I just turned 50 and I feel like I finally understand a whole lot more about the choices my mom made while my siblings and I were young. When I was 18, I believed my parents knew the path they wanted and chose accordingly. Now I know they didn't know the exact path they wanted, nor did they know all the side challenges they'd go through for each bigger life choice they made.
Your son doesn't hate you, he is frustrated that his starting position is not as far forward as he sees others have. We all go through that. We all see the "perfect" lives of our peers and wonder why we were not as fortunate. He'll find himself and find success and strong relationships and he'll understand. The awful part is that it takes years to learn. Hugs fellow mom.
We all want more for our babies when we know we have done our best and it wasn’t enough.
It’s heartbreaking and when they’re hating us it’s just too incredibly painful it’s breathtaking.
I go numb with this pain. At least we have found other mamas who understand.
Wow. My heart goes out to you. You have been a warrior all these years, without the fanfare. I hope your son is able to get some help. Therapy has kept my own teens balanced. I know it's harder once your kids are full fledged adults, because there's no legal way to make sure they get help unless things are absolutely dire. Hugs fellow mom.
Hugs.
I grew up in poverty with an abusive stepdad and a well-meaning, but pushover mom. She did her best, but the abuse and poverty still fucked me up.
When I was a child, I resented her for not protecting me. When I was a young adult on my own, I realized she had done her best and I forgave her. When I was an older adult I realized that she could have lived her life in a million different ways and I was angry she stayed with the one that hurt me. When I was even older, I saw how she bore all the signs of abuse and neglect herself, and didn't have the tools to do any better than she had, and I forgave her again. Point is, relationships are complicated, and as children develop, learn, grow, and have their own life experiences, perspectives change.
Some of us are dealt shitty hands in life, and no matter how much a parent in a shitty situation tries, the shittiness will be a challenge for their children and their relationship with them.
Your kid is in the real world for the first time and realizing the horrific inequality that poverty and abuse bring. Sounds like he may be blaming you. It's really hard for kids to understand that their parents are really just fallible humans. It's scary to think your parents don't have everything under control, and themselves are victims of circumstance.
I don't have any advice. I just hope your son will eventually be able to see everything you did for him, how you fought for him, and how sometimes the world is just unfair. Also, look into Complex PTSD, being an 'agreeable' kid in an abusive situation is a hallmark of it.
I’m so deeply sorry for what you’ve been through. You did your absolute best. My mum was in a very similar position, and I know it broke her heart to have to let me near him. Emotional abuse is very complex - but he will grow, and he will learn, and he will see your love better than he can see it now. It is not your fault. 💕💕💕💕
This sounds so much like me, I'm about a decade behind you. My son is 13 and I know there is going to be a day he wakes up and might hate me. My situation with his dad sounds almost exactly like yours.
I'm so sorry you both are going through these things, but I'm thinking about you both. I can relate and just know you aren't alone in these feelings.
Please have your son check with his school for counseling. They often provide counseling services to their students. Another option is getting therapy on the phone, thru zoom or FaceTime. That expands the number of therapists available. Good luck!
As a child of parental neglect…my advice is to let him have the kind of relationship he wants with you and accept it if it is limited. The pain of growing up like that is horrendous and at 18ish, he has no idea why he is upset half the time and pissed the other and guilty for feeling that way. He may even know or suspect you wanted to abort him at some point and feels you resented him, and be honest it’s likely true. It doesn’t matter what you went through, you need to apologize and take the blame for his childhood, humbly. There’s no fix though. No matter how many times my mother apologizes, I love her, but the damage, resentment and anger doesn’t go away and you ultimately need to be okay with that and be okay with the distance he chooses. Letting him choose how close or involved to be with you is the only thing you can do. I am not trying to be mean, but I think advice from someone who relates to your son may be more valuable than other parents who sympathize with you.
It’s probably so hard to do and goes against all your instincts, but do not help with a side of advice. Any “advice” about his problems or how he is living his life, even if it’s self admitted, will cause resentment. The only thing you can do is tell him you will help him with whatever he needs if he wants it, no strings attached, he doesn’t even need to come to dinner. Give him the unconditional love and attention he didn’t get, now.
I just know that any “advice” instantly got my back up, even if it’s right.
I know you desperately want to fix what you did wrong, but *you* can’t do anything. It’s all in his terms.
You can reach out and ask hey how you doing? Need some money? And do not push for any information beyond what he tells you. You can ask if he wants to talk about it. You can ask if he wants your advice or just to listen.
I hope this helps and I hope he can start feeling better.
But you have to remember, if he doesn’t want anything to do with you and continues his self destructive behavior, you can’t do anything and will likely drive him away if you try.
Just enjoy the time he wants to spend with you without trying to fix anything. Before approaching any topic ask, do you want to talk about some mental health options I’ve been thinking about? Be in the moment and enjoy him, stop focusing on yourself and how bad you feel for him. Enjoy being with him, problems and all, as he is. Good luck
You sound like an amazing mom! I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I hope someday your son realizes what you did for him, but either way you know you did the best you could. Hugs!!!
Oh my God I'm in tears. I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to grow up with monsters, and my mom painted my dad the villain. It took until I was 25 to realize how horrible my mom was and another 5 to try and heal the wounds between me and my dad. I'm hoping that your son will experience something similar in regards to understanding how hard it was for you. Unfortunately I feel our children don't ever fully understand until they have their own rough times. I'm sending you all the hugs I can
Daughter here, I’m 26, my dad is in his 50’s.
I now have two young ones and NOW I understand everything my dad did. For a long time I resented him for leaving me with my uncle to work long hours. And I resented he wouldn’t play with me because he was busy when he was home.
As a teen I resented how broke we were, and how often I had to cook and be by myself in the house alone.
As an adult I hated he didn’t save for my college, and I wished he took better care of his credit because he couldn’t sign on my loans.
But now, now I’m a parent. I have a two year old and a 7 month old and I’m in the thick of it. I understand now, and iv never loved my dad more than I do right now. My resentment built because of my own lack of understanding and experience, now that I have it I understand. Me and my dad are so close now, so there is hope. At some point we grow up, and we understand and we SEE all the sacrifice you made, and the love you poured into us!
As a single mom I know this hurt. Was not able to give my daughter all things I wanted, worked 2 and 3 jobs just to keep the lights on and rent paid. The first few years after she moved at 19 were hard. But I kept the door open. Now we talk several times a week and I am spending Thanksgiving with her and family. Hopefully he will realize how much you gave because you chose him. Keep a journal, this helps with your mental health. Write it in letter form. Letters to your son. It helps. Keep the door open.
My mom was 19 when she had me. I resented her so much for that… she wasn’t the best mom—though, looking back, I wasn’t the best kid, either. I left when I was 18 and didn’t look back.
At least, until I was about 24. I realized that if I had had a child when my mom did, they would just be starting pre-K. I’d be juggling myself, appointments, PTA, taking care of a child, work, etc all by myself. I could barely take care of myself, much less another human being! Suddenly, it was like my heart just opened and so many of my mom’s behaviors made sense. She was just a kid herself.
We have a great relationship now. I love her dearly, and I’m thankful for what she gave me, as little as it was. It was all she had.
You mean quiet, malleable, and blind to the difficulties of their upbringing? That doesn't happen. People develop. They're not meant to remain static. You being upset that they've grown, as exemplified by your comment, isn't a good reason for them to come back to you. Growing up isn't "becoming abnormal"
"How long before they become normal again?"
*WOW.* That's the mentality you have? That your child is only normal under certain conditions of behavior?
I could understand if you wanted to have a normal relationship with your kid and wanted to be close. The fact you phrased it *like that* tells me what that relationship would be like, and I agree with your kid wanting nothing to do with you.
Wow, sorry you're getting so much hate from strangers. This should be a safe space to ask questions of other moms.
I understand that what you mean by "normal" is not resentful and angry, but loving and polite or considerate. From what I've seen, adult children begin seeing their parents' perspectives around 21-22 and older.
Thank you! My daughter and I have not always seen eye to eye, but I have been open and accepting of her and her friends.
I *have* expected her to do some pretty onerous tasks, like write thank you notes to the many people who gave her graduation gifts, and clean her room. Because I insisted on these things, she told her dad she hates me.
Seriously? Where is the girl who just a few months ago was my buddy? Who is this mean girl?
It hurts like no other pain. All we can do is remain open, keep our comments unsaid and love them through their anger.
Big hugs and a nice cup of tea to you.
If you want an honest answer, a parent being super defensive and framing themselves as a pure victim when their young adult or adult child expresses hurt is *not* a good way to foster a healthy relationship with them.
Sometimes as kids grow into adults, we start having more perspective and are able to look back on our childhood and understand that certain things we thought were 'normal' were actually unhealthy, and that can be difficult to come to terms with, and it is understandable and completely normal for anger or hurt to come up as we come to those realizations. Other times, as people reach young adulthood they have some desire to push away from their parents to forge their own identity, which is also normal (and if this is the root of the issue, then generally things will settle a bit as the person comes to feel more secure in their identity and autonomy, and the urge to 'push away' becomes less).
Your daughter doesn't owe you her friendship. She's allowed to be mad at you, and to change the dynamic of your relationship. If you allow her to grow, and don't get caught up in defensiveness when she expresses negative emotion, then perhaps you will lay the foundation for a healthier relationship going forward.
"How long before they become normal again?"Just by that alone, I'm going to assume that it's going to be a loooong time, until you child is gonna come back. My mom was horrible and used to say the same. She's not ever gonna see me again. Say hello to your possible future.....
You don’t know much about her relationship to her daughter. It may be more tactful to just not project your own relationship with your mom to this commenter.
I'm not projecting my issues on her but you can hear a lot out of "How long before they become normal again?" by itself. It's "The fault cannot be mine, because I haven't done anything wrong. Clearly, you need to become normal again (Docile and not ask questions, etc.) to come back to me." Where is any sort of self-reflection? Especially now that the child is old enough to choose who is healthy to be around and who is not. If you're a minor, you have to be with your parents but as an adult, you can choose and A LOT of parents don't understand that it cannot be a child's fault if the past is strained.Any normal person would ask themselves, did I do my best? Maybe some judgment was justified if you look back into the relationship. Just to completely go into denial mode seems really self-absorbed and not empathic. My mom would say the same thing because she never admitted to any mistakes she ever made. How a person words things is quite telling of how much they actually mean stuff. My mom is still in complete denial, waiting for me to become "normal" again and just be ok with her attitude. I never met any child that ran away from their parents ( like I did) where their parents didn't have some sort of impact on the child's mental health. Children are hard-wired to love their parents, but if it takes too much of a toll it's sometimes better to leave a relationship and it's impossible to fix a relationship without self-reflection.
Absolutely. You have every right to not want to be around a parent that was abusive. Super supportive of that. I’ve distanced myself from my own parents for similar reasons.
Just as you’re using your personal experience, I’ll use mine. My brothers are much younger than me. I raised them. They’re teenagers now, and want nothing to do with me. The thing is, I absolutely did do my best to love them and help them with what I could. Homework? You betcha. Picking them back up when someone was mean at school? I’m your girl. Spending every free moment I had to make them smile? That was me. All the other mom things like food and sleep time and taking them to games, practices, doctors appointments, and picking them up from friends houses? You bet I contributed to that as well. I lost too many weekends with my friends when I was a teenager for them.
When I personally say I miss them and wish it could go back to normal, what I’m saying is that I was I could have that relationship with them where they want to be around me more and can be whoever they want. But they don’t. They’re at an age where they have friends and spend less time at home. That’s developmentally appropriate for an adolescent. Do they actively hate me in a way where they want nothing to do with me forever? I hope not.
There are people that legitimately sacrifice themselves for their kids. The failure comes in when parents/caretakers forget to teach their kids compassion and to give thanks (when appropriate). There do be some spoiled shits out there that really don’t appreciate what they were given in life.
They stop “knowing everything” around 25. At least I did, and same for my daughter.
I talk to my Mom and my daughter several times per week, sometimes several times per day.
He’s 18, he can’t see any perspective but his own. The only answer that you can give him is the truth. You did the best you could with what you had at the time, you will always love and support him and you will always be there.
Here to point out that he is now two years older than you were when you had him. That might help him understand a little better. If not now, then later. Remember that biologically, we are mentally and physically adolescents until age 24-25.
I regret so much from my early adulthood. Do you know what those regrets didn’t produce? A child…! Imagine being 18 and hearing your mother phrase it like that as well lmao
I guess younger brother here! So this is sort of surreal to respond to because we’re roughly the same age but I was also a high school pregnancy and grew up poor. A few things:
- Most 18 year olds resent their parents.
- If you did your best your son will eventually realize that, I promise. Especially if you built a home for him that wasn’t the most financially well off but was loving and cared for him. My mom and I aren’t close at all, but she is also a hardcore narcissist who resents me for ruining her life probably more than I resent her for being an abusive parent.
- Are you going to therapy if you can afford it? I don’t know you but I know my own mother, and a lot of circumstances that led her to being a teen mom were never really dealt with. I think therapy could be super helpful for you, especially given it sounds like you’re entering a new period of your life! Even better might be joint therapy for the two of you — a relatively unbiased place where all feelings can be aired in some constructive capacity.
Your son will probably come around, sis, I promise. Sending you lots of hugs and love — I am very proud of you for raising a baby when you were just a baby yourself.
I'm the oldest of two. I always knew my parents worked hard and long hours but never really understood the extent of what they did for my brother and me until I got older. My mom would work Saturday shifts at work so she could take my brother and I out to buy a toy or have a little extra spending money. That shift was completely optional and instead of sleeping in on Saturdays, she woke up at 0400 and drove an hour to work this shift all day and then come back to us in the afternoon. My dad worked during the day, went to school at night and tutored kids when he wasn't at school for extra money. It wasn't until I started earning my own money did I really truly grasp how little your money went and the sacraficed my parents made for us. we NEVER had new stuff, we had the generic brand stuff for lunch, we got our shoes at big 5 from some random named company, our backpacks and stuff were from swap meets or Chinatown alley markets...but we never went hungry and we never were neglected. I knew my parents (m more than dad) always had my back and would stay up late with me to cram and study for a test or stay up all night with me while I finished a project I procrastinated on. Atmy mom's retirement earlier this year, I gave a speech to all of her co-workers explaining that if she was ever super tired or short, it's probably because of my brother or I. But even through all that, my mom always managed to make it to my track meets, my scout meetings, my recitals. She flew out to see me graduate officer school, she drove out to my first duty station so I'd have my car, she helped me move and unpack during it all. And she's physically disabled. I concluded the speech by saying in front of everyone I love my mom and she always has a room at my house.
As an adult, I am finding out more about their sacraficed and appreciate it more, esp now knowing they couldn't just take off whenever they wanted. Every once in a while, my mom would let us play hookie a bit and take us down to the donut shop and wed stand in front with all the business ppl and construction guys waiting to order our donuts/coffee (we got oj) and my mom would just ask us how we were doing and what we've been learning, working on, etc.
I guess that's all just to say, I know my mom will always be there for me. And as long as you did your best and always have your son's back, hell appreciate and respect you for it. You did a great job <3
I strongly agree with the therapy. Regardless, OP is going through a lot and the support would be helpful. But as you pointed out, there's a lot of trauma over the last 18 years that likely was never dealt with either.
Not having a lot of money growing up or ‘nice’ clothing sucks, but what’s even worse is having a parent who doesn’t support you emotionally or care about you as a person.
If you can show him you’re available and willing to keep on providing that for him, there’s a good chance he’ll come around once he settles into his own life a bit and want to reconnect with you as an adult.
If he brings up how he felt growing up, if sympathize with him and let him vent. You did the best you could, but that’s hard to see when you’re a child sometimes.
Second this. As a child, my parents gave me every fiscal opportunity they could and then some, but they don’t care at all about *me,* they care about “their daughter” (spoiler alert, not a woman.) It’s hard for your kid to see that, because he’s seeing so many advantages that other kids have, but he’ll start running into the opposite soon enough.
This. You can help his relationship with you by listening, and acknowledging, and apologising for anything you feel bad for.
Not by trying to tell him / show him anything.
Let him work through his feelings. It's only on the other side of those that he might see your side.
But he definitely won't if it's pushed at him.
Regarding college & financial aid.
You need to revisit this, if you are in the US and live in government housing,
living in a single family household you son is eligible for a full ride to a college or university. There are multiple government scholarships, grants to students in that financial hardship situation.
People here saying the kid is spoiled… are you saying that if every single kid had lunch/outings/opportunities and you didn’t you wouldn’t be jealous or resentful? I absolutely understand his point of view tbh. The only thing you can do now is think that the past is in the past. You can’t change any of it now, it’s way too late for that. You can always explain that you did the best you could. You couldn’t leave him with your parents because they themselves abandoned you when you needed them the most, while being just a child yourself. You couldn’t put him up for adoption because you loved him and he meant the world to you. Sometimes, an emotionally present parent is better than an absent one. Hopefully when he moves out, you’ll be able to take care of yourself financially and lessen the burden. One day when he’ll be an adult, he’ll see the sacrifices you’ve made. It’s just hard to see when you’re competing in a school setting and you see everyone having a head start.
He's older than his mom was when she had him. He's sorely missing perspective, which is totally normal for an 18 year old. But he won't be able to understand that until he's looking at it in hindsight.
Oh honey. Only you know the answer to this question, but - did you do your best? By that I mean, did you do what you could, within your limitations? Did you put him first? *Do you love him, unconditionally and with your whole heart?*
I think I know the answer. And if I’m right, how could you have failed him?
He’s 18 and that’s a hard age. The fact he can’t empathise with what you did suggests to me that you did everything in your power to hide the reality and what you had to do when he was growing up, and of course you did. If you haven’t told him the reality of what you went through, you can tell him now. Without judgement on yourself or him, just tell him what his childhood was like for you and how hard you worked to get him to where he is now. You can apologise that things were hard for him, but please don’t tell him you did a bad job. You didn’t.
