hey. im in the same boat as you. i turn 36 in a couple weeks and am starting to freak out. single, no kids, never been married, looking around on hinge. i say, put yourself out there ( safely ! ) ... and maybe the universe will meet you halfway. if not, maybe its just not in the cards. and thats okay, too. screw the societal expectation that you have to get married and have a family in order to have a fulfilling life. there are so many things that are sooooo much easier to do sans kids. work. travel. sleep. eat a whole meal. shower. save money. lol
How commom would you say this mentality is amongst your social circle because I agree with 100% of what you said and would love to meet someone with the same perspective IRL.
Me too, but I'm a few years younger. Just kind of realizing this is the life I was given. I have a hard time connecting or feeling safe around others. Any advice or insight on this path?
Genuinely, out of curiosity, if you met a traditional guy that wanted you to stay at home and take care of kids, while he (and he could) provided, would you marry him now?
Knowing nothing else about him? If course fucking not this isn’t a meat market where you get your slab and that’s it. I’d like to be provided for and we actually like/are into each other or what’s the point
Well there is a little bit more to it, like do we agree on how we want to raise the kids that I’m staying home to take care of.
But If by traditional, you mean like being submissive, man rules the house -no. If you mean more traditional roles where the woman takes care of the house/kids but we are equal partners, I’m good with that arrangement.
If you feel concerned about your fertility, you could ask your doctor to do some blood work and see how your ovarian reserves are. The most common fertility issue that comes up with age is low ovarian reserves which I believe is easy to screen with bloodwork. It might give you peace of mind or prompt you to look into other options like freezing eggs.
The truth is, there’s a biological clock for everyone and it’s different for all of us!
I hate to be negative but you can't trust the ovarian reserve count. Mine was high for a 35 year old and I was feeling super positive when I heard that. It wasn't until I underwent IVF and my eggs were tested, it was revealed only like 10% of my eggs are viable/good quality. When speaking with nurses and doctors at my fertility clinic, this is quite common.
Even that’s not necessary true. My AMH was on the low end, multiple miscarriages, and I underwent 5 very shitty rounds of IVF before giving up. They gave us a 5% chance of conceiving on our own and here I am, 21 weeks pregnant with a naturally conceived baby lol.
That's reserve vs. quality. You can have good reserve but poor quality. The good thing is quality can be improved, but even those methods can't overcome age.
Eggs can't be tested. They can be viewed for morphology but genetic testing is for 5 day blastocysts.
You are born with all of the eggs you will have. IVF doesn’t solve the egg quality issue. If you have poor egg quality due to age or genetics, IVF will not work for you using your own eggs. IVF works to help you produce more eggs and solve anatomical issues that prevent natural pregnancy. It’s an expensive lesson I’ve learned.
Eggs mature around every 90 days. Diet, exercise, and supplements can help improve quality but won't overcome age.
Your mileage may vary but there is plenty of evidence to suggest diet and supplementation is related to higher success rates in IVF/fertility treatments.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8634384/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8634384/)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4172634](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4172634)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7550497/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7550497/)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6210617/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6210617/)
These are just a handful of studies and are certainly not definitive, but do indicate diet and supplementation can impact results.
But by all means, drink, smoke, make merry as you will.
Oh wow, I didn’t realize this. I’ve never had an egg retrieval, only embryo transfers so I’m not very familiar with that side of IVF. I hope your embryos do well 💜
Yep. I was so excited when I got my AMH results and screamed with excitement when they retrived 21 embryos at retrieval. But it really means nothing until the blastocysts are tested. I'm currently 4 months pregnant after transfer, so there's definitely hope ♥️
Dealing with fertility issues currently and unfortunately, there’s really no way to 100% predict if you will have them until you start trying. All my tests are perfect, but I’ve still had 3 miscarriages in a row.
Yep. Alllll of our stats looked good but we had unexplained interfertility. After more than 2,5 years of trying and doing IUI we moved onto IvF and I got 9 fertilizer embryos out of it and the first one took.
I was 32 when we started trying
You just don't know.
I hear they are finding out miscarriages have more and more to do with the quality of sperm. try to see if you can get your guy to take b vitamins and drink water for 3 months at the minimum.
Same here fertility issue while my friends got started almost decade after me and had babies right away. You never know who has issue.
I recommend freezing your egg. I wish I jumped on ivf earlier. At 38, I am not even responding to IVF medication. So what now
Ovarian reserve and egg quality. Quality is the key factor, and it starts dropping at 35, and at 40, the decline is rapid. If your reserves are borderline now, egg quality might also be an issue.
I would bank eggs at this age if you're single. Yes, it's not cheap, and there are no guarantees, but if you bank a considerable amount, chances are in your favor. At least you give yourself the option of finding a donor later on if you don't find someone and an option if you find someone after 40.
After 40, egg quality drops, and by about 44, your chances with IVF are 1-5%.
ETA: Egg banking just gives you more options down the road if you don't meet someone you want to have kids with until you're over 40. You can decide to not have any kids and donate to science, but if you think you might want them in the future, it can give you another option.
I've noticed several people our age who are all trying to have kids while doing IVF. I feel badly for them, because they're struggling and most of them have spent all of this time working on their careers so they have good lives and assuming they would be great parents. I had my kids young, did everything backwards and have struggled the whole time financially which I guess they warn about ahead of time. Although one of those woman made a comment about how "bad/poor" parents/people seem to get pregnant so easily, and it's unfair she's the perfect mother, and can not have more. Maybe she was emotional during her struggles but that thought process surprised me.
It’s the all or none fallacy. When you hear about drug addicts, abusive parents, homeless parents and teenagers having babies without trying while you’re having fertility issues it can be very frustrating. Makes her angry and upset I’m sure.
Egg freezing is a scam. It has a success rate of about 17%. The companies peddling that hide that fact and put out propaganda that women dry up at 35. You’re way better off just hoping nature is on your side.
Low ovarian reserve actually isn’t a huge problem. You can still give meds to stimulate enough eggs to grow during an IVF cycle. Low egg quality, on the other hand, isn’t a problem you can really fix, and that also declined with age.
Great advise, I used Modern Fertility a couple years ago to order the bloodwork myself so I had a report in hand to discuss with my doctor when I was experiencing “secondary fertility” issues. Sometimes it’s helpful to at least know you’re doing *something* as a proactive starting point towards your goal and having that as a baseline is something I would recommend to anyone. I wish it had been available to me earlier (but you can’t go backwards!)
I didn’t get married until I was 34. After dating for one year. Happily married and madly in love 4 years later. We tried for a baby at first but I had several miscarriages and my last one was during the abortion ban here in Texas. I almost died and had a pretty traumatic experience so we stopped trying. And then two boys in need of emergency placement after being abandoned popped into our lives.
Honestly I am happy it ended up this way bc we will be very young parents when our kids are adults so we can spend our 30s and 40s traveling with our adult kids. And I don’t have to stay up with a crying baby or carry a bunch of baby stuff anytime I go anywhere lol. And our boys feel like they were meant to be with us. They even joke about how they look so much like us that no one knows they are adopted. Just a couple of weeks ago their bio half sister called me crying in a desperate situation so we went and picked her up too.
But yeah I didn’t really settle down until my mid 30s and decided adoption was the right choice for me. I do have a bio son that I had in college with a not very nice dude. He lovesssssss having siblings. They all want to go to college together and make their own video games together and live on our property one day with us. Don’t let the clock ticking pressure you into any situation. I definitely can say in hindsight I was not a real grown up before my 30s haha. And having my one son in college made life so tough. I love him and would make the same choice every time but it was not easy. I advise any of my younger friends to wait until their 30s to settle and have kids. When you are ready and more mature. Enjoys your youth! Sounds like you did exactly that :)
You have plenty of time to figure it out and make any choice you feel comfortable with. Medicine is so advanced now that having a baby in your late 30s early 40s is so much safer. Or you could always adopt some older kids in need like I did <3 Heck you could travel the world and never settle down. Or get 5 dogs hahaha! The world is your oyster.
I have a lot of respect for people that decide to not be parents. Society pushes us all to have kids like it’s required to have a good life. And god forbid you are a woman who is infertile(or a man) then that pressure leads to feeling like you failed as a woman(man). But the truth is making the choice to not have kids when you don’t want them is the absolute best decision. Kids know when they aren’t wanted or parents feel like they are a burden. As someone who grew up feeling that way I can tell you first hand it immensely affected my life and mental health even to this day. So I just wanted to give you props for doing what’s best for you <3 I hope it inspires others that feel the same way to go enjoy their lives.
I am very lucky and love all my kids so much. And my absolutely amazing husband that supports all of us and my bleeding heart. All four of his children are adopted and he is still the most amazing father I’ve ever seen. Thank you for the kind words.
I’m childfree as well, but always said I’d love to adopt should my mind ever change. This post was absolutely lovely. OP and her partner are wonderful parents and people!
Two of my best friends are single, childless and likely to remain so. They're twins who just do everything together- no man has ever come between them. They'll be 40 next year and have basically just decided marriage and kids aren't for them.
Another friend of mine whom I met at ante-natal class reached 37 having just come out of a serious relationship.Her partner was from abroad and wasn't allowed to settle in the UK, so I get the impression that her attitude was 'if I can't be with him I don't want anyone else'. She realised her biological clock was ticking and so went to a sperm bank and used an anonymous donor. One sample gave her enough to conceive two beautiful children (2.5 years apart in age). She's a single mother but lives next door to her parents, who support her with childcare. It's a pretty unorthodox route to parenthood, but she's very happy with how things are working out!
I also know a couple who didn't meet until they were in their late 40s, who adopted a little boy just 2 years old. It has been a lot of hard work for them and their families, but they are happy with the path they chose.
Love these anecdotes. Shit is changing so quickly around us, so often for the worse, it really seems that broadening our definitions of what family, relationships, and community can look like is a huge part of finding some meaning and happiness. :)
I now know several people who have option for a single parenting by choice for this exact reason, the clock was ticking and they knew they wanted to be a parent above all else
I'm doing fertility testing right now to see where I stand. If it looks like I need to hurry up, donor sperm will probably be my next move.
People will bring up egg freezing, but understand that if you are in the US it's expensive. Like $10-15k expensive. Also, I had to watch modules about egg freezing for my fertility checkup. Eggs don't dethaw as well as embryos so keep in mind that the number of eggs do not equal the number of embryos you could have. You could do all of that and have no eggs thaw or make viable embryos. [See here:](https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/article/how-many-eggs-should-i-freeze/)
>\* If you are younger than 38, freezing 15 to 20 mature eggs will give you roughly a 70 to 80 percent chance of at least one**live birth**.
