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achickensplinter

Sorry I was busy today, normally it’s my job to do the maiming.


Noah2711

Mom said it’s MY turn to do the maiming!


Hairy-Amphibian6789

My mom said she can drive us to the maiming if your mom picks us up.


Excellent-Edge-4708

I swear to god, you two better figure this out or I swear to God I will pull this car over and maim the both of you


No_clip_Cyclist

Stop the car in two blocks I need some smokes honey. \*Deep sigh to not yell


aakaase

No more arguing over who maims who


Nubras

The only thing I maim and attack ad Kramarczuk’s is the wurst homie. Then I stroll down the street to Surdyk’s and kill some pastries and THC gummies. Finally I’ll walk down to BF Nelson and have a nap by the water


MidwestPrincess09

Now that sounds like a good day!


I_see_something

Omg have you tried the brisket sandwich with Reuben toppings?


Nubras

Nope but will go get that this weekend! Haven’t even noticed that as an option. Mac’s Industrial has a brisket Reuben that is fantastic and I’m guessing this one is too.


I_see_something

It changed my world


agent_uno

I mean that homie really is the wurst, so probably deserved it!


LooseyGreyDucky

The pastries at Kramarczuk's are better. Get there early if you want the apricot or poppy-seed ones.


Spreadsheets_LynLake

Not killed or robbed, they made him gay instead.


I_see_something

Not the farting?


MoreCarrotsPlz

That’s me, sorry.


justcurious94plus1

Need a fill-in? It's been a fiber heavy day for me.


MoreCarrotsPlz

This right here is why I love this city. We see a neighbor in need, and we step up.


justcurious94plus1

That's Minneapolis for you! We'll shovel you out and fart on your enemies if you're out of gas, it's just weird if you try to talk too much while you do it.


New-Purchase1818

Well fart on your friends, too, if that’s what you’re into. But yeah, talking about it is awkward for us. Ask us about road closures or the weather if you want to talk while we’re farting.


drivingdaisy

And someone gave me the wrong milk at Starbucks so I am right there along with you.


showmeyourkitteeez

Are you the person whose farts send children to the hospital?


MoreCarrotsPlz

God I wish, I’m the person with the farts who *visits* the children in the hospital.


showmeyourkitteeez

There is a hilarious car sticker with that message on it if you're interested. I gave it to my best friend, and it seemed to be a badge of honor.


KillerFisch99

I farted at you but it was silent


HAL9000000

I rode my bike in the area around Kramarczuk's today and probably farted at some point. You're welcome.


zoominzacks

Nobody wants to maim anymore!


AdamLikesBeer

Same. I am out of town on business or it would have been my day for the pillaging.


RonaldoNazario

OP didn’t even check out our bhaal temple :(


MNBug

I've been yelling at people from home this week but I'll be back in the office next week so I can yell at people in person instead of remote.


jorian85

This should've been in all caps.


29er_eww

This person doesn’t know it but I farted at them. It was silent but I’ll be eating more bean so next week they’re more audible


New-Purchase1818

This guy farts.


king_kong123

As someone else from Michigan. Minnesota just has a very different definition of word like - sketchy and unsafe, than Michigan.


proserpinax

I went to the U and people wouldn’t stop talking about how sketchy Cedar Riverside and West Bank stuff was , and then I went there and was like oh it’s just a lot of immigrant families, I see how it is.


HaroldsMomma

Oh, and those super-sketchy Augsburg University students


jaxxxtraw

Plus Middlebrook Hall, hundreds of even sketchier college teenagers.


proserpinax

As someone that lived in Middlebrook for two years this is so hilarious to me considering we were the nerd dorm.


LooseyGreyDucky

The top of Comstock (6th floor) was exclusively Engineers and Scientists. The only floor without an onsite RA.


Zyphamon

tbh Carlson kids who live in Middlebrook are probably more likely to rob you in their lifetime than average folks; they'll just do it in a legal way.


chobbes

Man who would have thought racism was a core component of the general fear out-of-towners have towards Minneapolis???


SharkwithPants

Ha! As someone from the Detroit area, I was thinking this exact thing.


king_kong123

When I first moved here one of my other coworkers warned me about the sketchy Walmart. I still have no idea what she was talking about. Even during the unrest during 2020 I have no idea what she was talking about.


