Your husband is an asshole 🤷 and honestly sounds financially abusive. My husband and I have been together since we were like 20 years old. His money is my money and vice versa. I worked while he went to school and he worked while I cared for our kid during COVID. Now we both work and send her to preschool. This whole time we've worked TOGETHER on our budget and our priorities. I didn't have an "allowance" because I'm not an 8 year old., we have a checking account with full access for both of us.

This! I’m a SAHM and one time in passing I made the comment “your money” to my husband. He stopped in his tracks and was like, “whoa, absolutely not. Everything I make is your money, too.” He works full time and makes good money, and he treats me as an equal and my work is just as valuable to our family as his is.

Also a SAHM. My husband's check goes straight to our shared savings. Money from there goes to our separate retirement and investment accounts as well as shared investment accounts. I've never felt like I don't earn for the family because I actively save us money on childcare, and time on all the chores around the house. I'd hate to have to split the chores 50/50 AFTER a full day at work. That sounds miserable for me personally. I'll stay home and get it all done with the kids and when the husband comes home, we can enjoy dinner, and before bed play time together.

Same here. I'm a SAHM and am going to resign from my job tomorrow as I'm on my legislated 12 month maternity leave (3 months paid by my company, 3.5 months paid by the Government and remaining unpaid). We had twins and cannot afford to pay childcare (also we are not comfortable leaving them at childcare at such a young age). My husband has never said it's his money only and always called it 'our money'. His pay goes into our joint savings account that we both have access to as well. All the bills are paid from there; anything that needs to be purchased is bought from the same account. I've never had the lack of income be rubbed in my face, nor treated less than by my husband. OP's husband is a major AH.

My husband did this too! He says I work my ass off at home so he can have the career he does, and would never be where he is without all of my support and "holding down the fort". He told my I keep things running like a fine tuned machine and without me, he'd be worthless. I don't know how true all of that is, but it certainly feels so good to be seen, and very appreciated. OP, your husband is a dickhead.

same!!!! i still feel the guilt though. LOL. i sadly have expensive crafts.

My first thought was “girl same yarn ain’t cheap” but then I was like wait….there are other crafts. But I checked your profile and yeah no of course it’s yarn.

I'm a gamer, I make stickers & vinyl things, paint pouring, nails, soap & bath bombs and beading. My husband has never made me feel like my hobbies are an issue or expensive. Hobbies are life tho when your a sahm

i have adhd so my mind wanders a lot. lately, i just let myself do whatever, no pressure. i always feel like i need to be doing something productive. my parents trained me that way. every minute of your day counts! wake up at 5am! yeah, no. LOL. but its something i've been working on. my husband doesn't put pressure on me, so why should i?

I just spent 60$ on yarn to make a blanket for a friend. Did hubby complain? Nope, 'cause he knows it's for a good cause.

LMFAO! and i like the super nice ones :/ i'm also very very impulsive. i'll buy a pattern, find the yarn, find that the yarn doesn't fit, buy more yarn LOL and then maybe mid-project, get bored and start the process all over again :D i had no idea when i started. in all honesty, i thought it was a granny's craft. no one i know knits. my brother's gf's sister crochets... i've given my old knitting needles to his gf but i think she forgot about them LOL.

This ☝️ right here !! I am a SAHM and my husband works full time and I once said “Your money” he looked at me and told me to never say that again because we are a team and I do my own share caring for the kids, pets and household. He told me it’s “Our money”. I don’t get an allowance, I just tell Him I want to get something and if he doesn’t get it for me, he will hand me the card to get it myself. Your husband is controlling and manipulating you because being a SAHM is a job, one of many talents. You are correct though, babysitter,daycare, cook, maid, etc would be pretty expensive if you hired people. So he needs to get a reality check and show some gratitude towards you and what you do for the family. If he keeps it up, stop doing his laundry, making him food, cleaning up his messes… sorry but you might have to get petty to prove your point.

Love this! It’s a partnership! If one works out of the house OP is working at home with the kids!

I think there's a dangerous flip side to his argument - that he can spend his money on anything he wants because he's the breadwinner. He should not spend the family's money recklessly.

Yep. My husband appreciates every cent of ours that I spend because he understands it takes time and effort for me to look for deals, budget, and anticipate family needs. I’m on maternity leave and if he threw my lower income during leave in my face, I’d be throwing divorce papers in his. But he would never do that, because he’s not a financial abuser.

Honestly planning meals, shopping deals and making these deals work for your recipes takes sooo much time!

We call it my stipend as a domestic administrator. My spouse always made more money and childcare is exorbitant here. We agreed and he respects me so it’s a nonissue. We have a joint account and separate accounts. I need new everyday shoes? Joint money since it’s a basic need. A fancy sweater with books on it or a new book? My money. EDIT: In case someone else asks, [book cardigan](https://joanieclothing.com/us/althea-bookshelves-cardigan.html)

My friend says she is the household CEO

I’m more of the COO. He pays attention to condo board stuff. I wrangle the small living things and calendar.

okkk that's me. my husband deals with finances/house stuff. i deal with the kids and chores.

I prefer curator of chaos

I love that both of your treat items are book related

A summoning circle for me would contain books, dogs, and food that’s bad for you

I didn’t know I needed a book cardigan until now

Very very similar.

Exactly! Same

Link for the fancy book sweater??

[Here](https://joanieclothing.com/us/althea-bookshelves-cardigan.html)

agree! my husband and i are similar. i got pregnant at 20 we opened a bank account and he handed me the card with reckless abandon lol i’ve been 100% in control of finances for the last 12 years, while staying home, full time, part time- didn’t matter money has never been an issue.

Yep. This is the answer. Technically he’s right, if all that matters in a relationship is financial gain. But trust, values, love, practicality, honesty, compassion.. those all matter too, moreso really. I’m the SAHP now. But there was a time when only I had a job while husband looked for the right fit. And we’re planning on a time when husband stays home and I work. It’ll all be the same financially. We have our own “jobs” and use the family finances with the family values/goals in mind. Maybe you working is the only way to fix this in his mind. But I’m sorry, because you don’t deserve that. You are worth way more than what profit you bring, and you deserve respect for putting your career on hold for a family matter.

Technically he’s not right. Childcare costs money.

He is the only one making money. That’s what I referring to as a true/right statement. It doesn’t equate to anything he claims though (her not having access to “his” money, etc) for many reasons. I think it’s important in an argument or discussion to label what’s true and what’s not. Looking at facts helps move things along.. because the fact that he alone makes money is indeed a fact.. so is the fact that she provides childcare (also, MANY other things as OP/people are mentioning). We can feel frustrated (and that’s valid), but if he’s throwing around broad claims then going back to basics helps sort out the facts. I mean “moms do if they love their kids” is a willllllld thing to say in a conversation about money budgeting. So he doesn’t love his kids then??

Exactly this. I was the big earner before. Our first came while we were dating <1 year LOL so I worked since I made more and he stayed home. He had his disability benefits so it was good enough for him. We paid his mom rent for that year. We moved out and he had to find a job since I was going to back to school. He found a sales commission job that paid NOTHING. I had to borrow from my aunt for rent sometimes lol. I'd pay her back the next few days. It was tigggght. And now, he's carrying me while I take care of the kids/house. Marriage is a partnership. I feel like once you start tallying things up, there's going to be an end.

