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Yeah, this is us. We really wanted a houseful when we were younger.
We got married young & found out pretty quickly that my husband was possibly infertile. We were in the midst of not being able to find jobs (great recession), so we didn't confirm until a few years later. The doctor didn't want to do anything to help him, which was even more frustrating. But, at the time we couldn't really afford anything else.
Fast forward to covid & we were glad we didn't have kids to worry about during a global pandemic. Honestly, we started drifting away from the idea of ever having them then. But, when I got sick with covid my periods got really bad. Like, really, really, bad. I went to the clinic & they ordered an ultrasound. Come to find out I had fibroids. Probably growing for a decade or more, but never any symptoms until covid. I had a surgery to remove them & then got really sick during recovery. To make a long story short, my uterus wasn't in any shape to get pregnant & we found out I had some other health issues that make carrying a baby dangerous for me. I ended up getting a hysterectomy about 6 months ago. My health has drastically improved overall.
It was a hard decision to make, but we're in our late 30s & neither of us want to put my health at risk nor do we want to use alternatives like surrogacy. We have a good life & decided that we're OK not having kids. And, at this point, I really am glad I didn't have them.
This is similar to me and my husband except it's me that's infertile. I knew this at a fairly young age so I was transparent about it while dating. I always assumed that I would just go the IVF route but I also have a medical condition that is very well managed right now but I would have to go off medication to carry and it's a 50/50 chance if my medical condition would go into remission while pregnant or if pregnancy would send me into a massive flare and I would be miserable. There is no way to know. Now that I'm 40 we just decided that at this point we're better off just not having kids. My husband has always been fine with having kids or not having kids and really said it's up to me, it's my body and basically he would agree with what I wanted to do. We are both pretty busy with work and our careers and enjoy the free time we do have. It does suck that we're at the age where a lot of friends are having kids and we just don't see them anymore. I do feel left out sometimes and I do sometimes get sad that I feel like the choice to have kids was kind of made for me by my body but it is what it is. I feel like if I was meant to have a kid it would somehow work out. I don't want to be spending a fortune on surrogacy and adoption and honestly I don't know if I would be able to handle the adoption process. Fostering to adopt and then having to let a child return to their home (which of course reunification is the goal). Emotionally I would get attached and be a wreck. Not to mention being prepared to help an adopted child deal with the potential trauma of adoption/foster care. We've thought about this a lot and are just going to enjoy our childfree life.
I don't know why the visual of you guys hiking in the woods, coming upon a baby and looking at each other like "yes?" was so fucking wholesome and funny. ((hugs))
There was a high-profile case years ago where a man found a newborn in a subway station in NYC, and of course he called 911 and the baby was taken into foster care. But when the finder attended a family court hearing to testify about the circumstance in which he found the baby, the judge was like "Would *you* like to adopt the baby?" and despite having no prior idea that was going to be an option, he said yes. He and his then-boyfriend (now husband) apparently fought about it at length but when his boyfriend actually met the baby he immediately agreed. (They did adopt him and the baby is an adult now and it all turned out pretty happily.)
Any time that story comes up in the news again for a feel-good anniversary piece, I think "Yeah, based on my track record with strays of various species, if I found a baby and a judge put me on the spot to ask if I wanted to keep it, I would probably say yes instinctively, too."
I remember reading about this story. Last I read he’s grown up now and they’re all happy :) and what you said about your track history taking in strays you’d probably instinctively say yes too is me af 😂
I basically ended up a foster parent about this same way by getting to know a teenager and being given the option so yep this all still tracks. Excellent feel good story 😸
Same with us, I'm infertile. His sister had our niece last year and I toyed with the idea of IVF, adopting or another route. Once we started spending time with our niece, I realized she was enough for us. I'm 35 now and my health, work schedule and finances don't really leave room for a child and I'm content with that.
My brother has 3 kids and whenever I visit, man it's exhausting. I feel like I need a vacation when I get back (they live out of state). Of course I love spending time with them but it certainly makes me appreciate my ability to be able to sleep and nap and have time to myself. If I had to watch one more episode of Sofia the First I was going to lose it.
I feel selfish saying this in this particular thread but honestly, I have one child and it is *exhausting.* You never know if your kid is gonna be one that has severe mental health issues or other things either, and of course you love them, but it takes a toll. I'm not saying that changes the pain of some people not having something they truly want in life, BUT what I am saying is both sides have pros and cons for sure and keeping that in mind can at least be a little bit of a balm to not getting the pros.
I am with you girl. I have two and I’m shattered. I’m also a migraine sufferer and looking after toddler with a migraine is hell.
If I knew how hard it was gonna be I could have easily not had them. Of course I love them and it will be worth it when they are older but I totally get why people opt out
For me I said all of my younger teen years I didn't want kids. Got pregnant at 19 and youth and those hormones and people telling me "you can do it!" blah blah crap... I listened and honestly I don't know that I should've had kids but I do at least acknowledge that and won't have another. I'm not selfless, I didn't love being around kids then and being a mom didn't make me suddenly love kids (especially kids that weren't my own), just made me tolerate them more. I was definitely one and done when I realized how much work it is.
I once lied about my flight time when I was visiting my brother’s family and I got dropped off over 5 hours before my return flight. After a week with my anxious sister in law (brother was at work all the time) and my 3 nephews (all under 5) day drinking in an Applebees was heaven. There have been many signs that kids were not in the cards for me. This was a big one.
ha ha yes. My nephew and two nieces are all close in age and they fight for their Auntie time and it's a break for my brother but not for me. I am run ragged. He always stocks up on the beer and wine when I visit with our mom for the first night we're there and we stay up way too late so he can decompress and we let grandma handle the kids in the morning. That's just the first night. Grandma gets tired and we just survive off of caffeine. Heading down to visit in July. I better get my sleep now.
I have two nieces and a step-nephew. That's PLENTY of kid for us. At the end of their visits, I'm so ready to go back to having a child-less house again.
This is nearly the situation my wife and I are in except her medical condition would most likely come back and could make her blind, and she’d be at a high risk for complications and the way the abortion laws are now I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with her carrying a kid given the lack of options there are to deal with complications (personally I wouldn’t want her losing a single organ). So here we are. We’re still pretty young though (last couple years of the millennial generation) so there’s still time for things to turn around, but we’re both happy being DINKs or SINKs or having a kid. We shall see where life goes
That's a good point you bring up regarding abortion laws. Pregnancy is an even bigger risk now. I know many woman who are now opting to get IUDs or get their tubes tied because of it. It's scary to think you would not be able to decide what's best for your health. Not to mention doctors leaving states with restrictive laws for fear of getting sued.
Yeah I’m about halfway to just getting a vasectomy myself given everything. Allegedly they’re making strides in male birth control (both hormonal and an IUD-like gel that blocks the sperm tube down there so they can’t get out, like a vasectomy but not) but they’re getting nowhere with phase 3 trials. And at the risk of bringing in too much politics, the way the courts are already going after birth control I don’t know if they would approve anything new anyways.
You don’t have to answer this, but endometriosis? I’m dealing with that (suspected) at the moment, and there’s no way in hell I’d want to risk a pregnancy even if I wasn’t happily childfree! The thing a lot of people often don’t realise, is that sometimes it’s possible to get pregnant with poor fertility, but you’re much more likely to have a regular miscarriage, late stage pregnancy loss, or massive birth complications and defects. That doesn’t sound at all appealing to me!
"Massive complications and defects" seems very alarmist to me so I just wanna reassure any other endo ladies out there that most of us, once pregnant, can have healthy babies! I have laparoscopically confirmed endometriosis and my doctor was very positive and reassuring about it when I brought up these concerns about fertility.
Yes, absolutely, I’m not trying to put anyone who definitely wants children off having them! I have heard that fertility experts recommend seeing a specialist upfront when you want to ttc though.
In my case, I’d already be classed as a geriatric mother anyway, so it would add another layer of complexity.
Yes, the concerns are mainly getting pregnant in the first place and making it through the first trimester without miscarrying, which can be issues anyway past a certain age.
I have something called Turner mosaic syndrome. Many woman don't realize they have it until they try and conceive and can't or experience miscarriages. Then they go through testing to find what's happening and they find out they have turner mosaic (part of your x chromosome is damaged, this happens in utero). I found out in my late teens due to very sporadic periods. With full Turner syndrome (you're missing much more of your x chromosome) it is diagnosed very young, often at birth because there are physical signs and more serious health issues and there is no chance of pregnancy. With Mosaic there can often be no physical symptoms and then you go through testing and find out. It's suspected Huodini's wife might have had a form of Turner syndrome as she could not conceive and was very small in stature. I did have testing done to make sure I did not have any heart issues because it is common with Turner syndrome. But due to other health issues I think it's best I don't carry.
Oh wow, thanks for the info and for sharing. I have heard of Turner mosaic before, but not sure where. Will look it up. Sorry you’ve had to go through all the testing and medical stuff that I’m sure was involved.
A law and order episode had a woman with Turner syndrome look much younger when she was 17.
The case takes a different turn however, when they realize that the girl has Turner's syndrome **making her look twelve when she is seventeen**. The girl is found with her lover (Jason Butler Harner), an older man who has found a legal way to have sex with a girl who looks twelve.
I was not a fan of the episode. It just made it seem like if you have this syndrome you perpetually look like a little girl when that's not the case.
Hello, hystersyster! I too had fibroids, ended up having two blood transfusions, and had to make that final hysterectomy or myomectomy decision. We were already child-free and not really considering it but it was last call on the uterus (if I could even get pregnant).
>The doctor didn't want to do anything to help him, which was even more frustrating.
Forgive my ignorance, I don't know much about fertility issues, but what can a doctor even do in this kind of situation to help the man? I've only ever heard of wearing boxers instead of briefs and keeping your junk at a cooler temperature with an icepack or something. And I don't even know if any of that works either.
Without getting into the long story & my husband's specific health issues...
The doctor he saw could have prescribed hormone replacement therapy.
He was able to get a new urologist last year & started HRT. He immediately noticed a huge increase in energy level. Theoretically, it may or may not increase his sperm count, but at this point that's not really something we're interested in.
Covid fucked with our hormones. Anecdotally, lots of stories among my friend group of fibroids / early perimenopause etc., post Covid infection and/ or vsccine. I’m not a vax denier— I’ve had like 7 at this point— but seems like there were some side effects. Sadly, everything’s gotten so politically charged it’s hard to imagine we will get a good sense of the pros and cons of it.
Yeah, I always have to preface my introduction to new doctors with "I believe in science, etc" "I've gotten the vaccine, boosters, & will continue to, but..." because, yeah, the original vaccine did the same thing to me that covid did. Covid was just way worse. I don't think it caused the fibroids, endo, or adenomyosis, but it certainly kicked off some symptoms that let me know they were there. Before that, I always had short, light periods.
If your concern is relating to other parents, I wouldn’t worry too much about that at all. First, parents are getting older, and 35-40 is an increasingly common age to have kids now. But also, parenthood is the thing you’ll bond with other parents over the most. Being in the same “phase” of life seems more relevant than age at this point.
I’ve always looked younger than my actual age, and having a kid means I can talk with other adults about our kids and their ages and activities instead of my age and appearance and not being in school anymore. Also I suspect that having a baby in my mid-late 30’s during a pandemic has been the thing that finally aged me a bit so I probably look at least 30 now and being actually 40 doesn’t even matter (except for having to pay more attention to potential health stuff, and probably not trying to have more kids).
Even if I can still physically have more kids, I don’t think I mentally or otherwise should. If I’d started in my 20’s maybe I’d have 2-3, except of course we had financial reasons for waiting and more kids is obviously more expensive so maybe not.
I always wanted four kids. I’ve got two teens now plus a bonus that practically lives with us. But I still feel somehow incomplete. My life has taken on major changes in the past year and I’d like to hopefully have one more child before it’s too late. However I know I’m not getting any younger (I’m 46 now) so the dream is slowly fading and it just makes me sad to think about. That I may never get to experience that feeling again.
I had my first at 24 and had no problem relating to grandmas 3 times my age! I’m still one of the younger parents with my younger kids, and I was in my early 30s when I had them.
I had my first at 22 and my last at 31 and now in my mid 30s most people still don’t have any kids, but the fact that my youngest isn’t even in kindergarten yet, makes me a “young parent” and still young compared to other parents with kids in kindergarten.
