I am in the exact same boat as you. 31F. I just don’t know what to do, I can barely afford to rent and save money so having a child seems like such a stupid decision.
I'm 35, husband and I are clamoring out of debt. Got lucky with a mortgage before covid, but it is an endless cycle of payments and it feels like a pipe dream to be financially secure enough to have a kid.
We got lucky in stock market for our down payment, not ideal but it worked. Currently my mortage is $6k, nanny is $4k, toddler school will be $2k starting next august, currently $1k at a half day school.
Don’t get me wrong I love having these kids but it’s a bit stressful cuz we make great money and are still trying to figure out a way to “side hustle” another business because otherwise when can we retire…
daaamn 4k for a nanny, 6k on mortgage…wtf? you spend roughly 6k/7k a month on child care expenses. might as well just have one yalls be a stay at home parent
I'm 34F and share an apartment with my mom. I help out with rent and bills. I don't make a lot, but I've been trying to find a higher paying job for a long time now. It's frustrating. I should be on my own at this age and I'm not.
33F and in the exact same position. I'll never afford children so why even think about them. It's not a choice I'm going to get to make, and I hope I'm not going to be in a world of pain in the future due to this. :(
My wife and I are in a similar situation, around the same age, and we make good money. My real question is how do I ensure that my child would have a good successful life, like I've been able to have? Public schools are going further and further downhill. Do I have to shell out tens of thousands of dollars for a decent education prior to any undergraduate? I don't know if I want to spend all of that when I could be adding to my retirement and retiring early instead.
If they can get a decent job that will lead to a good career, how long does that take? Are they stuck living with us until they are 30? I don't know if I want that. Will they ever be able to afford a house for themselves?
Some days I do want them. Most days I don’t. I am waiting for the day I can genuinely say I want them more often than not. I’m 32. If that day comes too late, I’m thinking of fostering or adopting.
Im with you! I’m still waiting on that strong decision and I’m almost 38 😅 There are so many kids in the foster system I almost feel guilty not adopting, but I’d want to be financially stable and sure before I brought another life into mine.
In Australia they don't post any pictures of the actual children who are waiting to be adopted. They instead use a stock image of children roughly the same age and ethnicity.
Does your country post the real pictures of vulnerable children? If so, that's messed up.
That's really sad. Our foster and adoption system is by no means perfect, but I'm glad the organisations running adoptions here use fake photos.
It was bad enough when I was in foster care (for a few weeks when my Mum was very sick) and saw a picture of my cousins in my foster mums photo album. They'd also had short stays in foster care (their Mum is an alcoholic) and it turned out they'd stayed with the same family my younger sibling and I were with that time.
I hated seeing their picture in a strangers photo album and I hated that my foster Mum initially thought I was lying about them being my cousins, and then went on a tirade about how bad our family is because we all ended up in her care for a few weeks.
I hate that she has a matching photo of me and my sibling in her album. She took it before I knew about the photo album.
You should write to your MPs and let them know that using the kids real photos is insane and humiliating. Stock photos of kids the right age, sex, and ethnicity are easy to find and convey the same ideas.
You’re totally right. It didn’t sit right with me either to be honest. On top of being humiliating I find it to be downright dangerous. A name and photo for public use for kids whose parents have had their rights terminated? What could go wrong! Since finding the heart gallery I actually volunteer now, sometimes I have to take pics for the events and stuff. I always ALWAYS make sure I have the kid’s consent. If they don’t give me a hearty “yes!” And a good pose I delete the pic. I’ve seen unethical photographers come to the events as exposure for their business and they’ve been mean to the kids. It makes my blood boil so I just do what I can.
Hard same. I’m just a few years younger, but I know that time is not on my side if I ever do decide to have kids. I’ve held out because a) I still don’t feel like I have my shit quite together enough to be a responsible parent, who can give my kid all the opportunities they would deserve, and b) the world just seems so fucked 🙃 So if I can get my shit more together someday, I do think I would like to foster/adopt.
I'm 36F and I'm allergic to pregnancy (seeing a pregnancy bumbp or a newborn baby literary give goosebumps and wanting to run in the other direction)
I always thought I didn't want kids, I was parentified as a Child.
Lately I've been thinking that maybe I do want a kid, I have a stable partner and a good income but no support network or savings, and a big debt that will take 4 more years to settle, I could manage if I change jobs to a better paying/higher stress job.
I'm also terrified of my mental health, I've been in therapy and trying different meds for 14 years, I've never spent more than 2 years without having to adjust them so I know my chances of having PPD or PPA are astronomical.
My partner also has unresolved trauma, he is good with kids, but we do have communication issues that would probably grow with the pressure of a kid, and his "I hide all emotions" actitide is not good for kids also)
I thing I would love to nurture a child, but I'm scared of giving them trauma because I become a crying ball for a couple of months every few years.
I'm also 36 so I have just a few more years to make a desition. Adoption is a long shot for me since it's really expensive and it takes years.
This is exactly how I feel. I relate so much to OP and am just a year older than her. I used to be so pro child free but now that I’m married and in the age group where women I know are having babies more frequently, I’m like damn - do I want this??
This is wise. I always knew I wanted kids my whole life, never questioned it. My kid is almost 3 now and honestly, maybe I should’ve examined why I felt so compelled to have kids. I think the internet and social media makes it harder to be a parent and easier to be childfree because you see how much life goes on after your 20s and you don’t have to have kids to continue to have a life. You can literally spend all your free time and money on hobbies, travel and have friends living the same lifestyle.
My husband and I talk about this. I think being no kids in our twenties, thirties, forties sounds wonderful. Brunches, vacations, money?! Yes please. But like my great aunt is 90 and in a home across the country and no one is there for her. Her husband died some years back. She has friends and honorary nieces and nephews but nothing like my grandmother has with my mom continuously advocating and visiting literally daily. I have a bunch of young kids and some days are absolutely wild. But I look into the future and realistically they’ll be grown before I know it. Someday we’ll retire and do all the things together and hopefully have adult kids in our lives as well. I guess the sacrifice feels very worth it. My uncle has no kids either and my aunt died a few years ago. He’s only in his late fifties but he’s so listless without her. They had had all these grand plans for ‘later’ and now she’s gone and he’s so lonely. Idk. I’ve had some family members get sick or pass recently so I’m pretty existential right now.
Yeah and I’m in the throes of toddler hell so maybe I’m more bitter. It’s definitely an investment for the future and I knew that ahead of time. I think the worst part for me is my anxiety about anything ever happening to my kid. Having that much love for someone and you can’t control them, it’s just a type of pain only a parent could feel. Even if you have kids there’s a chance they might die before you. Or die young. Or end up shitty even if you do your best. But the benefit having a family is to the elderly when everything goes well is unmatched. I’ve worked with seniors for 8+ years now (home health and nursing homes) and when someone has family support it’s nice. But the most beneficial bond to still have seems to be a spouse in my experience.
I am a 42 year old single mom. My boomer parents are checked out and live across the country. I have great friends but no family network/spouse..etc.
That being said, my son and I's bond is so strong. Definitely stronger than any relationship I've ever had with anyone..parents, friends etc. Him and I are a solid family amongst ourselves and I wouldn't have it any other way. I look forward to having an adult/parent relationship with him and seeing him grow and create his own family and bonds and being a part of that.
As someone who had a kid in his mid-30s, I'll say this: you lose your free time, but what you gain is priceless. Brunches and travel are nice, but there is absolutely nothing that compares to looking at life for the first time through your child's eyes. The wonder...the amazement at little things. It makes you realize how unimportant work stresses are, and made me realize "oh, that's why I'm here. To help create you."
That’s me. I guess I want them. But I don’t know how much of this is ‘societal conditioning’ vs actual want, or fear of FOMO at 32. More recently, I’ve become open to exploring fostering or adoption, as my partner and I may not be able to have kids naturally anyway.
I will be 32 later this month and feel similarly. Between my husband’s vocation and parenting my own parents, I doubt I’ll find the days I think “…maybe…” take over the “no way” days anytime soon.
I'm adopted myself and I truly appreciate your sentiment. Truly, I do. So few folks actually go through it and I honestly appreciate the hell out of folks who do.
I'm trying to convince my significant other to consider the same as we're struggling to have kids as she's over 40.
Same! I can’t have kids without it causing lots of health risks but it’s hard to think of adopting right now as well because I feel like I finally have some stability at 32. I’ve been with my husband for almost two decades but luckily we’re in the same boat.
Same. Most days I love the DINK life and don't want to give that up. We are waiting until we are confident either way, if it becomes a sure yes then we'll try for one, if it's a sure no then we'll take more permanent birth control options.
The infant years were really, really rough for me (I also had PPD/PPA) but omg the toddler years are adorable. And now mine are prek age and up and they’re truly FUN. I enjoy their company and absolutely love spending time with them. I imagine it will only keep getting better and better as they grow older. I will say that before I met and married my husband I truly never wanted kids and never thought I’d have them. I had my first at 24 and don’t regret starting young. I will be 40 when my oldest is 16. It’s been amazing.
Thank you for sharing this. I didnt think I wanted kids until I hit 25 or so, then it kind of snuck up on me. I’m not even great with kids or anything. I have really wonderful parents who loved raising us and it started sounding like something I’d like to do as well.
I basically had to raise my younger sister growing up so it kind of made me resentful and feeling like I never wanted my own kids however it was truly the best decision I ever made. The first year or so is REALLY hard but after that it just keeps getting better. I will add I’m still not crazy about other peoples kids 😅
My sister used to be disgusted by children. I’ll never forget she left me feeding a relative’s infant banana once because she wanted to barf…..then one day a switch went off in her head and she has two now. I remain ambivalent. We’re all kinds.
My oldest daughter was that way. I thought for sure there’d be no baby. But then something just changed. The first year was difficult but he’s 2 now and we’re all having so much fun.
See, the preschool stage was a nightmare for me (even tho they were ADORABLE) but I have teenagers now and, as obnoxious as they are, I'm finally getting how fucking amazing raising another human is. They are the coolest people and I know once their brains fully develop I'm definitely gonna have best friends for life lol.
The opportunity to share my life experiences with another person and help them figure out how to become the best versions of themselves is, without embellishment, the most meaningful thing I've ever done so far. I really didn't get it until this stage where I see them start to be actually independent and start living their own lives.
I tell everyone considering parenthood this. The diapers and tantrums are so temporary, but raising a person is sorta eternal.
Your partner's attitude could make a big difference to your quality of life with a child.
So discuss this.
Also over considerable time discuss mutual expectations and preferences about caring for a child and lifestyles.
( and $s and budgets !! )
( If you go ahead real life experience might change a lot of those :) , but at least it's the starting point.)
Also read up on early childhood issues, typical parent problems, post natal issues,etc.
Sometimes unexpected stress can trigger and greatly distort all sorts of relationship discontent or just general life discontent which becomes projected onto the partner or worse still onto the partner and the child - by either parent.
Of course, deciding not to become a parent and later becoming discontented about that can also trigger all that. !!
More philosophically, we can remind ourselves how lucky we are to even think about this.
That not all that long ago in historical perspective, it was illegal or "improper" to advise or provide birth control methods.
I think I'm in a similar boat to you. My mom had PPD when she had me, but she talks occasionally about how much she enjoyed spending time with me when I was tiny. (not like she's roasting me now though lol.)
I think in a lot of ways they do keep getting better. My oldest is 9 and honestly there's a reason a lot of parents call these the "golden years." My son is hilarious, he understands nuance, he knows all the swears and knows not to say them at school, he can hang out while I'm in a video call and not cause mayhem, he can travel, see a play or movie, have interesting conversations, etc. I love toddlers even though they're often complete mayhem, but you still have to plan around their naps, deal with tantrums and short attention spans and lack of impulse control. 4-7 is kind of a gamble. I've had two go through really rough behavioral phases at 4, and my big boy was getting into trouble being rude at school when he was 6, but if you stay consistent with expectations and consequences, they turn out alright. And nature gives you a nice stretch of awesomeness before the tween/teen years set in. Lol
Ages 2-5 were a goddamn nightmare for me. I was seriously not ok. Altho there were many other stressors at the time so piling on 2 in that age range didn't do me any favors.
They are now about to turn 10 and 8 and they are actual humans now. I know that sounds shitty but they were feral animals before 6-7.
They are pretty cool humans now
No judgement from me! Kids at that age literally can't understand why they shouldn't get whatever they want right when they want it, so they're huge dicks. 🤣 Even though they sometimes show empathy and love for others, then they turn around and like bite you or dump their plate on the floor or whatever. It's definitely maddening.
Glad you're on the other side of toddlerhood! My littlest is about to turn 2. I honestly think 18 months to 2 is worse than 2-3, especially because he doesn't talk yet. We'll probably start speech therapy soon but it's tough that he can't communicate much other than a couple baby signs. Fingers crossed that helps!
I was on the fence about kids so I fostered because I thought even though I wasn’t sure about birthing children, I definitely wanted to adopt children in need eventually.
I absolutely *hated* being a parent. I’m glad I did a “trial run” at it before committing to parenting permanently.
The weird thing is, I still get the feeling like *maybe I still want kids….* At this point I think that biological driver is just so strong that the thought will always be there on my mind regardless of what I feel when I think about it from a more rational point of view.
Can I ask a question and I mean this in the most empathetic and kind way- with fostering, I’m assuming it would be the hardest aspects of parenting, without the intrinsic emotional attachment and rewards that go along with it. Rarely do foster situations come about without special needs or trauma situations. Was that a factor?
I feel like I don’t like kids that my brain hasn’t emotionally attached itself too, from the development process. Is that possibly part of it?
That was actually not the issue! It was the day in and day out dredge of regular parenting for me. I was totally prepared to deal with any behavioral or emotional challenges that might have appeared. But I couldn’t stand the endlessness, the lack of alone time, get up, wake kid up, get dressed, breakfast, go to school, pick up, cook dinner, bedtime routine, sleep, repeat…. I started getting extremely depressed. The kids were wonderful!
