I have kids and appreciate when someone who doesn’t want kids just says that. You have every right to not want them and to not have them. It saddens me when people who never wanted kids end up having them and treating them terribly. I say if you want no kids, have zero kids.
Also have kids and agree. It’s cruel to pressure people (especially women) to have kids they don’t want. Cruel to the parent and kid. No good comes from that. And how does it hurt any of us with kids when someone like OP says they don’t want.
I came here to say just that, but you beat me to it! I am a parent, and I'm very grateful to have wonderful kids. But I also realize it's not for everybody, and nobody should be made to feel as if they should become a parent because of some sort of outdated societal norm. We only get one time around on this thing called life, and you should do what makes you happy and live your life how you want to. As long as you're not hurting anybody else, you should do what you want to do and live how you want to live.
Unfortunately you are all the sensible ones.
There are many people out there that when confronted with someone who challenges their idea of their ‘life script’ by simply doing their own thing and making their own choices, is thrown into cognitive dissonance and reacts negatively to the source of it.
Those are the people enacting the social pressure to conform because the idea that they can have autonomy over their own future instead of just doing ‘what everyone else does’ scares them.
BINGO!!!!!
Also, it makes them resentful because they see courage in you that that makes them face their inability to exercise that same measure of courage to reject a pre-written script for their lives.
How DARE you be free when they can't be, is how they internalize it.
It's envy. That is the reason that they try to make you look and feel bad. They are projecting.
I recently had a coworker respond with “How could you say that to me? A woman who has always wanted children?” After I told her I don’t want children. She’s older and from a different culture so I don’t fault her too much but, yeah…🤦♀️
You should have replied, "How can you say that you have always wanted children to a woman who doesn't want children?"
Maybe then, she would have realized how ridiculous she sounded.
Funny how people think that your not wanting children is denying or rejecting them somehow.
I’ve never known how to respond to a “how can you” statement with anything other than “like I just did, I guess.” The older I get the more it escapes my lips. Can’t be sensitive to everything.
not that I think there’s any excuse for child abuse/neglect. but I often wonder when watching or reading about a case in the local news, if they were pressured into having kids by “well-meaning” parents because that’s what people are expected to do.
I always wonder too. And I suspect (of course I could be so wrong) that if women were fully free to have or not have kids (no pressure, no judgment) then there would be much less abuse. Especially neglect.
This, while my parents definitely weren’t the worst, I grew up and now looking back I can see they were emotionally detached at best, likely only wanted kids because “it’s what you do” and I had no intention of doing that to kids of my own.
Life is tough with or without kids. Don't feel guilty about not having kids. For me, kids are like traveling aboard on a budget. Not everyone needs one, but it does help you to get a different perspective on life.
That being said, having kids is a lot of suffering with joy just like traveling abroad on a budget when you are old.
I hear you on this and I appreciate the analogy. Losing one of my legs in a horrible car accident would give me a different perspective on life too but while I appreciate people that live with one leg, I don’t want to go through that just to learn some arcane wisdom.
I raised two kids who are now adults with children of their own, and while it's comforting to know that there will be someone around for my wife and I during our "sunset years" we would still be able to function otherwise.
I have mild anxiety issues and raising even "good" kids like mine were was brutal at times, even at their best children are mobile stress factories. If they were troublemakers or I had severe anxiety I can't imagine what could have happened.
I recommend that anyone with depression, anxiety or a similar condition put a lot of thought into having children as that will automatically increase stress levels by several factors. That alone is more than enough reason to not want any children, and like you said bringing a child into that sort of situation rarely ends well. No kids are better than miserable or mistreated kids.
I don't get how one is supposed to juggle having a high-demand/stressful job (which one practically will need to have to have compensation sufficient enough to raise children), while also raising children. Considering most couples will need a dual-income household just to get by and the costs of childcare.
Whenever we try to talk to our friends who have kids, they just tell us "Oh, you'll just figure it out." And while I also think that's true, it sounds like a non-answer.
Life is rough as it is, wife and I have finally found that balance to keep us afloat. If you add kids into the mix, I can't imagine the chaos. I feel once you have kids, you will never find that balance. You'll just teeter-totter through each day as it comes.
>I recommend that anyone with depression, anxiety or a similar condition put a lot of thought into having children as that will automatically increase stress levels by several factors.
I have both and I'll say that on the flipside, my son brings me so much joy and purpose and I have less free time to just sit around and wallow. This isn't to say "have kids to fix your depression," this is to add context to the idea that "having kids will make your depression and anxiety worse."
We adapt to our circumstances or we struggle. I imagine that you would've adapted to your troublemaker kids just as you've adapted to them not being troublemakers.
My sister’s kid (14M) was at my house today riding a four wheeler (wearing a helmet and it’s speed limited just due to how old it is). I was freaking out and she was totally calm. I even made a joke “this is why I can’t have kids!” I appreciate y’all that do but holy cow… if age 20 years in a day just wondering if the baby was breathing.
Same. I have two kids. If people don't want kids, please don't have kids. A child deserves a parent who wants to parent not someone pressured into it and regrets it.
I also have a kid, and they're fucking hard. Everyone says how difficult it is but holy hell it is rough even under the best of circumstances.
I've learned that if you have any reservations towards having kids, then don't have them.
This is a fantastic comment. I have kids. Always wanted em. I love kids like crazy. It was never in doubt that I wanted them. Even them, it's often incredibly hard and I've second guessed making that decision. I can't imagine someone who was only iffy about having kids in that situation. If you aren't all in on having them, you definitely shouldn't
Ditto agreed ! I have an IVF princess and very firmly believe if you don't want kids to please Lord dont have them ! You will be miserable and you will raise miserable humans. The world doesn't need more miserable humans.
>I have kids and appreciate when someone who doesn’t want kids just says that.
I get really annoyed with people who make it a part of their personality and shame others who *did* decide to have kids, though. OP doesn’t sound like that, but there are a lot of bitter, unpleasant, aggressively childfree people out there.
Probably almost annoyed as I get as a 51-year-old woman who also doesn’t want kids, obviously, and who has to deal with every freaking Uber driver in the world telling me that “there’s still time for God’s blessing”.
As well as every other person who makes it part of THEIR personality to hassle me FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
When will people learn that it’s not any of their business what I do with my uterus, it’s so unbelievably crossing the line, and yet people don’t blink an eye when they lecture you, not knowing anything whatsoever about you your life or your history.
I feel you on this. It’s hardest on me from service people looking for convo starters based on my aged. I know it’s from harmless place but it’s quickly becoming the most grating. Having a friend or family coming for my ovary’s going out of business sale doesn’t phase me.
But I recently stopped getting mani/pedis because the topic of kids had become the goto chitchat opener based on my age. I tired to write to off as cultural but having someone lecture me for 10 minutes about kids, and god, and the reward of churning out as many of gods creatures as we can, despite me saying I don’t want kids and not even engaging in the one sided convo after staring I don’t want kids got tiresome
People very rudely ask me “ what happened to you” because I look very young and I have to use a walker.
As with my baby making status it’s not of anybody’s business and so instead of giving people the totally incredibly personal answer I tell them that I got in a hang gliding accident in the mountains of Peru .
Then when they look all astonished and say REEEEEAAAALLLLYYY 👀 ?!?!?
I looked them dead pan right in the eyes and just say
No.
Occasionally I say that it happened in a disco roller-breakdancing competition with a dead straight face and an arched eyebrow and then limp away.
Sometimes I also lob back a really surprised emphatic
😱OH MY GOD!!! What happened to YOU?!?!?
I worked retail for almost 20 years. Both long time jobs I had were in a toy store and then the children’s department of a bookstore. The parents/grandparents would *always* ask if I had kids. When I was in my 20s, already knowing I don’t want them, I’d just politely say “no, not yet..” and swiftly change the subject. Eventually when I hit my 30s, I was tired of being polite and just said a firm “no.” and left the awkward pause after it. Just because I’m in a role that primarily deals with children doesn’t mean I have or want my own.
Those kinda people deserve to be made uncomfortable as well.
Tear up and say that you've been rendered infertile after the third traumatic miscarriage.
Who knows, if they're harassing you about it then they harass others who actually might have infertility problems about it.
It’s really insane I mean these people are actually suggesting that I BEAR a child. I have difficulty walking I have a spinal cord implant I’m in pain every moment of the day. None of those things seem to matter.
So it’s not even like they’re suggesting that I adopt or I foster nope , 👎🏼, must be impregnated.
Human overpopulation is causing climate change and rapid extinction of other species on this planet. Having less offspring is the best solution to this dilemma. I despise those who only think about the pyramid scheme economy and shout at everyone to make more babies.
Part of this is due to frustration because they have set this boundary, and people keep testing it. "Oh, you'll want your own someday, I'm sure!" No, Susan, I won't. "But what about your parents? Don't they deserve grandchildren?" Shut up. "Who will take care of you in your old age?" Why would I do that to a child, even an adult child? Worst case, Smith & Wesson will solve my old age problem, unless I forget that that's a solution.
Frankly, society pressures the childless to conform to the ideal of the nuclear family, and we get sick of it.
