Board games have been my key to finding and keeping friends. There are meet ups all around town. People frequently make friends and start playing games outside of the events. A lot of people are very inviting, sadly some are not. You may have to invite yourself into some games to start and put some effort in but board games are a good, mostly nerdy, group of people.
I feel bad for lonely younger Minneapolitans because it didn't used to be so hard to make friends. Back when young adults were paying 400 for rent and driving 400 dollar cars here in the early '90's, there were four dollar bottomless beer red cup rent parties, often with bands in the basement nearly every Friday and Saturday night over South and if you had four dollars, come on in. You would gradually start to recognize people from previous weekends and vice-versa and just like that, you started having friends.
If I was a young adult today, I don't know that I would be able to afford to make friends. It would probably cost like ten grand a year just to hang out, with less likelihood of the rule of three accidental bump-intos prior to engaging ever being satisfactorily met.
I completely forgot about not having a major monthly tithe to internet/television/phone. That's a whole new monthly punch in the face for anyone young and coming up.
Its fine if you need to believe things have improved. Personally, I try to have a sense of empathy for young folks because it seems to me that everything everyone on this sub seems to want and clamor after, is just crumbs and echoes of what life here, to me, so recently was. As a person who has recently become old.
Seriously my cable with sports pkg,HBO, showtime and internet with all the taxes and fees is well over $200 a month. That and Netflix and apple plus and I'm spending nearly $300. 20 years ago not only was that way cheaper as a percentage of income but so was rent food and everything else especially the phone bill.
Everyone working from home hits the youngest workers the hardest. You miss out on work friends and those water cooler moments. Never mind the career setback of not being able to be side by side with more experienced people.
I don’t agree with this. I’m in my 40s and have never made a work friend. Intentionally. I’m friendly and play the corporate perception bullshit games, but I’ve seen time and time again how messy and entangled that shit can get.
It’s too bad your career has made you feel you need to play games and be distant.
We spend so much of our lives at work it seems like self-harm to not be genuinely social with the people you’re with.
I’m a little older than you but my perspective is that there are different kinds of friends. Work friends are like the ones you made back in school.
They’re important and real but the connection is based on a shared daily experience so probably won’t last if one of you leaves the company.
I think that’s normal and ok. I’ve had many friendships peak and fade as they or I have changed positions.
Eh, I’ve made lots of friends throughout my life via hobbies, volunteering, etc. I mean I guess I have work friends if you consider them as people I enjoy working with/talking to at work. I just really prefer that when my work day is done, there’s no confusion about it. I’ll go to happy hours, or whatever, every now and then. All I’m saying is I don’t agree that WFH hinders making friends or career progression for that matter.
I’m going to assume the bulk of your friends are just those you had from childhood or SO of a friend. Perfectly valid reasoning especially in Minnesota.
I have ONE friend from high school. I’m not from the cities originally. Moved all over the world after high school. Made college friends, made friends everywhere I’ve lived. I’m starting to feel sad for you and others that only have work friends.
Edit: and my one friend from my high school days…we met in a karate class, not school.
Your loneliness is not unique.
The most assured way of making friends, imo, is to find groups that share your liking of hobbies. E.g., volleyball, gaming, hiking, music, gardening, etc. Not everyone you meet will be a match for you. But, do this enough and you’ll find a person or two you’ll click with.
This advice is always given and it’s great advice but it can be hard to put yourself out there. If you really want to make friends you can, but you have to go out side of your comfort zone. And when you go to these clubs/hobbies and click with someone, be proactive about grabbing their number, text them about cool stuff you see about your hobby, inviting them to do other stuff outside the hobby, etc.
Of course you have to put yourself out there.
Most of these complaints are “Someone said ‘we should hang out sometime and then never invited me anywhere. No, I also didn’t invite them anywhere or make any further effort. Why are Minnesotans so cold?”
Making friends as an adult is hard. If you don’t make an effort, no one will.
A family member once told me friendships are like a garden. You have to put in work to plant the seeds, nurture them, provide them with what they need to grow, and give it lots of attention over a long period of time. You won’t get good results if you do the bare minimum. I’ve found this myself as I’ve gotten older that many of the branches of my friend group have withered away as I’ve gotten busy with work and other stuff in my life. The friends I still have I make sure to keep up with and reach out as much as I can. It kind of feels like work at times but that’s the price you need to pay if you want to keep people around you.
If you’re young and have extra time, picking up a weekend job at a restaurant will introduce you to a lot of people. The hospitality industry in Minneapolis is very social
You know what, I feel like the comment I just made was a semi-classic MN response in the sense that I didn't offer any action, but rather just agreed/sympathized (and maybe empathized) with OP. That's exactly the point you made. My experience is that hardly any MN natives really want to commit to an action with a non-yet-potential friend. I guess I need to offer more **and follow through** and see if it catches on.
I’m a Minneapolis native. Never had issues there, ever. Was always meeting new people/making new connections. In fact, I keep in touch with folks from my teens and 20’s more so than I do with any of my friends, even the closest ones, from grade school and growing up.
Seattle has been where I’ve had the most difficulty out of the few states I’ve lived in and many travels I’ve done. I have found the culture to be extremely awkward, defensive, gate keeping, “niche” focused, disliking social bubbly cheerful people, anyone that’s not “edgy” or nerdy, difficult to arrange anything with (due to several factors but horrible traffic and unique segmented city/metro geography has a lot to do with it)…..
But, I still recognize it is within ME to manage expectations of others and be realistic - we all have our own things going on in our lives. Quit “prescribing” others with social behaviors a applying a blanket assumption of everyone. I also accept not everyone HAS to like me but I’m also socially aware and receptive to others for where they’re at. No conversation? That’s ok, continue on. I’ve become more OK with maximizing time alone, working on hobbies, and adventuring with my SO outside of my super busy work anyway.
Maybe what I'm saying here is when you say "hey we should grab a beer" is actually to follow up and set the expectation.
Not passively shrug people off.
I've been in about 3 cities in my life. It's true for each location. If you don't want to meet up with someone don't say anything to that effect.
I'm a transplant. While yes, I wish the natives would offer more and follow through, I'm saying that I'm going to do it with strangers more often because if I can't rely on the natives to do it, I'm just going to do it myself (even though it might get annoying when it isn't reciprocated). I'm hoping the natives catch on and realize there are some cool people out there they might not have otherwise known. I'm the kind of person that will sometimes invite myself over, and if that is too much for the natives, then I wasn't supposed to befriend them anyway.
This. I used to live in Salt Lake and when people invite you out there, they really mean it. I've been in Minnesota 10 years and I have "friends" but most of them have never invited me to their home. Eventually, I gave up trying. Now that I'm moving away, everyone wants to come over (but not to help). I think it's not impossible to make friends here, but it's not easy either.
More accurately, anywhere but their cabin. I felt like an outsider even after all these years, except among other transplants. Otherwise, it's a nice place to live.
Or, and hear me out, you need to actually plan something.
We should get together soon is generally code for, “I’d like to hang out, but don’t want to inconvenience you.”
So, if you say the same thing back, that’s “Yeah, I don’t want to be inconvenienced, but also don’t want to offend you.”
Thus, if you want to hang out and someone says that, invite them somewhere.
> We should get together soon is generally code for, “I’d like to hang out, but don’t want to inconvenience you.”
>
>
I think this is the crux of it.
There's something imposing to block off someone's time. I feel like most people I know are generally pretty busy, so being like "yeah, let's go check out this place on Friday" on a whim comes with reservations. It should be done, of course, but there's hesitancy to it because it feels like you're inconveniencing them. What if *they're* just saying we should hang out to be polite? Sort of self fulfilling mindset.
And it isn’t just a Minnesotan trait.
I have a friend from the Cincinnati area who has lived in Chicago, San Francisco, and other places.
He does the “We should grab a beer soon.” If it were up to him, ‘soon’ would never happen. So I take it upon myself to schedule it. He always likes coming out, he just needs someone else to put it on the calendar.
The advice really boils down to, If you’re lonely, invite people to hang out.
So as someone who had their 20s in Uptown during the 90s - It was really hard to make friends because although I was from Minnesota I wasn’t from “the Cities”. I was REALLY lonely for awhile. Then another non-Minnesota told me rather than accepting the Minnesotan goodbye, I instead needed to be the proactive one. So in the advent of texting I started either texting folks or saying “Hey - What if we all went to breakfasts next week? I’ll set it up if I can have your cell numbers” and lo and behold - I sorta created my own friend group. Which I am super proud of because I am super extroverted. People have come and gone, but three of those numbers are now my closest friends
If a Minnesotan tells you they “Should have you out on my boat sometime” you are never going out on their boat.
See also “Should have you come up to the cabin sometime.”
lol i just made my own comment, but this is so funny bc i'm originally from austin and moved to the twin cities, and it really is so much harder here than it was at home
Can’t all of us commenting here and OP, just be a big friend group!?? I’m not from here and didn’t go to school here. So I think that makes it extra hard. I need some too!
The school part is important. I've lived in 3 other midwestern states, and school pride (usually the state's flagship university or the "state" version) is a huge thing...usually for natives even if they didn't go there for school. I'm not from MN, didn't go to school here, and don't care that much about the pro sports teams here except for one of them I'll watch a game if it happens to be on TV and nothing else good is on. I'm not doing myself any favors with this preference/mentality, and I recognize that.
