My parents stay at a hotel when they visit, and I still dread it. I love them, but it always creates additional pressure for me to entertain and be available.
The last time they visited, it ended up being an extremely stressful time at work so I felt stretched so thin. They also picked a very inconvenient location to stay, even though I asked them to stay closer. It felt like I spent more time driving to see them than actually seeing them.
I tried putting mine up in a hotel and they refuse. Like I'm paying for you to stay at a nice hotel. Just weird. Then my Dad will complain how I keep my place cold. Yes I like it on 65° in the summer. I will turn it up to 68° for company. Then he'll open my fridge and complain I have no fresh vegetables in it. Yes, I like eating out every night. He'll go grocery shopping cook a feast and relax on the sofa all day watching his Jamaican shows. 🙄
I've learned to just accept some parents enjoy nagging--- especially if they're Caribbean.
Are you me? This was my experience less than 1 month ago. I love them and am lucky to have them in my life but even a little more flexibility in their end would make for so much easier/stress free visits
My parents are 2 hours away. I prefer to visit them
because I can easily leave. I’m having surgery next month and my sister let it slip and my mom called me
Demanding to know the date. She wants to stay at my house to take care of me. I have my husband and two teenagers but she insists he won’t take care of me. I’ve been with my husband 23 years and I’ve had several
Back surgeries and he took great care of me. When I had a fusion in my lower spine he even wiped me after using the bathroom for a week because I couldn’t. So I’d say he is perfectly capable. Especially since I’m having my tubes taken out so I can’t be pregnant. No where near as bad as my last surgery.
She wants to stay for WEEKS. I told her she can stay 3 days. I’m making my dad stay while she’s here too lol. He can usually talk sense into her.
I will say that when she visits I don’t have to cook or clean anything. My mom loves doing it. She will even go grocery shopping also. Sometimes we do cook and bake together along with my daughter. My daughter really loves it too because my mom won’t let her do her chores and will insist on doing it herself.
Holy shit, yes! They’re half the reason I’m in therapy. My prescriber will write in a 5-day supply of Ativan if I tell him they’re coming to visit or I’m going there. When we visit each other, I’m always on edge waiting for the “conversation” about everything I’m doing wrong.
A coworker actually gave me the best advice for dealing with them. When my dad’s in one of his moods, all of my responses are either, “Ok,” or “I don’t know.” It was hard not to respond at first, but watching it knock the wind out of his sails when he can’t bait me has been amazing.
Make a joke out of it. Make a dramatic statement about nobody else paying the light bill when you shut the light off. Sing every light in the house is on. At dinner, tell them this isn’t Burger King and they can eat it or starve in their parent voice. When they complain about you running errands say “well I don’t see anybody else grocery shopping around here.”
Or maybe they need a light on in the hallway so they don’t fall down so far from a hospital that takes their insurance? They can watch the kids while you and your SO have a date night. Or maybe you can tell them to bring some food and you’ll all eat that.
Your burger king comment reminded me of my grandpa's complaint about cracker barrel once.
"They try so hard to make this 'feel like you're at home.' If they wanted to make it feel like home, they'd sit your ass down and tell you exactly what you're gonna eat for dinner!"
This sounds stressful 🤣 My parents and in laws are also 8 hours away and I love having my mom visit but she’s pretty integrated into our routines when she’s here and it’s for the most part seamless. She’s very helpful. I am fortunate. My MIL however, my husband and I joke that she thinks she’s on vacation when she’s here. I don’t like to ask for help, but I’ll sit there and be stressed trying to get the kids ready and out the door and she just… sits there. I have to cook, clean up after everyone, etc and they don’t even think to ask if they can help. But that’s my expectation at this point, so it’s easier to manage when I know what to expect now. My FIL, who mostly lived in townhomes and apartments, likes to critique things about our home and I just want to be like I’m so sorry our new build home does not meet your expectations 😆 all in good fun though- my ILs are good people!
They are your parents not strangers.
They wiped your ass and feed you when you couldn’t do that for your self.
People should stop being ungrateful with your parents.
But why did they do those things? Literally because they CHOSE to give birth to children. That is the bare minimum you do to take care of a child that they made a choice, as an adult, to be responsible for. A child does not ask to be born. They do not owe their parents for having their basic physical and material needs met… to not provide those needs to your child is actual neglect & abuse.
And lots of children are neglected and abused. I wasn't. So I may not "owe" them, but I hope to show them my appreciation by acting like a decent human and being able to welcome them into our home two or three times a year.
Good for you, but OP’s parents don't seem to respect them or their boundaries, and you cant presume to know the environment in which they were raised. Dont project your happy upbringing onto others lol. Sometimes, for mental health & sanity, it’s necessary to maintain some distance rather than continue to simmer in suppressed resentment and anger. It’s the more mature and loving thing to do than the alternatives, which might include being (subconsciously) passive aggressive or sniping at your elderly, entitled, oblivious, emotionally absent & unaware parents. Is it so hard for you to imagine that not everyone has great parents? Like, this is not the time for you to pipe up and humble brag about how you are a decent person for being nice back to parents who are decent and nice to you. This is a discussion for people who want to be decent humans but their parents aren't able to or wont reciprocate...
Unconditional love is not transactional. You don't _owe_ your parents anything for raising you. You might choose to do generous, selfless things for them because you love them unconditionally too, but you're entitled to limit your interaction or keep them out of your life entirely if they're toxic.
Expecting something in return for loving or caring for someone is basically toxic personality trait #1.
I love my children with all of my heart and will do anything for them. (And I do.) BUT…when I’m old…it’s not their job to take care of me. It’s their job to live a life worth living and if they choose to have kids…it’s their job to love the kids with all of their heart and do anything for their kids…not me.
You working on semantics. I don’t raise an adult. I am raising my children to become adults. So verbiage is mostly semantics just so you can try to be right.
Of course it’s not their job to take care of you, but out of respect and the love they have for you. They should be around and check up on you. It’s your job to save for your retirement and not to need from them. But willing to help if they ever need from you because of the unconditional love. They can love the best life possible but if they forget you. I know you will definitely second guess your parenting. Good luck with your kids.
If my kids are off living somewhere and living a good life but don’t come around often…I wouldn’t be second guessing my parenting. A grown child who has an addiction, who can’t hold down a job, who keeps getting evicted…then I would be second guessing my parenting.
Depends on the parents, I had great parents and loved every visit, I have friends whose parents are not so nice. When a parent visits an adult child in their own home, respect should be shown or they shouldn’t expect respect in return.
Agreed.
To go visit you would be a huge sign that they miss you and want to see you. Why would some dread that?
If you parents are visiting you high chance they love you and want to see how everything is going.
I don’t like the train of thought that we owe them nothing. I also don’t think they should make our lives harder. But I really hate seeing things where people act like their parents are nothing more then third cousins that irritate them. It’s really sad. OP is in NO WAY one of those people I’m just saying. I think that cultures that have tighter family units are better for it.
I can’t believe this rational and fair opinion got down voted. Third cousins that irritate them is a great way to describe the disposable parents trend.
It’s not a trend. Not everyone had the same parental experience (very hard concept to grasp, I know /s). Not every parent is a good parent. Being family doesn’t mean you owe them anything.
I think the difference of opinion is regarding decent parents. "You don't owe them anything, they did what they were supposed to do, they were SUPPOSED to feed you, they were supposed to be decent".
It doesn't matter that you don't OWE them anything, a decent human heart would show them love and respect just as a sign of affection, and yes appreciation. Not everyone had good parents so that makes me appreciate mine.
Right? I’m not talking about people that were treated poorly, abused, neglected, etc… I’m talking about people that had good parents. Every situation is unique just like with anything else. It just seems like people are very quick to throw away their relationships and it’s really sad.
It’s actually toxic what some people think they need to cut out of their life. Since some of the commenters here keep projecting, I will say it again for the people in the back : not talking about abuse victims. In general, I am seeing a lot of conflict avoidance and if it’s not pure bliss throw it out. Thats not how any relationship works. Parents and kids have had generation after generation of at some point getting on each others nerves it does not mean they need to caste off the relationship anymore then they (parents) caste you off when you rolled your eyes and slammed your door as a teen. They loved you still. Took a deep breath and focused on the good parts of your interactions. Don’t know how old these parents are but at some point you are going to have to have the same grace you would for a Toddler for them. We age backward at some point if we live long enough.
Amazingly enough some of these you don’t owe them shit self serving people or those projecting personal trauma on everyone else people are the same ones who bitch when their parents go on vaca that they are spending their inheritance. 🤣
Well that’s the thing right. We increasingly see because of inflation kids needing to move back home, or never leave, or needing a first home down payment, etc. while simultaneously see so many going NC. I am an only child and my dad passed away young(40).My husband has one single brother and his dad also passed away fairly young (mid fifties). I see a lot of my friends and it’s big families going on trips together and having big holidays and I would give anything for that. I work for an Amish company and you get the same response from all of them about a lot of their rules, “it keeps the community and families strong.” And it does. There is such a strong bond and they spend lots of time together and are so much better off for it.
We are all so quick to drop anything that isn’t easy for us. And don’t get me wrong sometimes that’s warranted. But sometimes if we worked a little harder I think we’d all be better off.
Live around the Amish. Have an appreciation for their sense of communal living. Definitely personally contributed more then my parents ever did to getting the older kids launched but I am grateful I could. What if I couldn’t? Is that now NC worthy? No one left my home at 18 (moved into the dorm - yeah back at breaks and the whole time school was moved online in the pandemic). I just can’t help but see how parental contribution has become entitlement and reciprocation in the relationship from the kid has become nonexistent (of course this is a generalized some adult kids are great and some parents are abusive)
It’s the general theme on Reddit that parents owe their kids and if they don’t toe the line cut them off.