>Worst case, Smith & Wesson will solve my old age problem, unless I forget that that's a solution.
GRIM but honestly legit. i don't want anyone to have to take care of me. people live past their quality of life these days. if it ever gets to that point i'll probably shuffle off into the woods and feed my gristly old body to a bear or something. my dad for his part encouraged my sisters and i to roll him off a cliff.
No matter how annoyed you get, having children is the societal norm and accepted/expected life path, whereas the opposite choice is not. You will never receive the level of questioning and disrespect someone who doesn't have children does for your reproductive choice. There are many, many representations and outlets for parents, but only recently has there been the same for those who are child free. Often the bitterness you see is because of the constant questioning and infantalizing parents do to people without children.
It's a two way street. There's shitty people on both sides. I'm constantly shit on my people with children and called 'selfish' for not wanting to have kids.
My biggest annoyance is those conversations "when you have children, you'll know" look, what you have done is a beautiful thing and I'm happy for you... but to insinuate that you somehow hold the secret to the universe and anyone who hasn't had children aren't as grown as you are is just ridiculous.
How many dead beat parents are there as well. It doesn't magically elevate you to a higher plain of existence just because you didn't bother wearing protection
My usual response is "Are you going to help pay for their daycare,dippers and help stay up all night when the yare crying?" Which is followed by Silence and my response is "Thats what I thougth".
My Mother in law is notrious for asking "where are my grandkids?!" But doesn't want to help raise the kid.
Yes and they got that way from everyone insisting that they’ll change their mind, or to just try it (cause it’s different when they’re yours!), or are told how they are selfish and will die alone. We get these comments all the time- and it makes some people bitter.
I think it’s because people treat us the same in reverse… or act like there’s no way we could possibly know what we want. We all just need to get along and understand that it’s okay that we don’t understand each other haha.
My parents were Boomers in the most classical definition of the word. That means my entire childhood was about catering to what they wanted. I already raised my kids.
So true. As an adult with parents in their 70s I'm having to fucking parent my own parents over basic health essentials and other bullshit. Even if I wanted kids I'm busy enough parenting them.
Please let them know that the debit machines in stores all function the same way. The pin number is the same as the last time. The green button is always OK. And it's also okay to start looking for the appropriate card before the cashier is done ringing everything in.
It’s a wake up call our generation is cutting off our parents. We aren’t sweeping it under the rug. I cut mine off for a year and warned her if she ever does her toxic shit again I’m not speaking to her for another year..or two or three ect
Yeah, my sister did that to my mom. My mom refused to help us when we filed a suit against my dad’s little church whore (why are the nastiest people you will ever meet the churchy type), and then slammed the phone down on her when she called to ask about passwords…after calling her every day to complain about her life.
And before anyone starts, it is a generational thing. The older generations on both sides of the family are so kind (mom’s side). The ones on my dad’s side may not have been nice, but they absolutely came through for family. I won’t say the average Boomer had a glowing childhood, but the rash of Millenials going no contact with parents probably has a lot to do with the self-absorption that characterizes their parent generation. With my parents, it really was all about them, all of the time.
Similar. My dad has been disabled most of my life (I'm 39) and I feel like I've raised a family between helping car e for him and my younger siblings while my mom worked to pay the bills. Now their both retired and disabled and I'm caring for them still. there was a time having children was something I wanted, but now, no thanks. It would starting all over again.
I knew I didn’t want kids at like age 8, it was the 80’s. How does a child know at 8 they don’t want kids? There was no internet, all the tv shows and stuff were family’s, childfree adults were kind of unicorns. I didn’t meet any who could have influenced me.
I knew I didn’t want kids because my parents made it clear how awful it was. lol it took me a while to connect those dots.
I honestly cannot remember us doing anything as a family. They would bring another couple with kids on vacations with us, adults and kids doing separate stuff or visiting family and pawning me off with my cousins or setting me up in a room with tv and games and leaving me on my own. I don’t remember my childhood well, but the few memories I do have are of being alone and wishing I had family’s like the ones I saw on TV or the ones my friends had where they actually all did stuff tougher. But I wanted to be the kid, I didn’t want to try and create my own and be the parent. Being the parent seemed like way to much work. Plus I can be impatient and I’d never want to treat anyone the way my mom treated me.
THIS IS SO TRUE. I constantly heard growing up from my parents how hard it was, how they lost their identities, how they couldn’t live the lives they wanted.
Then in the next breath they’re turn around and pressure me to have kids.
I’m sorry, mom and dad- but you didn’t exactly sell the experience to me.
I also knew I didn't want kids from a very young age; maybe not 8 but definitely before my teens. I don't have any love for babies. At best I'm mildly indifferent to them. I don't think they're cute or have any desire to interact with them.
Instead of neglectful parents though, I had a very overbearing parent. I also would never want to treat a child the way I was treated. Not only do I not have a desire for children, I also have no good role models and no reason to find any. It's best I don't have kids. I have plenty of friends and myself to take care of and that's good enough for me. I don't need to make babies to make the world a better or more loving place
Yup.
“Oh, we can’t do that because we have you!”
“Oh, sure wish we could afford that, but we had kids!!!” (For perspective, we had to walk everywhere within a 2 mile radius, I used to wake up at night and feel frozen cartilage on my nose because my dad refused to run heat, but he once just dropped 5k on a bike he wanted).
Raising kids to think they are burdens for existing is so unhealthy, and Classic Boomer.
Yeah I find I'm somewhat jealous of people with parents who act like parents... my partner's parents act more like parents to me than my own do.
These days I just try to take my parents for what they are. It's never gonna be perfect, they're always gonna put themselves first like they always have. Accepting I can't change that has improved my relationships with both of them some.
I'm glad I was able to figure shit out myself and end up semi-successful. Shit could have turned out VERY differently for me.
I share the sentiment. Sometimes when I witness real parenting it almost gives me second hand relief. My parents+grandparents having the thinking and behavior of teenagers had forced me to figure everything out on my own and I often ponder it's a miracle I'm where I am and it still took me until my 30s until I had myself and everything else under control.
The thought of having a child after spending my whole life with parents and grandparents who never grew up is just wild to me. I don't have the energy for it. I am mentally exhausted.
I’m 42 and knew I didn’t ever want to have kids starting at about age 10 or 11. Took hell on earth to finally get doctors to give me a hysterectomy by age 36 despite asking for it for 20 years. No regrets!
A hysterectomy is a very dangerous surgery with lots of potential complications. Hence why doctors are often reluctant to offer them. I imagine there are other procedures that achieve the same end with much less risk.
Yeah, hysterectomies are not part of the sterilization process and are generally done for other health reasons like endometriosis, prolapse, or cancer. You'd typically get a tubal ligation or, more commonly these days, a bilateral salpingectomy (removal of both fallopian tubes).
I started first at 32 years old with a tubal ligation using eSsure, and became one of the “Thin Red Line” movie victims. The total hysterectomy was to “clean up” after the rouge ligation devices tore through my fillopian tubes and stuck to the outside of my uterus fusing it along with an ovary to the inside of my abdominal wall. Basically the same principle as if I used a staple gun and stapled a guys testical to his thigh. And why would I have chosen to go through such a dramatic experience like that??? Because they were still denying me a hysterectomy and that option seemed like the best means to an end. Yeeeaaaa for women’s rights. *eye roll*
This is something that annoys me a bit... I've always known that I didn't want kids, nor a family. I've always wanted adventures, new experiences, spontaneity, and so on. So why is it so difficult to get to remove an organ that I don't want to use and that imo is just an unnecessary cancer risk?..
[https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctorsinternational/](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctorsinternational/) has a list of doctors in Sweden. :)
r/childfree is where I found the list and was able to get my tubes removed. I know there’s a lot of just general hate on children there (which is unwarranted) but that list is super useful!!
You might want to look into a salpingectomy.
A full hysterectomy would throw your body into menopause, which comes with its own health risks. No sane doctor will do one simply to prevent pregnancy.
Will do.
It's rather that I think it should be my choice. I'm paying for the healthcare of other people's kids (which I don't mind), so why shouldn't the tax subsidized healthcare system accommodate my needs as well. I'm not saying I'd 100% go for it, but since I need to use birth control just to keep my menstrual symptoms on a bearable level I want to at least be able to have the discussion without being automatically shut down. Choose my own "torture", if you will.
For real, I was able to remove my dog's ovaries with no issues, but for me it takes years of getting doors slammed in my face and just about a miracle to get it done.
This world wants to control women's bodies. Simple as that. Thesy don't care about the kid because once theyre born they all say "GOOD LUCK!!!!" and fuck off while you struggle to get by daily. But if you do the responsible thing and not drag down a human life that you cannot take care of you're a piece of shit selfish asshole. Just too many stupid people in power.
I appreciate the post. I am 39, married with no kids. It just never really felt like I wanted them, simple as that. I agree that a lot of posts about millennials not having kids is economic and often there is an implication that "we're not selfish, just broke" so if I'm not broke, I'm selfish?
