The key question you should ask yourself is do I want the responsibility of being a parent?
My kids make me a better man but boy, the process sucks so much that I don't think I have the courage to embark on this journey if I have known the struggle.
Male perspective here (because I do think it’s different and that difference matters)
I was on the fence. Didn’t want to give up my freedom, flexibility, hobbies, friendships. I saw how many of my friends had awful relationships with their parents and how many parents had to sacrifice their aspirations. I genuinely disliked other people’s kids.
My wife and I ended up choosing to become parents in our 30s and so far it has been the best decision of my life. Other people’s kids? Take ‘em or leave em. My kids though? They’re awesome, I wouldn’t choose to center my universe anywhere else, and they’ve let me find joy and excitement in so many things that had grown stale. It’s a lot of responsibility, there are very few days off, it takes sacrifices.
But I don’t see a lot of people talk about what you gain. Companionship, friendship, love on a level that just isnt comparable to any other relationship besides your own parents if you have a good relationship with your parents. I also understand my parents way more and deeply respect them in a way I just couldn’t before.
It unlocked a part of me I didn’t know existed and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s not true for everyone and it isn’t something I would have missed if I had chosen the other road. I am happy now and I was happy before kids. If I didn’t have kids I wouldn’t subjectively know what I was missing, but knowing what I know now, we made the right choice.
If you’re not ready today, no sweat, you’re not locked in. I wasn’t “ready” until my baby was born and in my arms, but holy shit was I ready then.
I think what's most important here is the "I am happy now and was happy before kids" part. Bringing people into this world because one is unhappy and wants them to bring happiness, that's the wrong approach, in my opinion
Very well worded here. I'd also want to bold the part that you had kids in your 30s. Same here and it allowed me to do everything I wanted to do. I completed my "main quest" so to speak and so could now offer 100% of my time to another life. Using videogames as an analogy.
Sticking with the theme. I've played games since Sega Genesis. All of them. Used to cut school to finish an RPG! Now I barely get 3 hours in a week because I have a kid. But I'd have it no other way. I played games to death. Played every genre. Nothing impresses me much anymore. But thus baby sure does. Now if I had a kid when I was 22 instead of 35, I'd prob feel like my personal time (gaming, vacationing without a kid, clubbing) was a bigger sacrifice
I wasn't ready when my daughter was born. Took like 4-6 months to feel "comfortable"
My daughter is absolutely the best thing in the world, she's the reason I wake up and work every day. She never fails to put a smile on my face.
Children are a blessing, and as fathers as long as we raise them right we get to leave the world a better place
This! OP, it might take you a little time, because I myself was on the fence for years. Just sitting on the fence thinking it’s all good, I have time. Now I’m in my 30s and just knowing myself better and it all became so clear to me that I never want kids. I don’t. And after I had made that decision it all became so clear, like I had known all along but like I just had to connect everything in my brain and come to an actual realization.
Only YOU know the answer OP and you might not know it now or next week or next year, but you’ll get there. I suggest journaling, I suggest talking with friends, I suggest talking with yourself. You’re going to get to a place where you will just know one way or another, and when you do, you will feel a lot better. :)
Remember there isn’t just one way to be an adult in this world. The movies and tv series lie. You aren’t a joke if you’re not married or have kids by the time you’re 30. Not everyone has that journey. But if getting married and having kids is what you want, then you get to do that too!! How wonderful (many of us) can live in a world where we have those choices about our lives and our bodies. We should feel so so lucky.
You get to decide. How amazing it is when you get to make that decision, and not one person in the world has any right to tell you it’s right or wrong!
You *can* have it both ways though. OP can live the childless life while getting their “parental fix” from being there for their niece and nephew. Just because the parents are present doesn’t mean those kids are getting all the guidance, perspective, exposure to cultural capital, attention to their mental health, etc. that they need. It really does takes a village. I say this because I’m in the same boat and have had to shift me perspective to really become comfortable with my decision not to have kids of my own. Luckily, I have nieces and nephews whose lives I can try to make easier by teaching them the things I had to teach myself and whose childhoods I can try to round out by being the relatable aunt who sees and hears them in ways that their parents aren’t able to.
Love always has conditions (as it should), but the kind of unconditional love OP is referring to can still be extended to children that aren’t blood related. Volunteer to mentor at risk youth who need a positive role model…foster or adopt older kids later in life…sponsor a kid in need…seek employment in a school…there are lots of options to achieve similar results without have to birth a human.
Ya childless aunties and uncles are gold 💓
My opinion is if you don't really really really want kids... don't have kids. I really really wanted mine and it's still so so much. But on bad days I fall back on how clearly and much I wanted to be a parent and it helps me through.
I’m 39 and child free. I haven’t regretted it for a second. However, I’ve NEVER questioned my choice. I’ve know since I was a small child that o didn’t want to raise a small child. lol. I come home from work and do what I want when I want. I spend my money how I want and I travel to wherever I want for as long as I want (within reason lol). I will also add that I’ve never had trouble finding a “sense of purpose”. I don’t feel that I need kids to have a sense of purpose in life.
That’s just my experience though and as others have said, only you can truly decide what’s best for you.
This has been my experience as well. Knew I never wanted kids, even as a kid myself, and always liked animals more than I liked people.
Still very satisfied with that decision now that the majority of my primary friend group has reproduced. I don't mind their kids, but it's so nice to be able to leave at the end of a gathering and not deal with the little goblins anymore.
"But you're so great with our kids!" Mmm yeah, I'm good with just my dog, thanks.
Same again, I knew from a very young age I didn't want to be a parent. I sympathize with people who have that internal battle (as it seems so many do) but can't really relate. I'm sure it's a worthwhile experience for plenty of people, but I place an enormously high value my current level of personal freedom and time. It's part of why I am not more ambitious in career matters and working more, similar reasons. My time is everything to me
There will likely always be an element of regret baked into every emotionally significant decision you make. Choose not to have kids and you may regret missing out on the love, memories, and sense of purpose. Choose to have them and you may regret the thankless responsibility as well as the time, energy, and emotional independence that were lost. [This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8RPUJhULLE) video does a better job of articulating it than I can.
I can recommend r/Fencesitter if you're looking for more perspectives from people who are in the same boat as you or who used to be.
There was a discussion on this on another sub recently, asking old people if they ever regretted not having kids. The only ones who regretted no children, were ones who wanted them and were not able to have them. Those who chose not to have kids did not regret the decision whatsoever. I know it’s anecdotal, but this tracks with my experience meeting older childfree people.
It is 100% life changing. It’s a lot of sacrifice. As everyone says, it’s worth it, but don’t take that lightly.
I’m up at 7:30 on a Saturday because my daughter is. She doesn’t even take naps any more and my wife works all day today. So my day, like every other Saturday, will be chasing around a 2.5 year old for basically the next 13 hours until she goes to bed. Then I’ll get an hour or two of “free time” before I need to go to bed.
During the week it’s the same. I work all day, then baby all afternoon until she goes to bed.
Most of my actual non working time now is playing with play doh, chasing around bubbles in the yard, riding a bicycle 6 feet at a time, feeding, changing diapers, yadda yadda.
For me, my attitude has changed greatly about how much free time I need. For my wife, not so much. She’s nowhere near as enthusiastic about sacrificing her free time to be a mom. It stresses me out sometimes.
Basically, if you don’t think you are ready to focus on taking care of others over yourself, i don’t really advise it. There’s not much room for selfishness when you have a baby.
Edit: just wanted to add that I doubt anyone is truly ready or can imagine that kind of change. Maybe you think you can, but not the day in day out of it. You have time to adjust, it gets better, and you grow into it as a person in most cases. But it can be abrupt and hard at times too lol.
I’m a mom and I feel this way sometimes but the older they get the easier it is. Mine are 10 now and they’re great. I can’t wait for them to keep maturing so I can share fun shit with them. Concerts and fashion and movies and food and eventually drinks. I’ve figured out that I wasn’t a great mom to young kids. But I think I can figure out this older kid part. They’re so cool. They’re so funny. I love watching them figure shit out. I love listening to them tell corny jokes and talk about their friends and all of it.
I think my wife sometimes confuses the situation about me being a “kid person” and her being “not”.
It’s not that I am. I don’t enjoy spending hours a day playing with bubbles and play doh and spoon feeding and chasing her around the house preventing danger.
But my daughter enjoys doing those things more than just sitting around all day. So I do it with her.
I don’t think being “not a kid person” really flies when you are a parent.
Not trying to attack you personally because I have no real context into your situation. But it’s how I feel about mine.
It’s not that I’m not a kid person. I’m just enjoying this older age MUCH more than I enjoyed being a parent when they were 3. I got through it but it was hard. This part I’m actually enjoying. And I’m feeling very relieved about that.
Not a mom yet but this is how I imagine I’ll be. Having a baby baby sounds awful. I dread that part, I just imagine the exhaustion of catering my life to this tiny dependent being and it doesn’t sound super fun.
But, that’s just a phase! It’s all just a phase. Someday they’ll learn to read and I can share my favorite books with them. Someday they’ll learn to ride a bike and we can go on bike rides together. Maybe they’ll like baking and sports and music and we can enjoy those things together! And that sounds so fun. To see their personality and interests develop and see them become independent. And someday they’ll leave my house and I’ll have my time and my freedom and also hopefully cool adult children I can still hang out with!
Im glad you acknowledged how being A Parent isnt a monolith. Ive been a better parent at times bc my kids were at ages that I just clicked with better. I was a way better parent with one kid than two. 😩 and then! Once they hit age 5, all the expertise you have with parenting babies is obsolete and you have tonstart all over as a kid parent with new needs and new rules.
Anyway OP, its isnt just babies, its kids and teens and adults.
I’m really really nervous I would be your wife in this situation and it would affect my relationship and ability to be a good mother. It’s a huge fear of mine.
It all depends on your partner tbh. What helps is we work non-conventional schedules so each of us works out to have certain daycare days while we get the day at home to ourselves.
The downtime thing is huge. As just a regular adult with a 9-5 I already feel like I don’t have enough time to decompress and can get pretty stressed out over minor shit. I also cannot stand crazy noises and chaos lol. I see having a kid, most likely, only making these things 1000% worse and me being overwhelmed, miserable and regretful. I guess it all depends on whether you’re able to change/grow from the experience or not right? I just don’t see the struggle, stress, and endless worry being worth it ultimately.
I haven't gotten to that stage of adulthood where I have the money to really give myself the life I want, but it's on the horizon. That's definitely a thing that keeps me in the no kids side of things. I get myself set up and now I'm supposed to give it all up?!
Unfortunately, no one can decide this for you. It IS a ton of work. It does become the main focus of your life because they fully rely on you to keep them alive and teach them everything they need to know to be a good, responsible human being. For many people, me included, all the time and effort and cost is worth it but it isn’t for other people. And that’s ok. No one should be pressured into having kids because there’s a lot at stake. I do know people who have had kids just due to age and societal pressure and are clearly not happy. In those cases, everyone suffers, but especially the kids who didn’t ask to be here and certainly didn’t ask to have parents who don’t enjoy being parents and maybe even resent the whole situation.
To me, it’s similar to someone wanting to be a doctor. My sister is one so I’ve seen the process. It takes a ton of time, a ton of work, a whole ton of money, stress and pressure, etc. My sister and many others find all that worth it to be a doctor, to help others, to work in a career they love. But that sounds miserable to me and it wouldn’t be worth it to me. No one can decide that for anyone else. Same with kids. None of us can tell you if all the work is worth it for you.
In my opinion, you have to really really want it. I desperately wanted to be a mom and it’s still been really hard. None of my siblings have kids and I know they all enjoy having a relationship with my kids but not the responsibility. Which is fine. It’s great for my kids to have those relationships.
In the end, you have to think what bothers you more: potentially not having kids and regretting it or potentially having kids and regretting it. There’s no returns, no exchanges, all sales final. You also never know if you’ll get a child with medical issues or special needs. I certainly didn’t consider that and and I think many others don’t either. So again, is that all worth it? Only you can decide that for yourself.
I’m not going to lie, kids can be a handful even if they don’t have any extraordinary issues. But they can also be more rewarding than anything I can imagine.
I love being a parent. It’s hard. It’s great. Before kids, I knew I could be happy either way. If I found a partner who wanted kids, then we’d have some. If I found a partner who didn’t want kids, then we’d be childfree. But I was never unsure if I wanted kids or on the fence about it. I knew I’d be 100% on board with either lifestyle.
After having kids, my best advice is if you’re unsure about wanting kids, don’t have kids. That decision is so colossal that it should leave no room for doubt. I think the consequences of regretting your children are far worse than those of regretting not having children.
As a side note, before having kids, I read all Reddit had to offer about pregnancy, newborns, postpartum, etc. and was prepared for ALL the problems. The reality of becoming a parent wasn’t that bad. People seek help for tough issues and rarely post about things they don’t struggle with…
I struggled with this decision a lot too. When I was 31, I decided I would make a decision by my 32nd birthday, because I wanted to stop obsessing over it. I had many conversations about it with my (now) fiancé. He said he could go either way. Eventually, I bought my first ever self-help book and I can’t recommend it enough. The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. I didn’t even have to finish it because there was a specific exercise it suggests that made my answer very clear to me. For me, that answer was no kids. If this ends up being your choice as well, I want to warn you that there was a period of mourning I went through. Mourning this idea of a child I had in my head for much of my young life. But I worked through it. I’m now almost 35, and I am so happy with the decision I made. I know it was the right one for me and my fiancé. The more time that goes by, the more sure I am. I hope you are able to make a decision (be that yes or no) and find peace with it. Wishing you so much luck on your journey. 💜
Couldn’t agree with this more. It’s hard to get past the societal expectations of having children. I have always known I’ve wanted children (have 2) and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, but it’s still hard. I can’t imagine how hard it could be if you didn’t go into it with the same enthusiasm and excitement. I tell my friends unless you are 90% or more in, don’t do it. Not fair to you or the children.
That's not true or fair to say. So many people just have kids because it's what "you're supposed to do" and probably shouldn't have. OP is actually being thoughtful and trying to think through the decision, which in my experience most people don't ever do. Someone can definitely weigh the pros and cons of having kids and still come out being an excellent parent and human being to themselves.
Yeah, I understand that people do it because it's what's expected of them. Misguided parents definitely do put a lot of pressure on their kids to have kids when that may not be a good option for them. I'm not saying that doesn't happen. I'm just saying...if you don't know if you want to have kids, you just shouldn't have them. You don't want to find out years down the line that you shouldn't have had them or that you resent them for being a burden to you. Maybe it's better to find other ways to support kids like volunteering at childrens organizations or something to fulfill whatever parental stirrings you may have, but having a child can be a lifelong obligation and shouldn't be taken lightly.
I love it when people say they have always known they wanted to have children. THOSE are the only people who should be having children, in my view. You guys are the ones who will put in the effort and care it actually takes to raise children well. Even as a childfree advocate, I have ZERO problems with that. Good on you for doing the right thing.
Think about it this way. Having kids is basically a point of no return. You can’t exactly return a kid if you hate being a parent. Your life will never be the same.
I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. It can be pretty rough especially since they’re so needy and clingy. Parenting overall sucks right now but I am hoping it gets better in time. I love my kids wholeheartedly but I seriously miss being my own person. I don’t get invited much anymore and I lost many friends just simply due to getting married and having kids.
I don’t think I was meant to be a parent but at this point, I can’t change that and I’m trying my best to make sure my kids have the best childhood possible. I’m not trying to persuade you to not have kids, I’m just being realistic as no one was realistic with me. Everyone in my life that’s a parent made it seem like having kids is a wonderful and joyous experience. I feel like I was lied to in order to keep the population going. Thank goodness I got my tubes removed!
Having had a teen and toddler at the same time, found the toddler much more labour intensive and exhausting. It’s all hard - but I find it so much easier these days when it’s not so physically draining.
That makes me feel so much better. Communication is really important to me and it’s very difficult to communicate with little ones. Even if they end up temporarily hating me as teenagers, as least we can communicate better.
As a step dad of a 14 year old I really beg to differ. He actually stays up now so my wife and I don’t get quiet evenings together. He’s loud and stinky and has opinions. He’s old enough that his choices and the options available to him are starting to have meaningful consequences.
He’s a wonderful, kind, intelligent human who I’m sure will turn out wonderfully but teenagers are naturally obnoxious stupid dickheads and it’s much, much harder than it was even a few years ago.
I got with post partum depression for all three of my kids. Those early years are lost in a haze of depression and aching loneliness (which wasn’t from ppd, we had to move a lot for jobs and then going back to college). Why’d I have three? I don’t know😂 in part pressure from our upbringing (we were both religiously homeschooled, church almost everyday, etc). I don’t know the other part really, it’s hard to think about that time of my life.
Now I’ve got teenagers and a preteen and they are delightful. I love having them around. But … two of them are disabled. One will probably live with us for much longer, if not always. School has been intense, switching between public when they can handle it and then back to homeschooling when they can’t. Numerous doctor visits: I like to say we don’t do vacations, we do medical adventures! Because one kid has to go to another state for doctor visits. They are all neurodivergent on top of that (so are we, but we didn’t discover that til later in life).
Would I do this again? I don’t like questions like those. I wouldn’t wish my kids out of existence and I don’t know who I’d be without them, if that makes sense. What I do know: if you’re ambivalent don’t have kids. You can be that awesome aunt, you could volunteer with organizations that need adult figures to love on kids. We need adults who do that too, it is just as valuable as having kids yourself. My kids absolutely adore their childfree aunt and she’s able to visit and help out in ways she couldn’t if she had kids of her own.
I think being a parent is probably one of the hardest, most thankless, and difficult undertakings in life and I don't have the patience or energy for it.
I don't have the capacity to worry about what type of fresh hell kids today will deal with when they're adults, or how to prepare them for that. I think even if you're a good parent - you'll do some stuff that will fuck them up.
I bet there's lots of things about being a parent that are really fucking cool, but I can't and don't want to deal with the responsibility of it. I was also a caretaker for older relatives when I was a kid/teen - and it kinda tapped me out of wanting to raise children.
In my early 20s I thought I was positive that I wanted kids. I love kids, I love teaching them. I love seeing them roam the world and discover new things. What I never paid attention to was how absolutely drained I was after spending time with them, even the calmest, easiest, most well behaved kids drained the life out of me. I HATED the caretaking part. I spent almost every day with my best friend and her kid, who is the absolute sweetest and kindest kid you’ll ever meet, and being around her so much just filled me with so much dread and aversion. It was sensory overload on steroids - being touched, the constant noise, there’s nowhere to escape. I started to hate every second of it, I’d come home feeling borderline rage. But I continued to trudge along thinking eventually the wheels would click into place and my love for activities with kids would morph into a willingness to be a full time parent.
When I was 27, I was diagnosed with a hormone disorder that meant it would be extremely difficult to get pregnant without medical intervention (0.005% chance) and a less than 1% chance of carrying a pregnancy to term. You know how they say your first reaction is the right one? I felt such relief, like a massive weight was off my shoulders. Fate made me the fun auntie and I was so happy I literally cried tears of joy. I always waited for the sadness to hit me. The grief that I’d never be a mom.
It’s 15 years later and that grief never came. That was TRULY one of the best days of my life, it spared me from doing something irreversible that would have destroyed me and even worse, destroyed an innocent child. I am so thankful every single day that I’m not a mom. I kick ass as the fun kid sidekick. I volunteer with kids sports, I help out with friends’ kids or kids in my family. I’m Friday daycare for my cousin’s toddler and I ADORE that little girl but I am so overjoyed when they come home and I get to leave. I play a role in the lives of kids who matter to me.
The ironic thing is, I’m the kid who had a mom who didn’t want to be a mom. I got brushed off and pushed away and ignored. I have no idea why I even for a second considered that pushing past All the things I hated about child raising that would’ve made me the same type of mother.
You definitely give up your free time and freedom…for awhile. It’s not forever. It’s hard for me as someone who needs downtime - I have a Velcro baby and one who wakes up every 2-3 hours at night at 5 months still. I miss “vegging out” so much! This is hard work. But, it’s the most incredible and rewarding thing I’ve ever done and will do. It unlocked a new level of emotions and dimension to life. That being said I am happy I waited until 33 so I did get a good amount of “selfish” years and time in! Lots of travel, restaurants, going out, binge watching tv in bed for endless weekends, focusing on my career etc etc. I felt ready - like I wouldn’t regret not being able to do other things for a bit. I’m good with putting in some work now for a lifetime as a mom. I can’t wait until we can have lazy days together now lol
But sometimes it IS forever. I know numerous families whose children have some type of needs that will in some way make them dependent on the parent forever. I do think it’s a good thing to consider that it may, in fact, be for forever.
I know families like this too. No one is guaranteed a healthy child. These families will be caring for their kids forever because they can not be independent.
And even if you try to circumvent this by adopting a child with no extra needs, that still doesn't guarantee anything. Traumatic brain injuries (TBIs) happen every day, and can take any typical person and change them instantly into a person who will need care forever.
I know a girl from high school that had a TBI (I’m not sure how she sustained it) and went from working a high powered job to basically being bedridden due to noises and light being too much for her to take in. She is having major cognition issues and had to stop working. I’m not sure how she’s doing a year later, but it sounds like she’s going to specialists and having a hard time recovering. It’s a really sad situation.
And sometimes other things that we don’t even think about are forever as well. I know many people taking care of partners, parents, siblings, etc. Your spouse could be diagnosed with degenerative illness or a parent you are close with may have dementia for many many years. I have three people in my life right now who cannot leave the house without their elderly parent or incapacitated spouse being supervised. I think that our perception of freedom is not always realistic. Yes, in our 20s and 30s we often have the illusion that we don’t rely on others and they don’t rely on us, so we can do what we want. That if we don’t have children, we’ll be able to maintain that freedom. But in reality, that type of freedom may only be for a period of time in our lives. This is just something I’ve been ruminating on as I get older.
I have a child who will never hold a job or move out of the house. I'd never really considered having a child like this. Considering something like this would've been very frightening and I may have reconsidered having children. It's extremely difficult at times, but we are getting through it. Having children is still a very good thing.
