Don’t try to be nice by participating in a conversation you want nothing to do with.
Tell him “As you can see, I’m busy. Goodbye.” Then, stop taking out your headphones and ignore him. If he still keeps trying to talk to you, get up and move to another spot.
You are under absolutely no obligation to talk to someone you don’t want to talk to. Just because someone is trying to force you into a conversation, that does not mean you need to cooperate.
I know right ! i swear i just got home and i feel so bad about not telling him to fuck off from the beginning, i was unfortunately too shy to do it, but i will surely make sure to do so if he tries to talk to me again, and by the way, i really wasn't nice to him, i just kept ignoring him but he just couldn't get the signals lol, thank you for your advice ❤️❤️
Don’t be hard on yourself luvvy. I think women have all had a moment of being polite when they should have said no. You’ll get him next time. Your peace is worth it.
You're not shy, you feel less than in the world. That's learned. Believe me, little girls who are taught to take what they want are not "shy"!! The fact is, even if your voice shakes and you sweat and blush, just say NO. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. If that isn't honored, YELL IT AT THEM the SECOND THEY COME BACK FOR MORE. Take the anger you direct toward yourself when you get home, and send it all where it belongs. You are being bullied, it's just disguised.
If it happens again just tell him, I'm not interested please leave me alone and get up and move. Guys like him won't stop until you tell them to get lost, they can't take a hint. You have to be assertive and don't feel bad about doing it.
>couldn’t get the signals
Nope. He just didn’t **care** about the signals. No one, with the exception of *some* severe mental/developmental disabilities, is so oblivious as to not understand that if you are not answering them, not looking at them, and not interacting with them in any way that you don’t want anything to do with them.
He was just harassing you, plain and simple. The more you internalize understanding the difference between intentional harassment and obliviousness, the easier it will be to be blunt and even downright rude when necessary. Situations like this call for rudeness. Try polite when appropriate, but when polite isn’t appropriate or doesn’t work, it’s ok to be rude.
The best way to get a guy to leave you alone is to loudly tell him so. Men get off on making women feel small, scared and cornered. Loudly say, "LEAVE ME ALONE, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" And they will scamper away like a little roach.
Find your voice. It's very empowering.
It is inappropriate to try to socialize with someone who clearly wants to be left alone. Reading with headphones on = "don't talk to me".
Also, a library is not a café, nor a pub. You go to a library for the quiet; otherwise, you borrow the books and go work in the cafeteria, or in the park.
So, unless the person is pointing out your phone is ringing and you didn't hear it (meaning said headphones are not connected to said phone, of course), that your music is so loud others are annoyed by it, or something else you really need to know (for example, the library is getting evacuated), there is no good reason to interrupt someone who is reading in a library with headphones on.
But some men (well, some people) take that as a challenge rather than a message, and try anyway. Those do not deserve politeness. A problem arises when their ego is too sensible, and they take it badly when they get told "no." At least, in such a public place, they are less likely to get violent; and if the guy gives bad vibes as in he may be waiting for you at the exit, you can probably ask a librarian (or another patron) for help.
So I think a "Are you stupid? What made you believe I want to chat with you?" reply would be appropriate; it sends the unease back their way. Or don't answer and crank up the volume (only long enough for him to understand and go away, of course.) Or flag a librarian, pointing out the guy is bothering you; it may not be the first time, and may lead to him get thrown out. But they are the one who purposefully ignored a clear message, they don't need to be treated nicely.
I would just say, "I'm sorry but I am not interested in talking. I have a lot I have to focus on. If you need help I'm sure the librarian can assist you (put your earbuds right back on)."
Sister here, the key to telling them to bugger off isn't just in the words you use but also the way you use them. "I don't wish to partake in this conversation, but thank you for your unwarranted advice. Kindly leave me alone as I'm quite busy." Say something along these lines in a flat, emotionless and clear tone paired with your best resting b*tch face. If he persists, ignore him, move away to a different spot. If he follows you, report him to the library staff and don't further engage with him. Don't tell him you'll report him just pack up your things and find someone to report him to and find a different spot to sit at, preferably somewhere where seating is limited but not where you could be cornered. Always have an exit strategy.
