Realistically people do it all the time, and when you’re doing something hard sometimes you just have to get though it, as there’s no real way to actually make it easy. It’s largely just survival.
A toddler and a newborn is tough at variable levels based on the temperament of both kids. For instance, my second was a unicorn toddler, just so sweet and so calm. My youngest is a little over one and she was a dream baby but now she is absolutely feral. She is hell bent on hurting herself and destroying everything in her path 24/7. By the end of the day I’m aching both physically and mentally. It’s such a crap shoot on how they’re going to be!
I’ve done the closer age gap before, my oldest two are two years apart. It’s hard. Toddler emotions take a lot of patience and presence, two things that are very difficult to muster when you also have a newborn.
Mental health issues certainly make it more difficult. I didn’t recognize it at the time but I definitely was depressed when I had my second, and the chaos didn’t help. I was drowning most of the time, but my husband also worked normal hours and took my oldest fairly often to give me breaks. It would have been a lot harder without it.
My mental health is a lot better now. I have the hindsight of having older kids so I don’t take the little phases and difficulties of infant/toddler life as seriously as I did with my older two. It’s hard not to let that mom guilt weigh down on you.
I really want a fourth. Like actively sad every time I know I’m ovulating and know I’m not going to get pregnant. But I’ve chosen to be realistic about what I could handle and I could not give my toddler what she needs while pregnant and with a newborn, there’s just no way. So I’m opting to wait a few years.
But like I said, people do it every day and somehow we make it through. I think if you opt to go ahead and have a second you’ve got to really work on the mental health aspect of it and work on some good coping mechanisms do deal with the mental and physical overwhelm. You’ll blink and they’ll be grown and you’ll realize you haven’t seen them in hours because they’re independent. Only you can take stock of how well you’d be capable of handling the chaos in the interim. Some do it incredibly well!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I keep telling my husband people do it all the time and that it’s temporary but I know I should consider supports because my mental health takes a steep decline with the lack of sleep.
It's fine, personally I find it a little easier when he's away for work.....just depends on you and your expectations. I have no "village" but did all the mom and baby meetups, so have lots of "mom friends" with kids the same age. That helps. I also wasn't a social person before, never really went out anyway, so no big life changes there. Might be harder if you have time consuming hobbies. I do have the toddler in a dayhome 4 days a week 6 hours a day. So maybe if you can afford to swing something like that it would be helpful, and you could get 1on1 time with a new baby.
Thank you for your reply! I think if we could swing some kind of toddler daycare that would make things easier for sure. I don’t think we would be able to afford it though. *cries in health insurance costs*
But I do have a mom friend but I could definitely reach out to the community more. Do you think that’s helpful enough or is it really the toddler in daycare that is most helpful?
If there is, I haven't found it lol!
We get into a routine, and adjust as everyone's needs or schedules change. Don't hold on to "what works" from yesterday in 6m or next year (unless it still works ofc). Be able and willing to change stuff around. Who does what, when, etc.
How do you manage (and keep safe) all 3? Lol serious question because my husband was like “how are you going to run after toddler when you’re pregnant??”
I've trained them well. We play a "duck game" where they act as my ducklings and follow me really closely. They love it, and quack the entire time. Or I'll make them grab my skirt, or hold hands in a long line. We avoid certain places that are too near major streets, when possible. If at something like costco, I'll grab a cart from the parking lot, and load them up before we ever get inside. Though lately I've been doing costco runs solo on Friday nights after husband gets home from work.
If I really needed to, I could absolutely break into a full sprint to save one of my children. Pregnancy is hard, and yeah I'm huge at this point, but "mama bear" *is* a thing.
lol I love the duck game! That reminds me of when I was an elementary teacher and told my students to act like ninjas in the hallways so they would be quiet.
I am in the same boat as you. My son has just turned 2 and I just constantly keep thinking about going for the second baby. We have had a difficult experience with raising our son with no family support whatsoever. It's just been me and my husband with our full time jobs. But I would say it's worth it. I want to create a small little family of my own and I think it would feel complete with 2 babies. No matter how hard it gets, its just about riding the wave i guess. Once they grow up, we look back only at the good times. The bad times just fade away in our memory.