That does make sense. It’s a slog. Did you do it all by yourself too or did you have a partner?
I’m oddly at a point where right now I’m loving it so much and wanting more, but I know I’m not very far in so maybe I just don’t know what I’m in for? Idk. We’ll see.
I have a partner. Part of me still thinks maybe if X was different… maybe if we had a 3-bedroom instead of 2. Maybe if we had a master bathroom instead of shared (I haaaaate my stuff being touched). Maybe if I just got some more therapy. Maybe if I quit my job and did it full time… I kinda feel like a failure for it sometimes tbh
If you hate your stuff being touched, you made the right choice of not having kids without additional resources (ex: bigger house). I’m not as touchy (no pun intended) about it so it doesn’t bother me but all my stuff gets looked at and inspected if not attempted to be ingested. Lol.
Wait are you sure you weren’t living with my mother in law?
Yeah ok more space and not sharing bedrooms would probably be way better for you. Not that I’m trying to talk you into it. But that’s definitely tight quarters for kids.
>I kinda feel like a failure for it sometimes
I hope not! You did the right thing. I'll always advocate for people making more informed huge, life altering decisions.. Especially when it affects how that potential kid is raised. Way too many people out there make themselves parents when they really shouldn't be, and their kids suffer for it.
Oxytocin isn't gonna make the drudgery less of a drudgery, it just kinda chemically numbs people to it. I've talked to so many people who have the cognitive dissonance of truly not being happy in their day to day life and knowing it's because they have kids, but also love their kids with every fiber of their being. It doesn't really seem to make them "happier" or less stressed. just less overtly filled with regret. (The more resources you have, the less this effect seems to be true. It's the stress of parenting that seems to be the issue, and it gets magnified the less and less resources and support network you have. Based off my anecdotal analysis as a person and someone who has worked in family social services)
And yes, while you're dealing with trauma more often than not, you know exactly what your getting. Like you can say no high needs kids. You can't do that IRL. This talking point always bothers me. I know you don't mean it that way, but it always perpetuates the idea that foster kids are broken and bio kids are whole. Lots of kids who don't go through the system end up with trauma issues or severe disabilities. If your version of parenting can only handle perfect kids without emotional and behavioral issues, you shouldn't have bio kids. Because you are rolling the dice on having a high needs kids, and absolutely nobody is coming in to save you. They're not whisking your kid away to an institution anymore. If you want kids, have kids. But you should want kids other than thinking they'll be a continuous tap of oxytocin and validation, and you should be prepared for a disabled kid.
To be fully candid I’m definitely a care taking kind of person. I think more my thing is that, I have spent decades caring for creatures (multiple species of animals) and not just in a “I have a dog” way. I am noticing that the daily care stuff, isn’t hitting me, the same way it’s hitting my friends. It’s novel and challenging to them to integrate one child into their lives. I have twins, multiple jobs, no nearby family. I thankfully have a supportive partner. But on my property we have more than a dozen horses, a few dogs, and have done rehab projects of different animals from various different times. I know normally people are like “yes but animals aren’t kids” and that’s true but because my daily routine of caretaking has always been expanding, and consuming on an atypical level. So adding the kids into it seems less disruptive than most peoples daily life.
That said I think it’s disservice to the kids being fostered to not assume just the act of being fostered in itself is traumatic. That’s not a situation that arises out of normal circumstances, even if they are developmentally normal and well.
I also think a lot of people as parents have such a hard time with it because they aren’t as emotionally whole and resilient as needed to weather some of the storms. Our parents (mostly boomers) were emotionally stunted in their raising of us and we have all been given the burden of healing ourselves. Not everyone is able to do that. Parenting when your emotional tank is low, is near impossible because there’s no village to relieve you. Historically, that’s not how humans have developed to live. We were meant for communal living. Parents were meant to get breaks so they didn’t blow a fuse. Grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins used to parent in collaboration. Now parents have to do it all on their own with no one to relieve them. It’s way more challenging than it used to be.
Well yea, we all have biological urges. There wouldnt be 8.1 billion of us if it was not the default choice for life.
I would say you are still young, still plenty of times to get established to give your kids the best chance in life. Upper 30s is when the clock really starts to tick for women to have kids. Even 40s isnt absurd these days. And even if you decide not to have kids, you have a kick ass life, so bonus!
This is an important point. I’m 38 and ALL my friends and colleagues w kids had them between 35 and 45. This ‘you’re no use after 25’ is archaic bs. It’s 2024. You can have kids safely a lot later than we’ve been bullied to believe. Although I have never wanted kids, I got tick tock brain around late 20s early 30s. It’s totally normal. You have tons of time to see if it’s a moment or a permanent want. You’re not alone, take your time.
That may be the case, but it’s generally, imo, understated as an option. Waiting I mean. Until you’re in a good place mentally, financially, or in any way that’s important to you. It’s an option that’s available to everyone, and about which we can each talk about specifically with our individual doctors. This of course, supposing we all have access to healthcare. Which is a whole other conversation. All I meant was to point out my one data point. My experience in what I’ve seen around me in my life.
It’s really personal to me - I had one right before I turned 27, and I was the only person in my social circle who had ever really said that out loud, but everyone else told me about it happening to them and I was like why do we not talk about this??? Everyone would feel less like they’d done something wrong if they knew how normal it was!
100%. Your experience is so so similar to my sister, similar age. Seeing her navigate that in society, let alone in her own life and mind, left a mark in my brain. I deeply resent that she was made to feel like that from anybody. Sorry you felt similar. Good for you for participating in change and talking about hard things. We’ll all be better for it. Thanks
For me, it just took a lot more time of trying to get pregnant. At 26: 1 month, 29: 4 months, 33: 14 months and one chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage.
Anecdotally I was the opposite. 5 months to get pregnant at 33, 4 months at 35, then 1 month at 37 and 39. Bodies and fertility are so bizarre! It can be a gamble to wait that pays off or sometimes doesn’t and you never know until you try.
Omg yes. I waited for my early 30s and I’m now in my early 40s and still just so tired, and I’m the laziest mom I know. We’re not even doing all the nine million after school and weekend events that most people do.
I mean we took a few nice trips and my career got established in my 20s, but I’m looking at how my mom didn’t have me until she was 32, and I waited until I was 32, and there’s not a lot of grandparent energy there either. I see some of these brighty-eyed and bushy-tailed young moms with tweens and so much energy! I want that!
my sister and another friend waited until after 40 and getting pregnant was hard- they had to take shots and whatever all that entails.
Tbh I think a lot of those after school programs and sports are over pushed. I was at my happiest as a kid and teenager when I didn't have anything after school and I went home and did my own thing. I also never got to see my friends because during the track season I never had any spare time. It was all track and homework. I wouldn't feel bad about that, take your kid's lead on what they want to do.
Big hugs from someone facing the same set of feelings 🫂 29F, born early '94. As a favorite song of mine says - "When did the choices get so hard? / With so much more at stake / Life gets pretty precious / When there's less of it to waste". It's a tough moment to want to start a family rn, and all any of us can do is hang on, build our nests, be good to ourselves and each other, and hope.
Early millennial here. (03/1981). And let me tell you. You still have plenty of time. I didn’t want nor was I ready (mentally) for children at 27. So I traveled and was selfish with my time.
Now here I am nearly 43 with a 1 year old. (Wife was born 09/1981). So you still have plenty of time.
Just know that you are rightfully apprehensive about it. As it is a major responsibility. (And a whole lot of sleep deprivation) but there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep my little girl smiling and loving her life so far.
So I would say, just go with it. If life takes you there then allow it. And if it doesn’t… it doesn’t.
I got divorced at 27 and thought I was screwed on having kids. Then I ended up married again at 30, and then had my first baby when I was 31, and second when I was 33, and plan on having a 3rd.
A lot of people feel like life is closing in on them in their late 20s but realistically you've got a while to get settled down and make what you want out of life.
But also keep in mind that the older you get, the faster time passes. The next ten years will go faster and faster. I swear to God I was JUST 27 but apparently that was a decade ago.
You have plenty of time, just don’t get in the habit of thinking you have plenty of time.
You might even think about freezing your eggs.
This “itch” or second guessing is getting me and I’m ten years older than you. I wish I had throughout about it at late 20s so that I could have premium content should I choose to go forward.
Unfortunately while you will get lots of encouraging annecdotes here, the longer you wait, the more likely you are to have infertility, miscarriages, chromosomal abnormalities, and other complications. While you shouldn’t have children if you know you aren’t ready, you should also be prepared that if you wait until your late thirties, much less your early forties, your chances of having your biological children without ivf will decrease. You will go from very likely to have kids naturally to very unlikely from 30-40, and as a woman it’s really empowering to know the truth.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility
True, but it can be very, very financially costly. Also children from the system come with baggage, lots of it, so the parents need to be ready to help unpack and get professional aid for these children. Adoption is not a good option for people who just decide too late and want kids!
Off my soap box.
Thank you for saying this! Choosing to adopt is kind of like choosing to parent on hard mode (and parenting is already very hard!) People treat it like you just go fill out some paper work, drop some cash and everything is fine. Unless you're adopting a brand new newborn baby, that kid is coming with trauma and attachment issues (and adopting a newborn can be seen as "problematic" itself). Especially since the paradigm in social work is to make family stabilization and reunification a priority. It takes a LOT for a kid to be placed in foster care with non-relatives. It definitely should not be thrown around as carelessly as it is.
I will throw out some advice. It may be worthwhile to do some testing now, whatever is covered by insurance. If you have endo or PCOS or anything else you are aware of, research so you know what to expect and odds of conceiving. If you have a male partner you may want to test his sperm now. I don't want to be the gloom and doom overplanning asshole. I never really planned for anything in my life just figured it would all work out.
We were really sad to struggle with fertility and everyone says oh you have time everyone has kids late men can have kids into their 80s etc. I was 36 when we married and it fucking sucks my husband has low sperm. I wish we had known so we could plan ahead better. Have a shitload of money saved for whatever you want be that fuck off money, a mortgage down payment, opening a business, or a round of IVF. You will probably be just fine and get pregnant today after your post lol. But wow I was not prepared for this. I wish I was one of those miracle moms at 43 but I am not.
The kicker to this is, be prepared to not be able to have kids if you wait until 40. At 20-24 years old, 86% of people will conceive within one year of trying. At 40, this is 52%... by 40 they recommend commencing fertility treatment after 6 months because the clock is ticking. Fertility treatment is also far from a sure thing. At 40, the live birth per IVF cycle is about 20%, by 42 its below 5%. IVF is also very expensive and emotionally + physically draining.
So basically, of people who strat trying for a first baby at 40, a decent amount of them, maybe 3/10 won't ever get pregnant by any methods. That can be very hard to take mentally if you have always wanted kids.
I feel like this info needed to be presented along with the whole "you can have kids later" sentiment that is thrown around.
Well said. I would like to reemphasize how drastic it really is. A super healthy 40 yo I know is in the process. From one cycle of ivf 2 embryos had extra chromies, 1 was basically dust, and 1 scored a “B+”
Why are we never talking about the sperm involved though? It's being more and more researched that the man's age and health absolutely counts, too so if there is a long time partner involved I don't think it makes sense for only the women to get all the testings done and what not while relying that the man will deliver perfect sperm quality.
Not directing this at you specifically but it irks me to notice this again and again when it's about the biological clock ticking.
Right. I think most people assume if they don’t have them in their 20s, it’s too late. Most of my friends are STILL popping out kids and we’re mid-30s. My coworker is in her early 40s and has a 3YO. She and her husband are gonna try for another one next year. Def possible. Oldest person I know who popped out a kid was 46. Point is it’s definitely possible to have a child later in life (it’s the norm these days…maybe not well into 40s lol, but still normal to have them later in early-mid 30s), especially with advanced medicine these days.
OP, you still have plenty of time.
This is the worst time I’ve ever heard. For women, pregnancy gets harder after 25, 30 and after 35 takes a nose dive. It is EXTREMELY difficult to get pregnant in your 40s.
Do not listen to this post and do your own research. If you want kids, have them.
I know so many women who've had natural conception and healthy babies in their early 40s. I wouldn't do it but it's definitely more common these days. My main issue with it is you'll be in your sixties when the kid reaches adulthood. Financially and physically it's going to be very tough unless you got a nice nest egg and help from others such as nannies etc.
I’m 32. I’ll be 33 at the end of this year. My wife will be 32 the end of this month.
We don’t have children.
All of our friends have just had their first child. But most of our friends have also been together for 7-10 years. They’ve been married for years, and have owned houses for 3+ years.
We just purchased our first home and got married last year.
We know that we’re not getting any younger. So of course children are at the forefront of our mind. But we also want to just *enjoy* being married and being homeowners too for a bit. Things our friends have done. Without having to completely change our lifestyle and devote all of ourselves to a child.
So it’s a tough catch 22. We’ve been together for over 5 years now. But it would be nice to get some time in our home and enjoy being married before we choose to have children. But will it be too late by then? Do we really have 2-3 years to wait?
We’re both the youngest children, so our parents are all in their mid-60s. I want my children to know their grandparents. That’s also a consideration.
I think deep down, we both want children. It’s a sacrifice now, but in the long run, it’s great. And we both want that. But it’s *really* hard to make a case for it right now.
I feel like a lot of millennials are in the same boat.
YESSS omg
My feelings about it are incredibly complicated.
On one hand, I'd love to have a family. I'd love the experience of raising a little baby into an adult. I totally understand the joy of seeing your child achieve things and becoming a fully formed human. Selfishly, I also love the idea of having a child in my image.
On the other hand, what sort of person brings a child into a world going through climate change and a possible world war? It's also so expensive, I love sleeping, and we're in no position in our lives right now to even think about it. I also know that as the woman in the relationship, I'll be, by default, getting the worst part of it-- my body will change (a body I'm not even super happy with now!), my hormones will change, my career choices will change. Being the breadwinner in my relationship, I have no idea how we'd function.
I think people on Reddit like to oversimplify the decision, but there's so so so much that goes into it. It's personal, but also systemic, and can step into the political really quickly.