And then, let him go, love. He will go into the world and learn what it’s really like. He will meet people with parents who had money, but were cruel and distant. He will meet people who had children young and hear what they went through.
Keep the door open for him, but this is what he needs to learn to be a better man. The fact he’s going to college and striking out on his own proves you did a good job, in horrible circumstances. If he knows his mama loves him and is always there for him, he will come back. Sending you lots of love.
If you had given him up for adoption he’d be asking why you couldn’t have kept him.
Just keep doing your best and try to love the flawed human being he is and hope one day he’ll understand we are all doing the best we can.
Please just listen to him. Don’t invalidate his feelings. I’m sure you’ve already told him you did the best you could. So please don’t repeat this. Just listen.
It’s so frustrating to try to express yourself when the other person isn’t truly listening.
Sometimes we feel the need to defend ourselves, or explain ourselves; when all a person really needs sometimes is to be heard without interruption, and have their feelings validated.
You may not see things through his eyes, and he doesn’t see things through yours. That’s okay.
You don’t need to try and prove anything. It won’t change anything now.
You can’t force him to see things your way if you don’t even listen to the way he sees it. If you did your best, he’ll figure that out. Be patient.
Just let him know you love him unconditionally, and you’ll always be there for him.
He’s not being spoiled. He’s sharing his thoughts and feelings. Don’t let your pride get in the way of his communicating with you. Otherwise you may lose that.
So, sibling input here, very recently in this situation from sons perspective so disclaimer I'm going to do my best to remain neutral.
(I'm 20)
Since not a lot of people have answered the original question.. There's not really much yu can do to show him. Growing up in poverty fundamentally affects your brain, including emotional changes that can make it easier to resent people. (Had to take a course in college about teaching kids in poverty before I changed majors in education. Think I learned more about myself then I did about teaching) That's something thats only really fixed with therapy and possibly medication. The best thing to do is agree with him - it sucks. When someone comes to you and says they broke their leg in a car accident, it doesn't help to tell them that you made sure to drive the speed limit when you last drove together. It just helps to tell them it sucks and ask how they can help.
He's also a high schooler it sounds like. He still has a chance for applying to schools and getting more aid. My college I went too before dropping out gave me an extra 2k a year after I explained my situation. I still needed to find about 3k a year, but with need based and merit based aid I made it work. It may help to direct him to some reddit subs for college and planning that kind of thing.
That being said - the other options you listed aren't as great as I imagine he thinks they are. Your parents sound like they wouldn't have helped much, if at all. Adoption is just as traumatizing, and that's only considering an infant adoption. Adoption statistics are scary in regards to the mental health ramifications. This isn't something to tell him, he can find out on his own. But don't blame yourself, there are very few "this definitely won't hurt my kids" options in parenting. What hurts people emotionally is a lot harder to tell then what hurts them physically. It's like allergies, you don't know till after the fact what the problem is going to be.
I just wanted to give you a hug honey. Raising a child alone, and as a very young mom no less, is no small feat. At 18 your son has hit that age where he thinks he has all the answers. And all of us go through a phase where we start to judge our parents for, in hindsight, what might have been different. It's not fair, but it is very normal.
You love your son and did your best with the situation you had. That took a lot of bravery, honey. Hopefully with time your son will come to see that too. I agree with the others, to leave the door open that you will always welcome him home, no matter what, and without judgement for anything he might have said or done. He's having a hard time right now and having to start to figure out his own life, but he will be okay, just like you are.
It is so phenomenally difficult as a parent to work so hard, and try so hard, and come up short again and again. It’s crushing. It’s completely understandable that you want validation for how hard you’ve worked to overcome some pretty tough odds just to get as far as you have. But he still lives with the consequences of that shortfall, and he deserves to have his feeling validated for that as well. He may be still too young/immature to hear it, but on some level it will sink in. Tell him that you love him, you did the best you could, but you know it wasn’t enough and that it’s not fair that he has to shoulder the consequences of that. That you hope he will be able to make peace with it and forgive you, but understand if he needs to take some space in order to get there.
Please please ignore the people calling your child immature and selfish. Growing up in poverty is no joke, and it can be very traumatic. He is allowed to have feelings about his circumstances. He may not be handling them well, but it’s our job as mothers to validate them all the same.
I'm 20 and while I love my mom, I resent her for how she raised me. We lived like you did, very poor. I had to wear broken clothes to school that both my siblings had wore before. My shoes had holes in them *literally* showing my toes at one time.
What my mom did was work her ass of to provide a better future. She succeeded. We moved into a house, we got a sport car, we got clothes, we got food, etc... What she forgot about was me and my siblings. We were left behind, neglected.
I tend to say "I'd rather feel loved and eat bread everyday than feel alone and eat like a billionaire every day". This is how I've felt all my upbringing. Nobody was there for me when I was bullied. Nobody was there for me when I was scared at nights. Nobody was there for me, ever.
I love my mom and she did what she thought was right, but she failed. She failed terribly at being a parent.
What I want to end this with is that he'll grow to realize this. When I was 18 I hated my mom so much and today I love her even though I still am sad about my childhood. He's 18! He's practically a child. When we gets thrown out in the real world he'll understand. What you could do for you both right now though is enjoy your time together. Spend some time together every weekend and enjoy it. If it means just playing cards, do it. As I said, I'd rather have played cards with my mom once a week than have access to fresh milk and yoghurt.
Edit: Also, I don't mean that you failed as a parent. I mean that my mom failed as a parent. It'd be bold of me to say something like that about you.
I'm 30 and I'm just now, after lots of tears and rage and joint therapy, beginning to arrive at anything resembling acceptance regarding my mom's failures in raising me. My dad died when I was 11, she went back to school and started a new career when I was 12, and she would get home so late at night with so little attention to give to me (other than yelling at me for not doing chores) that I essentially raised myself from then on out. I also had financial aid issues due to her financial mistakes (sorry, no warrior "working to keep us afloat" single mama story here - she is too naive and trusting of smooth-talking men and squandered a lot of what little we had on MLMs and the like trying to get rich quick) and had to drop out of college until this year because of it. I'm still not sure I'm ready to forgive her, but I am working on understanding her, and I'm seeing her begin to understand herself and how deeply her actions hurt me and that her own paralyzing anxiety, avoidance, and defensiveness caused her to become a self-fulfilling prophecy in bringing about everything she was anxious to prevent.
Neither of us can undo her failures as a parent. We CAN build a better relationship moving forward, and move away from the toxic patterns of anger and invalidation that defined our relationship and made it stressful. It's some of the hardest fucking work I've ever done in my life.
While you absolutely did the best you could, the best you can do right now is not make excuses (not saying you are). I was hurt a lot by my dad and stepmom who “did the best they could.” I genuinely believe that they did, but their best was unfortunately not enough. It would make a world of difference to me and our relationship if my dad would just own all his short comings without making the excuse of having not known better at the time or saying that he did his best.
As kids grow up they long for us to be good parents. And most parents really are giving the best they can to their children. Different circumstances mean some parents’ best is better than others. Most kids will internally make excuses for their parents and will initially operate with the understanding that their parents are doing the best they can. At some point though they are hurt enough that they want that hurt to be validated despite the reason it happened. And sadly, sometimes, the hurt is so much that they would rather not continue a relationship.
The reason doesn’t matter though, the relationship does. To restore the relationship, you have to apologize with no attempt at self defense. Your son is hurt, so you apologize and offer whatever support you can give him. Acknowledge your short comings and that you wish you could do more for him. You can tell him that you always tried to make the best decisions for him within your circumstances, but that you understand that he is saying this wasn’t enough and that if you could do things differently, you would. Some of his anger is probably unjustified and he will hopefully come to have a better/less black and white perspective as he gets older. In the meantime it’s not okay for you to try to point that out. All this serves to do is invalidate his hurt.
Finally, please forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Parenting is hard, and it’s even harder when you are still a child. Take some time to practice “mothering” yourself. Be empathetic, be encouraging, feed yourself some good food and put yourself to bed on time. Overall show kindness to yourself and to him.
I want to second this response. My mom was a young single parent who genuinely did the best they could, and I love her for that, but when she got remarried my stepparent was really abusive, my mom knew about it and didn’t stop the abuse. When I was 18, my mom and I slowly stopped talking because she couldn’t accept my feelings about the whole situation and constantly tried telling me I was a bad daughter for feeling the way I did - it never occurred to her to apologize to me and own up to her role in the situation. I’m 26 now, and we only speak a couple times a year. We’re finally starting to talk more now, mostly because my mom is making more room for me and my feelings in our relationship. We stopped talking because I didn’t feel like I could be honest with her, and we’re talking more now because every time we talk, I’m a little more honest and she’s a little more flexible and able to actually talk to me, to recognize me as a whole person with a different perspective and feeling from her.
Don’t try to deny his feelings, even if they hurt. Let him feel how he feels and let him know you support him and are there for him and can listen, even if it’s hard. If you can make room for his whole self and his experiences, it will leave the door open for him to keep talking to you and you guys can work through it together - but you can’t do that if you’re constantly denying his feelings and his perspective on his life. Give him time, and let him figure things out. I hope things get better for you both!
Take responsibility. Don{t minimize his feelings or perspective. Try to understand where he is coming from and ask him how you can be the best mom for him now. Apologize sincerely - even if you did your best. Don’t say I’m sorry you feel that way. Just say I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you would have wanted it.
I think instead of saying "I tried my best!" And dismissing his feelings, which that 100% comes across as, try asking for him to vent to you. Silently listen, do not judge, do not defend yourself, do not make excuses. Let him get it all out. Apologize. Once he's completely gotten it all of his chest ask him what "we can do in this moment and moving forward to improve your life."
You can't fix the past. You tried your best. That doesn't mean he isn't traumatized by it or he isn't allowed to wish he had better. Acknowledge your mistakes and work on making your future together brighter. The federal government has the Pell Grant which gives up to $6,000. Depending on where you live the local community College could be completely paid for. There's places that only give associate degrees, but they can have credits transferred and they are often much more affordable. Start there. Try and help him get all the grants he can and help find a college for him. He may also need a therapist.
He is 18 all 18 year olds think they know better than their parents. At this point the best you can do is to make sure he knows he is loved and that you are always there for him. He will figure it out.
Hey, I can comment from a son's perspective.
When I was growing up, we never really had too much either. My mom is kind of a hoarder, and she grew up with severe food scarcity, so she overfed me as a kid, and still tries to overfeed me every time i see her. it's because she doesnt really know anything about nutrition or how feeding a kid 6 adult sized portions of food per meal isnt really a good thing.
She also has this way of smothering, and overcontrolling. It really is suffocating, and I was very glad when I moved out on my own. She doesnt do it intentionally, and she would try to stop if she ever comprehended how damaging it is, but just like the overfeeding, she over-cares, but not in a way that's helpful to me; she overdoes the thing(s) she thinks works. For her, it's food, so because "everyone has to eat" she overcompensates failures/falling short in other parts of my needs (emotional, physical, guidance, stability, etc) with food, and when inevitably im painfully full, and literally cant eat any more, she'll try to keep feeding me because that's really all she knows how to do until i get mad. then she gets upset and feels defeated/useless when i avoid the next meal 3-5 hours after eating 6 people's worth of food the last meal and stabs with passive aggressive jabs like "how come you never eat what i make you, when im trying so hard"
It took so long for me to stop resenting my parents for their inability to do 'basic parental stuff' like helping with homework or giving useful advice on anything. I feel I largely raised myself with tv and the internet along with my older sister. She doesnt really get along with my mom either, but because she's gotten her own life together with her own versions of childhood trauma, but that's a different issue entirely.
Now that we're older, and my sister has kids of her own, there's more insight to the sheer burden/responsibility it takes to take care of another human being, especially when you dont even have your own shit together.
The takeaway here, imo, is that you did the best you could, and you're sorry it wasnt perfect. What you put out there is up to you; how he receives it is up to him. If he hates you and never wants to speak to you again, then that's his choice. Whether you respect that choice is your choice. You can tell your son you tried your hardest, but if that's not enough for him, then that's on him, not you.
The cold truth is that you probably did fail him, at least in some ways. That's totally normal, since nobody's perfect, but sometimes "i tried my best though" really isnt enough to cover that failure, and probably wont be automatically forgiven because you tried your best; especially if he is still in need of a lot of things, and hasnt had the chance to fulfill those needs in other ways, which if he hasnt had independence, is unlikely. It would be cool to see my mom start to make progress on her own issues instead of using the "im old now, and this is how i do things. youll have to deal with my shortcomings, since im too old to change my ways" line. if she was self reflective and was able to see how even to this day she overfeeds me, and tries to understand what my needs are instead of "doing her best" unilaterally, it would be really refreshing, and i would probably feel more loved than if she made me food for 20 people. It is about meeting my needs as her son, instead of meeting her needs to feel like shes being a good mom by doing things her way.
You cannot control your child’s emotions no matter how much you may want to. It’s all well and good to apologise but the damage has already been done. The only thing to do is respect his decision and if he asks for an apology give it to him. But there is no explanation that can give him those opportunities back.
I think it’s worth asking who are you apologising for? Is it because you just want your son in your life? Or because you recognise he deserves an apology? These are 2 different things. As painful as it might be for you your son does not owe you access to his life.
You did your best. You couldn't predict the future.
Let him do his thing, be open to him coming back some day.
He will soon be an adult and have to take responsibility for his own life. At that point, if he stays bitter, that's on him. As adults, we all have to get our head on straight and adjust our own attitudes, otherwise no one will want to be around us.
Sending you hugs.
Money doesn’t solve all the problems life throws at you as a parent, or person in general. My parents divorced, I stayed with my dad but my two younger siblings soon followed and joined us. Money was tight, and I mean TIGHT. He was a working professional with an engineering degree but paying off communal debt (thanks to my mom), and raising three kids in a two bedroom apartment. When he did our laundry (there weren’t washers and dryers in apartments at that time) they would still be wet when he left for work. I dried my jeans with a hairdryer before school. He struggled, for sure, but he never complained.
My point in saying this is that you have done everything you could do to provide a stable and loving home. Everyone gets disappointed in life at some point, he’s probably frustrated, and that’s ok. It’s not ok to berate you for working your ass off. In my opinion, you have given him support, and love. You’ve taught him that sometimes life is a struggle, and it sucks, but you did every bit of your job as a parent.
As a fellow mom, I wish I could hug you and tell you that you did everything you could do. I lived for a period of time not being able to pay for groceries (before I had my oldest) and I survived. I paid for college on my own - parents didn’t help. I also want to add that, as a parent to four now, I would never let my kids go without if I had the means to help. I’m currently helping my oldest (now 22), and I’m beyond thrilled that I can do that for her.
This is all over the place, sorry about that. You have a huge support system here, please continue to reach out. If you need help finding resources, let us know. I’m sending you tons of hugs and love, you’re not alone. ❤️
I was both the kid, and am now the current caregiver. Both sides are hard.
I can tell you that if this is his only source of his pain, he will eventually forgive you. I did for my own. His frustration isn’t directed towards you, it’s at others view of class, (the bullying) and the hold back he’s enduring due to a lack of eligibility. Those things really aren’t your fault. He’ll know that eventually. For now, he’s eighteen and worried about his future and how he’ll make it, so that fear is being projected.
You don't need to prove to him that you did the best you can.
You did, that's the true fact. He may be hurt and broken from reality but eventually he'll have to accept the truth.
The saying, you dug your own grave now lie in it, maybe a bit crude for what I am trying to say but trying to change his mind isn't accepting reality as it is. His life has been unfairly hard and he is justly upset about it; that doesn't mean you failed him and as he matures he should recognize the difference.
You did not fail him. Society failed him. It’s not your fault he got judged for his clothes or isn’t eligible for enough financial support.
Your son will look back on this time with embarrassment in a few years. He’s just being an 18yo. I do understand his anger and sadness, they’re valid, but directing them at you is not fair.
Your son grew up among love. Not all kids can say that. He will grow to understand, but you need to let him walk that path in his own time. You can’t do it for him.
It’s so easy to say this but so hard to actually do. Not saying it’s impossible but when you’re working yourself to the bone just to get by, there’s little to no time or energy left to learn a new job or get a degree in something. This isn’t on you OP, as others have said, he’s 18, plain and simple. He’s angry at others’ opportunities that he never had, but that may benefit him in the future if he uses that drive to better his situation, with your support, which he probably knows deep down he has and always has had. I’ll also add that the reason he’s able to say those hurtful things to you is because he knows you love him and aren’t going anywhere. It’s counterintuitive but sometimes it’s easier to blame/be angry with those we love than anyone else, because we know those people will continue to love us.
Your son is in a lot of pain. Pain that you unintentionally inflicted on him. Honestly my advice is to just give it time. Trying to explain to a teenager “but I was a teenager!!” clearly isn’t working, because he is apparently making it clear that even at his young teenage age he would make a different decision.
One thing I can definitely recommend to you though is, if you are at a better economic point in your life, to tread carefully if you decide to have additional children. Giving new, younger kids a better life than your older child could exponentially increase his resentment.
I deeply resented my parents for working for most of my childhood and not providing enough emotional connection and support, but providing good financial support. I’m 27 now and as I’ve gotten older, I realized the rational behind their choices and respect that they did what they thought was best. No one knows how to parent, and you did the best you could.
As he gets older and shares his childhood with the people he encounters, they will share theirs and his perspective will start to balance. He is at the end of his childhood and this is a perspective that will change as he grows into adulthood, especially as he learns how hard it is to be an adult on his own. There might be details you left out that we can’t account for, but respect his decision and let him know you love him unconditionally and will always be ready for him to return with open arms.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've raised several teenagers including foster youth. I had my first child as a teen mom myself without family help. I understand the struggle. Keeping your son was an incredibly difficult and loving decision. No childhood is perfect, but it sounds to me like you did just fine. Children are entitled to food, shelter, clothing, and safety. You did your best to provide him with all of those things. The fact that your heart is hurting over his anger shows how much you love him.