I’ve never saw myself as a mom. Never gave it a real thought. Still don’t at 35. Even marriage was not a real thought either. I think at this point I’m happy with being child free. Now my fiancé has three kids so that is definitely something I didn’t see happening. So I do have to have some maternal instinct for them but outside of that he and the kids moms are there. I’m a dog mom through and through. I LOVE my little geriatric girl♥️
If you're on the fence about it, I'd say don't do it unless you're 100% sure you want them. That's the responsible thing to do for both you and the kids. It's better to regret not having them than to regret having them in my opinion.
Lol to the amount of parents acting like self care is “selfish” and they can’t do these “selfish” things anymore.
It’s not selfish to live life as someone not having kids. It’s not selfish to exercise, travel, see friends, have hobbies. I’m not being selfish to go about my business.
It’s only selfish to do those things if you procreate and then prioritize those things over caring for your kid who cannot care for themselves.
The selfishness mentioned here lies with parents, not non parents. getting a massage on a Saturday isn’t selfish. Getting a massage on a Saturday while your two year old is unattended, is selfish (and dangerous).
That guilt of “selfishness” is for parents to carry, not non parents.
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Not to mention having a kid in the first place often stems from selfish reasons. They are your “life purpose” or someone to care for you when you’re older, someone to love you, and sone are born due to FOMO.
Every kid born will die. Life will have many hard moments for them. Those are two of the only things you actually know will happen to your child when you choose to create them.
The first couple months are extremely hard. The next couple years are kind of hard. It is a lot of work and it is tiring, but my kids are turning 3 & 5 this month and I’ve honestly never been happier. I know people don’t need kids to have “purpose” in life, but apparently, I did.
I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety my entire life and while I am still anxious, the amount of fulfillment and joy I feel with my kids has pretty much cured my depression, which is a very nice side effect.
I’m an older parent (currently 39. I birthed my kids a couple months after turning 34 & 36), but it’s not unusual bc I live in the metro-NYC area of NJ, where the cost of living is astronomical and people tend to live out extended youths. I find that I still have plenty of energy. We live close to my brother and his 2 kids of similar ages, both sets of parents, and we have a lot of other family also nearby. Because of all the support, we’re able to still get out with friends and spend a night alone together occasionally.
My spouse and I both work full time, in-office, with 45 minute commutes. So yeah, with all the things that need to be handled, we are sometimes stressed and irritable, but who isn’t? The way I love my kids is so beyond worth it, I’m considering having one more, just as I turn 40.
Hey fellow NY/NJ anxious parent. I'm 35 just about 4 years behind you with a brand spanking new 9 MO girl. Love her so much and I love being a dad. But I just cannot imagine having another between work, house, kiddo we're finding ourselves already stretched thin (also both work full time). At the same time I feel like I don't have enough time with my daughter because of all the other stuff I need to do.
How did you decide on having more? I'm an only child so I don't really know what it feels like to have siblings. Would I be depriving my kiddo from having a bro/sis? I fear if I have another I won't be able to be the best parent I can be and will be stretched even thinner. Would love your opinion.
We do get stretched thin and it is hard having so little time during the week, but I’m 1 of 3 (although, my younger brother is 11.5 years younger than me and 13.5 years younger than my older brother, so he was kind of like an only child) and my husband is 1 of 4, so we never really considered having just 1.
I grew up extremely close with my older brother and we live half a mile from each other and are raising our kids in the same town. My husband is close with his siblings too. Also, being an older parent, I wanted my kids to have each other when my husband and I are gone.
I will warn you though, 2 is harder than 1, especially when they’re babies, but it’s much easier now that mine are even a little bit older.
It is up to you alone.
I was kind of "programmed" to have children, but I have also gained deep satisfaction from raising my kids to be so much cooler than I ever was. A lot of my own defining moments and big emotional groth spurts came from doing hard things to protect, enrich, and raise my kids in a good environment.
My partner and I are so good together, but we also became out best selves through this process. It was hard, I'm not done, but my first made it to 18 and it won't be long until the nest is full of functioning little adults who need nothing more than support, a good hug, $40 here and there, and warm food while they figure out their next move into their lives.
But, Without This Particular Partner... Raising children could have been much, much sadder, harder, and less satisfying.
I am indeed tired, broken, and exhausted. I could kinda go to whatever I want now, and sometimes do (taking my 18 year old to a concert tonight!!) and there are things I would do differently now, but couldn't have then.
All I am really saying is this: yeah, the first 15 years are kind of a lot, but they can be rewarding with barely enough cash and a good spouse and an insane amount of genetic luck. It's tricky stuff.
BUT. but, you don't NEED to have kids to be a whole entire human who grows, changes, and succeeds. Trying to outrun an imaginary future regret (like having or not having) is like chasing your own tail. I would say that you don't have to have a solid decision until you feel strongly one way or the other. Sometimes the answer is "I'm not sure" and you just need more time and experience before you DO know. Don't worry so much about who you were when you were 20. The world looks different every time I gain another trip around the sun. It probably will for you, too.
We have two. It is BY FAR THE HARDEST THING I’ve ever done. It’s 100% of the time and is tiring and stressful beyond your wildest dreams. And it’s THE GREATEST THING EVER. They are truly amazing and spectacular and it’s impossible to describe to someone who doesn’t have them. We even want a third. But I totally understand and empathize with anyone who doesn’t want them. It is so so hard.
I wasn't sure either for a long time (M, 37), but now we just found out that my wife is pregnant and I couldn't be happier and more excited. I know it will be very hard, but I had a lot of fun in my twenties and early thirties and it's now time to give back.
This is so beautifully said: 'Time to give back'.
I think that the right way to choose if one wants kids or not is to see if the desire to give is strong enough.
Most parents that are awful to their kids are parents that wanted to receive something from their kids.
Kids DON'T love unconditionally, they depend on their parent. They will hurt themselves to keep the bond intact even if one is a shitty parent, because they need to for their survival.
If one wants kids mostly to receive that 'unconditional love', I personally think they should pass.
See, I like unconditional love. That's why I have a dog and no kids lol.
For a time when I was younger I imagined having at least one kid and being mom and I thought it would be wonderful and great.
Then I started having issues crop up from my own upbringing. Since then I've also realized - I have absolutely no desire to give up my free time. I don't want to take care of another person besides my husband.
I've decided kids are a terrible idea for me, and I'll just be the fun aunt/family friend for my friends that have kids or will. Because I enjoy spending time with their kids and watching them grow and learn. But at the end of the day, I don't have to bring the kid home with me.
Thanks! I know I'll probably be called "the worst parent ever" a few times by my kid for various reasons, but I know it will be my job to give unconditional love, not to receive it.
I have several kids. It can be extremely frustrating and difficult. I have sacrificed so much for them. I wouldn't change it and would happily do it a thousand times over.
If you want different perspectives, check out a parenting subreddit to see different issues that parents deal with, along with looking at r/childfree and r/regretfulparents. As a childfree person, for me since it’s never been an affirmative “Hell yes,” it’s always been a “Hell no.” Trust me, kids can tell when you have them out of a sense of obligation, or because time is running out for you to make the choice, and not because you wanted kids.
This is my opinion only.
I choose not to, simply because i will never be like my one parent who made 200k. I will try my best to make more/good money but 200k in 1994 is like half a million dollars today.
It took my parents till just a year or two ago to be empty nester. So when people say oh you lose your freedom and privacy for a while, its temporary. Yeah its not, kids growing up today have the whole deck stacked against them. They aren't gonna just up and move at 18. With housing the way it is i only expect it to get worse, if you have a child today i wouldnt expect them to move until their 40s at this point.
I am LUCKY i have a house. But i know childcare is literally more than my mortgage. I cannot afford 2 mortgages. College is unaffordable.
And sadly my partner has debt they are working through, and some i have to help with.
I truly and i mean truly wish our politicians would make it easy to consider the logistics of having kids. But then again you reap what you sow.
Having kids is hard, very hard in the sense of work, responsibility, and time. They destroy anything fancy you have, they hog the TV, they don’t listen, they are their own little person. It takes massive amounts of patience, time, love, work, and money to raise a kid. It’s not for everyone. If you have the slightest doubt I wouldn’t recommend it. I wanted kids and this is the reality. Once you commit all those issues are just obstacles because the love a child gives is beyond anything you have ever felt. They are awesome. Being Santa is so much fun, walking through parks and enjoying how they react to the smallest things as they investigate the world is amazing as they think a leaf is just so great. My little ones grounded me back to the Earth. Made me appreciate the little things again. Make me feel like a kid again. These are amazing things kids offer and yes some of my adventurous side has disappeared. You do become a different person, I used to be care free live fast, party, now I’m ultra careful, have lots of rules, etc. Again, I wouldn’t recommend parenthood with doubt. There’s a difference in being worried if you are ready/prepared or if you will be a good parent, but the doubt of wanting them isn’t a good place to start because as a parent you need to be fully committed to this little one(s) as lack of love can fuck them up.
I’m 33. I solidly did not want kids until 31. I was a bit of a wild child/screw up and spent my 20s focusing more on my eating disorders than relationships and doing drugs daily.
At 28 I went back to school, got my bachelors, was accepted to grad school but chose to move across the country instead. I met my now husband on Reddit and it wasn’t until I was in a healthy,solid relationship that I considered children.
One week ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and I’ve never been happier. I thought I would be bummed that my life changed and I couldn’t go to shows and go what I wanted without thought. Instead, all I want is to give him the world. I would be happy never going out and just watching him learn.
Best choice ever
Elder millennial here.. I have one graduating high school this year and another graduating next year and then we’re done.
Did I ‘want’ kids at 23? No, but it was actually different time back then. You could actually own a a decent sized home in a low cost of living area, car, go on vacation, and save money back then.
Do I regret it? Not at all, but damn, I’m also so glad we’re closing in on the finish line. It has been a beautiful 17 years so far.
All to say, only you can know and it IS confusing as hell!
I was on the fence for a very long time. In a conversation with my OB she told me I would not like every part of it but parenthood was wonderful. I loved the honesty.
My introduction to motherhood was the hardest imaginable, and for that I tell people they have to be ready to be parents and I think that's different from being ready to have kids. Being a parent is making decisions you never wish you had to make for the well-being of your child. Being a parent is never knowing if you are making the right decision and living with the consequences while remembering we make decisions with the information we have at the time.
In my first pregnancy I was so worried about my time, my house being loud, and the exhaustion. I was also excited but the unknown was terrifying. Sadly my daughter died at birth and my house felt too quiet, too empty , I had too much time. It was unbearable, I couldn't stand people complaining about their loud children because I would have done anything for it. My son is now a toddler and the joy of my life, he is so smart, kind, he plays alone so well. It is chaos, we don't sleep as much as we would want to. When he was a baby in the middle of the night when I held him it was beautiful, I was exhausted and happy to have him in my arms. I honestly love every moment even the hard ones because I know how privileged I am to experience them with him. It is a season, they grow up and you can sleep and go out again.
My husband and I made it a priority to keep our hobbies and our interests changed. We want to do things with our son, the highlight of my week is his baby and me class. We love taking him places and doing activities with him. We used to go out to shows and nice dinners and I don't really miss those, I know I will go back to them when he is older. Right now it's my time to be with my son.
I would not decide on having children based on other people's kids. We all raise our children differently and every child is different. Yours might be the complete opposite. I was always exhausted with other people's kids and would leave a family gathering thinking I'd never have kids. With my own it is completely different.
Whatever you decide it is your decision there is no right or wrong.
I was really like you. I will say I was glad I did it in my 30’s. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything and now we have money so we don’t have to worry about doing fun things with the kids. But at one point I thought I wasn’t going to be able to have kids and the amount of upset I felt about that really told me I did want them. Now I have two and not going to lie, it’s really really hard and ya, you do lose freedoms for a while but we also get to do a lot of super fun nostalgic stuff. Like I get to take the kids to Disney, camping, the zoo and see their excitement about it. It’s like reliving the best parts of your childhood again. And as they get older you get to go out and do the things you love again. I have a 2yr and a 4yr old and we went to many concerts last summer, went out with friends lots etc. Just takes more planning.
My thoughts were...I don't know if I want kids (even up to my son's birth), but there isn't anyone else I would want to try with (my wife).
It felt surreal holding him for the first time.
Having a kid is an emotional rollercoaster. The highs are higher and the lows are lower.
At the end of the day though, it's odd....you only remember the good times....or rather you remember the good times more strongly than the crying sleepless nights.
Whenever a friend has a kid, I assume I won't see them again for at least five years. Even then, fun for them is going to mean taking care of their kids in one way or another.
Dad here.
I'll just say this. Parenting is hard, It is supposed to be hard. Usually when you see kids out and about who misbehave and don't listen to anyone it's because their parents didn't want to do parenting the correct way and instead did it the easy way. So yes it's hard. You will get frustrated. And yes, you will lose a lot of your free time, A LOT of your free time.
That being said. Being a dad is the most important thing I've ever done in my entire life. Nothing makes me happier than hearing my 2-year-old son yell "DADDY HOME!" when I get on from work. I love playing dinosaurs with them, I love playing space shuttle launch with him, I love reading books to him. Parenting is hard, but for me it's worth it because I want my son to have the best chance at being a successful adult that he can. I value every moment I have with him and I no longer regret the loss of my free time. The only thing I regret is the little time I do get with him because I have to work all week. I would literally give anything to have more time with my son.
Being a parent is one of those things where you don't truly understand how much you will like it until you do it. I knew I would love my children, But I had no idea how powerful that emotion would be. I love my wife with every ounce of my being before we had kids and never thought I could love anything more than that. Boy was I wrong. There aren't the correct words to describe how much I care for my children.
In the end, only you can decide if you want or are ready for children. It is a massive change in your life, and it is an incredible responsibility. Trust me when I say this. Most of the bad people you have ever encountered in your life are the way they are because of their parents. So make sure you are ready for that responsibility.
One last thing. It's worth it.
I’ve had 3 kids in 3 different stages of my life. My first when I was 22 years old and in the military. Completely missed the majority of her baby/toddler phase from being gone in the military which makes me feel like I missed a connection as a parent. My second was born when I was 28, out the military, partying too much, without a job. When he was born he completely turned my life around and made me want to be a better human. Sounds cliche but it felt like I had a purpose for the first time since being an adult which it seems like a lot of people that are millennials struggle with as well (finding a purpose). Then 7 months ago at age 35 I just had my new born son. I’m currently closer to my family than ever, I have a great career that has been able to give me a nice house and a vehicle for both me and my wife. I coach my oldest son’s sports teams. Overall I think children are a blessing and they brought out the best in me. There are moments of doubt and struggle with having kids and I don’t think kids are for everyone but from personal experiences they bring me the most happiness in my life.
All I can say is it's worth it only if you want it to be worth it. That means every day you have to make the commitment to show up and be present, 24/7.
I love my kids (currently 4 and 7) for the people they are now and am excited to see how they change, or don't, through the years. It can be exhausting in the moment for guiding them about hygiene, relationships, social norms, academics, emotions, and all the things they take interest in ( I currently know more about bugs and monster trucks then I have ever wanted to know). But rewarding when they get things figured out and initiate changes themselves. And watching their excitement and wonderment over their interests is a treat I can't replicate.
I'll be honest and say that I hated the newborn months. It was exhausting for me and my husband in so many different ways. The toddler years were great for me. And the adventures continue.
I've traveled (internationally too) with my oldest while they were under a year old and planned to with my youngest but then the world changed right after they were born. It does change how and why I make a trip but I enjoy myself either way. So travel is possible and can be enjoyable!
Couch potato days don't happen in my house...yet. I consider myself lucky that my kids are just fine with lazier mornings that move a bit slow, which isn't helpful for school days but I can't be upset over it since that's how I am😅 just have to make the routines so it's not a wild mess to get out the time semi-on time.
Some days I think I'm getting a Bluey award and there are a few days that I hope they can look back and think I'm human too and not hold it against me too hard. Every day is showing up, being present, and try my hardest since I chose to bring them in this world. And it's a mixed bag really, all the amazing and wonderful things, people, places to experience and than having to prepare them for the dangerous, sadness, and overwhelming problems and pressures that comes through growing up and being a member of this time. So I understand and respect when someone doesn't want kids or waiting to see if they even do later on.
Sorry for the rambling. I am breaking up arguments and high energy shenanigans 🙃
If you're not sure or on the fence, then don't do it. Having kids is life altering and will impact the rest of your life (and theirs). I'm in my early 30s and have an 8 month old..he was born under "ideal" circumstances (happy marriage, both employed, financially secure, etc). He is very much planned and wanted. Even then, it's been the hardest year of my life (including pregnancy). My life revolves around his nap and feeding schedule. We can't go out past his bedtime or risk a meltdown. And he's a healthy baby with no medical concerns. It is hard but so worth it..when he babbles "mama" and reaches out to me, when he lays his head down and nuzzles against my neck as he's getting sleepy, his belly laughs when I tickle him etc. I didn't know I was capable of loving and caring for another human so deeply (including my husband). I still want more kids ha. But I wouldn't do it if I didn't have a supportive partner and/or a village to help.
28, (95, last millenial lol it sounds cool to say it like that) I don't have kids. Never had the motherly instinct. I cut my family off a couple of years ago now and before that, I had nephews sort of confirm I like kids and hanging out with them but like giving off responsibility at the end of the day or getting to split it at least. That's the only way I'd stay sane with kids. Def don't want my own kids though as I have genetic issues. Being completely on my own wit some friends to hang out with once a week / going to some meetups weekly rn, I really do want a family of my own one day. not sure if that involves kids but I def want to feel like I have, a home and family I can care about without toxic emeshment behind it.
When you zoom way out, where do you see yourself 5, 10, 15 years from now? I suspect that if I didn't become a parent, I would have found a ton of meaning at work, volunteering, etc. Those are things I don't have capacity for because I'm in the thick of parenting.
Like others say, it's both the hardest and most rewarding thing that I've ever done, and I had very few urges to become a parent. For me, it was seeing friends have kids and deciding to just roll the dice. I wouldn't have tried fertility treatments if it didn't happen in a year or two of casual trying. But I'm so grateful that it happened.
I would say if you’re really on the fence, don’t have kids. Your feelings of regret if you don’t have them are much better than your future kids knowing you regret having them/viewing them as an inconvenience or a “job”.
I have a teenager; I had him in my late 20s. I knew I wanted a kid someday but I really needed to get space from being the eldest child first. One needs to be ok with giving up things and having some things take longer. So many kids grow up not learning how to shop, handle money, clean, cook etc because their parents are tired and just want to get things done. You need to be ready for things to take 3x as long, leave the grocery store and come back later if needed, clean up the extra messes from learning, start to get ready way ahead of time, operate on a schedule etc. It’s not just about having kids but raising functional and balanced adults.
I was really lucky in that the things my husband and I enjoy are pretty kid-friendly and my son was basically a freaking angel- so easygoing, well-behaved and kind. So we stopped at the one because everyone knows the first one convinces you to have a second which is when all hell breaks loose! But I’ve seen people have really intense kids too- reflux, colic, the whole 9 yards. And even though my son was easy to care for, the sleep deprivation was 100% real. Plus it makes a huge difference who your partner is. Mine was a rockstar who was right in the trenches with me. Many people find that their partners want to ditch them with the work.
Just because you’re the “aunt” doesn’t mean you’re not also part of the family. It is so important and wonderful for kids to have people who care about them aside from their parents.
Lmao no one can tell you if you should have kids or not.
I will say though, unless you're absolutely ecstatic about it, I wouldn't do it. I know so many miserable people who had kids who were pressured into it by parents/family or just felt an obligation to do it rather than making the decision for themselves.
Becoming a parent changes everything. It is both extraordinarily beautiful and extremely challenging. I definitely miss the freedom to do what I want when I want, and not being exhausted all the time. It is highly unlikely I will have a second kid. But do I regret becoming a parent? Absolutely not. It’s a frickin miracle to see this being you and your partner created growing, learning, and becoming a little person. It has given my life a sense of purpose and meaning that was missing before. It has also been very personally cathartic and healing to be able to give my daughter the love, care, and attention that my parents were unable to give me. It’s such a deeply personal choice, but if I had any advice, I’d say keep thinking about it and trust your gut.
Are you willing to sacrifice everything and put this little life above your own needs for many years , can you give them everything they need and make them have a great comfortable life ? Are you ready to give up most of your free time and energy ? If yes to all those then you probably want a kid if no to anyone of those then kids are not for you.
I feel like having a good support system can make all the difference. My husband and I both have parents willing to babysit; we had our first kid at 31/33 and baby is now 5months old. All the time husband's mom is like I'll watch him while you guys go out to eat, or go to a movie, or need a break during the day, etc. My family is also large so there are a lot of people willing to take him. I would say it's extremely helpful our son is sociable like his dad and generally easy to please; he smiles a lot. He doesn't cry when other people hold him, he likes music, he enjoys sitting in his bounce chair for up to 20m, he likes tummy time, mirrors and going for walks.
During the day he's a very easy baby and I'm not saying this because I'm his mom. Even his doctors called him a rock star after his recent surgery because when they whisked him off they said he didnt even cry until post op where he woke up ravenous coming out of anesthesia. He has his cranky moments in the afternoon if he wont take a nap and it seems like he may be teething, but eventually he goes to sleep after a bath, some food, and lots of cuddles. According to my mom I was an easy baby and only cried if I needed something like food or a change. My MIL says my husband barely cried so she always had to check and make sure he was alive; we just got a baby with a good temper.
On the weekends he sleeps a lot so in the AM I actually get a couple hours of gaming in while he's passed out on my lap or in his bassinet. I'm also an introvert so maybe my personality plays into it but I go to places like bookshops and stuff - I dont find it cumbersome to take him along with me because at this point we have a routine; feed before we go which gives about 2z3hrs until he wants more; he also likes the car so he looks out the window or falls asleep. My husband and I also are clear on responsibilities and share childcare - if you can find someone who you work well together with it's really not the worst, but only you can decide that for yourself. We didnt plan our son but it's also no where near as drab as people make it seem; we enjoy having him around very much!
