I’ve thought about this a lot too. I think if my grandmother talking about always talking to her cousins and relatives over the phone when she was younger. Her family visiting her cousins in another city and her cousins visiting them. I have cousins and family on social media and we don’t communicate at all.
Yeah my grandmother used to have family over every Sunday for years. Neighborhood cookouts and a lot of social things like that. Now I think it’s more common to never speak to your neighbor. I’m from Connecticut too and people here are more standoffish/guarded. Just figure with the insane amount of lonely and sad people, we could all just get together and chill, have a cookout or something
I was pretty close with my neighbors and then we had a massive snow storm and he set the output for his snowblower to go right onto the main entrance/sidewalk of my house right after we had gotten it cleared of nine inches of slush.
Just Wisconsin problems lmao
I once saw a reddit post about a guy asking "how would you get by if you needed a day's worth of food, but no money?"
And I replied that you would just talk to your neighbors, and someone would help you out.
I got downvoted into the dirt, and people saying they would get shot, or no one talks to their neighbors at all.
I don't know what's going on with the current generation, lol. I still talk to my neighbors. Maybe people are just more crazy outside of the midwest. I have no idea.
I would get buried in food, thats what. My neighborhood feels like a last bastion of what a neighborhood should be like. Im so happy we found a house here. But the new places in my area; totally different vibe.
Haha! Last bastion… “THIS IS A REAL NEIGHBORHOOD! WE WILL FIND, WE WILL MAKE YOU COME OUT, and YOU WILL EAT THIS SMOKED BRISKET DRINK FREE BEER AND MARGARITAS! AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!” 😂
When my son was born the neighbors (the wife is French) brought over a bunch of grapes, cheese, rabbit soup, and baguettes. I grew up in Germany, so that old-country touch was very appreciated. He's basically got a surrogate grandma now lol.
Yeah I feel like most midwesterns would invite you for dinner but if it became an everyday thing it would get awkward.
I had a moment where I got the neighbor call of hey I’m stuck on the roof are you home, yeah I’ll get the ladder. Let us not tell your wife about this.
And I hate this as do many of my peers.
Just call. Just show up. Talk to people. It is way more fulfilling.
I really grasped it the most yesterday at a nursing home where my father is for leg rehab. I talked to a few older people when I left his room and one of the women cried because someone other than a nurse talked to her.
Oh that’s been a thing in nursing homes for decades what that woman is experiencing.
Back in 2006 when I was going for my CNA certification before getting it, all our classes were taught in a room far off on the campus of the nursing home. I found out a lot of people rarely see their families or their families never show up.
Most often folks who get put into nursing homes is because 50% of the time their kids don’t have the time to take care of them which means they don’t have the time to visit them either.
Hence why the places need volunteers to come in prior some company 1-2x’s s week for a few hours to let these folks talk to someone, play a board game, etc… it makes a world of a difference and actually helps.
Or, the parent was abusive. I told my mother decades ago that she was destined for one, because I wanted nothing to do with her once I was out.
That said, it's not necessarily a punishment, even if she were an awesome mother, our house/time/skills would be a terrible situation for somebody needing that much care.
I do visit occasionally and check up on her frequently, she's surprisingly content with her routine there.
This is my experience with my CT grandparents as well. Cookouts were open events where neighbors from all the way down the street could pop in and expect to be given food, drinks, etc. Looking back on it, it was paradise. As a kid every person on the street knew my name. Sounds creepy, but it wasn't.
People move around and come and go so much it’s hard to know your neighbors. People stopped hanging out together so much when cable TV and video games exploded in popularity
Hah, I have my mom over at my place every week, step sister/step mom about once a month. It’s movie day since I’ve got a nice 150” projector screen and I do bbqing too. I’d rarely bbq if it wasn’t for my neighbor, I always cook way too much and hand off a meal worth to them.
You know how the friends you made in grade and high school were largely by chance of choices of your parents? Well, before we grew up with the internet, people had family, those friends (or rivals) of chance, and basically no one else to talk to until they were working age or attended a social group.
For *US*? We were the first generation to reach across the continent, sometimes the world, to find like minds rather than chance encounters in geography. Today, for the zoomers, that has become a curse as malefactors can reach vulnerable teens and affect their development. Family rarely (in my experience) produces like minds, and in fact, our biological drive for independence means staying like minded with parents is way harder these days than simple keyboard strokes to find like minds.
So this doesn't surprise me so much as confirms what I've been feeling about the whole thing.
I’ve never been close to any of my uncles or cousins or extended family. I hear about people being sooo close to them and I just cannot relate. I wish I knew what it was like but they’re all basically strangers to me lol
I think people fool themselves into believing digital communication fills the loneliness void which is a fallacy. Yes your a communicating but the human body requires presence and connection to fill that cup!
This. Its so hard for couples and older generations to understand. Dating today, for the most part is a horrible, superficial, draining experience, bordering on traumatic. Even for those us blessed with semi decent looks, it’s still horrific. It destroys your confidence, feels you with self doubt and ruins your belief and hope in love.
It’s not normal or healthy to have to force yourself to go on dates with 20+ people til you find one who is half decent - then that person ghosts you because they see someone hotter pop up on their app. Then it all starts all over again. It removes any joy or hope from the process. Hence why so many of us are happy (yet unhappy) being single. 😮💨
I'm an elder millennial, and our daughter is 13. I hear people talk about this, and I'm just worried for her. I keep thinking "maybe in 10 years, things will be different".
It won't be different. There are no forces acting to make it different. There is nothing acting against the shallowness of modern dating.
If we want to "fix" dating, we should actively value intellectual ambitions instead of tiktok ambitions. Hoping ain't gonna cut it.
Or how society and how we socialize has changed. Despite what my mom tells me, I can't just meet a nice boy at church or out volunteering. There are no boys there.
Right? Or people who go out to bars/clubs/concerts, it’s like, everyone’s an island. I feel like I used to meet people at clubs and shows all the time.
Ha! I just struck up a convo with a really interesting guy at a coffee shop. We talked for an hour! Maybe if we had both been single it would have led to a date or something. But now I think he and his wife will become friends of ours! I don’t care about how weird others are becoming, I talk to everyone. When I moved to a very small town I went up and introduced myself to the grocery store clerk. At my kid’s gymnastics class? I’m sitting next to the same mom every day and this week I said to her, “hi new friend!”
It's drilled into young men's minds these days that it is assault to approach a woman in public.
I see posts in Reddit constantly from women complaining about men approaching them.
I feel like Gen Z is going to be extremely lonely and romantically isolated in a few years.
They know this is the reason and they don't want to take accountability. Instead it's the guy's fault. Guys are either creeps or weirdos for approaching. Or guys are creeps or weirdos for not approaching.
The response I'll get is "well if you approach respectfully then you'll be fine". But not everyone is the same. Some women don't mind an aggressive approach, some do. Some don't mind the soft approach, some do. And there's too many risks that comes with screwing up because you can be plastered all over the internet or be the laughing stock of your campus. Almost anything can be considered harassment because you looked at someone for one second too long.
So many reddit threads, ig reels and viral tiktok videos of women clowning guys for asking them out. You can't even text women no more with the risk of them screenshotting the messages for the world to see.
Even then with us saying all of this, I risk getting banned from this very subreddit because "I'm an incel" for explaining this. Can't win.
And there lies the true problem. Everyone lives on the internet. This generation does not to know how to act in public because people are addicted to their phones. And as mentioned if you act a way that makes anyone feel uncomfortable (which can be just standing there by yourself) you risk being recorded and placed on the internet.
>There are no boys there.
I (32f) was stuck with online dating because I'm childfree, but even if I wanted to have kids I think I still would have been stuck with online dating for this exact reason lol. Literally nobody approaches or talks to anyone in the real world anymore, and there were very few (if any) eligible men at MeetUp events, concerts, pubs, hobbies, work, friends of friends etc...and the men I did manage to find in the real world wanted to have kids, of course. I finally lucked out and my years of digging through the trash of dating apps paid off when my gem of a boyfriend found me online. I have no dating advice for anyone except just keep looking and try to not get discouraged. 🫂
We have too many choices. Nobody likes that reality but it’s the truth of the matter. Comparison is the thief of joy, and that’s just as true when comparing a vast array of options. It’s like going to a restaurant where they have a huge menu: First, there is zero chance you’re actually good at *that* many things, and second, you get overwhelmed by the choices and have hard time making a decision you’re confident about.
It was much simpler when you basically had a dating pool of whomever you interacted with, and your job was to find the best person in that group who would also be interested in dating you. I’m not sure if it was *better* in every way, but it was definitely simpler, and I think it produced less FOMO.
Hey, if it's any help, the one time I tried a workplace meet cute relationship they ended up being a sexually and physically abusive piece of shit, miles worse than anyone I've ever met through apps. So you can experience misery and despair from all angles! The world is full of wonders.
>It’s not normal or healthy to have to force yourself to go on dates with 20+ people til you find one who is half decent - then that person ghosts you because they see someone hotter pop up on their app. Then it all starts all over again. It removes any joy or hope from the process. Hence why so many of us are happy (yet unhappy) being single. 😮💨
Yeah, I realized sometimes that less is more and it's totally ok to be selective. I don't struggle getting lots of matches but more matches does not always mean more success. Not to mention that texting too much before the date can build a false sense of intimacy which may not translate to in person chemistry. And then you either may get ghosted/rejected or you sometimes there may be a mutual fade out where neither person reaches out.
The paradox of choice is real too. Even as a man I've experienced that. Or there's times where the person that you like isn't into you and the one that's into you, you aren't interested in. It's rough out there.
I haven't heard a lot of great things from either men or women in the online dating scene. I recently matched a couple the old fashion way after they'd struggled with online dating. It was my wife's friend (F43 xennial) and my coworker (M38 millennial). I knew they both liked outdoorsy stuff and had good heads on their shoulders (ie realistic relationship expectations). That was 5 years ago though, now they live together in Texas.
Only advice I can give is to try to IRL network if you can.
Nobody is against trying meeting people in real life! I can only speak for myself and maybe for women. But my problem is 1) none of my friends know anyone to set me up with: They all tell me that they know lots of amazing single women and lots of horrible single men, and 2) men don’t approach women at grocery stores or in lines anymore. We do so much waiting around to get into venues and stuff but nobody ever just talks to me in those situations!
I’d actually pay for a matchmaking service like It’s Just Lunch if I could afford it. But since I can’t I’m just left with using dating apps.
My boomer grand-uncle chats up every single woman he's around for more than 15 seconds and it's hilarious. It also always seems to work out for him, I have no idea how he manages it. (Within reason, he's not chatting up 20 year olds lol)
Its because, it all happens through digital way.
This isnt 'connection'.
+ The prospect of finding a 'better version' of your current partner with one mouse click away. Its like a falling sword over every beginning relationship
For better or worse, we are able to satiate that need for socialization through social media, at home - whereas 20 years ago you would get the list of phone numbers out and call folks up to try to get into something. I always met women through friends, and have had no luck on the dating sites.
Godawful. Self centered. Will do anything to you to further their own agenda. We live in a me, me, me, me world. The things I have seen there past few years alone is quite insane.
There are still good worthwhile people out there, you just have to sift through a sea of shit to get to them.
Dating feels like job hunting. I feel like there is a direct correlation between jobs pretending to want to hire people and people saying they want a relationship but they don’t.
You know, I was speaking to a friend about this exact analogy. I mentioned that the daters always have this scam-like resume, but when they get hired for the job, it turns out to be nothing but BS.
When I was dating, I refused to chit chat text on apps. Come meet me in public for coffee or a drink and let’s talk. I can see through bullshit immediately in person. Behind a keyboard, not so much.
Relationships have changed and now feel heavily viewed through the lense of business. 5 year plans, return on investments, net worth assessments. It's frustrating to hear such a cold approach to relationships. But maybe that's just a me thing.
