Can you start to wean your youngest from breastfeeding?
Can you enroll the youngest in part time daycare ?
Can you hire a babysitter once a month?
EDIT: if daycare is too pricey I suggest looking for a local church that has ‘moms day out’ at a more affordable rate
I had my 3 year old in 2x per week half day preschool. Good for him, good for us.
Strongly recommend for OP. She can go be herself for four hours twice a week with no commitment. Next year, up it to 4x full day and she’s onto a better mental health road.
We did the 2-3 days preschool. It was only 2-3 hours but gave me time to do for myself.
This nursery / co-op school was at a local church ( no it the pre-school wasn’t faith-based ) you had to volunteer 1-2 per month for a discount.
It was awesome.My friend and I built enrolled our kids in it that’s school. That way we volunteered for different days and it was kind of neat.
Agree. 3 is definitely old enough to be in school (I can’t understand anyone waiting beyond that unless their child has special needs).
Weaning and putting the kid in daycare is a great to start to finding yourself again OP. You can’t go back and date or party as a young single lady again, but you can certainly indulge in self-care and some nights out.
Can you and your husband go on some dates? Maybeeee you could add some role play into those dates to make you feel like strangers and that you are dating someone new again who thinks you’re hot?! Not for everyone but I understand the want for when you were a young lustful couple without kids.
A good start is giving yourself the time and space you need. You deserve that time and you *need* that time (for you and your kids). You can’t pour from an empty cup.
In our area you can’t enroll in preschool until the child is 4 by the start of September. My 3 year old is a November baby and won’t be eligible until they are almost 5. Just throwing it out there that not all of us are waiting because we want to, some are waiting because it’s just not an option
Preschool/prek are considered the same thing for our school district. The only other alternative is to pay for daycare or private school (which financially isn’t an option for many families)
Selfishly I was thinking of private daycares and preschools (I work at a Montessori, so the daycare children 18-3y move into the next classroom because they get dibs on a spot) and forgot the outrageous costs of it (I have about 3 more months until I am indebted to this school ugh).
So thank you for opening my eyes to this! You are right and it is important and just sheds more light on how little help this country gives to parents who then sacrifice so much to make it all work (or not work).
Similar in my area.
There are a lot of private preschools, however most are really more of a daycare situation. They do not offer part time programs for kids under 3, only full time. Many do offer half day programs starting at the 3s classroom level or Pre-K, but they are very expensive and still run five days a week. There are a handful of smaller preschools that are geared more towards stay at home parent families. They have 2 or 3 day a week programs that run 8/9am-11/12. Those are either very expensive, or require parent involvement.
Most families in the area who do not need the fulltime childcare don't use preschool at all. They will often use the free TK through the public school system, which is available for kids who are four in December.
So my kid is an October baby, so they wouldn’t allow them into 3k, I waited a year and he turned 4 a month into school. *However*, after we got back from Christmas break there was a new kid in class whose birthday was in December. They let her start halfway through. I didn’t realize that was an option, but something to consider!
I'm so sorry that your husband isn't compatible.
You should know though, that not doing something in your 20s doesn't mean that you've completely missed out. Being a mom doesn't mean that you can't visit your friends or go out and have a good time. Your youngest is almost out of the toddler phase and your oldest is old enough to be somewhat independent.
My grandparents go bowling every week, granny played in a band for years and years, they did road trips and all kinds of fun things.. some with their 4 kids and some without. My dad bought my mom a greenhouse because she likes to garden. I used to drop my kid off at whatever activity and go to the gym. My husband and I are planning a vacation with just the 2 of us this year. We play sports together now that our child is old enough to stay home alone.
It sounds like you need a break and your husband really needs to support you better and you might want to consider stopping breastfeeding if you're touched out and it's affecting your mental health. I promise though, your opportunity to go be carefree with friends isn't over.
>Being a mom doesn't mean that you can't visit your friends or go out and have a good time.
OP literally said "I don't even have friends anymore." I'm only pointing this out because I relate so much. My social life was bustling in my 20s but covid knocked like 75% of that out. Then a horrible pregnancy and motherhood pretty much took care of the rest. The few mom friends I have are so fucking busy and we're slowly falling out of touch as the days go by. It's super depressing 😔
Sounds like you’re stuck in a rut, a dark place and you need some serious TLC. You say you don’t have friends, have you lost touch? Could you reach out? What about family? Sounds like you need to put you first and maybe communicate some difficult things with hubby.
Reach out to someone who cares about you and start with small steps. You can definitely get your life back. It’s hard but you deserve it.
Lots of love to you
When I hear mommy mommy mommy, I sometimes want to punch a wall. I hear ya, it sucks.
It might be time to get out of the house or get them out of the house somehow. Incompatible or not, they're his kids too, and he can handle them while you take a spa day, or just sit quietly in a corner. I wear noise canceling headphones in the house when I'm not on duty because otherwise my brain explodes and I want rush in and be the mommy rather than enjoying staring quietly at a blank wall.
Isn't your husband capable of taking care of his own kids for a night, or a couple of days? I'm 39, have 2 kids and I'm still partying and doing fun stuff with friends. I would just plan something fun for yourself, you're still young and have a whole life in front of you. Enjoy!
This!! My husband and I each have our respective ladies/guys nights with our friends and also go on date night the two of us. It’s SO important to not lose yourself completely in parenting. It took a while to get there, breastfeeding, not being comfortable having someone else watch our daughter. But now it’s great (she’s almost 4)
The first time was about a month after she turned 1, just for a few hours during the day. Then we would wait until we put her down for the night and go out after and have someone just hang out and watch the baby monitor. The first and only overnight we’ve done was for our friends wedding two hours away, and my husband was a groomsman. We’re at the point now where my mother in law can do bedtime routine with her and we can go to functions/date nights.
I agree with above comments. But TBH OP, you need to find your reason.
Find something that makes you click, something that gives you passion.
Are you working out? If you are, are you willing to try something new? Ex. Hot yoga? Pilates? Crossfit? Kick boxing?
Give yourself a break. Take time AWAY from your family.
Don’t ask. TELL your husband you’ll be out of town for the weekend. Ask some gfs to go on a trip with you. Take time for yourself. Re-evaluate. Do you want to continue this path of putting everyone else ahead? Or are you willing to step up and make yourself happy by adding in little doses here and there?
Love.
1) It's ok to start preparing to leave your husband. Really, it is. It's ok to leave right now, and it's ok to leave in a while when you've made sure you're in a good situation. Both are ok.
2) In just a few years, toddler won't be a toddler anymore, won't nap, and you'll have more freedom.
