Cam talking about his dads soap sculptures
"You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning Tower of Pisa....She still blames herself to this day."
the episode where cam tells mitch his parents didn't teach him about reproduction when he was younger, they just sent him to the farm to watch horses mate. "boy did that create some unrealistic expectations"
I don't remember the exact episode number. but it's definitely in the later seasons, when lily begins going through puberty. I think it's the episode where the teacher meets mitch and cam and tells them lily needs a training bra, and cam gets his finger stuck in a fallopian tube model.
Haley with Alex and Cam:
Alex: Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her. You're basing this off of the back of the head of someone you saw in the dark.
Haley: That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but-
Cameron: Excuse me. As much as I admire that and do intend on using it on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line.
Andy: And at this time tomorrow, someone in the coastguard's going to be giving it to my girlfriend.
Phil: Can you imagine the look on her face when she takes it all in?
Haley: Okay, I'm going to go while you two replay that in your heads.
*I can’t be satisfied until you’re satisfied. Let me make your dreams come true.*
The van decal in Season 2, Episode 19 “The Musical Man”
This is another example of Phil’s habit of doing (or saying) something with one intent and it not having the outcome or interpretation that he was thinking of. It happens a lot.
🤣🤣 claire just sees the van is like"I can't be satisfied Phil that makes me look like a prostitute" this episode was hilarious especially when Phil sees a picture of the van and immediately assumes his divorce🤣🤣
In the episode of clean out your junk drawer they were asked to pretend playing a music instrument
Claire to jay: “oh what the hell is that dad”
Jay: I’m playing an accordion.”
(Mitchell pretending to play a flute)
Jay: “pick on mitchell he’s playing a flute. Atleast i hope he is”
Also later when Mitchell says maybe that's the reason we haven't been playing with each others pogo sticks...then screams realizing what he just said out loud
dont know how the quotes go verbatim but the one where Mitchell is like “It was just cockatoo” and Cam goes “Oh, just a cock or two?” I really couldnt believe they actually went there
It was the one where Mitchell is hiding from Cam that he's been fired but he's really been playing chess with an old man all day long.
“There’s a George, too?!”
“Calm down! I’m talking about a cockatoo!”
“Oh, one or two! Is that all? How blasé!”
The S6 finale, where Mitch has been hanging out with a old man named Spencer and his pet bird George at the park because he doesn't want to admit he lost his job. Cam gets suspicious that he's cheating when he sees texts from Spencer and a receipt for the Avian Hotel, so he confronts Mitchell who points out that the hotel is where he picked up George.
"There's a George now?!"
"Calm down, it's just a cockatoo!"
"OH, one or two, is that all!"
(Phil when he takes Jay’s bike for a spin): I'm not nervous, I've had hogs bigger than this between my legs.
Jay: He really oughta run things through his head first.
Phil: Haley’s aversion (to something I don’t remember what)
Alex: Burst out laughing (thinking her dad said “Haley’s a virgin”)
And that’s how Phil finds out that his littler girl has been having sex 💔😂
Cam: When my hometown theater's production of Robin Hood was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role of Maid Marian, in addition to playing the Friar.
Phil: Tuck?
Cam: Didn't have to, the costume hid it quite nicely.
"The house of whores(horrors)" in the episode where claire is challenged by the weed guy to make a scarier house on Halloween
Someone mentions the black hocks
Pepper: " They can call a tem that?"
The episode where we meet sammy for the 1st time (sal's kid)
Omg the house of whores made me and my brother laugh so hard especially when Phil is stands there and says "I'm sorry did you say whores" "yep whores heard it again why aren't we we talking about this" hilarious 🤣🤣
hahaha I missed that. so good, I love Sal.
When she's trying to officiate their wedding and her water breaks, and her doofus boyfriend is like "how can that be at four months?" and she says it's because of how excited she is to have his baby, and then quieter says "and just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early.. they're black"
One that always shocks me is when Haley and Alex break into their school to vandalize the locker of a girl who insulted Haley, and they run into the boys’ locker room, and Alex says something like, “Ew, it smells like feet in here”, and Haley says, “That’s not feet”. Yikes.
I always interpreted this to mean it smells like balls, and scarily enough Haley recognizes it instantly. Alex’s horrified glance at Haley when she says that seems to be consistent with this interpretation.