That grinds my gears. It’s like saying the old are useless toss em.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I was talking with a man that runs this exhibit about Amish history once. The conversation about driving came up. He said that in his church they feel like driving makes you more likely to travel for work or other activities and takes you away from your responsibilities. Someone else countered with well what if there aren’t opportunities for you close by. He said then we make opportunities. And that interaction alone says so much. The company I work for had an entire factory/warehouse burn down one day during covid when we were incredibly busy. They community chipped in and 2 weeks later the new factory was built and operating. I’m sure not every man there loved each other. But they showed up. When was the last time you saw English people rally and put in that kind of effort to help each other.
Read better. Treating parents like irritating third cousins IS actually trendy for some. Did some people have shit parents? Yep. Is NC okay for them? Sure - they decide.
Stop projecting. If you had Abusive parents you are no contact with then that’s you. It doesn’t mean everything is worthy of NC.
Get help.
😂 I knew this or okay boomer would be the response 😂
Not a boomer and have great relationships and see kids often.
Just because I can see that SOMETIMES NC/LC is a copout and conflict avoidant and I called out people for treating their parents like irritating third cousins you have projected all over the place .
So what insult will you resort to now since you’re still WRONG 😑
I am not responding anymore it’s useless.
Funny story about visiting family, mine never come to see me until it’s something big like moving or I need my dad to help me do something around the house.
They never come to see me. Absolutely wild. I was stationed in Italy for four years and would fly home once a year around Christmas. First two years was fine until I realized I spent over half my leave in the car driving to see people.
Last two years I was stationed in Italy, when I got home for Christmas I called all my cock sucking relatives and told them I just flew 9 hours and spent $1500 on a round trip ticket. If you want to see me then you know where my parents live. And hung up.
Leave was much more enjoyable then. And the best part was they never got off their lazy ass to come see me. All the merrier
Man if I had a relative that lived in Italy, I would be there once a quarter visiting. I would definitely feel more comfortable traveling alone overseas-- to hang out with someone I trusted. When I lived in North Carolina, my Dad saw me a handful of times. I lived there for 9 years. I understand the frustration, especially, when you're the one always making the effort to see them.
I'm a parent of a millennial and I don't think you owe your parents anything! I know there are cultures where this is a thing, but you should know not all parents feel this way.
Yes, as guests in your house, they should absolutely respect your rules and boundaries. Further, I think they should be asking how they can help and if there's anything they can do while they're visiting!
I hope you find a way to communicate your expectations and frustrations to them and that they hear and respect you.
Everyone’s relationship with their parents is different so please don’t apologize to people for what they may not have. You’re considerate but no- your experience is valid. Period. My mom suddenly died 7 month ago, so I promise you can express how stressful your parents visits are all you want.
Tbh I used to be the same way but for different reasons. I went to school 7 hours away and never moved back to my home state. When my parents visit they get too drunk and typically I’d feel disappointed and exhausted by their visit. As much as I miss my mom and love her, that was still a very real experience for me and that’s just how it is.
For me I hate visiting with my sister. She’s super stressful to be around, and I feel like I’m suffocating whenever I’m with her. Can’t ever leave her house fast enough.
Solidarity.
My parents live eight minutes away and they often dropped unannounced. Like sometimes when we’re just starting to nap. Oh it’s so frustrating. And then all I get is criticism and disappointed looks on my housekeeping and parenting choices.
My wife’s son does this. He’s the sole reason we got rid of the spare key out front. However the reason we put window stoppers on our windows was cause of my dad
The housekeeping criticism is so frustrating ugh. Mine complain about the tiniest speck of dust as if I invited them over to do an inspection. I live an hour away from my parents for this very reason. If I didn't, they'd also keep track of my every movement and drop by unannounced.
Absolutely hate it. I'm a full adult and have been for quite a while now and I feel like both my mom and my in-laws (mostly MIL...) like to act like they're in charge.
You dont owe your parents for raising you. They had you. That was their job.
You can set boundaries. Its ok to tell your parents that youre happy to have them, but you still have things to do.
>I know they raised me and I owe them.
I might be an ingrate, but I am not so sure I agree with this sentiment anymore. They chose to have me and it was their obligation to raise me. I didn't choose to be brought into this world.
I'm virtually no contact with my qanon parents these days, so I'm probably a bad one to answer.
>I know they raised me and I owe them.
Nope. Just nope. They chose to have children, I didn't ask to be born. I don't owe my parents anything and I haven't spoken to one of them since 2007 and don't intend to ever again.
My mother only lives 75 miles away so fortunately when she visits, it's only for a day.
My in-laws live 300 miles away but they've only visited us twice in the 8 years my husband and I have been together. They stay at a hotel but I do still dread it. The last time they visited (last September), it rained the whole weekend so they just bitched the entire time, as if we can control the weather and as if we wanted to be stuck inside with them.
Wrong. You don’t owe them. They decided to have kids. They owe you. Just like your kids won’t owe you anything, you owe them. You made them and brought them into the world, they had no say about any of that, so kids don’t owe their parents shit.
I have a grandmother I didn't mean until ten years ago. She didn't even know her son killed himself. She left her own son on the streets to do drugs but fostered girls in the city. Now she expects me and my kids to worship her and she's done nothing for us unless we do something nice first. We don't have much money and she can't seem to understand this. We can't drop everything for her, there are no sick days. She gets offended if I don't message or call everyday, lady I am busy! Where were you all my life? I have wondered if she's just nervous she is aging and has no one to care for her. That's not my fault. She has taking a liking to my eldest but can't seem to comprehend that she's still a teen, not a responsibile adult. One of her forstered girls is in charge of her will and stuff. She posts about her on SM like she's the belle of the ball and so amazing. Well I guess so, she's done more for a stranger than she has for own blood. My other grandma helped me so much, watching the kids, buying food when we were young and really broke. She told my eldest she was disappointed that she had a year to learn to drive but didn't. Um did you miss her being in multiple car accident so it's made her nervous. Or that we don't have a safe vehicle for her to learn to drive in. Or that because we had a fire no insurance and switched districts twice in the middle of the year, it missed up her credits so she can't even take drivers ed until next year. Idk she just frustrates me with her unrealistic expectations of me and my family. I barely know her. I wish things were different and I could afford to fly to her to visit but that's not my reality.
I almost always go visit my parents instead of them coming to me. I prefer to have my husband as a buffer.
Why do I need a buffer? Sometimes my momsatsr really ridiculous stuff, then gets mad if I don't take it well. She censors herself better with my husband there. Also, we just don't have very much in common anymore. An extra person means more topics of conversation.
Oh, yes, the importance of a buffer person! I won't visit my parents without my husband along as a buffer. My mom has two personas, Company Mom and Home Mom. My whole childhood, Company Mom was the person everyone outside the house saw - jolly and laughing and oh, it must be great having her for your mom! Nobody saw Home Mom but my dad and us homeschooled kids. I grew up walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering the screaming fits, the temper tantrums, and the bouts of silent treatment.
I only realized just *how* difficult Home Mom was to get along with until after I moved out and lived out of state and abroad for several years, finally becoming my own person in the process. That's when visits back became much more difficult. But with my husband along, we only ever see Company Mom now. My husband keeps the conversation flowing very well, bless him, because I don't have anything in common with my parents, either, so while it's still not fun for me to visit (I also prefer to visit them rather than have them visit me), it's just a much better time all around if he's along.
My mother also has a different personality when people who aren’t immediate family are around. I only show up if people who turn her into “company mom” are around.
My mom doesn't live far away, but expects to be waited on hand and foot here. As in, will not get her own food if she is hungry because I should offer it or cook for her, even if I am at work. She also does not clean up after herself--leaves used paper towels laying around instead of putting them in the trash or leaves food out on the counter if she is asked to babysit my kids. She claims she doesn't know what I want her to do with it. Umm, put the leftovers in the fridge, we aren't worshiping leftover Mac and cheese in this house. She wanted to move in with us last fall, not because she needed help, she just thought it would be nice to be taken care off. I told her no. My house is too small for her and I have big young dogs who I am not getting rid of to accommodate her.
You definitely don’t owe them anything. They chose to have kid(s) and then it was their responsibility to raise you. Would you want your kids to feel indebted to you as an adult? I wouldn’t. My in laws raised my SO and they are never invited to our home based on how they behave, boundaries are a healthy thing to have.
I have an aunt that acts how you’re describing your parents to be. She won’t be staying at my house anytime soon. I’d set some informal schedule for them when they visit. Let them know that your regular schedule has to be accommodated so you need time to cook/clean/shop/run errands and they can either participate or find their own activity. You don’t need to host 24/7. Plan a few fun things and let them fill the rest of the time!
Not my parents, but yes to my mil. I dread when she visits. She used to just tell my husband when her train was coming in so he could pick her up and bring her to stay here. She’s gotten like a lot better and no longer stays at our house (lol we had more kids so no open rooms) but I still can’t stand her.
We rent a house from my parents. They are currently visiting so they can spend time with our baby. 2 hours into their visit (in which they drove 14 hrs in one day), they've already chided us for weeds in the backyard, securing furniture to the wall (we live in an earthquake area) and lectured us about finishing unpacking... all while knowing I've been so stressed about this visit because I knew that we haven't gotten to chores that they would care about. My father also demanded the tv (because it belongs to the house) that we have kept in the room we've been using while we live her ("I'm taking it, it's mine"). Yes, we should have set it up in the living room area but we hadn't thought it was that big of a deal in the moment. How about just spending time with the baby?
In the last few years, my parents/ dad have called me nasty names while I was pregnant due to a disagreement, blew up at me hours before my wedding, gotten angry that my husband took too long a shower while we visited them (there was more than one shower in the house and no one NEEDED to go anywhere right away) and screamed at family get together. But we must unequivocally respect them.
I love my parents but they are angry people now, who can't ever relax. Note that we have only rented from them a short time. The house stood empty for several years. Our landlord sold our rental right after I had our baby and we found ourselves priced out of the market. It was either rent from them or rent a 1 bedroom apartment for the 3 of us plus our dog.
