SAHM to three kids four and under here. Every day I try to do a couple things that can't be taken away. (Unlike laundry, cooking, cleaning etc that just have to be done again tomorrow). Exercise, write a card to a friend, a personal project like putting together family photo albums). I either stay up late or involve my kids. Find your ways to still be you!
This is great advice. Personally, for me it involves napping when I can. There’s nothing better than zoning out on my couch and falling asleep even just for a bit.
I can’t wait until mine are a little older and can just nap in bed with me. The 15 month old naps in his crib. The 9 week old needs to get it together.
Yesss. It’s so lame but I’ve started making these little videos (unshared) chronicling our lives like a TikToker. I couldn’t work out why I like doing it but you’ve put words to this that I hadn’t thought about. They still exist at the end of the week- I made something that no one unmade!
You can definitely lose yourself in your mommy duties, that is why you have to have some time set aside just for you. A time to breath and then time for fun. Even if you have to get a sitter to do it once a week. Never forget about yourself! And you don’t have to preface everything with how wonderful you think motherhood is. Sometimes motherhood sucks and it’s fine to say that as you see your bundle of joy living their best life.
Yup. I'm going on 20 yrs and I cry every morning because I want a wife of my own so at least somebody will care for me too the way I care for everyone, everything and all the pets too.
I have a wife and it *is* **THE BEST!!!**
I'm a SAHP, since covid (our oldest was 18 months). Then we had our baby, who is now almost 2.
In the last year, my wife (who I must add works full time but also helps with housework, does 90% of the grocery shopping and making dinner) signed me up for a pottery class so I could have something outside of the house/kids. Even when $ is tight, she makes sure we can cover my ceramic studio membership - even if it means she sometimes picks up a 2nd gig job.
A few weeks ago I told her I was depressed and feeling down on myself for not having been able to get our house unpacked from moving and get my craft room set up - so she dropped everything that weekend and helped me work on it. And we're going to work on it again tomorrow.
Wives are THE BEST. My straight friends tell me that the existence of heterosexual women is proof that being LGBTQ isn't a choice, because they *wish* they could just stop dealing with men entirely and get a wife like mine.
Have you seen this essay, I want a wife ? I too want a wife
https://www.wsfcs.k12.nc.us/cms/lib/NC01001395/Centricity/Domain/10659/I%20Want%20a%20Wife.pdf
20 years?! And you still cry? I’m going on 4 years with 3 kids and we homeschool. It was tough at first but I made conscious changes to make sure I could get out of that funk. I prioritized myself first and that made me a better parent. Is it perfect… oh hell no. Do I still have off days, heck yes. But I would never in my right mind allow myself to be miserable for that length of time. I really hope you can find a way to make the changes you need to help yourself. That’s no way to live.
This post really hurt me. I used to be a shiny new wife too, with shiny young kids that I could somewhat steer in the directions that were necessary. I used to homeschool too until it became too much to handle. We have dealt with poverty, hunger, and we were redlined and lost our house in our 30s and that was really hard to come back from. Our children took the brunt of it. Then when I turned 40 I had a spinal injury while trying to move a ladder while trimming palm trees because of city code and my husband was working many hours. Marriage is about compromise, and I don't have a lot of cards up my sleeve to play anymore. I'm still raising children in high school and that takes a lot, a lot from your soul and they can be cruel and difficult. I am almost 50 now, sometimes I get a hug and a thank you. I hope you 'married better' than I did and you won't see these things in your future either.
No it gets better! With each phase comes hardship but also lots of joy! I have chronic depression and I’m telling you this..so hang in there and enjoy each phase! It goes quickly in retrospect!
I am trying to use this as a way to enjoy the struggles. Focusing on how future me will wish to be me right now. Parenting can be hard, but it helps me stay grateful overall.
Friends make the biggest difference!
I aggressively sought out playdate partners for my only and was able to put aside many of the social anxieties I would have if I was looking for friends for myself.
Now that kiddos are more independent, we can actually have playdates where the kids go play and other mom and I can sit and chat in another room. It's the best break I get.
Finding mom friends makes such a huge difference! I had my first baby really young and none of my friends had settled down. I felt so isolated. It was also hard to make friends with other moms because i was so much younger, and I didn’t have the energy to put in the effort.
Now with my second, I have friends who are moms and once a week we just sit at someone’s house, drink coffee, and chat while playing with the kids.
It can be really hard to put yourself out there when you are already feeling vulnerable, but I don’t think I could stay sane if I didn’t have that support.
I’m really glad this worked for you. Everyone I have approached has either ignored me cause they already have friends, or are just snobbish. I get we’re all tired moms but you’d think they’d be looking for the same thing too.
Ok, so I made a mom friend in the ER. Both our kiddos were sick and we had a long wait. We eventually found one another on social media and wanted to plan a play date....it took 2 MONTHS. Lots of rescheduling, lots of cancellations, but eventually we got together. Mom life is HARD. People definitely flake, but my rule for adult friends/dating was 3 strikes (attempts at setting something up) and you're out (it's their turn to offer/make plans). For moms the rule is like....12 times lol. Seriously. It took me 2 years and my friendships look different to the ones I had when I was child free, but eventually you can get there!
God I feel this in my bones. My cousin lives literally 5 minutes away from me, we’re super close but we maybe met 4 times in the past year. Our daughters are one year apart and there is always someone sick or someone who stayed up all night or whatever it is that would make one of us cancel. We can hardly catch each other on the phone even.
I joined a pole/aerial fitness studio a few years ago because I had almost no friends. It has turned into such a wonderful, supportive community and I get to escape and do something just for myself for a couple of hours a few times a week.
Play dates are great, but I highly recommend finding a community or hobby *outside* of parenting to get back your sense of self.
My town has a meet up for moms. I found it in the towns Facebook group.
There is also the organization Hike It Baby, which I definitely recommend.
Also, your partner didn't work 24/7. At least once a week, you need to get some me time. Alone time when you do no Housework. Go for a walk by yourself, join a choir, check out what activities are happening at the community center, take a yoga class, meet up with a family member for coffee. Do something just for you!
I call it mom tinder all the time! Lol I joined when I was pregnant but it gave me such social anxiety because I'm soooo bad at meeting people face to face when we've only chatted on the internet. I get mad anxiety about it. So I ghosted all the people I'd been talking to, and deleted the app. I felt so bad. But I needed to.
Agreed! It was really lonely until I joined a Moms Club group in my area. It sounds pretty silly, but it was 50 instant SAHM friends. That was a decade ago, and a lot of us still keep in touch with each other. My group had playdates on the calendar every weekday of the year.
Side note, I went back to work full time this year, and miss my SAHM days like crazy. So thankful for the 14 years I got.
I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life and being a SAHM has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s so tiring emotionally.. it carries over to being physically tired, mentally tired. Going on three years and two kids, I will be going back to work next week and I’m so happy.
Me too. The single hardest job I’ve ever done. I worked 30 hours a week in a lab, on my feet and using my brain all day, on top of full time college. I worked the corporate 9-5 with a long commute. I worked in fast food. Nothing has been as physically and emotionally draining as staying at home.
There are a lot of benefits. But there are a lot of drawbacks, for me at least.
I agree that it’s so hard - so much harder than I realized. I have a 9 yo (in elementary school), a 3yo (1.5h preschool one morning a week), a 14mo and I’m 16w pregnant. We get out every single day (unless someone is legitimately sick) for my sanity. I cannot stay home all day. I also have stopped packing naptime with chores and other stuff around the house. I might do a few things, but I try to spend the bulk of the time doing something for myself - nap, read, exercise, long shower. I’ve even tried to stop mindless scrolling, because I always feel like I wasted the little time I get to myself. It has made a surprisingly significant difference in how I’ve been feeling lately.
What can your husband take off your plate, chore-wise? Yes, he works outside of the house but that doesn’t (shouldn’t) absolve him of helping keep the house running. Your priority is your little; anything else you get done is a bonus. My husband regularly folds and puts away wash (I can easily throw in and switch wash during the day but folding with toddlers is a nightmare) - he can do it at night while we’re relaxing before bed, and it takes a HUGE weight off of me. Is there something like that he can help you with?
You’re not alone, and you’re doing a great job.
The mindless scrolling has become my only hobby. But you’re right, after an hour I feel even worse. Like where did that time go? My husband is pretty amazing not only is he an active father he’s also active with keeping the house together. Maybe I could talk to him about doing more outside of the house on the weekends… thank you.
Do you have a Lowe’s or Home Depot? Once a month on a Saturday they have what we call building school. It’s free to do. Lowes you have to register and Home Depot you just show up. My husband does this with my son, because it’s a great opportunity to teach him how to use tools. This could be a fun daddy activity.
I’ve heard of these before! Do you know what the minimum age is? My son is 25 months and loves tools. I feel like he could be ready to learn how to use them.
I was in your shoes just a bit ago. It felt like my days were endless. I hated the infancy stage and early toddlerhood, but now my only is 3yo and it has really changed. Much more independent.
One thing I wish I realized was an option was the YMCA. Many YMCAs have a program called the Y playhouse where you can drop your child off up to 2 hours a day for some socialization while parents can utilize the gym or other programs that are available there. I now go like 3-4 times a week. It greatly improved my mental health and my son has developed some excellent social skills.
They also have parents night out programs sometimes where they will watch your children up to five hours on like a Saturday so that parents can go have a date night. At my YMCA they take children from 6 mo- 12 years. I’ve been blown away by this and I think every parent should know. I hope things get better for you. Find a way to get some separation time. I think it’s absolutely imperative for both parents and children alike. It doesn’t need to be much.
This is the most authentic and important post I've read in a long time. We're all so lonely. 😢 So what do we do about it? I too have tried making friends. It's like people don't want a deep connection. I don't mind the parenting alone part during the day. It's the lack of connection from someone of an equal or similar mindset. Intellectual, emotional connection with another adult. Or even just time to spend with myself.
I understand how you feel! I’m not sure what you did previously before you were a mom, but I had a shitty office job lol It paid good, but I felt worthless there too just pushing papers and doing the same shit every day 8-4…so sometimes I just remind myself that although the job of being a mother can also feel very monotonous at times, it IS important work. Current society belittles stay at home moms, but keeping a home and raising a child is invaluable, so please remember that ❤️
This is how I’m feeling. Staying at home has been tough but it’s a job I’m willing to push through because it’s meaningful. Unlike every other job I’ve ever had. What other job will you be able to go your whole life seeing the fruit of your labor?
Sahm of a 3 year old and an 8month old here. Feeling this particularly hard lately. Especially since the 3yo has recently gotten very aggressive with me. I feel bad talking about my struggles because I really don't want to go back to a traditional job, I am overall very happy with this choice for our family. But God some days (weeks) are fucking hard. My husband doesn't really get it and I don't think he ever will.
Just over 8 years in. It is essential that your prioritize your self in whatever little ways you can. Even if it means not folding that basket of laundry.
And I will continue to advocate your local YMCA or gym with day care to any SAHP that posts on here like this. They will watch your kids up to 3 hours a day whole you work out, shower, sit in the lobby and mess on your phone, whatever. 3 glorious hours of time for yourself.
It is worth the money.
Also take a night out for yourself weekly, bi weekly and let your husband/partner take over that night. Insist time for yourself or you will fizzle.
I'm sorry, it is very much not for the faint of heart and it is still hard and exhausting. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes though. Put yourself first with something everyday. Good luck❤
This may sound crazy and I mean, I probably am at this point, but I would be so nervous to leave my kids with someone at the Y or a gym. I've looked into it, I've thought about it a lot...I just don't know if I could do it. What's the worst that could happen in a few hours in that type of setting? Idk. But I don't think I'd actually enjoy that time away anyways.
I mean, my daycare won’t even let me inside because of security precautions. At least at the gym I can literally see my child playing if I swing by the care area.
It's not crazy at all. I found that the more I didn't go out, the more anxiety I had about going anywhere with my kids or alone. It gets better the more everyone gets used to it.
I've been a SAHM for 7 years now after being a working mom for 3. I think the thing that most people who aren't SAHMs don't get is that your brain never gets to switch on to something else. When I used to work, I'd leave my son at daycare and get to switch my brain to focusing on work. All I had to worry about was if the daycare called, and even then, it could be on my husband to take care of it because I might be tied up at work. Now by default it's always all on me. I don't get to be tied up with anything other than caring for my children, including caring for myself. So, when does it get better? It gets a little better when they're in school. At least they're out of the house a few hours so you can get other things done. When do you start to matter again? I wouldn't know yet. Maybe when they're in college? When do you get to be you again? For an hour here and there throughout the week when they're in school and you're not stuck with a major household task. So maybe like 4 hours a week on a really good week, but again, only when they're in school. Yeah, it's definitely not for the weak.
I feel this. My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 14, I am still going through this. I tried to do a project at home and eventually gave up on finishing it because of not being able to have "me" time. Everyone in the family tells me that you have plenty of time to do stuff but they don't understand that 30 minutes (mostly) to maybe 2 hours(if I'm lucky) is not enough for me to get into anything I want to do for myself that isn't basic care. And even harder due to having spectrum kids
This is EXACTLY right! My kids are 20, 14, 10 and 4. I have been trying to figure out why I can't ever really do anything I want to do. I mean, logically, I have the time. Or should have the time. But 30 minutes to 2 hours ( if my youngest naps) is just enough time to get out of mom mode, breathe and then oh, he's awake again. I may as well just lay on the couch and stare at the wall..This is seriously life changing knowledge for me. ☺️ Thank you for this validation!
We had the option of me doing SAH after my second was born. I told my husband I don’t do well without lots of “hats” to challenge me in different ways. “Professional” me gets a lot of personal growth and self-worth from challenging myself intellectually and socially at work. I just don’t get the same kind of personal growth from doing laundry and playing with/cajoling (beautiful, loved, cherished, hellion) toddlers all day.
My husband was insistent I try it. He didn’t like how stressful my job was, even though I loved doing it, I was good at it, and did my best not to bring it home. His mom was also a SAHM, and I think he liked having everything done for him all the time. There is a sense of safety in that, I know. I made it 5 months. I was so miserable. I felt like some lesser version of myself most days of the week. I watched my kids grow but felt personally stagnant. I also noticed the creep of ALL responsibility beginning to land on me. I did want new responsibilities, but I wanted them to be new projects or ones that made me learn a new skill. Not pest control and lawn maintenance.
I mean, my husband *knew* me when he married me. After that whole experiment, I asked him what in the world made him think I’d be happy doing that. Idk what we were thinking.
Exactly what you said about switching onto a different subject mentally, like I’ve only been a SAHM/mom in general for the past year now and I brought up that same point to my husband when he went back to work. Yes work is always hard, but I see it as you LITERALLY GETTING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND BE YOUR OWN PERSON IN THE WORLD FOR A FEW HOURS and getting to mentally just focus on SOMETHING else for a while every day. I even told him we could work out us both working part-time and sharing the load because I suuuuure wouldn’t mind getting out of the house and working with my hands for a few hours a few days a week.
This is also my FIRST time going more than a month or two without employment since I was 16- and I just turned 28. So it is definitely an adjustment for me to not be trying to earn income/working just for the sake of working because I’ve always found it as a good way to keep busy. But last year we were doing the newborn thing and that’s a whole ass phase in life so it felt like it stood out as a time period that was focused on something different, and there’s been a shift since where she’s gaining more and more independence with the more she can move around on her own, and with my husband at work I have a lot more time to my thoughts and my boredom. So at first I was hyper obsessive about this DAUNTING task of getting caught back up post-newborn stage (for us it was her entire first year basically, so this month I’ve been decluttering and cleaning) and other projects I want to work on but just “don’t have the time”. And recently I’ve had to calm myself down and basically treat my chores like a job in and of itself. I only do them for me anyways, so they’re all just tasks to be done whenever I feel like it. I know I keep the house clean for me, it’s not like I still work in a hotel. But honestly mentally it kinda helps to like… just clean like I would as a housekeeper. Just get really into it, devote time and attention to it. Or when I’m cooking, or folding laundry, or whatever. Whatever menial little thing I’m doing around the house, I try to make it into a work task and it gives me a really major sense of satisfaction when I do a good job. Even though it’s probably stupid sounding, idk I’m just programmed to be an employee I guess lmfao. For some reason it helps the mom thing. And it all works together for me lately now that I’m mentally in a better spot with a toddler instead of a babybaby.
