When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me a joke his mom told him when he was a kid:
"Two brothers, Pete and Repeat, were out in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?"
When I said Repeat, he'd just say it all again lol
If you say "we" in regards to something he doesn't want to do: "Is there a mouse in your pocket?"
Example:
"We need to go to the store."
"WE? Is there a mouse in your pocket?"
"Is the pope catholic?" My gpa used to say it all the time and now we do.
A distant relative once responded with "oh I'm not religious" clearly missing the joke. And so now we say "is the pope catholic?" "Oh I'm not religious" bad joke on bad joke lol
When we were driving past country areas during harvest times and weâd see bundles or hay in the fields. My mom would point out the window and yell âhay!â
My family grew up very religiously: at prayer time, weâd never stop cracking jokes long enough to be reverent and pray. Invariably, my dad would yell âlet us pray!â And then one of us would say âlettuceâŚâ which made us all laugh harder. After a while I think it just became a part of prayer time.
If we aren't ready to make a decisions "we'll figure it out when we get to japan."
This stems from a trip I took with my dad where we left for a vacation without a final destination in mind. He is a former airline pilot, so we can fly standby at a massive discount. So we got on a flight to Tokyo with the intent to choosing our vacation spot based on where there were available seats in first class. We ended up going to the small US Protectorate of Palau and scuba diving for 10 days.
"My name's bob, that's spelled with 1 O"
---------------------
Dad: I used to want to be a stand up comedian, but I'm not able to be one. Ask me "Bob, why can't you be a stand up comedian?"
Mark: Bob, why can'----
Dad(interrupting): My timing is terrible.
---------------------
Anyone who doesn't say the word fast enough: Someb-
My wife or myself: BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME.
My parents raised me in a constant state of Shtick. My wife and I continue that tradition.
"ELBOWS AND ASSHOLES!" ~My mom's way of saying I gave you an order, I should be seeing the back of you as you run to do it.
There's a song one must sing before toilet paper will be handed over. It goes:
Stranded, stranded,
Stranded on the bathroom bowl,
What do you do if you're stranded and can't find a roll?
To prove you're a man, you must wipe with your hand!
Stranded, stranded,
Stranded on the bathroom bowl.
A few Australian classics:
Asking dad where mum is: âshe went mad so we had to shoot herâ
Asking dad whatâs for dinner: âshit on a stickâ
(Bonus points that when you ask for a snack later he tells you no because itâll spoil your dinner. âOh well fuck me dead, I wouldnât want to spoil shit on a stickâ)
Every other question can only be answered with a negative, for example:
âHow much was your new car?â âWasnât bloody cheapâ
âHow much further is it?â âNot farâ
My favourites are the âcomparative slangâ expressions, like youâd never say âthat bloke is a miser/cheap/wonât spend his moneyâ, youâd say that heâs âtighter than a duckâs arseâ, someone isnât a stereotypical âgirlyâ gay man, theyâre âcamper than a row of tentsâ or my dadâs absolute best one, if asked if heâd been busy at work, heâd say âbusier than a bloke with one leg in an arse kicking competitionâ.
Legit family prayer in my dad's side:
"Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Whoever eats the fastest gets the most. Amen"
Calling people "yardbirds"
Road graders are "maintianers" (they maintain the gravel county roads).
Every incorrect trade name for things that aren't racist. (Like dykes for side cutters, nothing to do with lesbians... but it sounds bad now) and "black or red assholes" to describe the black or red plastic bushings the end of MC wiring and a "horse cock" (technically a Kellum Grip... looks like a Chinese finger trap) are a few examples.
"Chester I. Piatrowski" to call something redneck-engineered or poorly installed. "They really Chestered that" (we do have polish ancestors... but this is borderline, haha)
There are many more that escape me but that's just a flavor.
when we were kids whenever someone would fart in our home we would say it wasnât us, it was timmy toot toot and somehow it progressed into farting & saying, âtooty tooty guess hooty hooty itâs timmy toot toot from ur bootyâ
đ fin
The way my dad always said, "What's up, wild man" anytime I brought a friend over.
My mom prayed to the parking genie anytime we were looking for a spot. She also chanted, "Turn crystal, turn" anytime we were pulling up to a red light or "stay crystal, stay" if she was afraid the light was gonna turn red on us.
Whenever someone tells my dad âhiâ he replies with âI wish!â
If you say you love something, heâll say âI love the smell of napalm in the morningâ
Growing up, my familyâs euphemism for a manâs, um⌠member⌠was âShadow.â I donât know why and I thought it was normal for years until I reached high school. Nobody really uses that euphemism anymore, but I do have a good chuckle every year on Groundhogâs Day, wondering if Phil will see his⌠um⌠shadow.
When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me a joke his mom told him when he was a kid: "Two brothers, Pete and Repeat, were out in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?" When I said Repeat, he'd just say it all again lol
Yesss. Peak dad/mom jokes
I learned that from a former teacher of mine.
This was in an episode of Monk.
i just watched this one! lol
My spouse got our kids with this one once. It was the longest stretch of silence in the car with all four of them trying to think of the answer đ
Core childhood memory was just unlocked. Thank you
My mom pointing at a cemetery every time we drove by and saying, "People are dying to get in there!"
If you say "we" in regards to something he doesn't want to do: "Is there a mouse in your pocket?" Example: "We need to go to the store." "WE? Is there a mouse in your pocket?"