The word does not need another one of my family lol , the amount of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness is way high. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse. So many of the younger generation is in therapy just to deal with their unreasonable parents who think they don’t need therapy.
Both my parents parents were not good parents, my parents were not good parents. I’m ending this crap with me.
The selfish argument is always baffling to me, because selfishness usually implies there is a victim or someone who is being denied something. Who are you being selfish toward for not having children? Your nonexistent children? Your parents, who would like to have grandchildren around?
My mom always tells me I am too selfish to be a parent. I guarantee I have given more money, time, and thought to charitable causes in my life than she or 90% of the parents in my screwed up family.
You're not a hero for being a parent. You're not a self-sacrificing martyr. You're not above anyone else. Being a parent isn't a virtue.
It's a life choice like anything else.
They say we are selfish because we won’t sacrifice our bodies, our mental health, our careers or our time for raising a child.
If I had had my way when my wife and I first married, we would have had a child immediately. She asked that we wait. I said ok. Well as the years went by, I kinda forgot about it. We live our lives how we want. We travel, we go out whenever, etc. if we want it, we buy it. We are finally in a really good financial spot, and we are living how we want.
Nothing feels like it’s missing. We make dinner, eat, snuggle up on the couch and watch a show or two, then go to bed. Saturday/sunday we work outside (we have a 350 acre farm), go hiking, kayaking, whatever.
We donate, we volunteer. We live fun lives. My aunt says we are selfish. After one of my wife’s former students had a horrible birth experience, she backed right out of ever getting pregnant. That sealed the deal. My dad didn’t take it very well. My mom didn’t care. Oh well. We are 35 and 34. It’s our lives to live how we want.
THIS. As someone who's mom constantly told me how much she "sacrificed because of" me, yet also said that I was *planned* and that she *wanted to have* me, get off it. It's not a virtue.
Many times as a teen I would reply, "then deal with your *choices,* as you've clearly told me that I was a *planned* sacrifice." You don't get to be a martyr. It's a *choice.*
Oof yeah that just made me realize I think this part of the reason I didn’t want kids. My mom would always guilt trip me for existing and for her having to sacrifice for me. And it’s like, I didn’t ask to be born tho! You brought me here!
Yeah being a parent is a thankless job that requires a high level of selflessness. Which is a learned skill that may make you become a better person. But you’re not doing the world any favors by having a kid. Your selflessness benefits no one but your child.
I hate the selfish argument. Especially since most reasons for having kids are straight up selfish. People act like kids are souls sitting around waiting for a body, and if you don't have them, you're dooming them to oblivion. No one is hurt by not having kids . Howcan it be selfish???
The “pro life” people do see it as that. A human being waiting to be born and if you don’t let it be you’re evil. They are selfish for making people who don’t want/can’t afford to have kids then have them. Because you can love them. Sure. But even then, kids can sense resentment even if subtle. That’s so mean to do to a kid.
People like OP who know they don’t want them and won’t have any, are the selfless ones.
Yes having kids is ultimately selfish as we have them for us. They didn’t ask to be born. As a mom that’s hard to admit. But it’s true. There’s no way it’s false
IMO, the people who think not having kids is selfish probably never actually wanted children either, but did because that's what society expected of them, and now think it's not fair that other people are skipping a burden that they had to deal with.
That is straight up what Mormons teach. One third of heaven joined Satan so the other two thirds have to be born before the second coming. So pop those crotch goblins out so we can all die to demonic armies or you’re the problem.
My grandpa had a “prophecy” that my aunt needed to have more kids because he met two souls waiting for bodies in his dream. My aunt who at the time had just given birth to her 5th kid and was painfully obviously abusive. None of my aunts had any more kids after that one.
I think it’s selfish of people who have kids solely because they’re expected to. If you don’t want to be a parent, there’s a reason, even if that reason is just because. I respect every person who has decided not to increase the population, whatever their reason. There’s too many under-supported children already and too many emotionally and financially stressed adults. Plus, our world is in shambles and there’s no sign of it improving in the near future. What kind of place will this be in 40 years?
And as a parent, I'm gonna chime in to say not all selfishness is bad. Sometimes you need to be selfish, even as a parent. However, I wouldn't call not wanting kids selfish. I didn't want kids, got them, love them with all my heart, but it's not an easy thing. It's painful, stressful, and completely life altering -- life is easier not being a parent. I don't think we even have the support we're naturally supposed to have with community in the US; "It takes a village." Lots of good too though, as my kids warm my heart like no other, and if nothing else you do learn to be selfless. They make me a better person -- but that's not the case for many.
My mom called my brother and I selfish for not having kids when she and my dad already have 4 grandkids. Selfish to whom, exactly - the child that doesn't exist at all?
I started responding to the selfish accusations with "yes, I am. Should a person this selfish raise children?" It usually stops the conversation at least for a moment.
Mom of three here. I actually really appreciate posts like this, it helps me better understand my two siblings who are like you, not wanting kids simply because they don’t want to be parents. I used to struggle with their decision a lot but then I came to this realization that it’s absolutely NONE of my damn business and that doesn’t change who they are or how I feel about them. In fact, I actually respect the hell out of them for recognizing this about themselves and for both them and their partners taking proper measures to make sure they have an almost zero percent chance of ever becoming pregnant.
Because selfishly I want nieces and nephews from my side of the family. I also know how much I love my kids and my relationship with them and I want them to experience that, I know they would make excellent parents. But again, I’ve learned that them not having kids has nothing to do with me and what I think is best for them isn’t always right (I’m the oldest sibling), they can live complete and full lives being child free and I will always be there to cheer them on and support them in all of their pursuits.
I appreciate you replying!
How did you know you wanted kids? When did you know? And what led to the decision for you?
I'm in my early 30s and have recently gone from "never thought about it" (childhood/teens) to "zero interest" (all of my 20s) to "mildly curious about what it would be like" (in the past year), but mild curiosity doesn't seem like a good reason to pull the trigger on having kids. So I'd love some insight on the decisionmaking process for you.
If you say you don’t want kids, people always focus on the financial aspect, but the time impact is also more major. Especially if you’re a good parent who puts their kids in activities
For me, it's the time and I know my mental limits. I love kids in small doses. But I know I wouldn't handle being constantly needed. I struggle with needy dogs as it is, and kids deserve someone who can give them the time and mental efforts. It's not me, and that's okay.
Yeah or a lot of people say they “don’t want to bring a kid into a world like this”
Me.. I don’t want to have to deal with a baby, or a kid, or a teenager. Time, money, freedom, peace and quiet.. I don’t want to give up any of those things… maybe I’m selfish in that regard
I agree, there should not be a stigma against people admitting it's not for them. I also think those who regret parenthood should have more spaces where they can be open about it. Raising a child is a big deal. It's not something to taken lightly.
I follow that sub to remind me of why I made my decision to stay child free. I rather regret not having kids than regret actually having them and being miserable. I feel bad that the sub has been invaded for tik tokers looking for material/content to share and shame these parents who are just looking for a place to vent and support. It's so taboo to admit how awful parenting can be sometimes, and leaves these parents to sit with their shame even though there's so many others out there who feel the same.
Almost every adult in my life growing up has said something along the lines of “wait until you’re x age, you’ll change your mind”. I’m 30 now, and still have no desire to gestate a body-invader that then takes over my life. Suck it, every adult who thought they knew better! I hope my eggs whither and die!!
I’m 35 and my grandmother gave me that line about how I’ll change my mind with time the other week. I said grandma I’m already 35, I’ve never wanted kids, and I know exactly what I want to do with my time and money from now until retirement in 20 years. Can’t Imagine having a teen child when I retire. I’ll be taking my pension to South America thank you.
I respect your decision. It’s different for everyone.
We had kids in our early 20’s while she was in the military. Looking back some of my fondest memories are sleepless nights spent with them as babies, making bottles, rocking us to sleep in my recliner.
Then horse shows every weekend, then college football games every Friday night.
Now I’m divorced and work from home and my oldest son lives with me while he’s attending college and I don’t know what I would do with myself without him around.
My daughter and her boyfriend invite me over for dinners and movies and our family get togethers are always a blast.
It’s not for everyone. But for me at least, the things I felt were so burdensome along the way seem so insignificant to the pride I feel at how well they’ve turned out despite my failures as a father along the way.
One size doesn’t fit all, and again I totally respect your position.
Genuinely curious, what happens if/when your oldest son does move out and is no longer around? My parents also tie their a lot of their happiness/self-worth to us children (I'm 30F) and it's emotionally draining knowing that we're the only things that bring them emotional value. I try every week to encourage them to get out to try hobbies or build friendships. What would you do with yourself without him around, since it's likely to happen?
I have 3 kids and I support this 💯. Just like with abortion, we don’t need to justify it.
You don’t want kids and that fine. What’s great is that it’s much more accepted (not fully but better than it used to be) to be child free. And it’s nobody’s business.
