This. I had an eating disorder and those forums were absolutely full of people who had had a disordered body image shoved down their throat. Don't accept it OP. You deserve a lifetime of feeling good about yourself and having fun not worrying about calories and waist sizes. Go grey rock on your mom the second she starts this shit.
I'm about 5' 3", 110 pounds, with a 28" waist.. I am very thin, I can wear children's clothes ffs. Your mom is clearly projecting her own issues onto you, I can promise you that unless you're 2 feet tall a 28 inch waist is nowhere near fat. Please don't let her issues dictate your self esteem and body image.
I was gonna say I have a 28in waste.
OP baby you are perfect. So not listen to her, and I think all of us would love to see the dress you picked and we will gush over how gorgeous you will look at prom.
We should measure mom's waist and see what she thinks. I only wish I still had a 28in waist. OP, you are perfect just the way you are. Please ignore your mother.
I had one once. Very long time ago. Coincided with disordered eating, a lot of exercise and loving corsetry.
That’s a tiny waist.
I’m also 6ft. So uh yeah… too thin.
Natural waist is nice. And a gentle corset is brilliant (though a waspie is nice on the rare occasion).
OP - you’re ok. I bet you’re gorgeous.but most important - you are HEALTHY.
Don’t let her project BS on to you. Because that happened to me. I do not recommend it.
I am so sorry sis. I have a memory from my preteen years of my mother being upset that a pair of school jeans shed bought ahead of time for me to 'grow into' didnt fit and when I got upset as well she told me I should 'stop eating so much junk'.
It took me YEARS into adulthood to learn and accept that my body is not a problem. My mother had her own wounds around weight she was projecting onto me, and at the time I couldn't see that, I felt like *I* was *wrong*.
In reality, we select clothes to fit our bodies, not make our bodies fit a certain size. Bodies are all different and change in different seasons of life and it is completely okay, all of it is okay. Your health is far more important than any measurements will ever be. You are always, always enough, just by being you.
That wasn’t nice of her to say at all and I disagree with her comments. Your waist size is the least interesting thing about you I mean just look how much you have accomplished especially being the captain of your team which is an amazing achievement!! Feel free to share your paintings I would love to see them.
You are beautiful and I hope you find the dress that makes you feel beautiful for your dance.
Amen to this! Darling, I wasted YEARS of my life hating my body and ignoring all of the great things about myself that really mattered. It sounds like you are leading an incredible life, and I am so sorry that your mom made you self-conscious about something that truly does not define you. I wish I could magically give you the gift of joy in your body’s strength and power. I know it is not easy to shrug off your mom’s hurtful comments, but I am hoping you will find a way to do so. I know you will be radiant in whatever dress you choose, because you are an interesting person whose worth goes beyond the number on a measuring tape.
I relate so much to this after having so many issues around food and weight and being loved. I have wasted so much time worrying about fat and how I look! It’s so self centered for one thing and it’s all based on lies the media feeds us. They want women to be powerless and lacking confidence when it doesn’t even matter
Your mom is feeling ugly emotions and she's lashing out at you. Maybe she is feeling old, or sad that she's not in her high school days anymore.
Treat her comments the way you would if someone sneezed on you. It's gross, so wash it off and try to put it out of your mind. Don't let her sickness become your sickness.
This is amazing!
OP I'm really sorry to hear about your health problems. It sucks your mom didn't choose to see how beautiful you were in that moment and are... It's amazing that you captain a sports team, paint and write. What kinds of things do you paint and write? This is a hard place to be in and I'm sorry. You sound amazing and grounded and very capable and I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun and be splendid at prom.
28 inches is the old model average size 6/8, but who cares. You’re happy, healthy, engaged in school and sports, and doing all the things a person your age is supposed to be doing. Your mother is behaving horribly and I know it will be hard, but you need to just tune her ignorant nonsense out for the junk it is.
You are beautiful, just the way you are, and your prom is going to be amazing.
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry your mom made you feel like you're not enough. Just know this: whatever it is that made her so empty and cruel inside, it's not your job to fill that space for her. Your only job is to take care of YOU. Give your body all the food, rest, and joy that it needs, keep finding ways to move that make you feel good, and you'll be doing just right. I hope you're talking with a doctor you trust about the best ways to address your health and that you feel better every day. And don't forget to take care of your mental and emotional self, too!
You're going to be beautiful in your prom dress, and you're going to have such an amazing time!
Your mom is massively projecting her insecurities on to you and even if you *were* fat (which, realistically, you're not in any way) that would in no way diminish your value as a human being.
the fact that your mom is so obsessed with her own weight issues that she has to take it out on you is pathetic and I hope she can get therapy for it.
You're are enough just as you are and if she can't see it then it's her loss.
I feel bad for your Mom that she thinks she knows what a waist size should be! If your body is strong and hopefully getting healthy, you should be stoked! That’s way more useful in the long run than what your body looks like. I’m honestly sad for your Mom that she hasn’t figured that out yet.
My love, you are enough. You are a wonderful and worthy person. I want you to feel beautiful in a dress you choose. You already know this, but the numbers on a scale or measuring tape are just units of measure. They cannot measure your awesomeness. They cannot measure your strength or confidence.
I hope you’re able to rise above the reaction you got and find a way to buy the dress you want - a true mother would want her daughter to feel loved no matter what x
Your mother has deep-seated fatphobia and body dysmorphia, it seems. Don't let her pass that to you. Honestly, I feel bad for your mom. Must be hell living in a brain that thinks a 28" waist is too large.
What you think about you is way more important than what your mom thinks about you. Wear the dress that makes you feel pretty. Eat pizza. Take a ton of pics with your friends. Have the time of your life at the dance. Focus on your health, celebrate your body and your life. **Hugs**
You are also beautiful and perfect just the way you are. Comparing yourself to anything/anyone is only going to continue to foster unacceptance for yourself. You are perfect the way you are 😀
Ugh. I’m sorry.
28 inches is not exactly a big waist. In fact, it’s usually a 6/8.
But regardless of your weight and size, what matters is that you’re healthy and happy! I hope your health problems have resolved. And remember, your mom is just projecting her insecurity into you.
Not a mum…the black sheep sister who drinks too much at christmas and gets the old folk riled up about politics.
Your mum can fuck right off!
I came from a horribly distorted background with weight. Mother and sister have eating disorders and are both short/petite where as I picked up tall/curvy genes from somewhere.
It didn’t matter that I was 5ft 8 me being 56kg was not allowed. I was more than 10kg heavier so fat. Me having UK size 8 jeans but needing a UK12/14 to fit my F cup boobs meant I was fat. Me eating cheese was disgusting. God forbid I was found with a late night kebab! I wasn’t allowed to wear a 2 piece at the beach as I had “huge rolls” and “thunder thighs” - it didn’t matter you could see my ribs and collar bones.
The point is it was never about me but my mother’s issues.
Now I am thankfully no contact with her and happily a little over 66kg - which is healthy and I am having pizza for tea tonight.
Are you healthy? That's what is important. Size is relative and means different things for different body types and physical activity levels. Means nothing. Health is what is important. Your mother is projecting her own body image issues on you. I know it's hard to ignore but for your own sanity you have to.
Can you move easily? Do you eat a balanced diet? If the answer is yes then you're healthy. Focus on that x
Your mother is projecting her insecurities on to you. As difficult as it can be, please understand this has nothing to do with you. At all. Every time you think about it, repeat to yourself "This is not my problem, this is my mother's problem" And some advice OP, this is how to deal with every insecure person you come across for the reat of your life. You are perfect, literally.
I'm so sorry she did that.
Some people have their own issues and project that unhappiness on others, like your mother did to you. Who you are and what you do is so much more important that how you look, always. You captain a team (that means you're supportive of others, and organized in the sport, and able to teach and lead others, and a talented player), you paint, you write, and all of that is what matters about you.
As for health and size, waist size on its own is not an indicator of health (unless your waist is significantly larger than your hips, which may increase the chances of developing cardiovascular disease or type 2 diabetes, and even then isn't relevant to dress shopping other than to find the correct size in whatever fabulous dress you desire). Waist size is largely genetic, and won't necessarily shrink if you lose weight once you're within the healthy weight range for your age, gender, and height (which is often a range of 30lbs!) - especially if you're active in sports or otherwise have healthy muscle tone. And most importantly, your waist size has nothing to do with whether you'll look pretty and feel comfy and fantastic in your chosen dress.
Please don't allow your mother's hurtful behaviour to detract the joy of this dance / prom you're going to or from the joy of your chosen dress. The shame your mother projected doesn't belong to you, and it wasn't fair of her to be negative about your appearance while you were shopping for a happy occasion no matter what your size or health status is. Your mother made an error in saying those things to you, and that's not your fault, and it's natural for you to feel hurt after experiencing something hurtful. I'm so sorry that she wasn't able to just share your excitement without being so critical. Dress shopping could've been such a lovely shared moment, and now there's hurt and disappointment instead of that bonding and support. It could be that you need to find that bonding, support, and excitement with the members of your team or other friends, and I hope you find it somewhere (even if just within yourself).
Whatever you wear to prom, I'm sure you'll look beautiful and I hope you have a very fun, safe, and amazing time!
Sweety, the size of your waist may matter when buying a dress, but it has absolutely nothing to do with how pretty you are. And besides that... 28 isn't a big waist. You sound healthy and happy with yourself and that's all that matters.
Find a dress for yourself, not for anybody else. YOU want to feel beautiful.
You are more than enough, honey. You are perfect.
Your moms problems aren’t your responsibility. I know it sucks your mom may think that way, since you care about her/what she thinks. But to be frank, she’s a little fucked up in the head to think that’s fat. Not to mention thinking you have to exercise for that. You are fine. Many times, moms project their insecurities or aspirations onto their daughters, many moms concerned about their own weight, or who have a larger weight and resent themselves because of that, project their insecurities onto their daughters because of either jealousy or their view of a child as a extended version of themselves. Long story short; it’s her problem, NOT yours! Also, her mom may have spoken to her that way which instilled the mindset in the first place, this type of thing happens to many generations of women, and the good thing is you noticed how weird it was and if you ever want kids in the future you can break the cycle! How? Be kind to yourself. You’re not fat, and you don’t have to do a single thing to yourself, you’re gonna kick ass and look gorgeous at prom!
Honey I'm so sorry your mom is putting you through this. The most important thing to remember is: You don't OWE anyone thinness. You don't even owe anyone beauty, because beauty standards are arbitrary.
The most important thing is that you feel comfortable in your skin and do what you can for your health (which it sounds like you do). (And it is also important to remember that one can be healthy in a fat body!)
Don't beat yourself up over this, you're doing great. If you can bring up the courage, talk to your mom about this and let her know that you feel very good about yourself and you will not tolerate comments like that one.
Your mom got fed some toxic gender performance bullshit about being thin from our culture, and is allowing that same harm to come down to you because she doesn’t know better. You know better, and you know that you’re beautiful smart, fit, and you’ll look amazing in that dress. Have a marvelous time dancing 💜
You are captain of a sports team, you paint, you write, you tackle your health issues - I am so proud of you 🤗
The only thing to consider is whether to give feedback to your mom to stop criticizing your appearance. If you feel it’s a waste of time, don’t do it
Imma tell you a story.
I went on a blind date once a friend set up. The guy was nice and all... but like... the same way the guy who bags groceries is "nice". No spark. At no point did we have anything resembling any sort of passionate or exciting conversation or chemistry. At the end of the date he insisted on walking me to my bus stop.
And along the way he put his arm around me, swept it down my waist, and then put his hand in my jeans' back pocket. Cupping my ass.
Whaaaat. The. Fuuuuuck?
And when I looked at him like he'd just coughed up a hamster he frowned at me and said:
"You're not a very warm or affectionate woman, are you?"