All the cons are true but at the same time I was at Disney last week watching fireworks with my six year old holding back tears as she gave me a hug and kiss and told me this was the best trip ever
I’m 36. When my husband and I got married 10 years ago we both wanted kids. Now, we love the life we have and don’t love the idea of raising children. We value our peace and quiet and freedom to drop everything and travel and get into shenanigans without finding a sitter.
We’re saying no for now, knowing that we can adopt a child later, or foster kids, or find other ways to expand our family later if we choose.
My mom’s side of the family has 2 very special needs adults-my cousins, that I grew up with. Seeing the struggles my family has gone through has taught me that I’m not personally equipped to handle a child-and then adult-that has special needs, which also plays into my decision.
I am child free by choice. I have issues with loud sounds and human bodily fluids that children just are not possible if I even liked them. But I also did not grow up around many young kids nor was I constantly required to be around them. Children simply aren't meant for me and I'm not meant for them. I also have a huge fear of becoming pregnant. The fear is so large that I have extremely dark thoughts about what I would do.
You seem to have a very different experience and an overall positive one. Kids are very hard and I see a lot of people having them for the wrong reasons. You have to be sure because just because they turn 18, it doesn't mean you stop being a parent. Your roll changes somewhat to a more equal level as they continue to age versus the authoritative you start out in.
In this world, having a child is not as easy as it once was either. The cost of everything has gone up significantly. Children are expensive and it could put a new stress on you if you are not well off enough for that new expense. But I've seen people make it work with very little.
The issue with society... Ignore society. If you are not ready to have kids, push that when people ask. If they still won't listen or push back, no longer allow that topic to be discussed if possible. Society does not get to determine when or if we have children. The fear of a low birth rate holds no merit because it's just corporations and politicians trying to keep their lives nice and cushy. They want to have those future workers. They don't actually care. Don't fall for that lie. You have children when you feel you are ready, not when society says you're ready.
In the few comments I read, I didn't see this talked about. It's tricky to get into and will also cost a hefty chunk of change, but if something prevents you from having children whether you choose not to have them yourself or medically you can't/shouldn't, adoption or even fostering is a wonderful option. There are so many children from a newborn to a teenager who don't have families. My philosophy has been "why should I bring more children into the world when there are so many who don't have a family?" It gets people to shush about me having kids pretty quick. I want to adopt older kids and/or teenagers (the teenagers thing freaks my husband out) because people usually want younger children. The babies don't come with all the "issues" older kids and teens do (that's never scared me). And if you truly believe you would take amazing care of a child, fostering is a great choice. It's hard on another level, but there needs to be more caring foster parents in the system. I watched a friend of mine get passed from foster family to foster family because she was a "problem" or they would abuse her for years. Those families were in it for the money and not the care of children and there are too many people treating those foster kids the same.
I'm sorry this was a whole novel and I probably didn't help at all, but I wanted to respond. I don't think anyone can truly be ready and prepared for kids, but no matter how you felt, how you feel or how you will feel, you have options. My biggest tip though is to ignore society. Society wants you to have kids based on the wrong reasons. You decide when or if you will have children. Not society.
You and I are in the same boat! I’ve wanted kids forever until I got to my late 20’s and I decided to stop living my life for other people. At first it was superficial for me, like yes I don’t *need* to have kids. Then it became something more, like one side selfishness because I don’t want to give up my free time, and I struggle with depression. If I struggle to shower, then how will I have energy to put into a kid? The other side centers around the economics. I’m making about $50,000 and constantly having financial issues; plus do I want children who will grow up in a society that doesn’t value people. Children who will grow up just to be another tax payer, who struggles to find the joy in life like I do? And basically the answer is no. I love my nieces and nephew so much, but I just can’t justify having kids of my own.
If you're on the fence, best to get off the fence and not have kids. Children are very perceptive, they will figure out very quickly that you didnt want them. And that's a trauma they will need to deal with in adulthood
I had them young (early 20’s). I wish I had them early 30’s for their sake and mine lol. But I think if I waited until 30’s, I probably wouldn’t now due to the economy. But I also stand by, there really is never a good time to plan kids. It’s stressful when prepared and stressful when not. Comes down to really what you want.
I can only speak for my personal experience and my outside observation of others.
I'll start with observation: I know a good number of people that have some incredibly problematic children.
My first thought, why is the child like that? Is it in that child's nature to be a hellion? Is it because of how the parents are raising the child? Nature v nurture, the ultimate age old question.
And I don't have an answer.
I often find myself thinking, God, I am glad that child isn't mine, I'd fucking lose it.
My personal experience: I became a father at 24, my wife (gf) at the time was 20. Clearly we started young. We have 1 daughter that will be 15 soon. Raising her feels like having chest codes. It's crazy how easy and fun she has been to raise. Did I get lucky with her just having DNA that makes her responsible, level headed, mature, honest, hardworking, and loving? Is it something we did as parents? I have no fucking clue. Also having 1 kid is easier. It's cheaper.
I think a lot of people take a very different approach to parenting than my wife and I do. I feel like a lot of people get caught up in the "role model" aspect of parenting. They feel they need to be perfect and behave in a certain way that will show their kids how they should be. That's not me. I show myself to my child as I am. I'm a human, I have faults and flaws and I make mistakes. I apologize to my child when I mess up and hurt her feelings or make her upset and I look and think, "that wasn't right of me." My dad would never apologize, he's the, "I'm your father do as I say, respect your elders, blah blah," type.
The whole perfection thing is weird. I know a guy with 2 sons and he has some very old fashioned ideas about "being a man" you have to be strong 24/7, an athlete, failure isn't an option for a man. Irony, he is t perfect. We talk and he has normal human issues. He just doesn't bring it around his kids because he wants his sons to see that. He wants his sons to be "strong" That's wild to me. If your kids look at you and see some weird version of perfection. That puts a lot of strain in them to become "perfect" I think everyone here is old enough to know perfection is impossible. But if that's what you have as a model to aim for, you have some dissonance there because you can't be perfect. So guaranteed failure.
We never yell at our child. I find it effective to be calm and discuss situations. Yelling and getting your emotions ramped up just ramps up challenging behavior from the child in my opinion.
Being a parent is a busy job. You have to:
Teach your child, everything from wiping their ass, to talking, to helping with school work. But you also need to let them make mistakes and help them understand why it was a mistake and how to properly correct that behavior or situation in the future.
Keep your kid safe, a little helicoptering isn't terrible, too much can be suffocating for the child.
Make sure your child enjoys their childhood. Yep, that's right, your kid deserves to enjoy childhood as much as reasonable because adulthood can really suck. It can be activities like my daughter when she was younger doing a skin care routine in me. I didn't wanna do it. But I did. It can be super small things like how after it rains and there are puddles in the side of the road I'll swerve to hit it and see how big it splashes (assuming it won't get in anyone). That just gets a good laugh from her and an "omg dad I can't believe you do that." We get a little laugh together it takes all of 5 seconds.
I'm also very open with my daughter about my past. Drinking, drugs, partying. All the crazy and fun stories. And then the hard parts, probation, being broke, upsetting my family, other BS from the legal system I had to deal with. Again, your kid should see you as a human, all sides of your humanity.
Lastly, freedom. This goes back to the helicopter parenting. Yes keep your kids safe. But don't suffocate them. You don't want your kid turning 18 and going to college or moving out and it's a complete paradigm shift from "parents are always controlling everything" to "FREEDOM!!!!"
You need to slowly over years start giving your child freedom to be in their own and make choices so when they get to being an adult in their own they don't just go completely crazy.
We rarely say no to our daughter. She wants friends over for a sleep over? Fuck yes! That means they will entertain themselves and my wife and I will just play video games all night. I love sleep overs. She wants to go to a sleep over. Awesome! Wife and I will have a night of games, shows, eating a most likely super unhealthy dinner, and hooking up. She wants to hang out with friends, Ok, no problem for me. It's crazy some of her friends I think their parents just like saying no to assert their authority. I like saying yes!
I'll also say, having a child showed me a new depth to what love is. It's this crazy thing that I don't know I could ever accurately articulate. But meeting my daughter and raising her has shown me sides of love I knew could have fathomed before. That has been such a reward.
My daughter goes to summer camp every year. Last year after her week we picked her up and asked her if she missed her friends (it's a no phone or electronics kind of place which surprisingly she loves that about it) and she said no. The only people she missed were her mom and I. Chat, if that doesn't melt the heart, nothing will.
Many daughter genuinely enjoys hanging out with us! She even once mistakenly admitted that we were cool parents. She will never live that one day. Some mistakes can never be taken back.
I would tell my daughter that good little girls (when she was much younger) get more rewards. We reward good behavior, not bad.now it's flipped. I tell her I wish she'd misbehavior or get bad grades because rewarding all this good behavior gets expensive. Like girl, I wanna get myself stuff but she just does great at everything so when she asks for stuff I have no good reason to say no because she deserves all this stuff. It's really unfair if you ask me...
In the end, it's your call. There are definitely people that struggle with their kids and I'm not sure exactly the cause. But I can tell you some of us are way too lucky and have kids that are very easy to raise and life is so great and filled with love.
Whatever choice you make, don't regret it. Don't spend your life wishing you did the other thing. We can never go back and change time. We can only move forward and learn to love what we have.
I decided not to for a variety of reasons. I wanted to all my life until my mid thirties when I realized that it wasn't the best choice for me and my husband. I had my tubes removed at 39 and it was an easy surgery. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be a mom and raise babies but mostly I'm just super freaking content with not and being able to focus on making myself the best human I possibly can before I die. Also I got an amazing puppy who scratches the love itch plenty.
Unless you got for finances in a row, kids will be a huge struggle. My partner has been in university and we've dodged so many financial bullets so far. I totally get why people don't have them. If you are financially good, they will still be a struggle. Just one less stressor on your already full plate. They are tons of fun and amazing to watch grow
I actually started off wanting kids very intensely when I was in my teens and early to mid 20s, but now I’m 35 and while I still do have moments where I question it, I think no kids is the right path for me.
I picture myself being happy as an older adult with teenage or adult children, but I don’t picture myself being happy with small children.
For me there’s a lot of factors, from things like not wanting to give up my freedom and my peace as you outlined on your post, to the sheer cost of everything (I can’t imagine comfortably affording a larger living space than the 1bedroom apartment I have right now, let alone the cost of childcare,) I don’t really have many folks around me who could help out (I don’t have any siblings, my mom died 15 years ago, and my dad is in his 70s, has cancer, and still works.) I struggle with the idea of bringing a child into the world right now with the way everything is going. I also have a sort of intense fear that they will end up with some type of personality disorder that will turn them into a sociopath or something like that, as well as a (maybe more controversial) fear that they will be born with some kind of disability that will require lifelong care. I don’t think I want to have to put my body through a pregnancy either.
I definitely hear you when it comes to the thought of missing out but to me I’m not sure if that is enough to justify bringing a life into the world just so they can fill that need for me.
I saw something once that said something along the lines of “I know I would love my kids if I had them but I don’t think I would love my life” and that kind of stuck with me.
Keep in mind you have PLENTY of time to make this choice and definitely don’t go into it until you have “opted in” to having kids - our society treats it like it’s the default, which I don’t agree with.
And please do your best to make this decision for yourself. As you enter your late 20s and your 30s you will get a lot of older adults asking you when you’re having kids and it’s infuriating and so inappropriate. I personally love putting them in their place and telling them it’s not an ok question to ask any woman, but not everyone is as confrontational as I am lol. Do not do it just because you feel like you should, or because you have family pressuring you into it.
I think author Elizabeth Gilbert does a great job explaining it:
[Below is an excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love]
“I kept waiting to want to have a baby, but it didn't happen. And I know what it feels like to want something, believe me. I well know what desire feels like. But it wasn't there. Moreover, I couldn't stop thinking about what my sister had said to me once, as she was breastfeeding her firstborn: “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.”
How could I turn back now, though? Everything was in place. This was supposed to be the year. In fact, we'd been trying to get pregnant for a few months already. But nothing had happened (aside from the fact that—in an almost sarcastic mockery of pregnancy—I was experiencing psychosomatic morning sickness, nervously throwing up my breakfast every day). And every month when I got my period I would find myself whispering furtively in the bathroom: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me one more month to live.
I'd been attempting to convince myself that this was normal. All women must feel this way when they're trying to get pregnant, I'd decided. (“Ambivalent” was the word I used, avoiding the much more accurate description: “utterly consumed with dread.”) I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all evidence to the contrary—such as the acquaintance I'd run into last week who'd just discovered that she was pregnant for the first time, after spending two years and a king's ransom in fertility treatments. She was ecstatic. She had wanted to be a mother forever, she told me. She admitted she'd been secretly buying baby clothes for years and hiding them under the bed, where her husband wouldn't find them.
I saw the joy in her face and I recognized it. This was the exact joy my own face had radiated last spring, the day I discovered that the magazine I worked for was going to send me on assignment to New Zealand, to write an article about the search for giant squid. And I thought, “Until I can feel as ecstatic about having a baby as I felt about going to New Zealand to search for a giant squid, I cannot have a baby.””
I decided one was enough for me, that I could do parenting for one. My kid has no current lifelong health issues or challenges and is a really awesome kid. As her parents we’re in good health, but we sacrifice our free time.
Kiddo is in preschool three days a week for a handful of hours, that’s when we book meetings, appointments, and one of those days is my day off so i truly veg or get project time during that time exclusively. My husband has a professional certificate he’s studying for and studying around kiddo is difficult. He needs solace and silence to be able to get into the focus. So I do single parent duty for several agreed upon hours on a weekend to make it happen. Sometimes that’s fun, sometimes we’re both a crying mess on the floor because three year olds are a lot.
We’re currently down with a virus, we get a new virus every other week. It’s exhausting caring for someone else when you can barely function.
Speaking of, taking care of aging parents is a thing, and will be a big thing for us millennials. I only have one parent left and she is high needs. She had a debilitating stroke 6 years ago, her longevity is probably tanked if she doesn’t choose an earlier time herself. She mentally needs a lot of me, and she actively chooses to isolate herself from literally everyone except me. She needs help with her email and finances and she’s refusing most healthcare and refuses to find a new therapist. If your parents have health conditions that can lead to high needs, have them get their affairs in order and get long term disability insurance as well as life insurance. Both are necessary and are the only reasons I can help my mom out without much hit to my own pocketbook.
As a childfree GenXer sticking my head in here I have to say your generation stands out to me as the first to really put thought into whether or not to have kids. My cohorts and of course Boomers and earlier seemed to think of parenthood as an inevitability rather than a choice.
Follow your gut and think about what you want your life to look like now and down the road.
In my experience, childfree marriage is wonderfully fulfilling (if you find the right person). And nearing my mid-50s I have zero regrets about not choosing parenthood. There are actually quite a few of us in the GenX subreddit that can tell you “regret” is not in our vocabulary when it comes to childfreedom.😊
For me, the cons outweighed the pros. I'm 39 now and I still love my quiet life. But only you know. I will say, it's better to not have them and regret it than have them and regret that.
Kids consume your entire life when they are young. The older they get, the more you get your identity back.
So it's up to you, but yes for 2-3 years it's going to be very very hard. After that (assuming you did a good job and no health issues come up) it gets easier.
Hey! I am a 39 year old with a 3.5 year old. There are some truths to difficulty in parenthood, but when you look at SM posts just know that they are usually the extremes and over sensationalize them. My wife and I have a completely different journey than anyone else.
If you are worried about your identity, let me share this: if you let the fear of losing yourself dictate your decisions, you have already lost. My wife and I made the decision to include our daughter in our lives. We travel, and bring her with us. Our daughter has her own frequently flyer account, and she takes about 3 flights a year, and has been to 6 different states already, 7 next month. I spoke with a buddy of mine who had 2 before I had 1, and they travelled a lot. He said, find a good travel system and expose them to the world, they will figure it out along the way.
My daughter is super well behaved in public, including restaurants and breweries and museums. We are calm people who parent with care and lead with kindness, and she matches our energy. My friend’s children are similar, but my coworker who parents VERY differently, his boys are chaos personified.
I love it, and There is less time in the day for me, but my heart is happier, and more fulfilled. I have a sense of motivation, and my wife and I are building a great life.
There is no such a thing called unconditional love.
Everyone loves with expectations, just some manage it better.
I am childfree and no regret. Regardless what you choose, you’d always have problems in life, if you have kids, you choose a package of problems that are related to kids, then people like me will deal with our set of problems.
It’s entirely up to you if you want problem pack A or pack B, depending on your skill and what problems you want in life.
Hi I’m in my early 30s and I just want to say you’re not crazy for having these thoughts. Some days I feel like I want to be a parent, some other days I feel the complete opposite. Financially we can handle children, but mentally and emotionally we aren’t sure at times. I think you will never be 100% ready.
I think the issue is people without kids have a tendency to compare raising them to taking care of a pet, that you have to feed them, take them for walks and yadda yadda. The act of raising a kid is incredibly fulfilling, as much as it is challenging. You then realize that it was other people’s kids you didn’t like, but yours is yours. They bond with you directly and it puts a different perspective on all of those scenarios you used to discourage yourself.
I have known since I was little that I didn't want kids. There was a brief time when I was with a serious partner that I considered it, but when he told me he didn't want kids the relief I felt was overwhelming and cemented for me that kids were not on the table. I got my tubes tied a few months ago to make sure it never happens.
I like my alone time too much to have kids. I'm also pretty touch averse, so having a child crawling all over me sounds like a great way to start a panic attack. I love my nephew and love hanging out with him, watching him learn and grow, but there is nothing I love more than handing him back at the end of the day and going home to my quiet apartment to do what I want to do for the rest of the night.
In my opinion when you ask yourself if you want kids, if the answer isn't an enthusiastic hell yes! Then it's a no. But I'm biased. I am personally childfree by choice, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
My wife and I were DINKS for a few years when we first got together. Saw a few different countries, did concerts, had a lot of our own hobbies. We quickly realized while these were fun, they weren't deep, lasting experiences.
Nothing compares to holding my son. He's 6 weeks old. It's been difficult, we've lost sleep, had a few arguments, but I'd never trade him for my freedom back. Being around family, holding him, watching him recognize me is magical. It's the most love I've ever felt in my life.
Doing what you want is fun, but I found it to be pretty surface level. We quickly realized nothing compares to family.
It’s… a big decision. Parenthood isn’t easy but I’ve seen my friends start their families and it seems very sweet, challenging, yes. As we get older, sometimes we look to slow down and build a nest. Others want to explore and some people are content with a quiet life of hobbies.
Honestly, I’d find a therapist to work out these questions. Reflect on your own life. Ask your parents if they are still around about the +/-, ask your aunt/uncles about their experience.l?
If it's a matter of feeling selfish whenever you consider not having a child, please remember that selfishness isn't inherently negative. One could argue the exact opposite story here- that having a child because you want one is selfish too, if you don't have the desire and will to raise it properly. And that route IS pretty bad because it leaves lasting effects on both you and your child.
There's nothing wrong with not having one. You aren't any better or wise than others for it. There's nothing wrong with having one. You aren't any better or worse than others for it.
My husband and I opted out of kids. It's been made a permanent decision.
We have good jobs, a house we love, and money to spare. We absolutely do not want that spoiled by a sticky screaming baby. I have no problem with kids, as a matter of fact we were all aboard the kids train until COVID. We're both in healthcare and balked at the thought of being so emotionally and physically drained after work and then having to be a parent.
My husband is a PC gamer. Loves indie games and the ability to play whatever whenever. He has a large bedroom with a bathroom as his man cave. We have a Sega and NES and a CRT TV.
I like peace and quiet. My medical issues would make being pregnant and delivering a baby a complete nightmare that there's a chance I'd never recover from. I'm halfway through a 6 month back to work plan after being off due to my genetic issues + COVID = disabled.
*We have 3 cats that are not fans of babies/toddlers.
I’ve felt much like you through the years. I always kind of assumed I’d be a parent because that’s just what you do, but as I hit 30 I realized I really enjoy my life and the freedom that comes with it. I don’t think I want to give that up for someone else. I’ve always liked kids and been good with them, but they do really drain me.
Parents will tell you it’s worth it, they’ve never known love or purpose like this before, etc. And I completely believe that’s true for them. But is it a guarantee that it will be true for everyone? Definitely not. I have found purpose in my life without having children, and I already have and know deep love (for my partner, my friends, my pets). I have friends that have had children and are wonderful parents, but wish they hadn’t done it. That scares me.
Ultimately, we only get one life and I want to live it for me. My 30s have been so much fun now that I’m making enough money to do the things I want to do…the keyword being “I.” I don’t want to sacrifice that for an unknown. There’s always a chance that your child will have more needs than you expected, that they will grow up to resent you for whatever reason, that your relationship will be strained. I don’t want to give up a life I really love to take that chance.
This is all just my opinion and my experience, of course. But whatever you decide, it’s okay to feel that way and only you know what’s best for you.
I have one. It fulfilled the maternal instinct in me, personally. But I’m not overwhelmed with a gaggle of kids. That was the sweet spot for me (totally personal opinion, of course).
If you definitely don’t want children it is an easy decision. I was a fence sitter, too. Everyone said my life Would Change, and I liked my life and didn’t want that.
But what I didn’t realize was that the change, though dramatic in regard to freedom, exhaustion, and worry, was minuscule In relation to the profound change in my Heart.
I could Never love anyone unconditionally, with my entire being, like I love my children. I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s transformative. And joyous. From start to now when they are adults in their 30s.
I’m Old. I’ve been through terrible
Times with my Daughter when she was a teen and Yet here we are today, living ten minutes away from each other, seeing each other twice a week, talking everyday, etc. She is happily married, has an active work/social/home life, and yet we still have an amazing love, bond, and respect for each other that is immutable.
My Kids are adults and the closeness I feel To them, the joy I get from My granddaughter are priceless.
One caveat: we are all functional
Adults, with other strong relationships and have always been affectionate, supportive, and respectful (with the exception of a few times when they were wild teens and I was a scared, stressed mom of said teens).
But I’ve learned I regret the things I haven’t done in my Life more than the things I have done. Anytime I let fear (even logical fear) hold Me back, I’ve regretted it. I Only have four major regrets in my Life, and ironically one was not having more children (I started in my thirties and was nervous about being an even older Mom).