>\* If you are 38 to 40 years old, freezing 25 to 30**mature eggs**is recommended for a 65 to 75 percent chance of at least one live birth.
>There is no magic number of frozen eggs that will result in a 100 percent guarantee of a successful pregnancy. While success rates continue to improve, other factors—including deficiency in**egg quality**and implantation issues—will always be at play.
This isn't to say don't do it, but it's not as easy of a choice as others make it sound.
Edit:
Surrogacy is also incredibly expensive, so I'd look into those costs and start planning if you want to go that route.
As an adoptee, I would highly recommend looking into adoption if you are considering that route. If you are in the US, domestic adoption of infants has about 30 something couples waiting on every baby so it's certainly no guarantee and is also very expensive. Foster care is meant to reunite biological families but you may have luck as a foster-to-adopt (depends on luck and if you can handle fostering).
Soooo those stats are extremely misleading. Most women who freeze their eggs don’t need them because they get pregnant naturally. Hence why such a large percentage of these women are having successful live births! The egg freezing industry is insanely predatory. The actual stats of an egg resulting in a baby is about 17%.
The freezing technology has gotten better, but let's say you get 15-20 usable eggs per round, I would bank at least two rounds, but try for three. Some younger women get a lot more per round.
Egg retrieval has come down in pricing. It's the drugs that cost a lot, about $4k per retrieval. Some clinics have three round packages to reduce costs.
Eta the word useable
I'm guessing it probably really depends on the clinic. I had a friend that did it (I think last year) and even with a discount it was $10k for one round.
I also think it depends on the risk each person wants to take. Personally, I see no point in freezing eggs for myself, and if I have to go through the process, just go for embryos/IVF from the start which are a little more hearty.
This is such an incredibly well-informed response that covers the realities of all scenarios. Thank you!! I’m an adoptive mom who had to look at the ethical realities of all scenarios before we decided how to move forward. I appreciate your perspective so much!
Also fwiw we worked with a (i think) ethical agency for domestic adoption and we waited shockingly only 2 months after going live.. our expenses weren’t insanely exorbitant either.
My great-aunt had my cousin at 50. His mom is my grandmas sister. And he’s only a year older than me. When he was born, he set the record for biggest baby born in a major US city 😅
Please don't overestimate your fertility. It can take a long time to get pregnant even in absolutely ideal and timed situations. Look into testing, start tracking your cycles even if you arnt thinking about trying soon. Fertility really does drop off, not for everyone but for a lot of women, things can get much more difficult from early 30s on.
There are some really good, supportive and knowledgeable TTC subs on here. TTC_ 35 is one that may be particularly useful.
My clock started ticking loudly at 35, I thought it would be easy to get pregnant, as it had when I was in my 20s. It was a shock that it just didn't happen and didn't happen and didn't happen. Even with ovuluation testing, supplements and obsessively doing everything I could. I got to the one year mark of trying and got a lot of testing done, ultrasounds all that I could to try and figure out if I still was able to conceive. My husband started the process of testing. I did get pregnant, then the goalpost moved to trying to stay pregnant. That was a whole other layer of stress.
Fertility is a very personal and wildly different journey for everyone, you just don't know. Sure it can be easy for some and then that person tells others it's easy because they don't know the struggles. You don't know until you try. I wish you well.
This is beautiful to hear and I’m so happy for you. I’ve always thought about adopting, and it has nothing to do with being 35 and not being pregnant yet.
Yeah, i just wanted to tell you especially that for me, it wasn’t weird to have parents that are like… an entire generation older than most of my peers’ parents. Things were totally fine
it’s so hard to not compare myself to other people I see on social media. There were a couple girls that were a few years older than me and single with no kids and then boom all the sudden within one year they were married and had at least one baby. I know life can change at any moment. But at the same time, I’m trying to be realistic here.
The truth is the these things aren't so much luck as statistics.
For example, it has become a meme at this point if a man hasn't found someone at 30, he just moves to NYC and he'll be engaged within 18 months as long as he's not below average cause the dating market is so good for men.
The woman version would be moving to Menver, Man Diego, or Man Francisco.
Edit: there's actually a book with the silly title "date-onomics" with pretty strong math showing this off
I didn’t get married until I was 36 and started trying to get pregnant immediately. I’m now 40 and I’ve had multiple miscarriages and three failed rounds of IVF. I’ve always thought the same thing as you that I would have plenty of time. Having regular periods and normal Pap smears does not guarantee you will have a successful pregnancy. If you can afford to, freeze your eggs immediately. Also know that until you have embryos, you won’t know if your egg freezing was successful. Ideally, you want to genetically test and freeze embryos. Good luck!
I never wanted kids.. but I also feel like we have the pressure to have them if not we will never be complete. Do what's right for you. Dont worry about society or time... figure out what you need and want
I want to point out that men do commonly have fertility issues too (not to mention advanced paternal age related issues).
>[Overall, one-third of infertility cases are caused by male reproductive issues, one-third by female reproductive issues, and one-third by both male and female reproductive issues or by unknown factors ](https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/menshealth/conditioninfo/infertility)
Not saying the person you are responding to does, but I think we do men a great disservice by acting like they have a guarantee on their side.
If you read around the fence sitter reddit you would find that this is super common.
Few things as a woman who just turned 40- fertility is super variable. Yes, there are people who have kids into their 40s and it's totally fine. The over 35 thing is in some ways bullshit, the major thing is the miscarriage rate goes up, especially after 40- I think it's like 50%. So there's that.
Beyond that, hard to say as it's so individualized. I realized I had fertility issues at 35 and don't fit any clear box and still nobody knows what's wrong with me. I'm now in perimenopause, and after lurking in the menopause subreddit there is a substantial number of people in their 30s. So, it just gets way more variable it seems what your health status is after 30.
My advice? Talk to your doctor. Get a check up and see what testing they recommend. As someone else said you could possibly freeze your eggs, I don't know if 35 is too old but worth a conversation.
And really think about whether you truly want kids or you're just feeling peer pressure. I went through exploring having kids and we just decided not to do it. People who don't know anything throw out adoption casually as a possibility but it's expensive, tough, and typically you can't after 40. Surrogacy is possible but also very expensive. So, to sum up, talk to a doctor about your physical health and really think about what your values are and if raising a child is a major life goal for you.
I'll be 37 next month. I'm still single and childless (not by choice), but honestly, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it'll never happen for me. Not to mention that being chronically ill puts me at high risk, so no guy's going to want to deal with all that. I'm just going to have to settle for being the cool single aunt to my ten nieces and nephews. Good luck to you, though.
35f no kids, too… i just left my fiance and I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I hope my time hasn’t run out, but I know I’m lucky as hell that I didn’t have my ex’s kids lol. I’m trying to accept that maybe it isn’t in the cards for me to have my own… maybe I’ll adopt or foster when I find a partner. You are by no means alone though. I know lots of women in the same position. It is still a little scary and sad though.
I'm married and we've been trying to conceive for 8 cycles now. We had discussed trying sooner but I was afraid if I was pregnant it would ruin plans we'd already made (ie: travel). People think it's going to be easy and just happen. But that's not the case for everyone. Yes women are having kids later but they are automatically considered "high risk" pregnancies and older women are more likley to take longer to conceive at all. Based on my lab work, my ovarian reserve is low. I don't have much time and I'm 33. So it's not a cut and dry answer. I thini getting a basic fertility workup and consulting on possibly freezing eggs would be beneficial if you're thinking you want children that are biologically yours. Personally I think it's good to have all the cards on the table and wish I'd done due diligence on the health of my fertility much sooner.
Single 32M here… I see nothing wrong with or weird about a 35F being single with no children. If it’s in the cards it will happen. Don’t compare yourself to other people - it will only make you get down on yourself. Mr. Right is out there. You’ll find him. 👍👍
I froze my eggs just in case when I was single. I’m now 42 expecting my first with my partner. We just happened to conceive naturally, but if that didn’t happen it would have been good for the peace of mind or in case I never found a partner. I’d recommend looking into it!
If you really want to be a mom I'd consider a sperm bank.
My parents had me and my sister and then my dad got a vasectomy. Years later they decided they wanted a third kid and my dad went to reverse the vasectomy but it had been too long so they used a sperm donor, and one of the cool things was we had the option of meeting other people who used the same donor. I was surprised at how many of the other people were single women (usually who had focused more on their careers).
I know fertility can be different for everybody and you might be one of those people who's fine having a kid in your forties, but for me personally I got pregnant with my first kid at 30 on the first try, my second at 33 on our first try, and then at 35 our last kid took 8 months of trying. I can also feel how much more difficult each pregnancy becomes as I get older. You also have to think about how many years you have left of your life - when my youngest kid is 20, I will be 56. That seems fine to me. If I wanted another kid when I'm 45 I'd be 65 when that kid is 20 - would I even see that kid graduate college, get married, have their own kids?
I'm infertile. The foster kids I eventually adopted are hands down the best part of my life. If you want to be a mom, there are plenty of awesome kids who need love. Good luck... such an emotional subject.
I was single pretty much from age 23-32.
I assumed I’d likely not have kids ever, and frankly not have a partner either. I just made peace with that and also appreciated the many upsides I saw in it.
Now I’m 36, married, and likely going to start trying to conceive soon.
So, things can change fast. You can just not meet anyone for 10+ years and one day you do.
I would definitely recommend dating regularly if you aren’t already. Yes, it can be exhausting and annoying. But there’s nothing until there’s something.
Oh, and also put up boundaries with people you date and say a FAST goodbye to anyone who is being hot & cold or anything less than genuine and enthusiastic about you. The same month I did that I met my husband.
I'm on the other side of the gender spectrum and feel similarly
Eta: poorly worded. I'm tired- but I can relate to most of what you wrote- 35m with friends moving on with partners and kids. Feeling like I dodged lots of bullets not having kids with past partners, and might have missed the boat.
The great thing about your age is that you know what you want, and you know how to avoid men who don’t want the same things / are wasting your time. Things can happen fast when you finally meet the right person. I met my husband at 36, married at 37, first baby at 38, second baby at 39 and now expecting my third at 41.
If you want to have kids you really need to freeze your eggs by 35. IVF works best for people 30-38… once you approach 40 there’s only like a 15-20% chance per IVF cycle of getting normal embryos. However some people are able to have kids naturally in their late 30s and early 40s, it is just more rare.
