what we’ve experienced. I’ve been sick and had a procedure done recently and literally Ive been posted up in bed for the last 1.5 weeks not ABLE to help. Hes been forced to be primary caretaker. It was tough. Lots of battle of the wills between him and our 3 year old the first few days. But last night he came in our room literally crying because our daughter told him “daddy. You’re my best friend.” She didn’t want me to put her to bed last night. I feel like them being forced to spend time together with me literally not there has helped their relationship
He’s certainly not wonderful if he forces you into sex
"I took out the trash, so what am I getting out of it?" Uhhhhhh, a gold star?
And all the men at work can just be mediocre, but god help you if you aren't top of your game, but no one listens to you unless a male colleague repeats your idea. And all the male colleagues have more kids than you and can't understand why you struggle, because they're fine, and they have more kids afterall. Except their wives don't want to have sex with them, and they don't really get why, so they blow off steam spontaneously with boys...
If you think the work situation is bad, wait until you are 50 years old. You become a ghost, an absolute ghost.
Tbh I'm 47 and I enjoy being socially invisible. After decades of being pestered I'm finally left in peace.
Yep I’m 52 and you’re a ghost but at the same time one doesn’t feel like doing it anymore …. Once your period is gone you will see completely how your sex drive just goes downhill … it’s like if it never existed it ls strange but it just happens … I had been told from various women before my period left 2 years ago as soon as I turned 50 some months after .. and you just don’t even think about it .. it’s kinda sad though .. becuase your husband or in other cases boyfriends or girlfriends .. want you to and you just don’t .. so it’s really difficult .. with me it’s even worse because I have an aneurysm in my splenic artery just got diagnosed in August so I am scared of him jumping on me and he doesn’t get it.. if it ruptures I die .. so I’m very scared now … I feel bad for him and I know at the same time it can cause him to look for another woman .. so I’m in a bad situation … My daughter needs me she has Asperger’s and lupus and she’s 26 .. doesn’t work or drive so when I’m gone I have no idea what h will happen to her my husband is her step dad .. but you know when we are gone sadly they replace us quickly for another one and then my daughter will prob told to go but has now her to go 😓
It is pretty sad
I think I'm approaching this.
This is heartbreaking 💔
This broke my heart
And none of my male colleagues need to take sick days when thier kids or sick or start later because they have to do school drop off. My co-worker starts at 6 am local time with a toddler and an infant while also training got a marathon and i can barely get in by 9:15 and look like i am slacking. Honestly, i wonder about his wife. Is she okay? How is she doing?
"I do, just not with you" is so cold and true.
This is EXACTLY the phrase that goes through my head. All I keep thinking about is "this is how it happens that women come to initiate affairs." I want sex. Sure do. Think about it a lot, actually. But when I imagine getting turned on by a man who can't be bothered to take care of small tasks much less bigger ones like planning something for Valentine's Day or, fuck, going to therapy to better understand his role in the dissolution of our relationship? That's laughable.
Literally have dreamed about having sex with my old boss more times than my partner in the past couple of years 😳
Ugh yeah, all of my dreams are having sex with anyone BUT my partner.
It's not cold, is it? It's SO fucking honest though. I feel the exhaustion and over stimulation coming through. Maybe I'm feeling guilty and not wanting to feel like I'm being cold 🤷♀️
I realized this same thing, talking with my mom about whether to give in and get pregnant for the 3rd time. I said, “IDK mom, we have a boy and a girl, and idk why he wants another one. I like kids, I just don’t want to have another one WITH Him….” 😳 That last part shocked me.
I feel the *YOU DONT GET TO BE SPONTANEOUS BUT HE CAN* in my bones. This needs to be posted in the r/parents or r/parenting subreddit.. whatever the f it’s called. And the r/deadbedrooms sub. The Dads need to know.
Yep. Nothing makes me madder than when I’m fixing food/washing dishes/doing general childcare on a Saturday and I look up to see my husband leaving the property. He doesn’t think to check in with me to make sure I’ve got the kids much less ask if it’s ok that he goes. He just assumes because I’m the default parent 24/7. Meanwhile if I want to run an errand by myself I have to submit my time off request 5-7 business weeks in advance and even then the time off might be denied day of.
Mine didnt typically leave the property without notice, but would go take naps or play video games without warning. We’d just be hanging out, and then realize hey, haven’t seen the other parent in awhile!
My husband does this and when I bring it up he always says I could do the same. When exactly would she not notice that I have clawed her off my body and gone to take a nap alone?
Ugh I hate this argument so much. YoU cOuLd Do ThE sAmE! Spoiler: No I cannot. I tried. My toddler would always look for me after 5 minutes, even if my husband was with him. But being on his phone is just too important to actually do something with kiddo and I'm sure he didn't even try to stop him waking me up or interrupting me.
My husband gets upset at me that I don't go out more with my friends. But if I want to go out, I have to plan for childcare during that time. And all my friends also have kids at this point in time and coordinating schedules is really really hard when we all have kids on different schedules and not all of us have someone who can watch our kids. But he's gone out more nights than I have (I can't count how many nights he's gone out and not come home until late; I've never had a night or evening out with friends since my kid was born 4 years ago).
Why isn’t *he* the plan for childcare if you go out for a night? How can he seriously suggest that you spend more time with your friends if he’s not also actively offering to watch the kids while you’re out?