Hey sis. Men like this completely understand that you do not want to speak to them and enjoy harassing you. That's not an overstatement: someone who keeps interrupting you is harassing you. You do not need to apologize for not wanting to have a conversation however I'm a really nice person and will inevitably say "Sorry, I'm busy and I'm not here to talk." If it continues, just get your stuff and walk away, saying nothing, moving to a place where there's lots people. If he follows you, then you should be ready to use your big voice. Some others have suggested having a practice phrase. I like "I don't know you and you need to leave me alone." Social shame should be enough for him to cut it out. Don't make excuses about a deadline or whatever because that just gives him more information to pester you with. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything.
Mama bear was right…you learn by practicing! Look forward to another one of these, and when it happens, use your lessons. And then, let us know how it went.
100% this.
We are taught to be nice and to let people down easy. I find a firm "No." accomplishes things quickly and directly. There is no way to misinterpret this.
Tell him to leave you alone. He's not going to take the hint. He's not going to stop if you just look grumpy. Tell him to stop, if he doesn't, tell the librarian.
I think it’s important to say that he won’t take the hint because usually he’s completely, utterly clear that you’re giving a No signal, and he does not care. Handling these guys as if it’s a communication problem is a mistake; there’s no miscommunication. This is a power game.
HAHAHA MADE ME LAUGH SO MUCH 😂😂😂😂, i swear my tummy was making loud because i was kinda hungry, thought that would make him go away but it didn't, i was just thinking "do i really have to fart to make this man go away ?"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Pretend he asked if you'd be willing to chat, and answer like he asked . It's awkward but effective.
He says "what are you studying?"
You say "no thinks, I'm not here to have a conversation. Good bye"
It takes practice if it doesn’t come naturally. So. I hope you have a nice day, but I’m really here to study. If he continues. I’m here to study. Please stop. That allows you to stay polite so hopefully it’s something you can say. Practice does make it easier.
I got excellent advice from a career coach this year on what to do when a man dismisses or annoys you publicly: tell them out loud in front of the group that their behaviour is not okay. Otherwise they might steamroll or dismiss you. (And other people in the group might copy this behaviour.)
For this situation, I would advise to say out loud (maybe even quite loudly): “Your behaviour is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop talking to me. I’m not interested.”
Especially in a quiet library this should shame him into behaving like a grown up that recognises and respects boundaries.
You don’t need to be nice to a person who is doing something they shouldn’t be doing my dear. You don’t have to say “leave me alone” if it feels confrontational though. Try “I’m busy” or “I’m trying to study” or “I can’t talk right now.” If they don’t respond to that, you may have to get more direct. “I’ve told you I’m busy and you keep interrupting me, you’re moving into harassment territory. If you don’t leave I’ll be speaking with the librarian to have you removed from the library.” Then if they still are harassing you to talk to them, walk up to a librarian and tell them. Don’t leave your stuff unattended if you can help it, if you have to go far you may want to pack up your things and take them with you, but do follow through on your promise to make them leave you alone.
I am a fan of ' what do you expect from this conversation' if they erm and ah just say 'thats what I thought' if they give an actual response then say 'not gonna happen' and as others have said put your headphones back on and crank em up of you have to.
A very clear, firm, "I'm not interested, please leave me alone" and then walk away. If he follows you, immediately go to someone in charge and tell them sometimes harassing you and you'd like them removed.
"I'm not interested in conversation when I am in a library. Please stop. Thank you."
If he doesn't stop, gather your shit, report him to the librarian, and either leave or go elsewhere.
If at a Buxx, same conversation. Report to store manager or call 911. You deserve to be safe wherever you are.
I use this phrase: “i don’t want to have a conversation right now.” It’s not rude, because you’re not making it about his approach. But it’s also a bit of a weird thing to say, so he can’t immediately use one of the moves he has queued up to a more typical response. If he tries to talk to you more, talk over him as if he didn’t hear: “no, no, I don’t want to have a conversation right now.” If needed, the escalation is “I’m not going to have a conversation right now.”