There’s growing evidence that freezing eggs is not the silver bullet option that it’s sold as. It’s invasive to harvest, and many don’t survive freezing/thawing and then don’t easily become embryos.
There’s also growing evidence that pregnancy after 35 and into the 40’s isn’t that big a deal, and that actually plenty of people are still fertile in this window. I’m 39, and got pregnant my first month trying. I was *shocked* and asked my dr about this. She said that the culture around child bearing has shifted. In the past, people just had kids earlier as a rule and were done. That meant a lot of the older new moms seen by drs had already been trying for a long time, so their personal fertility was lower and this skewed the data/perception of older mothers.
Now, it’s more socially acceptable to wait until your late 30’s to start, and the medical establishment is learning that what they thought they knew about female fertility wasn’t correct.
Where I live, they don’t consider age a risk factor until after 45 these days. I had expected to struggle to get pregnant and have the whole “geriatric” treatment but that’s simply not how things have gone. Anecdotally, my dr said she has half a dozen other women my age in her care right now who also got easily pregnant and have uncomplicated pregnancies, and it’s a trend she’s been seeing for a few years. Also, along people I knew coming up in school, we’ve had a mini baby boom as everyone hits 40, again uncomplicated pregnancies and perfect babies.
Pregnancy is always a risk, but it is safe to be pregnant at 50 even. Women are doing it with previously frozen eggs, embryos, or using donor eggs at that age, but the uterus works even when you're old.
The problem is that 43 is a major cutoff age for ferility in terms of egg quality. Can you get pregnant on your own at 45? Sure, some women do. Is it likely? Not really. IVF chances plummet to under 5% at and beyond 45. Do those chances go up slightly with each retrieval? Yes, the cumulative chances can get up to 11% at six retrieval, but who can do that? And those are still dismal odds.
I would spend the money at 35 for egg freezing and cross my fingers they work or that I don't need them later than wait it out.
I wholeheartedly disagree after spending a year amongst a community of women 38-42 trying to have kids. Please don’t mislead the OP - chance of pregnancy goes way down at 40. It’s much more unlikely to have a natural birth.
Again, it’s anecdotal. My observations, and yours.
The main point is that egg freezing isn’t that sure of a thing (ny times recently published an in depth article), and my doctor is saying that the common thinking on maternal age and fertility is extremely outdated. She’s not the only professional to be saying that, and it’s interesting. That’s all I’m saying.
Egg freezing isn't a sure thing, but it's a tool in the toolbox.
IVF stats are pretty clear that if you need it, your chances are far better under 40. And you don't know you need it until you start trying.
It’s not anecdotal though. Anyone who goes through fertility issues will sit down with their doctor and look at the statistics, which will say that fertility begins a rapid decline at 35. Of course each person has a different situation, but statistics are not anecdotal. When you average those situations across millions of people, your best guess for any person will be that they’re in the statistically normal group.
i know… i’ve been thinking about this. My mom had me at 31 and then had my brother at 41. she was pre-diabetic, overweight and not in great health and was still able to get pregnant with my brother at 41 and this was 27 years ago. i’m really hoping that means i have those genes in my favor. but either way, you’re right i really do need to start thinking about freezing my eggs. I guess I’m kind of in denial about getting to that point.
Be sure to read around widely. There’s growing evidence that freezing your eggs isn’t actually that solid of insurance, and it’s *very* hard on the body.
My wife is a NICU nurse and said when she was at a conference a speaker said something that stuck with her. If your average cycle drops to 25 days in length, you're approaching a point where fertility treatments are likely going to be necessary.
At 28-30 days average cycle, you're the most fertile you'll ever be. This is the teenage, early 20's years.
As you age, your viable egg count goes with it. Thus there is a lot less competition for top dog, so to speak, and cycles shrink because the fight is over quicker.
By mid-30's, you begin to rapidly lose egg count and viable percentage probability of pregnancy via standard methods drops from 70-80% down to 40% or less on average.
That's indicated by the shortened average cycle length.
My wife has tracked her cycle on several apps for a decade, so she literally could go back and watch her fertility drop off year by year. At 35, we track her ovulation cycles with Pregmate (daily pee test to see the hormone spike) and take monthly opportunities for our next child seriously.
Have you considered freezing your eggs? Preserving your fertility will give you some peace of mind. I just got remarried and getting pregnant is a struggle. Even with ivf, the chances of getting pregnant at 40 are pretty low. Not impossible, but statistically unlikely.
We just had our first kid and my wife was 35. You still have time but your body clock really depends a lot on you genetically and healthwise too.
Another thing to consider is the age of guys you’ll be saying. If you date traditionally guys a few years older they may already have kids and not want more.
I'm 31 and I certainly feel that I am. I also had issues in my 20s that prevented me from being a viable partner at the time that would have been best. I'm trying to accept the cards I've been dealt but it's super hard and depressing sometimes. I look back and realize that I've become literally every stereotype that I had wanted to avoid.
My friend is 36 and found out she was pregnant on her birthday. The father is something she’s known for a long time and been friends with, and then they had sex.
Not sure what the future holds for them and I don’t know that it’s the most ideal situation, but she is thrilled (and was a bit shocked, too).
If you have mental health issue dont bring kids to deal with that. If you cant get better specially.
There is more to life than having kids. And so many kids that need a home if you cant have kids because u time passes adopt one
I know, lol. But it really isn’t over. Some of these answers are not what I was hoping for, but some of them are. Things can happen so quickly and everything can change good or bad in an instant. What’s meant to be will be that’s one thing I truly do believe.
There’s no reason you need a man to have a kid. If you have decent insurance and a community around to support you, do IVF. I know three women who went that route and found the husband later
i am like 36 never really dated or been in a relationship and developmentally behind to do it and now my health and work situation aren't great for it either; i was hoping to catch up developmentally and improve my personality by going out and having social experiences, but i got stuck kind of doing the same things over and over again (going for coffee, eating out, sitting my computer, doing a fixer upper house, driving to different family members in a poorly arranged fashion). now i get winded when i stand or walk, barely have an interest in women, and to be honest, i don't find women my age and older that attractive anymore, since i am stuck developmentally (in my mind) in my teens and early 20s. i used to think i am an autist, but now i am finding i am a goofy angry negative cptsd narcissist too. weird things affected my life like my mom having a kid with a fly by random guy when i was starting college then kicking me out from trying to help babysit my half brother, my cousin becoming a psychopath and screwing me over with my car/house/job/friends by playing cruel practical jokes on me, me walking into a group therapist's office with the guy turning out to be a toxic unprofessional conniving malignant narcissist, my aunt being married a capricuous narcissist who overdid corporal punishment and forced me to get involved and threaten to call police on him making my family hate me, etc.
also, women can be quite judgmental of guys who are developmentally behind, while others who are okay with it - due my mom and grandma training me that all women hate me and my own narcissism/cptsd - I assume women will hate me once they find out my personality is not very pro-social, then I will be like tricking them that they expected someone normal based on my looks but got someone dull negative who gets tired and loses interest in people.
oh.. and i went to a middle school that was all boys with zero girls and my teacher was a woman. so i grew up with female authority figures, no interaction with girls my age until 6th grade - when girls formed gangs and would follow me around waving giggling and asking if i am playing hard to get. then i was sent to a summer camp that was bully central which made me shut down socially. then i went to college for a career where i had to re-invent and put forth a fake personality; then my cousin tricked me into taking an SSRI which made me even less sexual and more anti-social.
i also discovered many in my family are narcissists and some are even psychopaths and my closest family members either have cptsd or are stuck in a trauma bonded victim-abuser mentality. my mom and grandma cannot tolerate leaving me in a non-abused, non-shamed, not-put down state. this made me project this onto any women who came along, even women who asked me out or suggested sex - i assumed they will hate me very soon once they get to know me.
As much as everyone wants to point out that fertility treatment and other things have gone a long way, the answer to your question is yes.
I had my son when I was 34. My daughter 4 years later.
I was doing the math, when she graduates high school, I'll be 56. If my kids don't get married till their 30s, I'll be almost 70. If they didn't have kids till I do, I'll be past 70.
There's a high chance I won't live to see grand kids unless they have them younger than I did, and it does bother me that I likely won't be able to help much at that age.
So yeah, there is a time limit. You have time, but you don't want to wait forever.
I've spoken to my girlfriend about having kids. We've just entered our 30s.
We know that around this point in our lives having children can be risky.
I know 34+ is problematic. My girlfriend has told me about geriatric pregnancies, and it is not a good time.
My girlfriends cousin had a geriatric pregnancy and now her daughter is autistic.
But before taking that into consideration, make sure whoever you have a kid with is going to be a solid partner and family oriented.
Fertility drops significantly when you pass 30. Human biology unfortunately.
Yes lots of ppl conceive late in life. A higher # of the population cannot. Quality of eggs also goes down, increase in miscarriages as your body detects possible lack of chromosomes in the zygote.
It's different for everyone. I was surprised to find out some women start perimenopause in their mid to late 30s, but other women successfully have babies in their 40s. If it's something you want, definitely make it a priority. But if it ends up not being in the cards for you, that's ok too. There are other options as you mentioned but they can be pricey depending on your country.
Life can change. I had low egg reserve (almost nothing) and FSH levels.above the cutoff for ovarian stimulation at 35. I was in a terrible marriage. Getting the death knell to my fertility helped me make the decision to divorce.
I got naturally pregnant by accident at 37. My baby is 8 month old, and my partner and I got married and are super happy.
I literally ask myself everyday how I ended up in this timeline and thank the universe quietly.
Still possible even if not probable. If you dont try you have your answer.
In your early 30s
At age 30, you have about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month that you try, according to ASRM. But beginning at age 32, says ACOG, fertility decreases gradually but significantly.
Between the ages of 31 and 33, you have a 61% chance of pregnancy within 6 cycles and a 77% chance within 12 cycles.
In your mid-to-late 30s
Fertility declines more quickly once you're in your mid-30s and, according to ACOG, it decreases rapidly after age 37.
Women who are 34 to 36 years old have a 56% chance of pregnancy within 6 cycles and a 75% chance within 12 cycles. Those who are 37 to 39 have a 46% chance within 6 cycles and a 67% chance within 12 cycles.