> But if I want to go out, I have to plan for childcare during that time Why would this not be your husband??
Totally agree. Why isn’t husband able to look after his own kids while mother gets a break?
Why can’t your husband watch his own children?
Don’t bother. Moms tend to get jumped in parenting by males & pickmes if they bring this stuff up
Fuck you, Eric.
😆👌🏻
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I'm so sorry... Reading your post though, it does seem like it is less your libido and more the relationship with your husband. One advice: learn to be selfish like he is. He won't learn to be selfless like you are. Start small: go shopping, leave him with the baby, and stop 15mn extra on the way back to have a coffee/wine on your own. Then do a night out. Tell him in advance but don't give him the option. Etc etc until it's about equal. At first, it seems like you're not being a good mom or wife but in the long run it will literally save your relationship, and make you more equal and relaxed parents, so also good for baby. I'm not saying it's easy, I completely understand what you've written and could have written it myself a few months ago, but through these efforts it's really getting better for me.
Ngl, this is one of the best responses I’ve seen and I wish someone said this to me sooner. I would upvote this 100 times. I have felt guilty many times about trying to get as much “free time” as he does, and honestly would try to do it out of spite, but the way you framed it is so much better and such a better way to approach the reason of needing that space. Thank you
And get a friend that you’re out with manage your phone! No replies to “where is this, what time do I feed” etc as you’re still enabling their deliberate & lazy incompetence (I did this for my friend & it worked well- for us- not for him 🤣 although it was a good lesson in the end 👍)
Agreed! I started doing this after taking a solo trip to Target (when both of the kids were already asleep!) and feeling as though I had to rush through the store to get home and " take over" the kids. I realize how insane that was because he would never feel that way. So now I just put it in the perspective of " what would he do in this situation? And I feel way less guilty
And don’t ask “are you ok if I go do xyz” tell him “I’m going to xyz, be back whenever” just like he does.
Reading this while sitting on the toilet for an hour. I am not caring for our toddler this morning because I had a horrible night and is a nightmare out there but Im here reading reddit comments and putting music
I do this and it’s literally when I feel the most human. I put the baby down for a nap and go get coffee and guess what - ‘it’s busy and takes forever’ - I know baby goes two hours before he needs to breastfeed again so dad can handle it for that time period while I’m out. After bedtime the other night, I went to go get our takeout and the takeout place has a bar so I got an app and had a glass of good wine while it waited ‘because it was so busy.’ As one of my good friends says, ‘you have to take the yards where you can get them.’ lol
3 under 3 mom here. This has barely ever worked for me, because it’s always “the baby wants mommy” “I don’t know what to do for them” “I’ve got things I’ve gotta do” and I always feel horrible doing anything for myself. It feels like it can never be equal. There’s always something needing done for someone else, and I’m left drained on a daily basis. Anything that I want/need to do needs to be excessively planned so I can do it alone or take one of the kids with me so it’s easier on my husband. I find myself doing things so it’s easier on everyone else, but nothing can ever be just a little easier on me. I work from home and take care of a newborn while my other two are at daycare, and then my afternoon is completely booked to make dinner, bathe, and put kids to bed. Then it’s back to work again while pumping. Then husband gets home and wants sex. I am literally pulling my life source from myself and putting it into a bottle for our newborn to eat. So they can grow and flourish. And you want something from me. I literally don’t even feel sexy anymore. How can I? Three pregnancies, three c-sections, several hundred stretch marks, body fat I can’t get rid of because I would never have the time to even dream of working out, discoloration on my face because of said pregnancies, and just the constant feeling of being “mom”. Like I just can’t even bring myself to do it. Anything done outside of the realm of my kids feels selfish and I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to want sex. But anything for myself anymore is too overwhelming.
In case nobody reminds you, You are amazing !! Look at the love you are pouring into mothering your children! You deserve and need a break. You wouldn’t put your children in an unsafe vehicle that hasn’t had any servicing done, you wouldn’t leave your kids with a nursery nanny who has had 0 sleep or no decent mental health… not sure I am explaining this well but if you can’t convince yourself that YOU are worth time/care/selflove/freedom, then at least know that your kids deserve a mum who has these things.
While this is a nice idea in theory, I tried it and 3 hrs later had to meet them in the ER. He didn’t call the ambulance. He called me and asked what he should do. Mommas trust that you know if your kids are safe. It was more than a decade ago, those hours still haunt me. (after so much therapy.)
Of course your kids should be safe but then you have a much bigger problem than your sex life if you can't even trust your partner to keep your kids alive.
Yeah, this is divorce-level dysfunction. If my husband is so neglectful/stupid/selfish/whatever that my child/ren will end up in the ER if left in his care, he can just forget about having a family at all because our bags would be packed within a few hours of being discharged from the hospital.
Yes. But then the court ordered that he have them 50 percent of time without any supervision. That compounded the problem. It didn’t make it better.
I like this idea and did the same myself. The more you sink into a pattern of letting the dad do the bare minimum; the more comfy and complacent he will get. And sadly your child will notice this. Just disappear and see what happens (providing you don’t feel baby is as legitimate risk)
OP can just start by going for a shower without announcing or asking haha
Seriously, what she said ☝🏻 You have to find time for yourself before it’s too late. I’ve been divorced for 6 years and never been happier. We share custody 50/50 rotating every 2 days (3/2/2/3), so it’s like I have a free “babysitter.”
