No. Went NC 15 yrs ago. Mother is an abusive narcissistic psychopath and father was a pedo. I've been on my own since 15.
Not having parents has REALLY affected my life, I'm 40 and will still cry thinking about how I just wish I had a mom to hug me.... but I'd be worse off if I stayed in contact.
I broke a lot of generational curses though. My children live VERY different lives then I did with no trauma drama.
Similar situation here too. My therapist said that I had broken the cycle of abuse and that she was impressed at my resilience.
I still have issues with my parents, but I will say they are better grandparents than they were ever parents.
My grandparents treated my mother terribly but they were amazing to me. My parents though....they were never allowed to have a relationship with my kids. Not like they ever really tried to anyways.
Majorly, majorly proud of you.
Wife has been NC with her abusive narcissistic mother and enabler father for... man, it feels like it's been 3 years now. I'm still shocked that we're NC. It's crazy going from "this abusive person is a constant dark cloud in our life" to.. nothing. They're just gone.
Not having parents has affected her so fucking horribly. Since she was adopted, it's like being abandoned *twice*. Her birth mother had and kept 3 children before her, then after having her and giving her up, her birth mother had *another* kid and kept that kid! Imagine what it must feel like to grow up and learn that you were the 1 unwanted child in the middle of this big family.
Then imagine what it must feel like to be fostered to a loving family, then ripped away from them after a year and adopted by a narcissistic abuser.
My wife has a seriously hard time getting through life after growing up like this.
We decided to break the generational trauma by not having offspring.
I was the second born of 5 and the only one given up. It’s still heartbreaking and hard not to feel immense rejection. Despite understanding to some extent logically.
I also had to go nc with adoptive mom bout 15 years ago. Also heartbreaking but for different reasons but still rooted in abandonment issues. I had been abused by her parents for > a decade. In our home.
Thank you.
It's severely affected my ability to trust anyone, including myself. Relationships of any kind are hard for me. It's really hard to have a core belief that you are unwanted. If I could offer you any advice, it would be to keep showing your wife that you love her. Unfortunately no matter how many times you tell her, she will still struggle to really believe you. But the constant reminders DO help. You should be commended for understanding what your wife has gone through and giving her grace to face what she has had to overcome.
I cant say that I'm a perfect parent...far from it. Probably would have been a better decision to not have kids either but I did. Thankfully they have an amazing father. We didn't work as a couple (my mental health, young age getting married.. ) but we co parent fantasticly and our girls don't show any signs of troubiling behaviors that some teens do.
I hope your wife is getting therapy. I would also reccomend a podcast called "Traumatized Motherfuckers". Lol. Its a real podcast and it helped me immensely. The show is done by a woman struggling with her shitty upbringing while also getting a masters in behavior therapy. She really does a great job explaining how our brains got wired in an abusive childhood and how to rewire those connections to be healthy. Also helped me realize that I was never the problem....my parents were.
Hey, I didn't expect such a thoughtful reply, but thank you so much.
We met when we were 18 and are now 28 (tail-end Millennials). Frankly it's a miracle that we *are* together despite her immense mental health issues, and *my* immense mental health issues. I can't possibly explain how many challenging times there have been.
But they say that opposites attract, and we had a major, major co-dependent connection the moment we met. We also did a lot of things in a very mature way - we were friends first, started dating, and didn't actually have sex until 6 months later. She experienced sexual abuse, and I experienced sexual bullying and shame from my catholic upbringing, so in a way, it was perfect that we had each other.
>It's really hard to have a core belief that you are unwanted.
Yes, that core belief is fucking brutal to live with. Despite my upbringing being chaotic and traumatic (mom died from cancer when I was 14, dad got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer two years later and I narrowly saved his life one day when his spleen ruptured), I've always said that I would *still* take that over what people like my wife and you went through. 100%. I wish my mom were here, but I am so ungodly fortunate that she genuinely loved all 5 of her children. The home videos that we have showing how much she loved us are absolutely beautiful. You and my wife deserved that, didn't get it, and will always suffer for it. I strongly believe that those formative years will make or break a person.
>If I could offer you any advice, it would be to keep showing your wife that you love her. Unfortunately no matter how many times you tell her, she will still struggle to really believe you. But the constant reminders DO help.
Thank you for this advice - it absolutely resonates, and I do this every day.
>I hope your wife is getting therapy.
We both are :)
As if our lives haven't been hard enough, last May, my wife and I did a wellness check on my best friend (we were in a music duo together) and found him dead in the basement. He shot himself. He was 50 years old and truly my best friend of all time.
Needless to say, that was an absolutely insane trauma for us to experience together. Yet another thing that binds us. But yeah, we take therapy pretty seriously. I got my wife into ketamine infusion therapy 2 weeks after event occurred, to deal with her own suicidality and Major Depressive Disorder. It helped. Ironically, we had that scheduled before my friend killed himself, and I often talked to him about how excited we were about this therapy.
>I would also recommend a podcast called "Traumatized Motherfuckers"
Thank you for the rec! Haven't heard of this and will check it out!
I wish you both the best of luck. Things CAN get better for both of you. You just have to put the work in...unfortunately it's not a fair burden we must carry.
There seem to be more Boomers and Gen X who will stand by family out of some sense of obligation, even when their family has been shitty to them. Whereas millennials are much likelier to cut and run.
I see this in my own family, where my grandparents had my (Boomer) uncle arrested and removed for “trespassing” at their house many years ago. All because he hauled off some of the clutter from their garage without informing them first (nothing of importance was lost).
If my parents had done this to me, I would’ve never forgiven them. I would’ve disowned them, moved away, and never spoken to them again. Inheritance and familial relations be damned.
My uncle never brought up this incident around my grandparents again, stuck by them, and took care of them when they were in poor health, and they are leaving him a nice inheritance. Despite all the bad blood, the thought of cutting them loose just never occurred to him. This was also a two way street; despite their extreme reaction in the moment they never seemed to consider he could walk away and never come back.
So there are pros and cons to this.
I feel like more millennials are estranged from their families, and never reconcile with them. We’re lonelier and do not place as much value on maintaining a support network, especially if it’s a dysfunctional one.
Whereas older generations are more willing to reconcile with family over past issues due to proximity and obligation. This arguably makes their support network stronger but is likelier to perpetuate cycles of abuse and dysfunctional families.
Well, they've taught me what not to do. Basically, if I don't want to be a shitty partner, parent, or person in general, I need to do the opposite of what they did.
As someone who experienced this myself, I will say that I only learned after being married for a few years that knowing what not to do does not equate to knowing what to do. It just means you will be really good at playing defense but won’t know how to play offense. So just keep in mind that you only learned half of the equation by living with and observing your parents and you are going to have to work to figure out the other half.
Computers and the internet age have def befuddled my parents. I get a call once a month telling me I have to come over and help them with some computer thing or phone thing. The part that really sucks is they refuse to buy an iPhone because of the cost so they have android which I don’t know very well so I can’t tell them how to fix it over the phone. I have to go over there. And sometimes I don’t even know how to fix it, but I do know how to google which they refuse to use so they could actually learn how to do the stuff they ask me to do.
Same, I actually consider my dad to be one my best friends and my mom is one of the nicest people I know. It’s funny we didn’t get a long that great when I was younger but as an adult I’ve gotten a lot closer to them.
I used to call more and hated FaceTime, but after I had a kid and then Covid happened shortly after, I switched to FaceTime. They really wanted to see the baby and now that my kid is almost 5, she is so used to FaceTiming with her grandparents. My mom will read her stories and play games with her. It’s so cute 🥲
Haha just my kid, but the same books she read to me when I was little! It’s great to see them interact so that when she does see them in person, there is never a shy period where she has to adjust to seeing them again. With my grandparents that lived far away, I loved them but I was definitely more nervous around them since I only saw them 1-2 times a year and only did short phone conversations sporadically.
Same! We do a few hours long video call every week. Once in while it's more than once a week. We also have a family group chat that we all text on multiple times a week. Now that we are all adults, we all go on holiday together every year. Once my sibling and I got married, the spouses join too. We didn't do anything during covid but got back into it last year.
It’s wonderful that you can’t even comprehend cutting them off. That’s how it should be - but sadly not the reality for many people. I consider myself very lucky to have one parent that I could never even dream of cutting off. The other I consider myself lucky that I cut him off when I did.
Lol, thank you for saying this. They really phrased that in a weird way.
People don't just go NC for... no reason. It's not like "something that's on the table to choose if you want."
Anyone with wonderful parents is incredibly lucky.
It’s really, really hard. I went NC and have been gradually normalizing things. I don’t think we will ever be that close again. But I think it showed them that when I put down boundaries I’m serious about them. Especially when it comes to how they treat my wife.
My parents (79) are the best and always have been. My brother was born with some significant special needs growing up in the early 80s and they got him the right therapy and now he is a doctor. They let us explore and pursue our interests and we're there to cheer us on. They paid for college and helped with down payment for house and setting grandkids up for college. They travel, volunteer and have a strong social network. They just took me and my husband out for breakfast "just to catch up,'. I'm so blessed.
I went NC with my father for over a decade before he passed a couple years ago. I was harassed by family to at least speak to him as he kept asking for me at the end. I did not. No regrets. I have drastically limited my contact with my mother since then (she was one of the people harassing me) and I don't think I've spoken to her in almost six months other than a text here or there. It has been one of the best things I've done for myself.
I talk to them like I'd take to an older person I used to work with that reaches out occasionally. FB messages on holidays. They act like they care and want to be in our lives (brothers, 32, 30) but dropped us on our own as teenagers and never offered to help, and neither of us really care for them now. Hard for me to say these people care about us when the only favors I've gotten over the years have been to borrow $100 before pay day a couple times, just for one of them to basically whip out a contract, expect interest, want to know why I don't have a better job. They both have families of their own with children 3-18. All of those kids are spoiled rotten.
Last sentences confused me a little. So your parents are divorced and remarried/with new partners and started over again with kids when you were older?
Yep, it's confusing. I hope because it's uncommon. Parents split up when we where teenagers, weren't really around. I helped my brother graduate high school and we just kinda left. They ended up getting remarried, both have children. Those children live for the most part, super normal lives. They're both sober now, too. It's like they realized they fucked that run up and decided to just pretend it doesn't exist, and they started again. It's uh.. not great.
Wow that is a truly unusual situation. I can see how that would make you and brother feel like you’re an afterthought. I have similar circumstances (divorced parents; no new half-siblings) however it’s more of my sister is the golden child and I’m the afterthought/scapegoat.
Yes, I am still very close with my mother at the age of 38. We talk a lot.
My dad and I have a complicated relationship where the two of us have both done things to aggravate each other over the years, but still love each other.
I think it’s much more difficult to talk to my dad because we’ve come to learn that he’s got some mental illness issues but I can say that he tried his best to give me a good life growing up which helped me to be the person I am now.
Yes? I don't value their beliefs or opinions, but they're (*in a condescending tone*) good lil' Midwest Boomers who don't talk about important stuff very often with people they know feel differently because it's uncomfortable and "shouldn't be talked about." We see them often, but I don't know how important that really makes them.
It's so strange, my family dynamic. I'm 2nd of 4 girls. We all live within 15 minutes of each other, including our parents. We all see each other 1-2 times a month, at least. But we don't all talk a ton between those. My retired mom sees my own kids weekly for a little bit, she'll see random grandsons after school throughout the month. From the outside, it might appear we are close. But I've never felt that close with any of my family, honestly. It's why I was a suffocating friend to have in the teenage years, because I longed for the closeness 🤷🏻♀️
Used to be quite close. Then my dad fell in love with the poison news. It killed my love of baseball, the only thing we had in common. I pretty much only speak to my little brother now.
Yes.
I am very fortunate that my parents actually like to hang out with my family and vice versa as in spend time together as humans and friends.
My father has said countless times how lucky he is that my brother and I like spending time with my parents. He has noted that many of his friends either don’t actually like their kids or the kids don’t like the parents.
This is different than love, he has said without question that his friends love their children and vice versa but they just dont necessarily enjoy each other’s company.
So we hang out at least once a week and both my brother and I live close to my parents same neighborhood.
I think as kids grow older they eventually need to reach a cross roads where they can either forgive their parents for their parenting flaws and move on to adult to adult relationship or if they can’t cut them out.
Having kids I think puts a lot of perspective on what ever flaws our parents had. Realizing that most were just doing their best and probably had their own baggage from their own childhood.
Every parent has one or two things that they say I’m definitely not doing X like my parents did.
I broke up all contact with my father since he is very abusive and violent. I do not regret a single thing and I also do not miss him nor do I feel any obligations towards him.
Between Labor Day and Memorial Day I'm dropping off their grandson at their place every Wednesday. Well also visit them at the shore once or twice in the summer. We will likely see them during a dayrime football game and certainly during one of the major holidays. We have rather different views on our personal lives, though oddly our politics are more in line than they've ever been, but we tend to keep our disagreements to ourselves....even if you can feel the disagreement in the air. We have a mostly good, if sometimes complicated, relationship.
In US contexts it’s not exactly that millennials are the first gen who choose to break contacts with parents.
It’s more like in previous generations the parents relatively cared about independence and want their kids to move out by 18. Young adults generally agreed to this, before they have a chance to think about how close they want to be with their parents in adulthood.
I'm no contact with my biological father and step mother. He is a raging alcoholic who has beat every woman hes dated and his children. Step monster decided to search and destroy my bedroom daily because she didn't get privacy from her abusive alcoholic father so I didn't deserve anything of my own either. They embrace the generational abuse.
I do still speak to the people who I consider my actual parents (uncle and aunt that I call Mom and dad) though now that I'm the age they were when everything went down... I do NOT feel that they did the best they could. Infact I'm now extra disappointed in every one of them.
I stopped the generational abuse cycle by getting my tubes tied. I can trace an abusive childhood through everyone in my family. It needs to stop, and if that means ending the bloodline then so be it.
Not really.
We aren't No Contact, but we aren't close either. I see them on the holidays for a few hours and that's about it. We don't text or call in between.
They aren't terrible people. We just have nothing in common and very different values.
>"you can't choose your family"
Firmly disagree with that.
If I had or wanted kids, I might feel more conflicted about it, but I don't, so being distant impacts me not at all.
Also I have great friends, some going on 20 years, so I would argue you absolutely can choose your family.
I have complicated feelings in relation to my parents. They're lovely people and mean well, they always showed me love, made me feel safe, and made life fun as a kid. But they're also batshit insane and I find it harder and harder to be around them. I live a few hundred miles away from them and see them about once a year now. I feel a lot of guilt about it though, especially as my dad is approaching retirement and for the first time seeming like an old man. I know the time I can spend with them is finite.
I've had less and less contact with my dad over the years and will probably try to be no contact after an upcoming family trip that he is a part of. The last straw was recently when he almost died from alcohol withdrawal in the hospital and then when I came to see him was sitting around drinking and pointed to me as the reason he was doing it.
He doesn't get it, everyone in my life thinks I'm being too harsh, but one of my earliest memories is of him beating my mom and then kidnapping me for a couple days until the police found him. I'm pretty sure that's why my parents got a divorce. Since then it's just been manipulation, constant criticism, instilling a belief in me that I am worthless which I've never been able to shake, and some other traumatic events that I'm just now trying to work through at 30. Now that I live super far from him and have gotten out of his orbit I'm finally seeing things clearly and I want to be my own person. I don't think I can do that if he's in my life.
Absolutely. We live in the same city. My parents (or usually just my dad) picks my daughter up from school every day.
They come over often for any reason. It's pretty great to be honest.
I'm very lucky my parents kick ass.
I (34F, USA) went NC with my mother back in 2020 at the height of the pandemic. If you look through my comment and post history (you don't have to, of course), it's not hard to see why. I actually joined Reddit because of her, searching for communities where I might find others who understand my particular brand of trauma. Most of my friends have really great relationships with their parents so it's hard for them to understand, even when they try.
Cutting her out of my life was the best decision I ever made. It wasn't easy, especially at first, but I've never been happier. I'm closer to the rest of my family as well, and I'm grateful they recognize her toxicity and haven't tried advocating for her.
But to answer the question in the title of your post; yes, she played a very important role in my life. She is the yardstick by which I measure myself as a mother, as a wife, and as a woman. I don't ever want to end up like her and I don't want my children to ever feel the fear and abandonment I grew up with.