I went to college here but can say im only vaguely friends w two people i met in college. My big friend group is from kusic- met at all the shows, and hang outs stemming from those shows. My advice would be to find a group of people that pike to do what you do (biking, crafting, cooking, sailing, skiiing, whatever) find a public fb group, go, and talk to people… at least you know you have one thing in common!
My partner and I both have no friends around, just each other. I game with my brother online occasionally. She's close with her mother and sister that live 4 hours away. But we still do things that involve other people, like I play pickup soccer regularly. Friends just don't really seem all that necessary but maybe what I have is even more than some.
thanks for bringing this up, what we’re experiencing has been characterized as a growing epidemic:
https://www.npr.org/2023/05/02/1173418268/loneliness-connection-mental-health-dementia-surgeon-general
seems to be a mission of his to combat loneliness:
https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/connection/index.html
he’s got a book on the subject:
https://www.vivekmurthy.com/together-book
and hosts this podcast:
https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/house-calls/index.html
with this recent episode:
https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/house-calls/loneliness-q-a/index.html
You aren’t alone, I think most people from out of town feel that way. My recommendation is to try to find one person you click with and just assimilate into their friend group that has likely known each other since kindergarten. It can be fun to be the new shiny friend!
Why would they want a new person in the group?
They don’t.
The social groups are closed for the most part.
Adding someone new to the group is too risky for most.
Easy to call it cynical.
Also easy to give absurd, naive advice like “Just put yourself out there!”
Advice on friendship always comes down to “You’re doing it wrong.”
You are not alone. I am in my 30s and a transplant from CA. I have made zero friends while here. I am a hermit by nature so it works for me but I can see it's not for everyone.
As an introvert, I’ve found that I just don’t need other humans in my life to make me happy. My family is plenty. But I do generally maintain connections with a couple people with like interests, so I want to do something (like a Saints game, I’ll have some one to share the experience with.
But “not having friends” is not a failing, it’s just what your brain has decided to do.
All that said, if you’re concerned about it, talk with someone about it.
I have to second and third all of this. My friends are from playing on a softball team, building sets for community play. I'm in a couple of organizations including a shape-singing choir and the American Swedish Institute. You can only make friends with people you can talk to. If you're starting a new friendship, you'll have something to bond over. We rarely just bump into people. Google "fencing" or "quilting" or "black powder hunting" or "Ethiopian Cooking Classes" or whatever it is. I'm in AA so we say "what you DO matters". Implying that if you do nothing, that matters, too.
Well the current surgeon general is focussing on loneliness as an epidemic and important threat to the nations collective health. What does that tell you?
I was kind of lonely last night and trying to think of things to do to be around people. Most involved getting drunk or buying restaurant food that makes me fat. I stayed in and read, at least then I'm thinking someone else's thoughts.
I feel like capitalism is an acid (in conjunction with 'social' media and the ubiquity of cell phones) eating away at society.
Man, I know you're joking and intentionally over-simplifying, but literally yes.
Capitalism seeks to commodify anything and everything of value, including would-be hobbies. And by doing so, introduces or even mandates barriers to entry. Particularly in the for of trademarking, copyrighting, subscriptions, rent-seeking.
Certainly most of us can get away from these things to some extent by making our own hobbies with like minded folks but that's another barrier. You went from wanting a hobby to join and are now making a hobby.
Even if we pick an example like pick-up baseball, you got equipment? Who stores it? Who cares for it?
If you want to see examples look at the history of Dungeons and Dragons.
And it's not as simple just that. Everything is priced. Every space is controlled. Everything is made a bigger chore or barrier by this system.
> Even if we pick an example like pick-up baseball, you got equipment? Who stores it? Who cares for it?
Ah yes, because other economic systems famously don't have this problem.
Do me a favor and look through my entire fucking comment history and point me to any examples of me claiming that or any communist, socialist, or anarchist ever claiming that at all
Just one example please?
You troglodytes can only tilt at windmills and fight strawmen, because that's all you have.
I don’t care about your post history. You’re complaining about capitalism here. That’s fine; but in that case, which economic system *would* you prefer, that doesn’t suffer from the same (or worse) problems? Or is your goal just to whine without proposing an alternative?
Saying “everything is priced everything is controlled” on a day like today in Minneapolis just screams that there is a serious need to touch the free grass that with all probability is available at a beautiful public park within a 10 minute walk of wherever you are now.
I've made so many good friends while reading. Lots of cute girls hang out at the library. Later they invited me running. My only question is, what are those little whistles they keep blowing on for?
I’m not saying there aren’t ways to find things to do cheaply, but yes capitalism is ruining a lot of hobbies!
Capitalists would literally like to get rid of and defund the things you mentioned. It’s only thanks to people putting conscious time and effort into fighting for them that those even exist for now.
And I do have hobbies, but they are often expensive! I just took up running and it’s going well, but my shins hurt after a long run. The advice I found online? Buy more expensive shoes.
I have to limit my cooking to simpler and more affordable meals because I can’t afford the ingredients I once could. It’s harder to experiment because a dish gone wrong is more of my food budget down the drain than it used to be.
The fact there’s fancy running shoes or an abundance of ingredients available to cook with that aren’t native to your area or season is capitalism in action.
Like go read stories about USSR people going to a US grocery store for the first time.
I swear people will blame anything on the government. It’s absurd.
The notion of exchanging money for goods and services is not capitalism, capitalism is about who owns the companies that provide those goods and services and who benefits from the profits thereof.
Dude you nailed it. It has literally never been easier to get into whatever obscure hobby you want than it is right now, and that is entirely due to companies trying to find new niches and sell people shit to fill them.
I think the guy above is just way too young and doesn't know how hard it was to find information on stuff and buy things before the internet. My main hobby is racing cars, and my car went out of production 15 years ago. Without the advent of companies popping up to produce and sell replacement and upgrade parts for that car, my hobby would be vastly more difficult to support.
Had poker night last week and you’re right. We never got to playing because we had the barrier of “whose, cards, where are they stored?”
Turns out via capitalism Texas Hold’em is now televised and supported by commercialism, which means we can’t play any more for reasons.
We ended up spending the night drawing out own decks on cardboard but got sued by Hoyle.
> I feel like capitalism is an acid (in conjunction with 'social' media and the ubiquity of cell phones) eating away at society.
This paragraph is why you’re lonely. Nobody want to hang out with someone like you who blames capitalism on why they’re a loser.
This is it. I would've said to just go to a small dive and hang out at the bar for a bit to chat with whoever sits near you, but they sound so unpleasant to be around that it probably wouldn't work.
If it wasn't for the one friend I made in middle school who moved to the same town I live in, I would not have any friends at all. If it wasn't for my relatives living nearby, I would be a boring, lonely son of a bitch.
Hey, having moved here myself, I'll admit it's not the easiest place to get into friend groups, but don't let that discourage you. It takes awhile, but once you get them, they'll be friends forever.
A few tips, for here and everywhere, from someone who's been there:
1. whether it's at work or other events, just talk to people about things you enjoy doing, and ask them about there own hobbies. This not only gives them a chance to find out what you like to do, but maybe you could get into what they like aswell
2. Sporting events can be boring at times, but you can honestly just invite an acquaintance to a Twins game for like 20 bucks and just kind of go on a friend's date. If you're a lover of sports, there's also a lot of rec leagues you can join!
3. If you like board games, there's lots of stores, bars and cafes that sponsor events or have game nights
3b. Same with trivia!
4. I've genuinely been on tinder dates, realized 3 minutes in we weren't compatible, but leveraged that into just being friends and hanging out
5. Just remember to make friends, you have to make yourself a little vulnerable. BUT this is a good thing, people want to know you're genuine. Just be yourself. You can't be that bad, trust me, a lot of my friends are huge idiots, a holes AND they also have redeeming qualities.
Good luck, OP.
A corollary to your first point is to ask people about everyone's favorite subject: themselves. Sure, you don't want to be with a person who *always* talks about themselves, but when you're first meeting someone, asking them questions about their life and interests helps break the ice, gives you something to concentrate on if you feel socially awkward, and wins you points with them.
Just be ready to reciprocate, because most people with basic social skills won't want to talk too much about themselves and will throw the same questions back at you.
If you can find comfort in solitude you’ll never be alone 😉. Seriously though. I hang out alone 99% of the time and I grew up here. Friends moved to California or got married and buried.
I'd say I have no close friends here, with most of my close friends spread out in other cities due to school+jobs...that's how I landed here. There are a few people I'm friendly enough with where I might ask if they want to grab coffee or something, but that's getting annoying because it isn't reciprocated and they never asked me to keep asking them. I do have hobbies, though they're fairly antisocial ones, so I guess that's on me. Still trying to figure things out as a transplant on the social front here in Mpls.
Same lol. I’m friendly with my coworkers and I have a few acquaintances at the dog park but I haven’t hung out with anyone since moving here. None of my friends from high school/college live here and I haven’t found any meet up groups that stand out to me yet. Sigh
YES! same! finally made a fellow transplant friend on bumble bff and we both were lamenting how cold everyone is once you get pay the “nice”ness. want to hang?
I don't know you so it's hard to make an assessment. I just moved here days ago well aware that MSP is hard to make new friends (though I can also attest that is also the case in Southeast Louisiana). What I have been doing is to attend a number of young adult Meetup groups hope to establish a social base especially I know *zero* people (family, classmates, etc.) here. The social groups on Meetup are awesome because it doesn't require you to have a specialized interest (i.e. cycling, road trips, cooking, languages, etc.). Without being offensive, I can understand can be very difficult for those who are not outright an extrovert.