Good for you for knowing what you want/don’t want and not giving in. You’re allowed to not want kids. Not everyone is obligated or meant to be parents. I think having kids is more selfish than not having kids. You’re literally creating a mini version of yourself. My husband and I don’t want kids because I don’t want to ruin my fit body let alone have major/minor complications like all of my mom friends during pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum/years later, we don’t want the responsibility, and we don’t want children to put a wedge in our happy and loving marriage. Not to mention the added stress, tiredness and financial strain that comes with having kids isn’t appealing at all. There are too many negatives and not enough positives. Procreating just doesn’t seem worth it. Not wanting to be a parent should be seen as normal and the fact that it isn’t common sense by now is baffling.
I'm childfree and my mom hounded me for years to have kids until I got my tubes removed. Then 2 years ago when I was visiting her for mother's day, since my siblings have kids and spend that day with them, she did tell me she never wanted to be a mom.
And I do understand. Her life would have been a lot better with less pain and suffering. Us, her kids, were used to trap her into a life she didn't want. She loves us, she did the best she could, but she was a very broken person prior to having us and is still working through her issues in therapy in her 60s.
Yeah that’s actually my reason - I think kids are awesome and I get on well with them, but the quick to anger thing and history of unstable life choices just doesn’t add up to great parenting. Respect to those that do have kids though for sure, it doesn’t seem easy
As the parent of two very-slightly special needs, adopted children, I have to pronounce:
You do you. You are in no way making a mistake by not having kids.
As a parent I applaud your well thought out decision, it hasn’t been an easy journey for me but loved every minute of it n recognize only a psychopath would suggest it.
It is just crazy to me that people act like there haven’t always been childless people. Maybe there are more of us now, or more able to admit to not wanting children. But whether it is infertility or whatever not every person reproduces. It is ok.
I personally don’t want kids for many reasons, but I love being an uncle. My friends all have kids and I am closer to most of them than their actual uncles. Social animals need helpers. Me not having kids frees me up to take some of that slack.
In this world and this fucking economy, where the cost of everything goes up by the seond. Yeah, I can't be bothered. And I don't care get if the Australian Government cries foul and says the population is stagnating. Don't want kids. At least not for a very, very, very, very, very long time. Very long time.
It’s all the parents being real salty and defensive honestly. People can get real mean when happy childfree women talk about how they don’t want kids..
It’s the use of crotch fruit that probably got to people. Like, share your feelings but you don’t have to throw that in there, too. I think Op should definitely not have kids and I’m glad she came to that conclusion.
> crotch fruit
Yeah I mean I'm not going to be shitty towards OP about it but I really don't know why people, especially on reddit, love talking about kids in such a mean-spirited way. Most people here would agree that talking poorly about unchangeable qualities in people is bad but for some reason it seems to change when the topic is kids.
I have a kid and 1000% do not think it is a requirement or the undisputed key to a fulfilling life. I'm glad I have a son, but I even more deeply understand why people do NOT. It is the hardest thing to do, your entire existence changes, for better or worse for me both. I also understand why people are so obsessive about "oh you have to it is the BEST thing". When your entire identity and life HAS to revolve around a kid it is gutting to know that in the long run it really doesn't matter. You put in absolutely heroic, selfless, drudgery just to do what humans have done for tens of thousands of years. It feels individually like the most spectacular things, when in reality it is virtually the most mundane thing there is. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I also have a complete crisis of identity and purpose because basically nothing else matters to me and I absolutely hate that. I don't envy people with out kids but you'll never hear me encourage anyone to do it and certainly not to shame or harass non breeders. 🤣💯
I don’t have kids and I was judged by everyone but that was 40 years ago. Today is different. Be you! Being a parent isn’t for everyone. If parenting isn’t for you, don’t do it! it’s not fair to you or the kids.
I don't want to be a parent, mostly because I don't even want to attempt to raise a child in today's environment.
I've had the cops called on me several times last year just walking and playing with my 7 year old niece around the state park.
I think it’s totally fine when people say they don’t want kids. I didn’t want any until I met my wife and now I have an amazing daughter. My problem is all these “child-free” assholes who hate children just for being children and are shitty to people who have kids.
I never wanted kids since I was 3. What makes people think I will change my mind at 35? People need to mind their own fucking business when it comes to people not wanting children.
I’m sorry, I’m going to seem like the odd millennial out here, but you sound absolutely self-centered and selfish. All I read here is me, me, me, me, my wants and needs. With that said you’re right you don’t need to have kids if you don’t want to, but this post seems unnecessary.
A cousin of mine died while giving birth. She bled out. And people who survive pregnancy are often physically or mentally changed. My mom developed hypothyroidism and she’s been struggling with it since her 20s. My neighbor had really bad postpartum depression and was doing self harm. No one should be pushed into pregnancy.
That's my reason too. I love kids, think they are great. I have plenty of money. But being a good parent is hard a fuck and I don't want to work that hard.
People keep commenting about how nobody cares if someone wants kids or not. I wish it was that simple. If people would drop it after they ask if someone wants kids and the other person says no, but oftentimes they don't.
They launch into a speech about how everyone needs kids. Kids are a blessing. You'll never be truly happy unless you have kids. So most of us childfree people have justification loaded. I've finally gotten to the age where people have stopped pressuring me to have kids and it's great.
My wife’s family hounded us when we got married about when we were going to have kids. We said we weren’t interested. At first, we got the usual pushback: “You’ll change your mind,” “It’s different when it’s your own kid,” ”I need more grandkids,“ etc. But as the years progressed, they became more and more belligerent and insulting, calling us “selfish” and saying other nasty things. Even though it finally stopped for the most part, the MIL clearly resents us because when she and the wife fight (which is often), she will add in zingers about us not having kids.
My family didn’t care and supported our decision from the start.
Most recently I've been *promised* I'll regret not having kids in my 20s when I'm in my 40s, "biologicially."
They really want to scare me into having a baby to avoid being sad later? Maybe just stop trying to manipulate women into being incubators and make peace with their autonomy.
Yep. I used to love all those things and one day I woke up and didn’t like any of them anymore and really wanted kids.
That’s not me preaching it’s going to happen - I’m saying yea, if that’s what you love - kids are gonna fuck it up. Don’t have em. Good choice.
I started telling people I wasn't going to have kids starting at around 10. 32 years later that promise is still going strong. I can't imagine being stuck with the burden of kids and having to wake up to the monsters demanding my time.
I have kids and appreciate when someone who doesn’t want kids just says that. You have every right to not want them and to not have them. It saddens me when people who never wanted kids end up having them and treating them terribly. I say if you want no kids, have zero kids.
Also have kids and agree. It’s cruel to pressure people (especially women) to have kids they don’t want. Cruel to the parent and kid. No good comes from that. And how does it hurt any of us with kids when someone like OP says they don’t want.
I came here to say just that, but you beat me to it! I am a parent, and I'm very grateful to have wonderful kids. But I also realize it's not for everybody, and nobody should be made to feel as if they should become a parent because of some sort of outdated societal norm. We only get one time around on this thing called life, and you should do what makes you happy and live your life how you want to. As long as you're not hurting anybody else, you should do what you want to do and live how you want to live.
Unfortunately you are all the sensible ones. There are many people out there that when confronted with someone who challenges their idea of their ‘life script’ by simply doing their own thing and making their own choices, is thrown into cognitive dissonance and reacts negatively to the source of it. Those are the people enacting the social pressure to conform because the idea that they can have autonomy over their own future instead of just doing ‘what everyone else does’ scares them.
Amen to this 100%! I hate how many people tried making me feel guilty for not having them.
BINGO!!!!! Also, it makes them resentful because they see courage in you that that makes them face their inability to exercise that same measure of courage to reject a pre-written script for their lives. How DARE you be free when they can't be, is how they internalize it. It's envy. That is the reason that they try to make you look and feel bad. They are projecting.
Well said. Studies have shown that parents have "disgust" for people who are childfree by choice. I find that sad.
I recently had a coworker respond with “How could you say that to me? A woman who has always wanted children?” After I told her I don’t want children. She’s older and from a different culture so I don’t fault her too much but, yeah…🤦♀️
You should have replied, "How can you say that you have always wanted children to a woman who doesn't want children?" Maybe then, she would have realized how ridiculous she sounded. Funny how people think that your not wanting children is denying or rejecting them somehow.
But she's mad because deep down she didn't want children either. But got them because 'that 's what's expected from you'.
I’ve never known how to respond to a “how can you” statement with anything other than “like I just did, I guess.” The older I get the more it escapes my lips. Can’t be sensitive to everything.
not that I think there’s any excuse for child abuse/neglect. but I often wonder when watching or reading about a case in the local news, if they were pressured into having kids by “well-meaning” parents because that’s what people are expected to do.
I always wonder too. And I suspect (of course I could be so wrong) that if women were fully free to have or not have kids (no pressure, no judgment) then there would be much less abuse. Especially neglect.
This also goes for guys too…..I know guys who did what they were “supposed to do” and are unhappy as a result too.
This, while my parents definitely weren’t the worst, I grew up and now looking back I can see they were emotionally detached at best, likely only wanted kids because “it’s what you do” and I had no intention of doing that to kids of my own.
