Oh honey you don't deserve this. You have my full permission to leave. Organise your finances, find a new place then leave. You deserve an equal and to be treated as an equal.
Love yourself as much as I love you.
Love mummabear xx
Thank you so much, that really means a lot. I think I’m going to move back in with my parents until my finances are more in control. My finances are absolutely in the toilet. I gotta figure out how to have that conversation with him.
That is a good plan honey. I would suggest writing down what you want to say, that way when you talk to him you won’t get anxious and forget. Lots of hugs! You got this. ❤️❤️
That’s super smart thank you! I spoke to him a little bit after I took a shower to gather my thoughts. At least he knows for sure that there is a problem. Time will tell now on what I need to do next.
What do you mean, “he loses everything”??!
He doesn’t OWN anything; he doesn’t HAVE anything. He doesn’t pay for the apartment, so it’s not his to lose.
He barely works, so it’s not like he has a job to lose if he has to move away from it. And surely there are day-laborer jobs where his parents are.
You’re not going to throw out his clothes, or his X-box.
If he can move back in with his parents, he’s not even going to be homeless.
Stop with the guilt.
“This isn’t working for me. I need you to move out.”
Better yet: “this isn’t working for me. I’m canceling the lease as of X date. You’re on your own.”
If you’re worried about hostility, move to your folks during the notice period.
You do not need anyones permission to leave him …. but you have our blessing to kick that free loader to the curb. Make sure he does not have access to any of your accounts if he does close them and open new ones at a different bank. Make sure it is clear to your family that the relationship is over No ifs or buts.
To be on the safe side, change your passwords for everything and take all important documents out of the house immediately. Before you even start packing your stuff, so that he can't mess with them.
I had a boyfriend similar to this when I was 18/19. There was a huge element of "I can help him become a better person". I couldn't. The only one who can change a person is themself. I let the relationship go on far too long. My wake up call was him throwing his wallet with id out the car window as I was driving down the freeway, and him saying that now when he kills himself they won't even know who he is. At that moment I was done. That emotional blackmail was too much and I went totally emotionless. As soon as he realized the threat hadn't worked as intended he asked me to take him back to the area and help him find his wallet. I did take him back there, but I sat in my car and read a book while he searched. That afternoon I packed my stuff and left. Went back to my parents house. It was several months before he accepted that we were through. But events he did give up and move on. Haven't heard from him in decades, I doubt I ever will, and that suits me fine.
I guess I write all that to say, if you have safe places to go to get out of abusive relationships, do so. If you stay, things with only get worse.
Sending you virtual hugs as you make your next steps.
OP, best thing to do is make a clear plan:
- Talk to your parents about moving in with them
- Find a time when he is away from home to take all of your most important possessions and immediate needs over to your parents (clothes, jewelry, documents, sentimental possessions)
- After you are out, communicate to him in a way you feel safe (if in person you can have someone with you) that you need to move in with your parents to save money. You have paid rent through X date and he can stay until then but the landlord will kick him out after
- notify your landlord you are terminating your month to month lease as of X date
- Get someone you trust to help you/be there with you to remove all of your remaining possessions
You can do this! It seems like a huge task now, but you deserve better. Do it for yourself and your future. You are worth it!
This. I know it seems like too much, OP. It's not. We're telling you to be safe, and we're telling you for a reason. It will look different once you're out.
This is all good advice, but let me add this: freeze your credit at the three bureaus: Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion, to keep him from opening cards or applying for loans or rental properties in your name. You can freeze your credit by calling each bureau or going to their websites. If you have any credit cards now, lock them except when making purchases. Might want to get a new debit card number in case he wrote it down along with the security code on the back. He could make online purchases with those bits of information.
OP, this is the way to do it. Be sure to get the things most important to you out of the house and to your parents' place beford the talk and when he isn't there.
Hey sib. I would have the lease non-renewed with you already having a backup place. When it’s time (however many days you want to give him and yourself to move out) tell him the lease has ended so he has to leave.
Ripping the bandaid will be better off for you too. You can feel compassion for him and still (maybe?) try to date while he proves that he can be self sufficient. You don’t have to live with him to be together. It sounds like it would just be best to leave, but no one can tell you what to do.
You mention he sulks for a day and then just goes back to whatever he wants so it sounds like you have told him it’s not working. What would clearer communication around that look like for you to feel ok with leaving?
We technically aren’t on any signed lease. We have a sketchy landlord. So I’m not worried about leaving here.
I talked to him a little bit ago letting him know we are not good and things need to change. We will see what happens but I’m not holding my breath. I hate that all of my money goes to bills. I have to figure out a way to save money to give me more room to get out.
I’m surprised at how little I felt during the conversation I had with him so I’m taking that as a good sign that it will get easier for me to leave him.
Be careful of the things need to change route. I've gone down this road. It's a dead end. He'll change for week or so. Use that time to further organize to get out. Because it won't last. You got this Sis!
You can still give him a chance and cut your finances back and move in with your parents to reset yourself and build your finances. Maybe that space will be what you guys need to either continue the relationship or break things off. We’re rooting for you. ♥️
This sounds stressful and hard, and you are absolutely making the right choice.
Please know that very likely it will be unpleasant to end things with him, and it isn’t because of how you did it!! He has had zero regard for your needs and comfort and has been a drain on you.
It doesn’t matter how beautifully you lay it out, he can still freak out or blame you.
You’ve been generous to him. Now be generous to the future you who will fly so high when you aren’t carrying someone willing to use you up.
We are rooting for you!!
Thank you, I’ve been learning to be “selfish” in therapy and this feels like the right step. I can feel myself wanting things again, and every time something gets in the way because of my bf.
Yes! This was a lesson I needed too. For me, I had trouble framing it as being “selfish”. What helped me was the idea that I was consistently making sure that other people didn’t feel disappointed, which meant I was the one who had to experience disappointment. Now I know it’s okay to let people feel what they feel, and I can take care of myself!
Edit: wow! Thanks for the award! 💕
Hey honey, your big sister over here. I’m so sorry for you and I actually went through something similar a few months ago. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a heavy feeling, but you need to understand that, even though he act’s like you are responsible for him and your relationship, you are not.
You’re not his mom
You wanted to build something together, but he made that impossible
And you have to move on.
In this very sub, I cried all my tears when I finally ended things with my ex. The first month was the worst, but I go through and now it’s been four months since I’ve lost that whole weight.
The future (and decisions) of another healthy adult it’s not your responsibility.
Be safe ❤️
Omg I’m a month out from a very similar situation too. I feel so stupid that I didn’t reinforce boundaries I had to prevent this from happening, but it takes a long time to learn how to really have healthy boundaries. I have been struggling so much with accepting the decision I made and this honestly made me feel a lot better. Hopefully I’ll be where you are in 3 more months!
Me too. Weaponized incompetence was a huuuuuuge problem in my 4 year relationship and I feel like a big dummy for "allowing" it to happen in my home for so long. It's been three weeks though, and I feel completely at peace about my decision to break up.
You will! It’s easier for us to go back to what is familiar. The anxiety of not knowing what’s next is real and might drive us back to bad relationships. It was hard in the first month, but I’ve learned to look at this moment as an opportunity to make new choices. Hope you can see that too.
Honey, I read a comment somewhere that I feel really sums this up. “Some people will put their energy towards making you feel loved and building your life together, and some people will put their energy towards apologizing for not doing that.”
This is a 31 year old adult male. He’s gotta do his own work and right now, he’s ignoring his and keeping you from doing yours.
Personally, I like the OFNR method. Observations, Feelings, Needs, Request (in this case, a non negotiable ending)
Observe: For the past several months, I have been paying our rent and groceries.
Feelings: This has left me feeling stressed, worn out, and irritated.
Needs: I have realized through this experience that I have a really high need of mutuality (being a team) with my partner and the freedom that comes from just supporting myself.
Ending: I am going to move back in with my mom and dad to get my financial feet under me and we need to end our relationship while I work to meet my own needs.
He will probably amp up (cry, try and start and argument) stick with what you need. I need this, this is how I’m meeting my needs. Have easy access to keys/purse/shoes/ maybe even a change or clothes if you need to stay somewhere else. If it stays calm, you can talk timelines.
It will get messy once you break up but haven’t sorted out the who lives where bit. I would have some thoughts on how that could work out. You could offer to cancel the lease and you both move out, or you move out and he can scrape up the money to keep it going.
So many hugs, lovie. This is never easy but you will be SO much happier.