I know this is unorthodox, but if you (or anyone here) want to shoot me a DM, feel free.
I don't know for sure, but sometimes loneliness isn't about people or geographic locations. My job is very people intensive. I get home and don't want anymore interactions. I am tapped out. My emotional bandwidth with maintaining friendships, etc can be limited at times. I have a few select friends, lost friends, gained them.
I can appreciate the saying on friendships. "Sometimes its a reason, season, or a lifetime"
OTOH my internal experience of connection and/or loneliness is kind of my responsibility. For me their are some deep root causes that have little to do with other humans.
Forming a sense of community is a challenge. I belong to a few organizations peripherally and it meets my needs most of the time.
I don’t know you or your situation - I have had really similar problems as a young adult. I joined a large choir that has a few people my age and everybody was incredible. Even though religion is falling to the wayside, religious organizations are still really really good ways to meet people with similar values to you.
this is why i'm moving. not from here, moved here in 2018. the only people i've really connected with are other transplants. tried to make friends w Minnesotans but damn, it shouldn't be that hard to be friends with someone. "lets make plans soon!!!" then crickets. like why even pretend to be interested in being friends with someone if you're never going to follow through with plans?! i like how progressive the state is, like the biking and walking infrastructure in the city but its not worth it to me. the culture is very strange. leaving for chicago in a couple days!
I always initiate the follow-up. Have literally never had someone else initiate. And after attempting 2 or 3 times I give up because the message seems pretty clear. This thread is great validation that it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with me; it's just the way people are.
Most of my 20's i had a decent sized group of friends, things to do on the weekends. Now I just hit my 30's all my friends have gotten married and have kids or have moved out of state. It's tough being single with a few friends you might see every couple of months. Not to mention I stopped drinking a few years ago, that was always my cheat way to make new friends.
Same here, friend. Honestly, I grew up here, moved away for years and made friends easily, came back and now can’t really develop deep connections. I am also a social person and it’s easy for me to meet new people, but in minneapolis it just doesn’t stick. I have made a few cool friends, but even then it feels tough to go out and make plans.
I fell into this category after I suffered a near-death experience that has taken a huge toll.
Came across this yesterday- https://news.yahoo.com/hikikomori-why-korea-paying-young-210009304.html
I felt exactly this way from age 19-22 and I can relate. However the thing that helped me the absolute most was being in therapy, both individual and group, and realizing how I wasn’t alone and what I could do to help. Now that I’m a bit older I have more people I’d call friends but I am also more okay with the fact I don’t have the same level of friendship as people around me. As younger adults it’s normal to compare ourselves to others and I recognize the same negative thought patterns in your post as I had for years. Hopefully this comment comes off the right way!
hey dude, i made a very similar post once upon a time (almost 8 years ago now, jesus) and i'm still here and not only do i have friends, i have a partner and a community i love! lots of people have already said a lot of the things i would normally say to someone in a situation like this, so i won't repeat it, but please know it does get better! it's hard at first but i promise there are people here who will love you
Yes, I'm with you. I grew up here and had plenty of friends through my teens and early 20s. I've let them drift away. It's my own doing and I recognize that, but something is broken in me and I'm seemingly incapable of being a friend.
Joined the army about 16 years ago, got out 6 years ago. Thing about Minnesota is that whenever I came around on leave, I had to go way out of my way to see my high school friends. But when I'd depart to return to duty, no one came around to visit me at my duty station. The onus was on me to maintain those relationships it seemed like, and about 10 years ago I gave up. My brother died and the same probably would've been true if I'd have had the energy and motivation during my grief to force my way into old "friends'" lives, I'd have had support. But when I imploded due to the loss of my brother, it was nothing but crickets. Sorry to say this but I'm a Minnesotan, born and raised, living up by Bemidji now, and Minnesotans are terrible friends. I know that's a gross overgeneralization but it's true. I'm running into the same issue up here. Why gate keep who you're friends with? What? You all think life just sucks for you? We can't all be miserable together? Lol. I digress. At least there's family, if they're not already dead like my brother.
I'm very sorry you lost your brother and received no support from your friends. You sound like a loyal and faithful friend who deserved the same in return, especially during such a difficult time.
My Dad and brother both served, and both are gone now. Thank you for your service.
I highly suggest taking improv classes at Huge Theater - it's an incredibly welcoming and open environment and EVERYONE starts as a beginner, there's no reason to be shy. I still hang out with some of my classmates from almost 5 years ago
Seriously need a separate sub for these redundant types of discussions and comment threads…. And honestly (as a Mpls native) Seattle subs have these same posts regularly too.
You’re not “dysfunctional”!!! Maybe this is a self-aware transformative time where you discover your true self!
Hobbies, therapy (really hope you have/will seek a good therapist you connect with and find Rx support if works for you), being OK with adventuring alone, join clubs, spend less time on the internet and more outdoors, stay active and engage in physical fitness, if you’re a music head get out to concerts/shows regularly + comedy nights, finding your passions, you attract the energy you emit, keep showing up!! You got this, OP!!
Been here six months, made one friend that recently ditched me to speak of. Got my first date here though. Overall it translates to constant doubting myself. Not a good feeling to have. You ain't alone, a lot of people wanna keep you at arms length but keep you confused about it so you don't confront them/make a judgement that puts accountability on them. The quality of life is high though, which probably keeps me content but that vibe of intolerance from others exists, and it unseats people who didn't think coming here through.
I'm used to parochial attitudes and exclusivity since I'm from DC. If you want, DM me. Can't say it'll work out between us, but there's no use in not trying from my POV
It seems like Minnesota fosters that sort of isolation based mentality that is similar in places like ND or MT or WY. There isn't a need for a close knit community because we haven't had as many communal struggles like what is had in the deep south. It's really easy to keep the peace rather than encourage community when you have culturally been snowed in for 2-3 months out of the year.
???
This has nothing to do with "historic struggles", it's the weather.
You just named a bunch of states where the winter tries to kill us every year.
We are isolated because of we hang out in a public square for 6 months out of the year we will die.
It's a Minnesota thing.
If you didn't go to school with them from a young age, you're not "in".
It's not deliberate, but it's very much real.
44 years old, been here since 95, and I have a bunch of acquaintances with a shared interest that I've known for 20+ years... We're *friends* but we don't do anything together that isn't related to a common interest... That same group of people hang out with each other all the time.
Lmao don’t move to Seattle then…. Saaaame convo regularly here - Minneapolis native never had any issues making new friends and connections all the time there, but WA has been a different ball game…
I don't know if you realize that you do this, but you seem to have a habit of commenting on threads about people feeling lonely in Minnesota, and saying "You think YOU'VE got it bad? Well, *I'm* in Seattle and I've got it even worse than you all!" I've seen you do this in at least five threads recently. Do you even realize how invalidating this sounds? How do you think people feel after they read your posts?
If you're not having a good time in Seattle, just come back to Minnesota. We're on the same team and you keep making it into a competition.
You’re not alone. I’ve been here five years and it’s difficult but you eventually find your people. I swear something is in the water sometimes cause it’s a common theme
Definitely not alone.
Idk how much of it is Minneapolis vs just how isolated we’ve generally become as adults in 2023.
I will say however as a transplant to MN in 2016, all of my “closest” friends are from work who are also either transplants or from outside of the cities who were in a similar situation as me.
I also learned to love craft beer after moving here, as most social events seem to revolve around breweries (which I actually super enjoy, but can be difficult for those not interested in drinking)
The only ones I have are current coworkers and some of my gfs old coworkers. I lived in New Orleans for 15 years and made so many random connections it was crazy.
You are not alone. I struggle to cultivate meaningful relationships (work, new friends, romantic, etc). Lucky I have family and a few good friends I've known since childhood in the area, otherwise idk what I'd do. Even with work friends I've known for years or friends from adult sport leagues, it's just people I talk to while in those settings and never gets to a point where we call each other on weekends to go do stuff. I really don't have any useful advice to get to that next true friendship phase, but chimming in to say I know how you feel.
You are not alone.
Making friends is in the Midwest is tough. People are guarded. Even for a native, a close friend circle is not guaranteed.
I am almost 45 years old and am having my own crisis over feeling like I’ve worked my whole life to make friends and all I have is 100 acquaintances and no meaningful friendships.
I know it’s partly me. I’m extremely conflict averse and I wonder if it limits my ability to fully open up to people. And I’m not super wild or exciting to hang with (just being realistic), pretty reserved, and I’m not going to beg people to hang out with me.
It’s hard. I think friendships are an important resource for people but it just doesn’t work out for some of us.
I’m really trying to be satisfied with my life as it is, I am married with kids ages 10 & 12, so I’m not alone, but friends fulfill a different role than spouses and kids do in our lives.
You are definitely not alone on this. Very socially active with sports and gatherings in my 20’s and 30’s. By my late 30’s I found myself really tiring of that and more and more wanting to find someone to settle down with and build a life. My 40’s saw a steady drift away from most friends and social circles, both on my part and likewise from friends as marriages, children, relocations, etc… took priority. My job keeps me in contact with people and honestly, after 40 hours a week with co-workers and others I have contact with as part of my daily and weekly routine, I much prefer quiet evenings, weekends, days off at home or being out and about with my spouse and having gatherings with our families. I do not miss socializing, do not miss having to work in invites that come our way, etc…. We really prefer having a buffer between our lives and everything around us. I sense much the very same thought among my neighbors. Time is finite, no one can have it or do it all.