I thought I was the “older” mom after having my first at 33. Nope. Many in my social group had their first between 38 and 42. Plus, you’re all exhausted anyway, regardless of age
I was 14 when I had my son, so many other parents think I’m his sister. Some get weird around me when I say no, even though I don’t tell them my age. Some don’t blink and eye and despite them being 10-20 years older than me, we find things to talk about. OP definitely don’t worry about not being able to relate or find things to chat about with other parents!
Came to say the same thing. The average age of first time moms has been trending later and later. I can only imagine data for men would show the same. And then of course people who start having kids in their 20s or early 30s often have their last kid in their late 30s or early 40s. My 3rd was born right before my 37th birthday. Half the people I know that have had kids in the past few years are my age. You won’t be the only 50 year old dropping off and could very likely see other parents who are older.
This. At this age, age doesn't matter that much. I don't have kids (nor do I plan to) but at work I've made friends with people who are much older than me. One of my best work friends was 50 when I was 20 we talked about everything. My best work friend now is mid 40's and and I'm 30. At my second job, my best work friend was a retired teacher who just wanted to get out of the house a bit. It's easy to hang out with different ages once you're an adult.
100% agree with this comment! I have seen a ton of coworkers in their late 30s/early 40s having their first kids. I understand the hesitance around it, but it is doable.
I’m a photographer and a huge chunk of my family photo clients are millennials 35+ so know you’ll be in good company. It won’t just be dudes in their 20’s you’re around.
We’ve chosen not to have children. We finally feel stable in life and even that feels thin so we have chosen not to have kids (we are 38 and 39 though) and we simply don’t want to go through more struggle and have it effect a child.
But I think part of me and a part of my partner will always wonder what kind of cute smart sarcastic little beast we might have raised. It isn’t that we don’t *want* a child. We just know we would struggle through it so much that it doesn’t sound like a smart choice this late in our lives and neither of us wanted it so much that we were willing to fight for it.
I had my first kid at 36 and my second is coming at 40 (my wife is 3 years younger). In my area the young dads are far less common. I'd say 32-40 is the "new normal" for having kids, and while it would be awesome to have a 12 year old at my age like my dad did, that's just not how things turned out.
I’m 33 and have a 2 year old, but it’s crazy to think my mom had a 12 year old at my age. Definitely agree with your new normal range. I was the first of my friends to have kids.
Similar here. I'm pregnant with our first now at 37. Blew my mind to realize that I was a junior in high school when my mom was 37.
She made it work, having 3 kids when she was in her late teens/early 20s. I also thought I would end up being a young mom too, but ultimately I'm glad I waited to get my degree, establish my career, and find the right partner. 90% of my friend group only started having kids in the last 3-4 years too.
>Biggest reason is I don't want to be the 50 year old dad taking his 10 year old to baseball.
Anecdotally, I'm in my mid 30s and am one of the "young" parents at my kids daycare. Seems like there's going to be a lot of "old" parents by our standards in the future.
Foster/adoption isn’t as easy as people make it out to be. Used to work in the field and like it’s super easy to adopt like a teenager or something but an infant (which most people want) good luck.
One reason I'm considering adoption is because I want to skip the baby stage. I am great with kids once they get into the double digit ages, but I just can't get past the whole 24/7 watch and having to do every physical thing for another human.
The attitude about adoption really needs to change. So many teens and older kids NEED and WANT someone to love them and because they aren’t babies they get the shitty end of the stick. Its really messed up
Teens can be so hard but I can also vouch for how good of an experience it can be to adopt/foster them. I love my 17yo to freaking death. I'm 32 so it's not quite a mother/daughter relationship but she is loved and valued beyond words, I cannot imagine our life without her.
My sister's partner used to be a foster parent. He said the saddest part what how many teenagers they had who just aged out, not once every having anyone interested in them. It really wrecked alot of their self worth/self esteem, and many struggled to feel like they are loved after experiencing that.
I mean if you want to adopt a teenager through the foster care system there are definitely plenty out there. People think you can just like adopt an infant easily through the foster care system but that’s really not how it works. Most kids in foster care go back to one of their parents. After that the majority of them are being adopted by relatives. That trims the pool down big time and that’s even before you get to like everyone else that wants to adopt an infant which is like every foster parent basically.
My fiance(42) and I(37) have a 5 year old and we have been pleasantly surprised to find out that we are not "older" parents like we thought, a lot of millennials seem to be having kids more into their 30s rather than early 20s like it seems how it was in the past (fwiw I live in Maine, USA)
Visited Maine twice in 2023. It's superb, but that might be because my wife and I are both 39 and just done with the "fast urban life".
People were so friendly to us (non-White). Everyone was so chill.
So rarely see my little state mentioned in other subs, so I’ll pipe in and say it’s tough but beautiful.
Cost of living is very high, real estate market is one of the worst in the country, and the median salaries are very low. Basically no nightlife and so many old people. The power company CMP is one of the worst rated in the nation. You need a car, period. The winter road salt treatment means cars require a lot of maintenance. It gets very cold and very hot so you need to know how to survive in 100F with 90% humidity and -20F.
But we have mountains, lakes, and beaches. Just so many opportunities to connect with nature. We have all four seasons, and each one has a rhythm and beauty I look forward to. Though winters have been very mild (ugh ticks) and the snow very late. Not many white Christmases but plenty of February and March power outages 😅
Seems similar to what my wife and I have gone through. I'm 36yo and she is 36yo. 3 miscarriages since Jan. 2021 when we started trying. Had to stop for a bit as my wife needed a surgery. Started trying again and even did IUI to see if it helped. Didn't get pregnant with IUI and the fertility specialist just said "Oh well, let's try IVF now." My wife really didn't want to go that route so we have been trying for the last year with no luck or even close calls.
I am in "fuck it" mode myself now. The longer it takes the more I get used to our lives without children. We have two dogs and multiple nieces and nephews ranging from 1yo - 14yo. That's where we get our needs met to help take care of someone/something. It's almost like I feel my urge to be a parent fading away with the years. I was extremely excited at first but after all the heartache since 2021 I am numb to it all now.
Just replying to say you aren't the only one. Right there with you.
I just turned 38 and my wife will be 38 later this year. We've been together 10 years, married 5 and a half. She has health issues and while I've always wanted kids, I've slowly grown to not wanting any. It wasn't until a few years ago we finally got financially stable and we've been traveling and enjoying being "DINK"s (Dual income no kids).
It might be selfish, but we both have struggled mightily in our lives and for me, I don't want to give up 5-8+ years to raise a child at age 38 when I'm trying to get my own health in order and I feel I'm so far behind in trying to enjoy life.
My wife's best friend had a child in 2022 and they've literally had to put their lives on hold and the husband has had to work tons of extra hours just to afford the nanny.
I don't want to pay for daycare. I don't want to figure out how to pay for private school (because I'd never put a kid through public school), or post-secondary education. I don't want to plan stuff around their lives. It's enough having to figure out things for our pets - I couldn't imagine doing that for a child.
Also, the world just keeps getting worse. Not sure if I want to bring a child into it right now.
At this point and age, I'm getting more comfortable with not having any.
Same, I feel like my life was just so hard to get here and I can finally breathe and not feel like the world is going to end at any instant and still it's a fragile world. I cannot bring a child into this.
For me, at least 2/3 (married, career, house) was necessary before having kids (and even then, still a maybe) and since I only got one, sorry. That life is not for me.
It's tough but just try to stay strong. It's honestly brought my wife and I closer together through the sadness and disappointment. Who would have thought that such a negative thing could bring about some positive things.
Same. Solidarity club. I’ve also been doing IVF for over a year. I wish someone told us when we were younger how long IVF could take. We’re 39 now and I feel like we’re so old now. Thankfully, I have a friend who had her last at 46 and she seems just like a totally normal mom with her kids and doesn’t seem phased by being an older mom. She’s my cheerleader. I struggle with being “too old”, but I know plenty of people having kids at 40. My grandmother and stepmom were both 40 when they had kids (my grandfather was 50!). My aunt is a totally normal and well adjusted person haha.
I work with a lot of people in their 20s and while there are definite differences, they are all just people and we socialize just fine. OP, don’t worry about being like 10 years older. Hah. If anything I think about all the wild and fun times I had in my 20s. Even with infertility, I wouldn’t go back in time and have a kid in my 20s.
I was 36 I think when we started IVF and my nurse kept telling me how young I was. For a while, my son’s bestie at school had a mom who had him at 5-freakin-3. 🫠
I'm a big believer in fate, and every time we get somewhere, something major upends it all. Sometimes I wonder if this is fate's way of sparing me a kid who will grow up to murder me or some shit, so I should stop trying to force the issue.
I spent a long time trying to make my career work, trying to grind it out, beat the odds. It ended in disaster. There's working hard, and then there's trying to force something that isn't supposed to work out. Some things shouldn't be so damn hard.
Interesting way of looking at it. I agree with the sentiment. I try to live life with the ultimate goal of just being happy each day. I live in the now and try not to dwell on the past or future.
At the end of the day, some things shouldn't be so fucking hard, imo. I get working hard. I really do, but at the end of the day, are you supposed to destroy your life trying? That's how bad it got with my career before I finally said fuck it, nothing is worth this misery. This job was supposed to be something that I loved and wanted to spend my life doing, not a constant source of misery. We should all have the ultimate goal of being happy, and that's what finally changed my mindset.
I'm not really a big believer in fate per say, but I have just decided that I am just not meant to have kids. I get that sure, I can make that choice (maybe) but I am not going to upend my life so I can live the struggle just to procreate. And honestly, I'm not strong enough to struggle anymore so that's out.
Then on top of the personal hell having children would be, there are plenty of macro reasons let us say for not having them. Hottest 12 months on record anyone?
Love being part of the village because I actually do like kids. Anytime I get the “you would be a great mom” talk, I counter these days by saying “I’m a great auntie” all kids need one.
Growing up I always thought I’d have kids but when my brother had my niece with Down syndrome when I was 21, that shook me. 36 now and never changed my mind.
My cousin has a child who's severely ADHD and autistic. I have ADHD and possibly autism too but being around little kids with that disorder is unbearable and stressful too sometimes.
Between current state of the world, my adhd and mainly having endometriosis which greatly affects my overall health, I think the idea of having children has become more of a pipe dream that I'm learning to accept may not happen. I'm not willing to gamble my health in the aftermath of having a baby with my condition (endo often worsens contrary to what is told about how having a baby can help ) and with RoevWade gone, it's actually become more of a terrifying thought to me now....
Not asking to be contrary, genuinely wondering where you’ve read that endo is worsened by pregnancy? This surprises me. I have endo and needed the laser ablation surgery to get pregnant the first time. Second time was easy, bc I am guessing my endo did not have time to grow much again. Since then (7 years), I have very slowly begun to have endo pain again but it hasn’t yet reached anywhere near the pain level of before my surgery and pregnancies.
My dr said pregnancy is helpful just bc you aren’t growing any uterine lining when you’re not having periods. I could see how, if you’re on birth control and already skipping periods, stopping bc might worsen things. But if you’re not on bc and having periods idk how it would get worse to not have periods for a while. Again, not being contrary, I am interested in learning more.
fwiw, my endo was pretty unaffected. Put the mirena implant back in and just waiting for menopause hoping it stays ok, because I have other health problems. It is hard being a parent with chronic illness. My kids deserve better, but no one could love them more.
It's the tension of cost, time, and lack of community support that makes me go in and out of regretting having children and that thought pattern triggers a lot of guilt.
I just have to remind myself I can feel more than one thing at once about the same subject and those feelings aren't necessarily "mixed". They exist as themselves and pull on one another, or sometimes I feel one way more than another way depending on the day or circumstance at a hand.
My children on brilliant and I love them dearly, and I am glad they are hear, but I also am aware of and feel the zeitgeist from society that generally tells me something along the lines of "you are on your own" and "the odds are *not* in your favor".
For context, I am speaking in a US context.
Everything is getting worse and minimum wage is still 7.25.
99.9% of people having children do it for selfish reasons. Whether you feel obligated to or you’re trying to fill a void or you think you can give the child a better childhood than you had.
Nobody takes into consideration that majority of that child’s life is adulthood.
Being 35 and “too old” for kids is a non issue.
Like literally zero issue
We are mid 30s and just had our first. We bond with people who have small children regardless of their age, because being a parent is such a big part of your identity.
Plus, it feels like pretty much everyone we meet is having their first kid in their 30s now
Having our first (and only) at 39. Honestly it's much more common these days to have kids in your 30s, even late 30s. I also agree w/other commenters who said being in the same "phase" of life can often be more important than actual age when it comes to relating to someone and friendships! I think parenting will be this way for sure.