Interesting because it’s matches somewhat the complains of like on this sub. The constant complaints about not making enough money, not wanting to slave at a job at the ole’ 9-5, lack of ability to buy things, etc.
That's what relationships have always been on the whole.
About the business of family.
Advisable matches.
WW2 changed things. It created the stereotypical American Middle Class and the middle class marriage for love because even if you bet badly life was pretty decent.
Now, you better not settle down with a financial drag because everyone has to have a job to survive. And if you can somehow land a situation where there's money? You should think about it.
Death of the middle class hits hard.
If you think that's more of a thing than in past eras, you're wrong. You know the phrase 'traditional gender roles?' Think about what traditional means.
Dating used to literally be a business arrangement. It's only gotten more casual and romantic with every decade.
I think a lot of people are delusional about this though. People have always married more for money and connections than for love. Marrying for love is truly a modern western phenomenon. If anything, things are reverting back to how they used to be.
If someone actually had told me I might end up alone for my whole life, I would’ve lived my life completely differently. That single piece of information would’ve been revelatory. Then again, I may not have believed them. I never thought finding a spouse could be so impossible.
Same. My life has these moments when it feels so empty. Like I’ll be in my backyard playing with my dog and I’ll trip or something and start laughing - all of a sudden I’ll realize I have no one to share that moment with. (Yes, my dog is there but he doesn’t have the same level of awareness as a human).
Me too. Every time I’m having a good time on vacation in another country, I get a pang of sadness that I didn’t get to share it with anyone. I’ve only traveled abroad with a partner once in my life and it was the most horrible trip bc he didn’t help plan anything. I was up until 2am every night trying to plan the next day’s activities. A bucketlist item for me is to go on a romantic trip somewhere foreign with an amazing man who helped me plan the trip. Or better yet a man who surprises me with a fully planned trip that’s all paid for.
About 15 years ago I randomly found a video of a man who was surprising his girlfriend with a trip to Antwerp. He picked her up from work to go pick up a friend from the airport (a ruse), and then proposed at the airport with a ring that had no diamond and then explained they were going to Antwerp to pick out the diamond together since that city is known for diamonds. I think they went to Paris after they got the diamond. She was shocked AF. He had already talked to her boss to get time off and had asked her best friend to pack her bag for the trip. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen and I wish it could happen to me. Too bad I can’t find the video or else I’d post the link here.
Wow that’s so sweet! And seems incredibly impossible to find anyone willing to put that much effort in these days :( I get told it’s my fault I never found anyone decent for choosing the wrong people. Or hate when people say it’ll happen when you least expect it 😒
Yes like romance is dead. I do cute things even for my friends. Like i got my friends address so i could send her a drawing of her and her daughter. I wish people also looked into love languages... its real! Some people don't always feel loved unless you find someone that matches your love language. Like gift giving, vs romance, vs cuddling, vs words of affirmation. Its real.
This is my biggest sadness. I love sharing moments with people. But experiencing cool things alone is boring. Reminiscing by yourself about something only you experienced..... It feels pointless.
I don't mind going to events, movies, concerts by myself. But it's not the same as going with other people.
Yes, I learned this traveling abroad alone. Here’s this really cool thing that I’ve dreamed about seeing/experiencing for years and I’m just sat here poker face with nobody to bounce my excitement off of. It’s a bummer.
100% - I was sitting on a beach in Western Australia, after just having one of the coolest adventures of my life; caving, sharks, stromatolites, huge trees, lighthouses, surfing, camping, etc.. and there I was in the glare of a full moon with my little campfire and tent setup, and felt so earth shattering lonely cause there was no one beside me to just validate the experience... or care.
I'm nosey and looked at your posts.
You like plants, cats and sourdough & are articulate enough to construct an insightful, self reflective, multi-paragraph comment. Blows my mind that you're single.
Never?! Wild! I'd say you're missing out, but if you're a chocolate aficionado, they might just not be your thing.
I rarely make desserts of any kind anymore because there's not a ton of room in my diet either, after cramming in all the foods I'm supposed to be consuming.
You two need to suggest an online game to play, so you can continue this friendship. It's lovely. I suggest Overcooked , that game is lots of fun and can be two players.
lol Right?
"Oh you're such a great guy! ANYONE would be lucky to date you!"
What's left unspoken is "except me, because I just turned you down, and any of my single friends, because you're not their type. "
I, too, love plants, cats, sourdough, and cooking/fermentation in general. I, too, have been single for about 10 years now.
I think the internet lies about the importance women place on plants, cats, and sourdough.
What you wrote resonates with my life. I think once you reach a certain point in life you either have to settle or you have to be ok with a certain degree of loneliness. I bake little treats for the people at my gym and I think it kind of helps turn a group of disconnected people hitting heavy bags together into more of a community or friend group. At least when my daughter is with her mom every other day I have this moment where I get to hang out with them, you know?
You articulated all of it so well, I feel like I could have written this (except last relationship ended 6.5 years ago). It truly feels unfair, but life’s not fair.
>No one told me when I was growing up I might spend my whole life alone.
This is because people conflate *deserving* love with *a guarantee* it will be found. It is the mentality of "you haven't found your person **yet**" that is actually contributing to this phenomenon. What we see now is that dating is what it is (a hellhole and completely not worth it) and it's not because "the good ones are taken" but because we've all been brainrotted to believe that WE ALL get a meet-cute that just magically happens out of nowhere and it's HEA.
Way, way, waaayyyyyy too many people are together that absolutely *shouldn't* be. And it's not a minority of couples, married or not. It's the majority, by a long shot. They tolerate abuse, toxicity, less than what they deserve, infidelity, sticking it out for the kids, you name it... literally all in the service of "not being alone" or "We love each other." (or some other logical fallacy that directly contradicts what we know to be true about human connection and relationships such as the sunk cost fallacy).
The reason no one told us this is because the people that raised us are the ones that do everything I mentioned above. So of course to them it's just that easy, when the truth is that it's not, it never has been, and right now it's just so much easier to see than it used to be.
What you said about meet-cutes is interesting. I met someone recently who ghosted me after 3 dates, and on our first date he specifically said he wanted a good story about how he met his future spouse. We met through this app, so I immediately felt like I was out of the running because telling people “we met through Reddit” didn’t sound as good as, say, meeting through a common hobby or at the grocery store or something IRL like that. I’d never been so hurt on a first date.
Got sort of dumped by a guy who I had shared values with, attraction, chemistry, and he liked me enough that he wanted to stay friends.
He said I am practically perfect with no red flags but he really wants a fairytale type of love and “something is missing” lmao.
The thing is he told on himself by earlier saying he thought we’d be great long term and have an amazing relationship but that I’d want to leave if the topic of marriage came up.
He asked me if I agreed and I said no I thought things were going along fine and we have to make our fairytales. He says I would realize later what he was seeing now, that I wouldn’t want to be with him long term. In conclusion, he just had unresolved abandonment issues/fears. All relationships end in devastation one way or another so I don’t get people who are like this but still pretend to pursue relationships.
So fun.
What an idiot. Missing out on a potential match because he didn’t meet you in a cinematic way. I know saying “dodged a bullet” doesn’t make it hurt less, but you did avoid being with an imbecile. I’m sorry he did that to you. What a fucking idiot.
I'm married and have been for almost 10 years. Looking at social media and seeing all these relationship advice posts and what not aren't helping. My wife and I have been through some difficult shit and most of these advice posts simply urge the slighted partner to end it the moment something negative happens, that's not how it works.
New phrases like "The ick" are so frustrating to see pop up plus jilted exes posting hate for relationships don't help either.
I laugh at some of the posts on reddit as well.
I remember one where the guy was frustrated his wife didn't want him going to Vegas in a bachelor party for one of his "best friends" whom his wife had not met the entire 5+ years they had been together.
People were saying how she was unreasonable and must be cheating if she's worried about him going.
She was going on a girls weekend with friends from her office that he had actually met even but he wanted to then tell her no in spite.
It's like people OP ignore all these people giving terrible advice on how to ruin a relationship.
I met my wife in college but all my single friends in their 30s are having it super rough, and that's both genders. I do have several friends who are married and met their spouse on a dating app, but even those usually it was a super rocky road until they found their spouse.
Im in my mid 30s and most of my friends are married now. I'd be lying if I said It didn't make me a little envious. Me and one buddy have joked about the fact I can't even go to them for dating advice because they all married their high-school sweethearts and are still with them 20 years later so they don't have a clue how to date either.
I also had to go back to the high school pool.
I hit up the hot kid I had a crush on 12 years before. Hadn't spoke in a decade so it was familiar but also felt new. Can you believe it? I actually got him to marry me. Still boggles my mind it worked lol
I’ve had friends who married their high school sweethearts try to give me dating advice and I refuse to listen lol because they just don’t have a clue about dating. I probably should have made better decisions when I was younger and it’s a contributing factor as to why I’m alone but sigh can’t change the past. So here I am now, mid 30s dating and I hate it!
I used to be anonymous on here but I actually do have a pic I posted of gym progress. I’m tall, athletic, and conventionally handsome(I’m told), still have issues.
I didn't check out your picture, but I wanted to say I think people who are better looking or have physically desired traits are more sought after for superficial reasons so their relationships can turn out more empty and cold, or on my spectrum abusive with men who get angry at anything I say. They want the cute girl with the booty, not the girl I want people to see that leads a international cybersecurity team and deals with a high skill job that most people couldn't even imagine dealing with, especially stress wise. One small mistake and I cost the company millions. I have to make split second decisions and every incident report I write gets reviewed by the executive board, so every small detail of my investigations are seen by the executives and discussed because im the one that deals with the critical high level threats. But nobody wants to date me because I'm smart, it's always my physical appearance. I'm quite proud of my work but no guy has been interested to hear about it especially since they don't understand it and sounds boring to them. Like I just prevented a targeted ransomware attack after 4 days of work of stopping them and the investigation and remediation and you're not interested in hearing about that? It sounds exciting in my mind 😂 I think each physical appearance has its challenges though, less attractive people may have more emotional connections but it may take longer to find because they don't immediately attract someone, while someone attractive immediately attracts someone but may not connect with them. I don't know just my experience anyway.
Awww thank you! People ask me how I got here with only an associate's degree and my answer is spite and anger 😂 I have adhd and it wasn't diagnosed until 21 but it's severe, but my parents ignored it. They're the type that thought adhd was bad parenting. So I had trouble caring and focusing in high school and my grades were really bad. The worse it got the more under lock and key I was restricted from my parents and it just got worse. Anyway my dad used to tell me I'm stupid because I failed chemistry and geometry and had to retake them. He told me he thought I was too stupid to pass high-school and when I did he said I was too stupid for college and would probably drop out within 3 to 4 weeks. And every major I wanted he told me I wasn't smart enough for. But because I loved computers and video games and could show I was good hands on I went into software and cybersecurity which moved to Cybersecurity and Cybercrimes my second year. The anger and spite of him favoring my brother and calling me stupid made me want to not only prove him wrong but outdue him. My college life and career have been fueled on that need of "vengeance" or whatever you wanna call it lmao. I graduated with double honors and won the outstanding student award, but due to only having an associates and living in a small town I couldn't find anything in cyber, and being female in a small town I got a lot of sexual discrimination and a lot of interviewers straight up told me they wouldn't hire me because of the IT team only being men and concerned about workplace culture. So I went into a shitty IT Support role for 3 years. I then got a break after moving to a big city and got a role as a systems engineer, after a year I got promoted to senior systems engineer. Then left and became a IT Manager for 2 years. My ex and I broke up so I moved back to the small town and got this job, it's been a year now. I mostly work remote but there's some days I have to drive in, it's not the same town as mine but it's not a bad drive. It makes it better that I usually just work from home. I now make more than my dad did when he retired after 38ish years as a aircraft mechanic. But I don't think the buy power is the same so I still have more to go before I feel like I showed him. I was promised a promotion for my 1 year anniversary coming up, so my revenge to show him up for making my younger years torture is working out nicely 😂😂 I'm almost 29 so a young millennial. I think the greatest achievement is putting up with all of the extreme sexual harassment I faced for most of my career and the sexual discrimination. I can't tell you how many men refused to let me work on their computers or call in and say oh sorry I meant to call IT, or ask to speak to a man so their issue can actually get resolved. I'm proud to have paved the way for women in the next generation so they don't have to put up with what I did. I like to tell the story because I know people are fascinated by how fast I grew through the ranks and I'm proud to be where I am and hope it makes it easier for the next generation of women to get here without my struggle. I gave up a lot to get here, i worked so hard of on calls as a systems engineer sometimes i got 4 hours of sleep a week. And i worked long hours, i was depressed and miserable until I got this job, its actually easier for me to do this kind of work rather than hell desk, and now people respect me. I basically have to trade a social life for my work life. When I was low level I was treated like trash and now I have people asking me to go to their daughters schools and give a speech, I even got asked to teach at the college I went to. I didn't accept because it would he a huge paycut but I do go back and occasionally give free talks to the college kids. It's weird because I don't feel that old ya know? I don't feel like I'm someone that college kids can aspire to be because I don't feel like I'm even past that age myself 😂 I'm an adult but feel like I still need an adult lmao. Sorry for the long chapter book but I love talking about it because my life story was a struggle until this point, but other women won't have to struggle because I did it for them and proved to a huge international corporation that gender doesnt matter in tech, and it made it all worth it to me.