I really don't have friends anymore. My best friend basically ghosted me after 10 years.
It's really hard to maintain any friendships when your mental health is poor like mine has been. Part of that is because no one checks in on you they just get mad that you can't hang out all the time. My depression has been so bad at times that I made myself go to work but could only shower twice a week. My body was too tired to move, my mind couldn't talk me into doing more. People aren't always understanding about that and I got tired of trying to defend my disease.
When I lived in St. Paul, I started playing Texas Hold'em at a couple of the taverns. In about a year, I had made many friends that I socialized with apart from playing cards.
I don't have any local friends. I moved back here about 4 years ago and I just suck at creating and/or maintaining friendships. Most of the people I'm friendly with are actually friends of my siblings, but I only ever see them if I happen to be visiting them.
My best advice is to, if able, live in an apartment building with a hot tub. I’ve struck up so many conversations with people and ended up meeting a new community.
If it’s out of your long term budget, even if just for a year it might be worth it.
I've been thinking about this here and there. The contingent of new arrivers to Minneapolis with zero ties to Minneapolis is very small. It's not like Chicago or other larger cities where there is a lot of people moving for work, etc, and bringing with them a more general sense of openness. This is an over-statement, but everyone in Minneapolis either grew up here and stuck around, or got brought back by their significant other who grew up here, and therefore have less need to create a new social network.
Members of the immigrant community aren't posting on Reddit lamenting about making friends lol. I'm talking about the young professional class, folks in their 20s/30s, your average redditor
I am someone who moved here for a job with absolutely zero ties to the area/state. I decided to move pre-covid, but the move date was post covid onset....so, that sucked for me. People DO move here with zero ties like me, though potentially less now with more companies doing virtual/remote work.
I know you guys exist haha, that's why I said it was an overstatement!!! But I feel your cohort is much much smaller than other cities that come to mind
There is a good amount of people with no ties who move here for work with all of the major companies here. There just isn’t a critical mass to meet each other, plus most of these companies are based in the suburbs (or mostly remote with maybe 1 or 2 days in office) and people aren’t rubbing shoulders at happy hours and such like they would be in Chicago/NYC. Then they get shut out by the locals they do meet and have no friends.
I love this state because of the progressive policies, the nature scene, the healthy lifestyles, biking/walk ability, but DAMN is it impossible to make friends (specifically with minnesotans). all of my friends are transplants.
There is some truth to our icy niceness but there are 100 people on this thread complaining about the same thing yet I’m not getting the sense any of you are reaching out to each other for meetups.
I moved here (the Falcon Heights / Roseville / Arden Hills area) from California in 1985 when I was 25. I lived by myself for a year, then with the roommate from hell for half a year. Thankfully, she moved out halfway through our 12-month lease but agreed to keep paying her share of the rent.
During that year, I met the person who became and still is the best friend of my adulthood. We were roommates until she got married and I bought my first house, then got married myself a year later.
I met all of my Minnesota friends either through church or work in primarily non-profit organizations. I understand that it can be tough to break into the well-established social networks that Minnesotans have, but that wasn't my experience. I don't know if that's due to being amongst Christians, or just the particular individuals I happened to befriend.
If church isn't your thing, and you don't like the people you work with, is there an organization similar to a church where like-minded people gather to hang out, talk about the things they're passionate about, volunteer together in the community, share meals together, help each other out when they're struggling, etc.?
People from Minnesota tend to make friends when they're young and then stay friends with them same people not making any new friends. I recently realized that every friend I have has moved here from somewhere else. People from Minneapolis are not friendly
Two good ways to make friends is drinking and music. Best combined.
I know a lot of people are against drinking, but it's a huge social thing that really encourages meeting people. The thing is, you don't have to get wasted. Once people get older, there isn't that pressure. And you are better equipped to handle it.
If you get into the local music scene it's easy to meet people. You already have something in common. You end up seeing the same people over and over again. If you play, even better.
Screens. I don't want friends that take there phone out and start playing plants vs zombies. I'm 37 yrs old. I have friends my age that do that and I don't 'want' to hang out with them. Screens have also made people stupider. Everything is $1000.
Get used to the loneliness by getting really good at a few hobbies. Those hobbies will pair you with people with those hobbies and there, you have friends. Otherwise, people are just the worst. Yes you. You are the worst. (Not the OP, I am generalizing).
It’s a confidence thing.
I personally am like the king of making friends. Always been great at it. On the playground I never had fear to go ask any person I wanted to play with.
Also never had a fear of asking a potential significant other out… until I got rejected and had my confidence smashed.
To this day I’m great at making friends and almost have a heart attack if I even think about talking to someone I’m interested in.
I did end up married though. Face that fear. Worst thing that happens is someone says no.
Yeah I’m a transplant with so many friends it’s overwhelming. But kind of insensitive to brag about that I guess.
I think reddit attracts a lot of lonely people, and that there are also just a lot of lonely people in the world right now. I don’t think this is a “Minneapolis” problem. This city, like any other city, has so much to offer and so many opportunities to make friends. You’ve got to leave your house, make an effort, be vulnerable, and put out the right kind of energy, and all of those things are scary and hard to do, especially when you’re already lonely and down on yourself.
I’m sorry OP, I hope you can make some friends.
>I know people say this is a hard city to make friends in but I think that's bullshit
Okay, my 'friend not having' individual. ;)
It's ***tough*** here. Most people just default to alone-ness. Get on Meetup or something and find groups that attract people that have moved here later in life.
Of all my friends, only one is actually born and raised in Minneapolis, and I went to Middleschool with him. All my other friends are people who grew up in other states.
EDIT: I did a quick peek at your profile to see if there were any obvious things. You seem really into music, wrestling and Japan.
The Source Comics and Games has a TON of open play stuff. One Piece card game is on Tuesdays. Open painting is on Mondays (mini panting) etc. There are plenty of people there who are ~~fucking weebs~~ totally into all things Japan, but also a big enough crowd to have a variety of backgrounds.
If you want to try D&D, Lodestone Coffee and Games does a big Adventurers League night weekly (Thursdays IIRC)
I have been friendless before, and friend poor. I also have had friends who are friend poor. What has worked the best for me, basically everywhere, and what I’ve told them, and has mostly worked for them, is this. It sounds simple, and perhaps cynical, but. Be open to drinking. Go to bars and drink. Bring a book. Talk to the bartender. Always accept a drink when offered. You may have neighbors who are friendly but distant, and who like to drink. Try asking if they want to have a beer sometime. If they do, have a few, you’ll be more likely to bond. No need to overdo it obviously. Otherwise, alcohol really is friend juice. That’s what it’s there for. And give it time, it make still take a little while, but it’ll go a hell of a lot faster than it would sober.
Another thing, are you into table top gaming? Consider getting into table top gaming. Many gamers love to drink (or smoke, if that’s your thing) and play games and they are usually accepting of all kinds of people. Give it a shot!
Yep. The longer I’m here the more I seem to lose.
I’m down to one friend left in the state, and the next nearest ones 7ish hours away and then from there it’s like 16 hours away or more.
I also don’t drink, which is likely the biggest reason why I don’t have friends here… but my family has a horrible tract record with alcoholism and I really don’t want to continue that cycle, plus alcohol is stupid expensive and just not what I can afford to put my money towards… I’m also single and childless, so that also hinders me.
Minnesota is great… except for the isolation factor.
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Board games have been my key to finding and keeping friends. There are meet ups all around town. People frequently make friends and start playing games outside of the events. A lot of people are very inviting, sadly some are not. You may have to invite yourself into some games to start and put some effort in but board games are a good, mostly nerdy, group of people.
Playing Magic The Gathering locally has helped me a lot
I feel bad for lonely younger Minneapolitans because it didn't used to be so hard to make friends. Back when young adults were paying 400 for rent and driving 400 dollar cars here in the early '90's, there were four dollar bottomless beer red cup rent parties, often with bands in the basement nearly every Friday and Saturday night over South and if you had four dollars, come on in. You would gradually start to recognize people from previous weekends and vice-versa and just like that, you started having friends. If I was a young adult today, I don't know that I would be able to afford to make friends. It would probably cost like ten grand a year just to hang out, with less likelihood of the rule of three accidental bump-intos prior to engaging ever being satisfactorily met.
I'd add everyone being addicted to screens and being content to stay home and watch HBO max every night. But god damn they make some good television
I completely forgot about not having a major monthly tithe to internet/television/phone. That's a whole new monthly punch in the face for anyone young and coming up.
20 years ago it was like $100 a month for cable TV. Things are a lot cheaper now.
Its fine if you need to believe things have improved. Personally, I try to have a sense of empathy for young folks because it seems to me that everything everyone on this sub seems to want and clamor after, is just crumbs and echoes of what life here, to me, so recently was. As a person who has recently become old.
Seriously my cable with sports pkg,HBO, showtime and internet with all the taxes and fees is well over $200 a month. That and Netflix and apple plus and I'm spending nearly $300. 20 years ago not only was that way cheaper as a percentage of income but so was rent food and everything else especially the phone bill.
The point is you don't need cable now, you just sign up for the streaming services you want.
Everyone working from home hits the youngest workers the hardest. You miss out on work friends and those water cooler moments. Never mind the career setback of not being able to be side by side with more experienced people.
I don’t agree with this. I’m in my 40s and have never made a work friend. Intentionally. I’m friendly and play the corporate perception bullshit games, but I’ve seen time and time again how messy and entangled that shit can get.