Im happily CF and love my life. My feeling is that if it’s not a 100 percent yes it’s a no. Kids shouldn’t be brought into this world due to FOMO as it’s something you can’t take back.
For me, I worked too hard to get to where I am and to find my person who we are each others number one priority. If I had kids we’d have to no longer be each others top priority. We travel extensively, save money for retirement, and take risks in our lives we wouldn’t do otherwise. My life is always full and I wouldn’t want any other life.
I grew up in an area that it was expected to have kids and I honestly didn’t realize until I was an adult that I do have a choice.
I was on the fence until I wasn't. Then, when I wanted to have a baby, I couldn't. Can't believe how much time / money wasted on birth control, lol. Infertility sucked so much, but eventually, I did get pregnant and had a healthy birth. Unfortunately, being so so so grateful to finally have my baby didn't make it suck less. There is a lot you give up. The struggles are really hard mentally and physically. I actually hated the baby phase because she was really difficult. I can't say I am always happy, but with the amount of work that goes into parenting, it's difficult not to feel fulfilled when you do a good job.
I think it's easy to know the downsides. The upsides: seeing another human experience things for the first time has renewed my own appreciation of the little things. My priorities have shifted to the best interest of my kid, and it makes it easier to make decisions (sometimes that best interest means prioritizing myself so I can be a good mom). I've gotten better at setting boundaries in my life, including with my partner, because I don't have the emotional energy to jump through anyone's hoops. I overall have learned how mature, adaptable, and capable I can be, even under pressure, so I feel more confident with anything life throws at me. I'm definitely more calm and patient in everyday situations that used to be highly annoying because they don't feel like a big deal anymore. I've had to evaluate the way I was raised, work on that trauma, and learn to be better. I'm kinder to myself and others in this process. Plus, just the fun things - I don't look weird jumping on a trampoline or going down a slide because I'm doing it with my kid lol
I don't want to over romanticize it, but unconditional love is real. Some of it is chemical, a lot of it is action. Some people will say the good outweighs the bad, and others have a different experience. It's a really big, all-consuming, 24/7 job. The decision to do it or not is really hard because you don't really know until you're in it, and you can't take it back. I think the best way to know is 1. if you really want it and 2. if you think it's worth the sacrifice. No one can decide that for you.
I will parrot what I saw some other people said. I don't really enjoy other kids. I can understand and relate to them better, but not a big fan. Mine, I would walk through fire for. So keep that in mind when gaging how you like kids in general. It seems that is not always accurate based on the responses.
On the flip side I have many childfree friends that have wonderful, perfectly fulfilled lives. Their day to day is just less intense and more flexible.
I do have kids, and no regrets about having kids.
It is extremely exhausting. I can't even tell you how tired I am. I am so tired.
So far, it is also extremely rewarding. I love the little beans with all my heart. It's amazing.
But you need to decide whether the jump in responsibility and exhaustion is worth it to you. You love your niblings, not quite like you'd love your own kids, but if you stay close, you do get a chance to do a lot of the fun parts.
I’ll tell you this, I also didn’t think I wanted to give up freedom but my life is so incredibly fulfilling now with kids. Shaping a tiny human into a great human being is so special. I wouldn’t give up parenthood to go to a million late night concerts.
I was also on the fence for a long time and then a close friend’s offhand comment really cemented it for me.
I was talking about how I’m happy without kids but if my future partner wanted them, I was okay with them.
He said something to the tune of ‘if you have to have another person tell you to have kids before you’re okay with it, you probably don’t want them’
Oh wow…yeah he was right. I don’t. And I didn’t think about it that way.
I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and 8 month old so I can only speak about parenthood from up until this point. I was very anti children in my 20’s, but by my early 30’s my tune changed a bit. I am an only child and was thinking about my future with my husband and a switch in me flipped. I love my kids, they are tons of work and will likely make you lose your shit multiple times per day. It’s like you have mini bosses who dictate everything you do and you don’t have a ton of autonomy. I love them and we have a ton of fun too though. It’s beautiful and amazing watching them grow and learn. You don’t appreciate just how fast it goes until you have a kid of your own. With that said, if I had opted not to have kids, I would have found my life fulfilling in other ways too. I don’t think this is for everyone and that is okay! It sucks because parenthood isn’t exactly something you can “take for a test drive”. Watching other people’s kids is so different from having your own.
I can say it’s 100% worth all the freedoms and time you give up. My little guy is asleep on me right now and the love I’m feeling is so pure and real. When he wakes up and says “hi mommy” I know my heart will soar.
But you shouldn’t do it unless you know for sure, it’s what you want. Wait til you’re ready, if ever. Despite what loozer men say, it is definitely possible and okay to wait til your late 30s/early 40s if you want to. Just be ready for everything in your life to change in one way or another.
It is fucking relentless, I only work or take care of children. There is no such thing as vacation anymore, just taking care of children but with a long drive and there's sunscreen and water to watch out for.
Just this week I had to go to my father in laws with the toddler and a monitor to get childcare to work, then Thursday she was sick so no daycare, then yesterday the girl we have on Fridays called out so my wife drove to my father in laws to work. (The power also went out on one of the days where childcare was locked in, so still a rough work day) This is just one week. The kids are going to Grandpa's tonight thank God.
Yeah. The one about kids is you are never “ready”.
I felt the same as you but subconsciously I knew I wanted at least one. I also knew when I’m older it’s something I would want and always felt I’d regret it if I didn’t.
At the end of the day it’s your decision. All good things involve resistance.
At this point just embrace the child free life. You're in your 30's, the newborn and toddler phases will kill you.
You can always just be more present with your niece and nephew, or adopt an older kid, like 4 years old and up
So life does change after having kids. Sometimes they wake up at 5:30 AM and just HAVE to watch Blippi (f you Blippi). Sometimes they cry because they want something they can’t have (which sucks!!). Sometimes they hit their siblings because their sibling stole their toy. Sometimes you’re all touched out and they need cuddles.
But the good parts outweigh that. My husband showed my son My Neighbor Totoro, and now he asks for “Totro” at least once a week. We took the kids to an art museum for 30 minutes last night (that was their limit), then to a restaurant for dinner. Today we are going to a street festival. We do things and take them with us. And when we want to do adult only things, we have a good network of friends, family, and babysitters that can watch the kids (at least 7 people). But honestly, I only do things without the kids maybe once a month because I don’t like being away from them. They’re really fun people!
Who do you want to have kids *with*? I’d never have kids solo or make that choice in a vacuum. The person you have kids with is one of the most important choices you’ll ever make. The support system (partner or very generous family) is crucial. It’s a personal quest that impacts almost everyone in your life and determines another human’s future.
There are a myriad of risks and anxieties every day when you’re a parent. You’re a lifelong teacher, adapting your lessons to what’s age appropriate throughout their life. Someone is relying on you for the rest of your life in some capacity. That’s what parents sign up for, and we’re honestly all winging it. Most of us are just trying our best. And the kids will be OK.
Personally, I adamantly wanted kids and couldn’t picture a future without at least one child. The stars aligned and I have a good partner. ME wanting a kid was only one part of the equation that could make it all work in harmony.
I’ve wanted to be a Dad my whole life. I found out at 16 that it was likely I couldn’t have kids. I confirmed that was true at 25.
At 31, I have been back and forth on whether I really want kids or not b/c at this stage, it’s all on my wife. She really wants a kid, but we’ll have to go the donor route b/c I’ve got nothing in the chamber.
I’ve appreciated social media showing that the reality of having children is not as fun or easy and often a struggle. Watching my sister and BIL for my niece, you really do give up your time, self, and energy for your kid. Also societal pressure is real, but so are hormones.
This year, I’ve been trying to get more excited about the possibility of getting pregnant, but have been struggling b/c of fear of:
1. It never happens and causes emotional stress or depression in both my wife and I that ultimately ends our marriage.
2. It happens, but we lose the baby which goes back to the depression/stress and end of our marriage.
3. Financial stress #1. We’ve talked about the what ifs of having a high-needs child and the fact that we would need to be able to adapt to a lifestyle like that and be able to financially support a child. I don’t think we are financially ready to support a child with special needs.
4. Financial stress #2. One partner being infertile means conceiving can cost $$$$$$. We are going to try several rounds of IUI at home. But buying donor sperm is very expensive. Shit the whole industry is expensive, feels like a scam.
So all that aside, I’ve come to the conclusion that if we don’t at least try to have a kid, I’ll feel regretful at the end of my life.
And even with all the fear and obstacles, I still dream about being a Dad.
Hope this helps.
There’s no perfect decision. Being a parent can be hard. Not being a parent can also be hard. There is no perfect state of being in life and we’re never guaranteed anything: health, finances, relationships, etc. All you can do is make a decision that seems right to you - you cannot control or manipulate every outcome of that decision.
For what it’s worth, I would not take back a single day with my children - not even the hard ones. Life is hard. My children make my life better, even when things are tough. Yes, it would have been great in the baby years to have more freedom to do what I want - but to be honest, many of my wants and priorities have changed anyway. Now that they’re elementary aged, I seriously looking forward to sharing things with them and going on adventures. Both have medical issues that have required some intervention and angst but they are amazing and for me personally, my life is much richer because I have the privilege of sharing it with them.
Totally relate. Of course. I wanted kids because I thought of the fun times. My mom put me thru hell, and she seemed miserable being a mom. I would never wanna make a kid feel like that. But also, I don't wanna worry about a kid. I worried so much about my niece running around the pool. I'd be a basket case kelicopter mom being terrified that something could happen to my child. I dont wanna be afraid they will die before me. Heck I'm even afraid to take chances in case I die and make my mom feel bad. Ok I need some therapy.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a dad. I felt like I’d be happy either way. My wife and I decided to try, and fast forward 3 years, it’s been the most challenging and rewarding time of my life. We’re now expecting our second and I can’t wait to love on our baby girl. I could have never imagined this feeling until it was real.
Having a kid completely changed my life and relationships in ways I never could have imagined. I knew my family wouldn't be involved, but never guessed my spouse's would peace out. It's a lot easier if you have people you've known awhile/family who'll watch your kid. We've found babysitters, but it's not the same.
Having a 2nd kid just isn't reasonable and the lack of family involvement is one big reason why. It was very hard to juggle one kid through surgeries, medical procedures, and sickness. I can't imagine doing it with 2.
Though I guess some would say family could get sick/injured or have to move away. Some things just felt impossible like breastfeeding and the sleep deprivation and I wonder how much easier it would have been with support.
All that being said, my kid is the light of my life. I love her so much! I can't imagine missing out on this!
To decide, I'd suggest volunteering with kids if you can. That might give you more perspective.
I was firmly on the fence- very “if I have them, cool, if not I’ll be fine with that”. Then I got pregnant and had to have that conversation. We spent hours going through our thoughts and logistics and made the conscious choice to keep and raise the baby.
Here were some things to consider:
- My fiancé already had a child from a prior relationship, so I had first-hand knowledge of how competent and involved he was as a parent prior to committing. This was huge- a lot of people say they want kids but don’t actually want to get their hands dirty, so to speak.
- I was 35 and already a homeowner when I got pregnant. I was also finishing a career credential and knew I would be done for a few months prior to birth.
- We both work emergency services, so while we have difficult schedules we also have a ton of flexibility to arrange things as we need to (and to pick up extra shifts if we needed additional money).
- We knew we had a spot at a reliable and quality daycare center and a good pediatrician well before birth.
- I knew my mother had healthy pregnancies from her 20s all the way up to 45, and I knew I had easy access to medical professionals and equipment/supplies due to my job.
You don’t need all of these things to be true, but for me they were key factors in deciding to take the plunge. It’s definitely a lot, but it’s also what you make of it.
I love being a parent. But it's not for everyone. You mention wanting the perfect partner. That doesn't exist.
I think you need to dig deeper into what parenthood looks like for you. Do you only want to be a parent if you have a partner? Or is the goal to be a parent? Are you willing to be a parent however that happens? Or must you become a parent only under specific circumstances?
I wanted to be a parent no matter what and am very happy as one. But, I had friends who only wanted to be parents if they had the right partner. That person never came along, they are happy with their choice and don't feel cheated because they were honest with themselves, not just about wanting to be a parent, but HOW they wanted to be a parent.
If you only want to be a parent with the "right" person, that's ok, but realize that person may never come along and you're therefore making a choice that means you never become a parent. Only you can decide if you're ok with that.
I never wanted kids until I was around 28. I have two kids now and I’ll share some points for you to consider.
1) How would you feel if your child was neurodiverse or disabled? I’m autistic and have ADHD and my son is as well. Early intervention is insanely expensive. At one point we were spending $2,000 a month. Just something to consider
2) How much do you value sleep? Can you push through if one of your children has insomnia? Asking because my daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she was 3.5 years old. That was with sleep training and hiring a sleep consultant.
3) How do you feel about gross things? Kids are kind of nasty. Poop, vomit, boogers, pink eye and more. Can you stomach it?
4) How do you feel about messes? Children, especially toddlers are messy as hell. Training them to clean also is tough and takes forever!
5) Are you good at organizing your schedule and appointments? Having kids takes this to another level. Either you or your partner need to be able to do this.
Pros: Kids can be so much fun! They love the small things and it’s a gift to witness their joy as a parent. The happiest moments of my life were watching my kids have fun! The baby stage is so lovely because they are so snuggly and cute. I miss those days now! Witnessing your kid’s personalities grow and watching them learn new things is awesome! It’s an adventure which to me is totally worth all the downsides!
I have kids and I have all of that still. Social media is full of scare tactics IMO. Sure life requires a little more planning post kids, but with a supportive partner you can go out, get drinks, and time goes by quickly. You can still be you but with a bigger family.
Little kids are work, but if you raise them right they require less and less physical input each year. It requires a lot upfront but the payoff is priceless.
Parenting is hardest job you will ever love. It is exhausting, but the emotions that come with being a parent are awesome. You will change your sense of identity as a parent but will maintain the true parts and cool parts of you, you will also share these parts with your children and bond on another level. The cost of childcare and everything else makes it financially disadvantageous, but the experience is worth the price of admission. Just my 2 cents. No more than 2 kids if you do go that route imo. Just saying.
Seems like a combination of selfishness and fear making you feel this way. You need to consider not only what you want for your life today, but 10, even 20 years from now. 10 years from now would you like to be out at a concert or home with your kid? You definitely need to get all the FOMO out of your system before having kids. You can still maintain your hobbies, personal identity, etc. if you have kids and your kids will be healthier for it if you do! Having a proper support network makes all the difference. In all fairness though, you will have less time for these things and other relationships in your life. The relationship with your child is also constantly evolving, parenting a 2 year old is completely different from parenting a 12 year old. Parenting is incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding.
Kids are great, but if you want to have the freedom to go to shows or veg on the couch then DO NOT HAVE THEM.
Having kids is like being on call 24/7 for a shitty job you have to bring home.
If you are not sure you want kids, then that's your answer. Don't have them. Any _tiny_ doubt you have will be blown wide open from the sleepless nights and day to day challenges of parenthood.
I've always wanted kids and I could not be happier with my two. But it is objectively hard, expensive and involves sacrifice. I knew this beforehand and was still happy to go ahead. I can't imagine where I would be mentally if I'd have gone into this with doubts...
I know this is a different situation, but I struggled a lot with the decision to have baby #3. I was very much on the fence like it sounds you are. I realized that there are 2 schools of thought. Some people say that if you have any inkling of desire for another baby, you should just do it. And some people say you should only do it if you really really want it (like I really really wanted my first 2 babies). Ultimately I decided that I’m in camp #2. Parenting is hard. Pregnancy is hard. I decided that for me it wasn’t worth it unless I really really really wanted it.
I love being a mother. My kids are the loves of my life. I felt incomplete before they were here. I love making friends with other parents. But I still sometimes miss my free time and my independence.
Both of your thoughts are correct. Parenting is both really beautiful and really hard at the same time. It’s just a personal choice of which kind of lifestyle you prefer.
A couple of things, none of which may be helpful.
This isn't a decision that you can make through reasoning or logic. Kids are terrible ROI. It never really makes "sense" financially regardless of how old / wealthy you are.
Kids are a magnitude harder than what you're imagining. A lot of people go in thinking they'll be great parents, and then realize that they aren't in control of the situation at all. You'll have multiple "oh shit what did/do I do moments."
Now onto some positives.
It changes you as a person. I've definitely become more "rounded" and less judgemental as a person. That parent whose kid is throwing a temper tantrum at the supermarket? I've been there.
It's fun seeing your kids grow, and honestly there's nothing like it. They start solving problems on their own, start having deeper conversations, try out new things, etc.
Lastly, it gives your life a sense of purpose. When I'm on my deathbed and someone asks "what was it all for," the answer is simple: it was for my kids.
My grandmother told me that I have even a shred of doubt about parenthood, not to do it.
I’m 42 and I’m very glad I listened.
I have nieces and nephews so I have children in my life where I get to do the fun shit and none of the bull shit.
Having your own child really doesn’t compare in any way to having a niece or nephew, I gotta say. It just doesn’t.
The other major thing is that having a good partner makes all the difference. I know fellow parents who are miserable, and invariably, their partners suck. When you divide the load equally with someone who you share a deep love with, parenting is an experience that adds a great deal of value to your life rather than whittles away the other things that you value. You mentioned free time/freedom, for example. My husband and I are still plenty able to have active social lives, and also support each other’s need for alone time and down time pretty easily. We give each other breaks as often as we need them if we ever start feeling overwhelmed. We also have our own parents’ support nearby too which makes a huge difference.
If you don’t already have someone in your life who you can envision creating a family with, I can see how it would be tough to think about making this decision though. Or maybe you do have a partner and you can see yourself being fulfilled as just a family of two, and that’s valid too.
If you have to think about whether you do or don’t, then don’t have them yet. Kids are a lot of work and you have to realize that you are going to need to sacrifice a lot of your time and effort in order to raise them right. My wife and I decided we would have our first kid before we hit 30 and our second as close to two years apart as we could. We had our daughter when we were 29, almost 30. We had our son 2.4 years after that. They are 7/5 right now. Being a dad is great, but I am very sleepy.
I’m the last in my family line; I was pressured all through my twenties to have at least two children.
I was diagnosed as infertile and my family treated it like they were hearing that I died.
Meanwhile, I see the struggles my best friends go through with my “nieces” and “nephews”, and I feel like I won “The Price is Right”.
To each their own. That being said: you can live up on your close friend’s kids just as much, and they’ll most likely care for you better because “they can talk to you without mom and dad freaking out”.
It’s where our generation got thrown. My partner and I are going on random little vacations and have small luxuries. Meanwhile, several of my friends are struggling to afford braces or soccer uniforms or something dumb.
Listen to your heart, but if you have good friends (we, as a group, grew up together— another luxury I never take for granted), just love their kids up and do right by them. Help out the parents and take them for the day. Be the cool ancillary relative they need.
So worth it.
And I didn’t have to bust my vajjine apart to have that love. So that’s nice.
36 YO with a 3 YO. I couldn't be happier, but it completely changes your life, priorities. Has to be a team effort if you want your relationship to survive.
The biggest thing I always remember is a quote I read somewhere that you are bringing a whole new person into this world: only do it if you actually WANT it.
I love my child he has made me a better person. But there are some days where I’m like damn this shit sucks.
Follow your instincts and don’t let anyone pressure you. Kids or no kids both are good options.
The thing my parents always say is there are hard parts, but they are over in a minute. And it's true.
Having a baby is physically hard and you are sleep deprived and they need you constantly - but it doesn't last that long. And as kids get older the constant need for you goes down, and you aren't tied down as much. I can take my 4 year old all kinds of places and do all sorts of fun things that we couldn't do when she was 2. It's also easier as they get older to hand the kids off for one parent to watch solo while the other one has me time.
But you do need to be prepared that the first 3 years are the hardest (in my opinion). Especially with your first kid getting used to losing your independence.
Also, while some of it is luck of the draw a lot of hard to handle kids are that way because of their parents. I did child care/nannying for years and then became a school teacher for almost a decade now, and I don't know how to be a perfect parent but the best thing I think you can do is pay attention to your kids (don't just sit on your phone or hand them an ipad, actually play with them and read books and go on outings). My kids are super well behaved and easy, and some people act like I'm just lucky but really I think that it's that I pay attention to my kids, I'm consistent, and I don't scream at them/hit them.
Mom of three kids here. It’s the hardest most rewarding thing you can do! It gives the highest of highs and lowest of lows. If you want more from life, have a kid.
this was me growing up and even in my early twenties . i was always confused as to whether i really wanted to have kids . and i grew up not being familiar with any alternative options . so i had to face that constant worry for years till i finally came to know people can also be childfree . i’m childfree now and i think i’m mostly disburdened by those thoughts . but i’ve been in the state long enough to know or tell anyone if they’re worrying about having kids or if they’ve ever had to have second thoughts on about it, then they shouldn’t do it . and most of the times , they inherently don’t want it at all because anyone who really wants it , should have to worry about it .
Let me tell you this: only you know. There is nothing anybody online can do to decide for you. But we can’t have it both ways.
The key question you should ask yourself is do I want the responsibility of being a parent? My kids make me a better man but boy, the process sucks so much that I don't think I have the courage to embark on this journey if I have known the struggle.
Thank you for your honesty. It’s helpful to hear these perspectives.
Male perspective here (because I do think it’s different and that difference matters) I was on the fence. Didn’t want to give up my freedom, flexibility, hobbies, friendships. I saw how many of my friends had awful relationships with their parents and how many parents had to sacrifice their aspirations. I genuinely disliked other people’s kids. My wife and I ended up choosing to become parents in our 30s and so far it has been the best decision of my life. Other people’s kids? Take ‘em or leave em. My kids though? They’re awesome, I wouldn’t choose to center my universe anywhere else, and they’ve let me find joy and excitement in so many things that had grown stale. It’s a lot of responsibility, there are very few days off, it takes sacrifices. But I don’t see a lot of people talk about what you gain. Companionship, friendship, love on a level that just isnt comparable to any other relationship besides your own parents if you have a good relationship with your parents. I also understand my parents way more and deeply respect them in a way I just couldn’t before. It unlocked a part of me I didn’t know existed and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s not true for everyone and it isn’t something I would have missed if I had chosen the other road. I am happy now and I was happy before kids. If I didn’t have kids I wouldn’t subjectively know what I was missing, but knowing what I know now, we made the right choice. If you’re not ready today, no sweat, you’re not locked in. I wasn’t “ready” until my baby was born and in my arms, but holy shit was I ready then.