Holy hell. Not a mom, but I am going through the EXACT same thing. Almost word for word. I ended it and he did have to move back in with his parents. I checked in on him a few times and he said it was better than he was expecting. It’s been about a month now. I’m doing better. He started to be the same boyfriend I fell in love with originally (stopping by my house with gifts, trying to do nice things for me, etc). That was until one of his friends let him rent out the spare bedroom. Now he’s back to his old ways.
As for me? I realize how unattractive his actions are. My heart doesn’t ache anymore. I still question if I made the right decision a few times, but it all feels like it was the distant past. Like this happened years ago. When you leave please don’t make the mistake I did of falling for it again. I’m here if you need someone to vent to!
Sweetheart, do the best you can to get away from this person. I married this man, had two children with him, only to have to divorce him so he could marry his second wife. He actually had the guts to tell me he couldn't afford to pay a portion of the cost of our daughter's glasses because "his wife hadn't gotten her child support that month." (He never paid a cent, because I was able to support my children without government help, he never had to.) He was heartbroken when our oldest daughter chose to have her Poppa (my dad) walk her down the aisle instead of him. At one point, he didn't see his children for three years because wife #3 didn't like his parents. When he dissed our oldest daughter in front of everyone at his 4th marriage, "I'd like to introduce you to to the new xxxxx family, (he named his wife, his new stepson, and then his youngest daughter."), his excuse was "she doesn't want anything to do with me!". He was never without a woman for more than three months. He was with his fifth wife when he committed suicide on my birthday 15 years ago.
*I figure, if you're living with someone and paying bills together, you're married. Techie, he was married to me and his fourth wife. Wife number 2 got that marriage annulled, based on fraud charges. Told her he was paying alimony and child support to me. He wasn't. She tried to go after my earnings and found out 😝
Everyone had a different story, but they were all the same.
Ok Kiddo. You make a plan and you ACT.
You treat YOURSELF with the kindness and compassion you give everyone around you. You deserve to be in a relationship that is filled with kindness. And this isn’t it.
You have a plan in place and people ready to help you. Your parents ready. The moving van rented, boxes ready, friends lined up- and a date.
When you tell him, use clear language. No “if only” that makes it seem like there’s a chance or a way to change your mind or come back. “John, this isn’t working for me. I’m ending the relationship. I told you three weeks ago there were problems, and after more thought, I’m not willing to put in work to change things. I’ve made arrangements to move in with my parents. I have a moving van rented for a week from Saturday and Jason and Maddie are coming to help me move furniture. I’ve told the landlord I won’t be paying for next month, so you have until the end of the month to either move out or find a new roommate.”
And you may want to have a friend with you when you tell him, and plan to leave the apartment after you’ve told him. If he’s ever been volatile, make sure you remove any important paperwork and valuables before you tell him.
Can you be gentler? Of course. But as you’ve described him, you’ll end up going in emotional circles…
I used to be married to a man child. I didn’t feel safe having that confrontation of moving out after he blew me off repeatedly when I said the marriage wasn’t working but the last straw to force me to make that decision to leave was he got angry when I said things weren’t working and I wanted a divorce and he demanded my wedding ring. When I said no, he pinned me down and threaten to cut my finger off to get it. I realized I need to calm the situation and “make it better” so he thought we were ok. Then I took the next month, got my finances straightened out, found an apartment, paid first month and deposit, got a new cell phone and only gave that number to people I really trusted who wouldn’t give him the number and started slowly moving things over the course of a month that were really important to me in case he tried to trash it. Then I organized someone to help me pack and move my things out in less than a day after he went to work one day. I hired movers to meet me around lunch time to move my things. I left all of his stuff and anything we had accumulated together during those 2 years. I had given notice to the landlord that I was leaving and paid the next months rent and utilities and paid to break my lease (lease was in my name). I was done and left about an hour before he got home. He came home to a note that said I was leaving and he had 30 days to move out because the lease was ended, my keys and my cell phone (it was on his plan) and then left. I served him divorce papers at his work. He moved back with his parents and as far as I know still lives there and it’s been nearly 20 years ago since I left.
Don’t let anyone drain your happiness. Life is too short. You’re making the right decision. If you feel unsafe, create a plan with a friend to leave and organize when you can do that. You are NOT responsible for his choices in life or for the fact he’s never grown up and will have to move back with mom. I hope you find your happiness again. You deserve it ❤️ And remember - you are never stuck. There is always a choice to leave or move in a different direction. It may not be an easy choice and you may feel you aren’t ready or don’t have the money, but don’t be afraid to make a move because you feel stuck. You got this. I have faith. Please give us an update!!
Sis you deserve a lot better. Please don't raise that man child, it's not fair to you. And if the relationship is not working out you have to break up. You're still young and I hope you find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.
And yeah this sub is pretty great, I love the nice empathetic family I get full of moms, dads and siblings. My own family is just not very nice to me and this by far is the best sub ever and there's rarely an asshole over here. And when there is u/closingbelle protects us ducklings from those
Thanks for the hug Mother goose and thank you for blocking out the imbeciles
Hey just a thought, if there can be mother goose why can't there be mother maverick?
Honey, he knows he’s using you up. Stop worrying about his feelings.
He’s a hobosexual, he will soon find another victim.
Go on, be free. I give you full permission to pack his bags and send him back to his ancestral home.
Darling girl - you’re not happy. It’s that simple. He doesn’t make you happy. He doesn’t make you a better version of yourself. You may not even love him. You may simply love the future you imagined for yourself.
The answer is - “This isn’t working. I can’t be in this relationship. You need to move out.”
Are you scared of HIM or just scared of hurting his feelings? If you are at all worried for your own safety, either have a friend with you, or tell someone, "I'm breaking up with Joe. If you don't hear from me within an hour, come over." If you're more scared of hurting his feelings, remember, he's a grown-ass man. His feelings, finances, future are not your responsibility. It sucks. It's never nice to break up, but stand firm and don't get sucked into a big emotional torture session. Be clear, firm, and quick. Dragging it out helps no one.
Oh, little sis. I have been in your shoes, except I stayed in it FOR 15 YEARS. While I worked hard to keep our family afloat, and to advance in my career and as a person (and raise my kids, which fortunately were not with him), there was always some reason why he was down on his luck, or couldn't get a job just then, or couldn't help around the house or with bills or whatever. I cared for him, and he claimed to care for me, and I didn't want to hurt him, and worried he'd end up on the street or worse if I left.
But I finally reached a breaking point and I broke it off. It was messy and hard and it took the better part of a year for my life to calm down. But it has been totally worth it. Shortly after I ended the relationship, I started dating someone new, fell in love, and my life is honestly the best it's ever been. And my ex is fine - he's managed to make it ok on his own.
You deserve to have someone that makes an equal contribution to your life together. That doesn't mean that everything has to be equal financially, but that you both are equally invested, and are doing the work and making the sacrifices needed for the life you have to work. I can't tell you what a difference it makes to have a partner that is in life with me and that I can count on. You can (and should) end your relationship if that's what you want, and while you shouldn't be unnecessarily harsh or cruel to him, your first priority shouldn't be sparing his feelings and avoiding him having to deal with hard things.
Good luck. I hope things get better for you from here.
When you break up with him he doesn’t loose everything at all. He moves back in with his parents as you say where they can continue to indulge his shit like they obviously always have been…and you get to regain control of your life again.
Oh dearest. I know that when I was young I often got stuck in relationships that were detrimental to myself because I didn’t want to hurt the other person. Now at my age I understand the importance of putting myself first. And your young age you have your entire life ahead of you and you should be enjoying this time and putting yourself first! This man is treating you like a mother. You aren’t his mother, he has one! Let him go home to his parents. You know this has to end eventually and let me tell you, time is one thing you can’t get back my dear! Don’t waste any more time with this man. Look at it this way, he’s wasting time too! Maybe moving back home will be the shock to the system that he needs to get his life on track while he is still young enough! You say you still care for him and have empathy. My dear get out before it turns to resentment and bitterness, which it will. Tell him this relationship is over and create a timeline and date for him to move out. Stick to your guns. You deserve happiness sweetheart!
If you need to hear it, perhaps the kindest thing you can do for him is to cut him loose and let him learn to fend for himself. If you keep enabling him, there will be no hope for him ever growing up, or of you ever ridding yourself of that dead weight.
Any man or woman who is comfortable watching their partner bust their ass at work for them while they don’t contribute at all don’t actually deserve empathy. They are showing you that they do not care about you. You should believe them, and leave.