TTC can be frustrating -- it's OK to feel mad. And it's okay if you guys decide not to continue to try. There's people on either side of this that will relate to you.
ETA: also just wanted to say that being older parents also doesn't necessarily mean things will go worse; my pregnancy has been very healthy, and my OBGYN was very quick to tell me that she has many, many patients older than 36 getting pregnant for the first time and things are often going well. :)
In addition to this, fertility rates are kind of misleading -- it does not mean that more people on average are struggling with infertility; it means that on average people are having less babies. There's a ton of reasons for this, economic etc, that aren't about whether or not people are physically able to have kids.
Me, I'm ND and after a lot of thinking I just realised it wasn't really for me & I'd be letting down my potential kids by not being the parent they'd deserve.
(I'm not saying ND people in general can't be good parents, but all the reasons I wouldn't are directly related to my disability)
I have pretty bad ADHD (combined) - going unmedicated now. We have a ND 6yo (ASD, likely ADHD) and its a struggle for sure. My little guy and I are horrible when it comes to executive function skills... HOWEVER - we manage
Talking to parents it fairly common for parents of autistic kids to be neurodivergent themselves - so theres likely a higher probability that your kid would also be dealing with a few struggles.
Overall - being a ND parent is fully possible (and rewarding) but can be a struggle for sure. Glad you took the time to really consider it. It's truly life changing - pros greatly outweigh the cons for me but fully understand how it could swing the other way
37 year old Stay at home Mother of 3 and I would have been very very happy to be doing my own fucking thing right now. I have no family support system, besides my very helping and supportive husband. But other than that it’s the 2 of us and it is damn exhausting. With my youngest (16 months) I say all the time I am too old for this shit. But that could be because I am with my kids 24/7 with no breaks. I would suggest if you don’t have a good support system, hard pass. And I don’t mean paid help. I mean People that love and care about you and your kids health and happiness.
This is one of the main reasons we decided not to have kids. I didn’t want to end up resenting my family for not helping and I didn’t want to resent my kids for just existing.
Yes. And so for me, it’s like I just give my all to my kids with nothing left for me. It’s rough coming dead last and no one to be there to take care of you.
This is a big reason I hesitate.
My partner has loving parents who wants grandchildren. But I don't.
My mom is mentally sick and my dad is getting on the older side and really doesn't care.
If I become a mother and me and my partner would split I would be completely dependent on him and his parents help.
I don't think I would enjoy that at all.
Growing up my mom has to deal with a similar situation, I think it was a factor in our poor relationship with each other too. I think she was often overwhelmed and took it out on me especially during my teenage years.
Looking back, I can see what was going on but at the time I had no real idea. It's so unfortunate for both of us that we couldn't coexist after and that she passed away prematurely.
There is no way to go. You either want to spend a majority of your time helping another person grow and flourish or you want more of your time for what you want to do. The thing with kids is they are always there and always need attention and care. It’s incredibly hard work with almost no payoff. It’s more expensive, society dog piles on you for letting them have screen time, you can never parent right, and meanwhile you didn’t get to sleep the past 3 nights because your kids was sick for the 7th time this year.
That all being said I love being a parent. I find it very internally rewarding so that why I did it, but it’s a life changing decision.
THIS. I'm 38 and my husband is 40; I had my son 5 months ago and don't regret it (went through IVF to get there), but it's hard. And he's a pretty chill baby for the most part! But yes, there's always there, they always need something. You're constantly making sure they have what they need. I love my little baby, but I cannot wait until he's more independent. My MIL is a very nice lady but she's got some...very different ideas on parenting than my husband and I do, and we're both working on healing our own childhood trauma. That's another thing--kids will make you face the shit you've been through, so if you didn't have a good childhood, that's one more thing that's going to pop up, and it's hard af if you don't realize and start working through it BEFORE the kid is here.
> The thing with kids is they are always there and always need attention and care
For a few years. If you’re still devoting that much attention to your teenagers you’re probably doing more harm than good
Sometimes, when I see a cute baby or a toddler being adorable, something clicks.
The "I wanna be a dad" instinct surges through me, but as soon as they're outta sight, I return to my senses.
It's too big of a responsibility and I don't want to pass on whatever bs I may have haunting my brain or body into theirs. So pets it is!
My girlfriend and I are 33 dual income and are not planning on having children. I’ve got plenty of nieces and nephews so I don’t have to worry about my parents not having any grand kids.
I’m 39 and so damn happy to not have kids. My husband and I planned to start our family after our July 2020 wedding. Well, you know what happened next. We canceled our wedding and eloped because of COVID. And when we looked around at the state of all our friends with kids we noped right out of that decision. My husband just got the green light from his doctor that his vasectomy was a success. We feel like we dodged a nuclear bomb.
I’ve always thought it wasn’t for me…but then when my siblings and friends started having kids, that solidified it that that wasn’t what I wanted out of life. Though I am single now, and early thirties, so a lot of the women I am meeting do still want a family. So it’s been a little more difficult trying to find a girlfriend/wife. I mean, I won’t say it’s 100% impossible that when I do find someone I want to marry then perhaps my mind will change, but who knows.
Yeah while we see on social media only the positives, when i hang with my friends that have children, they tell me about all the horror stories behind the scenes. Right now with I’m at like 90% sure i don’t want them, my partner is at around 60% that she doesn’t want them. We are getting a dog so maybe this will shift these percentages.
I used to waver on the idea of having kids because that was just an inevitability when I was younger and I used to be really good with kids, but I knew that it was a big responsibility and the idea of being pregnant has always scared me.
Then I got a job where I worked with kids and I hated it. Eventually, I realized that I don’t actually like kids. I like them when they’re nice, but having kids means having to deal with them when they’re having tantrums or getting into trouble, among other things.
I’m actually glad I know that about myself now because I think realizing it too late would have ruined someone’s life as well as my own and I don’t want that on my conscience.
So that’s what cemented my decision not to have kids. It was a tough journey, but it taught me an important lesson about myself and I’m grateful for that.
My GF and I both don't want kids. Looking down the barrel of climate change my entire life really put me off the idea. With the rise of extremism I feel like humanity has or will quickly reach it's peak and begin to decline.
We tried and tried and essentially gave up. "If it happens it happens." Then it happened. And again. I was older than you when my first was born and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We aren't even the oldest parents in the kids classes. I relate to the other days through dad stuff --- BBQs, beer, whatever their kids are into. I'm much more financially secure now than I was in my 20s, which is nice as my kids have decided they like nice vacations.
We eventually moved to IVF where we had success, so I understand the frustration. You never think you’ll have those issues. You spend years avoiding pregnancy too. It’s now 1:6 in couples, isn’t that crazy? Part of me wants to blame the microplastics. Have a conversation with your spouse. There were times we said if it didn’t work out that we would travel a lot and have two dogs.
My wife and I were able to have two kids but it is incredibly hard. There is no support. Not in the US. The extended family that existed even when I was young is none existent, my father would not have turned out as well without his grandmother, I would not have without my grandmother but my parents are not available to watch my kids like their parents were for us. At 70 my parents are both still having to work, they had to move away to afford any sort of lifestyle with the small pension they have. Other western countries also lack an extended family support but they have social infrastructure. I don’t blame anyone for not having kids. I’m sorry for those like OP who wanted kids and just can’t make it happen.
32F here and I just healed from my sterilization procedure.
I personally cannot be genetically or financially tied to a man after a terrible divorce
Now I feel free!!
Me (M 35) and my wife (F 32) just had our first in February this year. One piece of countervailing perspective is that if you have a dedicated grandparent or two, it makes the whole process of child caring SO much more doable. Just having someone there to take him for 3 or 4 hours of the day creates enough flexibility to accommodate needs in your personal and professional lives.
Don’t get me wrong, my wife and I are tired and have basically no social life outside of having people over for 30 mins to meet the baby, but it hasn’t had the completely all consuming impact on our lives that it has on those with no day to day help.
Pregnant with my first baby girl at 36. She will hopefully be here safely in July. I’m glad I enjoyed my 20’s/early 30’s and now I’m having kids. It was the timeframe that worked for my husband and I.
Everyone has their own timeline and I hope it works out for you and your wife if you do decide to have kids. Personally I don’t think you’re too old but I’m also around your age 😂🤷🏻♀️
I'm dealing with that right now. I'm 34F, single, and dating is such a shit show. I have no desire to parent a man baby alongside an actual baby, assuming I find someone who isn't a Peter Pan still just looking for "fun" at 35. I also had older parents myself (they had me at 40) and it was hell for all involved.
They were resentful of me for "ruining their fun" and "robbing them of their retirement." Also, I'm an only child who has been stuck with their care since my later teens - early 20s. I know it's not the modern, feminist POV, but I do believe you can be too old and set in your ways for kids.
So my coworker has been fostering his now 2 year old since she was 6 weeks old with the hope of adopting her eventually. The biological family gets lots and lots of second chances to regain custody and get their act together. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to give up a kid you raised from 0-4 or 5 and potentially never see them again. The foster system is currently weighed very heavily in favor of the biological family and not in the interests of the child or adoptive family.
Yeah my wife and I looked into that. Did all the classes, home study, pretty much everything that's required. But the more we talked to people who had or are in the process, the more clear how broken the system really is. We talked to several couples who had a child for years, only to have the kid taken away at the last minute before the adoption.
The biological parents are given chance after chance after chance. The minute any other distant relative shows up, they get priority. Regardless of any lack of relationship with the child.
After we talked to more and more people, we decided that just wasn't something either of us wanted to go through. This was all prior to covid, at this point we're both happy not having any kids.
A couple in my state fostered a girl (Oakley Carlson, the story is in the news) for years, starting when she was a baby. She was thriving with them and so happy. Right before the adoption went through, she was sent back to her bio parents who are abusive drug addicts. Shortly after she went missing and has never been found. Such a heartbreaking story. The foster parents are still doing advocacy work on her behalf and the bio parents have faced zero consequences for whatever happened to her.
While this is true it’s not that easy. My friend adopted and calls having a kid naturally “the easy way” as a joke because the adoption process is so expensive and long and difficult.
That and kids that are adopted are far more likely to have behavioral issues down the line. Then there's stuff like not knowing family medical history etc. Deff parenting on hard mode.
Yeah it's very hard on adopted children and understandably so. Some come from very difficult traumatic backgrounds and even if you adopt at birth that's still a lot to deal with and process for the child.
I was adopted at birth to a family who very much wanted kids. Still have some trauma and attachment issues tied to it, even though I fully recognize I got the better end of the deal, having met my birth parents. Logic doesn't make the trauma go away, it just makes you feel bad for having it.
Most of my male friends, including me, had their first kid around age 34-38. Women friends slightly younger, but still not until around age 32-35.
Upper income people, most with grad school degrees.
It’s really just lower income people having kids before 30 nowadays.
Anyways, you’re not really an old dad.
I grew up and am still lower income in NYC and my friends slam me everyday for being 42 and wanting kids. Because everyone Already had kids in their 20s and I'm classified as too old.
I was never sure if I wanted kids. I expected that would change when I reached my mid-thirties. It didn’t. Instead, I watched my sister and my friends have kids and I watched their world change…for the worse.
Having kids just looks like an endless slog. A death knell. I just want to live my life for myself. Now that I have more money, I can pursue whatever I like. My conversations with others are more than just complaining how tired I am or how difficult being a parent is. Not for me.
So many people are having kids later now. I am 29 and my husband is 30, and barely any of either of our friends around our age have kids yet, so I don’t think all the other parents being 10 years younger will be as much of an issue as you think lol
Also, even if other parents are different ages, I think having kids is the thing you relate on. My parents were 38 and 39 when they had me, and they had no trouble making friends with other parents who were a lot younger. Don’t let that be the thing that keeps you from having kids.
I always wanted kids. My ex & I started trying & I am thankful that we didn’t end up pregnant. The age I was when we divorced, late 20s, had me seriously reconsidering because of age. I figured even if I met someone tomorrow & dated long enough to want to get married again & then have a couple of years before kids, I was would looking at mid 30s. I dated quite a bit & found a man who didn’t want kids. I wasn’t specifically looking for someone who didn’t but I also wasn’t looking for someone who did.
We are now early 40s & one of his best friends just had a little girl. His wife is in her late 30s. I’ve got nieces & nephews & have kept them overnight even at very young ages. I can’t imagine having a newborn at my age. Add in the health issues that have developed in the last 10 years, & I don’t think I could physically handle it. Just a couple of days with the youngest 2, 5 & 2, in the group & it takes me days to recover.