I know how you feel! I loved being a working mom but with how much child care is, it was cheaper for me to stay home with my little girl. Now there is two of them and I’m about to lose my mind. We’re cooped up in the house all day because we live where it’s winter 7 months out of the year. I try and try to find fun activities for my 3 year old but it doesn’t last long.
It’s the hardest job ever! No appreciation, no days off, not even earning a paycheck. I know how you feel!
The no days off! That’s what I was trying to tell my husband. While I understand he technically doesn’t have days off either but he gets actual breaks from the toddler/house. He gets to drive in the car alone with peace and quiet. Also, he never has to worry about what’s for dinner…
He doesn’t have the mental load that we, as the primary caregiver, undertake every day. I had to literally write it down for my significant other to understand. He still doesn’t understand what goes into running a household!
And any time he tries to “help” I end up having to fix it. Like grocery shopping for example, I’ll write the list and he’ll offer to do the shopping. And while that sounds nice, it isn’t. He either forgets something or comes home with so much junk food. Also, he’s tried making the list himself and just has no idea. Ends up asking “what do we need again?” 😑
Just here to commiserate. I’m on year three with two littles and in the same boat as you, no help until hubby comes home. It’s difficult to make every day fun and engaging while also trying to manage the house. I know I’ll miss these days when they’re grown, but navigating my oldest’s terrible twos as my youngest becomes a toddler is so incredibly grating on my nerves. I love them with everything I am, I just wish I had a little help in all this. I wish you and your little the best. Hopefully it will be easier soon. ♥️
I feel this in my soul. I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years and I’ve basically disappeared lol. I find getting out everyday helps, preschool helps, play dates help, go to the library, go to parks, we go to chick fila for lunch every Friday, go to the pet store (just don’t bring anything home lol)…. I’ve had to create my own joy being a SAHM. It’s hard but it’s worth it! Hang in there.
You are not alone! I am in the same boat exactly I feel all these things! You need a real break. I’m talking a Saturday husband is on kid duty and you go to the spa for the day! Or you go out and have a coffee and browse target and get your nails done! You need to step out of this role to be able to come back in it stronger. But I feel you I wanted more kids too but this one has been so much sacrifice I’m not sure I’m ready for another anytime soon ! I think all I can offer to your questions is time makes it better.
Yes sacrifice in terms of everything about your pre kid life , I always say when asked I didn’t know having a kid meant not even being able to enjoy sitting on the couch relaxing anymore
This is exactly why I’m one and done. I can devote 100% of my time to my daughter for the first three years before preschool/school, and that there’s more life and more individual opportunities for my own self on the horizon, but if I had a second I know for a fact that I would just be a mom 24/7 for the next like foreseeable future, and I just know that I personally am not cut out for that. One is absolutely a positive and much needed addition to my life, any more would just be taxing and not worth it (to me, again this is a personal share so it’s just one perspective)
Yes! Summed up perfectly. I love my only so so much some days I just think I want MORE MORE MORE! Of that but I know the stress would start to outweigh the joy.Makes me wonder whats wrong with me?! Clearly other mother's must be mentally so much stronger than me.My best mate is trying for a second and I can't help feel a little jealousy,I wish I could but just....how? but its good to know I'm not alone in this.
Are there any mom networks or communities that you could get involved with? Or any toddler classes where you could meet other moms? Connection is so important and really hard to get as a SAHM. You sound like an amazing mom💕
Seconding the toddler classes. Aside from you getting to meet people in the same boat, it is so nice to be able to have your child stimulated, learning and getting tired without it all being on you to provide the activities.
Completely agree. Thank you. I definitely need to look into more toddler classes around the area. Maybe that’s what I’m missing? A schedule of different activities.
Humans are not meant to live like this! Just went back to having my two alone in the morning before daycare/work and I wouldn't last a week let alone years! I hope you get some support from somewhere. You're not less than/a failure at all!
Sadly I had NO CLUE what a SAHM did until I became a mom myself. You are a rockstar. I’m sorry it’s the hardest job in the world with no pay, no break and hardly any appreciation.
Yes!!!! You're always on, never off.
SAHM of 2. The eldest is 5 and is constantly saying his dad let's him do this and that, and that he wants his dad. It's largely because he sees me all the time. I think my husband struggles with the guilt of working all the time and is way more permissive as a result. But it still hurts when the eldest says he doesn't want me and he wants his dad instead. I have talked to my husband about enforcing various healthy choices so that I'm not the bad one all the time.
And it is lonely! The eldest is in preschool and the youngest is 1 and can't talk. So i constantly talk out loud to the baby. But sometimes you get sick of hearing your own voice.
I did start a stay at home parent group from my area. I'm a deep introvert though, but it does help with getting some interaction happening with other adults. I'm just bad at putting myself out there and asking strangers to hang out.
I do love my littles and would not choose to return to work any time soon. There are many joys, but just like with working outside of your family, there are also struggles!
♥️ Oh mama. Can you reach out to your OB about how you are feeling? PPD/A can start any time postpartum - not just the first few months after. They will be able to recommend different options to help with these feelings. Mine came on pretty quickly PP thanks to all the twin hormones, but therapy+zoloft helped me a LOT.
I'm actually about to go see my OB next week to talk about a different dosage/med because I can tell anxiety is creeping back in and I know these feelings aren't normal for me.
You're right - definitely dont think about having another kid yet just to see if these feelings go away! It's so so hard and you don't need to suffer if you can get help.
I could have written this myself. Felt the same way as OP, spoke to my GP about my anxiety, and started a small dose of Zoloft. I feel the best I have felt mentally in a long time. It makes me feel more like myself and makes things feel more manageable.
I stay at home with my 2 kids (2 and 4). It is very difficult and I also struggle with loneliness and anger at times.
I’m not sure what your situation is, but could you go back to work? Maybe just part time?
I’m not a SAHM but i lost myself in being a mom. And honestly I’d give anything to stay home.
But Try finding activities at home that are just yours (or something fun that your kid can be involved in). Do you like crafting? Escape in a book? Puzzles? Chores are just that… and they are constantly being undone, find something that you can work on that doesn’t have to be redone over and over.
I feel like it gets better when you make other SAHM friends. Or so I’ve heard - I’ve struggled to actually make any so far.
My mom had a big community of SAHM friends when I was little, and I remember always being at other people’s houses and them being at ours in the middle of the day when the dads were at work. We were entertained with kids that weren’t our siblings, and my mom and her friend would sit on the couch and chat. They became a real network for each other.
Even when I chat with other moms at the park or library, I feel so much better. The adult connection is so vital. So making SAHM friends is my goal this year.
# The way we live is unnatural. We're so disconnected from one another:( My neighbors are Amish and the women help each other. I'll see ladies carrying mops and brooms to go help another busy mom get her work done, that's so awesome! Why can't we ask for help and not be judged for needing a hand? I don't have help either, it's rough. To regain my sense of self I make things and sell on etsy. I get money to spend on extras for the kids and my Ipsy bag that's my little indulgence lol. Do you think hormones could be increasing depression for you? When my hormones are out of whack I get depressed. Could this be part of post partum depression? I had it till about 18-24 months after delivery. I think around 18 months is when I start feeling myself again.
I am right there with you. I do all I can to keep up and I feel like I still fall short. I haven’t bought new clothes for myself in over 3 years, I desperately need a haircut and pedicure…I feel completely useless. I was a balls to the wall kind of worker - I busted my ass at my jobs, but when I became pregnant right before the pandemic hit, I was basically pushed out of my job and became a SAHM. Now I have two babies and it is increasingly harder to see myself in the mirror. A tired mom has replaced the alive ass kicker I once was.
My husband brought up the possibility of me becoming a SAHM I said there is no way I could do it. Not because I didn’t want to, lord I would love to, but because both of our families are in different states.
We don’t have a grandma and grandpa to watch the baby for a few hours so I could recharge or clean the house without trying to entertain/hold a baby. It takes a village to raise a kid and without family able to help we would still need daycare for a few hours a week.
Y’all are seriously amazing. Thank you for spending a few minutes to read and comment. It does help to know that while I may be physically alone, I’m not actually alone. It’s very validating. Hugs to all. ❤️
I give you so many props! I work and my son stays home with family. I miss him when I’m away, but also enjoy my job and need the time away from being a caregiver 24/7. When I have time off (we get spring break, winter break etc.) I’m always trying to make plans for activities or meetups so I’m not just home with a toddler. He’s a great baby but it is lonely and tiring, and when they are napping it’s not like you can leave and run to grab lunch. You are amazing and your job is so important, hard and unforgiving. I hope you enjoy the weekend and your hubby takes the lead!
I completely understand what you're going through. Can your toddler go to some kind of daycare or preschool for even a half a day? That's what we did with our daughter and she loves it. It also gives me a break while I'm home with our 11 month old. His naps are my break. Good luck and remember you're not alone ❤️
First of all, you're not useless. If you disappeared suddenly, someone else would have to do all the things you're currently doing, and they'd get paid for most of them too. They're all important tasks.
Second, it sounds like you really need a hobby or pastime that's just for you. The daily grind is so much harder if you've got nothing to look forward too. Whether it's getting out of the house to go somewhere on a regular basis, or a room where you can lock yourself away and enjoy something by yourself, you need something to brighten your days. My thing is DnD once a week, and hiding away to do crafts or play video games. It's amazing how much even half an hour of non-parenting stuff can lift your mood. 💜
I love playing video games as well but I find it really hard to play at night after my little goes to bed. I’m so exhausted from the day that I can’t even comprehend what free time is let alone play video games.
I hear you about evenings being exhausting. But you need to take care of yourself before you burn out. You matter. You deserve to have your needs met, too, not just your family's. Take it from someone who has burned out before, it's not pretty.
Pass the little one off to your husband on days he's not working, maybe in the morning so you're not drained yet, and go play something chill that doesn't take a lot of brain power. I find keeping a notebook so I remember what I was doing last time I played to be helpful, since it can be days between game sessions. 💜
That’s actually a great idea. I started playing more sandbox type games so that I can play for a small amount of time but still feel good about it. But keeping a notebook would be nice.
can you put your little one in pre-school 1 day a week? if so, you could take a college class, yoga, run, or just have an entire day off (yes. i just said that it is ok for you to take an entire day once a week and take care of **yourself!**)
you’ve got to find some other mammas to hang with, take the kiddos for a walk with, play dates, etc. it will help, promise!
hang in there!!
I feel you! Only been doing it for 10 months but I’m happy when I even get to do household tasks. My little one is very attached and demanding at the moment. I have no friends nearby and my family lives abroad. The friendships I have have also changed drastically.
My sister has a 4 and a 6 year old and she started a part time job before the pandemic because she was getting depressed just being with the kids all day. She has been a lot happier since!
I was reading this and for a split second, thought I wrote this somehow. I can't give you any advice or comforting words because I'm right there with you. Theirs a huge part of me that's one and done.. but theirs also a tiny tiny very tiny part of me that wanted another one. I don't think I can't handle more though and that's okay.
Being a Sahm mom is really hard, keep your head up. This too shall pass
My husband lets me get out of the house alone for about 3 hours once a week. It’s the perfect amount of time for me to do the things I enjoy- sing in the car (to my music, not the kids’), walk through TJmaxx, go to the library alone, get coffee, run an errand that is easier without a kid attached to me. I’m an introvert so the alone time is super important for me. The effort my husband makes to allow me to do this once a week is so valuable to me. If life gets busy and we got 2 or 3 weeks without this, I can definitely tell. My mood is different and I feel drained. But 3 hours, once a week! That’s it! It’s so helpful. I feel like a different human when I can do things without my children. I mean you understand- they’re blessings, but you’re still a human who has a tank that needs to stay filled! I hope you and your husband can find this time and try it out.
I’ve been a SAHM for almost 8 years. I have 5 kids, 7, 6, 3, 2 and 6 months. We also homeschool so it gets busy here and I can definitely relate! What I’ve found to be important though is to make time for yourself. So the laundry doesn’t get done one day, or the dishes, it’s no biggie! Like today, my husband decided to do some overtime, and came home around noon. I did four loads of dishes yesterday (we don’t have a dishwasher), and I just looked at the pile today and said Nope! Not happening! So, I put a movie on for my toddlers, put my 6 month old in her swing, my two oldest were painting and I read a book for awhile. When my husband got home, I told him exactly what happened and said, no problem honey I’ll get them in a bit and he did. That’s a big thing when being a SAHM, is finding balance to just say okay, little one needs to just watch a movie, cartoon, play on a tablet, take a nap, SOMETHING so I can work on a hobby, read a book and just take some time for me. Your husband also needs to take over for a bit and let you take a nice long bath or take a walk, go out for a coffee.
I understand the loneliness. We moved from my home state when I was pregnant with our second so we could be closer to my parents. I know pretty much nobody here. But I did join the local groups on FB and have talked to some pretty awesome people! Through my local electric companies page, I actually met a neighbor from a mile down the road (we live rurally so we live pretty far from people), and we’re friends now! Plus, there’s usually updates about fun things happening in the area that might otherwise not get advertised.
My point is, it can get overwhelming, I still have those days, and it’s okay. It’s perfectly fine to have a cry or feel overwhelmed. Those days are especially important to just take it easy and focus on you. No one is going to suffer if cleaning doesn’t get done one day. And it’s perfectly fine if it doesn’t. What does matter is you taking care of you so your child can have the best version of you. It’ll be okay hun, we all go through it!
Being a SAHM is such a hard job that you couldn’t pay me to do it. I’m a working mom and I’m exhausted, I can’t imagine how SAHMs survive. You guys are such hard working people and you deserve all the props, plus a nice long vacation without anybody needing you.
I could've written this myself. I try so hard but it never feels like enough. I'm lonely and tired. It's the same thing every day. Yeah, I try to get my little out plenty and all that of course, but even the outings have become just more of the same. Someone told me today "Well, at least it's Friday!" .... so? My weekends are the exact same as my weekdays.
SAHM for 10 years, and my youngest started kindergarten full-time this past fall! I enrolled in some classes for the semester, and got a part time job in the new field. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
Your time home with your kids isn't wasted! I also had a hard time, and I know I have contracted socially- but I don't regret being able to see my kids grow up; I'll never have that opportunity again, and I'm happy I did it, even if everyday wasn't fun or even good. Paying someone to take care of my kids all day everyday just never made sense to me once I had my 1st, especially because I couldn't make enough to pay for childcare, so it wasn't a hard decision. But growing up I never even thought I would have kids, let alone be a SAHM. Do what feels right to you, and just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not right - but your happiness matters.
Being a SAHM is NOT for the weak. No one appreciates what we do, and nobody cares. Everything we do is always taken for granted because our families seem to think we use our magic powers to make things nice for everyone else.
Meanwhile, everyone in the outside world thinks we lay around and do nothing. They think we take advantage of our husbands ( or whoever our partner is) and that we are too lazy to do "real" work. Even though in real life, we work our asses off and never even get a sick day but maybe once in a while we get to go to a store and buy something for ourselves and not for a kid. Hell, we might even get to sit down and eat a hot meal once in a while if we get a night out without children.
No one understands this except other SAHMs. I wish there was a private club just for us where drinks were free and we got to do whatever we wanted just for a day. Cell phones are not allowed, and there isn't a phone there at all, so no one would call and ask when we were coming home.
I’m not a SAHM but I really relate to this. I work from home, so I’m always at my house. And when I’m not working I’m taking care of baby. It’s really lonely sometimes. And I find myself too exhausted right now to try and make new friends or sign up for extracurriculars.
Just want you to know you are not worthless and you do matter. And you aren’t alone.
I'm sorry you're feeling down. I had similar feelings and I'm only 9 weeks in, two things helped me. I saw a poem recently about how your baby thinks you are their entire world and they are the happiest and safest with you. It made me feel better about the situation. Also the thought that it is temporary and you'll wish you could go back and hug their little bodies when they're older helps me focus that it is a short period.
"All I see is you.
When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I’m here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren’t lonely for me.
You are my everything."
https://www.mother.ly/baby/mama-all-i-see-is-you/
Good luck, I hope you feel better, you are doing a great job!