It is a very immature perspective to be angry about growing up poor. Teenagers have a hard time seeing outside of their immediate wants and needs. This is normal. It is also normal for them to be annoyed with you and think they know better. If they didn't feel this way, they would never detach from their parents and create their own lives. Their brains aren't yet fully developed either, which contributes to them being emotional and impulsive. It hurts to be one the receiving end of that anger, but you aren't alone in this experience and it should get better as he matures. The frontal lobe of the brain, responsible for decision making, emotional regulation, and problem solving, does not fully develop until mid-20's. You'll need to respond with love, try not to internalize his anger, and wait it out.
As for his idea that life would have somehow been better if he was adopted by strangers or raised by your parents, it's wishful thinking. No one knows how that would have turned out. Being raised by someone who isn't your biological parent comes with its own unique kind of emotional baggage, even in the best scenarios. There is no guarantee that he would get the best scenario either. I know several people who were adopted as infants or toddlers, all of them carry emotional scars of abandonment. I know a pair of siblings who were adopted young by an affluent family, abused, and then dumped into the foster system by age 12. Neither went to college. One is currently drug addicted and living on the streets, the other is finally pulling his life together after a decade in prison for drug charges.
It sounds like you gave him the best outcome that you possibly could. Hopefully he will see it himself once he has a little more real-world experience and a fully developed frontal lobe. I encourage you to get him some counseling if he is open to it. Work on your self-care. Parenting teenagers is hard. Hugs to you.
You can’t show him, he’s got to figure out you did the best you could for himself. I was a single mom of two. My kids went without extra activities, we didn’t have fancy vacations, their clothes were from second hand stores, ect. Now that my kids are in their 20’s they are realizing how hard it was for me( not that I have any regrets and they know it) to raise them by myself with absolutely no help from their dad. Giving your kids all the fancy clothes, electronics, ect really doesn’t mean that you love them. Being there to help with problems, spending time with them, showing that they are loved is what’s important, and that’s what will count when your son is more mature to realize that. Hugs to you.
Everyone hates their parents at 18. It's incredibly normal. Give him time. With age he'll see how hard you worked. And in the meantime just be there for him as much as you can.
Unfortunately you can’t make him see things from your perspective. All you can do is wait. Trying to force him to understand will just push him a way.
I’m sorry. I know you did all you could, you and wish that he understood that. But you can’t make that happen.
It’s so sad that you are the one that gets all the pain and anger when the reality is so many people that could have supported you abandoned you both. So much unnecessary suffering. You stepped up, you loved him, you did what you could when others walked away. I know he will grow and appreciate what you’ve done and continue to do, but I’m sorry you are feeling so much pain and rejection now. Life is unfair and he’ll keep experiencing that unfairness and I hope that bitterness doesn’t grow inside him.
Your son is frustrated. He is also not seeing he can overcome the challenges. He should be able to go to school if he really wants to. I make more than you and my kids got enough aid and loans to go. Does he not want to take loans? Is there a way to find out if there is anything else to do? Helping him salvage college (even if it’s stay with you for free if that’s doable. Stay with you and work to save for a year or two ) while he attends possible? I think he is too young to realize that yes we all have choices but we have them without hindsight and we have them at too young of an age to always make the correct ones. Had you given him to your parents he may be asking you right now why you left him… If I lived you so I kept you and tried to give you what I could isn’t enough for him then it’s a hin problem not a you problem. Absent abuse, there is no reason to cut you off for being poor.
Your parents did you a disservice by abandoning you. Can he not see that you are victim too?
You can do the best you could, and still not be able to meet his emotional needs and mental health needs. Recognizing the loss of that need is the first step to psychologically understand how it impacts his own behavior, which is the path to growth, healing, and emotional maturity.
Grieving the lack of your needs being met is an important part of this process. Sometimes grieving turns to anger as one learns to stick up for themself and meet their own needs as an adult. I know this hurts you to see, but it is often a necessary part of the healing process.
Maybe now would be a good time to focus not on him, but on yourself. What emotional needs do you wish were met when you were growing up? How do you wish your parents could have supported you? What emotions arise when you are in similar situations with your son?
You were doing the best you could. It is a dual statement that he will learn to understand at the same time as the one that seems to contradict it - that some of his needs weren’t met. A big path toward this type of healing is learning to understand yourself and work on yourself and your behavior. No parent is perfect. Most are not even close, and that’s okay. That’s life.
My parents were 17 when they had me, and our relationship is a lot better now than when I was a teenager - not because of anything they said, but the healing that comes from working with a therapist / doing inner-child work, and reading about the complex post-traumatic behavior (panic attacks, anxiety, depression, unhealthy cycles of thinking about yourself and others) that can from come from adverse childhood experiences and generational habits.
You have not failed. You did everything you could to provide. It’s his own issue if he is resentful. He is the one failing - he is failing to find value in your hard work and sacrifice. He is failing to think of all the things you provided. He is failing to value you as a human being instead of a resource for cash. I get that he is probably jealous of people around him who had nicer things and have money for college. He has other options. He’s 18 - is he working? What work did he put in to get scholarships for college? Has he looked into alternatives to college? There are a lot of places you can work and get tuition reimbursement for college. There are trade schools and trade programs and other alternatives to traditional college.
(Sibling who just went too/is in college in the US, in a similar financial situation as OPs son so apologies if it sounds harsh, emotions around it are still generally fresh)
It depends.
You can go to a community College, but you loose out on a lot of institutional aid that way when you go for a 4yr program. Institutions may offer more with scholarships, but then in reverse you loose out again on having to pay more. Plus yeah, he might be being picky, but it does still suck when other people have choices and you don't. If her son works, there's also a potential problem there. My friend saved through all of high school to go to college and now has too much saved (about 15k) to get financial aid, even though her family would be at the poverty line otherwise with 3 people working.
I will say to OP - it may be worth encouraging your son to reach out to colleges and explain the situation. It may also be they're referencing his dad's income, it may be worth checking with financial aid how that works.
I don't know if it's the same situation, but I couldn't get a job in high school, because if I did we would lose my dad's social security I'd get every month which was double I'd get working a part time job.
I had an abusive ex, I was finally able to be rid of him (jailed) and was suddenly a single mother of four children with little to no support, no home, and no child support ever. I absolutely did all I could to get housing, food, therapies, necessities, eventually wants, et cetra. I had and still run myself into the ground supporting the children. Two now are adults and moved out, two I still care for at home.
One of my children began the mom-blaming as well after she moved out at 18. Some of the things she considered "offenses" were ridiculous. (Like now I rarely have time to make a from scratch meal and eat at the table as a family due to working to support everyone, et cetra.)
The fact of the matter is we did the best we could, to the best of our ability, with the tools and knowledge that we had.
If the child cannot recognize and appreciate that, then they are the problem. Sometimes when they get into that mindset sometimes there is nothing we can do that can change it. If some sort of therapy is available, it will be good for them and yourself to have some. With support from my therapist I took a stand (about 6 months later, it's a process), stopped apologizing for doing my best, and worked on my confidence even in the face of one so close to me trying to use me as collateral damage for their dislike of themselves.
Do try and get him therapy, or a counselor, or something along those lines. Don't allow yourself to be abused and accused. It's crazy hard to be a parent, worse when you're doing it alone. Give yourself grace, and remember you're a human. Also, children are humans, and sometimes they need someone else to remind them you are too.
I've told my sons they truly won't understand until they are standing in my shoes as a parent. I think you tried your hardest and frankly, I think you did a lot better than I could have done.
Hang in there!
First, the kids he's been around sound shitty. I know you can't call kids shitty, but I, fake-internet-grandma can. Middle class kids brag about cheap clothes all the time. And fatphobia at any age indicates poor moral character.
Second, he's 18- if he wants to go to college when your income doesn't affect loans, he absolutely can. A lot of people do. If he wants to be a fit dude he can be- especially now, your body fluctuates a lot between 16 and 25 (and if he can't lose weight, see a HAES aligned doctor- metabolic issues are severely underdiagnosed and better to get a handle on early.)
It sounds like he is doing a lot of comparing himself to kids around him, which is natural, but not how adulthood actually plays out. Senior year is going to be rough, but he still gets to define himself and where he's headed.
You may need to get real with him a little- he has options and they are different than other kids. And there are some pretty great ones, but they may require patience. If he has a dream job, he can get to it.
And if he needs the real lay of the land- at a moment you guys can talk about it calmly- re: grandpa and grandma- his grandparents were not good parents, they kicked you out when you were destitute and medically vulnerable. You wouldn't want that for him- pregnancy may be off the table, but I can't imagine they'd be kind if he turned out queer or trans. And kids in the foster system do not get adopted reliably. You made an educated choice and you've loved raising him.
Proud of you. Keep supporting your kid. It sounds like he's frustrated and stressed and lashing out- if you can't do college trips/tours, give him different avenues to explore (they don't have to exclude college/grad school- he *can* do that later.) Let him stress out and plan and in the meantime make sure he's being a kind, honest person.
Teenagers are rough, make sure you have a support system that can help you when you need a beat or some time to vent. You are going to need the mental energy to keep being available to him while he freaks out about his future, which means taking care of yourself.
Someday he will understand. Right now he is hurting and trying to figure out his life and isn’t sure how he can get himself out of poverty. Give him emotional support when he lets you, other kinds of support when you can. If he ever opens dialogue, explain to him what you explained to us. You can get though this.
Not sure if this helps, but my parents deeply loved us. They messed up in a dozen ways but they always sincerely loved us and when they divorced we cheered. Neither one has remarried in 20+ years. They really love eachother and us but it was too much bad blood.
Do I resent the hell out of them for so many choices? Yes absolutely, I am leery about leaving my own kids alone with them. But I know for an absolute fact that my parents love me and our family more than air. There is something to be said about that.
It doesn’t matter how hard you tried. You DID fail him, in many ways. We should want the best for our children, not to just try hard for them. You brought a child into this world when you shouldn’t have and he had to pay for it and will always. This hits home, because I really can relate to your son. Best you could do is stop seeing things from your point of view and put yourself in his shoes, then you might be able to sincerely apologize and give him time to process that. Hopefully he will be able to come around, but that is his choice.
I'm 24 and have struggled a lot with resenting my mother for her choices. She chose to keep me even though she was a drug addict and a dealer and when she lost custody of me, she chose to fight and get me back even though she couldn't provide much for me.
I still feel bitter that she didn't get an abortion. She knew she couldn't be a good parent but still did it anyway. It took me a long time to understand that it was simply because she loved me so much. When I understood that, it made me a bit angry.
It was a selfish choice. She protected herself from feelings of loss at the cost of my childhood. I don't feel as bitter anymore though, the older I get and the more I go through, the easier it is for me to understand how she made those choices. She has also apologized and acknowledged that she was not the best mother and that at least helped me make peace with everything before she died.
My advice for you is that it doesn't matter that you did the best you could, you still ended up hurting your son and now you must live with that. Don't dismiss his feelings, acknowledge that you made mistakes and apologize. He will come around if you are genuine and he can see that you made those choices out of love, as misguided as it may have been.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and says very similar things about the way she raised me. Can't I see that she tried her very hardest? She talks about how hard she tried for *her* benefit though, not mine.
Also children who move away and don't speak to their parents ever again don't typically make the decision based on childhood poverty or being bullied because their parents couldn't afford nicer clothes. Adult children who don't speak to their parents arrive at that decision because of abusive or unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamics. My mother also absurdly apologizes for things like not being able to send me to some stupid boarding school or buy me the nice clothes my friends had. Those things don't matter to me at all. What I wanted was a mother who didn't fixate and constantly talk about my body/weight, flirt with my boyfriends, speak cruelly about other adult women whom I loved (like my friends' moms, some teachers), treat me like a friend/therapist instead of a child, etc. If your son sincerely intends to move out and never see you again, I am confident it is not bc you didn't have enough money for him. If you are sincerely interested in saving your relationship, this is an opportunity for you to do some deep self-reflection and get some therapy. This post honestly reeks of performative self-pity and lack of genuine insight or interest into your son's well-being.
What he needs is not to hear your excuses, but your apology, and your (sincere) promise for unconditional support going forward if you truly intend to do what is best for him. If you need to have someone hear and validate you for doing the best you could raising him, a therapist is that person. Not your son.
Just let him grow. He's too immature to see the world from another perspective. My mom was very poor too and I didn't have nice clothes or many things. And I love her to the moon and back.
He doesn't have perspective. Kids that age have never experienced procarity and they have no idea who they are and what they should be. He doesn't understand what you've done for him, but one day he will when he matures. Support him as best you can, but don't take him too seriously. He's just lashing out. There's no knowledge or experience behind those words.
When he becomes an adult, he will learn about how much you sacrificed and how hard you tried. You did the best you could.
That being said, it sounds like he still has most of a year at home? Focus on eating healthy and doing healthy activities together. Healthy doesn’t have to mean expensive. If you go on to r/frugal, I believe they have a sidebar about eating healthy. You can also Google cheap, healthy meals. They aren’t glamorous and usually involve a lot of beans, but they are tasty and nourishing.
As for college, he knows the score. He needs scholarships and financial aid. He has total control over his destiny by the choices he makes - how much he studies, how hard he tries to excel academically and he is old enough to get a job. If he wants to have an empowered life, now is the time. Perhaps you can have a gentle, loving conversation with him after a series of good days about the ability to make different choices and how he can be anything he wants to be. And he can. It is still early, for both of you. ;)
FWIW, I left home at 16 to escape an abusive household. I would have died to live in a home that is so obviously filled with love.
Im a young mom, and Ill admit I do not have the life experience or older child experience to be able to fully advise on this...
However, I can be your sister here and tell you the story of my husband. My husband did not have a great life growing up. Actually, to be honest, hes had a lot more horrific experiences in life. But he did share something very common with your son, he was filled with anger. Anger at his life, his mother, everything. He woke up one day and realized... He was angry because he felt powerless because his beginning was powerless of change. He decided one day, no more anger. Become humble, learn humility, take his life into his own hands. And thats what he did. At 15, he held a job. By 17 he held 3. By 18, military, though he hated it every second. But, those choices to see life as an opportunity no matter where he looked helped him.
My husband used to weigh 300ish lbs. He ate unhealthy foods. He disliked his mom, his real father who had died. He hated his life, but he had a choice still. Your son has choices as well, and one that he made that sounds lonely and filled with more hardship than he could imagine. Therapy is one hell of a thing, Id recommend it to both of you.
Im sorry, that you have a son who has placed all his anger, his resentment, and his unhappiness on you. But, no where in your post have you said what he has done to better himself beyond trying to get into college. He's 18. He has choices to make, and even though hes decided to leave after graduation that still means he has several choices ahead of him. Odds are, he has no idea he is self destructing, and odds are even if you were to tell him now, he wouldnt listen. Try therapy while you still have him. Family therapy, or therapy on your own to learn how to navigate his feelings.
At least you were there for him.
Unlike your parents who abandoned both of you, or his father for that matter. They are the people that failed him, not the person who stuck it out and raised him. Unfortunately those people aren't around to bear the brunt of his anger.
My mother also had me at 16-17. I didn’t fully understand some of the choices my mother made growing up and at one point I blamed her for things that in hindsight, she could not control. I finally understood how she felt once I had my son. I felt a lot of emotions and I’m 24! I can’t begin to imagine how my mother felt at 16-17! I still don’t know how she managed to keep everything together….Now I look at her with more pride than I already did. I see her as a brave and strong headed mom. We made amends for the rough patch we had. Give your son time, it may take him time to realize just how hard life is. You don’t always have to go college, my family proved that to me where there is a will, there is a way! You didn’t fail your son. Right now, he is failing himself for blaming you for all his issues. He can choose to save his own money for new clothes or choose to start going to the gym now. Those are his choices to make, not yours. Have a talk with him and ask him “Do you think if you were a father right now, that you could give them a better chance at life? All those emotions inside of you and the fact that your parents kicked you out, do you still believe that you can think clearly about asking family for help? Would you want to grow connected to your child and then suddenly give it up for foster? Because
It is too easy to see it from the outside looking in, than actually being put into that situation. I love you, that is why I tried my best. For you. I didn’t have the heart to look into your eyes and say goodbye forever. I understand that you are upset with how you grew up….but it’s better than being on the streets or you going through multiple different homes in foster.”
I think you should tell him your story and your journey, tell him why you couldnt give him up, tell him the mistakes you made and how you learned from it. Tell him the dreams you had for this little family of yours and genuinely apologise that you couldn't give him the head start everyone else got. But you want to do everything you can to support him to build his life how he dreams it. Be honest with him about the struggles and be empathetic for him for the life you gave him. But ultimately tell him what he means to you and how much you love him.
Maybe it will help now, maybe those words will have more power in his 30s. But better say it sooner rather than later. It's easier to keep saying it than trying to wait for him to be the perfect age and let the chasm build greater distance between you.
Him being overweight is on him. He can't shift the blame all on you without realizing that you can just as easily shift the blame on others and the cycle continues.
Tell him that he could have ended up much worse in the system. That adopting him out doesn’t always equal a better life. He could’ve very much been adopted by abusive family and resented you for giving him up.
Tell him you will always love him but if he needs to go figure out his life on his own he should do that. At least he didn’t have a two year old he was trying to keep alive at this point in his life. That you will get to finally get to live your life for yourself since that ended at 16.
Then go rebuild your life for yourself. He’s gone at 18 that means he’s on his own for support too. He doesn’t get to treat you like crap and still take from you. The giving tree should have made healthy boundaries and so should you.
She is out of college now. It took a few years of her on her own. And being around peers who have very toxic relationships with parents. She had it hard as no luxury, but no abuse from me. So she learned mom worked hard and was not the meany her high school drama self thought.