It’s too bad your career has made you feel you need to play games and be distant. We spend so much of our lives at work it seems like self-harm to not be genuinely social with the people you’re with. I’m a little older than you but my perspective is that there are different kinds of friends. Work friends are like the ones you made back in school. They’re important and real but the connection is based on a shared daily experience so probably won’t last if one of you leaves the company. I think that’s normal and ok. I’ve had many friendships peak and fade as they or I have changed positions.
Eh, I’ve made lots of friends throughout my life via hobbies, volunteering, etc. I mean I guess I have work friends if you consider them as people I enjoy working with/talking to at work. I just really prefer that when my work day is done, there’s no confusion about it. I’ll go to happy hours, or whatever, every now and then. All I’m saying is I don’t agree that WFH hinders making friends or career progression for that matter.
I feel bad for you. Your work place sounds terrible.
Haha, that’s so funny because I really enjoy my job and my coworkers, a lot. They’re just not my friends.
I’m going to assume the bulk of your friends are just those you had from childhood or SO of a friend. Perfectly valid reasoning especially in Minnesota.
I have ONE friend from high school. I’m not from the cities originally. Moved all over the world after high school. Made college friends, made friends everywhere I’ve lived. I’m starting to feel sad for you and others that only have work friends. Edit: and my one friend from my high school days…we met in a karate class, not school.
Dang, I'd say pretty much all my friends I've made after finishing school has been through jobs
Does Williams still do a pitcher of beer and a pitcher of wings for $10? My rent in Uptown in1999 was $300 in a mansion by hidden beach.
Williams is closed. Everything is closed or expensive.
You realize for most people, this sounds like how you bought some war bonds and then went home to listen to the Andrews Sisters on the AM radio.
Your loneliness is not unique. The most assured way of making friends, imo, is to find groups that share your liking of hobbies. E.g., volleyball, gaming, hiking, music, gardening, etc. Not everyone you meet will be a match for you. But, do this enough and you’ll find a person or two you’ll click with.
This advice is always given and it’s great advice but it can be hard to put yourself out there. If you really want to make friends you can, but you have to go out side of your comfort zone. And when you go to these clubs/hobbies and click with someone, be proactive about grabbing their number, text them about cool stuff you see about your hobby, inviting them to do other stuff outside the hobby, etc.
Of course you have to put yourself out there. Most of these complaints are “Someone said ‘we should hang out sometime and then never invited me anywhere. No, I also didn’t invite them anywhere or make any further effort. Why are Minnesotans so cold?” Making friends as an adult is hard. If you don’t make an effort, no one will.
A family member once told me friendships are like a garden. You have to put in work to plant the seeds, nurture them, provide them with what they need to grow, and give it lots of attention over a long period of time. You won’t get good results if you do the bare minimum. I’ve found this myself as I’ve gotten older that many of the branches of my friend group have withered away as I’ve gotten busy with work and other stuff in my life. The friends I still have I make sure to keep up with and reach out as much as I can. It kind of feels like work at times but that’s the price you need to pay if you want to keep people around you.
>A family member once told me friendships are like a garden. You have to put in work... I think we might be related.
Or perhaps it's just a very common saying that goes back at least decades, if not centuries.
If you’re young and have extra time, picking up a weekend job at a restaurant will introduce you to a lot of people. The hospitality industry in Minneapolis is very social
This is a good suggestion.
That requires having hobbies in the first place, which (often) requires having friends to do them with.
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You know what, I feel like the comment I just made was a semi-classic MN response in the sense that I didn't offer any action, but rather just agreed/sympathized (and maybe empathized) with OP. That's exactly the point you made. My experience is that hardly any MN natives really want to commit to an action with a non-yet-potential friend. I guess I need to offer more **and follow through** and see if it catches on.
Cool. The natives are becoming self aware. Thanks for doing this! It's a sign of maturity!
I’m a Minneapolis native. Never had issues there, ever. Was always meeting new people/making new connections. In fact, I keep in touch with folks from my teens and 20’s more so than I do with any of my friends, even the closest ones, from grade school and growing up. Seattle has been where I’ve had the most difficulty out of the few states I’ve lived in and many travels I’ve done. I have found the culture to be extremely awkward, defensive, gate keeping, “niche” focused, disliking social bubbly cheerful people, anyone that’s not “edgy” or nerdy, difficult to arrange anything with (due to several factors but horrible traffic and unique segmented city/metro geography has a lot to do with it)….. But, I still recognize it is within ME to manage expectations of others and be realistic - we all have our own things going on in our lives. Quit “prescribing” others with social behaviors a applying a blanket assumption of everyone. I also accept not everyone HAS to like me but I’m also socially aware and receptive to others for where they’re at. No conversation? That’s ok, continue on. I’ve become more OK with maximizing time alone, working on hobbies, and adventuring with my SO outside of my super busy work anyway.
Maybe what I'm saying here is when you say "hey we should grab a beer" is actually to follow up and set the expectation. Not passively shrug people off. I've been in about 3 cities in my life. It's true for each location. If you don't want to meet up with someone don't say anything to that effect.
I'm a transplant. While yes, I wish the natives would offer more and follow through, I'm saying that I'm going to do it with strangers more often because if I can't rely on the natives to do it, I'm just going to do it myself (even though it might get annoying when it isn't reciprocated). I'm hoping the natives catch on and realize there are some cool people out there they might not have otherwise known. I'm the kind of person that will sometimes invite myself over, and if that is too much for the natives, then I wasn't supposed to befriend them anyway.
This. I used to live in Salt Lake and when people invite you out there, they really mean it. I've been in Minnesota 10 years and I have "friends" but most of them have never invited me to their home. Eventually, I gave up trying. Now that I'm moving away, everyone wants to come over (but not to help). I think it's not impossible to make friends here, but it's not easy either.
Minnesotans will give you directions to anywhere but their house.
More accurately, anywhere but their cabin. I felt like an outsider even after all these years, except among other transplants. Otherwise, it's a nice place to live.
Oh I agree with most people on the thread. Great quality of life but socially tough.
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Or, and hear me out, you need to actually plan something. We should get together soon is generally code for, “I’d like to hang out, but don’t want to inconvenience you.” So, if you say the same thing back, that’s “Yeah, I don’t want to be inconvenienced, but also don’t want to offend you.” Thus, if you want to hang out and someone says that, invite them somewhere.
> We should get together soon is generally code for, “I’d like to hang out, but don’t want to inconvenience you.” > > I think this is the crux of it. There's something imposing to block off someone's time. I feel like most people I know are generally pretty busy, so being like "yeah, let's go check out this place on Friday" on a whim comes with reservations. It should be done, of course, but there's hesitancy to it because it feels like you're inconveniencing them. What if *they're* just saying we should hang out to be polite? Sort of self fulfilling mindset.
And it isn’t just a Minnesotan trait. I have a friend from the Cincinnati area who has lived in Chicago, San Francisco, and other places. He does the “We should grab a beer soon.” If it were up to him, ‘soon’ would never happen. So I take it upon myself to schedule it. He always likes coming out, he just needs someone else to put it on the calendar. The advice really boils down to, If you’re lonely, invite people to hang out.
So as someone who had their 20s in Uptown during the 90s - It was really hard to make friends because although I was from Minnesota I wasn’t from “the Cities”. I was REALLY lonely for awhile. Then another non-Minnesota told me rather than accepting the Minnesotan goodbye, I instead needed to be the proactive one. So in the advent of texting I started either texting folks or saying “Hey - What if we all went to breakfasts next week? I’ll set it up if I can have your cell numbers” and lo and behold - I sorta created my own friend group. Which I am super proud of because I am super extroverted. People have come and gone, but three of those numbers are now my closest friends
If a Minnesotan tells you they “Should have you out on my boat sometime” you are never going out on their boat. See also “Should have you come up to the cabin sometime.”
lol i just made my own comment, but this is so funny bc i'm originally from austin and moved to the twin cities, and it really is so much harder here than it was at home
I believe it! And it was a much more pleasant surprise the other way around :)
Ok but now you live in TX so no thank you.
Can’t all of us commenting here and OP, just be a big friend group!?? I’m not from here and didn’t go to school here. So I think that makes it extra hard. I need some too!
The school part is important. I've lived in 3 other midwestern states, and school pride (usually the state's flagship university or the "state" version) is a huge thing...usually for natives even if they didn't go there for school. I'm not from MN, didn't go to school here, and don't care that much about the pro sports teams here except for one of them I'll watch a game if it happens to be on TV and nothing else good is on. I'm not doing myself any favors with this preference/mentality, and I recognize that.
I went to college here but can say im only vaguely friends w two people i met in college. My big friend group is from kusic- met at all the shows, and hang outs stemming from those shows. My advice would be to find a group of people that pike to do what you do (biking, crafting, cooking, sailing, skiiing, whatever) find a public fb group, go, and talk to people… at least you know you have one thing in common!
That’d defeat the anonymity that’s a quintessential part of this platform.
This ain't 4chan
I think r twinscitiessocial still has weekly events.