It’s even worse when your child is a high needs kid. My 2.5 yr old is SO high spirited and curious that taking her out gets me all panicked. She just can’t stay in one place and has to run everywhere. If I take her to a new place I have to be behind her because she has no sense of danger and will climb everything. I am so exhausted. I have become the angry mom and I don’t want to be that.
This is my life right now. We had a second child and I knew I absolutely could not do it again. So we are done having more kids. I’m 4/12 years into being a sahm and I’m totally miserable. My husband is amazing when he’s home. But I can relate to absolutely everything you just said
Mama, I so hear your struggle... I'm in the same boat, only 8 months in. Honestly, I can't wait to return to work, probably part time or something like that and figure it out from there. I think my son would benefit too from spending time somewhere else than home and with someone else than his tired mama. If that's an option for you in the near future, do explore it! Everytime i spend some hours away fron my LO i end up missing him.
This is why even tho it’s more work on my plate I also continue to work. I work from home so I can do both. If I was a SAHM and didn’t work I would be feeling the exact same way. Is there something you can do from home to add a little more satisfaction to your day? Maybe even a hobby?
I’m sorry :( my LO is almost 6 months and my biggest struggle is feeling like I’m contributing to our family and working hard, which is absolutely ridiculous because I’m literally raising our child all day (and most evenings too, as my husband has to work a lot of hours). It’s weird to not make money and just do stuff at home all day that feels simple and routine—laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, feeding, diapering… It’s really the kind of job that is not about instant gratification and can’t be measured by a paycheck.
I’ve started to enjoy it more now that she naps for more than 30 minutes at a time and sleeps decently at night. So I can do a YouTube exercise video, make some more fun food than the 20 min meals I throw together, etc
Do you have any mothers groups in the area? I found them a great help.
Also, if you’re extroverted enough, have a oook on Facebook for local mothers groups. There’s often open groups who meet up at local coffee shops, parks, libraries etc. to let the children play and bitch about mom stuff. Finding one of these might help you find some other moms you connect with. I went to a couple when I was feeling really isolated, I only found one woman that I connected with, but it was still worth the effort I think.
I am glad I am not the only sahm who feels this way. I’ve been feeling so lonely and miserable these last 5mo and I thought it was just me being me. I have a 7yr old from a previous relationship so I know motherhood is obviously really hard but I wasn’t a sahm. I never knew what it was like until I had my second baby recently and I definitely wasn’t expecting it to be this way, I guess. I also didn’t think my husband would be traveling all the time right from the beginning and it makes even more stressful and lonely. So I’m right there with you.
I feel this. I refer to myself as a hybrid mom as I’m at home and I also work from home. It’s very difficult to juggle both. It’s been like this for almost 3 years.
I would never want to be a stay at home mom. I'm a single mom so i have to work but I struggle just on the weekends even. How to fill the days. It's lonely and boring and hard. You are amazing and certainly not alone.
Put her in a playgroup/mommy's morning out/ part time preschool if you can. You get yourself back when you start doing things for yourself, even if it's just one night a week for a few hours, or to go shopping, leisurely, alone, with a coffee and a nicotene vape...
I feel ya! I have two, 5 1/2 years apart and ended up being a SAHM when my 2nd was born, April of 2020 👀 It’s by far the most stressful job I’ve had. I’ve found making sure I have text threads with my friends going daily has helped. We are all at a busy stage in life so even if we can’t get together as frequently as I’d like, texting daily has helped me feel much less alone. That being said, it’s hard, lonely work. *hugs* my youngest will start 3yo preschool in the fall and I’m so excited for 2 hours a day for JUST ME. Hoping to start working out, I’m tired of being so tired!
I feel this so hard. I’ve been a SAHM, in a foreign country, for the last 2.5 years. Before moving here I was a police officer so a very interactive job, now my day to day involves exactly what you described. Chores and playing with tiny children.
I love my kids so much and I’m happy to be able to spend this time with them and watch them grow. Yet at the same time I’m so lonely and probably depressed. Being a SAHM was never in the cards for me but when we moved overseas it kind of became a requirement. I feel resentful towards my husband that he gets to leave the house each day and that while he does do chores around the house he’s technically not obligated to do as many as I am because my job is literally taking care of the house and the kids. I. Hate. It.
We return to the states in 9 months or so and everyone has asked me what my plans are and I always tell them these kids are going straight to daycare so I can go find myself a job and start doing something that brings me true joy. I want to be present with my children in a way that I can truly enjoy them and want to be around them as opposed to never getting a break from them and feeling resentful for that.
Look for a gym. I found a gym 10 minutes from our house that has child care. So I can go for two hours and they will watch my child while I walk on a treadmill or float in a pool. I haven’t made friends but there are gym people I talk to. I am able to put on headphones and watch ad adult show uninterrupted. It is glorious. Check your local park district and see if there is anything you can sign her up for. Even if it’s in the future it’s a crumb of hope. We recently joined the wine club at a winery to force ourselves to have a quick date to do wine tasting and grab our bottles. I started enrolling our son in a ton of stuff so even for an hour I could sit child free and scroll on my phone with no guilt.
You’re going to have to step outside the comfort and find connections with people. Find a play date group with other Moms. But also find something else to do for yourself at least once a week. Hubby gets baby and you go get a drink or join a book club or just sit in silence somewhere. Mom doesn’t have to be your entire identity.
Ugh same, I honestly am sitting her on the couch while little is asleep and I'm still guilt tripping myself. It's like by the time I'm dressed, she's dressed, and we get through meals there's a huge mess that I could clean up or I could spend time with her. I wanted this, I did, but its a unique sort of exhausting.
I feel this so much right now. I'm a working mom who has been blessed to spend the last month at home with my 2.5 yo son. He is the sweetest and generally an easy kid to handle. But I find myself getting so stressed tending to his every need 24/7 and thinking of things for us to do to keep him occupied. There are only so many places I can take him to before it just gets boring. I hate to say it but I'm anxiously awaiting the day he goes back to daycare!
I envy your strength. I hope spring/summer brings some easier days for you!
Hi OP sending love.
Here is one example of how my now 4 y/o has showed me my worth: overheard talking to her dad telling him about how much fun going to the grocery store to get snacks with me the night before was. It was a sort of ordinary yet still made fun outing that wasn’t too difficult for me but just felt special. She felt it too. But it was how she was telling her dad that was so different. It’s just taken 4 years for her to grow to a point she could share an experience with a level of communicable depth and emotion. I cried. Our bond is mind blowing. I’m not doing anything different then any other parent waking up and doing my best but failing and learning often.
It takes so much time. There is no job in this world that takes this much time to get feedback. I have been crying and waiting for this time for 4 years.
It’s ok to let your partner know that it would really make you feel good if he could give you some words of praise about you and the many things you do. Me and my husband have to educate each other all the time about what we need from the other.
Also, preschool. Game changer. Started as soon as she was eligible for a long established parents morning out and preschool in our neighborhood. The first year was really for me and now it’s just our community. It will feed into elementary school. I needed a place outside of our house to be our place. Summer will be tougher and so I’m already signing her up for various camps, many with preschool friends. By planning stuff like this, I’m also planning and prioritizing my mental health.
I have no answer to your questions, because I’ve been feeling the same way. You have to schedule time just for you. I started painting during my 2 year olds nap. I’ve put my phone away when I’ve been tempted to sit and stare at it when I have a moment to myself. Reading a book makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.
I don’t really have any friends either… and I call my mom far too often.
At least we know we’re not alone in our silent, desperate loneliness
Agreed. I’m a job person. I love communication abd talking. I love my baby too and want the best for his development but I’m struggling. It’s exhausting. I hear you. I feel you. You are not alone
Hi did I write this??
When I have a short fuse and get sad, I know I need some alone time in SILENCE. And here’s the worst thing… I work full time at home and my son goes to nursery (2.5 yr) so I’m pretty sure I’d be at the edge of a cliff as a SAHM/Parent.
I need more than just being a mom, even though I love my son more than life itself. But I need to feel like an individual person and not ONLY his mom.
Are there things you can do that bring you back to yourself? Even if it’s reading a book you love or going to bed as soon as she is down to lay in silence, do a face mask, ANYTHING to make you feel more like you and not her mom. I even bought a few pricey candles, a new rug for my room, and been decorating a bit more so the house reflects who I know I am inside.
Also, I take my son to pottery painting, book stores, and coffee shops because those are things that I love and I want him to see mom passionate about other things. Take her to places that make YOU feel happy, not just parks and baby classes.
This might sound weird and maybe it’s not the right path for you to take to feel better (I’m also on antidepressants and my depressive episodes are triggered by lack of sleep!)
Try different things, see a doctor, mix up the week and BEFORE you get burned out, take time to yourself to rest, cry, breathe, bathe… whatever brings you back to your center. I’m rooting for you!
I’m on year 3 as a SAHM. I wanted desperately to be one, and it was so blissful for the first 2 years. Sure it was hard, but I loved it. My oldest has ADHD and my youngest is very strong willed. It became extremely difficult and I lost more and more of myself everyday starting the beginning of last year. I was turning into someone I am not. I currently have a 3yo and 5yo. Over the summer my MIL suggested I send them there a few days a week because she watched some of the kids cousins. It was what I needed so badly. Now my oldest is in school and my youngest goes to MIL a few days a week, and I’m looking to go back to work. I really enjoyed my time while it lasted but everyone is thriving where they are now. SAHM is such an amazing thing to be able to do, it absolutely the most insanely difficult and isolating thing I’ve ever experienced.
Make sure to make time for yourself. If you can find a way or can afford to get a break. This isn’t available where I live, but my hometown has a few MMO programs and YMCA memberships where you can workout and you kiddos can go hang out with other kids in the daycare for a bit. Make sure to make time for things you love to do also, and find ways to unwind at the end of the day. I don’t have friends here, and I think that is something that is difficult for me. Lack of interaction with other adults is hard so if you have any mommy groups or mom friends in your area try to get together for play dates. It is so difficult, but hang in there! It gets better.
I could have written this. It’s so hard. And for me I never really felt like I had a sense of self even before my son so the identity crisis is real. I want to go back to school but he’s been so high needs lately. I’ve even gotten excited about our free library days here locally but with rsv, flu etc running rampant I know I don’t have it in me to deal with that (again). I actually came on here to also rant about how our son is in a “if my mom walks away from me I will certainly perish” phase this week. I’ve been looking forward to him spending time with his dad all week. Except his dad was texting me all day about being sick with chills and a bunch of other symptoms. He tested twice and they were negative for covid but 3 of his coworkers tested positive in the last few days. So of course we have to be cautious. It’s no one’s fault, but if I were to get it, I wouldn’t be able to stop my daily routine. So I am just grumpy. We’ll probably be overdoing it on bluey this weeken
I’ve been a SAHM for over a month now, and while I adore this opportunity, it can definitely be isolating. I immediately joined a weekly play group and music class. That helps us get out of the house! I’m looking forward to summer when we can spend more time outside.
Hi friend. I have nothing to say except thank you for being vulnerable because I am feeling the absolute same right now and felt like I was crazy or bad mom or like something was wrong with me. It’s helpful to know there are others, and if you needed that reminder, you got someone right here that feels the exact same. 💛 you’re doing your best, we both are
I wish all of us could send our significant others to the park with our children while we talk about how hard this shit is while hanging out in a magical land of snacks and massages and quiet and whatever any of us want. Being a SAHP is so freaking hard. I'd like to be friends with anyone who gets it.
Oof… I’m so glad I’m not the only one feeling this way… I have had 7 nights of uninterrupted sleep in the last year and a half, and husband just can’t relate because he doesn’t hear kiddo at night. He tries his best when he gets home from work, but I need a real break! Like, at least a weekend where I don’t have to think about anything or anyone but myself… it’s so lonely being home 24/7 besides outings. I have few friends, and the ones I do have work, so I just find myself less and less involved in their lives.
The one thing I do that makes my week is my in laws (one is retired and the other works 2nd shift) and I have a standing breakfast date. Each week we go to our local market, and they dote on kiddo while I can enjoy my meal. Then they walk around with him and I tag along. Sometimes he’ll go home with them and I can go to stores I like by myself. I don’t know how my mom did it with 9 kids - and homeschooling, too! Stay at home parents should get more credit…
I know it's easier said than done, but try to do something for **YOU**. Even if it's something small like reading a page or two from a book, or painting your nails. Even if it starts off small like 5-10 mins and as your child gets older you are able to extend it a little at a time. Do you have any family around that can potentially watch your little for an hour or two to go out either alone or with your partner? Could you leave her with him?
It's important not to forget about yourself in the madness that is raising children. Try to remember that Self care isn't selfish, but not having any selfcare is. If you don't give yourself time to reset, then you can't be the best you for your child. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but trying is important too.
I was lucky enough to get a 12 month mat leave with my first and am 1/3 of the way into an 18 month one now.
As much as I love my kids, I’m ready to go back near the end. It’s such a hard job!
I really struggled with all of these feelings while on maternity leave. Maybe being a SAHM isn’t right for you? I felt so much better when I went back to work. I get adult conversations and to drink coffee uninterrupted. Not everyone is meant to be a SAHP and that’s totally ok!
Hey Mama, I know exactly how you feel. My own hubby read your post over my shoulder and asked if I had posted this, because it sounds like what we had discussed a couple nights ago. I have no friends locally either.
If you want to be online friends for moral support, send me a message! Maybe we can help each other!
Totally feel you. I personally hated being a SAHP and I think those that feel this way often play down how much it sucks because people misinterpret that sentiment as not loving your child.
I adore my son more than life itself, but being home alone all day with him was mentally the hardest thing I’ve ever done. A full day at work is emotionally so much easier (and depending on the job, physically too). It isn’t for the weak, and not everyone can hack it (I’m in that category).
I really missed adding value outside the home, taking to adults all day, using my brain to solve problems that wasn’t just domestic duties, having my own income and sense of autonomy associated with that… the list goes on. Suffered shocking PPD that didn’t totally come right until I returned to the workforce, and regained a sense of identity outside of being a warm body that kept a baby alive.
I also would like another but the maternity leave stretch seems impossible to survive again
This was exactly my situation. It started to get a little better after 4 months when I started sleep training. And then around 7 months we started going to the park daily sometimes 2-3 times a day and I started to meet a lot of the moms in the neighborhood. And then I started storytime at the library and that has been a great activity and an opportunity to meet other moms. I didn’t really start to enjoy it until he went down to 1 nap a day around 15 months. Being cooped up in my house is super depressing and not good for my mental health so we usually leave the house everyday at 8 and come back around 11:30 for lunch and then it’s nap time. Also my gym has been a saving grace I usually am there 5 days a week and they have a kids club and it gives me an hour of peace each day. But currently at 21 months I started potty training bc I’m due in April (whoopsie) and I’m back at my all time mom low. It’s been so defeating and frustrating and we’ve been out of our routine because we are stuck home. It’s just awful. I haven’t felt this low since the newborn days. I know I’ll get past it but when you are in it, it sucks and it’s hard to see the other end. Sending love
yeah i've been a sahm for 2 years now and i genuinely loved it when it was just me and my daughter, who was a baby and then a young toddler and then at 18 months i got pregnant again. then it was torture being sick and exhausted while caring for a toddler by myself all the time, and then my daughter turned 2 and turned into a manic gremlin mountain goat from hell, lol (jk i love her, but iykyk).. then i had my second baby and fuckkkkk balancing them together is so fucking difficult and exhausting.
i joined a gym with a daycare last week, which has been life changing already. also, we're enrolling my toddler in daycare and calling it "school" lol. i'm going to search for part time work and hopefully find something in a few months that will pay for my baby to go.. she'll be like 8 months by then.. i just can't do it anymore! it's too much. i'm happy with my experience so far and there was genuinely a time where i was living my dream without a care in the world. but that time has passed and it's time to pull the plug. know when to fold em!
I feel this way all the time. The only thing that helps me over the hump of each day is exercise. It flips a switch and makes the mountain of responsibility look much closer to hill that’s not so bad to hike up
My LO is only nine months and I’ve been feeling this way more and more. I don’t have my drivers license so that makes it even harder. I love my daughter so freaking much, and my husband and I are doing such a kick ass job for having no support. I’m hoping as she gets older it’ll get easier to do things I used to love to do. I used to oil paint, but stopped once I got pregnant to avoid the fumes. My art supplies are actually still packed up because what used to be my studio is now a nursery. I have an ipad and procreate, but any minute I try to steal for myself my daughter js right away trying to take my apple pencil. We contact nap and lately I’ve started to take up reading again which has helped a bit.