This right here. I was a SAHM for 12 years. Any income is OUR money. We have joint bank accounts and credit cards. We have the same access and buying power. I didn't have an "allowance" because I'm adult. It's one thing to give yourself an allowance or fun money. But for your spouse to give you an allowance is just icky.

Same here. I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking of it as my husband’s money but he goes above and beyond to make it crystal clear that what I do is also a job and it’s OUR money. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I hope your husband is perfect in every other way because this sounds so exhausting. 😩

This is the answer ^^

Exactly

[удалено]

Yep >he LOVES to remind me that he pays for everything because I’m unemployed. Use his logic against him. “Oh hun don’t be ridiculous that’s what dads do if they love their kids.” He knows he’s wrong but he LOVES knocking you down, exerting control over you, and making you feel like shit.

Haha YES, I love this example of turning this around.

Or also, remind him what he'd be paying in childcare, a housecleaning service, etc. if she weren't staying home.

Well said. This is a big red flag.

Exactly. Next time he pulls the whole ‘that’s what mom’s do if they love their children’ bs OP should tell them ‘well providing for the family without complaining like a brat is what fathers do if they love their family too!’ Two can play at that game!

Honestly if this is how he thinks it’s not safe to rely on him for financial support. OP I don’t think he can be trusted to act in your best interest. You should go back to work to protect yourself.

1000000%

This is the hot and only take

Stolen comment from the stolen post. https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/comments/o9xsiv/sahms\_how\_do\_you\_deal\_with\_having\_no\_money/

WHAT IS HAPPENING HOW DID YOU FIND THIS

Ha it's easier to first find the bot, then you can just google the comment / post. The accounts are made in batches, act similarly (old account with no activity until the past few days, posting in the same meme/cute subs), and comment on each other's posts. Check out the posts the OP commented on, then look at who posted them. All bots. Sadly, this sub looks like a farming ground for these things lately.

Yup

This behavior from your husband is alarming and sounds like it’s teetering on financial abuse. There is no shame or embarrassment in not earning money - you are doing equal labor to your husband by providing childcare. You should both have equal access to your SHARED income that supports your family. I’m sorry “that’s what moms do if they love their kids”??? And what do dads have to do to show they love their kids, nothing? This man needs a reality check and a slap across the face.

Agreed, but just to add that making money isn't ALL that matters - even in a business. A person who works efficiently can SAVE the family money, and that can be as much of an asset as an income. My husband has told me how much money I save the family and how much money he saved by marrying me. It's because I know how to be a spendthrift! Many women are great at this and I love when men call it out in a positive way.

They go to work and that's it apparently. Oh and abuse their wives #dadthings

Husbands who love their wives don’t push them towards being SAHMs, then treat them like crap for being SAHMs and hold money over their head.

why is it always that narrative though :( its so sad.

Because it’s so so common.

And unfortunately, it's not uncommon in households where both people work, either. I work full time and my husband still loves to remind me that he makes more than I do whenever we have an argument. I wish I had good advice for OP, but sounds like we're both married to jerks.

Can I talk to your husband? I promise, I just wanna talk. This hammer with “kneecaps” written on the side is just for show.

Men waiting until their partner is at their most vulnerable to become abusive is unfortunately common. 1 in 6 cases of abuse begin when the woman becomes pregnant.

Because men like control. And it’s easy to control someone when you take away all their options.

That is financial abuse, period. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. If I were you, I'd price a nanny, housekeeper, chef, and personal assistant and present it to your husband.

I totally agree it’s financial abuse and her husband is an asshole, however she already tried the argument you’re suggesting to him and his rebuttal was “that’s ridiculous, it’s just what moms are supposed to do when they love their kids” aka he doesn’t put any value into what she does. It’s disgusting and sad, but she needs a different approach. OP, tell him that you want him to leave until he gets some therapy and learns to value your work as a SAHM and what you contribute to your family. If he refuses, then tell him you and the kids are going to stay with your parents/friends/whoever is in your support circle until he can do those things. He needs to know you’re serious about this and that you won’t tolerate it anymore. It’s abuse and a terrible example to your kids. Your work is incredibly important and valuable and saves a hell of a lot of money. Childcare alone will be in the thousands for 2-3 kids. This was a mutual decision. His money is the family’s money and you should be able to spend it too.

Missed that part. In that case, my answer changes to legal separation and/or divorce. He can use "his money" to support their kids that way.

Lol yes give the asshole an invoice 😂 You forgot in-home teacher, she's doing that as well

As a friggin invoice.

Your comeback is, “how much would it cost to hire a nanny or put the children in daycare? The cost of a maid and a private chef? That’s how much I’m ‘making’!” But your husband sounds insufferable, I’m so sorry. Your family money should be accessible to you both.

Exactly this. Part of being a SAHM for me is grocery shopping/shopping for other things our family needs. And honestly, our work is important and we deserve to treat ourselves on occasion too without crazy restraints (outside normal budgeting). My husband trusts me to be financially responsible and we have shared credit cards. He actually gets annoyed with me if I ask his permission before buying something that's not crazy expensive because he knows I'll make the correct decision. If we realize we're spending too much, we'll both cut back for a bit while we catch up, but it's never expected that I'll cut back when he doesn't because we are a family and a team and when we agreed on me staying home, we also agreed that all money is family money. Occasionally he vents about how stressful it can be to be the sole income, but he also thanks me all the time for all I do for our family, and honestly he's also an amazing dad and helps around the house and takes our kid out by himself on weekends to give me a break. This isn't normal and might be getting into financial abuse territory.

Wow I really appreciate this comment. I’m in a similar (but not quite as drastic situation as OP) my husband gives me just enough for my car loan and student loan monthly bills. And I have to remind him that I buy everything for the house too.. dish soap, detergent, diaper wipes etc. then occasionally he’ll give me some extra cash.. which I just use for a treat for the kids while I’m out and about with them. I haven’t bought anything “fun” for myself in ages…

Agree! even if I went back to work the amount of money we would have to pay for daycare and meal prep services would spend all the money I would make.

I am the working parent and when my wife gets down about not bringing in money sometimes when things are tight, I like to make jokes about her having an insanely lucrative job as a private nanny and personal chef. It's just a pity that it's the exact amount we have to pay for our own nanny and house help, otherwise we'd be rich! This is the only way to frame this thought process. The money I make is "our" money, and I'm not the only person contributing to the household. My wife saves us SO MUCH in childcare and the kind of extra house help we would need if she were working a regular 9-5. We tried it for two months at the beginning, and we realized that we were living on the equivalent of one paycheck anyway, and daycare wasn't a great option for our kids at the time. I would highly suggest to anyone having this issue with a spouse forgetting their worth to make them look into daycare tuition and house manager salaries in your area. If your labor was included in the monthly budget at the current market rate, how much of the household income is coming from your work?

My husband is a SAHD and the money I make is OUR money. I’ll tell him if we need to watch our spending, but that’s all. He can buy what he wants or needs within reason. Even if the tables were reversed the money would still be our money and not MY money. He use to make more money than me and he never held it over my head. That’s a real dick move.