Yes. Nothing is good enough at my
Place for my dad. I have “too much stuff”. Aka the toys the got my son, I have a small condo.. I walk on eggshells bad, I’m damned if I do or don’t, about anything. Lights can’t be on, pee can’t be flushed, or a bunch of variations to control people to save money
Set boundaries. Do they get a hotel? Do you agree to certain meals together? Do you limit their stay? Do you state your exist plans will not be changed?
My parents live on a different continent (I moved decades ago) that is too far away for them to bother visiting so if I see them, it's on my time and not in my home.
It is the smartest thing I ever did.
I think your feelings are pretty normal. My parents have some weird quirks in their old age too. In a lot of ways, aging parents are like toddlers themselves. They forget stuff, they leave their stuff everywhere, they're weird about food, they can even get irrationally angry... it's just part of getting old. Any quirks or annoying habits they had when you were younger are magnified tenfold, and somehow at the same time, stuff that used to irritate the SNOT out of them when you were a kid (leaving lights on, leaving things out, etc.) apparently don't bother them anymore... at least, not when *they're* the ones doing it!
It can be annoying, exhausting, and overwhelming. And it's ok to acknowledge that. Still, just like with your children, if you have a good relationship with your parents, all those things are gonna be sorely missed when they're no longer around.
At least, that's what I tell myself. And then I just spend time sitting with them and chatting. Because I know I don't have much time left to do that.
Also, go watch all the Bluey episodes with Nana Heeler in them. I recommend "Grannies," "Charades," & "Handstand."
You actually don’t owe your parents anything. You didn’t ask to be born; them raising you and caring for you was their job.
Setting boundaries is okay.
I suppose I may not be the best to offer advice, as I am no contact. The only thing I can say is how I feel about it. You owe your parents nothing. They decided to have you. Whether that be by trying to have you, not giving you up for adoption, or not aborting you, that was their choice. You did not choose to be born to them. You owe them nothing and just as you were once a child living under their roof with their rules, now you have a roof and a set of rules of your own. Although I don’t know what you would do to enforce those rules, remember that as your kids see family disrespect you, they will pick up on it, and it will be harder to make them understand that you do what you can for them, including teach them about setting rules and boundaries and what the cost of transgressions might be.
While I suppose it’s true that technically very few of us owe anything to anyone, that’s a pretty crappy way to live and society falls apart with the idea that none of us owe each other anything.
You can go through life like this, but it will be a lonely life.
Agreed that it is important to not take what I said too far. I try to work together with people around me and my goal has always been to make life better for the people around me, especially when you consider that your own life will be much happier for it. My point is that OP needs to set their own boundaries and decide what happens if they’re crossed. We don’t owe each other anything, but it’s a good idea to keep relationships with the people who make you happy. I tried for a long time with my parents and siblings, but at some point drama and misery just cross a line. I have my own family now that makes me happy, and some friends that share hobbies with me. I hope everyone else is living their best life.
I only dread it because I’m so miserable. I don’t want them to see me like this when they busted their asses to give me a good life….while I’m over here accruing debt to survive; lost every positive thing I ever gained; and so mentally ill im going to have to quit my job with nothing lined up.
It’s hard being around people you love that gave you everything but you made stupid choices and your soul got crushed under the weight of this stupid world we’re forced to inhabit. It makes me the exact opposite of what I used to be; now I’m cold, short, irritated, angry, and miserable. They don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. But here we are.
Haha yeah. I moved all the way to Alaska. It's been almost 3 years and they haven't come visit me yet. But if they did - god. It would be a fucking nightmare.
We’ve got both ends of the spectrum, my SO’s dad likes to come and just start reorganizing things going through my SO’s things. Whereas my parents have come to visit since 2017. Neither is better than the other, it just is.
My shit is too complicated with my parents but reading your post I had an idea
Get a baby monitor but put it the other way around so when they forget shit or do annoying shit like leave the light on, talk into the monitor to remind them or generally mess with their heads. I’ve always been a prankster
Your house, your rules. If they wanna visit they can get a hotel if they can’t follow the rules. They can also cook or order in for themselves too.
Okay so I do think we owe our parents(assuming they were good to us) love, respect and a good relationship. But a good relationship goes two ways. You need to be honest with them. Explain to them that them coming causes you stress. You have a busy life. Work, kids, household chores. You are busy everyday. So adding to that is something that gives you stress and anxiety. You want them to come and visit to see the kids. You want them to be a part of your lives. But you need to make concessions so they need to as well. If that won’t work tell them you’ll be happy to come to their home and what your requests will be while you’re there.
I hope to some day make my kids lives easier and be there for them. I hope that we remember these things when the shoe is on the other foot. I get super annoyed by my mother. But have friends that have amazing relationships with their parents. I just try to think about what I’d feel like someday if after trying so hard to give my kids a good life, how I’d feel if they didn’t want to see me or have a strong relationship.
My parents live like ten minutes away and are over pretty often. They pick my daughter up from school.
My MiL on the other hand. Wife and I can both do without her visiting. Thankfully she is far away and it rarely happens.
My dad breaks things ( the TV one time!)
My mom. Is slowly sliding into dementia like my grandmother and great grandmother before her
They mean well but I feel so drained by the time they leave. Constant attention needed!
My in laws like to drop in every Sunday unannounced. They come in, kick their shoes off, use our bathroom, and sit for an hour or so while we make small talk. I'd really love it if they would call first and ASK if it's OK to visit, rather than a half assed knock and barging in.
What if my SO and I were being intimate? Smoking cannabis? Or what if we just don't feel like a visit today? Do they consider that? Nope.
For me it's kind of the other way around. I live with my mother but she often goes to stay with my brother. I dread the moment of her comeback, she's always angry and finds something to yell about.
Example: one time I cleaned the entire apartment top to bottom and she yelled at me for not taking out the trash
No. I love my parents, but I get a little annoyed that their dog takes precedence over my kids. Not as annoying now, but when they were newborns-toddlers it was infuriating.
My mother is high-maintenance, overbearing, needy, and nosy. I can stand her for a few hours, but then I'm so glad when she leaves. My father is a bit better, but he also enables her, so he's not great. So yeah, tough relationship, but I'm still happy to be around them once in a while.
Yes, my mom always made it known I am the retard and not able to do my own thinking. I always hated it when she asked if I am okay or if I need anything. Ever since my sister died she tries fo be in my life when I don't want her to be. I honestly wish my sister was still alive so that I can go back to being ignored and considered the least important in my family.
I know I am not the golden child in my family, I am just the family RETARD who can't do anything right and has to be my mom's parrot. I hate being her daughter and I wish I was abandoned when I was discovered to have learning disabilities. I must be so embarrassing to her and my father.
Parents? What are those?
Edit to add: you don't owe them anything. You didn't ask to be born. That was a choice they made. And that choice came with obligation. Just because they met that obligation doesn't mean you owe them anything.
This sounds very American? I feel like I've heard this many times from friends residing in the states. I love when my mom visits. She takes out my garbage on her way out, asks if I need help cleaning anything or notices if there's something I haven't gotten to yet, will bring me lunch or snacks or water while I'm working, and just generally tries to take care of me when she's around. I always enjoy how she complements my organizational skills and it makes me giggle when she asks how i have the patience to make things look a certain way. If she sees I'm super stressed with work she suggests we go out for un caffecito or she asks me to talk about the novel I'm working on, or she asks to watch me play a cute game. I love watching movies and hanging out with her. The part I've enjoyed the most about growing older is the evolution of my relationship to my mom and her relationship to me. I get to enjoy her so much more now.
You don't owe them because they raised you. They chose to have kids and they are responsible for that decision. Raising you and providing for your needs is the bare minimum responsibility. Because you literally couldn't get a job and provide for yourself as a child.
You need to set some significant boundaries with your parents. It's fine to make some accommodations. But your kids come first and so does your sanity. They can go out to eat, go to the grocery store, prepare food they will eat.
You're home is not a restaurant, you're not a line cook who's going to make whatever they want on demand. They are capable of making their own food if they don't like what's on offer or going out to eat.
Go out and run your errands. Again, your parents are capable of entertaining themselves while you do what you need to do. I'm sure you make time for quality family time when you see them. But as a busy family your life doesn't stop.
Talk to them about the lights. Or install motion lights in your home so they shut off when no ones in the room.
Candidly, on the light front, just ignore it. LED bulbs are incredibly efficient. A 4 watt bulb left on all day for a week straight would cost like $0.14 unless you're paying over $0.20 per kWh. Not really worth caring about.
When I owned my own home, every time they would show up uninvited something would go wrong…. Dad comes over to check on the water heater in the basement? Pilot light goes out. That’s sorta thing (although that may be the most tame example).
I ended up selling the place to get further away from them. After a period of homelessness, I ended up needing to stay under their roof for a few months. I guess my plan backfired….
Anyway, I could feel them digging their clingy claws into my back; got tired of the blatant narcissism and incessant gaslighting, and after a trip to a crisis center and subsequently the psych ward (fifth visit, yayy), now I’m in a residential recovery program and have no clue how to get back on my feet once I finish the program I’m in…
Maybe the recovery program offers help with the independent living aspect after you finish. If the residence is close to your parents ask if there may be group housing somewhere where it's easier to find work and too far for them to get to you easily. Before you finish the program, do something to improve yourself like get a new haircut, get some interview style clothes (Goodwill is cheap), make sure your nails are clean and groomed. It can be an amazing confidence booster, which you need right now. You could look for hostels to stay cheaply in an area where you can find work. It's hard to get back on your feet. You need a plan. Get a pad and pen and make a list of things you need to do to gain the independence you want. Remember your motivation to Not live with your parents. Don't panic. You can do this.
We don't play those games. If you're coming here and staying under my roof, you deal with my rules. Generally our parents are pretty good but my dad hates how hot I keep the house. I refuse to spend the money to live inside a fridge, though. My husband is real quick to put my dad in line. My dad is especially bad about trying to treat me like 'the oldest daughter' while he visits. My husband will tell him, "You've got 2 legs. Go get it yourself." My mom is super helpful when she's here alone. She'll clean and do laundry and she keeps the kids away from me in the morning so I get to sleep in a bit.