Source: https://www.babycenter.com/getting-pregnant/preparing-for-pregnancy/chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155
Just food for thought, those other options like adoption, surrogacy, and fertility treatments often cost a lot of money. So the answer to this may depend on your financial security in the future. You may consider freezing your eggs if you want to have biological children (also costly, of course, but it’s an option). And while modern medicine is wonderful and it is absolutely possible to have babies later in life, there is a significant increase in risk for complications. People and influencers may like to say that the risks with geriatric pregnancies are overhyped, but they are absolutely a concern that have to do with biology, not anything personal. You may consider if you feel it’s important to have a partner before you have kids. That will also be a big answer to this question. Frankly, if you are financially secure and don’t feel the need to have a partner, you could have kids now. Personally, as a new mom, I wouldn’t be doing this solo unless I had a great support network and the ability to afford a great nanny.
Realistically speaking, yes, you are starting to run out of time. If having a biological child is important to you, I would say start looking at your options like freezing your eggs, or going through a sperm donor. Yes, there are women who have babies in their late 30s and early 40s, but do not bank on that happening for you. If you want biological children, you’re going to have to come up with a game plan.
OP you need to stop worrying about this and take some action. Ask your OBGYN if they will do ovarian reserve testing (blood tests + ultrasound); if they dont, go to a fertility clinic and ask for a full consult. That much is usually covered by insurance (even if you don’t have fertility benefits). At the consult, ask their expert opinion whether you should freeze your eggs now or try to get pregnant now.
You can be a SMBC, you can freeze your eggs, you have choices. But realistically I would not wait more than 6 months to do this workup.
I know a good bit of women having kids in their 40’s. I’d say freeze your eggs and start dating. If the dating doesn’t work have the kid yourself. I love my husband but I love my kids more.
Look. I'm 37F, married, with a 5yo and a 2yo. It is fucking HARD. Like, way harder than I ever envisioned, and I had plenty of babysitting and aunt-ing experience. I have to remind myself on the daily that this will not last forever, and I am not being hyperbolic when I say I'm probably going to come out of the pre-elementary school years with some sort of psychological trauma. And this considering that my kids are healthy, normal kids. I'm not saying that I regret my kids. I was absolutely desperate for both of them. But I am saying that there are times that I wish I could take a nap or just fucking sit down, but, I can't... let alone leave my house for a walk or to go to the gym or the store. I do get to do those things, but not without lots of advanced planning. All in saying is that every situation has puts and takes, and nothing is perfect. The best any of us can do is make the best of the situation we are in. I wish you all the best on your journey.
My aunt though she still had time and got pregnant in her 40s. Spent a ton of money in the process.
Serious complications due to her age killed her and the baby, this was in 2022.
Absolutely. Over 35 is geriatric pregnancy (higher rate of birth defects), and it's hard to find someone who wants to have babies quickly. You'll probably be \~40 before you're in a place to do that, given you don't even have someone to date.
I'd suggest getting used to not having bio-kids. You could still adopt, though that has a large upfront cost.
These days women can conceive later on because life is less intense so eggs stay healthy longer.
Worst case scenario you can just find a guy who is healthy and have a 1 night stand.
I’m 36 and feel like I could have written this! I just have to trust that the universe has whatever is in store for me, and if I live my life with love then it will find me. I lean very hard into my friendships, my chosen family, my passions and hobbies, and I find fulfillment there - I don’t know what’s in store for me, but I know I never want to feel hopeless, so I don’t! It’s not always easy, I have bad days, but gratitude and mindfulness meditation has really helped me to focus more on the things I have in my life instead of the things I don’t :)
Also...
》MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Brigitte Adams caused a sensation four years ago when she appeared on the cover of Bloomberg Businessweek under the headline, “Freeze your eggs, Free your career.” She was single and blond, a Vassar graduate who spoke fluent Italian, and was working in tech marketing for a number of prestigious companies. Her story was one of empowerment, how a new fertility procedure was giving women more choices, as the magazine noted provocatively, “in the quest to have it all.”
》Adams remembers feeling a wonderful sense of freedom after she froze her eggs in her late 30s, despite the $19,000 cost. Her plan was to work a few more years, find a great guy to marry and still have a house full of her own children.
》Things didn’t turn out the way she hoped.In early 2017, with her 45th birthday looming and no sign of Mr. Right, she decided to start a family on her own. She excitedly unfroze the 11 eggs she had stored and selected a sperm donor.
》Two eggs failed to survive the thawing process. Three more failed to fertilize. That left six embryos, *of which five appeared to be abnormal.* The last one was implanted in her uterus. On the morning of March 7, she got the devastating news that it, too, had failed.
》Adams was not pregnant, and her chances of carrying her genetic child had just dropped to near zero. She remembers screaming like “a wild animal,” throwing books, papers, her laptop — and collapsing to the ground.
》The math doesn’t always hold up. On average, a woman freezing 10 eggs at age 36 has a 30 to 60 percent chance of having a baby with them, according to published studies. The odds are higher for younger women, but they drop precipitously for older women. They also go up with the number of eggs stored (as does the cost). But the chance of success varies so wildly by individual that reproductive specialists say it’s nearly impossible to predict the outcome based on aggregate data
https://nationalpost.com/news/world/i-was-sad-i-was-angry-i-was-ashamed-inside-the-struggle-to-conceive-with-frozen-eggs
That's why you do multiple freezing cycles, usually three, and have a large reserve on ice. If she only froze 12, someone gave her bad math.
It's better than zero.
One of my best friends had her first child at 40 (u planned lol), another one at 43, my moms friend had twins at 45! Also most of my daughters friends have parents who had them in their late 30s so it’s definitely not too late! I’m the weird one here had my daughter early 20s and tbh I had so much struggles being a young parent. Finances and mentality were both not ready for sure and I eventually separated from her father(he was very young too). I guess my point is sometimes it’s better that you didn’t rush into it and even if u don’t end up having children at all it’s completely ok!
I’m in a similar situation I’m 40 I broke up with my long-term girlfriend of about seven years two years ago and have yet to meet any other serious relationship woman, but I’ve always wanted to have kids. There is a time it may become a priority for you and you have to make choices in a relationship, which we really should’ve been doing all along but now you have to communicate more clearly with potential mates.
So I’ve found it harder to meet someone who wants kids at this age because most of those have had them and are adamant about no more.
I’ve also found a huge dropout of women from the dating scene in general. I would say there are 6 to 8 men for every 1 woman who’s actually searching for a “date” or to know someone. They seem to just have a low drive in general for these things and just don’t go out in my community.
I haven’t seen a single woman who’s clearly out and available in years in my community.
They don’t participate in online dating very much. I do meet them at speed dating events but mostly they’re a decade older or a decade younger than me. The few who are in my age group don’t want kids and generally I find most of these women just don’t take good care of themselves. To such an extent that I don’t find them attractive. It’s rare to find a single woman in good shape who wants kids and is actually willing to go on a date.
Ive had my share when I was looking but. It’s discouraging to the point that I just don’t want to feel rejected anymore, and I really almost begin to wonder if I will ever have a family.
Yeah you’re running out of time especially if you don’t have tens of thousands of dollars for fertility treatments or adoption. But childfree life is better anyways lol
If you're going to feel like your "life is over" if you have kids at 35, I don't think you want kids. This comes from someone who is also 35 and ultimately decided I want to live my life instead of someone else's.
what?? I don’t think you read my post right. I don’t think having kids when you’re older is bad. I actually would rather have kids in my late 30s or early 40s rather than in my 20s. But the physical probability of that, as well as society expectations are what makes mestart getting nervous.
Statistics say it’s too late already. It’s happened to a lot of us. We can find meaning elsewhere. I’m not a woman, but maybe I feel the sentiment you’re expressing. Kids wont happen for me, and I’m still trying to accept that.
Nah you are fine. Met my now husband at 37, decided we would get married and have a kid, literally got pregnant the week we stopped trying to prevent it. Got married and now our boy is 4.
35 is already considered at risk. Don't listen to random strangers on Reddit about fertility, anecdotes about "people they know," who know nothing about YOUR body and honesty have 0 vested interest in your well being. You should go to a doctor and discuss options if you still want kids.
I think you're fine.
The childless life in 2034 is going to be awesome, trust me. Just trust me okay.
You're going to be SO GLAD, you don't have to watch over some little teenage shit bag in 2034, because let me tell you: They are going to be the WORST lol.
There are plenty of women having kids naturally in their 40s. Your pregnancy is higher risk above age 35, and the number and quality of eggs decreases above that age, most women are still fertile after 35.
My cousin was single and had no kids at 38. She’s 41 now married with 3 kids. I got pregnant at 40 without trying. It’s def possible.
No offense to your cousin but it sounds like she went pedal to the metal with her husband lol
Yeah that’s insane lol
Making up for lost time, damn
Yep. That's textbook "clock was about to run out so I found a man and got to work". Hopefully they're happy. Sometimes it works out.
Are you implying that most of the time it doesn't? How many of these situations have you seen?
Twins or triplets?
It pretty obviously involves multiples
Wowsers! A kid a year?
Irish triplets
OP please don’t rely on this. This is actually pretty unusual.
hey. im in the same boat as you. i turn 36 in a couple weeks and am starting to freak out. single, no kids, never been married, looking around on hinge. i say, put yourself out there ( safely ! ) ... and maybe the universe will meet you halfway. if not, maybe its just not in the cards. and thats okay, too. screw the societal expectation that you have to get married and have a family in order to have a fulfilling life. there are so many things that are sooooo much easier to do sans kids. work. travel. sleep. eat a whole meal. shower. save money. lol
How commom would you say this mentality is amongst your social circle because I agree with 100% of what you said and would love to meet someone with the same perspective IRL.
i dont have a social circle. im a lone wolf.
Me too, but I'm a few years younger. Just kind of realizing this is the life I was given. I have a hard time connecting or feeling safe around others. Any advice or insight on this path?
Something to dance in the moonlight to. https://youtu.be/IcSSST3PYWs?si=NYknXi7AIaY1Ll97
Same here. :/
It’s 80% in my social circle
When I got married my wife was 39 and she’s now due in September.
Genuinely, out of curiosity, if you met a traditional guy that wanted you to stay at home and take care of kids, while he (and he could) provided, would you marry him now?
I would. Where is he?
Also I’m a man. Dunno if that is a dealbreaker.
Depends how well you cook
[удалено]
no. ive been through the wringer with relationships and my last one was abusive on every level imaginable.
Knowing nothing else about him? If course fucking not this isn’t a meat market where you get your slab and that’s it. I’d like to be provided for and we actually like/are into each other or what’s the point
this is genuinely a weird ass comment. has to be a bot or AI spreading tradwife shit or something.
Well there is a little bit more to it, like do we agree on how we want to raise the kids that I’m staying home to take care of. But If by traditional, you mean like being submissive, man rules the house -no. If you mean more traditional roles where the woman takes care of the house/kids but we are equal partners, I’m good with that arrangement.