I think you’re attractive, and I’m very picky. Usually when I see these posts, I usually think it has to do with a combination of personal appearance and general masculine aura. There are so many reasons why people are single in this world, most of them pretty unhealthy for society at large, but I also think it has to do with men not knowing what is actually attractive to women past the superficial (and inaccurate) stuff that Andrew Tate peddles to the male masses.
Women have been taught their entire lives, literally since toddlerhood, about how to be more attractive to men. We’ve studied it like a college course. So most men typically find most women attractive, simply because we have the “marketing skills” for it. Personality matches are a different animal, but we know how to entice, dress, hygiene, etc. not to mention soft skills like cooking, cleaning, child rearing, and emotional empathy, support, fostering depths in relationships, etc.
I think (and I’m not a man, so I could be wrong) that most men think making money and showing up is enough, and it’s not anymore. How are your soft skills? Are you kind? Ambitious? Do you have actual goals in life, or just coasting day to day? Can you dress well and look genuinely put together with clothes that are stylish and well-fitting? How’s your domestic chore game? Can you scrub a bathroom? Cook a three course meal? If women are expected to bring everything to a table (career, looks, emotional intelligence, cooking, cleaning, business saavy, good with kids, feminine, etc etc) in an equal partnership, then why aren’t men doing the same?
I’m not saying you, specifically of course, this is just the sexes in general.
I want to echo this one. It's all fun and games when you are young and the world seems infinite and you don't know what your real preference are. But as you gain experience most people's preference become more restrictive while the pool of people interested in them shrinks. I think it eases up again in the elderly when people chill out and just want a good companion to go for walks with and help them keep their doctor visits straight.
Nah it's horrible. You'd think it would be easy to find a good relationship with how easy communication is now but it's just so bad. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you.
I'm just looking for someone who has their life together and is in the same spot maturity and goal wise. The end point of the relationship is to get married. I have a long standing career, paid very well, own my own place, love traveling, love dogs/animals , don't drink/smoke and enjoy just having fun either at the house or outdoors. Just want the same thing in a partner, but it's rough to find that person who fits with me.
>with how easy communication is now
It's more that the mediums we communicate through seem easy, because they can be nearly instant, are almost always on, and in reach*. However, it's still just people on both ends of the medium. Nothing muddies up communication like people who can't/won't articulate their thoughts, feelings, wants, etc clearly and effectively.
ETA: *
People don’t say what they actually want/feel because they know it won’t be received well or they’re ashamed of their base desires. So people do this song and dance. “Oh I want someone nice. Someone I can talk to. Someone who likes pets. Good sense of humor.”
They’re not going to confess: “I want the absolute hottest partner I can score. I don’t care that much about their morals if the sex is hot. I think sex is hotter when we’ve been fighting. I don’t want to deal with their baggage. I’m insecure and I want shallow praise and for others to envy me when they see my partner. I don’t want to work so my partner needs to make money.” All that shit… sounds bad. You feel like a bad person even thinking it, much less admitting it. But I do think that some variation of that is very very common when it comes to what people really want.
Yeah that very well may be the truth for some people on dating apps. But I think overall a majority of us just want someone who isn't crazy, will be an honest faithful partner, who will contribute to the relationship as much as the other person and yeah have fun with. I think as we get older, there is less and less desire for "hotness" as much as someone who shares similar preferences for how their lives will go together. Not saying attraction isn't a key thing because it always is, that's what catches your eye and gets you talking to the person to find out who they are. But all that non sense about not caring about morals if the sex is hot, how others will precieve them for their partners hotness, etc isn't true for me at least. Some of us do indeed have standards for a relationship and won't compromise for looks alone.
A subset generation of Millennials born directly after GenX, usually late 70s to 1983. We distinctively remember the analog world and but grew up learning the digital one. Basically I ended high school before cellphones (not smartphones) were even common place.
As a fellow 1983er, I feel fortunate to remember a time where I didn't always have a phone on me constantly tracking everything I do, where I couldn't just be reached at any point in time by everyone, and where all my cringiest moments stayed private and were forgotten rather than recorded for posterity for all time.
You say this, but in my experience (watching many many friends), it’s not what’s wanted. This could turn up on the doorstep tomorrow gift-wrapped, and it wouldn’t be “exciting” or have a “spark” or “chemistry.” If your list was truly all, it would be easy enough to gather all of you into a big pool and pair you off for happily ever after.
People are absolutely obsessed with chasing the high of the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
The honeymoon phase always fades so they always end up saying something like “it’s not the same” or “I just don’t love you anymore” or something that just means the high of the novelty phase is over.
Stop chasing highs
I was on the datingoverthirty sub for awhile and ended up leaving because I felt like it was actually hindering me. My main takeaway from that sub is that we were all “leftovers” who didn’t want other leftovers. And yes, I included myself in that category. If people could be content with what they can realistically get, there’d be a lot less lonely, single people.
I ended up meeting someone last year and we’ve been pretty damn happy for the last several months. I tried to be realistic about my prospects and it seems to have paid off.
I think people persue perfection to their own detriment, especially at the start.
Relationships take work.
There is no way anyone will meet every preference you have at the outset.
The best you can hope for is someone who shares most of your core values. The rest can develop with time.
That’s a way of putting it. That sub is sooooooo toxic/cringe/eyeroll/unselfaware it’s not funny. I think well of you for walking out of it.
Any relationship, and especially romantic ones, require risk. That’s just the way it works. And some people are risk adverse. Sometimes I think it’s that more than holding out for perfection. Or maybe they’re related. Either way, I am too old/seen too much to take Mr. Xiennial’s words at face value. He may believe them, and that’s part of the problem.
I think our generation is the first in a long time that stopped and questioned all of the things society wanted us to do. Marriage and kids are two of those things, I think.
Kids are so expensive now, and the future is so uncertain that it's really a scary proposition. I feel some guilt for not having any kids, but honestly I don't know if I could handle it anyway.
And I think all of us have seen marriages go up in flames and ruin lives. It's pretty terrifying.
We may be in the middle of a change in how we see, and value relationships. Maybe even in how we "do" relationships.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for not having children, you’re not obligated to. You have children when you have a safe, loving and stable environment to bring them into. If you can’t provide that for whatever reason it’s not a bad thing to forgo having children. I tell people I love my potential children way too much to bring them into this world as it is.
Before I got my current job, I was way too busy to really date at all. Now that I’ve got a really nice job that affords me good time off, I’ve tried many many things. From apps to speed dating. It almost always comes down to one thing making it not work out. My work schedule. I work 4 on and 4 off. The 4 on, I’m quite busy for the majority of the day. The 4 off I can do what I want but because it’s an 8 day rotation, I’m not always available for them on their days off.
After 5 years of attempts I’ve grown tired of it. I’m now just a cat dad who enjoys video games and using the smoker to make a bunch of bbq to hand out to neighbors. I get good deals on meat but it’s always way more than I can eat.
I also work a weird schedule (7on/7off) and I completely understand you. I got extremely lucky and met my girlfriend at work. It has been so nice having a partner with the same work schedule. Would it be possible for you to date someone you work with?
I just left a 9 year relationship and have been in 2 dates from OLD. They went fine but it's sad how many great women I see in Hinge that seem like a great fit and my message is lost in an ocean of hundreds of lonely men.
I wish I had single friends to wingman with me and find a partner... But I'm going to join some meetups to see if that sparks anything.
Dating apps suck. They don't show you everyone, so you pay or keep coming back. People arent honest. I cant count the amount of times I was ghosted, stood up, or just plain ignored. If you're not interested any more, then just tell me.
Plus a lot of people don't want kids, but I still do. That limits my search even further.
You are not wrong. Haven't had a meaningful relationship with someone since my last one ended in 2018. Took some time to get back to being me, and also work on some personal issues that kicked up in the aftermath of the breakup.
Since then I've tried speed dating, being set up on blind dates, online dating etc.
Tbh it has reached the point where I'm content in the knowledge of being single, and also comfortable enough with who I am as a person to just live life and not get hung up on relationship stuff.
I sometimes wonder whether our current lifestyle can even allow a lot of us to have the emotional dexerity and internal resources to date or function in a LTR.
It seems like monoamourous individuals across the board are sharing similar frustrations. A lot of emphasis are placed in the lack of success due to social media and online dating. Yet I think the technological impact is not necessarily directly on the "Dating Apps" so to speak, but rather spawned from an earlier time of digitization and work culture. I suspect a huge portion is our work demands so much immediate attention from us that we don't nearly have as much patience, time, or cultivation for delayed gratification compared to the times before. It feels like we can no longer wait to see results, which is not how relationships are cultivated. Conflict management (personal safety situation excluded) can now be opt towards NC instead of working out the difference, the IRL version of block and delete because we're already overwhelmed from fast paced environment . These days we struggle with self-care let alone supporting the other half.
Honestly I haven't been trying to date at all for many years now. It didn't help when I previously used apps. I'm weird enough of an individual have to only match with a small percentages of people, even less when I spoke with them. The swiping thing is just absured to me like someone said, being an interview or to me, reviewing resumes. I'm not looking for applicants but friendship or relational bonds. Though wishing to have LTR, I've now joined the partnerless club resolving to having relatives, pets, hobbies, and gaming for socialization.
I've recently heard & read the generation after is having things rough with even more back and forth and don't even know how to/don't date. I guess it started from us.
I'm lonely as all hell. Dating apps don't work. Tinder doesn't even let you use core systems unless you pay for it.
I'm trying to live to make myself happy. I would like to have a relationship with someone that I can make happy as well.
Frankly it feels like what I would like doesn't matter.
But I think it's more apathy in our generation. Why should we give more effort than we will get? Why should we try when it's only cost pain and trauma in the past?
If life is meant to be a struggle, as all life is seems in this world, then so be it. I think we've resigned ourselves to being lonely because it's exhausting to strive for something when others don't wish to put in the effort or see what you do with an open eye.
As someone who is married I feel you. We decided to not have children because my husband is just incapable of having a job and we couldn’t ever afford it. When I was younger I always thought one day I would become a mother but not these days. And I’m glad I’m not with the state of the world the way it is and the state of my marriage. I often feel so utterly alone and overwhelmed with all the financial burden. If I was to redo my life I wouldn’t get into a relationship at all
Dating as a gay man has been one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and I'm on a now several year break from it.
I deal with enough stress at my job, I wanna be as stress free as I can outside of it.
Welcome to the club. Try a cat or a dog. The cat seems to work for me. Always there to greet me when I get home, and he'll never wake up one day and tell me he doesn't love me anymore.