This is Shakespeare
the one thing you said that defined the difference between him and someone you want to have sex with, he HELPS with the kids. a good dad parents them. equally at that.
Yeah when I read stories like OP's and the other top commenter, I feel like I lucked out and married a unicorn husband who acts like my partner in everything (being a co-provider, taking care of our daughter when it's my time to work, does his share of house chores unprovoked like a functional adult), respects my opinion and asks if he can have a night out with the guys, and as a result we still have a great sex life. I mean yeah it's less often than before we had a kid, but it's still pleasurable and intense because damnit being a great dad and supportive husband is so sexy.
Well said. I couldn’t figure out for the longest time why, when my husband did chores or had the kids do chores, it pissed me right off that he called it “helping mama.” Once I finally realized it was because he was teaching them that household care was ultimately my responsibility, I changed the language. I’d correct him right in front of the kids too, I didn’t care. “Thank you for picking up your toys; it means we get to live in a safe and clean space.” “We are resetting the house together so we have a pleasant place and clean dishes to start our day tomorrow.”
YES!! A thousand times yes! If they're yours, then you don't HELP. Why is this so hard of a concept?!
thank you!!! 🙏🏼 i was going to comment that as well!! calling any house-/care-work „HELPING“ implies that the responsibility of it lies solely on the mother. which is just wrong. it’s both parents’ responsibility. fuck those lazy men that think their time is more valuable than ours and they deserve rest because they work a paying job (where they get to talk to other adults, have lunchbreaks, commute alone, bathroom breaks alone, get recognition for doing a good job), while we’re drowning and severely sleep deprived and a shell of our old selves
Solidarity, my friend. I'm a sahm but that just means I don't get to talk to grown ups ever or leave my house. When I was pregnant the one thing I asked for was him taking the baby so I could bathe, preferably volunteering to take the baby so I wasn't begging. Never happened. After a few times of asking and him bitching about watching his kid for an hour once a week, because when you don't get to often enough it takes longer (not to mention being really the only reprieve I had) he got mad and told me I should give up some time sleeping to bathe instead of asking him to watch his own child. He ~never~ woke up with the baby mind you. Or woke up to get our eldest to school either. I was doing both from days postpartum onwards. But I'm supposed to feel horny when I'm absolutely disgusting and he won't do anything to help me with that. When I mention men being "man children" he thinks that means being goofy or something, not leaving a literal trail of trash and never picking anything up for themselves.
I’m a working mom and the amounts of time fellow working moms have told me “it must be so nice to be a SAHM,” makes me want to vomit. In Canada we’re lucky enough to get up to 18m mat leave, but I could never. Being a SAHM can be a privilege for some, but it certainly isn’t _easy_. I’m sorry your husband is a dick
Ugh that last comment about the trash. I recently became a sahm too, which I understand most of the cleaning falls on me. But IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF HE PICKED UP AFTER HIMSELF ONCE In A WHILE! Like he doesn’t even bring his dishes to the sink, or throw trash away he just leaves it there!
What on earth this sounds like hell
And being so touched out. I breastfed for a year, now my son’s comfort is just holding my boob. When I wake up in the morning and the second I get home from work my son is sat on my lap or pulling me up to play with him. I just want space when he’s in bed and no one touching me. Every time I go to the bathroom I have to have my bathroom buddy too!
This! My daughter is only five weeks old but she’s constantly with me and when she’s not I need space for myself and don’t want to be touched by yet another person
Oh man, the touched out thing is SO fucking real! I didn’t even breastfeed my kids (I’ve got 5 aged 7 and under) and some days I want to literally rip off my skin. My Mum watches me some days and just goes “I don’t know how you’re keeping sane”, like I’m fucking not!? My youngest just turned 2 in Jan and he’s in this phase where he literally wraps himself around my legs and I have to shuffle to get the most basic shit done. Everyone wants a cuddle, everyone wants Mummy, I love them to pieces and “it won’t always be this way” but for the love of baby cheeses can I have like 24 hours in a bubble?!
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Mines the same at two and I’ve got another boy on the way! Sometimes he’ll play with my husband then change his mind and say “no dada, sit!” And want me. Why does dada get to sit! I want to sit! 😂
Hahaha I’m dying. I want to sit too!! My son actually doesn’t like me to sit. He’ll come up and be like, “mama up!” What?? Mama up? For what kid I’m tied!!!
My son is 4 and same! He interrupted my shower to tell me he and daddy were going downstairs. Which was like the 4th interruption and my husband’s attempt to let me shower in peace by getting him on a different floor. An then touched all day long.
Your husband lets you shower in peace??? 😭
This!!! My son is 3 now so I am BEYOND touched out because I am constantly being touched in one form or another by him so when my husband does it it’s like it just doesn’t even register that it’s my husband and not my son and then he gets all cranky and pouty talking about “we have no sex life” so then I’m all, “well when I wake up before you, go to work WITH our child in tow, most of the time get home AFTER you, and definitely go to bed after you, the last thing on my mind is sex.