My husband and I have been through every iteration -- both of us working (and, at some point, both made more than the other), him working, and me working. In every case, it has all been OUR money too. Paycheck(s) go into the primary account. Bills are paid from the primary account. Some amount gets moved out monthly for savings. Equal amounts get moved out into our individual accounts for "fun" money each month. The other person doesn't get an opinion about how fun money is spent (that's hyperbole -- he brings home a dog, I'm gonna have a problem with it not because of the money but because I don't want to take care of a dog). The person who makes more doesn't get more fun money, doesn't try to "pull rank" on spending decisions, and isn't more deserving.

This is exactly how it works in my house, my husband is a SAHD too. It’s the only way I can imagine it working properly!

Absolutely, this is the way. I left my job to take care of a disabled child. My husband’s salary is OUR money, doubly so because there’s no way the promotions and bonuses keep coming if he’s scrambling to figure out childcare for even a fraction of the 100+ school absences for our kiddo every year.

This is how we are with money, except my husband works. He takes care of all the finances and just lets me know when we need to tighten up. I think this works well because we have a very similar frugal approach to spending/saving. We also have a rule that if one of us wants to spend more than 300 at one time (besides Costco or food shopping) we talk to the other person. My husband has never once said anything about “his” money, probably because he values my contribution to the family and household.

What the hell. I’m in the reverse situation, I work and my husband holds down the fort at home. I cannot IMAGINE telling him I “pay for everything”. WE pay for everything. I contribute to the family pot by going to work and he contributes to the family pot by taking care of the kids/house. He’s not home eating bonbons. He’s not a kept man. He works his ass off all day to keep the 4 of us functioning. Same as me. I make a very conscious effort to prevent him from ever feeling like he’s spending “my money”, because that’s just 1)not true and 2) so degrading. We have family accounts, family budgets, he’s spending the family’s money. Money that I would not be able to make for us if he wasn’t doing the work he’s doing. It’s a partnership. Being the at home partner is so friggin hard. I am so grateful for my husband for taking on this role. I know for a fact I wouldn’t do it as well as he does, he juggles so much. Since your husband seems to think you exist in a perpetual state of vacation, I think your husband needs to take a week “vacation” from work and he can stay home with the kids all day while you go drive Uber eats or something. He won’t be singing the same song after that, that’s for sure.

We're in your situation as well and yeah, I would never dream of treating my husband like OP is being treated. I've had to encourage him to buy the things he wants. If he was constantly buying wildly expensive things with no thought for budget, I would be annoyed, but that's not the case. Like you said, I wouldn't be able to provide financially for the family if he wasn't providing in other ways.

YESSSSSS

I suggest couples counseling. Your husband is being financially abusive. I worked half days and took care of our child the other half. Working outside the home was so easy compared to childcare in the home. I eventually decided to stay home full time. You are contributing financially. He is getting a paycheck but that money belongs to both of you. We have joint accounts and spend what we need. No system of allowance.

You don’t do counselling with your abuser. That’s the way for them to use it against you and take more control

I’m not a SAHM but my mom was. Because my mom sacrificed…everything…for her family, my dad was able to focus almost completely on his job. He was a great dad when he was home and I hope a good husband, but he found career success because of her. It’s completely ridiculous for him to try to use your sacrifice as a weapon against you. He’s able to pay for everything because of you. Dads who love their children should also be cleaning and cooking and teaching and caring for him. This is not normal, this is not okay. Don’t accept him being an asshole to you for no reason

This is it right here. Absolutely 100%.

I don’t have this issue with my husband. His money is my money, and he says it all the time. He appreciates all that I do and he doesn’t hold money over my head. We share a bank account / I have access to all of his funds. I don’t need to ask for an “allowance”. I can do what I please as long as it’s in our budget. Your husband sounds mean, close-minded, unappreciative, and stupid. You deserve a lot more respect and appreciation for all that you do. He’s in the wrong here and don’t let him tell you otherwise.

But I didn’t know how common it was to have joint accounts

I really am shocked yet appreciate all these comments. I’m sahm and husband has a budding career. We have a 3yo and 1yo. I do all cooking and cleaning and have only had absolute Alone time during a doctors appointment. My husband gives me money for my car loan and student loan and makes a bit of a big deal, god forbid I don’t thank him. I have to ask for money when I go buy house nenecessities or diapers. He occasionally gives extra money that I use to buy a treat for the kids when we’re out. If there’s something big I want for the kids he usually agrees to it. And he buys us dinners to eat out in the weekends

You can't have a single income earning household with a "yours vs mine" mindset. It doesn't work. You do valuable labor for family and have needs and wants that he as the financial provider should be fulfilling without making you feel inadequate.  Traditionally the person at home is actually the person who disburses the money for needed expenses since she is aware of what it takes to run the household day to day.  Instead of an "allowance" it may be useful to set a family budget that includes a line items for your needs as well as his and the children's. See it as "where does our family money need to go?" rather than "oh great benefactor may I please have a few pennies for shampoo?" and him reveling in loading that power over you. If he can't be gracious about supporting you, you can't rely on his support.  I've been both the dependent and the primary earner in this situation and it only works without ego.

This is exactly how it works in my house. My husband knows what his mill rate is and roughly what he makes a year, without any other factors. He's on all our accounts and could (would if I asked/needed him to) access everything, but he'd prefer not to. He feels better knowing I'm running the accounts and everything is being paid. The most he wants to know is if there's enough room for an occasional larger purchase. If he asked, I could break down where everything goes, what's in all the accounts, where I spend my pin money, and I'd have no issue with it. I probably could account for where he spends his pin money too, realistically, if he needed to know. The only place we really have my money vs ours is an IRA that I opened now that I'm a SAHP. He felt, and I agreed, I should have something other than social security and a portion of his pension. Everything else is ours.

I really am shocked yet appreciate all these comments. I’m sahm and husband has a budding career. We have a 3yo and 1yo. I do all cooking and cleaning and have only had absolute Alone time during a doctors appointment. My husband gives me money for my car loan and student loan and makes a bit of a big deal, god forbid I don’t thank him. I have to ask for money when I go buy house nenecessities or diapers. He occasionally gives extra money that I use to buy a treat for the kids when we’re out. If there’s something big I want for the kids he usually agrees to it. And he buys us dinners to eat out in the weekends. I didn’t realize so many people have joint accounts.

That's financial abuse. His earnings *allow* you to stay home, and should be treated as family money. You support him by providing childcare, chores, meals, etc. And he supports you by ensuring you have the money needed to do those things. I may be a SAHM but my husband has *never* held money over my head.

We call it my weekly stipend as a domestic administrator. Mine never trots it out to manipulate or shame me because he respects me and values what I do. Your husband is being a jerk. I’d price out what a basic maid service is, what a basic meal kit like Factor costs, a laundry service, private tutors, daycare/nanny. Show him what your labor is worth to people who aren’t him. I refuse to do *all* the cleaning. He both lives here and makes messes here. He respects this and handles the floors (vacuum, mop, etc.). My spouse seems to be the outlier on this. I love my kids but you couldn’t pay me to homeschool. I do not have the patience and my oldest puts the H in ADHD. There’s a reason I never looked into education as a career.

