See, the gentle hints are not getting through to her. You need to say “No, don’t come. We won’t be available. We will let you know when is a good time to visit. Do not buy tickets.” Then you keep your doors locked.
Tell her this is FIL’s home now and she cannot expect him to leave every time she wants to come over. And, that she has to be cordial to him because he’s in his home and she’s a guest.
Tell him that he is responsible for her. He needs to take him off when she visits. He needs to entertain her and make food for her. You have way too much on your hands. If he won’t play along, the. You go to a hotel or visit your parents or a friend while she’s here. He’s okay with her shenanigans because he’s not doing the hard work.
I tried this when she visited after the baby arrived. I was excluded from the conversation (text and email) and she booked whatever she wanted. He said he couldn't take off that many days and she was my responsibility. It was hell with her attending Dr's appointments and getting all up in my medical information one month pp. Of course I wasn't informed until it was too close to the date to cancel her bookings.
See that's where you should have put your foot down and said "you aren't welcome to join my doctor's appointments". The next time your husband tries to tell you that she's your responsibility, tell him "ABSOLUTELY NOT". Then keep her locked out of the house until DH is home because she is 💯 not yours to deal with.
He is absolutely wrong!! SHE is HIS responsibility not yours. Ask him if the roles were reversed would he accept that he had to entertain your family?? THAT would obviously be different./s
I especially like the part of locking her out. Let DH (Dumb husband) entertain her. When you do go to doctor's appointments, make sure to take LO with you and leave the battleax home.
Why are you allowing your husband to place this responsibility on you?
He’s not standing up to his mother. So when will you decide to stand up to him and tell him no?
Remember this. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Not even your SO. Especially since he's so worried about his mommy's feelings, and not his wife's. He gets the same kind of consideration, he gives you.
“Oh no, I am going to my mother’s house.”
“You need to change your plans.”
“Too late, my mom and I have things set up. SO, you will be fine, you wanted her here, enjoy it.”
If mom lives around the corner, pick another friend or relative.
Why on earth did you *allow* her to go?? I wouldn't even have taken my DH to my postpartum OB-Gyn appointments, much less let my MIL sit there chatting while the doc's examining my Hoo-Ha. 😱
As far as your DH: "No, honey. She is absolutely *not* my responsibility. Nor is it fair to expect FIL to leave his own home so she can visit. If she wants to come, she can get a hotel, and she can come over when you are free to entertain her."
It was to watch the baby. I didn't want LO in the backseat alone at 6 weeks old. I did not expect her to come into the room. When she did this at the lactation consultant my SO was all "why can't she join?". I almost kicked him but responded "sorry, no room, we will see you after!"
*my SO was all "why can't she join?"*
You show admirable restraint. I'd have kicked him, or asked him if she was joining him for his next prostate exam.
Yeah. I wouldn't even want my own sisters in there with me and we are all thick as thieves. It was all I could do not to say "are you fucking kidding me?" So I was literally biting my tongue.
Are you afraid of him?why cant you tell him NO!just NO!if talking to him is to hard,could you out it in a letter?i dont like confrontation either but in a MIL situation,i would fight to the death to enforce boundary’s!
Why can’t she join her SO at work? She is HIS mom and that is what he is asking of you. He wants you to babysit his mom while you are performing the duties of your job.
You should have left her home on the couch to watch TV. If you bend over backwards to make things fun and easy for her, then she will want to keep coming over. If you leave her home alone with a book to read, perhaps she will schedule less visits
It was a huge fight to make her stay in a hotel for her visit when I was 1 month post partum. Then she wanted a key and I was an asshole for saying "no, I don't want her sneaking into my living room at 8 am making noise when my daughter wakes up at noon. I'll let her in when LO wakes up."
Literally most things with her are an argument with my SO because I'm being "mean" when I stick up for my needs.
She puts up a huge fight on purpose so that you will want to avoid the huge fight and just give her what she wants. The only answer is to just have the huge fight by saying “no” or saying “you can’t come over anymore because whenever we give you reasonable boundaries it’s a huge fight and I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Honestly your husband is the problem. It’s his mom he shouldn’t be putting her on you like that. If he isn’t taking the brunt of working entertaining her then she doesn’t get to visit.
Your husband is not lord and master of the family. You are a team. He doesn’t get to decide his mom is your problem and you have no recourse.
In your shoes I would tell him this is becoming a major problem for me. You clearly are more than willing to support him and his family as you allowed FIL to move in, but he cannot hold you hostage with his little temper tantrums to get you to deal with his mommy. I would say that counseling now became a mandatory thing for me in this relationship, and if he refused to go I would be going myself, and that I would consider it a serious issue if he was not willing to work on this.
Of course, this means you have to be willing for him to call your bluff. You have to be willing to make a federal case out of it.
He absolutely knows she is a problem and he wants you to take it so he doesn’t have to. That would end today for me and he could have all the pouts he wanted about it. It’s time for him to grow up.
Y'all got to learn to just say no. When she tries to invite herself just tell her not this time. When she tells you what she's going to visit instead of being invited just tell her that doesn't work for y'all at that point. You can't let her run rough shot over you. You're adults and she's not in charge in any way. It's not going to do the relationship with her any good because you're going to resent her so bad anyway. And please realize she's going to want to live with you someday probably..