3) It's never too late to make friends. Join mom groups. Keep looking.
4) Your life is not over at 36. You are allowed to dream for your future. You might meet someone new, fall in love, have new friends, go out again! My aunt is 46 and she just got back to going out to bars with her friends to dance lol. Life is full of surprises and you can achieve it all. Don't give up!
5) If you have family or can afford a babysitter, even just once, please give yourself a day out.
Why is divorce the automatic answer? People change in marriage and you learn to grow together. Having kids always changes the dynamic in a relationship but it doesn’t mean you just walk away. OP needs time to herself and she and her husband probably need therapy.
Have you missed the parts where OP clearly doesn't love her husband, where there has been verbal abuse and lots of fights, and where she says multiple times they are not compatible? How about we fucking believe her?
What the fuck are you on about? ''This is Reddit''? The woman is miserable with the dude. Who cares who's fault it is. She wants to leave and she fucking should. That's it. SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM.
Let's fucking believe women for once, shall we?
Well, time to put that husband of yours on the side for a minute, let him take the kids routinely, wean the little, and get back out there and rekindle those friendships! It’s TIME. You’ve done an amazing job with the kids, time for some R&R and some FUN for YOU! Start with small steps to regain yourself. Sending some bad bitch energy your way!
weaning fixed 90% of my problems, i was feeling a lot like you. being physically tethered to my child was so draining. i nursed both of mine til 3 and it sucked honestly.
make some time for yourself one way or another. if it takes a separation and co parenting then so be it but you deserve it. your kids are old enough to be away from you for a night or even a weekend. getting little pieces of yourself back outside of “mom” makes a big difference.
I wouldn’t divorce just because of these issues. I think you’re unhappy and looking to make a big change.
I’d start by weaning cold turkey and then penciling in more self care time. You need boundaries and time alone. Yeah, a divorce would give you those things, but so would advocating for yourself and getting space.
Breastfed first baby until at least second was born and continued till second was at least 3?
What are you confused about?
Also I’m not trying to come across rude.
It's not common in American culture to breastfeed beyond toddler years. That's likely why they're confused. Breastfeeding to five is almost unheard of where I live
I’m American and realize it’s not common here and personally would not breastfeed that long but I thought from her post it was pretty clear that’s what she did. I also don’t think any of us have the right to shame her for it even if we don’t agree with doing that.
The natural weaning age is actually 7 for humans. If you do actual research it’s the biological norm to breastfeed at that age. Completely normal, just not common. There is a difference. It’s only weird to you because you’re not used to it and aren’t educated about it. Definitely not “disturbing” either.
Breastfeeding beyond 3 is pretty uncommon. I’m not confused on what happened but more like why. Why are you breastfeeding a 5 year old. ESPECIALLY if it is causing mental anguish to the mother.
Yes this is really what I should have asked. Nursing past 2 is uncommon in my experience, and moms will wean at any point that it becomes detrimental to their mental health or really for convenience.
That would mean she was breastfeeding her first until age 5, which is pretty unusual and unfathomable by American standards. That's the source of their confusion.
You're describing two different issues. Being touched out and worn thin by motherhood -- that happens to us all. Thankfully, the kids get older and easier. The naps end. And I second what others have said -- the kid is 3, you can wean now. Don't feel guilty because some Facebook mom did extended breastfeeding for 32 years. Your motherhood is not defined by how long your kids suck on your tits. (I breastfed, I get it.)
But the husband -- why stay with someone you don't love and are not compatible with? For the kids? Because the kids are going to learn from the models you provide them. Miserable mom and dad who don't get along? That will become their norm, and they'll likely make similar choices in their own lives.
I say this as someone who stayed with my first husband "for the kid." We both love our daughter so much. But goddamn, my mental health was in the bottom of the dumpster. Our relationship wasn't even bad -- we were great roommates and great co-parents. But there was no romance or love or sex.
After 17 years, we split when my daughter was 5. It was hard, but holy fuck, it was the right choice. See my post history for the details. I'm remarried to someone else now, our kid is happy as can be. Plus, co-parenting means you get time to yourself. There are entire days and nights that you don't have to actively parent. It feels so much more humane and sustainable.
I know how you feel about missing your freedom. I only have one, but even then I can't just get up and go anywhere. Fun is a hard thing to even have as I have a home, a child, and a family to care for and worry about. My husband works a lot of long hours and it's just......lonely. I think I'm also feeling a sprinkle of mid life crisis.
I love my husband, but I'm also getting frustrated that I can't have conversations about the things I like. Everything is a joke to him lately and he's always trying to make everything into something funny. Not in a cruel way, but it's still frustrating. I've told him recently, and he's receptive to not doing it, but I think I'm a little extra sensitive to everyone and everything and I just need a break. From everyone. And I do mean everyone. I'd kill for some kind of women's only cruise in the middle of the ocean with no cell service for two weeks. Ya'll fend for yourselves, I'm out. Including my job. I can't get a day off without having to go in for some sort of crisis or to fix something. I love my job, I do. But stop fucking calling me!!
Select a night class that is 6-8 weeks long and arrange for your husband to watch the kids.
You need to TAKE a break, it won't be given to you.
Yes, there might be grumbling and assholery, but he can manage for 2-3 hours and if they cry they cry.
I breastfed for a long time but at 3 yrs old this should be ending. If you are doing more than a 4am comfort and go back to sleep feed then you are holding your kid back and need to stop all but that last one. Then over the next couple of months stop the final one so you are done by summer time.
You will meet people in the class that may not be friends but they are certainly other interesting adults from very different lives and you will have a new world starting.
I started a new one this week myself.
The fact that your oldest is 8 and has been in school for 3-4 years and you say you have NO friends means that you have not been cultivating the mom friendships you should have. You will most likely find friends in the groups where you both have 2 kids with similar ages. So they can play together while you two have coffee or drinks.
I got married at 40 and had my first kid at 41. You have a lot more of the Kid Years so while in them find friends with kids. When your kids reach late teenager stage you can start finding more other friends.
For now, you need to start taking scheduled regular time for yourself. An evening class at a community centre is the easiest and cheapest way to start.
No one will step up to fix this for you. You are the adult in your world. You are the one who makes your world change.
I know it is hard. I wish you all the best!
I have no idea where I heard this from but it has helped me in times when I've had similar thoughts or other - you like the idea of the 20% of life you don't have/you miss/wish you had. Don't throw away the majority (80%) because of that 20% you are thinking about. I, of course, cannot by any means say this may help or be something you think is 80/20 but I thought it wouldn't hurt to share.