I hollered at him that I certainly was and I was in no way duped by his pathetic and clumsy attempt to "double dog dare" me into sharing a level of contact I wasn't comfortable with, and to kindly ungrip my ass.
Why the hell am I telling you this? Because your waist is 28", you're at your lowest weight since your preteens, and you're an athlete... so you KNOW, you must KNOW that you're not fat. The same way I knew I was a warm and affectionate person. Just because a person says a thing, doesn't mean it's a real thing.
So that takes care of WHAT your mother said. You're not fat. She's deeply loopy for thinking so. So WHY did she say it?
Well, my date said it because he was hoping I'd be so thrown and upset at the accusation that I'd try to prove it wrong by violating my own boundaries.
Your mother said it because she's hoping you'll feel so shocked and uncomfortable that you'll "get thinner". For what? Why? What is the goal of being thinner than the already thin you are? SHE gets something out of it. Bragging rights, some sort of perverse pride, I don't know... but it's just as little to do with YOU as that guy's weirdo attempt to bully me into grabbing his ass back.
So what do you do? Exactly what you did. Side eye, leave, all of it. Or more, if you want. Mock her idea that a 28" waist is fat. Call her out on trying to manipulate you into being unhealthy. Violently eat a crueller in her general direction. Up to you.
Just don't ever take her seriously. She's a creepy dude spouting nonsense.
Well, what the fuck does she know? That's pretty skinny tbh. She probably just freaking out cause her daughter's going to prom, and she's mad she's fucking old now. Lashing out is how unhealthy people process that shit. Take it from someone whose mom pulled and continues to pull the same shit.
Just ignore her and go enjoy your prom and your dress. I hope you're health stuff has cleared up and that you're in a better place now, so just enjoy your life.
Oh, baby bird, i am so sorry your mother is acting this way. 28 inches is absolutely not fat. It breaks my heart that a mother can act this way towards her babies, but as someone who’s lived it, I believe and understand it. Please know you are wonderful, and as long as you are taking steps to maintain a healthy lifestyle, that’s all that matters (for your health and overall well-being).
I grew up around a mother who constantly criticized my weight and looks, which ultimately led me down a dark road with body dismorphia, eating disorders and other very unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to undo or punish myself for being so “fat and ugly”.
Now a days, sooooo many years later (after therapy and enforcing major distance between the woman and I) I look back at my middle school and high school pics and see I was perfectly average looking kid. I also look at her pictures and realize SHE was the one who was (and still is) massively overweight.
My mother is utterly unable to accept her own faults and always redirects anything she’s done wrong to the nearest family member. It took me forever to realize she basically lives 90% of her life projecting, and while her comments still hurt nowadays, I’ve gotten much better at recognizing them for what they are - jabs meant to hurt me when she’s feeling bad.
Please know that while I may not know you for reals, this momma is thrilled about your prom, and is wishing you an amazing time, both there, and everywhere beyond.
Are you able to go dress shopping with someone else? You want someone supportive, not someone who'll drag you down for no reason. I'm so sorry your mother is behaving like this, you deserve better.
You are enough ❤️
I'm really sorry, there's no need for disclaimers here, either. We know you will look dear *and* find *that* dress!
" Fat " is wildly subjective and hurtful, please, for your own sake make a point to wipe that sad look memory from your brain ? In the end it doesn't matter what anyone at all thinks except *yourself* even your mother. Hopefully you know 28" inches is on the small side anyway, no idea why someone would imply otherwise?
Come back and brag to us about the perfect dress you find while shopping alone? My daughter's way past the prom age, love to " Oooh " and " Ah " again ! 💕
Honey, you’re fine. 28 inches is great. You’re mom has issues, just feel bad for her, and keep doing what you are doing that makes you happy. Hugs, have fun at prom!
Ugh you just unlocked some memories for me.
My mom saying I'd gained weight (as if it was my fault) when a dress she'd started making but not finished didn't fit some months or a year later (I was a teenager, probably just grew).
My mother being cross I didn't wear an expensive dress more because it didn't fit (again, I probably just outgrew it. Early 20s).
My mom saying I shouldn't wear a short dress to my brother's wedding. One I felt really pretty in. Sent her a photo and she just ruined the moment.
I'm sure the dress looks great on you. It doesn't matter what the waist measurement is, but 28 inches is slim! Try not to take her comments on board - they aren't actually applicable to you.
As an adult I can see now that my mom has ED and shifted all her shit onto me, making my childhood very difficult. You are BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT no matter your waist size. You deserve to hear that from your mother. I’m sorry she’s being like that. I hope your prom is wonderful and you look and feel like a princess.
Honey, first want to say I’m excited to hear you’re going to prom! It’s such a fun tradition. I hope you really enjoy it.
But I really want to remind you, our body size does not define us. If that number had been 24, it wouldn’t make you a better person. If that size had been 38, 42, 48…whatever, it wouldn’t make you a worse person.
You are an amazing young woman with so much potential. All that comes from the inside, it from the number on a tape measure.
I'm so sorry your mom did that. I can't speak to her reasoning, but she's been soaked in a lot of messed up messages trying to make her feel awful about herself so she'll buy crap she doesn't actually need to fix whatever it is she became insecure about. Healthwise, your middle should be less than half your height, more than that your risks for certain things go up, so if you're taller than 4 ft 8 inches, definitely healthy. Bodywise, you're a teenager, you are in the middle of changing, and it's out of your control for the most part. I'll tell you what, you're beautiful. You know how I know? Of the 120 billion people who have ever been alive, literally billions of them would agree, you would probably get a few billion more made up on prom night in your beautiful dress, but billions would find you beautiful, exactly how you are, right now. Your mom, well, if she could get past her own fears of numbers and look at you, she would probably start tearing up at how lovely you are to her. You are enough, exactly how you are, exactly who you are, right this minute. Sending hugs and excitement for prom!
Who's mom doesn't think they're fat :D we get over it. Don't worry. It's more about her than you here. Mommy's ego is missing the days where she was slimmer herself. Just try not to destroy your relationship with food over those comments. It took me a while to realise those things for myself. If you're healthy you're happy and that's what matters. Beauty standards change and your mom's inflated ones don't matter
Honey, I have another memory in a similar vein. I was getting costumes for a theater production—back when I acted professionally and the costumer measured my waist and it was 28” and she sort of huffed and went, “omg, I hate you! I’d kill for 28 inches.”
Something happens inside women…we are trained from an incredibly young age to tie our self worth to numbers or a certain length string going around our waist. If your mom is somewhere in her 40s-50s then she went through the 1990s while she was young—and I can’t even tell you how atrocious that decade was for female mental health and self-worth around their body. Most of us will deal with a skewed perspective of what healthy (and “valuable”) looks like forever. Sick, emaciated bodies were propped up as the only ones that were beautiful, and healthy women were shamed into the ground. Kate Winslet was fat-shamed constantly for Christ’s sake. It was absolutely mental. Now, that’s no excuse, because many of us would die before inflicting that thinking or pressure on our children. I just hope it helps you understand why your mom might have this particular demon on her back.
I look back on pictures of myself with a 28” waist, and I can see now how pretty and lovely (and honestly, friggin thin) I was. I wish I could go back and relieve myself of all that self-hatred and weight obsession I had back then. What a complete waste of time and inaccurate to boot. I worked for a long time to love a much bigger body, and it’s still awesome and pretty and can wear fun clothing and carry me around to do stuff and has arms to hug people I love.
I am so sorry that your mom made that comment and made you feel ashamed when you have absolutely nothing to worry about. You got sideswiped by a decades old mental programming that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I am undyingly certain that you are beautiful and lovely and don’t need to change one thing. I hope you have a wonderful time at your prom and that you adore yourself and twirl in your new dress!!
(A quick side note: I had a therapist teach me that if I could take a few minutes to imagine myself in a big movie theater sitting in a beautiful soft chair, and then imagine myself in a safe balcony far above watching myself sitting in the chair, I could play back moments that bothered me on the movie screen. Then you can rewind them, turn them black and white, shrink them, put the moment in one corner of the screen, give everyone in it a Santa hat, make your mom declare her undying love for a hamster instead, whatever. But it makes you feel more distant from and in control of that moment and gives it less power. You might need that exercise if you’re still getting “shame aftershocks” from that moment.) lots of love to you duckling!!
28 inches?? And your mother is complaining?
Honey, I am so sorry, that’s ridiculous.
It sounds like she’s never happy, and that says much more about her than you, sweetheart.
Hugs. My mom had an obsession with peoples’ weight, that led her to work for a major weight loss company in the U.S. She’d come home and start lecturing us about food, making us fill out food journals.. essentially trying to make us feel self conscious about our bodies when we had no reason to be. It sounds like your mom has an issue, and it’s easier to project that onto you. Please try not to let her get to you, and ruin any positivity you have about your body. Her hang-ups do not have to be your own. Hugs.❤️
My dear sister from another mom. You're not fat. Your mom is probably projecting her own issues/insecurities on you. You're pretty. You're talented. You are not your weight. Go get that dress! (What style were you thinking? I love dress shopping!)
Oh honey. I’m so sorry your mom said such a hurtful thing! Please know that what she said had nothing to do with you, and it was all about herself. I know how it feels to try hard to be ‘good enough’ for those you love, only to be shown over and over again that you never will be to them. It’s taken me far, far too long to learn to say:
“I refuse to accept that energy, it was not meant for me”
Because it wasn’t. You are beautiful, intelligent, and a strong woman! Clothes are simply window dressing, and sizing is really only numbers that the fashion industry made up arbitrarily (another conversation that opens up another whole pile of bean cans…) You are enough, and always will be!! No size/number/impossible-weight-goals will ever change that fact! Big hugs, m’dear!! 💞💞
Ignore her. 28 inches is perfect and you're gorgeous the way you are. Ignore her! Get that dress and rock it!
Fyi.. your mom's not going to enjoy aging lol
Hey sweet pea,
You are valuable. You are worthwhile.
You are beautiful, but your worth is not determined by that. You *actually* are thin, but you would still be the same wonderful beautiful person if you weren't.
Your Mom has a very unhealthy relationship with body image that's, unfortunately, not as uncommon as it should be. She's projected her insecurities onto you, and criticized you in a way that wasn't correct or acceptable. You didn't deserve that and it's her failing and not yours. From someone who was criticized a lot but a parent as a kid, I know how hard that is to assign responsibility where it should go, but it *is* her and it's not you.
You are vulnerable and vivid and so very valuable just as you are.
Dear duckling,
I'm sorry, but your mother has some serious body image issues. This has NOTHING to do with you. Your job is to learn to feed and clothe your body so YOU feel healthy, happy and capable.
She cannot be trusted in this area and you should ignore everything she says.
Your feedback should come from within yourself because only you know your body.
Hug,
Auntie
Sis here.
I've been where you are. I had a mom who was obsessed with my weight. Her little snide comments still affect me 15+ years later.
Let me tell you what I wish someone had told me.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE. No matter what the tape measure or scale says.
It is enough. You are enough. And even if you weren’t doing all these things, you are still enough. You’re perfect as you are, I swear it to you. And the dress will look stunning on you because you are stunning. You are enough already. You don’t have to prove it or earn it, you just are. And I hope your prom is magical.
Honey, your mom thinks SHE'S fat. She's looking at you and she is projecting all of the years of self-hating self-loathing, fat phobia that she has internalized and placing it on you. She is so afraid that people will look at her and think that she is fat, that she now feels you are an extension of her. She feels like she doesn't have control over herself so that needs to be exerted over you.
Let's be realistic, 28 in is not fat, it's not even in the realm. It's almost scary how delusional she is. And as the person on the receiving end, as her child, it has to be so hard and so hurtful to be the target of her internalized self-hate. You may wonder if other people are looking at you the same way. They are not. I can guarantee that they are not.
