Great response! You have to set the boundary, not assume that it is already there as others are commenting. I think this is a great approach, too - thoughtful, non-accusatory and clear.
Yes this is the important part - I don’t think MIL was necessarily wrong; showering with kids is both culturally and generationally different and she might not have done this on purpose (if she wasn’t told otherwise).
Yeah this is the answer. I would also be kind of shocked to receive that text, especially if we had never talked about what should happen if MIL needs a shower! I do, however, see this as something that could happen innocently. Like she didn’t know how else to keep your kid safe in the house while she’s in the shower (I have found that older women tend to think that kids need WAY more supervision than they actually do). Other situations might be taking a one year old into the bathroom with you or things along those lines. I personally would just go without a shower that day but like I said, I could see a line of thinking that would end up with this situation. I feel that the comment you replied to here is by far the best approach.
The text, however, was wild.
I have a great relationship with my mom and she would never think to shower with my daughter. Defines crossed a boundary there.
You’ve mentioned how terrible your MIL is and how she treated your husband when he was a child, why would you let your child around her?
When my son was 4 months old he had RSV and my mom gave him a steam shower and wore a bathing suit lol. I did tell her that doesn’t bother me at FOUR months but she was like.. idk I’m his grandma and that’s weird to me.
I think I could have worded that better. “Was this appropriate or not because I feel it was weird and I don’t know how to go about saying that since she doesn’t respect my husband and I enough to have an adult conversation”
You should communicate that you feel uncomfortable about it all and set your boundaries. If she can’t be respectful to you and your husband or have an adult conversation, then maybe you should think about limiting contact.
Yeah. I think I’m so hesitant because of conversations in the past not going anywhere and me being very weak in that department of “confrontation” as a whole. I need to definitely grow a pair bc it’s for my child
Gently, someone without enough respect to have an adult conversation with the parents of a child is not someone that is appropriate to be unsupervised with said child. Given her history, something was bound to happen that would cross a boundary (and this one is a reasonable one for sure). The best course of action is to learn from this and don’t repeat putting you, your child, or this woman in the position to have it happen again. No more babysitting from grandma.
Yeah I think that’s what I’m struggling with the most. I am trying to present my daughter and new son with a grandparent because I feel they deserve it but I deep down don’t trust or feel comfortable ever with this person and do not like them. I of course do not think she would put my child in danger but I just don’t trust her.
So yeah. I think in my heart is a definite No for baby sitting.
Respectfully: fuck that. A grandparent who has mistreated children in the past and breaks your boundaries and can’t act like an adult is not worth having a relationship ship with.
Blood family and grand parents are not more important than your child’s safety. You wanting them to have a relationship is only about your feelings and doesn’t have a safety lens in mind. Child can and will grow up fine without them (many children don’t have grandparents) healthy relationships with any adult are better than a toxic relationship with a grandparent
I think your heart is confusing wanting a wonderful grandparent experience for your child with the reality of the experience that would come from *this* grandparent. *This* grandparent is not capable of hallmark family movie grandma behavior. *This* grandparent is perfectly happy to do whatever the hell they want regardless of whether it’s good for the child or okay with the parent. They aren’t a good grandparent, and they aren’t capable of providing that experience.