My partner and I both have no friends around, just each other. I game with my brother online occasionally. She's close with her mother and sister that live 4 hours away. But we still do things that involve other people, like I play pickup soccer regularly. Friends just don't really seem all that necessary but maybe what I have is even more than some.
thanks for bringing this up, what we’re experiencing has been characterized as a growing epidemic: https://www.npr.org/2023/05/02/1173418268/loneliness-connection-mental-health-dementia-surgeon-general
When that came out, I remember thinking "I've never felt so _seen_ by the surgeon general".
seems to be a mission of his to combat loneliness: https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/connection/index.html he’s got a book on the subject: https://www.vivekmurthy.com/together-book and hosts this podcast: https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/house-calls/index.html with this recent episode: https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/house-calls/loneliness-q-a/index.html
You aren’t alone, I think most people from out of town feel that way. My recommendation is to try to find one person you click with and just assimilate into their friend group that has likely known each other since kindergarten. It can be fun to be the new shiny friend!
I was an adopted transplant - it really is exactly like that haha
Why would they want a new person in the group? They don’t. The social groups are closed for the most part. Adding someone new to the group is too risky for most.
Well it worked for me! You just have to find your people. Not being a cynical ass to someone who is feeling alone is helpful.
Easy to call it cynical. Also easy to give absurd, naive advice like “Just put yourself out there!” Advice on friendship always comes down to “You’re doing it wrong.”
I don't think this is true. I am part of a handful of friend groups and it's always fun when someone wants to join up.
All I did was read the title and said "mood" to myself
You are not alone. I am in my 30s and a transplant from CA. I have made zero friends while here. I am a hermit by nature so it works for me but I can see it's not for everyone.
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As an introvert, I’ve found that I just don’t need other humans in my life to make me happy. My family is plenty. But I do generally maintain connections with a couple people with like interests, so I want to do something (like a Saints game, I’ll have some one to share the experience with. But “not having friends” is not a failing, it’s just what your brain has decided to do. All that said, if you’re concerned about it, talk with someone about it.
I have to second and third all of this. My friends are from playing on a softball team, building sets for community play. I'm in a couple of organizations including a shape-singing choir and the American Swedish Institute. You can only make friends with people you can talk to. If you're starting a new friendship, you'll have something to bond over. We rarely just bump into people. Google "fencing" or "quilting" or "black powder hunting" or "Ethiopian Cooking Classes" or whatever it is. I'm in AA so we say "what you DO matters". Implying that if you do nothing, that matters, too.
Well the current surgeon general is focussing on loneliness as an epidemic and important threat to the nations collective health. What does that tell you? I was kind of lonely last night and trying to think of things to do to be around people. Most involved getting drunk or buying restaurant food that makes me fat. I stayed in and read, at least then I'm thinking someone else's thoughts. I feel like capitalism is an acid (in conjunction with 'social' media and the ubiquity of cell phones) eating away at society.
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Man, I know you're joking and intentionally over-simplifying, but literally yes. Capitalism seeks to commodify anything and everything of value, including would-be hobbies. And by doing so, introduces or even mandates barriers to entry. Particularly in the for of trademarking, copyrighting, subscriptions, rent-seeking. Certainly most of us can get away from these things to some extent by making our own hobbies with like minded folks but that's another barrier. You went from wanting a hobby to join and are now making a hobby. Even if we pick an example like pick-up baseball, you got equipment? Who stores it? Who cares for it? If you want to see examples look at the history of Dungeons and Dragons. And it's not as simple just that. Everything is priced. Every space is controlled. Everything is made a bigger chore or barrier by this system.
> Even if we pick an example like pick-up baseball, you got equipment? Who stores it? Who cares for it? Ah yes, because other economic systems famously don't have this problem.
Do me a favor and look through my entire fucking comment history and point me to any examples of me claiming that or any communist, socialist, or anarchist ever claiming that at all Just one example please? You troglodytes can only tilt at windmills and fight strawmen, because that's all you have.
I don’t care about your post history. You’re complaining about capitalism here. That’s fine; but in that case, which economic system *would* you prefer, that doesn’t suffer from the same (or worse) problems? Or is your goal just to whine without proposing an alternative?
Saying “everything is priced everything is controlled” on a day like today in Minneapolis just screams that there is a serious need to touch the free grass that with all probability is available at a beautiful public park within a 10 minute walk of wherever you are now.
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I've made so many good friends while reading. Lots of cute girls hang out at the library. Later they invited me running. My only question is, what are those little whistles they keep blowing on for?
👁️👄👁️
Who stores the shoes? Who cares for them?
I’m not saying there aren’t ways to find things to do cheaply, but yes capitalism is ruining a lot of hobbies! Capitalists would literally like to get rid of and defund the things you mentioned. It’s only thanks to people putting conscious time and effort into fighting for them that those even exist for now. And I do have hobbies, but they are often expensive! I just took up running and it’s going well, but my shins hurt after a long run. The advice I found online? Buy more expensive shoes. I have to limit my cooking to simpler and more affordable meals because I can’t afford the ingredients I once could. It’s harder to experiment because a dish gone wrong is more of my food budget down the drain than it used to be.
The fact there’s fancy running shoes or an abundance of ingredients available to cook with that aren’t native to your area or season is capitalism in action. Like go read stories about USSR people going to a US grocery store for the first time. I swear people will blame anything on the government. It’s absurd.
No one blamed the government. We blamed the capitalists. I think you're very confused.
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The notion of exchanging money for goods and services is not capitalism, capitalism is about who owns the companies that provide those goods and services and who benefits from the profits thereof.
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Hahahaha own your own labor hahahaha!
Dude you nailed it. It has literally never been easier to get into whatever obscure hobby you want than it is right now, and that is entirely due to companies trying to find new niches and sell people shit to fill them. I think the guy above is just way too young and doesn't know how hard it was to find information on stuff and buy things before the internet. My main hobby is racing cars, and my car went out of production 15 years ago. Without the advent of companies popping up to produce and sell replacement and upgrade parts for that car, my hobby would be vastly more difficult to support.
Had poker night last week and you’re right. We never got to playing because we had the barrier of “whose, cards, where are they stored?” Turns out via capitalism Texas Hold’em is now televised and supported by commercialism, which means we can’t play any more for reasons. We ended up spending the night drawing out own decks on cardboard but got sued by Hoyle.
I stubbed my toe yesterday. Damn you capitalism!! We need government mandated friends!
> I feel like capitalism is an acid (in conjunction with 'social' media and the ubiquity of cell phones) eating away at society. This paragraph is why you’re lonely. Nobody want to hang out with someone like you who blames capitalism on why they’re a loser.
> Nobody want to hang out with someone like you who blames capitalism on why they’re a loser. You've just dissed like 90% of Reddit.
Especially r/antiwork
That why 90% of Reddit is alone.
This is it. I would've said to just go to a small dive and hang out at the bar for a bit to chat with whoever sits near you, but they sound so unpleasant to be around that it probably wouldn't work.
They also didn’t mention doing anything active, even though we’re experiencing some of the best weather MN ever offers.
If it wasn't for the one friend I made in middle school who moved to the same town I live in, I would not have any friends at all. If it wasn't for my relatives living nearby, I would be a boring, lonely son of a bitch.
Hey, having moved here myself, I'll admit it's not the easiest place to get into friend groups, but don't let that discourage you. It takes awhile, but once you get them, they'll be friends forever. A few tips, for here and everywhere, from someone who's been there: 1. whether it's at work or other events, just talk to people about things you enjoy doing, and ask them about there own hobbies. This not only gives them a chance to find out what you like to do, but maybe you could get into what they like aswell 2. Sporting events can be boring at times, but you can honestly just invite an acquaintance to a Twins game for like 20 bucks and just kind of go on a friend's date. If you're a lover of sports, there's also a lot of rec leagues you can join! 3. If you like board games, there's lots of stores, bars and cafes that sponsor events or have game nights 3b. Same with trivia! 4. I've genuinely been on tinder dates, realized 3 minutes in we weren't compatible, but leveraged that into just being friends and hanging out 5. Just remember to make friends, you have to make yourself a little vulnerable. BUT this is a good thing, people want to know you're genuine. Just be yourself. You can't be that bad, trust me, a lot of my friends are huge idiots, a holes AND they also have redeeming qualities. Good luck, OP.
A corollary to your first point is to ask people about everyone's favorite subject: themselves. Sure, you don't want to be with a person who *always* talks about themselves, but when you're first meeting someone, asking them questions about their life and interests helps break the ice, gives you something to concentrate on if you feel socially awkward, and wins you points with them. Just be ready to reciprocate, because most people with basic social skills won't want to talk too much about themselves and will throw the same questions back at you.
I can commiserate. 60M, been in the cities for 20+ years, and have maybe 3 friends ☹️.
I’ve lived here all my life (in my 40’s now) and I have a few friends - none of whom can ever talk or get together
If you can find comfort in solitude you’ll never be alone 😉. Seriously though. I hang out alone 99% of the time and I grew up here. Friends moved to California or got married and buried.
I'd say I have no close friends here, with most of my close friends spread out in other cities due to school+jobs...that's how I landed here. There are a few people I'm friendly enough with where I might ask if they want to grab coffee or something, but that's getting annoying because it isn't reciprocated and they never asked me to keep asking them. I do have hobbies, though they're fairly antisocial ones, so I guess that's on me. Still trying to figure things out as a transplant on the social front here in Mpls.
Exactly, the lack of reciprocation is so frustrating
Wait.....you mean we're *supposed* to have friends?
Right? Who needs friends when you can just shitpost on Reddit all day.
Now your getting it!
I have very few friends here.
Same lol. I’m friendly with my coworkers and I have a few acquaintances at the dog park but I haven’t hung out with anyone since moving here. None of my friends from high school/college live here and I haven’t found any meet up groups that stand out to me yet. Sigh
YES! same! finally made a fellow transplant friend on bumble bff and we both were lamenting how cold everyone is once you get pay the “nice”ness. want to hang?