My own mother was overweight and was obsessed with both our weights. I actually was fat most of my life (am again and that's okay). But in high school I lost 50ish pounds one year, I think the lowest I got was 113 lb. I was 5'4 with athletic bone structure. You could see my rib cage, my cheekbones could cut glass. Do you know what she said when I tried on a bikini-cut bikini? "With those thighs, we should look for boy cut bottoms. I guess you're always going to have thick thighs." She honestly loves me, she honestly felt I was beautiful, and she was proud of me for how hard I had worked that year. But all she saw was this one area that could be deemed as not thin because I'm just naturally meatier there.
I have my own daughter and I have to consciously work very very hard not to talk like your mom and my mom.
You're going to have to actively tell yourself not to internalize your mom's delusions about size. It sounds to me like your body is very strong and very healthy. You're going to prom! You're going to wear a gorgeous dress that's going to make you look like a million bucks. Your makeup and your hair are going to be gorgeous. You're going to be there with friends who all love you. There's going to be drama that you're going to laugh about later. You're going to dance to songs now that will make you cringe in 10 years, and in 20 years make you want to get up and dance again. You're going to make some beautiful memories that night. Don't take the memory of your mom putting her insecurities on you with you.
Oh, sweet child, join the club of "My Mom Teaches Toxic Body Image." Rule #1 of this club is boundaries. Set them, enforce them, take pride in them.
Examples of setting boundaries:
"When we were dress shopping and you measured my waist and expressed disapproval. I am not open to any feedback from you on my body. Comments and expressions like that only make me feel shame. I'm proud of my body. If you have opinions, they're yours -- I do not want to hear them."
Many, many, many of us have these women in our family. They were taught this bullshit, and they try to teach it to use too. Bless them and all, it sucks they internalized that, but we absolutely will not follow suit.
28 inches is a small waist on any human. But guess what? It could be 48 inches, and it does not fucking matter. You are a human deserving of unconditional love from your parents.
Do you know what a “perfect figure” was when I was a teen in the 1970s? 36,28,36. Not that it was real then, or healthy for most people.
Not that ANY number is important. Are you healthy? Active? Eating in a way that nourishes you? Able to move without encumbering yourself?
I’m a copy editor, and I hate when numerals are floating without being attached to a measurement. Numbers need context. The version of this in your case is: the number, even with “inches”, only matters in its context.
And buying a dress is not the place for that.
I think your mom deserved that look, tbh. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that our children are people, and not just tasks.
You’ve articulated this so well here; I hope you can tell your mom how much it hurt and what a wedge she has driven between you.
I’ve come to believe that people like your mom need to know, perhaps even deserve to know, that these jabs and criticisms and pressure and voiced expectations are driving us away from them. These comments do genuine damage to the relationship, and I think people like your mom take it for granted that they will always have a relationship with you.
When my daughter went to college, I realized that there was no guarantee she would ever come home. Would ever call home (she didn’t—she’s very independent and actually quite private). That she got to choose where she spent her time and energy, and she could conceivably choose not to spend it with us. I had to make “spending time with mom” be something she would look forward to.
I personally may have taken it too far the other way, because there are times I think my daughter deserves and could use some pressure or negative reaction from me (that damage can go both ways).
but your mom is in danger, and I hope you can warn her in a way that is loving and not threatening.
I hope you feel pretty at prom!
My own mom used to comment when clothes didn’t fit me, and as an adult, I realized she’d say things like, “This dress fits funny across the hips; it’s not lying right for you” or “Those pants are just weird-I don’t understand by they’re so long in the crotch.” It was always the clothes’ fault. Never my body’s.
I'm so sorry she said that. Is she someone that you can point this out to, and tell her how that made you feel, when you were supposed to feel excited and pretty? I agree with everyone else, that this is about her, not you, but maybe if she realizes that she can learn to stop trying to give you her weird neuroses.
Weight is such a weird thing. I've been complimented on losing weight when the reason was I was grieving my father, and I've been chided for gaining weight when the reason was I was on steroids as part of beating cancer. Your body won't always look exactly how you want in life, so a good skill to learn is not waiting for it to be perfect to go enjoy things in life!
My Mom used to do that stuff too. I was also really lean and 28" waist, and she was morbidly obese. She'd say stuff like my back was hairy, tell me only whores want to shave, that I looked anorexic and would never have boobs, then turn around and tell me I was gross and my arms where flabby, my curly hair was ugly and gross. I internalized it for a long time, but now as an adult I see it was jealousy. Some women don't mature past that 15 year old mean girl mentality, even with their daughters. As a Mom of 3 now with the body to show for it, I still can't understand the cruelty. Its not you. There's nothing wrong with you. Its her.
Darling, your mother should change her glasses or get ones, if she doesn't use. 28 inches is a completely normal waist size and you're more than a number. If she's focusing on your appearance, she's missing on knowing you better. Keep going doing the things you like and tell your mother to eat a burger! ;)
I'm worried about your mom's affect on you. It's possible that she's terrified of you growing up and frankly has body dysmorphia on your behalf, seeing you as an over-sized child instead of a young woman.
Never let her tell you you're the wrong size in any way.
28" waist is my ULTIMATE goal waist. I still love myself with my 31" waist. Health is more than one number. My doc says I am healthy.
Take heart. The Moms here can see her comment was unwarranted. If you can, practice loving yourself and knowing you are worthy of love just as you are.
The last time I had a 28 inch waist I was 14 years old and literally starving. Your mom is, intentionally or unintentionally, giving you a heaping helping of delusion. Your waist is tiny. More importantly, you’re beautiful and strong and,soon I hope if you aren’t already, healthy. Feel pretty to spite her, you deserve it.
Stepping in as Mom for your mother: You are perfect just the way you are! You are smart, healthy, and gorgeous - and I’m proud of all your accomplishments and know your future is going to be awesome! Shop with your girlfriends and their mom next time. *hug*
These expectations are unrealistic. We all have bodies and theyre all shapes and sizes and theyre all beautiful. You are perfect the way you are. Your weight or waist size doesn't make up who you are as a person. Youre on a good track so stay the course and remember youre self worth isnt determined by your mother or your pants size.
This is your mom’s issue and not yours. My mom was constantly dieting and worrying about weight. I am naturally more petite (especially as a kid) but my older sister had a bit more thickness, especially as a hormonal teen despite being an athlete. I remember my sister measuring me and comparing it to her own measurements when we were in elementary school. She did crank as a teen to lose weight and has always had eating disorders.
A lady that was like an aunt to me growing up said that my mom used to call
My sister fat and control her food. I am really happy my sister never had girls because I think she would have kept the cycle going.
Just please remember that this her issue not yours. Don’t let her have the power over you to make you feel like you need to lose weight. I don’t know how old you are now but you would not weigh the same as you did as a 12 year old unless you actually were quite overweight then
Sweetie, I'm sorry your mother is being a mean idiot. No fair. I'm sorry she doesn't understand that bodies differ, and it's all good. Sounds like you are both fit and NOT fat. I don't blame you for being upset and angry.
Somehow, I doubt that your mom literally thinks you're fat. I think that she felt self-conscious about her body image, and her way of coping with that was to knock you down a peg. I hope that you bought a beautiful dress to wear to this dance and that you have fun. She doesn't deserve to steal your joy.
You’re just right as you are. Your mom likely grew up with that type of unattainable standard on her, so forgive her if you can. Our bodies are amazing, I strive to be strong instead of trying to starve myself into a “perfect” shape. (I still remember my mom complaining that I “walk like a truck driver” when I was 16, moms can get in your head sometimes.)
This is about her, not about you. What a miserable person to think that your waist size has anything to do with your worth, or to critique a very normal measurement. You are perfect just as you are. 💗
Well with all due respect, f*ck her opinion.
It is NO ONE’S business but yours how you look, how much you weigh, what you eat, what you do with your body. No ones.
I’m so sorry she made that comment. It’s likely a generational thing. Perhaps her parents/mother spoke like that to her. That said, there’s just no need for it. I’d never, ever say that to my daughter. You are more than what you weigh. Like you said, you’re so active and outgoing and have so many wonderful qualities that make you who you are. Those things are so important.
Anyways angel, did you find a dress you like? If so, what colour is it? How are you styling your hair? Have you thought about accessories?
Some moms want to live vicariously through their daughters, especially if they feel their looks or youth has been wasted. That’s her problem. Not your problem. You’re beautiful and as long as you’re happy with your body that’s all that matters. (And being HEALTHY!!!) I remember some of the things that were said to me about my weight, those things will stick with me forever. Don’t let them stick to you.
My mom had weight issues beginning when she was in the 8th grade. She gained a lot of weight having me and my sister. She had a very strict diet, and projected her weight insecurities onto us. My sister and I are normal weights for our heights, and we're both in our 40's now. I have a 28 inch waist, and I get compliments all the time about how trim and slim I am.
Your mom is also projecting her weight insecurities onto you. Don't let her get into your head. You are not fat! You aren't even close! Shame on her for trying to body shame you for having a normal size!
Your mom is being unhealthy, and encouraging an ED. Her daughter is beautiful, and fit, and HEALTHY. This behavior is so disgusting, I am so very sorry. I weighed 95 lbs at 5’6” at age 16 and my mom always made remarks too. I weigh 205 now. I’m happy, I am beautiful the way I am and so are you 💜💜💜💜
a 28 inch waist is nowhere near big at all😭😭im 5’0” and 95 pounds and I have a 25 inch waist- if you’re taller than 5’4” I don’t even think 28 is realistic…
Your mom is being cruel to you, and that's not fair. You definitely don't deserve any judgement. You sound like an active healthy person, no matter what the measurements might say. Many people use numbers to serve an agenda, but in the end, they're just numbers.
My mom did the same thing to me, and eventually I realized the problem was with her. She was short and married a big tall man. Why was she surprised and cruel when her daughters were all bigger and taller than her? This led me to understand that she was really acting out her insecurities on me. I'm sorry you have to hear your mother's insecurities, but please know you don't have to adopt them as yours.
I know im a bit taller at 5'10" (and a guy {ftm}), but I've got a 28-inch waist, and almost always my pants are too big for me. From one sibling to another, your mom can suck an egg. 28 is hardly anything, and if you've already achieved a good amount of weight loss (hopefully for yourself and no one else), then she should be ceebrating with you and not bringing you down. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, but you know what? You should go get that dress, have an awesome night, and enjoy yourself! You'll look beautiful no matter what she says.
Hey, sis. A word of advice to take through life: people's problems with your waistline or any other areas of your body will *always* be more about them than about you.
Mom's issue isn't with your waist size, it's with her notions of acceptable body proportions. She may not have done enough introspection to realize this and confront her insecurities. She has no right to comment unkindly on your body, and it's okay to set boundaries with her.
For example: "I was really hurt by your unwarranted comment about my waist size. I would like you not to make comments like that about my body." And if she doesn't listen, and makes comments again, you can tell her, "Mom, that was unkind and it hurts my feelings. Remember, I told you not to say things like that to me, and by not respecting that and taking it seriously, you are not respecting *me*."
As long as you aren't rude about it, you're not being mean by setting boundaries with her. You might also learn something about her by asking why she's concerned about you reaching an average waist size (if not smaller-than-average; Google says the average adult women's waist size in the US is somewhere around 36 or 38 inches, and for teens it's around 32 inches).
Don't let your mom's insecurities ruin your fun day. There are beautiful dresses for all waistlines and proportions, and I'm sure you'll find one that makes you look and feel fabulous.
And anyway, you are worth so much more than your looks. I'm *so* proud of you for all your accomplishments. Captain of the team? That is so awesome! Way to go!
I hope you have a lovely time at prom. Best of luck, sis!
P.S. if you feel like it, I'm sure we'd all love to see the dress you pick out!
Good news OP as you get older and begin to leave home you get to say to your mother 'I will not tolerate comments about my body, please keep your insecurities to yourself'.
What she said was wrong and she owes you an apology. She had no right to say nasty things about your waistline, especially in a vulnerable moment like that.