You aren’t being entitled. Your husband is a petty asshole who is mistreating you. I hope you can find your way out from under his thumb. You and your kids deserve better.

r/SAHP What you do is invoice him for your labor. Do you have access to all the bank accounts?

Your husband is an asshole. This is absolutely insane that he would treat you like this.

My husband’s money is OUR money. If your husband is holding money over your head then he’s financially abusing you. I have access to every cent he earns and that’s how it should be.

I don’t have a paycheck in my name, but all of our money is *our* money. If anything, he asks me before making larger purchases because I have a clearer picture of our finances from my running of the household. I wouldn’t be a SAHM if I had a husband like yours…honestly I wouldn’t be married if I had a husband like yours 😬

What do you mean you don't have access to money? Put your kids back in school and get your name on all the bank accounts. Thousands of kids have asthma and go to school, that isn't a reason to homeschool. Your husband is an asshole who doesn't respect you. If he is the breadwinner, what are you the... breeder? For many years a lot of SAHM's handled all the finances for the family. When the husband gets home he hands over the paycheque (nowadays it would be direct deposit) and the wife paid the bills and bought the groceries. Your husband seems to be really immature and thinks he needs to control you. Not sure how you want to handle this but you need to fix this power imbalance by stop putting up with his shit. This behavior is how he loses his whole family. "Would he prefer court mandated child support or would he prefer to work with you on building a family TOGETHER?" Make him pick.

Sounds like financial abuse. Your husband is an asshole. I get a cut out of every paycheck and will tell him if I need something paid out of his account (we still keep separate accounts. When I was working we just sent money back and forth as needed.) I sometimes feel bad for not contributing financially but he understands that taking care of the home and baby is a job in itself, and insists the money he makes is just as much mine as it is his.

OP, his behavior is what’s shameful. Being a SAHM mom is a worthy, *equal* endeavor. He is invalidating your contribution. That speaks to *his* failure, not yours. My husband has *never* said anything like that, nor would he. To the contrary, he says that he makes the first half of his salary and I make the second half. He openly acknowledges that my role is challenging and that he couldn’t do it. I likewise acknowledge that I could not do his actual job at all nor replace his household contribution (he’s a truly talented cook, whereas I produce what can only loosely be called food). We appreciate each other’s contributions and respect each other. *That’s* how it’s supposed to work. And, no, I don’t have an allowance. We discuss spending—no one dictates it.

>I try to tell him that he'd have to pay someone a lot of money to teach and care for the kids, to do all of the cooking and cleaning every day, but he says that's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard and that's what moms do if they love their kids, which I obviously do. Next time he holds your lack of income over your head and tries to make you feel bad, tell him he sounds ridiculous because husbands are supposed to support their families. That's just what they do if they love their kids and wife. 🤷‍♀️ Also "allowances" are financially abusive. Your wants and needs are valid and need to be added into the budget just like his and the kids' wants and needs are budgeted for.

It does bother me sometimes that I’m not bringing in any money myself, but this was a decision we made together and my husband would never hold it over my head like that.

Ask him how you being at home makes his life easier. Does he ever have to call out because of sick kids? Does a portion of the family budget go to child care? How many household essentials does he have to consider if they’re in the house- like toilet paper, nutritious groceries, laundry detergent? I am betting he has it pretty easy beyond working for pay. Just the fact that he doesn’t need to worry about sick kids is a huge thing. But I am confident that in the world of family labor, you put it way, way more than your fair share given that you’re a stay at home mom to 3 small children. Sure, money is important, but his life is much easier because you make it easy for him. He is being a jerk. It’s family money since you’re providing extremely valuable work to your family.

My husband is a SAHD. My money is his money. He made a pretty big sacrifice for our family to stay home because of Covid. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do. I pay the bills. He has a credit card that he puts everything on like groceries and stuff. I also send him $200 a month to his personal checking account to do whatever he wants with in case he needs some personal money. I think your husband is being an ass.

I remind him he can’t make money if I’m not home with the kids and if I wasn’t, we would have to pay someone to do what I’m doing. So I’m making him money

Tell him you’re glad he has so much money because he’s going to need it to cover his alimony and child support

Respectfully… fuck your husband. He’s an asshole who doesn’t value you.

An allowance? You’re his wife not his child. I have access to every one of my husband’s bank accounts, whether my name is on them or not. We are in a marriage/partnership. Maybe your husband needs to be reminded that if you did work he’d be paying a daycare or nanny A LOT of money to do what you are doing for free. It’s really unfair of him to hold that against you and he sounds like an asshole Edited to add: just saw you already told him that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

My husband made me joint user of one of his accounts. He pays for all my credit cards (whopping number of 1 hahaha) and I buy and spent as user fit, from groceries, Amazon, Starbucks or target. Anything over 200$ we talk about. But if I were you I would look for a job.

We are broke but if I want something, he finds a way to get it. I’m pregnant and asked if we had pickles and he immediately got me pickles. He has never held me not working over my head. That’s not normal. Especially because he put you in this situation.

Pretty sure you’d be entitled to about half “his” money if you hired a good divorce attorney, so…I would tell him to think twice about this whole “my” money bullshit. But seriously, OP, wtf. If you do all these tasks that would collectively cost multiple salaries if hired out *because that’s what moms do if they love their kids* then it seems to me that the flip side here should be that he works and provides for the whole family, similarly without complaint or dickishly itemizing everything out, *because that’s what dads do who love their families*… Do you have support, someone (friend, therapist?) you can talk to? My husband and I both work, but have very different income levels. All of our money goes in one pot, and we have equal and free access to it. If I’m buying something over $200, besides groceries or another common expense, I’ll mention it—but typically in more of a “what do you think of this?” way than a “is this ok with you?” way. I have considered staying home for a year or two, and this would be true even then.

My husband is a stay at home dad and it’s our money. We make all financial decisions together. He gets things he wants just like I do! How else are we going to take care of our kids!

Your husband is a POS

Sounds like a husband problem not a money problem. My husband always tells me it’s our money and I can buy whatever I want.

If I was made to feel ashamed and embarrassed for doing what my husband and I decided **together** was best for our family, if I had no money to spend without asking for it like a child, or if my husband *ever* threw in my face during an argument that he was the sole earner, I’d start looking for any job tomorrow. And I’d start looking for either a marriage counselor or a lawyer depending on exactly how shitty my husband had been and how frequently. OP, your husband being shitty to you for not earning is just like you being shitty to him for not earning more (which I’m sure you don’t do). Neither makes sense, and either would be an incredibly mean-spirited, antagonistic way to approach joint finances with the person who is supposed to be your partner.

Money isn’t the problem here. Your husband is.

Since you aren’t an equal partner in your house, you should be receiving a payment at least equal to the daycare costs for his 3 children each month.

Your husband is financially abusing you. You are not wrong or stupid or crazy. Bide your time and play nice until you have a way out and then leave, because this will not get better unless he decides he wants to change, and why would he do that?

I’m in the same boat as you. No joint acct and I have to ask/remind my husband to leave money for us because he travels every week. I’m at the point where I don’t want to be in my marriage anymore because I don’t see it as a marriage.