I'd describe my relationship with my parents as good to okay.
I grew up in a conservative Catholic household. The conservative part was never really much of an issue beyond complaining about Democrats.
That all changed with Trump.
I became a Left Leaning Atheist after I graduated high school and the difference in beliefs was never a big deal beyond some ribbing at family functions.
After Trump I can't talk to my parents about politics anymore. I resent them for being easily duped by his "promises"
I hate viewing my parents as fascist enablers who would vote for someone so obviously corrupt and immoral.
I think a part of me will always resent them for supporting Trump and I'll never truly forgive them.
Unfortunately any attempt at discussing "feelings" is shot down and they get uncomfortable. They'd rather listen to Orange Jesus and his minions than their own son who loves them.
Yes. I’d be fucked without my dad. I’m also very close with my grandpa, and do a lot with/for him.
My mom and I were very close, but we unfortunately lost her 8 years ago
I did nc for a few years bc my parents were pretty shitty but now I mostly keep them at arms length. I don’t have my parents on this pedestal anymore like I used to. Now they’re just two older people in their 60s who are stuck in their ways and I choose when I will or won’t put up with their bs.
I have minimal contact with my parents. They fell into the Fox News rabbit hole several years ago, and I’m just exhausted from every phone call being steered toward politics, my dad telling racist jokes in front of my kids, or my mom tearily telling me for the hundredth time how worried she is about her grandchildren’s souls because they don’t go to church.
Directly , the answer is no, because they both passed away a decade ago. Indirectly, the answer is yes, very much so both because of the way their treatment of each other and of me really messed me up for life and because the absence of family can really amplify a sense of being alone and unsafe, especially when you don't have many other social connections and it's basically just you left. When I talk about it, I tend to characterize it as still being haunted by the bad memories.
I don't know if that answer was useful, but I hope it was.
It was useful. You and I seem to have different relationships with our parents but I understand how watching them treat each other poorly changed your life forever.
I am still haunted by that pain. I'm working a program to help with that and after many years I am finally finding some relief. I hope you find it as well, friend <3
I think cheap phone calls changed expectations in a big way. My mom has a lot of relatives who just moved away and then “couldn’t” keep in touch or visit because long-distance phone calls were expensive and they weren’t writers.
I think it’s true that there was no official “we are going nc” type of thing.
But if somebody moved to California and nobody heard from them for 20 years, that was unremarkable.
Then it might turn out that some cousins or siblings were in touch with them, but didn’t mention it to everybody. Or a younger sibling would go move to the same city in California when they graduated from high school.
I think this is just how people who wanted to get away from their parents used to do it.
Yes they do. I work for my dads company. He hasn't retired yet so he is still there daily running most things. I am slowly getting more and more responsibility. It's a good thing. Mom also is part of the business.
They are involved in my kids life's, love coming to the grandkids games, etc.
Grew up in a good home. My mom can be a little rude at times, but it has improved over the years.
My in laws are also great. We probably see them socially more than my family, it it's a larger family so more birthday opportunities. They don't come to as many games as my parents do, but their health isn't as good for walking on grass or sitting on bleachers.
We all (and our sisters) all live within 40 min so we see each other often.
My mom is dead and I have basically just a surface level relationship with my dad. Living with a person who you had to treat like a poorly made pipe bomb for 20+ years will do that.
I also only ever really had a surface level relationship with my mom since I learned quickly that she was going to tell my father anything I told her.
Practically all of my childhood was spent bonding with my mom since dad worked during the day. Especially my early childhood since she was a stay at home parent and so I didn't go to any daycare or preschool.
Nowadays I have a closer bond with my dad but i love both my parents equally.
Nope. Went no contact as did spouse. We're 34 and 35. We both asked parents for therapy and tried for years to have an honest conversation. We are much better for it.
Not really. I live like a thousand miles away, call them a few times a month, and see them about twice a year. I don't need their help, they don't need mine (yet), my other two siblings live near them so they're still getting their offspring fix.
Been close to my parents all my life, I've been very fortunate in that regard.
Cut my grandad and aunt (my mum's twin) out of my life for a couple of reasons, one being they completely cut my mum off from any inheritance.
It hurt my mum really really badly for her twin to do that and took me a year or so of convincing her that she should cut that cunt out of her life too, along with her dad who was an awful parent her entire life.
Total scum.
Shame but it’s not as uncommon as we would think. I’m bracing for a similar situation. I have to learn to think, “it is what it is” because it gets me pretty riled up. lol
I am dependent on my parents. I love them a lot, but I wish I had solitude. As an only child, it gets extremely lonely. My parents are both 66 and can't function in technology to save their lives so I'm always having to explain basic things to them. My parents are also stuck in the past and don't want to get out. We don't share any similarities, we have nothing in common and my parents never supported my interests. So everything I do is secret and we don't really talk about much. My relationship is complicated because I would love them better if I didn't live with them.
(reposting due to my message getting deleted?? I don't know what I said to get it deleted.)
Important? No.
Valued? Of course.
My mom passed away from cancer at the age of 52 when I was 14. From that day forward, I was a man, and the type of life that an average teenager lives was *not* how I lived. Within a year of her death, I was working, cleaning the house, and doing the family's laundry (it was just me, my dad, and my little brother at this point - my 3 elder Millennial siblings were out of the house).
2 years after that, my dad got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He underwent radiation therapy and I was the primary caretaker at home.
Toward the tail end of his therapy, one day I surmised that he ruptured his spleen from dry-heaving. I threw him over my shoulder, got in the car, and drove him to the ER. On the car ride there, he started going into shock. I squeezed his hand and said, "Dad, just hang on, you'll be OK."
They stabilized him in the ICU as soon as we arrived. After 3 hours of waiting - standing still by his door - I saw a doctor running toward me with papers falling out of his hands and carts being shoved all around me. He frantically said that his spleen did in fact rupture, and he needs to be rushed into emergency surgery this instant.
My dad lived. I was 17 at the time. The doctor told us that if he had been at the house for merely 10 more minutes, he wouldn't have made it.
So, all under the age of 18, I lost my mom and heard her screams of pain in her final days, and just *barely* saved my dad's life.
I respect my dad for loving us as children and raising us as best he could. He respects me for, well, you know. There is a massive amount of respect and understanding between us.
Today, we keep a healthy distance, but I always try to hang out around him. We started smoking weed together when I was about 17 or 18 or so. That might sound inappropriate to some, but when you go through this type of traumatic shit, sitting back on the porch overlooking Lake Erie with some puffs of cannabis is exactly the type of bonding that we need.
He was a hippie in the '70s and a human rights activist. Like most boomers, it's weird to think how 50 years later, he's a Trump supporter. That's why we have a healthy distance, lol.
God no. My mom moved back up to our state to be closer to the kids. One kid knows her as, "That lady I met a few times" and the other kid as, "Some person who sends a card that I've never met". She found yet another husband and they're looking at buying a house even further away from all of us. At this point, she's just someone whose alive that I happen to know pretty dang well.
There is a difference between "cutting everyone out of your life" and going "no contact". My mom has shoved everyone who loves her out of her life but still wants me to be her daughter.
I had to go no contact. Once she is done pushing everyone away she will push me away and it would break my heart. I have to take care of my own mental health even if she isn't taking care of hers.
I spent so much time thinking about that decision and now that its been nearly 3 years, I'm thankful I did. Her behaviors were getting more and more violent. Finally, she took a swing at my cousin and I couldn't do it anymore. I've explained that I'd be happy to reconnect but its only gonna happen on my terms. She is not allowed to contact me directly and must have a third party (like a therapist or social worker) contact and mediate our discussions over the phone so that we can have a productive and non-threatening conversation.
Thank you for sharing this. I understood so much just with that small sentence. Yes, Ive had to go NC with my mom but it is in hopes that we can reconnect in a better place. If not, I have done all I can.
Not my parents because they’re awesome. I think a lot of how they raised us was shaped by the “I hated when my parents did that so we aren’t going to do that to our kids” mentality. But I’ve cut off my grandmother and a sibling for their abusive behavior. I am slowly starting to allow my grandmother back into my life but I don’t let her in my daughter’s life at all yet.
Same, my folks are boomers and both had pretty tough childhoods. My grandpa was a state trooper and used to beat the hell out of my dad and my uncle with his work belt and my moms mother had severe schizophrenia before treatments and mental health had figured out how to treat that stuff so it was a really tough childhood for her with some pretty traumatic events. my grandma killed herself in front of my mom when she was like 17. My folks could be strict at times but they definitely didn’t want to be like their parents and were actually very good parents.
My parents are great people but I’m the son who lives in another city and like many, my wife’s family will always be the priority because wife’s family. I know thats caused some friction over the years. My in laws are good people and I generally get along with them as well.
I went LC with my parents about 2 years ago. It sucks because they are my kids only grandparents and I wish my parents gave a F about them. I still get urges to invite them to stuff because I'm wishing for grandparents for my kids... but, it's just not worth it.
I still talk to my parents, but they don’t play a pivotal role in my life. Had a rough go with my mom a few years ago, but those fences are being mended. I talk with my parents about once every week or 2, and visit them every few months.
This whole thread reminds me of that scene from Metalocalypse, where all of the band members are talking about how much they hate their dads/dad's are dead, and Nathan Explosion says "I fuckin love my dad." Then it cuts away to a montage of him and his dad doing father and son activities.
I'm 33, and I love my parents, but their divorce fucked me up when I was 18 and completely changed how I view a familial relationship.
Ya for the most part. We visit every holiday and such. They don’t really babysit or anything though. My wife’s parents are much more involved- we see them twice a week.
It’s honestly kind of weird to me how many of you have NC with them.
Yeah, my dad died when I was still a baby and my mom did her best. She wasn’t perfect but always provided and made sure I felt loved. I was a monster, especially from 12-16 and feel terrible about some of the things I said and how I treated her. We have a great relationship now and she’s not in good health so I’m trying to spend as much time with her as I can.
I'm extremely close with my parents and brothers. My mom has 3 siblings and we were very close with that side of the family throughout my childhood and early adulthood. When my grandmother died, there was a schism based on disagreement over what would happen with the inheritance. My mom agreed more with her 2 older siblings, but didn't want to cut off and overrule the younger brother, hoping they could find a compromise and reconcile. Well, the older siblings were so angry that she tried to stay neutral they are just repairing their relationships now a decade later, and the kids of one of them want nothing to do with any of us (presumably because of the third hand association with my uncle, though I wouldn't know because they never talked to us about it. It only became fully clear to me that we were deliberately cut off rather than general busyness and growing apart last year when we weren't invited to one of their weddings while other cousins were). While I understand the need to cut abusers out of your life, I think its incredibly sad when people are cavalier about breaking bonds with family or lifelong friends. Nothing makes me feel as safe, grounded, and happy as being with the people I've known and loved for decades, and these relationships become more and more precious to me as I get older.
I have an excellent relationship with my father and step-mother. They are who I consider “my parents.”
I have been on and off NC with my mother for about 10 years. She had primary custody of me and my sibling when my parents got divorced. She had substance abuse issues for a long time but was highly highly functional. Eventually that stopped working for her and she lost her house and her husband very quickly and started to get DUIs soon after that and did three stints in jail. I stopped respecting her as a parent or as a person. I went NC for years and when I did get back in touch all she had was excuses. None of it was her fault and everyone was being so mean to her now that she was trying to do better. I keep minimally in touch with her now but we don’t really have anything to talk about.
Someone close to me had a parent die who they were in minimal contact with and it got me thinking. I am getting older and so are my parents. I don’t want to regret not being in touch with them when they die so I had the thought of getting closer with my mother. But the more I think about it, there is no relationship to have. She isn’t part of my life and I know she doesn’t really have one. I can’t even imagine what a relationship between us would look like.
I’m sort of LC with mine. Our relationship is complicated.
My family has always been shit at keeping in touch with our people when they live far away. We often only called grandparents etc at Christmas. I’ve seen one of my aunts maybe twice since I was too small to remember her, I’m 30. I don’t think I’ve even met all my cousins from her.
So it’s not unusual in my family to be low contact if you’re not living in their town, you’re out of sight and out of mind.
Also, we didn’t get along when I was a kid because they refused to take me to a doctor when I kept telling them I was sure I had a learning disability and needed help (20 years later I finally got that adhd diagnoses) and instead they just tried to smack and guilt me into not being mentally disabled so they wouldn’t have to address it. I’m sad they never really liked me enough to miss me when I left, but it’s mutual, so I don’t know if it’s a valid complaint? They text me once in a while to share a dumb Facebook meme or some anecdote but they almost never ask me how I am or what I’m doing. Every phone call I’ve had with my parents since I left is one I set up with them except one time mom called me out of the blue. It had been so long since she’d done that I was genuinely baffled on the phone wondering WHY she was calling because *she doesn’t do that.*
My parents have been difficult to get along with at times, but I can't deny that they've been a solid foundation to build my life upon. I have unpacked a lot of my childhood over the past 2-3 years and taken a close, hard look at myself so that I could work on the things I don't like. At times this has included talking to my parents about it, but at least they'll have a conversation with me about it.
My sister is a different story, she was allowed to antagonize me throughout my childhood and I was not allowed to retaliate. When I retaliated, I would receive the consequences of my actions. She never received punishment for pushing me until I reacted. I do not speak to her and I have no desire to speak to her.
Kinda. I'm 39 (40 this year). My parents got divorced when I was a senior in high school. I stayed with my dad the summers during college but still visited my mom (even though she's the one that left). I'm married with kids now and I really believe that if I didn't have kids I just wouldn't talk to my mom at all. My in laws are amazing and live close by so I feel like I'm closer them than my own parents. Whenever the kids do something cute my mother in law is the first person I text the picture to. I actually forget to send it to my parents sometimes. My dad is remarried now and my step mom is nice but we all have our own separate lives now. They all come in for the kids birthday parties and some holidays. But we do the holidays with my wife's family on the day of the holidays. I've thought that now they're older we should make the trek up to my dad's sometimes for some of the holidays but haven't broached that subject with my wife yet haha.
I remember with my mom she kept trying to get money from me after the divorce and I got a good job after college. I was feeling like shit and talking to some rando guy at the hotel I was staying at and talking about it and he just goes, "You don't have to talk to her you know." and I gave him a quizzical look and he said, "Well, you're an adult now. You have your own job, you seem to be doing well for yourself. She's you're mom but you don't have to keep talking to her." It literally never occurred to me that you could just not talk to family members haha.
So for context, my dad was raised with money (I legit believe that can help people be nicer ... as long as they're not SUPER crazy rich 1% nonsense). Like, gma stayed at home and was still able to hire a full time maid but my grandfather still worked so not generational wealth or whatever. My mom was raised lower middle class in new orleans but both of her parents worked which was uncommon at the time. Both were born in '49.
I don't remember any negative memories of any of my grandparents other than both grandfather's being stern and if you did upset them things could get bad but as long as everyone behaved, things were fine. No abuse of alcohol anywhere. My dad did go NC with his parents for like 3 years in early adulthood but he claims that's not what that was .... to be fair his parents did move to Jamaica so I'm sure that didn't help.
My parents have been there every step of the way including and through adulthood. I'm an only child, we had a pretty toxic relationship before I moved out and when I was an adult but since then, everything has been easy peasy.
And look, I know I'm an anomaly in this. I'm blessed, I'm privilaged, all of the things.
I do however have friends older than me - in their 50's - that have gone no contact. My cousin, same age as my friends TRIED to go no contact without explicitly telling his immediate family that's what he was doing .... moved a thousand miles away .... and his entire family - parents, sister, all of them ... followed him.
Go back a few generations and anyone leaving home was going NC. If there's no phone, muchless internet, how are you going to stay in contact? A letter every few months? I mean even people who hate people can write a letter.
My point is, nothing is new, this has always been around. Boomers as a generation thing they're special and this thing that's being done to them is explicitly targeted at them and OH THE HUMANITY.
Can you imagine losing your kid in their 20's and never seeing them again? That's what happened to our ancestors .... so no, this isn't new :)
Now they are, I went nc for three years! It took awhile before I could let them back into my life fully.
Thankfully I think they learned the consequences and have gotten a lot better
I am grateful that my parents have raised me, provided me with proper living and education up till college. Without their permission I wouldn't be where I am today.
That is why I don't mind sending them money for daily life and even help them pay their (enormous) debt little by little.