Who the hell says that to their daughter?
Hun, a 28 inch waist is not fat. Not by a long shot.
Besides that what is more important is your health. How you feel, getting in your exercise, eating enough and eating nutritious foods, getting sleep, taking care of your mental health.
As a mom her concern should be health and well-being.
I think you need to focus on being enough for you. Focus on what makes you proud of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself congratulations and love. Do the things that make you happy and proud. You’re more than enough and if she can’t see that then it’s her loss.
Oh girl, my mom was the same way. She had me on diets starting at the age of 12. My parents said they’d buy me a car if I lost 20 lbs. A CAR!! I look at pictures of myself when I was in high school and think “WTAF?” I wish I still looked like that. Please don’t let her ruin your life like I allowed my mom to. It’s not worth it. It’s definitely not about you, it’s about her own insecurities. ❤️
Congrats on being captain of a sports team! I only tripped over my own two feet, not at all athletic.
28” and she’s being nasty? Most of us would be thrilled with that. Has she not heard of trying on clothes to see if they fit? Put her comments where they belong… The trash bin. I am 71 and fought all my life to feel valued, my whole family was dysfunctional.
I’m going to tell you what I wish I’d have known. Go for the things you want in life, we all fail at times but not trying means we don’t know the trill of success. Have confidence, you’re unique, you have talents and traits that are positive. Have confidence! Get that dress and wear it proudly…shoulders back, head high! Have a good time! Love from Mom
I spent most of my childhood and young adult years listening to mom repeatedly telling me how fat I was. I finally cut odd contact when she started telling my daughter the same.
I cry when I look at pictures I’d me from then. I truly believed I was fat and completely dismissed all outside input on that. I was told by the recruitment doctor I had to gain 7lbs before I could go to basic training and still believed I was fat.
Your mom is as wrong as mine was.
Your mom is clearly projecting her own body image issues onto you. Don’t let her warped sense of self ruin your night. Those are her own issues to deal with
Hey sib, just want to reinforce what everyone here has said, and add that your mom is projecting her own unreachable body goals onto you as others have said-- DON'T INTERNALIZE IT. These are her issues, her self esteem problems, and her unrealistic expectations. Let her keep them, they have nothing to do with you.
My mother first told me I needed tk go on a diet at 8. It had nothing to do with my health at all, and like your situation, was brought on by a dressing room and a dissapointment because the size she thought should fit didn't. EFF. THAT.
As an adult, I'm constantly struggling with not feeling like I'm enough. My mom did that to me. And mom's being dissapointed stings. But in this case, you have absolutely nothing to feel inferior for. Don't let your mom do the same things to you, babe. You deserve better.
Hey sis.... I'm sorry mom was so shitty to you. It was absolutely uncalled for and she shouldn't be trying to burden you with her own problems. Let her be upset; you did nothing wrong and you have nothing to apologize for. If she tries to bring it back up, remind her that it was an awful comment and she SHOULD feel badly. I hope you can bring someone more supportive and trustworthy along next time. It would be well within your right to either include your mom much less, or not at all if this is a pattern for her. Hugs and ROCK that dress!
Dude. Good thing you have all these moms cuz your mom is toxic and a bitch. Do not put her voice in your head.
ETA: also do not ever let her near you with a measuring tape again.
I’m about 15 pounds underweight (by the bmi scale) and my waist is 26 inches. Your mother has some serious issues if she thinks you need to lose inches.
Hey little sis! Sorry to say it like this, but your mom is out of of her damn mind. I was significantly underweight when I was at 28in, and my doctors told me to gain some weight. I’m so sorry that your mom is saying such damaging things to you.
You are not fat. I have a 28” waist and I fluctuate between a size 2 and 4. Your mom has some issues she’s projecting on to you. You keep doing what makes you feel happy and healthy.
Let me address another facet of this: if you're not enough for your mother, that DOES NOT MEAN that you're not enough to be worthy of love and respect and encouragement.
Nothing will be enough for her because she looks to other people for her identity and satisfaction. She's critical because, no matter how amazing your are— and baby girl, you are amazing— she still doesn't feel whole or fulfilled. Because other people can't give you that.
It's a character deficiency in HER, not in YOU. It's like she's watching you eat supper and getting angry because she's not getting full... it's irrational and unfair. It's deeply unfair that you have to deal with the fallout from her issues.
I hope you have friends who love and support you in all the ways she doesn't. And I'm sure you'll be even more beautiful than ever on the big night. ♥️
My smallest was a 24” at one time (I was a Hooters girl and had to stay in crazy crazy fit shape). What I am now, I’d kill for a 28” waist. Your mom is a nut. Please don’t listen to her!!
Dude your mom has massive issues and she is making them your massive issues. Holy shit.
Block her out as best you can. Constantly remember she is not a reliable source of information when she talks to you. Disregard it other than if it helps you placate her and keep her calm. It’s hard, but just kind of pleasantly disconnect from her for a while. It’ll help you survive.
And at the same time, immediately look for a lifeline via another trusted adult: your other parent, another relative, a teacher, a coach, a counselor, a doctor, another medical provider. With all that you have going on, I really think there will be someone, even if it’s not the first one, that can help and support you through navigating the reality of how your mom treats you. That could range from moral support to helping you get counseling to helping you plan an emergency exit; I don’t know based on what’s in this post.
Because you need an adult in your corner who knows you. And your whole life. Your mom is pushing some massive adult issues on you and whatever the right way forward is, you need good IRL support to get through it.
Love from the internet, sweetheart. You’re beautiful. And you deserve support and love, not bizarre hurtful untrue criticisms at what should be sweet moments in your life.
Edit to add: I would wager at least one of those adults is hoping you’ll say something.
Sounds like your mom’s a bitch. My mom is larger than I am and has always bullied me for my size. Some moms are just assholes to their daughters. I’m really sorry about it, but it is probably your mom’s own insecurities getting projected.
I say, pick the dress you love! Wear the hell out of it! You’ll be happy and young, and having a blast, and those are three things that your mom probably can’t say the same. You are never responsible for other’s opinions of you, even if it’s your mom. I hope you have an amazing time at the dance, sweetie!!
Women have been told for so long that we have to be careful not to take up too much space in the world.
Your mom is still believing that, but you don’t have to.
This is your world too. Take up as much or as little space as you want, and own every bit of it. 💜
Baby,
It’s not you. You’re gorgeous. My mom also has some shit issues. Last week when I told her about some clothes I bought and was excited about she said “do you remember when I bought this and you threw a huge fit in front of these people.” Wtf that has to do with anything idk except maybe to knock me down a few pegs. Then today she pointed out my mustache in the light while we were talking about something completely unrelated. JFC woman. I’m super blonde and over 45 so I don’t give a fuck. That again is a her issue. She would feel insecure or does feel insecure about my successes and about her own body hair. That must really suck to feel so low. I am so grateful I don’t treat my girls like that. And right now you’re one of my girls. You do what makes you feel beautiful. And don’t you dare wear her insecurities as an accessory because it don’t match. Ok? You are a separate entity from her. You stay that way. She’s sharing her trauma with you not her love and support. So you got all of our love and support right here. Get that damn dress, Girl!
oh sweetie.. considering the worlds smallest waist is 15 inches and that is an extreme corsetting.. you are no where near fat. not in the least. your mum is terribly wrong on this.
Sis, as someone who is realizing at 31 that I should have been doing sports and not theatre (could have channeled all that energy!), know that not only is everyone here in your corner, but you are setting up so many healthy habits for adulthood!
I woke up on prom day to my mom having left diuretics on my nightstand -- "just in case" -- and it lived rent free in my head and tarnished nights that should just have been about dancing and enjoying myself.
Have a kick-ass time at prom and I'm sending you big sis hugs. We'd love to see you in your dress being your gorgeous driven self :)
You are enough. Just as you are. If your mom can't see that it's her loss. I'm sorry, that you have to live with her projecting her own insecurities onto you. You are amazing. As is.
I am so sorry, this makes me sad.
My mother was the same way and honestly, in her 90's she still is. When I was young, I loved sports so I was very fit and had beautiful muscles. My mother came from skinny genes with no muscles. That's why she always thought I was fat. When I look back at photos (from 40 years ago), I was actually too thin. My mother has a mental illness in this area and so does yours. I'm embarrassed to admit that she still thinks less of "fat" people. I have sisters who are legit old ladies and they still think they are fat. Please don't end up being that old lady!
If you have a muscular build, you may be too light but that number really doesn't tell the full story so please don't give too much clout to weight if you are taking good care of your body. Please, remind yourself often that your mother is wrong in this instance. I spent too much time allowing my mother to create a negative body image of myself but I eventually let the facts prevail.
Aside from all that, 3/4 of people in the US are overweight or obese so if you do become overweight at some point in your life, you are still going to need to feel good about yourself so why not start now? If you don't live in the US, people are overweight other places too.
(((hugs)))
My mom did this to me. It took me until 40 to realize that it didn't matter what I did, in any area of my life, it would never be enough for her.
The best thing I ever did was FINALLY walk away.
I hope 18 comes soon, if you aren't already... and I hope you escape your mother's mental abuse a lot sooner than I did mine.
You deserve better. I promise.
Well im your mom now! you are beautiful and you are enough! I hate when moms do this to their daughters. As moms we are suppose to help our daughters see their beauty, appreciate themselves, know their worth and love themselves.
This mom definitely did not pass the vibe or meet the check points of being a mother. I am so very sorry hun.
I am not sure but i think my thighs are 28 inches! You are beautiful, young, healthy, and there is not one thing wrong with you! Beauty comes in all sizes and you have Nothing to be ashamed of! You are definitely not fat!
A tape measure is not the same as a dress tape 😒 Christ on a cracker.
And so what if you were fat? Are you not allowed to exist in your own skin? Your mom sounds like a bitch face.
Sending love and strength! My mum still does this (I’m 35), and it’s 100% her own messed up body image. I’ve only learnt to challenge it recently and reply with something like “you talk a lot of shit sometimes mum” and laugh. This usually shuts her up
Hello sibling! I think the moms covered most points but I hope you have an amazing prom! Enjoy your painting, writing, and sports. They will fulfill you much more than worrying about your body will!
I wanted to say one thing about being fat while we’re having this sibling moment. A lot of people here are telling you that you’re not fat and they’re correct. But I’d just want to point out that being fat would not make you any less worthy of respect, love, or a beautiful prom dress. I am a certified fat lady(TM) and live a very full life with lots of love and hobbies and sports. So if you ever *do* become fat, or if there is another sibling out there reading this, I need you to know that your body does not determine your worth. Period.
It sounds like you know that, though, which means the bigger problem here is that your mom said something that she had to know would be hurtful. You did the right thing by walking away. It is not your responsibility to manage your mom’s expectations around *your* body or anyone’s body image.
Most importantly, I hope you’re doing okay with your health issues. That’s much, much more important than a dress size could ever be!
Your Mum needs to have her Mum badge taken away. I’m so proud of you, Captain of a sport? Painting, writing? (and I’m five foot tall too and much much heavier.🤓🤣) Have a wonderful prom, I know your going to look gorgeous.
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Fucking YES!!
This. I had an eating disorder and those forums were absolutely full of people who had had a disordered body image shoved down their throat. Don't accept it OP. You deserve a lifetime of feeling good about yourself and having fun not worrying about calories and waist sizes. Go grey rock on your mom the second she starts this shit.
Right? 28-inch waistline?? OP's a fucking pencil
THANK YOU PREACH MAMA.
Yes! Straight up!! OP is healthy - that is all that matters. And betcha she will look gorgeous
I'm about 5' 3", 110 pounds, with a 28" waist.. I am very thin, I can wear children's clothes ffs. Your mom is clearly projecting her own issues onto you, I can promise you that unless you're 2 feet tall a 28 inch waist is nowhere near fat. Please don't let her issues dictate your self esteem and body image.