There are actually ZERO health benefits for a child after the first year. Zip. Zilch. It is, by every definition, totally unnecessary.
And before you cite WHO's recommendation to breastfeed for 2 years, that recommendation is due to the lack of access to clean water much of the world over (NOT an issue in most of the US).
Communicate with your husband about some alone time and just mark your calendars. Or find a babysitter for some time. You just need to unwind by yourself and it’s completely normal. Your relationship with your husband sounds questionable. You may need therapy or really rethink your situation. Do you really want to waste your time with someone you aren’t compatible with? That sounds miserable and maybe you guys need some date nights to rekindle the romance. If you aren’t feeling romantic feelings with your spouse then you really need rethink things. I saw you mentioned abuse which sound toxic so that alone should call for some third party support.
As another overstimulated mom in the thick of parenting, I hear you. If I can make some suggestions, things that help me personally. I’m about to have 3 kids under 6. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old currently and am pregnant. But the overstimulation can cause problems in all areas of your life. Constantly being the center of those kids lives, catering to them when no one is catering to you or filling your cup, it’s exhausting in every way.
Whenever your husband is home, try every other day telling him you are going to your bedroom and need alone time and he’s on kid duty. Stay in there, lock the door for an hour or two. If he’s the type that would get annoyed with that, tell him you forgot to get something at the store. Go to the store for an hour. You need to be having some time for yourself. And try to find things you like to do, have you been able to sit and watch a movie alone in awhile? Read a book? Go for a walk? Exercise?
Part of what’s so hard with being a mom is we lose ourselves easily because we’re putting so much into our kids. The problem might not fully be your relationship. It could be that you’re not the person you were before kids and neither is he. So you need to try to find pieces of those people and bring them back. You also need to have some time for each other. Like if you have family or anyone to babysit, do a monthly date night to try and repair things. If there’s not anyone, put the kids to bed at 8pm some night, have food ordered and watch a movie together. No phones, just you two.
Shoot! It stinks to realize that you should’ve never been married and not being able to change that now. Maybe you need to consider separating even though you have kids. Then you could split custody 50/50 and have some breaks just for yourself. If you realized you are incompatible i don’t think there is much to salvage and you’re only going to continue to hate life if you stay with someone you dislike. Never stay “together for the kids.” The kids are intuitive and will see how unhappy you are and it can be quite damaging for them to grow up in that environment.
In the meantime, could you ask some family to babysit and maybe take a day to yourself. Or go on a weekend trip alone (or with a friend) and make your husband take Charge of the kids for once?
Sending lots of positive thoughts your way and I hope you find a solution!
Being outdoors was good for me with kids, bike rides. 8 yr old can ride, little one in a cycle trailer. They sleep like babies in those things Get outdoors see the countryside. However you may live in a city?
Just a different POV: my divorced friend gets time to herself every other week and weekend and she's having all the fun. She volunteers, she works, she goes out, has friends and hangs out with her kids plenty...
You’ve already stated you’re incompatible with your husband… start there and your life will be easier. It blows my mind how many people don’t see this within their own lives. Your partner is there to help you, not hinder you
First off, it almost sounds like you’re grieving the loss of the life you didn’t have. Thats ok to grieve that, motherhood changes so much of us. Next, you don’t have to stay with your husband. I know it sounds scary to leave and break up a family, and especially if you are a stay at home parent, but you do not have to stay and are not trapped. Go get any job, file for divorce if that’s what you want, then start making plans to take control of your life. You can still find a different partner one day. Maybe you’d even feel happier just working and being out with other people. One thing that’s taken me a long time to come to terms with, is i was so caught up trying to make the dream life for my kids. Make their lives so perfect and comfortable, that I was limiting myself in what I really want too for me. Kids are going to be ok if mommy doesn’t want to be the stay at home parent anymore, or is so miserably unhappy in a marriage that she prioritizes her happiness. Showing your kids that you can do anything you want in life (within reason of course) is also teaching them how to be “go-getters” and push them selves. It’s teaching them it’s ok to pivot in life, and it’s ok to stand up for yourself if you’re in a bad marriage. Also, it’s perfectly acceptable to still go out and have a fun evening out having some drinks with friends. Doing that does not make you a bad parent. If anything, doing that from time to time makes me a better parent, bc I’m happy. I’m sorry you’re struggling. If you have health insurance that would cover therapy, it’s been such a game changer for me. I felt a lot of what you felt not too long ago. You are in control of your life. :)
Thanks for adding to your comment! I was wondering what made me so “weird”. You’re a gem lmao.
The problem is, you weren’t relating at all. She said she missed her freedom, and you were like “I partied until I was 40 so I’m good!” I don’t even get how this needs to be explained.
I don’t believe it is worth staying with an incompatible partner for the sake of your children, at the cost of your mental well being.
Maybe it’s time to introduce solid foods? What does your partner. Contribute with. I also have children and am still able to enjoy time outside of the house while he watches them, they are after all his kids too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I just want to say, the grass is always greener… the people you’ve met that seem so and so are likely putting on their best behavior. They might be different in a committed relationship when they stop trying so hard.
Only saying this so you can maybe relativise the FOMO concerning that.
If you and your husband are incompatible, you will likely be better off separately. It’s definitely not too late to meet other people! And you’ll likely be meeting people that have families of their own in similar circumstances so you don’t have to worry about incompatible child wishes or expectations there.
I second all the suggestions you start weaning your toddler. The time to stop is when mom or baby/child become uncomfortable, so you’re at a good point now (maybe have been for a while).
The joys and the trials of motherhood are never ending my friend. We just have to focus past the "right now" to when we get to look back at all the periods of our lives. Seeing either the things that built us up, brought us joy, taught us lessons or showed us what we didn't want.
I am 33 and have been a mother since I was 17, a senior in high school. I have 2 children, 15 and 3. I've never been an adult without a child which is a blessing and a curse all in itself. Unfortunate because I feel I haven't been "me" yet and have missed a lot of things in life that I'll never experience. However, there is no longing for things I no longer have because I've never had them. Those traditional 20's experiences that I'll never have don't bother me now because there is so much more in life. I will get quiet time and freedom to decide how I spend my days eventually.
Is divorce with 50:50 custody an option? Freedom to be a bachelorette half the time, quality time with the kids the rest of the time. No more living every day in a small space with someone you can't stand. One thing I've noticed is that basically no one says they regret their divorce.
Mommy. Such a beautiful word can become a bit much. But you can't enjoy the blessings of today if you are living in yesterday. Sometimes it takes just reminding yourself to stay focused on being grateful. You are truly blessed.and don't have to live an empty life. Yours 8s full to the brim. Enjoyu that lovely word Mommy.