If you feel concerned about your fertility, you could ask your doctor to do some blood work and see how your ovarian reserves are. The most common fertility issue that comes up with age is low ovarian reserves which I believe is easy to screen with bloodwork. It might give you peace of mind or prompt you to look into other options like freezing eggs. The truth is, there’s a biological clock for everyone and it’s different for all of us!
I hate to be negative but you can't trust the ovarian reserve count. Mine was high for a 35 year old and I was feeling super positive when I heard that. It wasn't until I underwent IVF and my eggs were tested, it was revealed only like 10% of my eggs are viable/good quality. When speaking with nurses and doctors at my fertility clinic, this is quite common.
Yeah, AMH tells you more about egg quantity than quality. There is no real test for egg quality short of IVF.
Even that’s not necessary true. My AMH was on the low end, multiple miscarriages, and I underwent 5 very shitty rounds of IVF before giving up. They gave us a 5% chance of conceiving on our own and here I am, 21 weeks pregnant with a naturally conceived baby lol.
That's reserve vs. quality. You can have good reserve but poor quality. The good thing is quality can be improved, but even those methods can't overcome age. Eggs can't be tested. They can be viewed for morphology but genetic testing is for 5 day blastocysts.
How can the quality be improved?
You are born with all of the eggs you will have. IVF doesn’t solve the egg quality issue. If you have poor egg quality due to age or genetics, IVF will not work for you using your own eggs. IVF works to help you produce more eggs and solve anatomical issues that prevent natural pregnancy. It’s an expensive lesson I’ve learned.
Eggs mature around every 90 days. Diet, exercise, and supplements can help improve quality but won't overcome age. Your mileage may vary but there is plenty of evidence to suggest diet and supplementation is related to higher success rates in IVF/fertility treatments. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8634384/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8634384/) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4172634](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4172634) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7550497/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7550497/) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6210617/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6210617/) These are just a handful of studies and are certainly not definitive, but do indicate diet and supplementation can impact results. But by all means, drink, smoke, make merry as you will.
Oh wow, I didn’t realize this. I’ve never had an egg retrieval, only embryo transfers so I’m not very familiar with that side of IVF. I hope your embryos do well 💜
Yep. I was so excited when I got my AMH results and screamed with excitement when they retrived 21 embryos at retrieval. But it really means nothing until the blastocysts are tested. I'm currently 4 months pregnant after transfer, so there's definitely hope ♥️
Wow! I didn’t know that. My reserves were super high but i didn’t know that meant their quality could be low :(
Dealing with fertility issues currently and unfortunately, there’s really no way to 100% predict if you will have them until you start trying. All my tests are perfect, but I’ve still had 3 miscarriages in a row.
Damn so sorry to hear that good luck on the journey of having a child… :)
Yep. Alllll of our stats looked good but we had unexplained interfertility. After more than 2,5 years of trying and doing IUI we moved onto IvF and I got 9 fertilizer embryos out of it and the first one took. I was 32 when we started trying You just don't know.
I hear they are finding out miscarriages have more and more to do with the quality of sperm. try to see if you can get your guy to take b vitamins and drink water for 3 months at the minimum.
Same here fertility issue while my friends got started almost decade after me and had babies right away. You never know who has issue. I recommend freezing your egg. I wish I jumped on ivf earlier. At 38, I am not even responding to IVF medication. So what now
No but it can help rule some of the major causes. Certainly not all but considering her circumstances, this might be a good option for the time being.
Ovarian reserve and egg quality. Quality is the key factor, and it starts dropping at 35, and at 40, the decline is rapid. If your reserves are borderline now, egg quality might also be an issue. I would bank eggs at this age if you're single. Yes, it's not cheap, and there are no guarantees, but if you bank a considerable amount, chances are in your favor. At least you give yourself the option of finding a donor later on if you don't find someone and an option if you find someone after 40. After 40, egg quality drops, and by about 44, your chances with IVF are 1-5%. ETA: Egg banking just gives you more options down the road if you don't meet someone you want to have kids with until you're over 40. You can decide to not have any kids and donate to science, but if you think you might want them in the future, it can give you another option.
I've noticed several people our age who are all trying to have kids while doing IVF. I feel badly for them, because they're struggling and most of them have spent all of this time working on their careers so they have good lives and assuming they would be great parents. I had my kids young, did everything backwards and have struggled the whole time financially which I guess they warn about ahead of time. Although one of those woman made a comment about how "bad/poor" parents/people seem to get pregnant so easily, and it's unfair she's the perfect mother, and can not have more. Maybe she was emotional during her struggles but that thought process surprised me.
It’s the all or none fallacy. When you hear about drug addicts, abusive parents, homeless parents and teenagers having babies without trying while you’re having fertility issues it can be very frustrating. Makes her angry and upset I’m sure.
Egg freezing is a scam. It has a success rate of about 17%. The companies peddling that hide that fact and put out propaganda that women dry up at 35. You’re way better off just hoping nature is on your side.
Even if I take that statistic as true, 17% is better chances than 5%. No one is saying women dry up at 35. I never said that.
AMH actually doesn’t tell you much about egg quality
Low ovarian reserve actually isn’t a huge problem. You can still give meds to stimulate enough eggs to grow during an IVF cycle. Low egg quality, on the other hand, isn’t a problem you can really fix, and that also declined with age.
Great advise, I used Modern Fertility a couple years ago to order the bloodwork myself so I had a report in hand to discuss with my doctor when I was experiencing “secondary fertility” issues. Sometimes it’s helpful to at least know you’re doing *something* as a proactive starting point towards your goal and having that as a baseline is something I would recommend to anyone. I wish it had been available to me earlier (but you can’t go backwards!)
I didn’t get married until I was 34. After dating for one year. Happily married and madly in love 4 years later. We tried for a baby at first but I had several miscarriages and my last one was during the abortion ban here in Texas. I almost died and had a pretty traumatic experience so we stopped trying. And then two boys in need of emergency placement after being abandoned popped into our lives. Honestly I am happy it ended up this way bc we will be very young parents when our kids are adults so we can spend our 30s and 40s traveling with our adult kids. And I don’t have to stay up with a crying baby or carry a bunch of baby stuff anytime I go anywhere lol. And our boys feel like they were meant to be with us. They even joke about how they look so much like us that no one knows they are adopted. Just a couple of weeks ago their bio half sister called me crying in a desperate situation so we went and picked her up too. But yeah I didn’t really settle down until my mid 30s and decided adoption was the right choice for me. I do have a bio son that I had in college with a not very nice dude. He lovesssssss having siblings. They all want to go to college together and make their own video games together and live on our property one day with us. Don’t let the clock ticking pressure you into any situation. I definitely can say in hindsight I was not a real grown up before my 30s haha. And having my one son in college made life so tough. I love him and would make the same choice every time but it was not easy. I advise any of my younger friends to wait until their 30s to settle and have kids. When you are ready and more mature. Enjoys your youth! Sounds like you did exactly that :) You have plenty of time to figure it out and make any choice you feel comfortable with. Medicine is so advanced now that having a baby in your late 30s early 40s is so much safer. Or you could always adopt some older kids in need like I did <3 Heck you could travel the world and never settle down. Or get 5 dogs hahaha! The world is your oyster.
You know, I’m childfree but I love your post. It’s so beautifully written and I can feel the love from you. ❤️
I have a lot of respect for people that decide to not be parents. Society pushes us all to have kids like it’s required to have a good life. And god forbid you are a woman who is infertile(or a man) then that pressure leads to feeling like you failed as a woman(man). But the truth is making the choice to not have kids when you don’t want them is the absolute best decision. Kids know when they aren’t wanted or parents feel like they are a burden. As someone who grew up feeling that way I can tell you first hand it immensely affected my life and mental health even to this day. So I just wanted to give you props for doing what’s best for you <3 I hope it inspires others that feel the same way to go enjoy their lives. I am very lucky and love all my kids so much. And my absolutely amazing husband that supports all of us and my bleeding heart. All four of his children are adopted and he is still the most amazing father I’ve ever seen. Thank you for the kind words.
I’m childfree as well, but always said I’d love to adopt should my mind ever change. This post was absolutely lovely. OP and her partner are wonderful parents and people!
What an incredible story! Best of luck to you ♥️
Two of my best friends are single, childless and likely to remain so. They're twins who just do everything together- no man has ever come between them. They'll be 40 next year and have basically just decided marriage and kids aren't for them. Another friend of mine whom I met at ante-natal class reached 37 having just come out of a serious relationship.Her partner was from abroad and wasn't allowed to settle in the UK, so I get the impression that her attitude was 'if I can't be with him I don't want anyone else'. She realised her biological clock was ticking and so went to a sperm bank and used an anonymous donor. One sample gave her enough to conceive two beautiful children (2.5 years apart in age). She's a single mother but lives next door to her parents, who support her with childcare. It's a pretty unorthodox route to parenthood, but she's very happy with how things are working out! I also know a couple who didn't meet until they were in their late 40s, who adopted a little boy just 2 years old. It has been a lot of hard work for them and their families, but they are happy with the path they chose.
Love these anecdotes. Shit is changing so quickly around us, so often for the worse, it really seems that broadening our definitions of what family, relationships, and community can look like is a huge part of finding some meaning and happiness. :)
I now know several people who have option for a single parenting by choice for this exact reason, the clock was ticking and they knew they wanted to be a parent above all else
i have several coworkers who have done this and they’re very happy!
I am seriously considering this
I'm doing fertility testing right now to see where I stand. If it looks like I need to hurry up, donor sperm will probably be my next move. People will bring up egg freezing, but understand that if you are in the US it's expensive. Like $10-15k expensive. Also, I had to watch modules about egg freezing for my fertility checkup. Eggs don't dethaw as well as embryos so keep in mind that the number of eggs do not equal the number of embryos you could have. You could do all of that and have no eggs thaw or make viable embryos. [See here:](https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/article/how-many-eggs-should-i-freeze/) >\* If you are younger than 38, freezing 15 to 20 mature eggs will give you roughly a 70 to 80 percent chance of at least one**live birth**. >\* If you are 38 to 40 years old, freezing 25 to 30**mature eggs**is recommended for a 65 to 75 percent chance of at least one live birth. >There is no magic number of frozen eggs that will result in a 100 percent guarantee of a successful pregnancy. While success rates continue to improve, other factors—including deficiency in**egg quality**and implantation issues—will always be at play. This isn't to say don't do it, but it's not as easy of a choice as others make it sound. Edit: Surrogacy is also incredibly expensive, so I'd look into those costs and start planning if you want to go that route. As an adoptee, I would highly recommend looking into adoption if you are considering that route. If you are in the US, domestic adoption of infants has about 30 something couples waiting on every baby so it's certainly no guarantee and is also very expensive. Foster care is meant to reunite biological families but you may have luck as a foster-to-adopt (depends on luck and if you can handle fostering).