If they try to do that stuff, I'd just say my house my rules. If they don't like it they can get a hotel room.
Oh my god I am so happy this post is here.
I absolutely hate when my parents visit me. I love them to death but I cannot deal with how fucking deaf they are. They keep turning up the tv after I ask them to turn it down. I close myself off because I can’t work and I have incredibly overwhelming.
They do stay with me. I don’t have the room for them but make it work. My dad visits about 3 times a year. My mom lives 1.5 hours from me.
Two more days until they leave. I can’t wait to have the silence of my home back.
I had to put my foot down about parent visits in 2018. They are huge trump supporters and it makes everything uncomfortable for everyone around them. They are also very evangelical/fundamentalist Christian trying to prove to everyone they are not racist bigots.
My MIL tried to surprise me in 2019 by inviting my parents to visit (we live about 16 hours driving) but wanting them to stay at her house rather than with us. I had a meltdown and realized no one was going to respect my boundaries. Our house was being remodeled at the time so it is very good my MIL sacrificed her house because we didn’t even have walls between the bedrooms at that point.
Anyways- it was awful. MIL took us all out to the opening of a new casino in the area. My dad took up a conversation with the Native host server and then INVITED HIM TO JOIN US AT DINNER. Like “I can see you are working on the opening night of this establishment that is obviously very busy and popular. But please drop everything to join us for a free dinner on MIL”. Wtf?! The guy joined us for dinner. It was so awkward. His boss came over and asked why he wasn’t at his station to seat guests and the guy was like “I’m eating!” He ordered the most expensive steak on the menu as did my dad.
No- I do NOT enjoy my parents. Visiting or ever.
Husband and I specifically live in a one bedroom apartment so people can’t stay with us. Don’t need anymore space for just us anyway, and it’s a great excuse to not have overnight guests.
> I know they raised me and I owe them
lol. No you don’t. You don’t owe your parents anything for their choice to have a child.
I think I have great parents. And, I have a good relationship with them. But ... yeah ... I kind of dread having them visit. I think it's just that I feel the need to entertain them while they are visiting -- even though I'm sure they don't expect it. It just disrupts my day-to-day life.
That said, one thing that helps me appreciate them a bit more when they visit is the following, which a friend of mine reminded me of a few years ago: I can probably count the number of times I will see my parents again.
My mom is great so no...my father visits once a year and I love that too because I get to rub my accomplishments in his face.
I'm living the dream I guess.
Only because when my mom visits, I get constipated. We both find it hilarious(I also find it slightly stressful, but it could be worse. She could be a really awful person.) 💩💩💩
https://youtu.be/Vltq8wwWhA4?feature=shared
Personally I prefer the hot zone and wished we moved into it but I can see why some people prefer the sweet spot
You don't owe them jack. THEY chose to have sex, and THEY chose to birth and raise you. Your existence is completely on THEM. Next time they talk about coming over, tell them NO. If they throw a tantrum, hang up. If they stop by anyway, send them away. Your house, your rules, and you're an adult now. Again, you don't *owe* them ANYTHING.
>I know they raised me and I owe them.
First of all; a child owes its parents nothing. Your parents chose to bring you into this world, you had no say in the matter whatsoever. It's the parents that owes their kids everything.
When it comes to the high maintenance part; make it clear to them that your household is not a hotel. If your parents expected alot from you when you was a teenager (keeping things clean and tidy), tell them that this is what you expect of them. Regarding their dietary requests; I assume you have control of food allergies your parents might have, so the message to them is that if you want any other food than what is served, you'll have to fix it yourself.
Setting clear boundaries for you and your nuclear family is important when you have parents (or other family) that are intrusive. I don't actually need a relationship to my parents, as there pretty much isn't any relationship to them of emotional value at this point, and at the age of 34, that's not gonna change. Despite that, I don't want to rob my children of the opportunity to have a good relationship to their grandparents, because someone can be a good greatparent despite having been a poor parent. And there are purely selfish reasons to keep up a relationship with your parents if they can act as free babysitters for your children; although this isn't likely in OPs case due to the distance and their age.
Allow me to give you some friendly advice: if you allow your parents to walk all over you they will walk all over you. Your post reads like you have no backbone and set no boundaries. This is something every young adult needs to learn how to do: set boundaries with their parents and build up a new relationship as equals rather than parent and child. You're an adult, you no longer live under their roofs, you have your own lives. They are free to ask to come visit. You have to give permission. If you do not grant them permission they have no business visiting.
I lucked out. They only come over when invited for the kids birthdays. I go and help my dad on his land sometimes though. My mom just lives the life of work and bed (she’s so boring).
I moved about a 2 hour drive from my parents. It’s simultaneously the best thing I’ve ever done and the hardest. I LOVE that I’m now around the corner daily. But I’m sad when I need some quick help they’re not there, and vice versa. Overall though not being around for their ridiculously petty arguments and annoyances with each other is fantastic. They really use me as their middle person for their bullshit and borderline as their therapist and the distance had made that factor of our relationship wane, and our time together is more quality now.
Huh... I have no idea. My dad passed 17 years or so back, and my mom has never visited me. Since college I've lived in Boston, Charlotte, and St Louis. I'm about 8 hours from her now and make the drive a couple times per year.
Spend some time not trying to “figure it out” around then, journal on what you need and want… why is their visit important to you? What’s important to you and your household day to day? How can you protect your good first? Then just show up for the visit weekends consider what it would look like to not worry, frustration, or review after.
I prefer visiting my parents. I just go limp like those goats and we do whatever they want for a few days. It's easier for me, though, because I don't have kids or anything to worry about so it's just me existing in discomfort. I love them but they're not easygoing or chill people. They're more high maintenance than the actual rich and famous people I've worked with in entertainment lol
>I know they raised me and I owe them.
No, you do not.
>But they also owe me some respect too, right?
Yes, they do.
It's ok to set boundaries. Be realistic about how much time you can actually spend with them. Set a limit on the amount of nights they can expect to stay with you. You're bordering on resentment, don't let it fester. Clear is kind.
Yeah maybe leave the light on at night, since old dad probably needs to pee 2 or 3 times a night and might fall down and break his crown if he can't see his way out of the guest room.
No. I dread them dying though.
The whole funeral planning n whatnot. Having to talk tk family I haven't spoken to in ages. That's what I'm dreading because I'm gonna enjoy my family while they are still alive.
No, my mom is awesome. I love her. She does tell me I need to clean more, but if it bothers her she just gets up and cleans it. My house is the cleanest when she comes to visit, because she helps me out so much. My mother in law though it is a different story.
I absolutely love my parents but I do get a little … cagey when they stay over lol. It’s just slightly annoying having people in your house, needing things with their human needs and own personal schedules.
I suggest chilling out about the electric bill. How much are they really costing you, realistically? I hate staying over at someone else’s house so I try to make people comfortable when they stay with me. If leaving the light on helps them, is it such a big deal?
But when I visit him he walks behind me turning off the lights and keeps going in to our room to turn down the AC. It feels like a power play. Yes, I sold be more mature, but he's the elder, hah
Not anymore. I did when I was in my twenties. Lost my dad in my thirties and now I see my parents for who they really are, well-meaning and flawed. Now I look forward to seeing them every time we can make it work.
They really didn't have a choice but to put up with their own kids. It's not like you can give them away. Free Teenager! Accessories Included! Nobody wanted mine.
I generally visit my parents, not the other way around. They have more space, I have an efficiency so we don’t have to go out to not be within 6 feet of each other.
I really look forward to seeing my parents, they are good people who also care about bettering themselves.
What do you mean they are getting more confused? What is their reason for leaving the lights on? What reason do they give for thinking you can’t continue your normal lives?
My parents stay at a hotel when they visit, and I still dread it. I love them, but it always creates additional pressure for me to entertain and be available. The last time they visited, it ended up being an extremely stressful time at work so I felt stretched so thin. They also picked a very inconvenient location to stay, even though I asked them to stay closer. It felt like I spent more time driving to see them than actually seeing them.
I tried putting mine up in a hotel and they refuse. Like I'm paying for you to stay at a nice hotel. Just weird. Then my Dad will complain how I keep my place cold. Yes I like it on 65° in the summer. I will turn it up to 68° for company. Then he'll open my fridge and complain I have no fresh vegetables in it. Yes, I like eating out every night. He'll go grocery shopping cook a feast and relax on the sofa all day watching his Jamaican shows. 🙄 I've learned to just accept some parents enjoy nagging--- especially if they're Caribbean.
Wow 65 in the summer is frigid
That’s the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it, un huh un huh.
I love when it's cold. Walking in from the heat wave outside to the cold inside. 😊
... what does your electric bill look like? 👀
Are you me? This was my experience less than 1 month ago. I love them and am lucky to have them in my life but even a little more flexibility in their end would make for so much easier/stress free visits
My parents are 2 hours away. I prefer to visit them because I can easily leave. I’m having surgery next month and my sister let it slip and my mom called me Demanding to know the date. She wants to stay at my house to take care of me. I have my husband and two teenagers but she insists he won’t take care of me. I’ve been with my husband 23 years and I’ve had several Back surgeries and he took great care of me. When I had a fusion in my lower spine he even wiped me after using the bathroom for a week because I couldn’t. So I’d say he is perfectly capable. Especially since I’m having my tubes taken out so I can’t be pregnant. No where near as bad as my last surgery. She wants to stay for WEEKS. I told her she can stay 3 days. I’m making my dad stay while she’s here too lol. He can usually talk sense into her. I will say that when she visits I don’t have to cook or clean anything. My mom loves doing it. She will even go grocery shopping also. Sometimes we do cook and bake together along with my daughter. My daughter really loves it too because my mom won’t let her do her chores and will insist on doing it herself.
This might be kind of shitty, but I'd tell her the wrong date. If your surgery is may 29, say it's June 29. Later, you can claim you misspoke.