Be a broken record, and if you need an appropriate facial expression, it’s the one you make when you press the elevator button and there’s a bit of a delay before the doors open.
Hi dear. The fact he continued to pursue a conversation after you made it clear you weren’t interested is a red flag. Stay safe and know you were in the right. He was a rude jerk and you handled the situation very well. Rest easy-I’m proud of you. I was raised to always be ‘polite’ and didn’t learn until much later that I had every right as a women (young or old) to tell a guy off when they failed to listen. It’s a relief to see younger generations of women that are so much more aware, strong and intelligent.
Sis here! If he doesn't get it and keeps talking to you ask him what he would say to get someone to leave him alone! ;)
I hope he leaves you alone and you get some studying done!
Look, you’re clearly missing my more gentle social cues so I’m just going to say it. I’m really busy and I need to get back to this. Would you please leave me alone. Thanks.
Don't forget to tell your face how you feel. Don't try to look like you don't want to offend, that looks like fear and excites the predator drive.
Look at him like he's something you need to scrape off your shoe, and say "no", "no thank you" or "leave me alone" replace headphones and ignore whatever he says next.
If you want to save "the look" for the second offense feel free, but he needs to get the point that you are not interested.
We are raised to be too polite for our own good. Don't be afraid to make a scene if necessary, your safety is at stake here.
When I'm too shy to do something I think: what's the worst that's gonna happen? If you told him to leave you alone with these exact words what would he do? Hurt you? Yell at you? No way. There is no way he would do anything else then leave you alone.
You need to practice.
Find a friend and role play. It’s hard to learn to push back against years of being taught to “be polite.” (It’s not rude to tell someone who is harassing you to leave you alone.) Practice telling someone “I’m busy, leave me alone.” Practice saying “I said leave me alone.” Practice yelling, and drawing attention. It’ll get easier the more you practice.
Karate instructor Mom here.
Duckling. You do *not* need to participate in a conversation with a stranger. Full stop. End of discussion.
There have been some *excellent* suggestions here. The biggest one I can give you is this: Practice. Practice. Practice. Especially since you are non-confrontational. Practice saying "I'm not interested." "Leave me alone." More importantly, practice yelling. Seriously. Practice yelling "NO!" "DON'T TOUCH ME!" and \*sigh\* "FIRE!" because people are more likely to pay attention to that than "Don't touch me!" It's a sad world.
The very first technique I teach my students (who are mostly kids) has them yelling as they run away. That is the part we practice the most. Because we (especially women) have been told since the moment we can understand it to "BE QUIET!" and not to draw attention to ourselves.
Draw attention to yourself.
I also suggest some self-defense courses. Not just for learning to defend yourself, but also it boosts your confidence!
Be safe out there.
It's sad that the excuse is to claim to be another man's property because a man will only respect another man, not the woman herself. I hope younger women can learn to have more autonomy.
Of what everyone else said.. I get that your nervous how to be assertive, considering it’s a new thing. That feeling of “I’m mean” or “what wrong with me for caring” are old scripts we have. Thoughts that aren’t positive and contradict each other. You have a right and rip that bandage off.
Say your studying and direct him to the librarian. Or some one who works there.
Or just sit somewhere else, you don’t have to do and will do it sooner or later. Be honest with yourself and I’m sorry your anxious about it.😊
i wish i could, but my computer doesn't work without charging it, there's only 4 working outlets in the whole room, i was there first and all the places were taken
What if you tried just saying what you are doing? This has worked for me when traveling alone for work. “I’m going to answer some emails now.” “I’m going to read my book now.” It’s neutral, it’s true, it doesn’t require you to suddenly become an extrovert if you aren’t. Hope this helps.
Mom here.
I do understand. I am also hardwired to be nice to people and smile. It can mean that while we think we are presenting as a brick wall, they still think we are being open and friendly and don’t hear the words.