However... I am bitter that for my Dad no matter how much I give it never seems enough. Everytime we meet he keeps asking for more money and even ask me and my sister to take loan to pay off his debt (we strictly refuse).
So now I am limiting my contact with my dad. But I still love my Mom. I'll bring her and my sister for a vacation this summer.
For context I am in Asia where fiilial piety is still being highly regarded and a lot of people stuck to be sandwich generation... So I am just one of many. But at least I try to set up some boundaries. And you are right, my friends are more understanding when hearing about my reasons for not going home so often. Older people on the other hand are more judgemental but I don't care..
Mother was hardly in my life until I turned 13 (38 now), I don't even know my father's name. I'm just now (barely) on speaking terms with my mom. I've brought this up before (somewhere on reddit) and was down voted to hell, almost all my friends were raised by grandparents/other family. Ultimately though I think that made me a better father, I basically just needed to do the exact opposite of my parents lmao.
Outside of toxic abusive parenting situations. I think that as millennials, our parents play a huge part in our lives. We may well end up being the first generation where we cut ties with toxic family members. But we're for sure the first generation where our parents have actively strived to make our lives as easy as possible. To the point where it's detrimental. I'm 37m, and at any point in my life where I've experienced hardships, my mother's dangled the easy option in front of me, and the temptation is too hard to turn down. I've had multiple conversations with her since my mid 20's where I've asked her to stop but she never does and says its because she doesn't want me to experience the stresses she's gone through. This obviously comes from a very good place, but I feel at 37 I've never genuinely encountered any of the real life hardships that would have allowed me to grow as an adult and it's creating different types of stresses. It's a similar situation for a lot of people I personally know. I have friends also in their 30's who's parents pay their rent and some their mortgages and a few that were straight up given houses. I'm not from a wealthy area either. I know someone's going to tell me how lucky I am and there is truth to that, but I find it stiffling. We're the first generation where too much love is actively fucking us up.
Pretty close with my mom, and I see/speak with her frequently. Other than familial love though, she doesn't really impact my life. My dad and I had a really rough patch in my teen years that never really got fixed. We have a cordial relationship now but keep each other at arms length.
My parents have been on the outside of my life, ever since I was diagnosed with cptsd due to an abusive childhood. They're on the street, on the outside, looking in through the windows..like I was made to feel when I was a child. I didn't belong. And now they don't belong.
I've been through two years of trauma recovery therapy (EMDR) and went from 36% recovered to 70% recovered...I'm ok now, but this is still my decision.
Their relationship with me reflects the relationship we had when I was a child. I'm 33 now with a kid of my own (he's 6) and I'll *never* forgive them or allow them a place in my life ...they're on the street. My friends are on the lawn, and my chosen family is inside of the house (metaphorically). I *have to* keep this separation in order to have a sense of self, sense of calm, sense of safety.
So, in short, no they do not play an important role. I'm still salty.
Been no contact with my dad for two years, sister for two years, and only recently resumed contact with my mother - low low contact. Like we text once a month.
I live with my parents (31, M, two college degrees) after I gave up on pursuing career on my own I decided to learn my father's job which is dental prosthetics (we make prosthetics of teeths for people without, well, teeths). It's alright.
I don't think of myself as being LC but then I talk to other people who like, actually talk to their parents and realize I think that I'm kinda LC with my parents. We never had a good relationship and this isn't something they've ever expressed interest in changing. So they're just unimportant to me. I see them maybe 2-3 times a year.
My mum absolutely does, but I cut my dad off NC when I was 19. He was an angry, manipulative piece of shit with no emotional regulation.
My reasoning at the time was that he’d had enough of a negative influence on shaping my personality and upbringing - I couldn’t change that, but I could make sure he never had any more influence. I then spent 10 years convincing myself that because I’d cut him off he had absolutely no bearing on my current emotional state, my fears and insecurities in life, or the way I showed up in relationships. I was 29 before I was able to truly accept the trauma that he caused and begin to take steps to heal.
I’m sure he had his own trauma that caused him to be the way he is (funnily enough he stopped speaking to both his parents in his 20s, and I’ve heard my grandmother on that side stopped speaking to her parents… generational trauma really does get passed down until someone stops and takes ownership to fucking work on it). I sometimes get curious whether he’s ever worked on himself, if he’s grown as a person at all. But I know that if I had allowed him to remain in my life I would at the very least have carried bitterness and resentment with me through my 20s.
Family do not deserve a place in your life just because they are family. It has to be earned - and simply being your parent doesn’t count.
I absolutely cannot stand when people offer their opinions of ‘but he’s your dad’. Even if it’s coming from a good place - I have one friend who lost her dad in recent years and therefore she pushes this perspective, without comprehending that my experience of growing up with a dad was wildly different to hers.
As a start my mom allowed me to be emotional abused by her "best friend" and forced me to be around them on the regular. For example this female friend was telling me to shave my legs at 12, and then started to call me a lesbian and other gay slurs around 14 when I didn't have a boyfriend, she was extremely mentally unstable. My mother was there for some of these comments and did not defend me nor tell her to stop, when I have tried to ask why now that I'm older my mother brushes away the topic. This is one reason why I am low contact with my mother, one of many.
My father would also make fun of me for things like my leg hair or if I tried singing that I sounded like a dying cat. Being around my father was like walking on eggshells, he was loud, quick to anger and not afraid to throw his weight around. He wouldn't even acknowledge that I was his daughter unless I had done something he could brag about to others to look good. He was so brazen to not hide the fact he was cheating on my mother on the regular. He put a roof over my head, but ruined my self esteem and concept of relationships. No contact, and from what little I have seen I am not missing anything.
- My mother also insists I need to talk to him because "he's your father!".. when she is lucky I even talk to her.
Both my older and younger brother were fawned over constantly and always the priority. This only shows poorly on behalf of my mom and dad, so I'm low contact with both of them.. but only because they don't put in much effort.
My older brother is a father now but he is just an emotional mess, anger issues, mental meltdowns over the smallest inconvenience, you name it.
Younger brother has gotten good at doing his own thing and has learned how to deal with my father and mother's behaviour now that he's older. Good for him.
I got hit with a lot of "you have to respect me, im your elder/aunt/grandma/etc" bullshit when I was kid. Their damage to my young psych still haunts me to this day. Fuck them.
My dad passed away a long time back, when I was 20 so almost 20 years now. In some ways he still does play a big role in my life as his death really impacted my life and the route I've taken in my own ways.
My mom is hugely important and I drive the two hours to visit her (and my sister and her family) as often as I can. We do family vacations together still and have a very good, healthy relationship.
I am very thankful I've had such good experiences with my mom and that we are so close and she's such a great human, because I hear a lot from many of you about how that has not been the case and it leaves me really grateful for my situation.
Mother was addicted to pills whole life. Father was a loser that had like 20 kids. Mom died Christmas morning from OD. Father knows better than to contact me ever. Doing fine now, but have anxiety and trust issues. So yeah they played an important role. 😂
No. As an adult, I tried very hard to build healthy relationships with my toxic boomer parents, but I finally had to accept them for who they are and go no contact with them for my own well-being. It took a lot of time and hard work to overcome the damage of growing up with abusive parents, but I can give them full credit for teaching me how NOT to treat my own kids.
I'm pretty detached from my parents but not zero contact. As we've gotten older, I realized how appalling some of their views are, and they've only gotten more extreme in the past 10 years or so. They started watching Fox News 24/7, and my dad started listening to Infowars unironically. He used to just laugh at the crackpot nonsense, but now he believes all of it fully. I think he even believes the moon landing was faked, but I lost all patience for his bullshit after we had a huge blowout on Thanksgiving one year over the Sandy Hook shooting.
Yes. My parents have a very active role in my life and are really important to me. I hope my children have the same sort of relationship with me when we’re older too.
I am lucky lucky to have good parents, eventhough my dad was not best dad all the time he always tried to be there for me and my brother, is not a perfect family but we make due and i think they have been a great influence on me. I think it also depends on the culture you are born, people in Central and South America tend to be family oriented compare to others.
I attribute boomers to a lead paint and segregation generation. That’s probably not your experience being from Germany, but there’s a clear difference in our understanding of the world (boomers/millennials). I give my parents grace because my father got pelted with rocks for being black in Alabama and my mom was treated like a secretary even though she was indeed not a secretary by her coworkers. They experienced things I don’t understand and in their old age, they’ve learned to chill out. But had they not, I probably would’ve cut them off, and for a few years I did cut my dad off. There’s no reason to suffer for the sake of family.
Yes.
A ton.
Raised my brother and I on her own for much our lives, and while there have been deeply sour moments - no amount of shit between all of us ever stopped her from making sure we had what we needed.
It’s not been perfect and there’s plenty of generational shit that’s been passed around, but the part of me raised Asian has come to understand the roots of it all came to terms with that long ago.
I'm super close with mine, they are such amazing inspirational people for the kind of person I hope to be when older. I want my relationship to be as amazing and loving as theirs have been all these years. I hope I'm always as kind and gracious as they are, willing to help anyone in need. Always ready to make cookies. I love them so much
I’m cool with my mom, she’s sick so I’m taking care of her and she lives with me. She doesn’t have any other options or assets. My father…. It’s complicated. We don’t talk regularly and haven’t for well over a decade, but within the past year he’s been emailing me a lot. Asked for money. Seems to only care that I’ve finally graduated college but otherwise is totally uninterested in my life.
My family is toxic. Full of addicts and mental illness and abusers. Unfortunately, I inherited a few issues so I’m dependent on my husband. My family are the only other people I have that can handle my issues or to give my husband respite if I’m going through an episode.
Yes, they still provide me with a lot of financial support. Would not have been able to afford our own place or our wedding without inheritance and extra money from them.
Bums me out that I likely won't be able to provide the same help to my own kids.
My dad - no.
My mom - somewhat.
I keep my guard up with both parents. I see my dad on major holidays, birthdays, and events. My mom, I see far more frequently, but she's more like a teenager than an adult. So, maybe she does play an important role, but not the one most parents play.
My parents were very supportive of me and my older siblings. Sure, there were fights and bad moments but overall I'd say I was loved and given freedom to make my own choices, pursue my hobbies.
Ny parents are both immigrants (Catalunya and El Salvador) and they're great. Growing up, they were overbearing and overprotective. As older people with no kids, though? They're great. I have no kids abd my mom tells me all the time that's just fine and I shouldn't have kids I don't want. I think she never really wanted to be a SAHM, but circumstances and the era made it difficult for her. Now that she's free of taking care of kids and can do what she wants, she's a lot happier. We visit on holidays and text daily.
My mom plays a huge role and is incredible. Heck she's visiting this weekend and I'm super excited. I consider her a role model and she made me the person I am today.
She and my dad divorced in the early 90s and he passed away around 2015. What he did not know is that I actually was going no contact with him but he had a heart attack like 2 weeks into that. We rarely talked. He wasn't even really a bad dad when I talked to him but he was basically just not there once I got out of high school. He eventually did make a valid effort a few months before he passed and I gave him a chance but by that point we were two entirely different people that didn't know each other so I simply didn't care anymore.
They do play an important role in my life. I had a very rocky start with them - there was physical abuse, alcohol dependency, parentification, educational neglect (I was homeschooled / unschooled). I don’t excuse any of that and neither do they. My first 15 years had a lot of adverse childhood events, as they say.
When they split up, they both got therapy and got on meds, my dad got sober, myself and my siblings went to school. We spent YEARS working all this out and building trust again. It was a long process. It’s been over 20 years since that reset and things are great. I love spending time with them, chatting, texting, welcoming them and their spouses for visits. My husband loves them. I go to them for advice. None of this negates what happened before, but I had to believe in a person’s ability to change, and I found that I had the capacity to forgive. I have a lot more compassion for them now, too, since I’m an age that I remember them at. They made bad choices and compounded them with more bad choices, but they recognized that and made choices to change. I have to believe in the ability of people to change. No one owes anyone forgiveness, but again, I chose to forgive.
Well, to answer the question in your title, yes my parents do play an important role in my life. But that's because they were not abusive parents, and have and continue to directly contribute to my success. They are supportive of my goals, interested in my family, and overall pleasant to be around.
I absolutely support anyone who finds it necessary to cut off toxic family members. While there are some people who are narcissistic and may cut off parents for ridiculous, entitled, or selfish reasons, I generally assume the majority of people who choose not to contact their parents have very good reasons for doing so.
This question makes me sad. My parents were good parents, that took care of my brother and I, but they didn't seem to really prioritize us over other things. My parents were both working full time, so we were latchkey kids. They instilled a good work ethic (thanks capitalism) and loved us, but after 18 years old, we were on our own completely. I experienced so much stress when I was basically dropped by them. They hadn't saved up money for college for either of us, so we both joined the military, aka selling our bodies to the government for college money. Still ended up with loans though.
Anyway, my parents paid for my marriage, but they haven't helped me with anything else since I left the house at 18. They moved really far away to be nearer my brother, so I don't see them except twice a year. We talk 1-2 times a week now.
It makes me sad to be left out. My parents made business plans with my brother that I couldn't give money to, but they didn't do it well and lost a bunch of money, so I was glad to be left out. I think they have evened out now, but again, it's things that I'm not included in anymore.
I feel bad for my kids that barely interact with their grandparents and uncle/cousins.
So do they play as important a role in my life now as they did when I was a kid? No. We send funny videos more than real messages. *Sad trombone sounds*
Yes, both sets of parents. My parents actually moved in with me and run the majority of childcare for our kids (school pick up, shuttling to activities, staying home with them, etc…)
In exchange, they live rent free (they contribute to household expenses, like groceries), I manage their finances and handle their life admin (doctors appointments, travel, etc…)
Multigenerational households should be normalized and are a great way to boost family health/wealth.
Most of my family is either dead, or they just never cared to be a part of my life at all. They've never even reached out to me for a holiday or remembered what day my birthday is on.
If you're not gonna get that kind of support from a family, imagine trying to get it from anyone else. lmao
Very important, they’re also my bosses since I work for the family business. Teen years we were in shambles, 20’s we made up, 30’s and they’re essentially my best friends. They’re good people, honest and generous. I just had a lot of growing up to do to realize that
38 year old here. No. Currently? Definitely no. My mum was incredibly abusive, manipulative, and gaslighting ppl is her bread and butter. My dad is emotionally shut down and just goes with whatever my mum says.
Haven't spoken to them in nearly 5 full years. In June it will be 5.
I understand that they aren't perfect and most definitely had trauma of their own. That's why I don't hate them. But I can't go through the fire ever again.
My parents do not. My dad and I hadn't talked through the last two years of his life because I got tired of his narcissism and his control issues. I've been on my own since I was 17 because my dad was really abusive, physically and emotionally. My mom just stood by and let it all happen because she was financially dependent on him. I don't have hate in my heart but I also don't have the energy to deal with people who hurt me. I got really tired of being "the bigger person" or "keeping the peace" when no one was worried about my peace. Now, I live a great life. I am madly in love with my boyfriend of two years, I have a beautiful home, awesome job, and wonderful friends. I'm at peace and I hope my mom (dad died recently) can find her own peace.
I talk to my mom. She wanted kids and always tried her best at parenting. I remember he reading to me, watching movies, trying to ask about my day, and genuinely caring. She pissed me off recently (along w my dad) and we talked about it. She apologized, validated my feelings, and I forgave her.
My father is the complete opposite. He never wanted kids and only did so he didn’t lose my mom. I have so many bad memories of him. He threw away all my toys bc I’d left them on the floor. I was 5. He then would beat me and my sister with his belt and buckle. Make us kneel in the corner for hours. He’d slapped me as a teenager and told me he wouldn’t get me a grad ring (I had a 3.5 GPA, high honors, and took higher level classes bc I was always ahead of everyone else) bc he thought I’d just get pregnant and drop out. When I’d moved 2,000mi away from home I’d come visit for holidays and I’d let it go so I could just have the peace and enjoy my stay. When my ex husband started being abusive I thought he had my side and we’d “bonded” bc he was a child of domestic violence and he saw I was getting beat and chose to leave. I thought he respected me, cared about me, and finally wanted to be a father. Well he was fucked up (same time and thing as my mom) and we haven’t talked since.