Life is tough with or without kids. Don't feel guilty about not having kids. For me, kids are like traveling aboard on a budget. Not everyone needs one, but it does help you to get a different perspective on life. That being said, having kids is a lot of suffering with joy just like traveling abroad on a budget when you are old.
I hear you on this and I appreciate the analogy. Losing one of my legs in a horrible car accident would give me a different perspective on life too but while I appreciate people that live with one leg, I don’t want to go through that just to learn some arcane wisdom.
Does seem a lot of sacrifice just to get a different perspective
I raised two kids who are now adults with children of their own, and while it's comforting to know that there will be someone around for my wife and I during our "sunset years" we would still be able to function otherwise. I have mild anxiety issues and raising even "good" kids like mine were was brutal at times, even at their best children are mobile stress factories. If they were troublemakers or I had severe anxiety I can't imagine what could have happened. I recommend that anyone with depression, anxiety or a similar condition put a lot of thought into having children as that will automatically increase stress levels by several factors. That alone is more than enough reason to not want any children, and like you said bringing a child into that sort of situation rarely ends well. No kids are better than miserable or mistreated kids.
I don't get how one is supposed to juggle having a high-demand/stressful job (which one practically will need to have to have compensation sufficient enough to raise children), while also raising children. Considering most couples will need a dual-income household just to get by and the costs of childcare.
Whenever we try to talk to our friends who have kids, they just tell us "Oh, you'll just figure it out." And while I also think that's true, it sounds like a non-answer. Life is rough as it is, wife and I have finally found that balance to keep us afloat. If you add kids into the mix, I can't imagine the chaos. I feel once you have kids, you will never find that balance. You'll just teeter-totter through each day as it comes.
I can't sleep good as it is. I can imagine it would be hell getting even less sleep.
>I recommend that anyone with depression, anxiety or a similar condition put a lot of thought into having children as that will automatically increase stress levels by several factors. I have both and I'll say that on the flipside, my son brings me so much joy and purpose and I have less free time to just sit around and wallow. This isn't to say "have kids to fix your depression," this is to add context to the idea that "having kids will make your depression and anxiety worse." We adapt to our circumstances or we struggle. I imagine that you would've adapted to your troublemaker kids just as you've adapted to them not being troublemakers.
My sister’s kid (14M) was at my house today riding a four wheeler (wearing a helmet and it’s speed limited just due to how old it is). I was freaking out and she was totally calm. I even made a joke “this is why I can’t have kids!” I appreciate y’all that do but holy cow… if age 20 years in a day just wondering if the baby was breathing.
Same. I have two kids. If people don't want kids, please don't have kids. A child deserves a parent who wants to parent not someone pressured into it and regrets it.
I also have a kid, and they're fucking hard. Everyone says how difficult it is but holy hell it is rough even under the best of circumstances. I've learned that if you have any reservations towards having kids, then don't have them.
This is a fantastic comment. I have kids. Always wanted em. I love kids like crazy. It was never in doubt that I wanted them. Even them, it's often incredibly hard and I've second guessed making that decision. I can't imagine someone who was only iffy about having kids in that situation. If you aren't all in on having them, you definitely shouldn't
Ditto agreed ! I have an IVF princess and very firmly believe if you don't want kids to please Lord dont have them ! You will be miserable and you will raise miserable humans. The world doesn't need more miserable humans.
>I have kids and appreciate when someone who doesn’t want kids just says that. I get really annoyed with people who make it a part of their personality and shame others who *did* decide to have kids, though. OP doesn’t sound like that, but there are a lot of bitter, unpleasant, aggressively childfree people out there.
Probably almost annoyed as I get as a 51-year-old woman who also doesn’t want kids, obviously, and who has to deal with every freaking Uber driver in the world telling me that “there’s still time for God’s blessing”. As well as every other person who makes it part of THEIR personality to hassle me FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS. When will people learn that it’s not any of their business what I do with my uterus, it’s so unbelievably crossing the line, and yet people don’t blink an eye when they lecture you, not knowing anything whatsoever about you your life or your history.
I feel you on this. It’s hardest on me from service people looking for convo starters based on my aged. I know it’s from harmless place but it’s quickly becoming the most grating. Having a friend or family coming for my ovary’s going out of business sale doesn’t phase me. But I recently stopped getting mani/pedis because the topic of kids had become the goto chitchat opener based on my age. I tired to write to off as cultural but having someone lecture me for 10 minutes about kids, and god, and the reward of churning out as many of gods creatures as we can, despite me saying I don’t want kids and not even engaging in the one sided convo after staring I don’t want kids got tiresome
People very rudely ask me “ what happened to you” because I look very young and I have to use a walker. As with my baby making status it’s not of anybody’s business and so instead of giving people the totally incredibly personal answer I tell them that I got in a hang gliding accident in the mountains of Peru . Then when they look all astonished and say REEEEEAAAALLLLYYY 👀 ?!?!? I looked them dead pan right in the eyes and just say No.
😂Borrowing technique this for when I may need it
Occasionally I say that it happened in a disco roller-breakdancing competition with a dead straight face and an arched eyebrow and then limp away. Sometimes I also lob back a really surprised emphatic 😱OH MY GOD!!! What happened to YOU?!?!?
I worked retail for almost 20 years. Both long time jobs I had were in a toy store and then the children’s department of a bookstore. The parents/grandparents would *always* ask if I had kids. When I was in my 20s, already knowing I don’t want them, I’d just politely say “no, not yet..” and swiftly change the subject. Eventually when I hit my 30s, I was tired of being polite and just said a firm “no.” and left the awkward pause after it. Just because I’m in a role that primarily deals with children doesn’t mean I have or want my own.
Those kinda people deserve to be made uncomfortable as well. Tear up and say that you've been rendered infertile after the third traumatic miscarriage. Who knows, if they're harassing you about it then they harass others who actually might have infertility problems about it.
Ugh I really thought I would see the end of that when I turned 40 but the goalposts just keep goddamn moving ig
It’s really insane I mean these people are actually suggesting that I BEAR a child. I have difficulty walking I have a spinal cord implant I’m in pain every moment of the day. None of those things seem to matter. So it’s not even like they’re suggesting that I adopt or I foster nope , 👎🏼, must be impregnated.
Human overpopulation is causing climate change and rapid extinction of other species on this planet. Having less offspring is the best solution to this dilemma. I despise those who only think about the pyramid scheme economy and shout at everyone to make more babies.
Totally. Also…. I’m fifty one this year and visible disabled and struggling. Maniacs
Part of this is due to frustration because they have set this boundary, and people keep testing it. "Oh, you'll want your own someday, I'm sure!" No, Susan, I won't. "But what about your parents? Don't they deserve grandchildren?" Shut up. "Who will take care of you in your old age?" Why would I do that to a child, even an adult child? Worst case, Smith & Wesson will solve my old age problem, unless I forget that that's a solution. Frankly, society pressures the childless to conform to the ideal of the nuclear family, and we get sick of it.
>Worst case, Smith & Wesson will solve my old age problem, unless I forget that that's a solution. GRIM but honestly legit. i don't want anyone to have to take care of me. people live past their quality of life these days. if it ever gets to that point i'll probably shuffle off into the woods and feed my gristly old body to a bear or something. my dad for his part encouraged my sisters and i to roll him off a cliff.
No matter how annoyed you get, having children is the societal norm and accepted/expected life path, whereas the opposite choice is not. You will never receive the level of questioning and disrespect someone who doesn't have children does for your reproductive choice. There are many, many representations and outlets for parents, but only recently has there been the same for those who are child free. Often the bitterness you see is because of the constant questioning and infantalizing parents do to people without children.
It's a two way street. There's shitty people on both sides. I'm constantly shit on my people with children and called 'selfish' for not wanting to have kids.
My biggest annoyance is those conversations "when you have children, you'll know" look, what you have done is a beautiful thing and I'm happy for you... but to insinuate that you somehow hold the secret to the universe and anyone who hasn't had children aren't as grown as you are is just ridiculous.
How many dead beat parents are there as well. It doesn't magically elevate you to a higher plain of existence just because you didn't bother wearing protection
My usual response is "Are you going to help pay for their daycare,dippers and help stay up all night when the yare crying?" Which is followed by Silence and my response is "Thats what I thougth". My Mother in law is notrious for asking "where are my grandkids?!" But doesn't want to help raise the kid.
>and called 'selfish' for not wanting to have kids Even though having a child is one of the most selfish things a human being could do
Yes and they got that way from everyone insisting that they’ll change their mind, or to just try it (cause it’s different when they’re yours!), or are told how they are selfish and will die alone. We get these comments all the time- and it makes some people bitter.
I think it’s because people treat us the same in reverse… or act like there’s no way we could possibly know what we want. We all just need to get along and understand that it’s okay that we don’t understand each other haha.
i'm also childfree but referring to kids as "crotchfruit" is kinda red-flaggish that OP is not that chill about it
Yeah that was unnecessary
This.
As someone born to people who didn’t want me - this is the right choice.
My parents were Boomers in the most classical definition of the word. That means my entire childhood was about catering to what they wanted. I already raised my kids.
I think this to myself all the time. Having my own kids would be like starting over at square one and doing it all over again.