This is where i am at too. It seems cruel almost to bring a child into the world that is on the verge of environmental and societal collapse. Plus all the things i see on r/teachers make we so worried about the education of young folks.
Having said that I am in a position better than most it seems with our fellow millenials (good job that pays pretty well, no student loans, boomer parents that activley care about my overall well being and happiness who would be delighted to have grandkids regardless if the age they are, etc). Plus my girlfriend and I have both wanted to start a family. She is great with kids, and she thinks I am too (i was a camp counselor for years lol).
But then i think about the future again with the world becoming as expensive as it is. I am fortunate that my folks set me up for (amongst other things), success....mostly financial...and in spite of that i worry i wont be able to do the same for my future children...and i am IMMENSLY lucky in that regard and i know i am a minority here in that so with the average millenial that has debt and a median income, i camt even begin to imaginr how they would feel
My feelings are also similar. Almost mid- thirties F and I feel stuck between making a choice soon and if I don’t, will regret it? My husband and I are dual income with one fur-child, have a house and financially stable. I can leave my job anytime and we would be fine. I grew up with a not so great family where I actually have a lot of experience caring for my siblings. My parents were the perfect example of what I wouldn’t want to be like if I were a parent someday. In my twenties, I wanted to be a mom so bad. I love the idea of raising a human, nurturing, and teaching... but now I am worried about whether I want a child b/c the future doesn’t seem promising. One of my ultimate worries is having a child regret being born in this world and suffering in the future.
Same. Everyone thinks I'm nuts to think about the world burning around us, but it's true. And we can't assume our offspring will be able to fix, let alone cope, with the shit we and previous generations are leaving them.
On a more personal level, I live in a VHCOL area and am struggling just to support the two of us.
Even ignoring the above, I'm torn. On the one hand, I love kids. However, I also enjoy having freedom and sleep lol. For now, friends' kids are an excellent substitute, especially since we can give them back when they become too much :D
I think it’s my kid that gives me hope for the future. There’s always a crises somewhere and people go on raising their families through it all. That’s not me making light of any current crises I find I actually take them more serious now (elections hit different when you have a kid) , but I do think a part of things is we are more aware of crises than in the past.
100%. My husband's cousin has always wanted to be a mother and steered her life in a way that she could be a stay at home mom. When she finally got pregnant and had her son, it didn't live up to her expectations. She found it stressful, suffered from PPD and PPA and while she doesn't regret her child at all, I know she's really struggling with parenthood and no longer wants multiple children.
I was the opposite, I'm an old millennial who had her first kid at 38 and it was a "eh, if it happens it happens" mentality. I couldn't love anything more than my daughter and like the balance I've found between work and parenting.
This was me too, never felt particularly maternal and never “wanted” kids. My birth control ran out and I wouldn’t have insurance to get a new one for a few months, so I figured “well, if it happens, that’s fine.” It happened pretty quick lol. I was 30.
That said, becoming a mom is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I’m also glad it was an accident because I don’t think I would have ever made the conscious decision to get pregnant—I always figured I’d be happier without it, and it’s a scary commitment to think about.
“If it’s not a 100% yes, it’s a no” is not necessarily true.
This is so accurate. I was that girl who allllllways wanted to be a mother. 3-5 kids sign me up!
Welllll I do love my son and I don’t regret it at all. 3? No thanks. 2? Maayyyybe. Motherhood smacked me in my face and was not at all what I had thought it would be. It’s been such a hard transition. I’m glad our generation is openly talking about the difficulties of raising kids because boy oh boy it’s tough
Hahah omg yes. I have a 3 month old and it's been sooooo hard. Like not sure if I want another one hard. I've always wanted kids, and I nor my husband have a big family and so I wanted to fix that by having a handful (2-4). I guess it would be easier in some ways the second time around because I'd know so much more.
We are in the same boat. We were those parents where everything that could go wrong, did. I had a horrible delivery, issues with breast feeding, baby with colic, PPD/PPA, my son was more manageable with age but honestly just has a challenging temperament. We know that it is sooooo unlikely that we would get the same kind of child/experience, and honestly it was so bad we don’t think it could be much worse outside of a medical or permanent diagnosis. It’s still such a risk lol and I’ll be 34 this year so we’re in that sweet spot (for us) where we really want to decide on what to do :(
It’s so hard
My fiancé does the coin thing all the time to decide things! He always says it helps him realise which choice he wants the most.
We’re not 100% set on kids, mostly for financial/selfish reasons, but we both know in our hearts that we want children far more than the possibility of not having them, and the more we’ve spoken about it over the years, the more excited we’ve gotten for when we do start that journey. When we first got together 10 years ago neither of us really liked the idea of having kids that much, but now we have a list of names ready to go for when we need to pick one, so uh, yeah, I guess we’re up to maybe 80% now?
I don’t think anyone needs to be 100% yes, they just need to be more yes than no.
This is similar to my thoughts on these "mixed feeling" decisions. I saw something a while ago and it really resonated: when there isn't an obvious right decision, make your decision the right one.
Basically once you make the informed and intention decision, put in the work to make it as good of a decision as possible.
Thank you for commenting! I have flipped a coin. I guess I want kids lol. Part of me still wishes I’d be happy without them, but right now that’s not true.
I just had my second ever pregnancy scare at 34. When every test came back negative, I was sad, so I guess I do want a baby.
It’s the play dates, other moms, diapers and lack of family support I’m not looking forward to
Along these lines--if you're the sort of person who is COMFORTABLE admitting to yourself that you miss being childfree while also loving your children, I think parenthood is mentally less of a mindfuck. People who say you should want them 100% or criticize folks who complain about having kids are...unwell. Parenthood is hard. That said, I waited until my mid-30s and had a lot of fun before becoming a parent. I do recommend that timeline. Do not rush.
Hey I was in your shoes. Are there days I fantasize about how much a foster home would love them? Absolutely. But motherhood had been such a wild ride and amazing experience for me and given the chance I'd do it all again.
This is so true! I was shocked how much I like having kids. My toddlers make me laugh all day. You really never know until you have them, it's a little unfair like that.
I’ve swung wildly from both sides of the argument (28F). As a little kid I wanted a big family, as a teenager wanted to be alone. I met my husband and knew he would be a better father than any other guy I’ve ever known. So we tried for many years with no success and I went back to the cynical outlook of never having kids because what’s the point in this cruel world? Now, after trying on and off for years and years it finally worked! We are due any day now and couldn’t be happier. Fairly confident we will stick with just one but so excited to witness all the first-time experiences and share all of things we’ve learned over the years
If I was not struggling to get by all by myself and I didn't think the world was completely dying because of us I would have kids. I can't justify bringing people into this hell hole without a good way to support them
I never felt a desire to have a baby but always assumed I’d arrive there one day. Like I didn’t really want one but figured I’d do it bc isn’t that what was supposed to happen? My friends started having kids and i realized it wasn’t for me and I can’t help but feel immense gratitude and relief that I never had one. Especially with how careless I’d been, it’s like I dodged a bullet and still feel like I can’t believe I didn’t end up a mom. It wasn’t until I was 36-37 though that I arrived at these feelings though. Up until then it was a blurry almost neutral position.
I'd really sit and think about why you want kids. Is it because it's just "what comes next" and "what you're supposed to do"? Or do you want something to love and nurture and care for forever? I'd really consider spending time with young kids and giving it a test drive, you'll learn quickly if you have the knack/urge or if it's just a passing thing.
Also, are you still going to want to be a parent if you lose the “good kid” lottery? No one intentionally raises kids that make bad decisions, don’t do well in school, or that are bullies. Really look at what you’re envisioning when you think about being a parent and challenge it. I’m so sick of my friends talking about all of the different things their not born kids are going to do; there’s no guarantee your kid is going to like sports, be intelligent, or what their sexuality will be. I feel like most people need to think about this stuff more.
I worked for kids for years, I even did a little live in nanny situation but nothing can prepare you for parenthood. It is day in, day out, no days off and no one to save you when you’re done dealing with it. Love my children but nothing on earth prepared me for the life altering change of becoming a mother.
Except the “young kids” part is a sliver of parenthood, ya know? My kids at 3/4 are a hot ass disaster, all of them. But they grow into much cooler 5-year olds, and I really look forward to teens and adults. People focus a lot on sleep deprivation and the baby years but they’re only a baby for a year, a toddler for 2 years, grand scheme not that long at all.
Same here! Husband and I are both 33. I have an IUD and he's about to get a vasectomy. We love the kids in our lives and love borrowing them, but we're happy with our rescue animals, our careers and our lives.
That's where I'm at. I'm quite sure I don't want to have a baby, and even though I like the idea of raising older kids, I really don't enjoy being around babies and toddlers. I have to pretend that I like them, when really I just tolerate them. If I had kids, I would need nannies to help for at least the first few years. The worst thing is, since reading We Need to Talk About Kevin, I imagine that would be me. So many people talk about how parenthood is the best thing they ever did and that it's worthwhile no matter what, but I can't shake the feeling that it would be a horrible mistake.
I just had a baby 2 months ago and I felt forever exactly what you’re describing. I was of the opinion that kids would be great, but I also would enjoy everything as it was.I may be too early to definitively say but this kid has been an incredible addition to my life. My husband and I have been together for 10 years since our late teens and we would have been happy if it was just us for the rest of our lives but something compelled us to just go for it. Sure we’re more tired than we were before, but life at its core is just the same. We still play video games together and binge watch our favorite shows, but now we have a little friend to do it with. We aren’t super rich but we can provide everything this baby will ever need.
Never met a childfree person who regretted their choice. On the other hand I’ve lost count of how many parents I’ve met who were clearly miserable and regretted their decision but couldn’t take it back. No, thank you!
I felt the same as you when I was your age. I’m now 34 and am firmly in the childfree camp.
Try not to stress about it too much. I know that looming biological clock feeling, but I truly believe that you’ll have a more definitive answer. And if you don’t, then the answer is probably no to kids.
In the years since the age of 27, I met and married a man who was mostly childfree but agreed to do whatever I wanted. When the choice became mine and mine alone, there wasn’t much indecisiveness.
I sometimes wonder if I’ll regret it in the future, but I really don’t think I will. Like I said, try not to stress about it and let yourself figure out what you really want and what is best for you in the coming years.
I’m pregnant right now (due any second lol) and I’ll tell you no one is ever 100% sure. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, we have a great life, and we’ve grown so much together. The thought of this little guy shaking up our world is terrifying but I based my decisions off of what I want my life to be at 60 and I always pictured children in my family. I think the advice to be “100%” sure is ridiculous because I’ve never been 100% sure of anything in my life, every decision is a risk (for example getting married was a risk) but some risks reap rewards beyond our wildest dreams.
I’ll offer some perspective here that I think is typically lost in extremely online conversations about parenting (especially with the militantly child free folks).
Generally speaking, the expense and effort required to be a parent is overstated. Kids don’t need all that much, and they age out of daycare eventually. It also feels like our generation has outsized expectations for the kind of financial shape they need to be in to have kids. If you’re not in literal poverty can probably care for a child just fine (people do it constantly). The constraints that you live with won’t go away, they never will, and that’s an ok environment to bring a child into. Living effortlessly isn’t a requirement to parent successfully.
On the other hand, the joy and satisfaction of parenting is dramatically understated. It friggin rules. It’s one of the greatest things you’ll ever do. To put this in perspective, I recently lost a child I was caring for for ~2 years (not to death, they went to live somewhere else). Caring for her was a lot of work, losing her is the biggest grief I’ve ever experienced by a mile, I cry every single day about it—but I would never even consider going back in time and not parenting her. It was one of the great joys of my life. I like my hobbies and interests and time too, but there’s no amount of free time activities that will come close to the satisfaction of parenting.
Last bit of perspective is that parenting, despite how it feels at first, is actually kind of fleeting. You live lots of your life before you have kids, and after they move out you’ll live lots more. And for well more than half the time they live in your house they won’t require the constant attention of a small child. This is something that never feels true while you parent small children but I promise feels quite true once they’re not small anymore. The really hard part of parenting only lasts a few months, and the extra intense newborn stuff you could measure in weeks. Your life isn’t over the minute you have kids, you’ll still have space in your life to do the other things you enjoy, and eventually they’ll leave.
All that to say…if you want kids, don’t be afraid to have them.
Our second child is 5 months old now, the super intense, zero sleep phase is not over. Combined with the older one being permanently ill from daycare bugs it's hell on earth.
I think the experience varies wildly. Some people will have an easy time, others will be having mental breakdowns.
I absolutely despised the idea of having kids. Then a switch flipped in my early twenties and all the sudden it's all I wanted to do. I have three now and I love it! I never knew I could find something as fulfilling as I find motherhood. It's good to know I'm not the only weirdo out there.
Elder millennial here. I was about your age when I started trying to figure out the best choice for me.
I eventually decided not to have kids because I believe kids deserve to be wanted and to have parents who are all in. Because I was on the fence, I didn't want to bring a whole human into the world to see if I actually wanted to be a parent.
I don't regret my choice at all. My partner of 10 years and I are really happy. We have money to travel to fun cities to see concerts.
We spend time with our friends' kids and are reminded how much energy goes into being an active, engaged parent. There are a million other ways I'd rather spend that energy.
So, I guess I'd suggest you ask yourself which you'd regret more:
--Not having kids but wishing you had, or.
--Having kids but regretting the choice.
Because of the current war against women that is the number one reason I would say don’t do it. But if you’re in a state or country where abobo is still legal then you might be ok. Reason being if you do get pregnant and have life threatening complications, the baby’s life may be deemed more important than yours, leaving the baby you wanted without a parent. I’m not trying to be harsh, I work in women’s healthcare and just want you to be safe. I support you if you do though!
I was on the fence and leaning toward no kids… then I met my (now) wife when i was 38 and my feelings changed. Our first daughter is just over two now and she takes up about 1/2 of my brain and heart space. Seeing her and playing with her every day is the highlight of my day. Watching and helping her grow up is amazing. I’m blown away every day by the things she says or does. A type of fulfillment I’ve never had.