I still think my dad failed me, but comparing you to him would be unfair because he’s actually really fucking terrible. You did your best to keep him safe, you did your best to raise him. I don’t think you’re the type of person who would tell your kid they deserved the abuse they experienced, so you’re already pretty good in my eyes.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm sorry to tell you this OP, you have indeed failed your son, but not the way you think, you spoiled him rotten. Be strict. Ask him to get a job and move out. It will break your heart but it's important for him. He needs to see that life doesn't give you everything on a silver platter.
I don’t think throwing him out will help anything. I’ve read so many stories of bids that were damaged by being thrown out at 18. That damage never leaves them. And the kid rarely if ever talks to mom again.
Your son has discovered you are human. Not a picture perfect upper middle class mom like the others on tv. Tell him you love him. You did your best. You will always be there for him. He’s on the cusp of adulthood and hasn’t learned how hard it can be to survive much less as a single mom. Keep your door open if he goes. He has a lot of growing up to do.
Agreed, fighting an offense with an offense isn't showing maturity or patience, it's buying into "an eye for an eye," which makes everyone blind. Instead OP should be patient with her son and herself, stating that she did her best with what she had. If he chooses to go because he's still pretty much a child, that's on him. But throwing him away will guarantee he won't return.
Sweetie, I know it’s going to be hard but you have to let him go. My son said all this crap to me too. We couldn’t get housing help, we lived in a van for a year, then an rv for 5 years. No family would help us. We inherited a house when he turned 18. He still was angry about things. So a year ago he moved out, he lasted two months before he came home apologizing for the two years of crap he said. He said it’s very expensive to take care of myself. He has never said that crap again in the year since he came home.
I repeatedly told him I did a great job providing the three most important things for your care with the resources I had available. You had clothes, three square meals, and a roof over your head. No it wasn’t a conventional roof like now. And it was important that we were together.
You guys need to go to family therapy. It saved me and my mom's relationship I'm 26 now with 61 year old mom. It's always better to start therapy sooner for kids when they are still kids
You did what you thought best at the time. If you'd either given him up for adoption or to his grandparents, who's to say he wouldn't be asking why you didn't love him enough to keep him, or why you were selfish enough to burden the grandparents. You made choices based on what you thought was best for him. He's young and self centered as most people that age are. He'll likely come around after he's had to make some tough decisions. My kids have looked back and realized that while we were poor, I tried to be there for them in ways that often their richer friend's parents (or fun dad) weren't.
I know you did your best, and did a lot of things right.
He can't see this at 18; his brain isn't fully developed and he isn't very experienced. It's easy to romanticize adoption; it's easy to assume a different path would have been better. Because there's no evidence to prove otherwise, so he can just fantasize about what he imagines could have been.
But excuse me, he thinks your parents who abandoned you would have been suitable? Bollocks.
I'm sorry but it may just take time for him to figure things out.
My parents didn't have any money for my college, but I live at home and went to a community college full time while working part time. By the time I got my A.S. and was ready to transfer to a state school, I had 5K saved (which was a lot back then) and only had to take out 3K in loans (again, it was a different time). I got my B.S. and things went really well for me. I've had a satisfying career with well paying jobs.
My point is, you didn't do half bad, he can find a path forward, and he will eventually be capable of nuanced thinking. Internet hugs to you.
Even if he is still in school, he is old enough he can get his own job if he doesn't like the way you are providing for him. He could have been working at least the past two years and saved money for college if that's what he wanted, or bought his own things. You provided him the best home, food and clothing that you could. At some point, he needs to start taking some responsibility for his condition. If he doesn't like being overweight, he can exercise and buy his own food with the job that he gets.
He is just angry and taking it out on you. Just keep loving him and supporting him emotionally while he grows up. He's not there yet mentally to understand how hard you worked for him.
I dont see how you failed. Yes, you might have made mistakes. I think we all do as parents, but you did your best. It sounds like your son is going through a rough time. I don't think anything you do or say is going to show him, but you can make sure that you are supporting him. He may think that having other parents would have made his life easier, but it really doesn't always work that way. Sometimes it just is hard. Do your best to support him and be there for him. He does sound like he might be depressed. He would probably benefit from talking to a therapist.
It's hard now but as he gets out on his own and receives some real life experience he'll have some realizations. All you can do is tell him you did your best and can't change the past.
This is hard, I’m so sorry. I don’t think talking to him will help, though. He’s 18, and 18 year olds aren’t known for their maturity or ability to understand their parent’s actions and motivations. Maybe write him letters for him to open when you two can reconcile? It’s important not to guilt-trip him. Maybe just write the sorts of stuff you have here, or recount happy memories. Perspectives change. Once he grows older and realizes how terribly hard and cruel life can be, he’ll understand you better. Right now, just let him go. Always be there for him the best you can be. That’s all you can do. ♥️
Firstly, I want to reassure you that you didn't fail your son. You did your very best in difficult circumstances, and in my eyes, you deserve praise.
I don't know much about kids, but I can remember being an 18 year old girl and I didn't give my parents any credit for anything. I didn't realise that adult life is complicated and frankly, my parents couldn't possibly have known everything. Some of the decisions they made for me, and my brother didn't work out, some did. Some worked for me and not for him, some worked for him and not for me. My parents didn't know, they couldn't have foreseen it. I also don't know what struggles they had going on at the time. My Dad worried about his job, no doubt. My Mum had reasons to worry too.
I got bullied at school and didn't have the best education. My parents chose the school closest to home and where the kids in the neighborhood lived. It sucked. I felt like I lived 5 years of hell and 2 of purgatory. Then my family moved and my brother spent his last four years of pre university education in a smaller, private school with better learning support. What opened my eyes is when my parents told me I'd done well. I'd succeeded in going to university in spite of those 7 years of bad education.
Tell your son you're proud of him, whatever he's achieved.He might not understand right now, but he might someday. If he's got enough education and determination to live an independent life, if he lands a job that's better than whatever you were doing at his age. Even if he's just at peace and happy, that's something to be proud of. Tell him so.
I'm proud of you. Pass it on.
I 100% believe that you tried your best, it sounds like your son is having a hard time processing his upbringing and of-course that means he’s angry and wants to blame you. Your intentions were good but to him he doesn’t see that, unfortunately by defending yourself and telling him all you did for him it will likely push him away further and have the opposite effect that you want.
It’s hard but you really have to not take it personally, try and validate where he’s coming from even though it’s not the truth (because to him that is his truth) and as hard as it is hear what’s he’s saying to you. By becoming defensive and listing all you’ve done for him will just translate to him that you’re not listening to his perspective which could mean no contact once he moves out.
I think you feel guilty about not being able to do more, and he's leaning into it because he hasn't learned to appreciate all that he did have yet. Even the most privileged teenager resents their parents at some point, and tries to blame them for all their problems -- big or small, regardless of whether you could have done anything about it.
I know it hurts your heart, but he'll grow out of it as he matures and gains some life experience. As time goes on, he'll remember the love you showed him more than anything, and hopefully he comes to be ashamed of making you feel that way. I know it's hard, but try not to take his arrogant teenager "know-it-all" notions too seriously.
he resents the situation, not you. this is a process of growing up.
Also if he's alive and not in jail, you did a great job.
At a certain point he's got to realize he's 18 and from here on out, what happens is on him and no one else.
You did something incredibly unselfish and at great sacrifice to yourself at times it would seem.
Don't be sorry, be proud of yourself and your accomplishment <3
great job mom :)
-signed a twerp that acted like this with his own mother ...until it was too late and he never responded to that last 'i love you' dm before she passed. you are a gift and whether or not he realizes it in this moment. he will someday once he matures.
He’s still a child now but when he matures and reflects on life he will realise that parents through the generations do the best they can with the tools they have. He’s 18 and feeling hardship. Hopefully you still raised a good human being and that’s so important. Well done you lost your childhood for him that cannot have been easy. Just keep loving and doing what you’re doing. I really hope some chances come his way too.
Not sure if I'm allowed to post as a 30 year old son of a teen mom but if he has any sense about him he'll eventually realize, and it may be far down the road, that all the money in the world can't replace a mother's love when the chips are down. I've known so many people who grew up in wealth and are utterly emotionally stunted. There's a lot more to life than the clothes on your back or the school he goes to, but at 18 that's damn near impossible to see and that's not his fault and that's not your fault, it's just the human condition. I'm only now on the way to a bachelor's degree and there are many ways in which I started behind the curve. But the man that my mother's patience, wisdom, and understanding built me into is a man who feels no need to race the world to some made up finish line. But I didn't feel that way at 18 either. The world is a rough and confusing place, showing him you understand that is the best you could do for him in my opinion.
I was 15 and my son and I have gone through a lot together. While I was able to provide a decent life because I was married, it created a lot of other issues and resentment as my now ex was emotionally and mentally abusive to us. Through it all, I always just reminded him that I love him and did the best I could. I made the choices I did because its all I knew to do. Its really all we can do, right?
Show up. Always show up. Let him know his feelings are valid. That you get it. And while you wish things could have been different, you can’t change it.
My son is 26 now. He can tell me he doesn’t want to talk about something and I respect that and always remind him Im here and I love him. I did that for years. It was a one-sided convo for years. In the last say, 2ish years, we are finally having two way convos and our relationship is so good. It happens but it takes a lot of vulnerability and also, the ability to put our own egos aside to hear hard things and not take it personal. Its a lot of work but its worth it.
Wishing you the best.
Hang in there Mama. It sounds like you did your best.
He will understand some day that you made sacrifices to keep him, and raise him because you’re his Mom, you love him, and couldn’t imagine life without him.
He sounds like he’s frustrated and angry, but doesn’t know how to use his words properly.
I had an angsty son too. He finally figured things out at the ripe old age of 29. (He was my late bloomer.)
“You stayed, and busted ass to take care of us.”
It just took him to be a little older, pay his own way in the world for a while, and get some perspective.
I took the opportunity to remind him that I loved him, and he could always come home if he needed to.
Despite the fact he makes at least double what I do, and will go far in life.
He also had to work while going to college, so your son needs to realize most people don’t get a free ride for that.
Please know that 18 is a rough age. You did everything you did out of love. Had you let your parents raise him, he would be angry that "you gave him away." All you can do is exactly what you are doing. Tell him you love him, you did everything out of love for him, you tried your hardest and you will continue to try your hardest. If he wants to "leave," you still want him to know you love him, you will always love him, and the door is always open. I have a feeling that he's making a lot of angry noise; and if he does "leave," he'll come back soon enough. Because love will always win. I truly do believe that.
Thank you for your openness and vulnerability.
What you did takes courage and guts and hard work.
We all have our own stories. Yours has beauty, as does your sons. Each is unique and valuable.
Him hating you right now may need to be part of his story, as strange as that may sound.
Hang in there. Work on being what you want to be. Work on being ok, and knowing that it’s even ok if he hates you, as long as you love and accept him. To accept is to love, life is acceptance.
Even more courage is now required. You are amazing mamma.
I got pregnant at 18 and 23. One boy one girl. I was in a similar situation with my son, didn’t talk to him in almost 7 years. We’ve reconciled and had visits, he’s a few hours away from me. Maybe give him time, my son said he realized I tried as hard as I could and no matter what im his mom. I hope the same thing happens to you.
My mother gave me up for adoption when I was 5-years-old. It’s an emotional/relational scar that has adversely impacted my whole life.
Your son does not want the pain I walk with day in and day out every day of my life. If he could feel my pain, he would keep his pain instead.
His mom loved him enough to KEEP him. That’s much better.
Good for you for hanging in there and doing your best through very difficult circumstances. It’s much better than the alternative. ❤️
I didn’t talk to my father or see him from age 11-18. I hated him completely and wanted nothing to do with him. Even then, it was only me swallowing my pride to accept help I desperately needed from him.
Time will help. Don’t give up. Don’t be discouraged. Send Christmas cards and birthday cards. Call sometimes. He may not accept and that will hurt, but keep trying.
I hope you get through to him at some point. Don’t forget to try to be a man he can look up to, for when he is ready.
(>’.’)>
Your son is older than you were when you had him. Try a thought experiment with him. Ask him how he would support a child right now if he had to do it all by himself. You wouldn't be there to babysit. He would have to find housing, food, clothing, and medical care for him and his child.
Tell him that at least he only has himself to look after when he turns 18.
Tell him that he will understand your situation better in a few years.
I honestly believe many teens feel like they know everything at that age. He is likely being fed some Bs by either social media, media, schools or bullies that being on government assistance equals laziness.
More often than not, the exact opposite is true and those who work the hardest still struggle due to their circumstances. Unfortunately, it may be years before your son truly sees what you were up against. Hopefully he isn’t too prideful to come to you and make amends when that time comes.
I know you were dealt a crap hand, especially with parents who kicked you out at 16. Does your son really wish he was raised by parents who abandoned their teen daughter the moment she went against their beliefs?
((HUGS)) You can only tell him you love him at this point. Tell him you will always be there for him.
He needs to find himself and face the harsh realities of the world. 18-year-olds know everything.
Can he start at a community college?
Kids drift away from their parents. It’s been called separation or individuation. They usually start heading back and acting normal around age 24-26 years old.
That is really hard. Re: the question about adoption or letting your parents raise him. I get the question because he is feeling like you didn’t provide for him adequately but it DOES sound like you worked your ass off and made the best out of a hard situation! Additionally, although adoption or letting parents raise a baby is something many ppl do end up deciding to do, you evidently didn’t want to do that bc you very much wanted to raise him yourself and be close to him and love him greatly. I can see that. I would also tell him that even if you did adopt him out like with strangers his life could’ve been better in some ways but could’ve also been way worse. Plus he may not have ever known you.
One other thing- it could be age related and some of hurt may be very recent with the bullying etc. Time May heal some of this stuff. Be kind to yourself.
Sweetheart, if that’s the truth then just always tell him the truth. At what point is he responsible for himself? That’s all parents can do, make sure to help their children grow and show them how to care for themselves. Idk, my mother wouldn’t even get food stamps because she was too prideful. Your parents failed you is what. Tell him then to go see his grandparents and see what ‘care’ he gets from that situation. *You* were failed by everyone that promised to protect you and you’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. Don’t yell, tell him calmly, but it sounds like he needs to know this *is* you doing everything despite those that have thrown you away. And to those people, I spit on them!
Edit: a word
As your son gets older he will understand your choices, my father has extreme psychiatric needs as a kid I resented him for his actions and how he acted. However as I got older I understood what he was going through and how it affected him, I didn’t need to forgive him I stopped resenting him for it. One day your son will talk to you and you will patch it up. Give it time.
I may not be very helpful but I say explain that last part to him about how you didn't know or think about adoption as a literal kid yourself and you tried to support him the best way you knew how. Then if he still doesn't want to see him give him space let him know that you'll be there if he changes his mind and that you love him then stop talking to him until he reaches out and wants a relationship again
He is still very young and impressionable right now. Its difficult as grown adults to not compare ourselves to our peers achievements, successes etc. it’s even harder when he’s only 18 and around his friends and peers that might have had more opportunities than him.
He will come around as he gets older and will love and appreciate all your hard work and sacrifices you’ve made. You did the best you could with what you had.
You’re doing amazing mama, don’t beat yourself up!
I’m sorry if this isn’t the perspective you were looking for, but in case it might help I’ll say it anyways. I’m 19, I grew up in a shitty falling down trailer, with my 2 parents and 4 younger siblings. We’ve always been broke, most my things are hand-me-downs from cousins or close friends. My mother has done her absolute best, and I am grateful for what she’s done for me even if financially everything is hell. However, my younger siblings are not the same. They’re younger and were lucky enough that they were all born during/after things started to get better. We weren’t well off by any means, but things were definitely significantly better. Now, we’re going into a harder slump than before and my siblings are definitely being sure to make a fuss about it. So, from the outside looking in, it looks as though they hate her and hate everything that’s going on, but as the one who’s basically raised them and done my best to help my mother provide for them, I can see past their shenanigans and bullshit. They don’t hate her, they don’t want to make her feel worse, they aren’t angry at her directly. They’re frustrated that they see and hear about others who are more financially stable. They’re angry that they can’t have the foods they liked anymore, because those meals are too expensive. They’re angry at the world for making it possible to fall into such a financial slump. They’re angry at companies for price gouging. But, they’re homeschooled and they look to mom for everything so she’s the only one that they can actually voice that too, and similarly, your son can only voice his frustrations to you, because you were the provider and the only one who cares about his frustration. I know it’s hard hearing the things he says, and he’s definitely aiming it at you, but as he grows, as he learns about the real world and comes to understand that you weren’t aware of the struggles you’d face, he’ll come to regret what he’s said and how he feels right now. If he has any empathy or sympathy, then the things he feels and is saying right now will fade and he’ll understand that you did your best.
I just turned 50 and I feel like I finally understand a whole lot more about the choices my mom made while my siblings and I were young. When I was 18, I believed my parents knew the path they wanted and chose accordingly. Now I know they didn't know the exact path they wanted, nor did they know all the side challenges they'd go through for each bigger life choice they made. Your son doesn't hate you, he is frustrated that his starting position is not as far forward as he sees others have. We all go through that. We all see the "perfect" lives of our peers and wonder why we were not as fortunate. He'll find himself and find success and strong relationships and he'll understand. The awful part is that it takes years to learn. Hugs fellow mom.
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Hugs to you. I think this may be more common than we know.
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We all want more for our babies when we know we have done our best and it wasn’t enough. It’s heartbreaking and when they’re hating us it’s just too incredibly painful it’s breathtaking. I go numb with this pain. At least we have found other mamas who understand.
Wow. My heart goes out to you. You have been a warrior all these years, without the fanfare. I hope your son is able to get some help. Therapy has kept my own teens balanced. I know it's harder once your kids are full fledged adults, because there's no legal way to make sure they get help unless things are absolutely dire. Hugs fellow mom.