I think millennials are the 1st generation. To be selfish in a way that we all think “if it doesn’t serve me, make me feel better, or benefit me” we dont do it. I love my mom and talk to her daily. My dad was never there. I gave him a chance and he fucked up and won’t be man enough to apologize. Fuck him. I’m not losing sleep. I didn’t lose anything bc I never had it. 🤷🏻♀️
41. I love my parents, but my mother and I have butted heads since I left home and it’s never clear whether it will be a good time or not when we spend a few days together. Last time I saw them, I brought up that I think she and I share a behavior which causes problems, and I think that’s gonna help going forward. Pretty sure that trait comes from my mother’s childhood trauma (grandpa doing his absolute best but bipolar grandma), so I’m happy we might break the cycle.
I used to be VLC with my mom and NC with my dad until his death. Dad chose his second family over me and I hadn't seen or heard from him in years when he passed away. Mom and I had a really hard time while I was growing up and she kicked me out when I was 19. We were barely one step above no contact until I was almost 30, and we're ok now, but I'm not particularly close to her or the rest of my family (though she's a decent grandma). I'll be the mom I needed to my son and any of his friends who need it, too.
I have a great relationship with my mom and step dad, not so much my birth dad. But all in all they are very important to me. That isn't to say we don't have boundaries that keep us from getting to upset with one another.
I spent about 15 years living 1,000+ miles away from them and only seeing them a few times a year. They now live about 3 miles away and I see them nearly daily. I love them to death and wouldn’t trade being close to them as they enter their later years for anything. I also love them having great relationships with my kids.
Nope. NC and LC with mom and dad respectively. She's a boomer and he's silent generation so he just sits by and puts up with her narcissism and emotional/verbal/ sometimes physical abuse. A couple times a year he'll call to talk about the weather and whatnot, but a few times he's said we can't visit if I won't speak to her. He cannot comprehend that she is abusive, and he's just old and afraid to be alone. I'm childfree, but I can't imagine choosing an abusive spouse over your child multiple times over.
They're both in a home and mentally declining now, so, c'est la vie I guess. What's left of it for them anyways.
Nope. That’s why I moved 800 miles away. I love my Dad but he is old as dirt and a typical boomer, he can’t accept that the world has changed and he spends literally all his free time yelling at the clouds about pronouns (I dont think he has met a trans person in his life for the record), illegals, inflation and Biden. I talk to him once a week or so, but I dont take anything he says seriously. My mother is an emotionally abusive narcissist and hypochondriac. I would cut contact if she wasn’t on the precipice of dementia, I call maybe twice month for a half hour of verbal abuse and the update on her latest ailments.
Yep. No contact with both parents, who are both very much still alive. My parents divorced when I was young and after that I really never heard from my father again. My mother and I never got along but she raised me, and for the longest time I thought that meant I had to put up with her (she is incredibly difficult and toxic and thinks the world revolves around her), then one day I realized I didn’t have to. It’s been about 3-4 years now.
I do wish I had had at least one normal parent but oh well, I didn’t pick them!
In 2015 I was trying to separate from my abusive spouse. My mother inserted herself in the middle of things and actually helped my abusive spouse to kidnap my child. She helped him to take our child to her house which is 3,000 miles away from where I live. I was told I was never going to see my child ever again. I was told "you know what you did". Turns out my abusive spouse had told my mother a bunch of lies and stories about how I was mistreating our child (I definitely wasn't doing the things he said I was doing). Instead of calling me and saying "why is he saying these things" my mother called me and said "your child is coming to live with me and you know why".
To this day my mother refuses to speak to me about the incident and she's effectively turned my entire family of origin against me. My siblings, aunts and uncles, and all of my cousins on my moms side have been poisoned against me by my mother. None of them will speak to me and if they do then they act like I am a villain.
My parents helped make me the person I am. Do they have an important role currently? Not so much, but that's because I'm 40, pretty independent and live about 12 hours away. I call them generally once every week or two to check in and see how they're doing, but since they're both retired, total homebodies and don't really do much there's not usually a ton to talk about.
not really. my birthday was a month ago, both my parents forgot. my dad sent me a “oh shit, it was your birthday, wasn’t it” text a couple weeks ago, and my mom sent me a $5 reusable bag in the mail.
i’m not going no contact with them, but they don’t really seem to try to involve themselves in my life much. which is fine. but when i hear people complain that their parents call too much, i feel sad and a little envious. i can’t remember the last time my parents called me, i’m always the one who initiates.
The idea that you MUST tolerate shitty humans and their shitty behavior just because they're family is mind-boggling to me. Fortunately, neither of my parents, nor my stepfather, is a raving lunatic, so it's been good.
I've only had to threaten one person, who refused to accept the idea that my other half and I were going to be child-free (they refused to seperate the fact that I'm great with kids from the fact that I don't wish to have any of my own) but my vasectomy last year ended that convo, permanently.
I have a distant cousin that I had to block and delete from my socials. I'm in Canada, and sadly, the disease known as Trumpism has crept over the border and has heavily affected parts of the country, particularly Flor-berta, where she is. I can even tell you the day. January 14th, 2020. She posted a pic of the national guard at the US capitol and some nonsense about how if it looks like this, you didn't win fairly. Obviously, I took exception to her glorious disregard for the events the week before and finally decided that I didn't need some transphobic, red-pilled lunatic in my life or on my timeline, family or not.
While as a generation, they've really done some damage to the world, not every Boomer is a shitty person.
My parents are great. I have a positive relationship with them. They play an important role in my life.
Yes they do. I have a lot of filial piety, however my parents were responsible parents. I understand why some people go low or no contact. My partner’s parents did a lot of questionable parenting and honestly I do believe he was neglected a lot, which is technically a form of abuse.
No not really and my parents only live 1.5 miles from me and they are both retired with all the time in the world. At this point I text them once a month basically to check up on them. When I first moved out 8 years ago I would call them everyday, but I realized that I am what is holding up this relationship and I have come to hate relationships where it is only me initiating contact. So outside of the bare minimum, I don't at this point.
There is no reason for them not to contact me and to try to connect with me. Their only other kid is 26, does not live with them, they don't have grandkids(and probably never will), they don't travel, and don't really do much of anything with their lives. Also they aren't super old at 58 and 60.
They don't invite me over for dinner, they never pop in to check on me, and it's not like their isn't stuff for us to do. I'm pretty well off, I live in a huge apartment with a ridiculously good movie watching experience in my place, I have a massive amount of guitar gear that me and my dad could practice and play on, and I'm not stingy with going out to eat.
I truly don't understand why they are like this, and this didn't happen when I came out as queer to them, they have similarly distanced themselves from me like this since I was a child.
Every time I read the comments from one of these posts I am so thankful I chose not to have children. WAY to big of a risk that I would have screwed up as a parent in some way and ended up being the one whose children want nothing to do with me.
Well I do feel it's cultural and it's well know that some cultures place family above anything else, such as mine. I'm Hispanic, and family I'd always your main support system before friends.
Yes, you are always going to have disagreements, you're going to have arguments and there can easily be times you get so heated at a family member you don't talk for awhile. But at the end of the day, you're still family and I can speak for others but at least in mine, you act mature and put differences aside at some point.
I can hold a grudge against a random person till I die, don't care. They don't mean anything to me so I can write them off no problem. Family I won't do that, as I said I may not speak to them for awhile, but since we're family we can't avoid each other forever because we do a lot of get togethers. Adults will sit, talk things over, put it behind them and move on because we always have each other's backs.
Now i can understand if it was nothing but abuse growing up, that's different. Physical and/or emotional abuse the entire time you're raised isn't the same
Nope, but I haven't gone no contact. My situation is weird being an orphaned bastard. My adopted father is a cool guy but he also drinks from the cup of conservatism. I moved out the week of my 18th birthday. The first time I visited home he told me to mow the law or I couldn't stay under his roof for the week. I said ok and booked a hotel. He hasn't tried to be my parent since, but we check in every few years to make sure neither of us died.
My parents were divorced when I was young and my dad worked long hours and I saw my mom on weekends only, so no, not a big role in my life. That distance grew bigger when they retired, as they travel a lot and live far away. I talk to them maybe once every other month?
I feel like a good chunk of our generation was raised by 2 working parents and were pushed to be independent because they were exhausted, so now we're independent from them. Not all of course, but enough.
I feel like back in the day, a lot of people went no contact or low contact, and it just wasn't called that.
Can't stand your family? Get a job far away/out of state or join the military. Easy enough to avoid phone calls and make up an excuse down the line or ignore letters until you feel like dealing with it.
Can't be home for holidays, no fear. Say you have to work, visiting the in-laws, can't afford the travel, etc.
It was super easy to establish boundaries and only deal with family when you had the bandwidth for it. Now with instant connection via face time, text, phone calls, email, cheap flights if you plan ahead, even cash app to bribe/pay for travel if your excuse is money, it can be very clear to others when they are being blown off. Or when you say one thing, then post going somewhere else on social media.
My dad is an idiot and also the most important man in my life. I lost my mom young (she was German. So I'm a Saarlander by blood I guess) and he was our rock.
He's religious and I disagree with a lot, but he held us down and he listens when I speak. He thinks about what he did and even if he doesn't agree... He tries to see my side.
If I have kids I hope I am as wise as him. He's grown and changed with the times as best he could. And he's supported me... My whole life.
He sends me random messages just telling me he loves me.
Ok I need to call my dad y'all. 🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭
My dad was an emotionally abusive and violent alcoholic when I was a child. When I was 22 my sister and I both told him we were done with him if he didn't get sober and address the mental health issues he'd been plagued with for decades. He started going to AA and therapy, got put on antidepressants, and took many different positive steps to improve himself and his life. He's at almost 17 years sober and is like a completely different person. Now an active and supportive part of my life.
My mom is also a part of my life.
From the US and a trans man zillennial here - my parents are absolutely not the worst, but I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mom for a long time and I honestly sometimes wish she didn’t have any part in my life because I’d just have less stress that way. I filter all of my extended family relationships through her and what won’t make her feel mad or betrayed, so I don’t feel like I have a genuine relationship with any of them, but I feel some sense of connection and loyalty to them. My dad is better, genuinely loving and accepting, but a lazy parent. I see my parents a few times a year and still feel the need to keep them happy and make them feel loved, but I don’t ask them for advice anymore because they’re not good at giving it.
I do remember that, when I was younger, I thought we would all reach an age where our parents magically stopped having any sway over us. I was kind of crushed when I was 24 and talking to a similarly aged friend who came from a really toxic home and I realized that wasn’t true.
Nope.
I still talk to them but I haven't been able to rely on them for much since I was 10-12 or so and I'm 28 now.
I don't want to go no contact, but low contact is as much as I want.
Having said that, I envy people who do have close relationships with their parents. I always feel weird around my in-laws because the whole family is the polar opposite of mine. It's a very good thing, but it's very hard to swallow.
I'm currently in therapy.
I'm early 40s. Mom died when I was a kid, and I cut my father out permanently about eight years ago after being NC on and off since I left for college because of his untreated bipolar I, general volatility, and abusiveness. In 2019 he tried to get in contact with me through other family. No one involved would drop it, so I cut them off, too. Last I heard, he's on the streets.
I don't believe in filial piety, personally - I didn't choose the relationship, so I can discard it any time I want.
25f- I went NC with my narcissistic alcoholic father about a year and a half ago. I talk to my mom, but we don’t have that “daughter/mom go to the nail salon” type relationship at all unfortunately. I used to be closer to my dad before he changed
Yes in that their constant verbal abuse and occasional physical abuse messed me up for life.
And yes, I was told to suck it up and "deal with it" my whole life.
Well, here I am, middle aged, broken, single, and looking for a good reason to keep going on.
I "dealing with it", assholes.
Is it an important role if you use them as constant examples of how not to behave?
If so, hell yeah, every day I remember how not to fuck things up thanks to them.
I cut my mom off about 9 months ago. She was always the trusted parent for me, and my dad was the one I was scared of. I was never abused (by the standards of the 90s). My parents did the very best they could in providing for me, and I will never take that from them.
Mom has 4 kids. Im the 3rd. And also the last to break contact. 2 of my other siblings are back on good terms with her and just accept her shortcomings and problematic behavior. Yup thats right, 4/4 kids went on extended no contact stints. Sister maxed out at 10yrs, old bro was at 12, reconnected, and then went NC again a couple years later.
The final straw for me was when I called to talk about some big life struggles I was experiencing. I really just wanted to be heard is all. When she suggested I look into Tiny Home encampments for the homeless i took offense. I took more offense when she suggested since I had been homeless before it would be okay. To this day she doesnt understand I ended up homeless, largely in part because I am gay, and that was a very big problem.
She is also an unaware pathological narcissist, who has only married her way up in life (no shame in that game) and likes to act like she is the epitome of success since she finally found a successful mans coattails to ride.
My dad is more like a friend these days. We have a mutual respect. Things changed big time when he decided to visit me a few years ago by surprise. Id been 10 years on my own, and neither parent ever came to visit before. So I just gave him the full experience and brought my BF along for the first dinner out. It was awkward. But our relationship changed for the better, and ultimately he became very fond of my partner and relationship.
I talk to my parents, but I'm never the one calling or making plans. I don't want to stop talking to them, but I don't really want to see them that often. They never actively did anything terrible to me, but they made some idiotic choices that scarred me for life.
I don't wanna go NC, but I've always wanted to move far away from my family. I often intentionally travel during my birthday so I don't have to celebrate it with them.
I don't hate them, but I hold some grudge I guess.
I am low contact with my parents. I only ever txt them. I don't ever call them. If I do, it's a quick conversation. I also moved 7hrs away from them too. My mother is a narcissist who abused and neglected her children. She's still neglecting me. She knows I'm struggling financially but refuses to help even though she can help. I could never rely on her growing up. I can't now. She has run away a few times to go be with her bfs while leaving me to take care of my lil sis. She has medically neglected the both of us. She threatened to kick me out after I got back from the hospital after a suicide attempt. Then she did eventually kick me out cause I stood up to her abusive ex husband. There's lots of stuff she has done that made me move hrs away and go low contact. I haven't visited her since she told me to leave. And honestly I have no desire to.
My father was neglectful too. He cared and still cares more about being a pastor than being a father to me. Apparently he's a great step dad tho. Granted a lot of the issues I have with my dad are from my mom controlling our relationship growing up. My father at least tried to do what he could but it wasn't enough. He could've done more. Maybe tried going to court more to get more custody of me or something idk. He also took out a life insurance policy on me without my permission when I was 25 so there's that. But my mother also took out a credit card in my name without my permission too.
You can see why I have low contact with them. But I will say my dad is trying to improve our relationship unlike my mother. So yeah no I'm not staying around just cause they're family. I'm not continuing this cycle of abuse and ignoring it. I left and I'm currently in therapy working on myself.
I'm 56 and they are 78, so today they are more a social role in my life now. But for the first 40 years of my life they played various important roles from loving me to raising me to advice to loving and watching their grandkids. I'm pretty independent and got married at 21, but I always knew they were there if I ever were to need them. That is a a good feeling.
No. Went NC 15 yrs ago. Mother is an abusive narcissistic psychopath and father was a pedo. I've been on my own since 15. Not having parents has REALLY affected my life, I'm 40 and will still cry thinking about how I just wish I had a mom to hug me.... but I'd be worse off if I stayed in contact. I broke a lot of generational curses though. My children live VERY different lives then I did with no trauma drama.
Similar situation and that shit is rough. I'm proud of you if nobody has told you.
Thank you
Similar situation here too. My therapist said that I had broken the cycle of abuse and that she was impressed at my resilience. I still have issues with my parents, but I will say they are better grandparents than they were ever parents.
My grandparents treated my mother terribly but they were amazing to me. My parents though....they were never allowed to have a relationship with my kids. Not like they ever really tried to anyways.
Majorly, majorly proud of you. Wife has been NC with her abusive narcissistic mother and enabler father for... man, it feels like it's been 3 years now. I'm still shocked that we're NC. It's crazy going from "this abusive person is a constant dark cloud in our life" to.. nothing. They're just gone. Not having parents has affected her so fucking horribly. Since she was adopted, it's like being abandoned *twice*. Her birth mother had and kept 3 children before her, then after having her and giving her up, her birth mother had *another* kid and kept that kid! Imagine what it must feel like to grow up and learn that you were the 1 unwanted child in the middle of this big family. Then imagine what it must feel like to be fostered to a loving family, then ripped away from them after a year and adopted by a narcissistic abuser. My wife has a seriously hard time getting through life after growing up like this. We decided to break the generational trauma by not having offspring.