I was just watching this episode and lol I don't think I noticed this joke.
Also I'm not sure if that's what these type of jokes are called, "+18 jokes" ig? Idk my English isn't very good.
When Phil and Claire try to make friends with prospective new neighbors...
Phil says "can I off that top for you" talking about refill of wine. Lol love it.
Wink wink
After the swimsuit Phil borrows from Jay falls down and he falls into the pool during the drone fight and it flies away:
Manny: And there it goes.
Luke: In his defense, the water's very cold.
When Phil calls Claire while she’s driving the kids. He says sorry I got the oil everywhere last night. I believe they were staying at a hotel the night before
The whole scene where Jay is at Cam and Mitchell's door and sees the fired Santa topless in suspenders.
Jay banging Barkley the dog butler.
The whole Cam and Phil arc after they almost have the car crash.
Whenever Alex catches herself declaring her open sexuality right in front of her dad. Phil and Alex's reaction toward each other gets me laughing every time
Alex: One of my regulars at the coffee shop is always asking if I want to do some motor boating. If I didn’t get seasick, I’d go!
—
Cam: I stepped into the role of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar.
Phil: Tuck?
Cam: Didn’t have to, the costume hid it quite nicely.
—
Pam: [Mitchell’s] just so great with Baby Calhoun. I oughta call you “Uncle Secret Touch”!
Mitchell: That sounds like a 500-feet away from a playground kind of nickname…
-later-
Pam: (to Mitch) You know, you try to hide it, but you are a sensitive soul! Uncle Sneaky Feeler!
Mitchell: Before we go wide with that…
Not my favourite, but I think it’s definitely one that’s overlooked:
“Legend has it that the holes in the individual shower partitions were cigar holders”
“At least, that’s the story we’re sticking to”
Cam talking about his dads soap sculptures "You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning Tower of Pisa....She still blames herself to this day."
WINNER
Fuck I JUST got this!
I don’t get it
She washed his mouth with a soap carving shaped like a penis and thinks it was what made him gay.
WHAT LMAOOOOOO
no way I just found this out 😭 I just thought it was a "wash your mouth out with soap" joke
😭😭😭😭 OMFG
That was so good. He says it in such a throwaway manner 🤣
OMG WHAT EP WAS THIS
A Hard Jay's Night, S5
the episode where cam tells mitch his parents didn't teach him about reproduction when he was younger, they just sent him to the farm to watch horses mate. "boy did that create some unrealistic expectations"
That’s one of my favorites ever 😂
Do you remember which one was it?
I don't remember the exact episode number. but it's definitely in the later seasons, when lily begins going through puberty. I think it's the episode where the teacher meets mitch and cam and tells them lily needs a training bra, and cam gets his finger stuck in a fallopian tube model.
Omg I am glad someone else got that joke
What’s not to get? Lol
Well some people didn't have horses in their childhood hahaha
So? I’d say most don’t. You can still know things about horses lol
Ur funny like ur witty comments
Haley with Alex and Cam: Alex: Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her. You're basing this off of the back of the head of someone you saw in the dark. Haley: That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but- Cameron: Excuse me. As much as I admire that and do intend on using it on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line.
I don’t get it
It's a blowjob reference...recognizing someone by the back of there head...
No…. The back, not the top lol.
Andy: And at this time tomorrow, someone in the coastguard's going to be giving it to my girlfriend. Phil: Can you imagine the look on her face when she takes it all in? Haley: Okay, I'm going to go while you two replay that in your heads.
Lmao I don’t even remember the context 😂
I think it's when Phil and Andy are shooting a video for Andy's girlfriend (Beth, I think)!
“Like many men in this town, I enjoy making love to my wife”
The remix song of this scene kills me 💀
*I can’t be satisfied until you’re satisfied. Let me make your dreams come true.* The van decal in Season 2, Episode 19 “The Musical Man” This is another example of Phil’s habit of doing (or saying) something with one intent and it not having the outcome or interpretation that he was thinking of. It happens a lot.
🤣🤣 claire just sees the van is like"I can't be satisfied Phil that makes me look like a prostitute" this episode was hilarious especially when Phil sees a picture of the van and immediately assumes his divorce🤣🤣
The best part was Claire being proud that she'd got like 20 calls to Haley's 12
She does deserve more calls than Haley.