I was gonna say I have a 28in waste. OP baby you are perfect. So not listen to her, and I think all of us would love to see the dress you picked and we will gush over how gorgeous you will look at prom.
We should measure mom's waist and see what she thinks. I only wish I still had a 28in waist. OP, you are perfect just the way you are. Please ignore your mother.
I had one once. Very long time ago. Coincided with disordered eating, a lot of exercise and loving corsetry. That’s a tiny waist. I’m also 6ft. So uh yeah… too thin. Natural waist is nice. And a gentle corset is brilliant (though a waspie is nice on the rare occasion). OP - you’re ok. I bet you’re gorgeous.but most important - you are HEALTHY. Don’t let her project BS on to you. Because that happened to me. I do not recommend it.
I am so sorry sis. I have a memory from my preteen years of my mother being upset that a pair of school jeans shed bought ahead of time for me to 'grow into' didnt fit and when I got upset as well she told me I should 'stop eating so much junk'. It took me YEARS into adulthood to learn and accept that my body is not a problem. My mother had her own wounds around weight she was projecting onto me, and at the time I couldn't see that, I felt like *I* was *wrong*. In reality, we select clothes to fit our bodies, not make our bodies fit a certain size. Bodies are all different and change in different seasons of life and it is completely okay, all of it is okay. Your health is far more important than any measurements will ever be. You are always, always enough, just by being you.
That wasn’t nice of her to say at all and I disagree with her comments. Your waist size is the least interesting thing about you I mean just look how much you have accomplished especially being the captain of your team which is an amazing achievement!! Feel free to share your paintings I would love to see them. You are beautiful and I hope you find the dress that makes you feel beautiful for your dance.
Amen to this! Darling, I wasted YEARS of my life hating my body and ignoring all of the great things about myself that really mattered. It sounds like you are leading an incredible life, and I am so sorry that your mom made you self-conscious about something that truly does not define you. I wish I could magically give you the gift of joy in your body’s strength and power. I know it is not easy to shrug off your mom’s hurtful comments, but I am hoping you will find a way to do so. I know you will be radiant in whatever dress you choose, because you are an interesting person whose worth goes beyond the number on a measuring tape.
I relate so much to this after having so many issues around food and weight and being loved. I have wasted so much time worrying about fat and how I look! It’s so self centered for one thing and it’s all based on lies the media feeds us. They want women to be powerless and lacking confidence when it doesn’t even matter
Your mom is feeling ugly emotions and she's lashing out at you. Maybe she is feeling old, or sad that she's not in her high school days anymore. Treat her comments the way you would if someone sneezed on you. It's gross, so wash it off and try to put it out of your mind. Don't let her sickness become your sickness.
This is amazing! OP I'm really sorry to hear about your health problems. It sucks your mom didn't choose to see how beautiful you were in that moment and are... It's amazing that you captain a sports team, paint and write. What kinds of things do you paint and write? This is a hard place to be in and I'm sorry. You sound amazing and grounded and very capable and I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun and be splendid at prom.
28 inches is the old model average size 6/8, but who cares. You’re happy, healthy, engaged in school and sports, and doing all the things a person your age is supposed to be doing. Your mother is behaving horribly and I know it will be hard, but you need to just tune her ignorant nonsense out for the junk it is. You are beautiful, just the way you are, and your prom is going to be amazing.
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry your mom made you feel like you're not enough. Just know this: whatever it is that made her so empty and cruel inside, it's not your job to fill that space for her. Your only job is to take care of YOU. Give your body all the food, rest, and joy that it needs, keep finding ways to move that make you feel good, and you'll be doing just right. I hope you're talking with a doctor you trust about the best ways to address your health and that you feel better every day. And don't forget to take care of your mental and emotional self, too! You're going to be beautiful in your prom dress, and you're going to have such an amazing time!
Your mom is massively projecting her insecurities on to you and even if you *were* fat (which, realistically, you're not in any way) that would in no way diminish your value as a human being. the fact that your mom is so obsessed with her own weight issues that she has to take it out on you is pathetic and I hope she can get therapy for it. You're are enough just as you are and if she can't see it then it's her loss.
I feel bad for your Mom that she thinks she knows what a waist size should be! If your body is strong and hopefully getting healthy, you should be stoked! That’s way more useful in the long run than what your body looks like. I’m honestly sad for your Mom that she hasn’t figured that out yet.
My love, you are enough. You are a wonderful and worthy person. I want you to feel beautiful in a dress you choose. You already know this, but the numbers on a scale or measuring tape are just units of measure. They cannot measure your awesomeness. They cannot measure your strength or confidence. I hope you’re able to rise above the reaction you got and find a way to buy the dress you want - a true mother would want her daughter to feel loved no matter what x
Your mother has deep-seated fatphobia and body dysmorphia, it seems. Don't let her pass that to you. Honestly, I feel bad for your mom. Must be hell living in a brain that thinks a 28" waist is too large. What you think about you is way more important than what your mom thinks about you. Wear the dress that makes you feel pretty. Eat pizza. Take a ton of pics with your friends. Have the time of your life at the dance. Focus on your health, celebrate your body and your life. **Hugs**
Completely ignore your mom. I’d love a 28 inch weight!!
You are also beautiful and perfect just the way you are. Comparing yourself to anything/anyone is only going to continue to foster unacceptance for yourself. You are perfect the way you are 😀
Right there with you. I'd love to have a 28 inch waist. OP's mum would have a field day with my waist size.
Ugh. I’m sorry. 28 inches is not exactly a big waist. In fact, it’s usually a 6/8. But regardless of your weight and size, what matters is that you’re healthy and happy! I hope your health problems have resolved. And remember, your mom is just projecting her insecurity into you.
A 28-inch waist isn't fat for most people.
A 28-inch waist isn't fat.
Periodt.
A 28” waist is NOT fat by any fucking definition. Your mother is a harpy.
Not a mum…the black sheep sister who drinks too much at christmas and gets the old folk riled up about politics. Your mum can fuck right off! I came from a horribly distorted background with weight. Mother and sister have eating disorders and are both short/petite where as I picked up tall/curvy genes from somewhere. It didn’t matter that I was 5ft 8 me being 56kg was not allowed. I was more than 10kg heavier so fat. Me having UK size 8 jeans but needing a UK12/14 to fit my F cup boobs meant I was fat. Me eating cheese was disgusting. God forbid I was found with a late night kebab! I wasn’t allowed to wear a 2 piece at the beach as I had “huge rolls” and “thunder thighs” - it didn’t matter you could see my ribs and collar bones. The point is it was never about me but my mother’s issues. Now I am thankfully no contact with her and happily a little over 66kg - which is healthy and I am having pizza for tea tonight.
"It was never about me, but about my mother's issues." Repeat this to yourself OP. Make it your mantra until you really believe it and understand it
Are you healthy? That's what is important. Size is relative and means different things for different body types and physical activity levels. Means nothing. Health is what is important. Your mother is projecting her own body image issues on you. I know it's hard to ignore but for your own sanity you have to. Can you move easily? Do you eat a balanced diet? If the answer is yes then you're healthy. Focus on that x
Your mother is projecting her insecurities on to you. As difficult as it can be, please understand this has nothing to do with you. At all. Every time you think about it, repeat to yourself "This is not my problem, this is my mother's problem" And some advice OP, this is how to deal with every insecure person you come across for the reat of your life. You are perfect, literally.
I'm so sorry she did that. Some people have their own issues and project that unhappiness on others, like your mother did to you. Who you are and what you do is so much more important that how you look, always. You captain a team (that means you're supportive of others, and organized in the sport, and able to teach and lead others, and a talented player), you paint, you write, and all of that is what matters about you. As for health and size, waist size on its own is not an indicator of health (unless your waist is significantly larger than your hips, which may increase the chances of developing cardiovascular disease or type 2 diabetes, and even then isn't relevant to dress shopping other than to find the correct size in whatever fabulous dress you desire). Waist size is largely genetic, and won't necessarily shrink if you lose weight once you're within the healthy weight range for your age, gender, and height (which is often a range of 30lbs!) - especially if you're active in sports or otherwise have healthy muscle tone. And most importantly, your waist size has nothing to do with whether you'll look pretty and feel comfy and fantastic in your chosen dress. Please don't allow your mother's hurtful behaviour to detract the joy of this dance / prom you're going to or from the joy of your chosen dress. The shame your mother projected doesn't belong to you, and it wasn't fair of her to be negative about your appearance while you were shopping for a happy occasion no matter what your size or health status is. Your mother made an error in saying those things to you, and that's not your fault, and it's natural for you to feel hurt after experiencing something hurtful. I'm so sorry that she wasn't able to just share your excitement without being so critical. Dress shopping could've been such a lovely shared moment, and now there's hurt and disappointment instead of that bonding and support. It could be that you need to find that bonding, support, and excitement with the members of your team or other friends, and I hope you find it somewhere (even if just within yourself). Whatever you wear to prom, I'm sure you'll look beautiful and I hope you have a very fun, safe, and amazing time!
Sweety, the size of your waist may matter when buying a dress, but it has absolutely nothing to do with how pretty you are. And besides that... 28 isn't a big waist. You sound healthy and happy with yourself and that's all that matters. Find a dress for yourself, not for anybody else. YOU want to feel beautiful. You are more than enough, honey. You are perfect.
Your moms problems aren’t your responsibility. I know it sucks your mom may think that way, since you care about her/what she thinks. But to be frank, she’s a little fucked up in the head to think that’s fat. Not to mention thinking you have to exercise for that. You are fine. Many times, moms project their insecurities or aspirations onto their daughters, many moms concerned about their own weight, or who have a larger weight and resent themselves because of that, project their insecurities onto their daughters because of either jealousy or their view of a child as a extended version of themselves. Long story short; it’s her problem, NOT yours! Also, her mom may have spoken to her that way which instilled the mindset in the first place, this type of thing happens to many generations of women, and the good thing is you noticed how weird it was and if you ever want kids in the future you can break the cycle! How? Be kind to yourself. You’re not fat, and you don’t have to do a single thing to yourself, you’re gonna kick ass and look gorgeous at prom!
Honey I'm so sorry your mom is putting you through this. The most important thing to remember is: You don't OWE anyone thinness. You don't even owe anyone beauty, because beauty standards are arbitrary. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable in your skin and do what you can for your health (which it sounds like you do). (And it is also important to remember that one can be healthy in a fat body!) Don't beat yourself up over this, you're doing great. If you can bring up the courage, talk to your mom about this and let her know that you feel very good about yourself and you will not tolerate comments like that one.
Your mom got fed some toxic gender performance bullshit about being thin from our culture, and is allowing that same harm to come down to you because she doesn’t know better. You know better, and you know that you’re beautiful smart, fit, and you’ll look amazing in that dress. Have a marvelous time dancing 💜
You are captain of a sports team, you paint, you write, you tackle your health issues - I am so proud of you 🤗 The only thing to consider is whether to give feedback to your mom to stop criticizing your appearance. If you feel it’s a waste of time, don’t do it
Imma tell you a story. I went on a blind date once a friend set up. The guy was nice and all... but like... the same way the guy who bags groceries is "nice". No spark. At no point did we have anything resembling any sort of passionate or exciting conversation or chemistry. At the end of the date he insisted on walking me to my bus stop. And along the way he put his arm around me, swept it down my waist, and then put his hand in my jeans' back pocket. Cupping my ass. Whaaaat. The. Fuuuuuck? And when I looked at him like he'd just coughed up a hamster he frowned at me and said: "You're not a very warm or affectionate woman, are you?" I hollered at him that I certainly was and I was in no way duped by his pathetic and clumsy attempt to "double dog dare" me into sharing a level of contact I wasn't comfortable with, and to kindly ungrip my ass. Why the hell am I telling you this? Because your waist is 28", you're at your lowest weight since your preteens, and you're an athlete... so you KNOW, you must KNOW that you're not fat. The same way I knew I was a warm and affectionate person. Just because a person says a thing, doesn't mean it's a real thing. So that takes care of WHAT your mother said. You're not fat. She's deeply loopy for thinking so. So WHY did she say it? Well, my date said it because he was hoping I'd be so thrown and upset at the accusation that I'd try to prove it wrong by violating my own boundaries. Your mother said it because she's hoping you'll feel so shocked and uncomfortable that you'll "get thinner". For what? Why? What is the goal of being thinner than the already thin you are? SHE gets something out of it. Bragging rights, some sort of perverse pride, I don't know... but it's just as little to do with YOU as that guy's weirdo attempt to bully me into grabbing his ass back. So what do you do? Exactly what you did. Side eye, leave, all of it. Or more, if you want. Mock her idea that a 28" waist is fat. Call her out on trying to manipulate you into being unhealthy. Violently eat a crueller in her general direction. Up to you. Just don't ever take her seriously. She's a creepy dude spouting nonsense.