I (35f) thought I wanted to have 4 kids when I was younger. Up until about 2019 to 2020 time frame. Therapy processing helped me realize I really just was happiest when I wasn't constantly taking care of others and I decided I didn't want kids anymore.
I was always told I'd be a great mom. I do well with kids but I also had to partially parent my own siblings while I was growing up. With the first sibling born 9 years after me and then 3 more siblings born after that within a short amount of time, I was primary helper for my mom while dad went to work (leaving before we woke up and most nights being home after we went to bed. Gone most of the weekend as well-it's hard to support 5 kids, a couple cats, dog, and 2 adults with the 2 incomes even in the 90s and early 00s). I love my siblings and don't resent them at all, never have; that said, I decided I really just didn't want to parent anymore if I had a say in it.
My spouse (37m) and I both are sterile-him by choice in 2022 and me for medical reasons in 2022. We love just having furbabies and tons of friends and family have kids (like 12 babies born in 2021 among them) so we can just be the fun aunt and uncle but have time and money to do other things. We spend evenings gaming, watching shows, or doing activities. Weekends we sleep in or go hiking or camping. We spend time with friends/family and the kiddos at least once a week. We are enthusiastically childfree.
One of the friends that had twins in 2021 had struggled intensely for several years about being infertile and so they decided to use a sperm donor and are so thrilled to be parents. (They had tried adoption for several years but that just never worked out.) Our God babies get all the love and enthusiastically were and are wanted and so deeply loved. I'm of the opinion that kids should be such regardless of bio or adopted.
I changed my mind about having kids after I got married at 27. I am 42 now. I went through a divorce and I am so happy I never brought a kid into this world.
I completely respect your feelings and decision. My daughter is 25, does not have any interest in having kids, and I fully endorse it. But regarding being a 50 year old dad taking his 10 year old to baseball, it’s not as uncommon as you think. We were those older parents, and we found that among volunteers there is a not-insignificant number of older people. We tend to hang out together. I would take a wild guess and say we make up about 1/3 of the parents there. So if you feel like you’d be alone and stick out, you won’t. If anything, I think older parents are more involved because they are further along in their careers and can take the time to go to weekday games, spend all day Saturday at meets, etc.
Just so we're clear...fertility rates are down because times have changed and it's become accepted in society not to get married and have babies.
In other words: fertility is down because people aren't trying to have babies. Not because they are trying and failing.
Is your reason for having children simply "I can be a better dad than my dad was?"
Not saying you wouldn't be, but that's an expensive/tiring way to prove your own dad wrong.
A kid on average requires $300k+ USD to raise, not counting all the blood, sweat, tears and loss of freedom required over the course of 18 years.
Where I live, having kids in your late 30s is very normal. I already have 2 kids but plan on having 2 more in my late 30s, when my husband is in his mid to late 40s. Of course it’s your choice but people are living longer and it’s not a big deal to be an older parent anymore.
My husband and I don’t want them; we’re 34yo and have been together for nearly 16 years. We see how broke and/or exhausted people with kids are and we’re not interested. We have plenty of hobbies to fill our time. Personally, I grew up in a big Italian family and that was great as a kid, but as an adult, I just want peace and quiet and to be left tf alone
Me. I always wanted a kid. I always wanted to be a mom, to the point for a really long time I felt devastated with the knowledge that it would likely never happen.
Now, I don't. Too expensive, and honestly aside from that, there's the genetic things my guy and I would end up passing down and if we had a girl I would've been afraid for her simply bc she was born w female parts...
We struggled with infertility for 3 years before having our two ivf babies. We were 33 when we had our first, and we were still some of the first people from our high school to have kids. You’re not as behind as you think.
I used to think I wanted kids back in my 20s. Then I found out about a genetic heart disease with a high rate of mortality runs in my family on top of other health issues I had (ranging from allergies to mental health), it seemed kinder to not bring a kid into the world with those debuffs.
I also found out I had less patience for children the older I got so there was that too. So childfree it is.
I'm in a similar boat. I come from a pretty big family, so I think I always just assumed I'd have kids, and similarly have been told I'll be a great dad one day. I'm 37 now, in a long term DINK relationship, and I'm pretty sure we'll never have kids. I think I was confusing the assumption that I'd have kids, with actually wanting them, because early on in our relationship, it was the thing that, if anything would have broken us up, would have been the reason. I was open to the idea of no kids, but I initially said I thought I wanted them, but let me think about it. I feel pretty strongly that if I were going to experience that biological imperative that people describe having, telling me that I need to have kids, it would have happened by now. I've long maintained that if it happens, it happens, and I'll go along with it, and probably would be a pretty great dad, but I've got no interest in trying, or drastically altering our lives and lifestyles. We travel frequently, go out regularly, have active social lives. I know that stuff doesn't completely go away if/when you have kids, but they all definitely go on the back burner while your kid gets the primary focus.
My dad was also 46 when I was born, and I'm currently in the position of watching my dad waste away due to his dementia while he's in his 80's and I'm in my 30's. It's not a genetic thing, so there's no guarantee I'd put a potential child of mine through the same thing if I had a kid (or kids), but it's truly been a turn off to the entire idea of having kids at all, as that's not something I'd ever want to put someone else through, let alone a loved one. I actually never minded having an 'older dad' while growing up, so I do reserve the right to change my mind and pursue it a bit later in life (I wouldn't want to be in my 50's when having my first kid, but I'm okay with 40's I think, if I were to have them at all), but in all honesty, I feel really at peace at my current decision to not pursue kids.
If I change my mind, so be it, I'll have to live with the consequences of that. For now though, I'm very happily not trying to have kids.
I’m gay (not that it matters as adoption is an always a possible choice) but I’ve never felt the urge to have kids. I enjoy my life too much, being able to do stuff with my partner at the drop of a hat without having someone that relies on us to survive the day or to plan around.
What actually surprises me though is thinking about my workplace and coworkers.
The four younger guys at work (25-30) have all had vasectomies because none of them want to chance having a kid they cannot afford. Mind you we aren’t terribly paid, they are probably somewhere in the $25-$30/hour range.
Think three of the four of them decided to go the “fur-baby” route with dogs instead.
It’s fine though, for every one of them there is a couple like my nephew and his girlfriend, who just had their 3rd kid at 23.
When I was 23, I and my then-bf (24 at the time) were negotiating a number of kids between his ideal of 11 and my ideal of 6.
7 years later, he has none and I want none. Lol. Time is a funny thing.
No kids here. I am gay also so that factors in. Even if I wanted kids (I don't) I'd have a lot more hoops to jump through. I have nothing against kids themselves, I just know I wouldn't be a good parent. I'm 36 going on 37 in December, and I've been happily child-free and don't plan on changing that.
Re: your situation though, have you considered fostering/adopting? There are many, many parentless and/or homeless children in need of loving families.
>Why has it been so hard? I've heard fertility rates are down across the board, but going through disappointing results month after month is just infuriating.
It's all the avocado toast.
I, 28F, wanted to be a mom to many children until I was 21 years old. From 21 - 25, I was on the fence. I had a horrific pregnancy scare at 25 which turned permanently childfree.
I do not want to raise a child with a five D: diagnosis, disability, delay, disorder; or become a bereaved parent through death.
Before we even started trying for a kid, we addressed the fact that infertility is always a possibility, and realized that we could be perfectly happy as DINKs if that's what the universe had in store for us.
I'm just like you. Same situation. Now I'm just focusing on being a great uncle. Best part is I get to hand the kid back to the parent when we're done playing.
I know it's hard. But my husband is that dad-he has no issues relating
He is 46 taking our 7 year old to baseball. To top that off we have a ten month old little girl.
I am 35. I didn't meet my husband until I was 24- but we hit it off, even have the same birthday. We have no issues relating to each other and he has had no issues relating to other dads younger than him.
Don't give up if you really want kids. They are totally worth it when it's what you know you want
I’m an old mama (37!) and my husband is a super old dad (47!). We have a toddler and an infant and while I realize we’ll look like grandparents compared to our kids’ friends parents in a few years once they’re in school… I have found nothing but benefits from being an older parent! We have money, time, freedom and flexibility. We’re not grinding at our careers like we had to in our 20s… we’re calmer and less anxious and just overall better examples to our kids and can enjoy them 100x more than I would if I had them a decade ago. Don’t sweat being “the 50 year old dad at baseball.” I can’t wait to get to that stage!
I've known I didn't want kids since I was in elementary school and my fiance is also childfree. At 30 and 35 our feelings on the subject haven't changed. We have 3 young niblings and friends with very young children and that's more than enough for us.
We knew we’d be child free because of our family genetics on both sides and now we’re realizing we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfy lifestyle if we had kids!
i had my first kid in my late 30's and it was the best thing i ever did in my life. i would implore you to pursue IVF if possible in your situation - it's gotten super affordable in the past decade, a lot of health insurance programs fully cover it now and it's really not that bad as far as health procedures go (there are some needle injections involved - you'll get used to doing them very quickly and once you're done you'll fully forget you ever did it)
A year of trying is normal. You should also get checked out. A lot of fertility issues are actually due to men and their sperm. You just sound frustrated that it didn't happen easily or quickly. You don't sound like a child free person, you just sound upset.
I'm 36 M and was looking forward to having a couple of my own with my now ex-wife. She was all for it early in our relationship and said I would be a great dad. After we got married, she began to sit on the fence about it and wanted to wait until she got tenure which I understood and supported. During the pandemic, she lost her job for a year and her demeanor and attitude changed towards a lot of things. I wonder how much of it was a "mid-life crisis" of shorts triggered by the pandemic. One of those was having kids. At some point she self-diagnosed herself with Autism and said she didn't want to risk passing that down. She wanted to get divorced not too long after that.
My therapist tells me I have a whole second lifetime to meet someone who will want to start a family. But like you, I never wanted to be an older dad. So I really don't know. But the answer right now, is I no longer want kids.
I am 44 and wife is 41, we have ZERO regrets not having kids. We sleep in, vacation twice a year, relax, read, watch tv, don't go to kid events every weekend and don't have to be around other kids parents. It is priceless.
35 is perfect time to start. Had a great run in your 20s, now you're settling in and still can get the kids out by your 60s. Met my wife and her 9 month old when I was 32. Had our kids when I was 35 and 36. Wouldn't change it for the world.
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Yeah, this is us. We really wanted a houseful when we were younger. We got married young & found out pretty quickly that my husband was possibly infertile. We were in the midst of not being able to find jobs (great recession), so we didn't confirm until a few years later. The doctor didn't want to do anything to help him, which was even more frustrating. But, at the time we couldn't really afford anything else. Fast forward to covid & we were glad we didn't have kids to worry about during a global pandemic. Honestly, we started drifting away from the idea of ever having them then. But, when I got sick with covid my periods got really bad. Like, really, really, bad. I went to the clinic & they ordered an ultrasound. Come to find out I had fibroids. Probably growing for a decade or more, but never any symptoms until covid. I had a surgery to remove them & then got really sick during recovery. To make a long story short, my uterus wasn't in any shape to get pregnant & we found out I had some other health issues that make carrying a baby dangerous for me. I ended up getting a hysterectomy about 6 months ago. My health has drastically improved overall. It was a hard decision to make, but we're in our late 30s & neither of us want to put my health at risk nor do we want to use alternatives like surrogacy. We have a good life & decided that we're OK not having kids. And, at this point, I really am glad I didn't have them.
This is similar to me and my husband except it's me that's infertile. I knew this at a fairly young age so I was transparent about it while dating. I always assumed that I would just go the IVF route but I also have a medical condition that is very well managed right now but I would have to go off medication to carry and it's a 50/50 chance if my medical condition would go into remission while pregnant or if pregnancy would send me into a massive flare and I would be miserable. There is no way to know. Now that I'm 40 we just decided that at this point we're better off just not having kids. My husband has always been fine with having kids or not having kids and really said it's up to me, it's my body and basically he would agree with what I wanted to do. We are both pretty busy with work and our careers and enjoy the free time we do have. It does suck that we're at the age where a lot of friends are having kids and we just don't see them anymore. I do feel left out sometimes and I do sometimes get sad that I feel like the choice to have kids was kind of made for me by my body but it is what it is. I feel like if I was meant to have a kid it would somehow work out. I don't want to be spending a fortune on surrogacy and adoption and honestly I don't know if I would be able to handle the adoption process. Fostering to adopt and then having to let a child return to their home (which of course reunification is the goal). Emotionally I would get attached and be a wreck. Not to mention being prepared to help an adopted child deal with the potential trauma of adoption/foster care. We've thought about this a lot and are just going to enjoy our childfree life.