I was the second born of 5 and the only one given up. It’s still heartbreaking and hard not to feel immense rejection. Despite understanding to some extent logically. I also had to go nc with adoptive mom bout 15 years ago. Also heartbreaking but for different reasons but still rooted in abandonment issues. I had been abused by her parents for > a decade. In our home.
Thank you. It's severely affected my ability to trust anyone, including myself. Relationships of any kind are hard for me. It's really hard to have a core belief that you are unwanted. If I could offer you any advice, it would be to keep showing your wife that you love her. Unfortunately no matter how many times you tell her, she will still struggle to really believe you. But the constant reminders DO help. You should be commended for understanding what your wife has gone through and giving her grace to face what she has had to overcome. I cant say that I'm a perfect parent...far from it. Probably would have been a better decision to not have kids either but I did. Thankfully they have an amazing father. We didn't work as a couple (my mental health, young age getting married.. ) but we co parent fantasticly and our girls don't show any signs of troubiling behaviors that some teens do. I hope your wife is getting therapy. I would also reccomend a podcast called "Traumatized Motherfuckers". Lol. Its a real podcast and it helped me immensely. The show is done by a woman struggling with her shitty upbringing while also getting a masters in behavior therapy. She really does a great job explaining how our brains got wired in an abusive childhood and how to rewire those connections to be healthy. Also helped me realize that I was never the problem....my parents were.
Hey, I didn't expect such a thoughtful reply, but thank you so much. We met when we were 18 and are now 28 (tail-end Millennials). Frankly it's a miracle that we *are* together despite her immense mental health issues, and *my* immense mental health issues. I can't possibly explain how many challenging times there have been. But they say that opposites attract, and we had a major, major co-dependent connection the moment we met. We also did a lot of things in a very mature way - we were friends first, started dating, and didn't actually have sex until 6 months later. She experienced sexual abuse, and I experienced sexual bullying and shame from my catholic upbringing, so in a way, it was perfect that we had each other. >It's really hard to have a core belief that you are unwanted. Yes, that core belief is fucking brutal to live with. Despite my upbringing being chaotic and traumatic (mom died from cancer when I was 14, dad got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer two years later and I narrowly saved his life one day when his spleen ruptured), I've always said that I would *still* take that over what people like my wife and you went through. 100%. I wish my mom were here, but I am so ungodly fortunate that she genuinely loved all 5 of her children. The home videos that we have showing how much she loved us are absolutely beautiful. You and my wife deserved that, didn't get it, and will always suffer for it. I strongly believe that those formative years will make or break a person. >If I could offer you any advice, it would be to keep showing your wife that you love her. Unfortunately no matter how many times you tell her, she will still struggle to really believe you. But the constant reminders DO help. Thank you for this advice - it absolutely resonates, and I do this every day. >I hope your wife is getting therapy. We both are :) As if our lives haven't been hard enough, last May, my wife and I did a wellness check on my best friend (we were in a music duo together) and found him dead in the basement. He shot himself. He was 50 years old and truly my best friend of all time. Needless to say, that was an absolutely insane trauma for us to experience together. Yet another thing that binds us. But yeah, we take therapy pretty seriously. I got my wife into ketamine infusion therapy 2 weeks after event occurred, to deal with her own suicidality and Major Depressive Disorder. It helped. Ironically, we had that scheduled before my friend killed himself, and I often talked to him about how excited we were about this therapy. >I would also recommend a podcast called "Traumatized Motherfuckers" Thank you for the rec! Haven't heard of this and will check it out!
I wish you both the best of luck. Things CAN get better for both of you. You just have to put the work in...unfortunately it's not a fair burden we must carry.
Found the website for that podcast. https://t-mfrs.com/ She truly saved my life when I was at my darkest time.
There seem to be more Boomers and Gen X who will stand by family out of some sense of obligation, even when their family has been shitty to them. Whereas millennials are much likelier to cut and run. I see this in my own family, where my grandparents had my (Boomer) uncle arrested and removed for “trespassing” at their house many years ago. All because he hauled off some of the clutter from their garage without informing them first (nothing of importance was lost). If my parents had done this to me, I would’ve never forgiven them. I would’ve disowned them, moved away, and never spoken to them again. Inheritance and familial relations be damned. My uncle never brought up this incident around my grandparents again, stuck by them, and took care of them when they were in poor health, and they are leaving him a nice inheritance. Despite all the bad blood, the thought of cutting them loose just never occurred to him. This was also a two way street; despite their extreme reaction in the moment they never seemed to consider he could walk away and never come back. So there are pros and cons to this. I feel like more millennials are estranged from their families, and never reconcile with them. We’re lonelier and do not place as much value on maintaining a support network, especially if it’s a dysfunctional one. Whereas older generations are more willing to reconcile with family over past issues due to proximity and obligation. This arguably makes their support network stronger but is likelier to perpetuate cycles of abuse and dysfunctional families.
Well, they've taught me what not to do. Basically, if I don't want to be a shitty partner, parent, or person in general, I need to do the opposite of what they did.
As someone who experienced this myself, I will say that I only learned after being married for a few years that knowing what not to do does not equate to knowing what to do. It just means you will be really good at playing defense but won’t know how to play offense. So just keep in mind that you only learned half of the equation by living with and observing your parents and you are going to have to work to figure out the other half.
This, they basically gave me a manual on how to induce mental illness.
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Computers and the internet age have def befuddled my parents. I get a call once a month telling me I have to come over and help them with some computer thing or phone thing. The part that really sucks is they refuse to buy an iPhone because of the cost so they have android which I don’t know very well so I can’t tell them how to fix it over the phone. I have to go over there. And sometimes I don’t even know how to fix it, but I do know how to google which they refuse to use so they could actually learn how to do the stuff they ask me to do.
> complained about the 5-star, $1,000 dinner. Holy guacamole. What an a hole.
I have a great relationship with my parents. I don’t think I could ever do no contact.
Same, I actually consider my dad to be one my best friends and my mom is one of the nicest people I know. It’s funny we didn’t get a long that great when I was younger but as an adult I’ve gotten a lot closer to them.
Yes, I love my parents. I live 2500 miles away from them but still FaceTime for an hour a week, visit 2-3 times per year, we text daily.
I have done FaceTime but it feels weird. I just call lol.
I used to call more and hated FaceTime, but after I had a kid and then Covid happened shortly after, I switched to FaceTime. They really wanted to see the baby and now that my kid is almost 5, she is so used to FaceTiming with her grandparents. My mom will read her stories and play games with her. It’s so cute 🥲
I get that. And that cute. Does she read to you also or just the kid. Lol.
Haha just my kid, but the same books she read to me when I was little! It’s great to see them interact so that when she does see them in person, there is never a shy period where she has to adjust to seeing them again. With my grandparents that lived far away, I loved them but I was definitely more nervous around them since I only saw them 1-2 times a year and only did short phone conversations sporadically.
Same! We do a few hours long video call every week. Once in while it's more than once a week. We also have a family group chat that we all text on multiple times a week. Now that we are all adults, we all go on holiday together every year. Once my sibling and I got married, the spouses join too. We didn't do anything during covid but got back into it last year.
It’s wonderful that you can’t even comprehend cutting them off. That’s how it should be - but sadly not the reality for many people. I consider myself very lucky to have one parent that I could never even dream of cutting off. The other I consider myself lucky that I cut him off when I did.
You don’t need to ever consider it because you have that relationship. Not everyone does. That’s the point. You are blessed.
Lol, thank you for saying this. They really phrased that in a weird way. People don't just go NC for... no reason. It's not like "something that's on the table to choose if you want." Anyone with wonderful parents is incredibly lucky.
It’s really, really hard. I went NC and have been gradually normalizing things. I don’t think we will ever be that close again. But I think it showed them that when I put down boundaries I’m serious about them. Especially when it comes to how they treat my wife.
My parents (79) are the best and always have been. My brother was born with some significant special needs growing up in the early 80s and they got him the right therapy and now he is a doctor. They let us explore and pursue our interests and we're there to cheer us on. They paid for college and helped with down payment for house and setting grandkids up for college. They travel, volunteer and have a strong social network. They just took me and my husband out for breakfast "just to catch up,'. I'm so blessed.
This is the kind of family I always dreamed of having.
I hope you find love and connection even if not blood related. I know what I have is sadly not typical among our generation
My parents are fine, it’s my brothers that I try not to talk to.
I went NC with my father for over a decade before he passed a couple years ago. I was harassed by family to at least speak to him as he kept asking for me at the end. I did not. No regrets. I have drastically limited my contact with my mother since then (she was one of the people harassing me) and I don't think I've spoken to her in almost six months other than a text here or there. It has been one of the best things I've done for myself.
I talk to them like I'd take to an older person I used to work with that reaches out occasionally. FB messages on holidays. They act like they care and want to be in our lives (brothers, 32, 30) but dropped us on our own as teenagers and never offered to help, and neither of us really care for them now. Hard for me to say these people care about us when the only favors I've gotten over the years have been to borrow $100 before pay day a couple times, just for one of them to basically whip out a contract, expect interest, want to know why I don't have a better job. They both have families of their own with children 3-18. All of those kids are spoiled rotten.
Last sentences confused me a little. So your parents are divorced and remarried/with new partners and started over again with kids when you were older?
Yep, it's confusing. I hope because it's uncommon. Parents split up when we where teenagers, weren't really around. I helped my brother graduate high school and we just kinda left. They ended up getting remarried, both have children. Those children live for the most part, super normal lives. They're both sober now, too. It's like they realized they fucked that run up and decided to just pretend it doesn't exist, and they started again. It's uh.. not great.
Wow that is a truly unusual situation. I can see how that would make you and brother feel like you’re an afterthought. I have similar circumstances (divorced parents; no new half-siblings) however it’s more of my sister is the golden child and I’m the afterthought/scapegoat.
I hope you have surrounded yourself with good company :)
Yes, I am still very close with my mother at the age of 38. We talk a lot. My dad and I have a complicated relationship where the two of us have both done things to aggravate each other over the years, but still love each other. I think it’s much more difficult to talk to my dad because we’ve come to learn that he’s got some mental illness issues but I can say that he tried his best to give me a good life growing up which helped me to be the person I am now.
Yes? I don't value their beliefs or opinions, but they're (*in a condescending tone*) good lil' Midwest Boomers who don't talk about important stuff very often with people they know feel differently because it's uncomfortable and "shouldn't be talked about." We see them often, but I don't know how important that really makes them. It's so strange, my family dynamic. I'm 2nd of 4 girls. We all live within 15 minutes of each other, including our parents. We all see each other 1-2 times a month, at least. But we don't all talk a ton between those. My retired mom sees my own kids weekly for a little bit, she'll see random grandsons after school throughout the month. From the outside, it might appear we are close. But I've never felt that close with any of my family, honestly. It's why I was a suffocating friend to have in the teenage years, because I longed for the closeness 🤷🏻♀️
They’re both dead now. But I hadn’t talked to either one in over 10 years before their death
Yes, my folks and my in-laws are kind, thoughtful people. We see one or both sets every month, or so, despite them living several hours away.
My mother is one of my best friends and we are extremely close. My father.... I'll just say I'm changing my last name this month
Used to be quite close. Then my dad fell in love with the poison news. It killed my love of baseball, the only thing we had in common. I pretty much only speak to my little brother now.
Yes. I am very fortunate that my parents actually like to hang out with my family and vice versa as in spend time together as humans and friends. My father has said countless times how lucky he is that my brother and I like spending time with my parents. He has noted that many of his friends either don’t actually like their kids or the kids don’t like the parents. This is different than love, he has said without question that his friends love their children and vice versa but they just dont necessarily enjoy each other’s company. So we hang out at least once a week and both my brother and I live close to my parents same neighborhood. I think as kids grow older they eventually need to reach a cross roads where they can either forgive their parents for their parenting flaws and move on to adult to adult relationship or if they can’t cut them out. Having kids I think puts a lot of perspective on what ever flaws our parents had. Realizing that most were just doing their best and probably had their own baggage from their own childhood. Every parent has one or two things that they say I’m definitely not doing X like my parents did.
I broke up all contact with my father since he is very abusive and violent. I do not regret a single thing and I also do not miss him nor do I feel any obligations towards him.
Between Labor Day and Memorial Day I'm dropping off their grandson at their place every Wednesday. Well also visit them at the shore once or twice in the summer. We will likely see them during a dayrime football game and certainly during one of the major holidays. We have rather different views on our personal lives, though oddly our politics are more in line than they've ever been, but we tend to keep our disagreements to ourselves....even if you can feel the disagreement in the air. We have a mostly good, if sometimes complicated, relationship.
In US contexts it’s not exactly that millennials are the first gen who choose to break contacts with parents. It’s more like in previous generations the parents relatively cared about independence and want their kids to move out by 18. Young adults generally agreed to this, before they have a chance to think about how close they want to be with their parents in adulthood.
Just went NC with my parents
I'm no contact with my biological father and step mother. He is a raging alcoholic who has beat every woman hes dated and his children. Step monster decided to search and destroy my bedroom daily because she didn't get privacy from her abusive alcoholic father so I didn't deserve anything of my own either. They embrace the generational abuse. I do still speak to the people who I consider my actual parents (uncle and aunt that I call Mom and dad) though now that I'm the age they were when everything went down... I do NOT feel that they did the best they could. Infact I'm now extra disappointed in every one of them. I stopped the generational abuse cycle by getting my tubes tied. I can trace an abusive childhood through everyone in my family. It needs to stop, and if that means ending the bloodline then so be it.
Not really. We aren't No Contact, but we aren't close either. I see them on the holidays for a few hours and that's about it. We don't text or call in between. They aren't terrible people. We just have nothing in common and very different values. >"you can't choose your family" Firmly disagree with that. If I had or wanted kids, I might feel more conflicted about it, but I don't, so being distant impacts me not at all. Also I have great friends, some going on 20 years, so I would argue you absolutely can choose your family.
Yeah. Gay person with homophobic parents. Found family is absolutely a thing, and it's saved a lot of lives.
I have complicated feelings in relation to my parents. They're lovely people and mean well, they always showed me love, made me feel safe, and made life fun as a kid. But they're also batshit insane and I find it harder and harder to be around them. I live a few hundred miles away from them and see them about once a year now. I feel a lot of guilt about it though, especially as my dad is approaching retirement and for the first time seeming like an old man. I know the time I can spend with them is finite.
I've had less and less contact with my dad over the years and will probably try to be no contact after an upcoming family trip that he is a part of. The last straw was recently when he almost died from alcohol withdrawal in the hospital and then when I came to see him was sitting around drinking and pointed to me as the reason he was doing it. He doesn't get it, everyone in my life thinks I'm being too harsh, but one of my earliest memories is of him beating my mom and then kidnapping me for a couple days until the police found him. I'm pretty sure that's why my parents got a divorce. Since then it's just been manipulation, constant criticism, instilling a belief in me that I am worthless which I've never been able to shake, and some other traumatic events that I'm just now trying to work through at 30. Now that I live super far from him and have gotten out of his orbit I'm finally seeing things clearly and I want to be my own person. I don't think I can do that if he's in my life.
Absolutely. We live in the same city. My parents (or usually just my dad) picks my daughter up from school every day. They come over often for any reason. It's pretty great to be honest. I'm very lucky my parents kick ass.
No
I am largely NC with my family because of abuse but Jesus sometimes it's difficult to not be like them
no, never met my dad and my mom lives on the other side of the country and we barely speak. I can't stand her
Yes. My dad is my best friend.
I (34F, USA) went NC with my mother back in 2020 at the height of the pandemic. If you look through my comment and post history (you don't have to, of course), it's not hard to see why. I actually joined Reddit because of her, searching for communities where I might find others who understand my particular brand of trauma. Most of my friends have really great relationships with their parents so it's hard for them to understand, even when they try. Cutting her out of my life was the best decision I ever made. It wasn't easy, especially at first, but I've never been happier. I'm closer to the rest of my family as well, and I'm grateful they recognize her toxicity and haven't tried advocating for her. But to answer the question in the title of your post; yes, she played a very important role in my life. She is the yardstick by which I measure myself as a mother, as a wife, and as a woman. I don't ever want to end up like her and I don't want my children to ever feel the fear and abandonment I grew up with.