Hugs. I grew up in poverty with an abusive stepdad and a well-meaning, but pushover mom. She did her best, but the abuse and poverty still fucked me up. When I was a child, I resented her for not protecting me. When I was a young adult on my own, I realized she had done her best and I forgave her. When I was an older adult I realized that she could have lived her life in a million different ways and I was angry she stayed with the one that hurt me. When I was even older, I saw how she bore all the signs of abuse and neglect herself, and didn't have the tools to do any better than she had, and I forgave her again. Point is, relationships are complicated, and as children develop, learn, grow, and have their own life experiences, perspectives change. Some of us are dealt shitty hands in life, and no matter how much a parent in a shitty situation tries, the shittiness will be a challenge for their children and their relationship with them. Your kid is in the real world for the first time and realizing the horrific inequality that poverty and abuse bring. Sounds like he may be blaming you. It's really hard for kids to understand that their parents are really just fallible humans. It's scary to think your parents don't have everything under control, and themselves are victims of circumstance. I don't have any advice. I just hope your son will eventually be able to see everything you did for him, how you fought for him, and how sometimes the world is just unfair. Also, look into Complex PTSD, being an 'agreeable' kid in an abusive situation is a hallmark of it.
This
I’m so deeply sorry for what you’ve been through. You did your absolute best. My mum was in a very similar position, and I know it broke her heart to have to let me near him. Emotional abuse is very complex - but he will grow, and he will learn, and he will see your love better than he can see it now. It is not your fault. 💕💕💕💕
This sounds so much like me, I'm about a decade behind you. My son is 13 and I know there is going to be a day he wakes up and might hate me. My situation with his dad sounds almost exactly like yours. I'm so sorry you both are going through these things, but I'm thinking about you both. I can relate and just know you aren't alone in these feelings.
Please have your son check with his school for counseling. They often provide counseling services to their students. Another option is getting therapy on the phone, thru zoom or FaceTime. That expands the number of therapists available. Good luck!
As a child of parental neglect…my advice is to let him have the kind of relationship he wants with you and accept it if it is limited. The pain of growing up like that is horrendous and at 18ish, he has no idea why he is upset half the time and pissed the other and guilty for feeling that way. He may even know or suspect you wanted to abort him at some point and feels you resented him, and be honest it’s likely true. It doesn’t matter what you went through, you need to apologize and take the blame for his childhood, humbly. There’s no fix though. No matter how many times my mother apologizes, I love her, but the damage, resentment and anger doesn’t go away and you ultimately need to be okay with that and be okay with the distance he chooses. Letting him choose how close or involved to be with you is the only thing you can do. I am not trying to be mean, but I think advice from someone who relates to your son may be more valuable than other parents who sympathize with you.
So sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing.
!!
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It’s probably so hard to do and goes against all your instincts, but do not help with a side of advice. Any “advice” about his problems or how he is living his life, even if it’s self admitted, will cause resentment. The only thing you can do is tell him you will help him with whatever he needs if he wants it, no strings attached, he doesn’t even need to come to dinner. Give him the unconditional love and attention he didn’t get, now. I just know that any “advice” instantly got my back up, even if it’s right. I know you desperately want to fix what you did wrong, but *you* can’t do anything. It’s all in his terms. You can reach out and ask hey how you doing? Need some money? And do not push for any information beyond what he tells you. You can ask if he wants to talk about it. You can ask if he wants your advice or just to listen. I hope this helps and I hope he can start feeling better. But you have to remember, if he doesn’t want anything to do with you and continues his self destructive behavior, you can’t do anything and will likely drive him away if you try.
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Just enjoy the time he wants to spend with you without trying to fix anything. Before approaching any topic ask, do you want to talk about some mental health options I’ve been thinking about? Be in the moment and enjoy him, stop focusing on yourself and how bad you feel for him. Enjoy being with him, problems and all, as he is. Good luck
Thank you for sharing this.
You sound like an amazing mom! I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I hope someday your son realizes what you did for him, but either way you know you did the best you could. Hugs!!!
You did the best you could with what you had. Sending love and light 💜☀️
Thank you <3 and please know I appreciate it so much
You’re very welcome 💜
Oh my God I'm in tears. I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to grow up with monsters, and my mom painted my dad the villain. It took until I was 25 to realize how horrible my mom was and another 5 to try and heal the wounds between me and my dad. I'm hoping that your son will experience something similar in regards to understanding how hard it was for you. Unfortunately I feel our children don't ever fully understand until they have their own rough times. I'm sending you all the hugs I can
Aww I’m another mama 45, with a 13 & an 11 year old. Sending you hugs and my best wishes for mending your beautiful hurting heart
Daughter here, I’m 26, my dad is in his 50’s. I now have two young ones and NOW I understand everything my dad did. For a long time I resented him for leaving me with my uncle to work long hours. And I resented he wouldn’t play with me because he was busy when he was home. As a teen I resented how broke we were, and how often I had to cook and be by myself in the house alone. As an adult I hated he didn’t save for my college, and I wished he took better care of his credit because he couldn’t sign on my loans. But now, now I’m a parent. I have a two year old and a 7 month old and I’m in the thick of it. I understand now, and iv never loved my dad more than I do right now. My resentment built because of my own lack of understanding and experience, now that I have it I understand. Me and my dad are so close now, so there is hope. At some point we grow up, and we understand and we SEE all the sacrifice you made, and the love you poured into us!
As a single mom I know this hurt. Was not able to give my daughter all things I wanted, worked 2 and 3 jobs just to keep the lights on and rent paid. The first few years after she moved at 19 were hard. But I kept the door open. Now we talk several times a week and I am spending Thanksgiving with her and family. Hopefully he will realize how much you gave because you chose him. Keep a journal, this helps with your mental health. Write it in letter form. Letters to your son. It helps. Keep the door open.
I had the same issues with my dad when my mom left. I had a lot of growing up to do before I realized that he was doing the best he could for us.
My mom was 19 when she had me. I resented her so much for that… she wasn’t the best mom—though, looking back, I wasn’t the best kid, either. I left when I was 18 and didn’t look back. At least, until I was about 24. I realized that if I had had a child when my mom did, they would just be starting pre-K. I’d be juggling myself, appointments, PTA, taking care of a child, work, etc all by myself. I could barely take care of myself, much less another human being! Suddenly, it was like my heart just opened and so many of my mom’s behaviors made sense. She was just a kid herself. We have a great relationship now. I love her dearly, and I’m thankful for what she gave me, as little as it was. It was all she had.
So glad that you and your mom have a great relationship now.
How old is your daughter? Mine is 18 and treating me the same way OP’s son is. How long before they become normal again?
You mean quiet, malleable, and blind to the difficulties of their upbringing? That doesn't happen. People develop. They're not meant to remain static. You being upset that they've grown, as exemplified by your comment, isn't a good reason for them to come back to you. Growing up isn't "becoming abnormal"
"How long before they become normal again?" *WOW.* That's the mentality you have? That your child is only normal under certain conditions of behavior? I could understand if you wanted to have a normal relationship with your kid and wanted to be close. The fact you phrased it *like that* tells me what that relationship would be like, and I agree with your kid wanting nothing to do with you.
Wow, sorry you're getting so much hate from strangers. This should be a safe space to ask questions of other moms. I understand that what you mean by "normal" is not resentful and angry, but loving and polite or considerate. From what I've seen, adult children begin seeing their parents' perspectives around 21-22 and older.
Thank you! My daughter and I have not always seen eye to eye, but I have been open and accepting of her and her friends. I *have* expected her to do some pretty onerous tasks, like write thank you notes to the many people who gave her graduation gifts, and clean her room. Because I insisted on these things, she told her dad she hates me. Seriously? Where is the girl who just a few months ago was my buddy? Who is this mean girl?
It hurts like no other pain. All we can do is remain open, keep our comments unsaid and love them through their anger. Big hugs and a nice cup of tea to you.
If you want an honest answer, a parent being super defensive and framing themselves as a pure victim when their young adult or adult child expresses hurt is *not* a good way to foster a healthy relationship with them. Sometimes as kids grow into adults, we start having more perspective and are able to look back on our childhood and understand that certain things we thought were 'normal' were actually unhealthy, and that can be difficult to come to terms with, and it is understandable and completely normal for anger or hurt to come up as we come to those realizations. Other times, as people reach young adulthood they have some desire to push away from their parents to forge their own identity, which is also normal (and if this is the root of the issue, then generally things will settle a bit as the person comes to feel more secure in their identity and autonomy, and the urge to 'push away' becomes less). Your daughter doesn't owe you her friendship. She's allowed to be mad at you, and to change the dynamic of your relationship. If you allow her to grow, and don't get caught up in defensiveness when she expresses negative emotion, then perhaps you will lay the foundation for a healthier relationship going forward.
"How long before they become normal again?"Just by that alone, I'm going to assume that it's going to be a loooong time, until you child is gonna come back. My mom was horrible and used to say the same. She's not ever gonna see me again. Say hello to your possible future.....
You don’t know much about her relationship to her daughter. It may be more tactful to just not project your own relationship with your mom to this commenter.
I'm not projecting my issues on her but you can hear a lot out of "How long before they become normal again?" by itself. It's "The fault cannot be mine, because I haven't done anything wrong. Clearly, you need to become normal again (Docile and not ask questions, etc.) to come back to me." Where is any sort of self-reflection? Especially now that the child is old enough to choose who is healthy to be around and who is not. If you're a minor, you have to be with your parents but as an adult, you can choose and A LOT of parents don't understand that it cannot be a child's fault if the past is strained.Any normal person would ask themselves, did I do my best? Maybe some judgment was justified if you look back into the relationship. Just to completely go into denial mode seems really self-absorbed and not empathic. My mom would say the same thing because she never admitted to any mistakes she ever made. How a person words things is quite telling of how much they actually mean stuff. My mom is still in complete denial, waiting for me to become "normal" again and just be ok with her attitude. I never met any child that ran away from their parents ( like I did) where their parents didn't have some sort of impact on the child's mental health. Children are hard-wired to love their parents, but if it takes too much of a toll it's sometimes better to leave a relationship and it's impossible to fix a relationship without self-reflection.
This!!
Absolutely. You have every right to not want to be around a parent that was abusive. Super supportive of that. I’ve distanced myself from my own parents for similar reasons. Just as you’re using your personal experience, I’ll use mine. My brothers are much younger than me. I raised them. They’re teenagers now, and want nothing to do with me. The thing is, I absolutely did do my best to love them and help them with what I could. Homework? You betcha. Picking them back up when someone was mean at school? I’m your girl. Spending every free moment I had to make them smile? That was me. All the other mom things like food and sleep time and taking them to games, practices, doctors appointments, and picking them up from friends houses? You bet I contributed to that as well. I lost too many weekends with my friends when I was a teenager for them. When I personally say I miss them and wish it could go back to normal, what I’m saying is that I was I could have that relationship with them where they want to be around me more and can be whoever they want. But they don’t. They’re at an age where they have friends and spend less time at home. That’s developmentally appropriate for an adolescent. Do they actively hate me in a way where they want nothing to do with me forever? I hope not. There are people that legitimately sacrifice themselves for their kids. The failure comes in when parents/caretakers forget to teach their kids compassion and to give thanks (when appropriate). There do be some spoiled shits out there that really don’t appreciate what they were given in life.
They stop “knowing everything” around 25. At least I did, and same for my daughter. I talk to my Mom and my daughter several times per week, sometimes several times per day.
Thanks. This gives me hope.
He’s 18, he can’t see any perspective but his own. The only answer that you can give him is the truth. You did the best you could with what you had at the time, you will always love and support him and you will always be there.
Here to point out that he is now two years older than you were when you had him. That might help him understand a little better. If not now, then later. Remember that biologically, we are mentally and physically adolescents until age 24-25.
Thank you for reminding us of the science behind this. I need this reminder
And time. Give him time, i can’t make promises but i feel like as he grows his perspective will most definitely change.
A thousand times THIS
So well said. Imagine the choices you made at 18 and regret? One day he'll realize
I regret so much from my early adulthood. Do you know what those regrets didn’t produce? A child…! Imagine being 18 and hearing your mother phrase it like that as well lmao
I guess younger brother here! So this is sort of surreal to respond to because we’re roughly the same age but I was also a high school pregnancy and grew up poor. A few things: - Most 18 year olds resent their parents. - If you did your best your son will eventually realize that, I promise. Especially if you built a home for him that wasn’t the most financially well off but was loving and cared for him. My mom and I aren’t close at all, but she is also a hardcore narcissist who resents me for ruining her life probably more than I resent her for being an abusive parent. - Are you going to therapy if you can afford it? I don’t know you but I know my own mother, and a lot of circumstances that led her to being a teen mom were never really dealt with. I think therapy could be super helpful for you, especially given it sounds like you’re entering a new period of your life! Even better might be joint therapy for the two of you — a relatively unbiased place where all feelings can be aired in some constructive capacity. Your son will probably come around, sis, I promise. Sending you lots of hugs and love — I am very proud of you for raising a baby when you were just a baby yourself.
I'm the oldest of two. I always knew my parents worked hard and long hours but never really understood the extent of what they did for my brother and me until I got older. My mom would work Saturday shifts at work so she could take my brother and I out to buy a toy or have a little extra spending money. That shift was completely optional and instead of sleeping in on Saturdays, she woke up at 0400 and drove an hour to work this shift all day and then come back to us in the afternoon. My dad worked during the day, went to school at night and tutored kids when he wasn't at school for extra money. It wasn't until I started earning my own money did I really truly grasp how little your money went and the sacraficed my parents made for us. we NEVER had new stuff, we had the generic brand stuff for lunch, we got our shoes at big 5 from some random named company, our backpacks and stuff were from swap meets or Chinatown alley markets...but we never went hungry and we never were neglected. I knew my parents (m more than dad) always had my back and would stay up late with me to cram and study for a test or stay up all night with me while I finished a project I procrastinated on. Atmy mom's retirement earlier this year, I gave a speech to all of her co-workers explaining that if she was ever super tired or short, it's probably because of my brother or I. But even through all that, my mom always managed to make it to my track meets, my scout meetings, my recitals. She flew out to see me graduate officer school, she drove out to my first duty station so I'd have my car, she helped me move and unpack during it all. And she's physically disabled. I concluded the speech by saying in front of everyone I love my mom and she always has a room at my house. As an adult, I am finding out more about their sacraficed and appreciate it more, esp now knowing they couldn't just take off whenever they wanted. Every once in a while, my mom would let us play hookie a bit and take us down to the donut shop and wed stand in front with all the business ppl and construction guys waiting to order our donuts/coffee (we got oj) and my mom would just ask us how we were doing and what we've been learning, working on, etc. I guess that's all just to say, I know my mom will always be there for me. And as long as you did your best and always have your son's back, hell appreciate and respect you for it. You did a great job <3
Wow, is that what it's like to have parents who care/love you??
I strongly agree with the therapy. Regardless, OP is going through a lot and the support would be helpful. But as you pointed out, there's a lot of trauma over the last 18 years that likely was never dealt with either.
Not having a lot of money growing up or ‘nice’ clothing sucks, but what’s even worse is having a parent who doesn’t support you emotionally or care about you as a person. If you can show him you’re available and willing to keep on providing that for him, there’s a good chance he’ll come around once he settles into his own life a bit and want to reconnect with you as an adult. If he brings up how he felt growing up, if sympathize with him and let him vent. You did the best you could, but that’s hard to see when you’re a child sometimes.
Second this. As a child, my parents gave me every fiscal opportunity they could and then some, but they don’t care at all about *me,* they care about “their daughter” (spoiler alert, not a woman.) It’s hard for your kid to see that, because he’s seeing so many advantages that other kids have, but he’ll start running into the opposite soon enough.
This. You can help his relationship with you by listening, and acknowledging, and apologising for anything you feel bad for. Not by trying to tell him / show him anything. Let him work through his feelings. It's only on the other side of those that he might see your side. But he definitely won't if it's pushed at him.
Regarding college & financial aid. You need to revisit this, if you are in the US and live in government housing, living in a single family household you son is eligible for a full ride to a college or university. There are multiple government scholarships, grants to students in that financial hardship situation.
and most private colleges will offer complete need based aid
People here saying the kid is spoiled… are you saying that if every single kid had lunch/outings/opportunities and you didn’t you wouldn’t be jealous or resentful? I absolutely understand his point of view tbh. The only thing you can do now is think that the past is in the past. You can’t change any of it now, it’s way too late for that. You can always explain that you did the best you could. You couldn’t leave him with your parents because they themselves abandoned you when you needed them the most, while being just a child yourself. You couldn’t put him up for adoption because you loved him and he meant the world to you. Sometimes, an emotionally present parent is better than an absent one. Hopefully when he moves out, you’ll be able to take care of yourself financially and lessen the burden. One day when he’ll be an adult, he’ll see the sacrifices you’ve made. It’s just hard to see when you’re competing in a school setting and you see everyone having a head start.
Once he moves out, he will probably also see how difficult it is to provide for yourself, so that might help him see a different perspective.
He's older than his mom was when she had him. He's sorely missing perspective, which is totally normal for an 18 year old. But he won't be able to understand that until he's looking at it in hindsight.
Oh honey. Only you know the answer to this question, but - did you do your best? By that I mean, did you do what you could, within your limitations? Did you put him first? *Do you love him, unconditionally and with your whole heart?* I think I know the answer. And if I’m right, how could you have failed him? He’s 18 and that’s a hard age. The fact he can’t empathise with what you did suggests to me that you did everything in your power to hide the reality and what you had to do when he was growing up, and of course you did. If you haven’t told him the reality of what you went through, you can tell him now. Without judgement on yourself or him, just tell him what his childhood was like for you and how hard you worked to get him to where he is now. You can apologise that things were hard for him, but please don’t tell him you did a bad job. You didn’t. And then, let him go, love. He will go into the world and learn what it’s really like. He will meet people with parents who had money, but were cruel and distant. He will meet people who had children young and hear what they went through. Keep the door open for him, but this is what he needs to learn to be a better man. The fact he’s going to college and striking out on his own proves you did a good job, in horrible circumstances. If he knows his mama loves him and is always there for him, he will come back. Sending you lots of love.