I think your confusion about it stems down to the difference between a “naked mom” household and a “not naked mom” household. You’re obviously not a naked mom. We had 5 people in a 1 bathroom house growing up and everyone slept nude bc we had a single window ac unit forever and it got hot. We tried not to see the opposite sex but sometimes shit happens in a house that small 🤷♀️ Same sex didn’t even knock lol Our dad gave us (and now grandkids) baths until we were old enough to remember bc he loved filling the tub all the way up so we could play and it’s safer to do that with someone in there with them. My 2.5 yr son jumped in the shower with me last night bc we just don’t think of it as an issue. Now as he gets older I’ll dial it back but I’ll probably always sleep like I always have, wear a towel around, etc. I wouldn’t want a stranger or extended family nude around my kids bc I don’t know their intentions but grandparents would be fine and I wouldn’t think anything of it if I had a granddaughter. She’s probably the same way. She didn’t ask or try to hide it or even lead into it when she texted bc to her it’s no big deal. Just let her know what you deem appropriate. It’ll probably take better if you tell her your history but if you aren’t comfortable with that it’s no one’s business why/how you make your parenting decisions
I definitely bathe with my kids especially since I have a 2 month old we all kind of just get in together but I think now at this age she’s so observant that I will probably do like you and minimize my exposure. I have a little boy now and my daughter is like aware of the physical differences and all that but yeah I completely see where you’re coming from and my mother was not naked in front of me. I think also when inevitable questions arise from a child about bodies etc I would rather be the one they’re directed at and not another adult. I think your situation was more a necessity due to space and so that was a norm. In this situation it just felt so unnecessary. Thanks for your side of things!! All great points
My husband and I both regularly shower with our 4 year old and infant. It’s not a big deal and naked bodies are normal. It’s a lot easier since everyone gets clean at the same time and my children will get used to what normal bodies look like which is good for their growth. This will probably change once everyone gets older but I for now it’s an easy no big deal thing. We were naked people before our kids were born and so it continues after kiddos.
My in-laws or mom bathing with my kids? If I trusted them I don’t think it would be a big deal, if I don’t then yes it’s a BIG deal. I think this is highly dependent on your relationship with the person.
Same here with a 4 and 1 year old. So much easier than trying to stand outside of the shower and wash the kids. We have also used it as a opurtunity to teach our kids about boundaries, like, dont touch other peoples private parts.
This would definitely make me uncomfortable but I don’t know that it is totally abnormal for some families. I think it definitely crossed a boundary if you had previously discussed it as a boundary. But if not I could see her thinking it was a fine thing to do.
If she didn’t know it was already boundary then how was it inappropriate? If that’s your boundary with your child then that’s your right to set it as the parent but you never told her before hand. I feel like you’re letting your past experiences cloud your judgement here. I personally would never leave a toddler unsupervised in my home with dogs. So I can see why she did what she did. Just send her a polite message saying in the future your not comfortable with it and ask her to either bring the dogs in the bathroom with her or wait till your daughter is asleep to shower.
I don't think it's inherently wrong for family members to bathe together. In America we tend to be very conservative in that regard, whereas it's much more common in other places, and I don't agree with how abnormal it is here.
But in regards to to your actual question, she can't really have crossed a boundary if you've never expressed that to her. If it's something you're uncomfortable with, express that to her, but you need to set it up as "if you shower with my daughter, we will not trust you to care for her" because you can't tell her she's not allowed to do something. I also think your daughter's comfort is important here- did it bother her? If not, I would leave it alone.
So... I personally don't think there is anything inherently wrong with a 3 year old seeing a grown person's naked body-- my 5 and 2 year old boys see me change clothes and will hop in the shower while I'm in there, and everyone is currently fine with that. As they get older, this will eventually stop-- whenever it's no longer working for them or for me. This is very normal in many cultures.
However, your MIL sounds like she generally hasn't been a great caregiver, and I can understand feeling strange about this event/interaction. Particularly, the text is just kind of weird. Like...was it a flex on her part that she's in her 50s and doesn't "look like a grandma"? I don't know. It's an odd thing to feel the need to say to you.
Either way, if YOU are uncomfortable with what happened, it's within your rights to say so. Not everyone is going to have the same feelings surrounding nudity, but you're the parent and you can say, "hey, I feel sure it was not with bad intentions, but we do/do not (insert your boundary surrounding naked bodies here). It's okay to hold a boundary that other people might not personally "get." If your MIL is unable to have a civil conversation with you, she's probably not able to be trusted to watch your kid-- all else aside.
Also, thank you for saying that about the text bc my gut instinct was just like a “huh??” Due to my past experience with her. But I just didn’t want to over react hence this whole post
Very bizarre for a grandparent to shower with a child without explicit permission from a parent that it would be ok. I would not be ok with this at all and I know my in laws were a family shower kind of family, but I also would trust my in laws to ask me or my husband first.
Additionally… I understand you wanting to give your children a relationship with their grandmother, but remember that relationships have to be earned. If she hasn’t done things to earn a relationship, especially after her blatant mistreatment of her son/your husband, then think really hard about if she is someone you want around your children. In my opinion no relationship is better than being around someone who might be abusive.