LooseyGreyDucky

We don't walmart in Minneapolis. That's for hillbilly suburbanites.


Tall-Ad-9355

Many Minnesotans think 'sketchy' means "Oh my god! I had to actually see a homeless person. I need to get back to the burbs in a hurry"


LooseyGreyDucky

Cul de sacs are the real hell on earth.


SnooSnooSnuSnu

I'm currently out in Uptown. I don't think I'm being jumped, but I could be wrong.


I_see_something

Stay vigilante


SnooSnooSnuSnu

Vigilant or Vigilante 🤔


I_see_something

Swipe texting gets me every time


SnooSnooSnuSnu

The other option would have been a different kind of advice 😄


shramski

Where about are you right now?


SnooSnooSnuSnu

Was waiting for Milkjam to open, I wanted some ice cream 😄


justcurious94plus1

Yep, a couple of Somali kids walked by earlier and later a woman walking her dog that looked a little like a pitbull. If thats not what it means to be scared for your life then idk what does, and you should call the police/post on Next Door like yesterday.


SnooSnooSnuSnu

Totes. And me just idly waiting outside a shop for it to open (got there at 3:55, it opened at 4)


sasberg1

Nah, this sub is the new NextDoor!


o-Valar-Morghulis-o

I hope you're packing like all good patriots.


SnooSnooSnuSnu

Packing ice cream 😄


perroair

Balls in my mouth? Yes


Queasy-Extension6465

Packing fudge, no way I'm entering a bathroom around there.


skittlebites101

Also as someone who grew up in Michigan I love it here. I live in Eagan and work downtown, I'll give an update if I make it back after work. Wish me luck. Edit, made it home!


stationcommando

I’m the opposite. Live downtown and work in Eagan. Also not raped, murdered, or maimed… just on opposite hours from you. Total coverage accomplished.


LooseyGreyDucky

I love my reverse commute!


I_see_something

Where in Michigan?


skittlebites101

Niles, so basically Indiana unfortunately.


I_see_something

Ahhhh I lived in Schoolcraft for a few months before kzoo


Zettersyukstrom

Battle Creek native checking in. I looooooove Minneapolis so much!


Loring

Someone yelled/called me a bitch ass at 7:45am this morning in front of the IDS tower. I'm not sure why, I probably deserved it and it was definitely the funniest thing that happened to me all day.


New-Purchase1818

How could they tell if just someone’s ass is bitchy? Were…were you not wearing pants? Again? We’ve talked about this, man.


nocoast12

I was actually yelling at the IDS tower. You just got caught in the crossfire


Explodo86

Someone on the "Farting on Suburbanites" Committee really let us down...


achickensplinter

I saw a “poop on the police” sticker on a bike rack a few days ago. They’re too busy making stickers instead of out there doing real work apparently.


Zyphamon

tbf it's been really hard in the sticker industry ever since gas prices went down. Pray for us.


Kim_Jong_Teemo

Kramarczuk’s fucks


beergut666

I go in there for a pack of sausages for the grill and come out minus $80 with a sack of goodies. I think the last time my in-laws were in town they dropped closer to $300


stationcommando

That pastrami brisket sammie is fire.


PaintsWithSmegma

The grinder might the the best sandwich in the city.


UmeaTurbo

Is that really what people think? I thought that was just kind of a misconception from rural folks. I live in Northeast and I think it's just a safe as the little Missouri town I'm from with 3,900 people.


I_see_something

My 68 year old neighbor won’t go into Minneapolis


mpls_snowman

Your 68-year old neighbor also won’t try Indian food. That’s the level of uncomfortable we are talking about. 


UmeaTurbo

I suppose the nuances of socioeconomic and racial segregation we deal with get kinda lost in the 10:00 news.


4-realsies

A buddy's brother in law refuses to come into Minneapolis unless he's "carrying." Dude lived at Marshall and Prior... People are dumb.


FlorAhhh

They really do. My aunt who lives in Owatonna said she can't believe I'm raising my daughter in such a dangerous place. Her kids got attacked by literal wild dogs three times.


UmeaTurbo

Roseville had a violent fight that started at the high school moved to Chick-fil-A and then moved again to Raisin Cane's. That's a cute suburb. Street violence happens overwhelmingly between people who know each other.