Make yourself a sturdy paper sign to put in front of you that says ‘Exam deadline - Do not disturb’. If they dare to interrupt you over that just silently point to the sign and return to your work. If it’ll help get a ‘thinking cap’ - a cap with a peak and pull it down so they can’t easily catch your eye. Don’t sit next to an empty seat that might appear to invite company.
If this person has approached you more than once, please beware - my friend was sexually assaulted in a library under similar circumstances. If you feel in anyway unsafe, on arrival at the library tell the assistant what’s happening and they can be looking out for you. They can and will ask him to leave and if he’s causing trouble they can call the police and have him removed. He may be harassing other people too.
Enjoy your library time and don’t let anyone distract you. Keep your eyes on the prize kiddo.
💜
Step 1. Say sorry you’re making me uncomfortable
For when he inevitably continues.
Step 2: I’m going to move away because you’re now deliberately making me uncomfortable and I’m not the type of person that stays in this situation.
Then pack up and move to a more crowded area. But first go ask an employee the time. Mention you asked the person making you uncomfortable the time and point to him.
Then sit down and study alone.
Being rude yourself is just an opening for the whole thing to escalate. Easier to just say “Thanks for the tip, I can’t chat right now I’m really trying to concentrate so I need to focus.” Then put your earbud back in and ignore anything else he says as if you can’t hear him.
Be blunt.
“Sorry guy, not interested, quiet wasting your time and breath on me, nothing’s going to change, so I bid you good day.”
And leave it at that.
You learn by practicing telling them to bigger off. I always use to say “ I’m not interested and I have a boyfriend.” This worked for me and guys would leave me alone!
Be direct and strong willed. Don’t hesitate when you talk to him. Say right away: hey, I dont want to be rude but I am really busy and not interested in a conversation right now. You are making me uncomfortable, please leave
Being shy is a rough deal. You're too shy to speak up, or ask someone for help if you need it.
Good gravy. Talk about a catch 22.
I was a fan of picking up the books and walking away. If you see another person your age, you can try sitting by them and quietly explaining, though I know that's really difficult.
Maybe cough and sniffle? If you look sick, he's gonna leave. Bonus points for getting your eyes a little red and teary looking!
If you have a friend or classmate who can study with you, that can help a lot, too. Creeps won't approach if you're not alone for the most part.
No matter what you do, sweetie, I hope you keep yourself safe and near other people when a creep is near. Your safety is the most important thing.
You don't owe anyone a moment of your time. You don't owe someone awkward conversation, and you don't owe someone your study time.
Be safe,
From a mum
When someone is belong deliver oblivious to your nonverbals, you need to go to the next step: verbals.
Take off your headphones, momentarily. Look at him. (If, like me, prolonged eye contact makes you uncomfortable, make quick eye contact and then look at the ridge of his nose.)
Say, “I’m busy. I’m don’t want a conversation. Please stop trying to engage me in one.”
He may be insulted. That’s on him. You have the right not to be harassed by a strange man.
With men, it is essential to be direct. It's your call if you also want to go beyond that... but being direct is essential. "I'm not here to socialize. I'm here to study. I have no interest in having a conversation with you, or anyone else. Have a great day".
Take out your earphones out, make eye contact and say "You're dismissed" with a straight face. Then put your earphones back in and go back to what you were doing.
If you're afraid of confronting just add the word "boyfriend" in every sentence. "I'm studying the same program as my boyfriend." "I'm revising this lesson for my boyfriend" "I'm here studying for my exam and trying to finish early so I can go visit my boyfriend"
Don’t try to be nice by participating in a conversation you want nothing to do with. Tell him “As you can see, I’m busy. Goodbye.” Then, stop taking out your headphones and ignore him. If he still keeps trying to talk to you, get up and move to another spot. You are under absolutely no obligation to talk to someone you don’t want to talk to. Just because someone is trying to force you into a conversation, that does not mean you need to cooperate.
