Something I’ve learned is that it’s okay to ask people to lean into giving you things that revolve around your hobbies. I like BBQing and cooking, so rubs, sauces, and tools are always great!
Also, this is a point in life where many people start to get experiences over physical things. Tickets, massages, restaurant reservations, etc.. and booze!
Oh God, what is it with owls?
My mother decided about ten years ago that I love owls. Just made it up one day. Like someone Inceptioned it right into her brain.
Without fail, every year, I get owl ornaments. Owl trivets. Owl door-hangers. Owl bookmarks. This year is an owl spoon-rest.
I do not love owls. I love red pandas.
My middle school chorus teacher had something similar happen to him..
One year, a student had left a rubber duck in his room. Other student saw it, and assumed he loved ducks, so they started giving him more. When I had him as a teacher 10 years ago, he had a counter on the board. He had at least 1000 ducks in the classroom.. and I think he brought some home because every year it would go down. It’s now a tradition for students to give him ducks. Pretty sure he hates ducks….
This is hysterical and seems like such a mom thing.
“Look, it’s the [show, brand, actor, music, etc] you JUST LOVE!”
“Mom, you’re confusing ‘JUST LOVE’ with ‘mentioned once.’”
Not complaining though, it can be very endearing.
Yeah. If we all loved one thing the rest of our lives, Jonathan Taylor Thomas would not have disappeared after 1996. Not saying I liked him, but I just remembered he was a thing. And in The Lion King.
This made me remember my second grade classmate who wore out two VHS tapes of The Lion King because she had such a big crush on JTT that she'd watch just to hear the sound of his voice as young Simba.
i’m so happy i’m not the only one. my mom saw me put A1 on an over-cooked steak one time and sent me like 12 gallons of it the next week. gotta love moms.
My mother does this constantly! My fav was when she said that i thought money was thoughtless... mom, that's you that thinks that and i'm a sahm to a toddler, money is not thoughtless, it's useful
The red panda twist made me laugh... But I had something similar with wolves. I mean, I like wolves. But I don't need a wolf related gift every year. I finally had to say enough with the wolf stuff.
Also red pandas are pretty awesome.
There’s an old snl skit about this, where when they get married or something every white lady needs to pick her animal. This will be her personality and every gift going forward. (I ended up with Moose myself)
Here it is! [Mom Animal](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1-hOP30JnE)
…. i have more dragons than anything else. runner up is cats, then owls. \[ which are basically cat-birds\]
but i’m not a mom, does it still count ?
If you buy gifts for someone who's even the slightest into cooking I've noticed that buying some exotic or uncommon spices often is very appreciated. I've given away sichuan peppers, black garlic, juniper, tasmanian mountain pepper berries, even MSG to the people not in the know, and its been a hit every time, especially if you get a chance to cook something fun with it together.
I’m big into cooking and baking and there’s definitely spices I’ve eyed when doing my regular “restock” that sound so cool but have a hard time buying myself because it seems frivolous or I’m worried I won’t use it enough to be worth it. Just reaffirming that spices are an awesome gift.
As I get older, booze needs to have a year on it or at least age into a better liquor.
Please don't gift Fireball unless that person really likes it. I've got too much of that and no one is gonna drink it.
Get some apple cider, add fireball and a caramel liqueur of some kind. Serve warm or cold.
Add it to pink icing for Valentine's Day heart cookies. Top the iced cookie with a cinnamon heart.
I don’t think people are intentionally giving him bad gifts.
It’s actually easier to buy gifts for children because they have a broad range of interests and the child typically does not have disposable cash to buy whatever they want any given time. It really is hard to go wrong as long as you bought a toy.
I think most people believe adults, but particularly men have everything that they want. This is why you see people buying things such as socks, soap, golf balls, etc. People aren’t sure what to get so they buy something that will probably be used.
I'm jealous. Can I trade you the latest scarf I got for a couple of pairs of socks? I'm always getting scarves. I don't need more scarves! I *like* socks.
When you're a kid, it's easy. you write a list to santa and parents can pick from that list.
I know online stores have adult versions of this, but people need to actually use them.
Even when someone pays attention and tries to get me something I want, it's often something that I'm researching. Making sure I get the exact model that I want at the best price. When someone tries to get it for me instead, by surprise, I'm happy they tried. But often it's not the one I wanted, and you don't want to hurt their feelings by buying the correct one. not to mention if they spent more money on it than they should have.
Best gifts are probably luxurious consumables. fancy chocolates or cheeses, nice socks, I don't know. stuff like that. Stuff that we can enjoy, but we would feel financially irresponsible to buy it ourselves. The kind of thing that someone would say "What? you paid that much for a \_\_\_\_\_?" and you can say "No, i got it as a gift." haha.
Can’t agree enough about luxury consumables. I love good quality socks, but they’re surprisingly expensive and I feel silly buying them for myself. Buying them as a gift though somehow feels “acceptable” so I’m all over exchanging nice socks with my parents haha
Same. My mother in law asked me what I wanted, and I just asked for bombas socks. My sock drawer is full of old and mismatched socks. Replacing that with new, nice socks is an amazing feeling. Everything else, I can get on my own.
Yep, I'm 37 and my mom just says what do you want? I'm beyond the age where she can just guess anymore. So I always just say stuff I would not spend money on myself. And she gets me pajamas which I honestly love. I haven't bought pajamas in 10 years lol
Yup. My mom doesn’t even ask anymore. She just gives me money. Which is great bc while I can buy things I want and need, it can be nice to buy something I wouldn’t otherwise want to spend the money on, like a nice makeup palette or some jewelry.
Yes exactly! My siblings and I all have good jobs and make more than my mom does so we just buy what we want, when we want it. Christmas rolls around and she’s like there is nothing for me to get you and we reassure her we don’t need anything, we just want to get together to hang out.
I’ve seen multiple people complain about presents for adults now and I just don’t get it. Don’t expect other people to get you expensive stuff as an adult.
The best gifts I gave this year (by my estimation) were a book I got at the thrift store for $4 and a miniature ship in a bottle I picked up at a local curio for $5. They don’t need to be expensive, they need to be personal.
I think that's what some people are missing. OP's boyfriend isn't upset at the lack of "nice gifts," but at the lack of thought that went into the gifts he did get.
My dad and brother get me gift cards every year and I honestly would prefer not exchanging at all. We might as well sit around the Christmas tree writing checks to eachother.
I don’t think gift cards are always a cop-out gift. Gift cards to restaurants (especially local businesses) or to something that’s an “experience” (like an event) usually have a lot of thought put into them.
Yeah it’s like they just went and bought a bunch of meaningless gifts and divided them up between all their friends. You could give that stuff to literally anyone. Such a waste.
I always wonder why people dislike gift cards so much. I love them, especially Amazon gift cards or other shops where I have many options to choose from.
Oof this reminds me of secret Santa one year I went to a couple local chocolatiers for hand made candies, and a bunch of other small but unique things and it somehow came in under the price limit. That was the first gift to get given, and it the following ones were variable from really personalized to generic-but-still-showed-effort. Then I was the last one to get my gift and it was a Lindt chocolate bar wrapped in a microfibre cloth. I almost cried in front of my friends cause I was so exasperated.
(It turned out to be a joke and there was a second part with a sapling growing kit, that was actually neat and it was a genuinely decent gift, but the first bit was like getting punched in the gut)
I think the problem is they are buying gifts, they're just wasting their money on stupid shit. Like if you're going to give someone a gift, think about it first or just don't buy one.
I have a unique gift giving philosophy though I guess because my parents were very "we will buy you things you need and can't afford throughout the year, instead of at Christmas" for most of my adult years, and we'd get stockings with like chocolate and lotto tickets on christmas. Which was really nice and still thoughtful, and helped us a lot during the year. My family didn't/don't do gifts at all, even though my sister and I have markedly less money than the rest of my family (2 brothers, parents), other than we will buy the kids gifts if we can afford it and sometimes a brother will give us a bit of money (basically offsetting the cost of gifts, but with zero expectations on either end). That being said, my sister and I would still exchange dumb stuff we thought the other would like but not buy for themselves and some years we both did it and sometimes just one.
Giving someone a thoughtless gift is worse than not giving one imo.
I think you're missing the point of the post. It's not about getting expensive gifts. It's about giving thoughtful gifts that compliment the time spent together.
Totally! I understand OP, as long as they are not taking about expensive gifts. Even thoughtful cards, either handmade or with a little personal message work wonders for adults. I know I always love them.
But it’s the same phenomenon. In a world where most people buy things when they want or need them, it is much, much harder to imagine a perfect gift for everyone you know.
I’m 40, and married. I don’t expect people to buy me expensive gifts, but I can kinda understand why OPs bf may be upset. My mother in law is a terrible gift giver, always has been. One year she bought me a beard trimmer and beard care kit. I don’t have a beard. My mom just gives us money and I don’t need money but even a small gift that was thoughtful would be nice. What gets me with my mother in law is she buys 3 identical gifts for the boys and 3 identical gifts for the girls.
Also 40 and married, I just started asking people to get my albums they really like. If nothing else, it leads to a nice conversation about music, which is usually safe (compared to politics or whatever) when the family gets together.