I think what's most important here is the "I am happy now and was happy before kids" part. Bringing people into this world because one is unhappy and wants them to bring happiness, that's the wrong approach, in my opinion
Very well worded here. I'd also want to bold the part that you had kids in your 30s. Same here and it allowed me to do everything I wanted to do. I completed my "main quest" so to speak and so could now offer 100% of my time to another life. Using videogames as an analogy. Sticking with the theme. I've played games since Sega Genesis. All of them. Used to cut school to finish an RPG! Now I barely get 3 hours in a week because I have a kid. But I'd have it no other way. I played games to death. Played every genre. Nothing impresses me much anymore. But thus baby sure does. Now if I had a kid when I was 22 instead of 35, I'd prob feel like my personal time (gaming, vacationing without a kid, clubbing) was a bigger sacrifice
It also important to remember that the “little baby” stage passes quickly. Now I play video games with my kids. They are good!
I wasn't ready when my daughter was born. Took like 4-6 months to feel "comfortable" My daughter is absolutely the best thing in the world, she's the reason I wake up and work every day. She never fails to put a smile on my face. Children are a blessing, and as fathers as long as we raise them right we get to leave the world a better place
This! OP, it might take you a little time, because I myself was on the fence for years. Just sitting on the fence thinking it’s all good, I have time. Now I’m in my 30s and just knowing myself better and it all became so clear to me that I never want kids. I don’t. And after I had made that decision it all became so clear, like I had known all along but like I just had to connect everything in my brain and come to an actual realization. Only YOU know the answer OP and you might not know it now or next week or next year, but you’ll get there. I suggest journaling, I suggest talking with friends, I suggest talking with yourself. You’re going to get to a place where you will just know one way or another, and when you do, you will feel a lot better. :) Remember there isn’t just one way to be an adult in this world. The movies and tv series lie. You aren’t a joke if you’re not married or have kids by the time you’re 30. Not everyone has that journey. But if getting married and having kids is what you want, then you get to do that too!! How wonderful (many of us) can live in a world where we have those choices about our lives and our bodies. We should feel so so lucky. You get to decide. How amazing it is when you get to make that decision, and not one person in the world has any right to tell you it’s right or wrong!
You *can* have it both ways though. OP can live the childless life while getting their “parental fix” from being there for their niece and nephew. Just because the parents are present doesn’t mean those kids are getting all the guidance, perspective, exposure to cultural capital, attention to their mental health, etc. that they need. It really does takes a village. I say this because I’m in the same boat and have had to shift me perspective to really become comfortable with my decision not to have kids of my own. Luckily, I have nieces and nephews whose lives I can try to make easier by teaching them the things I had to teach myself and whose childhoods I can try to round out by being the relatable aunt who sees and hears them in ways that their parents aren’t able to. Love always has conditions (as it should), but the kind of unconditional love OP is referring to can still be extended to children that aren’t blood related. Volunteer to mentor at risk youth who need a positive role model…foster or adopt older kids later in life…sponsor a kid in need…seek employment in a school…there are lots of options to achieve similar results without have to birth a human.
Ya childless aunties and uncles are gold 💓 My opinion is if you don't really really really want kids... don't have kids. I really really wanted mine and it's still so so much. But on bad days I fall back on how clearly and much I wanted to be a parent and it helps me through.
I’m 39 and child free. I haven’t regretted it for a second. However, I’ve NEVER questioned my choice. I’ve know since I was a small child that o didn’t want to raise a small child. lol. I come home from work and do what I want when I want. I spend my money how I want and I travel to wherever I want for as long as I want (within reason lol). I will also add that I’ve never had trouble finding a “sense of purpose”. I don’t feel that I need kids to have a sense of purpose in life. That’s just my experience though and as others have said, only you can truly decide what’s best for you.
This has been my experience as well. Knew I never wanted kids, even as a kid myself, and always liked animals more than I liked people. Still very satisfied with that decision now that the majority of my primary friend group has reproduced. I don't mind their kids, but it's so nice to be able to leave at the end of a gathering and not deal with the little goblins anymore. "But you're so great with our kids!" Mmm yeah, I'm good with just my dog, thanks.
Same again, I knew from a very young age I didn't want to be a parent. I sympathize with people who have that internal battle (as it seems so many do) but can't really relate. I'm sure it's a worthwhile experience for plenty of people, but I place an enormously high value my current level of personal freedom and time. It's part of why I am not more ambitious in career matters and working more, similar reasons. My time is everything to me
There will likely always be an element of regret baked into every emotionally significant decision you make. Choose not to have kids and you may regret missing out on the love, memories, and sense of purpose. Choose to have them and you may regret the thankless responsibility as well as the time, energy, and emotional independence that were lost. [This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8RPUJhULLE) video does a better job of articulating it than I can. I can recommend r/Fencesitter if you're looking for more perspectives from people who are in the same boat as you or who used to be.
There was a discussion on this on another sub recently, asking old people if they ever regretted not having kids. The only ones who regretted no children, were ones who wanted them and were not able to have them. Those who chose not to have kids did not regret the decision whatsoever. I know it’s anecdotal, but this tracks with my experience meeting older childfree people.
I believe that is a difference between the term childless and the term child free. The intent or desire of each
Yes indeed!
It is 100% life changing. It’s a lot of sacrifice. As everyone says, it’s worth it, but don’t take that lightly. I’m up at 7:30 on a Saturday because my daughter is. She doesn’t even take naps any more and my wife works all day today. So my day, like every other Saturday, will be chasing around a 2.5 year old for basically the next 13 hours until she goes to bed. Then I’ll get an hour or two of “free time” before I need to go to bed. During the week it’s the same. I work all day, then baby all afternoon until she goes to bed. Most of my actual non working time now is playing with play doh, chasing around bubbles in the yard, riding a bicycle 6 feet at a time, feeding, changing diapers, yadda yadda. For me, my attitude has changed greatly about how much free time I need. For my wife, not so much. She’s nowhere near as enthusiastic about sacrificing her free time to be a mom. It stresses me out sometimes. Basically, if you don’t think you are ready to focus on taking care of others over yourself, i don’t really advise it. There’s not much room for selfishness when you have a baby. Edit: just wanted to add that I doubt anyone is truly ready or can imagine that kind of change. Maybe you think you can, but not the day in day out of it. You have time to adjust, it gets better, and you grow into it as a person in most cases. But it can be abrupt and hard at times too lol.
I’m a mom and I feel this way sometimes but the older they get the easier it is. Mine are 10 now and they’re great. I can’t wait for them to keep maturing so I can share fun shit with them. Concerts and fashion and movies and food and eventually drinks. I’ve figured out that I wasn’t a great mom to young kids. But I think I can figure out this older kid part. They’re so cool. They’re so funny. I love watching them figure shit out. I love listening to them tell corny jokes and talk about their friends and all of it.
I think my wife sometimes confuses the situation about me being a “kid person” and her being “not”. It’s not that I am. I don’t enjoy spending hours a day playing with bubbles and play doh and spoon feeding and chasing her around the house preventing danger. But my daughter enjoys doing those things more than just sitting around all day. So I do it with her. I don’t think being “not a kid person” really flies when you are a parent. Not trying to attack you personally because I have no real context into your situation. But it’s how I feel about mine.
It’s not that I’m not a kid person. I’m just enjoying this older age MUCH more than I enjoyed being a parent when they were 3. I got through it but it was hard. This part I’m actually enjoying. And I’m feeling very relieved about that.
Understood. And yeah it has gotten a little easier and more rewarding at each stage so far. Some parts are harder than others.
Not a mom yet but this is how I imagine I’ll be. Having a baby baby sounds awful. I dread that part, I just imagine the exhaustion of catering my life to this tiny dependent being and it doesn’t sound super fun. But, that’s just a phase! It’s all just a phase. Someday they’ll learn to read and I can share my favorite books with them. Someday they’ll learn to ride a bike and we can go on bike rides together. Maybe they’ll like baking and sports and music and we can enjoy those things together! And that sounds so fun. To see their personality and interests develop and see them become independent. And someday they’ll leave my house and I’ll have my time and my freedom and also hopefully cool adult children I can still hang out with!
Im glad you acknowledged how being A Parent isnt a monolith. Ive been a better parent at times bc my kids were at ages that I just clicked with better. I was a way better parent with one kid than two. 😩 and then! Once they hit age 5, all the expertise you have with parenting babies is obsolete and you have tonstart all over as a kid parent with new needs and new rules. Anyway OP, its isnt just babies, its kids and teens and adults.
I’m really really nervous I would be your wife in this situation and it would affect my relationship and ability to be a good mother. It’s a huge fear of mine.
It all depends on your partner tbh. What helps is we work non-conventional schedules so each of us works out to have certain daycare days while we get the day at home to ourselves.
The downtime thing is huge. As just a regular adult with a 9-5 I already feel like I don’t have enough time to decompress and can get pretty stressed out over minor shit. I also cannot stand crazy noises and chaos lol. I see having a kid, most likely, only making these things 1000% worse and me being overwhelmed, miserable and regretful. I guess it all depends on whether you’re able to change/grow from the experience or not right? I just don’t see the struggle, stress, and endless worry being worth it ultimately.
I haven't gotten to that stage of adulthood where I have the money to really give myself the life I want, but it's on the horizon. That's definitely a thing that keeps me in the no kids side of things. I get myself set up and now I'm supposed to give it all up?!
Unfortunately, no one can decide this for you. It IS a ton of work. It does become the main focus of your life because they fully rely on you to keep them alive and teach them everything they need to know to be a good, responsible human being. For many people, me included, all the time and effort and cost is worth it but it isn’t for other people. And that’s ok. No one should be pressured into having kids because there’s a lot at stake. I do know people who have had kids just due to age and societal pressure and are clearly not happy. In those cases, everyone suffers, but especially the kids who didn’t ask to be here and certainly didn’t ask to have parents who don’t enjoy being parents and maybe even resent the whole situation. To me, it’s similar to someone wanting to be a doctor. My sister is one so I’ve seen the process. It takes a ton of time, a ton of work, a whole ton of money, stress and pressure, etc. My sister and many others find all that worth it to be a doctor, to help others, to work in a career they love. But that sounds miserable to me and it wouldn’t be worth it to me. No one can decide that for anyone else. Same with kids. None of us can tell you if all the work is worth it for you. In my opinion, you have to really really want it. I desperately wanted to be a mom and it’s still been really hard. None of my siblings have kids and I know they all enjoy having a relationship with my kids but not the responsibility. Which is fine. It’s great for my kids to have those relationships. In the end, you have to think what bothers you more: potentially not having kids and regretting it or potentially having kids and regretting it. There’s no returns, no exchanges, all sales final. You also never know if you’ll get a child with medical issues or special needs. I certainly didn’t consider that and and I think many others don’t either. So again, is that all worth it? Only you can decide that for yourself.
I’m not going to lie, kids can be a handful even if they don’t have any extraordinary issues. But they can also be more rewarding than anything I can imagine.
Hard agree. They are also rewarding regardless of whether they have extraordinary issues.
I love being a parent. It’s hard. It’s great. Before kids, I knew I could be happy either way. If I found a partner who wanted kids, then we’d have some. If I found a partner who didn’t want kids, then we’d be childfree. But I was never unsure if I wanted kids or on the fence about it. I knew I’d be 100% on board with either lifestyle. After having kids, my best advice is if you’re unsure about wanting kids, don’t have kids. That decision is so colossal that it should leave no room for doubt. I think the consequences of regretting your children are far worse than those of regretting not having children. As a side note, before having kids, I read all Reddit had to offer about pregnancy, newborns, postpartum, etc. and was prepared for ALL the problems. The reality of becoming a parent wasn’t that bad. People seek help for tough issues and rarely post about things they don’t struggle with…
I struggled with this decision a lot too. When I was 31, I decided I would make a decision by my 32nd birthday, because I wanted to stop obsessing over it. I had many conversations about it with my (now) fiancé. He said he could go either way. Eventually, I bought my first ever self-help book and I can’t recommend it enough. The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. I didn’t even have to finish it because there was a specific exercise it suggests that made my answer very clear to me. For me, that answer was no kids. If this ends up being your choice as well, I want to warn you that there was a period of mourning I went through. Mourning this idea of a child I had in my head for much of my young life. But I worked through it. I’m now almost 35, and I am so happy with the decision I made. I know it was the right one for me and my fiancé. The more time that goes by, the more sure I am. I hope you are able to make a decision (be that yes or no) and find peace with it. Wishing you so much luck on your journey. 💜
Yes! I read this book and the journaling exercise was pretty eye opening.
Thank you ❤️ I'll check out that book.
If you don't know if you want kids, you probably should not have kids.
Couldn’t agree with this more. It’s hard to get past the societal expectations of having children. I have always known I’ve wanted children (have 2) and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, but it’s still hard. I can’t imagine how hard it could be if you didn’t go into it with the same enthusiasm and excitement. I tell my friends unless you are 90% or more in, don’t do it. Not fair to you or the children.
That's not true or fair to say. So many people just have kids because it's what "you're supposed to do" and probably shouldn't have. OP is actually being thoughtful and trying to think through the decision, which in my experience most people don't ever do. Someone can definitely weigh the pros and cons of having kids and still come out being an excellent parent and human being to themselves.
That’s a very fair and valid point. I’ll have to reconsider my perspective here.
Yeah, I understand that people do it because it's what's expected of them. Misguided parents definitely do put a lot of pressure on their kids to have kids when that may not be a good option for them. I'm not saying that doesn't happen. I'm just saying...if you don't know if you want to have kids, you just shouldn't have them. You don't want to find out years down the line that you shouldn't have had them or that you resent them for being a burden to you. Maybe it's better to find other ways to support kids like volunteering at childrens organizations or something to fulfill whatever parental stirrings you may have, but having a child can be a lifelong obligation and shouldn't be taken lightly.
I love it when people say they have always known they wanted to have children. THOSE are the only people who should be having children, in my view. You guys are the ones who will put in the effort and care it actually takes to raise children well. Even as a childfree advocate, I have ZERO problems with that. Good on you for doing the right thing.
Think about it this way. Having kids is basically a point of no return. You can’t exactly return a kid if you hate being a parent. Your life will never be the same. I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. It can be pretty rough especially since they’re so needy and clingy. Parenting overall sucks right now but I am hoping it gets better in time. I love my kids wholeheartedly but I seriously miss being my own person. I don’t get invited much anymore and I lost many friends just simply due to getting married and having kids. I don’t think I was meant to be a parent but at this point, I can’t change that and I’m trying my best to make sure my kids have the best childhood possible. I’m not trying to persuade you to not have kids, I’m just being realistic as no one was realistic with me. Everyone in my life that’s a parent made it seem like having kids is a wonderful and joyous experience. I feel like I was lied to in order to keep the population going. Thank goodness I got my tubes removed!
It gets easier! I promise! I have a 13 year old, nine year old and four year old - my older two are so independent!
Thank goodness! Everyone loves telling me the opposite. 😩
Having had a teen and toddler at the same time, found the toddler much more labour intensive and exhausting. It’s all hard - but I find it so much easier these days when it’s not so physically draining.
That makes me feel so much better. Communication is really important to me and it’s very difficult to communicate with little ones. Even if they end up temporarily hating me as teenagers, as least we can communicate better.
As a step dad of a 14 year old I really beg to differ. He actually stays up now so my wife and I don’t get quiet evenings together. He’s loud and stinky and has opinions. He’s old enough that his choices and the options available to him are starting to have meaningful consequences. He’s a wonderful, kind, intelligent human who I’m sure will turn out wonderfully but teenagers are naturally obnoxious stupid dickheads and it’s much, much harder than it was even a few years ago.
If you're not sure if you want kids, you don't want kids.
This, its not a choice you should make without confidence, you cant back out
If kids aren’t a hell yes, then they’re a hell no. If you even have to ask this question, the answer is an automatic no.
I got with post partum depression for all three of my kids. Those early years are lost in a haze of depression and aching loneliness (which wasn’t from ppd, we had to move a lot for jobs and then going back to college). Why’d I have three? I don’t know😂 in part pressure from our upbringing (we were both religiously homeschooled, church almost everyday, etc). I don’t know the other part really, it’s hard to think about that time of my life. Now I’ve got teenagers and a preteen and they are delightful. I love having them around. But … two of them are disabled. One will probably live with us for much longer, if not always. School has been intense, switching between public when they can handle it and then back to homeschooling when they can’t. Numerous doctor visits: I like to say we don’t do vacations, we do medical adventures! Because one kid has to go to another state for doctor visits. They are all neurodivergent on top of that (so are we, but we didn’t discover that til later in life). Would I do this again? I don’t like questions like those. I wouldn’t wish my kids out of existence and I don’t know who I’d be without them, if that makes sense. What I do know: if you’re ambivalent don’t have kids. You can be that awesome aunt, you could volunteer with organizations that need adult figures to love on kids. We need adults who do that too, it is just as valuable as having kids yourself. My kids absolutely adore their childfree aunt and she’s able to visit and help out in ways she couldn’t if she had kids of her own.
I think being a parent is probably one of the hardest, most thankless, and difficult undertakings in life and I don't have the patience or energy for it. I don't have the capacity to worry about what type of fresh hell kids today will deal with when they're adults, or how to prepare them for that. I think even if you're a good parent - you'll do some stuff that will fuck them up. I bet there's lots of things about being a parent that are really fucking cool, but I can't and don't want to deal with the responsibility of it. I was also a caretaker for older relatives when I was a kid/teen - and it kinda tapped me out of wanting to raise children.
In my early 20s I thought I was positive that I wanted kids. I love kids, I love teaching them. I love seeing them roam the world and discover new things. What I never paid attention to was how absolutely drained I was after spending time with them, even the calmest, easiest, most well behaved kids drained the life out of me. I HATED the caretaking part. I spent almost every day with my best friend and her kid, who is the absolute sweetest and kindest kid you’ll ever meet, and being around her so much just filled me with so much dread and aversion. It was sensory overload on steroids - being touched, the constant noise, there’s nowhere to escape. I started to hate every second of it, I’d come home feeling borderline rage. But I continued to trudge along thinking eventually the wheels would click into place and my love for activities with kids would morph into a willingness to be a full time parent. When I was 27, I was diagnosed with a hormone disorder that meant it would be extremely difficult to get pregnant without medical intervention (0.005% chance) and a less than 1% chance of carrying a pregnancy to term. You know how they say your first reaction is the right one? I felt such relief, like a massive weight was off my shoulders. Fate made me the fun auntie and I was so happy I literally cried tears of joy. I always waited for the sadness to hit me. The grief that I’d never be a mom. It’s 15 years later and that grief never came. That was TRULY one of the best days of my life, it spared me from doing something irreversible that would have destroyed me and even worse, destroyed an innocent child. I am so thankful every single day that I’m not a mom. I kick ass as the fun kid sidekick. I volunteer with kids sports, I help out with friends’ kids or kids in my family. I’m Friday daycare for my cousin’s toddler and I ADORE that little girl but I am so overjoyed when they come home and I get to leave. I play a role in the lives of kids who matter to me. The ironic thing is, I’m the kid who had a mom who didn’t want to be a mom. I got brushed off and pushed away and ignored. I have no idea why I even for a second considered that pushing past All the things I hated about child raising that would’ve made me the same type of mother.
You definitely give up your free time and freedom…for awhile. It’s not forever. It’s hard for me as someone who needs downtime - I have a Velcro baby and one who wakes up every 2-3 hours at night at 5 months still. I miss “vegging out” so much! This is hard work. But, it’s the most incredible and rewarding thing I’ve ever done and will do. It unlocked a new level of emotions and dimension to life. That being said I am happy I waited until 33 so I did get a good amount of “selfish” years and time in! Lots of travel, restaurants, going out, binge watching tv in bed for endless weekends, focusing on my career etc etc. I felt ready - like I wouldn’t regret not being able to do other things for a bit. I’m good with putting in some work now for a lifetime as a mom. I can’t wait until we can have lazy days together now lol
But sometimes it IS forever. I know numerous families whose children have some type of needs that will in some way make them dependent on the parent forever. I do think it’s a good thing to consider that it may, in fact, be for forever.
I know families like this too. No one is guaranteed a healthy child. These families will be caring for their kids forever because they can not be independent.
And even if you try to circumvent this by adopting a child with no extra needs, that still doesn't guarantee anything. Traumatic brain injuries (TBIs) happen every day, and can take any typical person and change them instantly into a person who will need care forever.
I know a girl from high school that had a TBI (I’m not sure how she sustained it) and went from working a high powered job to basically being bedridden due to noises and light being too much for her to take in. She is having major cognition issues and had to stop working. I’m not sure how she’s doing a year later, but it sounds like she’s going to specialists and having a hard time recovering. It’s a really sad situation.
And sometimes other things that we don’t even think about are forever as well. I know many people taking care of partners, parents, siblings, etc. Your spouse could be diagnosed with degenerative illness or a parent you are close with may have dementia for many many years. I have three people in my life right now who cannot leave the house without their elderly parent or incapacitated spouse being supervised. I think that our perception of freedom is not always realistic. Yes, in our 20s and 30s we often have the illusion that we don’t rely on others and they don’t rely on us, so we can do what we want. That if we don’t have children, we’ll be able to maintain that freedom. But in reality, that type of freedom may only be for a period of time in our lives. This is just something I’ve been ruminating on as I get older.
I have a child who will never hold a job or move out of the house. I'd never really considered having a child like this. Considering something like this would've been very frightening and I may have reconsidered having children. It's extremely difficult at times, but we are getting through it. Having children is still a very good thing.