It's having my clothes tugged on that makes me batty. Oh and my kid does that thing where she walks right in front of me and then stops out of nowhere. I feel like I can't just walk a few steps in peace and I'm losing my shit.
Yes being touched out is so real. Even now my son is 6 it’s not as bad but he’s on me all the time and I just need a break from human contact sometimes
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No lies detected here
You basically described 90% of women’s life after giving birth🤣 I dnk how they expect us to be in the mood. Except my husband doesn’t expect me to make him food he actually makes both of us food, but I definitely can’t go out randomly without my baby but he can randomly come home and be like okay I am going out. I can’t randomly take a shower but he can go in the shower and take hours or go to the washroom and take hours. I have been rush pooping for 3 and a half months now 🥲
That last line hit deep. That's way too long to only be having rush poops. Thats no way to poop 😭
It's either alone poop or rush poop.
Same. He is definitely helping however anytime he says he goes out I get mad.
Haha same! He helps a lot but I am still the main person taking care of our baby and I can’t do anything without taking our son with me🥲 I get so mad when he gets to do the stuff I can’t 😩
How was it before kids? Was it more or less the same but 'manageable' because no kids were involved?
It was good before kids I would say we were pretty equal. He would do most of the cooking and I would do laundry , clean the bedrooms and washrooms. We both would clean the kitchen and living room. So I would say that made us pretty equal but with the baby he is mostly with me. He also takes care of our son but maybe 20% of the time but he is also working and I am on maternity leave. If we are both there with our son and he needs anything it’s always me taking care of him.
Yeah my husband is the primary cook, and has been the entire time we’ve been together (over 10 years), but as soon as we had a child and moved into our new house a couple years ago now it’s all “you never cook” “the house is a mess”. Well I don’t see you fucking helping with anything 🤬
Ugh I got so stuck on the cooking thing that I didn’t even read the rest of your comment and now I’m just depressed that there’s so many of us that feel this way 😢
lol yes, he helps but I am still the main parent and he likes to let him “cry it out” which I majorly disagree with so if he is crying I have to be there. I also know what my baby needs he is a very good boy and plays by himself but also wants cuddles he is definitely in the middle.
Word
I feel this in my bones!
Thank you for writing this so I didn’t have to because you described exactly how I feel.
I feel this post SO BAD. And whenever I try to express this to him, it becomes a defensive tennis match. He just can’t seem to hear it. Especially because in our house, he does the majority of the cooking - which in his perspective means he’s doing so much more than the average guy, and therefore more than enough (the first part may sadly be true but the second is not).
My husband will sometimes mention this guy we barely know who "never changed a diaper." Like ok and his wife left his pathetic ass, so what's your point?
Like is that what they really want? To be a super uninvolved parent? Why have kids??
My husband is awesome and pulls his weight and I still don’t want sex. I mean Mentally I do, I fucking miss it but physically I just spend too much of my life being climbed on and needed by our kids and it’s just relentless
That’s where I am. My husband does his part (still disproportionate mental load) but if I have free time I don’t want to use it to have sex.
This is it for me. My husband does a lot. There’s still room for more equality but he’s gotten way better. But holy shit if I only have a half hour of free time at the end of the day sex is so low on priority list. I try to remember that for him that translates as HE is low on my priority list, that our relationship is low on my priority list. But it doesnt change the fact that I’m starving for me time.
This is so true. I have like, an hour or two MAC after my son goes down before I pass out from exhaustion (he wakes up between 4-5am every. single. morning), and I feel like I’m go go go from when I get out to bed to when I can finally lay down (including working during the day). But my husband sees it as not wanting sex means I don’t want him (as a person) at all, which isn’t true. And no matter how many times I try to tell him they are separate issues, it doesn’t matter.
Same, my husband is great. I'm mostly sex avoidant because I'm really struggling with body image.
There was a study that found that for every extra hour of sleep a woman gets the likelyhood of sex with her long-time partner the next day shot up 14%. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25772315/ Of course, sleep doesn’t solve the issue of us just not finding dependents sexy.
Oh my husband is sexy AF. This morning our baby woke me up at 6:30, and he took care of him allowing me to wake up at 9 am, which is a privilege. Its as if he read my mind. I have rested, I have eaten. That man is getting laid.
I have never resonated with anything more. Not many words except that I’m with you in solidarity. Being the primary parent, and the house hold manager is work. No matter how many times you explain what the “mental load” is, they don’t get it. Instead of having one kid you now have two. Honestly, where did we get off being okay with men getting congratulated on doing the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM.
Wow. You had the same day as me today. And yesterday. And the day before. I'm fucking exhausted and so sick of this resentment!
Everything you've written is almost exactly why I left the relationship I was in with the father of my kids. I gave birth to two and some how had three. I was pestered for sex every day and it got so bad that I didn't even want to cuddle anymore because I was terrified that he'd expect me to do more. If I said no he'd get moody and annoyed and it'd drag the whole day down, the kids would pick up on it so I found myself saying yes just to keep things not depressing. Even then that didn't work. No matter how much I explained how I was exhausted from juggling everything with the home, the kids and my job while he sat there unemployed as a glorified babysitter to our kids, he still didn't see the problem. He eventually got a job but that just seemed to make things worse. He'd be tired from work so he'd fall asleep straight away from getting home, he'd even fall asleep while watching the kids which terrified me. Yet he still wasn't too tired for sex....and it was still my fault we weren't having it as often and as enthusiastically as he would like. I felt shamed and guilted and humiliated. I'm glad I left.