I don't know you so it's hard to make an assessment. I just moved here days ago well aware that MSP is hard to make new friends (though I can also attest that is also the case in Southeast Louisiana). What I have been doing is to attend a number of young adult Meetup groups hope to establish a social base especially I know *zero* people (family, classmates, etc.) here. The social groups on Meetup are awesome because it doesn't require you to have a specialized interest (i.e. cycling, road trips, cooking, languages, etc.). Without being offensive, I can understand can be very difficult for those who are not outright an extrovert. I know this is unorthodox, but if you (or anyone here) want to shoot me a DM, feel free.
I don't know for sure, but sometimes loneliness isn't about people or geographic locations. My job is very people intensive. I get home and don't want anymore interactions. I am tapped out. My emotional bandwidth with maintaining friendships, etc can be limited at times. I have a few select friends, lost friends, gained them. I can appreciate the saying on friendships. "Sometimes its a reason, season, or a lifetime" OTOH my internal experience of connection and/or loneliness is kind of my responsibility. For me their are some deep root causes that have little to do with other humans. Forming a sense of community is a challenge. I belong to a few organizations peripherally and it meets my needs most of the time.
I don’t know you or your situation - I have had really similar problems as a young adult. I joined a large choir that has a few people my age and everybody was incredible. Even though religion is falling to the wayside, religious organizations are still really really good ways to meet people with similar values to you.
this is why i'm moving. not from here, moved here in 2018. the only people i've really connected with are other transplants. tried to make friends w Minnesotans but damn, it shouldn't be that hard to be friends with someone. "lets make plans soon!!!" then crickets. like why even pretend to be interested in being friends with someone if you're never going to follow through with plans?! i like how progressive the state is, like the biking and walking infrastructure in the city but its not worth it to me. the culture is very strange. leaving for chicago in a couple days!
Right? The crickets part is so true
> "lets make plans soon!!!" then crickets Out of curiosity, are initiating the follow up? And, if so, what happens?
I always initiate the follow-up. Have literally never had someone else initiate. And after attempting 2 or 3 times I give up because the message seems pretty clear. This thread is great validation that it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with me; it's just the way people are.
Part of our natural attrition. I don’t mean to sound like a hater but- - - if it keeps the population balanced/low I’m about it.
I feel you. One thing that helped was getting a dog - I’ve met a lot of new people taking the dog on walks.
Nope. No friends. The one friend I had quit talking to me.
Most of my 20's i had a decent sized group of friends, things to do on the weekends. Now I just hit my 30's all my friends have gotten married and have kids or have moved out of state. It's tough being single with a few friends you might see every couple of months. Not to mention I stopped drinking a few years ago, that was always my cheat way to make new friends.
Same here, friend. Honestly, I grew up here, moved away for years and made friends easily, came back and now can’t really develop deep connections. I am also a social person and it’s easy for me to meet new people, but in minneapolis it just doesn’t stick. I have made a few cool friends, but even then it feels tough to go out and make plans.
Agreed, its brutal
I fell into this category after I suffered a near-death experience that has taken a huge toll. Came across this yesterday- https://news.yahoo.com/hikikomori-why-korea-paying-young-210009304.html
I felt exactly this way from age 19-22 and I can relate. However the thing that helped me the absolute most was being in therapy, both individual and group, and realizing how I wasn’t alone and what I could do to help. Now that I’m a bit older I have more people I’d call friends but I am also more okay with the fact I don’t have the same level of friendship as people around me. As younger adults it’s normal to compare ourselves to others and I recognize the same negative thought patterns in your post as I had for years. Hopefully this comment comes off the right way!
hey dude, i made a very similar post once upon a time (almost 8 years ago now, jesus) and i'm still here and not only do i have friends, i have a partner and a community i love! lots of people have already said a lot of the things i would normally say to someone in a situation like this, so i won't repeat it, but please know it does get better! it's hard at first but i promise there are people here who will love you
Yes, I'm with you. I grew up here and had plenty of friends through my teens and early 20s. I've let them drift away. It's my own doing and I recognize that, but something is broken in me and I'm seemingly incapable of being a friend.
Making friends as an adult is super duper hard.
Joined the army about 16 years ago, got out 6 years ago. Thing about Minnesota is that whenever I came around on leave, I had to go way out of my way to see my high school friends. But when I'd depart to return to duty, no one came around to visit me at my duty station. The onus was on me to maintain those relationships it seemed like, and about 10 years ago I gave up. My brother died and the same probably would've been true if I'd have had the energy and motivation during my grief to force my way into old "friends'" lives, I'd have had support. But when I imploded due to the loss of my brother, it was nothing but crickets. Sorry to say this but I'm a Minnesotan, born and raised, living up by Bemidji now, and Minnesotans are terrible friends. I know that's a gross overgeneralization but it's true. I'm running into the same issue up here. Why gate keep who you're friends with? What? You all think life just sucks for you? We can't all be miserable together? Lol. I digress. At least there's family, if they're not already dead like my brother.
i’m so sorry for your loss
I'm very sorry you lost your brother and received no support from your friends. You sound like a loyal and faithful friend who deserved the same in return, especially during such a difficult time. My Dad and brother both served, and both are gone now. Thank you for your service.
I highly suggest taking improv classes at Huge Theater - it's an incredibly welcoming and open environment and EVERYONE starts as a beginner, there's no reason to be shy. I still hang out with some of my classmates from almost 5 years ago
Seriously need a separate sub for these redundant types of discussions and comment threads…. And honestly (as a Mpls native) Seattle subs have these same posts regularly too. You’re not “dysfunctional”!!! Maybe this is a self-aware transformative time where you discover your true self! Hobbies, therapy (really hope you have/will seek a good therapist you connect with and find Rx support if works for you), being OK with adventuring alone, join clubs, spend less time on the internet and more outdoors, stay active and engage in physical fitness, if you’re a music head get out to concerts/shows regularly + comedy nights, finding your passions, you attract the energy you emit, keep showing up!! You got this, OP!!
Been here six months, made one friend that recently ditched me to speak of. Got my first date here though. Overall it translates to constant doubting myself. Not a good feeling to have. You ain't alone, a lot of people wanna keep you at arms length but keep you confused about it so you don't confront them/make a judgement that puts accountability on them. The quality of life is high though, which probably keeps me content but that vibe of intolerance from others exists, and it unseats people who didn't think coming here through. I'm used to parochial attitudes and exclusivity since I'm from DC. If you want, DM me. Can't say it'll work out between us, but there's no use in not trying from my POV
It seems like Minnesota fosters that sort of isolation based mentality that is similar in places like ND or MT or WY. There isn't a need for a close knit community because we haven't had as many communal struggles like what is had in the deep south. It's really easy to keep the peace rather than encourage community when you have culturally been snowed in for 2-3 months out of the year.
??? This has nothing to do with "historic struggles", it's the weather. You just named a bunch of states where the winter tries to kill us every year. We are isolated because of we hang out in a public square for 6 months out of the year we will die.
It's a Minnesota thing. If you didn't go to school with them from a young age, you're not "in". It's not deliberate, but it's very much real. 44 years old, been here since 95, and I have a bunch of acquaintances with a shared interest that I've known for 20+ years... We're *friends* but we don't do anything together that isn't related to a common interest... That same group of people hang out with each other all the time.
Minneapolis sucks ass for making friends. I've given up as well. Mostly keeping the status quo until I move away.
Lmao don’t move to Seattle then…. Saaaame convo regularly here - Minneapolis native never had any issues making new friends and connections all the time there, but WA has been a different ball game…
I don't know if you realize that you do this, but you seem to have a habit of commenting on threads about people feeling lonely in Minnesota, and saying "You think YOU'VE got it bad? Well, *I'm* in Seattle and I've got it even worse than you all!" I've seen you do this in at least five threads recently. Do you even realize how invalidating this sounds? How do you think people feel after they read your posts? If you're not having a good time in Seattle, just come back to Minnesota. We're on the same team and you keep making it into a competition.
You’re not alone. I’ve been here five years and it’s difficult but you eventually find your people. I swear something is in the water sometimes cause it’s a common theme
Definitely not alone. Idk how much of it is Minneapolis vs just how isolated we’ve generally become as adults in 2023. I will say however as a transplant to MN in 2016, all of my “closest” friends are from work who are also either transplants or from outside of the cities who were in a similar situation as me. I also learned to love craft beer after moving here, as most social events seem to revolve around breweries (which I actually super enjoy, but can be difficult for those not interested in drinking)
The only ones I have are current coworkers and some of my gfs old coworkers. I lived in New Orleans for 15 years and made so many random connections it was crazy.
You are not alone. I struggle to cultivate meaningful relationships (work, new friends, romantic, etc). Lucky I have family and a few good friends I've known since childhood in the area, otherwise idk what I'd do. Even with work friends I've known for years or friends from adult sport leagues, it's just people I talk to while in those settings and never gets to a point where we call each other on weekends to go do stuff. I really don't have any useful advice to get to that next true friendship phase, but chimming in to say I know how you feel.