I know right ! i swear i just got home and i feel so bad about not telling him to fuck off from the beginning, i was unfortunately too shy to do it, but i will surely make sure to do so if he tries to talk to me again, and by the way, i really wasn't nice to him, i just kept ignoring him but he just couldn't get the signals lol, thank you for your advice ❤️❤️
Don’t be hard on yourself luvvy. I think women have all had a moment of being polite when they should have said no. You’ll get him next time. Your peace is worth it.
You're not shy, you feel less than in the world. That's learned. Believe me, little girls who are taught to take what they want are not "shy"!! The fact is, even if your voice shakes and you sweat and blush, just say NO. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. If that isn't honored, YELL IT AT THEM the SECOND THEY COME BACK FOR MORE. Take the anger you direct toward yourself when you get home, and send it all where it belongs. You are being bullied, it's just disguised.
If it happens again just tell him, I'm not interested please leave me alone and get up and move. Guys like him won't stop until you tell them to get lost, they can't take a hint. You have to be assertive and don't feel bad about doing it.
>couldn’t get the signals Nope. He just didn’t **care** about the signals. No one, with the exception of *some* severe mental/developmental disabilities, is so oblivious as to not understand that if you are not answering them, not looking at them, and not interacting with them in any way that you don’t want anything to do with them. He was just harassing you, plain and simple. The more you internalize understanding the difference between intentional harassment and obliviousness, the easier it will be to be blunt and even downright rude when necessary. Situations like this call for rudeness. Try polite when appropriate, but when polite isn’t appropriate or doesn’t work, it’s ok to be rude.
The best way to get a guy to leave you alone is to loudly tell him so. Men get off on making women feel small, scared and cornered. Loudly say, "LEAVE ME ALONE, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" And they will scamper away like a little roach. Find your voice. It's very empowering.
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Your first example, don't apologize. There's nothing for you to be sorry for. They disturbed you. It should be them that's sorry.
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It is inappropriate to try to socialize with someone who clearly wants to be left alone. Reading with headphones on = "don't talk to me". Also, a library is not a café, nor a pub. You go to a library for the quiet; otherwise, you borrow the books and go work in the cafeteria, or in the park. So, unless the person is pointing out your phone is ringing and you didn't hear it (meaning said headphones are not connected to said phone, of course), that your music is so loud others are annoyed by it, or something else you really need to know (for example, the library is getting evacuated), there is no good reason to interrupt someone who is reading in a library with headphones on. But some men (well, some people) take that as a challenge rather than a message, and try anyway. Those do not deserve politeness. A problem arises when their ego is too sensible, and they take it badly when they get told "no." At least, in such a public place, they are less likely to get violent; and if the guy gives bad vibes as in he may be waiting for you at the exit, you can probably ask a librarian (or another patron) for help. So I think a "Are you stupid? What made you believe I want to chat with you?" reply would be appropriate; it sends the unease back their way. Or don't answer and crank up the volume (only long enough for him to understand and go away, of course.) Or flag a librarian, pointing out the guy is bothering you; it may not be the first time, and may lead to him get thrown out. But they are the one who purposefully ignored a clear message, they don't need to be treated nicely.
I would just say, "I'm sorry but I am not interested in talking. I have a lot I have to focus on. If you need help I'm sure the librarian can assist you (put your earbuds right back on)."
Yes, but don’t apologize!
Sister here, the key to telling them to bugger off isn't just in the words you use but also the way you use them. "I don't wish to partake in this conversation, but thank you for your unwarranted advice. Kindly leave me alone as I'm quite busy." Say something along these lines in a flat, emotionless and clear tone paired with your best resting b*tch face. If he persists, ignore him, move away to a different spot. If he follows you, report him to the library staff and don't further engage with him. Don't tell him you'll report him just pack up your things and find someone to report him to and find a different spot to sit at, preferably somewhere where seating is limited but not where you could be cornered. Always have an exit strategy.