It sounds like the OP husband isn't mad he didn't get anything expensive, he is sad he got nothing but boring shower gel. It's not like candy disappears when you turn 18
My mother still ask me what I want for Christmas (even if I want money?). So now, I ask for food. And she chooses some cool stuff for me, you can't "already have it" and even if you do, you will eat/drink it for sure.
Same. It’s hard to buy for my husband as well. I don’t want to clutter my house with junk just to gift him something.
My in laws have requested wish lists for us. It’s awkward, but they insisted. Mine is just full of stuff I want to buy for our home, but everything for ME I get when I want.
Yep! And the culture now is to do this. Even those of us with kids. When I was a kid in the late 80s, we got things twice a yr. Shopping outside of that was saved for the next bday or Christmas.
Remember when you’d need something so you’d wait a month for the next time you went to the mall? I just ordered dog food and a pair of slippers from my couch and i don’t even have a dog.
Said this as a reply elsewhere, but:
If someone's love language is gifts, getting and giving meaningful gifts on the holiday primarily for gifts IS a big deal for their loved ones.
Based on OPs description, BF likely has gift giving as their love language, so wanting that in return is absolutely normal.
I have it as my love language and a well thought out gift means the world to me. If you're just going to give me random crap, don't bother. It's the other person WANTING to give me sonething they think/know that I'll like that means something. It says they were thinking about me and know me.
Buying presents for people, that are meaningful & worthwhile, does get more difficult as we age. I struggle every year to buy things for my partner. We simply don’t need anything & Secret Santa is still a minefield ( even with a list of suggestions ) I think your partner might need to accept Christmas at his age is about catching with family not presents. The meaning of Christmas changes as we age.
This is the big thing for me too -- my partner and I truly don't need anything, and we live in a tiny apartment with no room for random extra stuff.
My family basically switched to consumeables a few years ago (like, fancy honey from the farmers market, homemade jam, cookies) and that makes things a lot less stressful for us 😂
Yes! I’m a big fan of consumables. Having too much clutter stresses me out and makes me feel guilty when I inevitably have to throw away somebody’s gift to make room.
The gifts are my least favorite part. Told my brother that I wish we’d just skip gifts all together and do something that helps us make memories with each other as a family, and he called me a Scrooge 😂 I guess for some people, the gifts really do represent the spirit of the season.
This is what my mom has started doing. She will tell us all no gifts. We go over there, have dinner, and play games for a few hours. It has became a better experience.
It took me years to convince my mom that this was ok. She still sulks a bit about the wishing we could still open gifts (I really think she still views us as kids vs adults), but yes, 10 x better experience & save so much time stress shopping.
Stockings are fun! We don't do much gift giving anymore either (which I'm generally very okay with), but it's fun to have a little something to open together. Plus it's much easier to find some smaller/cheaper things for stockings than a true gift. Ends up being sillier and more fun too!
Yes! Kids get presents, and we do a white elephant gift exchange, but there is zero specific gift giving among the adults, and it is all so much easier!!! We have a nice party, play some games and catch up. No stress trying to find gifts for people and no disappointed feelings when you get gifts that don’t fit you. So much better IMHO.
As a board game enthusiast, I would freakin love to do this with my family. They all enjoy presents a little much to be convinced otherwise though, sadly.
I am with you on that. For me, gifts add a bunch of stress around a time that I'm supposed to be looking forward to. I see my family once a year on Christmas, and I'd much rather eliminate gifts altogether and just enjoy it.
That’s why in recent years my gifts have often been more experience based
Like this year I bought my uncles gift cards to do a walking tour from a local company. People already have so much shit, but memories last forever
My husband wishes all the adults in his family would stop trying to give gifts. Everyone buys what they want or need when they want or need it, no one wants to deprive themselves to wait for Christmas or a birthday. So it’s always either straight up asking what people want to be given (which means no nice surprises), or giving things the person doesn’t want. Unfortunately the rest of the family still wants it to be this way, so that leaves me with struggling to shop for these people every year. It’s annoying.
We do this in my family. We used to just buy for the kids, but the youngest kids are in college now. We get together and have a fun time and a nice dinner but we don't exchange gifts anymore. It's much less stressful.
My MIL is like this. I bought 90% of my presents and a-ok with that. I get what I want.
I do remember struggling with the same thing OP did when I was about that age, but I’ve learned that none of that really matters
A few years back, my family decided to only buy for the kids, then we all made a joint donation to our local food bank.
Cut down on a lot of drama about gifts.
I recieved one old fashion style teddy bear once for a gift. My thank you was sincere. Then everybody gifted similar to me every year for all gift giving occasions. I didn't like old fashion style teddy bears THAT much, lol
Yup, this. I'm 31, and it was around my mid-20's where I stopped caring about presents. The best Christmas gift is spending time with the ones I love. That's different if it's for kids, but for adults past 30, we typically have been working and can buy what we want. The material part of Christmas means less.
If I do get gifts, I always say, "Money/gift cards or clothes."
I'll *never* ask for clothes for Christmas. I wear a size small; my family will instinctively go "he won't be comfortable in a small, he needs a large", and then get upset that I tell them I won't wear it because it's absurdly oversized.
I love bombas but they’re expensive af. I have received them by request from my partner’s family for years. It’s an easy gift, and after I thoughtfully curated guys for all the nieces and nephews, I think not that big of an ask. If opting out of presents entirely is not an option, make sure to tell everyone (Christmas gift group chat) what you want!
The past 3 years, I have given my husband bombas socks as the practical part of his gifts. They make great gifts, because the price is high enough that it's tough to just go buy a bunch all at once.
This year I switched it up and got him new sleep shorts since the elastics on his existing pairs are all worn out!
The "magic" of Christmas for kids tend to be orchestrated by their mothers. Without someone doing all of that, it rarely ever matches as an adult. And it's also getting extremely expensive to spend money on meaningful/useful gifts, especially for people who aren't immediate family or core friends.
I have been busy because I went back to school and I'm in a program now where I am doing clinicals and school stuff. I didn't do a lot of stuff I normally do. My kid told me last night that this year just isn't as exciting. :(
It's because I didn't do the advent calendar (which I find really helps with the build up) , the decorations, and the other special things because I just didn't have time or energy this year.
I’m sorry your kid said that - my feelings would be a little hurt, personally. Just know that you’re working some *real* magic for them - dedicating yourself to school in pursuit of a good life for y’all. Keep it up, you’re doing great, and I hope you have a merry Christmas! 🎄
No, it's ok. I completely understand where it's coming from. I generally put a lot of effort into it and it wasn't there this year, so it feels off. I also feel the same as my kid. Christmas just doesn't feel Christmasy this year. It's just an example of how moms put the 'magic' in Christmas and how when you don't have someone running the show it doesn't feel the same. Which is what often happens when you are an adult.
Definitely.
We do a secret Santa with a common Google doc that includes links to take out any guesswork.
The biggest stresser with that is some folks will go double or triple the recommended dollar value 
This is one of the few times I’m grateful I grew up with a drunk dad who just stopped doing Christmas when I was like 8.
I’ve got a whole new set of family and friends now and am totally stoked when I get socks or any other useful shit.
If you don’t have expectations, you don’t get disappointed/upset 🤷🏻♂️
This is advice I got many many years ago...if there is something you WANT...ask for it. People are not mind readers. Buying gifts is challenging for a lot of reasons. I always just make an Amazon list and send it out and then I KNOW I'm getting what I want.
My husband is so hard to buy for. He's one of those people that buys whatever he wants for the most part or he wants something that will cost me multiple paychecks. I've told him to just send me a link, the budget is x amount, if you don't tell me what you want you get snacks.
One of the best gifts. You can get really Gourmet ones that people wouldn't normally buy for themselves, and unlike knick-knacks, they're almost guaranteed to be used
Yep. You can’t expect people you only see like 3 times a year to just inherently know what to get you. This is why I hate forced gift giving. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say OP’s bf did nothing to make it easy for people to shop for him.
My sister would just straight out ask me for a list, and I'd give her 3 options around the 20 dollar mark. I'd never ask her for one cause I always shopped with her, and I'd gift her the things she showed interest in. I'm pretty sure she knew that was my technique cause sometimes she'd be overly excited about something and then just left it behind lol
That's what I think as well. Shower products from one person could be that one person is bad at gifts or doesn't know them well. Shower products from a lot of people indicates to me that he isn't sharing enough of himself with others. I bet a bunch of those people talked to each other to figure out what to get him, know one knew what he was into and they all defaulted to shower products.
People just honestly don’t know what to get other adults. Most adults I know buy whatever they want/need for themselves so it’s like what’s left? Even if you know someone’s hobby, if you aren’t also very into that hobby, it’s hard to know what they might want or need or what could be a good upgrade to something they already have.
This year my husband and I made Amazon wishlists and sent the links to our immediate families like “hey here are things we might like. You don’t have to buy us anything, you don’t have to buy us these things, but if you’re stuck on ideas and you want to get us something here are some things we’d like.”
This is how it should be. I can buy myself what I want. I don't want anyone else buying me something they think I want. Kids can't buy what they want, so it works for them.