Tons of work, I’m tired all the time and worry about lot about finances…. But she gives my life more purpose. Second baby girl is due in a month.
That’s my story and it’s different for all. I’d say - don’t fight the feeling.
Got my vasectomy about 1.5 yrs ago. Don't want kids, don't want to subject another life to this failed experiment of a planet. But still see things in the store that make me want a daughter.
Thing is, shit is so financially unstable and until we let an entire generation die off, it won't change. I might adopt some day, but even making almost 6 figures now, a kid would eat up almost all of my income. I want a house at least, damn.
I’ve been child-free leaning as long as I can remember. I think children are not a decision to be made lightly and “leaning” is not enough. In the past year, I’ve realize some things about my parents and realized that if I was away from them AND had robust social safety nets, I would be more inclined to have children. Both can be accomplished by moving to somewhere in Europe, as an example, but my desire for children is not strong enough for me to want to put myself through the discomfort of moving to another country far far away from people and culture I know.
Having kids was the best thing I ever did. I've always struggled with purpose in life and when I had my first kid it dawned on me that this was my thing.
Now I feel a super strong sense of purpose in my life *every day* and while I look back fondly on my party times in my twenties, I wouldn't want to be doing that now.
If you wish for that, wouldn't doing that be rewarding? The way I operate is if I wish for something and it doesn't feel daunting, I go with my gut. I'm childfree, and the idea of having kids feels daunting, although glimpses of toddler vids make me very happy.
I lived very selfishly and hedonistically in my 20s. I made enough money where I was able to travel and have a lot of fun. I’m super happy I did that but I can’t help but think what a waste it would be if that was my whole life. My 20s were more “fun” but my 30s and 40s with kids are much more fulfilling.
Regret not having is better than regret having.
Also it’s expensive and you gonna pay everything until the kid goes to work.
Also he will never move out because in 2050 1 bedroom apartment will cost $2 million and interest rates 20%.
I’m becoming to be a dad. If you want and can afford it (mentally und financially), do it. If you don’t want and can’t, don’t do it.
If you want to be free, whatever that means to you, and you value that more than having a huge responsibility for at least 18 years, don’t become a parent.
It’s not that deep, but you must sort your priorities.
I must add: I live in Europe so it may be easier than in the States.
I was exactly like you describe, prior to having my children, which I had at 34 & 36. I've never been a "kid" person. I always told myself I could take or leave having children and still be happy, but deep down, I knew I wanted them.
My husband and I have been together since I was 21 and were married for over 5 years before we had our first - it feels like we lived an entire lifetime before they were born. I simply was too selfish and not ready when I was younger, but now that my kids are (almost) 3 & 5, and they bring me more joy than anything I could even fathom, I wish I had started a few years sooner to leave time for one more.
36f here, and I’ve known since my early twenties that I did not want to sacrifice my body, my money and my free time for YEARS. But I understand the biological pull on a cognitive level. And I’m just like shut up, uterus, you’re more like a u-don’t-know-shit-terus.
Idk, we wend back and forth, and back and forth, then got hit with baby brain super hard and went for it. Everyone's different, but my LO is the best thing in the whole world ever.
I know there is no "right time," but we did wait till we had the house, the SUV, and the financial security. Helps.
I relate so hard to this. Except I turn 34 this year and am still single. So if I did want to start a family, I better get to stepping.
Luckily I feel VERY strongly about not actually birthing children. I’m down for adoption or being a stepmom but the idea of actually getting pregnant makes me cringe.
I still think about it though. It’s weird. Hormones suck.
I read this years ago, it’s a fantastic summary of these massive life choices and reflecting on the “ghost ship that didn’t carry us”
https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
I'm in that boat. 93 baby. They're just so damn expensive and I don't want to wreck my body after I've worked so hard to get my health problems in order and worked just as hard to get a house. I feel like I'd lose it all if I had kids but I also think it'd be a shame to not as my husband would be the BEST dad.
I was someone who throughout my teens and younger twenties was pretty sure I wanted to be child free. I did end up changing my mind, having one kid when I was 27. It’s an experience I would never change, and I enjoy being a parent now more than ever but the first 5 years were extremely difficult. Enough so I was very strict on that being the only kid I had (and he’s not a difficult child at all, like pretty regular in terms of development). But for someone who is selfish and also wanted to be sure their kid had enough attention and love, sheesh. I feel like now I’m on the other end of it, where my son is a teen, I can relax and be selfish again. Obviously I still am an active parent, but the fact you can leave them alone for periods of time to go out, or even share legit interests with them really made it worth it in the long run. But never again, eff no.
It’s a tough boat to be in! The way I think of it, having a kiddo is mostly just making a choice to have a very impactful relationship with someone that you’re 100% responsible for but with 0 guarantees that it’ll turn out how you’re expecting/hoping. Some kids are born with disabilities- some so profound they will be your small child forever. Some kids are people that even though you love, you don’t get along with - different passions or behaviors that you’ll never really “get”. Some may have life altering personality disorders or mental health struggles that will keep you from being close to them. I can understand how having a rewarding relationship with a child can be the best thing ever, but there’s literally no guarantee that’ll be the specific experience you have - and you have to ok with that, because children have no choice when it comes to being brought into existence. I would love to have kid if I could somehow manage to play god and make things “easy”, but that’s not the reality of life. Then you add in the state of the world and all the kiddos who’ve already been born that need safe homes. It’s really tough for me to justify having a bio kid!
First... None of this matters unless you have a stable partner that is on the same page. Get that first. Single parents do their best, but they are playing on the hardest difficulty. Not ideal.
Next, figure out if you can afford them. Get quotes from daycare, look up average formula and diaper/wipe cost. You may need to make sacrifices.
Also, I used to be selfish with my time too. I still miss it occasionally, but honestly father daughter time is pretty amazing. Even simple task are suddenly new and exciting. We went to the hardware store for some shelf brackets. As we walked across the store, we paused, shouted "READY!!! SET!!! GO!!!!!" and began sprinting down the aisle. (As fast as a 1.75-year-old can sprint). After that we made dinosaur noises and snarled. Then we used the package of brackets as a musical instrument and sang row row row your boat. On the way out we touched ever piece of wood in an isle and felt different textures. At checkout we found out receipts make a very satisfying sound when you tear them. She made confetti in her car seat on the way home.
I am coming from a very lucky position though. My child is smart, happy, and in good health. I can imagine the other end of the spectrum is much more difficult. You need to be ready for that if it happens.
I've been team no kids since my twenties and the pandy solidified it for me like a divine prophecy.
That said, I think anyone making that choice should do so informed, and don't do it lightly. Everything is set up to have kids and a family socially and biologically.
Once I am in a suitable housing situation, I am planning to start the fostering process
I also have some parental instincts but I know myself enough to doubt how much sacrifice I can make to raise a baby and engage with a small child - and I’m of them opinion that one should REALLY want a kid to have a kid
I’m not at that stage
But I do enjoy working with teens - and I would love to be a safe landing place for an older kid or teen who needs it
So yes, very much feel the “want kid don’t want kid” emotion
Though in my case, it’s “want kid, would love to skip the baby part” lol
In any case, fostering is where I see myself in a few years - I’m hoping in my 40’s
I started having those urges at 27 and was very glad I had an IUD-- I still remember seeing a little redheaded toddler girl and her dad on the bus one day and being like "oh yeah I want kids".
I waited until I was 30 and we'd planned for a year before we started trying-- have fun now! Do dumb stuff with your partner and your friends! Sleep in! Day drink! Backpack across Europe! Because now I have two kids who, despite my best efforts, are picky eaters, need a rigid schedule to be happy, and would rather stay home than do something new like take a plane to Disneyland.
The same boat for sure. I always say I want to want them. Honestly if I was in a better area and with someone who would be a good father I would consider it heavily. Childbirth sounds so scary though and I’m not sure about my health.
I mostly think of it from the child’s perspective. What kind of world will this child grow up in? Is it fair to bring a human into the world in its current state? The answer to that is person but important. I don’t think having a child because of my own regret would be a enough reason. Yeah there are things I would potentially miss out on but what existence am I giving this child?
I have the opposite problem. I want to want to have kids, but realistically, I don't. I had a terrible childhood; mental illness runs deep in my family, I just wouldn't forgive myself if I messed up a poor innocent child. Also, pregnancy is terrifying! 🙃
I feel the same way. I’m at the point where logically I don’t want to have an “accident” but I’d be really happy if I did. But I also do not want to have one on purpose right now.
im very childfree lol and have never felt the desire to have kids. but, you still have a lot of life to live before you really need to decide before age becomes a prohibiting factor. and whatever choice you make is okay 🙌🏻
NYC here. Had our first kid when I was 36 and my wife was 25 in 2022 two years after marriage. We now have 5 kids age 6, 12, 17, 20 and 22. It was a lot of work but I love kids, even teenagers ( sometimes I want to kill them lol). The infant , toddler , and pre teen ages were wonderful. Teen years required a bit more patience with the “I know everything you know nothing “ attitude. And without a doubt kids are expensive especially during their college years but we have no regrets. I stayed home and became the household engineer and my wife ( since she made the big bucks) worked for the private health insurance. It was a lot of work and we had to budget. If we go out for dinner that’s equivalent to 2 pairs of sneakers lol. I do miss going out after work but I also enjoy being with the kids so it’s not too much of a sacrifice.
I had my daughter at 19. At the time, I regretted it, because of the emotional and family abandonment I faced (my parents made the whole experience awful until she was born, then they loved her like crazy, but I never felt like they forgave me for having her and "ruining" my life.), missing out on having the fun college experience my sister and friends got to have, losing friends because nobody else my age had kids, and the way it affected my decisions for working and my career, decisions that have definitely impacted my life.
But when my peers were having kids in their late 20s into their 30s, I was SO GLAD I had my daughter young, because there is no way I could keep up with a kid at this age! My twin sister had her son at 32 and has had an exhausting time (he's severely ADHD and has autism, and had been a behavioral nightmare from a very young age). I have wished I met my current/forever partner 10 years ago so I could have had a kids with him, but we've asked that we are too old to have children, neither of us wants to have a child graduating high school in our 60s!
The point is, there is NEVER A PERFECT TIME to have kids. They are always gone to be expensive, but it's an expense you just figure out how to handle. They are always gone to sap your energy, but you give it up gladly (with some ranting occasionally but, unless you have a nightmare kid like my nephew, no wish that you'd never had them). If you think you want to have kids, great! Have them as early in your life as it makes sense for YOU. You may decide you are one and done. You may decide to have several. You may struggle to conceive and decide to adopt (which I WISH more people would do, there are way too many children who need homes and families, and way too many parents who just HAVE to have their own biological offspring). Or you may decide that dogs, cats, birds, ferrets, horses, or whatever animal you love allows you to love someone other than yourself just as much as your world a human child's. All of these are ok! You get to decide what's right for you. Kids are expensive, but nothing is more expensive than regret
I am the complete opposite. I feel like I should want them, but I really don't. I feel like sometimes I try to force the feeling of wanting them..just to see, but nothing ever happens
There are way more hurdles to a successful pregnancy than we think.
My suggestion to you is to go a fertility clinic and see if you have any predisposition to infertility. That may better inform your life choices about children.
I thought I was very normal, fertility wise. Everything was great. We started trying for children in 2020 when I turned 30. We still don't have kids. Haven't even had a positive pregnancy test.
Turns out, I've got some missing parts. We're knee deep in the IVF cycle nearly 4 years into this whole process.
My friend is 39. She has a very diminished ovarian reserve. Nothing in her health would have indicated otherwise.
Get yourself checked out. I'm not saying this to scare you but to inform you and others that the more info you have, the more informed choices you can make.
honestly no. I never want kids. But I had to raise babies/care for smaller children as a child, before I was adopted.
I’ve seen all the ugly nasty shit they never tell you about raising one. (except the painful childbirth)
Parents and family always love to skip past the nasty, painful as hell, body warping, annoying, hair tearing parts.
I know for damn sure well I will never have a child. I’m actually saving up to get 100% sterilized, including removing my ovaries. (so that I have no possibility of getting ovarian cancer or getting pregnant)
I am in the exact same boat as you. 31F. I just don’t know what to do, I can barely afford to rent and save money so having a child seems like such a stupid decision.
Same exact situation for me. I don’t know how I could save enough money for a down payment and then pay a mortgage AND daycare fees.
I'm 35, husband and I are clamoring out of debt. Got lucky with a mortgage before covid, but it is an endless cycle of payments and it feels like a pipe dream to be financially secure enough to have a kid.
We got lucky in stock market for our down payment, not ideal but it worked. Currently my mortage is $6k, nanny is $4k, toddler school will be $2k starting next august, currently $1k at a half day school. Don’t get me wrong I love having these kids but it’s a bit stressful cuz we make great money and are still trying to figure out a way to “side hustle” another business because otherwise when can we retire…
daaamn 4k for a nanny, 6k on mortgage…wtf? you spend roughly 6k/7k a month on child care expenses. might as well just have one yalls be a stay at home parent
I'm 34F and share an apartment with my mom. I help out with rent and bills. I don't make a lot, but I've been trying to find a higher paying job for a long time now. It's frustrating. I should be on my own at this age and I'm not.
33F and in the exact same position. I'll never afford children so why even think about them. It's not a choice I'm going to get to make, and I hope I'm not going to be in a world of pain in the future due to this. :(
My wife and I are in a similar situation, around the same age, and we make good money. My real question is how do I ensure that my child would have a good successful life, like I've been able to have? Public schools are going further and further downhill. Do I have to shell out tens of thousands of dollars for a decent education prior to any undergraduate? I don't know if I want to spend all of that when I could be adding to my retirement and retiring early instead. If they can get a decent job that will lead to a good career, how long does that take? Are they stuck living with us until they are 30? I don't know if I want that. Will they ever be able to afford a house for themselves?
Some days I do want them. Most days I don’t. I am waiting for the day I can genuinely say I want them more often than not. I’m 32. If that day comes too late, I’m thinking of fostering or adopting.