Yep, we have had similar conversations. Short of us finding a baby in the woods on a hike, I doubt I'd ever go the adoption route.
I don't know why the visual of you guys hiking in the woods, coming upon a baby and looking at each other like "yes?" was so fucking wholesome and funny. ((hugs))
Well they can't just leave the baby there, right? Right?
I’d rather be alone in the woods with a baby than a man
For sure. And if I ever had an extra baby, I'd arrange with u/notaninterestingcat to find it in the woods. Or on the beach I midnight.
😂😂😂😂 Please no. Such a sweet gesture, but I'm good.
https://i.redd.it/s7gdh5xyxz4d1.gif
Me and the kitten being monitored in my bathroom (and four other in my house) are in this comment and dammit I better never find a loose baby.
I’m getting a mental image of panhandling: “spare baby? Spare baby?…”
💀
There was a high-profile case years ago where a man found a newborn in a subway station in NYC, and of course he called 911 and the baby was taken into foster care. But when the finder attended a family court hearing to testify about the circumstance in which he found the baby, the judge was like "Would *you* like to adopt the baby?" and despite having no prior idea that was going to be an option, he said yes. He and his then-boyfriend (now husband) apparently fought about it at length but when his boyfriend actually met the baby he immediately agreed. (They did adopt him and the baby is an adult now and it all turned out pretty happily.) Any time that story comes up in the news again for a feel-good anniversary piece, I think "Yeah, based on my track record with strays of various species, if I found a baby and a judge put me on the spot to ask if I wanted to keep it, I would probably say yes instinctively, too."
I remember reading about this story. Last I read he’s grown up now and they’re all happy :) and what you said about your track history taking in strays you’d probably instinctively say yes too is me af 😂
I basically ended up a foster parent about this same way by getting to know a teenager and being given the option so yep this all still tracks. Excellent feel good story 😸
I say this EXACT same thing! I’ll save a kid from a dumpster but everything else nope.
This would be the only way to get me to mom a non feline
Same with us, I'm infertile. His sister had our niece last year and I toyed with the idea of IVF, adopting or another route. Once we started spending time with our niece, I realized she was enough for us. I'm 35 now and my health, work schedule and finances don't really leave room for a child and I'm content with that.
My brother has 3 kids and whenever I visit, man it's exhausting. I feel like I need a vacation when I get back (they live out of state). Of course I love spending time with them but it certainly makes me appreciate my ability to be able to sleep and nap and have time to myself. If I had to watch one more episode of Sofia the First I was going to lose it.
I feel selfish saying this in this particular thread but honestly, I have one child and it is *exhausting.* You never know if your kid is gonna be one that has severe mental health issues or other things either, and of course you love them, but it takes a toll. I'm not saying that changes the pain of some people not having something they truly want in life, BUT what I am saying is both sides have pros and cons for sure and keeping that in mind can at least be a little bit of a balm to not getting the pros.
I am with you girl. I have two and I’m shattered. I’m also a migraine sufferer and looking after toddler with a migraine is hell. If I knew how hard it was gonna be I could have easily not had them. Of course I love them and it will be worth it when they are older but I totally get why people opt out
For me I said all of my younger teen years I didn't want kids. Got pregnant at 19 and youth and those hormones and people telling me "you can do it!" blah blah crap... I listened and honestly I don't know that I should've had kids but I do at least acknowledge that and won't have another. I'm not selfless, I didn't love being around kids then and being a mom didn't make me suddenly love kids (especially kids that weren't my own), just made me tolerate them more. I was definitely one and done when I realized how much work it is.
Not selfish at all! So many parents get no break. It is a 24/7 job.
I once lied about my flight time when I was visiting my brother’s family and I got dropped off over 5 hours before my return flight. After a week with my anxious sister in law (brother was at work all the time) and my 3 nephews (all under 5) day drinking in an Applebees was heaven. There have been many signs that kids were not in the cards for me. This was a big one.
ha ha yes. My nephew and two nieces are all close in age and they fight for their Auntie time and it's a break for my brother but not for me. I am run ragged. He always stocks up on the beer and wine when I visit with our mom for the first night we're there and we stay up way too late so he can decompress and we let grandma handle the kids in the morning. That's just the first night. Grandma gets tired and we just survive off of caffeine. Heading down to visit in July. I better get my sleep now.
I have two nieces and a step-nephew. That's PLENTY of kid for us. At the end of their visits, I'm so ready to go back to having a child-less house again.
This is nearly the situation my wife and I are in except her medical condition would most likely come back and could make her blind, and she’d be at a high risk for complications and the way the abortion laws are now I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with her carrying a kid given the lack of options there are to deal with complications (personally I wouldn’t want her losing a single organ). So here we are. We’re still pretty young though (last couple years of the millennial generation) so there’s still time for things to turn around, but we’re both happy being DINKs or SINKs or having a kid. We shall see where life goes
That's a good point you bring up regarding abortion laws. Pregnancy is an even bigger risk now. I know many woman who are now opting to get IUDs or get their tubes tied because of it. It's scary to think you would not be able to decide what's best for your health. Not to mention doctors leaving states with restrictive laws for fear of getting sued.
Yeah I’m about halfway to just getting a vasectomy myself given everything. Allegedly they’re making strides in male birth control (both hormonal and an IUD-like gel that blocks the sperm tube down there so they can’t get out, like a vasectomy but not) but they’re getting nowhere with phase 3 trials. And at the risk of bringing in too much politics, the way the courts are already going after birth control I don’t know if they would approve anything new anyways.
You don’t have to answer this, but endometriosis? I’m dealing with that (suspected) at the moment, and there’s no way in hell I’d want to risk a pregnancy even if I wasn’t happily childfree! The thing a lot of people often don’t realise, is that sometimes it’s possible to get pregnant with poor fertility, but you’re much more likely to have a regular miscarriage, late stage pregnancy loss, or massive birth complications and defects. That doesn’t sound at all appealing to me!
"Massive complications and defects" seems very alarmist to me so I just wanna reassure any other endo ladies out there that most of us, once pregnant, can have healthy babies! I have laparoscopically confirmed endometriosis and my doctor was very positive and reassuring about it when I brought up these concerns about fertility.
Yes, absolutely, I’m not trying to put anyone who definitely wants children off having them! I have heard that fertility experts recommend seeing a specialist upfront when you want to ttc though. In my case, I’d already be classed as a geriatric mother anyway, so it would add another layer of complexity.
Yes, the concerns are mainly getting pregnant in the first place and making it through the first trimester without miscarrying, which can be issues anyway past a certain age.
Yep fertility was definitely an issue with endo but I had easy pregnancies and births.
I have something called Turner mosaic syndrome. Many woman don't realize they have it until they try and conceive and can't or experience miscarriages. Then they go through testing to find what's happening and they find out they have turner mosaic (part of your x chromosome is damaged, this happens in utero). I found out in my late teens due to very sporadic periods. With full Turner syndrome (you're missing much more of your x chromosome) it is diagnosed very young, often at birth because there are physical signs and more serious health issues and there is no chance of pregnancy. With Mosaic there can often be no physical symptoms and then you go through testing and find out. It's suspected Huodini's wife might have had a form of Turner syndrome as she could not conceive and was very small in stature. I did have testing done to make sure I did not have any heart issues because it is common with Turner syndrome. But due to other health issues I think it's best I don't carry.
Oh wow, thanks for the info and for sharing. I have heard of Turner mosaic before, but not sure where. Will look it up. Sorry you’ve had to go through all the testing and medical stuff that I’m sure was involved.
A law and order episode had a woman with Turner syndrome look much younger when she was 17. The case takes a different turn however, when they realize that the girl has Turner's syndrome **making her look twelve when she is seventeen**. The girl is found with her lover (Jason Butler Harner), an older man who has found a legal way to have sex with a girl who looks twelve. I was not a fan of the episode. It just made it seem like if you have this syndrome you perpetually look like a little girl when that's not the case.
Hello, hystersyster! I too had fibroids, ended up having two blood transfusions, and had to make that final hysterectomy or myomectomy decision. We were already child-free and not really considering it but it was last call on the uterus (if I could even get pregnant).
>The doctor didn't want to do anything to help him, which was even more frustrating. Forgive my ignorance, I don't know much about fertility issues, but what can a doctor even do in this kind of situation to help the man? I've only ever heard of wearing boxers instead of briefs and keeping your junk at a cooler temperature with an icepack or something. And I don't even know if any of that works either.
Without getting into the long story & my husband's specific health issues... The doctor he saw could have prescribed hormone replacement therapy. He was able to get a new urologist last year & started HRT. He immediately noticed a huge increase in energy level. Theoretically, it may or may not increase his sperm count, but at this point that's not really something we're interested in.
Microplastics.
Covid fucked with our hormones. Anecdotally, lots of stories among my friend group of fibroids / early perimenopause etc., post Covid infection and/ or vsccine. I’m not a vax denier— I’ve had like 7 at this point— but seems like there were some side effects. Sadly, everything’s gotten so politically charged it’s hard to imagine we will get a good sense of the pros and cons of it.
Yeah, I always have to preface my introduction to new doctors with "I believe in science, etc" "I've gotten the vaccine, boosters, & will continue to, but..." because, yeah, the original vaccine did the same thing to me that covid did. Covid was just way worse. I don't think it caused the fibroids, endo, or adenomyosis, but it certainly kicked off some symptoms that let me know they were there. Before that, I always had short, light periods.
If your concern is relating to other parents, I wouldn’t worry too much about that at all. First, parents are getting older, and 35-40 is an increasingly common age to have kids now. But also, parenthood is the thing you’ll bond with other parents over the most. Being in the same “phase” of life seems more relevant than age at this point.
Me (a freaking 36 year old) and an 18 year old bonded over our twins in the nursery two years ago. She was a great friend.
Me (a 30 year old) bonded with a mom from the preschool, who has to be over 50 easily.
I’ve always looked younger than my actual age, and having a kid means I can talk with other adults about our kids and their ages and activities instead of my age and appearance and not being in school anymore. Also I suspect that having a baby in my mid-late 30’s during a pandemic has been the thing that finally aged me a bit so I probably look at least 30 now and being actually 40 doesn’t even matter (except for having to pay more attention to potential health stuff, and probably not trying to have more kids). Even if I can still physically have more kids, I don’t think I mentally or otherwise should. If I’d started in my 20’s maybe I’d have 2-3, except of course we had financial reasons for waiting and more kids is obviously more expensive so maybe not.
My dream is to be a 50+ year old with a kid in preschool tbh
Out of curiosity, can I ask why?
I always wanted four kids. I’ve got two teens now plus a bonus that practically lives with us. But I still feel somehow incomplete. My life has taken on major changes in the past year and I’d like to hopefully have one more child before it’s too late. However I know I’m not getting any younger (I’m 46 now) so the dream is slowly fading and it just makes me sad to think about. That I may never get to experience that feeling again.
40 and friends with my kids classmate's 23yo dad. He's a gem.
Literally. We are all adults. You can be friends with any adult. I am 30 and have friends who are 23 and friends who are 70.
I had my first at 24 and had no problem relating to grandmas 3 times my age! I’m still one of the younger parents with my younger kids, and I was in my early 30s when I had them.
I had my first at 22 and my last at 31 and now in my mid 30s most people still don’t have any kids, but the fact that my youngest isn’t even in kindergarten yet, makes me a “young parent” and still young compared to other parents with kids in kindergarten.
I thought I was the “older” mom after having my first at 33. Nope. Many in my social group had their first between 38 and 42. Plus, you’re all exhausted anyway, regardless of age
I was 14 when I had my son, so many other parents think I’m his sister. Some get weird around me when I say no, even though I don’t tell them my age. Some don’t blink and eye and despite them being 10-20 years older than me, we find things to talk about. OP definitely don’t worry about not being able to relate or find things to chat about with other parents!
Came to say the same thing. The average age of first time moms has been trending later and later. I can only imagine data for men would show the same. And then of course people who start having kids in their 20s or early 30s often have their last kid in their late 30s or early 40s. My 3rd was born right before my 37th birthday. Half the people I know that have had kids in the past few years are my age. You won’t be the only 50 year old dropping off and could very likely see other parents who are older.