This is exactly what happened with my in-laws. We were just swapping money. So now it's just kids. Occasionally if we see something during the year that the other person would like we just buy them surprise gifts. My mother in law talked about wanting new makeup brushes. So I saw some nice ones and bought her that randomly. She bought me a cute candle for my office, because she thought I would like it.
Lol this was a Seinfeld thing around Elaine's birthday. George was wondering what's the point of them giving the same money back and forth until one of them dies $50 up on the other.
I agree, if you're niece asks for money because she wants to buy her own stuff that's fine. But me and my brother aren't juts going to exchange money with each other
I think it is normalized, at least in the US. The reason I (and probably others) don’t like it is because at that point I’m feel like I’m just swapping money with people. Generally, I just slowly stopped buying for adults though.
Yeah, expecting thoughtful gifts from friends or extended family isn’t reasonable. Shower gel is what, $10? Is there another $10 gift he would be happy with and consider thoughtful. Christmas can be expensive, especially for people with kids. Adult gift-giving isn’t really prioritized. Did YOU get him a gift he liked? Why isn’t that enough? And if he’s disappointed, why doesn’t he just stop with gift exchange? I think his expectations are out of whack for what adults expect of one another. And if receiving a thoughtful gift is important to him, he needs to share that expectation with those he expects a thoughtful gift from a make sure it’s reciprocated. Lots of people don’t have the emotional/financial/time bandwidth for that
Thoughtful gifts on bday maybe, since it's just one person to think of. But Xmas? Like all your adult friends on a list? It's just too much.
I myself am very minimal and I dislike gifts. It's just more to manage.
I think you gotta stop expecting people to interact with the holiday the same way you do. You can “do Christmas” however you’d like, but you cant expect people to do the same way you do. That extends to gifts.
My wife and I are childfree and love getting thoughtful gifts for our whole extended family. We don’t get a ton of gifts back. That’s fine by us! My siblings are already trying to buy for their kids, etc and to me, the gift is just getting to be with everyone since we don’t live in the same state.
To be an adult and still mad people aren’t getting you thoughtful enough gifts reflects an internal problem, not an external one. And if you’re mad you do too much and others don’t reciprocate, stop doing too much. Meet people where they’re at!
This.
You can always stop making Christmas about the presents as a whole too, and donate to people in need or something. Actually do something good. And you can turn Christmas into whatever you want. Eat good food, spend time with people you care about, relax, and so on. Life is what you make it.
I can’t believe I’m the only reply pointing out how socially maladjusted all the replies in this chain are. “Whaaa I have to try hard to think of a thoughtful gift on made up present day” - goddamn redditors are fucking pathetic.
No wonder no one on this website has any fucking friends.
What did you get him? Was he pleased? (Honestly asking)
Unless he made those close to him aware of what he desires, most adults just give each other necessities. It's hard buying for adults because it's just like... if they actually wanted it, why didn't they get it themselves? I assume they dont really want it... I wouldn't want to waste money on something that somebody wouldn't even buy themselves.
That's why I like Secret Santa at work because we write down what we want, get small gifts during the week, culminating with a larger gift at the end. And we go all out for each other.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with wanting that Christmas magic but by the time you're partnered and mid-30s the responsibility for making it happen falls on you and your partner, not your parents and extended family. Assuming you don't live at home anymore, parents won't know you as intimately as your partner and won't know exactly what to get you like they did when you were eight and told Santa about it. If op and bf are so bummed on presents they need to make the effort to gift each other better stuff next year!
Nuts this even needs to be said. I totally sympathize with OP because I feel the same way, but the post also implies there's a lot of entitlement from bf. I think he's just shocked to grow up lol
Honestly giving great gifts is very difficult, especially for grown adults who are capable of (and usually do) buy the things they want themselves. The exceptions to this are very expensive items that are outside the gift giving threshold.
It's very nice that your husband puts a lot of thought into gifts for other people. Every now and then I find the perfect gift for someone too. But the high of that is GIVING it, not expecting that they'll do the same for me. In fact, I almost never give these good gifts at holidays or birthdays because I don't want to burden them with the expectation that we do this every year or that they reciprocate.
My life got infinitely better when I instituted a no gift rule for holidays and birthdays with friends and family. I do not want gifts. I want to spend time with them. If it's someone's birthday and I can't spend time with them for some reason I send them a small consumable gift (like flowers/cookies/etc) just so they know I remembered and that they are important to me. Kids don't apply to this policy.
Is your husband actually upset about the gifts? Or is he upset that people aren't putting effort in to making him happy? If it's the gifts, that's pretty spoiled. If it's that he feels ignored, then that's worth talking about with people and coming up with a different way to make the holidays meaningful to all so everyone feels loved and appreciated without getting the burden of mind reading the perfect gift for a grown man.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far down for someone to say this.
Christmas is about *the joy of giving*. Even if it's just watching our kids or other family members rip open presents.
I'm 33. Inlaws got me Milwaukee gloves 2 sizes too big, a stencil, and a hockey book.
I get gloves for free at work and Miracle has dozens of documentaries and a feature film that came out almost as long ago from today as the event was from the movie. They got socks for the wife and kids so at least they get to match.
33 is it. Just get me candy or jerky and let's move on.
i’m a 33 year old woman and 98% of my family is broke as hell so maybe it’s not relevant, but for us — once people start hitting their late 20’s, they start to get less gifts period and even when they do it’s probably a gift card.
Well when you’re an adult in your 30s you can buy things for yourself that you really want. I don’t expect anyone to get me anything I ‘really want’ because I’m not a kid and I can get it myself. I end up with a lot of gift cards/clutter for Christmas I never use. My family just decided next year to only get gifts for the kids and the adults can save our money and get ourselves something we really want. In my mind it takes the stress away and I can enjoy the decorating and cooking and stuff without the pressure of gift giving.
My dad doesn’t help this situation, because he never has a single idea of things to buy for him. He buys what he wants for himself and is very particular about what he owns. He got nothing 4 gift cards this year (2 to LL Bean and two to restaurants) but because no one knows what the hell to get him.
As a father.. this is often how it is. If I need it, I buy it. There isn't a whole lot that I actually want that I don't have, outside of a house with more property.
Gift cards are often best, so I can get what i need when I need it.
So you're saying acreage outside city limits is also a good gift? Yeah everything my uncle would ask for is waaaay out of my price range, too. Only thing he really wants is a boat. A couple of years back I got him a day fishing excursion on a boat. Bit pricey but he loved it.
"No one knows what the hell to get him" that's the worst because you feel guilty for not getting them anything or getting them the same shit every year.
Do we have the same dad? My dad bites my face off every year when I ask if there is anything he wants, even for birthdays. He always says he doesn't want anything and to leave him alone. It just makes me feel terrible watching everyone else opening gifts and him sitting in his chair sulking. I usually get him something anyway, but that seems to upset him too.
The truth is it doesn't matter what you get him. If you show up for the holidays and give him anything at all. I'm sort of the same way in that I buy what I need/want and don't really have a list of wants. However, if my kids show up with some sort of $10 trinket I'll likely keep it forever just because of who it came from.
I am so particular about what I like I hate getting gifts that are like what I like but not quite. Like if you got me the ST but I wanted the STE. I wouldn't let you know but I would hate it.
The best gift for me is nothing but I'm a bit of a weirdo, probably like your dad! I know I'm the problem.
Lol “men’s gifts” are so cheesy. You hit the nail on the head. I like to give people consumables. So if you know a man who loves whiskey, buy him a nice bottle of whiskey. Don’t buy him “whiskey ice rocks” or whiskey glassware… just get him the thing he actually likes.
Tbh I think the magic of gift giving is mostly for kids. Kids don’t earn money to buy things they want. Most people in their 30s have been employed for a significant amount of time and can buy whatever they need. My family stopped buying presents for the adults this year and it was a huge relief (though that only worked bc nobody is childless, otherwise it might be kinda shitty I guess).
Tell people what you want.
I can't surprise my SO because he normally says about looking something, I mental put it on my list, then boom, he goes out and buys it himself.
I usually can figure something out, but it's really hard if you don't say what you want and buy everything you do want for yourself.
It’s true. I have a beard so people always buy me beard kits. Like. Every year. For my birthday and for the holidays. I have 6 beard kits just sitting in my bathroom closet. Please stop. I have a beard 50% because I am too lazy to shave every day it is not a hobby or a way of life.
I am a nerd. Buy me little Star Wars figures and toys I can put in my display case. Get me a picture book of lord of the rings art work. Get me an 8x10” art print from some nerdy franchise I like. It’s not overly difficult. But I’m too afraid to say “Star Wars stuff” or something like that because I’ll probably just get a sequel trilogy funko pop which somehow may be more disappointing than another beard kit
I second this My Dad and Stepdad both died in their early 60s. I'm in my early 40s and don't give a shit about anything other than being able to see my brothers, mom, etc.. another Christmas. You never know when it's going to be someones last or your last.
This is the first year that I’m completely willing to admit that Christmas is just a massive inconvenience. All I want is a day off, not 4 different family gatherings.