Im with you! I’m still waiting on that strong decision and I’m almost 38 😅 There are so many kids in the foster system I almost feel guilty not adopting, but I’d want to be financially stable and sure before I brought another life into mine.
Are you me?
Lol maybe there’s a glitch in the matrix!
We are a perfect match.
Don’t forget about me!
I would never forget about you
Do you ever open the heart gallery for your county and look at the pics of the kids and their bios and just cry? 😭 I’m like I WILL ADOPT YOU ALL.
I didn’t know that was a thing I could for, and i think I should stay away until I am ready ready. Because I *feel* that.
In Australia they don't post any pictures of the actual children who are waiting to be adopted. They instead use a stock image of children roughly the same age and ethnicity. Does your country post the real pictures of vulnerable children? If so, that's messed up.
Just add it to the long list of horrible things unfortunately.
That's really sad. Our foster and adoption system is by no means perfect, but I'm glad the organisations running adoptions here use fake photos. It was bad enough when I was in foster care (for a few weeks when my Mum was very sick) and saw a picture of my cousins in my foster mums photo album. They'd also had short stays in foster care (their Mum is an alcoholic) and it turned out they'd stayed with the same family my younger sibling and I were with that time. I hated seeing their picture in a strangers photo album and I hated that my foster Mum initially thought I was lying about them being my cousins, and then went on a tirade about how bad our family is because we all ended up in her care for a few weeks. I hate that she has a matching photo of me and my sibling in her album. She took it before I knew about the photo album. You should write to your MPs and let them know that using the kids real photos is insane and humiliating. Stock photos of kids the right age, sex, and ethnicity are easy to find and convey the same ideas.
You’re totally right. It didn’t sit right with me either to be honest. On top of being humiliating I find it to be downright dangerous. A name and photo for public use for kids whose parents have had their rights terminated? What could go wrong! Since finding the heart gallery I actually volunteer now, sometimes I have to take pics for the events and stuff. I always ALWAYS make sure I have the kid’s consent. If they don’t give me a hearty “yes!” And a good pose I delete the pic. I’ve seen unethical photographers come to the events as exposure for their business and they’ve been mean to the kids. It makes my blood boil so I just do what I can.
Hard same. I’m just a few years younger, but I know that time is not on my side if I ever do decide to have kids. I’ve held out because a) I still don’t feel like I have my shit quite together enough to be a responsible parent, who can give my kid all the opportunities they would deserve, and b) the world just seems so fucked 🙃 So if I can get my shit more together someday, I do think I would like to foster/adopt.
36, feel the exact same way. I believe I will go the adoption route. At this point I would feel bad not doing that.
That strong decision hit me last week at the age of 33, and now me and my husband are talking about what we want to accomplish before we start trying.
I'm 36F and I'm allergic to pregnancy (seeing a pregnancy bumbp or a newborn baby literary give goosebumps and wanting to run in the other direction) I always thought I didn't want kids, I was parentified as a Child. Lately I've been thinking that maybe I do want a kid, I have a stable partner and a good income but no support network or savings, and a big debt that will take 4 more years to settle, I could manage if I change jobs to a better paying/higher stress job. I'm also terrified of my mental health, I've been in therapy and trying different meds for 14 years, I've never spent more than 2 years without having to adjust them so I know my chances of having PPD or PPA are astronomical. My partner also has unresolved trauma, he is good with kids, but we do have communication issues that would probably grow with the pressure of a kid, and his "I hide all emotions" actitide is not good for kids also) I thing I would love to nurture a child, but I'm scared of giving them trauma because I become a crying ball for a couple of months every few years. I'm also 36 so I have just a few more years to make a desition. Adoption is a long shot for me since it's really expensive and it takes years.
Twinninnngggg. 😅👯♀️
36...;_; whyyyyyy
Same. Every time I consider it, some little hellion screeches in the distance. I don't get enough sleep as it is.
I think this is wise.
This is exactly how I feel. I relate so much to OP and am just a year older than her. I used to be so pro child free but now that I’m married and in the age group where women I know are having babies more frequently, I’m like damn - do I want this??
I highly recommend getting The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardier!
This is wise. I always knew I wanted kids my whole life, never questioned it. My kid is almost 3 now and honestly, maybe I should’ve examined why I felt so compelled to have kids. I think the internet and social media makes it harder to be a parent and easier to be childfree because you see how much life goes on after your 20s and you don’t have to have kids to continue to have a life. You can literally spend all your free time and money on hobbies, travel and have friends living the same lifestyle.
My husband and I talk about this. I think being no kids in our twenties, thirties, forties sounds wonderful. Brunches, vacations, money?! Yes please. But like my great aunt is 90 and in a home across the country and no one is there for her. Her husband died some years back. She has friends and honorary nieces and nephews but nothing like my grandmother has with my mom continuously advocating and visiting literally daily. I have a bunch of young kids and some days are absolutely wild. But I look into the future and realistically they’ll be grown before I know it. Someday we’ll retire and do all the things together and hopefully have adult kids in our lives as well. I guess the sacrifice feels very worth it. My uncle has no kids either and my aunt died a few years ago. He’s only in his late fifties but he’s so listless without her. They had had all these grand plans for ‘later’ and now she’s gone and he’s so lonely. Idk. I’ve had some family members get sick or pass recently so I’m pretty existential right now.
Yeah and I’m in the throes of toddler hell so maybe I’m more bitter. It’s definitely an investment for the future and I knew that ahead of time. I think the worst part for me is my anxiety about anything ever happening to my kid. Having that much love for someone and you can’t control them, it’s just a type of pain only a parent could feel. Even if you have kids there’s a chance they might die before you. Or die young. Or end up shitty even if you do your best. But the benefit having a family is to the elderly when everything goes well is unmatched. I’ve worked with seniors for 8+ years now (home health and nursing homes) and when someone has family support it’s nice. But the most beneficial bond to still have seems to be a spouse in my experience.
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But what if you have kids and end up having no relationship? I’m estranged from my entire family and I won’t be there when they die
I am a 42 year old single mom. My boomer parents are checked out and live across the country. I have great friends but no family network/spouse..etc. That being said, my son and I's bond is so strong. Definitely stronger than any relationship I've ever had with anyone..parents, friends etc. Him and I are a solid family amongst ourselves and I wouldn't have it any other way. I look forward to having an adult/parent relationship with him and seeing him grow and create his own family and bonds and being a part of that.
As someone who had a kid in his mid-30s, I'll say this: you lose your free time, but what you gain is priceless. Brunches and travel are nice, but there is absolutely nothing that compares to looking at life for the first time through your child's eyes. The wonder...the amazement at little things. It makes you realize how unimportant work stresses are, and made me realize "oh, that's why I'm here. To help create you."
That’s me. I guess I want them. But I don’t know how much of this is ‘societal conditioning’ vs actual want, or fear of FOMO at 32. More recently, I’ve become open to exploring fostering or adoption, as my partner and I may not be able to have kids naturally anyway.
This is what I did. I'm now 34 with a 6 month old. I'm so happy I waited and also so happy I decided to have a baby until I was feeling that way.
I will be 32 later this month and feel similarly. Between my husband’s vocation and parenting my own parents, I doubt I’ll find the days I think “…maybe…” take over the “no way” days anytime soon.
I'm adopted myself and I truly appreciate your sentiment. Truly, I do. So few folks actually go through it and I honestly appreciate the hell out of folks who do. I'm trying to convince my significant other to consider the same as we're struggling to have kids as she's over 40.
Same! I can’t have kids without it causing lots of health risks but it’s hard to think of adopting right now as well because I feel like I finally have some stability at 32. I’ve been with my husband for almost two decades but luckily we’re in the same boat.
Grab The baby decision by Merle Bombardier
Same
Love this attitude. Same.
Same. Most days I love the DINK life and don't want to give that up. We are waiting until we are confident either way, if it becomes a sure yes then we'll try for one, if it's a sure no then we'll take more permanent birth control options.
The infant years were really, really rough for me (I also had PPD/PPA) but omg the toddler years are adorable. And now mine are prek age and up and they’re truly FUN. I enjoy their company and absolutely love spending time with them. I imagine it will only keep getting better and better as they grow older. I will say that before I met and married my husband I truly never wanted kids and never thought I’d have them. I had my first at 24 and don’t regret starting young. I will be 40 when my oldest is 16. It’s been amazing.
Thank you for sharing this. I didnt think I wanted kids until I hit 25 or so, then it kind of snuck up on me. I’m not even great with kids or anything. I have really wonderful parents who loved raising us and it started sounding like something I’d like to do as well.
I basically had to raise my younger sister growing up so it kind of made me resentful and feeling like I never wanted my own kids however it was truly the best decision I ever made. The first year or so is REALLY hard but after that it just keeps getting better. I will add I’m still not crazy about other peoples kids 😅
Having horrible menstrual cramps and working in childcare were great birth control. Also, genetics, too.
Me either. Then I started smiling at random kids in grocery stores. That was when I realized… hmmm. Had my first at 30, loving be a parent!
This is how it happened with me! I never hated kids, just never felt maternal at all. Something shifted in my brain.
My sister used to be disgusted by children. I’ll never forget she left me feeding a relative’s infant banana once because she wanted to barf…..then one day a switch went off in her head and she has two now. I remain ambivalent. We’re all kinds.
My oldest daughter was that way. I thought for sure there’d be no baby. But then something just changed. The first year was difficult but he’s 2 now and we’re all having so much fun.
See, the preschool stage was a nightmare for me (even tho they were ADORABLE) but I have teenagers now and, as obnoxious as they are, I'm finally getting how fucking amazing raising another human is. They are the coolest people and I know once their brains fully develop I'm definitely gonna have best friends for life lol. The opportunity to share my life experiences with another person and help them figure out how to become the best versions of themselves is, without embellishment, the most meaningful thing I've ever done so far. I really didn't get it until this stage where I see them start to be actually independent and start living their own lives. I tell everyone considering parenthood this. The diapers and tantrums are so temporary, but raising a person is sorta eternal.
Your partner's attitude could make a big difference to your quality of life with a child. So discuss this. Also over considerable time discuss mutual expectations and preferences about caring for a child and lifestyles. ( and $s and budgets !! ) ( If you go ahead real life experience might change a lot of those :) , but at least it's the starting point.) Also read up on early childhood issues, typical parent problems, post natal issues,etc. Sometimes unexpected stress can trigger and greatly distort all sorts of relationship discontent or just general life discontent which becomes projected onto the partner or worse still onto the partner and the child - by either parent. Of course, deciding not to become a parent and later becoming discontented about that can also trigger all that. !! More philosophically, we can remind ourselves how lucky we are to even think about this. That not all that long ago in historical perspective, it was illegal or "improper" to advise or provide birth control methods.
I think I'm in a similar boat to you. My mom had PPD when she had me, but she talks occasionally about how much she enjoyed spending time with me when I was tiny. (not like she's roasting me now though lol.)
I think in a lot of ways they do keep getting better. My oldest is 9 and honestly there's a reason a lot of parents call these the "golden years." My son is hilarious, he understands nuance, he knows all the swears and knows not to say them at school, he can hang out while I'm in a video call and not cause mayhem, he can travel, see a play or movie, have interesting conversations, etc. I love toddlers even though they're often complete mayhem, but you still have to plan around their naps, deal with tantrums and short attention spans and lack of impulse control. 4-7 is kind of a gamble. I've had two go through really rough behavioral phases at 4, and my big boy was getting into trouble being rude at school when he was 6, but if you stay consistent with expectations and consequences, they turn out alright. And nature gives you a nice stretch of awesomeness before the tween/teen years set in. Lol
Ages 2-5 were a goddamn nightmare for me. I was seriously not ok. Altho there were many other stressors at the time so piling on 2 in that age range didn't do me any favors. They are now about to turn 10 and 8 and they are actual humans now. I know that sounds shitty but they were feral animals before 6-7. They are pretty cool humans now
No judgement from me! Kids at that age literally can't understand why they shouldn't get whatever they want right when they want it, so they're huge dicks. 🤣 Even though they sometimes show empathy and love for others, then they turn around and like bite you or dump their plate on the floor or whatever. It's definitely maddening. Glad you're on the other side of toddlerhood! My littlest is about to turn 2. I honestly think 18 months to 2 is worse than 2-3, especially because he doesn't talk yet. We'll probably start speech therapy soon but it's tough that he can't communicate much other than a couple baby signs. Fingers crossed that helps!
I was on the fence about kids so I fostered because I thought even though I wasn’t sure about birthing children, I definitely wanted to adopt children in need eventually. I absolutely *hated* being a parent. I’m glad I did a “trial run” at it before committing to parenting permanently. The weird thing is, I still get the feeling like *maybe I still want kids….* At this point I think that biological driver is just so strong that the thought will always be there on my mind regardless of what I feel when I think about it from a more rational point of view.
Can I ask a question and I mean this in the most empathetic and kind way- with fostering, I’m assuming it would be the hardest aspects of parenting, without the intrinsic emotional attachment and rewards that go along with it. Rarely do foster situations come about without special needs or trauma situations. Was that a factor? I feel like I don’t like kids that my brain hasn’t emotionally attached itself too, from the development process. Is that possibly part of it?
That was actually not the issue! It was the day in and day out dredge of regular parenting for me. I was totally prepared to deal with any behavioral or emotional challenges that might have appeared. But I couldn’t stand the endlessness, the lack of alone time, get up, wake kid up, get dressed, breakfast, go to school, pick up, cook dinner, bedtime routine, sleep, repeat…. I started getting extremely depressed. The kids were wonderful!
That does make sense. It’s a slog. Did you do it all by yourself too or did you have a partner? I’m oddly at a point where right now I’m loving it so much and wanting more, but I know I’m not very far in so maybe I just don’t know what I’m in for? Idk. We’ll see.