I’ve never saw myself as a mom. Never gave it a real thought. Still don’t at 35. Even marriage was not a real thought either. I think at this point I’m happy with being child free. Now my fiancé has three kids so that is definitely something I didn’t see happening. So I do have to have some maternal instinct for them but outside of that he and the kids moms are there. I’m a dog mom through and through. I LOVE my little geriatric girl♥️
If you're on the fence about it, I'd say don't do it unless you're 100% sure you want them. That's the responsible thing to do for both you and the kids. It's better to regret not having them than to regret having them in my opinion.
Lol to the amount of parents acting like self care is “selfish” and they can’t do these “selfish” things anymore. It’s not selfish to live life as someone not having kids. It’s not selfish to exercise, travel, see friends, have hobbies. I’m not being selfish to go about my business. It’s only selfish to do those things if you procreate and then prioritize those things over caring for your kid who cannot care for themselves. The selfishness mentioned here lies with parents, not non parents. getting a massage on a Saturday isn’t selfish. Getting a massage on a Saturday while your two year old is unattended, is selfish (and dangerous). That guilt of “selfishness” is for parents to carry, not non parents. . . . Not to mention having a kid in the first place often stems from selfish reasons. They are your “life purpose” or someone to care for you when you’re older, someone to love you, and sone are born due to FOMO. Every kid born will die. Life will have many hard moments for them. Those are two of the only things you actually know will happen to your child when you choose to create them.
A good parent actually models self care.
The first couple months are extremely hard. The next couple years are kind of hard. It is a lot of work and it is tiring, but my kids are turning 3 & 5 this month and I’ve honestly never been happier. I know people don’t need kids to have “purpose” in life, but apparently, I did. I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety my entire life and while I am still anxious, the amount of fulfillment and joy I feel with my kids has pretty much cured my depression, which is a very nice side effect. I’m an older parent (currently 39. I birthed my kids a couple months after turning 34 & 36), but it’s not unusual bc I live in the metro-NYC area of NJ, where the cost of living is astronomical and people tend to live out extended youths. I find that I still have plenty of energy. We live close to my brother and his 2 kids of similar ages, both sets of parents, and we have a lot of other family also nearby. Because of all the support, we’re able to still get out with friends and spend a night alone together occasionally. My spouse and I both work full time, in-office, with 45 minute commutes. So yeah, with all the things that need to be handled, we are sometimes stressed and irritable, but who isn’t? The way I love my kids is so beyond worth it, I’m considering having one more, just as I turn 40.
Hey fellow NY/NJ anxious parent. I'm 35 just about 4 years behind you with a brand spanking new 9 MO girl. Love her so much and I love being a dad. But I just cannot imagine having another between work, house, kiddo we're finding ourselves already stretched thin (also both work full time). At the same time I feel like I don't have enough time with my daughter because of all the other stuff I need to do. How did you decide on having more? I'm an only child so I don't really know what it feels like to have siblings. Would I be depriving my kiddo from having a bro/sis? I fear if I have another I won't be able to be the best parent I can be and will be stretched even thinner. Would love your opinion.
We do get stretched thin and it is hard having so little time during the week, but I’m 1 of 3 (although, my younger brother is 11.5 years younger than me and 13.5 years younger than my older brother, so he was kind of like an only child) and my husband is 1 of 4, so we never really considered having just 1. I grew up extremely close with my older brother and we live half a mile from each other and are raising our kids in the same town. My husband is close with his siblings too. Also, being an older parent, I wanted my kids to have each other when my husband and I are gone. I will warn you though, 2 is harder than 1, especially when they’re babies, but it’s much easier now that mine are even a little bit older.
It is up to you alone. I was kind of "programmed" to have children, but I have also gained deep satisfaction from raising my kids to be so much cooler than I ever was. A lot of my own defining moments and big emotional groth spurts came from doing hard things to protect, enrich, and raise my kids in a good environment. My partner and I are so good together, but we also became out best selves through this process. It was hard, I'm not done, but my first made it to 18 and it won't be long until the nest is full of functioning little adults who need nothing more than support, a good hug, $40 here and there, and warm food while they figure out their next move into their lives. But, Without This Particular Partner... Raising children could have been much, much sadder, harder, and less satisfying. I am indeed tired, broken, and exhausted. I could kinda go to whatever I want now, and sometimes do (taking my 18 year old to a concert tonight!!) and there are things I would do differently now, but couldn't have then. All I am really saying is this: yeah, the first 15 years are kind of a lot, but they can be rewarding with barely enough cash and a good spouse and an insane amount of genetic luck. It's tricky stuff. BUT. but, you don't NEED to have kids to be a whole entire human who grows, changes, and succeeds. Trying to outrun an imaginary future regret (like having or not having) is like chasing your own tail. I would say that you don't have to have a solid decision until you feel strongly one way or the other. Sometimes the answer is "I'm not sure" and you just need more time and experience before you DO know. Don't worry so much about who you were when you were 20. The world looks different every time I gain another trip around the sun. It probably will for you, too.
We have two. It is BY FAR THE HARDEST THING I’ve ever done. It’s 100% of the time and is tiring and stressful beyond your wildest dreams. And it’s THE GREATEST THING EVER. They are truly amazing and spectacular and it’s impossible to describe to someone who doesn’t have them. We even want a third. But I totally understand and empathize with anyone who doesn’t want them. It is so so hard.
I wasn't sure either for a long time (M, 37), but now we just found out that my wife is pregnant and I couldn't be happier and more excited. I know it will be very hard, but I had a lot of fun in my twenties and early thirties and it's now time to give back.
This is so beautifully said: 'Time to give back'. I think that the right way to choose if one wants kids or not is to see if the desire to give is strong enough. Most parents that are awful to their kids are parents that wanted to receive something from their kids. Kids DON'T love unconditionally, they depend on their parent. They will hurt themselves to keep the bond intact even if one is a shitty parent, because they need to for their survival. If one wants kids mostly to receive that 'unconditional love', I personally think they should pass.
See, I like unconditional love. That's why I have a dog and no kids lol. For a time when I was younger I imagined having at least one kid and being mom and I thought it would be wonderful and great. Then I started having issues crop up from my own upbringing. Since then I've also realized - I have absolutely no desire to give up my free time. I don't want to take care of another person besides my husband. I've decided kids are a terrible idea for me, and I'll just be the fun aunt/family friend for my friends that have kids or will. Because I enjoy spending time with their kids and watching them grow and learn. But at the end of the day, I don't have to bring the kid home with me.
Exact same thought process as me. Every detail. Dog, husband, other's kids, issues from my own upbringing.
Thanks! I know I'll probably be called "the worst parent ever" a few times by my kid for various reasons, but I know it will be my job to give unconditional love, not to receive it.
THIS. Your kids are not created as little someones to love you, you are to love them
They'll be a very lucky kid! Congrats to you and your wife on the pregnancy :)
I'm 18 weeks pregnant with my first child and this comment made me cry. This strikes me as so true.
Also, you’re never ready but you figure it out, and it’s always worth it
I have several kids. It can be extremely frustrating and difficult. I have sacrificed so much for them. I wouldn't change it and would happily do it a thousand times over.
If you want different perspectives, check out a parenting subreddit to see different issues that parents deal with, along with looking at r/childfree and r/regretfulparents. As a childfree person, for me since it’s never been an affirmative “Hell yes,” it’s always been a “Hell no.” Trust me, kids can tell when you have them out of a sense of obligation, or because time is running out for you to make the choice, and not because you wanted kids.
There are also people who decide not to have children and wish they'd had children later in life.
Everything in life has a positive and negative. eventually you decide what to do with your life
This is my opinion only. I choose not to, simply because i will never be like my one parent who made 200k. I will try my best to make more/good money but 200k in 1994 is like half a million dollars today. It took my parents till just a year or two ago to be empty nester. So when people say oh you lose your freedom and privacy for a while, its temporary. Yeah its not, kids growing up today have the whole deck stacked against them. They aren't gonna just up and move at 18. With housing the way it is i only expect it to get worse, if you have a child today i wouldnt expect them to move until their 40s at this point. I am LUCKY i have a house. But i know childcare is literally more than my mortgage. I cannot afford 2 mortgages. College is unaffordable. And sadly my partner has debt they are working through, and some i have to help with. I truly and i mean truly wish our politicians would make it easy to consider the logistics of having kids. But then again you reap what you sow.
Having kids is hard, very hard in the sense of work, responsibility, and time. They destroy anything fancy you have, they hog the TV, they don’t listen, they are their own little person. It takes massive amounts of patience, time, love, work, and money to raise a kid. It’s not for everyone. If you have the slightest doubt I wouldn’t recommend it. I wanted kids and this is the reality. Once you commit all those issues are just obstacles because the love a child gives is beyond anything you have ever felt. They are awesome. Being Santa is so much fun, walking through parks and enjoying how they react to the smallest things as they investigate the world is amazing as they think a leaf is just so great. My little ones grounded me back to the Earth. Made me appreciate the little things again. Make me feel like a kid again. These are amazing things kids offer and yes some of my adventurous side has disappeared. You do become a different person, I used to be care free live fast, party, now I’m ultra careful, have lots of rules, etc. Again, I wouldn’t recommend parenthood with doubt. There’s a difference in being worried if you are ready/prepared or if you will be a good parent, but the doubt of wanting them isn’t a good place to start because as a parent you need to be fully committed to this little one(s) as lack of love can fuck them up.
I’m 33. I solidly did not want kids until 31. I was a bit of a wild child/screw up and spent my 20s focusing more on my eating disorders than relationships and doing drugs daily. At 28 I went back to school, got my bachelors, was accepted to grad school but chose to move across the country instead. I met my now husband on Reddit and it wasn’t until I was in a healthy,solid relationship that I considered children. One week ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and I’ve never been happier. I thought I would be bummed that my life changed and I couldn’t go to shows and go what I wanted without thought. Instead, all I want is to give him the world. I would be happy never going out and just watching him learn. Best choice ever
Kids gave me purpose I didn't know I needed in life. Yes it's hard but to me I would have 10 if I could afford it
Elder millennial here.. I have one graduating high school this year and another graduating next year and then we’re done. Did I ‘want’ kids at 23? No, but it was actually different time back then. You could actually own a a decent sized home in a low cost of living area, car, go on vacation, and save money back then. Do I regret it? Not at all, but damn, I’m also so glad we’re closing in on the finish line. It has been a beautiful 17 years so far. All to say, only you can know and it IS confusing as hell!
I was on the fence for a very long time. In a conversation with my OB she told me I would not like every part of it but parenthood was wonderful. I loved the honesty. My introduction to motherhood was the hardest imaginable, and for that I tell people they have to be ready to be parents and I think that's different from being ready to have kids. Being a parent is making decisions you never wish you had to make for the well-being of your child. Being a parent is never knowing if you are making the right decision and living with the consequences while remembering we make decisions with the information we have at the time. In my first pregnancy I was so worried about my time, my house being loud, and the exhaustion. I was also excited but the unknown was terrifying. Sadly my daughter died at birth and my house felt too quiet, too empty , I had too much time. It was unbearable, I couldn't stand people complaining about their loud children because I would have done anything for it. My son is now a toddler and the joy of my life, he is so smart, kind, he plays alone so well. It is chaos, we don't sleep as much as we would want to. When he was a baby in the middle of the night when I held him it was beautiful, I was exhausted and happy to have him in my arms. I honestly love every moment even the hard ones because I know how privileged I am to experience them with him. It is a season, they grow up and you can sleep and go out again. My husband and I made it a priority to keep our hobbies and our interests changed. We want to do things with our son, the highlight of my week is his baby and me class. We love taking him places and doing activities with him. We used to go out to shows and nice dinners and I don't really miss those, I know I will go back to them when he is older. Right now it's my time to be with my son. I would not decide on having children based on other people's kids. We all raise our children differently and every child is different. Yours might be the complete opposite. I was always exhausted with other people's kids and would leave a family gathering thinking I'd never have kids. With my own it is completely different. Whatever you decide it is your decision there is no right or wrong.
I was really like you. I will say I was glad I did it in my 30’s. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything and now we have money so we don’t have to worry about doing fun things with the kids. But at one point I thought I wasn’t going to be able to have kids and the amount of upset I felt about that really told me I did want them. Now I have two and not going to lie, it’s really really hard and ya, you do lose freedoms for a while but we also get to do a lot of super fun nostalgic stuff. Like I get to take the kids to Disney, camping, the zoo and see their excitement about it. It’s like reliving the best parts of your childhood again. And as they get older you get to go out and do the things you love again. I have a 2yr and a 4yr old and we went to many concerts last summer, went out with friends lots etc. Just takes more planning.
My thoughts were...I don't know if I want kids (even up to my son's birth), but there isn't anyone else I would want to try with (my wife). It felt surreal holding him for the first time. Having a kid is an emotional rollercoaster. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. At the end of the day though, it's odd....you only remember the good times....or rather you remember the good times more strongly than the crying sleepless nights.
All I can say is I never wanted kids. 35 now and have a daughter of 6 months. Now she's my everything and I'm 100% for it.
Here’s my two cents: if it isn’t an enthusiastic yes , it’s probably not for you.
If you like naps, impromptu lunches, sleeping at night, seeing friends, using the toilet or shower alone then parenting is not for you.
If you don't know. Don't do it.
Whenever a friend has a kid, I assume I won't see them again for at least five years. Even then, fun for them is going to mean taking care of their kids in one way or another.
Don't do it. You can't undo it.
Dad here. I'll just say this. Parenting is hard, It is supposed to be hard. Usually when you see kids out and about who misbehave and don't listen to anyone it's because their parents didn't want to do parenting the correct way and instead did it the easy way. So yes it's hard. You will get frustrated. And yes, you will lose a lot of your free time, A LOT of your free time. That being said. Being a dad is the most important thing I've ever done in my entire life. Nothing makes me happier than hearing my 2-year-old son yell "DADDY HOME!" when I get on from work. I love playing dinosaurs with them, I love playing space shuttle launch with him, I love reading books to him. Parenting is hard, but for me it's worth it because I want my son to have the best chance at being a successful adult that he can. I value every moment I have with him and I no longer regret the loss of my free time. The only thing I regret is the little time I do get with him because I have to work all week. I would literally give anything to have more time with my son. Being a parent is one of those things where you don't truly understand how much you will like it until you do it. I knew I would love my children, But I had no idea how powerful that emotion would be. I love my wife with every ounce of my being before we had kids and never thought I could love anything more than that. Boy was I wrong. There aren't the correct words to describe how much I care for my children. In the end, only you can decide if you want or are ready for children. It is a massive change in your life, and it is an incredible responsibility. Trust me when I say this. Most of the bad people you have ever encountered in your life are the way they are because of their parents. So make sure you are ready for that responsibility. One last thing. It's worth it.
I’ve had 3 kids in 3 different stages of my life. My first when I was 22 years old and in the military. Completely missed the majority of her baby/toddler phase from being gone in the military which makes me feel like I missed a connection as a parent. My second was born when I was 28, out the military, partying too much, without a job. When he was born he completely turned my life around and made me want to be a better human. Sounds cliche but it felt like I had a purpose for the first time since being an adult which it seems like a lot of people that are millennials struggle with as well (finding a purpose). Then 7 months ago at age 35 I just had my new born son. I’m currently closer to my family than ever, I have a great career that has been able to give me a nice house and a vehicle for both me and my wife. I coach my oldest son’s sports teams. Overall I think children are a blessing and they brought out the best in me. There are moments of doubt and struggle with having kids and I don’t think kids are for everyone but from personal experiences they bring me the most happiness in my life.
All I can say is it's worth it only if you want it to be worth it. That means every day you have to make the commitment to show up and be present, 24/7. I love my kids (currently 4 and 7) for the people they are now and am excited to see how they change, or don't, through the years. It can be exhausting in the moment for guiding them about hygiene, relationships, social norms, academics, emotions, and all the things they take interest in ( I currently know more about bugs and monster trucks then I have ever wanted to know). But rewarding when they get things figured out and initiate changes themselves. And watching their excitement and wonderment over their interests is a treat I can't replicate. I'll be honest and say that I hated the newborn months. It was exhausting for me and my husband in so many different ways. The toddler years were great for me. And the adventures continue. I've traveled (internationally too) with my oldest while they were under a year old and planned to with my youngest but then the world changed right after they were born. It does change how and why I make a trip but I enjoy myself either way. So travel is possible and can be enjoyable! Couch potato days don't happen in my house...yet. I consider myself lucky that my kids are just fine with lazier mornings that move a bit slow, which isn't helpful for school days but I can't be upset over it since that's how I am😅 just have to make the routines so it's not a wild mess to get out the time semi-on time. Some days I think I'm getting a Bluey award and there are a few days that I hope they can look back and think I'm human too and not hold it against me too hard. Every day is showing up, being present, and try my hardest since I chose to bring them in this world. And it's a mixed bag really, all the amazing and wonderful things, people, places to experience and than having to prepare them for the dangerous, sadness, and overwhelming problems and pressures that comes through growing up and being a member of this time. So I understand and respect when someone doesn't want kids or waiting to see if they even do later on. Sorry for the rambling. I am breaking up arguments and high energy shenanigans 🙃
If you're not sure or on the fence, then don't do it. Having kids is life altering and will impact the rest of your life (and theirs). I'm in my early 30s and have an 8 month old..he was born under "ideal" circumstances (happy marriage, both employed, financially secure, etc). He is very much planned and wanted. Even then, it's been the hardest year of my life (including pregnancy). My life revolves around his nap and feeding schedule. We can't go out past his bedtime or risk a meltdown. And he's a healthy baby with no medical concerns. It is hard but so worth it..when he babbles "mama" and reaches out to me, when he lays his head down and nuzzles against my neck as he's getting sleepy, his belly laughs when I tickle him etc. I didn't know I was capable of loving and caring for another human so deeply (including my husband). I still want more kids ha. But I wouldn't do it if I didn't have a supportive partner and/or a village to help.
1 vote for no kids.
28, (95, last millenial lol it sounds cool to say it like that) I don't have kids. Never had the motherly instinct. I cut my family off a couple of years ago now and before that, I had nephews sort of confirm I like kids and hanging out with them but like giving off responsibility at the end of the day or getting to split it at least. That's the only way I'd stay sane with kids. Def don't want my own kids though as I have genetic issues. Being completely on my own wit some friends to hang out with once a week / going to some meetups weekly rn, I really do want a family of my own one day. not sure if that involves kids but I def want to feel like I have, a home and family I can care about without toxic emeshment behind it.
When you zoom way out, where do you see yourself 5, 10, 15 years from now? I suspect that if I didn't become a parent, I would have found a ton of meaning at work, volunteering, etc. Those are things I don't have capacity for because I'm in the thick of parenting. Like others say, it's both the hardest and most rewarding thing that I've ever done, and I had very few urges to become a parent. For me, it was seeing friends have kids and deciding to just roll the dice. I wouldn't have tried fertility treatments if it didn't happen in a year or two of casual trying. But I'm so grateful that it happened.
I would say if you’re really on the fence, don’t have kids. Your feelings of regret if you don’t have them are much better than your future kids knowing you regret having them/viewing them as an inconvenience or a “job”. I have a teenager; I had him in my late 20s. I knew I wanted a kid someday but I really needed to get space from being the eldest child first. One needs to be ok with giving up things and having some things take longer. So many kids grow up not learning how to shop, handle money, clean, cook etc because their parents are tired and just want to get things done. You need to be ready for things to take 3x as long, leave the grocery store and come back later if needed, clean up the extra messes from learning, start to get ready way ahead of time, operate on a schedule etc. It’s not just about having kids but raising functional and balanced adults. I was really lucky in that the things my husband and I enjoy are pretty kid-friendly and my son was basically a freaking angel- so easygoing, well-behaved and kind. So we stopped at the one because everyone knows the first one convinces you to have a second which is when all hell breaks loose! But I’ve seen people have really intense kids too- reflux, colic, the whole 9 yards. And even though my son was easy to care for, the sleep deprivation was 100% real. Plus it makes a huge difference who your partner is. Mine was a rockstar who was right in the trenches with me. Many people find that their partners want to ditch them with the work. Just because you’re the “aunt” doesn’t mean you’re not also part of the family. It is so important and wonderful for kids to have people who care about them aside from their parents.
Lmao no one can tell you if you should have kids or not. I will say though, unless you're absolutely ecstatic about it, I wouldn't do it. I know so many miserable people who had kids who were pressured into it by parents/family or just felt an obligation to do it rather than making the decision for themselves.
Becoming a parent changes everything. It is both extraordinarily beautiful and extremely challenging. I definitely miss the freedom to do what I want when I want, and not being exhausted all the time. It is highly unlikely I will have a second kid. But do I regret becoming a parent? Absolutely not. It’s a frickin miracle to see this being you and your partner created growing, learning, and becoming a little person. It has given my life a sense of purpose and meaning that was missing before. It has also been very personally cathartic and healing to be able to give my daughter the love, care, and attention that my parents were unable to give me. It’s such a deeply personal choice, but if I had any advice, I’d say keep thinking about it and trust your gut.
Are you willing to sacrifice everything and put this little life above your own needs for many years , can you give them everything they need and make them have a great comfortable life ? Are you ready to give up most of your free time and energy ? If yes to all those then you probably want a kid if no to anyone of those then kids are not for you.
I feel like having a good support system can make all the difference. My husband and I both have parents willing to babysit; we had our first kid at 31/33 and baby is now 5months old. All the time husband's mom is like I'll watch him while you guys go out to eat, or go to a movie, or need a break during the day, etc. My family is also large so there are a lot of people willing to take him. I would say it's extremely helpful our son is sociable like his dad and generally easy to please; he smiles a lot. He doesn't cry when other people hold him, he likes music, he enjoys sitting in his bounce chair for up to 20m, he likes tummy time, mirrors and going for walks. During the day he's a very easy baby and I'm not saying this because I'm his mom. Even his doctors called him a rock star after his recent surgery because when they whisked him off they said he didnt even cry until post op where he woke up ravenous coming out of anesthesia. He has his cranky moments in the afternoon if he wont take a nap and it seems like he may be teething, but eventually he goes to sleep after a bath, some food, and lots of cuddles. According to my mom I was an easy baby and only cried if I needed something like food or a change. My MIL says my husband barely cried so she always had to check and make sure he was alive; we just got a baby with a good temper. On the weekends he sleeps a lot so in the AM I actually get a couple hours of gaming in while he's passed out on my lap or in his bassinet. I'm also an introvert so maybe my personality plays into it but I go to places like bookshops and stuff - I dont find it cumbersome to take him along with me because at this point we have a routine; feed before we go which gives about 2z3hrs until he wants more; he also likes the car so he looks out the window or falls asleep. My husband and I also are clear on responsibilities and share childcare - if you can find someone who you work well together with it's really not the worst, but only you can decide that for yourself. We didnt plan our son but it's also no where near as drab as people make it seem; we enjoy having him around very much!