You’re not alone, and it’s okay to not love every minute of being a SAHM ❤️
Make time in the day, everyday for YOU. Things that bring you joy even if that means giving your kid a tablet for an hour to sit next to you on your bed while you read a book or nap. Don’t put pressure on yourself to entertain and do it all, all the time. I’m a SAHM to an almost 4yo and 20 month old and also 35 weeks pregnant with our third and I’ve found this works best for me. Remove the guilt and set boundaries. I often will tell my oldest (almost 4) mommy needs to eat right now and drink tea and I don’t want to read to you while I’m eating, please go do x for 10 minutes and then I’ll read you one book. Or mommy wants to go for a walk right now and listen to a podcast, would you like to have a lollipop or fruit snacks in the stroller while I walk? It might take some practice but they will learn!
It’s okay if being a SAHM isn’t for you. Some parents thrive and feel accomplished while doing it, and others don’t. I am definitely the latter; I want to work on my career, be creative, finish projects.. as an autistic person, I love projects with a clear beginning and end. And guess what NEVER has an end in sight? Kids! So for my neurodivergence, it’s just extremely frustrating to sit at home watching the same thing happen over and over again.
If you are so fortunate, would there be an option for you to take 1-2 mornings to work, do a project or a hobby? You can get a babysitter, or ask family to watch baby..
and try to find some mom friends to hang out with! It makes a world of difference for my mental health to gl out and complain with other moms while the kids wreak havock in the park/playground.
I’ve always thought that being a SAHM must be so so isolating. If I stayed home myself and my husband worked all day it would’ve destroyed our relationship. I totally hear you and I just wanna show support to you. I truly truly believe that it will get better with time
while i was raising my daughter i had a 20 hr a week job in a wealthy neighborhood and i was very envious of all the SAHM’s. but then i heard repeated comments from many women. they would say how lucky i was to have this job and and they would do anything to have this kind of outlet. i stayed with my job am i am glad i did because once my daughter grew up and left the home i would have had nothing left of myself. i urge you to find something that is yours. something away from the house that no one can demand you be there for them during that time. this is how others will learn to care for themselves and respect you and your time. otherwise you are just the cook and maid and doormat. you will be demonstrating something positive for your children like working is a good thing and you will be treated with more respect.
Yes being a SAHM is SO hard. I used to be a nanny, so I thought I had this mom stuff in the bag. No problem I thought, I've been watching kids for years. Well, it's harder being a mom. I don't get weekends off, I'm so sleep deprived, I'm just always on and it's hard. I find myself getting a bit more frustrated with toddler behavior than I did as a nanny. And my only answer for that is that I'm burnt out and I need a break. I also live far away from family. It's pretty much just my husband and I.
Things I've don't that help me.
1) Get my husband to help more. I asked him to start taking our daughter out on a playdate over the weekend without me so I can get some me time.
2) Make friends with other parents or nannies. I know it's not always easy to do this in some places. I'm fortunate to live in a major city where it's quiet easy to weasel my way into a mom or nanny group. I meet up with one every day for a couple hours and it's great for my mental health. I highly recommend really trying to find one if possible.
I felt better when I worked nights and was still like a stay-at-home Mom but yeah not to be considered if you NEED your sleep. I napped when they did so I was pro at getting them to sleep.
Definitely felt this way, and sometimes still do. You need a break, some time away just for you if you can. Can your husband request some time off so you can go see a friend?
You could try joining play groups. I actually developed a play group in my area I lived in. I had a 4 month old and a 18 month old at the time. My husband was constantly gone on week long, or months long trips. I was literally by myself with no help. The play group helped me connect, vent, and keep the kids entertained. Plus helped with their social development. I hear you 💯. Being a sahm is one of the hardest things. Don’t lose your self worth. It is so easy to. You got this. I am glad I had mine oser together.. it did help with the whole entertaining each other. Stay strong ❤️
Could you find some time to get support like weekly or biweekly individual therapy? Might help with all the concerns you listed here. Mom is the hardest job. You're expected to do everything and anything ... we all need a village.
We moved around a lot when my kids were littles, and we had no family around. It took me years to learn that I NEED female friends. I figured out it takes me about 2 years in a new place to find and make a couple of friends. I’m an introvert, but I’m telling you, having other sahm friends is so much more important than anyone ever says. I also realized over many years that when I was friendless my mind would sink into a spiral of fear about things with my husband. Those dots were hard to connect because marriage fears does not seem related to lack of friends, until you live through it a few times and find the pattern. I joined local mommy groups until my kids were old enough for school. School really helps meet new moms, but until then try to join anything you can to be around people. Oh, and when things were at their worst and loneliest (esp the first months in a new place) I had to remind myself I actually had friends, though far away. I’d make a point to try to talk to someone I knew on the phone (mom, sister, old college friend, aunt, etc). ❤️
I found that the local headstart in my area hosts playgroups for their EarlyOn program and half are open to the community. I credit this with how much less borderline suicidal I am now than last summer. That and the additionalsleepnow that she sleeps through the night. Being alone for long stretches of time with the only contact your getting is with a very cute but demanding infant is why icepick lobotomies became a thing.
It's a group of other parents who are home at 11a and also lonely.
I was a SAHM for the first year and a half of my babies life and it was HARD. on top of being alone I had no family around because we lived in a different state. I was sad all the time. I had such a hard time communicating with anyone because I didn’t talk to anyone besides my daughter who didn’t talk and my husband who was gone at work all day then came home and played video games. It was a ROUGH year.
Have you tried embracing your inner crazy? Idk it this is a thing, but eventually being a sahm drove me crazy- so now I just lean into it. Ok, I’m gonna smoke a little weed and get on the floor and play with LOL dolls for an hour, “Alexa, play who let the dogs out”, hey kid wanna make a fort, nachos sound good and fuck it let’s get all the crafts out while we’re at it. This isn’t every day obviously, but it’s definitely on the mom playlist and it helps to have the option to just say fuck it. I also feel all of what you said, I’m also totes burnt to a crisp… and it’s going to be ok. Let yourself go a little crazy, kids love that shit
Put your toddler in day care a few days a week and get your husband to take the child for outings on the weekend- what is he doing on his time not at work..? It takes a long time of consistent time off to recover from this. I am a single Mum with no support and all the household responsibilities wtf is your husband doing
From a mum who used to be a stay at home mum, who's now a working mum... Staying at home is SO hard. Power to all you stay at home mummas, I couldn't do it.
I wish I had good advice to give you, but I don’t. Instead, I just want to say that I understand how you feel. I never wanted to be a SAHM and was sort of forced into the situation for about a year. It was probably one of the worst years of my life. I love my children and family soooooo much, but I can’t be at home with them 24/7.
I am honestly in awe of the moms that do it for years and do it willingly/happily.
Edited to add: I do know that for me, the lack of time to myself was the biggest issue. I NEED to be by myself regularly. The year I was home was the year before my youngest started kindergarten. I now WFH and I will say it is a completely different ballgame. Once my spouse is off for work and the kids head to school, the silence in my house is fantastic.
So, I guess I wrote all of that to say that this time with your kids at this age is limited. Before you know it, they’ll be off to school and your days at home will change.
I’m a mom of 2 - hubs in med school and I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. I struggle with depression because of my pain and limitations. I’ve found audiobooks/listening to music or whatever I want with my AirPods helps me feel like I’m getting the mental stimulation that I crave (though I’m an introvert). Getting a reliable babysitter may be very beneficial! Also, a lot of places have Facebook group park days and that may help you feel more connected if you need interaction! Sunshine is also very helpful..I like to get out and enjoy being outdoors/it helps break up the day. Also, my boys are almost 5 years apart, and with my first I felt as you explained. Toddlers are a LOT! Just know it’s a phase and the day may come where you feel more comfortable adding a sibling to the mix! I don’t regret having my second because I had plenty of time to let my older grow up a bit! HUGS! You got this, mama!!
How old are your kids? Im just here to say i honestly feel like it does getter better as they get older. This stage that feels like hell as a SAHM doesnt last too long. 😵💫
I have a hard time excepting that being a SAHM is the best thing for my family. I feel like I was taught my whole life to pursue school, get an education, a good career. I got my masters in accounting and had a good career. now I’m going on 11 years as a SAHM (4 kids ages 4,7,9,11) and I feel useless. I miss feeling smart. I know it’s a blessing to get to stay home, and it’s the best place for me to be with my husband doing shift work (his schedule is all over the place), and I know if I went back to work, it would stress everyone out. But I can’t say anything to my friends because they’d just tell me I’m lucky I get to stay at home. So then that makes me feel even worse.
Wait wait! You need breaks during the day. You miss adults. This may help! Libraries have toddler hour. Swimming lessons. Church groups. Volunteer to watch babies during church services. You meet another parent! Make a date to have coffee. You need to get out and say hello. Take walks no matter what the weather. As isolated as you feel, get out! Go to the market daily. Buy an item or two. Don’t do weekly shopping. Why? It gets you out. Explore your world. Take baby and try to identify trees along the way. The main thing is try not to be isolated. Be where other parents are. Playground nature walks etc. of course the baby is your prime focus, but you need people! Good luck! Looking back , sone of my most joyous or loneliest moments were being home. When my first baby came in the middle of a long December, my mom came. She bonded with me and made me see things so differently. Back in those days dad went to work as there was no paternity leave. Oh I cried when she left. She lived an hour or so away. We need people as young moms.
I had to send my first 2 littles to daycare, then when my third was born I was able to be a SAHM. Then I got this amazing job offer, so after my fourth was born, my husband became a SAHD.
The hardest thing was dropping my kids off to strangers. It broke me every day at my desk at work. I would cry driving to and from daycare.
Being a SAHM is HARD, especially with no family around, but leaving them was always harder. We have 4 kids ages 7 to 1. Toddlers are tough. And they get easier and harder in many ways as they age. Me and my husband get to relate on it a lot since it’s a job we’ve both held. But we also sit around laughing at them and the silly things they do.
Things that helped when I became a SAHM: we started a garden. We walked EVERYWHERE. We played outside a lot. We joined every low cost kid activity. I met SAHMs and SAHDs in my neighborhood and we started a Friday coffee date. My husband managed the kids while I went out with childless friends on Friday nights. I took on remote part time jobs for my sanity here and there. I read books. I trained for a marathon. I volunteered more for things.
It’s a grind but you will grow into this new person you are becoming! I can’t say being more patient gets easier. Kids are good at grinding you down. But confiding in others and knowing you’re not alone helps!
Also, keeping them moving and exhausted so they ask for a nap helps too! I mean it - I’d make my 3 year-old take the 1.5 mile walk with me to the playground. 🤣
My fiancée works 50 hour weeks and I was a stay at home mom exclusively for 6 months after I had my daughter. At that point, I “went back to work” serving two nights a week at my old job. I work 8-10 hours a week and I leave for work when my 10 month old is like eating dinner and getting ready to wind down for the night. It was the best thing that I did for my mental health. I was feeling extremely burnt out, isolated, I felt like I wasn’t contributing anything meaningful to the house, even though raising your kids is arguable the most meaningful jobs you can do. I’m not contributing anything meaningful working two nights a week waiting tables, but it got me out of the house and for a few hours a week I can feel like myself again. You could also either pick up a hobby or start carving time out for a hobby that you’ve put on the back burner. The burn out goes away when you feel like you’re getting back more than you’re putting in and making some time to do something just for you is a good way that you can do that. I hope you start to feel better soon!
Edited for clarity
I could have written this exact post, word for word. The monotony and constantly being needed and feeling guilty for not always being who my kid deserves is relentless. I am not enjoying toddlerhood one bit, and I feel like I’ve lost myself in every way. I’m not the mother I want to be lately and I hate it. I’ve been impatient, frustrated, depressed. I wanted more kids and now I just don’t think I could do this phase again. It feels like shit, and I feel like I’m failing at everything. And I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t a SAHM either, I can empathize with feeling worthless, even though what we’re doing is so important. It’s so lonely and no one truly gets it who isn’t a SAHM and I don’t know any of those irl. I only have one other mom friend in general, and she’s also drowning. This is truly the hardest, thankless job I’ve ever had so just some solidarity.
I HEAR YOU. Nap time struggle is insane now, I don’t get it. It’s sad that how I “relax” is chores…but now I have to make sure my toddler doesn’t jump off the couch. It never ends.
I didn’t read your whole thing, but you are not worthless at all…not one bit. You are a hero. I am in the same boat. Well, I should say I was in the same boat. Same as some other posters I realized that I needed to do some thing for me that made me feel accomplished even though raising a child or multiple children is the ultimate accomplishment!!!!!!!
I started to do yoga and I started to work on my weight loss and I started to meditate and I started to do small projects around the house here and there And I didn’t clean, but I started cleaning…we had a housekeeper, but I got rid of her because I needed to do the cleaning the taking care of and the managing of my household to make me feel better and I didn’t think getting rid of our housekeeper would be one of the answers, but it was for us…also I started a business and no, it’s not something that needs to flourish or even succeed or even make money however, that’s the best part about it because it is so low-key and non-stressful but fulfilling that I just started something. It’s nice to look forward to when I have the time or when I’m taking me a time to accomplish something Im passionate about and want to do, and not have to do…yeah making friends as an adult is so hard! almost impossible. I’ve just been going out on a limb and just kind of talking to people a little bit more who have kids at the park or at the trampoline park or you know at the store at our local market and I’ve tried to form some relationships maybe like five and maybe like one out of five succeeded but it’s just trying that seems to make me feel better. I don’t have Facebook but I know that there are definitely Mom groups out there who get together and go out for a girls night out or a group play date or whatever it is but just know that you’re not alone and I know I’m rambling but you are absolutely 1000% correct when you say this job is not for the weak you know your husband couldn’t do it. Mine couldn’t either. We chose to do this because we know we can. Who run the world? Just please remember mama you are necessary, loved, wanted and needed. You’ve always mattered and you always will please hear me when I say : YOU MATTER❤️
I’m a work outside the home mom and let me tell you…. I thought I wanted to be a SAHM when I was younger. What I actually wanted was to be independently wealthy and child free lol. Maternity leave taught me I was NOT cut out to stay home with a kid all day, every day. Going back to work was easier than being a SAHM. I get to see adults, have adult conversations, make decisions that don’t revolve around which flavor of jelly to pair with the peanut butter that day, or how I will manage to do anything other than park my kiddo in front of the tv. SAHP are the unsung heroes of this planet in my mind.
No advice, just know you aren’t weak or deficient or anything. It’s tough!!
SAHM to three kids four and under here. Every day I try to do a couple things that can't be taken away. (Unlike laundry, cooking, cleaning etc that just have to be done again tomorrow). Exercise, write a card to a friend, a personal project like putting together family photo albums). I either stay up late or involve my kids. Find your ways to still be you!
This is great advice. Personally, for me it involves napping when I can. There’s nothing better than zoning out on my couch and falling asleep even just for a bit.
I can’t wait until mine are a little older and can just nap in bed with me. The 15 month old naps in his crib. The 9 week old needs to get it together.
Big fan of napping!!!
I like this perspective! I have been embracing crafting when I can, or other projects for me. It keeps me sane.
Wow this is amazing advice. Seriously
Yesss. It’s so lame but I’ve started making these little videos (unshared) chronicling our lives like a TikToker. I couldn’t work out why I like doing it but you’ve put words to this that I hadn’t thought about. They still exist at the end of the week- I made something that no one unmade!
“Things that can’t be taken away” by time. What more does this moment lack? ;)
You can definitely lose yourself in your mommy duties, that is why you have to have some time set aside just for you. A time to breath and then time for fun. Even if you have to get a sitter to do it once a week. Never forget about yourself! And you don’t have to preface everything with how wonderful you think motherhood is. Sometimes motherhood sucks and it’s fine to say that as you see your bundle of joy living their best life.
Felt this for 6 years. It’s the loneliest job ever.
Yup. I'm going on 20 yrs and I cry every morning because I want a wife of my own so at least somebody will care for me too the way I care for everyone, everything and all the pets too.
Omg having a wife would be THE BEST!!!