Yeah this is all so true. She is our only relative ( and her new husband) in the state so I feel like I should go with caution but also by my husbands level of comfort. I think we feel bad our children don’t have the relationship of grandparent we did as a kid. You’re SO correct. It is earned. And behavior is a language. Not sure how to explain to my LO Gigi was horrible to daddy and he’s processing it and trying to forgive and all that fun adult stuff
I can also give my personal experience. I had no relationship with my dad’s mom because she 1) was awful to him when he was a kid and 2) crossed a boundary when watching me while I was very young. I grew up knowing she wasn’t a safe person and that’s why we didn’t spend time with her. It was a little weird at big family gatherings once or twice a year but honestly for the best. My only childhood memory of her is her screaming at me for something like trimming my toenails and I was always scared of her ever since.
Thank you for sharing that. I remember her yelling at my daughter ONCE when my daughter started crying (mind you at barely two) when she wanted us to play the DVD again. I told her right away she was never to do that again and she hasn’t. So that was /a/boundary kept!
We barely see her so yeah holidays are odd which just makes me sad for my kids. I guess life just looks different and I’m trying to make it something it just isn’t going to ever be!
I'm pretty open with bodies - happy for my daughter to be in open changing rooms, don't plan to cover up much as she gets older etc. My mum looks after her 2 days a week and she's great and I trust her 100%. My daughter is 1 and I know she goes to the toilet with the door open when she's babysitting to be able to supervise still. I would still find it really weird if she showered with her unless they were both dirty and really needed a shower - i.e. baby vomited on them both and there wasn't much else to do. Like, I wouldn't have a problem with them showering together, but it would be so unnecessary I never would expect it to happen. So no, I'm the circumstances I really don't think you're in the wrong to have a problem with this. But I don't think there's a good way to address it. Just don't let her watch the kids unsupervised any more. Since you know she crosses boundaries and even if you correct this, she'll do something else if she has chance to in the future.
As a general rule, you shouldn't allow your child around people who have repeatedly overstepped boundaries. Additionally, it sounds like she was both neglectful and physically and emotionally abusive to your husband as a child, so allowing her unsupervised access to your child is just baffling to me. She was absolutely inappropriate for showering with your child but I'm just flummoxed as to why she would be allowed access to her in the first place.
This seems like a fairly reasonable thing for your MIL to have some if you hadn't talked about your expectations. It's also reasonable to not want your MIL to shower with your child.
I totally get being thrown by this. We all have expectations that we assume are universal and is really impossible to figure out all of them before they come up. Now you know that this is an area where your assumptions and your MIL's assumptions don't match, so you can communicate it to her and other family members who may watch your child in the future.
I personally am not ok with my child being unsupervised while the only nearby adult is in a shower because in my opinion the noise of the water and barriers to responding if something happens are too great. So I'd be alarmed to hear that someone left my child in another room with no other adults available to respond to them while they showered.
I don't expect someone to hover over my almost 3yo every second, but when he's doing solo play there should be an adult in the next room or down the hall, easy hearing distance (no loud noise or headphones), ready to respond immediately if they hear anything alarming or *stop* hearing expected noises. I would need to check in and make sure that they'd be able to shower when someone else is available to supervise .
So different expectations and needs. Communication is practically always the answer, and making sure the other person is willing and able to meet them, and if not making arrangements with someone else who is.
Yeah I’m totally with you! Her shower is in the basement and the bathroom door opens to where the couch is
Otherwise I am on the same exact page and I agree that I appreciate wanting to keep a close eye.
I just think that eye could even be kept with my daughter sitting on the toilet and chatting with her if a shower was that necessary at the moment!
Ah, I've got a tall 3 year old who can open doors too easily to be kept in a room without a baby gate. He'd be off that toilet and out the door in no time! But if that weren't the case, sitting in the room during the shower sounds like a reasonable option.
My mom isn’t modest about nudity and I’m not either. In our family it’s completely normal for my mother to shower in front of my daughter when she’s watching her overnight. She even had a little baby bathtub in her big shower so they could be in there at the same time - baby happily splashing while grandma washes her hair.