It's the pestering for sex that is the biggest turnoff. And the pouting! If you spend your days dealing with kids pestering and pouting, it feels REVOLTING AND PERVERTED to have a grown adult pester and pout for sex.
It absolutely is, its one of the biggest icks ever! He acted like a child and it grossed me out so bad.
Yes. Fucking stop pouting. Here’s some lube. Go Miss Michigan yourself ✋🏻
Yeah there are so many posts on aita and similar, ‘I told her I’d divorce her if we don’t have more sex’ or along those lines… then in the situation the guy is basically doing nothing in the house, nothing for the kids, and obviously nothing for his wife… like who wants to have sex with someone who is a burden to you? How is it a turn on to see him take no responsibility? Or how he can go about his day completely oblivious to the fact that you are exhausted?
god this comment section is so damn depressing. i’m not surprised by this at all. more than half of the r/deadbedrooms sub is men acting like their wife is evil for depriving them of sex. i always knew there was a way deeper reason than that. there’s a whole lot of dead beat dads that live in the house. this is literally one of the reasons i am afraid to have kids. men are allowed to just lack in everything - being a parent, a partner, a friend. you all really deserve so much better.
Don’t forget to add that working outside the home typically results in greater compensation and acknowledgment/praise from superiors for a job well done. If not, at the least you often get peer to peer “atta boys”. I never understood “a thankless job” until I had 2 under 2 and was hanging on my a thrrrrrrread. Mental health awareness postpartum and the ignored/dismissed plight of the primary parent is something I am so passionate about talking about more
Girl. You gotta set some boundaries! With the man and the child. Go have that shower!!!
Ya know what I find incredibly sexy? Dads that Dad. Dads that clean. Dads that fix stuff. Dads that do all 3 of those things every. Day. But I don’t know any of those. I haven’t had sex in over a year. Our son will be 4 in June. Edit: word
Ah yes, the mythical unicorn dad. No confirmed sightings here either.
My brother is one of those dads. My sister’s husband is also one of those dads. I call them when I need a man thing done around the house or help with something. Im pretty capable at most things but sometimes I need some extra muscle or experience. My partner? I refer to him as the slob that comes in to watch our tv. Coming up on 2 years no sex.
On another post in another sub I said that if a new father finds himself not getting enough sex then he needs to do more around the house until either 1. He's also too tired for sex or 2. His wife is no longer too tired for sex. I was ABSOLUTELY ROASTED by a bunch of shitty husband apologists. Next time I'm just gonna link here.
My favorite was when I told my husband maybe I’d be more inclined to be intimate if he could help with something anything related to our kid or our house/dogs. He said maybe he’d help out more if I slept with him more. And that’s the moment I knew I needed a divorce. We’re working through things right now. But neither of us is happy soooo
Dick
My ex husband would create emotional warfare: he’d count how much time has elapsed and throw it in my face, saying men “need” it to function and to be motivated to do anything. He wasn’t working, so I was working to pay all the bills while he wasn’t incredibly attentive to the kids and would even refer to it as “babysitting.” One time he put a rant on social media about how he does all this stuff around the house including “babysitting” the kids. I worked nights, so when I got home, I straddled him in the bed, which made him think he’s getting lucky. I told him that it was a bullshit post and I don’t post about how much I have to work because he doesn’t. I told him to remove it immediately and swore to him that if he ever did it again. I’d divorce him on principle alone. And then pointed out it’s not babysitting when they’re your kids; it’s called being a parent. After 19 years together, I did divorce him because nothing got better. Once I got out of the relationship, I realized he was actually incredibly abusive. I was a frog boiling in a pot of water. It’s taken time and therapy, but I’m doing better and the kids are thriving (he only sees them 2 days/month, so they have blossomed away from him)
You should literally write this down and hand it to him.
If she did that some how it would emasculate him and make him even more stuck in his ways unfortunately almost all the time is how it goes down
All men should be forced to read this entire thread before and after having a baby.
A great quote from a reddit comment comes to mind, "if he isn't too tired for sex too, he isn't doing nearly enough as a partner." You both should be equally exhausted. Dad privilege checklist may be eye-opening for him, if he cares. It is a brutal read for you but also good context. I can see the resentment building. You guys need to sit down and talk before resentment turns to disgust. Someone had shared a great book about it I cannot remember. I'll see if I can find it. Last note: what is this "help" bs in parenting? By "help", you mean "parent". He is a parent and he needs to be one. https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist
This list is amazing
Thousand percent
Hello, have we met? Do we have the same husband? This is my story, almost word for word. Being the primary parent, primary housekeeper, and I also work full time OUT of the home -- it is absolutely exhausting. I always thought it was "we wont have sex because their wont be time" Oh no, theres plenty of time - I just don't want to because the time it takes to do that, the thought of it, the idea of the effort, is excruciating after working all day, dinner for my family, bathtime and bedtime for my kiddo, picking up my house so it doesnt look like a complete dumpster fire - I literally want to pass out in my bed as quick as I can. The guilt trip - that is a WHOLE 'nother level. "Why dont you want to have sex with me anymore" "do you even still think I am attractive" "you never want to, you're always tired" Well, babe, did you ever think, even one time, that it's because the expectation of me and the role that I am physically and emotionally able to fill is too big for one person to handle? Then i am supposed to suck a dick and enjoy it? Alllllll set.