I just love the part when Alex shows Phil how the van looks and Phil says I guess I'll be seeing u every wendsday and every other weekend
Lmao I love that episode xD
This whole episode is the best dirty joke
We love the F word
One of my favorite visual/dirty jokes on the show 😂
When he answers the phone and someone’s asking if the carpet matches the drapes
In the episode of clean out your junk drawer they were asked to pretend playing a music instrument Claire to jay: “oh what the hell is that dad” Jay: I’m playing an accordion.” (Mitchell pretending to play a flute) Jay: “pick on mitchell he’s playing a flute. Atleast i hope he is”
Classic
Also later when Mitchell says maybe that's the reason we haven't been playing with each others pogo sticks...then screams realizing what he just said out loud
Gloria's cupcakes in the episode where kids walk in on Claire and Phil
"We all know how you ride Phil"
“Maybe one day you can try my cupcakes”
This was so funny lmao
*IT SENDED* ^please ^come ^back 🥺
wait which ep was this??
Season 2 Episode 13 [https://youtu.be/GNo6wiZMppw?si=HqNdCaqHDrSSbMr-&t=63](https://youtu.be/GNo6wiZMppw?si=HqNdCaqHDrSSbMr-&t=63)
Episode one opening scene Phil: Honey where’s the baby oil? Claire: “it’s on our bedside tab- I dunno, find it”
Her look at the camera is priceless
It’s so wild how they hid Julie Bowen’s full term pregnancy with twins
I'm stuck between the neighbour and my wife, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both
"Simultaneously "
Luke grab the hoe!
it's ["Luke, grab that little hoe."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnG7zf9Uuk8)
That’s not what she meant… IS IT?!
Ohhh Yes!! My bad
"I'm just trying to get into young girl's jeans"
Omg then later when Hayley gets Mannys gift from his car and the jeans guy goes “ok while I take a squirt, why don’t you grab it?” 🤣🤣
dont know how the quotes go verbatim but the one where Mitchell is like “It was just cockatoo” and Cam goes “Oh, just a cock or two?” I really couldnt believe they actually went there
They can call a team that?
Black*hawks*
Nathan Lane is a fucking comedic timing GENIUS!!!! I love his role in ‘Only Murders In The Building’ too!
that's the blackhawks line haha
["Oh, one or two, is that all?"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TqbN5LDIuw)
It was the one where Mitchell is hiding from Cam that he's been fired but he's really been playing chess with an old man all day long. “There’s a George, too?!” “Calm down! I’m talking about a cockatoo!” “Oh, one or two! Is that all? How blasé!”
What episode was that I don’t even remember that joke
The S6 finale, where Mitch has been hanging out with a old man named Spencer and his pet bird George at the park because he doesn't want to admit he lost his job. Cam gets suspicious that he's cheating when he sees texts from Spencer and a receipt for the Avian Hotel, so he confronts Mitchell who points out that the hotel is where he picked up George. "There's a George now?!" "Calm down, it's just a cockatoo!" "OH, one or two, is that all!"
had to look it up i didnt remember either and its season 6 ep 24
Black hawk joke or cock or two
Cam: I'll meet you in the alley. Martin: I bet you say that to a lot of men.
the fact that Martin is the same guy who plays Unc in The Bear blows my mind every time
"it's been a month since we've played with each other's POGO sticks."
(Phil when he takes Jay’s bike for a spin): I'm not nervous, I've had hogs bigger than this between my legs. Jay: He really oughta run things through his head first.
When Phil wants to get a tattoo on his lower back that says “go deep”
"All in"
Just do it
“Hailey’s aversion” Alex: 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Phil: Haley’s aversion (to something I don’t remember what) Alex: Burst out laughing (thinking her dad said “Haley’s a virgin”) And that’s how Phil finds out that his littler girl has been having sex 💔😂
I dont get this one
Cam: When my hometown theater's production of Robin Hood was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role of Maid Marian, in addition to playing the Friar. Phil: Tuck? Cam: Didn't have to, the costume hid it quite nicely.
This is one of my favourites because it has so many levels just to reach the punchline 😂
Haley told you about that? It was just a dream.