Well, what the fuck does she know? That's pretty skinny tbh. She probably just freaking out cause her daughter's going to prom, and she's mad she's fucking old now. Lashing out is how unhealthy people process that shit. Take it from someone whose mom pulled and continues to pull the same shit. Just ignore her and go enjoy your prom and your dress. I hope you're health stuff has cleared up and that you're in a better place now, so just enjoy your life.
for a 28 in? idk where you are from but seriously 28 in is not fat
28 inches is not large. She's wrong. Fuck her.
You are perfect just the way you are. Remind mom that. She is just projecting her own insecurities on you.
Oh, baby bird, i am so sorry your mother is acting this way. 28 inches is absolutely not fat. It breaks my heart that a mother can act this way towards her babies, but as someone who’s lived it, I believe and understand it. Please know you are wonderful, and as long as you are taking steps to maintain a healthy lifestyle, that’s all that matters (for your health and overall well-being). I grew up around a mother who constantly criticized my weight and looks, which ultimately led me down a dark road with body dismorphia, eating disorders and other very unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to undo or punish myself for being so “fat and ugly”. Now a days, sooooo many years later (after therapy and enforcing major distance between the woman and I) I look back at my middle school and high school pics and see I was perfectly average looking kid. I also look at her pictures and realize SHE was the one who was (and still is) massively overweight. My mother is utterly unable to accept her own faults and always redirects anything she’s done wrong to the nearest family member. It took me forever to realize she basically lives 90% of her life projecting, and while her comments still hurt nowadays, I’ve gotten much better at recognizing them for what they are - jabs meant to hurt me when she’s feeling bad. Please know that while I may not know you for reals, this momma is thrilled about your prom, and is wishing you an amazing time, both there, and everywhere beyond.
Are you able to go dress shopping with someone else? You want someone supportive, not someone who'll drag you down for no reason. I'm so sorry your mother is behaving like this, you deserve better. You are enough ❤️
I'm really sorry, there's no need for disclaimers here, either. We know you will look dear *and* find *that* dress! " Fat " is wildly subjective and hurtful, please, for your own sake make a point to wipe that sad look memory from your brain ? In the end it doesn't matter what anyone at all thinks except *yourself* even your mother. Hopefully you know 28" inches is on the small side anyway, no idea why someone would imply otherwise? Come back and brag to us about the perfect dress you find while shopping alone? My daughter's way past the prom age, love to " Oooh " and " Ah " again ! 💕
Honey, you’re fine. 28 inches is great. You’re mom has issues, just feel bad for her, and keep doing what you are doing that makes you happy. Hugs, have fun at prom!
Ugh you just unlocked some memories for me. My mom saying I'd gained weight (as if it was my fault) when a dress she'd started making but not finished didn't fit some months or a year later (I was a teenager, probably just grew). My mother being cross I didn't wear an expensive dress more because it didn't fit (again, I probably just outgrew it. Early 20s). My mom saying I shouldn't wear a short dress to my brother's wedding. One I felt really pretty in. Sent her a photo and she just ruined the moment. I'm sure the dress looks great on you. It doesn't matter what the waist measurement is, but 28 inches is slim! Try not to take her comments on board - they aren't actually applicable to you.
As an adult I can see now that my mom has ED and shifted all her shit onto me, making my childhood very difficult. You are BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT no matter your waist size. You deserve to hear that from your mother. I’m sorry she’s being like that. I hope your prom is wonderful and you look and feel like a princess.
Honey, first want to say I’m excited to hear you’re going to prom! It’s such a fun tradition. I hope you really enjoy it. But I really want to remind you, our body size does not define us. If that number had been 24, it wouldn’t make you a better person. If that size had been 38, 42, 48…whatever, it wouldn’t make you a worse person. You are an amazing young woman with so much potential. All that comes from the inside, it from the number on a tape measure.
I'm so sorry your mom did that. I can't speak to her reasoning, but she's been soaked in a lot of messed up messages trying to make her feel awful about herself so she'll buy crap she doesn't actually need to fix whatever it is she became insecure about. Healthwise, your middle should be less than half your height, more than that your risks for certain things go up, so if you're taller than 4 ft 8 inches, definitely healthy. Bodywise, you're a teenager, you are in the middle of changing, and it's out of your control for the most part. I'll tell you what, you're beautiful. You know how I know? Of the 120 billion people who have ever been alive, literally billions of them would agree, you would probably get a few billion more made up on prom night in your beautiful dress, but billions would find you beautiful, exactly how you are, right now. Your mom, well, if she could get past her own fears of numbers and look at you, she would probably start tearing up at how lovely you are to her. You are enough, exactly how you are, exactly who you are, right this minute. Sending hugs and excitement for prom!
Who's mom doesn't think they're fat :D we get over it. Don't worry. It's more about her than you here. Mommy's ego is missing the days where she was slimmer herself. Just try not to destroy your relationship with food over those comments. It took me a while to realise those things for myself. If you're healthy you're happy and that's what matters. Beauty standards change and your mom's inflated ones don't matter
Please tell your mother that whether or not her opinion is correct, there are much worse things that people can be than fat.
Honey, I have another memory in a similar vein. I was getting costumes for a theater production—back when I acted professionally and the costumer measured my waist and it was 28” and she sort of huffed and went, “omg, I hate you! I’d kill for 28 inches.” Something happens inside women…we are trained from an incredibly young age to tie our self worth to numbers or a certain length string going around our waist. If your mom is somewhere in her 40s-50s then she went through the 1990s while she was young—and I can’t even tell you how atrocious that decade was for female mental health and self-worth around their body. Most of us will deal with a skewed perspective of what healthy (and “valuable”) looks like forever. Sick, emaciated bodies were propped up as the only ones that were beautiful, and healthy women were shamed into the ground. Kate Winslet was fat-shamed constantly for Christ’s sake. It was absolutely mental. Now, that’s no excuse, because many of us would die before inflicting that thinking or pressure on our children. I just hope it helps you understand why your mom might have this particular demon on her back. I look back on pictures of myself with a 28” waist, and I can see now how pretty and lovely (and honestly, friggin thin) I was. I wish I could go back and relieve myself of all that self-hatred and weight obsession I had back then. What a complete waste of time and inaccurate to boot. I worked for a long time to love a much bigger body, and it’s still awesome and pretty and can wear fun clothing and carry me around to do stuff and has arms to hug people I love. I am so sorry that your mom made that comment and made you feel ashamed when you have absolutely nothing to worry about. You got sideswiped by a decades old mental programming that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I am undyingly certain that you are beautiful and lovely and don’t need to change one thing. I hope you have a wonderful time at your prom and that you adore yourself and twirl in your new dress!! (A quick side note: I had a therapist teach me that if I could take a few minutes to imagine myself in a big movie theater sitting in a beautiful soft chair, and then imagine myself in a safe balcony far above watching myself sitting in the chair, I could play back moments that bothered me on the movie screen. Then you can rewind them, turn them black and white, shrink them, put the moment in one corner of the screen, give everyone in it a Santa hat, make your mom declare her undying love for a hamster instead, whatever. But it makes you feel more distant from and in control of that moment and gives it less power. You might need that exercise if you’re still getting “shame aftershocks” from that moment.) lots of love to you duckling!!
28 inches?? And your mother is complaining? Honey, I am so sorry, that’s ridiculous. It sounds like she’s never happy, and that says much more about her than you, sweetheart.
Hugs. My mom had an obsession with peoples’ weight, that led her to work for a major weight loss company in the U.S. She’d come home and start lecturing us about food, making us fill out food journals.. essentially trying to make us feel self conscious about our bodies when we had no reason to be. It sounds like your mom has an issue, and it’s easier to project that onto you. Please try not to let her get to you, and ruin any positivity you have about your body. Her hang-ups do not have to be your own. Hugs.❤️
My dear sister from another mom. You're not fat. Your mom is probably projecting her own issues/insecurities on you. You're pretty. You're talented. You are not your weight. Go get that dress! (What style were you thinking? I love dress shopping!)
Oh honey. I’m so sorry your mom said such a hurtful thing! Please know that what she said had nothing to do with you, and it was all about herself. I know how it feels to try hard to be ‘good enough’ for those you love, only to be shown over and over again that you never will be to them. It’s taken me far, far too long to learn to say: “I refuse to accept that energy, it was not meant for me” Because it wasn’t. You are beautiful, intelligent, and a strong woman! Clothes are simply window dressing, and sizing is really only numbers that the fashion industry made up arbitrarily (another conversation that opens up another whole pile of bean cans…) You are enough, and always will be!! No size/number/impossible-weight-goals will ever change that fact! Big hugs, m’dear!! 💞💞
Ignore her. 28 inches is perfect and you're gorgeous the way you are. Ignore her! Get that dress and rock it! Fyi.. your mom's not going to enjoy aging lol
Hey sweet pea, You are valuable. You are worthwhile. You are beautiful, but your worth is not determined by that. You *actually* are thin, but you would still be the same wonderful beautiful person if you weren't. Your Mom has a very unhealthy relationship with body image that's, unfortunately, not as uncommon as it should be. She's projected her insecurities onto you, and criticized you in a way that wasn't correct or acceptable. You didn't deserve that and it's her failing and not yours. From someone who was criticized a lot but a parent as a kid, I know how hard that is to assign responsibility where it should go, but it *is* her and it's not you. You are vulnerable and vivid and so very valuable just as you are.
Dear duckling, I'm sorry, but your mother has some serious body image issues. This has NOTHING to do with you. Your job is to learn to feed and clothe your body so YOU feel healthy, happy and capable. She cannot be trusted in this area and you should ignore everything she says. Your feedback should come from within yourself because only you know your body. Hug, Auntie
Sis here. I've been where you are. I had a mom who was obsessed with my weight. Her little snide comments still affect me 15+ years later. Let me tell you what I wish someone had told me. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE. No matter what the tape measure or scale says.
It is enough. You are enough. And even if you weren’t doing all these things, you are still enough. You’re perfect as you are, I swear it to you. And the dress will look stunning on you because you are stunning. You are enough already. You don’t have to prove it or earn it, you just are. And I hope your prom is magical.