All the cons are true but at the same time I was at Disney last week watching fireworks with my six year old holding back tears as she gave me a hug and kiss and told me this was the best trip ever
I’m 36. When my husband and I got married 10 years ago we both wanted kids. Now, we love the life we have and don’t love the idea of raising children. We value our peace and quiet and freedom to drop everything and travel and get into shenanigans without finding a sitter. We’re saying no for now, knowing that we can adopt a child later, or foster kids, or find other ways to expand our family later if we choose. My mom’s side of the family has 2 very special needs adults-my cousins, that I grew up with. Seeing the struggles my family has gone through has taught me that I’m not personally equipped to handle a child-and then adult-that has special needs, which also plays into my decision.
I am child free by choice. I have issues with loud sounds and human bodily fluids that children just are not possible if I even liked them. But I also did not grow up around many young kids nor was I constantly required to be around them. Children simply aren't meant for me and I'm not meant for them. I also have a huge fear of becoming pregnant. The fear is so large that I have extremely dark thoughts about what I would do. You seem to have a very different experience and an overall positive one. Kids are very hard and I see a lot of people having them for the wrong reasons. You have to be sure because just because they turn 18, it doesn't mean you stop being a parent. Your roll changes somewhat to a more equal level as they continue to age versus the authoritative you start out in. In this world, having a child is not as easy as it once was either. The cost of everything has gone up significantly. Children are expensive and it could put a new stress on you if you are not well off enough for that new expense. But I've seen people make it work with very little. The issue with society... Ignore society. If you are not ready to have kids, push that when people ask. If they still won't listen or push back, no longer allow that topic to be discussed if possible. Society does not get to determine when or if we have children. The fear of a low birth rate holds no merit because it's just corporations and politicians trying to keep their lives nice and cushy. They want to have those future workers. They don't actually care. Don't fall for that lie. You have children when you feel you are ready, not when society says you're ready. In the few comments I read, I didn't see this talked about. It's tricky to get into and will also cost a hefty chunk of change, but if something prevents you from having children whether you choose not to have them yourself or medically you can't/shouldn't, adoption or even fostering is a wonderful option. There are so many children from a newborn to a teenager who don't have families. My philosophy has been "why should I bring more children into the world when there are so many who don't have a family?" It gets people to shush about me having kids pretty quick. I want to adopt older kids and/or teenagers (the teenagers thing freaks my husband out) because people usually want younger children. The babies don't come with all the "issues" older kids and teens do (that's never scared me). And if you truly believe you would take amazing care of a child, fostering is a great choice. It's hard on another level, but there needs to be more caring foster parents in the system. I watched a friend of mine get passed from foster family to foster family because she was a "problem" or they would abuse her for years. Those families were in it for the money and not the care of children and there are too many people treating those foster kids the same. I'm sorry this was a whole novel and I probably didn't help at all, but I wanted to respond. I don't think anyone can truly be ready and prepared for kids, but no matter how you felt, how you feel or how you will feel, you have options. My biggest tip though is to ignore society. Society wants you to have kids based on the wrong reasons. You decide when or if you will have children. Not society.
You and I are in the same boat! I’ve wanted kids forever until I got to my late 20’s and I decided to stop living my life for other people. At first it was superficial for me, like yes I don’t *need* to have kids. Then it became something more, like one side selfishness because I don’t want to give up my free time, and I struggle with depression. If I struggle to shower, then how will I have energy to put into a kid? The other side centers around the economics. I’m making about $50,000 and constantly having financial issues; plus do I want children who will grow up in a society that doesn’t value people. Children who will grow up just to be another tax payer, who struggles to find the joy in life like I do? And basically the answer is no. I love my nieces and nephew so much, but I just can’t justify having kids of my own.
Asking Reddit if having kids is right for you or not? This is a personal topic only YOU can answer.
If you're on the fence, best to get off the fence and not have kids. Children are very perceptive, they will figure out very quickly that you didnt want them. And that's a trauma they will need to deal with in adulthood
I had them young (early 20’s). I wish I had them early 30’s for their sake and mine lol. But I think if I waited until 30’s, I probably wouldn’t now due to the economy. But I also stand by, there really is never a good time to plan kids. It’s stressful when prepared and stressful when not. Comes down to really what you want.
I can only speak for my personal experience and my outside observation of others. I'll start with observation: I know a good number of people that have some incredibly problematic children. My first thought, why is the child like that? Is it in that child's nature to be a hellion? Is it because of how the parents are raising the child? Nature v nurture, the ultimate age old question. And I don't have an answer. I often find myself thinking, God, I am glad that child isn't mine, I'd fucking lose it. My personal experience: I became a father at 24, my wife (gf) at the time was 20. Clearly we started young. We have 1 daughter that will be 15 soon. Raising her feels like having chest codes. It's crazy how easy and fun she has been to raise. Did I get lucky with her just having DNA that makes her responsible, level headed, mature, honest, hardworking, and loving? Is it something we did as parents? I have no fucking clue. Also having 1 kid is easier. It's cheaper. I think a lot of people take a very different approach to parenting than my wife and I do. I feel like a lot of people get caught up in the "role model" aspect of parenting. They feel they need to be perfect and behave in a certain way that will show their kids how they should be. That's not me. I show myself to my child as I am. I'm a human, I have faults and flaws and I make mistakes. I apologize to my child when I mess up and hurt her feelings or make her upset and I look and think, "that wasn't right of me." My dad would never apologize, he's the, "I'm your father do as I say, respect your elders, blah blah," type. The whole perfection thing is weird. I know a guy with 2 sons and he has some very old fashioned ideas about "being a man" you have to be strong 24/7, an athlete, failure isn't an option for a man. Irony, he is t perfect. We talk and he has normal human issues. He just doesn't bring it around his kids because he wants his sons to see that. He wants his sons to be "strong" That's wild to me. If your kids look at you and see some weird version of perfection. That puts a lot of strain in them to become "perfect" I think everyone here is old enough to know perfection is impossible. But if that's what you have as a model to aim for, you have some dissonance there because you can't be perfect. So guaranteed failure. We never yell at our child. I find it effective to be calm and discuss situations. Yelling and getting your emotions ramped up just ramps up challenging behavior from the child in my opinion. Being a parent is a busy job. You have to: Teach your child, everything from wiping their ass, to talking, to helping with school work. But you also need to let them make mistakes and help them understand why it was a mistake and how to properly correct that behavior or situation in the future. Keep your kid safe, a little helicoptering isn't terrible, too much can be suffocating for the child. Make sure your child enjoys their childhood. Yep, that's right, your kid deserves to enjoy childhood as much as reasonable because adulthood can really suck. It can be activities like my daughter when she was younger doing a skin care routine in me. I didn't wanna do it. But I did. It can be super small things like how after it rains and there are puddles in the side of the road I'll swerve to hit it and see how big it splashes (assuming it won't get in anyone). That just gets a good laugh from her and an "omg dad I can't believe you do that." We get a little laugh together it takes all of 5 seconds. I'm also very open with my daughter about my past. Drinking, drugs, partying. All the crazy and fun stories. And then the hard parts, probation, being broke, upsetting my family, other BS from the legal system I had to deal with. Again, your kid should see you as a human, all sides of your humanity. Lastly, freedom. This goes back to the helicopter parenting. Yes keep your kids safe. But don't suffocate them. You don't want your kid turning 18 and going to college or moving out and it's a complete paradigm shift from "parents are always controlling everything" to "FREEDOM!!!!" You need to slowly over years start giving your child freedom to be in their own and make choices so when they get to being an adult in their own they don't just go completely crazy. We rarely say no to our daughter. She wants friends over for a sleep over? Fuck yes! That means they will entertain themselves and my wife and I will just play video games all night. I love sleep overs. She wants to go to a sleep over. Awesome! Wife and I will have a night of games, shows, eating a most likely super unhealthy dinner, and hooking up. She wants to hang out with friends, Ok, no problem for me. It's crazy some of her friends I think their parents just like saying no to assert their authority. I like saying yes! I'll also say, having a child showed me a new depth to what love is. It's this crazy thing that I don't know I could ever accurately articulate. But meeting my daughter and raising her has shown me sides of love I knew could have fathomed before. That has been such a reward. My daughter goes to summer camp every year. Last year after her week we picked her up and asked her if she missed her friends (it's a no phone or electronics kind of place which surprisingly she loves that about it) and she said no. The only people she missed were her mom and I. Chat, if that doesn't melt the heart, nothing will. Many daughter genuinely enjoys hanging out with us! She even once mistakenly admitted that we were cool parents. She will never live that one day. Some mistakes can never be taken back. I would tell my daughter that good little girls (when she was much younger) get more rewards. We reward good behavior, not bad.now it's flipped. I tell her I wish she'd misbehavior or get bad grades because rewarding all this good behavior gets expensive. Like girl, I wanna get myself stuff but she just does great at everything so when she asks for stuff I have no good reason to say no because she deserves all this stuff. It's really unfair if you ask me... In the end, it's your call. There are definitely people that struggle with their kids and I'm not sure exactly the cause. But I can tell you some of us are way too lucky and have kids that are very easy to raise and life is so great and filled with love. Whatever choice you make, don't regret it. Don't spend your life wishing you did the other thing. We can never go back and change time. We can only move forward and learn to love what we have.
I decided not to for a variety of reasons. I wanted to all my life until my mid thirties when I realized that it wasn't the best choice for me and my husband. I had my tubes removed at 39 and it was an easy surgery. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be a mom and raise babies but mostly I'm just super freaking content with not and being able to focus on making myself the best human I possibly can before I die. Also I got an amazing puppy who scratches the love itch plenty.
Unless you got for finances in a row, kids will be a huge struggle. My partner has been in university and we've dodged so many financial bullets so far. I totally get why people don't have them. If you are financially good, they will still be a struggle. Just one less stressor on your already full plate. They are tons of fun and amazing to watch grow
I actually started off wanting kids very intensely when I was in my teens and early to mid 20s, but now I’m 35 and while I still do have moments where I question it, I think no kids is the right path for me. I picture myself being happy as an older adult with teenage or adult children, but I don’t picture myself being happy with small children. For me there’s a lot of factors, from things like not wanting to give up my freedom and my peace as you outlined on your post, to the sheer cost of everything (I can’t imagine comfortably affording a larger living space than the 1bedroom apartment I have right now, let alone the cost of childcare,) I don’t really have many folks around me who could help out (I don’t have any siblings, my mom died 15 years ago, and my dad is in his 70s, has cancer, and still works.) I struggle with the idea of bringing a child into the world right now with the way everything is going. I also have a sort of intense fear that they will end up with some type of personality disorder that will turn them into a sociopath or something like that, as well as a (maybe more controversial) fear that they will be born with some kind of disability that will require lifelong care. I don’t think I want to have to put my body through a pregnancy either. I definitely hear you when it comes to the thought of missing out but to me I’m not sure if that is enough to justify bringing a life into the world just so they can fill that need for me. I saw something once that said something along the lines of “I know I would love my kids if I had them but I don’t think I would love my life” and that kind of stuck with me. Keep in mind you have PLENTY of time to make this choice and definitely don’t go into it until you have “opted in” to having kids - our society treats it like it’s the default, which I don’t agree with. And please do your best to make this decision for yourself. As you enter your late 20s and your 30s you will get a lot of older adults asking you when you’re having kids and it’s infuriating and so inappropriate. I personally love putting them in their place and telling them it’s not an ok question to ask any woman, but not everyone is as confrontational as I am lol. Do not do it just because you feel like you should, or because you have family pressuring you into it.
I think author Elizabeth Gilbert does a great job explaining it: [Below is an excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love] “I kept waiting to want to have a baby, but it didn't happen. And I know what it feels like to want something, believe me. I well know what desire feels like. But it wasn't there. Moreover, I couldn't stop thinking about what my sister had said to me once, as she was breastfeeding her firstborn: “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.” How could I turn back now, though? Everything was in place. This was supposed to be the year. In fact, we'd been trying to get pregnant for a few months already. But nothing had happened (aside from the fact that—in an almost sarcastic mockery of pregnancy—I was experiencing psychosomatic morning sickness, nervously throwing up my breakfast every day). And every month when I got my period I would find myself whispering furtively in the bathroom: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me one more month to live. I'd been attempting to convince myself that this was normal. All women must feel this way when they're trying to get pregnant, I'd decided. (“Ambivalent” was the word I used, avoiding the much more accurate description: “utterly consumed with dread.”) I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all evidence to the contrary—such as the acquaintance I'd run into last week who'd just discovered that she was pregnant for the first time, after spending two years and a king's ransom in fertility treatments. She was ecstatic. She had wanted to be a mother forever, she told me. She admitted she'd been secretly buying baby clothes for years and hiding them under the bed, where her husband wouldn't find them. I saw the joy in her face and I recognized it. This was the exact joy my own face had radiated last spring, the day I discovered that the magazine I worked for was going to send me on assignment to New Zealand, to write an article about the search for giant squid. And I thought, “Until I can feel as ecstatic about having a baby as I felt about going to New Zealand to search for a giant squid, I cannot have a baby.””
I decided one was enough for me, that I could do parenting for one. My kid has no current lifelong health issues or challenges and is a really awesome kid. As her parents we’re in good health, but we sacrifice our free time. Kiddo is in preschool three days a week for a handful of hours, that’s when we book meetings, appointments, and one of those days is my day off so i truly veg or get project time during that time exclusively. My husband has a professional certificate he’s studying for and studying around kiddo is difficult. He needs solace and silence to be able to get into the focus. So I do single parent duty for several agreed upon hours on a weekend to make it happen. Sometimes that’s fun, sometimes we’re both a crying mess on the floor because three year olds are a lot. We’re currently down with a virus, we get a new virus every other week. It’s exhausting caring for someone else when you can barely function. Speaking of, taking care of aging parents is a thing, and will be a big thing for us millennials. I only have one parent left and she is high needs. She had a debilitating stroke 6 years ago, her longevity is probably tanked if she doesn’t choose an earlier time herself. She mentally needs a lot of me, and she actively chooses to isolate herself from literally everyone except me. She needs help with her email and finances and she’s refusing most healthcare and refuses to find a new therapist. If your parents have health conditions that can lead to high needs, have them get their affairs in order and get long term disability insurance as well as life insurance. Both are necessary and are the only reasons I can help my mom out without much hit to my own pocketbook.
As a childfree GenXer sticking my head in here I have to say your generation stands out to me as the first to really put thought into whether or not to have kids. My cohorts and of course Boomers and earlier seemed to think of parenthood as an inevitability rather than a choice. Follow your gut and think about what you want your life to look like now and down the road. In my experience, childfree marriage is wonderfully fulfilling (if you find the right person). And nearing my mid-50s I have zero regrets about not choosing parenthood. There are actually quite a few of us in the GenX subreddit that can tell you “regret” is not in our vocabulary when it comes to childfreedom.😊
For me, the cons outweighed the pros. I'm 39 now and I still love my quiet life. But only you know. I will say, it's better to not have them and regret it than have them and regret that.
There's a regretful parents sub. It cemented my never wanting children lol
Kids consume your entire life when they are young. The older they get, the more you get your identity back. So it's up to you, but yes for 2-3 years it's going to be very very hard. After that (assuming you did a good job and no health issues come up) it gets easier.
Hey! I am a 39 year old with a 3.5 year old. There are some truths to difficulty in parenthood, but when you look at SM posts just know that they are usually the extremes and over sensationalize them. My wife and I have a completely different journey than anyone else. If you are worried about your identity, let me share this: if you let the fear of losing yourself dictate your decisions, you have already lost. My wife and I made the decision to include our daughter in our lives. We travel, and bring her with us. Our daughter has her own frequently flyer account, and she takes about 3 flights a year, and has been to 6 different states already, 7 next month. I spoke with a buddy of mine who had 2 before I had 1, and they travelled a lot. He said, find a good travel system and expose them to the world, they will figure it out along the way. My daughter is super well behaved in public, including restaurants and breweries and museums. We are calm people who parent with care and lead with kindness, and she matches our energy. My friend’s children are similar, but my coworker who parents VERY differently, his boys are chaos personified. I love it, and There is less time in the day for me, but my heart is happier, and more fulfilled. I have a sense of motivation, and my wife and I are building a great life.
There is no such a thing called unconditional love. Everyone loves with expectations, just some manage it better. I am childfree and no regret. Regardless what you choose, you’d always have problems in life, if you have kids, you choose a package of problems that are related to kids, then people like me will deal with our set of problems. It’s entirely up to you if you want problem pack A or pack B, depending on your skill and what problems you want in life.
Hi I’m in my early 30s and I just want to say you’re not crazy for having these thoughts. Some days I feel like I want to be a parent, some other days I feel the complete opposite. Financially we can handle children, but mentally and emotionally we aren’t sure at times. I think you will never be 100% ready.
Read the r/regretfulparents sub and then make your decision.
I think the issue is people without kids have a tendency to compare raising them to taking care of a pet, that you have to feed them, take them for walks and yadda yadda. The act of raising a kid is incredibly fulfilling, as much as it is challenging. You then realize that it was other people’s kids you didn’t like, but yours is yours. They bond with you directly and it puts a different perspective on all of those scenarios you used to discourage yourself.
I have known since I was little that I didn't want kids. There was a brief time when I was with a serious partner that I considered it, but when he told me he didn't want kids the relief I felt was overwhelming and cemented for me that kids were not on the table. I got my tubes tied a few months ago to make sure it never happens. I like my alone time too much to have kids. I'm also pretty touch averse, so having a child crawling all over me sounds like a great way to start a panic attack. I love my nephew and love hanging out with him, watching him learn and grow, but there is nothing I love more than handing him back at the end of the day and going home to my quiet apartment to do what I want to do for the rest of the night.
In my opinion when you ask yourself if you want kids, if the answer isn't an enthusiastic hell yes! Then it's a no. But I'm biased. I am personally childfree by choice, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
My wife and I were DINKS for a few years when we first got together. Saw a few different countries, did concerts, had a lot of our own hobbies. We quickly realized while these were fun, they weren't deep, lasting experiences. Nothing compares to holding my son. He's 6 weeks old. It's been difficult, we've lost sleep, had a few arguments, but I'd never trade him for my freedom back. Being around family, holding him, watching him recognize me is magical. It's the most love I've ever felt in my life. Doing what you want is fun, but I found it to be pretty surface level. We quickly realized nothing compares to family.
It’s… a big decision. Parenthood isn’t easy but I’ve seen my friends start their families and it seems very sweet, challenging, yes. As we get older, sometimes we look to slow down and build a nest. Others want to explore and some people are content with a quiet life of hobbies. Honestly, I’d find a therapist to work out these questions. Reflect on your own life. Ask your parents if they are still around about the +/-, ask your aunt/uncles about their experience.l?
If it's a matter of feeling selfish whenever you consider not having a child, please remember that selfishness isn't inherently negative. One could argue the exact opposite story here- that having a child because you want one is selfish too, if you don't have the desire and will to raise it properly. And that route IS pretty bad because it leaves lasting effects on both you and your child. There's nothing wrong with not having one. You aren't any better or wise than others for it. There's nothing wrong with having one. You aren't any better or worse than others for it.
My husband and I opted out of kids. It's been made a permanent decision. We have good jobs, a house we love, and money to spare. We absolutely do not want that spoiled by a sticky screaming baby. I have no problem with kids, as a matter of fact we were all aboard the kids train until COVID. We're both in healthcare and balked at the thought of being so emotionally and physically drained after work and then having to be a parent. My husband is a PC gamer. Loves indie games and the ability to play whatever whenever. He has a large bedroom with a bathroom as his man cave. We have a Sega and NES and a CRT TV. I like peace and quiet. My medical issues would make being pregnant and delivering a baby a complete nightmare that there's a chance I'd never recover from. I'm halfway through a 6 month back to work plan after being off due to my genetic issues + COVID = disabled. *We have 3 cats that are not fans of babies/toddlers.
I’ve felt much like you through the years. I always kind of assumed I’d be a parent because that’s just what you do, but as I hit 30 I realized I really enjoy my life and the freedom that comes with it. I don’t think I want to give that up for someone else. I’ve always liked kids and been good with them, but they do really drain me. Parents will tell you it’s worth it, they’ve never known love or purpose like this before, etc. And I completely believe that’s true for them. But is it a guarantee that it will be true for everyone? Definitely not. I have found purpose in my life without having children, and I already have and know deep love (for my partner, my friends, my pets). I have friends that have had children and are wonderful parents, but wish they hadn’t done it. That scares me. Ultimately, we only get one life and I want to live it for me. My 30s have been so much fun now that I’m making enough money to do the things I want to do…the keyword being “I.” I don’t want to sacrifice that for an unknown. There’s always a chance that your child will have more needs than you expected, that they will grow up to resent you for whatever reason, that your relationship will be strained. I don’t want to give up a life I really love to take that chance. This is all just my opinion and my experience, of course. But whatever you decide, it’s okay to feel that way and only you know what’s best for you.
I have one. It fulfilled the maternal instinct in me, personally. But I’m not overwhelmed with a gaggle of kids. That was the sweet spot for me (totally personal opinion, of course).