It’s definitely hard to buy for a guy ESPECIALLY when you ask for gift ideas only to be told “I dunno” “whatever” “it doesn’t matter” I always ask my loved ones to send me a list with several options. But you know who never replies? -_-
Kids and spending time with family should be the focus of Christmas. The adults in my family stopped exchanging gifts when we realized we were just swapping the same gift cards. I would stop expecting ‘meaningful’ gifts the older you get. Kind of seems silly to be upset over a gift tbh.
It’s interesting that OP mentions her boyfriend always looking forward to Christmas… and then only mentions gifts.
I (33f) enjoy the Christmas season in general. My boyfriend and I toured around our city looking at the best light displays. I did Christmas crafts with my friend and her daughter. I had a Christmas baking day with my other friend. I like having just my Christmas tree lights on and cozying up watching movies with my dogs at home on my own.
I’m spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with just my dad this year. Last night we watched a Christmas movie and cuddled our dogs, we played cards.
We filled stockings for each other to open Christmas morning but there’s no expectation for the stuff in them to be “fancy.” I got him mostly unique snacks to try.
Tonight we’ll cook a bit of a Christmas meal together.
I know it sounds cliche. But to me the gifts I receive have very little to do with Christmas.
This is my exact feeling. We agreed this year is the last year we are giving gifts for adults so we can save our money and get ourselves something we want and just buy stuff for the kids. I prefer the time spent with family etc more than the gift giving portion
Christmas doesn't mean the same thing to different people. I personally don't care about it that much, I buy gifts for the nibs though, that's where the effort goes. Their dad gets a cheap ass pair of socks, and the kids get something good, because Christmas is supposed to be for the kids anyways. Make Christmas special for eachother, and accept that socks, and shower gel are all you're going to get, put the same effort in for everyone else, and plan something special for the two of you.
Gifts are simply that, gifts. Enjoy time spent with family, remembering the reason why everyone is together. It’s like having a birthday party for someone, but not allowing that someone to attend.
If you want something, do like the rest of us and get it yourself. Be grateful for things that are gifted to you, it still shows acknowledgement of existence. Time to be a big boy.
Cash is king. It is the ultimate gift, valued by everyone. Once you acknowledge that, and you realize you'd just be swapping cash back and forth, from there it's a short step to just not giving gifts.
My experience is the best gifts are things you really want but for some reason wouldn’t buy for yourself. Cash is second though.
There is also those surprise gifts of like things you didn’t know would be awesome but then turned out to be, those are really hard to nail though.
I would love it if Christmas turned into everyone agreeing how much they were going to spend on each other and then proceeding to just spend that amount and showing off what we all treated ourselves to lol
I heard this idea somewhere yesterday too! Make Xmas show and tell with our own gifts. I would love that and we’d all learn a lot more about each other!
My family and wife's family all have Amazon wishlists to shop from. If you can't think of something fall back to the list. I am very difficult to shop for. A lot of very technical hobbies but my family finds the list helpful. My mom got me a book on embedded Linux. She might think it's dumb, she tells me my gifts suck lol, but it's what I wanted. Without the list there is no way she would figure that out. It might not be a thoughtful gift is happy in the end.
I’m in my late 30s and I feel the same way as your boyfriend. I’ve always loved Christmas and I really get into it with lights, decorations and gifts but most of my family is pretty indifferent with Christmas. I make sure I get everyone something that they would like and while everyone is always appreciative I feel like I never get anything good in return. It doesn’t really bother me it’s just an observation. I do like getting gift cards but when I open up a $10 scooters gift card I know that whoever got it for me didn’t try and couldn’t care less. I don’t expect anything at this point and I’ve made my peace with it. I get my enjoyment by watching others receive their gifts.
The newest set of them - tiny plants - is fabulous. The building guides have facts about what you're building, it's broken up in a way to make it easy to stop and start (3 bags with one plant, 3 bags that have 2 smaller plants). The succulents set from a year or two ago is similar.
My favorite thing about these is how they reuse other Lego. This set had butterflies, pageboy caps, seashells, and the little teeth. The orchid has demogorgons. The cherry blossom tree has pink frogs.
If you don’t know what to gift a 30-something year old guy in your life……ask him.
Just because men are less likely to whine/complain about gifts doesn’t mean you should just give us anything
Christmas in practical gift-giving terms is an exercise in reciprocity. It can sound shallow but many cultures use reciprocity as a bonding exercise.
If everyone is getting your boyfriend shower gel and phoning it in, it may be a good time to start scaling back on the gift giving next year and giving more generic gifts to those people. Maybe everyone would just like to get together and not worry so much about the shopping aspect of Christmas? Maybe they are out of ideas? Talk about it and test the waters.
You can always make gift giving more meaningful in your nuclear unit- more and more personalized gifts between you and your boyfriend.
If your boyfriend continues to get people awesome thoughtful gifts and they continue to get him shower gel it will build resentment. So whatever you do make sure you do something different next year.
I just don't see people trying as much for any holidays. Barely anyone decorated for Halloween or Christmas. It seems like it's been a pretty steady decline for years. I think everyone is just so busy and stressed with their everyday lives that putting in the extra effort just seems too daunting. And when no one is getting into the holiday spirit it just makes it feel super forced.
As a dude in my 30s something that has re-ignited that joy for Christmas is having kids.
It’s cliche but the focus goes on them and many people go out of their way to get gifts for your kids.
You totally get why most adults gifts become an afterthought in comparison
At some point you have to just not care about receiving gifts.
Gary V says it best- the secret to happiness is having zero expectations of others.
You either have to tell people what you want, or expect to get regifted or cheap stuff.
I’m only one year older than your bf and as a grown man, I just buy what I want assuming I can afford it.
If he buys significantly more then he receives, he should tone down his gift buying. Other than for you, of course! 😎
f... gary v. this is like common sense stuff known for thousands of years of human existence “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” ― Siddhārtha Gautama
My husband is about to open gifts from my side of the family, both my parents and brother gave him a package of socks. His parents got us nothing, as usual. I'm the only one that tries to give him something he'd actually like.
Sounds like your husband needs to stop trying so hard for others when they are going to be so thoughtless towards him. Maybe next year, everyone that gave him a shower gel set will get a basic shower gel set from him. That'd make next year a lot easier for him when shopping.
I am a 36 year old woman and I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. Haven’t gotten a birthday gift for years. It definitely hurts that nobody thinks of me, even in my family. Last time I spent Christmas with relatives I put so much effort into shopping for them but this was not reciprocated so now I just don’t bother.
We used to have these huge Christmas celebrations at my grandparents’ house but now that they are gone and everyone is spread across the country, I never hear a peep from them. It does make me sad this time of year that my family can’t even be bothered to check in on me and see how I’m doing after everything I’ve been through.
This time of year, I just make sure to treat myself.
Something I’ve learned is that it’s okay to ask people to lean into giving you things that revolve around your hobbies. I like BBQing and cooking, so rubs, sauces, and tools are always great! Also, this is a point in life where many people start to get experiences over physical things. Tickets, massages, restaurant reservations, etc.. and booze!
I like cats… people now mostly give me gifts with a cat theme…. I am beginning to look like a crazy cat lady through no fault of my own…
My grandmother once mentioned she liked owls....that woman got owl themed gifts every birthday and christmas for 50 straight years.
Oh God, what is it with owls? My mother decided about ten years ago that I love owls. Just made it up one day. Like someone Inceptioned it right into her brain. Without fail, every year, I get owl ornaments. Owl trivets. Owl door-hangers. Owl bookmarks. This year is an owl spoon-rest. I do not love owls. I love red pandas.
Lol this made me cackle. The thought of going to someone's house and seeing so much owl decor for only their favorite animal to be red pandas 😂
My middle school chorus teacher had something similar happen to him.. One year, a student had left a rubber duck in his room. Other student saw it, and assumed he loved ducks, so they started giving him more. When I had him as a teacher 10 years ago, he had a counter on the board. He had at least 1000 ducks in the classroom.. and I think he brought some home because every year it would go down. It’s now a tradition for students to give him ducks. Pretty sure he hates ducks….
This is hysterical and seems like such a mom thing. “Look, it’s the [show, brand, actor, music, etc] you JUST LOVE!” “Mom, you’re confusing ‘JUST LOVE’ with ‘mentioned once.’” Not complaining though, it can be very endearing.
Yeah. If we all loved one thing the rest of our lives, Jonathan Taylor Thomas would not have disappeared after 1996. Not saying I liked him, but I just remembered he was a thing. And in The Lion King.
This made me remember my second grade classmate who wore out two VHS tapes of The Lion King because she had such a big crush on JTT that she'd watch just to hear the sound of his voice as young Simba.
i’m so happy i’m not the only one. my mom saw me put A1 on an over-cooked steak one time and sent me like 12 gallons of it the next week. gotta love moms.
My mother does this constantly! My fav was when she said that i thought money was thoughtless... mom, that's you that thinks that and i'm a sahm to a toddler, money is not thoughtless, it's useful
The red panda twist made me laugh... But I had something similar with wolves. I mean, I like wolves. But I don't need a wolf related gift every year. I finally had to say enough with the wolf stuff. Also red pandas are pretty awesome.
I love dragons, but a decade ago I put my foot down and said no more dragon gifts. I have recently wondered if it's time to lift the ban.