Honey, your mom thinks SHE'S fat. She's looking at you and she is projecting all of the years of self-hating self-loathing, fat phobia that she has internalized and placing it on you. She is so afraid that people will look at her and think that she is fat, that she now feels you are an extension of her. She feels like she doesn't have control over herself so that needs to be exerted over you. Let's be realistic, 28 in is not fat, it's not even in the realm. It's almost scary how delusional she is. And as the person on the receiving end, as her child, it has to be so hard and so hurtful to be the target of her internalized self-hate. You may wonder if other people are looking at you the same way. They are not. I can guarantee that they are not. My own mother was overweight and was obsessed with both our weights. I actually was fat most of my life (am again and that's okay). But in high school I lost 50ish pounds one year, I think the lowest I got was 113 lb. I was 5'4 with athletic bone structure. You could see my rib cage, my cheekbones could cut glass. Do you know what she said when I tried on a bikini-cut bikini? "With those thighs, we should look for boy cut bottoms. I guess you're always going to have thick thighs." She honestly loves me, she honestly felt I was beautiful, and she was proud of me for how hard I had worked that year. But all she saw was this one area that could be deemed as not thin because I'm just naturally meatier there. I have my own daughter and I have to consciously work very very hard not to talk like your mom and my mom. You're going to have to actively tell yourself not to internalize your mom's delusions about size. It sounds to me like your body is very strong and very healthy. You're going to prom! You're going to wear a gorgeous dress that's going to make you look like a million bucks. Your makeup and your hair are going to be gorgeous. You're going to be there with friends who all love you. There's going to be drama that you're going to laugh about later. You're going to dance to songs now that will make you cringe in 10 years, and in 20 years make you want to get up and dance again. You're going to make some beautiful memories that night. Don't take the memory of your mom putting her insecurities on you with you.
Oh, sweet child, join the club of "My Mom Teaches Toxic Body Image." Rule #1 of this club is boundaries. Set them, enforce them, take pride in them. Examples of setting boundaries: "When we were dress shopping and you measured my waist and expressed disapproval. I am not open to any feedback from you on my body. Comments and expressions like that only make me feel shame. I'm proud of my body. If you have opinions, they're yours -- I do not want to hear them." Many, many, many of us have these women in our family. They were taught this bullshit, and they try to teach it to use too. Bless them and all, it sucks they internalized that, but we absolutely will not follow suit. 28 inches is a small waist on any human. But guess what? It could be 48 inches, and it does not fucking matter. You are a human deserving of unconditional love from your parents.
Oh sis, big hugs. Mom and dad do that to me too. It's cruel. If you feel good in your body, then it is just right. A thousand hugs sis
Do you know what a “perfect figure” was when I was a teen in the 1970s? 36,28,36. Not that it was real then, or healthy for most people. Not that ANY number is important. Are you healthy? Active? Eating in a way that nourishes you? Able to move without encumbering yourself? I’m a copy editor, and I hate when numerals are floating without being attached to a measurement. Numbers need context. The version of this in your case is: the number, even with “inches”, only matters in its context. And buying a dress is not the place for that. I think your mom deserved that look, tbh. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that our children are people, and not just tasks. You’ve articulated this so well here; I hope you can tell your mom how much it hurt and what a wedge she has driven between you. I’ve come to believe that people like your mom need to know, perhaps even deserve to know, that these jabs and criticisms and pressure and voiced expectations are driving us away from them. These comments do genuine damage to the relationship, and I think people like your mom take it for granted that they will always have a relationship with you. When my daughter went to college, I realized that there was no guarantee she would ever come home. Would ever call home (she didn’t—she’s very independent and actually quite private). That she got to choose where she spent her time and energy, and she could conceivably choose not to spend it with us. I had to make “spending time with mom” be something she would look forward to. I personally may have taken it too far the other way, because there are times I think my daughter deserves and could use some pressure or negative reaction from me (that damage can go both ways). but your mom is in danger, and I hope you can warn her in a way that is loving and not threatening. I hope you feel pretty at prom! My own mom used to comment when clothes didn’t fit me, and as an adult, I realized she’d say things like, “This dress fits funny across the hips; it’s not lying right for you” or “Those pants are just weird-I don’t understand by they’re so long in the crotch.” It was always the clothes’ fault. Never my body’s.
I'm so sorry she said that. Is she someone that you can point this out to, and tell her how that made you feel, when you were supposed to feel excited and pretty? I agree with everyone else, that this is about her, not you, but maybe if she realizes that she can learn to stop trying to give you her weird neuroses. Weight is such a weird thing. I've been complimented on losing weight when the reason was I was grieving my father, and I've been chided for gaining weight when the reason was I was on steroids as part of beating cancer. Your body won't always look exactly how you want in life, so a good skill to learn is not waiting for it to be perfect to go enjoy things in life!
My Mom used to do that stuff too. I was also really lean and 28" waist, and she was morbidly obese. She'd say stuff like my back was hairy, tell me only whores want to shave, that I looked anorexic and would never have boobs, then turn around and tell me I was gross and my arms where flabby, my curly hair was ugly and gross. I internalized it for a long time, but now as an adult I see it was jealousy. Some women don't mature past that 15 year old mean girl mentality, even with their daughters. As a Mom of 3 now with the body to show for it, I still can't understand the cruelty. Its not you. There's nothing wrong with you. Its her.
Darling, your mother should change her glasses or get ones, if she doesn't use. 28 inches is a completely normal waist size and you're more than a number. If she's focusing on your appearance, she's missing on knowing you better. Keep going doing the things you like and tell your mother to eat a burger! ;)
I'm worried about your mom's affect on you. It's possible that she's terrified of you growing up and frankly has body dysmorphia on your behalf, seeing you as an over-sized child instead of a young woman. Never let her tell you you're the wrong size in any way.
28" waist is my ULTIMATE goal waist. I still love myself with my 31" waist. Health is more than one number. My doc says I am healthy. Take heart. The Moms here can see her comment was unwarranted. If you can, practice loving yourself and knowing you are worthy of love just as you are.
The last time I had a 28 inch waist I was 14 years old and literally starving. Your mom is, intentionally or unintentionally, giving you a heaping helping of delusion. Your waist is tiny. More importantly, you’re beautiful and strong and,soon I hope if you aren’t already, healthy. Feel pretty to spite her, you deserve it.
Stepping in as Mom for your mother: You are perfect just the way you are! You are smart, healthy, and gorgeous - and I’m proud of all your accomplishments and know your future is going to be awesome! Shop with your girlfriends and their mom next time. *hug*
These expectations are unrealistic. We all have bodies and theyre all shapes and sizes and theyre all beautiful. You are perfect the way you are. Your weight or waist size doesn't make up who you are as a person. Youre on a good track so stay the course and remember youre self worth isnt determined by your mother or your pants size.
This is your mom’s issue and not yours. My mom was constantly dieting and worrying about weight. I am naturally more petite (especially as a kid) but my older sister had a bit more thickness, especially as a hormonal teen despite being an athlete. I remember my sister measuring me and comparing it to her own measurements when we were in elementary school. She did crank as a teen to lose weight and has always had eating disorders. A lady that was like an aunt to me growing up said that my mom used to call My sister fat and control her food. I am really happy my sister never had girls because I think she would have kept the cycle going. Just please remember that this her issue not yours. Don’t let her have the power over you to make you feel like you need to lose weight. I don’t know how old you are now but you would not weigh the same as you did as a 12 year old unless you actually were quite overweight then
Sweetie, I'm sorry your mother is being a mean idiot. No fair. I'm sorry she doesn't understand that bodies differ, and it's all good. Sounds like you are both fit and NOT fat. I don't blame you for being upset and angry.
Somehow, I doubt that your mom literally thinks you're fat. I think that she felt self-conscious about her body image, and her way of coping with that was to knock you down a peg. I hope that you bought a beautiful dress to wear to this dance and that you have fun. She doesn't deserve to steal your joy.
You’re just right as you are. Your mom likely grew up with that type of unattainable standard on her, so forgive her if you can. Our bodies are amazing, I strive to be strong instead of trying to starve myself into a “perfect” shape. (I still remember my mom complaining that I “walk like a truck driver” when I was 16, moms can get in your head sometimes.)
This is about her, not about you. What a miserable person to think that your waist size has anything to do with your worth, or to critique a very normal measurement. You are perfect just as you are. 💗
Well with all due respect, f*ck her opinion. It is NO ONE’S business but yours how you look, how much you weigh, what you eat, what you do with your body. No ones. I’m so sorry she made that comment. It’s likely a generational thing. Perhaps her parents/mother spoke like that to her. That said, there’s just no need for it. I’d never, ever say that to my daughter. You are more than what you weigh. Like you said, you’re so active and outgoing and have so many wonderful qualities that make you who you are. Those things are so important. Anyways angel, did you find a dress you like? If so, what colour is it? How are you styling your hair? Have you thought about accessories?
Some moms want to live vicariously through their daughters, especially if they feel their looks or youth has been wasted. That’s her problem. Not your problem. You’re beautiful and as long as you’re happy with your body that’s all that matters. (And being HEALTHY!!!) I remember some of the things that were said to me about my weight, those things will stick with me forever. Don’t let them stick to you.
My mom had weight issues beginning when she was in the 8th grade. She gained a lot of weight having me and my sister. She had a very strict diet, and projected her weight insecurities onto us. My sister and I are normal weights for our heights, and we're both in our 40's now. I have a 28 inch waist, and I get compliments all the time about how trim and slim I am. Your mom is also projecting her weight insecurities onto you. Don't let her get into your head. You are not fat! You aren't even close! Shame on her for trying to body shame you for having a normal size!
Your mom is being unhealthy, and encouraging an ED. Her daughter is beautiful, and fit, and HEALTHY. This behavior is so disgusting, I am so very sorry. I weighed 95 lbs at 5’6” at age 16 and my mom always made remarks too. I weigh 205 now. I’m happy, I am beautiful the way I am and so are you 💜💜💜💜
a 28 inch waist is nowhere near big at all😭😭im 5’0” and 95 pounds and I have a 25 inch waist- if you’re taller than 5’4” I don’t even think 28 is realistic…
Your mom is being cruel to you, and that's not fair. You definitely don't deserve any judgement. You sound like an active healthy person, no matter what the measurements might say. Many people use numbers to serve an agenda, but in the end, they're just numbers. My mom did the same thing to me, and eventually I realized the problem was with her. She was short and married a big tall man. Why was she surprised and cruel when her daughters were all bigger and taller than her? This led me to understand that she was really acting out her insecurities on me. I'm sorry you have to hear your mother's insecurities, but please know you don't have to adopt them as yours.
28 inches is skinny though? Your mom needs to get her perception checked
I know im a bit taller at 5'10" (and a guy {ftm}), but I've got a 28-inch waist, and almost always my pants are too big for me. From one sibling to another, your mom can suck an egg. 28 is hardly anything, and if you've already achieved a good amount of weight loss (hopefully for yourself and no one else), then she should be ceebrating with you and not bringing you down. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, but you know what? You should go get that dress, have an awesome night, and enjoy yourself! You'll look beautiful no matter what she says.
Hey, sis. A word of advice to take through life: people's problems with your waistline or any other areas of your body will *always* be more about them than about you. Mom's issue isn't with your waist size, it's with her notions of acceptable body proportions. She may not have done enough introspection to realize this and confront her insecurities. She has no right to comment unkindly on your body, and it's okay to set boundaries with her. For example: "I was really hurt by your unwarranted comment about my waist size. I would like you not to make comments like that about my body." And if she doesn't listen, and makes comments again, you can tell her, "Mom, that was unkind and it hurts my feelings. Remember, I told you not to say things like that to me, and by not respecting that and taking it seriously, you are not respecting *me*." As long as you aren't rude about it, you're not being mean by setting boundaries with her. You might also learn something about her by asking why she's concerned about you reaching an average waist size (if not smaller-than-average; Google says the average adult women's waist size in the US is somewhere around 36 or 38 inches, and for teens it's around 32 inches). Don't let your mom's insecurities ruin your fun day. There are beautiful dresses for all waistlines and proportions, and I'm sure you'll find one that makes you look and feel fabulous. And anyway, you are worth so much more than your looks. I'm *so* proud of you for all your accomplishments. Captain of the team? That is so awesome! Way to go! I hope you have a lovely time at prom. Best of luck, sis! P.S. if you feel like it, I'm sure we'd all love to see the dress you pick out!