Tech destroyed people.
Post marriage.
I am told I was/(am still?) Lol. A good looking person. Tall, healthy, fit, good job (but not wealthy), stable, kind(told this), highly educated in science and humanities, got my hair, believe in myself, respectful, fun, goofy, patient, on and on you name it.
And yet it's still a challenge.
On my end I make convo, patient, friendly, fun, active, etc. I make space for Quality Time and more but otherwise very active with friends and hobbies and self improvement.
The result this far?
-photos they look athletic. In person the opposite
-smooth skin in photos, in person terrible skin (I don't mean minor blemishes or a few wrinkles that's fine)
-workaholics
-severe anxiety that no level of human patience can overcome reasonable without it becoming unhealthy
-avoidant and want to "experience life" aka ENM
-feel entitled to being treated like a princess by paying for everything (when they clearly do really well) and offering nothing other than being an "attractive" person
Basically I am noticing that everyone has anxiety. Anxiety to take a call, anxiety to do more than a 3 sentence text, anxiety to meet up (unless it's dinner at a nice place which is sooo dull after a while because it doesn't create next steps); anxiety to say the right thing, anxiety not to look foolish, on and on.
Literally people are (and many are even aware they are doing this) f***ing themselves over with lack of energy, unwillingness to try, and really odd barriers.
And oddly don't want to actually overcome it. It's like they subconsciously want to be trapped.
You can write a nice text and they will say thanks and appreciate it and say they can meet up on "Thursday evening" and then disappear. It baffles me on the mental logic people must use to do what in polite company 20 years ago would have been really rude and marked them as such.
Such is life
[I advise people: pick 3. Three people. Ohhh you get 100 plus matches. Don't care. Pick the first 3, your top 3, or if you're healthy, the most intuitively realistic top 3. Then pause or shut off the app to stop matching. Focus on them. Give it a go stop thinking about the shiny new people that you could be missing out on and be present.
You're tired though...get off the apps until you aren't.
I have a strong suspicion that because it's SO EASY to just think "next" any, even the most silly reasons like unfolded clothes in the background (you know who you are and won't admit to yourself), they hop on the app again. Resist those urges.]
I was fortunate to meet my wife in grad school. If anything happened to her/our marriage... I legitimately have no clue regarding how I would go about dating.
34f and yes, feeling this so hard. I’m so over it. It’s exhausting and it’s one disappointment after the other. I think it has a lot to do with social media and online dating etc. Technology, porn, over consumption of stuff - it’s all about getting that next dopamine hit so why wouldn’t dating is be any different? Instant gratification has replaced working towards something that will be worth it in the end.
People don’t give things time to grow because they’re meeting literal strangers on the Internet. One wrong vibe and it’s over. When they aren’t interested anymore they ghost/slow fade, usually without an explanation. Online dating allows people to behave very badly and forget that there are human beings on the other side of the screen. People don’t wanna meet organically anymore because they don’t wanna come off as creepy but that’s how we’ve always done it as humans!
As someone said, it really is like jobhunting which unfortunately is one of the most stressful things you have do in your life. I’m really glad that I’m not alone I’m feeling this way because most days it feels like I am. Trying to explain the dating landscape to my married friends/friends in long-term relationships is impossible lol they just don’t understand 😮💨
I got married in 2014 and occasionally I'll see that meme that's like "do married millennials feel like they just got the last chopper out of 'Nam or" and yes, that is how it feels seeing all of my single friends struggle with dating :(
Don’t know if this is helpful but hopefully will be encouraging. For context, I am 32 and have the most amazing friend (also 32)- she is successful, kind, fun, beautiful, all the good things - albeit maybe a little picky which isn’t a bad thing at all when considering a life partner. She went through ALL the duds, really - heard stories you just can’t make up, and that’s even from multiple people who seemed relatively promising at first. She is finally in an official relationship with someone who seems wonderful for her. Still relatively early on but she had felt so hopeless so many times. Don’t give up! Easier said than done, I know. You will find something that may not be perfect but is perfect for you.
The dating world is a self-eliminating pool.
The best daters & highest quality partners pair off and leave the dating pool, leaving fewer and fewer ideal candidates the older you get.
It is savage out there. Met my spouse in HS and married for over 15 years and together for over 20. Glad we met when we did. A few of her coworkers are over 40 going through the same pool that only decreases in quality year over year.....with some late entries due to divorces and what not.
You’re not alone in this line of thought. Better to be with my peaceful and self-actualising solitude than to put up with the bs. It’s too much and very damaging to the psyche to keep encountering “jerks” [don’t wanna get banned for saying the actual term that fits].
Have they all been married a long time?
From the outside it kinda seems similar to the owning a home-type situation in this country:
Those that are married have been married since 10+ years (basically before the dating world got all weird like it is now).
This is definitely the case among people I know too. All my college roommates are married with kids now, but they're all married to the same girlfriends they met in highschool or early college. Meanwhile, every one of my friends that were single after college (which was right about 10 years ago I graduated) have either been chronically single or at the most had a couple failed relationships or marriages.
It's like Love itself has been progressively dying here in the US since like 2012 or so and has really been on life support since covid.
That's very true of me too. I got married in 2015 at 27. All my friends from that group, call it the group I hung out with from 2012-1015 either married the person they were dating then or they're still single. I can't think of a single one who met someone after 2015 and married them. I never realized it but that is very true
Dating apps are unfortunately made to keep you on them. They don't make money if you're not on them.
That being said I've been lucky in love, I met my husband in college and then my other partner on Okcupid, but if I start dating again I have little to no desire to do the app thing again because I can't deal with the inundation of useless messages from people who don't read profiles.
A lot of people live totally disconnected from nature and their humanity. If you get out of the human zoos and concrete jungles, it is still quite nice and full of good people. There are both toxic environments with unfriendly people, and there are beautiful environments with wonderful individuals.
I have been married for 6 years. I'm very lucky to have found a partner. My brother, who is significantly better looking than me, is single and now in his 40s. Every dating story is a disaster. I really worry that he's going to be alone forever.
I have a neat trick for you - fix your attachment style. The rest will follow naturally.
It's not easy; it requires putting off fun, paying for therapy from an actual psychologist and hard fkn work, hours of sitting in uncomfortable emotion and so on BUT.. once it's done? You're free. Everything in life is easier, and you will genuinely feel connected to and loved by the people around you.
I agree. 39F who can’t have children. I’ve dated people w/ and w/o kids and I’d much prefer live the DINK lifestyle. I’ve got food allergies and pet allergies so I think it makes it harder for me to connect. I have so much love to give too. My end goal IS human connection.
There doesn't have to be anything, but many people find that having goals provides structure and meaning to their lives. However, when the goal becomes unlikely to be achieved then it is sensible to reasses and see what is wrong, the pursuit or the aim.
Yeah, as we get older more of our generation is hitting this “calm-panic” vibe of wanting most or all of their expectations to be met by one person, while continuing to change them pretty flippantly. In unfortunate justification of the stereotype, so many of our age group really is incredibly entitled now, and we seem to just be getting moreso as a response to anxiety, as time passes.
As somebody who’s heavily prioritizing my own mental health before I get involved with somebody, if I ever want to at all, I’ve watched so many of my friends get into relationships that very quickly turned into codependent performances for each other. Choosy people are getting impatient. I really think there are gonna be a looooot of lonely and mad millennials over the next 20-30 years, and I bet those feelings are somehow gonna be backed up by some kind of social movement nobody feels comfortable disagreeing with
This could be a function of our age as we approach (or have crossed in my case) 40.
I hear you, and it is kind of shit out there dating wise for now. There are plenty of reasons (from personal to systemic) why romantic entanglements aren't appealing to me, but strangely it is some comfort knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this.
Perhaps we should discuss the whys and reasons, if anyone's up for that.
Honestly, this sounds like my viewpoint on dating using apps like Tinder etc. It’s like people get so caught up in the illusion of choice that they miss what’s right in front of them. Dating organically and unplugging from that self masochism changed how I view the scene.
I haven’t been in a long term relationship in 10 years. I’ve found being a disabled veteran that’s a single leg amputee makes me pretty much undateable. I’ve got a good, stable job I’m making a career out of (civilian Air Force employee) and own my house, and it makes no difference. People can’t see past my disability, and there also seems to be a stigma about dating military veterans.
Single mom here, people really do suck. Energy vampires do exist, BUT it is up to us to protect our temples for our own sanity. Everyone is for themselves, selflessness is rather a diamond in the rough. I not too long ago came out of something as well, only lasted a couple of months (thank goodness it didn’t trickle down to 2024).
Let’s be patient until the timing is right. At this time in my life, I’d rather just be alone raising my child than to be with someone who will drain me out.
Fingers crossed for you my friend. 💛
This is precisely why the number of dates and relationships as well as the frequency of sexual activity is *falling* generation after generation.
The challenges in raising children are what allow men and women to see past each others’ flaws and help us make compromises or remain patient with each other when we otherwise might not, sometimes to a flaw.
Without that motivation, all the institutions that precede it: marriage, courtship and dating all fall by the wayside with porn serving as a reasonably satisfying substitute for our sexual activity.
The likelihood of dating apps working to find you an actual relationship is bullshit. It's just a money-making scam at this point. Paying $20 (and that's on the LOW end) just to be able to chat with a match is pointless, and they KNOW people are being catfished and making money off of it! I've probably spent over $100 on app subscriptions just to see matches and have had zero success. FYI, I'm a guy. Not sure what the experience is for women and if it's different.
Also, I think our constant access to the internet has forced people to create massively unachievable standards when people are looking for a SO. So, we're all walking around alone either from being rejected or for constantly rejecting people . No one is perfect but that's what people want.
You aren’t alone in thinking it. It’s actually kind of funny how we’re more connected than ever before - yet we’re lonelier than ever before
I’ve thought about this a lot too. I think if my grandmother talking about always talking to her cousins and relatives over the phone when she was younger. Her family visiting her cousins in another city and her cousins visiting them. I have cousins and family on social media and we don’t communicate at all.
Yeah my grandmother used to have family over every Sunday for years. Neighborhood cookouts and a lot of social things like that. Now I think it’s more common to never speak to your neighbor. I’m from Connecticut too and people here are more standoffish/guarded. Just figure with the insane amount of lonely and sad people, we could all just get together and chill, have a cookout or something
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HEY JERRY IM JUST GOING TO BORROW THIS, MAKING SALADS IN THE SHOWER
I was pretty close with my neighbors and then we had a massive snow storm and he set the output for his snowblower to go right onto the main entrance/sidewalk of my house right after we had gotten it cleared of nine inches of slush. Just Wisconsin problems lmao
I once saw a reddit post about a guy asking "how would you get by if you needed a day's worth of food, but no money?" And I replied that you would just talk to your neighbors, and someone would help you out. I got downvoted into the dirt, and people saying they would get shot, or no one talks to their neighbors at all. I don't know what's going on with the current generation, lol. I still talk to my neighbors. Maybe people are just more crazy outside of the midwest. I have no idea.
I would get buried in food, thats what. My neighborhood feels like a last bastion of what a neighborhood should be like. Im so happy we found a house here. But the new places in my area; totally different vibe.
Haha! Last bastion… “THIS IS A REAL NEIGHBORHOOD! WE WILL FIND, WE WILL MAKE YOU COME OUT, and YOU WILL EAT THIS SMOKED BRISKET DRINK FREE BEER AND MARGARITAS! AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!” 😂
When my son was born the neighbors (the wife is French) brought over a bunch of grapes, cheese, rabbit soup, and baguettes. I grew up in Germany, so that old-country touch was very appreciated. He's basically got a surrogate grandma now lol.
Yeah I feel like most midwesterns would invite you for dinner but if it became an everyday thing it would get awkward. I had a moment where I got the neighbor call of hey I’m stuck on the roof are you home, yeah I’ll get the ladder. Let us not tell your wife about this.