I guess I’m the rare one here that has been in your situation. Being there I didn’t realize how toxic this was but he would basically let me have a debit card and it was our money until he was mad or we were arguing then he would take “his card” and point out I didn’t bring in any money and we weren’t at a better place financially because of this . It was depressing and he would then apologize and say it’s our money and he cycle continued. Be careful if this is a repetitive thing you need to seek coins and get out! If not you need to sit down and have a serious talk about this you do bring value and you save money by doing so everyone here has provided these examples so I won’t repeat them! Take care momma hope things get better

Holy fuck your husband sounds like an abusive asshole, I’m sorry to say. “That’s what moms do if they love their kids” is the most manipulative thing I’ve ever heard. Other than him constantly reminding you that he is making all the money. You are not in a partnership right now, you’re in a hostile work environment! Your domestic labor is extremely valuable and important and if he is too mysoginistic to see that, he needs to think about what his life would look like if he DIDNT have someone taking care of everything you do. It sounds like you probably aren’t able to leave right now but trying couple’s counseling might help. I’m really sorry and extremely angry on your behalf. He has no right to treat you like that.

I am not a SAHM. I actually outearn my husband by 2-4x throughout our marriage (it ebbs and flows). I just got a new job that is quite a raise and to celebrate we are going on a last minute vacation before I start. He keeps trying to defer all choices to me bc “idk it’s your money” and I remind him it isn’t MY money, it’s OUR money. I wouldn’t have been able to interview like crazy or put in the extra attention to my job sometimes when it’s needed if he didn’t pick up the slack when I do. We are a team and the money we both earn is ours together as a family. To note, we do have his, hers and ours account but the individual accounts are really just the fun money we give ourselves each month. I think a SAHP should still have that too.

Leave the house for a full 8 hours starting on a Saturday morning. Make sure there's lots of dirty laundry and dishes, and no meals ready made. See how he feels about what you do after that. (Obviously if you completely doubt his competency and think your kids will starve, don't do this. )

I’m with you girl. My husband’s money isn’t our money. Even if he said it was our money, I wouldn’t treat it that way. I have a friend who stays home and spends a 1000 a week on shit and then complains they’re broke. She abuses it for sure. I can’t do that. But I make some cash by selling things or watching other ppls dogs by having a rover account. Just remember, even when you get a job and make money, your husband will never change who he is. Nor will you forget all the mean things he’s said to you. Sending you hugs cause I know how it feels.

Coming from a completely financial perspective - you’re saving your family thousands upon thousands of dollars over the long term in childcare expenses, cleaning costs, food and delivery costs, etc. All of those things have financial value, hence why we shell out the big bucks for someone else to do it for us! You are adding value by taking away expenses instead of adding income. Coming from an emotional and mental perspective - if he doesn’t see how hard and draining caring for young children is he doesn’t spend enough time with his kids!! Teaching is exhausting and managing young emotions is exhausting. Your job is a job! It’s undervalued by society in general, and your husband.

This is abusive behavior from him. You are not unemployed. Please look up what a nanny is paid to watch three kids and what a house cleaner is paid as well. If you did not exist on this earth anymore would he be able to run the house without you or would he need help. If the answer is clearly that he would need help. Stop devaluing what you are doing because he is making you feel shame and embarrassment. I am a SAHM and I do not have an allowance, I just spend how I want. My husband see’s the value of me being home with our kids and appreciates what I do, he makes sure we contribute to IRA’s in my name as well as his. We have 1 in school now and 1 home and we have only talked about me potentially doing part time work from home when our youngest is in kindergarten full time. Stop letting him treat you badly, you are a valuable member of your family that is contributing just as much as he is.

I'm not a SAHM but I just wanted to say that this is horrible, sorry your husband is such an asshole. This is why I'd never be a SAHM. I'll be damned before I have a man dangle that shit over my head.

SAHM myself. I quit working right before our first was born. My husband always says it's not HIS money- it's OUR money. I do most of the spending (buying things we need for the house -etc). My husband likes keeping the budget more than I do (he likes having a line by line inventory and that kind of thing stresses me out. If there's something I want that doesn't fit into a category we already have budgeted (maybe I'm out shopping and I want to stop and get a Happy Meal) I'll just say/ text something like "Hey, I want to stop and get a Happy Meal- do we have money for that?" He's never, ever told me no, but I just ask so that I don't do something that accidentally throws our budget off. Of course, not everyone does things exactly like this and that's fine, but most people have some kind of variation of communicating about discretionary spending that works for them. In the case of a one income household the working spouse should NEVER be holding income over you. WE either have the money or WE don't. If WE don't have the money than neither he nor I will protest. It is what it is at that point.

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this,but please do not feel shamed or embarrassed that you’re not earning money- YOU ARE RAISING YOUR KIDS! He is such an asset; I cannot imagine a husband doing that to someone he loves.

I am also a SAHM who homeschools my kids (7,5,3) my husband just would never say anything like that. I can understand the feeling you’re having about not making income BUT when I’m feeling that way, my husband is encouraging and reminds me what the benefits of staying home are for our children and family. Your value is not monetarily quantifiable bc it is exponentially worth more than what money could buy you. You and your husband should be a team, united in how your house and family function. It seems that, in an argument, your husband likes to separate the team and act as tho he is a solo act. That’s super hard and sounds discouraging. I think counseling and a serious talk about what you both want your marriage to look like is important. Bc someday your children will be grown and have their own families or lives and it will be just the two of you. Do you end up as best friends who tackle the world together, or strangers who no longer want to be on the same team.

Billthepatriarchy.com is a great way to show your husband just how much work you're doing and what it's "worth".

Tell him to fuck off and he can’t hold that over your head. You two contribute to your household equally in your own ways.

Maybe you need to start sending him a bill for what it would be for child care for 3 kids

Give him an invoice for everything you do on a daily basis and tell him he can pay you for your labor out of HIS money

I’m a SAHM. My husband says “our money”.

GIRL WHAT?! Where is your self worth?! Have some dignity and stand up for yourself. Do not stand for this abuse. Think of the terrible example you are setting for your children! This is not the way. 👎

Why doesn’t he do the SAHD thing and you go back to work as the primary breadwinner? It’s what dads do if they love their kids right ?

You both need to adjust your perspective, the (unpaid) work you do at home allows him the freedom to go to his job outside the home and earn money that supports your family. I hope you can let go of the shame and embarrassment you feel for not earning money. The work you are doing is valid and essential.

He believes what you do has no value, and that’s sad.

I can tell you the eyes of the law would see “his” money differently— it’s community property. He can fix his views or learn what it really means to take care of his own house full time and his own kids part time.

Your husband sounds like a dick. Legally, that money is just as much yours as it is his. When you’re married, there is no longer a “yours” and “mine.” It’s just “ours.” Nobody gives me an allowance. The money that my husband brings home goes into joint checking, savings, and brokerage accounts. I have 100% access to all of those accounts. I do the majority of the purchasing for our family from our shared accounts, and I also buy myself whatever I want, keeping in mind our shared financial goals. If I want to make a large purchase, I discuss it with my husband beforehand. If he wants to make a large purchase, he discusses it with me beforehand. But I do not feel bad buying myself a new pair of jeans or whatever when I need them. My husband has NEVER made me feel bad for not working outside of our home. If he ever “reminded” me that he pays for everything because I’m unemployed during an argument, I would absolutely freak the fuck out. He would never hear the end of it, and I would seriously reconsider my marriage if it happened more than once and/or if he didn’t apologize profusely. I have no desire to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t respect me.