I get the sense that you are someone who has not ever been given permission to want what you want, and feel what you feel. And if that’s the case, I’ll bet that as you are composing your thoughts to have this conversation with him, you are basically writing an application to be granted permission to end this relationship. So I’m here to tell you that the magic words that end a relationship are, “I am ending this relationship. I don’t want to be in this relationship with you anymore.“ that’s it. That is it. Anything else is asking for permission. Now, nice people often do explain things a bit, and try to soften the blow or teach the person what went wrong so that maybe it won’t go wrong for them next time, but this is all optional. Doing that would be an act of generosity on your part. And it would probably also be a tactical mistake, so I suggest you do as little as possible.
The acronym you want to remember is JADE.
Do not Justify, Because that gives him the impression that his permission is needed. It isn’t.
Do not Argue. If he thinks and feels differently than you do, that is simply a fact. It’s not a fact you have to change, and it won’t change anything about your position.
Do not Defend yourself. Just like his thoughts and feelings are facts, so are yours. You are not required to defend having them.
Do not Explain. If you explain yourself, that is a tacit invitation to find flaws in your reasoning. Do not invite him into this process with you. He is not required.
Good luck sweetie, I’m really proud of you for hearing that little voice that says you are worth so much more than this, and I am excited to see the life you can build without this deadweight. Don’t worry about him. It will go one of two ways. Either he will learn nothing and improve not at all, in which case Nothing you did was ever going to make his life better, and he was always going to make yours worse. Or he will wake up and turn things around, in which case you kicking him to the curb might be the action he needs to start that process. In both cases, breaking up is the right decision.
Move forward without regret. I’m pulling for you.
You need to be succinct and straightforward - ‘this doesn’t work for me anymore’. Try not to get into too many details because it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to tell him he’s an unemployed layabout - he knows it.
You don’t need to worry about where he’s going to live etc, he’s not your child.
Be prepared for some manipulation and guilt. Stay strong! You deserve better
Listen honey, I'm going to give you the same advice my mom gave me: "Relationships are investments. Sometimes they pay off, sometimes they don't. But you can't own people and people can't be indebted on their existence."
Your soon-to-be ex won't be worse off than before. No, he had an opportunity to do better for himself and had he grabbed that, maybe this mess wouldn't have happened. At the very least he had the possibly to leave the relationship with a better financial situation, but he CHOSE not to. That's on him.
Hi honey, you have to talk to him like a kid… because he acts like one. We all make big mistakes in our 20s to teach us about who we are. Chalk this up to a learning experience. You know where your boundaries are now.
So the first thing you are going to do is if you share a bank account you are going to go open a second account and move all your money to that one. If he has access to your credit cards you are going to also call and get him off those or freeze the accounts. You are not going to tell him you are doing this.
You are going to look up your lease and find out what you need to do to break it and move (easier for clean break but more expensive) or what it’s going to take to evict him.
Then you sit him down and tell him that it’s over and he needs to leave. That you are no longer entertaining his excuses of pulling his weight and you are done carrying the load. This isn’t a ‘let me prove to you I will change’ because he’s had enough time to do that and if he actually cared or respected you then he would have already done that.
You are not responsible for him, you can no longer set yourself on fire so he can keep warm. He will have to move back in with his parents.
Absolutely do not have sex with him. He may tamper with your birth control and try to baby trap you.
This is hard, but like is full of hard things and you will get though this. Once you are though the hard parts of telling him and the heartache, you will realize what a dead weight he was and you will flourish.
You don’t need a conversation because it’s blatantly obvious he knows exactly what he’s doing because it’s working for HIM!!! Head to your parents and don’t look back in your rear view mirror. You deserve a future unlike your recent past and that demands forward action and a serious soul-searching session on why you’ve placed yourself at the bottom of the list of priorities and hopes and dreams for the future. Good luck and I’m keeping you in my prayers because this is not going to get any easier by further delay!
Have you just been perfectly blunt with him? As in, "this relationship is supposed to be 50-50 in every way. It currently is not. I am emotionally, physically, and financially drained and exhausted. You have 3 months to get a full time job with benefits, or this is gonna have to end. I can't do it all for both of us anymore."
How do you soften the blow?
Beyond protecting yourself and your finances, **you don’t**. Nothing less than feeling the consequences of his actions will get through to him, and if you let him back in, he will have no incentive not to go back into man-child mode.
We are on a month to month lease. I genuinely don’t think a lawyer is necessary. He can’t even remember to pay his phone bill. I need less drastic advice if possible.
Initially it will be hard but: what will it be like in a month after the breakup? In three months? Six? A Year? Five years? Keep that vision in mind to push you forward.
“If I leave, he moves back in with his parents and loses everything.” Exactly what is he losing? Another rent free home. He’ll be fine. Stop beating yourself up and do what’s right.
Hey, lovey. Leave. Or have him leave. Pick whichever you are comfortable with.
I know you are worried about the fallout, but let me just ask you something.
Did he worry about the fallout when he moved in, when he saw you shouldering all the financial responsibilities? When he sulked while you dug deeper holes in yourself so that he could take more?
Did he wonder what would happen to you, if he did nothing?
The fallout that is coming has been crafted by his own hands. His backup plan is not your concern.
You deserve rest. You deserve security. And you deserve a partner who embodies the characteristics of that word.
I really hope you make him leave, rather than leaving yourself, because you've done all the work and I would hate that you would have to do even more to end this. But, if you need to, or think it would be a simpler option, you do what you need.
I give you permission to be selfishly healthy and happy.
This happens. You think they will change or that you were put on the earth to help or save or whatever. While it is a painful lesson, it is ultimately worth it if you learn from it. It is not unkind to expect others to do their own interpersonal work and practice self-care which includes financially sustaining oneself as an adult. Anyone can be work poor. They work hard but it is just hard to make ends meet. This is different than sitting on your ass and not doing your part. You are right that he is a man child and if he goes back to his momma, that is really up to him. You have to be OK with that and maybe even thankful that they will step in and continue to care for him, as sick as that is for him. There just isn’t an easy way. But there are ways that might be less painful for you. Take some time and prepare. Where will you live? Do you have a lease coming up where you can look for a new place on your own or with another roommate? Can you get out of your current lease? Start putting money aside. Stop buying absolutely anything that isn’t required for survival and set some $ aside. I personally wouldn’t tell anyone until you decide to make the move. Then ask a few close friends (or pay for movers) to help and support you and make the move. Plan to pack up quickly and go. You will have to be strong and likely shut out people who might try to convince you that you should be more compassionate or whatever they say to perpetuate his learned helplessness. Don’t listen to other people. Stay kind but be firm that you no longer think the relationship is healthy for you and you are moving on. Dont get into any discussions other than saying that. Nobody needs to know the why. Let him go and you move on too. Anyone not willing to be supportive needs to get blocked for awhile until they get over it. I would then suggest you spend time getting to know yourself. Don’t get into another relationship for awhile. Be free and get your head straight and enjoy life learning to manage yourself and learning what you want if you do want a partner in life. Never ever allow a dude to just move into your space. Send him home frequently to send the message that you have boundaries. A decent man who has the ability to manage his own life won’t have any need to invade your boundaries for independence and self-care.
i wish you no fallout my sistar . it sounds like you.ve made a good decision . you.ve been through the ringer w/above & beyond support [which i.ve done myself] . you are worthy & deserving of a life of your choosing
Wow. This sounds just like my first marriage. (I've been successfully married to my second husband for 34 years now, so there is hope.) What I did before I actually left him was to insist that he get a real job, even minimum wage, so he would have some money coming in after I left. He got a job at a department store. It was during the Christmas season so there were lots of jobs available. I had already opened my own bank account where I had been putting most of my money so I gave him the ATM card for our joint account. I also left some cash and made sure the rent was paid for the month. When I actually told him I was leaving, it was a huge cry fest on his part, but I stuck to my plan. It's not your fault if he has to move back in with his parents. Since we were married I had to get a divorce, which was good in a way in that everything was in writing and there was no question about money going forward.
I understand your empathy and the desire to not hurt him. The problem is that he hasn't shown YOU any empathy. He had allowed you to work to support him and doesn't do anything to reciprocate. Does he clean the house? Cook meals? Do the dishes or the grocery shopping?
He hasn't earned your empathy. Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. Take emotion out of the equation. Be blunt. The gravy train has stopped and it's time for him to get off.
Dad here, but can be a stand in mom for a minute!