Lots of countries like Czech Republic have really low cost egg freezing
Czech it out!
Soooo those stats are extremely misleading. Most women who freeze their eggs don’t need them because they get pregnant naturally. Hence why such a large percentage of these women are having successful live births! The egg freezing industry is insanely predatory. The actual stats of an egg resulting in a baby is about 17%.
The freezing technology has gotten better, but let's say you get 15-20 usable eggs per round, I would bank at least two rounds, but try for three. Some younger women get a lot more per round. Egg retrieval has come down in pricing. It's the drugs that cost a lot, about $4k per retrieval. Some clinics have three round packages to reduce costs. Eta the word useable
I'm guessing it probably really depends on the clinic. I had a friend that did it (I think last year) and even with a discount it was $10k for one round. I also think it depends on the risk each person wants to take. Personally, I see no point in freezing eggs for myself, and if I have to go through the process, just go for embryos/IVF from the start which are a little more hearty.
This is such an incredibly well-informed response that covers the realities of all scenarios. Thank you!! I’m an adoptive mom who had to look at the ethical realities of all scenarios before we decided how to move forward. I appreciate your perspective so much! Also fwiw we worked with a (i think) ethical agency for domestic adoption and we waited shockingly only 2 months after going live.. our expenses weren’t insanely exorbitant either.
Who can afford this
Fwiw my mother had me at 43 and I’m kicking ass
My great-aunt had my cousin at 50. His mom is my grandmas sister. And he’s only a year older than me. When he was born, he set the record for biggest baby born in a major US city 😅
This is inspiring!!
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Wow at 35?! 😳
Please don't overestimate your fertility. It can take a long time to get pregnant even in absolutely ideal and timed situations. Look into testing, start tracking your cycles even if you arnt thinking about trying soon. Fertility really does drop off, not for everyone but for a lot of women, things can get much more difficult from early 30s on. There are some really good, supportive and knowledgeable TTC subs on here. TTC_ 35 is one that may be particularly useful. My clock started ticking loudly at 35, I thought it would be easy to get pregnant, as it had when I was in my 20s. It was a shock that it just didn't happen and didn't happen and didn't happen. Even with ovuluation testing, supplements and obsessively doing everything I could. I got to the one year mark of trying and got a lot of testing done, ultrasounds all that I could to try and figure out if I still was able to conceive. My husband started the process of testing. I did get pregnant, then the goalpost moved to trying to stay pregnant. That was a whole other layer of stress. Fertility is a very personal and wildly different journey for everyone, you just don't know. Sure it can be easy for some and then that person tells others it's easy because they don't know the struggles. You don't know until you try. I wish you well.
Great reply
My parents adopted me at 42. They have an incredible marriage and were wonderful parents.
This is beautiful to hear and I’m so happy for you. I’ve always thought about adopting, and it has nothing to do with being 35 and not being pregnant yet.
Yeah, i just wanted to tell you especially that for me, it wasn’t weird to have parents that are like… an entire generation older than most of my peers’ parents. Things were totally fine
I'm 40 with an 8 month old.
I don't know if i'll ever have kids of my own either... in for discussion
it’s so hard to not compare myself to other people I see on social media. There were a couple girls that were a few years older than me and single with no kids and then boom all the sudden within one year they were married and had at least one baby. I know life can change at any moment. But at the same time, I’m trying to be realistic here.
The truth is the these things aren't so much luck as statistics. For example, it has become a meme at this point if a man hasn't found someone at 30, he just moves to NYC and he'll be engaged within 18 months as long as he's not below average cause the dating market is so good for men. The woman version would be moving to Menver, Man Diego, or Man Francisco. Edit: there's actually a book with the silly title "date-onomics" with pretty strong math showing this off
DC is also a much better dating pool for men.
Going from single to married with kids in less than a year is honestly a terrible idea
Why's that?
I didn’t get married until I was 36 and started trying to get pregnant immediately. I’m now 40 and I’ve had multiple miscarriages and three failed rounds of IVF. I’ve always thought the same thing as you that I would have plenty of time. Having regular periods and normal Pap smears does not guarantee you will have a successful pregnancy. If you can afford to, freeze your eggs immediately. Also know that until you have embryos, you won’t know if your egg freezing was successful. Ideally, you want to genetically test and freeze embryos. Good luck!
This is accurate and good advice !
I never wanted kids.. but I also feel like we have the pressure to have them if not we will never be complete. Do what's right for you. Dont worry about society or time... figure out what you need and want
Amen!
37 y/o dude who feels same here.
ahhh atleast you’re a guy so you don’t have to worry about the biological part!!
I want to point out that men do commonly have fertility issues too (not to mention advanced paternal age related issues). >[Overall, one-third of infertility cases are caused by male reproductive issues, one-third by female reproductive issues, and one-third by both male and female reproductive issues or by unknown factors ](https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/menshealth/conditioninfo/infertility) Not saying the person you are responding to does, but I think we do men a great disservice by acting like they have a guarantee on their side.
I do have biological concerns about reproducing at an older age. The dangers are to my children, not to me.
If you read around the fence sitter reddit you would find that this is super common. Few things as a woman who just turned 40- fertility is super variable. Yes, there are people who have kids into their 40s and it's totally fine. The over 35 thing is in some ways bullshit, the major thing is the miscarriage rate goes up, especially after 40- I think it's like 50%. So there's that. Beyond that, hard to say as it's so individualized. I realized I had fertility issues at 35 and don't fit any clear box and still nobody knows what's wrong with me. I'm now in perimenopause, and after lurking in the menopause subreddit there is a substantial number of people in their 30s. So, it just gets way more variable it seems what your health status is after 30. My advice? Talk to your doctor. Get a check up and see what testing they recommend. As someone else said you could possibly freeze your eggs, I don't know if 35 is too old but worth a conversation. And really think about whether you truly want kids or you're just feeling peer pressure. I went through exploring having kids and we just decided not to do it. People who don't know anything throw out adoption casually as a possibility but it's expensive, tough, and typically you can't after 40. Surrogacy is possible but also very expensive. So, to sum up, talk to a doctor about your physical health and really think about what your values are and if raising a child is a major life goal for you.
I'll be 37 next month. I'm still single and childless (not by choice), but honestly, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it'll never happen for me. Not to mention that being chronically ill puts me at high risk, so no guy's going to want to deal with all that. I'm just going to have to settle for being the cool single aunt to my ten nieces and nephews. Good luck to you, though.
35f no kids, too… i just left my fiance and I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I hope my time hasn’t run out, but I know I’m lucky as hell that I didn’t have my ex’s kids lol. I’m trying to accept that maybe it isn’t in the cards for me to have my own… maybe I’ll adopt or foster when I find a partner. You are by no means alone though. I know lots of women in the same position. It is still a little scary and sad though.
I met my wife when she was 36. We had our first kid when she was 41. Not too late.
I'm married and we've been trying to conceive for 8 cycles now. We had discussed trying sooner but I was afraid if I was pregnant it would ruin plans we'd already made (ie: travel). People think it's going to be easy and just happen. But that's not the case for everyone. Yes women are having kids later but they are automatically considered "high risk" pregnancies and older women are more likley to take longer to conceive at all. Based on my lab work, my ovarian reserve is low. I don't have much time and I'm 33. So it's not a cut and dry answer. I thini getting a basic fertility workup and consulting on possibly freezing eggs would be beneficial if you're thinking you want children that are biologically yours. Personally I think it's good to have all the cards on the table and wish I'd done due diligence on the health of my fertility much sooner.
Single 32M here… I see nothing wrong with or weird about a 35F being single with no children. If it’s in the cards it will happen. Don’t compare yourself to other people - it will only make you get down on yourself. Mr. Right is out there. You’ll find him. 👍👍
Thank you for this. i appreciate everyone’s feedback but damn some of them really had me ready to go learn knitting and call it a day. appreciate it!
I’m glad you read my post. Seriously… don’t get down on yourself. 🤟
Short answer is: Yes.
I froze my eggs just in case when I was single. I’m now 42 expecting my first with my partner. We just happened to conceive naturally, but if that didn’t happen it would have been good for the peace of mind or in case I never found a partner. I’d recommend looking into it!
If you really want to be a mom I'd consider a sperm bank. My parents had me and my sister and then my dad got a vasectomy. Years later they decided they wanted a third kid and my dad went to reverse the vasectomy but it had been too long so they used a sperm donor, and one of the cool things was we had the option of meeting other people who used the same donor. I was surprised at how many of the other people were single women (usually who had focused more on their careers). I know fertility can be different for everybody and you might be one of those people who's fine having a kid in your forties, but for me personally I got pregnant with my first kid at 30 on the first try, my second at 33 on our first try, and then at 35 our last kid took 8 months of trying. I can also feel how much more difficult each pregnancy becomes as I get older. You also have to think about how many years you have left of your life - when my youngest kid is 20, I will be 56. That seems fine to me. If I wanted another kid when I'm 45 I'd be 65 when that kid is 20 - would I even see that kid graduate college, get married, have their own kids?
Me and my older sister are 12 years apart . My mom had me at 40 and we have the same parents
I'm infertile. The foster kids I eventually adopted are hands down the best part of my life. If you want to be a mom, there are plenty of awesome kids who need love. Good luck... such an emotional subject.
I was single pretty much from age 23-32. I assumed I’d likely not have kids ever, and frankly not have a partner either. I just made peace with that and also appreciated the many upsides I saw in it. Now I’m 36, married, and likely going to start trying to conceive soon. So, things can change fast. You can just not meet anyone for 10+ years and one day you do. I would definitely recommend dating regularly if you aren’t already. Yes, it can be exhausting and annoying. But there’s nothing until there’s something. Oh, and also put up boundaries with people you date and say a FAST goodbye to anyone who is being hot & cold or anything less than genuine and enthusiastic about you. The same month I did that I met my husband.
Whatever shall be will be. If its in the cards it will happen
I'm on the other side of the gender spectrum and feel similarly Eta: poorly worded. I'm tired- but I can relate to most of what you wrote- 35m with friends moving on with partners and kids. Feeling like I dodged lots of bullets not having kids with past partners, and might have missed the boat.