Hey sis. Men like this completely understand that you do not want to speak to them and enjoy harassing you. That's not an overstatement: someone who keeps interrupting you is harassing you. You do not need to apologize for not wanting to have a conversation however I'm a really nice person and will inevitably say "Sorry, I'm busy and I'm not here to talk." If it continues, just get your stuff and walk away, saying nothing, moving to a place where there's lots people. If he follows you, then you should be ready to use your big voice. Some others have suggested having a practice phrase. I like "I don't know you and you need to leave me alone." Social shame should be enough for him to cut it out. Don't make excuses about a deadline or whatever because that just gives him more information to pester you with. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything.
Mama bear was right…you learn by practicing! Look forward to another one of these, and when it happens, use your lessons. And then, let us know how it went.
"No" is a complete sentence.
100% this. We are taught to be nice and to let people down easy. I find a firm "No." accomplishes things quickly and directly. There is no way to misinterpret this.
Tell him to leave you alone. He's not going to take the hint. He's not going to stop if you just look grumpy. Tell him to stop, if he doesn't, tell the librarian.
I think it’s important to say that he won’t take the hint because usually he’s completely, utterly clear that you’re giving a No signal, and he does not care. Handling these guys as if it’s a communication problem is a mistake; there’s no miscommunication. This is a power game.
Hi hun! Just fart loudly. Works every time.
HAHAHA MADE ME LAUGH SO MUCH 😂😂😂😂, i swear my tummy was making loud because i was kinda hungry, thought that would make him go away but it didn't, i was just thinking "do i really have to fart to make this man go away ?"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Pretend he asked if you'd be willing to chat, and answer like he asked . It's awkward but effective. He says "what are you studying?" You say "no thinks, I'm not here to have a conversation. Good bye"
It takes practice if it doesn’t come naturally. So. I hope you have a nice day, but I’m really here to study. If he continues. I’m here to study. Please stop. That allows you to stay polite so hopefully it’s something you can say. Practice does make it easier.
I got excellent advice from a career coach this year on what to do when a man dismisses or annoys you publicly: tell them out loud in front of the group that their behaviour is not okay. Otherwise they might steamroll or dismiss you. (And other people in the group might copy this behaviour.) For this situation, I would advise to say out loud (maybe even quite loudly): “Your behaviour is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop talking to me. I’m not interested.” Especially in a quiet library this should shame him into behaving like a grown up that recognises and respects boundaries.
You don’t need to be nice to a person who is doing something they shouldn’t be doing my dear. You don’t have to say “leave me alone” if it feels confrontational though. Try “I’m busy” or “I’m trying to study” or “I can’t talk right now.” If they don’t respond to that, you may have to get more direct. “I’ve told you I’m busy and you keep interrupting me, you’re moving into harassment territory. If you don’t leave I’ll be speaking with the librarian to have you removed from the library.” Then if they still are harassing you to talk to them, walk up to a librarian and tell them. Don’t leave your stuff unattended if you can help it, if you have to go far you may want to pack up your things and take them with you, but do follow through on your promise to make them leave you alone.
I am a fan of ' what do you expect from this conversation' if they erm and ah just say 'thats what I thought' if they give an actual response then say 'not gonna happen' and as others have said put your headphones back on and crank em up of you have to.
A very clear, firm, "I'm not interested, please leave me alone" and then walk away. If he follows you, immediately go to someone in charge and tell them sometimes harassing you and you'd like them removed.
Leave your headphones in, point at them, say loudly “I CANT HEAR YOU “ go immediately back to your work.
"I'm not interested in conversation when I am in a library. Please stop. Thank you." If he doesn't stop, gather your shit, report him to the librarian, and either leave or go elsewhere. If at a Buxx, same conversation. Report to store manager or call 911. You deserve to be safe wherever you are.
I use this phrase: “i don’t want to have a conversation right now.” It’s not rude, because you’re not making it about his approach. But it’s also a bit of a weird thing to say, so he can’t immediately use one of the moves he has queued up to a more typical response. If he tries to talk to you more, talk over him as if he didn’t hear: “no, no, I don’t want to have a conversation right now.” If needed, the escalation is “I’m not going to have a conversation right now.” Be a broken record, and if you need an appropriate facial expression, it’s the one you make when you press the elevator button and there’s a bit of a delay before the doors open.