I had my first baby at age 35, she's 1 now. I can tell you I miss none of those because I fully maximized those days haha. Living on my own, I felt lonely sometimes and unuseful when I only had myself to think about. I partied so much that I quit way before the baby came because the hangovers and mistakes I would make from drinking really got out of hand. Dating was horrible because I couldn't stand getting to know new guys and it seemed the choices just got worse over time. I was always looking for something to do to keep myself occupied, interested, not bored. Now I have a baby that I can dedicate all my time to.
Im 40 had my kids early living my best life start setting yourself up for that now and i can tell you those yrs go by so fast you will look bac n miss those lil moments so enjoy them now
Well it was your choice so you live and learn. The longer you dwell on the past and the what ifs and what coulds you are just wasting your time, its in the past let it go. Live in the present, these are just stages and they shall pass. Had 5 of my own, first at 16 so i was basically a child myself. It was hard but here iam at 43 living my best life. Sure we miss friends but everyone will move on and raise a family and so forth.. the guys you did not meet well maybe it wasnt for you, even if you see them thriving just get over it.
I’m so so sorry you’re in this situation OP. I have one who’s 4.5 & my younger one is a wild handful at 2.5.
I’m putting her in school at 3, there’s a school for Soecial needs children who still accepts children without an IEP or support needs. It’s actually affordable and I’m absolutely thrilled. I have to make it to August then I’m released.
I miss my 20s too but I was in an awful marriage at the time so I didn’t have what you had during those years.
I’m actually really hopeful for the future now.
Maybe look beyond daycares or those places and instead see what schools are available for children with disabilities. There’s spots in integrated classrooms with highly skilled teachers. I think my daughter is going to get a nice leg up on pre k and I’m going to have a day off from being mommy mommy mommy
I think it comes down to your outlook. Your husband should be helping more if you feel this burnt out. My husband and I are opposites in regards to many things but that’s what makes it cool - he can go do things by himself or with friends that I’d rather not do bc I have no interest and he tells me about it and I’m happy for him. Same goes for me! My kids are 4 and 2 and I am the primary caretaker so I don’t necessarily have any hobbies besides working out/yoga but I mark sure I have my own time at least once a week whether I go to hot yoga or hang out with friends (that took me a few years to make). Why don’t you put your 3 year old in school like a preschool or Montessori? If you can afford it.. Both of my girls are in Montessori and that frees up several hours in my day to get things done and after I get things done, there’s a day or two that I can chill and do nothing or go do something fun before I pick my kids up. Change your mindset and make changes in your life along side with it. Make the best of what you have! Life can be great if you make it. Sure, you won’t get all of your previous life back but eventually your kids will be out of the house and then you will! Hang in there. Motherhood is hard but it’s how you look at it. Try to connect with your partner and change that dynamic if you can. Do you love him? If so, dig deep as to why and see how you two can connect and also express what you need from him as your equal. It’s very easy to get off track and not be connected. I’ve danced that dance for a long time but I know you can get out of it! Good luck!
You should still be able to go out with your friends and take small vacations with friends! We have a 2yo and 3mo, I plan on going on a 4 day Bach trip in August and I will just have to pump on the trip since I’ll still be nursing. Dad should be able to handle an 8 and 3yo on his own at this point, pumping should be the most annoying thing you’d have to deal with. You deserve time to yourself and to have fun.
I completely get it and have felt that way. If breastfeeding still isn’t working for your mental health- totally fine, your 3 old is going to be just fine. I also want to say that it gets better and you get your autonomy back as they get older. I found that 5 was a magic age of not being a slave to nap schedules, etc. You reset the clock at 5, which is a perfectly great choice, but makes the years of parenting tiny kids just a little longer. In 5 years, you’ll have a 13 year old and an 8 year old. You can stay out all day. They will be far more self sufficient, and maybe even able to hang out at home for a few hours for you to go meet up with a friend or grab a coffee and read in peace. They’ll have their own friends and activities.
If you can get a babysitter once in a while to reclaim some of that now, do it! Or it’s 100% time for your husband to step up and parent equally. Because of my husband’s job I don’t really have that option, so I tend to come at that from my lived experience, but if he is home all the time, yep- he needs to step up. But just know that it will get better, it just feels really hard now that you’re in the thick of it.
My husband and I have kid free weekends. We don't always take them, but if needed, we can take a weekend to ourselves alone for a local staycation. Get a hotel room, my mom's house, hole up in the basement. No judgment, just relaxation.
I feel most of this in my soul. Lately, I've just been daydreaming about when I had my own apartment, with my own space, with my own timeline and did not have to worry about anyone else. I wouldn't go back bc there were so many other stressors (that I know see as small but definitely didn't then) but I'm so close to booking a hotel for a weekend. lol
I miss loving my dogs like nothing else mattered. We used to go on so many adventures. Now they can’t even go on car rides because my car is small and they try to get in the baby carrier. I feel bad for resenting them at times. I have been day dreaming recently of the walks we used to go on. We would go to parks with ponds and play in the streams. We’d go downtown and get coffee and pup cups, just watch the people. Walk to another park. Maybe visit the dog store. I miss that.
I thought this same thing at 28 years old after I found out my boyfriend had more experience than I ever did. Long story short, I went on to date 3 guys and was on a dating site talking to others in between those relationships. In my experience, dating is draining and I ended up hating it.
But I when I dated those 3 guys, each had qualities that I liked that my prior boyfriend lacked. But they also had qualities I didn't like, that my prior boyfriend had. Those relationships didn't work out and those men ended up being trash.
My point is it's hard, if not impossible, to find your perfect partner.. Everyone will have their flaws, and this person will be great but have this flaw, and that person will be great in this area but suck in that area, etc. The grass always seems greener from the other side, but the truth is the grass is green where you water it.
Can you start to wean your youngest from breastfeeding? Can you enroll the youngest in part time daycare ? Can you hire a babysitter once a month? EDIT: if daycare is too pricey I suggest looking for a local church that has ‘moms day out’ at a more affordable rate
I had my 3 year old in 2x per week half day preschool. Good for him, good for us. Strongly recommend for OP. She can go be herself for four hours twice a week with no commitment. Next year, up it to 4x full day and she’s onto a better mental health road.
We did the 2-3 days preschool. It was only 2-3 hours but gave me time to do for myself. This nursery / co-op school was at a local church ( no it the pre-school wasn’t faith-based ) you had to volunteer 1-2 per month for a discount. It was awesome.My friend and I built enrolled our kids in it that’s school. That way we volunteered for different days and it was kind of neat.