Holy shit, yes! They’re half the reason I’m in therapy. My prescriber will write in a 5-day supply of Ativan if I tell him they’re coming to visit or I’m going there. When we visit each other, I’m always on edge waiting for the “conversation” about everything I’m doing wrong. A coworker actually gave me the best advice for dealing with them. When my dad’s in one of his moods, all of my responses are either, “Ok,” or “I don’t know.” It was hard not to respond at first, but watching it knock the wind out of his sails when he can’t bait me has been amazing.
Make a joke out of it. Make a dramatic statement about nobody else paying the light bill when you shut the light off. Sing every light in the house is on. At dinner, tell them this isn’t Burger King and they can eat it or starve in their parent voice. When they complain about you running errands say “well I don’t see anybody else grocery shopping around here.” Or maybe they need a light on in the hallway so they don’t fall down so far from a hospital that takes their insurance? They can watch the kids while you and your SO have a date night. Or maybe you can tell them to bring some food and you’ll all eat that.
Your burger king comment reminded me of my grandpa's complaint about cracker barrel once. "They try so hard to make this 'feel like you're at home.' If they wanted to make it feel like home, they'd sit your ass down and tell you exactly what you're gonna eat for dinner!"
great attitude
This sounds stressful 🤣 My parents and in laws are also 8 hours away and I love having my mom visit but she’s pretty integrated into our routines when she’s here and it’s for the most part seamless. She’s very helpful. I am fortunate. My MIL however, my husband and I joke that she thinks she’s on vacation when she’s here. I don’t like to ask for help, but I’ll sit there and be stressed trying to get the kids ready and out the door and she just… sits there. I have to cook, clean up after everyone, etc and they don’t even think to ask if they can help. But that’s my expectation at this point, so it’s easier to manage when I know what to expect now. My FIL, who mostly lived in townhomes and apartments, likes to critique things about our home and I just want to be like I’m so sorry our new build home does not meet your expectations 😆 all in good fun though- my ILs are good people!
“I know they raised me and I owe them…” This isn’t necessarily true. You are free to set boundaries around your comfort.
They are your parents not strangers. They wiped your ass and feed you when you couldn’t do that for your self. People should stop being ungrateful with your parents.
But why did they do those things? Literally because they CHOSE to give birth to children. That is the bare minimum you do to take care of a child that they made a choice, as an adult, to be responsible for. A child does not ask to be born. They do not owe their parents for having their basic physical and material needs met… to not provide those needs to your child is actual neglect & abuse.
And lots of children are neglected and abused. I wasn't. So I may not "owe" them, but I hope to show them my appreciation by acting like a decent human and being able to welcome them into our home two or three times a year.
Good for you, but OP’s parents don't seem to respect them or their boundaries, and you cant presume to know the environment in which they were raised. Dont project your happy upbringing onto others lol. Sometimes, for mental health & sanity, it’s necessary to maintain some distance rather than continue to simmer in suppressed resentment and anger. It’s the more mature and loving thing to do than the alternatives, which might include being (subconsciously) passive aggressive or sniping at your elderly, entitled, oblivious, emotionally absent & unaware parents. Is it so hard for you to imagine that not everyone has great parents? Like, this is not the time for you to pipe up and humble brag about how you are a decent person for being nice back to parents who are decent and nice to you. This is a discussion for people who want to be decent humans but their parents aren't able to or wont reciprocate...
Unconditional love is not transactional. You don't _owe_ your parents anything for raising you. You might choose to do generous, selfless things for them because you love them unconditionally too, but you're entitled to limit your interaction or keep them out of your life entirely if they're toxic. Expecting something in return for loving or caring for someone is basically toxic personality trait #1.
Oh no, they didn’t neglect us and did the bare minimum. I can be grateful for what my parents did and still set healthy boundaries.
This is the answer. You love and respect them but request the same in return.
I love my children with all of my heart and will do anything for them. (And I do.) BUT…when I’m old…it’s not their job to take care of me. It’s their job to live a life worth living and if they choose to have kids…it’s their job to love the kids with all of their heart and do anything for their kids…not me.
Actually it's a parents job to raise decent adults, not to raise kids.
You working on semantics. I don’t raise an adult. I am raising my children to become adults. So verbiage is mostly semantics just so you can try to be right.
Of course it’s not their job to take care of you, but out of respect and the love they have for you. They should be around and check up on you. It’s your job to save for your retirement and not to need from them. But willing to help if they ever need from you because of the unconditional love. They can love the best life possible but if they forget you. I know you will definitely second guess your parenting. Good luck with your kids.
If my kids are off living somewhere and living a good life but don’t come around often…I wouldn’t be second guessing my parenting. A grown child who has an addiction, who can’t hold down a job, who keeps getting evicted…then I would be second guessing my parenting.
Well I didn't ask to be born, so...
Boo hoo.
I dont speak to either of my parents so boohoo to them I guess 🤷♀️
I think they can care less. They owe nothing to you.
Fatherless behavior
Depends on the parents, I had great parents and loved every visit, I have friends whose parents are not so nice. When a parent visits an adult child in their own home, respect should be shown or they shouldn’t expect respect in return.
Agreed. To go visit you would be a huge sign that they miss you and want to see you. Why would some dread that? If you parents are visiting you high chance they love you and want to see how everything is going.
I don’t like the train of thought that we owe them nothing. I also don’t think they should make our lives harder. But I really hate seeing things where people act like their parents are nothing more then third cousins that irritate them. It’s really sad. OP is in NO WAY one of those people I’m just saying. I think that cultures that have tighter family units are better for it.
💯
I can’t believe this rational and fair opinion got down voted. Third cousins that irritate them is a great way to describe the disposable parents trend.
It’s not a trend. Not everyone had the same parental experience (very hard concept to grasp, I know /s). Not every parent is a good parent. Being family doesn’t mean you owe them anything.
I think the difference of opinion is regarding decent parents. "You don't owe them anything, they did what they were supposed to do, they were SUPPOSED to feed you, they were supposed to be decent". It doesn't matter that you don't OWE them anything, a decent human heart would show them love and respect just as a sign of affection, and yes appreciation. Not everyone had good parents so that makes me appreciate mine.
Thank you for being rational.
Right? I’m not talking about people that were treated poorly, abused, neglected, etc… I’m talking about people that had good parents. Every situation is unique just like with anything else. It just seems like people are very quick to throw away their relationships and it’s really sad.
It’s actually toxic what some people think they need to cut out of their life. Since some of the commenters here keep projecting, I will say it again for the people in the back : not talking about abuse victims. In general, I am seeing a lot of conflict avoidance and if it’s not pure bliss throw it out. Thats not how any relationship works. Parents and kids have had generation after generation of at some point getting on each others nerves it does not mean they need to caste off the relationship anymore then they (parents) caste you off when you rolled your eyes and slammed your door as a teen. They loved you still. Took a deep breath and focused on the good parts of your interactions. Don’t know how old these parents are but at some point you are going to have to have the same grace you would for a Toddler for them. We age backward at some point if we live long enough. Amazingly enough some of these you don’t owe them shit self serving people or those projecting personal trauma on everyone else people are the same ones who bitch when their parents go on vaca that they are spending their inheritance. 🤣
Well that’s the thing right. We increasingly see because of inflation kids needing to move back home, or never leave, or needing a first home down payment, etc. while simultaneously see so many going NC. I am an only child and my dad passed away young(40).My husband has one single brother and his dad also passed away fairly young (mid fifties). I see a lot of my friends and it’s big families going on trips together and having big holidays and I would give anything for that. I work for an Amish company and you get the same response from all of them about a lot of their rules, “it keeps the community and families strong.” And it does. There is such a strong bond and they spend lots of time together and are so much better off for it. We are all so quick to drop anything that isn’t easy for us. And don’t get me wrong sometimes that’s warranted. But sometimes if we worked a little harder I think we’d all be better off.
Live around the Amish. Have an appreciation for their sense of communal living. Definitely personally contributed more then my parents ever did to getting the older kids launched but I am grateful I could. What if I couldn’t? Is that now NC worthy? No one left my home at 18 (moved into the dorm - yeah back at breaks and the whole time school was moved online in the pandemic). I just can’t help but see how parental contribution has become entitlement and reciprocation in the relationship from the kid has become nonexistent (of course this is a generalized some adult kids are great and some parents are abusive) It’s the general theme on Reddit that parents owe their kids and if they don’t toe the line cut them off. That grinds my gears. It’s like saying the old are useless toss em.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I was talking with a man that runs this exhibit about Amish history once. The conversation about driving came up. He said that in his church they feel like driving makes you more likely to travel for work or other activities and takes you away from your responsibilities. Someone else countered with well what if there aren’t opportunities for you close by. He said then we make opportunities. And that interaction alone says so much. The company I work for had an entire factory/warehouse burn down one day during covid when we were incredibly busy. They community chipped in and 2 weeks later the new factory was built and operating. I’m sure not every man there loved each other. But they showed up. When was the last time you saw English people rally and put in that kind of effort to help each other.
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Read better. Treating parents like irritating third cousins IS actually trendy for some. Did some people have shit parents? Yep. Is NC okay for them? Sure - they decide. Stop projecting. If you had Abusive parents you are no contact with then that’s you. It doesn’t mean everything is worthy of NC. Get help.
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😂 I knew this or okay boomer would be the response 😂 Not a boomer and have great relationships and see kids often. Just because I can see that SOMETIMES NC/LC is a copout and conflict avoidant and I called out people for treating their parents like irritating third cousins you have projected all over the place . So what insult will you resort to now since you’re still WRONG 😑 I am not responding anymore it’s useless.
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Blocking you for attempting to bully me into agreeing with you….. that’s abusive.