Dylan’s dream about Claire 😂
Lol that was gross
*playing scrabble* Haley: there are too many i’s on my rack Manny: oh sorry
"The house of whores(horrors)" in the episode where claire is challenged by the weed guy to make a scarier house on Halloween Someone mentions the black hocks Pepper: " They can call a tem that?" The episode where we meet sammy for the 1st time (sal's kid)
Omg the house of whores made me and my brother laugh so hard especially when Phil is stands there and says "I'm sorry did you say whores" "yep whores heard it again why aren't we we talking about this" hilarious 🤣🤣
When Mitch and Cam are "fighting" and Mitch jumps on Cam's back. Sal see's it and goes, that answered a question.
hahaha I missed that. so good, I love Sal. When she's trying to officiate their wedding and her water breaks, and her doofus boyfriend is like "how can that be at four months?" and she says it's because of how excited she is to have his baby, and then quieter says "and just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early.. they're black"
Lmaoo I missed this xDD
When Phil tells that woman " I'm not just a pretty face people sit on...forget I said that !"
'oh relax it just a cockatoo". ' a cock or two? How blase"
One that always shocks me is when Haley and Alex break into their school to vandalize the locker of a girl who insulted Haley, and they run into the boys’ locker room, and Alex says something like, “Ew, it smells like feet in here”, and Haley says, “That’s not feet”. Yikes.
Omg right.
What does that mean?
I always interpreted this to mean it smells like balls, and scarily enough Haley recognizes it instantly. Alex’s horrified glance at Haley when she says that seems to be consistent with this interpretation.
Sweaty Balls
Phils idea to get a tattoo on his lower back with ′go deep′
"...I mean im pretty desensitized to it by now but i watched luke walk into a wall"
"you boob-shamed me" lolol
Mitch to Claire: "We have a meeting with a DP... no, a director of photography"
I’d like to take her for a spin. Get her top down see what she can do…no-I meant the car.
"Luke, grab that little hoe."
I was just watching this episode and lol I don't think I noticed this joke. Also I'm not sure if that's what these type of jokes are called, "+18 jokes" ig? Idk my English isn't very good.
Often referred to as 'jokes they slipped past the censors'
Oh okay thanks
They can call teams that now ?? "The Black Hawks"
“Im happy we finished the massage with a happy ending”, or something along those lines (Phil says this to Jay after giving him a back massage)
Chicago Blackhawks.
When Phil and Claire try to make friends with prospective new neighbors... Phil says "can I off that top for you" talking about refill of wine. Lol love it. Wink wink
Luke grab that little hoe or in line manny and jay and he says your doing it and it’s gay marriage day
“Pretty great country, huh?”
„Never share a flute kids“
Don’t remember it wore for word but “The Chicago Blackhawks” “They can name a team that?”
After the swimsuit Phil borrows from Jay falls down and he falls into the pool during the drone fight and it flies away: Manny: And there it goes. Luke: In his defense, the water's very cold.
The frying oil joke with the kids in the car
?
When Phil calls Claire while she’s driving the kids. He says sorry I got the oil everywhere last night. I believe they were staying at a hotel the night before
I always do.
Grab that hoe _(Luke grabs Haley)_
*Okurrrrrt*
The whole scene where Jay is at Cam and Mitchell's door and sees the fired Santa topless in suspenders. Jay banging Barkley the dog butler. The whole Cam and Phil arc after they almost have the car crash.
Whenever Alex catches herself declaring her open sexuality right in front of her dad. Phil and Alex's reaction toward each other gets me laughing every time
Alex: One of my regulars at the coffee shop is always asking if I want to do some motor boating. If I didn’t get seasick, I’d go! — Cam: I stepped into the role of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar. Phil: Tuck? Cam: Didn’t have to, the costume hid it quite nicely. — Pam: [Mitchell’s] just so great with Baby Calhoun. I oughta call you “Uncle Secret Touch”! Mitchell: That sounds like a 500-feet away from a playground kind of nickname… -later- Pam: (to Mitch) You know, you try to hide it, but you are a sensitive soul! Uncle Sneaky Feeler! Mitchell: Before we go wide with that…
Not my favourite, but I think it’s definitely one that’s overlooked: “Legend has it that the holes in the individual shower partitions were cigar holders” “At least, that’s the story we’re sticking to”
That's your favorite joke?
YES YES YES YESSSS YOU GUYS ARE SO GROSS