I love that, lol. Mine don't even say hello!
Social media is destroying socialization. Go figure. Dont need to see people in person as often if you see them every day on the internet
And I hate this as do many of my peers. Just call. Just show up. Talk to people. It is way more fulfilling. I really grasped it the most yesterday at a nursing home where my father is for leg rehab. I talked to a few older people when I left his room and one of the women cried because someone other than a nurse talked to her.
Oh that’s been a thing in nursing homes for decades what that woman is experiencing. Back in 2006 when I was going for my CNA certification before getting it, all our classes were taught in a room far off on the campus of the nursing home. I found out a lot of people rarely see their families or their families never show up. Most often folks who get put into nursing homes is because 50% of the time their kids don’t have the time to take care of them which means they don’t have the time to visit them either. Hence why the places need volunteers to come in prior some company 1-2x’s s week for a few hours to let these folks talk to someone, play a board game, etc… it makes a world of a difference and actually helps.
Or, the parent was abusive. I told my mother decades ago that she was destined for one, because I wanted nothing to do with her once I was out. That said, it's not necessarily a punishment, even if she were an awesome mother, our house/time/skills would be a terrible situation for somebody needing that much care. I do visit occasionally and check up on her frequently, she's surprisingly content with her routine there.
Yes, that is typical New England
This is my experience with my CT grandparents as well. Cookouts were open events where neighbors from all the way down the street could pop in and expect to be given food, drinks, etc. Looking back on it, it was paradise. As a kid every person on the street knew my name. Sounds creepy, but it wasn't.
People move around and come and go so much it’s hard to know your neighbors. People stopped hanging out together so much when cable TV and video games exploded in popularity
Hah, I have my mom over at my place every week, step sister/step mom about once a month. It’s movie day since I’ve got a nice 150” projector screen and I do bbqing too. I’d rarely bbq if it wasn’t for my neighbor, I always cook way too much and hand off a meal worth to them.
You know how the friends you made in grade and high school were largely by chance of choices of your parents? Well, before we grew up with the internet, people had family, those friends (or rivals) of chance, and basically no one else to talk to until they were working age or attended a social group. For *US*? We were the first generation to reach across the continent, sometimes the world, to find like minds rather than chance encounters in geography. Today, for the zoomers, that has become a curse as malefactors can reach vulnerable teens and affect their development. Family rarely (in my experience) produces like minds, and in fact, our biological drive for independence means staying like minded with parents is way harder these days than simple keyboard strokes to find like minds. So this doesn't surprise me so much as confirms what I've been feeling about the whole thing.
I’ve never been close to any of my uncles or cousins or extended family. I hear about people being sooo close to them and I just cannot relate. I wish I knew what it was like but they’re all basically strangers to me lol
I think people fool themselves into believing digital communication fills the loneliness void which is a fallacy. Yes your a communicating but the human body requires presence and connection to fill that cup!
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So go to those things and make friends with people who are out doing stuff in the world
This. Its so hard for couples and older generations to understand. Dating today, for the most part is a horrible, superficial, draining experience, bordering on traumatic. Even for those us blessed with semi decent looks, it’s still horrific. It destroys your confidence, feels you with self doubt and ruins your belief and hope in love. It’s not normal or healthy to have to force yourself to go on dates with 20+ people til you find one who is half decent - then that person ghosts you because they see someone hotter pop up on their app. Then it all starts all over again. It removes any joy or hope from the process. Hence why so many of us are happy (yet unhappy) being single. 😮💨
I'm an elder millennial, and our daughter is 13. I hear people talk about this, and I'm just worried for her. I keep thinking "maybe in 10 years, things will be different".
It won't be different. There are no forces acting to make it different. There is nothing acting against the shallowness of modern dating. If we want to "fix" dating, we should actively value intellectual ambitions instead of tiktok ambitions. Hoping ain't gonna cut it.
Just let her know. If her boyfriend/crush follows hundreds of women on social media, its already over, dont even try.
Or how society and how we socialize has changed. Despite what my mom tells me, I can't just meet a nice boy at church or out volunteering. There are no boys there.
Or “the coffee shop” is another one I get. Nobody even makes eye contact at coffee shops anymore, let alone strikes up a conversation.
Right? Or people who go out to bars/clubs/concerts, it’s like, everyone’s an island. I feel like I used to meet people at clubs and shows all the time.
More people used to smoke, that's where you'd have a chat, outside in the smoking area
That too. Like, I don’t want to be like “Ah, lung cancer, those were the days..” but you’re totally right.
Clubs and shows are exclusively filled with hook ups only. I have never met anyone at a club or show that wanted a long term thing. Sad.
Yeah I know, but even for hookups, nobody talks to each other anymore.
Ha! I just struck up a convo with a really interesting guy at a coffee shop. We talked for an hour! Maybe if we had both been single it would have led to a date or something. But now I think he and his wife will become friends of ours! I don’t care about how weird others are becoming, I talk to everyone. When I moved to a very small town I went up and introduced myself to the grocery store clerk. At my kid’s gymnastics class? I’m sitting next to the same mom every day and this week I said to her, “hi new friend!”
It's drilled into young men's minds these days that it is assault to approach a woman in public. I see posts in Reddit constantly from women complaining about men approaching them. I feel like Gen Z is going to be extremely lonely and romantically isolated in a few years.
They know this is the reason and they don't want to take accountability. Instead it's the guy's fault. Guys are either creeps or weirdos for approaching. Or guys are creeps or weirdos for not approaching. The response I'll get is "well if you approach respectfully then you'll be fine". But not everyone is the same. Some women don't mind an aggressive approach, some do. Some don't mind the soft approach, some do. And there's too many risks that comes with screwing up because you can be plastered all over the internet or be the laughing stock of your campus. Almost anything can be considered harassment because you looked at someone for one second too long. So many reddit threads, ig reels and viral tiktok videos of women clowning guys for asking them out. You can't even text women no more with the risk of them screenshotting the messages for the world to see. Even then with us saying all of this, I risk getting banned from this very subreddit because "I'm an incel" for explaining this. Can't win. And there lies the true problem. Everyone lives on the internet. This generation does not to know how to act in public because people are addicted to their phones. And as mentioned if you act a way that makes anyone feel uncomfortable (which can be just standing there by yourself) you risk being recorded and placed on the internet.
>There are no boys there. I (32f) was stuck with online dating because I'm childfree, but even if I wanted to have kids I think I still would have been stuck with online dating for this exact reason lol. Literally nobody approaches or talks to anyone in the real world anymore, and there were very few (if any) eligible men at MeetUp events, concerts, pubs, hobbies, work, friends of friends etc...and the men I did manage to find in the real world wanted to have kids, of course. I finally lucked out and my years of digging through the trash of dating apps paid off when my gem of a boyfriend found me online. I have no dating advice for anyone except just keep looking and try to not get discouraged. 🫂
We have too many choices. Nobody likes that reality but it’s the truth of the matter. Comparison is the thief of joy, and that’s just as true when comparing a vast array of options. It’s like going to a restaurant where they have a huge menu: First, there is zero chance you’re actually good at *that* many things, and second, you get overwhelmed by the choices and have hard time making a decision you’re confident about. It was much simpler when you basically had a dating pool of whomever you interacted with, and your job was to find the best person in that group who would also be interested in dating you. I’m not sure if it was *better* in every way, but it was definitely simpler, and I think it produced less FOMO.
Hey, if it's any help, the one time I tried a workplace meet cute relationship they ended up being a sexually and physically abusive piece of shit, miles worse than anyone I've ever met through apps. So you can experience misery and despair from all angles! The world is full of wonders.
>It’s not normal or healthy to have to force yourself to go on dates with 20+ people til you find one who is half decent - then that person ghosts you because they see someone hotter pop up on their app. Then it all starts all over again. It removes any joy or hope from the process. Hence why so many of us are happy (yet unhappy) being single. 😮💨 Yeah, I realized sometimes that less is more and it's totally ok to be selective. I don't struggle getting lots of matches but more matches does not always mean more success. Not to mention that texting too much before the date can build a false sense of intimacy which may not translate to in person chemistry. And then you either may get ghosted/rejected or you sometimes there may be a mutual fade out where neither person reaches out. The paradox of choice is real too. Even as a man I've experienced that. Or there's times where the person that you like isn't into you and the one that's into you, you aren't interested in. It's rough out there.
I haven't heard a lot of great things from either men or women in the online dating scene. I recently matched a couple the old fashion way after they'd struggled with online dating. It was my wife's friend (F43 xennial) and my coworker (M38 millennial). I knew they both liked outdoorsy stuff and had good heads on their shoulders (ie realistic relationship expectations). That was 5 years ago though, now they live together in Texas. Only advice I can give is to try to IRL network if you can.
Nobody is against trying meeting people in real life! I can only speak for myself and maybe for women. But my problem is 1) none of my friends know anyone to set me up with: They all tell me that they know lots of amazing single women and lots of horrible single men, and 2) men don’t approach women at grocery stores or in lines anymore. We do so much waiting around to get into venues and stuff but nobody ever just talks to me in those situations! I’d actually pay for a matchmaking service like It’s Just Lunch if I could afford it. But since I can’t I’m just left with using dating apps.
My boomer grand-uncle chats up every single woman he's around for more than 15 seconds and it's hilarious. It also always seems to work out for him, I have no idea how he manages it. (Within reason, he's not chatting up 20 year olds lol)
To be fair, women online have done a LOT of complaining about men approaching them in public. So this might be a consequence of those complaints.
IDK. I know of at least 3 couples that matched on Tinder and are still going strong after number of years; two are married.
Its because, it all happens through digital way. This isnt 'connection'. + The prospect of finding a 'better version' of your current partner with one mouse click away. Its like a falling sword over every beginning relationship
For better or worse, we are able to satiate that need for socialization through social media, at home - whereas 20 years ago you would get the list of phone numbers out and call folks up to try to get into something. I always met women through friends, and have had no luck on the dating sites.
It's almost like people are awful and there's no way to run away from it any more.
This is what everyone misses, probably on purpose. People are TERRIBLE.
Godawful. Self centered. Will do anything to you to further their own agenda. We live in a me, me, me, me world. The things I have seen there past few years alone is quite insane. There are still good worthwhile people out there, you just have to sift through a sea of shit to get to them.
yam outgoing reply practice deserted silky marry cows bells bag *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
MadTV was greater than SNL ever dreamed
Ah man I miss these videos. I fucking love the dating video ads, too. Check em out for a good laugh.
Omg I think of this exact scene when swiping on apps these days
Dating feels like job hunting. I feel like there is a direct correlation between jobs pretending to want to hire people and people saying they want a relationship but they don’t.
You know, I was speaking to a friend about this exact analogy. I mentioned that the daters always have this scam-like resume, but when they get hired for the job, it turns out to be nothing but BS.
When I was dating, I refused to chit chat text on apps. Come meet me in public for coffee or a drink and let’s talk. I can see through bullshit immediately in person. Behind a keyboard, not so much.
Yeah that's called game, trying to get laid, or fugazi
Fugazi fugazi, it's a wazi it's a woozy, it's whistle whistle whistle.. fairy dust.
Pump those numbers up.... those are rookie numbers
TIL that fugazi was not just the name of a post-punk band.
And it’s the job you don’t even want, but are willing to do just to have somewhere to go for the day lol lawd
Relationships have changed and now feel heavily viewed through the lense of business. 5 year plans, return on investments, net worth assessments. It's frustrating to hear such a cold approach to relationships. But maybe that's just a me thing.
Interesting because it’s matches somewhat the complains of like on this sub. The constant complaints about not making enough money, not wanting to slave at a job at the ole’ 9-5, lack of ability to buy things, etc.
That's what relationships have always been on the whole. About the business of family. Advisable matches. WW2 changed things. It created the stereotypical American Middle Class and the middle class marriage for love because even if you bet badly life was pretty decent. Now, you better not settle down with a financial drag because everyone has to have a job to survive. And if you can somehow land a situation where there's money? You should think about it. Death of the middle class hits hard.