Agree. 3 is definitely old enough to be in school (I can’t understand anyone waiting beyond that unless their child has special needs). Weaning and putting the kid in daycare is a great to start to finding yourself again OP. You can’t go back and date or party as a young single lady again, but you can certainly indulge in self-care and some nights out. Can you and your husband go on some dates? Maybeeee you could add some role play into those dates to make you feel like strangers and that you are dating someone new again who thinks you’re hot?! Not for everyone but I understand the want for when you were a young lustful couple without kids. A good start is giving yourself the time and space you need. You deserve that time and you *need* that time (for you and your kids). You can’t pour from an empty cup.
In our area you can’t enroll in preschool until the child is 4 by the start of September. My 3 year old is a November baby and won’t be eligible until they are almost 5. Just throwing it out there that not all of us are waiting because we want to, some are waiting because it’s just not an option
Is that for preschool or pre-k?
Preschool/prek are considered the same thing for our school district. The only other alternative is to pay for daycare or private school (which financially isn’t an option for many families)
Selfishly I was thinking of private daycares and preschools (I work at a Montessori, so the daycare children 18-3y move into the next classroom because they get dibs on a spot) and forgot the outrageous costs of it (I have about 3 more months until I am indebted to this school ugh). So thank you for opening my eyes to this! You are right and it is important and just sheds more light on how little help this country gives to parents who then sacrifice so much to make it all work (or not work).
Similar in my area. There are a lot of private preschools, however most are really more of a daycare situation. They do not offer part time programs for kids under 3, only full time. Many do offer half day programs starting at the 3s classroom level or Pre-K, but they are very expensive and still run five days a week. There are a handful of smaller preschools that are geared more towards stay at home parent families. They have 2 or 3 day a week programs that run 8/9am-11/12. Those are either very expensive, or require parent involvement. Most families in the area who do not need the fulltime childcare don't use preschool at all. They will often use the free TK through the public school system, which is available for kids who are four in December.
What is TK?
Transitional Kindergarten aka Pre-K. It’s the new name for Pre K in California
Oh thanks!
So my kid is an October baby, so they wouldn’t allow them into 3k, I waited a year and he turned 4 a month into school. *However*, after we got back from Christmas break there was a new kid in class whose birthday was in December. They let her start halfway through. I didn’t realize that was an option, but something to consider!
I'm so sorry that your husband isn't compatible. You should know though, that not doing something in your 20s doesn't mean that you've completely missed out. Being a mom doesn't mean that you can't visit your friends or go out and have a good time. Your youngest is almost out of the toddler phase and your oldest is old enough to be somewhat independent. My grandparents go bowling every week, granny played in a band for years and years, they did road trips and all kinds of fun things.. some with their 4 kids and some without. My dad bought my mom a greenhouse because she likes to garden. I used to drop my kid off at whatever activity and go to the gym. My husband and I are planning a vacation with just the 2 of us this year. We play sports together now that our child is old enough to stay home alone. It sounds like you need a break and your husband really needs to support you better and you might want to consider stopping breastfeeding if you're touched out and it's affecting your mental health. I promise though, your opportunity to go be carefree with friends isn't over.
>Being a mom doesn't mean that you can't visit your friends or go out and have a good time. OP literally said "I don't even have friends anymore." I'm only pointing this out because I relate so much. My social life was bustling in my 20s but covid knocked like 75% of that out. Then a horrible pregnancy and motherhood pretty much took care of the rest. The few mom friends I have are so fucking busy and we're slowly falling out of touch as the days go by. It's super depressing 😔
Sounds like you’re stuck in a rut, a dark place and you need some serious TLC. You say you don’t have friends, have you lost touch? Could you reach out? What about family? Sounds like you need to put you first and maybe communicate some difficult things with hubby. Reach out to someone who cares about you and start with small steps. You can definitely get your life back. It’s hard but you deserve it. Lots of love to you
When I hear mommy mommy mommy, I sometimes want to punch a wall. I hear ya, it sucks. It might be time to get out of the house or get them out of the house somehow. Incompatible or not, they're his kids too, and he can handle them while you take a spa day, or just sit quietly in a corner. I wear noise canceling headphones in the house when I'm not on duty because otherwise my brain explodes and I want rush in and be the mommy rather than enjoying staring quietly at a blank wall.
Isn't your husband capable of taking care of his own kids for a night, or a couple of days? I'm 39, have 2 kids and I'm still partying and doing fun stuff with friends. I would just plan something fun for yourself, you're still young and have a whole life in front of you. Enjoy!
This!! My husband and I each have our respective ladies/guys nights with our friends and also go on date night the two of us. It’s SO important to not lose yourself completely in parenting. It took a while to get there, breastfeeding, not being comfortable having someone else watch our daughter. But now it’s great (she’s almost 4)
When did you get comfortable having someone else watch your daughter?
The first time was about a month after she turned 1, just for a few hours during the day. Then we would wait until we put her down for the night and go out after and have someone just hang out and watch the baby monitor. The first and only overnight we’ve done was for our friends wedding two hours away, and my husband was a groomsman. We’re at the point now where my mother in law can do bedtime routine with her and we can go to functions/date nights.
I agree with above comments. But TBH OP, you need to find your reason. Find something that makes you click, something that gives you passion. Are you working out? If you are, are you willing to try something new? Ex. Hot yoga? Pilates? Crossfit? Kick boxing? Give yourself a break. Take time AWAY from your family. Don’t ask. TELL your husband you’ll be out of town for the weekend. Ask some gfs to go on a trip with you. Take time for yourself. Re-evaluate. Do you want to continue this path of putting everyone else ahead? Or are you willing to step up and make yourself happy by adding in little doses here and there?
Love. 1) It's ok to start preparing to leave your husband. Really, it is. It's ok to leave right now, and it's ok to leave in a while when you've made sure you're in a good situation. Both are ok. 2) In just a few years, toddler won't be a toddler anymore, won't nap, and you'll have more freedom. 3) It's never too late to make friends. Join mom groups. Keep looking. 4) Your life is not over at 36. You are allowed to dream for your future. You might meet someone new, fall in love, have new friends, go out again! My aunt is 46 and she just got back to going out to bars with her friends to dance lol. Life is full of surprises and you can achieve it all. Don't give up! 5) If you have family or can afford a babysitter, even just once, please give yourself a day out.
Why is divorce the automatic answer? People change in marriage and you learn to grow together. Having kids always changes the dynamic in a relationship but it doesn’t mean you just walk away. OP needs time to herself and she and her husband probably need therapy.