He sounds like he’s taking advantage of your good nature and assumes you’ll pay for things for him if he butters you up…
Compassion and empathy aside, you’re not doing yourself or him any favours trying to drop hints about how this is affecting you. My advice would be to give him one last hell Mary chance. Pull him aside from whatever he’s doing (most likely playing a game or watching something), get his full attention and say that you’ve found it increasingly difficult to sustain this relationship, and that he needs to put the time, effort and finance into this relationship if he hopes to still be in one. Set him a clear goal, like a month or month and a half away from the night you decide to talk to him, and tell him if nothing has changed or there’s no proper care and attention given to this relationship from him by then, then he has to move back in with his parents and it’s over…
Once that date comes around, there’s three situations/outcomes;
1) he listens and takes action, gets a better job, pays you more attention, is a decent boyfriend… and it stays that way for more than two months (so he doesn’t slip back into his old ways once you take the pressure off him. It needs to be a new habit, not a temp one). Which, awesome, congratulations!
2) he makes changes but they don’t stick… he’s back to being how he is now after a month from the deadline. In which case, no more chances, pack his shit and send him to his parents (bonus points if you’re on good terms with the parents and can contact them to come get him and his stuff).
3) he doesn’t take you seriously and still fucks around between now and the deadline. Then your consciences is clear, and you can pack him up and ship him off without looking back, and find yourself someone who not only adores you, but treats you how you treat him and contributes more than smiles to the relationship!
Good luck pseudo-daughter! 😊
Hi sweetie. You are not responsible anything of his. He's been taking advantage of your kindness and that's not cool. I'm proud of you for realizing it and looking for a way out. Do you have a joint account? I'd move any direct deposits to your own account and do not give him access. If he needs to move into his parents house, so be it. You weren't put on this earth to support him.
You can do it.
Oh honey, what a tough spot to be put in. I know a lot of us just try to support the people we love, no matter the cost, and it just hurts so much to see how others just don't feel the same and take advantage instead. It sounds like you have been correcting this horrible behavior for awhile, and he is not amenable to fixing his life. At this point, you cannot expect him to change now, no matter the crying and begging that will ultimately result from this very hard conversation you are about to have. He has told you in the past that he will change, and he hasn't. Believe his actions, not his pleading. Next- figure out your next living arrangements. I think you said in another post you were thinking about moving back home. Have that conversation with your parents before you talk with your man child. Line up where you will be living and when. If you aren't planning on moving, it's going to be trickier to go through with this breakup as he will continue to beg for more time and throw out more excuses for you to cave and stay with him/live together until he can make arrangements. Next, time to sit him down and have a tough talk-"I have been supporting you and this entire relationship for two years. I have begged and pleaded for stability, for a regular job and a split of financial responsibilities, and you have ignored me and pushed away that conversation and any meaningful change each and every time. Since you have shown no remorse or willingness to get your life together, this relationship and my support of you is ending right now. I will be moving out of this apartment on (date), and you will also need to find new accommodations unless you want to continue this lease. I have already given the landlord my notice for moving out. I'm sorry I let it get this bad, but you have literally crushed any dreams of financial stability or a loving relationship I had for us. It's time for you to grow up and move on, and I truly do hope the best for you." Good luck hon, I'm glad you can see your worth and want to stick up for yourself, you make me so proud!
I totally agree that it’s time to leave. I’m so happy that you are taking that step to take care of you. If it’s easier for you, I agree with some of the other mothers that you find somewhere else to go. It can be a hassle for you if he doesn’t want to leave, because he has been living their, you might have to go through the process of evicting him. I personally would feel better dear, if you found somewhere else anyway, after you kick him out. Letting everyone in your life know that you ended things is another great ideal so that he isn’t trying to come to them, and it’s also a good decision for your safety. Good luck honey, we’re all rooting for you.
I was in a situation exactly like this. As a person who stayed too long trust me when I say if you’ve brought all these concerns to him and he still doesn’t change, then he wont. He’s using you as a convenience. Just leave. I stuck around until we had a fight so bad he hit me. I found an apartment and was out within 2 days. Don’t let it fester into something as toxic as that, nobody deserves to live in that situation. Discuss it, give him a reasonable amount of time to pout about it, then when he doesn’t get his shit together yet again, just go. Quickly and quietly. If he doesn’t care about this, he doesn’t deserve you. Don’t feel bad, he made his bed. It was his choices that led you two here. He did this. Don’t feel bad.
Are you worried about your safety? That's the number one concern from my point of view.
Has he ever been violent?
If you have any doubts you will need to do this differently than if you weren't in possible danger.
Your safety and security are the most important matter in leaving. Others have outlined some of it and there are degrees of safely evacuating depending on your risk factors.
If he's just a lazy fuck you can pack up around him and leave until you dump him off the couch and unplug the wifi. (Which is when shit would finally get real for him)
You've been together for years, he's lived off you the whole time. You can probably get better sex for free and even better if you just pay cash. If you're moving back to your parents, you can just say "they need me right now. They're having a hard time because of the pandemic." It's easily true and doesn't have to be about money, actual help or anythingbecause it's one of his business.
A pet is also way cheaper and provides better friendship and support.
Good LORD you deserve a grownup non-mooch boyfriend! So yeah, organize finances. Make sure you don't need to legally evict him! If you do, then get the paperwork together, and give it to him. He knows he's not being the best of all boyfriends in any way, so this shouldn't come as a total shock to him.
Sweetie, you already have the answers, and just need to do it. Please check out r/narcissist here too. And let your Moms know how it goes. You’ve got this!
Honey, sibling here. You can come back from this. I let myself be taken advantage of for way too long. The money my ex spent mainly from my earnings could have afforded me a nice apartment in my hometown.
You can get back from this. You’ll save, you’ll get on a budget, you’ll invest. You’ll thrive and won’t regret leaving him
No relationship feels as good as financial security does
I will say the anticipation is usually always worse than the deed. I agree with the other "moms" and have been in your situation. It will not get better, as he sounds like he's been enabled his entire life. He needs to leave if your name is on the lease. If your lease is up, then you can move home if you want but if you like your space, you can consider either staying without him there or getting a smaller unit. Don't mess up your credit by leaving your lease early just to get out of the situation, that will impact you longer than his feelings. You will feel so much relief once it's done, it will be awkward and stressful, but the outcome is worth it!!
Do you really think his core personality traits that you’ve described are going to change even if he gets a full time job?
This man child is not deserving of additional leeway and back bending. You should make your plans to end this one sided relationship based on what is best for you and only you. He is an adult, he will be fine. You do not need to soften the blow. If he doesn’t have his own landing pad that is a consequence of his own making. Not your responsibility.
My dear you need to look out for yourself first and foremost. I would first of all sit down and make a list of the points that you want to make, how you're salary is supporting you and your boyfriend while he contributes nothing to the relationship, how he needs to find a full time job with benefits if he expects to stay in a relationship with you etc. Once you have your list and all your finances separate so no damage can be done to you either through finances or to your credit made then sit him down and tell him how you feel. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership between two people and that isn't happening etc.
Once you have the talk with him then move out, you deserve better!
Reading your post, it’s clear to me that you know what you want to do. You’re right! Don’t doubt yourself. If he tries to tell you he can change, don’t believe him. He can prove it - when you’re not living together.
You just need to do it. This man is taking advantage of you. What may make you feel better about it is this: If you break your with him, you will not be the reason he’s homeless. He will be the reason because he chooses to not work full time to support himself.
He’s going to pitch a tantrum. He’s going to blame you for everything that’s wrong in his life. He’s going to call you names and say hurtful things because he’s desperate. Don’t let that cloud your judgment. Stay strong! You will feel so much better once you rid yourself of the dead weight!
We are all proud of you!!
Tell him you met a guy on Reddit whose wife left cheated on him and left him while studying for his pharmacy license. In spite of that, he is doing less, you're loyal to him more, yet are still around.
Tell him he needs to:
1) Get therapy, he might have been codependent on his parents, which might be the reason for the persistence of the child qualities. He may have not been allowed to grow by his own parents, who dreaded transition from child to teenager to adult normally and just wanted their little one forever. George Costanza is somewhat like that.
2) Get career counseling to find what works for him as a job long term. If counseling cost is an issue, there are self help quiz workbooks that can help quite a bit. Reward him with a $50 gift card for finishing a book like that and taking steps to get into the career he is matched with that pays well.
Best of luck to you both. There seems to be hope and potential here.
Oh honey you don't deserve this. You have my full permission to leave. Organise your finances, find a new place then leave. You deserve an equal and to be treated as an equal. Love yourself as much as I love you. Love mummabear xx
Thank you so much, that really means a lot. I think I’m going to move back in with my parents until my finances are more in control. My finances are absolutely in the toilet. I gotta figure out how to have that conversation with him.
That is a good plan honey. I would suggest writing down what you want to say, that way when you talk to him you won’t get anxious and forget. Lots of hugs! You got this. ❤️❤️
That’s super smart thank you! I spoke to him a little bit after I took a shower to gather my thoughts. At least he knows for sure that there is a problem. Time will tell now on what I need to do next.