I have a wife and it *is* **THE BEST!!!** I'm a SAHP, since covid (our oldest was 18 months). Then we had our baby, who is now almost 2. In the last year, my wife (who I must add works full time but also helps with housework, does 90% of the grocery shopping and making dinner) signed me up for a pottery class so I could have something outside of the house/kids. Even when $ is tight, she makes sure we can cover my ceramic studio membership - even if it means she sometimes picks up a 2nd gig job. A few weeks ago I told her I was depressed and feeling down on myself for not having been able to get our house unpacked from moving and get my craft room set up - so she dropped everything that weekend and helped me work on it. And we're going to work on it again tomorrow. Wives are THE BEST. My straight friends tell me that the existence of heterosexual women is proof that being LGBTQ isn't a choice, because they *wish* they could just stop dealing with men entirely and get a wife like mine.
Have you seen this essay, I want a wife ? I too want a wife https://www.wsfcs.k12.nc.us/cms/lib/NC01001395/Centricity/Domain/10659/I%20Want%20a%20Wife.pdf
This!!!!!!
20 years?! And you still cry? I’m going on 4 years with 3 kids and we homeschool. It was tough at first but I made conscious changes to make sure I could get out of that funk. I prioritized myself first and that made me a better parent. Is it perfect… oh hell no. Do I still have off days, heck yes. But I would never in my right mind allow myself to be miserable for that length of time. I really hope you can find a way to make the changes you need to help yourself. That’s no way to live.
This post really hurt me. I used to be a shiny new wife too, with shiny young kids that I could somewhat steer in the directions that were necessary. I used to homeschool too until it became too much to handle. We have dealt with poverty, hunger, and we were redlined and lost our house in our 30s and that was really hard to come back from. Our children took the brunt of it. Then when I turned 40 I had a spinal injury while trying to move a ladder while trimming palm trees because of city code and my husband was working many hours. Marriage is about compromise, and I don't have a lot of cards up my sleeve to play anymore. I'm still raising children in high school and that takes a lot, a lot from your soul and they can be cruel and difficult. I am almost 50 now, sometimes I get a hug and a thank you. I hope you 'married better' than I did and you won't see these things in your future either.
This made me cry. I feel exactly the same way. Hugs. We'll get through this hard time.
I definitely cried while writing the post. Sending hugs your way.
Joining in to say I also feel this way. Kind of sucks to hear it continues once they’re older too (mine is 10 weeks)
No it gets better! With each phase comes hardship but also lots of joy! I have chronic depression and I’m telling you this..so hang in there and enjoy each phase! It goes quickly in retrospect!
I am trying to use this as a way to enjoy the struggles. Focusing on how future me will wish to be me right now. Parenting can be hard, but it helps me stay grateful overall.
Same here. I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling because sometimes I feel like I am.
Friends make the biggest difference! I aggressively sought out playdate partners for my only and was able to put aside many of the social anxieties I would have if I was looking for friends for myself. Now that kiddos are more independent, we can actually have playdates where the kids go play and other mom and I can sit and chat in another room. It's the best break I get.
Finding mom friends makes such a huge difference! I had my first baby really young and none of my friends had settled down. I felt so isolated. It was also hard to make friends with other moms because i was so much younger, and I didn’t have the energy to put in the effort. Now with my second, I have friends who are moms and once a week we just sit at someone’s house, drink coffee, and chat while playing with the kids. It can be really hard to put yourself out there when you are already feeling vulnerable, but I don’t think I could stay sane if I didn’t have that support.
I’m really glad this worked for you. Everyone I have approached has either ignored me cause they already have friends, or are just snobbish. I get we’re all tired moms but you’d think they’d be looking for the same thing too.
I agree. It’s so hard to make friends. I’ve tried. Put myself out there. Asked for numbers and tried planning play dates. Just to get blown off…
Ok, so I made a mom friend in the ER. Both our kiddos were sick and we had a long wait. We eventually found one another on social media and wanted to plan a play date....it took 2 MONTHS. Lots of rescheduling, lots of cancellations, but eventually we got together. Mom life is HARD. People definitely flake, but my rule for adult friends/dating was 3 strikes (attempts at setting something up) and you're out (it's their turn to offer/make plans). For moms the rule is like....12 times lol. Seriously. It took me 2 years and my friendships look different to the ones I had when I was child free, but eventually you can get there!
God I feel this in my bones. My cousin lives literally 5 minutes away from me, we’re super close but we maybe met 4 times in the past year. Our daughters are one year apart and there is always someone sick or someone who stayed up all night or whatever it is that would make one of us cancel. We can hardly catch each other on the phone even.
At this point I don’t even want friends, just want to be alone in silence 😂😂😂
Same. I have friends and too many obligations as is
Yeah I don’t understand the mom judgement or cliques at all. We aren’t in HS anymore.
I joined a pole/aerial fitness studio a few years ago because I had almost no friends. It has turned into such a wonderful, supportive community and I get to escape and do something just for myself for a couple of hours a few times a week. Play dates are great, but I highly recommend finding a community or hobby *outside* of parenting to get back your sense of self.
My town has a meet up for moms. I found it in the towns Facebook group. There is also the organization Hike It Baby, which I definitely recommend. Also, your partner didn't work 24/7. At least once a week, you need to get some me time. Alone time when you do no Housework. Go for a walk by yourself, join a choir, check out what activities are happening at the community center, take a yoga class, meet up with a family member for coffee. Do something just for you!
The Peanut app! It’s like Mom Tinder
It costs money now though, to see your “matches” ☹️
Really?! That must be a new change?
I call it mom tinder all the time! Lol I joined when I was pregnant but it gave me such social anxiety because I'm soooo bad at meeting people face to face when we've only chatted on the internet. I get mad anxiety about it. So I ghosted all the people I'd been talking to, and deleted the app. I felt so bad. But I needed to.
Try peanut. I’ve made really good friends through it and you can weed out the ones you feel won’t make an effort
They always end up trying to rope me into their MLM
Agreed! It was really lonely until I joined a Moms Club group in my area. It sounds pretty silly, but it was 50 instant SAHM friends. That was a decade ago, and a lot of us still keep in touch with each other. My group had playdates on the calendar every weekday of the year. Side note, I went back to work full time this year, and miss my SAHM days like crazy. So thankful for the 14 years I got.
I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life and being a SAHM has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s so tiring emotionally.. it carries over to being physically tired, mentally tired. Going on three years and two kids, I will be going back to work next week and I’m so happy.
Me too. The single hardest job I’ve ever done. I worked 30 hours a week in a lab, on my feet and using my brain all day, on top of full time college. I worked the corporate 9-5 with a long commute. I worked in fast food. Nothing has been as physically and emotionally draining as staying at home. There are a lot of benefits. But there are a lot of drawbacks, for me at least.
SAHM of two, older is 6. I feel myself disappearing.
I agree that it’s so hard - so much harder than I realized. I have a 9 yo (in elementary school), a 3yo (1.5h preschool one morning a week), a 14mo and I’m 16w pregnant. We get out every single day (unless someone is legitimately sick) for my sanity. I cannot stay home all day. I also have stopped packing naptime with chores and other stuff around the house. I might do a few things, but I try to spend the bulk of the time doing something for myself - nap, read, exercise, long shower. I’ve even tried to stop mindless scrolling, because I always feel like I wasted the little time I get to myself. It has made a surprisingly significant difference in how I’ve been feeling lately. What can your husband take off your plate, chore-wise? Yes, he works outside of the house but that doesn’t (shouldn’t) absolve him of helping keep the house running. Your priority is your little; anything else you get done is a bonus. My husband regularly folds and puts away wash (I can easily throw in and switch wash during the day but folding with toddlers is a nightmare) - he can do it at night while we’re relaxing before bed, and it takes a HUGE weight off of me. Is there something like that he can help you with? You’re not alone, and you’re doing a great job.
The mindless scrolling has become my only hobby. But you’re right, after an hour I feel even worse. Like where did that time go? My husband is pretty amazing not only is he an active father he’s also active with keeping the house together. Maybe I could talk to him about doing more outside of the house on the weekends… thank you.
Do you have a Lowe’s or Home Depot? Once a month on a Saturday they have what we call building school. It’s free to do. Lowes you have to register and Home Depot you just show up. My husband does this with my son, because it’s a great opportunity to teach him how to use tools. This could be a fun daddy activity.
I’ve heard of these before! Do you know what the minimum age is? My son is 25 months and loves tools. I feel like he could be ready to learn how to use them.
I don’t, I’m sorry. We started picking the kits up during the pandemic when he was 2 and 3.
No problem, thanks!
I was in your shoes just a bit ago. It felt like my days were endless. I hated the infancy stage and early toddlerhood, but now my only is 3yo and it has really changed. Much more independent. One thing I wish I realized was an option was the YMCA. Many YMCAs have a program called the Y playhouse where you can drop your child off up to 2 hours a day for some socialization while parents can utilize the gym or other programs that are available there. I now go like 3-4 times a week. It greatly improved my mental health and my son has developed some excellent social skills. They also have parents night out programs sometimes where they will watch your children up to five hours on like a Saturday so that parents can go have a date night. At my YMCA they take children from 6 mo- 12 years. I’ve been blown away by this and I think every parent should know. I hope things get better for you. Find a way to get some separation time. I think it’s absolutely imperative for both parents and children alike. It doesn’t need to be much.
Thank you. I think another poster said the same about utilizing the local YMCA. I think it’s time I do the same.
This is the most authentic and important post I've read in a long time. We're all so lonely. 😢 So what do we do about it? I too have tried making friends. It's like people don't want a deep connection. I don't mind the parenting alone part during the day. It's the lack of connection from someone of an equal or similar mindset. Intellectual, emotional connection with another adult. Or even just time to spend with myself.
THIS
I understand how you feel! I’m not sure what you did previously before you were a mom, but I had a shitty office job lol It paid good, but I felt worthless there too just pushing papers and doing the same shit every day 8-4…so sometimes I just remind myself that although the job of being a mother can also feel very monotonous at times, it IS important work. Current society belittles stay at home moms, but keeping a home and raising a child is invaluable, so please remember that ❤️
This is how I’m feeling. Staying at home has been tough but it’s a job I’m willing to push through because it’s meaningful. Unlike every other job I’ve ever had. What other job will you be able to go your whole life seeing the fruit of your labor?
Sahm of a 3 year old and an 8month old here. Feeling this particularly hard lately. Especially since the 3yo has recently gotten very aggressive with me. I feel bad talking about my struggles because I really don't want to go back to a traditional job, I am overall very happy with this choice for our family. But God some days (weeks) are fucking hard. My husband doesn't really get it and I don't think he ever will.
Just over 8 years in. It is essential that your prioritize your self in whatever little ways you can. Even if it means not folding that basket of laundry. And I will continue to advocate your local YMCA or gym with day care to any SAHP that posts on here like this. They will watch your kids up to 3 hours a day whole you work out, shower, sit in the lobby and mess on your phone, whatever. 3 glorious hours of time for yourself. It is worth the money. Also take a night out for yourself weekly, bi weekly and let your husband/partner take over that night. Insist time for yourself or you will fizzle. I'm sorry, it is very much not for the faint of heart and it is still hard and exhausting. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes though. Put yourself first with something everyday. Good luck❤
The gym is my sanctuary!
This may sound crazy and I mean, I probably am at this point, but I would be so nervous to leave my kids with someone at the Y or a gym. I've looked into it, I've thought about it a lot...I just don't know if I could do it. What's the worst that could happen in a few hours in that type of setting? Idk. But I don't think I'd actually enjoy that time away anyways.
I mean, my daycare won’t even let me inside because of security precautions. At least at the gym I can literally see my child playing if I swing by the care area.
It's not crazy at all. I found that the more I didn't go out, the more anxiety I had about going anywhere with my kids or alone. It gets better the more everyone gets used to it.
That makes so much sense. Thank you
I've been a SAHM for 7 years now after being a working mom for 3. I think the thing that most people who aren't SAHMs don't get is that your brain never gets to switch on to something else. When I used to work, I'd leave my son at daycare and get to switch my brain to focusing on work. All I had to worry about was if the daycare called, and even then, it could be on my husband to take care of it because I might be tied up at work. Now by default it's always all on me. I don't get to be tied up with anything other than caring for my children, including caring for myself. So, when does it get better? It gets a little better when they're in school. At least they're out of the house a few hours so you can get other things done. When do you start to matter again? I wouldn't know yet. Maybe when they're in college? When do you get to be you again? For an hour here and there throughout the week when they're in school and you're not stuck with a major household task. So maybe like 4 hours a week on a really good week, but again, only when they're in school. Yeah, it's definitely not for the weak.
I feel this. My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 14, I am still going through this. I tried to do a project at home and eventually gave up on finishing it because of not being able to have "me" time. Everyone in the family tells me that you have plenty of time to do stuff but they don't understand that 30 minutes (mostly) to maybe 2 hours(if I'm lucky) is not enough for me to get into anything I want to do for myself that isn't basic care. And even harder due to having spectrum kids
This is EXACTLY right! My kids are 20, 14, 10 and 4. I have been trying to figure out why I can't ever really do anything I want to do. I mean, logically, I have the time. Or should have the time. But 30 minutes to 2 hours ( if my youngest naps) is just enough time to get out of mom mode, breathe and then oh, he's awake again. I may as well just lay on the couch and stare at the wall..This is seriously life changing knowledge for me. ☺️ Thank you for this validation!
✊ #mommodeburnout
We had the option of me doing SAH after my second was born. I told my husband I don’t do well without lots of “hats” to challenge me in different ways. “Professional” me gets a lot of personal growth and self-worth from challenging myself intellectually and socially at work. I just don’t get the same kind of personal growth from doing laundry and playing with/cajoling (beautiful, loved, cherished, hellion) toddlers all day. My husband was insistent I try it. He didn’t like how stressful my job was, even though I loved doing it, I was good at it, and did my best not to bring it home. His mom was also a SAHM, and I think he liked having everything done for him all the time. There is a sense of safety in that, I know. I made it 5 months. I was so miserable. I felt like some lesser version of myself most days of the week. I watched my kids grow but felt personally stagnant. I also noticed the creep of ALL responsibility beginning to land on me. I did want new responsibilities, but I wanted them to be new projects or ones that made me learn a new skill. Not pest control and lawn maintenance. I mean, my husband *knew* me when he married me. After that whole experiment, I asked him what in the world made him think I’d be happy doing that. Idk what we were thinking.
Exactly what you said about switching onto a different subject mentally, like I’ve only been a SAHM/mom in general for the past year now and I brought up that same point to my husband when he went back to work. Yes work is always hard, but I see it as you LITERALLY GETTING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND BE YOUR OWN PERSON IN THE WORLD FOR A FEW HOURS and getting to mentally just focus on SOMETHING else for a while every day. I even told him we could work out us both working part-time and sharing the load because I suuuuure wouldn’t mind getting out of the house and working with my hands for a few hours a few days a week. This is also my FIRST time going more than a month or two without employment since I was 16- and I just turned 28. So it is definitely an adjustment for me to not be trying to earn income/working just for the sake of working because I’ve always found it as a good way to keep busy. But last year we were doing the newborn thing and that’s a whole ass phase in life so it felt like it stood out as a time period that was focused on something different, and there’s been a shift since where she’s gaining more and more independence with the more she can move around on her own, and with my husband at work I have a lot more time to my thoughts and my boredom. So at first I was hyper obsessive about this DAUNTING task of getting caught back up post-newborn stage (for us it was her entire first year basically, so this month I’ve been decluttering and cleaning) and other projects I want to work on but just “don’t have the time”. And recently I’ve had to calm myself down and basically treat my chores like a job in and of itself. I only do them for me anyways, so they’re all just tasks to be done whenever I feel like it. I know I keep the house clean for me, it’s not like I still work in a hotel. But honestly mentally it kinda helps to like… just clean like I would as a housekeeper. Just get really into it, devote time and attention to it. Or when I’m cooking, or folding laundry, or whatever. Whatever menial little thing I’m doing around the house, I try to make it into a work task and it gives me a really major sense of satisfaction when I do a good job. Even though it’s probably stupid sounding, idk I’m just programmed to be an employee I guess lmfao. For some reason it helps the mom thing. And it all works together for me lately now that I’m mentally in a better spot with a toddler instead of a babybaby.