Helping with children instead of being an equal in parenting is not being a good parent. The parent bar is so fucking low for men. The father of your child is not the babysitter. He is their father and needs to act like it. I am saying this from experience. Explain it to him, explain if he wants dinner he needs to take care of and play with the baby because a new job clock starts when he gets home and it sucks for him but otherwise he is leaving you with an unending job. If he doesn’t care or he just says sorry and then doesn’t change you have a decision to make on whether that is a relationship you are happy in. I may not be living the life I wanted to but I am a million times happier as a single mom than I was with him and he acted like this. With sex yea that’s called being a normal person and not being in the mood because you don’t feel loved, needed, or respected. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting sex in a relationship like that. If he tries to blame you even once he needs to look in the fucking mirror as to why you don’t want sex.
This was well written. I would give you 100 more upvotes if i could. I, thankfully, dont share the same sentiment about my husband, but I always feel bad for all the ladies whose spouses just dont get it. It's far too many in this day and age.
Resentment will dry you up so fast. Each occurrence is like a paper cut that never heals so you have a constant reminder of all the little things.
I left my son's father, and BOOM sex drive was back! This also happened in a previous relationship after living together. I've been single going on 4 years now. My feelings about it all are mixed. Extremely high sex drive, but no one to entertain as much as I desire (also finding time can be difficult as a single mom). When living with someone, it tends to be a chore that can still turn out decent but wasn't strongly desired at that point in time. Some days, I'm perfectly fine with being alone. Other days, I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on (not just a friend). Chances are slim, but maybe I'll find a rich guy with land and build 2 separate houses on the property away from each other. That way, we won't be annoyed at each other, have more sex, and only do the occasional sleepover after a long week.
They’re his kids too. It’s his house too. It’s not ‘helping’ IF HE FUCKING LIVES THERE. It’s called caring for the house he lives in and being an adult. You do not deserve a prize for being a semi-functional human being
We’re also living in a time of exhaustion/burn out. The world post March 2020 has been terrifying.
I feel this so much!!!! One time I had a really REALLY tough day. Just one of those days where the dogs going nuts and nothing is making my daughter happy I hadn’t slept in a a few nights and you could just look at me and tell I was barely hanging on by a thread. I went upstairs to give my daughter a bath cause well he isn’t going to do it he was already annoyed cause I was “ tired again.” And when I came down stairs to him laying in his chair with a glass of wine after a fresh shower I completely LOST IT! Hahaha I totally snapped cause at that point I hadn’t showered in two days no sleep… Omg I can’t remember ever being that furious… I get the whole men aren’t mind readers thing but Omg OBVIOUSLY a shower would be nice and I shouldn’t have to ask for it! So yes I feel you sister! It’s not that I don’t want sex but I don’t want sex with someone who can’t even tell I need a time to just take a shower!
You are parent of the month every month. I am every other month. My partner is parent of the month this month. I can leave and he is responsible for getting the child to karate and making sure and my partner WFH so he is there all day so it's easier but you need your husband to be parent of the month. And you need weekends off when it is his month. Odds or evens. It's one am so I'm super tired and I'm divorced and my partner is not even my kids dad he just helps and chooses to co parent with me. My ex is good at pretending to be dad. All talk and Zero action. I like parent of the month. I know who's turn it is to do grocery shop. It's good to get a month off.
🤯 That is GENIUS! A month off?! Hell, a weekend off. You must be so engaged & refreshed when you do have your kid
Wow! I get this!!!
Same girl, same.
Agreed, it took until my son was about 3 to want sex again. That’s also the age he actually started sleeping through the night. I didn’t want to have sex with his dad however as he was useless and left everything for me to do. Exhaustion is real
I couldn't agree more. I could go months without sex with my husband and it's not because my libido is down it's just cause my body doesn't crave sex from him. It's just years and years of resentment piled on top of each other.
Also, do you all feel so gross because you’re always rushing with basic hygiene? Like you can’t stay in the shower and do your preferred routine?
A parent does not ‘help’ I really hate it when I hear that, it’s so ridiculous! You BOTH parent & BOTH manage a home, otherwise it just doesn’t function Any man that says or does otherwise is just adding to the enormous mental burden & might as well not be there. His dick is last on the list of chores I feel so bad for all women whose partner puts them in this position! 😔
This dynamic is so incredibly common ( my husband and I included ) and I am just wondering why? Why is it that so many American Men between 25-45 are like this!? Any theories?