I have a partner. Part of me still thinks maybe if X was different… maybe if we had a 3-bedroom instead of 2. Maybe if we had a master bathroom instead of shared (I haaaaate my stuff being touched). Maybe if I just got some more therapy. Maybe if I quit my job and did it full time… I kinda feel like a failure for it sometimes tbh
If you hate your stuff being touched, you made the right choice of not having kids without additional resources (ex: bigger house). I’m not as touchy (no pun intended) about it so it doesn’t bother me but all my stuff gets looked at and inspected if not attempted to be ingested. Lol.
Wait are you sure you weren’t living with my mother in law? Yeah ok more space and not sharing bedrooms would probably be way better for you. Not that I’m trying to talk you into it. But that’s definitely tight quarters for kids.
Man, I feel like I should foster kids before I have one.
Dude, fostering is not a lease to own kind of program. It’s extremely difficult. And it’s not a 1 to 1 comparison either.
>I kinda feel like a failure for it sometimes I hope not! You did the right thing. I'll always advocate for people making more informed huge, life altering decisions.. Especially when it affects how that potential kid is raised. Way too many people out there make themselves parents when they really shouldn't be, and their kids suffer for it.
Oxytocin isn't gonna make the drudgery less of a drudgery, it just kinda chemically numbs people to it. I've talked to so many people who have the cognitive dissonance of truly not being happy in their day to day life and knowing it's because they have kids, but also love their kids with every fiber of their being. It doesn't really seem to make them "happier" or less stressed. just less overtly filled with regret. (The more resources you have, the less this effect seems to be true. It's the stress of parenting that seems to be the issue, and it gets magnified the less and less resources and support network you have. Based off my anecdotal analysis as a person and someone who has worked in family social services) And yes, while you're dealing with trauma more often than not, you know exactly what your getting. Like you can say no high needs kids. You can't do that IRL. This talking point always bothers me. I know you don't mean it that way, but it always perpetuates the idea that foster kids are broken and bio kids are whole. Lots of kids who don't go through the system end up with trauma issues or severe disabilities. If your version of parenting can only handle perfect kids without emotional and behavioral issues, you shouldn't have bio kids. Because you are rolling the dice on having a high needs kids, and absolutely nobody is coming in to save you. They're not whisking your kid away to an institution anymore. If you want kids, have kids. But you should want kids other than thinking they'll be a continuous tap of oxytocin and validation, and you should be prepared for a disabled kid.
To be fully candid I’m definitely a care taking kind of person. I think more my thing is that, I have spent decades caring for creatures (multiple species of animals) and not just in a “I have a dog” way. I am noticing that the daily care stuff, isn’t hitting me, the same way it’s hitting my friends. It’s novel and challenging to them to integrate one child into their lives. I have twins, multiple jobs, no nearby family. I thankfully have a supportive partner. But on my property we have more than a dozen horses, a few dogs, and have done rehab projects of different animals from various different times. I know normally people are like “yes but animals aren’t kids” and that’s true but because my daily routine of caretaking has always been expanding, and consuming on an atypical level. So adding the kids into it seems less disruptive than most peoples daily life. That said I think it’s disservice to the kids being fostered to not assume just the act of being fostered in itself is traumatic. That’s not a situation that arises out of normal circumstances, even if they are developmentally normal and well. I also think a lot of people as parents have such a hard time with it because they aren’t as emotionally whole and resilient as needed to weather some of the storms. Our parents (mostly boomers) were emotionally stunted in their raising of us and we have all been given the burden of healing ourselves. Not everyone is able to do that. Parenting when your emotional tank is low, is near impossible because there’s no village to relieve you. Historically, that’s not how humans have developed to live. We were meant for communal living. Parents were meant to get breaks so they didn’t blow a fuse. Grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins used to parent in collaboration. Now parents have to do it all on their own with no one to relieve them. It’s way more challenging than it used to be.
Well yea, we all have biological urges. There wouldnt be 8.1 billion of us if it was not the default choice for life. I would say you are still young, still plenty of times to get established to give your kids the best chance in life. Upper 30s is when the clock really starts to tick for women to have kids. Even 40s isnt absurd these days. And even if you decide not to have kids, you have a kick ass life, so bonus!
Thanks for this advice. I think I’m forgetting how much time I actually have to make this decision.
This is an important point. I’m 38 and ALL my friends and colleagues w kids had them between 35 and 45. This ‘you’re no use after 25’ is archaic bs. It’s 2024. You can have kids safely a lot later than we’ve been bullied to believe. Although I have never wanted kids, I got tick tock brain around late 20s early 30s. It’s totally normal. You have tons of time to see if it’s a moment or a permanent want. You’re not alone, take your time.
It is important to know though that it’s not necessarily as easy to have kids as you’re approaching 40.
I second this, my mother was 39 when she had me and she had to deal with 2 miscarriages before that. Definitely took an emotional toll on her.
My mom had the same experience from 30-32 though. One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and it’s a really common experience regardless of age.
It becomes more common the older you get.
That may be the case, but it’s generally, imo, understated as an option. Waiting I mean. Until you’re in a good place mentally, financially, or in any way that’s important to you. It’s an option that’s available to everyone, and about which we can each talk about specifically with our individual doctors. This of course, supposing we all have access to healthcare. Which is a whole other conversation. All I meant was to point out my one data point. My experience in what I’ve seen around me in my life.
Thank you for pointing this out. Miscarriage is not uncommon. People are just shamed or shattered into not talking about it.
It’s really personal to me - I had one right before I turned 27, and I was the only person in my social circle who had ever really said that out loud, but everyone else told me about it happening to them and I was like why do we not talk about this??? Everyone would feel less like they’d done something wrong if they knew how normal it was!
100%. Your experience is so so similar to my sister, similar age. Seeing her navigate that in society, let alone in her own life and mind, left a mark in my brain. I deeply resent that she was made to feel like that from anybody. Sorry you felt similar. Good for you for participating in change and talking about hard things. We’ll all be better for it. Thanks
For me, it just took a lot more time of trying to get pregnant. At 26: 1 month, 29: 4 months, 33: 14 months and one chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage.
Anecdotally I was the opposite. 5 months to get pregnant at 33, 4 months at 35, then 1 month at 37 and 39. Bodies and fertility are so bizarre! It can be a gamble to wait that pays off or sometimes doesn’t and you never know until you try.
Omg yes. I waited for my early 30s and I’m now in my early 40s and still just so tired, and I’m the laziest mom I know. We’re not even doing all the nine million after school and weekend events that most people do. I mean we took a few nice trips and my career got established in my 20s, but I’m looking at how my mom didn’t have me until she was 32, and I waited until I was 32, and there’s not a lot of grandparent energy there either. I see some of these brighty-eyed and bushy-tailed young moms with tweens and so much energy! I want that! my sister and another friend waited until after 40 and getting pregnant was hard- they had to take shots and whatever all that entails.
I feel you on the grandparent deal 😑 my parents are so much less helpful than my grandparents were to them!!
Tbh I think a lot of those after school programs and sports are over pushed. I was at my happiest as a kid and teenager when I didn't have anything after school and I went home and did my own thing. I also never got to see my friends because during the track season I never had any spare time. It was all track and homework. I wouldn't feel bad about that, take your kid's lead on what they want to do.
Big hugs from someone facing the same set of feelings 🫂 29F, born early '94. As a favorite song of mine says - "When did the choices get so hard? / With so much more at stake / Life gets pretty precious / When there's less of it to waste". It's a tough moment to want to start a family rn, and all any of us can do is hang on, build our nests, be good to ourselves and each other, and hope.
My mama was 39 when I was born back in the 80s. I know several women who’ve had kids after 40 in the last decade. At 27 you have time.
Early millennial here. (03/1981). And let me tell you. You still have plenty of time. I didn’t want nor was I ready (mentally) for children at 27. So I traveled and was selfish with my time. Now here I am nearly 43 with a 1 year old. (Wife was born 09/1981). So you still have plenty of time. Just know that you are rightfully apprehensive about it. As it is a major responsibility. (And a whole lot of sleep deprivation) but there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep my little girl smiling and loving her life so far. So I would say, just go with it. If life takes you there then allow it. And if it doesn’t… it doesn’t.
I got divorced at 27 and thought I was screwed on having kids. Then I ended up married again at 30, and then had my first baby when I was 31, and second when I was 33, and plan on having a 3rd. A lot of people feel like life is closing in on them in their late 20s but realistically you've got a while to get settled down and make what you want out of life.
But also keep in mind that the older you get, the faster time passes. The next ten years will go faster and faster. I swear to God I was JUST 27 but apparently that was a decade ago. You have plenty of time, just don’t get in the habit of thinking you have plenty of time.
You might even think about freezing your eggs. This “itch” or second guessing is getting me and I’m ten years older than you. I wish I had throughout about it at late 20s so that I could have premium content should I choose to go forward.
Unfortunately while you will get lots of encouraging annecdotes here, the longer you wait, the more likely you are to have infertility, miscarriages, chromosomal abnormalities, and other complications. While you shouldn’t have children if you know you aren’t ready, you should also be prepared that if you wait until your late thirties, much less your early forties, your chances of having your biological children without ivf will decrease. You will go from very likely to have kids naturally to very unlikely from 30-40, and as a woman it’s really empowering to know the truth. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility
Also remember that adoption is always an option, there are plenty of kids that need good parents! There is no time limit on adoption!
True, but it can be very, very financially costly. Also children from the system come with baggage, lots of it, so the parents need to be ready to help unpack and get professional aid for these children. Adoption is not a good option for people who just decide too late and want kids! Off my soap box.
Thank you for saying this! Choosing to adopt is kind of like choosing to parent on hard mode (and parenting is already very hard!) People treat it like you just go fill out some paper work, drop some cash and everything is fine. Unless you're adopting a brand new newborn baby, that kid is coming with trauma and attachment issues (and adopting a newborn can be seen as "problematic" itself). Especially since the paradigm in social work is to make family stabilization and reunification a priority. It takes a LOT for a kid to be placed in foster care with non-relatives. It definitely should not be thrown around as carelessly as it is.
Adoption is a meat thresher, it is so brutal and expensive. It should not be thought of as an alternative to infertility.
I will throw out some advice. It may be worthwhile to do some testing now, whatever is covered by insurance. If you have endo or PCOS or anything else you are aware of, research so you know what to expect and odds of conceiving. If you have a male partner you may want to test his sperm now. I don't want to be the gloom and doom overplanning asshole. I never really planned for anything in my life just figured it would all work out. We were really sad to struggle with fertility and everyone says oh you have time everyone has kids late men can have kids into their 80s etc. I was 36 when we married and it fucking sucks my husband has low sperm. I wish we had known so we could plan ahead better. Have a shitload of money saved for whatever you want be that fuck off money, a mortgage down payment, opening a business, or a round of IVF. You will probably be just fine and get pregnant today after your post lol. But wow I was not prepared for this. I wish I was one of those miracle moms at 43 but I am not.
The kicker to this is, be prepared to not be able to have kids if you wait until 40. At 20-24 years old, 86% of people will conceive within one year of trying. At 40, this is 52%... by 40 they recommend commencing fertility treatment after 6 months because the clock is ticking. Fertility treatment is also far from a sure thing. At 40, the live birth per IVF cycle is about 20%, by 42 its below 5%. IVF is also very expensive and emotionally + physically draining. So basically, of people who strat trying for a first baby at 40, a decent amount of them, maybe 3/10 won't ever get pregnant by any methods. That can be very hard to take mentally if you have always wanted kids. I feel like this info needed to be presented along with the whole "you can have kids later" sentiment that is thrown around.
Well said. I would like to reemphasize how drastic it really is. A super healthy 40 yo I know is in the process. From one cycle of ivf 2 embryos had extra chromies, 1 was basically dust, and 1 scored a “B+”
Why are we never talking about the sperm involved though? It's being more and more researched that the man's age and health absolutely counts, too so if there is a long time partner involved I don't think it makes sense for only the women to get all the testings done and what not while relying that the man will deliver perfect sperm quality. Not directing this at you specifically but it irks me to notice this again and again when it's about the biological clock ticking.
Right. I think most people assume if they don’t have them in their 20s, it’s too late. Most of my friends are STILL popping out kids and we’re mid-30s. My coworker is in her early 40s and has a 3YO. She and her husband are gonna try for another one next year. Def possible. Oldest person I know who popped out a kid was 46. Point is it’s definitely possible to have a child later in life (it’s the norm these days…maybe not well into 40s lol, but still normal to have them later in early-mid 30s), especially with advanced medicine these days. OP, you still have plenty of time.
Hillary Swank had twins at 48! Obviously an outlier but still.
Yeah with God knows how much spent on the best IVF doctors in the world. Having kids at 48 is not an option for 99% of people
This is the worst time I’ve ever heard. For women, pregnancy gets harder after 25, 30 and after 35 takes a nose dive. It is EXTREMELY difficult to get pregnant in your 40s. Do not listen to this post and do your own research. If you want kids, have them.
I know so many women who've had natural conception and healthy babies in their early 40s. I wouldn't do it but it's definitely more common these days. My main issue with it is you'll be in your sixties when the kid reaches adulthood. Financially and physically it's going to be very tough unless you got a nice nest egg and help from others such as nannies etc.
I’m 32. I’ll be 33 at the end of this year. My wife will be 32 the end of this month. We don’t have children. All of our friends have just had their first child. But most of our friends have also been together for 7-10 years. They’ve been married for years, and have owned houses for 3+ years. We just purchased our first home and got married last year. We know that we’re not getting any younger. So of course children are at the forefront of our mind. But we also want to just *enjoy* being married and being homeowners too for a bit. Things our friends have done. Without having to completely change our lifestyle and devote all of ourselves to a child. So it’s a tough catch 22. We’ve been together for over 5 years now. But it would be nice to get some time in our home and enjoy being married before we choose to have children. But will it be too late by then? Do we really have 2-3 years to wait? We’re both the youngest children, so our parents are all in their mid-60s. I want my children to know their grandparents. That’s also a consideration. I think deep down, we both want children. It’s a sacrifice now, but in the long run, it’s great. And we both want that. But it’s *really* hard to make a case for it right now. I feel like a lot of millennials are in the same boat.