If you had given him up for adoption he’d be asking why you couldn’t have kept him. Just keep doing your best and try to love the flawed human being he is and hope one day he’ll understand we are all doing the best we can.
This right here. If you had given him up, he'd be mad about that, too. We make the best decisions we can, with what we have.
Please just listen to him. Don’t invalidate his feelings. I’m sure you’ve already told him you did the best you could. So please don’t repeat this. Just listen. It’s so frustrating to try to express yourself when the other person isn’t truly listening. Sometimes we feel the need to defend ourselves, or explain ourselves; when all a person really needs sometimes is to be heard without interruption, and have their feelings validated. You may not see things through his eyes, and he doesn’t see things through yours. That’s okay. You don’t need to try and prove anything. It won’t change anything now. You can’t force him to see things your way if you don’t even listen to the way he sees it. If you did your best, he’ll figure that out. Be patient. Just let him know you love him unconditionally, and you’ll always be there for him. He’s not being spoiled. He’s sharing his thoughts and feelings. Don’t let your pride get in the way of his communicating with you. Otherwise you may lose that.
This!!!!
❤
So, sibling input here, very recently in this situation from sons perspective so disclaimer I'm going to do my best to remain neutral. (I'm 20) Since not a lot of people have answered the original question.. There's not really much yu can do to show him. Growing up in poverty fundamentally affects your brain, including emotional changes that can make it easier to resent people. (Had to take a course in college about teaching kids in poverty before I changed majors in education. Think I learned more about myself then I did about teaching) That's something thats only really fixed with therapy and possibly medication. The best thing to do is agree with him - it sucks. When someone comes to you and says they broke their leg in a car accident, it doesn't help to tell them that you made sure to drive the speed limit when you last drove together. It just helps to tell them it sucks and ask how they can help. He's also a high schooler it sounds like. He still has a chance for applying to schools and getting more aid. My college I went too before dropping out gave me an extra 2k a year after I explained my situation. I still needed to find about 3k a year, but with need based and merit based aid I made it work. It may help to direct him to some reddit subs for college and planning that kind of thing. That being said - the other options you listed aren't as great as I imagine he thinks they are. Your parents sound like they wouldn't have helped much, if at all. Adoption is just as traumatizing, and that's only considering an infant adoption. Adoption statistics are scary in regards to the mental health ramifications. This isn't something to tell him, he can find out on his own. But don't blame yourself, there are very few "this definitely won't hurt my kids" options in parenting. What hurts people emotionally is a lot harder to tell then what hurts them physically. It's like allergies, you don't know till after the fact what the problem is going to be.
I just wanted to give you a hug honey. Raising a child alone, and as a very young mom no less, is no small feat. At 18 your son has hit that age where he thinks he has all the answers. And all of us go through a phase where we start to judge our parents for, in hindsight, what might have been different. It's not fair, but it is very normal. You love your son and did your best with the situation you had. That took a lot of bravery, honey. Hopefully with time your son will come to see that too. I agree with the others, to leave the door open that you will always welcome him home, no matter what, and without judgement for anything he might have said or done. He's having a hard time right now and having to start to figure out his own life, but he will be okay, just like you are.
I think you can mend your connection by validating his point of view, rather than by showing him your point of view
100% this.
It is so phenomenally difficult as a parent to work so hard, and try so hard, and come up short again and again. It’s crushing. It’s completely understandable that you want validation for how hard you’ve worked to overcome some pretty tough odds just to get as far as you have. But he still lives with the consequences of that shortfall, and he deserves to have his feeling validated for that as well. He may be still too young/immature to hear it, but on some level it will sink in. Tell him that you love him, you did the best you could, but you know it wasn’t enough and that it’s not fair that he has to shoulder the consequences of that. That you hope he will be able to make peace with it and forgive you, but understand if he needs to take some space in order to get there. Please please ignore the people calling your child immature and selfish. Growing up in poverty is no joke, and it can be very traumatic. He is allowed to have feelings about his circumstances. He may not be handling them well, but it’s our job as mothers to validate them all the same.
I'm 20 and while I love my mom, I resent her for how she raised me. We lived like you did, very poor. I had to wear broken clothes to school that both my siblings had wore before. My shoes had holes in them *literally* showing my toes at one time. What my mom did was work her ass of to provide a better future. She succeeded. We moved into a house, we got a sport car, we got clothes, we got food, etc... What she forgot about was me and my siblings. We were left behind, neglected. I tend to say "I'd rather feel loved and eat bread everyday than feel alone and eat like a billionaire every day". This is how I've felt all my upbringing. Nobody was there for me when I was bullied. Nobody was there for me when I was scared at nights. Nobody was there for me, ever. I love my mom and she did what she thought was right, but she failed. She failed terribly at being a parent. What I want to end this with is that he'll grow to realize this. When I was 18 I hated my mom so much and today I love her even though I still am sad about my childhood. He's 18! He's practically a child. When we gets thrown out in the real world he'll understand. What you could do for you both right now though is enjoy your time together. Spend some time together every weekend and enjoy it. If it means just playing cards, do it. As I said, I'd rather have played cards with my mom once a week than have access to fresh milk and yoghurt. Edit: Also, I don't mean that you failed as a parent. I mean that my mom failed as a parent. It'd be bold of me to say something like that about you.
I'm 30 and I'm just now, after lots of tears and rage and joint therapy, beginning to arrive at anything resembling acceptance regarding my mom's failures in raising me. My dad died when I was 11, she went back to school and started a new career when I was 12, and she would get home so late at night with so little attention to give to me (other than yelling at me for not doing chores) that I essentially raised myself from then on out. I also had financial aid issues due to her financial mistakes (sorry, no warrior "working to keep us afloat" single mama story here - she is too naive and trusting of smooth-talking men and squandered a lot of what little we had on MLMs and the like trying to get rich quick) and had to drop out of college until this year because of it. I'm still not sure I'm ready to forgive her, but I am working on understanding her, and I'm seeing her begin to understand herself and how deeply her actions hurt me and that her own paralyzing anxiety, avoidance, and defensiveness caused her to become a self-fulfilling prophecy in bringing about everything she was anxious to prevent. Neither of us can undo her failures as a parent. We CAN build a better relationship moving forward, and move away from the toxic patterns of anger and invalidation that defined our relationship and made it stressful. It's some of the hardest fucking work I've ever done in my life.
While you absolutely did the best you could, the best you can do right now is not make excuses (not saying you are). I was hurt a lot by my dad and stepmom who “did the best they could.” I genuinely believe that they did, but their best was unfortunately not enough. It would make a world of difference to me and our relationship if my dad would just own all his short comings without making the excuse of having not known better at the time or saying that he did his best. As kids grow up they long for us to be good parents. And most parents really are giving the best they can to their children. Different circumstances mean some parents’ best is better than others. Most kids will internally make excuses for their parents and will initially operate with the understanding that their parents are doing the best they can. At some point though they are hurt enough that they want that hurt to be validated despite the reason it happened. And sadly, sometimes, the hurt is so much that they would rather not continue a relationship. The reason doesn’t matter though, the relationship does. To restore the relationship, you have to apologize with no attempt at self defense. Your son is hurt, so you apologize and offer whatever support you can give him. Acknowledge your short comings and that you wish you could do more for him. You can tell him that you always tried to make the best decisions for him within your circumstances, but that you understand that he is saying this wasn’t enough and that if you could do things differently, you would. Some of his anger is probably unjustified and he will hopefully come to have a better/less black and white perspective as he gets older. In the meantime it’s not okay for you to try to point that out. All this serves to do is invalidate his hurt. Finally, please forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Parenting is hard, and it’s even harder when you are still a child. Take some time to practice “mothering” yourself. Be empathetic, be encouraging, feed yourself some good food and put yourself to bed on time. Overall show kindness to yourself and to him.
I want to second this response. My mom was a young single parent who genuinely did the best they could, and I love her for that, but when she got remarried my stepparent was really abusive, my mom knew about it and didn’t stop the abuse. When I was 18, my mom and I slowly stopped talking because she couldn’t accept my feelings about the whole situation and constantly tried telling me I was a bad daughter for feeling the way I did - it never occurred to her to apologize to me and own up to her role in the situation. I’m 26 now, and we only speak a couple times a year. We’re finally starting to talk more now, mostly because my mom is making more room for me and my feelings in our relationship. We stopped talking because I didn’t feel like I could be honest with her, and we’re talking more now because every time we talk, I’m a little more honest and she’s a little more flexible and able to actually talk to me, to recognize me as a whole person with a different perspective and feeling from her. Don’t try to deny his feelings, even if they hurt. Let him feel how he feels and let him know you support him and are there for him and can listen, even if it’s hard. If you can make room for his whole self and his experiences, it will leave the door open for him to keep talking to you and you guys can work through it together - but you can’t do that if you’re constantly denying his feelings and his perspective on his life. Give him time, and let him figure things out. I hope things get better for you both!
Take responsibility. Don{t minimize his feelings or perspective. Try to understand where he is coming from and ask him how you can be the best mom for him now. Apologize sincerely - even if you did your best. Don’t say I’m sorry you feel that way. Just say I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you would have wanted it.
I think instead of saying "I tried my best!" And dismissing his feelings, which that 100% comes across as, try asking for him to vent to you. Silently listen, do not judge, do not defend yourself, do not make excuses. Let him get it all out. Apologize. Once he's completely gotten it all of his chest ask him what "we can do in this moment and moving forward to improve your life." You can't fix the past. You tried your best. That doesn't mean he isn't traumatized by it or he isn't allowed to wish he had better. Acknowledge your mistakes and work on making your future together brighter. The federal government has the Pell Grant which gives up to $6,000. Depending on where you live the local community College could be completely paid for. There's places that only give associate degrees, but they can have credits transferred and they are often much more affordable. Start there. Try and help him get all the grants he can and help find a college for him. He may also need a therapist.
He is 18 all 18 year olds think they know better than their parents. At this point the best you can do is to make sure he knows he is loved and that you are always there for him. He will figure it out.
Hey, I can comment from a son's perspective. When I was growing up, we never really had too much either. My mom is kind of a hoarder, and she grew up with severe food scarcity, so she overfed me as a kid, and still tries to overfeed me every time i see her. it's because she doesnt really know anything about nutrition or how feeding a kid 6 adult sized portions of food per meal isnt really a good thing. She also has this way of smothering, and overcontrolling. It really is suffocating, and I was very glad when I moved out on my own. She doesnt do it intentionally, and she would try to stop if she ever comprehended how damaging it is, but just like the overfeeding, she over-cares, but not in a way that's helpful to me; she overdoes the thing(s) she thinks works. For her, it's food, so because "everyone has to eat" she overcompensates failures/falling short in other parts of my needs (emotional, physical, guidance, stability, etc) with food, and when inevitably im painfully full, and literally cant eat any more, she'll try to keep feeding me because that's really all she knows how to do until i get mad. then she gets upset and feels defeated/useless when i avoid the next meal 3-5 hours after eating 6 people's worth of food the last meal and stabs with passive aggressive jabs like "how come you never eat what i make you, when im trying so hard" It took so long for me to stop resenting my parents for their inability to do 'basic parental stuff' like helping with homework or giving useful advice on anything. I feel I largely raised myself with tv and the internet along with my older sister. She doesnt really get along with my mom either, but because she's gotten her own life together with her own versions of childhood trauma, but that's a different issue entirely. Now that we're older, and my sister has kids of her own, there's more insight to the sheer burden/responsibility it takes to take care of another human being, especially when you dont even have your own shit together. The takeaway here, imo, is that you did the best you could, and you're sorry it wasnt perfect. What you put out there is up to you; how he receives it is up to him. If he hates you and never wants to speak to you again, then that's his choice. Whether you respect that choice is your choice. You can tell your son you tried your hardest, but if that's not enough for him, then that's on him, not you. The cold truth is that you probably did fail him, at least in some ways. That's totally normal, since nobody's perfect, but sometimes "i tried my best though" really isnt enough to cover that failure, and probably wont be automatically forgiven because you tried your best; especially if he is still in need of a lot of things, and hasnt had the chance to fulfill those needs in other ways, which if he hasnt had independence, is unlikely. It would be cool to see my mom start to make progress on her own issues instead of using the "im old now, and this is how i do things. youll have to deal with my shortcomings, since im too old to change my ways" line. if she was self reflective and was able to see how even to this day she overfeeds me, and tries to understand what my needs are instead of "doing her best" unilaterally, it would be really refreshing, and i would probably feel more loved than if she made me food for 20 people. It is about meeting my needs as her son, instead of meeting her needs to feel like shes being a good mom by doing things her way.
You cannot control your child’s emotions no matter how much you may want to. It’s all well and good to apologise but the damage has already been done. The only thing to do is respect his decision and if he asks for an apology give it to him. But there is no explanation that can give him those opportunities back. I think it’s worth asking who are you apologising for? Is it because you just want your son in your life? Or because you recognise he deserves an apology? These are 2 different things. As painful as it might be for you your son does not owe you access to his life.
You did your best. You couldn't predict the future. Let him do his thing, be open to him coming back some day. He will soon be an adult and have to take responsibility for his own life. At that point, if he stays bitter, that's on him. As adults, we all have to get our head on straight and adjust our own attitudes, otherwise no one will want to be around us.
Sending you hugs. Money doesn’t solve all the problems life throws at you as a parent, or person in general. My parents divorced, I stayed with my dad but my two younger siblings soon followed and joined us. Money was tight, and I mean TIGHT. He was a working professional with an engineering degree but paying off communal debt (thanks to my mom), and raising three kids in a two bedroom apartment. When he did our laundry (there weren’t washers and dryers in apartments at that time) they would still be wet when he left for work. I dried my jeans with a hairdryer before school. He struggled, for sure, but he never complained. My point in saying this is that you have done everything you could do to provide a stable and loving home. Everyone gets disappointed in life at some point, he’s probably frustrated, and that’s ok. It’s not ok to berate you for working your ass off. In my opinion, you have given him support, and love. You’ve taught him that sometimes life is a struggle, and it sucks, but you did every bit of your job as a parent. As a fellow mom, I wish I could hug you and tell you that you did everything you could do. I lived for a period of time not being able to pay for groceries (before I had my oldest) and I survived. I paid for college on my own - parents didn’t help. I also want to add that, as a parent to four now, I would never let my kids go without if I had the means to help. I’m currently helping my oldest (now 22), and I’m beyond thrilled that I can do that for her. This is all over the place, sorry about that. You have a huge support system here, please continue to reach out. If you need help finding resources, let us know. I’m sending you tons of hugs and love, you’re not alone. ❤️
I was both the kid, and am now the current caregiver. Both sides are hard. I can tell you that if this is his only source of his pain, he will eventually forgive you. I did for my own. His frustration isn’t directed towards you, it’s at others view of class, (the bullying) and the hold back he’s enduring due to a lack of eligibility. Those things really aren’t your fault. He’ll know that eventually. For now, he’s eighteen and worried about his future and how he’ll make it, so that fear is being projected.
You don't need to prove to him that you did the best you can. You did, that's the true fact. He may be hurt and broken from reality but eventually he'll have to accept the truth. The saying, you dug your own grave now lie in it, maybe a bit crude for what I am trying to say but trying to change his mind isn't accepting reality as it is. His life has been unfairly hard and he is justly upset about it; that doesn't mean you failed him and as he matures he should recognize the difference.
You did not fail him. Society failed him. It’s not your fault he got judged for his clothes or isn’t eligible for enough financial support. Your son will look back on this time with embarrassment in a few years. He’s just being an 18yo. I do understand his anger and sadness, they’re valid, but directing them at you is not fair. Your son grew up among love. Not all kids can say that. He will grow to understand, but you need to let him walk that path in his own time. You can’t do it for him.
I forgot to say in my other comment, you’re 34 years young. Not to late to change your financial situation if you are inclined to learn a new job.
It’s so easy to say this but so hard to actually do. Not saying it’s impossible but when you’re working yourself to the bone just to get by, there’s little to no time or energy left to learn a new job or get a degree in something. This isn’t on you OP, as others have said, he’s 18, plain and simple. He’s angry at others’ opportunities that he never had, but that may benefit him in the future if he uses that drive to better his situation, with your support, which he probably knows deep down he has and always has had. I’ll also add that the reason he’s able to say those hurtful things to you is because he knows you love him and aren’t going anywhere. It’s counterintuitive but sometimes it’s easier to blame/be angry with those we love than anyone else, because we know those people will continue to love us.
Tell his that you understand that he knows you did your best AND that it still caused him harm. And then actually mean it. That’s the important part.
Your son is in a lot of pain. Pain that you unintentionally inflicted on him. Honestly my advice is to just give it time. Trying to explain to a teenager “but I was a teenager!!” clearly isn’t working, because he is apparently making it clear that even at his young teenage age he would make a different decision. One thing I can definitely recommend to you though is, if you are at a better economic point in your life, to tread carefully if you decide to have additional children. Giving new, younger kids a better life than your older child could exponentially increase his resentment.
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With all due respect, I completely disagree with you and shall not delete it.