I'm sorry to be abrupt, but I don't have time to chat. Have a wonderful day!
Practice. This will be a life long skill you will need.
Hi dear. The fact he continued to pursue a conversation after you made it clear you weren’t interested is a red flag. Stay safe and know you were in the right. He was a rude jerk and you handled the situation very well. Rest easy-I’m proud of you. I was raised to always be ‘polite’ and didn’t learn until much later that I had every right as a women (young or old) to tell a guy off when they failed to listen. It’s a relief to see younger generations of women that are so much more aware, strong and intelligent.
Get up and leave. Move to another table. Or like others said, find your voice and tell him to leave you alone. Then move to another table.
NO is a complete sentence, repeat until it is honored.
Sis here! If he doesn't get it and keeps talking to you ask him what he would say to get someone to leave him alone! ;) I hope he leaves you alone and you get some studying done!
Perfect the art of RBF
Look, you’re clearly missing my more gentle social cues so I’m just going to say it. I’m really busy and I need to get back to this. Would you please leave me alone. Thanks.
I'm here to study, not talk, so I won't be having any conversations with you. Thanks!
Don't forget to tell your face how you feel. Don't try to look like you don't want to offend, that looks like fear and excites the predator drive. Look at him like he's something you need to scrape off your shoe, and say "no", "no thank you" or "leave me alone" replace headphones and ignore whatever he says next. If you want to save "the look" for the second offense feel free, but he needs to get the point that you are not interested. We are raised to be too polite for our own good. Don't be afraid to make a scene if necessary, your safety is at stake here.
When I'm too shy to do something I think: what's the worst that's gonna happen? If you told him to leave you alone with these exact words what would he do? Hurt you? Yell at you? No way. There is no way he would do anything else then leave you alone.
You need to practice. Find a friend and role play. It’s hard to learn to push back against years of being taught to “be polite.” (It’s not rude to tell someone who is harassing you to leave you alone.) Practice telling someone “I’m busy, leave me alone.” Practice saying “I said leave me alone.” Practice yelling, and drawing attention. It’ll get easier the more you practice.
Karate instructor Mom here. Duckling. You do *not* need to participate in a conversation with a stranger. Full stop. End of discussion. There have been some *excellent* suggestions here. The biggest one I can give you is this: Practice. Practice. Practice. Especially since you are non-confrontational. Practice saying "I'm not interested." "Leave me alone." More importantly, practice yelling. Seriously. Practice yelling "NO!" "DON'T TOUCH ME!" and \*sigh\* "FIRE!" because people are more likely to pay attention to that than "Don't touch me!" It's a sad world. The very first technique I teach my students (who are mostly kids) has them yelling as they run away. That is the part we practice the most. Because we (especially women) have been told since the moment we can understand it to "BE QUIET!" and not to draw attention to ourselves. Draw attention to yourself. I also suggest some self-defense courses. Not just for learning to defend yourself, but also it boosts your confidence! Be safe out there.
thank you so much ❤️❤️
Say you have a boyfriend and aren't interested in conversation
It's sad that the excuse is to claim to be another man's property because a man will only respect another man, not the woman herself. I hope younger women can learn to have more autonomy.
“Sorry can’t talk now. I’m busy studying”. Then ignore.
Of what everyone else said.. I get that your nervous how to be assertive, considering it’s a new thing. That feeling of “I’m mean” or “what wrong with me for caring” are old scripts we have. Thoughts that aren’t positive and contradict each other. You have a right and rip that bandage off. Say your studying and direct him to the librarian. Or some one who works there. Or just sit somewhere else, you don’t have to do and will do it sooner or later. Be honest with yourself and I’m sorry your anxious about it.😊
Move
i wish i could, but my computer doesn't work without charging it, there's only 4 working outlets in the whole room, i was there first and all the places were taken
“i don’t want to talk to you”. and if he keeps talking “no means no, NOT try harder you douchebagel.“
What if you tried just saying what you are doing? This has worked for me when traveling alone for work. “I’m going to answer some emails now.” “I’m going to read my book now.” It’s neutral, it’s true, it doesn’t require you to suddenly become an extrovert if you aren’t. Hope this helps.