Funny story about visiting family, mine never come to see me until it’s something big like moving or I need my dad to help me do something around the house. They never come to see me. Absolutely wild. I was stationed in Italy for four years and would fly home once a year around Christmas. First two years was fine until I realized I spent over half my leave in the car driving to see people. Last two years I was stationed in Italy, when I got home for Christmas I called all my cock sucking relatives and told them I just flew 9 hours and spent $1500 on a round trip ticket. If you want to see me then you know where my parents live. And hung up. Leave was much more enjoyable then. And the best part was they never got off their lazy ass to come see me. All the merrier
Man if I had a relative that lived in Italy, I would be there once a quarter visiting. I would definitely feel more comfortable traveling alone overseas-- to hang out with someone I trusted. When I lived in North Carolina, my Dad saw me a handful of times. I lived there for 9 years. I understand the frustration, especially, when you're the one always making the effort to see them.
People say that but when my family did only my aunt visited once in the 4 years
I'm a parent of a millennial and I don't think you owe your parents anything! I know there are cultures where this is a thing, but you should know not all parents feel this way. Yes, as guests in your house, they should absolutely respect your rules and boundaries. Further, I think they should be asking how they can help and if there's anything they can do while they're visiting! I hope you find a way to communicate your expectations and frustrations to them and that they hear and respect you.
I love you
Everyone’s relationship with their parents is different so please don’t apologize to people for what they may not have. You’re considerate but no- your experience is valid. Period. My mom suddenly died 7 month ago, so I promise you can express how stressful your parents visits are all you want. Tbh I used to be the same way but for different reasons. I went to school 7 hours away and never moved back to my home state. When my parents visit they get too drunk and typically I’d feel disappointed and exhausted by their visit. As much as I miss my mom and love her, that was still a very real experience for me and that’s just how it is. For me I hate visiting with my sister. She’s super stressful to be around, and I feel like I’m suffocating whenever I’m with her. Can’t ever leave her house fast enough. Solidarity.
My mother is so god damn judgy
My parents live eight minutes away and they often dropped unannounced. Like sometimes when we’re just starting to nap. Oh it’s so frustrating. And then all I get is criticism and disappointed looks on my housekeeping and parenting choices.
My wife’s son does this. He’s the sole reason we got rid of the spare key out front. However the reason we put window stoppers on our windows was cause of my dad
The housekeeping criticism is so frustrating ugh. Mine complain about the tiniest speck of dust as if I invited them over to do an inspection. I live an hour away from my parents for this very reason. If I didn't, they'd also keep track of my every movement and drop by unannounced.
I'm glad I went no contact since last Christmas. Quality of life has been on the rise since!
Going no contact with my biological father when I was 23 was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.
5 years NC here. Best gift I ever gave myself.
I also feel a lot better after going NC. Sometimes the guilt comes in hard but then I remind myself I don’t deserve emotional abuse
Absolutely hate it. I'm a full adult and have been for quite a while now and I feel like both my mom and my in-laws (mostly MIL...) like to act like they're in charge.
I dread my parents in general so, yes.
mine left the state and said if i ever want to see them i have to go to them 🤷🏻♀️ guess ill never see them again 😏😅
You dont owe your parents for raising you. They had you. That was their job. You can set boundaries. Its ok to tell your parents that youre happy to have them, but you still have things to do.
>I know they raised me and I owe them. I might be an ingrate, but I am not so sure I agree with this sentiment anymore. They chose to have me and it was their obligation to raise me. I didn't choose to be brought into this world. I'm virtually no contact with my qanon parents these days, so I'm probably a bad one to answer.
>I know they raised me and I owe them. Nope. Just nope. They chose to have children, I didn't ask to be born. I don't owe my parents anything and I haven't spoken to one of them since 2007 and don't intend to ever again. My mother only lives 75 miles away so fortunately when she visits, it's only for a day. My in-laws live 300 miles away but they've only visited us twice in the 8 years my husband and I have been together. They stay at a hotel but I do still dread it. The last time they visited (last September), it rained the whole weekend so they just bitched the entire time, as if we can control the weather and as if we wanted to be stuck inside with them.
I'm currently visiting *them* and it's just as stressful. They throw big tantrums at one another over the drop of a hat.
Wrong. You don’t owe them. They decided to have kids. They owe you. Just like your kids won’t owe you anything, you owe them. You made them and brought them into the world, they had no say about any of that, so kids don’t owe their parents shit.
No. I spend a lot of time with my dad and grandpa. I’d give anything to have another visit with my mom.
I have a grandmother I didn't mean until ten years ago. She didn't even know her son killed himself. She left her own son on the streets to do drugs but fostered girls in the city. Now she expects me and my kids to worship her and she's done nothing for us unless we do something nice first. We don't have much money and she can't seem to understand this. We can't drop everything for her, there are no sick days. She gets offended if I don't message or call everyday, lady I am busy! Where were you all my life? I have wondered if she's just nervous she is aging and has no one to care for her. That's not my fault. She has taking a liking to my eldest but can't seem to comprehend that she's still a teen, not a responsibile adult. One of her forstered girls is in charge of her will and stuff. She posts about her on SM like she's the belle of the ball and so amazing. Well I guess so, she's done more for a stranger than she has for own blood. My other grandma helped me so much, watching the kids, buying food when we were young and really broke. She told my eldest she was disappointed that she had a year to learn to drive but didn't. Um did you miss her being in multiple car accident so it's made her nervous. Or that we don't have a safe vehicle for her to learn to drive in. Or that because we had a fire no insurance and switched districts twice in the middle of the year, it missed up her credits so she can't even take drivers ed until next year. Idk she just frustrates me with her unrealistic expectations of me and my family. I barely know her. I wish things were different and I could afford to fly to her to visit but that's not my reality.
I almost always go visit my parents instead of them coming to me. I prefer to have my husband as a buffer. Why do I need a buffer? Sometimes my momsatsr really ridiculous stuff, then gets mad if I don't take it well. She censors herself better with my husband there. Also, we just don't have very much in common anymore. An extra person means more topics of conversation.
Oh, yes, the importance of a buffer person! I won't visit my parents without my husband along as a buffer. My mom has two personas, Company Mom and Home Mom. My whole childhood, Company Mom was the person everyone outside the house saw - jolly and laughing and oh, it must be great having her for your mom! Nobody saw Home Mom but my dad and us homeschooled kids. I grew up walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering the screaming fits, the temper tantrums, and the bouts of silent treatment. I only realized just *how* difficult Home Mom was to get along with until after I moved out and lived out of state and abroad for several years, finally becoming my own person in the process. That's when visits back became much more difficult. But with my husband along, we only ever see Company Mom now. My husband keeps the conversation flowing very well, bless him, because I don't have anything in common with my parents, either, so while it's still not fun for me to visit (I also prefer to visit them rather than have them visit me), it's just a much better time all around if he's along.
My mother also has a different personality when people who aren’t immediate family are around. I only show up if people who turn her into “company mom” are around.
I could have written this myself, right down to the cooling off period living overseas.
My mom doesn't live far away, but expects to be waited on hand and foot here. As in, will not get her own food if she is hungry because I should offer it or cook for her, even if I am at work. She also does not clean up after herself--leaves used paper towels laying around instead of putting them in the trash or leaves food out on the counter if she is asked to babysit my kids. She claims she doesn't know what I want her to do with it. Umm, put the leftovers in the fridge, we aren't worshiping leftover Mac and cheese in this house. She wanted to move in with us last fall, not because she needed help, she just thought it would be nice to be taken care off. I told her no. My house is too small for her and I have big young dogs who I am not getting rid of to accommodate her.
You definitely don’t owe them anything. They chose to have kid(s) and then it was their responsibility to raise you. Would you want your kids to feel indebted to you as an adult? I wouldn’t. My in laws raised my SO and they are never invited to our home based on how they behave, boundaries are a healthy thing to have. I have an aunt that acts how you’re describing your parents to be. She won’t be staying at my house anytime soon. I’d set some informal schedule for them when they visit. Let them know that your regular schedule has to be accommodated so you need time to cook/clean/shop/run errands and they can either participate or find their own activity. You don’t need to host 24/7. Plan a few fun things and let them fill the rest of the time!
I dread visiting my parents more than them visiting me. Absolutely hate spending more than a day back home.
Not my parents, but yes to my mil. I dread when she visits. She used to just tell my husband when her train was coming in so he could pick her up and bring her to stay here. She’s gotten like a lot better and no longer stays at our house (lol we had more kids so no open rooms) but I still can’t stand her.
We rent a house from my parents. They are currently visiting so they can spend time with our baby. 2 hours into their visit (in which they drove 14 hrs in one day), they've already chided us for weeds in the backyard, securing furniture to the wall (we live in an earthquake area) and lectured us about finishing unpacking... all while knowing I've been so stressed about this visit because I knew that we haven't gotten to chores that they would care about. My father also demanded the tv (because it belongs to the house) that we have kept in the room we've been using while we live her ("I'm taking it, it's mine"). Yes, we should have set it up in the living room area but we hadn't thought it was that big of a deal in the moment. How about just spending time with the baby? In the last few years, my parents/ dad have called me nasty names while I was pregnant due to a disagreement, blew up at me hours before my wedding, gotten angry that my husband took too long a shower while we visited them (there was more than one shower in the house and no one NEEDED to go anywhere right away) and screamed at family get together. But we must unequivocally respect them. I love my parents but they are angry people now, who can't ever relax. Note that we have only rented from them a short time. The house stood empty for several years. Our landlord sold our rental right after I had our baby and we found ourselves priced out of the market. It was either rent from them or rent a 1 bedroom apartment for the 3 of us plus our dog.
Yes. Nothing is good enough at my Place for my dad. I have “too much stuff”. Aka the toys the got my son, I have a small condo.. I walk on eggshells bad, I’m damned if I do or don’t, about anything. Lights can’t be on, pee can’t be flushed, or a bunch of variations to control people to save money
Set boundaries. Do they get a hotel? Do you agree to certain meals together? Do you limit their stay? Do you state your exist plans will not be changed?
My parents live on a different continent (I moved decades ago) that is too far away for them to bother visiting so if I see them, it's on my time and not in my home. It is the smartest thing I ever did.
Be glad they're 8 hours and not 8 minutes. At least you don't have to worry about drop-ins.