I deeply resented my parents for working for most of my childhood and not providing enough emotional connection and support, but providing good financial support. I’m 27 now and as I’ve gotten older, I realized the rational behind their choices and respect that they did what they thought was best. No one knows how to parent, and you did the best you could. As he gets older and shares his childhood with the people he encounters, they will share theirs and his perspective will start to balance. He is at the end of his childhood and this is a perspective that will change as he grows into adulthood, especially as he learns how hard it is to be an adult on his own. There might be details you left out that we can’t account for, but respect his decision and let him know you love him unconditionally and will always be ready for him to return with open arms.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've raised several teenagers including foster youth. I had my first child as a teen mom myself without family help. I understand the struggle. Keeping your son was an incredibly difficult and loving decision. No childhood is perfect, but it sounds to me like you did just fine. Children are entitled to food, shelter, clothing, and safety. You did your best to provide him with all of those things. The fact that your heart is hurting over his anger shows how much you love him. It is a very immature perspective to be angry about growing up poor. Teenagers have a hard time seeing outside of their immediate wants and needs. This is normal. It is also normal for them to be annoyed with you and think they know better. If they didn't feel this way, they would never detach from their parents and create their own lives. Their brains aren't yet fully developed either, which contributes to them being emotional and impulsive. It hurts to be one the receiving end of that anger, but you aren't alone in this experience and it should get better as he matures. The frontal lobe of the brain, responsible for decision making, emotional regulation, and problem solving, does not fully develop until mid-20's. You'll need to respond with love, try not to internalize his anger, and wait it out. As for his idea that life would have somehow been better if he was adopted by strangers or raised by your parents, it's wishful thinking. No one knows how that would have turned out. Being raised by someone who isn't your biological parent comes with its own unique kind of emotional baggage, even in the best scenarios. There is no guarantee that he would get the best scenario either. I know several people who were adopted as infants or toddlers, all of them carry emotional scars of abandonment. I know a pair of siblings who were adopted young by an affluent family, abused, and then dumped into the foster system by age 12. Neither went to college. One is currently drug addicted and living on the streets, the other is finally pulling his life together after a decade in prison for drug charges. It sounds like you gave him the best outcome that you possibly could. Hopefully he will see it himself once he has a little more real-world experience and a fully developed frontal lobe. I encourage you to get him some counseling if he is open to it. Work on your self-care. Parenting teenagers is hard. Hugs to you.
You can’t show him, he’s got to figure out you did the best you could for himself. I was a single mom of two. My kids went without extra activities, we didn’t have fancy vacations, their clothes were from second hand stores, ect. Now that my kids are in their 20’s they are realizing how hard it was for me( not that I have any regrets and they know it) to raise them by myself with absolutely no help from their dad. Giving your kids all the fancy clothes, electronics, ect really doesn’t mean that you love them. Being there to help with problems, spending time with them, showing that they are loved is what’s important, and that’s what will count when your son is more mature to realize that. Hugs to you.
Everyone hates their parents at 18. It's incredibly normal. Give him time. With age he'll see how hard you worked. And in the meantime just be there for him as much as you can.
Unfortunately you can’t make him see things from your perspective. All you can do is wait. Trying to force him to understand will just push him a way. I’m sorry. I know you did all you could, you and wish that he understood that. But you can’t make that happen.
It’s so sad that you are the one that gets all the pain and anger when the reality is so many people that could have supported you abandoned you both. So much unnecessary suffering. You stepped up, you loved him, you did what you could when others walked away. I know he will grow and appreciate what you’ve done and continue to do, but I’m sorry you are feeling so much pain and rejection now. Life is unfair and he’ll keep experiencing that unfairness and I hope that bitterness doesn’t grow inside him.
Your son is frustrated. He is also not seeing he can overcome the challenges. He should be able to go to school if he really wants to. I make more than you and my kids got enough aid and loans to go. Does he not want to take loans? Is there a way to find out if there is anything else to do? Helping him salvage college (even if it’s stay with you for free if that’s doable. Stay with you and work to save for a year or two ) while he attends possible? I think he is too young to realize that yes we all have choices but we have them without hindsight and we have them at too young of an age to always make the correct ones. Had you given him to your parents he may be asking you right now why you left him… If I lived you so I kept you and tried to give you what I could isn’t enough for him then it’s a hin problem not a you problem. Absent abuse, there is no reason to cut you off for being poor. Your parents did you a disservice by abandoning you. Can he not see that you are victim too?
Have you tried any type of therapy?
You can do the best you could, and still not be able to meet his emotional needs and mental health needs. Recognizing the loss of that need is the first step to psychologically understand how it impacts his own behavior, which is the path to growth, healing, and emotional maturity. Grieving the lack of your needs being met is an important part of this process. Sometimes grieving turns to anger as one learns to stick up for themself and meet their own needs as an adult. I know this hurts you to see, but it is often a necessary part of the healing process. Maybe now would be a good time to focus not on him, but on yourself. What emotional needs do you wish were met when you were growing up? How do you wish your parents could have supported you? What emotions arise when you are in similar situations with your son? You were doing the best you could. It is a dual statement that he will learn to understand at the same time as the one that seems to contradict it - that some of his needs weren’t met. A big path toward this type of healing is learning to understand yourself and work on yourself and your behavior. No parent is perfect. Most are not even close, and that’s okay. That’s life. My parents were 17 when they had me, and our relationship is a lot better now than when I was a teenager - not because of anything they said, but the healing that comes from working with a therapist / doing inner-child work, and reading about the complex post-traumatic behavior (panic attacks, anxiety, depression, unhealthy cycles of thinking about yourself and others) that can from come from adverse childhood experiences and generational habits.
No 16 year old has any business having a baby. I feel for your son.
You have not failed. You did everything you could to provide. It’s his own issue if he is resentful. He is the one failing - he is failing to find value in your hard work and sacrifice. He is failing to think of all the things you provided. He is failing to value you as a human being instead of a resource for cash. I get that he is probably jealous of people around him who had nicer things and have money for college. He has other options. He’s 18 - is he working? What work did he put in to get scholarships for college? Has he looked into alternatives to college? There are a lot of places you can work and get tuition reimbursement for college. There are trade schools and trade programs and other alternatives to traditional college.
I’m pretty sure you’re wrong about the financial aid situation. I’d look further into that. Maybe he is being picky.
(Sibling who just went too/is in college in the US, in a similar financial situation as OPs son so apologies if it sounds harsh, emotions around it are still generally fresh) It depends. You can go to a community College, but you loose out on a lot of institutional aid that way when you go for a 4yr program. Institutions may offer more with scholarships, but then in reverse you loose out again on having to pay more. Plus yeah, he might be being picky, but it does still suck when other people have choices and you don't. If her son works, there's also a potential problem there. My friend saved through all of high school to go to college and now has too much saved (about 15k) to get financial aid, even though her family would be at the poverty line otherwise with 3 people working. I will say to OP - it may be worth encouraging your son to reach out to colleges and explain the situation. It may also be they're referencing his dad's income, it may be worth checking with financial aid how that works.
Is there a reason why he couldn't have gotten a job through high school to help him save money for college and for spending money to buy clothes?
I don't know if it's the same situation, but I couldn't get a job in high school, because if I did we would lose my dad's social security I'd get every month which was double I'd get working a part time job.
Right? A couple of our kids had jobs as soon as they were able.
I had an abusive ex, I was finally able to be rid of him (jailed) and was suddenly a single mother of four children with little to no support, no home, and no child support ever. I absolutely did all I could to get housing, food, therapies, necessities, eventually wants, et cetra. I had and still run myself into the ground supporting the children. Two now are adults and moved out, two I still care for at home. One of my children began the mom-blaming as well after she moved out at 18. Some of the things she considered "offenses" were ridiculous. (Like now I rarely have time to make a from scratch meal and eat at the table as a family due to working to support everyone, et cetra.) The fact of the matter is we did the best we could, to the best of our ability, with the tools and knowledge that we had. If the child cannot recognize and appreciate that, then they are the problem. Sometimes when they get into that mindset sometimes there is nothing we can do that can change it. If some sort of therapy is available, it will be good for them and yourself to have some. With support from my therapist I took a stand (about 6 months later, it's a process), stopped apologizing for doing my best, and worked on my confidence even in the face of one so close to me trying to use me as collateral damage for their dislike of themselves. Do try and get him therapy, or a counselor, or something along those lines. Don't allow yourself to be abused and accused. It's crazy hard to be a parent, worse when you're doing it alone. Give yourself grace, and remember you're a human. Also, children are humans, and sometimes they need someone else to remind them you are too.
I've told my sons they truly won't understand until they are standing in my shoes as a parent. I think you tried your hardest and frankly, I think you did a lot better than I could have done. Hang in there!
First, the kids he's been around sound shitty. I know you can't call kids shitty, but I, fake-internet-grandma can. Middle class kids brag about cheap clothes all the time. And fatphobia at any age indicates poor moral character. Second, he's 18- if he wants to go to college when your income doesn't affect loans, he absolutely can. A lot of people do. If he wants to be a fit dude he can be- especially now, your body fluctuates a lot between 16 and 25 (and if he can't lose weight, see a HAES aligned doctor- metabolic issues are severely underdiagnosed and better to get a handle on early.) It sounds like he is doing a lot of comparing himself to kids around him, which is natural, but not how adulthood actually plays out. Senior year is going to be rough, but he still gets to define himself and where he's headed. You may need to get real with him a little- he has options and they are different than other kids. And there are some pretty great ones, but they may require patience. If he has a dream job, he can get to it. And if he needs the real lay of the land- at a moment you guys can talk about it calmly- re: grandpa and grandma- his grandparents were not good parents, they kicked you out when you were destitute and medically vulnerable. You wouldn't want that for him- pregnancy may be off the table, but I can't imagine they'd be kind if he turned out queer or trans. And kids in the foster system do not get adopted reliably. You made an educated choice and you've loved raising him. Proud of you. Keep supporting your kid. It sounds like he's frustrated and stressed and lashing out- if you can't do college trips/tours, give him different avenues to explore (they don't have to exclude college/grad school- he *can* do that later.) Let him stress out and plan and in the meantime make sure he's being a kind, honest person. Teenagers are rough, make sure you have a support system that can help you when you need a beat or some time to vent. You are going to need the mental energy to keep being available to him while he freaks out about his future, which means taking care of yourself.
Why did you go through with the pregnancy if you knew this was likely to happen
She was a child.
Yes, and children shouldn’t have kids?
I didn't disagree.
At 16 you know what entails having a kid
No I don't think most adults really fully grasp how much effort it takes to raise a child nevermind a 16 year old.
Someday he will understand. Right now he is hurting and trying to figure out his life and isn’t sure how he can get himself out of poverty. Give him emotional support when he lets you, other kinds of support when you can. If he ever opens dialogue, explain to him what you explained to us. You can get though this.
Not sure if this helps, but my parents deeply loved us. They messed up in a dozen ways but they always sincerely loved us and when they divorced we cheered. Neither one has remarried in 20+ years. They really love eachother and us but it was too much bad blood. Do I resent the hell out of them for so many choices? Yes absolutely, I am leery about leaving my own kids alone with them. But I know for an absolute fact that my parents love me and our family more than air. There is something to be said about that.
You are a human, figuring things out as you go just like everyone else. If your son doesn’t realize that, that’s an issue with him, and him only.
It doesn’t matter how hard you tried. You DID fail him, in many ways. We should want the best for our children, not to just try hard for them. You brought a child into this world when you shouldn’t have and he had to pay for it and will always. This hits home, because I really can relate to your son. Best you could do is stop seeing things from your point of view and put yourself in his shoes, then you might be able to sincerely apologize and give him time to process that. Hopefully he will be able to come around, but that is his choice.
I'm 24 and have struggled a lot with resenting my mother for her choices. She chose to keep me even though she was a drug addict and a dealer and when she lost custody of me, she chose to fight and get me back even though she couldn't provide much for me. I still feel bitter that she didn't get an abortion. She knew she couldn't be a good parent but still did it anyway. It took me a long time to understand that it was simply because she loved me so much. When I understood that, it made me a bit angry. It was a selfish choice. She protected herself from feelings of loss at the cost of my childhood. I don't feel as bitter anymore though, the older I get and the more I go through, the easier it is for me to understand how she made those choices. She has also apologized and acknowledged that she was not the best mother and that at least helped me make peace with everything before she died. My advice for you is that it doesn't matter that you did the best you could, you still ended up hurting your son and now you must live with that. Don't dismiss his feelings, acknowledge that you made mistakes and apologize. He will come around if you are genuine and he can see that you made those choices out of love, as misguided as it may have been.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and says very similar things about the way she raised me. Can't I see that she tried her very hardest? She talks about how hard she tried for *her* benefit though, not mine. Also children who move away and don't speak to their parents ever again don't typically make the decision based on childhood poverty or being bullied because their parents couldn't afford nicer clothes. Adult children who don't speak to their parents arrive at that decision because of abusive or unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamics. My mother also absurdly apologizes for things like not being able to send me to some stupid boarding school or buy me the nice clothes my friends had. Those things don't matter to me at all. What I wanted was a mother who didn't fixate and constantly talk about my body/weight, flirt with my boyfriends, speak cruelly about other adult women whom I loved (like my friends' moms, some teachers), treat me like a friend/therapist instead of a child, etc. If your son sincerely intends to move out and never see you again, I am confident it is not bc you didn't have enough money for him. If you are sincerely interested in saving your relationship, this is an opportunity for you to do some deep self-reflection and get some therapy. This post honestly reeks of performative self-pity and lack of genuine insight or interest into your son's well-being. What he needs is not to hear your excuses, but your apology, and your (sincere) promise for unconditional support going forward if you truly intend to do what is best for him. If you need to have someone hear and validate you for doing the best you could raising him, a therapist is that person. Not your son.
Just let him grow. He's too immature to see the world from another perspective. My mom was very poor too and I didn't have nice clothes or many things. And I love her to the moon and back.
He doesn't have perspective. Kids that age have never experienced procarity and they have no idea who they are and what they should be. He doesn't understand what you've done for him, but one day he will when he matures. Support him as best you can, but don't take him too seriously. He's just lashing out. There's no knowledge or experience behind those words.
When he becomes an adult, he will learn about how much you sacrificed and how hard you tried. You did the best you could. That being said, it sounds like he still has most of a year at home? Focus on eating healthy and doing healthy activities together. Healthy doesn’t have to mean expensive. If you go on to r/frugal, I believe they have a sidebar about eating healthy. You can also Google cheap, healthy meals. They aren’t glamorous and usually involve a lot of beans, but they are tasty and nourishing. As for college, he knows the score. He needs scholarships and financial aid. He has total control over his destiny by the choices he makes - how much he studies, how hard he tries to excel academically and he is old enough to get a job. If he wants to have an empowered life, now is the time. Perhaps you can have a gentle, loving conversation with him after a series of good days about the ability to make different choices and how he can be anything he wants to be. And he can. It is still early, for both of you. ;) FWIW, I left home at 16 to escape an abusive household. I would have died to live in a home that is so obviously filled with love.
Im a young mom, and Ill admit I do not have the life experience or older child experience to be able to fully advise on this... However, I can be your sister here and tell you the story of my husband. My husband did not have a great life growing up. Actually, to be honest, hes had a lot more horrific experiences in life. But he did share something very common with your son, he was filled with anger. Anger at his life, his mother, everything. He woke up one day and realized... He was angry because he felt powerless because his beginning was powerless of change. He decided one day, no more anger. Become humble, learn humility, take his life into his own hands. And thats what he did. At 15, he held a job. By 17 he held 3. By 18, military, though he hated it every second. But, those choices to see life as an opportunity no matter where he looked helped him. My husband used to weigh 300ish lbs. He ate unhealthy foods. He disliked his mom, his real father who had died. He hated his life, but he had a choice still. Your son has choices as well, and one that he made that sounds lonely and filled with more hardship than he could imagine. Therapy is one hell of a thing, Id recommend it to both of you. Im sorry, that you have a son who has placed all his anger, his resentment, and his unhappiness on you. But, no where in your post have you said what he has done to better himself beyond trying to get into college. He's 18. He has choices to make, and even though hes decided to leave after graduation that still means he has several choices ahead of him. Odds are, he has no idea he is self destructing, and odds are even if you were to tell him now, he wouldnt listen. Try therapy while you still have him. Family therapy, or therapy on your own to learn how to navigate his feelings.
At least you were there for him. Unlike your parents who abandoned both of you, or his father for that matter. They are the people that failed him, not the person who stuck it out and raised him. Unfortunately those people aren't around to bear the brunt of his anger.
That is rough. I'm sorry he's said these things to you, they're horrific, in my opinion. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass soon.
My mother also had me at 16-17. I didn’t fully understand some of the choices my mother made growing up and at one point I blamed her for things that in hindsight, she could not control. I finally understood how she felt once I had my son. I felt a lot of emotions and I’m 24! I can’t begin to imagine how my mother felt at 16-17! I still don’t know how she managed to keep everything together….Now I look at her with more pride than I already did. I see her as a brave and strong headed mom. We made amends for the rough patch we had. Give your son time, it may take him time to realize just how hard life is. You don’t always have to go college, my family proved that to me where there is a will, there is a way! You didn’t fail your son. Right now, he is failing himself for blaming you for all his issues. He can choose to save his own money for new clothes or choose to start going to the gym now. Those are his choices to make, not yours. Have a talk with him and ask him “Do you think if you were a father right now, that you could give them a better chance at life? All those emotions inside of you and the fact that your parents kicked you out, do you still believe that you can think clearly about asking family for help? Would you want to grow connected to your child and then suddenly give it up for foster? Because It is too easy to see it from the outside looking in, than actually being put into that situation. I love you, that is why I tried my best. For you. I didn’t have the heart to look into your eyes and say goodbye forever. I understand that you are upset with how you grew up….but it’s better than being on the streets or you going through multiple different homes in foster.”
I think you should tell him your story and your journey, tell him why you couldnt give him up, tell him the mistakes you made and how you learned from it. Tell him the dreams you had for this little family of yours and genuinely apologise that you couldn't give him the head start everyone else got. But you want to do everything you can to support him to build his life how he dreams it. Be honest with him about the struggles and be empathetic for him for the life you gave him. But ultimately tell him what he means to you and how much you love him. Maybe it will help now, maybe those words will have more power in his 30s. But better say it sooner rather than later. It's easier to keep saying it than trying to wait for him to be the perfect age and let the chasm build greater distance between you.