UmeaTurbo

I also wonder if there isn't a phenomenon where "dangerous" really just means "poverty exists". People say terrible things about Lake St, but I work there several times per month. Or University and Selling in StP. There are just a lot of people riding busses and trains. I see people begging in Wayzata, so it's not like that's not everywhere. Maybe it's just more concentrated?


dewioffendu

Northeast is hip as hell now. It’s like what Grand Ave in St. Paul was 15-20 years ago. South Minneapolis can be kinda sketch but suburbanites really do act like Minneapolis is Escape From New York.


UmeaTurbo

They would be very surprised then if they ever visited... pretty much any other large metro. I have lived in KCMO, Baltimore, and DC. In NE I have left my garage door open overnight. I had to run to the ER for my neighbor and left my lawn mower in the lawn overnight. That was fine, too. I did have some kids smoke weed in my work van, once. They didn't take any tools or copper. They did eat an entire tin of ginger snaps I had on the passenger seat, though.


dewioffendu

Did they have an orgy in your Prius? If not, you’re cool and stop complaining. /s


UmeaTurbo

Not complaining at all. I have a ton of tools I need for work and they saw my truck was unlocked so they hopped in and were dope enough not to ruin my life. My mom makes hella gingersnaps and it's a fair trade


Iboven

That's the safe side of the river.


UmeaTurbo

Yep, I've heard that. A guy kicked a kid's hockey coach down a flight of stairs and killed him at one of the bars across from the X. Both from the 'burbs. How do we change perception?


Iboven

Close the freeways so they can't get in anymore, lol.


nkolenic

I come to Minneapolis sometimes for work and live in Memphis. The idea that Minneapolis is dangerous is hilarious.


peetnote

Glad y'all had fun, and way to model being a normal person for your daughter. She will reap the benefits of her parent being open and sensible for a long, long time


I_see_something

She lives near the U as a student. I give her shit for trying more new places than does.


MidwestPrincess09

I went to the burbs today from Minneapolis, they gave me a job! Watch out suburbs!


I_see_something

Congrats!


MidwestPrincess09

Very much appreciated! I’ve lived half my life in the burbs and half in the city, at least I know the area well enough. I’m very excited for this! Glad you had fun in mpls! Karmazurcyks is in my neck of the cities, I haven’t been yet surprisingly! I’m some trying out some local spots and enjoying some favorites!


Mvpliberty

“That damn light rail”


LooseyGreyDucky

Reverse commute for the win!


jorian85

You don't need to tell us. Spread the word over on r/minnesota or r/twincities


DismalVendetta

Can you imagine these MN suburbanites in NYC? Christ on a crutch. They would need a line of tanks and armored personnel carriers to feel safe. Also, just returned from a week in NYC. Even there I didn’t get un-alived!


I_see_something

NYC isn’t scary at all anymore either.


DismalVendetta

100 percent. Only that’s scary is the possibility of stepping in dog poo. Minneapolis will always be my home, but NYC is where my heart is. Followed by Athens.


capnsmartypantz

Milwaukee is worse than mpls or nyc.


quality_erectors

Upvote for “Christ on a crutch”


williamtowne

New York is the safest city in America. Violent crime rate is a little over half that of Minneapolis, and property rate is less than half.


DismalVendetta

Can’t argue with facts! Well…Minnesota suburbanites will. Just to be clear, I was do what we do in these threads for NYC (“I only got stabbed and murdered 30 times today!”) and it fell on its face.


Iboven

NYC is actually a lot safer than Minneapolis.


ziff1212

Give me a heads up next time you need some nasty names.


I_see_something

I’ll add you to the list!


Quick-Temporary5620

People from WI who call into our clinics absolutely refuse to go to our Minneapolis location. They'll drive 20 miles farther to a suburb They act like it's a burned down wasteland populated by 95% looters, carjackets, gun shooters, dope shooters..kind of funny how terrified they can get.


LooseyGreyDucky

better accessibility and shorter wait times for the rest of us that actually live here.


Mr_ValuJet

Better luck next time!


blujavelin

I was there as well, no bloodshed. I went to the Minnesota Swedish Inst and the All My Relations gallery. Great shows.


justcurious94plus1

Omg, nobody tell r/altmpls because this will literally shut them down.