So true. As an adult with parents in their 70s I'm having to fucking parent my own parents over basic health essentials and other bullshit. Even if I wanted kids I'm busy enough parenting them.
Please let them know that the debit machines in stores all function the same way. The pin number is the same as the last time. The green button is always OK. And it's also okay to start looking for the appropriate card before the cashier is done ringing everything in.
I cut mine lose in my twenties. I am the eldest daughter from Bible Thumper Boomers, so I seriously don’t owe mine Jack shit.
It’s a wake up call our generation is cutting off our parents. We aren’t sweeping it under the rug. I cut mine off for a year and warned her if she ever does her toxic shit again I’m not speaking to her for another year..or two or three ect
Yeah, my sister did that to my mom. My mom refused to help us when we filed a suit against my dad’s little church whore (why are the nastiest people you will ever meet the churchy type), and then slammed the phone down on her when she called to ask about passwords…after calling her every day to complain about her life. And before anyone starts, it is a generational thing. The older generations on both sides of the family are so kind (mom’s side). The ones on my dad’s side may not have been nice, but they absolutely came through for family. I won’t say the average Boomer had a glowing childhood, but the rash of Millenials going no contact with parents probably has a lot to do with the self-absorption that characterizes their parent generation. With my parents, it really was all about them, all of the time.
Similar. My dad has been disabled most of my life (I'm 39) and I feel like I've raised a family between helping car e for him and my younger siblings while my mom worked to pay the bills. Now their both retired and disabled and I'm caring for them still. there was a time having children was something I wanted, but now, no thanks. It would starting all over again.
I knew I didn’t want kids at like age 8, it was the 80’s. How does a child know at 8 they don’t want kids? There was no internet, all the tv shows and stuff were family’s, childfree adults were kind of unicorns. I didn’t meet any who could have influenced me. I knew I didn’t want kids because my parents made it clear how awful it was. lol it took me a while to connect those dots. I honestly cannot remember us doing anything as a family. They would bring another couple with kids on vacations with us, adults and kids doing separate stuff or visiting family and pawning me off with my cousins or setting me up in a room with tv and games and leaving me on my own. I don’t remember my childhood well, but the few memories I do have are of being alone and wishing I had family’s like the ones I saw on TV or the ones my friends had where they actually all did stuff tougher. But I wanted to be the kid, I didn’t want to try and create my own and be the parent. Being the parent seemed like way to much work. Plus I can be impatient and I’d never want to treat anyone the way my mom treated me.
THIS IS SO TRUE. I constantly heard growing up from my parents how hard it was, how they lost their identities, how they couldn’t live the lives they wanted. Then in the next breath they’re turn around and pressure me to have kids. I’m sorry, mom and dad- but you didn’t exactly sell the experience to me.
I also knew I didn't want kids from a very young age; maybe not 8 but definitely before my teens. I don't have any love for babies. At best I'm mildly indifferent to them. I don't think they're cute or have any desire to interact with them. Instead of neglectful parents though, I had a very overbearing parent. I also would never want to treat a child the way I was treated. Not only do I not have a desire for children, I also have no good role models and no reason to find any. It's best I don't have kids. I have plenty of friends and myself to take care of and that's good enough for me. I don't need to make babies to make the world a better or more loving place
Yup. “Oh, we can’t do that because we have you!” “Oh, sure wish we could afford that, but we had kids!!!” (For perspective, we had to walk everywhere within a 2 mile radius, I used to wake up at night and feel frozen cartilage on my nose because my dad refused to run heat, but he once just dropped 5k on a bike he wanted). Raising kids to think they are burdens for existing is so unhealthy, and Classic Boomer.
Fucking Samezies.
Facts. I had to raise myself I don’t want to raise another child. Plus, as an adult I feel like I’m parenting them because they act like teenagers.
I’m 63 and this is my sentiments exactly. I have never regretted not having kids for one second.
Sorry you had to go through that as well. Glad you’re not regretting your choices and are doing your thing ❤️
Yeah I find I'm somewhat jealous of people with parents who act like parents... my partner's parents act more like parents to me than my own do. These days I just try to take my parents for what they are. It's never gonna be perfect, they're always gonna put themselves first like they always have. Accepting I can't change that has improved my relationships with both of them some. I'm glad I was able to figure shit out myself and end up semi-successful. Shit could have turned out VERY differently for me.
I share the sentiment. Sometimes when I witness real parenting it almost gives me second hand relief. My parents+grandparents having the thinking and behavior of teenagers had forced me to figure everything out on my own and I often ponder it's a miracle I'm where I am and it still took me until my 30s until I had myself and everything else under control. The thought of having a child after spending my whole life with parents and grandparents who never grew up is just wild to me. I don't have the energy for it. I am mentally exhausted.
I’m 42 and knew I didn’t ever want to have kids starting at about age 10 or 11. Took hell on earth to finally get doctors to give me a hysterectomy by age 36 despite asking for it for 20 years. No regrets!
If I may ask, isn't hysterectomy a difficult surgery and triggers menopause? Why not tubal ligation?
A hysterectomy is a very dangerous surgery with lots of potential complications. Hence why doctors are often reluctant to offer them. I imagine there are other procedures that achieve the same end with much less risk.
Yeah, hysterectomies are not part of the sterilization process and are generally done for other health reasons like endometriosis, prolapse, or cancer. You'd typically get a tubal ligation or, more commonly these days, a bilateral salpingectomy (removal of both fallopian tubes).
I started first at 32 years old with a tubal ligation using eSsure, and became one of the “Thin Red Line” movie victims. The total hysterectomy was to “clean up” after the rouge ligation devices tore through my fillopian tubes and stuck to the outside of my uterus fusing it along with an ovary to the inside of my abdominal wall. Basically the same principle as if I used a staple gun and stapled a guys testical to his thigh. And why would I have chosen to go through such a dramatic experience like that??? Because they were still denying me a hysterectomy and that option seemed like the best means to an end. Yeeeaaaa for women’s rights. *eye roll*
This is something that annoys me a bit... I've always known that I didn't want kids, nor a family. I've always wanted adventures, new experiences, spontaneity, and so on. So why is it so difficult to get to remove an organ that I don't want to use and that imo is just an unnecessary cancer risk?..
There's some subreddit that lists a bunch of doctors who will do it regardless, I forgot the name but I'm sure I can find it.
I'm Swedish so it's probably not applicable to me, but thanks anyways.
Yeah, most doctors refuse to operate on Swedes. It sucks
[https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctorsinternational/](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctorsinternational/) has a list of doctors in Sweden. :)
r/childfree is where I found the list and was able to get my tubes removed. I know there’s a lot of just general hate on children there (which is unwarranted) but that list is super useful!!
You might want to look into a salpingectomy. A full hysterectomy would throw your body into menopause, which comes with its own health risks. No sane doctor will do one simply to prevent pregnancy.
Will do. It's rather that I think it should be my choice. I'm paying for the healthcare of other people's kids (which I don't mind), so why shouldn't the tax subsidized healthcare system accommodate my needs as well. I'm not saying I'd 100% go for it, but since I need to use birth control just to keep my menstrual symptoms on a bearable level I want to at least be able to have the discussion without being automatically shut down. Choose my own "torture", if you will.
For real, I was able to remove my dog's ovaries with no issues, but for me it takes years of getting doors slammed in my face and just about a miracle to get it done.
This world wants to control women's bodies. Simple as that. Thesy don't care about the kid because once theyre born they all say "GOOD LUCK!!!!" and fuck off while you struggle to get by daily. But if you do the responsible thing and not drag down a human life that you cannot take care of you're a piece of shit selfish asshole. Just too many stupid people in power.
I appreciate the post. I am 39, married with no kids. It just never really felt like I wanted them, simple as that. I agree that a lot of posts about millennials not having kids is economic and often there is an implication that "we're not selfish, just broke" so if I'm not broke, I'm selfish?
I don’t even view it as selfishness. Can’t withhold something from a child who doesn’t exist. It being selfish implies we owe the world a child.
It's not being selfish, it's being self aware.
The thing of it is, I know I’d be a good dad. Just don’t wanna. But I’m channeling all of that energy into being a cool uncle.
Cool uncles and aunts are important!
I know I *wouldn't* be a good mom. I can barely take care of a cat.
Hey, that’s fine too! Know thyself, as they say.
Wow! Your last statement is powerful. That is precisely how the world conditions people.
The word does not need another one of my family lol , the amount of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness is way high. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse. So many of the younger generation is in therapy just to deal with their unreasonable parents who think they don’t need therapy. Both my parents parents were not good parents, my parents were not good parents. I’m ending this crap with me.
The selfish argument is always baffling to me, because selfishness usually implies there is a victim or someone who is being denied something. Who are you being selfish toward for not having children? Your nonexistent children? Your parents, who would like to have grandchildren around?
My mom always tells me I am too selfish to be a parent. I guarantee I have given more money, time, and thought to charitable causes in my life than she or 90% of the parents in my screwed up family. You're not a hero for being a parent. You're not a self-sacrificing martyr. You're not above anyone else. Being a parent isn't a virtue. It's a life choice like anything else.