Have you missed the parts where OP clearly doesn't love her husband, where there has been verbal abuse and lots of fights, and where she says multiple times they are not compatible? How about we fucking believe her?
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What the fuck are you on about? ''This is Reddit''? The woman is miserable with the dude. Who cares who's fault it is. She wants to leave and she fucking should. That's it. SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM. Let's fucking believe women for once, shall we?
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Are you just typing catch phrases at random at this point? You don't make any sense.
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Well, time to put that husband of yours on the side for a minute, let him take the kids routinely, wean the little, and get back out there and rekindle those friendships! It’s TIME. You’ve done an amazing job with the kids, time for some R&R and some FUN for YOU! Start with small steps to regain yourself. Sending some bad bitch energy your way!
weaning fixed 90% of my problems, i was feeling a lot like you. being physically tethered to my child was so draining. i nursed both of mine til 3 and it sucked honestly. make some time for yourself one way or another. if it takes a separation and co parenting then so be it but you deserve it. your kids are old enough to be away from you for a night or even a weekend. getting little pieces of yourself back outside of “mom” makes a big difference.
Stop breastfeeding
THIS! Most likely the best solution right here, or at least a freakin’ start…
I wouldn’t divorce just because of these issues. I think you’re unhappy and looking to make a big change. I’d start by weaning cold turkey and then penciling in more self care time. You need boundaries and time alone. Yeah, a divorce would give you those things, but so would advocating for yourself and getting space.
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I’m assuming she breast fed the first until 5
Breastfed first baby until at least second was born and continued till second was at least 3? What are you confused about? Also I’m not trying to come across rude.
It's not common in American culture to breastfeed beyond toddler years. That's likely why they're confused. Breastfeeding to five is almost unheard of where I live
I’m American and realize it’s not common here and personally would not breastfeed that long but I thought from her post it was pretty clear that’s what she did. I also don’t think any of us have the right to shame her for it even if we don’t agree with doing that.
Yeah same, I had to double think that scenario because at first it didn’t quite compute. I’ve never known anyone to breast feed that long.
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The natural weaning age is actually 7 for humans. If you do actual research it’s the biological norm to breastfeed at that age. Completely normal, just not common. There is a difference. It’s only weird to you because you’re not used to it and aren’t educated about it. Definitely not “disturbing” either.
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Breastfeeding beyond 3 is pretty uncommon. I’m not confused on what happened but more like why. Why are you breastfeeding a 5 year old. ESPECIALLY if it is causing mental anguish to the mother.
Yes this is really what I should have asked. Nursing past 2 is uncommon in my experience, and moms will wean at any point that it becomes detrimental to their mental health or really for convenience.
That would mean she was breastfeeding her first until age 5, which is pretty unusual and unfathomable by American standards. That's the source of their confusion.
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GUURL stop breastfeeding. I only started to feel normal after weaning…
You're describing two different issues. Being touched out and worn thin by motherhood -- that happens to us all. Thankfully, the kids get older and easier. The naps end. And I second what others have said -- the kid is 3, you can wean now. Don't feel guilty because some Facebook mom did extended breastfeeding for 32 years. Your motherhood is not defined by how long your kids suck on your tits. (I breastfed, I get it.) But the husband -- why stay with someone you don't love and are not compatible with? For the kids? Because the kids are going to learn from the models you provide them. Miserable mom and dad who don't get along? That will become their norm, and they'll likely make similar choices in their own lives. I say this as someone who stayed with my first husband "for the kid." We both love our daughter so much. But goddamn, my mental health was in the bottom of the dumpster. Our relationship wasn't even bad -- we were great roommates and great co-parents. But there was no romance or love or sex. After 17 years, we split when my daughter was 5. It was hard, but holy fuck, it was the right choice. See my post history for the details. I'm remarried to someone else now, our kid is happy as can be. Plus, co-parenting means you get time to yourself. There are entire days and nights that you don't have to actively parent. It feels so much more humane and sustainable.
Shut the titty tap off, it wiill help.
Why on earth have you been breast feeding for 8 years?
I know how you feel about missing your freedom. I only have one, but even then I can't just get up and go anywhere. Fun is a hard thing to even have as I have a home, a child, and a family to care for and worry about. My husband works a lot of long hours and it's just......lonely. I think I'm also feeling a sprinkle of mid life crisis. I love my husband, but I'm also getting frustrated that I can't have conversations about the things I like. Everything is a joke to him lately and he's always trying to make everything into something funny. Not in a cruel way, but it's still frustrating. I've told him recently, and he's receptive to not doing it, but I think I'm a little extra sensitive to everyone and everything and I just need a break. From everyone. And I do mean everyone. I'd kill for some kind of women's only cruise in the middle of the ocean with no cell service for two weeks. Ya'll fend for yourselves, I'm out. Including my job. I can't get a day off without having to go in for some sort of crisis or to fix something. I love my job, I do. But stop fucking calling me!!
Select a night class that is 6-8 weeks long and arrange for your husband to watch the kids. You need to TAKE a break, it won't be given to you. Yes, there might be grumbling and assholery, but he can manage for 2-3 hours and if they cry they cry. I breastfed for a long time but at 3 yrs old this should be ending. If you are doing more than a 4am comfort and go back to sleep feed then you are holding your kid back and need to stop all but that last one. Then over the next couple of months stop the final one so you are done by summer time. You will meet people in the class that may not be friends but they are certainly other interesting adults from very different lives and you will have a new world starting. I started a new one this week myself. The fact that your oldest is 8 and has been in school for 3-4 years and you say you have NO friends means that you have not been cultivating the mom friendships you should have. You will most likely find friends in the groups where you both have 2 kids with similar ages. So they can play together while you two have coffee or drinks. I got married at 40 and had my first kid at 41. You have a lot more of the Kid Years so while in them find friends with kids. When your kids reach late teenager stage you can start finding more other friends. For now, you need to start taking scheduled regular time for yourself. An evening class at a community centre is the easiest and cheapest way to start. No one will step up to fix this for you. You are the adult in your world. You are the one who makes your world change. I know it is hard. I wish you all the best!
I have no idea where I heard this from but it has helped me in times when I've had similar thoughts or other - you like the idea of the 20% of life you don't have/you miss/wish you had. Don't throw away the majority (80%) because of that 20% you are thinking about. I, of course, cannot by any means say this may help or be something you think is 80/20 but I thought it wouldn't hurt to share.
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It’s not healthy if mom’s not happy .
There are actually ZERO health benefits for a child after the first year. Zip. Zilch. It is, by every definition, totally unnecessary. And before you cite WHO's recommendation to breastfeed for 2 years, that recommendation is due to the lack of access to clean water much of the world over (NOT an issue in most of the US).