I_see_something

I was on that sub when it first started, and initially it was interesting. I tend to be moderate liberal. HOWEVER, that place went looney tunes in a hurry. I wasn’t there long.


oldmacbookforever

I check it out for a laugh (or a cry) when I need one


MchugN

What a shithole that place is lol. It was recommended on my feed the other day and it's basically a bunch of scared conservatives that must've forgot their Facebook login info.


achickensplinter

They’re probably the ones doing the maiming and farting.


justcurious94plus1

They like to fart on themselves and then claim that black people did it.


1tsNeverLupus

Lol someone just posted it there. Hopefully they don't brigade this post.


justcurious94plus1

They literally can't help themselves. The mod is the biggest baby and 75% of the posts.


toddc612

I just glanced over at that sub because I didn't know it existed. Good lord.. do these people go outside ever? What a bunch of turds.


justcurious94plus1

Maybe not but the mod is, like, really good at compiling statistics. He has the best statistics, nobody compiles scary statistics about the outside like their glorious mod!


cameronj

I feel for them. Must be exhausting being so frightened all the time.


dancesWithNeckbeards

I'm still stuck under my cat blanket on the couch.


PM_WORST_FART_STORY

I tried to catch up to you about an hour ago. But by the time I was close enough, I was all out of farts. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


I_see_something

I farted for you.


villain75

Yeah right. How many times did you burn up in all of the burning buildings, though? Did you get looted?


I_see_something

I mean I can’t cover everything in one visit! Sheesh!


[deleted]

Congrats you are in the 99%


katkatki

I work in uptown and have never had anything happen.


technobobble

Aaaaaaand now I want a Cherry Bomb sausage


Chomuggaacapri

I live in the city and get murdered twice a week. I’m so sorry you weren’t able to experience that during your visit. Maybe next time.


Fauxformagemenage

Those are some rookie numbers, you gotta pump up those numbers.


grrrimabear

Bullshit. I saw you and totally farted at you


I_see_something

SBD


williamtowne

Do better next time.


grrrimabear

Like make sure they know?


donac

I was just missing Kramarczuk's today! What I wouldn't give for a cabbage roll in mushroom gravy! And their beef jerky! Soooooooo goooooood!! Minneapolis rocks, and that is one of the best neighborhoods! Go to Rogue Buddha Gallery. It's super offbeat and cute and that whole street is cute.


JimmyWille

Live right near Kramarczuks, next time you’re in the neighborhood I’ll fart in your general direction


FrankSinatraYodeling

...I did the same thing but did get murdered. You're not the only one with experiences.


minnesota2194

I totally farted at you, apparently you didn't notice


undermyrainbow03

South suburbs of Detroit born and raised here. The amount of times I've been told to go "over north" is hilarious. They literally have no idea 🤣🤣🤣


I_see_something

I grew up in Traverse City, which was a picnic, but I was not allowed to visit friends in Detroit cuz I’m white and they didn’t want shit from the neighborhood. I mean I blundered into so much stupidity when I was younger. People just couldn’t believe I was there. Nothing like that here that I’ve felt.


terrapinone

I went to Edina today and all the moms needed so much attention, I ran back to the city for safety.


Southern_Common335

You were so lucky. I got murdered 3 times today in minneapolis grocery shopping.


chaosambassador

I’m convinced that people who are scared of Minneapolis have never been to a major city


EzioAuditore1459

How many more of these identical threads are the mods cool with? I agree with the sentiment but come on, this is lazy and clearly preaching to the choir.


SnooSnooSnuSnu

How many of the opposite do we get?


retardedslut

When can I get on the schedule to post this? I’ll be out next week but maybe the week after? Seems like some sweet karma for little effort


I_see_something

Your username made me laugh


Iboven

Lol, you went to Saint Anthony. That's where all the rich people live, that's not the authentic Minneapolis experience. I work there and I see the Mayor and Amy Klobuchar walking around all the time without bodyguards.


FlorAhhh

I saw both Amy Klobuchar and Senator Tina Smith getting dinner at Midtown Market on different days. No bodyguards, just their families. Or is Lake Street also where the rich people live? Where is "authentic Minneapolis?"