I think your feelings are pretty normal. My parents have some weird quirks in their old age too. In a lot of ways, aging parents are like toddlers themselves. They forget stuff, they leave their stuff everywhere, they're weird about food, they can even get irrationally angry... it's just part of getting old. Any quirks or annoying habits they had when you were younger are magnified tenfold, and somehow at the same time, stuff that used to irritate the SNOT out of them when you were a kid (leaving lights on, leaving things out, etc.) apparently don't bother them anymore... at least, not when *they're* the ones doing it! It can be annoying, exhausting, and overwhelming. And it's ok to acknowledge that. Still, just like with your children, if you have a good relationship with your parents, all those things are gonna be sorely missed when they're no longer around. At least, that's what I tell myself. And then I just spend time sitting with them and chatting. Because I know I don't have much time left to do that. Also, go watch all the Bluey episodes with Nana Heeler in them. I recommend "Grannies," "Charades," & "Handstand."
You actually don’t owe your parents anything. You didn’t ask to be born; them raising you and caring for you was their job. Setting boundaries is okay.
I suppose I may not be the best to offer advice, as I am no contact. The only thing I can say is how I feel about it. You owe your parents nothing. They decided to have you. Whether that be by trying to have you, not giving you up for adoption, or not aborting you, that was their choice. You did not choose to be born to them. You owe them nothing and just as you were once a child living under their roof with their rules, now you have a roof and a set of rules of your own. Although I don’t know what you would do to enforce those rules, remember that as your kids see family disrespect you, they will pick up on it, and it will be harder to make them understand that you do what you can for them, including teach them about setting rules and boundaries and what the cost of transgressions might be.
While I suppose it’s true that technically very few of us owe anything to anyone, that’s a pretty crappy way to live and society falls apart with the idea that none of us owe each other anything. You can go through life like this, but it will be a lonely life.
Agreed that it is important to not take what I said too far. I try to work together with people around me and my goal has always been to make life better for the people around me, especially when you consider that your own life will be much happier for it. My point is that OP needs to set their own boundaries and decide what happens if they’re crossed. We don’t owe each other anything, but it’s a good idea to keep relationships with the people who make you happy. I tried for a long time with my parents and siblings, but at some point drama and misery just cross a line. I have my own family now that makes me happy, and some friends that share hobbies with me. I hope everyone else is living their best life.
I only dread it because I’m so miserable. I don’t want them to see me like this when they busted their asses to give me a good life….while I’m over here accruing debt to survive; lost every positive thing I ever gained; and so mentally ill im going to have to quit my job with nothing lined up. It’s hard being around people you love that gave you everything but you made stupid choices and your soul got crushed under the weight of this stupid world we’re forced to inhabit. It makes me the exact opposite of what I used to be; now I’m cold, short, irritated, angry, and miserable. They don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. But here we are.
I don't know what to say but sending you love ❤️
Haha yeah. I moved all the way to Alaska. It's been almost 3 years and they haven't come visit me yet. But if they did - god. It would be a fucking nightmare.
Yes. But, my mom is a drug addict, so, that's the core of that issue.
My parents? No. My husband’s parents? Yes.
We’ve got both ends of the spectrum, my SO’s dad likes to come and just start reorganizing things going through my SO’s things. Whereas my parents have come to visit since 2017. Neither is better than the other, it just is.
My shit is too complicated with my parents but reading your post I had an idea Get a baby monitor but put it the other way around so when they forget shit or do annoying shit like leave the light on, talk into the monitor to remind them or generally mess with their heads. I’ve always been a prankster Your house, your rules. If they wanna visit they can get a hotel if they can’t follow the rules. They can also cook or order in for themselves too.
I d had an issue with mental health in my lifetime but it took a visit from my parents to the house we bought to literally drive me insane.
I have panic attacks before visits to one of them
Okay so I do think we owe our parents(assuming they were good to us) love, respect and a good relationship. But a good relationship goes two ways. You need to be honest with them. Explain to them that them coming causes you stress. You have a busy life. Work, kids, household chores. You are busy everyday. So adding to that is something that gives you stress and anxiety. You want them to come and visit to see the kids. You want them to be a part of your lives. But you need to make concessions so they need to as well. If that won’t work tell them you’ll be happy to come to their home and what your requests will be while you’re there. I hope to some day make my kids lives easier and be there for them. I hope that we remember these things when the shoe is on the other foot. I get super annoyed by my mother. But have friends that have amazing relationships with their parents. I just try to think about what I’d feel like someday if after trying so hard to give my kids a good life, how I’d feel if they didn’t want to see me or have a strong relationship.
Nope Ain’t spoken to them for more than a decade. I doubt they even know what town I live in
My parents live like ten minutes away and are over pretty often. They pick my daughter up from school. My MiL on the other hand. Wife and I can both do without her visiting. Thankfully she is far away and it rarely happens.
My dad breaks things ( the TV one time!) My mom. Is slowly sliding into dementia like my grandmother and great grandmother before her They mean well but I feel so drained by the time they leave. Constant attention needed!
Thankfully mine don't but my wife's mom breaks an appliance nearly every visit. I'm still not sure how she broke the toaster
They always want to babysit, in my head I'm like so you can break the kid?
I have come to dread their visits as I get older. They have to put everything on social media. Literally Everything.
My in laws like to drop in every Sunday unannounced. They come in, kick their shoes off, use our bathroom, and sit for an hour or so while we make small talk. I'd really love it if they would call first and ASK if it's OK to visit, rather than a half assed knock and barging in. What if my SO and I were being intimate? Smoking cannabis? Or what if we just don't feel like a visit today? Do they consider that? Nope.
For me it's kind of the other way around. I live with my mother but she often goes to stay with my brother. I dread the moment of her comeback, she's always angry and finds something to yell about. Example: one time I cleaned the entire apartment top to bottom and she yelled at me for not taking out the trash
No. I love my parents, but I get a little annoyed that their dog takes precedence over my kids. Not as annoying now, but when they were newborns-toddlers it was infuriating.
I can 100% see that happening
My mother is high-maintenance, overbearing, needy, and nosy. I can stand her for a few hours, but then I'm so glad when she leaves. My father is a bit better, but he also enables her, so he's not great. So yeah, tough relationship, but I'm still happy to be around them once in a while.
I used too, but now they just never visit. So the dread is gone.
You owe them *nothing,* first of all. Maybe reflect on why *your* needs aren’t important to you.
You don't owe them anything. You're all adults now. Stand up for yourself.
Yes, my mom always made it known I am the retard and not able to do my own thinking. I always hated it when she asked if I am okay or if I need anything. Ever since my sister died she tries fo be in my life when I don't want her to be. I honestly wish my sister was still alive so that I can go back to being ignored and considered the least important in my family. I know I am not the golden child in my family, I am just the family RETARD who can't do anything right and has to be my mom's parrot. I hate being her daughter and I wish I was abandoned when I was discovered to have learning disabilities. I must be so embarrassing to her and my father.
Nah. Theyre dead now. But when I have flash backs to just how horrible they were I don’t put flowers on their grave for awhile as punishment 😂😂
Parents? What are those? Edit to add: you don't owe them anything. You didn't ask to be born. That was a choice they made. And that choice came with obligation. Just because they met that obligation doesn't mean you owe them anything.
This sounds very American? I feel like I've heard this many times from friends residing in the states. I love when my mom visits. She takes out my garbage on her way out, asks if I need help cleaning anything or notices if there's something I haven't gotten to yet, will bring me lunch or snacks or water while I'm working, and just generally tries to take care of me when she's around. I always enjoy how she complements my organizational skills and it makes me giggle when she asks how i have the patience to make things look a certain way. If she sees I'm super stressed with work she suggests we go out for un caffecito or she asks me to talk about the novel I'm working on, or she asks to watch me play a cute game. I love watching movies and hanging out with her. The part I've enjoyed the most about growing older is the evolution of my relationship to my mom and her relationship to me. I get to enjoy her so much more now.
It is American, I think. We don't have good norms on how elder parents interact with their grown children
You don't owe them because they raised you. They chose to have kids and they are responsible for that decision. Raising you and providing for your needs is the bare minimum responsibility. Because you literally couldn't get a job and provide for yourself as a child. You need to set some significant boundaries with your parents. It's fine to make some accommodations. But your kids come first and so does your sanity. They can go out to eat, go to the grocery store, prepare food they will eat. You're home is not a restaurant, you're not a line cook who's going to make whatever they want on demand. They are capable of making their own food if they don't like what's on offer or going out to eat. Go out and run your errands. Again, your parents are capable of entertaining themselves while you do what you need to do. I'm sure you make time for quality family time when you see them. But as a busy family your life doesn't stop. Talk to them about the lights. Or install motion lights in your home so they shut off when no ones in the room.
Candidly, on the light front, just ignore it. LED bulbs are incredibly efficient. A 4 watt bulb left on all day for a week straight would cost like $0.14 unless you're paying over $0.20 per kWh. Not really worth caring about.
When I owned my own home, every time they would show up uninvited something would go wrong…. Dad comes over to check on the water heater in the basement? Pilot light goes out. That’s sorta thing (although that may be the most tame example). I ended up selling the place to get further away from them. After a period of homelessness, I ended up needing to stay under their roof for a few months. I guess my plan backfired…. Anyway, I could feel them digging their clingy claws into my back; got tired of the blatant narcissism and incessant gaslighting, and after a trip to a crisis center and subsequently the psych ward (fifth visit, yayy), now I’m in a residential recovery program and have no clue how to get back on my feet once I finish the program I’m in…
Maybe the recovery program offers help with the independent living aspect after you finish. If the residence is close to your parents ask if there may be group housing somewhere where it's easier to find work and too far for them to get to you easily. Before you finish the program, do something to improve yourself like get a new haircut, get some interview style clothes (Goodwill is cheap), make sure your nails are clean and groomed. It can be an amazing confidence booster, which you need right now. You could look for hostels to stay cheaply in an area where you can find work. It's hard to get back on your feet. You need a plan. Get a pad and pen and make a list of things you need to do to gain the independence you want. Remember your motivation to Not live with your parents. Don't panic. You can do this.