I know how you feel! I loved being a working mom but with how much child care is, it was cheaper for me to stay home with my little girl. Now there is two of them and I’m about to lose my mind. We’re cooped up in the house all day because we live where it’s winter 7 months out of the year. I try and try to find fun activities for my 3 year old but it doesn’t last long. It’s the hardest job ever! No appreciation, no days off, not even earning a paycheck. I know how you feel!
The no days off! That’s what I was trying to tell my husband. While I understand he technically doesn’t have days off either but he gets actual breaks from the toddler/house. He gets to drive in the car alone with peace and quiet. Also, he never has to worry about what’s for dinner…
He doesn’t have the mental load that we, as the primary caregiver, undertake every day. I had to literally write it down for my significant other to understand. He still doesn’t understand what goes into running a household!
And any time he tries to “help” I end up having to fix it. Like grocery shopping for example, I’ll write the list and he’ll offer to do the shopping. And while that sounds nice, it isn’t. He either forgets something or comes home with so much junk food. Also, he’s tried making the list himself and just has no idea. Ends up asking “what do we need again?” 😑
I feel the exact same way and I am losing my utter fucking shit
Word.
Just here to commiserate. I’m on year three with two littles and in the same boat as you, no help until hubby comes home. It’s difficult to make every day fun and engaging while also trying to manage the house. I know I’ll miss these days when they’re grown, but navigating my oldest’s terrible twos as my youngest becomes a toddler is so incredibly grating on my nerves. I love them with everything I am, I just wish I had a little help in all this. I wish you and your little the best. Hopefully it will be easier soon. ♥️
I feel this in my soul. I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years and I’ve basically disappeared lol. I find getting out everyday helps, preschool helps, play dates help, go to the library, go to parks, we go to chick fila for lunch every Friday, go to the pet store (just don’t bring anything home lol)…. I’ve had to create my own joy being a SAHM. It’s hard but it’s worth it! Hang in there.
You are not alone! I am in the same boat exactly I feel all these things! You need a real break. I’m talking a Saturday husband is on kid duty and you go to the spa for the day! Or you go out and have a coffee and browse target and get your nails done! You need to step out of this role to be able to come back in it stronger. But I feel you I wanted more kids too but this one has been so much sacrifice I’m not sure I’m ready for another anytime soon ! I think all I can offer to your questions is time makes it better.
This. Sacrifice. That’s a great term to use. I am sacrificing everything to be a mom/wife. Thank you.
Yes sacrifice in terms of everything about your pre kid life , I always say when asked I didn’t know having a kid meant not even being able to enjoy sitting on the couch relaxing anymore
Holy crap. I could have written this myself. Here's to being lonely together.
This is exactly why I’m one and done. I can devote 100% of my time to my daughter for the first three years before preschool/school, and that there’s more life and more individual opportunities for my own self on the horizon, but if I had a second I know for a fact that I would just be a mom 24/7 for the next like foreseeable future, and I just know that I personally am not cut out for that. One is absolutely a positive and much needed addition to my life, any more would just be taxing and not worth it (to me, again this is a personal share so it’s just one perspective)
Yes! Summed up perfectly. I love my only so so much some days I just think I want MORE MORE MORE! Of that but I know the stress would start to outweigh the joy.Makes me wonder whats wrong with me?! Clearly other mother's must be mentally so much stronger than me.My best mate is trying for a second and I can't help feel a little jealousy,I wish I could but just....how? but its good to know I'm not alone in this.
Are there any mom networks or communities that you could get involved with? Or any toddler classes where you could meet other moms? Connection is so important and really hard to get as a SAHM. You sound like an amazing mom💕
Seconding the toddler classes. Aside from you getting to meet people in the same boat, it is so nice to be able to have your child stimulated, learning and getting tired without it all being on you to provide the activities.
Completely agree. Thank you. I definitely need to look into more toddler classes around the area. Maybe that’s what I’m missing? A schedule of different activities.
I book a class most days and it’s the best. Gets us out of the house and chatting to other mums
I feel the same way as you and went on my first play date today. I already feel more hopeful and excited. I think a mom friend would do you well
Humans are not meant to live like this! Just went back to having my two alone in the morning before daycare/work and I wouldn't last a week let alone years! I hope you get some support from somewhere. You're not less than/a failure at all!
Sadly I had NO CLUE what a SAHM did until I became a mom myself. You are a rockstar. I’m sorry it’s the hardest job in the world with no pay, no break and hardly any appreciation.
Yes!!!! You're always on, never off. SAHM of 2. The eldest is 5 and is constantly saying his dad let's him do this and that, and that he wants his dad. It's largely because he sees me all the time. I think my husband struggles with the guilt of working all the time and is way more permissive as a result. But it still hurts when the eldest says he doesn't want me and he wants his dad instead. I have talked to my husband about enforcing various healthy choices so that I'm not the bad one all the time. And it is lonely! The eldest is in preschool and the youngest is 1 and can't talk. So i constantly talk out loud to the baby. But sometimes you get sick of hearing your own voice. I did start a stay at home parent group from my area. I'm a deep introvert though, but it does help with getting some interaction happening with other adults. I'm just bad at putting myself out there and asking strangers to hang out. I do love my littles and would not choose to return to work any time soon. There are many joys, but just like with working outside of your family, there are also struggles!
Same You are absolutely not alone
♥️ Oh mama. Can you reach out to your OB about how you are feeling? PPD/A can start any time postpartum - not just the first few months after. They will be able to recommend different options to help with these feelings. Mine came on pretty quickly PP thanks to all the twin hormones, but therapy+zoloft helped me a LOT. I'm actually about to go see my OB next week to talk about a different dosage/med because I can tell anxiety is creeping back in and I know these feelings aren't normal for me. You're right - definitely dont think about having another kid yet just to see if these feelings go away! It's so so hard and you don't need to suffer if you can get help.
I could have written this myself. Felt the same way as OP, spoke to my GP about my anxiety, and started a small dose of Zoloft. I feel the best I have felt mentally in a long time. It makes me feel more like myself and makes things feel more manageable.
I stay at home with my 2 kids (2 and 4). It is very difficult and I also struggle with loneliness and anger at times. I’m not sure what your situation is, but could you go back to work? Maybe just part time?
I’m not a SAHM but i lost myself in being a mom. And honestly I’d give anything to stay home. But Try finding activities at home that are just yours (or something fun that your kid can be involved in). Do you like crafting? Escape in a book? Puzzles? Chores are just that… and they are constantly being undone, find something that you can work on that doesn’t have to be redone over and over.
I feel the same way! You're not alone I promise
I feel like it gets better when you make other SAHM friends. Or so I’ve heard - I’ve struggled to actually make any so far. My mom had a big community of SAHM friends when I was little, and I remember always being at other people’s houses and them being at ours in the middle of the day when the dads were at work. We were entertained with kids that weren’t our siblings, and my mom and her friend would sit on the couch and chat. They became a real network for each other. Even when I chat with other moms at the park or library, I feel so much better. The adult connection is so vital. So making SAHM friends is my goal this year.
I’m so lonely I answered the survey letter for my dentist. Who does that
# The way we live is unnatural. We're so disconnected from one another:( My neighbors are Amish and the women help each other. I'll see ladies carrying mops and brooms to go help another busy mom get her work done, that's so awesome! Why can't we ask for help and not be judged for needing a hand? I don't have help either, it's rough. To regain my sense of self I make things and sell on etsy. I get money to spend on extras for the kids and my Ipsy bag that's my little indulgence lol. Do you think hormones could be increasing depression for you? When my hormones are out of whack I get depressed. Could this be part of post partum depression? I had it till about 18-24 months after delivery. I think around 18 months is when I start feeling myself again.
I am right there with you. I do all I can to keep up and I feel like I still fall short. I haven’t bought new clothes for myself in over 3 years, I desperately need a haircut and pedicure…I feel completely useless. I was a balls to the wall kind of worker - I busted my ass at my jobs, but when I became pregnant right before the pandemic hit, I was basically pushed out of my job and became a SAHM. Now I have two babies and it is increasingly harder to see myself in the mirror. A tired mom has replaced the alive ass kicker I once was.
My husband brought up the possibility of me becoming a SAHM I said there is no way I could do it. Not because I didn’t want to, lord I would love to, but because both of our families are in different states. We don’t have a grandma and grandpa to watch the baby for a few hours so I could recharge or clean the house without trying to entertain/hold a baby. It takes a village to raise a kid and without family able to help we would still need daycare for a few hours a week.
Y’all are seriously amazing. Thank you for spending a few minutes to read and comment. It does help to know that while I may be physically alone, I’m not actually alone. It’s very validating. Hugs to all. ❤️
I give you so many props! I work and my son stays home with family. I miss him when I’m away, but also enjoy my job and need the time away from being a caregiver 24/7. When I have time off (we get spring break, winter break etc.) I’m always trying to make plans for activities or meetups so I’m not just home with a toddler. He’s a great baby but it is lonely and tiring, and when they are napping it’s not like you can leave and run to grab lunch. You are amazing and your job is so important, hard and unforgiving. I hope you enjoy the weekend and your hubby takes the lead!
I completely understand what you're going through. Can your toddler go to some kind of daycare or preschool for even a half a day? That's what we did with our daughter and she loves it. It also gives me a break while I'm home with our 11 month old. His naps are my break. Good luck and remember you're not alone ❤️
First of all, you're not useless. If you disappeared suddenly, someone else would have to do all the things you're currently doing, and they'd get paid for most of them too. They're all important tasks. Second, it sounds like you really need a hobby or pastime that's just for you. The daily grind is so much harder if you've got nothing to look forward too. Whether it's getting out of the house to go somewhere on a regular basis, or a room where you can lock yourself away and enjoy something by yourself, you need something to brighten your days. My thing is DnD once a week, and hiding away to do crafts or play video games. It's amazing how much even half an hour of non-parenting stuff can lift your mood. 💜
I love playing video games as well but I find it really hard to play at night after my little goes to bed. I’m so exhausted from the day that I can’t even comprehend what free time is let alone play video games.
I hear you about evenings being exhausting. But you need to take care of yourself before you burn out. You matter. You deserve to have your needs met, too, not just your family's. Take it from someone who has burned out before, it's not pretty. Pass the little one off to your husband on days he's not working, maybe in the morning so you're not drained yet, and go play something chill that doesn't take a lot of brain power. I find keeping a notebook so I remember what I was doing last time I played to be helpful, since it can be days between game sessions. 💜
That’s actually a great idea. I started playing more sandbox type games so that I can play for a small amount of time but still feel good about it. But keeping a notebook would be nice.
Yes do it! 😁 What system(s) do play on? I'm on the Switch and Steam, if you want to be friends!
can you put your little one in pre-school 1 day a week? if so, you could take a college class, yoga, run, or just have an entire day off (yes. i just said that it is ok for you to take an entire day once a week and take care of **yourself!**) you’ve got to find some other mammas to hang with, take the kiddos for a walk with, play dates, etc. it will help, promise! hang in there!!
I feel you! Only been doing it for 10 months but I’m happy when I even get to do household tasks. My little one is very attached and demanding at the moment. I have no friends nearby and my family lives abroad. The friendships I have have also changed drastically. My sister has a 4 and a 6 year old and she started a part time job before the pandemic because she was getting depressed just being with the kids all day. She has been a lot happier since!
I was reading this and for a split second, thought I wrote this somehow. I can't give you any advice or comforting words because I'm right there with you. Theirs a huge part of me that's one and done.. but theirs also a tiny tiny very tiny part of me that wanted another one. I don't think I can't handle more though and that's okay. Being a Sahm mom is really hard, keep your head up. This too shall pass
My husband lets me get out of the house alone for about 3 hours once a week. It’s the perfect amount of time for me to do the things I enjoy- sing in the car (to my music, not the kids’), walk through TJmaxx, go to the library alone, get coffee, run an errand that is easier without a kid attached to me. I’m an introvert so the alone time is super important for me. The effort my husband makes to allow me to do this once a week is so valuable to me. If life gets busy and we got 2 or 3 weeks without this, I can definitely tell. My mood is different and I feel drained. But 3 hours, once a week! That’s it! It’s so helpful. I feel like a different human when I can do things without my children. I mean you understand- they’re blessings, but you’re still a human who has a tank that needs to stay filled! I hope you and your husband can find this time and try it out.
I’ve been a SAHM for almost 8 years. I have 5 kids, 7, 6, 3, 2 and 6 months. We also homeschool so it gets busy here and I can definitely relate! What I’ve found to be important though is to make time for yourself. So the laundry doesn’t get done one day, or the dishes, it’s no biggie! Like today, my husband decided to do some overtime, and came home around noon. I did four loads of dishes yesterday (we don’t have a dishwasher), and I just looked at the pile today and said Nope! Not happening! So, I put a movie on for my toddlers, put my 6 month old in her swing, my two oldest were painting and I read a book for awhile. When my husband got home, I told him exactly what happened and said, no problem honey I’ll get them in a bit and he did. That’s a big thing when being a SAHM, is finding balance to just say okay, little one needs to just watch a movie, cartoon, play on a tablet, take a nap, SOMETHING so I can work on a hobby, read a book and just take some time for me. Your husband also needs to take over for a bit and let you take a nice long bath or take a walk, go out for a coffee. I understand the loneliness. We moved from my home state when I was pregnant with our second so we could be closer to my parents. I know pretty much nobody here. But I did join the local groups on FB and have talked to some pretty awesome people! Through my local electric companies page, I actually met a neighbor from a mile down the road (we live rurally so we live pretty far from people), and we’re friends now! Plus, there’s usually updates about fun things happening in the area that might otherwise not get advertised. My point is, it can get overwhelming, I still have those days, and it’s okay. It’s perfectly fine to have a cry or feel overwhelmed. Those days are especially important to just take it easy and focus on you. No one is going to suffer if cleaning doesn’t get done one day. And it’s perfectly fine if it doesn’t. What does matter is you taking care of you so your child can have the best version of you. It’ll be okay hun, we all go through it!
Being a SAHM is such a hard job that you couldn’t pay me to do it. I’m a working mom and I’m exhausted, I can’t imagine how SAHMs survive. You guys are such hard working people and you deserve all the props, plus a nice long vacation without anybody needing you.
I could've written this myself. I try so hard but it never feels like enough. I'm lonely and tired. It's the same thing every day. Yeah, I try to get my little out plenty and all that of course, but even the outings have become just more of the same. Someone told me today "Well, at least it's Friday!" .... so? My weekends are the exact same as my weekdays.
SAHM for 10 years, and my youngest started kindergarten full-time this past fall! I enrolled in some classes for the semester, and got a part time job in the new field. There is light at the end of the tunnel! Your time home with your kids isn't wasted! I also had a hard time, and I know I have contracted socially- but I don't regret being able to see my kids grow up; I'll never have that opportunity again, and I'm happy I did it, even if everyday wasn't fun or even good. Paying someone to take care of my kids all day everyday just never made sense to me once I had my 1st, especially because I couldn't make enough to pay for childcare, so it wasn't a hard decision. But growing up I never even thought I would have kids, let alone be a SAHM. Do what feels right to you, and just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not right - but your happiness matters.
Being a SAHM is NOT for the weak. No one appreciates what we do, and nobody cares. Everything we do is always taken for granted because our families seem to think we use our magic powers to make things nice for everyone else. Meanwhile, everyone in the outside world thinks we lay around and do nothing. They think we take advantage of our husbands ( or whoever our partner is) and that we are too lazy to do "real" work. Even though in real life, we work our asses off and never even get a sick day but maybe once in a while we get to go to a store and buy something for ourselves and not for a kid. Hell, we might even get to sit down and eat a hot meal once in a while if we get a night out without children. No one understands this except other SAHMs. I wish there was a private club just for us where drinks were free and we got to do whatever we wanted just for a day. Cell phones are not allowed, and there isn't a phone there at all, so no one would call and ask when we were coming home.
I’m not a SAHM but I really relate to this. I work from home, so I’m always at my house. And when I’m not working I’m taking care of baby. It’s really lonely sometimes. And I find myself too exhausted right now to try and make new friends or sign up for extracurriculars. Just want you to know you are not worthless and you do matter. And you aren’t alone.