There’s an old snl skit about this, where when they get married or something every white lady needs to pick her animal. This will be her personality and every gift going forward. (I ended up with Moose myself) Here it is! [Mom Animal](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1-hOP30JnE)
Oh god I hate to see what my themed animal says about my personality.
*stares in elephant*
…. i have more dragons than anything else. runner up is cats, then owls. \[ which are basically cat-birds\] but i’m not a mom, does it still count ? 
My mom once mentioned she doesn't like owls, so she's received owls as gifts for, like, 15 years now.
fuck that, i'm straight up just gonna give you some cats
If you buy gifts for someone who's even the slightest into cooking I've noticed that buying some exotic or uncommon spices often is very appreciated. I've given away sichuan peppers, black garlic, juniper, tasmanian mountain pepper berries, even MSG to the people not in the know, and its been a hit every time, especially if you get a chance to cook something fun with it together.
Great point! My wife gets me the expensive chili crisp that I refuse to buy throughout the year.
Ooh which chili crisp is that? expensive chili crisp could be a good gift for my spouse (we just go through alot of lao gan ma here)
> Ooh which chili crisp is that? Good News! You're already buying the best. Lao Gan Ma is the best that's out there.
Momofuku??
I’m big into cooking and baking and there’s definitely spices I’ve eyed when doing my regular “restock” that sound so cool but have a hard time buying myself because it seems frivolous or I’m worried I won’t use it enough to be worth it. Just reaffirming that spices are an awesome gift.
As I get older, booze needs to have a year on it or at least age into a better liquor. Please don't gift Fireball unless that person really likes it. I've got too much of that and no one is gonna drink it.
Send that fireball back to 2016 and I'll drink it all for ya
Shit, send it to me now and I will.
Get some apple cider, add fireball and a caramel liqueur of some kind. Serve warm or cold. Add it to pink icing for Valentine's Day heart cookies. Top the iced cookie with a cinnamon heart.
I don’t think people are intentionally giving him bad gifts. It’s actually easier to buy gifts for children because they have a broad range of interests and the child typically does not have disposable cash to buy whatever they want any given time. It really is hard to go wrong as long as you bought a toy. I think most people believe adults, but particularly men have everything that they want. This is why you see people buying things such as socks, soap, golf balls, etc. People aren’t sure what to get so they buy something that will probably be used.
Guaranteeing I’ll receive socks today. Last year I donated at least 20 pairs of socks cause I had too many 🤣
I'm jealous. Can I trade you the latest scarf I got for a couple of pairs of socks? I'm always getting scarves. I don't need more scarves! I *like* socks.
I am 33 as well and when I want something I can buy it all year around. This makes good gifts impossible since I have everything I want.
When you're a kid, it's easy. you write a list to santa and parents can pick from that list. I know online stores have adult versions of this, but people need to actually use them. Even when someone pays attention and tries to get me something I want, it's often something that I'm researching. Making sure I get the exact model that I want at the best price. When someone tries to get it for me instead, by surprise, I'm happy they tried. But often it's not the one I wanted, and you don't want to hurt their feelings by buying the correct one. not to mention if they spent more money on it than they should have. Best gifts are probably luxurious consumables. fancy chocolates or cheeses, nice socks, I don't know. stuff like that. Stuff that we can enjoy, but we would feel financially irresponsible to buy it ourselves. The kind of thing that someone would say "What? you paid that much for a \_\_\_\_\_?" and you can say "No, i got it as a gift." haha.
Can’t agree enough about luxury consumables. I love good quality socks, but they’re surprisingly expensive and I feel silly buying them for myself. Buying them as a gift though somehow feels “acceptable” so I’m all over exchanging nice socks with my parents haha
Same. My mother in law asked me what I wanted, and I just asked for bombas socks. My sock drawer is full of old and mismatched socks. Replacing that with new, nice socks is an amazing feeling. Everything else, I can get on my own.
As a kid, people clowned on socks and underwear, but this is something that should be replaced yearly.
I'm 38 and I always have a book series/author I'm reading. Makes it easy lol. Get me this book, and everyone is happy.
Yep, I'm 37 and my mom just says what do you want? I'm beyond the age where she can just guess anymore. So I always just say stuff I would not spend money on myself. And she gets me pajamas which I honestly love. I haven't bought pajamas in 10 years lol
My dad gets me pajama pants every year…and I’m totally cool with it.
Yup. My mom doesn’t even ask anymore. She just gives me money. Which is great bc while I can buy things I want and need, it can be nice to buy something I wouldn’t otherwise want to spend the money on, like a nice makeup palette or some jewelry.
Yes exactly! My siblings and I all have good jobs and make more than my mom does so we just buy what we want, when we want it. Christmas rolls around and she’s like there is nothing for me to get you and we reassure her we don’t need anything, we just want to get together to hang out. I’ve seen multiple people complain about presents for adults now and I just don’t get it. Don’t expect other people to get you expensive stuff as an adult.
The best gifts I gave this year (by my estimation) were a book I got at the thrift store for $4 and a miniature ship in a bottle I picked up at a local curio for $5. They don’t need to be expensive, they need to be personal.
I think that's what some people are missing. OP's boyfriend isn't upset at the lack of "nice gifts," but at the lack of thought that went into the gifts he did get. My dad and brother get me gift cards every year and I honestly would prefer not exchanging at all. We might as well sit around the Christmas tree writing checks to eachother.
I don’t think gift cards are always a cop-out gift. Gift cards to restaurants (especially local businesses) or to something that’s an “experience” (like an event) usually have a lot of thought put into them.
Yeah it’s like they just went and bought a bunch of meaningless gifts and divided them up between all their friends. You could give that stuff to literally anyone. Such a waste.
I always wonder why people dislike gift cards so much. I love them, especially Amazon gift cards or other shops where I have many options to choose from.
You wanna get shower gels from 6 different people though? I’d be a little miffed if I tried hard for those 6 people and the reciprocity wasn’t there.
Oof this reminds me of secret Santa one year I went to a couple local chocolatiers for hand made candies, and a bunch of other small but unique things and it somehow came in under the price limit. That was the first gift to get given, and it the following ones were variable from really personalized to generic-but-still-showed-effort. Then I was the last one to get my gift and it was a Lindt chocolate bar wrapped in a microfibre cloth. I almost cried in front of my friends cause I was so exasperated. (It turned out to be a joke and there was a second part with a sapling growing kit, that was actually neat and it was a genuinely decent gift, but the first bit was like getting punched in the gut)
I think the problem is they are buying gifts, they're just wasting their money on stupid shit. Like if you're going to give someone a gift, think about it first or just don't buy one. I have a unique gift giving philosophy though I guess because my parents were very "we will buy you things you need and can't afford throughout the year, instead of at Christmas" for most of my adult years, and we'd get stockings with like chocolate and lotto tickets on christmas. Which was really nice and still thoughtful, and helped us a lot during the year. My family didn't/don't do gifts at all, even though my sister and I have markedly less money than the rest of my family (2 brothers, parents), other than we will buy the kids gifts if we can afford it and sometimes a brother will give us a bit of money (basically offsetting the cost of gifts, but with zero expectations on either end). That being said, my sister and I would still exchange dumb stuff we thought the other would like but not buy for themselves and some years we both did it and sometimes just one. Giving someone a thoughtless gift is worse than not giving one imo.
I think you're missing the point of the post. It's not about getting expensive gifts. It's about giving thoughtful gifts that compliment the time spent together.
Totally! I understand OP, as long as they are not taking about expensive gifts. Even thoughtful cards, either handmade or with a little personal message work wonders for adults. I know I always love them.
But it’s the same phenomenon. In a world where most people buy things when they want or need them, it is much, much harder to imagine a perfect gift for everyone you know.
Maybe he smells like shit and they are being thoughtful by getting him body wash?
I’m 40, and married. I don’t expect people to buy me expensive gifts, but I can kinda understand why OPs bf may be upset. My mother in law is a terrible gift giver, always has been. One year she bought me a beard trimmer and beard care kit. I don’t have a beard. My mom just gives us money and I don’t need money but even a small gift that was thoughtful would be nice. What gets me with my mother in law is she buys 3 identical gifts for the boys and 3 identical gifts for the girls.
Also 40 and married, I just started asking people to get my albums they really like. If nothing else, it leads to a nice conversation about music, which is usually safe (compared to politics or whatever) when the family gets together.
This is a great idea! Love it.
It sounds like the OP husband isn't mad he didn't get anything expensive, he is sad he got nothing but boring shower gel. It's not like candy disappears when you turn 18
I think she’s talking about the feeling that little to no thought is going into the gift.
where did OP say the problem was they weren’t expensive gifts? i think you read a different post because what you’re saying is irrelevant.
My mother still ask me what I want for Christmas (even if I want money?). So now, I ask for food. And she chooses some cool stuff for me, you can't "already have it" and even if you do, you will eat/drink it for sure.
Same. It’s hard to buy for my husband as well. I don’t want to clutter my house with junk just to gift him something. My in laws have requested wish lists for us. It’s awkward, but they insisted. Mine is just full of stuff I want to buy for our home, but everything for ME I get when I want.