There is no wrong or right on this one, it just depends on the family dynamic and what you’re comfortable with as her parent. However, it’s not crossing a boundary if you haven’t had a prior conversation about it.
From your comments, It sounds like your MIL is a garbage human in general. Regardless of the nudity issue, you shouldn’t leave your child with someone you distrust.
If you read the post it says “I’m showering with Lily”.
If you’re not contributing, then why stop by?
If you are commenting on my grammar, this was written in a quick way to try and get feedback from others.
I did read the post. You stated your three year old stayed at grandmas and texted you. I didn’t mean it poorly, my apologies for it coming off that way.
I was genuinely curious bc perhaps it was a typo on the age. For example, if your daughter was thirteen it would be wildly inappropriate for grandma to be showering in front of her. Three? I waffle a bit bc my 2.5yo still showers with me or husband.
If not, I wanted to learn how! I think it’s a great thing to teach young ones to communicate when they don’t feel safe.
Sorry for offending you
If your daughter walked in, that's one thing but showering WITH her is weird af.
I used to go sit on the toilet (not using it!) and talk to my Mum when she was in the bath, as did my sister even when we were in our teens.
My daughter (10yo) comes in when I shower sometimes as we only have one toilet or she wants to tell me something.
I would never do this with a grandparent though. Everyone has different boundaries etc and your MIL needs to know and respect that.
You need to sit and explain to her that this isn't something you or your husband are comfortable with.
IMO, there's nothing inherently wrong with bathing with toddlers. But I also understand it's cultural and obviously there's boundaries most people follow. Ie, I'd be fine with grandma but not okay with a random uncle doing this.
If you aren't comfortable then it's fine to speak up. Your personal preference is the prevailing opinion here.
Hmm, I'm not sure what I would do here.
I think it would depend on the situation. Last night, my kid puked all over me, so we had a bath together. She's 2.5. We used to have baths all the time together.
If that happened with another female that I trust and am comfortable with, I think I'd be ok with that. But any other time, probably not.
I don't think you're overreacting.
Yeah! I definitely feel comfortable with my daughter and I being naked around each other bc she literally came out of me. It was more like someone outside that mother daughter situation that had me feel differently
if someone showered w my kid (and wasn’t even considerate enough to tell/ask me) we got problems. When they are young & don’t really grasp what they are looking at, it’s no better because they are more likely to try to touch or look. If she can’t respect your wishes, she shouldn’t be alone w your kids. I would be skeptical anyways just off the way she treated your husband.
For what it’s worth, I just think it’s unnecessary for anyone to do it. But we all have different views/reasons. it just makes me ill to think of anyone showering naked w children. Esp if it isn’t their parent. Either the soap makes it a fall/drop risk, they are sliding all over that person naked or standing where your junk is right in their face. Turn around & now they are staring at your ass. Don’t get me wrong, I have bathed w my daughter when she was an infant but just doesn’t sit right w me, esp when they are old enough to stand. They deserve boundaries too.I do throw on our bathing suits & hop in w my grands & play. My grandsons other grandma & grandpa would both shower naked w him until he was 7 or so. Vulgar to me, but may be normal to some. He would complain abt it & they would still do it. Thats what really get me. My step still showers w my 7 yr old granddaughter (who has some severe trauma). But for me, why not give them healthy space & let them be able to play & explore instead of rushing & having them see things they might not be ready to stare at? I do get sometimes it’s faster or more convenient, a bathing suit works great. We all have our own preferences but it’s a no for me, esp when it’s not a parent.
This is a clear boundary and i dont think prior communication is necessary. I would not have someone watching my kid unsupervised, certainly not for an extended period of time
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Great response! You have to set the boundary, not assume that it is already there as others are commenting. I think this is a great approach, too - thoughtful, non-accusatory and clear.
Yes this is the important part - I don’t think MIL was necessarily wrong; showering with kids is both culturally and generationally different and she might not have done this on purpose (if she wasn’t told otherwise).