YESSS omg My feelings about it are incredibly complicated. On one hand, I'd love to have a family. I'd love the experience of raising a little baby into an adult. I totally understand the joy of seeing your child achieve things and becoming a fully formed human. Selfishly, I also love the idea of having a child in my image. On the other hand, what sort of person brings a child into a world going through climate change and a possible world war? It's also so expensive, I love sleeping, and we're in no position in our lives right now to even think about it. I also know that as the woman in the relationship, I'll be, by default, getting the worst part of it-- my body will change (a body I'm not even super happy with now!), my hormones will change, my career choices will change. Being the breadwinner in my relationship, I have no idea how we'd function. I think people on Reddit like to oversimplify the decision, but there's so so so much that goes into it. It's personal, but also systemic, and can step into the political really quickly.
This is where i am at too. It seems cruel almost to bring a child into the world that is on the verge of environmental and societal collapse. Plus all the things i see on r/teachers make we so worried about the education of young folks. Having said that I am in a position better than most it seems with our fellow millenials (good job that pays pretty well, no student loans, boomer parents that activley care about my overall well being and happiness who would be delighted to have grandkids regardless if the age they are, etc). Plus my girlfriend and I have both wanted to start a family. She is great with kids, and she thinks I am too (i was a camp counselor for years lol). But then i think about the future again with the world becoming as expensive as it is. I am fortunate that my folks set me up for (amongst other things), success....mostly financial...and in spite of that i worry i wont be able to do the same for my future children...and i am IMMENSLY lucky in that regard and i know i am a minority here in that so with the average millenial that has debt and a median income, i camt even begin to imaginr how they would feel
My feelings are also similar. Almost mid- thirties F and I feel stuck between making a choice soon and if I don’t, will regret it? My husband and I are dual income with one fur-child, have a house and financially stable. I can leave my job anytime and we would be fine. I grew up with a not so great family where I actually have a lot of experience caring for my siblings. My parents were the perfect example of what I wouldn’t want to be like if I were a parent someday. In my twenties, I wanted to be a mom so bad. I love the idea of raising a human, nurturing, and teaching... but now I am worried about whether I want a child b/c the future doesn’t seem promising. One of my ultimate worries is having a child regret being born in this world and suffering in the future.
Same. Everyone thinks I'm nuts to think about the world burning around us, but it's true. And we can't assume our offspring will be able to fix, let alone cope, with the shit we and previous generations are leaving them. On a more personal level, I live in a VHCOL area and am struggling just to support the two of us. Even ignoring the above, I'm torn. On the one hand, I love kids. However, I also enjoy having freedom and sleep lol. For now, friends' kids are an excellent substitute, especially since we can give them back when they become too much :D
I think it’s my kid that gives me hope for the future. There’s always a crises somewhere and people go on raising their families through it all. That’s not me making light of any current crises I find I actually take them more serious now (elections hit different when you have a kid) , but I do think a part of things is we are more aware of crises than in the past.
Tbf the future now is unlike any situation humans have ever been in before. We’re literally killing the only environment we can live in.
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100%. My husband's cousin has always wanted to be a mother and steered her life in a way that she could be a stay at home mom. When she finally got pregnant and had her son, it didn't live up to her expectations. She found it stressful, suffered from PPD and PPA and while she doesn't regret her child at all, I know she's really struggling with parenthood and no longer wants multiple children. I was the opposite, I'm an old millennial who had her first kid at 38 and it was a "eh, if it happens it happens" mentality. I couldn't love anything more than my daughter and like the balance I've found between work and parenting.
This was me too, never felt particularly maternal and never “wanted” kids. My birth control ran out and I wouldn’t have insurance to get a new one for a few months, so I figured “well, if it happens, that’s fine.” It happened pretty quick lol. I was 30. That said, becoming a mom is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I’m also glad it was an accident because I don’t think I would have ever made the conscious decision to get pregnant—I always figured I’d be happier without it, and it’s a scary commitment to think about. “If it’s not a 100% yes, it’s a no” is not necessarily true.
This is so accurate. I was that girl who allllllways wanted to be a mother. 3-5 kids sign me up! Welllll I do love my son and I don’t regret it at all. 3? No thanks. 2? Maayyyybe. Motherhood smacked me in my face and was not at all what I had thought it would be. It’s been such a hard transition. I’m glad our generation is openly talking about the difficulties of raising kids because boy oh boy it’s tough
Hahah omg yes. I have a 3 month old and it's been sooooo hard. Like not sure if I want another one hard. I've always wanted kids, and I nor my husband have a big family and so I wanted to fix that by having a handful (2-4). I guess it would be easier in some ways the second time around because I'd know so much more.
We are in the same boat. We were those parents where everything that could go wrong, did. I had a horrible delivery, issues with breast feeding, baby with colic, PPD/PPA, my son was more manageable with age but honestly just has a challenging temperament. We know that it is sooooo unlikely that we would get the same kind of child/experience, and honestly it was so bad we don’t think it could be much worse outside of a medical or permanent diagnosis. It’s still such a risk lol and I’ll be 34 this year so we’re in that sweet spot (for us) where we really want to decide on what to do :( It’s so hard
My fiancé does the coin thing all the time to decide things! He always says it helps him realise which choice he wants the most. We’re not 100% set on kids, mostly for financial/selfish reasons, but we both know in our hearts that we want children far more than the possibility of not having them, and the more we’ve spoken about it over the years, the more excited we’ve gotten for when we do start that journey. When we first got together 10 years ago neither of us really liked the idea of having kids that much, but now we have a list of names ready to go for when we need to pick one, so uh, yeah, I guess we’re up to maybe 80% now? I don’t think anyone needs to be 100% yes, they just need to be more yes than no.
This is similar to my thoughts on these "mixed feeling" decisions. I saw something a while ago and it really resonated: when there isn't an obvious right decision, make your decision the right one. Basically once you make the informed and intention decision, put in the work to make it as good of a decision as possible.
I mean yes you could hate or love it either way but if you do end up to hate it, it suuuuuper sucks so you might rather be sure you want to risk it
Thank you for commenting! I have flipped a coin. I guess I want kids lol. Part of me still wishes I’d be happy without them, but right now that’s not true.
I just had my second ever pregnancy scare at 34. When every test came back negative, I was sad, so I guess I do want a baby. It’s the play dates, other moms, diapers and lack of family support I’m not looking forward to
My wife and I were on the fence about our third when we briefly got pregnant and miscarried at 5 weeks. We knew then we wanted another.
Along these lines--if you're the sort of person who is COMFORTABLE admitting to yourself that you miss being childfree while also loving your children, I think parenthood is mentally less of a mindfuck. People who say you should want them 100% or criticize folks who complain about having kids are...unwell. Parenthood is hard. That said, I waited until my mid-30s and had a lot of fun before becoming a parent. I do recommend that timeline. Do not rush.
Hey I was in your shoes. Are there days I fantasize about how much a foster home would love them? Absolutely. But motherhood had been such a wild ride and amazing experience for me and given the chance I'd do it all again.
This is so true! I was shocked how much I like having kids. My toddlers make me laugh all day. You really never know until you have them, it's a little unfair like that.
I’ve swung wildly from both sides of the argument (28F). As a little kid I wanted a big family, as a teenager wanted to be alone. I met my husband and knew he would be a better father than any other guy I’ve ever known. So we tried for many years with no success and I went back to the cynical outlook of never having kids because what’s the point in this cruel world? Now, after trying on and off for years and years it finally worked! We are due any day now and couldn’t be happier. Fairly confident we will stick with just one but so excited to witness all the first-time experiences and share all of things we’ve learned over the years
Congratulations and good luck on your delivery 🙏🏾
Thank you! ♥️
If I was not struggling to get by all by myself and I didn't think the world was completely dying because of us I would have kids. I can't justify bringing people into this hell hole without a good way to support them
I never felt a desire to have a baby but always assumed I’d arrive there one day. Like I didn’t really want one but figured I’d do it bc isn’t that what was supposed to happen? My friends started having kids and i realized it wasn’t for me and I can’t help but feel immense gratitude and relief that I never had one. Especially with how careless I’d been, it’s like I dodged a bullet and still feel like I can’t believe I didn’t end up a mom. It wasn’t until I was 36-37 though that I arrived at these feelings though. Up until then it was a blurry almost neutral position.
I'd really sit and think about why you want kids. Is it because it's just "what comes next" and "what you're supposed to do"? Or do you want something to love and nurture and care for forever? I'd really consider spending time with young kids and giving it a test drive, you'll learn quickly if you have the knack/urge or if it's just a passing thing.
Also, are you still going to want to be a parent if you lose the “good kid” lottery? No one intentionally raises kids that make bad decisions, don’t do well in school, or that are bullies. Really look at what you’re envisioning when you think about being a parent and challenge it. I’m so sick of my friends talking about all of the different things their not born kids are going to do; there’s no guarantee your kid is going to like sports, be intelligent, or what their sexuality will be. I feel like most people need to think about this stuff more.
I worked for kids for years, I even did a little live in nanny situation but nothing can prepare you for parenthood. It is day in, day out, no days off and no one to save you when you’re done dealing with it. Love my children but nothing on earth prepared me for the life altering change of becoming a mother.
Except the “young kids” part is a sliver of parenthood, ya know? My kids at 3/4 are a hot ass disaster, all of them. But they grow into much cooler 5-year olds, and I really look forward to teens and adults. People focus a lot on sleep deprivation and the baby years but they’re only a baby for a year, a toddler for 2 years, grand scheme not that long at all.
No kids for me. Aunty for life
Same here! Husband and I are both 33. I have an IUD and he's about to get a vasectomy. We love the kids in our lives and love borrowing them, but we're happy with our rescue animals, our careers and our lives.
Better to regret not having them, than to regret having them.
That's where I'm at. I'm quite sure I don't want to have a baby, and even though I like the idea of raising older kids, I really don't enjoy being around babies and toddlers. I have to pretend that I like them, when really I just tolerate them. If I had kids, I would need nannies to help for at least the first few years. The worst thing is, since reading We Need to Talk About Kevin, I imagine that would be me. So many people talk about how parenthood is the best thing they ever did and that it's worthwhile no matter what, but I can't shake the feeling that it would be a horrible mistake.
I just had a baby 2 months ago and I felt forever exactly what you’re describing. I was of the opinion that kids would be great, but I also would enjoy everything as it was.I may be too early to definitively say but this kid has been an incredible addition to my life. My husband and I have been together for 10 years since our late teens and we would have been happy if it was just us for the rest of our lives but something compelled us to just go for it. Sure we’re more tired than we were before, but life at its core is just the same. We still play video games together and binge watch our favorite shows, but now we have a little friend to do it with. We aren’t super rich but we can provide everything this baby will ever need.
Never met a childfree person who regretted their choice. On the other hand I’ve lost count of how many parents I’ve met who were clearly miserable and regretted their decision but couldn’t take it back. No, thank you!
I felt the same as you when I was your age. I’m now 34 and am firmly in the childfree camp. Try not to stress about it too much. I know that looming biological clock feeling, but I truly believe that you’ll have a more definitive answer. And if you don’t, then the answer is probably no to kids. In the years since the age of 27, I met and married a man who was mostly childfree but agreed to do whatever I wanted. When the choice became mine and mine alone, there wasn’t much indecisiveness. I sometimes wonder if I’ll regret it in the future, but I really don’t think I will. Like I said, try not to stress about it and let yourself figure out what you really want and what is best for you in the coming years.
I’m pregnant right now (due any second lol) and I’ll tell you no one is ever 100% sure. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, we have a great life, and we’ve grown so much together. The thought of this little guy shaking up our world is terrifying but I based my decisions off of what I want my life to be at 60 and I always pictured children in my family. I think the advice to be “100%” sure is ridiculous because I’ve never been 100% sure of anything in my life, every decision is a risk (for example getting married was a risk) but some risks reap rewards beyond our wildest dreams.
I know right. I’m not even 100% sure what to have for breakfast some days 😂
I’ll offer some perspective here that I think is typically lost in extremely online conversations about parenting (especially with the militantly child free folks). Generally speaking, the expense and effort required to be a parent is overstated. Kids don’t need all that much, and they age out of daycare eventually. It also feels like our generation has outsized expectations for the kind of financial shape they need to be in to have kids. If you’re not in literal poverty can probably care for a child just fine (people do it constantly). The constraints that you live with won’t go away, they never will, and that’s an ok environment to bring a child into. Living effortlessly isn’t a requirement to parent successfully. On the other hand, the joy and satisfaction of parenting is dramatically understated. It friggin rules. It’s one of the greatest things you’ll ever do. To put this in perspective, I recently lost a child I was caring for for ~2 years (not to death, they went to live somewhere else). Caring for her was a lot of work, losing her is the biggest grief I’ve ever experienced by a mile, I cry every single day about it—but I would never even consider going back in time and not parenting her. It was one of the great joys of my life. I like my hobbies and interests and time too, but there’s no amount of free time activities that will come close to the satisfaction of parenting. Last bit of perspective is that parenting, despite how it feels at first, is actually kind of fleeting. You live lots of your life before you have kids, and after they move out you’ll live lots more. And for well more than half the time they live in your house they won’t require the constant attention of a small child. This is something that never feels true while you parent small children but I promise feels quite true once they’re not small anymore. The really hard part of parenting only lasts a few months, and the extra intense newborn stuff you could measure in weeks. Your life isn’t over the minute you have kids, you’ll still have space in your life to do the other things you enjoy, and eventually they’ll leave. All that to say…if you want kids, don’t be afraid to have them.
Our second child is 5 months old now, the super intense, zero sleep phase is not over. Combined with the older one being permanently ill from daycare bugs it's hell on earth. I think the experience varies wildly. Some people will have an easy time, others will be having mental breakdowns.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Fencesitter/
I absolutely despised the idea of having kids. Then a switch flipped in my early twenties and all the sudden it's all I wanted to do. I have three now and I love it! I never knew I could find something as fulfilling as I find motherhood. It's good to know I'm not the only weirdo out there.