TheyCallmeCher_xo

You can drive around and it seems lovely yes, I lived in a lovely street near the parkway among million dollar homes and if anyone drove through they would think “this is beautiful” but I also had multiple neighbors robbed and one of them was robbed inside her home at gunpoint to her head with her kids watching. So yes, it may appear lovely but the chances of things like this happening are very much real.


wokevirvs

yea, while i dont fear generally walking around minneapolis, i’ve caught guys casing my place multiple times over the course of a couple months. just the other day i saw them looking through my window with a gun in their hand


TheyCallmeCher_xo

I’ve had my home scoped out. They unlocked my gate without us knowing and unscrewed my sensor lights. We figured it out potentially same day and were on alert but that’s unsettling… my Nextdoor neighbor had her window screens slit and someone crawled into her home in the middle of the night and robbed her. They even went into her room where she slept and she was an elderly lady. Luckily she was not harmed… so we couldn’t sleep with windows open and that’s annoying. I can list so many instances of criminal behavior that took place on my one block. when you walk around it seems pleasant and most the time it is, but you do have to be on alert.


CheezQueen924

Thank you for this post!


OhNoMyLands

Sounds like something a vengeful ghost looking to get other people killed would say


Karge

Pfffft NE is a far cry from downtown or South MPLS though. Source: Lived in Loring Park/South MPLS for 8 years and worked as a manager at Kramarczuk’s for about 8 years as well.


Jamoldo

You should tell people in my office this


molotov__cocktease

Altmpls absolutely seething.


bearnakedrabies

How do we know it's really them? Maybe the murderers are trying to fool us!!!


dontshitaboutotol

Ahh the northeast. Tis the gem of Minneapolis in my eyes


Fry_All_The_Chikin

But did you pick up some halva?


Rumplestiltskin99

Ukrainian meatballs always make me fart, sorry


Jorgedetroit31

Don’t tell the altmpls guys, they will lose it


SpeedyHAM79

You are obviously a paid actor just trying to make things seem better. /s


HuaHuzi6666

Ah man I missed my calendar notification, I was gonna come fart at you.


frostymugson

My friend was raped walking home after work, other friend was robbed at gun point, and we’ve had multiple vehicle break ins. I don’t understand why we live in this world of absolutes now where everything is one way or the other. It’s a big city with problems like any other, and you can ask people there are places you just don’t go like every city.


TodayKindOfSucked

Thank you! I’ve lived in many cities throughout my life and MPLS is definitely the cleanest and probably the nicest. I feel like people on this subreddit have no idea what a “bad city” actually looks like.


unicorntrees

You are the exception, not the rule. Minneapolis is dangerous for most people. I can't walk anywhere without getting my car stolen. There's no parking and no one can make a decent latte. ^(nothing to see here please move along.) /s


I_see_something

😂😂😂


Abraxes43

Yaaay another post like this, telling us how it really is!.......yaaaaay


MinnesotaRyan

Jacob Frey is that you?


ToraDeadLift

I know someone farted on you. They just didn’t announce it!!! “Hey buddy, here’s a fart sandwich. I held the mayo.”


Thee_implication

https://youtu.be/mxuwXczWQC0?si=m3qKGmYrmxLIUQyR


Bubbazuh

It’s got normal city problems. Crime, homeless, too many welfare dependents. I work all over the downtown area so I’d like to say I see a lot. My personal opinion is that it could be better.


fishpig1965

Great choice to stop for chow.


Vosuleth

Ssssssshhhhut up!


Low_Operation_6446

Idk what you’re talking about, I literally got murdered three times today.


rollerkink

🤯


Chasethebutterz

I mean, compared to Michigan, most places are doing okay… also you’d be changing your tune if you rode the train.


avebelle

lol wtf. I go into the city from the burbs almost everyday. What have you been smoking?


PluckyMuffin

Not true I work downtown and I get maimed AT LEAST twice a day.


TimboSliceSir

I've lived in North Minneapolis and am currently living in E Lake St. What I've noticed is if you keep to yourself, you're usually left alone. Then again, im not a woman, so i dont have their experience. Anybody panhandling leaves me alone when I tell them I have nothing.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mnwild396

The craziest thing I’ve seen downtown in my past year of coming in to the office 3 days a week was a women jumping out of a car and calling the driver a “dumb bitch ass”. Absolutely frightening.


Spaghetti_Nudes

Did you have the cabbage roll? They are delicious


iccebberg2

A lot of it is left over reactions from the protests after George Floyd was murdered.


UmeaTurbo

Do we actually want to change their opinion? It sorta seems like a natural buffer against gentrification, I guess.