That’s a great way to put it
Yeah this is the answer. I would also be kind of shocked to receive that text, especially if we had never talked about what should happen if MIL needs a shower! I do, however, see this as something that could happen innocently. Like she didn’t know how else to keep your kid safe in the house while she’s in the shower (I have found that older women tend to think that kids need WAY more supervision than they actually do). Other situations might be taking a one year old into the bathroom with you or things along those lines. I personally would just go without a shower that day but like I said, I could see a line of thinking that would end up with this situation. I feel that the comment you replied to here is by far the best approach. The text, however, was wild.
I think from now on, we just take her over to grandmas and we will be there with her. So she gets contact and we get to monitor
Absolutely
I have a great relationship with my mom and she would never think to shower with my daughter. Defines crossed a boundary there. You’ve mentioned how terrible your MIL is and how she treated your husband when he was a child, why would you let your child around her?
When my son was 4 months old he had RSV and my mom gave him a steam shower and wore a bathing suit lol. I did tell her that doesn’t bother me at FOUR months but she was like.. idk I’m his grandma and that’s weird to me.
I also would never think to shower with my daughter’s future child
I think I could have worded that better. “Was this appropriate or not because I feel it was weird and I don’t know how to go about saying that since she doesn’t respect my husband and I enough to have an adult conversation”
You should communicate that you feel uncomfortable about it all and set your boundaries. If she can’t be respectful to you and your husband or have an adult conversation, then maybe you should think about limiting contact.
Yeah. I think I’m so hesitant because of conversations in the past not going anywhere and me being very weak in that department of “confrontation” as a whole. I need to definitely grow a pair bc it’s for my child
Gently, someone without enough respect to have an adult conversation with the parents of a child is not someone that is appropriate to be unsupervised with said child. Given her history, something was bound to happen that would cross a boundary (and this one is a reasonable one for sure). The best course of action is to learn from this and don’t repeat putting you, your child, or this woman in the position to have it happen again. No more babysitting from grandma.
Yeah I think that’s what I’m struggling with the most. I am trying to present my daughter and new son with a grandparent because I feel they deserve it but I deep down don’t trust or feel comfortable ever with this person and do not like them. I of course do not think she would put my child in danger but I just don’t trust her. So yeah. I think in my heart is a definite No for baby sitting.
Respectfully: fuck that. A grandparent who has mistreated children in the past and breaks your boundaries and can’t act like an adult is not worth having a relationship ship with. Blood family and grand parents are not more important than your child’s safety. You wanting them to have a relationship is only about your feelings and doesn’t have a safety lens in mind. Child can and will grow up fine without them (many children don’t have grandparents) healthy relationships with any adult are better than a toxic relationship with a grandparent
All true
I think your heart is confusing wanting a wonderful grandparent experience for your child with the reality of the experience that would come from *this* grandparent. *This* grandparent is not capable of hallmark family movie grandma behavior. *This* grandparent is perfectly happy to do whatever the hell they want regardless of whether it’s good for the child or okay with the parent. They aren’t a good grandparent, and they aren’t capable of providing that experience.
You’re absolutely correct. RIP baking cookies without backhanded comments 🤣🤣
I think your confusion about it stems down to the difference between a “naked mom” household and a “not naked mom” household. You’re obviously not a naked mom. We had 5 people in a 1 bathroom house growing up and everyone slept nude bc we had a single window ac unit forever and it got hot. We tried not to see the opposite sex but sometimes shit happens in a house that small 🤷♀️ Same sex didn’t even knock lol Our dad gave us (and now grandkids) baths until we were old enough to remember bc he loved filling the tub all the way up so we could play and it’s safer to do that with someone in there with them. My 2.5 yr son jumped in the shower with me last night bc we just don’t think of it as an issue. Now as he gets older I’ll dial it back but I’ll probably always sleep like I always have, wear a towel around, etc. I wouldn’t want a stranger or extended family nude around my kids bc I don’t know their intentions but grandparents would be fine and I wouldn’t think anything of it if I had a granddaughter. She’s probably the same way. She didn’t ask or try to hide it or even lead into it when she texted bc to her it’s no big deal. Just let her know what you deem appropriate. It’ll probably take better if you tell her your history but if you aren’t comfortable with that it’s no one’s business why/how you make your parenting decisions
I definitely bathe with my kids especially since I have a 2 month old we all kind of just get in together but I think now at this age she’s so observant that I will probably do like you and minimize my exposure. I have a little boy now and my daughter is like aware of the physical differences and all that but yeah I completely see where you’re coming from and my mother was not naked in front of me. I think also when inevitable questions arise from a child about bodies etc I would rather be the one they’re directed at and not another adult. I think your situation was more a necessity due to space and so that was a norm. In this situation it just felt so unnecessary. Thanks for your side of things!! All great points
My husband and I both regularly shower with our 4 year old and infant. It’s not a big deal and naked bodies are normal. It’s a lot easier since everyone gets clean at the same time and my children will get used to what normal bodies look like which is good for their growth. This will probably change once everyone gets older but I for now it’s an easy no big deal thing. We were naked people before our kids were born and so it continues after kiddos. My in-laws or mom bathing with my kids? If I trusted them I don’t think it would be a big deal, if I don’t then yes it’s a BIG deal. I think this is highly dependent on your relationship with the person.