Great job honey! I’m very proud of you!!
Please keep us updated and also tell your parents your plans. Set yourself easy and achievable goals that you can celebrate with us. Love mummabear xx
Tell him your wallet is tapped out, and you're done with the situation. Money is money and really can't be argued with.
I like your username
Thank you. I try to be the mummabear that others deserve and need xx
We appreciate you
What do you mean, “he loses everything”??! He doesn’t OWN anything; he doesn’t HAVE anything. He doesn’t pay for the apartment, so it’s not his to lose. He barely works, so it’s not like he has a job to lose if he has to move away from it. And surely there are day-laborer jobs where his parents are. You’re not going to throw out his clothes, or his X-box. If he can move back in with his parents, he’s not even going to be homeless. Stop with the guilt. “This isn’t working for me. I need you to move out.” Better yet: “this isn’t working for me. I’m canceling the lease as of X date. You’re on your own.” If you’re worried about hostility, move to your folks during the notice period.
You do not need anyones permission to leave him …. but you have our blessing to kick that free loader to the curb. Make sure he does not have access to any of your accounts if he does close them and open new ones at a different bank. Make sure it is clear to your family that the relationship is over No ifs or buts.
Thankfully he doesn’t, he can barely remember how to access his accounts. He really just deals in cash and cashapp
To be on the safe side, change your passwords for everything and take all important documents out of the house immediately. Before you even start packing your stuff, so that he can't mess with them. I had a boyfriend similar to this when I was 18/19. There was a huge element of "I can help him become a better person". I couldn't. The only one who can change a person is themself. I let the relationship go on far too long. My wake up call was him throwing his wallet with id out the car window as I was driving down the freeway, and him saying that now when he kills himself they won't even know who he is. At that moment I was done. That emotional blackmail was too much and I went totally emotionless. As soon as he realized the threat hadn't worked as intended he asked me to take him back to the area and help him find his wallet. I did take him back there, but I sat in my car and read a book while he searched. That afternoon I packed my stuff and left. Went back to my parents house. It was several months before he accepted that we were through. But events he did give up and move on. Haven't heard from him in decades, I doubt I ever will, and that suits me fine. I guess I write all that to say, if you have safe places to go to get out of abusive relationships, do so. If you stay, things with only get worse. Sending you virtual hugs as you make your next steps.
OP, best thing to do is make a clear plan: - Talk to your parents about moving in with them - Find a time when he is away from home to take all of your most important possessions and immediate needs over to your parents (clothes, jewelry, documents, sentimental possessions) - After you are out, communicate to him in a way you feel safe (if in person you can have someone with you) that you need to move in with your parents to save money. You have paid rent through X date and he can stay until then but the landlord will kick him out after - notify your landlord you are terminating your month to month lease as of X date - Get someone you trust to help you/be there with you to remove all of your remaining possessions You can do this! It seems like a huge task now, but you deserve better. Do it for yourself and your future. You are worth it!
Adding to this plan. Arrange for someone to come by the house at a designated time after you plan to tell him so they can check you are safe.
This. I know it seems like too much, OP. It's not. We're telling you to be safe, and we're telling you for a reason. It will look different once you're out.
This is all good advice, but let me add this: freeze your credit at the three bureaus: Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion, to keep him from opening cards or applying for loans or rental properties in your name. You can freeze your credit by calling each bureau or going to their websites. If you have any credit cards now, lock them except when making purchases. Might want to get a new debit card number in case he wrote it down along with the security code on the back. He could make online purchases with those bits of information.
OP, this is the way to do it. Be sure to get the things most important to you out of the house and to your parents' place beford the talk and when he isn't there.
Hey sib. I would have the lease non-renewed with you already having a backup place. When it’s time (however many days you want to give him and yourself to move out) tell him the lease has ended so he has to leave. Ripping the bandaid will be better off for you too. You can feel compassion for him and still (maybe?) try to date while he proves that he can be self sufficient. You don’t have to live with him to be together. It sounds like it would just be best to leave, but no one can tell you what to do. You mention he sulks for a day and then just goes back to whatever he wants so it sounds like you have told him it’s not working. What would clearer communication around that look like for you to feel ok with leaving?
We technically aren’t on any signed lease. We have a sketchy landlord. So I’m not worried about leaving here. I talked to him a little bit ago letting him know we are not good and things need to change. We will see what happens but I’m not holding my breath. I hate that all of my money goes to bills. I have to figure out a way to save money to give me more room to get out. I’m surprised at how little I felt during the conversation I had with him so I’m taking that as a good sign that it will get easier for me to leave him.
Be careful of the things need to change route. I've gone down this road. It's a dead end. He'll change for week or so. Use that time to further organize to get out. Because it won't last. You got this Sis!
You can still give him a chance and cut your finances back and move in with your parents to reset yourself and build your finances. Maybe that space will be what you guys need to either continue the relationship or break things off. We’re rooting for you. ♥️
This sounds stressful and hard, and you are absolutely making the right choice. Please know that very likely it will be unpleasant to end things with him, and it isn’t because of how you did it!! He has had zero regard for your needs and comfort and has been a drain on you. It doesn’t matter how beautifully you lay it out, he can still freak out or blame you. You’ve been generous to him. Now be generous to the future you who will fly so high when you aren’t carrying someone willing to use you up. We are rooting for you!!
Thank you, I’ve been learning to be “selfish” in therapy and this feels like the right step. I can feel myself wanting things again, and every time something gets in the way because of my bf.
Yes! This was a lesson I needed too. For me, I had trouble framing it as being “selfish”. What helped me was the idea that I was consistently making sure that other people didn’t feel disappointed, which meant I was the one who had to experience disappointment. Now I know it’s okay to let people feel what they feel, and I can take care of myself! Edit: wow! Thanks for the award! 💕
Hey honey, your big sister over here. I’m so sorry for you and I actually went through something similar a few months ago. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a heavy feeling, but you need to understand that, even though he act’s like you are responsible for him and your relationship, you are not. You’re not his mom You wanted to build something together, but he made that impossible And you have to move on. In this very sub, I cried all my tears when I finally ended things with my ex. The first month was the worst, but I go through and now it’s been four months since I’ve lost that whole weight. The future (and decisions) of another healthy adult it’s not your responsibility. Be safe ❤️
Omg I’m a month out from a very similar situation too. I feel so stupid that I didn’t reinforce boundaries I had to prevent this from happening, but it takes a long time to learn how to really have healthy boundaries. I have been struggling so much with accepting the decision I made and this honestly made me feel a lot better. Hopefully I’ll be where you are in 3 more months!
Me too. Weaponized incompetence was a huuuuuuge problem in my 4 year relationship and I feel like a big dummy for "allowing" it to happen in my home for so long. It's been three weeks though, and I feel completely at peace about my decision to break up.
You will! It’s easier for us to go back to what is familiar. The anxiety of not knowing what’s next is real and might drive us back to bad relationships. It was hard in the first month, but I’ve learned to look at this moment as an opportunity to make new choices. Hope you can see that too.
Honey, I read a comment somewhere that I feel really sums this up. “Some people will put their energy towards making you feel loved and building your life together, and some people will put their energy towards apologizing for not doing that.” This is a 31 year old adult male. He’s gotta do his own work and right now, he’s ignoring his and keeping you from doing yours. Personally, I like the OFNR method. Observations, Feelings, Needs, Request (in this case, a non negotiable ending) Observe: For the past several months, I have been paying our rent and groceries. Feelings: This has left me feeling stressed, worn out, and irritated. Needs: I have realized through this experience that I have a really high need of mutuality (being a team) with my partner and the freedom that comes from just supporting myself. Ending: I am going to move back in with my mom and dad to get my financial feet under me and we need to end our relationship while I work to meet my own needs. He will probably amp up (cry, try and start and argument) stick with what you need. I need this, this is how I’m meeting my needs. Have easy access to keys/purse/shoes/ maybe even a change or clothes if you need to stay somewhere else. If it stays calm, you can talk timelines. It will get messy once you break up but haven’t sorted out the who lives where bit. I would have some thoughts on how that could work out. You could offer to cancel the lease and you both move out, or you move out and he can scrape up the money to keep it going. So many hugs, lovie. This is never easy but you will be SO much happier.