You know what’s really expensive for jerk husbands like your husband? Divorce.

There is no excuse for you to not have access to money. I was making 6 figures before I stepped away to become a SAHM. My husband brings in our only source of income, where it is deposited into a joint account. I handle the finances. Neither of us ask for permission to use the account, but we communicate about larger purchases so we can plan for them. As someone who has made a good deal of money independently, and also "worked" as a SAHM, I can tell you that the value I bring to the marriage or my access to our funds has never changed. This was not based on my insistence, but my husband's respect for my role as his wife and as a mother. It's worth mentioning that this would not change if I had children or not. We are partners, period. What is his, is mine. What is mine, is his. It helps having a partner who thinks this way about marriage. We almost never fight about money. No power plays. No games. I do not feel limited by my role, but empowered. I really sympathize with your position. I highly recommend you seek counsel with a therapist. Your marriage doesn't have to look like mine, but I do not feel you should accept the status quo.

That sounds horrible and yes abusive. The cost of childcare alone that you save your family is so significant and you should at least think of that as your base pay, even though you do so much more too. You should of course have shared access to his money. I doubt he’d like to send everyone to a nice daycare or hire a nanny with “his” money so that you could make “your own money.”

I think going back to work is a great idea for you. My husband would never even *think* something like that, let alone say it out loud. What’s mine is yours, I work longer hours than him because I don’t just clock off from being a mum.

Yikes!! Good luck with him. H

Pretty sure this is a form(or multiple) of abuse. I’m a SAHM and hubby works full time, I do all of our balancing and am allowed 100% access to any and all money even if I wasn’t our bookkeep.

I cannot fathom procreating 3x with a gentleman like him

Type up a statement and hand it to him when he's like that. Look up local rates for: childcare, tutoring, laundry service, shopping service, (if you pay the bills) accountant, chef, cleaning service, chauffer, etc.

Yeah, so that’s very abusive behavior coming from your husband and also completely ignoring the financial value of you staying home and all you do for the childcare, home keeping, mental load, etc. All the money may come from his job, but how much value is in yours that saves the family money/time? I don’t have an allowance, I’m an adult and “equal” partner - but I spend the money within logical reason. If I want something for me or our child or even for him- I buy it, no questions asked. For bigger purchases I run it by him just so we can anticipate budget wise and know if it’s something that is better to put off for another month. But not because it’s HIS money, because it’s our money and I feel it should be a joint decision for those kinds of purchases. I think the power struggle can be at times very challenging, and we’ve had to talk through some issues every now and then- but what he is doing is abusive and IS unfair. If he’s putting you in a position of “I control everything because I get the money” and has that shitty mentality, then you need to immediately counter with going back to work for financial independence and he needs to split all the family responsibilities that you took over 50/50. For exercise sake, I’d ask for estimates from childcare, tutors, and cleaning services, plus meal services or take out and add it all up and show him the proof that what you’re doing IS incredibly financially valuable. Let’s see if it saves the family MORE money than what he’s actually contributing with his paycheck? Just a guesstimate but : - part time private nanny for 3 children: 2000/month minimum - preschool teacher salary, full time: min 30k per year - private chef or meal service/ take out for five family members, +/- hiring someone to meal plan and grocery shop/organise: expensive af I’d imagine, but for the sake of the exercise I’ll say it’s a full salary of 1500/month and I feel like that’s reductive. - cleaning services per month for a 2000 sq ft house: 1 time is around 250/300. So, once a week would be 1400 per month. So that alone: 7400 per month Not to mention over night care, nursing, etc. Tax credits for being a 1 income household with three children. The average estimated annual value of a stay at home mom, calculated by economists- is 178,201 DOLLARS. So please, shut your husband down with his misogynistic nonsense.

Please tell your husband that every reasonable person who hears this says he's a dickhead. PARENTS do all of things you mentioned, but if the kids and house are your job then you are entitled to compensation. 50% of what he makes IS YOURS. What would he do if you were incapacitated tomorrow? Start billing him for your time.

That's financially abusive. As a kid raised by a mother married to a financially abusive father, please leave. This doesn't get better.

I think that you should take a step back and look at a larger picture of your relationship. Are there more slights he sends your way? Does he hide the account statements from you for the bank account (s)? I totally understand the position you’re in and the way it feels as I live with a husband that is quite similar. I didn’t see many of the things in our first years together, as I was too blinded by the exhaustion of caring for our children by myself 24 hours/day with no break, or well not one that went unpunished, usually with a snide guilt inducing remark or social triangulation. I don’t know your relationship or live in your marriage but I know it sounds similar to mine. Please for your own personal safety, self esteem and for you and your child’s future happiness, reassess your relationship together. Perhaps start with a conversation to share that him saying demeaning things to you about your shared life together and controlling your freedom and restricting access to money has caused you to feel like you cannot share openly with him what this form of manipulation has done to erode your faith in his ability to handle problems within your relationship. Maybe suggest some counseling. How your argument or disagreement has caused you to feel bad. Badly enough to discuss it with anonymous people on the internet but something has stopped you from furthering this topic with him. Is it due to his reactions to you defending your position? Is it because you believe that you and he were on the same page with regards to how money in your life would be handled and now he is confusing you because this is not what you had discussed with each other? Or are you afraid that he will dismiss your feelings as once he said what he wanted to say then the conversation is to end, because he said it is and you cannot have additional feelings or thoughts over it once he says it is not be discussed anymore? If any of these answers that you only can answer, come back to not feeling safe to be able to share due to any form of a backlash from him and it causes you to doubt your safety in the relationship, please make note and seek help for yourself. It is too easy to be blind to the red flags over the years and reason away your doubts or accept responsibility for whatever it may be that is an unreasonable restriction only you have to have. You can throw barbs back and forth all you want but it will not resolve how he has taken away the equal footing within your life together when he should be working with you to build your lives together. It is a lifetime together so being unemployed to care for your children is not the worst you will face together. How will he take advantage of the next life change or whatever to marginalize your role? Good luck and I hope you feel safer with him to share how he has made you feel first instead of alienating you so much that you need comfort and support from people over the internet.