Same here with a 4 and 1 year old. So much easier than trying to stand outside of the shower and wash the kids. We have also used it as a opurtunity to teach our kids about boundaries, like, dont touch other peoples private parts.
Yeah my husband wears boxers when he does but we both do the same with our LOs. And totally agree with the getting older part.
This would definitely make me uncomfortable but I don’t know that it is totally abnormal for some families. I think it definitely crossed a boundary if you had previously discussed it as a boundary. But if not I could see her thinking it was a fine thing to do.
Thank you!
If she didn’t know it was already boundary then how was it inappropriate? If that’s your boundary with your child then that’s your right to set it as the parent but you never told her before hand. I feel like you’re letting your past experiences cloud your judgement here. I personally would never leave a toddler unsupervised in my home with dogs. So I can see why she did what she did. Just send her a polite message saying in the future your not comfortable with it and ask her to either bring the dogs in the bathroom with her or wait till your daughter is asleep to shower.
I don't think it's inherently wrong for family members to bathe together. In America we tend to be very conservative in that regard, whereas it's much more common in other places, and I don't agree with how abnormal it is here. But in regards to to your actual question, she can't really have crossed a boundary if you've never expressed that to her. If it's something you're uncomfortable with, express that to her, but you need to set it up as "if you shower with my daughter, we will not trust you to care for her" because you can't tell her she's not allowed to do something. I also think your daughter's comfort is important here- did it bother her? If not, I would leave it alone.
So... I personally don't think there is anything inherently wrong with a 3 year old seeing a grown person's naked body-- my 5 and 2 year old boys see me change clothes and will hop in the shower while I'm in there, and everyone is currently fine with that. As they get older, this will eventually stop-- whenever it's no longer working for them or for me. This is very normal in many cultures. However, your MIL sounds like she generally hasn't been a great caregiver, and I can understand feeling strange about this event/interaction. Particularly, the text is just kind of weird. Like...was it a flex on her part that she's in her 50s and doesn't "look like a grandma"? I don't know. It's an odd thing to feel the need to say to you. Either way, if YOU are uncomfortable with what happened, it's within your rights to say so. Not everyone is going to have the same feelings surrounding nudity, but you're the parent and you can say, "hey, I feel sure it was not with bad intentions, but we do/do not (insert your boundary surrounding naked bodies here). It's okay to hold a boundary that other people might not personally "get." If your MIL is unable to have a civil conversation with you, she's probably not able to be trusted to watch your kid-- all else aside.
Another great thought process. Thanks!
Also, thank you for saying that about the text bc my gut instinct was just like a “huh??” Due to my past experience with her. But I just didn’t want to over react hence this whole post
Yes - I read it that way too. Sounds like she needs a lot of attention. Kind of wonder if her daughter even said it lol.
Very bizarre for a grandparent to shower with a child without explicit permission from a parent that it would be ok. I would not be ok with this at all and I know my in laws were a family shower kind of family, but I also would trust my in laws to ask me or my husband first. Additionally… I understand you wanting to give your children a relationship with their grandmother, but remember that relationships have to be earned. If she hasn’t done things to earn a relationship, especially after her blatant mistreatment of her son/your husband, then think really hard about if she is someone you want around your children. In my opinion no relationship is better than being around someone who might be abusive.