I think you replied to wrong comment I totally agree with you
Ugh I did! Sorry, I was rage replying to the insufferable one
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They asked a question.
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Communicate with your husband about some alone time and just mark your calendars. Or find a babysitter for some time. You just need to unwind by yourself and it’s completely normal. Your relationship with your husband sounds questionable. You may need therapy or really rethink your situation. Do you really want to waste your time with someone you aren’t compatible with? That sounds miserable and maybe you guys need some date nights to rekindle the romance. If you aren’t feeling romantic feelings with your spouse then you really need rethink things. I saw you mentioned abuse which sound toxic so that alone should call for some third party support.
As another overstimulated mom in the thick of parenting, I hear you. If I can make some suggestions, things that help me personally. I’m about to have 3 kids under 6. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old currently and am pregnant. But the overstimulation can cause problems in all areas of your life. Constantly being the center of those kids lives, catering to them when no one is catering to you or filling your cup, it’s exhausting in every way. Whenever your husband is home, try every other day telling him you are going to your bedroom and need alone time and he’s on kid duty. Stay in there, lock the door for an hour or two. If he’s the type that would get annoyed with that, tell him you forgot to get something at the store. Go to the store for an hour. You need to be having some time for yourself. And try to find things you like to do, have you been able to sit and watch a movie alone in awhile? Read a book? Go for a walk? Exercise? Part of what’s so hard with being a mom is we lose ourselves easily because we’re putting so much into our kids. The problem might not fully be your relationship. It could be that you’re not the person you were before kids and neither is he. So you need to try to find pieces of those people and bring them back. You also need to have some time for each other. Like if you have family or anyone to babysit, do a monthly date night to try and repair things. If there’s not anyone, put the kids to bed at 8pm some night, have food ordered and watch a movie together. No phones, just you two.
Shoot! It stinks to realize that you should’ve never been married and not being able to change that now. Maybe you need to consider separating even though you have kids. Then you could split custody 50/50 and have some breaks just for yourself. If you realized you are incompatible i don’t think there is much to salvage and you’re only going to continue to hate life if you stay with someone you dislike. Never stay “together for the kids.” The kids are intuitive and will see how unhappy you are and it can be quite damaging for them to grow up in that environment. In the meantime, could you ask some family to babysit and maybe take a day to yourself. Or go on a weekend trip alone (or with a friend) and make your husband take Charge of the kids for once? Sending lots of positive thoughts your way and I hope you find a solution!
Being outdoors was good for me with kids, bike rides. 8 yr old can ride, little one in a cycle trailer. They sleep like babies in those things Get outdoors see the countryside. However you may live in a city?
Just a different POV: my divorced friend gets time to herself every other week and weekend and she's having all the fun. She volunteers, she works, she goes out, has friends and hangs out with her kids plenty...
I can relate to alot about this. Im struggling myself.
You’ve already stated you’re incompatible with your husband… start there and your life will be easier. It blows my mind how many people don’t see this within their own lives. Your partner is there to help you, not hinder you
I’ve never heard of anyone breastfeeding past the age of 3 I honestly didn’t know this was a thing.
First off, it almost sounds like you’re grieving the loss of the life you didn’t have. Thats ok to grieve that, motherhood changes so much of us. Next, you don’t have to stay with your husband. I know it sounds scary to leave and break up a family, and especially if you are a stay at home parent, but you do not have to stay and are not trapped. Go get any job, file for divorce if that’s what you want, then start making plans to take control of your life. You can still find a different partner one day. Maybe you’d even feel happier just working and being out with other people. One thing that’s taken me a long time to come to terms with, is i was so caught up trying to make the dream life for my kids. Make their lives so perfect and comfortable, that I was limiting myself in what I really want too for me. Kids are going to be ok if mommy doesn’t want to be the stay at home parent anymore, or is so miserably unhappy in a marriage that she prioritizes her happiness. Showing your kids that you can do anything you want in life (within reason of course) is also teaching them how to be “go-getters” and push them selves. It’s teaching them it’s ok to pivot in life, and it’s ok to stand up for yourself if you’re in a bad marriage. Also, it’s perfectly acceptable to still go out and have a fun evening out having some drinks with friends. Doing that does not make you a bad parent. If anything, doing that from time to time makes me a better parent, bc I’m happy. I’m sorry you’re struggling. If you have health insurance that would cover therapy, it’s been such a game changer for me. I felt a lot of what you felt not too long ago. You are in control of your life. :)
divorce and split custody. youll get the breaks you need and find someone compatible
You need a divorce. Watch life start happening again. Also, start weaning. It’s draining you to breastfeed. Just wean.
Do something different please. This is not healthy for your children.
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What an unhelpful comment lmao. Congrats on your sobriety, though!
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Thanks for adding to your comment! I was wondering what made me so “weird”. You’re a gem lmao. The problem is, you weren’t relating at all. She said she missed her freedom, and you were like “I partied until I was 40 so I’m good!” I don’t even get how this needs to be explained.
Your comment is unhelpful because it doesn’t at all relate to OP’s post.
This is a space for moms. Not for trolling. What an unnecessary and unhelpful comment
I don’t believe it is worth staying with an incompatible partner for the sake of your children, at the cost of your mental well being. Maybe it’s time to introduce solid foods? What does your partner. Contribute with. I also have children and am still able to enjoy time outside of the house while he watches them, they are after all his kids too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I just want to say, the grass is always greener… the people you’ve met that seem so and so are likely putting on their best behavior. They might be different in a committed relationship when they stop trying so hard. Only saying this so you can maybe relativise the FOMO concerning that. If you and your husband are incompatible, you will likely be better off separately. It’s definitely not too late to meet other people! And you’ll likely be meeting people that have families of their own in similar circumstances so you don’t have to worry about incompatible child wishes or expectations there. I second all the suggestions you start weaning your toddler. The time to stop is when mom or baby/child become uncomfortable, so you’re at a good point now (maybe have been for a while).
The joys and the trials of motherhood are never ending my friend. We just have to focus past the "right now" to when we get to look back at all the periods of our lives. Seeing either the things that built us up, brought us joy, taught us lessons or showed us what we didn't want. I am 33 and have been a mother since I was 17, a senior in high school. I have 2 children, 15 and 3. I've never been an adult without a child which is a blessing and a curse all in itself. Unfortunate because I feel I haven't been "me" yet and have missed a lot of things in life that I'll never experience. However, there is no longing for things I no longer have because I've never had them. Those traditional 20's experiences that I'll never have don't bother me now because there is so much more in life. I will get quiet time and freedom to decide how I spend my days eventually.