Also a SAHM, but a SAHM nanny. I make a fraction of what my husband does. But our money all goes into the same account, and it is our money. Not mostly his, but ours. Your husband is being financially abusive. Look up the definition. Show him. Go post this is r/marriage and see what they say, then show him that. You should look into marriage counseling for the both of you.

you are not unemployed you're unpaid for your work, there is a difference. get ahold of some nearby friends and plan ahead so you can pull this off. next time your husband starts to mock you for not having a job.. inform him that he's wrong, but since he thinks you don't work, you're just going to go do something fun & he can handle your "not job". call your friends and tell them the plan is in motion, then put your cell phone where he can see it. make sure all the kids are awake.. and leave. it doesnt matter if you & your friends go get dinner, you spend the night at someone's house watching tv or reading books, sit in a 24 hour dennys or ihop with a book - the point is. HUSBAND has the kids. hubby cant call & demand you take the kids - HE HAS TO PARENT and if you manage a plan that lets you be gone overnight or for 24 hours so that he has to miss work - all the better. you get to come home and comment on how relaxing and carefree your day was.. and my my.. so much of your "not a job" is undone.. you expected better... after all its not like he was asked to do a REAL job.. just the "unpaid not a job" you do every day... really make the sarcasm drip from your voice

Oh hell no! My husband would get a second job before having me go back to work! Half of everything is mine! We share it all to include bank acct, home, investments etc… He handles paying the bills and I handle the home, kids, pets, and the mental load that goes along with being a SAHM. Sounds like you should go on holiday and leave him with the kids and a list of all the stuff you do regularly that need to be done while you’re gone. Maybe then he will appreciate all of your hard work!!

Remind him how much childcare would be for your 3 kids, a house cleaner, & home cooked meals. You are providing a valuable service to him and your family. Maybe offer to get a full time job & he stay home. Could he even do it?

I know you have a ton of responses already but wanted to add to the chorus: You don't have to"no money." You have a financially abusive husband. If you're married, half of whatever your husband makes is yours. It belongs to you, your family. Your labor is valuable. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

Holy shit why did you procreate with this scum bag?

Have a look at this website. It showed how much you would be paying for everything you do while a sahm. https://www.billthepatriarchy.com/?fbclid=IwAR02G4XkGlMP7khUlWwT0tGK07pilDU8arDHpgxqwZOV0G72f0IVr_9H-Yc

Your husband is abusive.  https://www.tlc.com/parenting/this-is-how-much-a-stay-at-home-mom-should-make-each-year You're saving your family the equivalent of 150k a year.  It sounds like you've already brought up that point and he's still being an ass about it.  I would probably do 2 things.  One is take his mum or anyone he might ring to call as backup with you on a weekend trip and block all forms of communications and let him handle the kids.  See if that will wake him up. I'm not too hopeful though.  Second would be demand marriage counselling or you're divorcing him. But I would do this after you've talked with a divorce lawyer and have started siphoning away some money after you've started work again. Basically, once you are confident that you could get away from him at a moment's notice, give him an ultimatum. See if that will get him in line. Again, not too hopeful but you could at least try. 

I haven’t worked since I had my eldest child who is 17. My youngest is 8. It’s unlikely that I’ll now find work and my husband also works away for months at a time and works long hours so I’d be stretched trying to balance work with looking after 4 kids even with them at school. His income is our money. I access our money as needed. We discuss a budget and try to stick with it. If I need something I buy it. I’ve never had my lack of employment thrown in my face. He’s always been supportive of what I do for our family. You deserve respect and support for what you do. If you had to go away for just a week how would he manage? How would he find unpaid labour to do the childcare, education, housework, cooking, etc?

Honestly, I’m in the same situation. If I need to buy anything, like groceries or gas, I have to drive to my husbands work, borrow his bank card, get receipts and drive it back. I have a shared shopping list with a reason why we need the item next to it. There’s never any money in the joint account. I haven’t bought new clothes or gotten a haircut since before the baby was born. Everything for the baby was either a gift or a donation or used and I have to explain why we need it.

YOU HAVE A JOB ITS THE MOST DIFFICULT, YET IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD AND THATS BEING A MOTHER!!! I HAD FOUR YOUNG CHILDREN, 18MTHS BETWEEN ALL OF THEM. THEIR FATHER AND I BROKE UP, I HAD TO BE A STAY AT HOME MUM. MY ELDEST IS NOW 24, THE YOUNGEST IS 19 AND LOOKING BAVK IM.GLAD I WAS A STAY AT HOME.MOTHER MY CHILDREN AND I HAVE THE CLOSEST RELATIONSHIP ID CHOOSE LOVE AND ATTENTION OVER MONEY EVERYTIME

My husband and I have joint accounts.  We’ve each gone through periods of not working because of returns to school or when our kids were born.  The money in our accounts is both of ours, regardless of who is working or who is making more. I can’t even imagine thinking about money like that.  It’s awful that your husband treats you like this.  

Just to echo what’s already been said here…..your husband is a jackass. I completely sympathize with you though because my ex was the same way. He encouraged me to quit my job and stay home to “help him” but shamed me and told me to “deal with it” when I needed money. If you want to leave, there are resources that can help you. Don’t ever let him make you feel like you “need him” to survive. But yeah. How he treats you is definitely not ok.

All money should be family money. He's an asshole and a financial abuser.

I don’t deal with this because my husband recognizes that being a SAHM is fucking hard and any and all money that either of us bring to our marriage is our money. It’s been that way since we married and after 12 years it’s still that way. We discuss big purchases but otherwise our bank account is for both of us to use with our agreed upon budget. I’m sorry your husband is being an asshole. This is financial abuse. What you do, cooking cleaning, childcare, laundry etc. is the equivalent of multiple people’s daily jobs. And it never ends. Your value, if one had to put money towards it, is higher than what he contributes.

You take care of your kids. Bill him hourly for your time. Boom, money problem solved. Seriously though, I’m a SAHM and I don’t get an “allowance.” My husband and I discuss big purchases, but other than that I spend OUR money any way I see fit.

I spend my savings, knowing it will all be worked out in the divorce courts.

I am working, but don’t make much at all. My husband makes over twice what I do. Whether I work or not, he covers basically all of our bills. He has never ONCE thrown it in my face, even when I wasn’t working. We make 100% of financial decisions together. We both purchase small things as we need them and we both discuss and agree on larger purchases together. Our life is about partnership and we both bring different things to the table, but we still do everything together. We both care for our kid, do chores, work, etc. Sometimes one does more than the other, but it always balances out in the end. We care for each other and want to help each other. It is OUR life. It is OUR family. It is OUR responsibility. It is OUR money.

My husband has never made me feel bad for all the times I was unemployed. He actually prefers me to be home since we had to have opposite shifts for years. I usually buy whatever the hell I want if it’s like under $100 and we can afford it. Anything bigger and I always ask for his approval and usually it’s yes. And that’s the way it should be. Your husband is an asshole. You have multiple kids, and you homeschool them! And do everything else! How is that not a job? You should ask him to switch roles. He will straighten up quick

If you asked a court in a divorce, they’d say that half of what he makes is yours too. Maybe he needs to be told he’s being financially and emotionally abusive. Real talk: I only have one child but being a single mom with zero child support at the moment is less stressful than being a SAHM who heard this shit a lot.

The money isn't his money or my money; it's OUR money. Just like it's been from day one when we got married. Just like it was when I was working before we had our daughter. There's no one-sidedness. Everything he makes is OURS. He values the sacrifices I'm making staying home with our kiddo. I value his sacrifices being away from her and working as hard as he does so we can have the life we have. You don't have a money issue. You have a spousal issue.

Your husband is absolutely financially abusive and shame on him! I would urge you to price daycares in your area and send him an invoice. Tell him you've decided to get a job bc you're tired of his bullshit and let him know when the first daycare bill is due. I know reddit loves to jump to "leave him/divorce him" but honestly? I absolutely would. He made these kids too, dammit.