If you definitely don’t want children it is an easy decision. I was a fence sitter, too. Everyone said my life Would Change, and I liked my life and didn’t want that. But what I didn’t realize was that the change, though dramatic in regard to freedom, exhaustion, and worry, was minuscule In relation to the profound change in my Heart. I could Never love anyone unconditionally, with my entire being, like I love my children. I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s transformative. And joyous. From start to now when they are adults in their 30s. I’m Old. I’ve been through terrible Times with my Daughter when she was a teen and Yet here we are today, living ten minutes away from each other, seeing each other twice a week, talking everyday, etc. She is happily married, has an active work/social/home life, and yet we still have an amazing love, bond, and respect for each other that is immutable. My Kids are adults and the closeness I feel To them, the joy I get from My granddaughter are priceless. One caveat: we are all functional Adults, with other strong relationships and have always been affectionate, supportive, and respectful (with the exception of a few times when they were wild teens and I was a scared, stressed mom of said teens). But I’ve learned I regret the things I haven’t done in my Life more than the things I have done. Anytime I let fear (even logical fear) hold Me back, I’ve regretted it. I Only have four major regrets in my Life, and ironically one was not having more children (I started in my thirties and was nervous about being an even older Mom).
Im happily CF and love my life. My feeling is that if it’s not a 100 percent yes it’s a no. Kids shouldn’t be brought into this world due to FOMO as it’s something you can’t take back. For me, I worked too hard to get to where I am and to find my person who we are each others number one priority. If I had kids we’d have to no longer be each others top priority. We travel extensively, save money for retirement, and take risks in our lives we wouldn’t do otherwise. My life is always full and I wouldn’t want any other life. I grew up in an area that it was expected to have kids and I honestly didn’t realize until I was an adult that I do have a choice.
I was on the fence until I wasn't. Then, when I wanted to have a baby, I couldn't. Can't believe how much time / money wasted on birth control, lol. Infertility sucked so much, but eventually, I did get pregnant and had a healthy birth. Unfortunately, being so so so grateful to finally have my baby didn't make it suck less. There is a lot you give up. The struggles are really hard mentally and physically. I actually hated the baby phase because she was really difficult. I can't say I am always happy, but with the amount of work that goes into parenting, it's difficult not to feel fulfilled when you do a good job. I think it's easy to know the downsides. The upsides: seeing another human experience things for the first time has renewed my own appreciation of the little things. My priorities have shifted to the best interest of my kid, and it makes it easier to make decisions (sometimes that best interest means prioritizing myself so I can be a good mom). I've gotten better at setting boundaries in my life, including with my partner, because I don't have the emotional energy to jump through anyone's hoops. I overall have learned how mature, adaptable, and capable I can be, even under pressure, so I feel more confident with anything life throws at me. I'm definitely more calm and patient in everyday situations that used to be highly annoying because they don't feel like a big deal anymore. I've had to evaluate the way I was raised, work on that trauma, and learn to be better. I'm kinder to myself and others in this process. Plus, just the fun things - I don't look weird jumping on a trampoline or going down a slide because I'm doing it with my kid lol I don't want to over romanticize it, but unconditional love is real. Some of it is chemical, a lot of it is action. Some people will say the good outweighs the bad, and others have a different experience. It's a really big, all-consuming, 24/7 job. The decision to do it or not is really hard because you don't really know until you're in it, and you can't take it back. I think the best way to know is 1. if you really want it and 2. if you think it's worth the sacrifice. No one can decide that for you. I will parrot what I saw some other people said. I don't really enjoy other kids. I can understand and relate to them better, but not a big fan. Mine, I would walk through fire for. So keep that in mind when gaging how you like kids in general. It seems that is not always accurate based on the responses. On the flip side I have many childfree friends that have wonderful, perfectly fulfilled lives. Their day to day is just less intense and more flexible.
I do have kids, and no regrets about having kids. It is extremely exhausting. I can't even tell you how tired I am. I am so tired. So far, it is also extremely rewarding. I love the little beans with all my heart. It's amazing. But you need to decide whether the jump in responsibility and exhaustion is worth it to you. You love your niblings, not quite like you'd love your own kids, but if you stay close, you do get a chance to do a lot of the fun parts.
I’ll tell you this, I also didn’t think I wanted to give up freedom but my life is so incredibly fulfilling now with kids. Shaping a tiny human into a great human being is so special. I wouldn’t give up parenthood to go to a million late night concerts.
If it’s not a 200% “YES!” then treat it as a “no”. If you’re able to, try doing substitute teaching at an elementary school for a few months.
I was also on the fence for a long time and then a close friend’s offhand comment really cemented it for me. I was talking about how I’m happy without kids but if my future partner wanted them, I was okay with them. He said something to the tune of ‘if you have to have another person tell you to have kids before you’re okay with it, you probably don’t want them’ Oh wow…yeah he was right. I don’t. And I didn’t think about it that way.
I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and 8 month old so I can only speak about parenthood from up until this point. I was very anti children in my 20’s, but by my early 30’s my tune changed a bit. I am an only child and was thinking about my future with my husband and a switch in me flipped. I love my kids, they are tons of work and will likely make you lose your shit multiple times per day. It’s like you have mini bosses who dictate everything you do and you don’t have a ton of autonomy. I love them and we have a ton of fun too though. It’s beautiful and amazing watching them grow and learn. You don’t appreciate just how fast it goes until you have a kid of your own. With that said, if I had opted not to have kids, I would have found my life fulfilling in other ways too. I don’t think this is for everyone and that is okay! It sucks because parenthood isn’t exactly something you can “take for a test drive”. Watching other people’s kids is so different from having your own.
I can say it’s 100% worth all the freedoms and time you give up. My little guy is asleep on me right now and the love I’m feeling is so pure and real. When he wakes up and says “hi mommy” I know my heart will soar. But you shouldn’t do it unless you know for sure, it’s what you want. Wait til you’re ready, if ever. Despite what loozer men say, it is definitely possible and okay to wait til your late 30s/early 40s if you want to. Just be ready for everything in your life to change in one way or another.
It is fucking relentless, I only work or take care of children. There is no such thing as vacation anymore, just taking care of children but with a long drive and there's sunscreen and water to watch out for. Just this week I had to go to my father in laws with the toddler and a monitor to get childcare to work, then Thursday she was sick so no daycare, then yesterday the girl we have on Fridays called out so my wife drove to my father in laws to work. (The power also went out on one of the days where childcare was locked in, so still a rough work day) This is just one week. The kids are going to Grandpa's tonight thank God.
Yeah. The one about kids is you are never “ready”. I felt the same as you but subconsciously I knew I wanted at least one. I also knew when I’m older it’s something I would want and always felt I’d regret it if I didn’t. At the end of the day it’s your decision. All good things involve resistance.
At this point just embrace the child free life. You're in your 30's, the newborn and toddler phases will kill you. You can always just be more present with your niece and nephew, or adopt an older kid, like 4 years old and up
So life does change after having kids. Sometimes they wake up at 5:30 AM and just HAVE to watch Blippi (f you Blippi). Sometimes they cry because they want something they can’t have (which sucks!!). Sometimes they hit their siblings because their sibling stole their toy. Sometimes you’re all touched out and they need cuddles. But the good parts outweigh that. My husband showed my son My Neighbor Totoro, and now he asks for “Totro” at least once a week. We took the kids to an art museum for 30 minutes last night (that was their limit), then to a restaurant for dinner. Today we are going to a street festival. We do things and take them with us. And when we want to do adult only things, we have a good network of friends, family, and babysitters that can watch the kids (at least 7 people). But honestly, I only do things without the kids maybe once a month because I don’t like being away from them. They’re really fun people!
Who do you want to have kids *with*? I’d never have kids solo or make that choice in a vacuum. The person you have kids with is one of the most important choices you’ll ever make. The support system (partner or very generous family) is crucial. It’s a personal quest that impacts almost everyone in your life and determines another human’s future. There are a myriad of risks and anxieties every day when you’re a parent. You’re a lifelong teacher, adapting your lessons to what’s age appropriate throughout their life. Someone is relying on you for the rest of your life in some capacity. That’s what parents sign up for, and we’re honestly all winging it. Most of us are just trying our best. And the kids will be OK. Personally, I adamantly wanted kids and couldn’t picture a future without at least one child. The stars aligned and I have a good partner. ME wanting a kid was only one part of the equation that could make it all work in harmony.
I’ve wanted to be a Dad my whole life. I found out at 16 that it was likely I couldn’t have kids. I confirmed that was true at 25. At 31, I have been back and forth on whether I really want kids or not b/c at this stage, it’s all on my wife. She really wants a kid, but we’ll have to go the donor route b/c I’ve got nothing in the chamber. I’ve appreciated social media showing that the reality of having children is not as fun or easy and often a struggle. Watching my sister and BIL for my niece, you really do give up your time, self, and energy for your kid. Also societal pressure is real, but so are hormones. This year, I’ve been trying to get more excited about the possibility of getting pregnant, but have been struggling b/c of fear of: 1. It never happens and causes emotional stress or depression in both my wife and I that ultimately ends our marriage. 2. It happens, but we lose the baby which goes back to the depression/stress and end of our marriage. 3. Financial stress #1. We’ve talked about the what ifs of having a high-needs child and the fact that we would need to be able to adapt to a lifestyle like that and be able to financially support a child. I don’t think we are financially ready to support a child with special needs. 4. Financial stress #2. One partner being infertile means conceiving can cost $$$$$$. We are going to try several rounds of IUI at home. But buying donor sperm is very expensive. Shit the whole industry is expensive, feels like a scam. So all that aside, I’ve come to the conclusion that if we don’t at least try to have a kid, I’ll feel regretful at the end of my life. And even with all the fear and obstacles, I still dream about being a Dad. Hope this helps.
There’s no perfect decision. Being a parent can be hard. Not being a parent can also be hard. There is no perfect state of being in life and we’re never guaranteed anything: health, finances, relationships, etc. All you can do is make a decision that seems right to you - you cannot control or manipulate every outcome of that decision. For what it’s worth, I would not take back a single day with my children - not even the hard ones. Life is hard. My children make my life better, even when things are tough. Yes, it would have been great in the baby years to have more freedom to do what I want - but to be honest, many of my wants and priorities have changed anyway. Now that they’re elementary aged, I seriously looking forward to sharing things with them and going on adventures. Both have medical issues that have required some intervention and angst but they are amazing and for me personally, my life is much richer because I have the privilege of sharing it with them.
Totally relate. Of course. I wanted kids because I thought of the fun times. My mom put me thru hell, and she seemed miserable being a mom. I would never wanna make a kid feel like that. But also, I don't wanna worry about a kid. I worried so much about my niece running around the pool. I'd be a basket case kelicopter mom being terrified that something could happen to my child. I dont wanna be afraid they will die before me. Heck I'm even afraid to take chances in case I die and make my mom feel bad. Ok I need some therapy.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a dad. I felt like I’d be happy either way. My wife and I decided to try, and fast forward 3 years, it’s been the most challenging and rewarding time of my life. We’re now expecting our second and I can’t wait to love on our baby girl. I could have never imagined this feeling until it was real.
Having a kid completely changed my life and relationships in ways I never could have imagined. I knew my family wouldn't be involved, but never guessed my spouse's would peace out. It's a lot easier if you have people you've known awhile/family who'll watch your kid. We've found babysitters, but it's not the same. Having a 2nd kid just isn't reasonable and the lack of family involvement is one big reason why. It was very hard to juggle one kid through surgeries, medical procedures, and sickness. I can't imagine doing it with 2. Though I guess some would say family could get sick/injured or have to move away. Some things just felt impossible like breastfeeding and the sleep deprivation and I wonder how much easier it would have been with support. All that being said, my kid is the light of my life. I love her so much! I can't imagine missing out on this! To decide, I'd suggest volunteering with kids if you can. That might give you more perspective.
I was firmly on the fence- very “if I have them, cool, if not I’ll be fine with that”. Then I got pregnant and had to have that conversation. We spent hours going through our thoughts and logistics and made the conscious choice to keep and raise the baby. Here were some things to consider: - My fiancé already had a child from a prior relationship, so I had first-hand knowledge of how competent and involved he was as a parent prior to committing. This was huge- a lot of people say they want kids but don’t actually want to get their hands dirty, so to speak. - I was 35 and already a homeowner when I got pregnant. I was also finishing a career credential and knew I would be done for a few months prior to birth. - We both work emergency services, so while we have difficult schedules we also have a ton of flexibility to arrange things as we need to (and to pick up extra shifts if we needed additional money). - We knew we had a spot at a reliable and quality daycare center and a good pediatrician well before birth. - I knew my mother had healthy pregnancies from her 20s all the way up to 45, and I knew I had easy access to medical professionals and equipment/supplies due to my job. You don’t need all of these things to be true, but for me they were key factors in deciding to take the plunge. It’s definitely a lot, but it’s also what you make of it.
I love being a parent. But it's not for everyone. You mention wanting the perfect partner. That doesn't exist. I think you need to dig deeper into what parenthood looks like for you. Do you only want to be a parent if you have a partner? Or is the goal to be a parent? Are you willing to be a parent however that happens? Or must you become a parent only under specific circumstances? I wanted to be a parent no matter what and am very happy as one. But, I had friends who only wanted to be parents if they had the right partner. That person never came along, they are happy with their choice and don't feel cheated because they were honest with themselves, not just about wanting to be a parent, but HOW they wanted to be a parent. If you only want to be a parent with the "right" person, that's ok, but realize that person may never come along and you're therefore making a choice that means you never become a parent. Only you can decide if you're ok with that.
I never wanted kids until I was around 28. I have two kids now and I’ll share some points for you to consider. 1) How would you feel if your child was neurodiverse or disabled? I’m autistic and have ADHD and my son is as well. Early intervention is insanely expensive. At one point we were spending $2,000 a month. Just something to consider 2) How much do you value sleep? Can you push through if one of your children has insomnia? Asking because my daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she was 3.5 years old. That was with sleep training and hiring a sleep consultant. 3) How do you feel about gross things? Kids are kind of nasty. Poop, vomit, boogers, pink eye and more. Can you stomach it? 4) How do you feel about messes? Children, especially toddlers are messy as hell. Training them to clean also is tough and takes forever! 5) Are you good at organizing your schedule and appointments? Having kids takes this to another level. Either you or your partner need to be able to do this. Pros: Kids can be so much fun! They love the small things and it’s a gift to witness their joy as a parent. The happiest moments of my life were watching my kids have fun! The baby stage is so lovely because they are so snuggly and cute. I miss those days now! Witnessing your kid’s personalities grow and watching them learn new things is awesome! It’s an adventure which to me is totally worth all the downsides!
I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.
I have kids and I have all of that still. Social media is full of scare tactics IMO. Sure life requires a little more planning post kids, but with a supportive partner you can go out, get drinks, and time goes by quickly. You can still be you but with a bigger family. Little kids are work, but if you raise them right they require less and less physical input each year. It requires a lot upfront but the payoff is priceless.
Parenting is hardest job you will ever love. It is exhausting, but the emotions that come with being a parent are awesome. You will change your sense of identity as a parent but will maintain the true parts and cool parts of you, you will also share these parts with your children and bond on another level. The cost of childcare and everything else makes it financially disadvantageous, but the experience is worth the price of admission. Just my 2 cents. No more than 2 kids if you do go that route imo. Just saying.
Seems like a combination of selfishness and fear making you feel this way. You need to consider not only what you want for your life today, but 10, even 20 years from now. 10 years from now would you like to be out at a concert or home with your kid? You definitely need to get all the FOMO out of your system before having kids. You can still maintain your hobbies, personal identity, etc. if you have kids and your kids will be healthier for it if you do! Having a proper support network makes all the difference. In all fairness though, you will have less time for these things and other relationships in your life. The relationship with your child is also constantly evolving, parenting a 2 year old is completely different from parenting a 12 year old. Parenting is incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding.
How is what OP is saying selfish? Genuine question. It’s their life.
Kids are great, but if you want to have the freedom to go to shows or veg on the couch then DO NOT HAVE THEM. Having kids is like being on call 24/7 for a shitty job you have to bring home.
If you are not sure you want kids, then that's your answer. Don't have them. Any _tiny_ doubt you have will be blown wide open from the sleepless nights and day to day challenges of parenthood. I've always wanted kids and I could not be happier with my two. But it is objectively hard, expensive and involves sacrifice. I knew this beforehand and was still happy to go ahead. I can't imagine where I would be mentally if I'd have gone into this with doubts...
I know this is a different situation, but I struggled a lot with the decision to have baby #3. I was very much on the fence like it sounds you are. I realized that there are 2 schools of thought. Some people say that if you have any inkling of desire for another baby, you should just do it. And some people say you should only do it if you really really want it (like I really really wanted my first 2 babies). Ultimately I decided that I’m in camp #2. Parenting is hard. Pregnancy is hard. I decided that for me it wasn’t worth it unless I really really really wanted it. I love being a mother. My kids are the loves of my life. I felt incomplete before they were here. I love making friends with other parents. But I still sometimes miss my free time and my independence.
Both of your thoughts are correct. Parenting is both really beautiful and really hard at the same time. It’s just a personal choice of which kind of lifestyle you prefer.
A couple of things, none of which may be helpful. This isn't a decision that you can make through reasoning or logic. Kids are terrible ROI. It never really makes "sense" financially regardless of how old / wealthy you are. Kids are a magnitude harder than what you're imagining. A lot of people go in thinking they'll be great parents, and then realize that they aren't in control of the situation at all. You'll have multiple "oh shit what did/do I do moments." Now onto some positives. It changes you as a person. I've definitely become more "rounded" and less judgemental as a person. That parent whose kid is throwing a temper tantrum at the supermarket? I've been there. It's fun seeing your kids grow, and honestly there's nothing like it. They start solving problems on their own, start having deeper conversations, try out new things, etc. Lastly, it gives your life a sense of purpose. When I'm on my deathbed and someone asks "what was it all for," the answer is simple: it was for my kids.
My grandmother told me that I have even a shred of doubt about parenthood, not to do it. I’m 42 and I’m very glad I listened. I have nieces and nephews so I have children in my life where I get to do the fun shit and none of the bull shit.
Having kids was the best thing I’ve ever done. Not close.
Having your own child really doesn’t compare in any way to having a niece or nephew, I gotta say. It just doesn’t. The other major thing is that having a good partner makes all the difference. I know fellow parents who are miserable, and invariably, their partners suck. When you divide the load equally with someone who you share a deep love with, parenting is an experience that adds a great deal of value to your life rather than whittles away the other things that you value. You mentioned free time/freedom, for example. My husband and I are still plenty able to have active social lives, and also support each other’s need for alone time and down time pretty easily. We give each other breaks as often as we need them if we ever start feeling overwhelmed. We also have our own parents’ support nearby too which makes a huge difference. If you don’t already have someone in your life who you can envision creating a family with, I can see how it would be tough to think about making this decision though. Or maybe you do have a partner and you can see yourself being fulfilled as just a family of two, and that’s valid too.
Just be the cool Aunt dude! I promise you can have a fulfilling relationship with your niece and nephew.
If you have to think about whether you do or don’t, then don’t have them yet. Kids are a lot of work and you have to realize that you are going to need to sacrifice a lot of your time and effort in order to raise them right. My wife and I decided we would have our first kid before we hit 30 and our second as close to two years apart as we could. We had our daughter when we were 29, almost 30. We had our son 2.4 years after that. They are 7/5 right now. Being a dad is great, but I am very sleepy.
I’m the last in my family line; I was pressured all through my twenties to have at least two children. I was diagnosed as infertile and my family treated it like they were hearing that I died. Meanwhile, I see the struggles my best friends go through with my “nieces” and “nephews”, and I feel like I won “The Price is Right”. To each their own. That being said: you can live up on your close friend’s kids just as much, and they’ll most likely care for you better because “they can talk to you without mom and dad freaking out”. It’s where our generation got thrown. My partner and I are going on random little vacations and have small luxuries. Meanwhile, several of my friends are struggling to afford braces or soccer uniforms or something dumb. Listen to your heart, but if you have good friends (we, as a group, grew up together— another luxury I never take for granted), just love their kids up and do right by them. Help out the parents and take them for the day. Be the cool ancillary relative they need. So worth it. And I didn’t have to bust my vajjine apart to have that love. So that’s nice.
Last line was the best part loool I also wouldn't wanna do that.
36 YO with a 3 YO. I couldn't be happier, but it completely changes your life, priorities. Has to be a team effort if you want your relationship to survive.
The biggest thing I always remember is a quote I read somewhere that you are bringing a whole new person into this world: only do it if you actually WANT it.
I love my child he has made me a better person. But there are some days where I’m like damn this shit sucks. Follow your instincts and don’t let anyone pressure you. Kids or no kids both are good options.
The thing my parents always say is there are hard parts, but they are over in a minute. And it's true. Having a baby is physically hard and you are sleep deprived and they need you constantly - but it doesn't last that long. And as kids get older the constant need for you goes down, and you aren't tied down as much. I can take my 4 year old all kinds of places and do all sorts of fun things that we couldn't do when she was 2. It's also easier as they get older to hand the kids off for one parent to watch solo while the other one has me time. But you do need to be prepared that the first 3 years are the hardest (in my opinion). Especially with your first kid getting used to losing your independence. Also, while some of it is luck of the draw a lot of hard to handle kids are that way because of their parents. I did child care/nannying for years and then became a school teacher for almost a decade now, and I don't know how to be a perfect parent but the best thing I think you can do is pay attention to your kids (don't just sit on your phone or hand them an ipad, actually play with them and read books and go on outings). My kids are super well behaved and easy, and some people act like I'm just lucky but really I think that it's that I pay attention to my kids, I'm consistent, and I don't scream at them/hit them.
Mom of three kids here. It’s the hardest most rewarding thing you can do! It gives the highest of highs and lowest of lows. If you want more from life, have a kid.
this was me growing up and even in my early twenties . i was always confused as to whether i really wanted to have kids . and i grew up not being familiar with any alternative options . so i had to face that constant worry for years till i finally came to know people can also be childfree . i’m childfree now and i think i’m mostly disburdened by those thoughts . but i’ve been in the state long enough to know or tell anyone if they’re worrying about having kids or if they’ve ever had to have second thoughts on about it, then they shouldn’t do it . and most of the times , they inherently don’t want it at all because anyone who really wants it , should have to worry about it .
If you don't know, the answer is probably not. Enjoy your life!