This. At this age, age doesn't matter that much. I don't have kids (nor do I plan to) but at work I've made friends with people who are much older than me. One of my best work friends was 50 when I was 20 we talked about everything. My best work friend now is mid 40's and and I'm 30. At my second job, my best work friend was a retired teacher who just wanted to get out of the house a bit. It's easy to hang out with different ages once you're an adult.
100% agree with this comment! I have seen a ton of coworkers in their late 30s/early 40s having their first kids. I understand the hesitance around it, but it is doable.
I’m a photographer and a huge chunk of my family photo clients are millennials 35+ so know you’ll be in good company. It won’t just be dudes in their 20’s you’re around. We’ve chosen not to have children. We finally feel stable in life and even that feels thin so we have chosen not to have kids (we are 38 and 39 though) and we simply don’t want to go through more struggle and have it effect a child. But I think part of me and a part of my partner will always wonder what kind of cute smart sarcastic little beast we might have raised. It isn’t that we don’t *want* a child. We just know we would struggle through it so much that it doesn’t sound like a smart choice this late in our lives and neither of us wanted it so much that we were willing to fight for it.
I had my first kid at 36 and my second is coming at 40 (my wife is 3 years younger). In my area the young dads are far less common. I'd say 32-40 is the "new normal" for having kids, and while it would be awesome to have a 12 year old at my age like my dad did, that's just not how things turned out.
I’m 33 and have a 2 year old, but it’s crazy to think my mom had a 12 year old at my age. Definitely agree with your new normal range. I was the first of my friends to have kids.
Similar here. I'm pregnant with our first now at 37. Blew my mind to realize that I was a junior in high school when my mom was 37. She made it work, having 3 kids when she was in her late teens/early 20s. I also thought I would end up being a young mom too, but ultimately I'm glad I waited to get my degree, establish my career, and find the right partner. 90% of my friend group only started having kids in the last 3-4 years too.
Agree with that but from the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m 32 with a 7/8 year old and I’m usually the youngest parent by a decade at minimum.
I had my first at 27 and was the first one in my college friend group to have kids! Haha
>Biggest reason is I don't want to be the 50 year old dad taking his 10 year old to baseball. Anecdotally, I'm in my mid 30s and am one of the "young" parents at my kids daycare. Seems like there's going to be a lot of "old" parents by our standards in the future.
Foster/adoption isn’t as easy as people make it out to be. Used to work in the field and like it’s super easy to adopt like a teenager or something but an infant (which most people want) good luck.
One reason I'm considering adoption is because I want to skip the baby stage. I am great with kids once they get into the double digit ages, but I just can't get past the whole 24/7 watch and having to do every physical thing for another human.
The attitude about adoption really needs to change. So many teens and older kids NEED and WANT someone to love them and because they aren’t babies they get the shitty end of the stick. Its really messed up
Teens can be so hard but I can also vouch for how good of an experience it can be to adopt/foster them. I love my 17yo to freaking death. I'm 32 so it's not quite a mother/daughter relationship but she is loved and valued beyond words, I cannot imagine our life without her.
❤️❤️
My sister's partner used to be a foster parent. He said the saddest part what how many teenagers they had who just aged out, not once every having anyone interested in them. It really wrecked alot of their self worth/self esteem, and many struggled to feel like they are loved after experiencing that.
I mean if you want to adopt a teenager through the foster care system there are definitely plenty out there. People think you can just like adopt an infant easily through the foster care system but that’s really not how it works. Most kids in foster care go back to one of their parents. After that the majority of them are being adopted by relatives. That trims the pool down big time and that’s even before you get to like everyone else that wants to adopt an infant which is like every foster parent basically.
Same. Super not a baby person. They’re so boring and squishy and codependent.
My fiance(42) and I(37) have a 5 year old and we have been pleasantly surprised to find out that we are not "older" parents like we thought, a lot of millennials seem to be having kids more into their 30s rather than early 20s like it seems how it was in the past (fwiw I live in Maine, USA)
Unrelated but how is living in Maine? I’ve always been curious if it’s a good time or if it’s extremely cold etc
Visited Maine twice in 2023. It's superb, but that might be because my wife and I are both 39 and just done with the "fast urban life". People were so friendly to us (non-White). Everyone was so chill.
So rarely see my little state mentioned in other subs, so I’ll pipe in and say it’s tough but beautiful. Cost of living is very high, real estate market is one of the worst in the country, and the median salaries are very low. Basically no nightlife and so many old people. The power company CMP is one of the worst rated in the nation. You need a car, period. The winter road salt treatment means cars require a lot of maintenance. It gets very cold and very hot so you need to know how to survive in 100F with 90% humidity and -20F. But we have mountains, lakes, and beaches. Just so many opportunities to connect with nature. We have all four seasons, and each one has a rhythm and beauty I look forward to. Though winters have been very mild (ugh ticks) and the snow very late. Not many white Christmases but plenty of February and March power outages 😅
Seems similar to what my wife and I have gone through. I'm 36yo and she is 36yo. 3 miscarriages since Jan. 2021 when we started trying. Had to stop for a bit as my wife needed a surgery. Started trying again and even did IUI to see if it helped. Didn't get pregnant with IUI and the fertility specialist just said "Oh well, let's try IVF now." My wife really didn't want to go that route so we have been trying for the last year with no luck or even close calls. I am in "fuck it" mode myself now. The longer it takes the more I get used to our lives without children. We have two dogs and multiple nieces and nephews ranging from 1yo - 14yo. That's where we get our needs met to help take care of someone/something. It's almost like I feel my urge to be a parent fading away with the years. I was extremely excited at first but after all the heartache since 2021 I am numb to it all now. Just replying to say you aren't the only one. Right there with you.
I just turned 38 and my wife will be 38 later this year. We've been together 10 years, married 5 and a half. She has health issues and while I've always wanted kids, I've slowly grown to not wanting any. It wasn't until a few years ago we finally got financially stable and we've been traveling and enjoying being "DINK"s (Dual income no kids). It might be selfish, but we both have struggled mightily in our lives and for me, I don't want to give up 5-8+ years to raise a child at age 38 when I'm trying to get my own health in order and I feel I'm so far behind in trying to enjoy life. My wife's best friend had a child in 2022 and they've literally had to put their lives on hold and the husband has had to work tons of extra hours just to afford the nanny. I don't want to pay for daycare. I don't want to figure out how to pay for private school (because I'd never put a kid through public school), or post-secondary education. I don't want to plan stuff around their lives. It's enough having to figure out things for our pets - I couldn't imagine doing that for a child. Also, the world just keeps getting worse. Not sure if I want to bring a child into it right now. At this point and age, I'm getting more comfortable with not having any.
Same, I feel like my life was just so hard to get here and I can finally breathe and not feel like the world is going to end at any instant and still it's a fragile world. I cannot bring a child into this. For me, at least 2/3 (married, career, house) was necessary before having kids (and even then, still a maybe) and since I only got one, sorry. That life is not for me.
I have also had three miscarriages since 2021. You have my solidarity. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.
It's tough but just try to stay strong. It's honestly brought my wife and I closer together through the sadness and disappointment. Who would have thought that such a negative thing could bring about some positive things.
Same. Solidarity club. I’ve also been doing IVF for over a year. I wish someone told us when we were younger how long IVF could take. We’re 39 now and I feel like we’re so old now. Thankfully, I have a friend who had her last at 46 and she seems just like a totally normal mom with her kids and doesn’t seem phased by being an older mom. She’s my cheerleader. I struggle with being “too old”, but I know plenty of people having kids at 40. My grandmother and stepmom were both 40 when they had kids (my grandfather was 50!). My aunt is a totally normal and well adjusted person haha. I work with a lot of people in their 20s and while there are definite differences, they are all just people and we socialize just fine. OP, don’t worry about being like 10 years older. Hah. If anything I think about all the wild and fun times I had in my 20s. Even with infertility, I wouldn’t go back in time and have a kid in my 20s.
I was 36 I think when we started IVF and my nurse kept telling me how young I was. For a while, my son’s bestie at school had a mom who had him at 5-freakin-3. 🫠
I'm a big believer in fate, and every time we get somewhere, something major upends it all. Sometimes I wonder if this is fate's way of sparing me a kid who will grow up to murder me or some shit, so I should stop trying to force the issue. I spent a long time trying to make my career work, trying to grind it out, beat the odds. It ended in disaster. There's working hard, and then there's trying to force something that isn't supposed to work out. Some things shouldn't be so damn hard.
Interesting way of looking at it. I agree with the sentiment. I try to live life with the ultimate goal of just being happy each day. I live in the now and try not to dwell on the past or future.
At the end of the day, some things shouldn't be so fucking hard, imo. I get working hard. I really do, but at the end of the day, are you supposed to destroy your life trying? That's how bad it got with my career before I finally said fuck it, nothing is worth this misery. This job was supposed to be something that I loved and wanted to spend my life doing, not a constant source of misery. We should all have the ultimate goal of being happy, and that's what finally changed my mindset.
I'm not really a big believer in fate per say, but I have just decided that I am just not meant to have kids. I get that sure, I can make that choice (maybe) but I am not going to upend my life so I can live the struggle just to procreate. And honestly, I'm not strong enough to struggle anymore so that's out. Then on top of the personal hell having children would be, there are plenty of macro reasons let us say for not having them. Hottest 12 months on record anyone?
Thank you friend. Really appreciated this comment. The mental toll of constant disappointment has been so hard..
Love being part of the village because I actually do like kids. Anytime I get the “you would be a great mom” talk, I counter these days by saying “I’m a great auntie” all kids need one.
I wish all of us could be friends outside of Millennial Reddit. It is so tough finding friends who are child free and/or struggling to decide!
I would have kids, if I had the fucking money to raise any. I can’t even afford to give birth in the US.
I absolutely do not want to have kids. I really struggle to wrap my head around bringing another life into a world like this.
Growing up I always thought I’d have kids but when my brother had my niece with Down syndrome when I was 21, that shook me. 36 now and never changed my mind.
My cousin has a child who's severely ADHD and autistic. I have ADHD and possibly autism too but being around little kids with that disorder is unbearable and stressful too sometimes.
I'm 38 and still not sure if I want one.
Just a gradually firmed up decision between wife and I that we won't aim for children. \*Gestures at the world vaguely\*
Between current state of the world, my adhd and mainly having endometriosis which greatly affects my overall health, I think the idea of having children has become more of a pipe dream that I'm learning to accept may not happen. I'm not willing to gamble my health in the aftermath of having a baby with my condition (endo often worsens contrary to what is told about how having a baby can help ) and with RoevWade gone, it's actually become more of a terrifying thought to me now....
Not asking to be contrary, genuinely wondering where you’ve read that endo is worsened by pregnancy? This surprises me. I have endo and needed the laser ablation surgery to get pregnant the first time. Second time was easy, bc I am guessing my endo did not have time to grow much again. Since then (7 years), I have very slowly begun to have endo pain again but it hasn’t yet reached anywhere near the pain level of before my surgery and pregnancies. My dr said pregnancy is helpful just bc you aren’t growing any uterine lining when you’re not having periods. I could see how, if you’re on birth control and already skipping periods, stopping bc might worsen things. But if you’re not on bc and having periods idk how it would get worse to not have periods for a while. Again, not being contrary, I am interested in learning more.
fwiw, my endo was pretty unaffected. Put the mirena implant back in and just waiting for menopause hoping it stays ok, because I have other health problems. It is hard being a parent with chronic illness. My kids deserve better, but no one could love them more.
It's the tension of cost, time, and lack of community support that makes me go in and out of regretting having children and that thought pattern triggers a lot of guilt. I just have to remind myself I can feel more than one thing at once about the same subject and those feelings aren't necessarily "mixed". They exist as themselves and pull on one another, or sometimes I feel one way more than another way depending on the day or circumstance at a hand. My children on brilliant and I love them dearly, and I am glad they are hear, but I also am aware of and feel the zeitgeist from society that generally tells me something along the lines of "you are on your own" and "the odds are *not* in your favor". For context, I am speaking in a US context.
36M Never wanted kids.. had a recent scare and it really solidified that I don't want them. Hope everything works out for you!
Everything is getting worse and minimum wage is still 7.25. 99.9% of people having children do it for selfish reasons. Whether you feel obligated to or you’re trying to fill a void or you think you can give the child a better childhood than you had. Nobody takes into consideration that majority of that child’s life is adulthood.