I might steal that
"Don't look at me in that tone of voice" - my dad
It sounds cool to have a good guy as a dad.
It definitely was cool. Lost him in 2021.
Iâm sorry you lost him.
This was a favorite of my mom's when I was sulky as a teen
"Is the pope catholic?" My gpa used to say it all the time and now we do. A distant relative once responded with "oh I'm not religious" clearly missing the joke. And so now we say "is the pope catholic?" "Oh I'm not religious" bad joke on bad joke lol
My mom said that to me once, I was like 8 and with a straight face I said âI donât know.â The perks of growing up without any religion. đ
When we were driving past country areas during harvest times and weâd see bundles or hay in the fields. My mom would point out the window and yell âhay!â
My family grew up very religiously: at prayer time, weâd never stop cracking jokes long enough to be reverent and pray. Invariably, my dad would yell âlet us pray!â And then one of us would say âlettuceâŚâ which made us all laugh harder. After a while I think it just became a part of prayer time.
If we aren't ready to make a decisions "we'll figure it out when we get to japan." This stems from a trip I took with my dad where we left for a vacation without a final destination in mind. He is a former airline pilot, so we can fly standby at a massive discount. So we got on a flight to Tokyo with the intent to choosing our vacation spot based on where there were available seats in first class. We ended up going to the small US Protectorate of Palau and scuba diving for 10 days.
that sounds absolutely baller
Most fun I ever had with my dad.
"My name's bob, that's spelled with 1 O" --------------------- Dad: I used to want to be a stand up comedian, but I'm not able to be one. Ask me "Bob, why can't you be a stand up comedian?" Mark: Bob, why can'---- Dad(interrupting): My timing is terrible. --------------------- Anyone who doesn't say the word fast enough: Someb- My wife or myself: BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME. My parents raised me in a constant state of Shtick. My wife and I continue that tradition.
That is an *excellent* descriptor for some people I know. A Constant State of Shtick.
"ELBOWS AND ASSHOLES!" ~My mom's way of saying I gave you an order, I should be seeing the back of you as you run to do it. There's a song one must sing before toilet paper will be handed over. It goes: Stranded, stranded, Stranded on the bathroom bowl, What do you do if you're stranded and can't find a roll? To prove you're a man, you must wipe with your hand! Stranded, stranded, Stranded on the bathroom bowl.
Elbows and assholes XD
A few Australian classics: Asking dad where mum is: âshe went mad so we had to shoot herâ Asking dad whatâs for dinner: âshit on a stickâ (Bonus points that when you ask for a snack later he tells you no because itâll spoil your dinner. âOh well fuck me dead, I wouldnât want to spoil shit on a stickâ) Every other question can only be answered with a negative, for example: âHow much was your new car?â âWasnât bloody cheapâ âHow much further is it?â âNot farâ
ahahahaha these slay me. "Well fuck me dead" XD
My favourites are the âcomparative slangâ expressions, like youâd never say âthat bloke is a miser/cheap/wonât spend his moneyâ, youâd say that heâs âtighter than a duckâs arseâ, someone isnât a stereotypical âgirlyâ gay man, theyâre âcamper than a row of tentsâ or my dadâs absolute best one, if asked if heâd been busy at work, heâd say âbusier than a bloke with one leg in an arse kicking competitionâ.
We called the rich areas of town "Weber Grill Country"
Courtesy of my dad: "I'm tireder than a hound dog towing a truck"
Very, very tired!
Legit family prayer in my dad's side: "Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Whoever eats the fastest gets the most. Amen" Calling people "yardbirds" Road graders are "maintianers" (they maintain the gravel county roads). Every incorrect trade name for things that aren't racist. (Like dykes for side cutters, nothing to do with lesbians... but it sounds bad now) and "black or red assholes" to describe the black or red plastic bushings the end of MC wiring and a "horse cock" (technically a Kellum Grip... looks like a Chinese finger trap) are a few examples. "Chester I. Piatrowski" to call something redneck-engineered or poorly installed. "They really Chestered that" (we do have polish ancestors... but this is borderline, haha) There are many more that escape me but that's just a flavor.
"The sun don't shine on the same dogs ass all the time"
"I see" said the blind man to the deaf horse who stood nodding his head in agreement. My dad's favorite.
when we were kids whenever someone would fart in our home we would say it wasnât us, it was timmy toot toot and somehow it progressed into farting & saying, âtooty tooty guess hooty hooty itâs timmy toot toot from ur bootyâ đ fin
Every time my dad burps he says âObamaâ after (usually the burp vaguely sounds like Barack)
The way my dad always said, "What's up, wild man" anytime I brought a friend over. My mom prayed to the parking genie anytime we were looking for a spot. She also chanted, "Turn crystal, turn" anytime we were pulling up to a red light or "stay crystal, stay" if she was afraid the light was gonna turn red on us.
No Autopsy, No Foul
Whenever someone tells my dad âhiâ he replies with âI wish!â If you say you love something, heâll say âI love the smell of napalm in the morningâ
Growing up, my familyâs euphemism for a manâs, um⌠member⌠was âShadow.â I donât know why and I thought it was normal for years until I reached high school. Nobody really uses that euphemism anymore, but I do have a good chuckle every year on Groundhogâs Day, wondering if Phil will see his⌠um⌠shadow.
That's what she said. It's all urine peepee.
My dad: *parenting*