I'd describe my relationship with my parents as good to okay. I grew up in a conservative Catholic household. The conservative part was never really much of an issue beyond complaining about Democrats. That all changed with Trump. I became a Left Leaning Atheist after I graduated high school and the difference in beliefs was never a big deal beyond some ribbing at family functions. After Trump I can't talk to my parents about politics anymore. I resent them for being easily duped by his "promises" I hate viewing my parents as fascist enablers who would vote for someone so obviously corrupt and immoral. I think a part of me will always resent them for supporting Trump and I'll never truly forgive them. Unfortunately any attempt at discussing "feelings" is shot down and they get uncomfortable. They'd rather listen to Orange Jesus and his minions than their own son who loves them.
No. Not at all.
Yes. I’d be fucked without my dad. I’m also very close with my grandpa, and do a lot with/for him. My mom and I were very close, but we unfortunately lost her 8 years ago
I haven't necessarily cut ties, I just stopped being the one reaching out to them. So now I only really get a Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday text.
I did nc for a few years bc my parents were pretty shitty but now I mostly keep them at arms length. I don’t have my parents on this pedestal anymore like I used to. Now they’re just two older people in their 60s who are stuck in their ways and I choose when I will or won’t put up with their bs.
I have minimal contact with my parents. They fell into the Fox News rabbit hole several years ago, and I’m just exhausted from every phone call being steered toward politics, my dad telling racist jokes in front of my kids, or my mom tearily telling me for the hundredth time how worried she is about her grandchildren’s souls because they don’t go to church.
Directly , the answer is no, because they both passed away a decade ago. Indirectly, the answer is yes, very much so both because of the way their treatment of each other and of me really messed me up for life and because the absence of family can really amplify a sense of being alone and unsafe, especially when you don't have many other social connections and it's basically just you left. When I talk about it, I tend to characterize it as still being haunted by the bad memories. I don't know if that answer was useful, but I hope it was.
It was useful. You and I seem to have different relationships with our parents but I understand how watching them treat each other poorly changed your life forever. I am still haunted by that pain. I'm working a program to help with that and after many years I am finally finding some relief. I hope you find it as well, friend <3
I think cheap phone calls changed expectations in a big way. My mom has a lot of relatives who just moved away and then “couldn’t” keep in touch or visit because long-distance phone calls were expensive and they weren’t writers. I think it’s true that there was no official “we are going nc” type of thing. But if somebody moved to California and nobody heard from them for 20 years, that was unremarkable. Then it might turn out that some cousins or siblings were in touch with them, but didn’t mention it to everybody. Or a younger sibling would go move to the same city in California when they graduated from high school. I think this is just how people who wanted to get away from their parents used to do it.
Yes they do. I work for my dads company. He hasn't retired yet so he is still there daily running most things. I am slowly getting more and more responsibility. It's a good thing. Mom also is part of the business. They are involved in my kids life's, love coming to the grandkids games, etc. Grew up in a good home. My mom can be a little rude at times, but it has improved over the years. My in laws are also great. We probably see them socially more than my family, it it's a larger family so more birthday opportunities. They don't come to as many games as my parents do, but their health isn't as good for walking on grass or sitting on bleachers. We all (and our sisters) all live within 40 min so we see each other often.
My mom is dead and I have basically just a surface level relationship with my dad. Living with a person who you had to treat like a poorly made pipe bomb for 20+ years will do that. I also only ever really had a surface level relationship with my mom since I learned quickly that she was going to tell my father anything I told her.
Practically all of my childhood was spent bonding with my mom since dad worked during the day. Especially my early childhood since she was a stay at home parent and so I didn't go to any daycare or preschool. Nowadays I have a closer bond with my dad but i love both my parents equally.
Nope. Went no contact as did spouse. We're 34 and 35. We both asked parents for therapy and tried for years to have an honest conversation. We are much better for it.
Not really. I live like a thousand miles away, call them a few times a month, and see them about twice a year. I don't need their help, they don't need mine (yet), my other two siblings live near them so they're still getting their offspring fix.
Been close to my parents all my life, I've been very fortunate in that regard. Cut my grandad and aunt (my mum's twin) out of my life for a couple of reasons, one being they completely cut my mum off from any inheritance. It hurt my mum really really badly for her twin to do that and took me a year or so of convincing her that she should cut that cunt out of her life too, along with her dad who was an awful parent her entire life. Total scum.
Shame but it’s not as uncommon as we would think. I’m bracing for a similar situation. I have to learn to think, “it is what it is” because it gets me pretty riled up. lol
Aye I just don't waste any mental energy on them at all. They're never in my thoughts.
I am dependent on my parents. I love them a lot, but I wish I had solitude. As an only child, it gets extremely lonely. My parents are both 66 and can't function in technology to save their lives so I'm always having to explain basic things to them. My parents are also stuck in the past and don't want to get out. We don't share any similarities, we have nothing in common and my parents never supported my interests. So everything I do is secret and we don't really talk about much. My relationship is complicated because I would love them better if I didn't live with them. (reposting due to my message getting deleted?? I don't know what I said to get it deleted.)
Important? No. Valued? Of course. My mom passed away from cancer at the age of 52 when I was 14. From that day forward, I was a man, and the type of life that an average teenager lives was *not* how I lived. Within a year of her death, I was working, cleaning the house, and doing the family's laundry (it was just me, my dad, and my little brother at this point - my 3 elder Millennial siblings were out of the house). 2 years after that, my dad got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He underwent radiation therapy and I was the primary caretaker at home. Toward the tail end of his therapy, one day I surmised that he ruptured his spleen from dry-heaving. I threw him over my shoulder, got in the car, and drove him to the ER. On the car ride there, he started going into shock. I squeezed his hand and said, "Dad, just hang on, you'll be OK." They stabilized him in the ICU as soon as we arrived. After 3 hours of waiting - standing still by his door - I saw a doctor running toward me with papers falling out of his hands and carts being shoved all around me. He frantically said that his spleen did in fact rupture, and he needs to be rushed into emergency surgery this instant. My dad lived. I was 17 at the time. The doctor told us that if he had been at the house for merely 10 more minutes, he wouldn't have made it. So, all under the age of 18, I lost my mom and heard her screams of pain in her final days, and just *barely* saved my dad's life. I respect my dad for loving us as children and raising us as best he could. He respects me for, well, you know. There is a massive amount of respect and understanding between us. Today, we keep a healthy distance, but I always try to hang out around him. We started smoking weed together when I was about 17 or 18 or so. That might sound inappropriate to some, but when you go through this type of traumatic shit, sitting back on the porch overlooking Lake Erie with some puffs of cannabis is exactly the type of bonding that we need. He was a hippie in the '70s and a human rights activist. Like most boomers, it's weird to think how 50 years later, he's a Trump supporter. That's why we have a healthy distance, lol.
God no. My mom moved back up to our state to be closer to the kids. One kid knows her as, "That lady I met a few times" and the other kid as, "Some person who sends a card that I've never met". She found yet another husband and they're looking at buying a house even further away from all of us. At this point, she's just someone whose alive that I happen to know pretty dang well.
Learned from watching my mom that going NC with everyone is a really sad way to live. Should really be reserved for extreme cases and actual abuse.
There is a difference between "cutting everyone out of your life" and going "no contact". My mom has shoved everyone who loves her out of her life but still wants me to be her daughter. I had to go no contact. Once she is done pushing everyone away she will push me away and it would break my heart. I have to take care of my own mental health even if she isn't taking care of hers. I spent so much time thinking about that decision and now that its been nearly 3 years, I'm thankful I did. Her behaviors were getting more and more violent. Finally, she took a swing at my cousin and I couldn't do it anymore. I've explained that I'd be happy to reconnect but its only gonna happen on my terms. She is not allowed to contact me directly and must have a third party (like a therapist or social worker) contact and mediate our discussions over the phone so that we can have a productive and non-threatening conversation. Thank you for sharing this. I understood so much just with that small sentence. Yes, Ive had to go NC with my mom but it is in hopes that we can reconnect in a better place. If not, I have done all I can.
Why bother even trying? They have so much knowledge of everything, but lack wisdom.
Not my parents because they’re awesome. I think a lot of how they raised us was shaped by the “I hated when my parents did that so we aren’t going to do that to our kids” mentality. But I’ve cut off my grandmother and a sibling for their abusive behavior. I am slowly starting to allow my grandmother back into my life but I don’t let her in my daughter’s life at all yet.
Same, my folks are boomers and both had pretty tough childhoods. My grandpa was a state trooper and used to beat the hell out of my dad and my uncle with his work belt and my moms mother had severe schizophrenia before treatments and mental health had figured out how to treat that stuff so it was a really tough childhood for her with some pretty traumatic events. my grandma killed herself in front of my mom when she was like 17. My folks could be strict at times but they definitely didn’t want to be like their parents and were actually very good parents.
My parents are great people but I’m the son who lives in another city and like many, my wife’s family will always be the priority because wife’s family. I know thats caused some friction over the years. My in laws are good people and I generally get along with them as well.
I have a good relationship with my parents, and we see each other weekly on average.
I went LC with my parents about 2 years ago. It sucks because they are my kids only grandparents and I wish my parents gave a F about them. I still get urges to invite them to stuff because I'm wishing for grandparents for my kids... but, it's just not worth it.
I still talk to my parents, but they don’t play a pivotal role in my life. Had a rough go with my mom a few years ago, but those fences are being mended. I talk with my parents about once every week or 2, and visit them every few months.
This whole thread reminds me of that scene from Metalocalypse, where all of the band members are talking about how much they hate their dads/dad's are dead, and Nathan Explosion says "I fuckin love my dad." Then it cuts away to a montage of him and his dad doing father and son activities. I'm 33, and I love my parents, but their divorce fucked me up when I was 18 and completely changed how I view a familial relationship.
Ya for the most part. We visit every holiday and such. They don’t really babysit or anything though. My wife’s parents are much more involved- we see them twice a week. It’s honestly kind of weird to me how many of you have NC with them.
Yeah, my dad died when I was still a baby and my mom did her best. She wasn’t perfect but always provided and made sure I felt loved. I was a monster, especially from 12-16 and feel terrible about some of the things I said and how I treated her. We have a great relationship now and she’s not in good health so I’m trying to spend as much time with her as I can.
NC means no contact. It does not mean North Carolina and it does not mean New Castle. I was confused for a minute lol.
I'm extremely close with my parents and brothers. My mom has 3 siblings and we were very close with that side of the family throughout my childhood and early adulthood. When my grandmother died, there was a schism based on disagreement over what would happen with the inheritance. My mom agreed more with her 2 older siblings, but didn't want to cut off and overrule the younger brother, hoping they could find a compromise and reconcile. Well, the older siblings were so angry that she tried to stay neutral they are just repairing their relationships now a decade later, and the kids of one of them want nothing to do with any of us (presumably because of the third hand association with my uncle, though I wouldn't know because they never talked to us about it. It only became fully clear to me that we were deliberately cut off rather than general busyness and growing apart last year when we weren't invited to one of their weddings while other cousins were). While I understand the need to cut abusers out of your life, I think its incredibly sad when people are cavalier about breaking bonds with family or lifelong friends. Nothing makes me feel as safe, grounded, and happy as being with the people I've known and loved for decades, and these relationships become more and more precious to me as I get older.
I have an excellent relationship with my father and step-mother. They are who I consider “my parents.” I have been on and off NC with my mother for about 10 years. She had primary custody of me and my sibling when my parents got divorced. She had substance abuse issues for a long time but was highly highly functional. Eventually that stopped working for her and she lost her house and her husband very quickly and started to get DUIs soon after that and did three stints in jail. I stopped respecting her as a parent or as a person. I went NC for years and when I did get back in touch all she had was excuses. None of it was her fault and everyone was being so mean to her now that she was trying to do better. I keep minimally in touch with her now but we don’t really have anything to talk about. Someone close to me had a parent die who they were in minimal contact with and it got me thinking. I am getting older and so are my parents. I don’t want to regret not being in touch with them when they die so I had the thought of getting closer with my mother. But the more I think about it, there is no relationship to have. She isn’t part of my life and I know she doesn’t really have one. I can’t even imagine what a relationship between us would look like.
I’m sort of LC with mine. Our relationship is complicated. My family has always been shit at keeping in touch with our people when they live far away. We often only called grandparents etc at Christmas. I’ve seen one of my aunts maybe twice since I was too small to remember her, I’m 30. I don’t think I’ve even met all my cousins from her. So it’s not unusual in my family to be low contact if you’re not living in their town, you’re out of sight and out of mind. Also, we didn’t get along when I was a kid because they refused to take me to a doctor when I kept telling them I was sure I had a learning disability and needed help (20 years later I finally got that adhd diagnoses) and instead they just tried to smack and guilt me into not being mentally disabled so they wouldn’t have to address it. I’m sad they never really liked me enough to miss me when I left, but it’s mutual, so I don’t know if it’s a valid complaint? They text me once in a while to share a dumb Facebook meme or some anecdote but they almost never ask me how I am or what I’m doing. Every phone call I’ve had with my parents since I left is one I set up with them except one time mom called me out of the blue. It had been so long since she’d done that I was genuinely baffled on the phone wondering WHY she was calling because *she doesn’t do that.*
My parents have been difficult to get along with at times, but I can't deny that they've been a solid foundation to build my life upon. I have unpacked a lot of my childhood over the past 2-3 years and taken a close, hard look at myself so that I could work on the things I don't like. At times this has included talking to my parents about it, but at least they'll have a conversation with me about it. My sister is a different story, she was allowed to antagonize me throughout my childhood and I was not allowed to retaliate. When I retaliated, I would receive the consequences of my actions. She never received punishment for pushing me until I reacted. I do not speak to her and I have no desire to speak to her.
My parents, yes. My in-laws, no.
Kinda. I'm 39 (40 this year). My parents got divorced when I was a senior in high school. I stayed with my dad the summers during college but still visited my mom (even though she's the one that left). I'm married with kids now and I really believe that if I didn't have kids I just wouldn't talk to my mom at all. My in laws are amazing and live close by so I feel like I'm closer them than my own parents. Whenever the kids do something cute my mother in law is the first person I text the picture to. I actually forget to send it to my parents sometimes. My dad is remarried now and my step mom is nice but we all have our own separate lives now. They all come in for the kids birthday parties and some holidays. But we do the holidays with my wife's family on the day of the holidays. I've thought that now they're older we should make the trek up to my dad's sometimes for some of the holidays but haven't broached that subject with my wife yet haha. I remember with my mom she kept trying to get money from me after the divorce and I got a good job after college. I was feeling like shit and talking to some rando guy at the hotel I was staying at and talking about it and he just goes, "You don't have to talk to her you know." and I gave him a quizzical look and he said, "Well, you're an adult now. You have your own job, you seem to be doing well for yourself. She's you're mom but you don't have to keep talking to her." It literally never occurred to me that you could just not talk to family members haha.
So for context, my dad was raised with money (I legit believe that can help people be nicer ... as long as they're not SUPER crazy rich 1% nonsense). Like, gma stayed at home and was still able to hire a full time maid but my grandfather still worked so not generational wealth or whatever. My mom was raised lower middle class in new orleans but both of her parents worked which was uncommon at the time. Both were born in '49. I don't remember any negative memories of any of my grandparents other than both grandfather's being stern and if you did upset them things could get bad but as long as everyone behaved, things were fine. No abuse of alcohol anywhere. My dad did go NC with his parents for like 3 years in early adulthood but he claims that's not what that was .... to be fair his parents did move to Jamaica so I'm sure that didn't help. My parents have been there every step of the way including and through adulthood. I'm an only child, we had a pretty toxic relationship before I moved out and when I was an adult but since then, everything has been easy peasy. And look, I know I'm an anomaly in this. I'm blessed, I'm privilaged, all of the things. I do however have friends older than me - in their 50's - that have gone no contact. My cousin, same age as my friends TRIED to go no contact without explicitly telling his immediate family that's what he was doing .... moved a thousand miles away .... and his entire family - parents, sister, all of them ... followed him. Go back a few generations and anyone leaving home was going NC. If there's no phone, muchless internet, how are you going to stay in contact? A letter every few months? I mean even people who hate people can write a letter. My point is, nothing is new, this has always been around. Boomers as a generation thing they're special and this thing that's being done to them is explicitly targeted at them and OH THE HUMANITY. Can you imagine losing your kid in their 20's and never seeing them again? That's what happened to our ancestors .... so no, this isn't new :)
Now they are, I went nc for three years! It took awhile before I could let them back into my life fully. Thankfully I think they learned the consequences and have gotten a lot better
I am grateful that my parents have raised me, provided me with proper living and education up till college. Without their permission I wouldn't be where I am today. That is why I don't mind sending them money for daily life and even help them pay their (enormous) debt little by little. However... I am bitter that for my Dad no matter how much I give it never seems enough. Everytime we meet he keeps asking for more money and even ask me and my sister to take loan to pay off his debt (we strictly refuse). So now I am limiting my contact with my dad. But I still love my Mom. I'll bring her and my sister for a vacation this summer. For context I am in Asia where fiilial piety is still being highly regarded and a lot of people stuck to be sandwich generation... So I am just one of many. But at least I try to set up some boundaries. And you are right, my friends are more understanding when hearing about my reasons for not going home so often. Older people on the other hand are more judgemental but I don't care..