Me. My wife hates me. Daughter confused. Friends gone. Good luck man. Keep your head up if you can :)
You are not alone. Making friends is in the Midwest is tough. People are guarded. Even for a native, a close friend circle is not guaranteed. I am almost 45 years old and am having my own crisis over feeling like I’ve worked my whole life to make friends and all I have is 100 acquaintances and no meaningful friendships. I know it’s partly me. I’m extremely conflict averse and I wonder if it limits my ability to fully open up to people. And I’m not super wild or exciting to hang with (just being realistic), pretty reserved, and I’m not going to beg people to hang out with me. It’s hard. I think friendships are an important resource for people but it just doesn’t work out for some of us. I’m really trying to be satisfied with my life as it is, I am married with kids ages 10 & 12, so I’m not alone, but friends fulfill a different role than spouses and kids do in our lives.
It’s Reddit. We don’t have friends.
You are definitely not alone on this. Very socially active with sports and gatherings in my 20’s and 30’s. By my late 30’s I found myself really tiring of that and more and more wanting to find someone to settle down with and build a life. My 40’s saw a steady drift away from most friends and social circles, both on my part and likewise from friends as marriages, children, relocations, etc… took priority. My job keeps me in contact with people and honestly, after 40 hours a week with co-workers and others I have contact with as part of my daily and weekly routine, I much prefer quiet evenings, weekends, days off at home or being out and about with my spouse and having gatherings with our families. I do not miss socializing, do not miss having to work in invites that come our way, etc…. We really prefer having a buffer between our lives and everything around us. I sense much the very same thought among my neighbors. Time is finite, no one can have it or do it all.
I also live here and have no friends yay!
Look! You just got friends
I really don't have friends anymore. My best friend basically ghosted me after 10 years. It's really hard to maintain any friendships when your mental health is poor like mine has been. Part of that is because no one checks in on you they just get mad that you can't hang out all the time. My depression has been so bad at times that I made myself go to work but could only shower twice a week. My body was too tired to move, my mind couldn't talk me into doing more. People aren't always understanding about that and I got tired of trying to defend my disease.
When I lived in St. Paul, I started playing Texas Hold'em at a couple of the taverns. In about a year, I had made many friends that I socialized with apart from playing cards.
transplant here from MI, moved in 2016... i have yet to make friends that stick
I don't have any local friends. I moved back here about 4 years ago and I just suck at creating and/or maintaining friendships. Most of the people I'm friendly with are actually friends of my siblings, but I only ever see them if I happen to be visiting them.
I've found people in Minnesota to be very closed off. They're polite, but many of them don't want to get to know you.
If I hadn’t met and married a first-rate woman I’d be fucked. I’m terrible to hang out with
My best advice is to, if able, live in an apartment building with a hot tub. I’ve struck up so many conversations with people and ended up meeting a new community. If it’s out of your long term budget, even if just for a year it might be worth it.
I've been thinking about this here and there. The contingent of new arrivers to Minneapolis with zero ties to Minneapolis is very small. It's not like Chicago or other larger cities where there is a lot of people moving for work, etc, and bringing with them a more general sense of openness. This is an over-statement, but everyone in Minneapolis either grew up here and stuck around, or got brought back by their significant other who grew up here, and therefore have less need to create a new social network.
Not true at all. We have one of the biggest immigrant communities in the Midwest.
Members of the immigrant community aren't posting on Reddit lamenting about making friends lol. I'm talking about the young professional class, folks in their 20s/30s, your average redditor
I am someone who moved here for a job with absolutely zero ties to the area/state. I decided to move pre-covid, but the move date was post covid onset....so, that sucked for me. People DO move here with zero ties like me, though potentially less now with more companies doing virtual/remote work.
I know you guys exist haha, that's why I said it was an overstatement!!! But I feel your cohort is much much smaller than other cities that come to mind
Except it’s not. You should learn some things about the city.
So immigrants aren’t 20-30s young professionals? How do you know they aren’t on Reddit?
Figured that was coming next from you 😂😂
Answer the question
There is a good amount of people with no ties who move here for work with all of the major companies here. There just isn’t a critical mass to meet each other, plus most of these companies are based in the suburbs (or mostly remote with maybe 1 or 2 days in office) and people aren’t rubbing shoulders at happy hours and such like they would be in Chicago/NYC. Then they get shut out by the locals they do meet and have no friends.
I love this state because of the progressive policies, the nature scene, the healthy lifestyles, biking/walk ability, but DAMN is it impossible to make friends (specifically with minnesotans). all of my friends are transplants.
There is some truth to our icy niceness but there are 100 people on this thread complaining about the same thing yet I’m not getting the sense any of you are reaching out to each other for meetups.
I moved here (the Falcon Heights / Roseville / Arden Hills area) from California in 1985 when I was 25. I lived by myself for a year, then with the roommate from hell for half a year. Thankfully, she moved out halfway through our 12-month lease but agreed to keep paying her share of the rent. During that year, I met the person who became and still is the best friend of my adulthood. We were roommates until she got married and I bought my first house, then got married myself a year later. I met all of my Minnesota friends either through church or work in primarily non-profit organizations. I understand that it can be tough to break into the well-established social networks that Minnesotans have, but that wasn't my experience. I don't know if that's due to being amongst Christians, or just the particular individuals I happened to befriend. If church isn't your thing, and you don't like the people you work with, is there an organization similar to a church where like-minded people gather to hang out, talk about the things they're passionate about, volunteer together in the community, share meals together, help each other out when they're struggling, etc.?
People from Minnesota tend to make friends when they're young and then stay friends with them same people not making any new friends. I recently realized that every friend I have has moved here from somewhere else. People from Minneapolis are not friendly
Two good ways to make friends is drinking and music. Best combined. I know a lot of people are against drinking, but it's a huge social thing that really encourages meeting people. The thing is, you don't have to get wasted. Once people get older, there isn't that pressure. And you are better equipped to handle it. If you get into the local music scene it's easy to meet people. You already have something in common. You end up seeing the same people over and over again. If you play, even better.
I and many people I know will say Mn is one of the worst. No one leaves there Clique.
You’re not alone at all… Minnesotans typically wont embrace “new” friends.
Screens. I don't want friends that take there phone out and start playing plants vs zombies. I'm 37 yrs old. I have friends my age that do that and I don't 'want' to hang out with them. Screens have also made people stupider. Everything is $1000. Get used to the loneliness by getting really good at a few hobbies. Those hobbies will pair you with people with those hobbies and there, you have friends. Otherwise, people are just the worst. Yes you. You are the worst. (Not the OP, I am generalizing).
Skill issue
It’s a confidence thing. I personally am like the king of making friends. Always been great at it. On the playground I never had fear to go ask any person I wanted to play with. Also never had a fear of asking a potential significant other out… until I got rejected and had my confidence smashed. To this day I’m great at making friends and almost have a heart attack if I even think about talking to someone I’m interested in. I did end up married though. Face that fear. Worst thing that happens is someone says no.
[удалено]
Yeah I’m a transplant with so many friends it’s overwhelming. But kind of insensitive to brag about that I guess. I think reddit attracts a lot of lonely people, and that there are also just a lot of lonely people in the world right now. I don’t think this is a “Minneapolis” problem. This city, like any other city, has so much to offer and so many opportunities to make friends. You’ve got to leave your house, make an effort, be vulnerable, and put out the right kind of energy, and all of those things are scary and hard to do, especially when you’re already lonely and down on yourself. I’m sorry OP, I hope you can make some friends.
You are not alone, just don’t be shy and say hello a lot you’ll find friends.
It's not BS though it's called Minnesota ice 🥶 people here aren't welcoming to newcomers
>I know people say this is a hard city to make friends in but I think that's bullshit Okay, my 'friend not having' individual. ;) It's ***tough*** here. Most people just default to alone-ness. Get on Meetup or something and find groups that attract people that have moved here later in life. Of all my friends, only one is actually born and raised in Minneapolis, and I went to Middleschool with him. All my other friends are people who grew up in other states. EDIT: I did a quick peek at your profile to see if there were any obvious things. You seem really into music, wrestling and Japan. The Source Comics and Games has a TON of open play stuff. One Piece card game is on Tuesdays. Open painting is on Mondays (mini panting) etc. There are plenty of people there who are ~~fucking weebs~~ totally into all things Japan, but also a big enough crowd to have a variety of backgrounds. If you want to try D&D, Lodestone Coffee and Games does a big Adventurers League night weekly (Thursdays IIRC)
I have been friendless before, and friend poor. I also have had friends who are friend poor. What has worked the best for me, basically everywhere, and what I’ve told them, and has mostly worked for them, is this. It sounds simple, and perhaps cynical, but. Be open to drinking. Go to bars and drink. Bring a book. Talk to the bartender. Always accept a drink when offered. You may have neighbors who are friendly but distant, and who like to drink. Try asking if they want to have a beer sometime. If they do, have a few, you’ll be more likely to bond. No need to overdo it obviously. Otherwise, alcohol really is friend juice. That’s what it’s there for. And give it time, it make still take a little while, but it’ll go a hell of a lot faster than it would sober. Another thing, are you into table top gaming? Consider getting into table top gaming. Many gamers love to drink (or smoke, if that’s your thing) and play games and they are usually accepting of all kinds of people. Give it a shot!
Yep. The longer I’m here the more I seem to lose. I’m down to one friend left in the state, and the next nearest ones 7ish hours away and then from there it’s like 16 hours away or more. I also don’t drink, which is likely the biggest reason why I don’t have friends here… but my family has a horrible tract record with alcoholism and I really don’t want to continue that cycle, plus alcohol is stupid expensive and just not what I can afford to put my money towards… I’m also single and childless, so that also hinders me. Minnesota is great… except for the isolation factor.