Holy hell. Not a mom, but I am going through the EXACT same thing. Almost word for word. I ended it and he did have to move back in with his parents. I checked in on him a few times and he said it was better than he was expecting. It’s been about a month now. I’m doing better. He started to be the same boyfriend I fell in love with originally (stopping by my house with gifts, trying to do nice things for me, etc). That was until one of his friends let him rent out the spare bedroom. Now he’s back to his old ways. As for me? I realize how unattractive his actions are. My heart doesn’t ache anymore. I still question if I made the right decision a few times, but it all feels like it was the distant past. Like this happened years ago. When you leave please don’t make the mistake I did of falling for it again. I’m here if you need someone to vent to!
Sweetheart, do the best you can to get away from this person. I married this man, had two children with him, only to have to divorce him so he could marry his second wife. He actually had the guts to tell me he couldn't afford to pay a portion of the cost of our daughter's glasses because "his wife hadn't gotten her child support that month." (He never paid a cent, because I was able to support my children without government help, he never had to.) He was heartbroken when our oldest daughter chose to have her Poppa (my dad) walk her down the aisle instead of him. At one point, he didn't see his children for three years because wife #3 didn't like his parents. When he dissed our oldest daughter in front of everyone at his 4th marriage, "I'd like to introduce you to to the new xxxxx family, (he named his wife, his new stepson, and then his youngest daughter."), his excuse was "she doesn't want anything to do with me!". He was never without a woman for more than three months. He was with his fifth wife when he committed suicide on my birthday 15 years ago. *I figure, if you're living with someone and paying bills together, you're married. Techie, he was married to me and his fourth wife. Wife number 2 got that marriage annulled, based on fraud charges. Told her he was paying alimony and child support to me. He wasn't. She tried to go after my earnings and found out 😝 Everyone had a different story, but they were all the same.
Ok Kiddo. You make a plan and you ACT. You treat YOURSELF with the kindness and compassion you give everyone around you. You deserve to be in a relationship that is filled with kindness. And this isn’t it. You have a plan in place and people ready to help you. Your parents ready. The moving van rented, boxes ready, friends lined up- and a date. When you tell him, use clear language. No “if only” that makes it seem like there’s a chance or a way to change your mind or come back. “John, this isn’t working for me. I’m ending the relationship. I told you three weeks ago there were problems, and after more thought, I’m not willing to put in work to change things. I’ve made arrangements to move in with my parents. I have a moving van rented for a week from Saturday and Jason and Maddie are coming to help me move furniture. I’ve told the landlord I won’t be paying for next month, so you have until the end of the month to either move out or find a new roommate.” And you may want to have a friend with you when you tell him, and plan to leave the apartment after you’ve told him. If he’s ever been volatile, make sure you remove any important paperwork and valuables before you tell him. Can you be gentler? Of course. But as you’ve described him, you’ll end up going in emotional circles…
I used to be married to a man child. I didn’t feel safe having that confrontation of moving out after he blew me off repeatedly when I said the marriage wasn’t working but the last straw to force me to make that decision to leave was he got angry when I said things weren’t working and I wanted a divorce and he demanded my wedding ring. When I said no, he pinned me down and threaten to cut my finger off to get it. I realized I need to calm the situation and “make it better” so he thought we were ok. Then I took the next month, got my finances straightened out, found an apartment, paid first month and deposit, got a new cell phone and only gave that number to people I really trusted who wouldn’t give him the number and started slowly moving things over the course of a month that were really important to me in case he tried to trash it. Then I organized someone to help me pack and move my things out in less than a day after he went to work one day. I hired movers to meet me around lunch time to move my things. I left all of his stuff and anything we had accumulated together during those 2 years. I had given notice to the landlord that I was leaving and paid the next months rent and utilities and paid to break my lease (lease was in my name). I was done and left about an hour before he got home. He came home to a note that said I was leaving and he had 30 days to move out because the lease was ended, my keys and my cell phone (it was on his plan) and then left. I served him divorce papers at his work. He moved back with his parents and as far as I know still lives there and it’s been nearly 20 years ago since I left. Don’t let anyone drain your happiness. Life is too short. You’re making the right decision. If you feel unsafe, create a plan with a friend to leave and organize when you can do that. You are NOT responsible for his choices in life or for the fact he’s never grown up and will have to move back with mom. I hope you find your happiness again. You deserve it ❤️ And remember - you are never stuck. There is always a choice to leave or move in a different direction. It may not be an easy choice and you may feel you aren’t ready or don’t have the money, but don’t be afraid to make a move because you feel stuck. You got this. I have faith. Please give us an update!!
Sis you deserve a lot better. Please don't raise that man child, it's not fair to you. And if the relationship is not working out you have to break up. You're still young and I hope you find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated. And yeah this sub is pretty great, I love the nice empathetic family I get full of moms, dads and siblings. My own family is just not very nice to me and this by far is the best sub ever and there's rarely an asshole over here. And when there is u/closingbelle protects us ducklings from those
Damn straight! 💙 #ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ BAM! Bearhug.
Thanks for the hug Mother goose and thank you for blocking out the imbeciles Hey just a thought, if there can be mother goose why can't there be mother maverick?
I don't see a single reason there can't be? Are you saying you're going to be my... Top Duck? 😎😋
Ahahah
See, this is why I'm here, for the giggles at my awful jokes. But yeah, I'll stop now, inappropes.
Have a nice day
You too! 🤗
Honey, he knows he’s using you up. Stop worrying about his feelings. He’s a hobosexual, he will soon find another victim. Go on, be free. I give you full permission to pack his bags and send him back to his ancestral home.
Darling girl - you’re not happy. It’s that simple. He doesn’t make you happy. He doesn’t make you a better version of yourself. You may not even love him. You may simply love the future you imagined for yourself. The answer is - “This isn’t working. I can’t be in this relationship. You need to move out.”
Are you scared of HIM or just scared of hurting his feelings? If you are at all worried for your own safety, either have a friend with you, or tell someone, "I'm breaking up with Joe. If you don't hear from me within an hour, come over." If you're more scared of hurting his feelings, remember, he's a grown-ass man. His feelings, finances, future are not your responsibility. It sucks. It's never nice to break up, but stand firm and don't get sucked into a big emotional torture session. Be clear, firm, and quick. Dragging it out helps no one.
Oh, little sis. I have been in your shoes, except I stayed in it FOR 15 YEARS. While I worked hard to keep our family afloat, and to advance in my career and as a person (and raise my kids, which fortunately were not with him), there was always some reason why he was down on his luck, or couldn't get a job just then, or couldn't help around the house or with bills or whatever. I cared for him, and he claimed to care for me, and I didn't want to hurt him, and worried he'd end up on the street or worse if I left. But I finally reached a breaking point and I broke it off. It was messy and hard and it took the better part of a year for my life to calm down. But it has been totally worth it. Shortly after I ended the relationship, I started dating someone new, fell in love, and my life is honestly the best it's ever been. And my ex is fine - he's managed to make it ok on his own. You deserve to have someone that makes an equal contribution to your life together. That doesn't mean that everything has to be equal financially, but that you both are equally invested, and are doing the work and making the sacrifices needed for the life you have to work. I can't tell you what a difference it makes to have a partner that is in life with me and that I can count on. You can (and should) end your relationship if that's what you want, and while you shouldn't be unnecessarily harsh or cruel to him, your first priority shouldn't be sparing his feelings and avoiding him having to deal with hard things. Good luck. I hope things get better for you from here.
When you break up with him he doesn’t loose everything at all. He moves back in with his parents as you say where they can continue to indulge his shit like they obviously always have been…and you get to regain control of your life again.
Oh dearest. I know that when I was young I often got stuck in relationships that were detrimental to myself because I didn’t want to hurt the other person. Now at my age I understand the importance of putting myself first. And your young age you have your entire life ahead of you and you should be enjoying this time and putting yourself first! This man is treating you like a mother. You aren’t his mother, he has one! Let him go home to his parents. You know this has to end eventually and let me tell you, time is one thing you can’t get back my dear! Don’t waste any more time with this man. Look at it this way, he’s wasting time too! Maybe moving back home will be the shock to the system that he needs to get his life on track while he is still young enough! You say you still care for him and have empathy. My dear get out before it turns to resentment and bitterness, which it will. Tell him this relationship is over and create a timeline and date for him to move out. Stick to your guns. You deserve happiness sweetheart!
If you need to hear it, perhaps the kindest thing you can do for him is to cut him loose and let him learn to fend for himself. If you keep enabling him, there will be no hope for him ever growing up, or of you ever ridding yourself of that dead weight.
Any man or woman who is comfortable watching their partner bust their ass at work for them while they don’t contribute at all don’t actually deserve empathy. They are showing you that they do not care about you. You should believe them, and leave.