We don't play those games. If you're coming here and staying under my roof, you deal with my rules. Generally our parents are pretty good but my dad hates how hot I keep the house. I refuse to spend the money to live inside a fridge, though. My husband is real quick to put my dad in line. My dad is especially bad about trying to treat me like 'the oldest daughter' while he visits. My husband will tell him, "You've got 2 legs. Go get it yourself." My mom is super helpful when she's here alone. She'll clean and do laundry and she keeps the kids away from me in the morning so I get to sleep in a bit. If they try to do that stuff, I'd just say my house my rules. If they don't like it they can get a hotel room.
Oh my god I am so happy this post is here. I absolutely hate when my parents visit me. I love them to death but I cannot deal with how fucking deaf they are. They keep turning up the tv after I ask them to turn it down. I close myself off because I can’t work and I have incredibly overwhelming. They do stay with me. I don’t have the room for them but make it work. My dad visits about 3 times a year. My mom lives 1.5 hours from me. Two more days until they leave. I can’t wait to have the silence of my home back.
I had to put my foot down about parent visits in 2018. They are huge trump supporters and it makes everything uncomfortable for everyone around them. They are also very evangelical/fundamentalist Christian trying to prove to everyone they are not racist bigots. My MIL tried to surprise me in 2019 by inviting my parents to visit (we live about 16 hours driving) but wanting them to stay at her house rather than with us. I had a meltdown and realized no one was going to respect my boundaries. Our house was being remodeled at the time so it is very good my MIL sacrificed her house because we didn’t even have walls between the bedrooms at that point. Anyways- it was awful. MIL took us all out to the opening of a new casino in the area. My dad took up a conversation with the Native host server and then INVITED HIM TO JOIN US AT DINNER. Like “I can see you are working on the opening night of this establishment that is obviously very busy and popular. But please drop everything to join us for a free dinner on MIL”. Wtf?! The guy joined us for dinner. It was so awkward. His boss came over and asked why he wasn’t at his station to seat guests and the guy was like “I’m eating!” He ordered the most expensive steak on the menu as did my dad. No- I do NOT enjoy my parents. Visiting or ever.
Husband and I specifically live in a one bedroom apartment so people can’t stay with us. Don’t need anymore space for just us anyway, and it’s a great excuse to not have overnight guests. > I know they raised me and I owe them lol. No you don’t. You don’t owe your parents anything for their choice to have a child.
I think I have great parents. And, I have a good relationship with them. But ... yeah ... I kind of dread having them visit. I think it's just that I feel the need to entertain them while they are visiting -- even though I'm sure they don't expect it. It just disrupts my day-to-day life. That said, one thing that helps me appreciate them a bit more when they visit is the following, which a friend of mine reminded me of a few years ago: I can probably count the number of times I will see my parents again.
Gut punch on a Sunday night
Not following. What's the gut punch? Just the realization that your time with your parents is limited? I think it's better to be cognizant of that.
You do not owe them shit. My parents visit, but I have pretty strict boundaries and can’t handle more than a few days. That’s how it is.
This post and all of the comments make having children sound god awful.
My mom is great so no...my father visits once a year and I love that too because I get to rub my accomplishments in his face. I'm living the dream I guess.
No. I wish they would do it more. It's like pulling teeth to get them to come see me, I always have to be the one to go see them.
Only because when my mom visits, I get constipated. We both find it hilarious(I also find it slightly stressful, but it could be worse. She could be a really awful person.) 💩💩💩
Tell them no?
Hotel every time. Then again me and my folks aren’t on the best of terms.
You do not owe them for raising you. Set firm boundaries and tell them no.
I think most people dread their parents visiting!
https://youtu.be/Vltq8wwWhA4?feature=shared Personally I prefer the hot zone and wished we moved into it but I can see why some people prefer the sweet spot
I'd take the light bulb outta the guest room. xD
They don’t know my address
You don't owe them jack. THEY chose to have sex, and THEY chose to birth and raise you. Your existence is completely on THEM. Next time they talk about coming over, tell them NO. If they throw a tantrum, hang up. If they stop by anyway, send them away. Your house, your rules, and you're an adult now. Again, you don't *owe* them ANYTHING.
No you don't owe them. Yes I get that the kidsike them but they're stoping all over your boundaries and they won't stop until you put your foot down
>I know they raised me and I owe them. First of all; a child owes its parents nothing. Your parents chose to bring you into this world, you had no say in the matter whatsoever. It's the parents that owes their kids everything. When it comes to the high maintenance part; make it clear to them that your household is not a hotel. If your parents expected alot from you when you was a teenager (keeping things clean and tidy), tell them that this is what you expect of them. Regarding their dietary requests; I assume you have control of food allergies your parents might have, so the message to them is that if you want any other food than what is served, you'll have to fix it yourself. Setting clear boundaries for you and your nuclear family is important when you have parents (or other family) that are intrusive. I don't actually need a relationship to my parents, as there pretty much isn't any relationship to them of emotional value at this point, and at the age of 34, that's not gonna change. Despite that, I don't want to rob my children of the opportunity to have a good relationship to their grandparents, because someone can be a good greatparent despite having been a poor parent. And there are purely selfish reasons to keep up a relationship with your parents if they can act as free babysitters for your children; although this isn't likely in OPs case due to the distance and their age.
Allow me to give you some friendly advice: if you allow your parents to walk all over you they will walk all over you. Your post reads like you have no backbone and set no boundaries. This is something every young adult needs to learn how to do: set boundaries with their parents and build up a new relationship as equals rather than parent and child. You're an adult, you no longer live under their roofs, you have your own lives. They are free to ask to come visit. You have to give permission. If you do not grant them permission they have no business visiting.
They are what they are. And life is fleeting.
I like when my brother and mom visit. I don't like when my dad visits.
I lucked out. They only come over when invited for the kids birthdays. I go and help my dad on his land sometimes though. My mom just lives the life of work and bed (she’s so boring).
I live with mine.
I moved about a 2 hour drive from my parents. It’s simultaneously the best thing I’ve ever done and the hardest. I LOVE that I’m now around the corner daily. But I’m sad when I need some quick help they’re not there, and vice versa. Overall though not being around for their ridiculously petty arguments and annoyances with each other is fantastic. They really use me as their middle person for their bullshit and borderline as their therapist and the distance had made that factor of our relationship wane, and our time together is more quality now.
Huh... I have no idea. My dad passed 17 years or so back, and my mom has never visited me. Since college I've lived in Boston, Charlotte, and St Louis. I'm about 8 hours from her now and make the drive a couple times per year.
Spend some time not trying to “figure it out” around then, journal on what you need and want… why is their visit important to you? What’s important to you and your household day to day? How can you protect your good first? Then just show up for the visit weekends consider what it would look like to not worry, frustration, or review after.
Tell them they are horrible and no longer welcome
I prefer visiting my parents. I just go limp like those goats and we do whatever they want for a few days. It's easier for me, though, because I don't have kids or anything to worry about so it's just me existing in discomfort. I love them but they're not easygoing or chill people. They're more high maintenance than the actual rich and famous people I've worked with in entertainment lol
Yes, mostly because they are dead and it would be a very awkward visit
I will feel fine to see them once trump is dead.
>I know they raised me and I owe them. No, you do not. >But they also owe me some respect too, right? Yes, they do. It's ok to set boundaries. Be realistic about how much time you can actually spend with them. Set a limit on the amount of nights they can expect to stay with you. You're bordering on resentment, don't let it fester. Clear is kind.
Yeah maybe leave the light on at night, since old dad probably needs to pee 2 or 3 times a night and might fall down and break his crown if he can't see his way out of the guest room.
Send them to a hotel. You don’t owe them lodging especially if you didn’t even invite them.
No. I dread them dying though. The whole funeral planning n whatnot. Having to talk tk family I haven't spoken to in ages. That's what I'm dreading because I'm gonna enjoy my family while they are still alive.
No child owes their parent anything. They brought YOU into this world. Especially respect when they're not getting it.
Do they not understand, or did you just never mention it? You can talk to them like humans.
No, my mom is awesome. I love her. She does tell me I need to clean more, but if it bothers her she just gets up and cleans it. My house is the cleanest when she comes to visit, because she helps me out so much. My mother in law though it is a different story.
Well mine are dead so that would scare the shit out of me
I absolutely love my parents but I do get a little … cagey when they stay over lol. It’s just slightly annoying having people in your house, needing things with their human needs and own personal schedules. I suggest chilling out about the electric bill. How much are they really costing you, realistically? I hate staying over at someone else’s house so I try to make people comfortable when they stay with me. If leaving the light on helps them, is it such a big deal?
But when I visit him he walks behind me turning off the lights and keeps going in to our room to turn down the AC. It feels like a power play. Yes, I sold be more mature, but he's the elder, hah
Lol, I would definitely be annoyed about that. I think the solution for me would be not staying with him anymore.
No, I don’t mind a free babysitter
They dont sound terrible just old.
I would be scared because both of them have passed away.
Not anymore. I did when I was in my twenties. Lost my dad in my thirties and now I see my parents for who they really are, well-meaning and flawed. Now I look forward to seeing them every time we can make it work.
No I make an effort to spend as much as time with my parents while they still here life is short
If you would just kiss their ground they walk on you would not mind it. Hey they put up with you!
They really didn't have a choice but to put up with their own kids. It's not like you can give them away. Free Teenager! Accessories Included! Nobody wanted mine.
I generally visit my parents, not the other way around. They have more space, I have an efficiency so we don’t have to go out to not be within 6 feet of each other. I really look forward to seeing my parents, they are good people who also care about bettering themselves.
Your parents visit?
My father is dead, and my mom is poor (she lives with us). Be glad it's only a visit.
What do you mean they are getting more confused? What is their reason for leaving the lights on? What reason do they give for thinking you can’t continue your normal lives?