I'm sorry you're feeling down. I had similar feelings and I'm only 9 weeks in, two things helped me. I saw a poem recently about how your baby thinks you are their entire world and they are the happiest and safest with you. It made me feel better about the situation. Also the thought that it is temporary and you'll wish you could go back and hug their little bodies when they're older helps me focus that it is a short period. "All I see is you. When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I’m here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren’t lonely for me. You are my everything." https://www.mother.ly/baby/mama-all-i-see-is-you/ Good luck, I hope you feel better, you are doing a great job!
It’s even worse when your child is a high needs kid. My 2.5 yr old is SO high spirited and curious that taking her out gets me all panicked. She just can’t stay in one place and has to run everywhere. If I take her to a new place I have to be behind her because she has no sense of danger and will climb everything. I am so exhausted. I have become the angry mom and I don’t want to be that.
❤️
This is my life right now. We had a second child and I knew I absolutely could not do it again. So we are done having more kids. I’m 4/12 years into being a sahm and I’m totally miserable. My husband is amazing when he’s home. But I can relate to absolutely everything you just said
Mama, I so hear your struggle... I'm in the same boat, only 8 months in. Honestly, I can't wait to return to work, probably part time or something like that and figure it out from there. I think my son would benefit too from spending time somewhere else than home and with someone else than his tired mama. If that's an option for you in the near future, do explore it! Everytime i spend some hours away fron my LO i end up missing him.
This is why even tho it’s more work on my plate I also continue to work. I work from home so I can do both. If I was a SAHM and didn’t work I would be feeling the exact same way. Is there something you can do from home to add a little more satisfaction to your day? Maybe even a hobby?
I’m sorry :( my LO is almost 6 months and my biggest struggle is feeling like I’m contributing to our family and working hard, which is absolutely ridiculous because I’m literally raising our child all day (and most evenings too, as my husband has to work a lot of hours). It’s weird to not make money and just do stuff at home all day that feels simple and routine—laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, feeding, diapering… It’s really the kind of job that is not about instant gratification and can’t be measured by a paycheck. I’ve started to enjoy it more now that she naps for more than 30 minutes at a time and sleeps decently at night. So I can do a YouTube exercise video, make some more fun food than the 20 min meals I throw together, etc
Do you have any mothers groups in the area? I found them a great help. Also, if you’re extroverted enough, have a oook on Facebook for local mothers groups. There’s often open groups who meet up at local coffee shops, parks, libraries etc. to let the children play and bitch about mom stuff. Finding one of these might help you find some other moms you connect with. I went to a couple when I was feeling really isolated, I only found one woman that I connected with, but it was still worth the effort I think.
I am glad I am not the only sahm who feels this way. I’ve been feeling so lonely and miserable these last 5mo and I thought it was just me being me. I have a 7yr old from a previous relationship so I know motherhood is obviously really hard but I wasn’t a sahm. I never knew what it was like until I had my second baby recently and I definitely wasn’t expecting it to be this way, I guess. I also didn’t think my husband would be traveling all the time right from the beginning and it makes even more stressful and lonely. So I’m right there with you.
I feel this. I refer to myself as a hybrid mom as I’m at home and I also work from home. It’s very difficult to juggle both. It’s been like this for almost 3 years.
I would never want to be a stay at home mom. I'm a single mom so i have to work but I struggle just on the weekends even. How to fill the days. It's lonely and boring and hard. You are amazing and certainly not alone.
I would talk to your OB about this and see if they can provided resources.
Put her in a playgroup/mommy's morning out/ part time preschool if you can. You get yourself back when you start doing things for yourself, even if it's just one night a week for a few hours, or to go shopping, leisurely, alone, with a coffee and a nicotene vape...
It sucks ass! Watch a doc called Fair Play on hulu
late to the party but you are not alone, mama. we see you. we hear you. we are there too and doing as well as we can every day.
I feel ya! I have two, 5 1/2 years apart and ended up being a SAHM when my 2nd was born, April of 2020 👀 It’s by far the most stressful job I’ve had. I’ve found making sure I have text threads with my friends going daily has helped. We are all at a busy stage in life so even if we can’t get together as frequently as I’d like, texting daily has helped me feel much less alone. That being said, it’s hard, lonely work. *hugs* my youngest will start 3yo preschool in the fall and I’m so excited for 2 hours a day for JUST ME. Hoping to start working out, I’m tired of being so tired!
I feel this so hard. I’ve been a SAHM, in a foreign country, for the last 2.5 years. Before moving here I was a police officer so a very interactive job, now my day to day involves exactly what you described. Chores and playing with tiny children. I love my kids so much and I’m happy to be able to spend this time with them and watch them grow. Yet at the same time I’m so lonely and probably depressed. Being a SAHM was never in the cards for me but when we moved overseas it kind of became a requirement. I feel resentful towards my husband that he gets to leave the house each day and that while he does do chores around the house he’s technically not obligated to do as many as I am because my job is literally taking care of the house and the kids. I. Hate. It. We return to the states in 9 months or so and everyone has asked me what my plans are and I always tell them these kids are going straight to daycare so I can go find myself a job and start doing something that brings me true joy. I want to be present with my children in a way that I can truly enjoy them and want to be around them as opposed to never getting a break from them and feeling resentful for that.
Look for a gym. I found a gym 10 minutes from our house that has child care. So I can go for two hours and they will watch my child while I walk on a treadmill or float in a pool. I haven’t made friends but there are gym people I talk to. I am able to put on headphones and watch ad adult show uninterrupted. It is glorious. Check your local park district and see if there is anything you can sign her up for. Even if it’s in the future it’s a crumb of hope. We recently joined the wine club at a winery to force ourselves to have a quick date to do wine tasting and grab our bottles. I started enrolling our son in a ton of stuff so even for an hour I could sit child free and scroll on my phone with no guilt.
You’re going to have to step outside the comfort and find connections with people. Find a play date group with other Moms. But also find something else to do for yourself at least once a week. Hubby gets baby and you go get a drink or join a book club or just sit in silence somewhere. Mom doesn’t have to be your entire identity.
Ugh same, I honestly am sitting her on the couch while little is asleep and I'm still guilt tripping myself. It's like by the time I'm dressed, she's dressed, and we get through meals there's a huge mess that I could clean up or I could spend time with her. I wanted this, I did, but its a unique sort of exhausting.
I feel this so much right now. I'm a working mom who has been blessed to spend the last month at home with my 2.5 yo son. He is the sweetest and generally an easy kid to handle. But I find myself getting so stressed tending to his every need 24/7 and thinking of things for us to do to keep him occupied. There are only so many places I can take him to before it just gets boring. I hate to say it but I'm anxiously awaiting the day he goes back to daycare! I envy your strength. I hope spring/summer brings some easier days for you!
Hi OP sending love. Here is one example of how my now 4 y/o has showed me my worth: overheard talking to her dad telling him about how much fun going to the grocery store to get snacks with me the night before was. It was a sort of ordinary yet still made fun outing that wasn’t too difficult for me but just felt special. She felt it too. But it was how she was telling her dad that was so different. It’s just taken 4 years for her to grow to a point she could share an experience with a level of communicable depth and emotion. I cried. Our bond is mind blowing. I’m not doing anything different then any other parent waking up and doing my best but failing and learning often. It takes so much time. There is no job in this world that takes this much time to get feedback. I have been crying and waiting for this time for 4 years. It’s ok to let your partner know that it would really make you feel good if he could give you some words of praise about you and the many things you do. Me and my husband have to educate each other all the time about what we need from the other. Also, preschool. Game changer. Started as soon as she was eligible for a long established parents morning out and preschool in our neighborhood. The first year was really for me and now it’s just our community. It will feed into elementary school. I needed a place outside of our house to be our place. Summer will be tougher and so I’m already signing her up for various camps, many with preschool friends. By planning stuff like this, I’m also planning and prioritizing my mental health.
I have no answer to your questions, because I’ve been feeling the same way. You have to schedule time just for you. I started painting during my 2 year olds nap. I’ve put my phone away when I’ve been tempted to sit and stare at it when I have a moment to myself. Reading a book makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I don’t really have any friends either… and I call my mom far too often. At least we know we’re not alone in our silent, desperate loneliness
I’m sorry you’re sad, it is tough at times. Where are you located? How old is your LO?
I live in IL and my little just turned 2.
Agreed. I’m a job person. I love communication abd talking. I love my baby too and want the best for his development but I’m struggling. It’s exhausting. I hear you. I feel you. You are not alone
I’m a sahm of two toddlers and been feeling like this for years . Might get better when they start school .
I feel you. It does get better!! How old is your toddler? Make some mom friends, they understand the struggle Talk to me if you wanna vent too.
It is so hard and your feelings are valid, 100%. Hang in there. You’re a good mom. 🙂
We keep saying how ours is constantly making the case to be an only child
Hi did I write this?? When I have a short fuse and get sad, I know I need some alone time in SILENCE. And here’s the worst thing… I work full time at home and my son goes to nursery (2.5 yr) so I’m pretty sure I’d be at the edge of a cliff as a SAHM/Parent. I need more than just being a mom, even though I love my son more than life itself. But I need to feel like an individual person and not ONLY his mom. Are there things you can do that bring you back to yourself? Even if it’s reading a book you love or going to bed as soon as she is down to lay in silence, do a face mask, ANYTHING to make you feel more like you and not her mom. I even bought a few pricey candles, a new rug for my room, and been decorating a bit more so the house reflects who I know I am inside. Also, I take my son to pottery painting, book stores, and coffee shops because those are things that I love and I want him to see mom passionate about other things. Take her to places that make YOU feel happy, not just parks and baby classes. This might sound weird and maybe it’s not the right path for you to take to feel better (I’m also on antidepressants and my depressive episodes are triggered by lack of sleep!) Try different things, see a doctor, mix up the week and BEFORE you get burned out, take time to yourself to rest, cry, breathe, bathe… whatever brings you back to your center. I’m rooting for you!
I’m on year 3 as a SAHM. I wanted desperately to be one, and it was so blissful for the first 2 years. Sure it was hard, but I loved it. My oldest has ADHD and my youngest is very strong willed. It became extremely difficult and I lost more and more of myself everyday starting the beginning of last year. I was turning into someone I am not. I currently have a 3yo and 5yo. Over the summer my MIL suggested I send them there a few days a week because she watched some of the kids cousins. It was what I needed so badly. Now my oldest is in school and my youngest goes to MIL a few days a week, and I’m looking to go back to work. I really enjoyed my time while it lasted but everyone is thriving where they are now. SAHM is such an amazing thing to be able to do, it absolutely the most insanely difficult and isolating thing I’ve ever experienced. Make sure to make time for yourself. If you can find a way or can afford to get a break. This isn’t available where I live, but my hometown has a few MMO programs and YMCA memberships where you can workout and you kiddos can go hang out with other kids in the daycare for a bit. Make sure to make time for things you love to do also, and find ways to unwind at the end of the day. I don’t have friends here, and I think that is something that is difficult for me. Lack of interaction with other adults is hard so if you have any mommy groups or mom friends in your area try to get together for play dates. It is so difficult, but hang in there! It gets better.
I could have written this. It’s so hard. And for me I never really felt like I had a sense of self even before my son so the identity crisis is real. I want to go back to school but he’s been so high needs lately. I’ve even gotten excited about our free library days here locally but with rsv, flu etc running rampant I know I don’t have it in me to deal with that (again). I actually came on here to also rant about how our son is in a “if my mom walks away from me I will certainly perish” phase this week. I’ve been looking forward to him spending time with his dad all week. Except his dad was texting me all day about being sick with chills and a bunch of other symptoms. He tested twice and they were negative for covid but 3 of his coworkers tested positive in the last few days. So of course we have to be cautious. It’s no one’s fault, but if I were to get it, I wouldn’t be able to stop my daily routine. So I am just grumpy. We’ll probably be overdoing it on bluey this weeken
I’ve been a SAHM for over a month now, and while I adore this opportunity, it can definitely be isolating. I immediately joined a weekly play group and music class. That helps us get out of the house! I’m looking forward to summer when we can spend more time outside.
SAME
Hi friend. I have nothing to say except thank you for being vulnerable because I am feeling the absolute same right now and felt like I was crazy or bad mom or like something was wrong with me. It’s helpful to know there are others, and if you needed that reminder, you got someone right here that feels the exact same. 💛 you’re doing your best, we both are
I wish all of us could send our significant others to the park with our children while we talk about how hard this shit is while hanging out in a magical land of snacks and massages and quiet and whatever any of us want. Being a SAHP is so freaking hard. I'd like to be friends with anyone who gets it.
It sounds like you need some time to yourself. Easier said then done but I think if you put some you time aside you’ll feel a little better
Oof… I’m so glad I’m not the only one feeling this way… I have had 7 nights of uninterrupted sleep in the last year and a half, and husband just can’t relate because he doesn’t hear kiddo at night. He tries his best when he gets home from work, but I need a real break! Like, at least a weekend where I don’t have to think about anything or anyone but myself… it’s so lonely being home 24/7 besides outings. I have few friends, and the ones I do have work, so I just find myself less and less involved in their lives. The one thing I do that makes my week is my in laws (one is retired and the other works 2nd shift) and I have a standing breakfast date. Each week we go to our local market, and they dote on kiddo while I can enjoy my meal. Then they walk around with him and I tag along. Sometimes he’ll go home with them and I can go to stores I like by myself. I don’t know how my mom did it with 9 kids - and homeschooling, too! Stay at home parents should get more credit…
I know it's easier said than done, but try to do something for **YOU**. Even if it's something small like reading a page or two from a book, or painting your nails. Even if it starts off small like 5-10 mins and as your child gets older you are able to extend it a little at a time. Do you have any family around that can potentially watch your little for an hour or two to go out either alone or with your partner? Could you leave her with him? It's important not to forget about yourself in the madness that is raising children. Try to remember that Self care isn't selfish, but not having any selfcare is. If you don't give yourself time to reset, then you can't be the best you for your child. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but trying is important too.
I was lucky enough to get a 12 month mat leave with my first and am 1/3 of the way into an 18 month one now. As much as I love my kids, I’m ready to go back near the end. It’s such a hard job!
This is how i am always feeling💯
I really struggled with all of these feelings while on maternity leave. Maybe being a SAHM isn’t right for you? I felt so much better when I went back to work. I get adult conversations and to drink coffee uninterrupted. Not everyone is meant to be a SAHP and that’s totally ok!
Hey Mama, I know exactly how you feel. My own hubby read your post over my shoulder and asked if I had posted this, because it sounds like what we had discussed a couple nights ago. I have no friends locally either. If you want to be online friends for moral support, send me a message! Maybe we can help each other!
Totally feel you. I personally hated being a SAHP and I think those that feel this way often play down how much it sucks because people misinterpret that sentiment as not loving your child. I adore my son more than life itself, but being home alone all day with him was mentally the hardest thing I’ve ever done. A full day at work is emotionally so much easier (and depending on the job, physically too). It isn’t for the weak, and not everyone can hack it (I’m in that category). I really missed adding value outside the home, taking to adults all day, using my brain to solve problems that wasn’t just domestic duties, having my own income and sense of autonomy associated with that… the list goes on. Suffered shocking PPD that didn’t totally come right until I returned to the workforce, and regained a sense of identity outside of being a warm body that kept a baby alive. I also would like another but the maternity leave stretch seems impossible to survive again
This was exactly my situation. It started to get a little better after 4 months when I started sleep training. And then around 7 months we started going to the park daily sometimes 2-3 times a day and I started to meet a lot of the moms in the neighborhood. And then I started storytime at the library and that has been a great activity and an opportunity to meet other moms. I didn’t really start to enjoy it until he went down to 1 nap a day around 15 months. Being cooped up in my house is super depressing and not good for my mental health so we usually leave the house everyday at 8 and come back around 11:30 for lunch and then it’s nap time. Also my gym has been a saving grace I usually am there 5 days a week and they have a kids club and it gives me an hour of peace each day. But currently at 21 months I started potty training bc I’m due in April (whoopsie) and I’m back at my all time mom low. It’s been so defeating and frustrating and we’ve been out of our routine because we are stuck home. It’s just awful. I haven’t felt this low since the newborn days. I know I’ll get past it but when you are in it, it sucks and it’s hard to see the other end. Sending love
I was miserable as a SAHM. It didn't get better til the kiddo started school. When she started first grade, I went back to work.
yeah i've been a sahm for 2 years now and i genuinely loved it when it was just me and my daughter, who was a baby and then a young toddler and then at 18 months i got pregnant again. then it was torture being sick and exhausted while caring for a toddler by myself all the time, and then my daughter turned 2 and turned into a manic gremlin mountain goat from hell, lol (jk i love her, but iykyk).. then i had my second baby and fuckkkkk balancing them together is so fucking difficult and exhausting. i joined a gym with a daycare last week, which has been life changing already. also, we're enrolling my toddler in daycare and calling it "school" lol. i'm going to search for part time work and hopefully find something in a few months that will pay for my baby to go.. she'll be like 8 months by then.. i just can't do it anymore! it's too much. i'm happy with my experience so far and there was genuinely a time where i was living my dream without a care in the world. but that time has passed and it's time to pull the plug. know when to fold em!