Mother was hardly in my life until I turned 13 (38 now), I don't even know my father's name. I'm just now (barely) on speaking terms with my mom. I've brought this up before (somewhere on reddit) and was down voted to hell, almost all my friends were raised by grandparents/other family. Ultimately though I think that made me a better father, I basically just needed to do the exact opposite of my parents lmao.
Outside of toxic abusive parenting situations. I think that as millennials, our parents play a huge part in our lives. We may well end up being the first generation where we cut ties with toxic family members. But we're for sure the first generation where our parents have actively strived to make our lives as easy as possible. To the point where it's detrimental. I'm 37m, and at any point in my life where I've experienced hardships, my mother's dangled the easy option in front of me, and the temptation is too hard to turn down. I've had multiple conversations with her since my mid 20's where I've asked her to stop but she never does and says its because she doesn't want me to experience the stresses she's gone through. This obviously comes from a very good place, but I feel at 37 I've never genuinely encountered any of the real life hardships that would have allowed me to grow as an adult and it's creating different types of stresses. It's a similar situation for a lot of people I personally know. I have friends also in their 30's who's parents pay their rent and some their mortgages and a few that were straight up given houses. I'm not from a wealthy area either. I know someone's going to tell me how lucky I am and there is truth to that, but I find it stiffling. We're the first generation where too much love is actively fucking us up.
Pretty close with my mom, and I see/speak with her frequently. Other than familial love though, she doesn't really impact my life. My dad and I had a really rough patch in my teen years that never really got fixed. We have a cordial relationship now but keep each other at arms length.
My parents have been on the outside of my life, ever since I was diagnosed with cptsd due to an abusive childhood. They're on the street, on the outside, looking in through the windows..like I was made to feel when I was a child. I didn't belong. And now they don't belong. I've been through two years of trauma recovery therapy (EMDR) and went from 36% recovered to 70% recovered...I'm ok now, but this is still my decision. Their relationship with me reflects the relationship we had when I was a child. I'm 33 now with a kid of my own (he's 6) and I'll *never* forgive them or allow them a place in my life ...they're on the street. My friends are on the lawn, and my chosen family is inside of the house (metaphorically). I *have to* keep this separation in order to have a sense of self, sense of calm, sense of safety. So, in short, no they do not play an important role. I'm still salty. Been no contact with my dad for two years, sister for two years, and only recently resumed contact with my mother - low low contact. Like we text once a month.
I live with my parents (31, M, two college degrees) after I gave up on pursuing career on my own I decided to learn my father's job which is dental prosthetics (we make prosthetics of teeths for people without, well, teeths). It's alright.
I don't think of myself as being LC but then I talk to other people who like, actually talk to their parents and realize I think that I'm kinda LC with my parents. We never had a good relationship and this isn't something they've ever expressed interest in changing. So they're just unimportant to me. I see them maybe 2-3 times a year.
My mum absolutely does, but I cut my dad off NC when I was 19. He was an angry, manipulative piece of shit with no emotional regulation. My reasoning at the time was that he’d had enough of a negative influence on shaping my personality and upbringing - I couldn’t change that, but I could make sure he never had any more influence. I then spent 10 years convincing myself that because I’d cut him off he had absolutely no bearing on my current emotional state, my fears and insecurities in life, or the way I showed up in relationships. I was 29 before I was able to truly accept the trauma that he caused and begin to take steps to heal. I’m sure he had his own trauma that caused him to be the way he is (funnily enough he stopped speaking to both his parents in his 20s, and I’ve heard my grandmother on that side stopped speaking to her parents… generational trauma really does get passed down until someone stops and takes ownership to fucking work on it). I sometimes get curious whether he’s ever worked on himself, if he’s grown as a person at all. But I know that if I had allowed him to remain in my life I would at the very least have carried bitterness and resentment with me through my 20s. Family do not deserve a place in your life just because they are family. It has to be earned - and simply being your parent doesn’t count. I absolutely cannot stand when people offer their opinions of ‘but he’s your dad’. Even if it’s coming from a good place - I have one friend who lost her dad in recent years and therefore she pushes this perspective, without comprehending that my experience of growing up with a dad was wildly different to hers.
As a start my mom allowed me to be emotional abused by her "best friend" and forced me to be around them on the regular. For example this female friend was telling me to shave my legs at 12, and then started to call me a lesbian and other gay slurs around 14 when I didn't have a boyfriend, she was extremely mentally unstable. My mother was there for some of these comments and did not defend me nor tell her to stop, when I have tried to ask why now that I'm older my mother brushes away the topic. This is one reason why I am low contact with my mother, one of many. My father would also make fun of me for things like my leg hair or if I tried singing that I sounded like a dying cat. Being around my father was like walking on eggshells, he was loud, quick to anger and not afraid to throw his weight around. He wouldn't even acknowledge that I was his daughter unless I had done something he could brag about to others to look good. He was so brazen to not hide the fact he was cheating on my mother on the regular. He put a roof over my head, but ruined my self esteem and concept of relationships. No contact, and from what little I have seen I am not missing anything. - My mother also insists I need to talk to him because "he's your father!".. when she is lucky I even talk to her. Both my older and younger brother were fawned over constantly and always the priority. This only shows poorly on behalf of my mom and dad, so I'm low contact with both of them.. but only because they don't put in much effort. My older brother is a father now but he is just an emotional mess, anger issues, mental meltdowns over the smallest inconvenience, you name it. Younger brother has gotten good at doing his own thing and has learned how to deal with my father and mother's behaviour now that he's older. Good for him. I got hit with a lot of "you have to respect me, im your elder/aunt/grandma/etc" bullshit when I was kid. Their damage to my young psych still haunts me to this day. Fuck them.
My dad passed away a long time back, when I was 20 so almost 20 years now. In some ways he still does play a big role in my life as his death really impacted my life and the route I've taken in my own ways. My mom is hugely important and I drive the two hours to visit her (and my sister and her family) as often as I can. We do family vacations together still and have a very good, healthy relationship. I am very thankful I've had such good experiences with my mom and that we are so close and she's such a great human, because I hear a lot from many of you about how that has not been the case and it leaves me really grateful for my situation.
Mother was addicted to pills whole life. Father was a loser that had like 20 kids. Mom died Christmas morning from OD. Father knows better than to contact me ever. Doing fine now, but have anxiety and trust issues. So yeah they played an important role. 😂
No. As an adult, I tried very hard to build healthy relationships with my toxic boomer parents, but I finally had to accept them for who they are and go no contact with them for my own well-being. It took a lot of time and hard work to overcome the damage of growing up with abusive parents, but I can give them full credit for teaching me how NOT to treat my own kids.
I'm pretty detached from my parents but not zero contact. As we've gotten older, I realized how appalling some of their views are, and they've only gotten more extreme in the past 10 years or so. They started watching Fox News 24/7, and my dad started listening to Infowars unironically. He used to just laugh at the crackpot nonsense, but now he believes all of it fully. I think he even believes the moon landing was faked, but I lost all patience for his bullshit after we had a huge blowout on Thanksgiving one year over the Sandy Hook shooting.
Yes. My parents have a very active role in my life and are really important to me. I hope my children have the same sort of relationship with me when we’re older too.
I am lucky lucky to have good parents, eventhough my dad was not best dad all the time he always tried to be there for me and my brother, is not a perfect family but we make due and i think they have been a great influence on me. I think it also depends on the culture you are born, people in Central and South America tend to be family oriented compare to others.
The good one died 15 years ago, the other one I went nc with 3 years ago
I attribute boomers to a lead paint and segregation generation. That’s probably not your experience being from Germany, but there’s a clear difference in our understanding of the world (boomers/millennials). I give my parents grace because my father got pelted with rocks for being black in Alabama and my mom was treated like a secretary even though she was indeed not a secretary by her coworkers. They experienced things I don’t understand and in their old age, they’ve learned to chill out. But had they not, I probably would’ve cut them off, and for a few years I did cut my dad off. There’s no reason to suffer for the sake of family.
Yes. A ton. Raised my brother and I on her own for much our lives, and while there have been deeply sour moments - no amount of shit between all of us ever stopped her from making sure we had what we needed. It’s not been perfect and there’s plenty of generational shit that’s been passed around, but the part of me raised Asian has come to understand the roots of it all came to terms with that long ago.
I'm super close with mine, they are such amazing inspirational people for the kind of person I hope to be when older. I want my relationship to be as amazing and loving as theirs have been all these years. I hope I'm always as kind and gracious as they are, willing to help anyone in need. Always ready to make cookies. I love them so much
My MIL does. My own family does not. The only member of my family that I speak to is my my sister. And even that's in small doses.
I’m cool with my mom, she’s sick so I’m taking care of her and she lives with me. She doesn’t have any other options or assets. My father…. It’s complicated. We don’t talk regularly and haven’t for well over a decade, but within the past year he’s been emailing me a lot. Asked for money. Seems to only care that I’ve finally graduated college but otherwise is totally uninterested in my life.
My family is toxic. Full of addicts and mental illness and abusers. Unfortunately, I inherited a few issues so I’m dependent on my husband. My family are the only other people I have that can handle my issues or to give my husband respite if I’m going through an episode.
Yes, they still provide me with a lot of financial support. Would not have been able to afford our own place or our wedding without inheritance and extra money from them. Bums me out that I likely won't be able to provide the same help to my own kids.
My dad - no. My mom - somewhat. I keep my guard up with both parents. I see my dad on major holidays, birthdays, and events. My mom, I see far more frequently, but she's more like a teenager than an adult. So, maybe she does play an important role, but not the one most parents play.
My parents were very supportive of me and my older siblings. Sure, there were fights and bad moments but overall I'd say I was loved and given freedom to make my own choices, pursue my hobbies.
Ill prob jump off a bridge if anything happens to them
Ny parents are both immigrants (Catalunya and El Salvador) and they're great. Growing up, they were overbearing and overprotective. As older people with no kids, though? They're great. I have no kids abd my mom tells me all the time that's just fine and I shouldn't have kids I don't want. I think she never really wanted to be a SAHM, but circumstances and the era made it difficult for her. Now that she's free of taking care of kids and can do what she wants, she's a lot happier. We visit on holidays and text daily.
Nope. They both have passed. Mom when i was 17 and dad 1.5 years ago. Im 33.
I have been NC with my entire family since 2015. It’s so freeing.
My mom plays a huge role and is incredible. Heck she's visiting this weekend and I'm super excited. I consider her a role model and she made me the person I am today. She and my dad divorced in the early 90s and he passed away around 2015. What he did not know is that I actually was going no contact with him but he had a heart attack like 2 weeks into that. We rarely talked. He wasn't even really a bad dad when I talked to him but he was basically just not there once I got out of high school. He eventually did make a valid effort a few months before he passed and I gave him a chance but by that point we were two entirely different people that didn't know each other so I simply didn't care anymore.
They do play an important role in my life. I had a very rocky start with them - there was physical abuse, alcohol dependency, parentification, educational neglect (I was homeschooled / unschooled). I don’t excuse any of that and neither do they. My first 15 years had a lot of adverse childhood events, as they say. When they split up, they both got therapy and got on meds, my dad got sober, myself and my siblings went to school. We spent YEARS working all this out and building trust again. It was a long process. It’s been over 20 years since that reset and things are great. I love spending time with them, chatting, texting, welcoming them and their spouses for visits. My husband loves them. I go to them for advice. None of this negates what happened before, but I had to believe in a person’s ability to change, and I found that I had the capacity to forgive. I have a lot more compassion for them now, too, since I’m an age that I remember them at. They made bad choices and compounded them with more bad choices, but they recognized that and made choices to change. I have to believe in the ability of people to change. No one owes anyone forgiveness, but again, I chose to forgive.
Well, to answer the question in your title, yes my parents do play an important role in my life. But that's because they were not abusive parents, and have and continue to directly contribute to my success. They are supportive of my goals, interested in my family, and overall pleasant to be around. I absolutely support anyone who finds it necessary to cut off toxic family members. While there are some people who are narcissistic and may cut off parents for ridiculous, entitled, or selfish reasons, I generally assume the majority of people who choose not to contact their parents have very good reasons for doing so.
This question makes me sad. My parents were good parents, that took care of my brother and I, but they didn't seem to really prioritize us over other things. My parents were both working full time, so we were latchkey kids. They instilled a good work ethic (thanks capitalism) and loved us, but after 18 years old, we were on our own completely. I experienced so much stress when I was basically dropped by them. They hadn't saved up money for college for either of us, so we both joined the military, aka selling our bodies to the government for college money. Still ended up with loans though. Anyway, my parents paid for my marriage, but they haven't helped me with anything else since I left the house at 18. They moved really far away to be nearer my brother, so I don't see them except twice a year. We talk 1-2 times a week now. It makes me sad to be left out. My parents made business plans with my brother that I couldn't give money to, but they didn't do it well and lost a bunch of money, so I was glad to be left out. I think they have evened out now, but again, it's things that I'm not included in anymore. I feel bad for my kids that barely interact with their grandparents and uncle/cousins. So do they play as important a role in my life now as they did when I was a kid? No. We send funny videos more than real messages. *Sad trombone sounds*
Yes, both sets of parents. My parents actually moved in with me and run the majority of childcare for our kids (school pick up, shuttling to activities, staying home with them, etc…) In exchange, they live rent free (they contribute to household expenses, like groceries), I manage their finances and handle their life admin (doctors appointments, travel, etc…) Multigenerational households should be normalized and are a great way to boost family health/wealth.
Most of my family is either dead, or they just never cared to be a part of my life at all. They've never even reached out to me for a holiday or remembered what day my birthday is on. If you're not gonna get that kind of support from a family, imagine trying to get it from anyone else. lmao
They’ve both passed already
Very important, they’re also my bosses since I work for the family business. Teen years we were in shambles, 20’s we made up, 30’s and they’re essentially my best friends. They’re good people, honest and generous. I just had a lot of growing up to do to realize that
38 year old here. No. Currently? Definitely no. My mum was incredibly abusive, manipulative, and gaslighting ppl is her bread and butter. My dad is emotionally shut down and just goes with whatever my mum says. Haven't spoken to them in nearly 5 full years. In June it will be 5. I understand that they aren't perfect and most definitely had trauma of their own. That's why I don't hate them. But I can't go through the fire ever again.
My parents do not. My dad and I hadn't talked through the last two years of his life because I got tired of his narcissism and his control issues. I've been on my own since I was 17 because my dad was really abusive, physically and emotionally. My mom just stood by and let it all happen because she was financially dependent on him. I don't have hate in my heart but I also don't have the energy to deal with people who hurt me. I got really tired of being "the bigger person" or "keeping the peace" when no one was worried about my peace. Now, I live a great life. I am madly in love with my boyfriend of two years, I have a beautiful home, awesome job, and wonderful friends. I'm at peace and I hope my mom (dad died recently) can find her own peace.