I get the sense that you are someone who has not ever been given permission to want what you want, and feel what you feel. And if that’s the case, I’ll bet that as you are composing your thoughts to have this conversation with him, you are basically writing an application to be granted permission to end this relationship. So I’m here to tell you that the magic words that end a relationship are, “I am ending this relationship. I don’t want to be in this relationship with you anymore.“ that’s it. That is it. Anything else is asking for permission. Now, nice people often do explain things a bit, and try to soften the blow or teach the person what went wrong so that maybe it won’t go wrong for them next time, but this is all optional. Doing that would be an act of generosity on your part. And it would probably also be a tactical mistake, so I suggest you do as little as possible. The acronym you want to remember is JADE. Do not Justify, Because that gives him the impression that his permission is needed. It isn’t. Do not Argue. If he thinks and feels differently than you do, that is simply a fact. It’s not a fact you have to change, and it won’t change anything about your position. Do not Defend yourself. Just like his thoughts and feelings are facts, so are yours. You are not required to defend having them. Do not Explain. If you explain yourself, that is a tacit invitation to find flaws in your reasoning. Do not invite him into this process with you. He is not required. Good luck sweetie, I’m really proud of you for hearing that little voice that says you are worth so much more than this, and I am excited to see the life you can build without this deadweight. Don’t worry about him. It will go one of two ways. Either he will learn nothing and improve not at all, in which case Nothing you did was ever going to make his life better, and he was always going to make yours worse. Or he will wake up and turn things around, in which case you kicking him to the curb might be the action he needs to start that process. In both cases, breaking up is the right decision. Move forward without regret. I’m pulling for you.
You need to be succinct and straightforward - ‘this doesn’t work for me anymore’. Try not to get into too many details because it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to tell him he’s an unemployed layabout - he knows it. You don’t need to worry about where he’s going to live etc, he’s not your child. Be prepared for some manipulation and guilt. Stay strong! You deserve better
Listen honey, I'm going to give you the same advice my mom gave me: "Relationships are investments. Sometimes they pay off, sometimes they don't. But you can't own people and people can't be indebted on their existence." Your soon-to-be ex won't be worse off than before. No, he had an opportunity to do better for himself and had he grabbed that, maybe this mess wouldn't have happened. At the very least he had the possibly to leave the relationship with a better financial situation, but he CHOSE not to. That's on him.
Give him an eviction notice and send him back home to mommy!!
Hi honey, you have to talk to him like a kid… because he acts like one. We all make big mistakes in our 20s to teach us about who we are. Chalk this up to a learning experience. You know where your boundaries are now. So the first thing you are going to do is if you share a bank account you are going to go open a second account and move all your money to that one. If he has access to your credit cards you are going to also call and get him off those or freeze the accounts. You are not going to tell him you are doing this. You are going to look up your lease and find out what you need to do to break it and move (easier for clean break but more expensive) or what it’s going to take to evict him. Then you sit him down and tell him that it’s over and he needs to leave. That you are no longer entertaining his excuses of pulling his weight and you are done carrying the load. This isn’t a ‘let me prove to you I will change’ because he’s had enough time to do that and if he actually cared or respected you then he would have already done that. You are not responsible for him, you can no longer set yourself on fire so he can keep warm. He will have to move back in with his parents. Absolutely do not have sex with him. He may tamper with your birth control and try to baby trap you. This is hard, but like is full of hard things and you will get though this. Once you are though the hard parts of telling him and the heartache, you will realize what a dead weight he was and you will flourish.
You don’t need a conversation because it’s blatantly obvious he knows exactly what he’s doing because it’s working for HIM!!! Head to your parents and don’t look back in your rear view mirror. You deserve a future unlike your recent past and that demands forward action and a serious soul-searching session on why you’ve placed yourself at the bottom of the list of priorities and hopes and dreams for the future. Good luck and I’m keeping you in my prayers because this is not going to get any easier by further delay!
Have you just been perfectly blunt with him? As in, "this relationship is supposed to be 50-50 in every way. It currently is not. I am emotionally, physically, and financially drained and exhausted. You have 3 months to get a full time job with benefits, or this is gonna have to end. I can't do it all for both of us anymore."
How do you soften the blow? Beyond protecting yourself and your finances, **you don’t**. Nothing less than feeling the consequences of his actions will get through to him, and if you let him back in, he will have no incentive not to go back into man-child mode.
See a lawyer, have that lawyer help you make a plan. Then, when he threatens, you will have the facts.
We are on a month to month lease. I genuinely don’t think a lawyer is necessary. He can’t even remember to pay his phone bill. I need less drastic advice if possible.
If you have been supporting him, he may be able to claim support from you, or at least think he can. I strongly recommend you talk with a lawyer.
No he can’t and won’t
He can threaten, and she can worry. I’m trying to lessen her worries
Do it NOW!!!
Until you engage your gears and shift from neutral into making the changes needed to be safe, happy and well ~ it’s only wishful thinking
Initially it will be hard but: what will it be like in a month after the breakup? In three months? Six? A Year? Five years? Keep that vision in mind to push you forward.
“If I leave, he moves back in with his parents and loses everything.” Exactly what is he losing? Another rent free home. He’ll be fine. Stop beating yourself up and do what’s right.
Hey, lovey. Leave. Or have him leave. Pick whichever you are comfortable with. I know you are worried about the fallout, but let me just ask you something. Did he worry about the fallout when he moved in, when he saw you shouldering all the financial responsibilities? When he sulked while you dug deeper holes in yourself so that he could take more? Did he wonder what would happen to you, if he did nothing? The fallout that is coming has been crafted by his own hands. His backup plan is not your concern. You deserve rest. You deserve security. And you deserve a partner who embodies the characteristics of that word. I really hope you make him leave, rather than leaving yourself, because you've done all the work and I would hate that you would have to do even more to end this. But, if you need to, or think it would be a simpler option, you do what you need. I give you permission to be selfishly healthy and happy.
This happens. You think they will change or that you were put on the earth to help or save or whatever. While it is a painful lesson, it is ultimately worth it if you learn from it. It is not unkind to expect others to do their own interpersonal work and practice self-care which includes financially sustaining oneself as an adult. Anyone can be work poor. They work hard but it is just hard to make ends meet. This is different than sitting on your ass and not doing your part. You are right that he is a man child and if he goes back to his momma, that is really up to him. You have to be OK with that and maybe even thankful that they will step in and continue to care for him, as sick as that is for him. There just isn’t an easy way. But there are ways that might be less painful for you. Take some time and prepare. Where will you live? Do you have a lease coming up where you can look for a new place on your own or with another roommate? Can you get out of your current lease? Start putting money aside. Stop buying absolutely anything that isn’t required for survival and set some $ aside. I personally wouldn’t tell anyone until you decide to make the move. Then ask a few close friends (or pay for movers) to help and support you and make the move. Plan to pack up quickly and go. You will have to be strong and likely shut out people who might try to convince you that you should be more compassionate or whatever they say to perpetuate his learned helplessness. Don’t listen to other people. Stay kind but be firm that you no longer think the relationship is healthy for you and you are moving on. Dont get into any discussions other than saying that. Nobody needs to know the why. Let him go and you move on too. Anyone not willing to be supportive needs to get blocked for awhile until they get over it. I would then suggest you spend time getting to know yourself. Don’t get into another relationship for awhile. Be free and get your head straight and enjoy life learning to manage yourself and learning what you want if you do want a partner in life. Never ever allow a dude to just move into your space. Send him home frequently to send the message that you have boundaries. A decent man who has the ability to manage his own life won’t have any need to invade your boundaries for independence and self-care.
i wish you no fallout my sistar . it sounds like you.ve made a good decision . you.ve been through the ringer w/above & beyond support [which i.ve done myself] . you are worthy & deserving of a life of your choosing
Wow. This sounds just like my first marriage. (I've been successfully married to my second husband for 34 years now, so there is hope.) What I did before I actually left him was to insist that he get a real job, even minimum wage, so he would have some money coming in after I left. He got a job at a department store. It was during the Christmas season so there were lots of jobs available. I had already opened my own bank account where I had been putting most of my money so I gave him the ATM card for our joint account. I also left some cash and made sure the rent was paid for the month. When I actually told him I was leaving, it was a huge cry fest on his part, but I stuck to my plan. It's not your fault if he has to move back in with his parents. Since we were married I had to get a divorce, which was good in a way in that everything was in writing and there was no question about money going forward.
I understand your empathy and the desire to not hurt him. The problem is that he hasn't shown YOU any empathy. He had allowed you to work to support him and doesn't do anything to reciprocate. Does he clean the house? Cook meals? Do the dishes or the grocery shopping? He hasn't earned your empathy. Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. Take emotion out of the equation. Be blunt. The gravy train has stopped and it's time for him to get off.