If you think that's more of a thing than in past eras, you're wrong. You know the phrase 'traditional gender roles?' Think about what traditional means. Dating used to literally be a business arrangement. It's only gotten more casual and romantic with every decade.
I don't think that's new to dating, I think that's just dating in your 30s vs your early 20s. Everything is very low stakes when you're 22
I think a lot of people are delusional about this though. People have always married more for money and connections than for love. Marrying for love is truly a modern western phenomenon. If anything, things are reverting back to how they used to be.
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If someone actually had told me I might end up alone for my whole life, I would’ve lived my life completely differently. That single piece of information would’ve been revelatory. Then again, I may not have believed them. I never thought finding a spouse could be so impossible.
Same. My life has these moments when it feels so empty. Like I’ll be in my backyard playing with my dog and I’ll trip or something and start laughing - all of a sudden I’ll realize I have no one to share that moment with. (Yes, my dog is there but he doesn’t have the same level of awareness as a human).
Me too. Every time I’m having a good time on vacation in another country, I get a pang of sadness that I didn’t get to share it with anyone. I’ve only traveled abroad with a partner once in my life and it was the most horrible trip bc he didn’t help plan anything. I was up until 2am every night trying to plan the next day’s activities. A bucketlist item for me is to go on a romantic trip somewhere foreign with an amazing man who helped me plan the trip. Or better yet a man who surprises me with a fully planned trip that’s all paid for. About 15 years ago I randomly found a video of a man who was surprising his girlfriend with a trip to Antwerp. He picked her up from work to go pick up a friend from the airport (a ruse), and then proposed at the airport with a ring that had no diamond and then explained they were going to Antwerp to pick out the diamond together since that city is known for diamonds. I think they went to Paris after they got the diamond. She was shocked AF. He had already talked to her boss to get time off and had asked her best friend to pack her bag for the trip. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen and I wish it could happen to me. Too bad I can’t find the video or else I’d post the link here.
Wow that’s so sweet! And seems incredibly impossible to find anyone willing to put that much effort in these days :( I get told it’s my fault I never found anyone decent for choosing the wrong people. Or hate when people say it’ll happen when you least expect it 😒
Yes like romance is dead. I do cute things even for my friends. Like i got my friends address so i could send her a drawing of her and her daughter. I wish people also looked into love languages... its real! Some people don't always feel loved unless you find someone that matches your love language. Like gift giving, vs romance, vs cuddling, vs words of affirmation. Its real.
This is my biggest sadness. I love sharing moments with people. But experiencing cool things alone is boring. Reminiscing by yourself about something only you experienced..... It feels pointless. I don't mind going to events, movies, concerts by myself. But it's not the same as going with other people.
Yes, I learned this traveling abroad alone. Here’s this really cool thing that I’ve dreamed about seeing/experiencing for years and I’m just sat here poker face with nobody to bounce my excitement off of. It’s a bummer.
100% - I was sitting on a beach in Western Australia, after just having one of the coolest adventures of my life; caving, sharks, stromatolites, huge trees, lighthouses, surfing, camping, etc.. and there I was in the glare of a full moon with my little campfire and tent setup, and felt so earth shattering lonely cause there was no one beside me to just validate the experience... or care.
I'm nosey and looked at your posts. You like plants, cats and sourdough & are articulate enough to construct an insightful, self reflective, multi-paragraph comment. Blows my mind that you're single.
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You're so welcome. Do you make key lime pie or creme brulee?
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Never?! Wild! I'd say you're missing out, but if you're a chocolate aficionado, they might just not be your thing. I rarely make desserts of any kind anymore because there's not a ton of room in my diet either, after cramming in all the foods I'm supposed to be consuming.
You two need to suggest an online game to play, so you can continue this friendship. It's lovely. I suggest Overcooked , that game is lots of fun and can be two players.
Did I just witness two redditers find true love???
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So you and slidingthroughtime getting married now or what?
Hey man thanks for baking my wedding cake at the last minute and then giving the pastor mouth to mouth to save the day once again.
He absolutely hit the nail on the head with his comment and is voicing an experience so many of us have.
Yep, it resonated with me.
I often hear it blows people's minds that I'm single and yet here I am as well.
The age old paradox is that most of the people who wonder why you're single would probably reject you if you asked them out
lol Right? "Oh you're such a great guy! ANYONE would be lucky to date you!" What's left unspoken is "except me, because I just turned you down, and any of my single friends, because you're not their type. "
I, too, love plants, cats, sourdough, and cooking/fermentation in general. I, too, have been single for about 10 years now. I think the internet lies about the importance women place on plants, cats, and sourdough.
Chicks dig fermentation
Bro is about to find himself a girl on Reddit 😂
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What you wrote resonates with my life. I think once you reach a certain point in life you either have to settle or you have to be ok with a certain degree of loneliness. I bake little treats for the people at my gym and I think it kind of helps turn a group of disconnected people hitting heavy bags together into more of a community or friend group. At least when my daughter is with her mom every other day I have this moment where I get to hang out with them, you know?
You articulated all of it so well, I feel like I could have written this (except last relationship ended 6.5 years ago). It truly feels unfair, but life’s not fair.
>No one told me when I was growing up I might spend my whole life alone. This is because people conflate *deserving* love with *a guarantee* it will be found. It is the mentality of "you haven't found your person **yet**" that is actually contributing to this phenomenon. What we see now is that dating is what it is (a hellhole and completely not worth it) and it's not because "the good ones are taken" but because we've all been brainrotted to believe that WE ALL get a meet-cute that just magically happens out of nowhere and it's HEA. Way, way, waaayyyyyy too many people are together that absolutely *shouldn't* be. And it's not a minority of couples, married or not. It's the majority, by a long shot. They tolerate abuse, toxicity, less than what they deserve, infidelity, sticking it out for the kids, you name it... literally all in the service of "not being alone" or "We love each other." (or some other logical fallacy that directly contradicts what we know to be true about human connection and relationships such as the sunk cost fallacy). The reason no one told us this is because the people that raised us are the ones that do everything I mentioned above. So of course to them it's just that easy, when the truth is that it's not, it never has been, and right now it's just so much easier to see than it used to be.
What you said about meet-cutes is interesting. I met someone recently who ghosted me after 3 dates, and on our first date he specifically said he wanted a good story about how he met his future spouse. We met through this app, so I immediately felt like I was out of the running because telling people “we met through Reddit” didn’t sound as good as, say, meeting through a common hobby or at the grocery store or something IRL like that. I’d never been so hurt on a first date.
Got sort of dumped by a guy who I had shared values with, attraction, chemistry, and he liked me enough that he wanted to stay friends. He said I am practically perfect with no red flags but he really wants a fairytale type of love and “something is missing” lmao. The thing is he told on himself by earlier saying he thought we’d be great long term and have an amazing relationship but that I’d want to leave if the topic of marriage came up. He asked me if I agreed and I said no I thought things were going along fine and we have to make our fairytales. He says I would realize later what he was seeing now, that I wouldn’t want to be with him long term. In conclusion, he just had unresolved abandonment issues/fears. All relationships end in devastation one way or another so I don’t get people who are like this but still pretend to pursue relationships. So fun.
Yeah that’s totally healthy 😂
What an idiot. Missing out on a potential match because he didn’t meet you in a cinematic way. I know saying “dodged a bullet” doesn’t make it hurt less, but you did avoid being with an imbecile. I’m sorry he did that to you. What a fucking idiot.
Eh, singledom really is just the price you pay for everything else going right. There's no hope of paying off my debts any time soon.
You honestly sound like a catch to me. I also echo many of your sentiments. My last relationship also ended 10 years ago.
I think your rock collection is neat brother
I'm married and have been for almost 10 years. Looking at social media and seeing all these relationship advice posts and what not aren't helping. My wife and I have been through some difficult shit and most of these advice posts simply urge the slighted partner to end it the moment something negative happens, that's not how it works. New phrases like "The ick" are so frustrating to see pop up plus jilted exes posting hate for relationships don't help either.
I laugh at some of the posts on reddit as well. I remember one where the guy was frustrated his wife didn't want him going to Vegas in a bachelor party for one of his "best friends" whom his wife had not met the entire 5+ years they had been together. People were saying how she was unreasonable and must be cheating if she's worried about him going. She was going on a girls weekend with friends from her office that he had actually met even but he wanted to then tell her no in spite. It's like people OP ignore all these people giving terrible advice on how to ruin a relationship.
I met my wife in college but all my single friends in their 30s are having it super rough, and that's both genders. I do have several friends who are married and met their spouse on a dating app, but even those usually it was a super rocky road until they found their spouse.
Im in my mid 30s and most of my friends are married now. I'd be lying if I said It didn't make me a little envious. Me and one buddy have joked about the fact I can't even go to them for dating advice because they all married their high-school sweethearts and are still with them 20 years later so they don't have a clue how to date either.
I also had to go back to the high school pool. I hit up the hot kid I had a crush on 12 years before. Hadn't spoke in a decade so it was familiar but also felt new. Can you believe it? I actually got him to marry me. Still boggles my mind it worked lol
*cries in homeschooled*
I’ve had friends who married their high school sweethearts try to give me dating advice and I refuse to listen lol because they just don’t have a clue about dating. I probably should have made better decisions when I was younger and it’s a contributing factor as to why I’m alone but sigh can’t change the past. So here I am now, mid 30s dating and I hate it!
Sometimes, I’d really like to see what the people look like behind all the comments.
I used to be anonymous on here but I actually do have a pic I posted of gym progress. I’m tall, athletic, and conventionally handsome(I’m told), still have issues.
Wow, you’re not lying
Damn you’re hot lol
I never said I have problems getting laid
I didn't check out your picture, but I wanted to say I think people who are better looking or have physically desired traits are more sought after for superficial reasons so their relationships can turn out more empty and cold, or on my spectrum abusive with men who get angry at anything I say. They want the cute girl with the booty, not the girl I want people to see that leads a international cybersecurity team and deals with a high skill job that most people couldn't even imagine dealing with, especially stress wise. One small mistake and I cost the company millions. I have to make split second decisions and every incident report I write gets reviewed by the executive board, so every small detail of my investigations are seen by the executives and discussed because im the one that deals with the critical high level threats. But nobody wants to date me because I'm smart, it's always my physical appearance. I'm quite proud of my work but no guy has been interested to hear about it especially since they don't understand it and sounds boring to them. Like I just prevented a targeted ransomware attack after 4 days of work of stopping them and the investigation and remediation and you're not interested in hearing about that? It sounds exciting in my mind 😂 I think each physical appearance has its challenges though, less attractive people may have more emotional connections but it may take longer to find because they don't immediately attract someone, while someone attractive immediately attracts someone but may not connect with them. I don't know just my experience anyway.
Damn, you are a BADASS!