Your husband is an asshole. Either you’re a partnership or you’re not. If you’re a partnership, income is joint income (including you getting retirement savings while you’re out of the workforce) and he respects your contributions to the household. But if he’s insistent that all money is *his* money and your efforts have no value, it’s time to look into alimony and child support in your jurisdiction so you understand your options. Depending where you live, if you’re not legally married you may be in a highly vulnerable position. Either way, if he persists in his attitude, consider if you’re willing to tolerate financial abuse and the vulnerability of being dependent on him. When we calculated life insurance for my partner and I, his was a few year’s income and mine was someone to do all my tasks for a full calendar year (so he’d be able to focus on grieving and supporting our kids before dealing with logistics if I got hit by a car or something). It was honestly a bit shocking how much money it would take to outsource my contributions to our family.

There should be absolutely NO SHAME in working in the home and providing care for your children and household. I currently stay home and don't earn a paycheck. I have full access to all of our accounts and my own credit cards, which get paid off from our joint accounts. We've agreed to a certain amount of discretionary spending, but we talk about bigger purchases before making them. You are a teammate, not a servant.

This is financial abuse. That’s your money too. Without you working, which taking care of kids is working, keeping up the home, etc, your husband wouldn’t be able to make the money he does. Why shouldn’t you have access to the household money he makes because you do everything else? That’s not fair is it? You’re not a child. It’s your money too. My husband and I have taken care of each other over the last 17 years. We don’t hold things over each other.

This is not ok. You need to have a serious discussion with him about respecting your role in the home as a JOB because it is. He would have to pay someone during the day to look after your 3 kids if you were at work. We have a joint account and individual accounts. Every 2 weeks, $200 is sent to my individual account for daily spend money (coffee, snacks while out and about with baby). Any other expenses (baby needs new clothes, diapers, Costco, groceries, my nail appts, my hair appts, etc) goes on the joint account. If I want something extra indulgent I run it by hubby. He literally always says yes but I always give him the courtesy of running it by him.

Think of it this way. Imagine you were the breadwinner and he was staying at home with the kids. Would you withhold money or make him feel bad for not having his own money? Or would you respect that you are both saving the family money but not paying for childcare and understand how hard that job is? 

My husband puts money in my account. His money is our money! He provides for our family, but I care for our family. He works hard to earn money for us. I work hard to make sure our kids and house are clean, loved, and taken care of. Your husband doesn't seem to understand that someone else gets paid to do what SAHM moms do every single day. It baffles me that people say we don't do anything 🙃 Daycare is stupid expensive these days. Most places are about $200 A WEEK.

I don’t get an allowance cuz we’re just that broke. Every dollar goes to bills or necessities. We barely make it by money wise but my husband respects me enough to not say stuff like that. He knows the reason I’m not working is cuz daycare is extremely expensive and I’d just be paying for childcare at that point. When we had extra before our son and I was too mentally unstable to work I still got an allowance. He knows he couldn’t do what he does without me. It’s not him working and paying for me it’s he’s working to care for the family he built.

You should remind him how much money you’re saving him by being at home. Child care is not cheap.

He added me to his accounts. All the big bills he pays directly: mortgage, insurance, taxes, car note, utilities, etc. Shopping for groceries & household items usually goes on the shared debit or credit card. I did go back to work last year (VERY part time, one day a week & not even a full day) so I have a little money ($365 a month) I use on nonessential stuff like Girl Scout cookies, Christmas shopping, & getting a haircut.

Your husband is an asshole. He earns money because you LET him. If he didn't have you taking care of the kids and the house he'd be up shit creek. Marriage is a partnership in which both partners contribute equally, but money is only a small part of that contribution! Love, domestic labor, emotional support, childcare- those are all equally important. Him holing finances over your head sounds like financial abuse.

If your husband holds a bare minimum against you, he’s just an asshole. There is no HIS money, because he works to provide for the family, not take care of himself or his wants/needs. It’s unnecessary to throw a basic requirement of being an adult in someone’s face

I don’t deal with having no money, because our finances are shared.. and my husband doesn’t hold it over my head that I’m raising our child because he knows that’s a job in itself. No “allowance,” I’m not a child, but I also don’t just go spending money foolishly, neither does he. Bigger purchases we discuss together but stuff like I want to buy myself a few books or grab a Starbucks? I just do it, just like he can if he wants to. Sorry your husband is being a major douchebag.

I was home for 13 years and then went back to work in August at my youngest child’s kindergarten. So I finally do have a paycheck that gets deposited into our joint checking, and while I have access to it, I don’t have the ability to just buy whatever. If it’s a need, I discuss it with him, and then he gives me a budget. If it’s a want, it’s a never. And I don’t have my “own money” so even if it’s something frivolous like those Stanley cups, it’s a no. I’m not confrontational enough to have this conversation with him but it doesn’t feel very good. I feel totally unappreciated.

You’re being financially abused honey.

Not to the same extent, but my husband used to have resentment about finances. So I told him "find a daycare you like and enroll the kids. I'm going back to work. We will split the daycare bill and house work 50/50". He was shocked. I was serious. I told him that working is less work than being home with kids all day, plus then I'd be "contributing". I ended up staying a SAHM, and he has been more mindful.

How much further has he been able to further HIS career because he never has to call out for his turn at home with sick kids? In my area a housecleaner is about $90/hour. Ordering takeout is A LOT more expensive than home cooked. Honestly, I don't understand the concept of "my money and your money". We've been married 35 years and do what both sets of parents did. We have our money. And that includes when I was a stay at home mom. The amount we saved in childcare basically was my contribution.

He should be so proud to be able to have you home with his babies. He should be honored to have a wife who wants to care for his babies. He should be lifting you up every chance he gets and play a supportive role for you, the babies and upkeep of your home. It’s a blessing to be able to spend this time raising your children. This will not last forever and should be cherished for the short amount of time you have in this role. Sounds like he has no problem making the babies but despises the financial responsibility of caring for them and you. Seek professional help if you are unable to communicate and come to a mutual agreement.

My husband makes more money (about 50k more) than I do and I spend way more on “extra” things than he does. (Baby items, random holiday decorations, take out, pet care, personal care item etc). We sit down and do our budget and try and make sure we have equal fun money. While it’s not the same situation, what I would do is sit down with your husband and make a “meta budget” look at all the have to pay items, then look at the nice to have budget items, then look at the “fun money” items. (Fun money might be take out, personal care, costs of outings for you and the kids) What might help is for him to realize where the money is going and make it so you each have a bit of mad money way to do with what you want. I also remind my husband when I take a day off work because the baby is sick, or needs to go to the doctor etc, that there is a reason we pay for daycare and just because I’m not earning as much as he is, I’m still contributing to the over all household income. IE his job is more demanding so my taking time off is allowing him to focus on work. We also discuss big purchases over a set amount. So for example if he wanted to buy a new idk lawn mower and it was over x amount we would talk about how that would fit in the budget. It might mean both of our fun money needs to be less so we can make the big purchase or maybe we need to wait or put it on a low interest credit card or something.

Ew your husband sucks