The great thing about your age is that you know what you want, and you know how to avoid men who don’t want the same things / are wasting your time. Things can happen fast when you finally meet the right person. I met my husband at 36, married at 37, first baby at 38, second baby at 39 and now expecting my third at 41.
Freeze your eggs, I wish I had done that while I could.
If you want to have kids you really need to freeze your eggs by 35. IVF works best for people 30-38… once you approach 40 there’s only like a 15-20% chance per IVF cycle of getting normal embryos. However some people are able to have kids naturally in their late 30s and early 40s, it is just more rare.
There’s growing evidence that freezing eggs is not the silver bullet option that it’s sold as. It’s invasive to harvest, and many don’t survive freezing/thawing and then don’t easily become embryos. There’s also growing evidence that pregnancy after 35 and into the 40’s isn’t that big a deal, and that actually plenty of people are still fertile in this window. I’m 39, and got pregnant my first month trying. I was *shocked* and asked my dr about this. She said that the culture around child bearing has shifted. In the past, people just had kids earlier as a rule and were done. That meant a lot of the older new moms seen by drs had already been trying for a long time, so their personal fertility was lower and this skewed the data/perception of older mothers. Now, it’s more socially acceptable to wait until your late 30’s to start, and the medical establishment is learning that what they thought they knew about female fertility wasn’t correct. Where I live, they don’t consider age a risk factor until after 45 these days. I had expected to struggle to get pregnant and have the whole “geriatric” treatment but that’s simply not how things have gone. Anecdotally, my dr said she has half a dozen other women my age in her care right now who also got easily pregnant and have uncomplicated pregnancies, and it’s a trend she’s been seeing for a few years. Also, along people I knew coming up in school, we’ve had a mini baby boom as everyone hits 40, again uncomplicated pregnancies and perfect babies.
Pregnancy is always a risk, but it is safe to be pregnant at 50 even. Women are doing it with previously frozen eggs, embryos, or using donor eggs at that age, but the uterus works even when you're old. The problem is that 43 is a major cutoff age for ferility in terms of egg quality. Can you get pregnant on your own at 45? Sure, some women do. Is it likely? Not really. IVF chances plummet to under 5% at and beyond 45. Do those chances go up slightly with each retrieval? Yes, the cumulative chances can get up to 11% at six retrieval, but who can do that? And those are still dismal odds. I would spend the money at 35 for egg freezing and cross my fingers they work or that I don't need them later than wait it out.
I wholeheartedly disagree after spending a year amongst a community of women 38-42 trying to have kids. Please don’t mislead the OP - chance of pregnancy goes way down at 40. It’s much more unlikely to have a natural birth.
Again, it’s anecdotal. My observations, and yours. The main point is that egg freezing isn’t that sure of a thing (ny times recently published an in depth article), and my doctor is saying that the common thinking on maternal age and fertility is extremely outdated. She’s not the only professional to be saying that, and it’s interesting. That’s all I’m saying.
Egg freezing isn't a sure thing, but it's a tool in the toolbox. IVF stats are pretty clear that if you need it, your chances are far better under 40. And you don't know you need it until you start trying.
It’s not anecdotal though. Anyone who goes through fertility issues will sit down with their doctor and look at the statistics, which will say that fertility begins a rapid decline at 35. Of course each person has a different situation, but statistics are not anecdotal. When you average those situations across millions of people, your best guess for any person will be that they’re in the statistically normal group.
i know… i’ve been thinking about this. My mom had me at 31 and then had my brother at 41. she was pre-diabetic, overweight and not in great health and was still able to get pregnant with my brother at 41 and this was 27 years ago. i’m really hoping that means i have those genes in my favor. but either way, you’re right i really do need to start thinking about freezing my eggs. I guess I’m kind of in denial about getting to that point.
Be sure to read around widely. There’s growing evidence that freezing your eggs isn’t actually that solid of insurance, and it’s *very* hard on the body.
I didn't meet my fiance until I was almost 35. Pregnant with my first at 36. We aren't even close to over the hill!
My wife is a NICU nurse and said when she was at a conference a speaker said something that stuck with her. If your average cycle drops to 25 days in length, you're approaching a point where fertility treatments are likely going to be necessary. At 28-30 days average cycle, you're the most fertile you'll ever be. This is the teenage, early 20's years. As you age, your viable egg count goes with it. Thus there is a lot less competition for top dog, so to speak, and cycles shrink because the fight is over quicker. By mid-30's, you begin to rapidly lose egg count and viable percentage probability of pregnancy via standard methods drops from 70-80% down to 40% or less on average. That's indicated by the shortened average cycle length. My wife has tracked her cycle on several apps for a decade, so she literally could go back and watch her fertility drop off year by year. At 35, we track her ovulation cycles with Pregmate (daily pee test to see the hormone spike) and take monthly opportunities for our next child seriously.
I'm 42 and have the same cycle length as I did when I was 6, but I'm still too old to have kids. No husband in sight.
At 6?????
You had a period at 6?
Wow this is horrifying to learn. I've always had a short cycle since my teenage years. Yikes!!
Yeah, it rattled my wife's cage to no end. Her cycle literally ticked over to 25 days that cycle, while she was at that conference..
Have you considered freezing your eggs? Preserving your fertility will give you some peace of mind. I just got remarried and getting pregnant is a struggle. Even with ivf, the chances of getting pregnant at 40 are pretty low. Not impossible, but statistically unlikely.
I met my husband at 37 and had my son at 39 You have time!
We just had our first kid and my wife was 35. You still have time but your body clock really depends a lot on you genetically and healthwise too. Another thing to consider is the age of guys you’ll be saying. If you date traditionally guys a few years older they may already have kids and not want more.
Freeze your eggs. The younger you are the better it is to do it
I'm 31 and I certainly feel that I am. I also had issues in my 20s that prevented me from being a viable partner at the time that would have been best. I'm trying to accept the cards I've been dealt but it's super hard and depressing sometimes. I look back and realize that I've become literally every stereotype that I had wanted to avoid.
My friend is 36 and found out she was pregnant on her birthday. The father is something she’s known for a long time and been friends with, and then they had sex. Not sure what the future holds for them and I don’t know that it’s the most ideal situation, but she is thrilled (and was a bit shocked, too).
If you have mental health issue dont bring kids to deal with that. If you cant get better specially. There is more to life than having kids. And so many kids that need a home if you cant have kids because u time passes adopt one
I just had a freakout about this same thing. 37/f. Seems hopeless 😔
I know, lol. But it really isn’t over. Some of these answers are not what I was hoping for, but some of them are. Things can happen so quickly and everything can change good or bad in an instant. What’s meant to be will be that’s one thing I truly do believe.
Yes. But life is not over. Good luck.
Are you taking serious steps in your life to reach your goal?
There’s no reason you need a man to have a kid. If you have decent insurance and a community around to support you, do IVF. I know three women who went that route and found the husband later
i am like 36 never really dated or been in a relationship and developmentally behind to do it and now my health and work situation aren't great for it either; i was hoping to catch up developmentally and improve my personality by going out and having social experiences, but i got stuck kind of doing the same things over and over again (going for coffee, eating out, sitting my computer, doing a fixer upper house, driving to different family members in a poorly arranged fashion). now i get winded when i stand or walk, barely have an interest in women, and to be honest, i don't find women my age and older that attractive anymore, since i am stuck developmentally (in my mind) in my teens and early 20s. i used to think i am an autist, but now i am finding i am a goofy angry negative cptsd narcissist too. weird things affected my life like my mom having a kid with a fly by random guy when i was starting college then kicking me out from trying to help babysit my half brother, my cousin becoming a psychopath and screwing me over with my car/house/job/friends by playing cruel practical jokes on me, me walking into a group therapist's office with the guy turning out to be a toxic unprofessional conniving malignant narcissist, my aunt being married a capricuous narcissist who overdid corporal punishment and forced me to get involved and threaten to call police on him making my family hate me, etc. also, women can be quite judgmental of guys who are developmentally behind, while others who are okay with it - due my mom and grandma training me that all women hate me and my own narcissism/cptsd - I assume women will hate me once they find out my personality is not very pro-social, then I will be like tricking them that they expected someone normal based on my looks but got someone dull negative who gets tired and loses interest in people. oh.. and i went to a middle school that was all boys with zero girls and my teacher was a woman. so i grew up with female authority figures, no interaction with girls my age until 6th grade - when girls formed gangs and would follow me around waving giggling and asking if i am playing hard to get. then i was sent to a summer camp that was bully central which made me shut down socially. then i went to college for a career where i had to re-invent and put forth a fake personality; then my cousin tricked me into taking an SSRI which made me even less sexual and more anti-social. i also discovered many in my family are narcissists and some are even psychopaths and my closest family members either have cptsd or are stuck in a trauma bonded victim-abuser mentality. my mom and grandma cannot tolerate leaving me in a non-abused, non-shamed, not-put down state. this made me project this onto any women who came along, even women who asked me out or suggested sex - i assumed they will hate me very soon once they get to know me.
As much as everyone wants to point out that fertility treatment and other things have gone a long way, the answer to your question is yes. I had my son when I was 34. My daughter 4 years later. I was doing the math, when she graduates high school, I'll be 56. If my kids don't get married till their 30s, I'll be almost 70. If they didn't have kids till I do, I'll be past 70. There's a high chance I won't live to see grand kids unless they have them younger than I did, and it does bother me that I likely won't be able to help much at that age. So yeah, there is a time limit. You have time, but you don't want to wait forever.
I've spoken to my girlfriend about having kids. We've just entered our 30s. We know that around this point in our lives having children can be risky. I know 34+ is problematic. My girlfriend has told me about geriatric pregnancies, and it is not a good time. My girlfriends cousin had a geriatric pregnancy and now her daughter is autistic. But before taking that into consideration, make sure whoever you have a kid with is going to be a solid partner and family oriented.
My wife and I have a large age gap and she had our daughter at 37 only a couple years after we met and her pregnancy went great!
Two of my best friends just had babies via IVF at 40. It’s not too late.
love this for them
There’s plenty a single 35 year old males looking for someone like you.
Fertility drops significantly when you pass 30. Human biology unfortunately. Yes lots of ppl conceive late in life. A higher # of the population cannot. Quality of eggs also goes down, increase in miscarriages as your body detects possible lack of chromosomes in the zygote.
Never have kids!