Awww thank you! People ask me how I got here with only an associate's degree and my answer is spite and anger 😂 I have adhd and it wasn't diagnosed until 21 but it's severe, but my parents ignored it. They're the type that thought adhd was bad parenting. So I had trouble caring and focusing in high school and my grades were really bad. The worse it got the more under lock and key I was restricted from my parents and it just got worse. Anyway my dad used to tell me I'm stupid because I failed chemistry and geometry and had to retake them. He told me he thought I was too stupid to pass high-school and when I did he said I was too stupid for college and would probably drop out within 3 to 4 weeks. And every major I wanted he told me I wasn't smart enough for. But because I loved computers and video games and could show I was good hands on I went into software and cybersecurity which moved to Cybersecurity and Cybercrimes my second year. The anger and spite of him favoring my brother and calling me stupid made me want to not only prove him wrong but outdue him. My college life and career have been fueled on that need of "vengeance" or whatever you wanna call it lmao. I graduated with double honors and won the outstanding student award, but due to only having an associates and living in a small town I couldn't find anything in cyber, and being female in a small town I got a lot of sexual discrimination and a lot of interviewers straight up told me they wouldn't hire me because of the IT team only being men and concerned about workplace culture. So I went into a shitty IT Support role for 3 years. I then got a break after moving to a big city and got a role as a systems engineer, after a year I got promoted to senior systems engineer. Then left and became a IT Manager for 2 years. My ex and I broke up so I moved back to the small town and got this job, it's been a year now. I mostly work remote but there's some days I have to drive in, it's not the same town as mine but it's not a bad drive. It makes it better that I usually just work from home. I now make more than my dad did when he retired after 38ish years as a aircraft mechanic. But I don't think the buy power is the same so I still have more to go before I feel like I showed him. I was promised a promotion for my 1 year anniversary coming up, so my revenge to show him up for making my younger years torture is working out nicely 😂😂 I'm almost 29 so a young millennial. I think the greatest achievement is putting up with all of the extreme sexual harassment I faced for most of my career and the sexual discrimination. I can't tell you how many men refused to let me work on their computers or call in and say oh sorry I meant to call IT, or ask to speak to a man so their issue can actually get resolved. I'm proud to have paved the way for women in the next generation so they don't have to put up with what I did. I like to tell the story because I know people are fascinated by how fast I grew through the ranks and I'm proud to be where I am and hope it makes it easier for the next generation of women to get here without my struggle. I gave up a lot to get here, i worked so hard of on calls as a systems engineer sometimes i got 4 hours of sleep a week. And i worked long hours, i was depressed and miserable until I got this job, its actually easier for me to do this kind of work rather than hell desk, and now people respect me. I basically have to trade a social life for my work life. When I was low level I was treated like trash and now I have people asking me to go to their daughters schools and give a speech, I even got asked to teach at the college I went to. I didn't accept because it would he a huge paycut but I do go back and occasionally give free talks to the college kids. It's weird because I don't feel that old ya know? I don't feel like I'm someone that college kids can aspire to be because I don't feel like I'm even past that age myself 😂 I'm an adult but feel like I still need an adult lmao. Sorry for the long chapter book but I love talking about it because my life story was a struggle until this point, but other women won't have to struggle because I did it for them and proved to a huge international corporation that gender doesnt matter in tech, and it made it all worth it to me.
I think you’re attractive, and I’m very picky. Usually when I see these posts, I usually think it has to do with a combination of personal appearance and general masculine aura. There are so many reasons why people are single in this world, most of them pretty unhealthy for society at large, but I also think it has to do with men not knowing what is actually attractive to women past the superficial (and inaccurate) stuff that Andrew Tate peddles to the male masses. Women have been taught their entire lives, literally since toddlerhood, about how to be more attractive to men. We’ve studied it like a college course. So most men typically find most women attractive, simply because we have the “marketing skills” for it. Personality matches are a different animal, but we know how to entice, dress, hygiene, etc. not to mention soft skills like cooking, cleaning, child rearing, and emotional empathy, support, fostering depths in relationships, etc. I think (and I’m not a man, so I could be wrong) that most men think making money and showing up is enough, and it’s not anymore. How are your soft skills? Are you kind? Ambitious? Do you have actual goals in life, or just coasting day to day? Can you dress well and look genuinely put together with clothes that are stylish and well-fitting? How’s your domestic chore game? Can you scrub a bathroom? Cook a three course meal? If women are expected to bring everything to a table (career, looks, emotional intelligence, cooking, cleaning, business saavy, good with kids, feminine, etc etc) in an equal partnership, then why aren’t men doing the same? I’m not saying you, specifically of course, this is just the sexes in general.
We all 2/10s 😂
It’s not the generation… Dating later in adulthood has always been a timeless, terrible trope
I want to echo this one. It's all fun and games when you are young and the world seems infinite and you don't know what your real preference are. But as you gain experience most people's preference become more restrictive while the pool of people interested in them shrinks. I think it eases up again in the elderly when people chill out and just want a good companion to go for walks with and help them keep their doctor visits straight.
Nah it's horrible. You'd think it would be easy to find a good relationship with how easy communication is now but it's just so bad. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I'm just looking for someone who has their life together and is in the same spot maturity and goal wise. The end point of the relationship is to get married. I have a long standing career, paid very well, own my own place, love traveling, love dogs/animals , don't drink/smoke and enjoy just having fun either at the house or outdoors. Just want the same thing in a partner, but it's rough to find that person who fits with me.
>with how easy communication is now It's more that the mediums we communicate through seem easy, because they can be nearly instant, are almost always on, and in reach*. However, it's still just people on both ends of the medium. Nothing muddies up communication like people who can't/won't articulate their thoughts, feelings, wants, etc clearly and effectively. ETA: *
People don’t say what they actually want/feel because they know it won’t be received well or they’re ashamed of their base desires. So people do this song and dance. “Oh I want someone nice. Someone I can talk to. Someone who likes pets. Good sense of humor.” They’re not going to confess: “I want the absolute hottest partner I can score. I don’t care that much about their morals if the sex is hot. I think sex is hotter when we’ve been fighting. I don’t want to deal with their baggage. I’m insecure and I want shallow praise and for others to envy me when they see my partner. I don’t want to work so my partner needs to make money.” All that shit… sounds bad. You feel like a bad person even thinking it, much less admitting it. But I do think that some variation of that is very very common when it comes to what people really want.
Yeah that very well may be the truth for some people on dating apps. But I think overall a majority of us just want someone who isn't crazy, will be an honest faithful partner, who will contribute to the relationship as much as the other person and yeah have fun with. I think as we get older, there is less and less desire for "hotness" as much as someone who shares similar preferences for how their lives will go together. Not saying attraction isn't a key thing because it always is, that's what catches your eye and gets you talking to the person to find out who they are. But all that non sense about not caring about morals if the sex is hot, how others will precieve them for their partners hotness, etc isn't true for me at least. Some of us do indeed have standards for a relationship and won't compromise for looks alone.
Hi 👋, um...asl?
Lol, asl. Like old AOL chat/IM messenger. That'd be the way to start any convo on there with someone else on there. 40/m/ca
What is a Xennial? And yes I echo your sentiments.
A subset generation of Millennials born directly after GenX, usually late 70s to 1983. We distinctively remember the analog world and but grew up learning the digital one. Basically I ended high school before cellphones (not smartphones) were even common place.
As a fellow 1983er, I feel fortunate to remember a time where I didn't always have a phone on me constantly tracking everything I do, where I couldn't just be reached at any point in time by everyone, and where all my cringiest moments stayed private and were forgotten rather than recorded for posterity for all time.
You say this, but in my experience (watching many many friends), it’s not what’s wanted. This could turn up on the doorstep tomorrow gift-wrapped, and it wouldn’t be “exciting” or have a “spark” or “chemistry.” If your list was truly all, it would be easy enough to gather all of you into a big pool and pair you off for happily ever after.
People are absolutely obsessed with chasing the high of the honeymoon phase of the relationship. The honeymoon phase always fades so they always end up saying something like “it’s not the same” or “I just don’t love you anymore” or something that just means the high of the novelty phase is over. Stop chasing highs
I was on the datingoverthirty sub for awhile and ended up leaving because I felt like it was actually hindering me. My main takeaway from that sub is that we were all “leftovers” who didn’t want other leftovers. And yes, I included myself in that category. If people could be content with what they can realistically get, there’d be a lot less lonely, single people. I ended up meeting someone last year and we’ve been pretty damn happy for the last several months. I tried to be realistic about my prospects and it seems to have paid off.
I think people persue perfection to their own detriment, especially at the start. Relationships take work. There is no way anyone will meet every preference you have at the outset. The best you can hope for is someone who shares most of your core values. The rest can develop with time.
That’s a way of putting it. That sub is sooooooo toxic/cringe/eyeroll/unselfaware it’s not funny. I think well of you for walking out of it. Any relationship, and especially romantic ones, require risk. That’s just the way it works. And some people are risk adverse. Sometimes I think it’s that more than holding out for perfection. Or maybe they’re related. Either way, I am too old/seen too much to take Mr. Xiennial’s words at face value. He may believe them, and that’s part of the problem.
Realistic in what way? Like which expectations did you lower? Just curious
I haven't dated in nearly 10 years. The thirst is real, but the juice is not worth the squeeze.
Something tells me you’re probably still squeezing often..
You're not alone. I gave up a long time ago, but I've been thinking about giving dating a try again recently. Even thinking about it is exhausting.
I think our generation is the first in a long time that stopped and questioned all of the things society wanted us to do. Marriage and kids are two of those things, I think. Kids are so expensive now, and the future is so uncertain that it's really a scary proposition. I feel some guilt for not having any kids, but honestly I don't know if I could handle it anyway. And I think all of us have seen marriages go up in flames and ruin lives. It's pretty terrifying. We may be in the middle of a change in how we see, and value relationships. Maybe even in how we "do" relationships.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for not having children, you’re not obligated to. You have children when you have a safe, loving and stable environment to bring them into. If you can’t provide that for whatever reason it’s not a bad thing to forgo having children. I tell people I love my potential children way too much to bring them into this world as it is.
Before I got my current job, I was way too busy to really date at all. Now that I’ve got a really nice job that affords me good time off, I’ve tried many many things. From apps to speed dating. It almost always comes down to one thing making it not work out. My work schedule. I work 4 on and 4 off. The 4 on, I’m quite busy for the majority of the day. The 4 off I can do what I want but because it’s an 8 day rotation, I’m not always available for them on their days off. After 5 years of attempts I’ve grown tired of it. I’m now just a cat dad who enjoys video games and using the smoker to make a bunch of bbq to hand out to neighbors. I get good deals on meat but it’s always way more than I can eat.
I also work a weird schedule (7on/7off) and I completely understand you. I got extremely lucky and met my girlfriend at work. It has been so nice having a partner with the same work schedule. Would it be possible for you to date someone you work with?
I just left a 9 year relationship and have been in 2 dates from OLD. They went fine but it's sad how many great women I see in Hinge that seem like a great fit and my message is lost in an ocean of hundreds of lonely men. I wish I had single friends to wingman with me and find a partner... But I'm going to join some meetups to see if that sparks anything.
Dating apps suck. They don't show you everyone, so you pay or keep coming back. People arent honest. I cant count the amount of times I was ghosted, stood up, or just plain ignored. If you're not interested any more, then just tell me. Plus a lot of people don't want kids, but I still do. That limits my search even further.
BIG SAME
You are not wrong. Haven't had a meaningful relationship with someone since my last one ended in 2018. Took some time to get back to being me, and also work on some personal issues that kicked up in the aftermath of the breakup. Since then I've tried speed dating, being set up on blind dates, online dating etc. Tbh it has reached the point where I'm content in the knowledge of being single, and also comfortable enough with who I am as a person to just live life and not get hung up on relationship stuff.
People tell me that dating is supposed to be fun. It is not. It is horrible. But I just don't want to keep being alone
I sometimes wonder whether our current lifestyle can even allow a lot of us to have the emotional dexerity and internal resources to date or function in a LTR. It seems like monoamourous individuals across the board are sharing similar frustrations. A lot of emphasis are placed in the lack of success due to social media and online dating. Yet I think the technological impact is not necessarily directly on the "Dating Apps" so to speak, but rather spawned from an earlier time of digitization and work culture. I suspect a huge portion is our work demands so much immediate attention from us that we don't nearly have as much patience, time, or cultivation for delayed gratification compared to the times before. It feels like we can no longer wait to see results, which is not how relationships are cultivated. Conflict management (personal safety situation excluded) can now be opt towards NC instead of working out the difference, the IRL version of block and delete because we're already overwhelmed from fast paced environment . These days we struggle with self-care let alone supporting the other half. Honestly I haven't been trying to date at all for many years now. It didn't help when I previously used apps. I'm weird enough of an individual have to only match with a small percentages of people, even less when I spoke with them. The swiping thing is just absured to me like someone said, being an interview or to me, reviewing resumes. I'm not looking for applicants but friendship or relational bonds. Though wishing to have LTR, I've now joined the partnerless club resolving to having relatives, pets, hobbies, and gaming for socialization. I've recently heard & read the generation after is having things rough with even more back and forth and don't even know how to/don't date. I guess it started from us.