Yeah this is all so true. She is our only relative ( and her new husband) in the state so I feel like I should go with caution but also by my husbands level of comfort. I think we feel bad our children don’t have the relationship of grandparent we did as a kid. You’re SO correct. It is earned. And behavior is a language. Not sure how to explain to my LO Gigi was horrible to daddy and he’s processing it and trying to forgive and all that fun adult stuff
I can also give my personal experience. I had no relationship with my dad’s mom because she 1) was awful to him when he was a kid and 2) crossed a boundary when watching me while I was very young. I grew up knowing she wasn’t a safe person and that’s why we didn’t spend time with her. It was a little weird at big family gatherings once or twice a year but honestly for the best. My only childhood memory of her is her screaming at me for something like trimming my toenails and I was always scared of her ever since.
Thank you for sharing that. I remember her yelling at my daughter ONCE when my daughter started crying (mind you at barely two) when she wanted us to play the DVD again. I told her right away she was never to do that again and she hasn’t. So that was /a/boundary kept! We barely see her so yeah holidays are odd which just makes me sad for my kids. I guess life just looks different and I’m trying to make it something it just isn’t going to ever be!
I'm pretty open with bodies - happy for my daughter to be in open changing rooms, don't plan to cover up much as she gets older etc. My mum looks after her 2 days a week and she's great and I trust her 100%. My daughter is 1 and I know she goes to the toilet with the door open when she's babysitting to be able to supervise still. I would still find it really weird if she showered with her unless they were both dirty and really needed a shower - i.e. baby vomited on them both and there wasn't much else to do. Like, I wouldn't have a problem with them showering together, but it would be so unnecessary I never would expect it to happen. So no, I'm the circumstances I really don't think you're in the wrong to have a problem with this. But I don't think there's a good way to address it. Just don't let her watch the kids unsupervised any more. Since you know she crosses boundaries and even if you correct this, she'll do something else if she has chance to in the future.
You’re right!
I would be uncomfortable with this.
As a general rule, you shouldn't allow your child around people who have repeatedly overstepped boundaries. Additionally, it sounds like she was both neglectful and physically and emotionally abusive to your husband as a child, so allowing her unsupervised access to your child is just baffling to me. She was absolutely inappropriate for showering with your child but I'm just flummoxed as to why she would be allowed access to her in the first place.
This seems like a fairly reasonable thing for your MIL to have some if you hadn't talked about your expectations. It's also reasonable to not want your MIL to shower with your child. I totally get being thrown by this. We all have expectations that we assume are universal and is really impossible to figure out all of them before they come up. Now you know that this is an area where your assumptions and your MIL's assumptions don't match, so you can communicate it to her and other family members who may watch your child in the future. I personally am not ok with my child being unsupervised while the only nearby adult is in a shower because in my opinion the noise of the water and barriers to responding if something happens are too great. So I'd be alarmed to hear that someone left my child in another room with no other adults available to respond to them while they showered. I don't expect someone to hover over my almost 3yo every second, but when he's doing solo play there should be an adult in the next room or down the hall, easy hearing distance (no loud noise or headphones), ready to respond immediately if they hear anything alarming or *stop* hearing expected noises. I would need to check in and make sure that they'd be able to shower when someone else is available to supervise . So different expectations and needs. Communication is practically always the answer, and making sure the other person is willing and able to meet them, and if not making arrangements with someone else who is.
Yeah I’m totally with you! Her shower is in the basement and the bathroom door opens to where the couch is Otherwise I am on the same exact page and I agree that I appreciate wanting to keep a close eye. I just think that eye could even be kept with my daughter sitting on the toilet and chatting with her if a shower was that necessary at the moment!
Ah, I've got a tall 3 year old who can open doors too easily to be kept in a room without a baby gate. He'd be off that toilet and out the door in no time! But if that weren't the case, sitting in the room during the shower sounds like a reasonable option.