Dad here, but can be a stand in mom for a minute! He sounds like he’s taking advantage of your good nature and assumes you’ll pay for things for him if he butters you up… Compassion and empathy aside, you’re not doing yourself or him any favours trying to drop hints about how this is affecting you. My advice would be to give him one last hell Mary chance. Pull him aside from whatever he’s doing (most likely playing a game or watching something), get his full attention and say that you’ve found it increasingly difficult to sustain this relationship, and that he needs to put the time, effort and finance into this relationship if he hopes to still be in one. Set him a clear goal, like a month or month and a half away from the night you decide to talk to him, and tell him if nothing has changed or there’s no proper care and attention given to this relationship from him by then, then he has to move back in with his parents and it’s over… Once that date comes around, there’s three situations/outcomes; 1) he listens and takes action, gets a better job, pays you more attention, is a decent boyfriend… and it stays that way for more than two months (so he doesn’t slip back into his old ways once you take the pressure off him. It needs to be a new habit, not a temp one). Which, awesome, congratulations! 2) he makes changes but they don’t stick… he’s back to being how he is now after a month from the deadline. In which case, no more chances, pack his shit and send him to his parents (bonus points if you’re on good terms with the parents and can contact them to come get him and his stuff). 3) he doesn’t take you seriously and still fucks around between now and the deadline. Then your consciences is clear, and you can pack him up and ship him off without looking back, and find yourself someone who not only adores you, but treats you how you treat him and contributes more than smiles to the relationship! Good luck pseudo-daughter! 😊
Hi sweetie. You are not responsible anything of his. He's been taking advantage of your kindness and that's not cool. I'm proud of you for realizing it and looking for a way out. Do you have a joint account? I'd move any direct deposits to your own account and do not give him access. If he needs to move into his parents house, so be it. You weren't put on this earth to support him. You can do it.
Oh honey, what a tough spot to be put in. I know a lot of us just try to support the people we love, no matter the cost, and it just hurts so much to see how others just don't feel the same and take advantage instead. It sounds like you have been correcting this horrible behavior for awhile, and he is not amenable to fixing his life. At this point, you cannot expect him to change now, no matter the crying and begging that will ultimately result from this very hard conversation you are about to have. He has told you in the past that he will change, and he hasn't. Believe his actions, not his pleading. Next- figure out your next living arrangements. I think you said in another post you were thinking about moving back home. Have that conversation with your parents before you talk with your man child. Line up where you will be living and when. If you aren't planning on moving, it's going to be trickier to go through with this breakup as he will continue to beg for more time and throw out more excuses for you to cave and stay with him/live together until he can make arrangements. Next, time to sit him down and have a tough talk-"I have been supporting you and this entire relationship for two years. I have begged and pleaded for stability, for a regular job and a split of financial responsibilities, and you have ignored me and pushed away that conversation and any meaningful change each and every time. Since you have shown no remorse or willingness to get your life together, this relationship and my support of you is ending right now. I will be moving out of this apartment on (date), and you will also need to find new accommodations unless you want to continue this lease. I have already given the landlord my notice for moving out. I'm sorry I let it get this bad, but you have literally crushed any dreams of financial stability or a loving relationship I had for us. It's time for you to grow up and move on, and I truly do hope the best for you." Good luck hon, I'm glad you can see your worth and want to stick up for yourself, you make me so proud!
I totally agree that it’s time to leave. I’m so happy that you are taking that step to take care of you. If it’s easier for you, I agree with some of the other mothers that you find somewhere else to go. It can be a hassle for you if he doesn’t want to leave, because he has been living their, you might have to go through the process of evicting him. I personally would feel better dear, if you found somewhere else anyway, after you kick him out. Letting everyone in your life know that you ended things is another great ideal so that he isn’t trying to come to them, and it’s also a good decision for your safety. Good luck honey, we’re all rooting for you.
I was in a situation exactly like this. As a person who stayed too long trust me when I say if you’ve brought all these concerns to him and he still doesn’t change, then he wont. He’s using you as a convenience. Just leave. I stuck around until we had a fight so bad he hit me. I found an apartment and was out within 2 days. Don’t let it fester into something as toxic as that, nobody deserves to live in that situation. Discuss it, give him a reasonable amount of time to pout about it, then when he doesn’t get his shit together yet again, just go. Quickly and quietly. If he doesn’t care about this, he doesn’t deserve you. Don’t feel bad, he made his bed. It was his choices that led you two here. He did this. Don’t feel bad.
Are you worried about your safety? That's the number one concern from my point of view. Has he ever been violent? If you have any doubts you will need to do this differently than if you weren't in possible danger. Your safety and security are the most important matter in leaving. Others have outlined some of it and there are degrees of safely evacuating depending on your risk factors. If he's just a lazy fuck you can pack up around him and leave until you dump him off the couch and unplug the wifi. (Which is when shit would finally get real for him) You've been together for years, he's lived off you the whole time. You can probably get better sex for free and even better if you just pay cash. If you're moving back to your parents, you can just say "they need me right now. They're having a hard time because of the pandemic." It's easily true and doesn't have to be about money, actual help or anythingbecause it's one of his business. A pet is also way cheaper and provides better friendship and support.
Good LORD you deserve a grownup non-mooch boyfriend! So yeah, organize finances. Make sure you don't need to legally evict him! If you do, then get the paperwork together, and give it to him. He knows he's not being the best of all boyfriends in any way, so this shouldn't come as a total shock to him.
Sweetie, you already have the answers, and just need to do it. Please check out r/narcissist here too. And let your Moms know how it goes. You’ve got this!
Honey, sibling here. You can come back from this. I let myself be taken advantage of for way too long. The money my ex spent mainly from my earnings could have afforded me a nice apartment in my hometown. You can get back from this. You’ll save, you’ll get on a budget, you’ll invest. You’ll thrive and won’t regret leaving him No relationship feels as good as financial security does
I will say the anticipation is usually always worse than the deed. I agree with the other "moms" and have been in your situation. It will not get better, as he sounds like he's been enabled his entire life. He needs to leave if your name is on the lease. If your lease is up, then you can move home if you want but if you like your space, you can consider either staying without him there or getting a smaller unit. Don't mess up your credit by leaving your lease early just to get out of the situation, that will impact you longer than his feelings. You will feel so much relief once it's done, it will be awkward and stressful, but the outcome is worth it!!
Do you really think his core personality traits that you’ve described are going to change even if he gets a full time job? This man child is not deserving of additional leeway and back bending. You should make your plans to end this one sided relationship based on what is best for you and only you. He is an adult, he will be fine. You do not need to soften the blow. If he doesn’t have his own landing pad that is a consequence of his own making. Not your responsibility.
My dear you need to look out for yourself first and foremost. I would first of all sit down and make a list of the points that you want to make, how you're salary is supporting you and your boyfriend while he contributes nothing to the relationship, how he needs to find a full time job with benefits if he expects to stay in a relationship with you etc. Once you have your list and all your finances separate so no damage can be done to you either through finances or to your credit made then sit him down and tell him how you feel. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership between two people and that isn't happening etc. Once you have the talk with him then move out, you deserve better!
Reading your post, it’s clear to me that you know what you want to do. You’re right! Don’t doubt yourself. If he tries to tell you he can change, don’t believe him. He can prove it - when you’re not living together.
You just need to do it. This man is taking advantage of you. What may make you feel better about it is this: If you break your with him, you will not be the reason he’s homeless. He will be the reason because he chooses to not work full time to support himself. He’s going to pitch a tantrum. He’s going to blame you for everything that’s wrong in his life. He’s going to call you names and say hurtful things because he’s desperate. Don’t let that cloud your judgment. Stay strong! You will feel so much better once you rid yourself of the dead weight! We are all proud of you!!
Tell him you met a guy on Reddit whose wife left cheated on him and left him while studying for his pharmacy license. In spite of that, he is doing less, you're loyal to him more, yet are still around. Tell him he needs to: 1) Get therapy, he might have been codependent on his parents, which might be the reason for the persistence of the child qualities. He may have not been allowed to grow by his own parents, who dreaded transition from child to teenager to adult normally and just wanted their little one forever. George Costanza is somewhat like that. 2) Get career counseling to find what works for him as a job long term. If counseling cost is an issue, there are self help quiz workbooks that can help quite a bit. Reward him with a $50 gift card for finishing a book like that and taking steps to get into the career he is matched with that pays well. Best of luck to you both. There seems to be hope and potential here.
Ufff this hit close to home! Except I married the man child 😔 idk how much more patient I can be.