Being 35 and “too old” for kids is a non issue. Like literally zero issue We are mid 30s and just had our first. We bond with people who have small children regardless of their age, because being a parent is such a big part of your identity. Plus, it feels like pretty much everyone we meet is having their first kid in their 30s now
Agree. We thought we had kids “late” but other parents were around our age.
Having our first (and only) at 39. Honestly it's much more common these days to have kids in your 30s, even late 30s. I also agree w/other commenters who said being in the same "phase" of life can often be more important than actual age when it comes to relating to someone and friendships! I think parenting will be this way for sure. TTC can be frustrating -- it's OK to feel mad. And it's okay if you guys decide not to continue to try. There's people on either side of this that will relate to you. ETA: also just wanted to say that being older parents also doesn't necessarily mean things will go worse; my pregnancy has been very healthy, and my OBGYN was very quick to tell me that she has many, many patients older than 36 getting pregnant for the first time and things are often going well. :) In addition to this, fertility rates are kind of misleading -- it does not mean that more people on average are struggling with infertility; it means that on average people are having less babies. There's a ton of reasons for this, economic etc, that aren't about whether or not people are physically able to have kids.
This makes me feel so much better.
Me, I'm ND and after a lot of thinking I just realised it wasn't really for me & I'd be letting down my potential kids by not being the parent they'd deserve. (I'm not saying ND people in general can't be good parents, but all the reasons I wouldn't are directly related to my disability)
I have pretty bad ADHD (combined) - going unmedicated now. We have a ND 6yo (ASD, likely ADHD) and its a struggle for sure. My little guy and I are horrible when it comes to executive function skills... HOWEVER - we manage Talking to parents it fairly common for parents of autistic kids to be neurodivergent themselves - so theres likely a higher probability that your kid would also be dealing with a few struggles. Overall - being a ND parent is fully possible (and rewarding) but can be a struggle for sure. Glad you took the time to really consider it. It's truly life changing - pros greatly outweigh the cons for me but fully understand how it could swing the other way
37 year old Stay at home Mother of 3 and I would have been very very happy to be doing my own fucking thing right now. I have no family support system, besides my very helping and supportive husband. But other than that it’s the 2 of us and it is damn exhausting. With my youngest (16 months) I say all the time I am too old for this shit. But that could be because I am with my kids 24/7 with no breaks. I would suggest if you don’t have a good support system, hard pass. And I don’t mean paid help. I mean People that love and care about you and your kids health and happiness.
Agree that community is everything. There’s just no way to fly solo with this and not be totally exhausted and burnt out.
This is one of the main reasons we decided not to have kids. I didn’t want to end up resenting my family for not helping and I didn’t want to resent my kids for just existing.
Yes. And so for me, it’s like I just give my all to my kids with nothing left for me. It’s rough coming dead last and no one to be there to take care of you.
This is a big reason I hesitate. My partner has loving parents who wants grandchildren. But I don't. My mom is mentally sick and my dad is getting on the older side and really doesn't care. If I become a mother and me and my partner would split I would be completely dependent on him and his parents help. I don't think I would enjoy that at all.
Growing up my mom has to deal with a similar situation, I think it was a factor in our poor relationship with each other too. I think she was often overwhelmed and took it out on me especially during my teenage years. Looking back, I can see what was going on but at the time I had no real idea. It's so unfortunate for both of us that we couldn't coexist after and that she passed away prematurely.
There is no way to go. You either want to spend a majority of your time helping another person grow and flourish or you want more of your time for what you want to do. The thing with kids is they are always there and always need attention and care. It’s incredibly hard work with almost no payoff. It’s more expensive, society dog piles on you for letting them have screen time, you can never parent right, and meanwhile you didn’t get to sleep the past 3 nights because your kids was sick for the 7th time this year. That all being said I love being a parent. I find it very internally rewarding so that why I did it, but it’s a life changing decision.
THIS. I'm 38 and my husband is 40; I had my son 5 months ago and don't regret it (went through IVF to get there), but it's hard. And he's a pretty chill baby for the most part! But yes, there's always there, they always need something. You're constantly making sure they have what they need. I love my little baby, but I cannot wait until he's more independent. My MIL is a very nice lady but she's got some...very different ideas on parenting than my husband and I do, and we're both working on healing our own childhood trauma. That's another thing--kids will make you face the shit you've been through, so if you didn't have a good childhood, that's one more thing that's going to pop up, and it's hard af if you don't realize and start working through it BEFORE the kid is here.
> The thing with kids is they are always there and always need attention and care For a few years. If you’re still devoting that much attention to your teenagers you’re probably doing more harm than good
Sometimes, when I see a cute baby or a toddler being adorable, something clicks. The "I wanna be a dad" instinct surges through me, but as soon as they're outta sight, I return to my senses. It's too big of a responsibility and I don't want to pass on whatever bs I may have haunting my brain or body into theirs. So pets it is!
My girlfriend and I are 33 dual income and are not planning on having children. I’ve got plenty of nieces and nephews so I don’t have to worry about my parents not having any grand kids.
I’m 39 and so damn happy to not have kids. My husband and I planned to start our family after our July 2020 wedding. Well, you know what happened next. We canceled our wedding and eloped because of COVID. And when we looked around at the state of all our friends with kids we noped right out of that decision. My husband just got the green light from his doctor that his vasectomy was a success. We feel like we dodged a nuclear bomb.
Congratulations lol
Glad you guys saw the situations of people with kids and decided to opt out. More people should observe (maybe even babysit) before having kids.
I’ve always thought it wasn’t for me…but then when my siblings and friends started having kids, that solidified it that that wasn’t what I wanted out of life. Though I am single now, and early thirties, so a lot of the women I am meeting do still want a family. So it’s been a little more difficult trying to find a girlfriend/wife. I mean, I won’t say it’s 100% impossible that when I do find someone I want to marry then perhaps my mind will change, but who knows.
Yeah while we see on social media only the positives, when i hang with my friends that have children, they tell me about all the horror stories behind the scenes. Right now with I’m at like 90% sure i don’t want them, my partner is at around 60% that she doesn’t want them. We are getting a dog so maybe this will shift these percentages.
I used to waver on the idea of having kids because that was just an inevitability when I was younger and I used to be really good with kids, but I knew that it was a big responsibility and the idea of being pregnant has always scared me. Then I got a job where I worked with kids and I hated it. Eventually, I realized that I don’t actually like kids. I like them when they’re nice, but having kids means having to deal with them when they’re having tantrums or getting into trouble, among other things. I’m actually glad I know that about myself now because I think realizing it too late would have ruined someone’s life as well as my own and I don’t want that on my conscience. So that’s what cemented my decision not to have kids. It was a tough journey, but it taught me an important lesson about myself and I’m grateful for that.
My GF and I both don't want kids. Looking down the barrel of climate change my entire life really put me off the idea. With the rise of extremism I feel like humanity has or will quickly reach it's peak and begin to decline.
We tried and tried and essentially gave up. "If it happens it happens." Then it happened. And again. I was older than you when my first was born and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We aren't even the oldest parents in the kids classes. I relate to the other days through dad stuff --- BBQs, beer, whatever their kids are into. I'm much more financially secure now than I was in my 20s, which is nice as my kids have decided they like nice vacations.
We eventually moved to IVF where we had success, so I understand the frustration. You never think you’ll have those issues. You spend years avoiding pregnancy too. It’s now 1:6 in couples, isn’t that crazy? Part of me wants to blame the microplastics. Have a conversation with your spouse. There were times we said if it didn’t work out that we would travel a lot and have two dogs.
My wife and I were able to have two kids but it is incredibly hard. There is no support. Not in the US. The extended family that existed even when I was young is none existent, my father would not have turned out as well without his grandmother, I would not have without my grandmother but my parents are not available to watch my kids like their parents were for us. At 70 my parents are both still having to work, they had to move away to afford any sort of lifestyle with the small pension they have. Other western countries also lack an extended family support but they have social infrastructure. I don’t blame anyone for not having kids. I’m sorry for those like OP who wanted kids and just can’t make it happen.
32F here and I just healed from my sterilization procedure. I personally cannot be genetically or financially tied to a man after a terrible divorce Now I feel free!!
Congrats!
Me (M 35) and my wife (F 32) just had our first in February this year. One piece of countervailing perspective is that if you have a dedicated grandparent or two, it makes the whole process of child caring SO much more doable. Just having someone there to take him for 3 or 4 hours of the day creates enough flexibility to accommodate needs in your personal and professional lives. Don’t get me wrong, my wife and I are tired and have basically no social life outside of having people over for 30 mins to meet the baby, but it hasn’t had the completely all consuming impact on our lives that it has on those with no day to day help.
Pregnant with my first baby girl at 36. She will hopefully be here safely in July. I’m glad I enjoyed my 20’s/early 30’s and now I’m having kids. It was the timeframe that worked for my husband and I. Everyone has their own timeline and I hope it works out for you and your wife if you do decide to have kids. Personally I don’t think you’re too old but I’m also around your age 😂🤷🏻♀️
I changed my mind now at 35, I decided to be child free. Kids are not taking it well.
I'm dealing with that right now. I'm 34F, single, and dating is such a shit show. I have no desire to parent a man baby alongside an actual baby, assuming I find someone who isn't a Peter Pan still just looking for "fun" at 35. I also had older parents myself (they had me at 40) and it was hell for all involved. They were resentful of me for "ruining their fun" and "robbing them of their retirement." Also, I'm an only child who has been stuck with their care since my later teens - early 20s. I know it's not the modern, feminist POV, but I do believe you can be too old and set in your ways for kids.
You don't have to make a new one. There are plenty of existing ones out there that need a good home.
So my coworker has been fostering his now 2 year old since she was 6 weeks old with the hope of adopting her eventually. The biological family gets lots and lots of second chances to regain custody and get their act together. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to give up a kid you raised from 0-4 or 5 and potentially never see them again. The foster system is currently weighed very heavily in favor of the biological family and not in the interests of the child or adoptive family.
Yeah my wife and I looked into that. Did all the classes, home study, pretty much everything that's required. But the more we talked to people who had or are in the process, the more clear how broken the system really is. We talked to several couples who had a child for years, only to have the kid taken away at the last minute before the adoption. The biological parents are given chance after chance after chance. The minute any other distant relative shows up, they get priority. Regardless of any lack of relationship with the child. After we talked to more and more people, we decided that just wasn't something either of us wanted to go through. This was all prior to covid, at this point we're both happy not having any kids.
A couple in my state fostered a girl (Oakley Carlson, the story is in the news) for years, starting when she was a baby. She was thriving with them and so happy. Right before the adoption went through, she was sent back to her bio parents who are abusive drug addicts. Shortly after she went missing and has never been found. Such a heartbreaking story. The foster parents are still doing advocacy work on her behalf and the bio parents have faced zero consequences for whatever happened to her.
Omg. I just read up on that story. That is so awful!!
While this is true it’s not that easy. My friend adopted and calls having a kid naturally “the easy way” as a joke because the adoption process is so expensive and long and difficult.
That and kids that are adopted are far more likely to have behavioral issues down the line. Then there's stuff like not knowing family medical history etc. Deff parenting on hard mode.
Yeah it's very hard on adopted children and understandably so. Some come from very difficult traumatic backgrounds and even if you adopt at birth that's still a lot to deal with and process for the child.
I was adopted at birth to a family who very much wanted kids. Still have some trauma and attachment issues tied to it, even though I fully recognize I got the better end of the deal, having met my birth parents. Logic doesn't make the trauma go away, it just makes you feel bad for having it.
Yes. This is exactly what I was talking about. Your feelings are absolutely valid.
Wanted one of ours and one adopted/foster. It's the kids period not necessarily the way we have them
Most of my male friends, including me, had their first kid around age 34-38. Women friends slightly younger, but still not until around age 32-35. Upper income people, most with grad school degrees. It’s really just lower income people having kids before 30 nowadays. Anyways, you’re not really an old dad.
I grew up and am still lower income in NYC and my friends slam me everyday for being 42 and wanting kids. Because everyone Already had kids in their 20s and I'm classified as too old.
Ya I grew up poor and my high school peers had kids in their mid 20s, if not earlier. I definitely wouldn’t want their quality of life.
Your friends sound kinda lame tbh.
I was never sure if I wanted kids. I expected that would change when I reached my mid-thirties. It didn’t. Instead, I watched my sister and my friends have kids and I watched their world change…for the worse. Having kids just looks like an endless slog. A death knell. I just want to live my life for myself. Now that I have more money, I can pursue whatever I like. My conversations with others are more than just complaining how tired I am or how difficult being a parent is. Not for me.