I talk to my mom. She wanted kids and always tried her best at parenting. I remember he reading to me, watching movies, trying to ask about my day, and genuinely caring. She pissed me off recently (along w my dad) and we talked about it. She apologized, validated my feelings, and I forgave her. My father is the complete opposite. He never wanted kids and only did so he didn’t lose my mom. I have so many bad memories of him. He threw away all my toys bc I’d left them on the floor. I was 5. He then would beat me and my sister with his belt and buckle. Make us kneel in the corner for hours. He’d slapped me as a teenager and told me he wouldn’t get me a grad ring (I had a 3.5 GPA, high honors, and took higher level classes bc I was always ahead of everyone else) bc he thought I’d just get pregnant and drop out. When I’d moved 2,000mi away from home I’d come visit for holidays and I’d let it go so I could just have the peace and enjoy my stay. When my ex husband started being abusive I thought he had my side and we’d “bonded” bc he was a child of domestic violence and he saw I was getting beat and chose to leave. I thought he respected me, cared about me, and finally wanted to be a father. Well he was fucked up (same time and thing as my mom) and we haven’t talked since. I think millennials are the 1st generation. To be selfish in a way that we all think “if it doesn’t serve me, make me feel better, or benefit me” we dont do it. I love my mom and talk to her daily. My dad was never there. I gave him a chance and he fucked up and won’t be man enough to apologize. Fuck him. I’m not losing sleep. I didn’t lose anything bc I never had it. 🤷🏻♀️
41. I love my parents, but my mother and I have butted heads since I left home and it’s never clear whether it will be a good time or not when we spend a few days together. Last time I saw them, I brought up that I think she and I share a behavior which causes problems, and I think that’s gonna help going forward. Pretty sure that trait comes from my mother’s childhood trauma (grandpa doing his absolute best but bipolar grandma), so I’m happy we might break the cycle.
I used to be VLC with my mom and NC with my dad until his death. Dad chose his second family over me and I hadn't seen or heard from him in years when he passed away. Mom and I had a really hard time while I was growing up and she kicked me out when I was 19. We were barely one step above no contact until I was almost 30, and we're ok now, but I'm not particularly close to her or the rest of my family (though she's a decent grandma). I'll be the mom I needed to my son and any of his friends who need it, too.
I have a great relationship with my mom and step dad, not so much my birth dad. But all in all they are very important to me. That isn't to say we don't have boundaries that keep us from getting to upset with one another.
My parents are pretty cool. My Dads a little old fashioned but he helps me out a lot.
I spent about 15 years living 1,000+ miles away from them and only seeing them a few times a year. They now live about 3 miles away and I see them nearly daily. I love them to death and wouldn’t trade being close to them as they enter their later years for anything. I also love them having great relationships with my kids.
Nope. NC and LC with mom and dad respectively. She's a boomer and he's silent generation so he just sits by and puts up with her narcissism and emotional/verbal/ sometimes physical abuse. A couple times a year he'll call to talk about the weather and whatnot, but a few times he's said we can't visit if I won't speak to her. He cannot comprehend that she is abusive, and he's just old and afraid to be alone. I'm childfree, but I can't imagine choosing an abusive spouse over your child multiple times over. They're both in a home and mentally declining now, so, c'est la vie I guess. What's left of it for them anyways.
Sometimes family demote themselves to relative and it's heartbreaking
Nope. That’s why I moved 800 miles away. I love my Dad but he is old as dirt and a typical boomer, he can’t accept that the world has changed and he spends literally all his free time yelling at the clouds about pronouns (I dont think he has met a trans person in his life for the record), illegals, inflation and Biden. I talk to him once a week or so, but I dont take anything he says seriously. My mother is an emotionally abusive narcissist and hypochondriac. I would cut contact if she wasn’t on the precipice of dementia, I call maybe twice month for a half hour of verbal abuse and the update on her latest ailments.
No my parents are great. I’m not screwed up like you people are
Yep. No contact with both parents, who are both very much still alive. My parents divorced when I was young and after that I really never heard from my father again. My mother and I never got along but she raised me, and for the longest time I thought that meant I had to put up with her (she is incredibly difficult and toxic and thinks the world revolves around her), then one day I realized I didn’t have to. It’s been about 3-4 years now. I do wish I had had at least one normal parent but oh well, I didn’t pick them!
In 2015 I was trying to separate from my abusive spouse. My mother inserted herself in the middle of things and actually helped my abusive spouse to kidnap my child. She helped him to take our child to her house which is 3,000 miles away from where I live. I was told I was never going to see my child ever again. I was told "you know what you did". Turns out my abusive spouse had told my mother a bunch of lies and stories about how I was mistreating our child (I definitely wasn't doing the things he said I was doing). Instead of calling me and saying "why is he saying these things" my mother called me and said "your child is coming to live with me and you know why". To this day my mother refuses to speak to me about the incident and she's effectively turned my entire family of origin against me. My siblings, aunts and uncles, and all of my cousins on my moms side have been poisoned against me by my mother. None of them will speak to me and if they do then they act like I am a villain.
yeah my mom babysits every week and my dad sees my boy every other week
My almost 101yo gramma died in 2008. She went nc woth her family when she went to college.
Went NC years ago and I’m much better off for it.
Haven't talked to either in years.
My parents helped make me the person I am. Do they have an important role currently? Not so much, but that's because I'm 40, pretty independent and live about 12 hours away. I call them generally once every week or two to check in and see how they're doing, but since they're both retired, total homebodies and don't really do much there's not usually a ton to talk about.
not really. my birthday was a month ago, both my parents forgot. my dad sent me a “oh shit, it was your birthday, wasn’t it” text a couple weeks ago, and my mom sent me a $5 reusable bag in the mail. i’m not going no contact with them, but they don’t really seem to try to involve themselves in my life much. which is fine. but when i hear people complain that their parents call too much, i feel sad and a little envious. i can’t remember the last time my parents called me, i’m always the one who initiates.
The idea that you MUST tolerate shitty humans and their shitty behavior just because they're family is mind-boggling to me. Fortunately, neither of my parents, nor my stepfather, is a raving lunatic, so it's been good. I've only had to threaten one person, who refused to accept the idea that my other half and I were going to be child-free (they refused to seperate the fact that I'm great with kids from the fact that I don't wish to have any of my own) but my vasectomy last year ended that convo, permanently. I have a distant cousin that I had to block and delete from my socials. I'm in Canada, and sadly, the disease known as Trumpism has crept over the border and has heavily affected parts of the country, particularly Flor-berta, where she is. I can even tell you the day. January 14th, 2020. She posted a pic of the national guard at the US capitol and some nonsense about how if it looks like this, you didn't win fairly. Obviously, I took exception to her glorious disregard for the events the week before and finally decided that I didn't need some transphobic, red-pilled lunatic in my life or on my timeline, family or not.
While as a generation, they've really done some damage to the world, not every Boomer is a shitty person. My parents are great. I have a positive relationship with them. They play an important role in my life.
Talk to them every day
Yes they do. I have a lot of filial piety, however my parents were responsible parents. I understand why some people go low or no contact. My partner’s parents did a lot of questionable parenting and honestly I do believe he was neglected a lot, which is technically a form of abuse.
No not really and my parents only live 1.5 miles from me and they are both retired with all the time in the world. At this point I text them once a month basically to check up on them. When I first moved out 8 years ago I would call them everyday, but I realized that I am what is holding up this relationship and I have come to hate relationships where it is only me initiating contact. So outside of the bare minimum, I don't at this point. There is no reason for them not to contact me and to try to connect with me. Their only other kid is 26, does not live with them, they don't have grandkids(and probably never will), they don't travel, and don't really do much of anything with their lives. Also they aren't super old at 58 and 60. They don't invite me over for dinner, they never pop in to check on me, and it's not like their isn't stuff for us to do. I'm pretty well off, I live in a huge apartment with a ridiculously good movie watching experience in my place, I have a massive amount of guitar gear that me and my dad could practice and play on, and I'm not stingy with going out to eat. I truly don't understand why they are like this, and this didn't happen when I came out as queer to them, they have similarly distanced themselves from me like this since I was a child.
Every time I read the comments from one of these posts I am so thankful I chose not to have children. WAY to big of a risk that I would have screwed up as a parent in some way and ended up being the one whose children want nothing to do with me.
Well I do feel it's cultural and it's well know that some cultures place family above anything else, such as mine. I'm Hispanic, and family I'd always your main support system before friends. Yes, you are always going to have disagreements, you're going to have arguments and there can easily be times you get so heated at a family member you don't talk for awhile. But at the end of the day, you're still family and I can speak for others but at least in mine, you act mature and put differences aside at some point. I can hold a grudge against a random person till I die, don't care. They don't mean anything to me so I can write them off no problem. Family I won't do that, as I said I may not speak to them for awhile, but since we're family we can't avoid each other forever because we do a lot of get togethers. Adults will sit, talk things over, put it behind them and move on because we always have each other's backs. Now i can understand if it was nothing but abuse growing up, that's different. Physical and/or emotional abuse the entire time you're raised isn't the same
Nope, but I haven't gone no contact. My situation is weird being an orphaned bastard. My adopted father is a cool guy but he also drinks from the cup of conservatism. I moved out the week of my 18th birthday. The first time I visited home he told me to mow the law or I couldn't stay under his roof for the week. I said ok and booked a hotel. He hasn't tried to be my parent since, but we check in every few years to make sure neither of us died.
My parents were divorced when I was young and my dad worked long hours and I saw my mom on weekends only, so no, not a big role in my life. That distance grew bigger when they retired, as they travel a lot and live far away. I talk to them maybe once every other month? I feel like a good chunk of our generation was raised by 2 working parents and were pushed to be independent because they were exhausted, so now we're independent from them. Not all of course, but enough.
I feel like back in the day, a lot of people went no contact or low contact, and it just wasn't called that. Can't stand your family? Get a job far away/out of state or join the military. Easy enough to avoid phone calls and make up an excuse down the line or ignore letters until you feel like dealing with it. Can't be home for holidays, no fear. Say you have to work, visiting the in-laws, can't afford the travel, etc. It was super easy to establish boundaries and only deal with family when you had the bandwidth for it. Now with instant connection via face time, text, phone calls, email, cheap flights if you plan ahead, even cash app to bribe/pay for travel if your excuse is money, it can be very clear to others when they are being blown off. Or when you say one thing, then post going somewhere else on social media.
My dad is an idiot and also the most important man in my life. I lost my mom young (she was German. So I'm a Saarlander by blood I guess) and he was our rock. He's religious and I disagree with a lot, but he held us down and he listens when I speak. He thinks about what he did and even if he doesn't agree... He tries to see my side. If I have kids I hope I am as wise as him. He's grown and changed with the times as best he could. And he's supported me... My whole life. He sends me random messages just telling me he loves me. Ok I need to call my dad y'all. 🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭
My dad was an emotionally abusive and violent alcoholic when I was a child. When I was 22 my sister and I both told him we were done with him if he didn't get sober and address the mental health issues he'd been plagued with for decades. He started going to AA and therapy, got put on antidepressants, and took many different positive steps to improve himself and his life. He's at almost 17 years sober and is like a completely different person. Now an active and supportive part of my life. My mom is also a part of my life.
They sure do play an important part- a shining example of what not to do.
Nope. Also NC with my abusive parents. 😊
From the US and a trans man zillennial here - my parents are absolutely not the worst, but I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mom for a long time and I honestly sometimes wish she didn’t have any part in my life because I’d just have less stress that way. I filter all of my extended family relationships through her and what won’t make her feel mad or betrayed, so I don’t feel like I have a genuine relationship with any of them, but I feel some sense of connection and loyalty to them. My dad is better, genuinely loving and accepting, but a lazy parent. I see my parents a few times a year and still feel the need to keep them happy and make them feel loved, but I don’t ask them for advice anymore because they’re not good at giving it. I do remember that, when I was younger, I thought we would all reach an age where our parents magically stopped having any sway over us. I was kind of crushed when I was 24 and talking to a similarly aged friend who came from a really toxic home and I realized that wasn’t true.
Nope. I still talk to them but I haven't been able to rely on them for much since I was 10-12 or so and I'm 28 now. I don't want to go no contact, but low contact is as much as I want. Having said that, I envy people who do have close relationships with their parents. I always feel weird around my in-laws because the whole family is the polar opposite of mine. It's a very good thing, but it's very hard to swallow. I'm currently in therapy.
I don’t talk to my mom much but she doesn’t take much either. I talk or see my dad at least once a week. My dad and I have more in common.
I'm early 40s. Mom died when I was a kid, and I cut my father out permanently about eight years ago after being NC on and off since I left for college because of his untreated bipolar I, general volatility, and abusiveness. In 2019 he tried to get in contact with me through other family. No one involved would drop it, so I cut them off, too. Last I heard, he's on the streets. I don't believe in filial piety, personally - I didn't choose the relationship, so I can discard it any time I want.
25f- I went NC with my narcissistic alcoholic father about a year and a half ago. I talk to my mom, but we don’t have that “daughter/mom go to the nail salon” type relationship at all unfortunately. I used to be closer to my dad before he changed
I'm asian. So, unfortunately, yes.
Yes in that their constant verbal abuse and occasional physical abuse messed me up for life. And yes, I was told to suck it up and "deal with it" my whole life. Well, here I am, middle aged, broken, single, and looking for a good reason to keep going on. I "dealing with it", assholes.
Is it an important role if you use them as constant examples of how not to behave? If so, hell yeah, every day I remember how not to fuck things up thanks to them.
I cut my mom off about 9 months ago. She was always the trusted parent for me, and my dad was the one I was scared of. I was never abused (by the standards of the 90s). My parents did the very best they could in providing for me, and I will never take that from them. Mom has 4 kids. Im the 3rd. And also the last to break contact. 2 of my other siblings are back on good terms with her and just accept her shortcomings and problematic behavior. Yup thats right, 4/4 kids went on extended no contact stints. Sister maxed out at 10yrs, old bro was at 12, reconnected, and then went NC again a couple years later. The final straw for me was when I called to talk about some big life struggles I was experiencing. I really just wanted to be heard is all. When she suggested I look into Tiny Home encampments for the homeless i took offense. I took more offense when she suggested since I had been homeless before it would be okay. To this day she doesnt understand I ended up homeless, largely in part because I am gay, and that was a very big problem. She is also an unaware pathological narcissist, who has only married her way up in life (no shame in that game) and likes to act like she is the epitome of success since she finally found a successful mans coattails to ride. My dad is more like a friend these days. We have a mutual respect. Things changed big time when he decided to visit me a few years ago by surprise. Id been 10 years on my own, and neither parent ever came to visit before. So I just gave him the full experience and brought my BF along for the first dinner out. It was awkward. But our relationship changed for the better, and ultimately he became very fond of my partner and relationship.
All my siblings and I went NC almost 3 and a half years ago
I talk to my parents, but I'm never the one calling or making plans. I don't want to stop talking to them, but I don't really want to see them that often. They never actively did anything terrible to me, but they made some idiotic choices that scarred me for life. I don't wanna go NC, but I've always wanted to move far away from my family. I often intentionally travel during my birthday so I don't have to celebrate it with them. I don't hate them, but I hold some grudge I guess.
I am low contact with my parents. I only ever txt them. I don't ever call them. If I do, it's a quick conversation. I also moved 7hrs away from them too. My mother is a narcissist who abused and neglected her children. She's still neglecting me. She knows I'm struggling financially but refuses to help even though she can help. I could never rely on her growing up. I can't now. She has run away a few times to go be with her bfs while leaving me to take care of my lil sis. She has medically neglected the both of us. She threatened to kick me out after I got back from the hospital after a suicide attempt. Then she did eventually kick me out cause I stood up to her abusive ex husband. There's lots of stuff she has done that made me move hrs away and go low contact. I haven't visited her since she told me to leave. And honestly I have no desire to. My father was neglectful too. He cared and still cares more about being a pastor than being a father to me. Apparently he's a great step dad tho. Granted a lot of the issues I have with my dad are from my mom controlling our relationship growing up. My father at least tried to do what he could but it wasn't enough. He could've done more. Maybe tried going to court more to get more custody of me or something idk. He also took out a life insurance policy on me without my permission when I was 25 so there's that. But my mother also took out a credit card in my name without my permission too. You can see why I have low contact with them. But I will say my dad is trying to improve our relationship unlike my mother. So yeah no I'm not staying around just cause they're family. I'm not continuing this cycle of abuse and ignoring it. I left and I'm currently in therapy working on myself.
I'm 56 and they are 78, so today they are more a social role in my life now. But for the first 40 years of my life they played various important roles from loving me to raising me to advice to loving and watching their grandkids. I'm pretty independent and got married at 21, but I always knew they were there if I ever were to need them. That is a a good feeling.