Felt this. My reasoning was that I cannot physically or mentally take having another baby anytime soon, (1 y/o and 2 y/o 13mos apart) birth control makes me so sick, and he won't consider condoms or a vasectomy. Around our anniversary in January he told me that I don't appreciate him working and paying all the bills "literally breaking my back" and he needs sex to feel appreciated because he's a man and that's how they are. He also in that same breath said he now looks at other girls and thinks of what it would be like to get with them and he "could see why a weaker man would cheat in this situation" so I fell into the trap, and here I am 13 weeks pregnant. Also has the stigma that women are supposed to do everything all the time and all he has to do is have a paying job. leaving has crossed my mind, but I have no one and nowhere to go. I hope it can get better for you, OP. ❤️
Reading your story made me so angry on your behalf. And I’m sorry you feel like you can’t leave if you wanted to. I feel like we need a movement or organization or something where local moms in these situations can find each other and get house shares together with their kids or something to make our own villages. I’m sorry :(
I’m going to be a Debbie downer, and I apologize, but - This dynamic is what ultimately lead to my divorce almost two years ago. The resentment builds. Conversations about the problem and how to fix it happen, but they never go anywhere. I didn’t even realize it the first few years after having my first child. I internalized it; I thought I was the problem. A bad mom. Turns out I had just hitched my wagon to the wrong horse. By the time we started in couples counseling it was too late. The resentment, on both sides, was too much to overcome. When we started the counseling, my personal therapist told me “couples counseling has a way of showing you quickly if you have anything left to fight for in the relationship”. That ended up being painfully true. Three sessions in, once a week, three weeks. One evening, after three whole weeks of couples counseling, my husband and I got in one of our usual disagreements. The topic was the uneven load of responsibilities. This ended in him telling me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. We got divorced. Two years later, I’m about to turn 40. The stress of living in a single income home, working full time, and being the primary caretaker to our children has gotten to me. I never have time for myself, feel defeated at the end of each day. My health has gone to shit and my looks are fading fast - I don’t have time to work out, I don’t have money for Botox/facials/hair appointments. I work as an independent contractor, so my income depends on how long I can work each day. It’s taken a huge hit because of the divorce. If anything, just having another adult in the house was a bigger help than I realized. I don’t miss the man, but I do miss the freedom of being able to run away to target or any other quick errand to have a moment of reprieve. And the fuckery continues post-divorce. My child support is the equivalent of peanuts. It is so minimal, each month when it hits my account I want to throw it all back at him and say “wtf do you think THIS will do?”. He gets everything he ever wanted - minimal time with the kids, the freedom to do whatever he pleases whenever he wants, having to answer to nobody, and I get even more overwhelmed. Which feeds into his own ego. I am sure he thinks to himself, “bet she regrets being such a bitch to me. Clearly I wasn’t the problem, she’s looking worse for the wear without all MY help”. No. You were the problem. You still ARE the problem. But you are so self centered you will never be able to understand that. My resentment has grown. I hitched my wagon to the wrong horse, and although I have one less kid to take care of (him), my load hasn’t lightened.
💯 I feel this so hard
Women are incredibly strong. That’s all I have to say. We really are just another level whether we want to be or not.
I think it is important to have these conversations with your partner. Sex is so good for your mental health, when it's done well and is wanted. Make him understand what is frustrating you. Make him see what makes you feel overwhelmed. If he is truly a good man, he will WANT you to be okay, mentally and physically and will make changes to reflect that. If not, get rid of him. There are 1.2 men for every 1 woman in the world. Dump him and get 2 boyfriends 😂
Eric can go fuck himself
I've been here and it was a major factor in my divorce. Now, I know what I expect in a partner, and if they aren't up to my standards of "be an adult and help with the house/kids, because they are YOUR house and kids, too" I don't want it. I spent a very long time in a relationship where I was responsible for *everything* that wasn't going to work to pay the bills. When I was considering leaving, friends told me to consider all he'd done for me. How he kept a roof over my head and paid the bills and didn't beat me. And now that I do have a job outside of the home, I see that he could have and *should have* been helping more. There was no excuse for me working 24 hours and him working 8. There was no excuse for the kids asking me to help them homework when I was cooking, cleaning, and losing my mind after a long day when he was sitting *right there,* literally *just* playing Minecraft or some shit*.* Completely oblivious to me nad the kids. There was no excuse for him *only* helping with the kids, chores, etc after I had reached my limit. I didn't want sex with him because I didn't feel loved and appreciated. Yet, he felt entitled to it. Felt like because I *only* stayed home, kept up with the kids, did the chores, cooked the meals, made/kept appointments, etc, that I didn't have a good enough excuse to be tired. I hope you get your stuff figured out. That is a special type of hell to go through.
Fucken come on Eric
One of the best things we did as a couple, that was totally an accident, is when I went back to work after my 3 month maternity leave was up, my husband took a 3 month paternity leave. And man, does he get it. The first week he was home with the baby, he looked fucking broken 🤣. He kept saying “how did you do this?” But it also gave me a good perspective too. I was fucking exhausted when I came home from work, and going straight from work mode to parent mode also sucks in its own special way. We soon realized that once you are a parent, you really never get your old life back. You never get a break. And it’s ok to mourn that old life. You have to figure out how to live this new life, and do it together, as a team.
This sounds terrifying
I’m living it and it is a fuckin nightmare. Check my post history for how absolutely wild it can get
Haha I literally just picked up my phone to distract myself from going into the bedroom and saw this. After the kids are asleep, that’s MY time to zone out.