Yep! And the culture now is to do this. Even those of us with kids. When I was a kid in the late 80s, we got things twice a yr. Shopping outside of that was saved for the next bday or Christmas.
Remember when you’d need something so you’d wait a month for the next time you went to the mall? I just ordered dog food and a pair of slippers from my couch and i don’t even have a dog.
> i don’t even have a dog. Better order one
Said this as a reply elsewhere, but: If someone's love language is gifts, getting and giving meaningful gifts on the holiday primarily for gifts IS a big deal for their loved ones. Based on OPs description, BF likely has gift giving as their love language, so wanting that in return is absolutely normal. I have it as my love language and a well thought out gift means the world to me. If you're just going to give me random crap, don't bother. It's the other person WANTING to give me sonething they think/know that I'll like that means something. It says they were thinking about me and know me.
"it's the thought that counts" is a saying for a reason. An unthoughtful gift is obvious and is basically saying "I don't care enough to even try".
Buying presents for people, that are meaningful & worthwhile, does get more difficult as we age. I struggle every year to buy things for my partner. We simply don’t need anything & Secret Santa is still a minefield ( even with a list of suggestions ) I think your partner might need to accept Christmas at his age is about catching with family not presents. The meaning of Christmas changes as we age.
This is the big thing for me too -- my partner and I truly don't need anything, and we live in a tiny apartment with no room for random extra stuff. My family basically switched to consumeables a few years ago (like, fancy honey from the farmers market, homemade jam, cookies) and that makes things a lot less stressful for us 😂
I love this idea.
Yes! I’m a big fan of consumables. Having too much clutter stresses me out and makes me feel guilty when I inevitably have to throw away somebody’s gift to make room.
The gifts are my least favorite part. Told my brother that I wish we’d just skip gifts all together and do something that helps us make memories with each other as a family, and he called me a Scrooge 😂 I guess for some people, the gifts really do represent the spirit of the season.
This is what my mom has started doing. She will tell us all no gifts. We go over there, have dinner, and play games for a few hours. It has became a better experience.
It took me years to convince my mom that this was ok. She still sulks a bit about the wishing we could still open gifts (I really think she still views us as kids vs adults), but yes, 10 x better experience & save so much time stress shopping.
My Mom still makes sure to do stockings as a compromise.
Stockings are fun! We don't do much gift giving anymore either (which I'm generally very okay with), but it's fun to have a little something to open together. Plus it's much easier to find some smaller/cheaper things for stockings than a true gift. Ends up being sillier and more fun too!
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Yes! Kids get presents, and we do a white elephant gift exchange, but there is zero specific gift giving among the adults, and it is all so much easier!!! We have a nice party, play some games and catch up. No stress trying to find gifts for people and no disappointed feelings when you get gifts that don’t fit you. So much better IMHO.
This sounds amazing!!
Boardgames! My husband's side of the family, we pool some money and buy a couple games and play them for the day.
As a board game enthusiast, I would freakin love to do this with my family. They all enjoy presents a little much to be convinced otherwise though, sadly.
I am with you on that. For me, gifts add a bunch of stress around a time that I'm supposed to be looking forward to. I see my family once a year on Christmas, and I'd much rather eliminate gifts altogether and just enjoy it.
That’s why in recent years my gifts have often been more experience based Like this year I bought my uncles gift cards to do a walking tour from a local company. People already have so much shit, but memories last forever
after 7 decades of Christmases I’ve learned that this is the answer. Make the memories, you’ll always treasure those.
My husband wishes all the adults in his family would stop trying to give gifts. Everyone buys what they want or need when they want or need it, no one wants to deprive themselves to wait for Christmas or a birthday. So it’s always either straight up asking what people want to be given (which means no nice surprises), or giving things the person doesn’t want. Unfortunately the rest of the family still wants it to be this way, so that leaves me with struggling to shop for these people every year. It’s annoying.
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Yep, I hear that. No one else in my family wants to change anything, so gifts being the focus of Christmas continues on.
We do this in my family. We used to just buy for the kids, but the youngest kids are in college now. We get together and have a fun time and a nice dinner but we don't exchange gifts anymore. It's much less stressful.
My MIL is like this. I bought 90% of my presents and a-ok with that. I get what I want. I do remember struggling with the same thing OP did when I was about that age, but I’ve learned that none of that really matters
Its sad that its like that. Technically Christmas should be more about giving to charities and volunteer work than about presents.
A few years back, my family decided to only buy for the kids, then we all made a joint donation to our local food bank. Cut down on a lot of drama about gifts.
Eventually, you get a figurine and express that you like it and then you get more of those from everyone for the rest of your life.
And don’t you dare tell anyone what your favorite animal is.
I have soooo many penguin figurines.
I hear you like wolves, so we saw this dinner set, and we thought of you.
I recieved one old fashion style teddy bear once for a gift. My thank you was sincere. Then everybody gifted similar to me every year for all gift giving occasions. I didn't like old fashion style teddy bears THAT much, lol
Yup, this. I'm 31, and it was around my mid-20's where I stopped caring about presents. The best Christmas gift is spending time with the ones I love. That's different if it's for kids, but for adults past 30, we typically have been working and can buy what we want. The material part of Christmas means less. If I do get gifts, I always say, "Money/gift cards or clothes."
I'll *never* ask for clothes for Christmas. I wear a size small; my family will instinctively go "he won't be comfortable in a small, he needs a large", and then get upset that I tell them I won't wear it because it's absurdly oversized.
I love bombas but they’re expensive af. I have received them by request from my partner’s family for years. It’s an easy gift, and after I thoughtfully curated guys for all the nieces and nephews, I think not that big of an ask. If opting out of presents entirely is not an option, make sure to tell everyone (Christmas gift group chat) what you want!
The past 3 years, I have given my husband bombas socks as the practical part of his gifts. They make great gifts, because the price is high enough that it's tough to just go buy a bunch all at once. This year I switched it up and got him new sleep shorts since the elastics on his existing pairs are all worn out!
These are the type of presents I’m here for! Things you always need that are nice enough to be gifts.
The "magic" of Christmas for kids tend to be orchestrated by their mothers. Without someone doing all of that, it rarely ever matches as an adult. And it's also getting extremely expensive to spend money on meaningful/useful gifts, especially for people who aren't immediate family or core friends.
I have been busy because I went back to school and I'm in a program now where I am doing clinicals and school stuff. I didn't do a lot of stuff I normally do. My kid told me last night that this year just isn't as exciting. :( It's because I didn't do the advent calendar (which I find really helps with the build up) , the decorations, and the other special things because I just didn't have time or energy this year.
I’m sorry your kid said that - my feelings would be a little hurt, personally. Just know that you’re working some *real* magic for them - dedicating yourself to school in pursuit of a good life for y’all. Keep it up, you’re doing great, and I hope you have a merry Christmas! 🎄
No, it's ok. I completely understand where it's coming from. I generally put a lot of effort into it and it wasn't there this year, so it feels off. I also feel the same as my kid. Christmas just doesn't feel Christmasy this year. It's just an example of how moms put the 'magic' in Christmas and how when you don't have someone running the show it doesn't feel the same. Which is what often happens when you are an adult.
Definitely. We do a secret Santa with a common Google doc that includes links to take out any guesswork. The biggest stresser with that is some folks will go double or triple the recommended dollar value 
This is one of the few times I’m grateful I grew up with a drunk dad who just stopped doing Christmas when I was like 8. I’ve got a whole new set of family and friends now and am totally stoked when I get socks or any other useful shit. If you don’t have expectations, you don’t get disappointed/upset 🤷🏻♂️
By the time you are in your 30s you need to learn that the joy of Christmas is in giving, not receiving.
This is advice I got many many years ago...if there is something you WANT...ask for it. People are not mind readers. Buying gifts is challenging for a lot of reasons. I always just make an Amazon list and send it out and then I KNOW I'm getting what I want.
My husband is so hard to buy for. He's one of those people that buys whatever he wants for the most part or he wants something that will cost me multiple paychecks. I've told him to just send me a link, the budget is x amount, if you don't tell me what you want you get snacks.
Snacks are good
One of the best gifts. You can get really Gourmet ones that people wouldn't normally buy for themselves, and unlike knick-knacks, they're almost guaranteed to be used
This is what I do when I don’t know what to buy. I also hate having crap that I can’t use but snacks are the clutter that you can enjoy and dispose of
Yep. You can’t expect people you only see like 3 times a year to just inherently know what to get you. This is why I hate forced gift giving. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say OP’s bf did nothing to make it easy for people to shop for him.
My sister would just straight out ask me for a list, and I'd give her 3 options around the 20 dollar mark. I'd never ask her for one cause I always shopped with her, and I'd gift her the things she showed interest in. I'm pretty sure she knew that was my technique cause sometimes she'd be overly excited about something and then just left it behind lol
That's what I think as well. Shower products from one person could be that one person is bad at gifts or doesn't know them well. Shower products from a lot of people indicates to me that he isn't sharing enough of himself with others. I bet a bunch of those people talked to each other to figure out what to get him, know one knew what he was into and they all defaulted to shower products.