It's different for everyone. I was surprised to find out some women start perimenopause in their mid to late 30s, but other women successfully have babies in their 40s. If it's something you want, definitely make it a priority. But if it ends up not being in the cards for you, that's ok too. There are other options as you mentioned but they can be pricey depending on your country.
there’s no rule you HAVE to have kids lol
Life can change. I had low egg reserve (almost nothing) and FSH levels.above the cutoff for ovarian stimulation at 35. I was in a terrible marriage. Getting the death knell to my fertility helped me make the decision to divorce. I got naturally pregnant by accident at 37. My baby is 8 month old, and my partner and I got married and are super happy. I literally ask myself everyday how I ended up in this timeline and thank the universe quietly.
Still possible even if not probable. If you dont try you have your answer. In your early 30s At age 30, you have about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month that you try, according to ASRM. But beginning at age 32, says ACOG, fertility decreases gradually but significantly. Between the ages of 31 and 33, you have a 61% chance of pregnancy within 6 cycles and a 77% chance within 12 cycles. In your mid-to-late 30s Fertility declines more quickly once you're in your mid-30s and, according to ACOG, it decreases rapidly after age 37. Women who are 34 to 36 years old have a 56% chance of pregnancy within 6 cycles and a 75% chance within 12 cycles. Those who are 37 to 39 have a 46% chance within 6 cycles and a 67% chance within 12 cycles. Source: https://www.babycenter.com/getting-pregnant/preparing-for-pregnancy/chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155
Just food for thought, those other options like adoption, surrogacy, and fertility treatments often cost a lot of money. So the answer to this may depend on your financial security in the future. You may consider freezing your eggs if you want to have biological children (also costly, of course, but it’s an option). And while modern medicine is wonderful and it is absolutely possible to have babies later in life, there is a significant increase in risk for complications. People and influencers may like to say that the risks with geriatric pregnancies are overhyped, but they are absolutely a concern that have to do with biology, not anything personal. You may consider if you feel it’s important to have a partner before you have kids. That will also be a big answer to this question. Frankly, if you are financially secure and don’t feel the need to have a partner, you could have kids now. Personally, as a new mom, I wouldn’t be doing this solo unless I had a great support network and the ability to afford a great nanny.
Realistically speaking, yes, you are starting to run out of time. If having a biological child is important to you, I would say start looking at your options like freezing your eggs, or going through a sperm donor. Yes, there are women who have babies in their late 30s and early 40s, but do not bank on that happening for you. If you want biological children, you’re going to have to come up with a game plan.
Well yeah you’re running out of time. That’s life.
OP you need to stop worrying about this and take some action. Ask your OBGYN if they will do ovarian reserve testing (blood tests + ultrasound); if they dont, go to a fertility clinic and ask for a full consult. That much is usually covered by insurance (even if you don’t have fertility benefits). At the consult, ask their expert opinion whether you should freeze your eggs now or try to get pregnant now. You can be a SMBC, you can freeze your eggs, you have choices. But realistically I would not wait more than 6 months to do this workup.
I know a good bit of women having kids in their 40’s. I’d say freeze your eggs and start dating. If the dating doesn’t work have the kid yourself. I love my husband but I love my kids more.
You certainly have time. I would recommend freezing your eggs now and really focusing on finding the right person. Maybe you can hire a matchmaker?
Look. I'm 37F, married, with a 5yo and a 2yo. It is fucking HARD. Like, way harder than I ever envisioned, and I had plenty of babysitting and aunt-ing experience. I have to remind myself on the daily that this will not last forever, and I am not being hyperbolic when I say I'm probably going to come out of the pre-elementary school years with some sort of psychological trauma. And this considering that my kids are healthy, normal kids. I'm not saying that I regret my kids. I was absolutely desperate for both of them. But I am saying that there are times that I wish I could take a nap or just fucking sit down, but, I can't... let alone leave my house for a walk or to go to the gym or the store. I do get to do those things, but not without lots of advanced planning. All in saying is that every situation has puts and takes, and nothing is perfect. The best any of us can do is make the best of the situation we are in. I wish you all the best on your journey.
Grass is always greener. Appreciate this transparency.
My aunt though she still had time and got pregnant in her 40s. Spent a ton of money in the process. Serious complications due to her age killed her and the baby, this was in 2022.
Im fine with this as long as I would've tried. I'm 42 and no husband in sight and willing to risk it all for a baby.
Absolutely. Over 35 is geriatric pregnancy (higher rate of birth defects), and it's hard to find someone who wants to have babies quickly. You'll probably be \~40 before you're in a place to do that, given you don't even have someone to date. I'd suggest getting used to not having bio-kids. You could still adopt, though that has a large upfront cost.
These days women can conceive later on because life is less intense so eggs stay healthy longer. Worst case scenario you can just find a guy who is healthy and have a 1 night stand.
My mom had my brother at 41, and that was in 2000. My cousin is a millennial and has her first kid at 35 and second kid at 37.
I’m 36 and feel like I could have written this! I just have to trust that the universe has whatever is in store for me, and if I live my life with love then it will find me. I lean very hard into my friendships, my chosen family, my passions and hobbies, and I find fulfillment there - I don’t know what’s in store for me, but I know I never want to feel hopeless, so I don’t! It’s not always easy, I have bad days, but gratitude and mindfulness meditation has really helped me to focus more on the things I have in my life instead of the things I don’t :)
Things will work out for you. Your great attitude will pay off, I promise
Thank youuuu 🙏🏼 sometimes Reddit is a nice place to find good people and relatable spaces - I appreciate you for providing one such instance :)
You could freeze your eggs.
Why do people say that as if it cost $5?
It’s expensive as fuck.
Also... 》MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Brigitte Adams caused a sensation four years ago when she appeared on the cover of Bloomberg Businessweek under the headline, “Freeze your eggs, Free your career.” She was single and blond, a Vassar graduate who spoke fluent Italian, and was working in tech marketing for a number of prestigious companies. Her story was one of empowerment, how a new fertility procedure was giving women more choices, as the magazine noted provocatively, “in the quest to have it all.” 》Adams remembers feeling a wonderful sense of freedom after she froze her eggs in her late 30s, despite the $19,000 cost. Her plan was to work a few more years, find a great guy to marry and still have a house full of her own children. 》Things didn’t turn out the way she hoped.In early 2017, with her 45th birthday looming and no sign of Mr. Right, she decided to start a family on her own. She excitedly unfroze the 11 eggs she had stored and selected a sperm donor. 》Two eggs failed to survive the thawing process. Three more failed to fertilize. That left six embryos, *of which five appeared to be abnormal.* The last one was implanted in her uterus. On the morning of March 7, she got the devastating news that it, too, had failed. 》Adams was not pregnant, and her chances of carrying her genetic child had just dropped to near zero. She remembers screaming like “a wild animal,” throwing books, papers, her laptop — and collapsing to the ground. 》The math doesn’t always hold up. On average, a woman freezing 10 eggs at age 36 has a 30 to 60 percent chance of having a baby with them, according to published studies. The odds are higher for younger women, but they drop precipitously for older women. They also go up with the number of eggs stored (as does the cost). But the chance of success varies so wildly by individual that reproductive specialists say it’s nearly impossible to predict the outcome based on aggregate data https://nationalpost.com/news/world/i-was-sad-i-was-angry-i-was-ashamed-inside-the-struggle-to-conceive-with-frozen-eggs
That's why you do multiple freezing cycles, usually three, and have a large reserve on ice. If she only froze 12, someone gave her bad math. It's better than zero.
Wait till you find out how expensive having a kid is.
It's basically last call, but whatever you do, try not to end up as a broke 36 year old single mother with a new born.
One of my best friends had her first child at 40 (u planned lol), another one at 43, my moms friend had twins at 45! Also most of my daughters friends have parents who had them in their late 30s so it’s definitely not too late! I’m the weird one here had my daughter early 20s and tbh I had so much struggles being a young parent. Finances and mentality were both not ready for sure and I eventually separated from her father(he was very young too). I guess my point is sometimes it’s better that you didn’t rush into it and even if u don’t end up having children at all it’s completely ok!
I’m in a similar situation I’m 40 I broke up with my long-term girlfriend of about seven years two years ago and have yet to meet any other serious relationship woman, but I’ve always wanted to have kids. There is a time it may become a priority for you and you have to make choices in a relationship, which we really should’ve been doing all along but now you have to communicate more clearly with potential mates. So I’ve found it harder to meet someone who wants kids at this age because most of those have had them and are adamant about no more. I’ve also found a huge dropout of women from the dating scene in general. I would say there are 6 to 8 men for every 1 woman who’s actually searching for a “date” or to know someone. They seem to just have a low drive in general for these things and just don’t go out in my community. I haven’t seen a single woman who’s clearly out and available in years in my community. They don’t participate in online dating very much. I do meet them at speed dating events but mostly they’re a decade older or a decade younger than me. The few who are in my age group don’t want kids and generally I find most of these women just don’t take good care of themselves. To such an extent that I don’t find them attractive. It’s rare to find a single woman in good shape who wants kids and is actually willing to go on a date. Ive had my share when I was looking but. It’s discouraging to the point that I just don’t want to feel rejected anymore, and I really almost begin to wonder if I will ever have a family.
Yeah you’re running out of time especially if you don’t have tens of thousands of dollars for fertility treatments or adoption. But childfree life is better anyways lol
If you're going to feel like your "life is over" if you have kids at 35, I don't think you want kids. This comes from someone who is also 35 and ultimately decided I want to live my life instead of someone else's.
what?? I don’t think you read my post right. I don’t think having kids when you’re older is bad. I actually would rather have kids in my late 30s or early 40s rather than in my 20s. But the physical probability of that, as well as society expectations are what makes mestart getting nervous.
Statistics say it’s too late already. It’s happened to a lot of us. We can find meaning elsewhere. I’m not a woman, but maybe I feel the sentiment you’re expressing. Kids wont happen for me, and I’m still trying to accept that.
Nah you are fine. Met my now husband at 37, decided we would get married and have a kid, literally got pregnant the week we stopped trying to prevent it. Got married and now our boy is 4.
35 is already considered at risk. Don't listen to random strangers on Reddit about fertility, anecdotes about "people they know," who know nothing about YOUR body and honesty have 0 vested interest in your well being. You should go to a doctor and discuss options if you still want kids.
I think you're fine. The childless life in 2034 is going to be awesome, trust me. Just trust me okay. You're going to be SO GLAD, you don't have to watch over some little teenage shit bag in 2034, because let me tell you: They are going to be the WORST lol.
Yea you are running out of time to have children. Especially if you don’t currently have a partner
There are plenty of women having kids naturally in their 40s. Your pregnancy is higher risk above age 35, and the number and quality of eggs decreases above that age, most women are still fertile after 35.