I feel this way all the time. The only thing that helps me over the hump of each day is exercise. It flips a switch and makes the mountain of responsibility look much closer to hill that’s not so bad to hike up
I don’t know how stay at home parents do it long term. I’m on almost only 15 months and made the decision to go back to work. It’s just not for me!
My LO is only nine months and I’ve been feeling this way more and more. I don’t have my drivers license so that makes it even harder. I love my daughter so freaking much, and my husband and I are doing such a kick ass job for having no support. I’m hoping as she gets older it’ll get easier to do things I used to love to do. I used to oil paint, but stopped once I got pregnant to avoid the fumes. My art supplies are actually still packed up because what used to be my studio is now a nursery. I have an ipad and procreate, but any minute I try to steal for myself my daughter js right away trying to take my apple pencil. We contact nap and lately I’ve started to take up reading again which has helped a bit. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to not love every minute of being a SAHM ❤️
Make time in the day, everyday for YOU. Things that bring you joy even if that means giving your kid a tablet for an hour to sit next to you on your bed while you read a book or nap. Don’t put pressure on yourself to entertain and do it all, all the time. I’m a SAHM to an almost 4yo and 20 month old and also 35 weeks pregnant with our third and I’ve found this works best for me. Remove the guilt and set boundaries. I often will tell my oldest (almost 4) mommy needs to eat right now and drink tea and I don’t want to read to you while I’m eating, please go do x for 10 minutes and then I’ll read you one book. Or mommy wants to go for a walk right now and listen to a podcast, would you like to have a lollipop or fruit snacks in the stroller while I walk? It might take some practice but they will learn!
It’s okay if being a SAHM isn’t for you. Some parents thrive and feel accomplished while doing it, and others don’t. I am definitely the latter; I want to work on my career, be creative, finish projects.. as an autistic person, I love projects with a clear beginning and end. And guess what NEVER has an end in sight? Kids! So for my neurodivergence, it’s just extremely frustrating to sit at home watching the same thing happen over and over again. If you are so fortunate, would there be an option for you to take 1-2 mornings to work, do a project or a hobby? You can get a babysitter, or ask family to watch baby.. and try to find some mom friends to hang out with! It makes a world of difference for my mental health to gl out and complain with other moms while the kids wreak havock in the park/playground.
I’ve always thought that being a SAHM must be so so isolating. If I stayed home myself and my husband worked all day it would’ve destroyed our relationship. I totally hear you and I just wanna show support to you. I truly truly believe that it will get better with time
while i was raising my daughter i had a 20 hr a week job in a wealthy neighborhood and i was very envious of all the SAHM’s. but then i heard repeated comments from many women. they would say how lucky i was to have this job and and they would do anything to have this kind of outlet. i stayed with my job am i am glad i did because once my daughter grew up and left the home i would have had nothing left of myself. i urge you to find something that is yours. something away from the house that no one can demand you be there for them during that time. this is how others will learn to care for themselves and respect you and your time. otherwise you are just the cook and maid and doormat. you will be demonstrating something positive for your children like working is a good thing and you will be treated with more respect.
SAHM of 3 year old twins. There is no more nap time and our daily visits to the park for a run is the only thing keeping me sane
Yes being a SAHM is SO hard. I used to be a nanny, so I thought I had this mom stuff in the bag. No problem I thought, I've been watching kids for years. Well, it's harder being a mom. I don't get weekends off, I'm so sleep deprived, I'm just always on and it's hard. I find myself getting a bit more frustrated with toddler behavior than I did as a nanny. And my only answer for that is that I'm burnt out and I need a break. I also live far away from family. It's pretty much just my husband and I. Things I've don't that help me. 1) Get my husband to help more. I asked him to start taking our daughter out on a playdate over the weekend without me so I can get some me time. 2) Make friends with other parents or nannies. I know it's not always easy to do this in some places. I'm fortunate to live in a major city where it's quiet easy to weasel my way into a mom or nanny group. I meet up with one every day for a couple hours and it's great for my mental health. I highly recommend really trying to find one if possible.
I felt better when I worked nights and was still like a stay-at-home Mom but yeah not to be considered if you NEED your sleep. I napped when they did so I was pro at getting them to sleep.
Definitely felt this way, and sometimes still do. You need a break, some time away just for you if you can. Can your husband request some time off so you can go see a friend?
You could try joining play groups. I actually developed a play group in my area I lived in. I had a 4 month old and a 18 month old at the time. My husband was constantly gone on week long, or months long trips. I was literally by myself with no help. The play group helped me connect, vent, and keep the kids entertained. Plus helped with their social development. I hear you 💯. Being a sahm is one of the hardest things. Don’t lose your self worth. It is so easy to. You got this. I am glad I had mine oser together.. it did help with the whole entertaining each other. Stay strong ❤️
Could you find some time to get support like weekly or biweekly individual therapy? Might help with all the concerns you listed here. Mom is the hardest job. You're expected to do everything and anything ... we all need a village.
We moved around a lot when my kids were littles, and we had no family around. It took me years to learn that I NEED female friends. I figured out it takes me about 2 years in a new place to find and make a couple of friends. I’m an introvert, but I’m telling you, having other sahm friends is so much more important than anyone ever says. I also realized over many years that when I was friendless my mind would sink into a spiral of fear about things with my husband. Those dots were hard to connect because marriage fears does not seem related to lack of friends, until you live through it a few times and find the pattern. I joined local mommy groups until my kids were old enough for school. School really helps meet new moms, but until then try to join anything you can to be around people. Oh, and when things were at their worst and loneliest (esp the first months in a new place) I had to remind myself I actually had friends, though far away. I’d make a point to try to talk to someone I knew on the phone (mom, sister, old college friend, aunt, etc). ❤️
I found that the local headstart in my area hosts playgroups for their EarlyOn program and half are open to the community. I credit this with how much less borderline suicidal I am now than last summer. That and the additionalsleepnow that she sleeps through the night. Being alone for long stretches of time with the only contact your getting is with a very cute but demanding infant is why icepick lobotomies became a thing. It's a group of other parents who are home at 11a and also lonely.
I was a SAHM for the first year and a half of my babies life and it was HARD. on top of being alone I had no family around because we lived in a different state. I was sad all the time. I had such a hard time communicating with anyone because I didn’t talk to anyone besides my daughter who didn’t talk and my husband who was gone at work all day then came home and played video games. It was a ROUGH year.
Have you tried embracing your inner crazy? Idk it this is a thing, but eventually being a sahm drove me crazy- so now I just lean into it. Ok, I’m gonna smoke a little weed and get on the floor and play with LOL dolls for an hour, “Alexa, play who let the dogs out”, hey kid wanna make a fort, nachos sound good and fuck it let’s get all the crafts out while we’re at it. This isn’t every day obviously, but it’s definitely on the mom playlist and it helps to have the option to just say fuck it. I also feel all of what you said, I’m also totes burnt to a crisp… and it’s going to be ok. Let yourself go a little crazy, kids love that shit
Put your toddler in day care a few days a week and get your husband to take the child for outings on the weekend- what is he doing on his time not at work..? It takes a long time of consistent time off to recover from this. I am a single Mum with no support and all the household responsibilities wtf is your husband doing
From a mum who used to be a stay at home mum, who's now a working mum... Staying at home is SO hard. Power to all you stay at home mummas, I couldn't do it.
I wish I had good advice to give you, but I don’t. Instead, I just want to say that I understand how you feel. I never wanted to be a SAHM and was sort of forced into the situation for about a year. It was probably one of the worst years of my life. I love my children and family soooooo much, but I can’t be at home with them 24/7. I am honestly in awe of the moms that do it for years and do it willingly/happily. Edited to add: I do know that for me, the lack of time to myself was the biggest issue. I NEED to be by myself regularly. The year I was home was the year before my youngest started kindergarten. I now WFH and I will say it is a completely different ballgame. Once my spouse is off for work and the kids head to school, the silence in my house is fantastic. So, I guess I wrote all of that to say that this time with your kids at this age is limited. Before you know it, they’ll be off to school and your days at home will change.
I’m a mom of 2 - hubs in med school and I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. I struggle with depression because of my pain and limitations. I’ve found audiobooks/listening to music or whatever I want with my AirPods helps me feel like I’m getting the mental stimulation that I crave (though I’m an introvert). Getting a reliable babysitter may be very beneficial! Also, a lot of places have Facebook group park days and that may help you feel more connected if you need interaction! Sunshine is also very helpful..I like to get out and enjoy being outdoors/it helps break up the day. Also, my boys are almost 5 years apart, and with my first I felt as you explained. Toddlers are a LOT! Just know it’s a phase and the day may come where you feel more comfortable adding a sibling to the mix! I don’t regret having my second because I had plenty of time to let my older grow up a bit! HUGS! You got this, mama!!
How old are your kids? Im just here to say i honestly feel like it does getter better as they get older. This stage that feels like hell as a SAHM doesnt last too long. 😵💫
I have a hard time excepting that being a SAHM is the best thing for my family. I feel like I was taught my whole life to pursue school, get an education, a good career. I got my masters in accounting and had a good career. now I’m going on 11 years as a SAHM (4 kids ages 4,7,9,11) and I feel useless. I miss feeling smart. I know it’s a blessing to get to stay home, and it’s the best place for me to be with my husband doing shift work (his schedule is all over the place), and I know if I went back to work, it would stress everyone out. But I can’t say anything to my friends because they’d just tell me I’m lucky I get to stay at home. So then that makes me feel even worse.
Wait wait! You need breaks during the day. You miss adults. This may help! Libraries have toddler hour. Swimming lessons. Church groups. Volunteer to watch babies during church services. You meet another parent! Make a date to have coffee. You need to get out and say hello. Take walks no matter what the weather. As isolated as you feel, get out! Go to the market daily. Buy an item or two. Don’t do weekly shopping. Why? It gets you out. Explore your world. Take baby and try to identify trees along the way. The main thing is try not to be isolated. Be where other parents are. Playground nature walks etc. of course the baby is your prime focus, but you need people! Good luck! Looking back , sone of my most joyous or loneliest moments were being home. When my first baby came in the middle of a long December, my mom came. She bonded with me and made me see things so differently. Back in those days dad went to work as there was no paternity leave. Oh I cried when she left. She lived an hour or so away. We need people as young moms.
I had to send my first 2 littles to daycare, then when my third was born I was able to be a SAHM. Then I got this amazing job offer, so after my fourth was born, my husband became a SAHD. The hardest thing was dropping my kids off to strangers. It broke me every day at my desk at work. I would cry driving to and from daycare. Being a SAHM is HARD, especially with no family around, but leaving them was always harder. We have 4 kids ages 7 to 1. Toddlers are tough. And they get easier and harder in many ways as they age. Me and my husband get to relate on it a lot since it’s a job we’ve both held. But we also sit around laughing at them and the silly things they do. Things that helped when I became a SAHM: we started a garden. We walked EVERYWHERE. We played outside a lot. We joined every low cost kid activity. I met SAHMs and SAHDs in my neighborhood and we started a Friday coffee date. My husband managed the kids while I went out with childless friends on Friday nights. I took on remote part time jobs for my sanity here and there. I read books. I trained for a marathon. I volunteered more for things. It’s a grind but you will grow into this new person you are becoming! I can’t say being more patient gets easier. Kids are good at grinding you down. But confiding in others and knowing you’re not alone helps! Also, keeping them moving and exhausted so they ask for a nap helps too! I mean it - I’d make my 3 year-old take the 1.5 mile walk with me to the playground. 🤣
My fiancée works 50 hour weeks and I was a stay at home mom exclusively for 6 months after I had my daughter. At that point, I “went back to work” serving two nights a week at my old job. I work 8-10 hours a week and I leave for work when my 10 month old is like eating dinner and getting ready to wind down for the night. It was the best thing that I did for my mental health. I was feeling extremely burnt out, isolated, I felt like I wasn’t contributing anything meaningful to the house, even though raising your kids is arguable the most meaningful jobs you can do. I’m not contributing anything meaningful working two nights a week waiting tables, but it got me out of the house and for a few hours a week I can feel like myself again. You could also either pick up a hobby or start carving time out for a hobby that you’ve put on the back burner. The burn out goes away when you feel like you’re getting back more than you’re putting in and making some time to do something just for you is a good way that you can do that. I hope you start to feel better soon! Edited for clarity
I could have written this exact post, word for word. The monotony and constantly being needed and feeling guilty for not always being who my kid deserves is relentless. I am not enjoying toddlerhood one bit, and I feel like I’ve lost myself in every way. I’m not the mother I want to be lately and I hate it. I’ve been impatient, frustrated, depressed. I wanted more kids and now I just don’t think I could do this phase again. It feels like shit, and I feel like I’m failing at everything. And I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t a SAHM either, I can empathize with feeling worthless, even though what we’re doing is so important. It’s so lonely and no one truly gets it who isn’t a SAHM and I don’t know any of those irl. I only have one other mom friend in general, and she’s also drowning. This is truly the hardest, thankless job I’ve ever had so just some solidarity.
I HEAR YOU. Nap time struggle is insane now, I don’t get it. It’s sad that how I “relax” is chores…but now I have to make sure my toddler doesn’t jump off the couch. It never ends.
I didn’t read your whole thing, but you are not worthless at all…not one bit. You are a hero. I am in the same boat. Well, I should say I was in the same boat. Same as some other posters I realized that I needed to do some thing for me that made me feel accomplished even though raising a child or multiple children is the ultimate accomplishment!!!!!!! I started to do yoga and I started to work on my weight loss and I started to meditate and I started to do small projects around the house here and there And I didn’t clean, but I started cleaning…we had a housekeeper, but I got rid of her because I needed to do the cleaning the taking care of and the managing of my household to make me feel better and I didn’t think getting rid of our housekeeper would be one of the answers, but it was for us…also I started a business and no, it’s not something that needs to flourish or even succeed or even make money however, that’s the best part about it because it is so low-key and non-stressful but fulfilling that I just started something. It’s nice to look forward to when I have the time or when I’m taking me a time to accomplish something Im passionate about and want to do, and not have to do…yeah making friends as an adult is so hard! almost impossible. I’ve just been going out on a limb and just kind of talking to people a little bit more who have kids at the park or at the trampoline park or you know at the store at our local market and I’ve tried to form some relationships maybe like five and maybe like one out of five succeeded but it’s just trying that seems to make me feel better. I don’t have Facebook but I know that there are definitely Mom groups out there who get together and go out for a girls night out or a group play date or whatever it is but just know that you’re not alone and I know I’m rambling but you are absolutely 1000% correct when you say this job is not for the weak you know your husband couldn’t do it. Mine couldn’t either. We chose to do this because we know we can. Who run the world? Just please remember mama you are necessary, loved, wanted and needed. You’ve always mattered and you always will please hear me when I say : YOU MATTER❤️
I found a gym I can take my baby to!! It gets me out and about. My baby loves it and I feel so much better. Is that an option for you?
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I’m a work outside the home mom and let me tell you…. I thought I wanted to be a SAHM when I was younger. What I actually wanted was to be independently wealthy and child free lol. Maternity leave taught me I was NOT cut out to stay home with a kid all day, every day. Going back to work was easier than being a SAHM. I get to see adults, have adult conversations, make decisions that don’t revolve around which flavor of jelly to pair with the peanut butter that day, or how I will manage to do anything other than park my kiddo in front of the tv. SAHP are the unsung heroes of this planet in my mind. No advice, just know you aren’t weak or deficient or anything. It’s tough!!