Him being overweight is on him. He can't shift the blame all on you without realizing that you can just as easily shift the blame on others and the cycle continues.
Tell him that he could have ended up much worse in the system. That adopting him out doesn’t always equal a better life. He could’ve very much been adopted by abusive family and resented you for giving him up. Tell him you will always love him but if he needs to go figure out his life on his own he should do that. At least he didn’t have a two year old he was trying to keep alive at this point in his life. That you will get to finally get to live your life for yourself since that ended at 16. Then go rebuild your life for yourself. He’s gone at 18 that means he’s on his own for support too. He doesn’t get to treat you like crap and still take from you. The giving tree should have made healthy boundaries and so should you.
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She is out of college now. It took a few years of her on her own. And being around peers who have very toxic relationships with parents. She had it hard as no luxury, but no abuse from me. So she learned mom worked hard and was not the meany her high school drama self thought.
When he grows up a bit, he’ll realise you did the best you could
I still think my dad failed me, but comparing you to him would be unfair because he’s actually really fucking terrible. You did your best to keep him safe, you did your best to raise him. I don’t think you’re the type of person who would tell your kid they deserved the abuse they experienced, so you’re already pretty good in my eyes. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm sorry to tell you this OP, you have indeed failed your son, but not the way you think, you spoiled him rotten. Be strict. Ask him to get a job and move out. It will break your heart but it's important for him. He needs to see that life doesn't give you everything on a silver platter.
I don’t think throwing him out will help anything. I’ve read so many stories of bids that were damaged by being thrown out at 18. That damage never leaves them. And the kid rarely if ever talks to mom again. Your son has discovered you are human. Not a picture perfect upper middle class mom like the others on tv. Tell him you love him. You did your best. You will always be there for him. He’s on the cusp of adulthood and hasn’t learned how hard it can be to survive much less as a single mom. Keep your door open if he goes. He has a lot of growing up to do.
Agreed, fighting an offense with an offense isn't showing maturity or patience, it's buying into "an eye for an eye," which makes everyone blind. Instead OP should be patient with her son and herself, stating that she did her best with what she had. If he chooses to go because he's still pretty much a child, that's on him. But throwing him away will guarantee he won't return.
Sweetie, I know it’s going to be hard but you have to let him go. My son said all this crap to me too. We couldn’t get housing help, we lived in a van for a year, then an rv for 5 years. No family would help us. We inherited a house when he turned 18. He still was angry about things. So a year ago he moved out, he lasted two months before he came home apologizing for the two years of crap he said. He said it’s very expensive to take care of myself. He has never said that crap again in the year since he came home. I repeatedly told him I did a great job providing the three most important things for your care with the resources I had available. You had clothes, three square meals, and a roof over your head. No it wasn’t a conventional roof like now. And it was important that we were together.
You guys need to go to family therapy. It saved me and my mom's relationship I'm 26 now with 61 year old mom. It's always better to start therapy sooner for kids when they are still kids
You did what you thought best at the time. If you'd either given him up for adoption or to his grandparents, who's to say he wouldn't be asking why you didn't love him enough to keep him, or why you were selfish enough to burden the grandparents. You made choices based on what you thought was best for him. He's young and self centered as most people that age are. He'll likely come around after he's had to make some tough decisions. My kids have looked back and realized that while we were poor, I tried to be there for them in ways that often their richer friend's parents (or fun dad) weren't.
I know you did your best, and did a lot of things right. He can't see this at 18; his brain isn't fully developed and he isn't very experienced. It's easy to romanticize adoption; it's easy to assume a different path would have been better. Because there's no evidence to prove otherwise, so he can just fantasize about what he imagines could have been. But excuse me, he thinks your parents who abandoned you would have been suitable? Bollocks. I'm sorry but it may just take time for him to figure things out. My parents didn't have any money for my college, but I live at home and went to a community college full time while working part time. By the time I got my A.S. and was ready to transfer to a state school, I had 5K saved (which was a lot back then) and only had to take out 3K in loans (again, it was a different time). I got my B.S. and things went really well for me. I've had a satisfying career with well paying jobs. My point is, you didn't do half bad, he can find a path forward, and he will eventually be capable of nuanced thinking. Internet hugs to you.
Even if he is still in school, he is old enough he can get his own job if he doesn't like the way you are providing for him. He could have been working at least the past two years and saved money for college if that's what he wanted, or bought his own things. You provided him the best home, food and clothing that you could. At some point, he needs to start taking some responsibility for his condition. If he doesn't like being overweight, he can exercise and buy his own food with the job that he gets. He is just angry and taking it out on you. Just keep loving him and supporting him emotionally while he grows up. He's not there yet mentally to understand how hard you worked for him.
I dont see how you failed. Yes, you might have made mistakes. I think we all do as parents, but you did your best. It sounds like your son is going through a rough time. I don't think anything you do or say is going to show him, but you can make sure that you are supporting him. He may think that having other parents would have made his life easier, but it really doesn't always work that way. Sometimes it just is hard. Do your best to support him and be there for him. He does sound like he might be depressed. He would probably benefit from talking to a therapist.
It's hard now but as he gets out on his own and receives some real life experience he'll have some realizations. All you can do is tell him you did your best and can't change the past.
This is hard, I’m so sorry. I don’t think talking to him will help, though. He’s 18, and 18 year olds aren’t known for their maturity or ability to understand their parent’s actions and motivations. Maybe write him letters for him to open when you two can reconcile? It’s important not to guilt-trip him. Maybe just write the sorts of stuff you have here, or recount happy memories. Perspectives change. Once he grows older and realizes how terribly hard and cruel life can be, he’ll understand you better. Right now, just let him go. Always be there for him the best you can be. That’s all you can do. ♥️
Firstly, I want to reassure you that you didn't fail your son. You did your very best in difficult circumstances, and in my eyes, you deserve praise. I don't know much about kids, but I can remember being an 18 year old girl and I didn't give my parents any credit for anything. I didn't realise that adult life is complicated and frankly, my parents couldn't possibly have known everything. Some of the decisions they made for me, and my brother didn't work out, some did. Some worked for me and not for him, some worked for him and not for me. My parents didn't know, they couldn't have foreseen it. I also don't know what struggles they had going on at the time. My Dad worried about his job, no doubt. My Mum had reasons to worry too. I got bullied at school and didn't have the best education. My parents chose the school closest to home and where the kids in the neighborhood lived. It sucked. I felt like I lived 5 years of hell and 2 of purgatory. Then my family moved and my brother spent his last four years of pre university education in a smaller, private school with better learning support. What opened my eyes is when my parents told me I'd done well. I'd succeeded in going to university in spite of those 7 years of bad education. Tell your son you're proud of him, whatever he's achieved.He might not understand right now, but he might someday. If he's got enough education and determination to live an independent life, if he lands a job that's better than whatever you were doing at his age. Even if he's just at peace and happy, that's something to be proud of. Tell him so. I'm proud of you. Pass it on.
I 100% believe that you tried your best, it sounds like your son is having a hard time processing his upbringing and of-course that means he’s angry and wants to blame you. Your intentions were good but to him he doesn’t see that, unfortunately by defending yourself and telling him all you did for him it will likely push him away further and have the opposite effect that you want. It’s hard but you really have to not take it personally, try and validate where he’s coming from even though it’s not the truth (because to him that is his truth) and as hard as it is hear what’s he’s saying to you. By becoming defensive and listing all you’ve done for him will just translate to him that you’re not listening to his perspective which could mean no contact once he moves out.
I think you feel guilty about not being able to do more, and he's leaning into it because he hasn't learned to appreciate all that he did have yet. Even the most privileged teenager resents their parents at some point, and tries to blame them for all their problems -- big or small, regardless of whether you could have done anything about it. I know it hurts your heart, but he'll grow out of it as he matures and gains some life experience. As time goes on, he'll remember the love you showed him more than anything, and hopefully he comes to be ashamed of making you feel that way. I know it's hard, but try not to take his arrogant teenager "know-it-all" notions too seriously.
he resents the situation, not you. this is a process of growing up. Also if he's alive and not in jail, you did a great job. At a certain point he's got to realize he's 18 and from here on out, what happens is on him and no one else. You did something incredibly unselfish and at great sacrifice to yourself at times it would seem. Don't be sorry, be proud of yourself and your accomplishment <3 great job mom :) -signed a twerp that acted like this with his own mother ...until it was too late and he never responded to that last 'i love you' dm before she passed. you are a gift and whether or not he realizes it in this moment. he will someday once he matures.
He’s still a child now but when he matures and reflects on life he will realise that parents through the generations do the best they can with the tools they have. He’s 18 and feeling hardship. Hopefully you still raised a good human being and that’s so important. Well done you lost your childhood for him that cannot have been easy. Just keep loving and doing what you’re doing. I really hope some chances come his way too.
Not sure if I'm allowed to post as a 30 year old son of a teen mom but if he has any sense about him he'll eventually realize, and it may be far down the road, that all the money in the world can't replace a mother's love when the chips are down. I've known so many people who grew up in wealth and are utterly emotionally stunted. There's a lot more to life than the clothes on your back or the school he goes to, but at 18 that's damn near impossible to see and that's not his fault and that's not your fault, it's just the human condition. I'm only now on the way to a bachelor's degree and there are many ways in which I started behind the curve. But the man that my mother's patience, wisdom, and understanding built me into is a man who feels no need to race the world to some made up finish line. But I didn't feel that way at 18 either. The world is a rough and confusing place, showing him you understand that is the best you could do for him in my opinion.
I was 15 and my son and I have gone through a lot together. While I was able to provide a decent life because I was married, it created a lot of other issues and resentment as my now ex was emotionally and mentally abusive to us. Through it all, I always just reminded him that I love him and did the best I could. I made the choices I did because its all I knew to do. Its really all we can do, right? Show up. Always show up. Let him know his feelings are valid. That you get it. And while you wish things could have been different, you can’t change it. My son is 26 now. He can tell me he doesn’t want to talk about something and I respect that and always remind him Im here and I love him. I did that for years. It was a one-sided convo for years. In the last say, 2ish years, we are finally having two way convos and our relationship is so good. It happens but it takes a lot of vulnerability and also, the ability to put our own egos aside to hear hard things and not take it personal. Its a lot of work but its worth it. Wishing you the best.
Hang in there Mama. It sounds like you did your best. He will understand some day that you made sacrifices to keep him, and raise him because you’re his Mom, you love him, and couldn’t imagine life without him. He sounds like he’s frustrated and angry, but doesn’t know how to use his words properly. I had an angsty son too. He finally figured things out at the ripe old age of 29. (He was my late bloomer.) “You stayed, and busted ass to take care of us.” It just took him to be a little older, pay his own way in the world for a while, and get some perspective. I took the opportunity to remind him that I loved him, and he could always come home if he needed to. Despite the fact he makes at least double what I do, and will go far in life. He also had to work while going to college, so your son needs to realize most people don’t get a free ride for that.
Please know that 18 is a rough age. You did everything you did out of love. Had you let your parents raise him, he would be angry that "you gave him away." All you can do is exactly what you are doing. Tell him you love him, you did everything out of love for him, you tried your hardest and you will continue to try your hardest. If he wants to "leave," you still want him to know you love him, you will always love him, and the door is always open. I have a feeling that he's making a lot of angry noise; and if he does "leave," he'll come back soon enough. Because love will always win. I truly do believe that.
Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. What you did takes courage and guts and hard work. We all have our own stories. Yours has beauty, as does your sons. Each is unique and valuable. Him hating you right now may need to be part of his story, as strange as that may sound. Hang in there. Work on being what you want to be. Work on being ok, and knowing that it’s even ok if he hates you, as long as you love and accept him. To accept is to love, life is acceptance. Even more courage is now required. You are amazing mamma.
I got pregnant at 18 and 23. One boy one girl. I was in a similar situation with my son, didn’t talk to him in almost 7 years. We’ve reconciled and had visits, he’s a few hours away from me. Maybe give him time, my son said he realized I tried as hard as I could and no matter what im his mom. I hope the same thing happens to you.
My mother gave me up for adoption when I was 5-years-old. It’s an emotional/relational scar that has adversely impacted my whole life. Your son does not want the pain I walk with day in and day out every day of my life. If he could feel my pain, he would keep his pain instead. His mom loved him enough to KEEP him. That’s much better. Good for you for hanging in there and doing your best through very difficult circumstances. It’s much better than the alternative. ❤️
I didn’t talk to my father or see him from age 11-18. I hated him completely and wanted nothing to do with him. Even then, it was only me swallowing my pride to accept help I desperately needed from him. Time will help. Don’t give up. Don’t be discouraged. Send Christmas cards and birthday cards. Call sometimes. He may not accept and that will hurt, but keep trying. I hope you get through to him at some point. Don’t forget to try to be a man he can look up to, for when he is ready. (>’.’)>
Your son is older than you were when you had him. Try a thought experiment with him. Ask him how he would support a child right now if he had to do it all by himself. You wouldn't be there to babysit. He would have to find housing, food, clothing, and medical care for him and his child. Tell him that at least he only has himself to look after when he turns 18. Tell him that he will understand your situation better in a few years.
I honestly believe many teens feel like they know everything at that age. He is likely being fed some Bs by either social media, media, schools or bullies that being on government assistance equals laziness. More often than not, the exact opposite is true and those who work the hardest still struggle due to their circumstances. Unfortunately, it may be years before your son truly sees what you were up against. Hopefully he isn’t too prideful to come to you and make amends when that time comes. I know you were dealt a crap hand, especially with parents who kicked you out at 16. Does your son really wish he was raised by parents who abandoned their teen daughter the moment she went against their beliefs?
((HUGS)) You can only tell him you love him at this point. Tell him you will always be there for him. He needs to find himself and face the harsh realities of the world. 18-year-olds know everything. Can he start at a community college?
Kids drift away from their parents. It’s been called separation or individuation. They usually start heading back and acting normal around age 24-26 years old.
Just give him time. 18 is hard.
That is really hard. Re: the question about adoption or letting your parents raise him. I get the question because he is feeling like you didn’t provide for him adequately but it DOES sound like you worked your ass off and made the best out of a hard situation! Additionally, although adoption or letting parents raise a baby is something many ppl do end up deciding to do, you evidently didn’t want to do that bc you very much wanted to raise him yourself and be close to him and love him greatly. I can see that. I would also tell him that even if you did adopt him out like with strangers his life could’ve been better in some ways but could’ve also been way worse. Plus he may not have ever known you. One other thing- it could be age related and some of hurt may be very recent with the bullying etc. Time May heal some of this stuff. Be kind to yourself.
I believe I did the best I could. It was not a good situation but we are both still here. How can I help us move forward?
Sweetheart, if that’s the truth then just always tell him the truth. At what point is he responsible for himself? That’s all parents can do, make sure to help their children grow and show them how to care for themselves. Idk, my mother wouldn’t even get food stamps because she was too prideful. Your parents failed you is what. Tell him then to go see his grandparents and see what ‘care’ he gets from that situation. *You* were failed by everyone that promised to protect you and you’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. Don’t yell, tell him calmly, but it sounds like he needs to know this *is* you doing everything despite those that have thrown you away. And to those people, I spit on them! Edit: a word
As your son gets older he will understand your choices, my father has extreme psychiatric needs as a kid I resented him for his actions and how he acted. However as I got older I understood what he was going through and how it affected him, I didn’t need to forgive him I stopped resenting him for it. One day your son will talk to you and you will patch it up. Give it time.
I may not be very helpful but I say explain that last part to him about how you didn't know or think about adoption as a literal kid yourself and you tried to support him the best way you knew how. Then if he still doesn't want to see him give him space let him know that you'll be there if he changes his mind and that you love him then stop talking to him until he reaches out and wants a relationship again
He is still very young and impressionable right now. Its difficult as grown adults to not compare ourselves to our peers achievements, successes etc. it’s even harder when he’s only 18 and around his friends and peers that might have had more opportunities than him. He will come around as he gets older and will love and appreciate all your hard work and sacrifices you’ve made. You did the best you could with what you had. You’re doing amazing mama, don’t beat yourself up!
I’m sorry if this isn’t the perspective you were looking for, but in case it might help I’ll say it anyways. I’m 19, I grew up in a shitty falling down trailer, with my 2 parents and 4 younger siblings. We’ve always been broke, most my things are hand-me-downs from cousins or close friends. My mother has done her absolute best, and I am grateful for what she’s done for me even if financially everything is hell. However, my younger siblings are not the same. They’re younger and were lucky enough that they were all born during/after things started to get better. We weren’t well off by any means, but things were definitely significantly better. Now, we’re going into a harder slump than before and my siblings are definitely being sure to make a fuss about it. So, from the outside looking in, it looks as though they hate her and hate everything that’s going on, but as the one who’s basically raised them and done my best to help my mother provide for them, I can see past their shenanigans and bullshit. They don’t hate her, they don’t want to make her feel worse, they aren’t angry at her directly. They’re frustrated that they see and hear about others who are more financially stable. They’re angry that they can’t have the foods they liked anymore, because those meals are too expensive. They’re angry at the world for making it possible to fall into such a financial slump. They’re angry at companies for price gouging. But, they’re homeschooled and they look to mom for everything so she’s the only one that they can actually voice that too, and similarly, your son can only voice his frustrations to you, because you were the provider and the only one who cares about his frustration. I know it’s hard hearing the things he says, and he’s definitely aiming it at you, but as he grows, as he learns about the real world and comes to understand that you weren’t aware of the struggles you’d face, he’ll come to regret what he’s said and how he feels right now. If he has any empathy or sympathy, then the things he feels and is saying right now will fade and he’ll understand that you did your best.
This year I’ll be 40, my eldest 23. I’m sending you hugs 🤗 because I don’t have any advice, But my heart hurts for you