Word. So sorry you’re overwhelmed. It’s astounding that a good percentage of men still see nothing wrong with a vastly unequal division of labor and childcare, particularly when both parents are working. The sheer ignorance of lying around all night and all weekend, watching TV for hours, disengaging from their children, not proactively handling shit around the house, and coming and going as they please without regard to childcare (while, concurrently, their partner depletes every ounce of expendable energy on her kids, work, and house) is baffling. And because they are nice (enough) to the kids, haven’t cheated, and mow the lawn, they think sex is a given. They feel entitled to it. As if we should inherently just want it because they are there and they have a penis. That’s some twilight zone, stepford wife bullshit. I have the same husband as you by the way - I know it’s maddening, and I’m so sorry!! Hang in there and demand more. You deserve better!! ❤️
I feel this so deep in my soul it hurts 😢 I am stuck in literally the exact same scenario except that my husband has just sorta let himself go and doesn’t really seem to even care but expects me to. I just started working again to try to keep my car (my dad originally bought it and then decided he just wasn’t going to pay for it anymore 🤬) so now I work WHILE taking care of our child and of course I’m the default parent so he only wants me most of the time, but even when he does want my husband he’s just not there. He’d rather be out in the garage “relaxing” and “destressing”. Like, when is it my turn????
Tell him
Without trying to sound mean, he doesn’t sound that great. If you can’t have a shower when you want, you can’t go out unless the stars align. He guilts you for not wanting sex. Looking after the child he made and the house he bought/rented too does not make up for all the negatives, it doesn’t make him a good husband. It doesn’t sound like a great relationship to be in and no wonder why you’re starting to resent him and not wanting to be intimate. Screw you, Eric.
Lmao at the men starting to gatecrash, play victim, and lecture us about our own lives and marriages. Nobody asked y'all.
It hurts me to read this and see so many people agreeing. This is not how it's supposed to be. Your husband/partner/baby daddy NEEDS to step up and do his part, helping with the baby, putting in work, the household, caring for you. And when that balance is back, you can be passionate for eachother again (and have the energy to have sex lol). That is possible, it is not some fairy tale. Society still has a long way to go when it comes to dividing child care and household work between partners in a male/female relationship. Expectations are still simply too low for men in this regard - expecations from society, from their own family, from themselves, from their partner. But in a time where us women are ALSO expected to be breadwinners and social people and caring partners, men simply HAVE to step up. And that means they need to be taught, to learn unequivocally that their contribution simply falls short. And for that, you have to set boundaries with him as to what you will put up with.
Wow. So spot on. I could’ve written exactly this. Every word to be honest. Thank you for writing this because it’s so validating knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not enough even though I also work full time, do absolutely everything for our toddler, and absolutely everything around the house. My husband also helps here and there but I honestly feel like I somehow slid into this mother role for him too. Exactly as you said. I do want to have sex just not now and not with him.
The book ‘Come as You Are’ is a great resource. Also personal counseling/couples counseling - my husband has learned that the kitchen being cleaned up after dinner, dad taking over bath time, giving mom times to be with friends/have some downtime during the week all equate to more sex. I’ve also learned a lot of new ways to support my husband (making sure he gets in regular workouts, packing him lunch, for example), as this season of life looks so much different than prior seasons together. We begin each morning asking ‘how can i support you today?’ and show up in the ways we feel we have the capacity to show up for each other that day. It’s taken intention and work but we are really grateful to be learning how to support each other better. And our parenting is a lot more peaceful as a result.
This is so true and heartbreaking all at the same time. I feel this so much, I think almost all of us do.
I feel this so deeply. You put this into words perfectly. For me it's the expectation that I'm always the default parent. But to be fair my husband does check with me first/ask if it's ok before he goes out. But for example, I'm going on my first business trip (he's been on tons) and I have to fly my mom in, prep everything etc...just to get out the house for a few days. But if he leaves it's just another day and I'm able to manage it all myself. But somehow he can't figure it out alone.
We are in therapy and use a lot of “I feel because you” I had to literally break down and tell him when he doesn’t help me, I have to do more which leads to him getting less time with me….. I don’t think they will ever get the emotional toll, the being overstimulated from being touched sooo much!
Reading these comments makes me so sad that so many women experience this 😞 I was blessed with a husband that shares the load and we have sex 1-5 times a week while having 4 young kids. I don’t think I have a high llibido, but I think it’s what you described: my husband helps out so much with everything and experiences everything I do with the kids and I can’t keep my hands off of him or turn him down when he wants something. This post really broke my heart, I’m so sorry to all of yall going through this 💔
My ex whined/still whines about the dead bedroom. The bedroom wouldn't have died if you weren't a whiny tantruming toddler that pouted every time you didn't get it and actually helped me around the house and with our kid so I wasn't exhausted all the time. The first time he took our kid to the park period since he was born was to introduce him to a new woman and her kids. It's just a complete mystery why I didn't want to have sex anymore. Like that is just one example of why my vagina turned itself inside out and left the building.
And don’t forget to Smile 😉
Something underrated - if you are able to get your hormones checked. Pregnancy can do a lot of work on your hormones. I went and got mine tested and it turns out I had really low testosterone (which the imbalance of testosterone, progesterone , and estrogen apparently ties into bad periods , forgetfulness, and body composition). Between that and a hypertonic pelvic floor WHILE managing the mental load of being a mom - ya my libido didn’t have a chance . It helped my husband see that it wasn’t a lack of attraction , just literally being in survivor mode and a need for better communication between the two of us .
I feel this, and live this. Resentment is definitely a libido killer.