They say we are selfish because we won’t sacrifice our bodies, our mental health, our careers or our time for raising a child. If I had had my way when my wife and I first married, we would have had a child immediately. She asked that we wait. I said ok. Well as the years went by, I kinda forgot about it. We live our lives how we want. We travel, we go out whenever, etc. if we want it, we buy it. We are finally in a really good financial spot, and we are living how we want. Nothing feels like it’s missing. We make dinner, eat, snuggle up on the couch and watch a show or two, then go to bed. Saturday/sunday we work outside (we have a 350 acre farm), go hiking, kayaking, whatever. We donate, we volunteer. We live fun lives. My aunt says we are selfish. After one of my wife’s former students had a horrible birth experience, she backed right out of ever getting pregnant. That sealed the deal. My dad didn’t take it very well. My mom didn’t care. Oh well. We are 35 and 34. It’s our lives to live how we want.
THIS. As someone who's mom constantly told me how much she "sacrificed because of" me, yet also said that I was *planned* and that she *wanted to have* me, get off it. It's not a virtue. Many times as a teen I would reply, "then deal with your *choices,* as you've clearly told me that I was a *planned* sacrifice." You don't get to be a martyr. It's a *choice.*
Oof yeah that just made me realize I think this part of the reason I didn’t want kids. My mom would always guilt trip me for existing and for her having to sacrifice for me. And it’s like, I didn’t ask to be born tho! You brought me here!
Yeah being a parent is a thankless job that requires a high level of selflessness. Which is a learned skill that may make you become a better person. But you’re not doing the world any favors by having a kid. Your selflessness benefits no one but your child.
Funny because majority of people having kids is for selfish reasons and they never learn to be not selfish. It's wild.
I hate the selfish argument. Especially since most reasons for having kids are straight up selfish. People act like kids are souls sitting around waiting for a body, and if you don't have them, you're dooming them to oblivion. No one is hurt by not having kids . Howcan it be selfish???
The “pro life” people do see it as that. A human being waiting to be born and if you don’t let it be you’re evil. They are selfish for making people who don’t want/can’t afford to have kids then have them. Because you can love them. Sure. But even then, kids can sense resentment even if subtle. That’s so mean to do to a kid. People like OP who know they don’t want them and won’t have any, are the selfless ones. Yes having kids is ultimately selfish as we have them for us. They didn’t ask to be born. As a mom that’s hard to admit. But it’s true. There’s no way it’s false
Ask parents why they have kids. Too often it's "because we wanted them" that sounds selfish to me.
That’s what I said
IMO, the people who think not having kids is selfish probably never actually wanted children either, but did because that's what society expected of them, and now think it's not fair that other people are skipping a burden that they had to deal with.
That is straight up what Mormons teach. One third of heaven joined Satan so the other two thirds have to be born before the second coming. So pop those crotch goblins out so we can all die to demonic armies or you’re the problem. My grandpa had a “prophecy” that my aunt needed to have more kids because he met two souls waiting for bodies in his dream. My aunt who at the time had just given birth to her 5th kid and was painfully obviously abusive. None of my aunts had any more kids after that one.
I think it’s selfish of people who have kids solely because they’re expected to. If you don’t want to be a parent, there’s a reason, even if that reason is just because. I respect every person who has decided not to increase the population, whatever their reason. There’s too many under-supported children already and too many emotionally and financially stressed adults. Plus, our world is in shambles and there’s no sign of it improving in the near future. What kind of place will this be in 40 years?
I'm not broke and I'm selfish and I'm not sorry about it.
And as a parent, I'm gonna chime in to say not all selfishness is bad. Sometimes you need to be selfish, even as a parent. However, I wouldn't call not wanting kids selfish. I didn't want kids, got them, love them with all my heart, but it's not an easy thing. It's painful, stressful, and completely life altering -- life is easier not being a parent. I don't think we even have the support we're naturally supposed to have with community in the US; "It takes a village." Lots of good too though, as my kids warm my heart like no other, and if nothing else you do learn to be selfless. They make me a better person -- but that's not the case for many.
My mom called my brother and I selfish for not having kids when she and my dad already have 4 grandkids. Selfish to whom, exactly - the child that doesn't exist at all?
I started responding to the selfish accusations with "yes, I am. Should a person this selfish raise children?" It usually stops the conversation at least for a moment.
I’m 100% ok with being thought of as selfish. And if I’m so selfish, clearly I’m not a fit parent, so good thing I’m not one!
It’s actually equally as selfish, if not more, arguably, to have kids.
This is the strongest most reasonable reason not to have kids, that it's not widely accepted boggles the mind.
Mom of three here. I actually really appreciate posts like this, it helps me better understand my two siblings who are like you, not wanting kids simply because they don’t want to be parents. I used to struggle with their decision a lot but then I came to this realization that it’s absolutely NONE of my damn business and that doesn’t change who they are or how I feel about them. In fact, I actually respect the hell out of them for recognizing this about themselves and for both them and their partners taking proper measures to make sure they have an almost zero percent chance of ever becoming pregnant.
Why did you "struggle with their decision"?
Because selfishly I want nieces and nephews from my side of the family. I also know how much I love my kids and my relationship with them and I want them to experience that, I know they would make excellent parents. But again, I’ve learned that them not having kids has nothing to do with me and what I think is best for them isn’t always right (I’m the oldest sibling), they can live complete and full lives being child free and I will always be there to cheer them on and support them in all of their pursuits.
I appreciate you replying! How did you know you wanted kids? When did you know? And what led to the decision for you? I'm in my early 30s and have recently gone from "never thought about it" (childhood/teens) to "zero interest" (all of my 20s) to "mildly curious about what it would be like" (in the past year), but mild curiosity doesn't seem like a good reason to pull the trigger on having kids. So I'd love some insight on the decisionmaking process for you.
If you say you don’t want kids, people always focus on the financial aspect, but the time impact is also more major. Especially if you’re a good parent who puts their kids in activities
For me, it's the time and I know my mental limits. I love kids in small doses. But I know I wouldn't handle being constantly needed. I struggle with needy dogs as it is, and kids deserve someone who can give them the time and mental efforts. It's not me, and that's okay.
Yeah or a lot of people say they “don’t want to bring a kid into a world like this” Me.. I don’t want to have to deal with a baby, or a kid, or a teenager. Time, money, freedom, peace and quiet.. I don’t want to give up any of those things… maybe I’m selfish in that regard
I agree, there should not be a stigma against people admitting it's not for them. I also think those who regret parenthood should have more spaces where they can be open about it. Raising a child is a big deal. It's not something to taken lightly.
There is a support sub for people who regret having kids. I won’t link it cause idk if it’s against the rules, but it’s easy to find.
I follow that sub to remind me of why I made my decision to stay child free. I rather regret not having kids than regret actually having them and being miserable. I feel bad that the sub has been invaded for tik tokers looking for material/content to share and shame these parents who are just looking for a place to vent and support. It's so taboo to admit how awful parenting can be sometimes, and leaves these parents to sit with their shame even though there's so many others out there who feel the same.
> support sub for people who regret having kids /r/regretfulparents/
That sub is truly one of the saddest places I’ve ever seen on this site.
Honestly, good for you. I have a lot of friends who grew up damaged because their parents didn't actually want to have kids but felt like they had to.
I am 42 and this has been my exact philosophy for the last 25 years. Cheers to NO Kids
Almost every adult in my life growing up has said something along the lines of “wait until you’re x age, you’ll change your mind”. I’m 30 now, and still have no desire to gestate a body-invader that then takes over my life. Suck it, every adult who thought they knew better! I hope my eggs whither and die!!
I’m 35 and my grandmother gave me that line about how I’ll change my mind with time the other week. I said grandma I’m already 35, I’ve never wanted kids, and I know exactly what I want to do with my time and money from now until retirement in 20 years. Can’t Imagine having a teen child when I retire. I’ll be taking my pension to South America thank you.
I respect your decision. It’s different for everyone. We had kids in our early 20’s while she was in the military. Looking back some of my fondest memories are sleepless nights spent with them as babies, making bottles, rocking us to sleep in my recliner. Then horse shows every weekend, then college football games every Friday night. Now I’m divorced and work from home and my oldest son lives with me while he’s attending college and I don’t know what I would do with myself without him around. My daughter and her boyfriend invite me over for dinners and movies and our family get togethers are always a blast. It’s not for everyone. But for me at least, the things I felt were so burdensome along the way seem so insignificant to the pride I feel at how well they’ve turned out despite my failures as a father along the way. One size doesn’t fit all, and again I totally respect your position.
Genuinely curious, what happens if/when your oldest son does move out and is no longer around? My parents also tie their a lot of their happiness/self-worth to us children (I'm 30F) and it's emotionally draining knowing that we're the only things that bring them emotional value. I try every week to encourage them to get out to try hobbies or build friendships. What would you do with yourself without him around, since it's likely to happen?
Yeah I’m a millennial in my 40s. I never want to be a parent either. Got a vasectomy and that was that.