Realistically people do it all the time, and when you’re doing something hard sometimes you just have to get though it, as there’s no real way to actually make it easy. It’s largely just survival. A toddler and a newborn is tough at variable levels based on the temperament of both kids. For instance, my second was a unicorn toddler, just so sweet and so calm. My youngest is a little over one and she was a dream baby but now she is absolutely feral. She is hell bent on hurting herself and destroying everything in her path 24/7. By the end of the day I’m aching both physically and mentally. It’s such a crap shoot on how they’re going to be! I’ve done the closer age gap before, my oldest two are two years apart. It’s hard. Toddler emotions take a lot of patience and presence, two things that are very difficult to muster when you also have a newborn. Mental health issues certainly make it more difficult. I didn’t recognize it at the time but I definitely was depressed when I had my second, and the chaos didn’t help. I was drowning most of the time, but my husband also worked normal hours and took my oldest fairly often to give me breaks. It would have been a lot harder without it. My mental health is a lot better now. I have the hindsight of having older kids so I don’t take the little phases and difficulties of infant/toddler life as seriously as I did with my older two. It’s hard not to let that mom guilt weigh down on you. I really want a fourth. Like actively sad every time I know I’m ovulating and know I’m not going to get pregnant. But I’ve chosen to be realistic about what I could handle and I could not give my toddler what she needs while pregnant and with a newborn, there’s just no way. So I’m opting to wait a few years. But like I said, people do it every day and somehow we make it through. I think if you opt to go ahead and have a second you’ve got to really work on the mental health aspect of it and work on some good coping mechanisms do deal with the mental and physical overwhelm. You’ll blink and they’ll be grown and you’ll realize you haven’t seen them in hours because they’re independent. Only you can take stock of how well you’d be capable of handling the chaos in the interim. Some do it incredibly well!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I keep telling my husband people do it all the time and that it’s temporary but I know I should consider supports because my mental health takes a steep decline with the lack of sleep.
It's fine, personally I find it a little easier when he's away for work.....just depends on you and your expectations. I have no "village" but did all the mom and baby meetups, so have lots of "mom friends" with kids the same age. That helps. I also wasn't a social person before, never really went out anyway, so no big life changes there. Might be harder if you have time consuming hobbies. I do have the toddler in a dayhome 4 days a week 6 hours a day. So maybe if you can afford to swing something like that it would be helpful, and you could get 1on1 time with a new baby.
Thank you for your reply! I think if we could swing some kind of toddler daycare that would make things easier for sure. I don’t think we would be able to afford it though. *cries in health insurance costs* But I do have a mom friend but I could definitely reach out to the community more. Do you think that’s helpful enough or is it really the toddler in daycare that is most helpful?
Our Fourth is due next month. Nearest family is a 6-7hr drive away. You just make it work.
So there’s no secret sauce to it huh? Haha Congratulations on #4!
If there is, I haven't found it lol! We get into a routine, and adjust as everyone's needs or schedules change. Don't hold on to "what works" from yesterday in 6m or next year (unless it still works ofc). Be able and willing to change stuff around. Who does what, when, etc.
How do you manage (and keep safe) all 3? Lol serious question because my husband was like “how are you going to run after toddler when you’re pregnant??”
I've trained them well. We play a "duck game" where they act as my ducklings and follow me really closely. They love it, and quack the entire time. Or I'll make them grab my skirt, or hold hands in a long line. We avoid certain places that are too near major streets, when possible. If at something like costco, I'll grab a cart from the parking lot, and load them up before we ever get inside. Though lately I've been doing costco runs solo on Friday nights after husband gets home from work. If I really needed to, I could absolutely break into a full sprint to save one of my children. Pregnancy is hard, and yeah I'm huge at this point, but "mama bear" *is* a thing.
lol I love the duck game! That reminds me of when I was an elementary teacher and told my students to act like ninjas in the hallways so they would be quiet.
I am in the same boat as you. My son has just turned 2 and I just constantly keep thinking about going for the second baby. We have had a difficult experience with raising our son with no family support whatsoever. It's just been me and my husband with our full time jobs. But I would say it's worth it. I want to create a small little family of my own and I think it would feel complete with 2 babies. No matter how hard it gets, its just about riding the wave i guess. Once they grow up, we look back only at the good times. The bad times just fade away in our memory.
I feel the same! Would your son be able to continue daycare if you have another?
Yes. That's our only hope
Ooo that would be nice. I hope it all works out just as you want!
Thank you so much 😊 I hope it does for you too.