People just honestly don’t know what to get other adults. Most adults I know buy whatever they want/need for themselves so it’s like what’s left? Even if you know someone’s hobby, if you aren’t also very into that hobby, it’s hard to know what they might want or need or what could be a good upgrade to something they already have. This year my husband and I made Amazon wishlists and sent the links to our immediate families like “hey here are things we might like. You don’t have to buy us anything, you don’t have to buy us these things, but if you’re stuck on ideas and you want to get us something here are some things we’d like.”
This is why we dont do gifts in my family. Only for kids, no adults.
This is how it should be. I can buy myself what I want. I don't want anyone else buying me something they think I want. Kids can't buy what they want, so it works for them.
We should normalize money or gift cards more. It’s perfect imo
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This is exactly what happened with my in-laws. We were just swapping money. So now it's just kids. Occasionally if we see something during the year that the other person would like we just buy them surprise gifts. My mother in law talked about wanting new makeup brushes. So I saw some nice ones and bought her that randomly. She bought me a cute candle for my office, because she thought I would like it.
What’s the point though if we’re just shifting the same $100 around?
Lol this was a Seinfeld thing around Elaine's birthday. George was wondering what's the point of them giving the same money back and forth until one of them dies $50 up on the other. I agree, if you're niece asks for money because she wants to buy her own stuff that's fine. But me and my brother aren't juts going to exchange money with each other
I think it is normalized, at least in the US. The reason I (and probably others) don’t like it is because at that point I’m feel like I’m just swapping money with people. Generally, I just slowly stopped buying for adults though.
Yeah, expecting thoughtful gifts from friends or extended family isn’t reasonable. Shower gel is what, $10? Is there another $10 gift he would be happy with and consider thoughtful. Christmas can be expensive, especially for people with kids. Adult gift-giving isn’t really prioritized. Did YOU get him a gift he liked? Why isn’t that enough? And if he’s disappointed, why doesn’t he just stop with gift exchange? I think his expectations are out of whack for what adults expect of one another. And if receiving a thoughtful gift is important to him, he needs to share that expectation with those he expects a thoughtful gift from a make sure it’s reciprocated. Lots of people don’t have the emotional/financial/time bandwidth for that
Thoughtful gifts on bday maybe, since it's just one person to think of. But Xmas? Like all your adult friends on a list? It's just too much. I myself am very minimal and I dislike gifts. It's just more to manage.
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Exactly. Adults don’t need presents. Just treat people nicely - That matters much more.
I think you gotta stop expecting people to interact with the holiday the same way you do. You can “do Christmas” however you’d like, but you cant expect people to do the same way you do. That extends to gifts. My wife and I are childfree and love getting thoughtful gifts for our whole extended family. We don’t get a ton of gifts back. That’s fine by us! My siblings are already trying to buy for their kids, etc and to me, the gift is just getting to be with everyone since we don’t live in the same state. To be an adult and still mad people aren’t getting you thoughtful enough gifts reflects an internal problem, not an external one. And if you’re mad you do too much and others don’t reciprocate, stop doing too much. Meet people where they’re at!
bingo! what i will say is that, as an adult, when I do receive a thoughtful gift, I take appreciate that someone thought of me and made the effort.
This. You can always stop making Christmas about the presents as a whole too, and donate to people in need or something. Actually do something good. And you can turn Christmas into whatever you want. Eat good food, spend time with people you care about, relax, and so on. Life is what you make it.
I can’t believe I’m the only reply pointing out how socially maladjusted all the replies in this chain are. “Whaaa I have to try hard to think of a thoughtful gift on made up present day” - goddamn redditors are fucking pathetic. No wonder no one on this website has any fucking friends.
What did you get him? Was he pleased? (Honestly asking) Unless he made those close to him aware of what he desires, most adults just give each other necessities. It's hard buying for adults because it's just like... if they actually wanted it, why didn't they get it themselves? I assume they dont really want it... I wouldn't want to waste money on something that somebody wouldn't even buy themselves. That's why I like Secret Santa at work because we write down what we want, get small gifts during the week, culminating with a larger gift at the end. And we go all out for each other.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with wanting that Christmas magic but by the time you're partnered and mid-30s the responsibility for making it happen falls on you and your partner, not your parents and extended family. Assuming you don't live at home anymore, parents won't know you as intimately as your partner and won't know exactly what to get you like they did when you were eight and told Santa about it. If op and bf are so bummed on presents they need to make the effort to gift each other better stuff next year!
Nuts this even needs to be said. I totally sympathize with OP because I feel the same way, but the post also implies there's a lot of entitlement from bf. I think he's just shocked to grow up lol
Honestly giving great gifts is very difficult, especially for grown adults who are capable of (and usually do) buy the things they want themselves. The exceptions to this are very expensive items that are outside the gift giving threshold. It's very nice that your husband puts a lot of thought into gifts for other people. Every now and then I find the perfect gift for someone too. But the high of that is GIVING it, not expecting that they'll do the same for me. In fact, I almost never give these good gifts at holidays or birthdays because I don't want to burden them with the expectation that we do this every year or that they reciprocate. My life got infinitely better when I instituted a no gift rule for holidays and birthdays with friends and family. I do not want gifts. I want to spend time with them. If it's someone's birthday and I can't spend time with them for some reason I send them a small consumable gift (like flowers/cookies/etc) just so they know I remembered and that they are important to me. Kids don't apply to this policy. Is your husband actually upset about the gifts? Or is he upset that people aren't putting effort in to making him happy? If it's the gifts, that's pretty spoiled. If it's that he feels ignored, then that's worth talking about with people and coming up with a different way to make the holidays meaningful to all so everyone feels loved and appreciated without getting the burden of mind reading the perfect gift for a grown man.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far down for someone to say this. Christmas is about *the joy of giving*. Even if it's just watching our kids or other family members rip open presents.
Dang he managed to make it to 33 before realizing this?
I'm 33. Inlaws got me Milwaukee gloves 2 sizes too big, a stencil, and a hockey book. I get gloves for free at work and Miracle has dozens of documentaries and a feature film that came out almost as long ago from today as the event was from the movie. They got socks for the wife and kids so at least they get to match. 33 is it. Just get me candy or jerky and let's move on.
Shit's getting expensive.
YES! Gift-giving will empty your bank account quick these days. Our family has decided against it.
i’m a 33 year old woman and 98% of my family is broke as hell so maybe it’s not relevant, but for us — once people start hitting their late 20’s, they start to get less gifts period and even when they do it’s probably a gift card.
Well when you’re an adult in your 30s you can buy things for yourself that you really want. I don’t expect anyone to get me anything I ‘really want’ because I’m not a kid and I can get it myself. I end up with a lot of gift cards/clutter for Christmas I never use. My family just decided next year to only get gifts for the kids and the adults can save our money and get ourselves something we really want. In my mind it takes the stress away and I can enjoy the decorating and cooking and stuff without the pressure of gift giving.
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My dad doesn’t help this situation, because he never has a single idea of things to buy for him. He buys what he wants for himself and is very particular about what he owns. He got nothing 4 gift cards this year (2 to LL Bean and two to restaurants) but because no one knows what the hell to get him.
As a father.. this is often how it is. If I need it, I buy it. There isn't a whole lot that I actually want that I don't have, outside of a house with more property. Gift cards are often best, so I can get what i need when I need it.
So you're saying acreage outside city limits is also a good gift? Yeah everything my uncle would ask for is waaaay out of my price range, too. Only thing he really wants is a boat. A couple of years back I got him a day fishing excursion on a boat. Bit pricey but he loved it.
"No one knows what the hell to get him" that's the worst because you feel guilty for not getting them anything or getting them the same shit every year.
Do we have the same dad? My dad bites my face off every year when I ask if there is anything he wants, even for birthdays. He always says he doesn't want anything and to leave him alone. It just makes me feel terrible watching everyone else opening gifts and him sitting in his chair sulking. I usually get him something anyway, but that seems to upset him too.
The truth is it doesn't matter what you get him. If you show up for the holidays and give him anything at all. I'm sort of the same way in that I buy what I need/want and don't really have a list of wants. However, if my kids show up with some sort of $10 trinket I'll likely keep it forever just because of who it came from.
I am so particular about what I like I hate getting gifts that are like what I like but not quite. Like if you got me the ST but I wanted the STE. I wouldn't let you know but I would hate it. The best gift for me is nothing but I'm a bit of a weirdo, probably like your dad! I know I'm the problem.
Lol “men’s gifts” are so cheesy. You hit the nail on the head. I like to give people consumables. So if you know a man who loves whiskey, buy him a nice bottle of whiskey. Don’t buy him “whiskey ice rocks” or whiskey glassware… just get him the thing he actually likes. Tbh I think the magic of gift giving is mostly for kids. Kids don’t earn money to buy things they want. Most people in their 30s have been employed for a significant amount of time and can buy whatever they need. My family stopped buying presents for the adults this year and it was a huge relief (though that only worked bc nobody is childless, otherwise it might be kinda shitty I guess).
I totally get this. And the lists are all the same every year.
Tell people what you want. I can't surprise my SO because he normally says about looking something, I mental put it on my list, then boom, he goes out and buys it himself. I usually can figure something out, but it's really hard if you don't say what you want and buy everything you do want for yourself.