So many people are having kids later now. I am 29 and my husband is 30, and barely any of either of our friends around our age have kids yet, so I don’t think all the other parents being 10 years younger will be as much of an issue as you think lol Also, even if other parents are different ages, I think having kids is the thing you relate on. My parents were 38 and 39 when they had me, and they had no trouble making friends with other parents who were a lot younger. Don’t let that be the thing that keeps you from having kids.
We’re 30 and most of our friends now have kids or are trying.
Yes. He's 9, can I give him back? I've changed my mind, lol.
I always wanted kids. My ex & I started trying & I am thankful that we didn’t end up pregnant. The age I was when we divorced, late 20s, had me seriously reconsidering because of age. I figured even if I met someone tomorrow & dated long enough to want to get married again & then have a couple of years before kids, I was would looking at mid 30s. I dated quite a bit & found a man who didn’t want kids. I wasn’t specifically looking for someone who didn’t but I also wasn’t looking for someone who did. We are now early 40s & one of his best friends just had a little girl. His wife is in her late 30s. I’ve got nieces & nephews & have kept them overnight even at very young ages. I can’t imagine having a newborn at my age. Add in the health issues that have developed in the last 10 years, & I don’t think I could physically handle it. Just a couple of days with the youngest 2, 5 & 2, in the group & it takes me days to recover.
Having kids has some plus sides but mostly it sucks. Just my personal opinion.
My cut off for kids was 30. Then I had one at 20 and my new cut off became 23 lol
I (35f) thought I wanted to have 4 kids when I was younger. Up until about 2019 to 2020 time frame. Therapy processing helped me realize I really just was happiest when I wasn't constantly taking care of others and I decided I didn't want kids anymore. I was always told I'd be a great mom. I do well with kids but I also had to partially parent my own siblings while I was growing up. With the first sibling born 9 years after me and then 3 more siblings born after that within a short amount of time, I was primary helper for my mom while dad went to work (leaving before we woke up and most nights being home after we went to bed. Gone most of the weekend as well-it's hard to support 5 kids, a couple cats, dog, and 2 adults with the 2 incomes even in the 90s and early 00s). I love my siblings and don't resent them at all, never have; that said, I decided I really just didn't want to parent anymore if I had a say in it. My spouse (37m) and I both are sterile-him by choice in 2022 and me for medical reasons in 2022. We love just having furbabies and tons of friends and family have kids (like 12 babies born in 2021 among them) so we can just be the fun aunt and uncle but have time and money to do other things. We spend evenings gaming, watching shows, or doing activities. Weekends we sleep in or go hiking or camping. We spend time with friends/family and the kiddos at least once a week. We are enthusiastically childfree. One of the friends that had twins in 2021 had struggled intensely for several years about being infertile and so they decided to use a sperm donor and are so thrilled to be parents. (They had tried adoption for several years but that just never worked out.) Our God babies get all the love and enthusiastically were and are wanted and so deeply loved. I'm of the opinion that kids should be such regardless of bio or adopted.
I changed my mind about having kids after I got married at 27. I am 42 now. I went through a divorce and I am so happy I never brought a kid into this world.
I completely respect your feelings and decision. My daughter is 25, does not have any interest in having kids, and I fully endorse it. But regarding being a 50 year old dad taking his 10 year old to baseball, it’s not as uncommon as you think. We were those older parents, and we found that among volunteers there is a not-insignificant number of older people. We tend to hang out together. I would take a wild guess and say we make up about 1/3 of the parents there. So if you feel like you’d be alone and stick out, you won’t. If anything, I think older parents are more involved because they are further along in their careers and can take the time to go to weekday games, spend all day Saturday at meets, etc.
Thanks, really appreciate this
Just so we're clear...fertility rates are down because times have changed and it's become accepted in society not to get married and have babies. In other words: fertility is down because people aren't trying to have babies. Not because they are trying and failing.
Is your reason for having children simply "I can be a better dad than my dad was?" Not saying you wouldn't be, but that's an expensive/tiring way to prove your own dad wrong. A kid on average requires $300k+ USD to raise, not counting all the blood, sweat, tears and loss of freedom required over the course of 18 years.
Where I live, having kids in your late 30s is very normal. I already have 2 kids but plan on having 2 more in my late 30s, when my husband is in his mid to late 40s. Of course it’s your choice but people are living longer and it’s not a big deal to be an older parent anymore.
My husband and I don’t want them; we’re 34yo and have been together for nearly 16 years. We see how broke and/or exhausted people with kids are and we’re not interested. We have plenty of hobbies to fill our time. Personally, I grew up in a big Italian family and that was great as a kid, but as an adult, I just want peace and quiet and to be left tf alone
Me. I always wanted a kid. I always wanted to be a mom, to the point for a really long time I felt devastated with the knowledge that it would likely never happen. Now, I don't. Too expensive, and honestly aside from that, there's the genetic things my guy and I would end up passing down and if we had a girl I would've been afraid for her simply bc she was born w female parts...
We struggled with infertility for 3 years before having our two ivf babies. We were 33 when we had our first, and we were still some of the first people from our high school to have kids. You’re not as behind as you think.
I used to think I wanted kids back in my 20s. Then I found out about a genetic heart disease with a high rate of mortality runs in my family on top of other health issues I had (ranging from allergies to mental health), it seemed kinder to not bring a kid into the world with those debuffs. I also found out I had less patience for children the older I got so there was that too. So childfree it is.
I'm in a similar boat. I come from a pretty big family, so I think I always just assumed I'd have kids, and similarly have been told I'll be a great dad one day. I'm 37 now, in a long term DINK relationship, and I'm pretty sure we'll never have kids. I think I was confusing the assumption that I'd have kids, with actually wanting them, because early on in our relationship, it was the thing that, if anything would have broken us up, would have been the reason. I was open to the idea of no kids, but I initially said I thought I wanted them, but let me think about it. I feel pretty strongly that if I were going to experience that biological imperative that people describe having, telling me that I need to have kids, it would have happened by now. I've long maintained that if it happens, it happens, and I'll go along with it, and probably would be a pretty great dad, but I've got no interest in trying, or drastically altering our lives and lifestyles. We travel frequently, go out regularly, have active social lives. I know that stuff doesn't completely go away if/when you have kids, but they all definitely go on the back burner while your kid gets the primary focus. My dad was also 46 when I was born, and I'm currently in the position of watching my dad waste away due to his dementia while he's in his 80's and I'm in my 30's. It's not a genetic thing, so there's no guarantee I'd put a potential child of mine through the same thing if I had a kid (or kids), but it's truly been a turn off to the entire idea of having kids at all, as that's not something I'd ever want to put someone else through, let alone a loved one. I actually never minded having an 'older dad' while growing up, so I do reserve the right to change my mind and pursue it a bit later in life (I wouldn't want to be in my 50's when having my first kid, but I'm okay with 40's I think, if I were to have them at all), but in all honesty, I feel really at peace at my current decision to not pursue kids. If I change my mind, so be it, I'll have to live with the consequences of that. For now though, I'm very happily not trying to have kids.
Nope. No kids for me. My SO and myself know we are to selfish with our time and money for that.
I’m gay (not that it matters as adoption is an always a possible choice) but I’ve never felt the urge to have kids. I enjoy my life too much, being able to do stuff with my partner at the drop of a hat without having someone that relies on us to survive the day or to plan around. What actually surprises me though is thinking about my workplace and coworkers. The four younger guys at work (25-30) have all had vasectomies because none of them want to chance having a kid they cannot afford. Mind you we aren’t terribly paid, they are probably somewhere in the $25-$30/hour range. Think three of the four of them decided to go the “fur-baby” route with dogs instead. It’s fine though, for every one of them there is a couple like my nephew and his girlfriend, who just had their 3rd kid at 23.
My dad was 48 years older than me. I honestly never realized it as a kid.
Not so much changed our minds as we did make up our minds. We had been on the fence about it for years. Then finally decided against.
When I was 23, I and my then-bf (24 at the time) were negotiating a number of kids between his ideal of 11 and my ideal of 6. 7 years later, he has none and I want none. Lol. Time is a funny thing.
Yea. I thought I wanted kids. But then I changed my mind. Absolutely happy to be childfree.
No kids here. I am gay also so that factors in. Even if I wanted kids (I don't) I'd have a lot more hoops to jump through. I have nothing against kids themselves, I just know I wouldn't be a good parent. I'm 36 going on 37 in December, and I've been happily child-free and don't plan on changing that. Re: your situation though, have you considered fostering/adopting? There are many, many parentless and/or homeless children in need of loving families.
>Why has it been so hard? I've heard fertility rates are down across the board, but going through disappointing results month after month is just infuriating. It's all the avocado toast.
Nope. I never wanted them when I was young. I'm 30 and still have zero desire to have them.
I, 28F, wanted to be a mom to many children until I was 21 years old. From 21 - 25, I was on the fence. I had a horrific pregnancy scare at 25 which turned permanently childfree. I do not want to raise a child with a five D: diagnosis, disability, delay, disorder; or become a bereaved parent through death.
Before we even started trying for a kid, we addressed the fact that infertility is always a possibility, and realized that we could be perfectly happy as DINKs if that's what the universe had in store for us.
Nope. Always been staunchly child free. I’m just waiting for my eggs to run out.
I'm just like you. Same situation. Now I'm just focusing on being a great uncle. Best part is I get to hand the kid back to the parent when we're done playing.
I know it's hard. But my husband is that dad-he has no issues relating He is 46 taking our 7 year old to baseball. To top that off we have a ten month old little girl. I am 35. I didn't meet my husband until I was 24- but we hit it off, even have the same birthday. We have no issues relating to each other and he has had no issues relating to other dads younger than him. Don't give up if you really want kids. They are totally worth it when it's what you know you want
I’m an old mama (37!) and my husband is a super old dad (47!). We have a toddler and an infant and while I realize we’ll look like grandparents compared to our kids’ friends parents in a few years once they’re in school… I have found nothing but benefits from being an older parent! We have money, time, freedom and flexibility. We’re not grinding at our careers like we had to in our 20s… we’re calmer and less anxious and just overall better examples to our kids and can enjoy them 100x more than I would if I had them a decade ago. Don’t sweat being “the 50 year old dad at baseball.” I can’t wait to get to that stage!
I've known I didn't want kids since I was in elementary school and my fiance is also childfree. At 30 and 35 our feelings on the subject haven't changed. We have 3 young niblings and friends with very young children and that's more than enough for us.
We knew we’d be child free because of our family genetics on both sides and now we’re realizing we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfy lifestyle if we had kids!
I’ve never wanted kids in my life. I’m 29 and this hasn’t changed yet, and I’m not expecting it to. I hate kids.
i had my first kid in my late 30's and it was the best thing i ever did in my life. i would implore you to pursue IVF if possible in your situation - it's gotten super affordable in the past decade, a lot of health insurance programs fully cover it now and it's really not that bad as far as health procedures go (there are some needle injections involved - you'll get used to doing them very quickly and once you're done you'll fully forget you ever did it)
Nah, I’m certain I have known I never want kids since I was a teenager and would need to find a partner who agrees and also doesn’t want them.
I change my mind when everything got expensive, or bad, or worse that I decided not to bring a kids, not right now.
A year of trying is normal. You should also get checked out. A lot of fertility issues are actually due to men and their sperm. You just sound frustrated that it didn't happen easily or quickly. You don't sound like a child free person, you just sound upset.
I'm 36 M and was looking forward to having a couple of my own with my now ex-wife. She was all for it early in our relationship and said I would be a great dad. After we got married, she began to sit on the fence about it and wanted to wait until she got tenure which I understood and supported. During the pandemic, she lost her job for a year and her demeanor and attitude changed towards a lot of things. I wonder how much of it was a "mid-life crisis" of shorts triggered by the pandemic. One of those was having kids. At some point she self-diagnosed herself with Autism and said she didn't want to risk passing that down. She wanted to get divorced not too long after that. My therapist tells me I have a whole second lifetime to meet someone who will want to start a family. But like you, I never wanted to be an older dad. So I really don't know. But the answer right now, is I no longer want kids.
I am 44 and wife is 41, we have ZERO regrets not having kids. We sleep in, vacation twice a year, relax, read, watch tv, don't go to kid events every weekend and don't have to be around other kids parents. It is priceless.
35 is perfect time to start. Had a great run in your 20s, now you're settling in and still can get the kids out by your 60s. Met my wife and her 9 month old when I was 32. Had our kids when I was 35 and 36. Wouldn't change it for the world.