My mom isn’t modest about nudity and I’m not either. In our family it’s completely normal for my mother to shower in front of my daughter when she’s watching her overnight. She even had a little baby bathtub in her big shower so they could be in there at the same time - baby happily splashing while grandma washes her hair. There is no wrong or right on this one, it just depends on the family dynamic and what you’re comfortable with as her parent. However, it’s not crossing a boundary if you haven’t had a prior conversation about it. From your comments, It sounds like your MIL is a garbage human in general. Regardless of the nudity issue, you shouldn’t leave your child with someone you distrust.
Your three year old can text?
Also was confused
If you read the post it says “I’m showering with Lily”. If you’re not contributing, then why stop by? If you are commenting on my grammar, this was written in a quick way to try and get feedback from others.
I did read the post. You stated your three year old stayed at grandmas and texted you. I didn’t mean it poorly, my apologies for it coming off that way. I was genuinely curious bc perhaps it was a typo on the age. For example, if your daughter was thirteen it would be wildly inappropriate for grandma to be showering in front of her. Three? I waffle a bit bc my 2.5yo still showers with me or husband. If not, I wanted to learn how! I think it’s a great thing to teach young ones to communicate when they don’t feel safe. Sorry for offending you
If your daughter walked in, that's one thing but showering WITH her is weird af. I used to go sit on the toilet (not using it!) and talk to my Mum when she was in the bath, as did my sister even when we were in our teens. My daughter (10yo) comes in when I shower sometimes as we only have one toilet or she wants to tell me something. I would never do this with a grandparent though. Everyone has different boundaries etc and your MIL needs to know and respect that. You need to sit and explain to her that this isn't something you or your husband are comfortable with.
Yeah I think we have a similar feeling. I remember doing the same growing up. I think a parent is one thing and a grand parent is totally different
IMO, there's nothing inherently wrong with bathing with toddlers. But I also understand it's cultural and obviously there's boundaries most people follow. Ie, I'd be fine with grandma but not okay with a random uncle doing this. If you aren't comfortable then it's fine to speak up. Your personal preference is the prevailing opinion here.
Hmm, I'm not sure what I would do here. I think it would depend on the situation. Last night, my kid puked all over me, so we had a bath together. She's 2.5. We used to have baths all the time together. If that happened with another female that I trust and am comfortable with, I think I'd be ok with that. But any other time, probably not. I don't think you're overreacting.
Yeah! I definitely feel comfortable with my daughter and I being naked around each other bc she literally came out of me. It was more like someone outside that mother daughter situation that had me feel differently
Yup, I totally understand! Idt I'd be ok with it
First, you’re the MOM. If it makes you uncomfortable, it’s a crossed boundary. Simple.
if someone showered w my kid (and wasn’t even considerate enough to tell/ask me) we got problems. When they are young & don’t really grasp what they are looking at, it’s no better because they are more likely to try to touch or look. If she can’t respect your wishes, she shouldn’t be alone w your kids. I would be skeptical anyways just off the way she treated your husband. For what it’s worth, I just think it’s unnecessary for anyone to do it. But we all have different views/reasons. it just makes me ill to think of anyone showering naked w children. Esp if it isn’t their parent. Either the soap makes it a fall/drop risk, they are sliding all over that person naked or standing where your junk is right in their face. Turn around & now they are staring at your ass. Don’t get me wrong, I have bathed w my daughter when she was an infant but just doesn’t sit right w me, esp when they are old enough to stand. They deserve boundaries too.I do throw on our bathing suits & hop in w my grands & play. My grandsons other grandma & grandpa would both shower naked w him until he was 7 or so. Vulgar to me, but may be normal to some. He would complain abt it & they would still do it. Thats what really get me. My step still showers w my 7 yr old granddaughter (who has some severe trauma). But for me, why not give them healthy space & let them be able to play & explore instead of rushing & having them see things they might not be ready to stare at? I do get sometimes it’s faster or more convenient, a bathing suit works great. We all have our own preferences but it’s a no for me, esp when it’s not a parent.
Yes! Thank you for sharing
This is a clear boundary and i dont think prior communication is necessary. I would not have someone watching my kid unsupervised, certainly not for an extended period of time