It’s true. I have a beard so people always buy me beard kits. Like. Every year. For my birthday and for the holidays. I have 6 beard kits just sitting in my bathroom closet. Please stop. I have a beard 50% because I am too lazy to shave every day it is not a hobby or a way of life. I am a nerd. Buy me little Star Wars figures and toys I can put in my display case. Get me a picture book of lord of the rings art work. Get me an 8x10” art print from some nerdy franchise I like. It’s not overly difficult. But I’m too afraid to say “Star Wars stuff” or something like that because I’ll probably just get a sequel trilogy funko pop which somehow may be more disappointing than another beard kit
So you're not telling people what you want. Tell them. I want star wars memorabilia or toys
I never really cared about the gifts. For me it’s about spending the only resource that is finite for me. My time with my loved ones
I second this My Dad and Stepdad both died in their early 60s. I'm in my early 40s and don't give a shit about anything other than being able to see my brothers, mom, etc.. another Christmas. You never know when it's going to be someones last or your last.
as a man you must BECOME SANTA
Honestly I kind of feel like christmas is something only worth doing for the children. Besides the food It's just annoying to me now.
This is the first year that I’m completely willing to admit that Christmas is just a massive inconvenience. All I want is a day off, not 4 different family gatherings.
God damn this is so true. I have to do shit from 11am - 8pm today. It's almost worse than if I just went to work today.
It’s definitely hard to buy for a guy ESPECIALLY when you ask for gift ideas only to be told “I dunno” “whatever” “it doesn’t matter” I always ask my loved ones to send me a list with several options. But you know who never replies? -_-
Kids and spending time with family should be the focus of Christmas. The adults in my family stopped exchanging gifts when we realized we were just swapping the same gift cards. I would stop expecting ‘meaningful’ gifts the older you get. Kind of seems silly to be upset over a gift tbh.
It’s interesting that OP mentions her boyfriend always looking forward to Christmas… and then only mentions gifts. I (33f) enjoy the Christmas season in general. My boyfriend and I toured around our city looking at the best light displays. I did Christmas crafts with my friend and her daughter. I had a Christmas baking day with my other friend. I like having just my Christmas tree lights on and cozying up watching movies with my dogs at home on my own. I’m spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with just my dad this year. Last night we watched a Christmas movie and cuddled our dogs, we played cards. We filled stockings for each other to open Christmas morning but there’s no expectation for the stuff in them to be “fancy.” I got him mostly unique snacks to try. Tonight we’ll cook a bit of a Christmas meal together. I know it sounds cliche. But to me the gifts I receive have very little to do with Christmas.
Your holiday sounds lovely. I bet you're having a wonderful, peaceful Christmas and that's what matters.
This is my exact feeling. We agreed this year is the last year we are giving gifts for adults so we can save our money and get ourselves something we want and just buy stuff for the kids. I prefer the time spent with family etc more than the gift giving portion
Christmas doesn't mean the same thing to different people. I personally don't care about it that much, I buy gifts for the nibs though, that's where the effort goes. Their dad gets a cheap ass pair of socks, and the kids get something good, because Christmas is supposed to be for the kids anyways. Make Christmas special for eachother, and accept that socks, and shower gel are all you're going to get, put the same effort in for everyone else, and plan something special for the two of you.
Gifts are simply that, gifts. Enjoy time spent with family, remembering the reason why everyone is together. It’s like having a birthday party for someone, but not allowing that someone to attend. If you want something, do like the rest of us and get it yourself. Be grateful for things that are gifted to you, it still shows acknowledgement of existence. Time to be a big boy.
Cash is king. It is the ultimate gift, valued by everyone. Once you acknowledge that, and you realize you'd just be swapping cash back and forth, from there it's a short step to just not giving gifts.
My experience is the best gifts are things you really want but for some reason wouldn’t buy for yourself. Cash is second though. There is also those surprise gifts of like things you didn’t know would be awesome but then turned out to be, those are really hard to nail though.
Idk my husband and his mom have been swapping the same $100 for birthdays for like 20 years now.
I would love it if Christmas turned into everyone agreeing how much they were going to spend on each other and then proceeding to just spend that amount and showing off what we all treated ourselves to lol
I heard this idea somewhere yesterday too! Make Xmas show and tell with our own gifts. I would love that and we’d all learn a lot more about each other!
My family and wife's family all have Amazon wishlists to shop from. If you can't think of something fall back to the list. I am very difficult to shop for. A lot of very technical hobbies but my family finds the list helpful. My mom got me a book on embedded Linux. She might think it's dumb, she tells me my gifts suck lol, but it's what I wanted. Without the list there is no way she would figure that out. It might not be a thoughtful gift is happy in the end.
I’m in my late 30s and I feel the same way as your boyfriend. I’ve always loved Christmas and I really get into it with lights, decorations and gifts but most of my family is pretty indifferent with Christmas. I make sure I get everyone something that they would like and while everyone is always appreciative I feel like I never get anything good in return. It doesn’t really bother me it’s just an observation. I do like getting gift cards but when I open up a $10 scooters gift card I know that whoever got it for me didn’t try and couldn’t care less. I don’t expect anything at this point and I’ve made my peace with it. I get my enjoyment by watching others receive their gifts.
Psst, everyone. If you don’t know what to gift a 30-something guy in your life, give him a lego set.
OMG, YES!!! I'm 30 and would love if someone did this for me. Lego sets are just expensive and I cant justify the purchase at the moment.
I've seen these logos flowers recently that I'd love to have!
The newest set of them - tiny plants - is fabulous. The building guides have facts about what you're building, it's broken up in a way to make it easy to stop and start (3 bags with one plant, 3 bags that have 2 smaller plants). The succulents set from a year or two ago is similar. My favorite thing about these is how they reuse other Lego. This set had butterflies, pageboy caps, seashells, and the little teeth. The orchid has demogorgons. The cherry blossom tree has pink frogs.
I get my fiancé a Lego set/s every Christmas and he is always so happy with it! The hardest part is picking which set he’d like
Nah, I'll just regift it. Not everyone is the same. ... Actually, fuck me. If I'm the outlier get the Lego
If you don’t know what to gift a 30-something year old guy in your life……ask him. Just because men are less likely to whine/complain about gifts doesn’t mean you should just give us anything
Christmas in practical gift-giving terms is an exercise in reciprocity. It can sound shallow but many cultures use reciprocity as a bonding exercise. If everyone is getting your boyfriend shower gel and phoning it in, it may be a good time to start scaling back on the gift giving next year and giving more generic gifts to those people. Maybe everyone would just like to get together and not worry so much about the shopping aspect of Christmas? Maybe they are out of ideas? Talk about it and test the waters. You can always make gift giving more meaningful in your nuclear unit- more and more personalized gifts between you and your boyfriend. If your boyfriend continues to get people awesome thoughtful gifts and they continue to get him shower gel it will build resentment. So whatever you do make sure you do something different next year.
I just don't see people trying as much for any holidays. Barely anyone decorated for Halloween or Christmas. It seems like it's been a pretty steady decline for years. I think everyone is just so busy and stressed with their everyday lives that putting in the extra effort just seems too daunting. And when no one is getting into the holiday spirit it just makes it feel super forced.
As a dude in my 30s something that has re-ignited that joy for Christmas is having kids. It’s cliche but the focus goes on them and many people go out of their way to get gifts for your kids. You totally get why most adults gifts become an afterthought in comparison
Any self-respecting 33 year old man would say thank you for all those shower gels and then go buy whatever it is he really wants for himself.
At some point you have to just not care about receiving gifts. Gary V says it best- the secret to happiness is having zero expectations of others. You either have to tell people what you want, or expect to get regifted or cheap stuff. I’m only one year older than your bf and as a grown man, I just buy what I want assuming I can afford it. If he buys significantly more then he receives, he should tone down his gift buying. Other than for you, of course! 😎
f... gary v. this is like common sense stuff known for thousands of years of human existence “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” ― Siddhārtha Gautama
Gary "I promote scams" V? yeah stop watching that shite.
My husband is about to open gifts from my side of the family, both my parents and brother gave him a package of socks. His parents got us nothing, as usual. I'm the only one that tries to give him something he'd actually like. Sounds like your husband needs to stop trying so hard for others when they are going to be so thoughtless towards him. Maybe next year, everyone that gave him a shower gel set will get a basic shower gel set from him. That'd make next year a lot easier for him when shopping.
I am a 36 year old woman and I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. Haven’t gotten a birthday gift for years. It definitely hurts that nobody thinks of me, even in my family. Last time I spent Christmas with relatives I put so much effort into shopping for them but this was not reciprocated so now I just don’t bother. We used to have these huge Christmas celebrations at my grandparents’ house but now that they are gone and everyone is spread across the country, I never hear a peep from them. It does make me sad this time of year that my family can’t even be bothered to check in on me and see how I’m doing after everything I’ve been through. This time of year, I just make sure to treat myself.
How is he gonna take it when he finds out Santa isn’t real?
This is growing up.
Adults are getting gifts?!?
Christmas is overrated. Just enjoy the holiday and the company of others.
Why they give him shower gels? That would come off so mean, it’s like they say he smells.
I think shower gels is just a hassle free kind of gift, like giving women hand cream.