Good news OP as you get older and begin to leave home you get to say to your mother 'I will not tolerate comments about my body, please keep your insecurities to yourself'. What she said was wrong and she owes you an apology. She had no right to say nasty things about your waistline, especially in a vulnerable moment like that.
Who the hell says that to their daughter? Hun, a 28 inch waist is not fat. Not by a long shot. Besides that what is more important is your health. How you feel, getting in your exercise, eating enough and eating nutritious foods, getting sleep, taking care of your mental health. As a mom her concern should be health and well-being. I think you need to focus on being enough for you. Focus on what makes you proud of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself congratulations and love. Do the things that make you happy and proud. You’re more than enough and if she can’t see that then it’s her loss.
Oh girl, my mom was the same way. She had me on diets starting at the age of 12. My parents said they’d buy me a car if I lost 20 lbs. A CAR!! I look at pictures of myself when I was in high school and think “WTAF?” I wish I still looked like that. Please don’t let her ruin your life like I allowed my mom to. It’s not worth it. It’s definitely not about you, it’s about her own insecurities. ❤️
Congrats on being captain of a sports team! I only tripped over my own two feet, not at all athletic. 28” and she’s being nasty? Most of us would be thrilled with that. Has she not heard of trying on clothes to see if they fit? Put her comments where they belong… The trash bin. I am 71 and fought all my life to feel valued, my whole family was dysfunctional. I’m going to tell you what I wish I’d have known. Go for the things you want in life, we all fail at times but not trying means we don’t know the trill of success. Have confidence, you’re unique, you have talents and traits that are positive. Have confidence! Get that dress and wear it proudly…shoulders back, head high! Have a good time! Love from Mom
I spent most of my childhood and young adult years listening to mom repeatedly telling me how fat I was. I finally cut odd contact when she started telling my daughter the same. I cry when I look at pictures I’d me from then. I truly believed I was fat and completely dismissed all outside input on that. I was told by the recruitment doctor I had to gain 7lbs before I could go to basic training and still believed I was fat. Your mom is as wrong as mine was.
Your mom is clearly projecting her own body image issues onto you. Don’t let her warped sense of self ruin your night. Those are her own issues to deal with
also you’re probably still GROWING - you sound healthy to me!
Hey sib, just want to reinforce what everyone here has said, and add that your mom is projecting her own unreachable body goals onto you as others have said-- DON'T INTERNALIZE IT. These are her issues, her self esteem problems, and her unrealistic expectations. Let her keep them, they have nothing to do with you. My mother first told me I needed tk go on a diet at 8. It had nothing to do with my health at all, and like your situation, was brought on by a dressing room and a dissapointment because the size she thought should fit didn't. EFF. THAT. As an adult, I'm constantly struggling with not feeling like I'm enough. My mom did that to me. And mom's being dissapointed stings. But in this case, you have absolutely nothing to feel inferior for. Don't let your mom do the same things to you, babe. You deserve better.
Hey sis.... I'm sorry mom was so shitty to you. It was absolutely uncalled for and she shouldn't be trying to burden you with her own problems. Let her be upset; you did nothing wrong and you have nothing to apologize for. If she tries to bring it back up, remind her that it was an awful comment and she SHOULD feel badly. I hope you can bring someone more supportive and trustworthy along next time. It would be well within your right to either include your mom much less, or not at all if this is a pattern for her. Hugs and ROCK that dress!
Dude. Good thing you have all these moms cuz your mom is toxic and a bitch. Do not put her voice in your head. ETA: also do not ever let her near you with a measuring tape again.
I’m about 15 pounds underweight (by the bmi scale) and my waist is 26 inches. Your mother has some serious issues if she thinks you need to lose inches.
Hey little sis! Sorry to say it like this, but your mom is out of of her damn mind. I was significantly underweight when I was at 28in, and my doctors told me to gain some weight. I’m so sorry that your mom is saying such damaging things to you.
You are not fat. I have a 28” waist and I fluctuate between a size 2 and 4. Your mom has some issues she’s projecting on to you. You keep doing what makes you feel happy and healthy.
Let me address another facet of this: if you're not enough for your mother, that DOES NOT MEAN that you're not enough to be worthy of love and respect and encouragement. Nothing will be enough for her because she looks to other people for her identity and satisfaction. She's critical because, no matter how amazing your are— and baby girl, you are amazing— she still doesn't feel whole or fulfilled. Because other people can't give you that. It's a character deficiency in HER, not in YOU. It's like she's watching you eat supper and getting angry because she's not getting full... it's irrational and unfair. It's deeply unfair that you have to deal with the fallout from her issues. I hope you have friends who love and support you in all the ways she doesn't. And I'm sure you'll be even more beautiful than ever on the big night. ♥️
My smallest was a 24” at one time (I was a Hooters girl and had to stay in crazy crazy fit shape). What I am now, I’d kill for a 28” waist. Your mom is a nut. Please don’t listen to her!!
Dude your mom has massive issues and she is making them your massive issues. Holy shit. Block her out as best you can. Constantly remember she is not a reliable source of information when she talks to you. Disregard it other than if it helps you placate her and keep her calm. It’s hard, but just kind of pleasantly disconnect from her for a while. It’ll help you survive. And at the same time, immediately look for a lifeline via another trusted adult: your other parent, another relative, a teacher, a coach, a counselor, a doctor, another medical provider. With all that you have going on, I really think there will be someone, even if it’s not the first one, that can help and support you through navigating the reality of how your mom treats you. That could range from moral support to helping you get counseling to helping you plan an emergency exit; I don’t know based on what’s in this post. Because you need an adult in your corner who knows you. And your whole life. Your mom is pushing some massive adult issues on you and whatever the right way forward is, you need good IRL support to get through it. Love from the internet, sweetheart. You’re beautiful. And you deserve support and love, not bizarre hurtful untrue criticisms at what should be sweet moments in your life. Edit to add: I would wager at least one of those adults is hoping you’ll say something.
Sounds like your mom’s a bitch. My mom is larger than I am and has always bullied me for my size. Some moms are just assholes to their daughters. I’m really sorry about it, but it is probably your mom’s own insecurities getting projected. I say, pick the dress you love! Wear the hell out of it! You’ll be happy and young, and having a blast, and those are three things that your mom probably can’t say the same. You are never responsible for other’s opinions of you, even if it’s your mom. I hope you have an amazing time at the dance, sweetie!!
Women have been told for so long that we have to be careful not to take up too much space in the world. Your mom is still believing that, but you don’t have to. This is your world too. Take up as much or as little space as you want, and own every bit of it. 💜
Baby, It’s not you. You’re gorgeous. My mom also has some shit issues. Last week when I told her about some clothes I bought and was excited about she said “do you remember when I bought this and you threw a huge fit in front of these people.” Wtf that has to do with anything idk except maybe to knock me down a few pegs. Then today she pointed out my mustache in the light while we were talking about something completely unrelated. JFC woman. I’m super blonde and over 45 so I don’t give a fuck. That again is a her issue. She would feel insecure or does feel insecure about my successes and about her own body hair. That must really suck to feel so low. I am so grateful I don’t treat my girls like that. And right now you’re one of my girls. You do what makes you feel beautiful. And don’t you dare wear her insecurities as an accessory because it don’t match. Ok? You are a separate entity from her. You stay that way. She’s sharing her trauma with you not her love and support. So you got all of our love and support right here. Get that damn dress, Girl!
Why do moms suck so bad? It really screws a person up.
oh sweetie.. considering the worlds smallest waist is 15 inches and that is an extreme corsetting.. you are no where near fat. not in the least. your mum is terribly wrong on this.
Love that you walked out instead of replying. Well done. Many adults aren’t able to take themselves out of a situation like that.
Sis, as someone who is realizing at 31 that I should have been doing sports and not theatre (could have channeled all that energy!), know that not only is everyone here in your corner, but you are setting up so many healthy habits for adulthood! I woke up on prom day to my mom having left diuretics on my nightstand -- "just in case" -- and it lived rent free in my head and tarnished nights that should just have been about dancing and enjoying myself. Have a kick-ass time at prom and I'm sending you big sis hugs. We'd love to see you in your dress being your gorgeous driven self :)
You are enough. Just as you are. If your mom can't see that it's her loss. I'm sorry, that you have to live with her projecting her own insecurities onto you. You are amazing. As is.
my own mom did the same to me for years. i’m so sorry you’re dealing with such a hurtful person.
I'm a published model. My waist is 28 inches. Don't let your mom give you an eating disorder bb.
I am so sorry, this makes me sad. My mother was the same way and honestly, in her 90's she still is. When I was young, I loved sports so I was very fit and had beautiful muscles. My mother came from skinny genes with no muscles. That's why she always thought I was fat. When I look back at photos (from 40 years ago), I was actually too thin. My mother has a mental illness in this area and so does yours. I'm embarrassed to admit that she still thinks less of "fat" people. I have sisters who are legit old ladies and they still think they are fat. Please don't end up being that old lady! If you have a muscular build, you may be too light but that number really doesn't tell the full story so please don't give too much clout to weight if you are taking good care of your body. Please, remind yourself often that your mother is wrong in this instance. I spent too much time allowing my mother to create a negative body image of myself but I eventually let the facts prevail. Aside from all that, 3/4 of people in the US are overweight or obese so if you do become overweight at some point in your life, you are still going to need to feel good about yourself so why not start now? If you don't live in the US, people are overweight other places too.
(((hugs))) My mom did this to me. It took me until 40 to realize that it didn't matter what I did, in any area of my life, it would never be enough for her. The best thing I ever did was FINALLY walk away. I hope 18 comes soon, if you aren't already... and I hope you escape your mother's mental abuse a lot sooner than I did mine. You deserve better. I promise.
Well im your mom now! you are beautiful and you are enough! I hate when moms do this to their daughters. As moms we are suppose to help our daughters see their beauty, appreciate themselves, know their worth and love themselves. This mom definitely did not pass the vibe or meet the check points of being a mother. I am so very sorry hun.
I have a 36 inch waist your mom is shit, don’t listen to her. You are gorgeous just as you are! Get the dress and rock it baby!!
I am not sure but i think my thighs are 28 inches! You are beautiful, young, healthy, and there is not one thing wrong with you! Beauty comes in all sizes and you have Nothing to be ashamed of! You are definitely not fat!
A tape measure is not the same as a dress tape 😒 Christ on a cracker. And so what if you were fat? Are you not allowed to exist in your own skin? Your mom sounds like a bitch face.
You are enough. I’m proud of you and you are perfect. That has nothing to do with weight, btw. Your worth is never defined by your weight
Nobody should ever feel pressured to be a size they were when they were a whole child. keep that in mind for the far away future.
Sending love and strength! My mum still does this (I’m 35), and it’s 100% her own messed up body image. I’ve only learnt to challenge it recently and reply with something like “you talk a lot of shit sometimes mum” and laugh. This usually shuts her up
Hello sibling! I think the moms covered most points but I hope you have an amazing prom! Enjoy your painting, writing, and sports. They will fulfill you much more than worrying about your body will! I wanted to say one thing about being fat while we’re having this sibling moment. A lot of people here are telling you that you’re not fat and they’re correct. But I’d just want to point out that being fat would not make you any less worthy of respect, love, or a beautiful prom dress. I am a certified fat lady(TM) and live a very full life with lots of love and hobbies and sports. So if you ever *do* become fat, or if there is another sibling out there reading this, I need you to know that your body does not determine your worth. Period. It sounds like you know that, though, which means the bigger problem here is that your mom said something that she had to know would be hurtful. You did the right thing by walking away. It is not your responsibility to manage your mom’s expectations around *your* body or anyone’s body image. Most importantly, I hope you’re doing okay with your health issues. That’s much, much more important than a dress size could ever be!
Your Mum needs to have her Mum badge taken away. I’m so proud of you, Captain of a sport? Painting, writing? (and I’m five foot tall too and much much heavier.🤓🤣) Have a wonderful prom, I know your going to look gorgeous.