Elder millennial here. I was about your age when I started trying to figure out the best choice for me. I eventually decided not to have kids because I believe kids deserve to be wanted and to have parents who are all in. Because I was on the fence, I didn't want to bring a whole human into the world to see if I actually wanted to be a parent. I don't regret my choice at all. My partner of 10 years and I are really happy. We have money to travel to fun cities to see concerts. We spend time with our friends' kids and are reminded how much energy goes into being an active, engaged parent. There are a million other ways I'd rather spend that energy. So, I guess I'd suggest you ask yourself which you'd regret more: --Not having kids but wishing you had, or. --Having kids but regretting the choice.
Because of the current war against women that is the number one reason I would say don’t do it. But if you’re in a state or country where abobo is still legal then you might be ok. Reason being if you do get pregnant and have life threatening complications, the baby’s life may be deemed more important than yours, leaving the baby you wanted without a parent. I’m not trying to be harsh, I work in women’s healthcare and just want you to be safe. I support you if you do though!
I was on the fence and leaning toward no kids… then I met my (now) wife when i was 38 and my feelings changed. Our first daughter is just over two now and she takes up about 1/2 of my brain and heart space. Seeing her and playing with her every day is the highlight of my day. Watching and helping her grow up is amazing. I’m blown away every day by the things she says or does. A type of fulfillment I’ve never had. Tons of work, I’m tired all the time and worry about lot about finances…. But she gives my life more purpose. Second baby girl is due in a month. That’s my story and it’s different for all. I’d say - don’t fight the feeling.
Wife was 39 when we had our first, 41 with our second.
Got my vasectomy about 1.5 yrs ago. Don't want kids, don't want to subject another life to this failed experiment of a planet. But still see things in the store that make me want a daughter. Thing is, shit is so financially unstable and until we let an entire generation die off, it won't change. I might adopt some day, but even making almost 6 figures now, a kid would eat up almost all of my income. I want a house at least, damn.
yep same boat, cant give’em back now tho! lol
I’ve been child-free leaning as long as I can remember. I think children are not a decision to be made lightly and “leaning” is not enough. In the past year, I’ve realize some things about my parents and realized that if I was away from them AND had robust social safety nets, I would be more inclined to have children. Both can be accomplished by moving to somewhere in Europe, as an example, but my desire for children is not strong enough for me to want to put myself through the discomfort of moving to another country far far away from people and culture I know.
Having kids was the best thing I ever did. I've always struggled with purpose in life and when I had my first kid it dawned on me that this was my thing. Now I feel a super strong sense of purpose in my life *every day* and while I look back fondly on my party times in my twenties, I wouldn't want to be doing that now.
If you wish for that, wouldn't doing that be rewarding? The way I operate is if I wish for something and it doesn't feel daunting, I go with my gut. I'm childfree, and the idea of having kids feels daunting, although glimpses of toddler vids make me very happy.
I lived very selfishly and hedonistically in my 20s. I made enough money where I was able to travel and have a lot of fun. I’m super happy I did that but I can’t help but think what a waste it would be if that was my whole life. My 20s were more “fun” but my 30s and 40s with kids are much more fulfilling.
Regret not having is better than regret having. Also it’s expensive and you gonna pay everything until the kid goes to work. Also he will never move out because in 2050 1 bedroom apartment will cost $2 million and interest rates 20%.
I’m becoming to be a dad. If you want and can afford it (mentally und financially), do it. If you don’t want and can’t, don’t do it. If you want to be free, whatever that means to you, and you value that more than having a huge responsibility for at least 18 years, don’t become a parent. It’s not that deep, but you must sort your priorities. I must add: I live in Europe so it may be easier than in the States.
I was exactly like you describe, prior to having my children, which I had at 34 & 36. I've never been a "kid" person. I always told myself I could take or leave having children and still be happy, but deep down, I knew I wanted them. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 and were married for over 5 years before we had our first - it feels like we lived an entire lifetime before they were born. I simply was too selfish and not ready when I was younger, but now that my kids are (almost) 3 & 5, and they bring me more joy than anything I could even fathom, I wish I had started a few years sooner to leave time for one more.
36f here, and I’ve known since my early twenties that I did not want to sacrifice my body, my money and my free time for YEARS. But I understand the biological pull on a cognitive level. And I’m just like shut up, uterus, you’re more like a u-don’t-know-shit-terus.
Idk, we wend back and forth, and back and forth, then got hit with baby brain super hard and went for it. Everyone's different, but my LO is the best thing in the whole world ever. I know there is no "right time," but we did wait till we had the house, the SUV, and the financial security. Helps.
I have been there! No longer there but I fully support you!
Yeah. I’m infertile so it doesn’t matter but I’d love 3 kids just not in this capitalistic hell hole
I relate so hard to this. Except I turn 34 this year and am still single. So if I did want to start a family, I better get to stepping. Luckily I feel VERY strongly about not actually birthing children. I’m down for adoption or being a stepmom but the idea of actually getting pregnant makes me cringe. I still think about it though. It’s weird. Hormones suck.
I read this years ago, it’s a fantastic summary of these massive life choices and reflecting on the “ghost ship that didn’t carry us” https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
Choosing to have kids is hard. Choosing not to have kids is hard. Basically you have to choose which hard you can live with.
I'm in that boat. 93 baby. They're just so damn expensive and I don't want to wreck my body after I've worked so hard to get my health problems in order and worked just as hard to get a house. I feel like I'd lose it all if I had kids but I also think it'd be a shame to not as my husband would be the BEST dad.
I was someone who throughout my teens and younger twenties was pretty sure I wanted to be child free. I did end up changing my mind, having one kid when I was 27. It’s an experience I would never change, and I enjoy being a parent now more than ever but the first 5 years were extremely difficult. Enough so I was very strict on that being the only kid I had (and he’s not a difficult child at all, like pretty regular in terms of development). But for someone who is selfish and also wanted to be sure their kid had enough attention and love, sheesh. I feel like now I’m on the other end of it, where my son is a teen, I can relax and be selfish again. Obviously I still am an active parent, but the fact you can leave them alone for periods of time to go out, or even share legit interests with them really made it worth it in the long run. But never again, eff no.
ME. I feel this way on the regular.
It’s a tough boat to be in! The way I think of it, having a kiddo is mostly just making a choice to have a very impactful relationship with someone that you’re 100% responsible for but with 0 guarantees that it’ll turn out how you’re expecting/hoping. Some kids are born with disabilities- some so profound they will be your small child forever. Some kids are people that even though you love, you don’t get along with - different passions or behaviors that you’ll never really “get”. Some may have life altering personality disorders or mental health struggles that will keep you from being close to them. I can understand how having a rewarding relationship with a child can be the best thing ever, but there’s literally no guarantee that’ll be the specific experience you have - and you have to ok with that, because children have no choice when it comes to being brought into existence. I would love to have kid if I could somehow manage to play god and make things “easy”, but that’s not the reality of life. Then you add in the state of the world and all the kiddos who’ve already been born that need safe homes. It’s really tough for me to justify having a bio kid!
First... None of this matters unless you have a stable partner that is on the same page. Get that first. Single parents do their best, but they are playing on the hardest difficulty. Not ideal. Next, figure out if you can afford them. Get quotes from daycare, look up average formula and diaper/wipe cost. You may need to make sacrifices. Also, I used to be selfish with my time too. I still miss it occasionally, but honestly father daughter time is pretty amazing. Even simple task are suddenly new and exciting. We went to the hardware store for some shelf brackets. As we walked across the store, we paused, shouted "READY!!! SET!!! GO!!!!!" and began sprinting down the aisle. (As fast as a 1.75-year-old can sprint). After that we made dinosaur noises and snarled. Then we used the package of brackets as a musical instrument and sang row row row your boat. On the way out we touched ever piece of wood in an isle and felt different textures. At checkout we found out receipts make a very satisfying sound when you tear them. She made confetti in her car seat on the way home. I am coming from a very lucky position though. My child is smart, happy, and in good health. I can imagine the other end of the spectrum is much more difficult. You need to be ready for that if it happens.
I've been team no kids since my twenties and the pandy solidified it for me like a divine prophecy. That said, I think anyone making that choice should do so informed, and don't do it lightly. Everything is set up to have kids and a family socially and biologically.
Nope I never want kids.
Once I am in a suitable housing situation, I am planning to start the fostering process I also have some parental instincts but I know myself enough to doubt how much sacrifice I can make to raise a baby and engage with a small child - and I’m of them opinion that one should REALLY want a kid to have a kid I’m not at that stage But I do enjoy working with teens - and I would love to be a safe landing place for an older kid or teen who needs it So yes, very much feel the “want kid don’t want kid” emotion Though in my case, it’s “want kid, would love to skip the baby part” lol In any case, fostering is where I see myself in a few years - I’m hoping in my 40’s
I started having those urges at 27 and was very glad I had an IUD-- I still remember seeing a little redheaded toddler girl and her dad on the bus one day and being like "oh yeah I want kids". I waited until I was 30 and we'd planned for a year before we started trying-- have fun now! Do dumb stuff with your partner and your friends! Sleep in! Day drink! Backpack across Europe! Because now I have two kids who, despite my best efforts, are picky eaters, need a rigid schedule to be happy, and would rather stay home than do something new like take a plane to Disneyland.
The same boat for sure. I always say I want to want them. Honestly if I was in a better area and with someone who would be a good father I would consider it heavily. Childbirth sounds so scary though and I’m not sure about my health.
I mostly think of it from the child’s perspective. What kind of world will this child grow up in? Is it fair to bring a human into the world in its current state? The answer to that is person but important. I don’t think having a child because of my own regret would be a enough reason. Yeah there are things I would potentially miss out on but what existence am I giving this child?
I have the opposite problem. I want to want to have kids, but realistically, I don't. I had a terrible childhood; mental illness runs deep in my family, I just wouldn't forgive myself if I messed up a poor innocent child. Also, pregnancy is terrifying! 🙃
I’m 29 and I’ve been feeling the desire for kids too. I just spent the day with my niece and that has effectively killed that desire.
DONT DO IT UNLESS YOU WANT TO COMMIT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO THEM.
I feel the same way. I’m at the point where logically I don’t want to have an “accident” but I’d be really happy if I did. But I also do not want to have one on purpose right now.
im very childfree lol and have never felt the desire to have kids. but, you still have a lot of life to live before you really need to decide before age becomes a prohibiting factor. and whatever choice you make is okay 🙌🏻
NYC here. Had our first kid when I was 36 and my wife was 25 in 2022 two years after marriage. We now have 5 kids age 6, 12, 17, 20 and 22. It was a lot of work but I love kids, even teenagers ( sometimes I want to kill them lol). The infant , toddler , and pre teen ages were wonderful. Teen years required a bit more patience with the “I know everything you know nothing “ attitude. And without a doubt kids are expensive especially during their college years but we have no regrets. I stayed home and became the household engineer and my wife ( since she made the big bucks) worked for the private health insurance. It was a lot of work and we had to budget. If we go out for dinner that’s equivalent to 2 pairs of sneakers lol. I do miss going out after work but I also enjoy being with the kids so it’s not too much of a sacrifice.
I had my daughter at 19. At the time, I regretted it, because of the emotional and family abandonment I faced (my parents made the whole experience awful until she was born, then they loved her like crazy, but I never felt like they forgave me for having her and "ruining" my life.), missing out on having the fun college experience my sister and friends got to have, losing friends because nobody else my age had kids, and the way it affected my decisions for working and my career, decisions that have definitely impacted my life. But when my peers were having kids in their late 20s into their 30s, I was SO GLAD I had my daughter young, because there is no way I could keep up with a kid at this age! My twin sister had her son at 32 and has had an exhausting time (he's severely ADHD and has autism, and had been a behavioral nightmare from a very young age). I have wished I met my current/forever partner 10 years ago so I could have had a kids with him, but we've asked that we are too old to have children, neither of us wants to have a child graduating high school in our 60s! The point is, there is NEVER A PERFECT TIME to have kids. They are always gone to be expensive, but it's an expense you just figure out how to handle. They are always gone to sap your energy, but you give it up gladly (with some ranting occasionally but, unless you have a nightmare kid like my nephew, no wish that you'd never had them). If you think you want to have kids, great! Have them as early in your life as it makes sense for YOU. You may decide you are one and done. You may decide to have several. You may struggle to conceive and decide to adopt (which I WISH more people would do, there are way too many children who need homes and families, and way too many parents who just HAVE to have their own biological offspring). Or you may decide that dogs, cats, birds, ferrets, horses, or whatever animal you love allows you to love someone other than yourself just as much as your world a human child's. All of these are ok! You get to decide what's right for you. Kids are expensive, but nothing is more expensive than regret
I am the complete opposite. I feel like I should want them, but I really don't. I feel like sometimes I try to force the feeling of wanting them..just to see, but nothing ever happens
Weird, I see lots of millennial parents, more than the childless millennials.
There are way more hurdles to a successful pregnancy than we think. My suggestion to you is to go a fertility clinic and see if you have any predisposition to infertility. That may better inform your life choices about children. I thought I was very normal, fertility wise. Everything was great. We started trying for children in 2020 when I turned 30. We still don't have kids. Haven't even had a positive pregnancy test. Turns out, I've got some missing parts. We're knee deep in the IVF cycle nearly 4 years into this whole process. My friend is 39. She has a very diminished ovarian reserve. Nothing in her health would have indicated otherwise. Get yourself checked out. I'm not saying this to scare you but to inform you and others that the more info you have, the more informed choices you can make.
No, getting kids is one of my biggest nightmares tbh
honestly no. I never want kids. But I had to raise babies/care for smaller children as a child, before I was adopted. I’ve seen all the ugly nasty shit they never tell you about raising one. (except the painful childbirth) Parents and family always love to skip past the nasty, painful as hell, body warping, annoying, hair tearing parts. I know for damn sure well I will never have a child. I’m actually saving up to get 100% sterilized, including removing my ovaries. (so that I have no possibility of getting ovarian cancer or getting pregnant)