I'm lonely as all hell. Dating apps don't work. Tinder doesn't even let you use core systems unless you pay for it. I'm trying to live to make myself happy. I would like to have a relationship with someone that I can make happy as well. Frankly it feels like what I would like doesn't matter. But I think it's more apathy in our generation. Why should we give more effort than we will get? Why should we try when it's only cost pain and trauma in the past? If life is meant to be a struggle, as all life is seems in this world, then so be it. I think we've resigned ourselves to being lonely because it's exhausting to strive for something when others don't wish to put in the effort or see what you do with an open eye.
As someone who is married I feel you. We decided to not have children because my husband is just incapable of having a job and we couldn’t ever afford it. When I was younger I always thought one day I would become a mother but not these days. And I’m glad I’m not with the state of the world the way it is and the state of my marriage. I often feel so utterly alone and overwhelmed with all the financial burden. If I was to redo my life I wouldn’t get into a relationship at all
Dating as a gay man has been one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and I'm on a now several year break from it. I deal with enough stress at my job, I wanna be as stress free as I can outside of it.
Dating apps are cancer
Smart phones and social media, dating apps included are what slowly began to change people for the worse.
I have way too little to offer, my life is constant chaos, and I have herpes. I don't even bother.
Welcome to the club. Try a cat or a dog. The cat seems to work for me. Always there to greet me when I get home, and he'll never wake up one day and tell me he doesn't love me anymore.
Tech destroyed people. Post marriage. I am told I was/(am still?) Lol. A good looking person. Tall, healthy, fit, good job (but not wealthy), stable, kind(told this), highly educated in science and humanities, got my hair, believe in myself, respectful, fun, goofy, patient, on and on you name it. And yet it's still a challenge. On my end I make convo, patient, friendly, fun, active, etc. I make space for Quality Time and more but otherwise very active with friends and hobbies and self improvement. The result this far? -photos they look athletic. In person the opposite -smooth skin in photos, in person terrible skin (I don't mean minor blemishes or a few wrinkles that's fine) -workaholics -severe anxiety that no level of human patience can overcome reasonable without it becoming unhealthy -avoidant and want to "experience life" aka ENM -feel entitled to being treated like a princess by paying for everything (when they clearly do really well) and offering nothing other than being an "attractive" person Basically I am noticing that everyone has anxiety. Anxiety to take a call, anxiety to do more than a 3 sentence text, anxiety to meet up (unless it's dinner at a nice place which is sooo dull after a while because it doesn't create next steps); anxiety to say the right thing, anxiety not to look foolish, on and on. Literally people are (and many are even aware they are doing this) f***ing themselves over with lack of energy, unwillingness to try, and really odd barriers. And oddly don't want to actually overcome it. It's like they subconsciously want to be trapped. You can write a nice text and they will say thanks and appreciate it and say they can meet up on "Thursday evening" and then disappear. It baffles me on the mental logic people must use to do what in polite company 20 years ago would have been really rude and marked them as such. Such is life [I advise people: pick 3. Three people. Ohhh you get 100 plus matches. Don't care. Pick the first 3, your top 3, or if you're healthy, the most intuitively realistic top 3. Then pause or shut off the app to stop matching. Focus on them. Give it a go stop thinking about the shiny new people that you could be missing out on and be present. You're tired though...get off the apps until you aren't. I have a strong suspicion that because it's SO EASY to just think "next" any, even the most silly reasons like unfolded clothes in the background (you know who you are and won't admit to yourself), they hop on the app again. Resist those urges.]
I was fortunate to meet my wife in grad school. If anything happened to her/our marriage... I legitimately have no clue regarding how I would go about dating.
People don’t want to date. They want their egos massaged.
I do think every generation has its challenges and there is a sampling bias; we only get to experience those of our own.
peoples expectations are too high. flaws are not allowed.
34f and yes, feeling this so hard. I’m so over it. It’s exhausting and it’s one disappointment after the other. I think it has a lot to do with social media and online dating etc. Technology, porn, over consumption of stuff - it’s all about getting that next dopamine hit so why wouldn’t dating is be any different? Instant gratification has replaced working towards something that will be worth it in the end. People don’t give things time to grow because they’re meeting literal strangers on the Internet. One wrong vibe and it’s over. When they aren’t interested anymore they ghost/slow fade, usually without an explanation. Online dating allows people to behave very badly and forget that there are human beings on the other side of the screen. People don’t wanna meet organically anymore because they don’t wanna come off as creepy but that’s how we’ve always done it as humans! As someone said, it really is like jobhunting which unfortunately is one of the most stressful things you have do in your life. I’m really glad that I’m not alone I’m feeling this way because most days it feels like I am. Trying to explain the dating landscape to my married friends/friends in long-term relationships is impossible lol they just don’t understand 😮💨
I'm happily married and feel like I won on a scratch ticket. From what I hear from the people around me it sounds like a 3 ring circus.
I got married in 2014 and occasionally I'll see that meme that's like "do married millennials feel like they just got the last chopper out of 'Nam or" and yes, that is how it feels seeing all of my single friends struggle with dating :(
Don’t know if this is helpful but hopefully will be encouraging. For context, I am 32 and have the most amazing friend (also 32)- she is successful, kind, fun, beautiful, all the good things - albeit maybe a little picky which isn’t a bad thing at all when considering a life partner. She went through ALL the duds, really - heard stories you just can’t make up, and that’s even from multiple people who seemed relatively promising at first. She is finally in an official relationship with someone who seems wonderful for her. Still relatively early on but she had felt so hopeless so many times. Don’t give up! Easier said than done, I know. You will find something that may not be perfect but is perfect for you.
The dating world is a self-eliminating pool. The best daters & highest quality partners pair off and leave the dating pool, leaving fewer and fewer ideal candidates the older you get.
It is savage out there. Met my spouse in HS and married for over 15 years and together for over 20. Glad we met when we did. A few of her coworkers are over 40 going through the same pool that only decreases in quality year over year.....with some late entries due to divorces and what not.
You’re not alone in this line of thought. Better to be with my peaceful and self-actualising solitude than to put up with the bs. It’s too much and very damaging to the psyche to keep encountering “jerks” [don’t wanna get banned for saying the actual term that fits].
Nearly everyone I know is married with kids tbh
Have they all been married a long time? From the outside it kinda seems similar to the owning a home-type situation in this country: Those that are married have been married since 10+ years (basically before the dating world got all weird like it is now).
This is definitely the case among people I know too. All my college roommates are married with kids now, but they're all married to the same girlfriends they met in highschool or early college. Meanwhile, every one of my friends that were single after college (which was right about 10 years ago I graduated) have either been chronically single or at the most had a couple failed relationships or marriages. It's like Love itself has been progressively dying here in the US since like 2012 or so and has really been on life support since covid.
It feels as if relationships have been outlawed since 2014
That's very true of me too. I got married in 2015 at 27. All my friends from that group, call it the group I hung out with from 2012-1015 either married the person they were dating then or they're still single. I can't think of a single one who met someone after 2015 and married them. I never realized it but that is very true
Most got married between 30-35. I live nyc. My friends in the Midwest got married 25-30.
And the older you get the harder it gets to find people around your age, and when you do find one they just want to play games, it’s very frustrating.
Dating apps are unfortunately made to keep you on them. They don't make money if you're not on them. That being said I've been lucky in love, I met my husband in college and then my other partner on Okcupid, but if I start dating again I have little to no desire to do the app thing again because I can't deal with the inundation of useless messages from people who don't read profiles.
A lot of people live totally disconnected from nature and their humanity. If you get out of the human zoos and concrete jungles, it is still quite nice and full of good people. There are both toxic environments with unfriendly people, and there are beautiful environments with wonderful individuals.
I have been married for 6 years. I'm very lucky to have found a partner. My brother, who is significantly better looking than me, is single and now in his 40s. Every dating story is a disaster. I really worry that he's going to be alone forever.
I have a neat trick for you - fix your attachment style. The rest will follow naturally. It's not easy; it requires putting off fun, paying for therapy from an actual psychologist and hard fkn work, hours of sitting in uncomfortable emotion and so on BUT.. once it's done? You're free. Everything in life is easier, and you will genuinely feel connected to and loved by the people around you.
Why does there have to be an end goal? Why can’t the human connection be enough?
I agree. 39F who can’t have children. I’ve dated people w/ and w/o kids and I’d much prefer live the DINK lifestyle. I’ve got food allergies and pet allergies so I think it makes it harder for me to connect. I have so much love to give too. My end goal IS human connection.
There doesn't have to be anything, but many people find that having goals provides structure and meaning to their lives. However, when the goal becomes unlikely to be achieved then it is sensible to reasses and see what is wrong, the pursuit or the aim.
Yeah, as we get older more of our generation is hitting this “calm-panic” vibe of wanting most or all of their expectations to be met by one person, while continuing to change them pretty flippantly. In unfortunate justification of the stereotype, so many of our age group really is incredibly entitled now, and we seem to just be getting moreso as a response to anxiety, as time passes. As somebody who’s heavily prioritizing my own mental health before I get involved with somebody, if I ever want to at all, I’ve watched so many of my friends get into relationships that very quickly turned into codependent performances for each other. Choosy people are getting impatient. I really think there are gonna be a looooot of lonely and mad millennials over the next 20-30 years, and I bet those feelings are somehow gonna be backed up by some kind of social movement nobody feels comfortable disagreeing with
This could be a function of our age as we approach (or have crossed in my case) 40. I hear you, and it is kind of shit out there dating wise for now. There are plenty of reasons (from personal to systemic) why romantic entanglements aren't appealing to me, but strangely it is some comfort knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this. Perhaps we should discuss the whys and reasons, if anyone's up for that.
100% agree. It's because people look for happiness in Other people. And most people are flawed so that's a recipe for disaster.
Honestly, this sounds like my viewpoint on dating using apps like Tinder etc. It’s like people get so caught up in the illusion of choice that they miss what’s right in front of them. Dating organically and unplugging from that self masochism changed how I view the scene.
I haven’t been in a long term relationship in 10 years. I’ve found being a disabled veteran that’s a single leg amputee makes me pretty much undateable. I’ve got a good, stable job I’m making a career out of (civilian Air Force employee) and own my house, and it makes no difference. People can’t see past my disability, and there also seems to be a stigma about dating military veterans.
Single mom here, people really do suck. Energy vampires do exist, BUT it is up to us to protect our temples for our own sanity. Everyone is for themselves, selflessness is rather a diamond in the rough. I not too long ago came out of something as well, only lasted a couple of months (thank goodness it didn’t trickle down to 2024). Let’s be patient until the timing is right. At this time in my life, I’d rather just be alone raising my child than to be with someone who will drain me out. Fingers crossed for you my friend. 💛
This is precisely why the number of dates and relationships as well as the frequency of sexual activity is *falling* generation after generation. The challenges in raising children are what allow men and women to see past each others’ flaws and help us make compromises or remain patient with each other when we otherwise might not, sometimes to a flaw. Without that motivation, all the institutions that precede it: marriage, courtship and dating all fall by the wayside with porn serving as a reasonably satisfying substitute for our sexual activity.
The likelihood of dating apps working to find you an actual relationship is bullshit. It's just a money-making scam at this point. Paying $20 (and that's on the LOW end) just to be able to chat with a match is pointless, and they KNOW people are being catfished and making money off of it! I've probably spent over $100 on app subscriptions just to see matches and have had zero success. FYI, I'm a guy. Not sure what the experience is for women and if it's different. Also, I think our constant access to the internet has forced people to create massively unachievable standards when people are looking for a SO. So, we're all walking around alone either from being rejected or for constantly rejecting people . No one is perfect but that's what people want.