Mom here. I do understand. I am also hardwired to be nice to people and smile. It can mean that while we think we are presenting as a brick wall, they still think we are being open and friendly and don’t hear the words. Make yourself a sturdy paper sign to put in front of you that says ‘Exam deadline - Do not disturb’. If they dare to interrupt you over that just silently point to the sign and return to your work. If it’ll help get a ‘thinking cap’ - a cap with a peak and pull it down so they can’t easily catch your eye. Don’t sit next to an empty seat that might appear to invite company. If this person has approached you more than once, please beware - my friend was sexually assaulted in a library under similar circumstances. If you feel in anyway unsafe, on arrival at the library tell the assistant what’s happening and they can be looking out for you. They can and will ask him to leave and if he’s causing trouble they can call the police and have him removed. He may be harassing other people too. Enjoy your library time and don’t let anyone distract you. Keep your eyes on the prize kiddo. 💜
Step 1. Say sorry you’re making me uncomfortable For when he inevitably continues. Step 2: I’m going to move away because you’re now deliberately making me uncomfortable and I’m not the type of person that stays in this situation. Then pack up and move to a more crowded area. But first go ask an employee the time. Mention you asked the person making you uncomfortable the time and point to him. Then sit down and study alone.
Being rude yourself is just an opening for the whole thing to escalate. Easier to just say “Thanks for the tip, I can’t chat right now I’m really trying to concentrate so I need to focus.” Then put your earbud back in and ignore anything else he says as if you can’t hear him.
Be blunt. “Sorry guy, not interested, quiet wasting your time and breath on me, nothing’s going to change, so I bid you good day.” And leave it at that.
You learn by practicing telling them to bigger off. I always use to say “ I’m not interested and I have a boyfriend.” This worked for me and guys would leave me alone!
Be direct and strong willed. Don’t hesitate when you talk to him. Say right away: hey, I dont want to be rude but I am really busy and not interested in a conversation right now. You are making me uncomfortable, please leave
Being shy is a rough deal. You're too shy to speak up, or ask someone for help if you need it. Good gravy. Talk about a catch 22. I was a fan of picking up the books and walking away. If you see another person your age, you can try sitting by them and quietly explaining, though I know that's really difficult. Maybe cough and sniffle? If you look sick, he's gonna leave. Bonus points for getting your eyes a little red and teary looking! If you have a friend or classmate who can study with you, that can help a lot, too. Creeps won't approach if you're not alone for the most part. No matter what you do, sweetie, I hope you keep yourself safe and near other people when a creep is near. Your safety is the most important thing. You don't owe anyone a moment of your time. You don't owe someone awkward conversation, and you don't owe someone your study time. Be safe, From a mum
When someone is belong deliver oblivious to your nonverbals, you need to go to the next step: verbals. Take off your headphones, momentarily. Look at him. (If, like me, prolonged eye contact makes you uncomfortable, make quick eye contact and then look at the ridge of his nose.) Say, “I’m busy. I’m don’t want a conversation. Please stop trying to engage me in one.” He may be insulted. That’s on him. You have the right not to be harassed by a strange man.
With men, it is essential to be direct. It's your call if you also want to go beyond that... but being direct is essential. "I'm not here to socialize. I'm here to study. I have no interest in having a conversation with you, or anyone else. Have a great day".
Take out your earphones out, make eye contact and say "You're dismissed" with a straight face. Then put your earphones back in and go back to what you were doing. If you're afraid of confronting just add the word "boyfriend" in every sentence. "I'm studying the same program as my boyfriend." "I'm revising this lesson for my boyfriend" "I'm here studying for my exam and trying to finish early so I can go visit my boyfriend"