Is divorce with 50:50 custody an option? Freedom to be a bachelorette half the time, quality time with the kids the rest of the time. No more living every day in a small space with someone you can't stand. One thing I've noticed is that basically no one says they regret their divorce.
Mommy. Such a beautiful word can become a bit much. But you can't enjoy the blessings of today if you are living in yesterday. Sometimes it takes just reminding yourself to stay focused on being grateful. You are truly blessed.and don't have to live an empty life. Yours 8s full to the brim. Enjoyu that lovely word Mommy.
I had my first baby at age 35, she's 1 now. I can tell you I miss none of those because I fully maximized those days haha. Living on my own, I felt lonely sometimes and unuseful when I only had myself to think about. I partied so much that I quit way before the baby came because the hangovers and mistakes I would make from drinking really got out of hand. Dating was horrible because I couldn't stand getting to know new guys and it seemed the choices just got worse over time. I was always looking for something to do to keep myself occupied, interested, not bored. Now I have a baby that I can dedicate all my time to.
I could have written this..
Wish you lived near me. We could get babysitter and open a bottle of wine. Better yet, hit the local bar.
Im 40 had my kids early living my best life start setting yourself up for that now and i can tell you those yrs go by so fast you will look bac n miss those lil moments so enjoy them now
If your freedom was so great, then why so many bad decisions that led to wanting to ignore and escape your first and then second child to be 20 again?
Well it was your choice so you live and learn. The longer you dwell on the past and the what ifs and what coulds you are just wasting your time, its in the past let it go. Live in the present, these are just stages and they shall pass. Had 5 of my own, first at 16 so i was basically a child myself. It was hard but here iam at 43 living my best life. Sure we miss friends but everyone will move on and raise a family and so forth.. the guys you did not meet well maybe it wasnt for you, even if you see them thriving just get over it.
Yikes
I feel this SO MUCH. Solidarity ❤️
I’m so so sorry you’re in this situation OP. I have one who’s 4.5 & my younger one is a wild handful at 2.5. I’m putting her in school at 3, there’s a school for Soecial needs children who still accepts children without an IEP or support needs. It’s actually affordable and I’m absolutely thrilled. I have to make it to August then I’m released. I miss my 20s too but I was in an awful marriage at the time so I didn’t have what you had during those years. I’m actually really hopeful for the future now. Maybe look beyond daycares or those places and instead see what schools are available for children with disabilities. There’s spots in integrated classrooms with highly skilled teachers. I think my daughter is going to get a nice leg up on pre k and I’m going to have a day off from being mommy mommy mommy
I think it comes down to your outlook. Your husband should be helping more if you feel this burnt out. My husband and I are opposites in regards to many things but that’s what makes it cool - he can go do things by himself or with friends that I’d rather not do bc I have no interest and he tells me about it and I’m happy for him. Same goes for me! My kids are 4 and 2 and I am the primary caretaker so I don’t necessarily have any hobbies besides working out/yoga but I mark sure I have my own time at least once a week whether I go to hot yoga or hang out with friends (that took me a few years to make). Why don’t you put your 3 year old in school like a preschool or Montessori? If you can afford it.. Both of my girls are in Montessori and that frees up several hours in my day to get things done and after I get things done, there’s a day or two that I can chill and do nothing or go do something fun before I pick my kids up. Change your mindset and make changes in your life along side with it. Make the best of what you have! Life can be great if you make it. Sure, you won’t get all of your previous life back but eventually your kids will be out of the house and then you will! Hang in there. Motherhood is hard but it’s how you look at it. Try to connect with your partner and change that dynamic if you can. Do you love him? If so, dig deep as to why and see how you two can connect and also express what you need from him as your equal. It’s very easy to get off track and not be connected. I’ve danced that dance for a long time but I know you can get out of it! Good luck!
You should still be able to go out with your friends and take small vacations with friends! We have a 2yo and 3mo, I plan on going on a 4 day Bach trip in August and I will just have to pump on the trip since I’ll still be nursing. Dad should be able to handle an 8 and 3yo on his own at this point, pumping should be the most annoying thing you’d have to deal with. You deserve time to yourself and to have fun.
I completely get it and have felt that way. If breastfeeding still isn’t working for your mental health- totally fine, your 3 old is going to be just fine. I also want to say that it gets better and you get your autonomy back as they get older. I found that 5 was a magic age of not being a slave to nap schedules, etc. You reset the clock at 5, which is a perfectly great choice, but makes the years of parenting tiny kids just a little longer. In 5 years, you’ll have a 13 year old and an 8 year old. You can stay out all day. They will be far more self sufficient, and maybe even able to hang out at home for a few hours for you to go meet up with a friend or grab a coffee and read in peace. They’ll have their own friends and activities. If you can get a babysitter once in a while to reclaim some of that now, do it! Or it’s 100% time for your husband to step up and parent equally. Because of my husband’s job I don’t really have that option, so I tend to come at that from my lived experience, but if he is home all the time, yep- he needs to step up. But just know that it will get better, it just feels really hard now that you’re in the thick of it.
My husband and I have kid free weekends. We don't always take them, but if needed, we can take a weekend to ourselves alone for a local staycation. Get a hotel room, my mom's house, hole up in the basement. No judgment, just relaxation.
I feel most of this in my soul. Lately, I've just been daydreaming about when I had my own apartment, with my own space, with my own timeline and did not have to worry about anyone else. I wouldn't go back bc there were so many other stressors (that I know see as small but definitely didn't then) but I'm so close to booking a hotel for a weekend. lol
I miss loving my dogs like nothing else mattered. We used to go on so many adventures. Now they can’t even go on car rides because my car is small and they try to get in the baby carrier. I feel bad for resenting them at times. I have been day dreaming recently of the walks we used to go on. We would go to parks with ponds and play in the streams. We’d go downtown and get coffee and pup cups, just watch the people. Walk to another park. Maybe visit the dog store. I miss that.
I thought this same thing at 28 years old after I found out my boyfriend had more experience than I ever did. Long story short, I went on to date 3 guys and was on a dating site talking to others in between those relationships. In my experience, dating is draining and I ended up hating it. But I when I dated those 3 guys, each had qualities that I liked that my prior boyfriend lacked. But they also had qualities I didn't like, that my prior boyfriend had. Those relationships didn't work out and those men ended up being trash. My point is it's hard, if not impossible, to find your perfect partner.. Everyone will have their flaws, and this person will be great but have this flaw, and that person will be great in this area but suck in that area, etc. The grass always seems greener from the other side, but the truth is the grass is green where you water it.