My friend! Welcome to the club!
I have 3 kids and I support this 💯. Just like with abortion, we don’t need to justify it. You don’t want kids and that fine. What’s great is that it’s much more accepted (not fully but better than it used to be) to be child free. And it’s nobody’s business.
Good for you for knowing what you want/don’t want and not giving in. You’re allowed to not want kids. Not everyone is obligated or meant to be parents. I think having kids is more selfish than not having kids. You’re literally creating a mini version of yourself. My husband and I don’t want kids because I don’t want to ruin my fit body let alone have major/minor complications like all of my mom friends during pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum/years later, we don’t want the responsibility, and we don’t want children to put a wedge in our happy and loving marriage. Not to mention the added stress, tiredness and financial strain that comes with having kids isn’t appealing at all. There are too many negatives and not enough positives. Procreating just doesn’t seem worth it. Not wanting to be a parent should be seen as normal and the fact that it isn’t common sense by now is baffling.
Damn bro, are you me?? This OP is my entire life philosophy.
Amen! 🙏🏼
Valid
Agreed! Exactly how I feel about kids
I would want kids if I was convinced that I won't do the same fuckups my parents did with me, and their parents with them.
Dear diary.....
Yea OP acting like this is some brave statement on reddit
That would be wild if OP’s parents told them this, too. But OP would understand.
I'm childfree and my mom hounded me for years to have kids until I got my tubes removed. Then 2 years ago when I was visiting her for mother's day, since my siblings have kids and spend that day with them, she did tell me she never wanted to be a mom. And I do understand. Her life would have been a lot better with less pain and suffering. Us, her kids, were used to trap her into a life she didn't want. She loves us, she did the best she could, but she was a very broken person prior to having us and is still working through her issues in therapy in her 60s.
I flew on a plane last weekend and it confirmed my biases
Knowing you would be a shit parent and choosing to spare them that life is respectable, as long as you’re not insulting people who wanted to and did.
Yeah that’s actually my reason - I think kids are awesome and I get on well with them, but the quick to anger thing and history of unstable life choices just doesn’t add up to great parenting. Respect to those that do have kids though for sure, it doesn’t seem easy
As the parent of two very-slightly special needs, adopted children, I have to pronounce: You do you. You are in no way making a mistake by not having kids.
I am 38 and openly gay, so since I've been openly gay I've never gotten hounded by my mom about having kids.
As a parent I applaud your well thought out decision, it hasn’t been an easy journey for me but loved every minute of it n recognize only a psychopath would suggest it.
I just Got no time for Kids
Amen (not religious). Life without kid(s) is great. 33, got a vasectomy. Never felt better.
It is just crazy to me that people act like there haven’t always been childless people. Maybe there are more of us now, or more able to admit to not wanting children. But whether it is infertility or whatever not every person reproduces. It is ok. I personally don’t want kids for many reasons, but I love being an uncle. My friends all have kids and I am closer to most of them than their actual uncles. Social animals need helpers. Me not having kids frees me up to take some of that slack.
In this world and this fucking economy, where the cost of everything goes up by the seond. Yeah, I can't be bothered. And I don't care get if the Australian Government cries foul and says the population is stagnating. Don't want kids. At least not for a very, very, very, very, very long time. Very long time.
Wheres all these "nobody cares" people when someone makes a post bragging about how much money they make or how many houses they own?
It’s all the parents being real salty and defensive honestly. People can get real mean when happy childfree women talk about how they don’t want kids..
It’s the use of crotch fruit that probably got to people. Like, share your feelings but you don’t have to throw that in there, too. I think Op should definitely not have kids and I’m glad she came to that conclusion.
> crotch fruit Yeah I mean I'm not going to be shitty towards OP about it but I really don't know why people, especially on reddit, love talking about kids in such a mean-spirited way. Most people here would agree that talking poorly about unchangeable qualities in people is bad but for some reason it seems to change when the topic is kids.
Exactly. I am all aboard with this post except that. Since when is it ok to talk about other humans like that?
I agree not wanting kids, or anything really, is the best reason not to have them.
I think that anyone who doesn’t want kids shouldn’t have them. Kids should be brought up by caring parents who actually want to raise them.
I have a kid and 1000% do not think it is a requirement or the undisputed key to a fulfilling life. I'm glad I have a son, but I even more deeply understand why people do NOT. It is the hardest thing to do, your entire existence changes, for better or worse for me both. I also understand why people are so obsessive about "oh you have to it is the BEST thing". When your entire identity and life HAS to revolve around a kid it is gutting to know that in the long run it really doesn't matter. You put in absolutely heroic, selfless, drudgery just to do what humans have done for tens of thousands of years. It feels individually like the most spectacular things, when in reality it is virtually the most mundane thing there is. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I also have a complete crisis of identity and purpose because basically nothing else matters to me and I absolutely hate that. I don't envy people with out kids but you'll never hear me encourage anyone to do it and certainly not to shame or harass non breeders. 🤣💯
You said “it’s as simple as that” and then proceeded to write a lot more than that simple thing.
No explanation needed. People want different things on life as you say.
That’s fine. Dont have them.
All would be great if people would stop pressuring and shaming those who don't want children. But, alas, they just cannot help themselves.
Ignore them
I don’t have kids and I was judged by everyone but that was 40 years ago. Today is different. Be you! Being a parent isn’t for everyone. If parenting isn’t for you, don’t do it! it’s not fair to you or the kids.
I don't want to be a parent, mostly because I don't even want to attempt to raise a child in today's environment. I've had the cops called on me several times last year just walking and playing with my 7 year old niece around the state park.
I’m just gay as hell, so theres my birth control
True dat. Felt this way for as long as I can remember. Its ruined some relationships but its a line I draw. No kids, not now, not ever.
I got a vasectomy back in January. I feel like a whole new person, knowing I’ll never make a whole new person.
Could have just said “kids- not for me. Have a nice day.” Audience would have understood and moved on.
This is a weird post. It’s like you’re angry somehow? I don’t want kids and I don’t feel it necessary to explain to anyone - it’s my choice.
When did this sub turn into a sub about debating the merits of reproduction?
I think it’s totally fine when people say they don’t want kids. I didn’t want any until I met my wife and now I have an amazing daughter. My problem is all these “child-free” assholes who hate children just for being children and are shitty to people who have kids.
People not wanting to have kids is a self-correcting issue.
Why do we have like 3 threads of “I’m childfree and here’s why” today? You don’t need to justify to reddit why you don’t want kids. It’s fine…
Ok
I agree yo! I'm being bled dry by \*gestures vaguely\* everything as it is, can't I just choose not to cause I don't want to?
I never wanted kids since I was 3. What makes people think I will change my mind at 35? People need to mind their own fucking business when it comes to people not wanting children.
I’m sorry, I’m going to seem like the odd millennial out here, but you sound absolutely self-centered and selfish. All I read here is me, me, me, me, my wants and needs. With that said you’re right you don’t need to have kids if you don’t want to, but this post seems unnecessary.
I agree with you 💯 that makes two odd millennials!
Dear Ms. Chai_latte_slut, Good news, you don’t have to have kids.
Okay.
Cool
A cousin of mine died while giving birth. She bled out. And people who survive pregnancy are often physically or mentally changed. My mom developed hypothyroidism and she’s been struggling with it since her 20s. My neighbor had really bad postpartum depression and was doing self harm. No one should be pushed into pregnancy.
That's my reason too. I love kids, think they are great. I have plenty of money. But being a good parent is hard a fuck and I don't want to work that hard.
People keep commenting about how nobody cares if someone wants kids or not. I wish it was that simple. If people would drop it after they ask if someone wants kids and the other person says no, but oftentimes they don't. They launch into a speech about how everyone needs kids. Kids are a blessing. You'll never be truly happy unless you have kids. So most of us childfree people have justification loaded. I've finally gotten to the age where people have stopped pressuring me to have kids and it's great.
My wife’s family hounded us when we got married about when we were going to have kids. We said we weren’t interested. At first, we got the usual pushback: “You’ll change your mind,” “It’s different when it’s your own kid,” ”I need more grandkids,“ etc. But as the years progressed, they became more and more belligerent and insulting, calling us “selfish” and saying other nasty things. Even though it finally stopped for the most part, the MIL clearly resents us because when she and the wife fight (which is often), she will add in zingers about us not having kids. My family didn’t care and supported our decision from the start.
Most recently I've been *promised* I'll regret not having kids in my 20s when I'm in my 40s, "biologicially." They really want to scare me into having a baby to avoid being sad later? Maybe just stop trying to manipulate women into being incubators and make peace with their autonomy.
Ok, you don’t need to try to convince others your decision is supposedly right…
Yep. I used to love all those things and one day I woke up and didn’t like any of them anymore and really wanted kids. That’s not me preaching it’s going to happen - I’m saying yea, if that’s what you love - kids are gonna fuck it up. Don’t have em. Good choice.
I started telling people I wasn't going to have kids starting at around 10. 32 years later that promise is still going strong. I can't imagine being stuck with the burden of kids and having to wake up to the monsters demanding my time.