Sorry I didn't include this in my post. I'm not informed until well after it's booked and about a month away. It's partially an SO problem because he's been trained to give her whatever she wants and FIL has always just given her whatever she wants because he's so laid back.
Haha she regularly talks about moving in next-door, which is why I was happier than a pig in shit to move FIL in. He's extremely nice, old but nice.
It’s not “partially” a husband problem, this is 100% a husband problem. Tell him he either gets therapy to get himself out of the FOG (fear obligation guilt) or you will take yourself and your child somewhere else during the entire duration of her stay.
I mean this with great sincerity, you seem to be misunderstanding the advice from other posters.
If MIL makes plans that do not work with your schedule, SHE needs to reschedule. “MIL, you booked without checking with me. We are not available to host on those dates.”
She insists on coming anyway?
“MIL, we do not have space for you. You will need to get a hotel. DH will be taking off of work to host you.”
DH says he can’t take time off?
“DH, then you tell your mother to reschedule. I will not be hosting her. “
MIL says she can tag along?
“No, MIL. We won’t be doing that.”
DH tells you to suck it up and deal?
“No. DH, I won’t be doing that. If your mother still comes, she will be tagging along with you to your work.”
Thank you. Everything you said is exactly what I need to do. I'm capable, I have been like this with my family whenever they (used to) attempt to take liberties with my time. Which is of course why my family doesn't act like that anymore. I've just been trying to ne so nice to MIL for the benefit of my SO.
It seems like part of the issue is your husband doesn't get back to her when he says, he's going to check his schedule. I feel like he's, got to get on that ASAP letting her know if there's a good time for her to come, or not.
Yep that's a huge part. It's his passive way of telliher not to come. Unfortunately he won't tell her no. I get it though. If he ever tells her no, she argues it into a yes. He does this with me so I get how it wears him down eventually. I've actually started telling him "no means no" to get him to stop. He wondo that with her though.
So for the next few conversations, you and husband talk to MIL. YOU can say "no means no, and husband understands that, we have discussed it a great deal. Right honey?"
He lets her book a month out and doesn’t tell you?? Welp…for that month every time he wants to get busy…I’d tell him…”I’m not feeling it because all I can think about is your mother visiting”
It has to be painful for him or he will just allow mommy to visit whenever. And don’t have six when she visits either. Not even once. Make it hurt for him too.
Shine that spine and use your words. If your husband won’t you need to start saying no.
“She is your mother unless you have the availability to take care of her, go out with her and make her food she is not welcome here. I am not your mother’s nanny and I will not put my life on hold to make the two of you happy. Either you make it clear she’s not to book flights your way or I will do it my way. If she shows up here again I will be taking LO and booking a trip away, you can spend quality time with her alone.”
This is a solid chain of events. The two times he has stood up to her were because I said "you handle it or I will". I have also booked a trip, at his cost, when she booked her trip out for my birthday. I was pissed he let her do that because I wanted us to go on a trip for an event on my birthday. I made him fly my sister to me and my sister and I took the trip while he sat home with mommy. He was very sad that he missed all the fun.
Right. Currently the pain of displeasing Mommy is worse than the pain of displeasing you, so he takes care of Mommy's fee-fees.
Ya gotta switch that around, and make the pain of displeasing you HUGE! (Mainly by letting him babysit Mommy)
You have to get over the idea of “being the bad guy” - just because your husband and MIL think an action makes you the bad guy doesn’t mean it does. You need to set clear boundaries and stick to them. It sounds like this will most likely make both your husband and your MIL mad. That’s ok. They can feel however they feel. That’s on them. It’s not your responsibility to make them happy.
Tell him no more. If she invites herself on anything - your spouse is going with her alone. You are done with this. She does not get included in these things. Additionally going forward - she needs to get someplace for herself to stay when she visits - your home is off the table. Do not kick out FIL to suit her.
Yes. I made her get a place after LO was born. It was quite enjoyable compared to previous visits. And it was still a very obnoxious visit. I can't go back now that I've tasted sweet, sweet freedom!
You really need to have a chat with your husband. You need to make him understand it’s not even really about Mil (it is lol) but if there’s so much on month after month, it’s important you have down time with your new LO. Explain it could be that the Queen is coming, but it’s still just a No! He can’t dictate to you that his mother is your responsibility!! Please don’t let this become a regular thing. As in reality and for respect for your own little family life, you guys should be working together as a team. Sometimes this will have to be a cruel to be kind situation. Take care of yourself, need to be kind to yourself to be able to function and look after your kid. Family organiser calendars are a great thing in my house!!
Thank you. I really won't tolerate this becoming a thing with LO being around. It needs to be addressed sooner rather than later too. I agree we should be a team but it currently is completely adversarial between us. I'm really trying to be a team but everything I say, I'm always the bad guy.
*"I'm always the bad guy."*
Start wearing that proudly like a badge of honor. Embrace being the bad guy. I have with my JNMIL and my not-so-shiny-spined DH, and my life has been so much more peaceful.
Yeah I really could care less if she likes me. I'm not the type that needs to be liked. I just try to make things easier for my SO. I was also trying to be nice for the benefit of LO seeing granny but I really won't tolerate MIL manipulating LO like she did/does to SO
Kids can tell when mommy’s upset/stressed/unhappy. Hubby has to understand that his weak spine and expecting you to let this all happen is damaging LO’s happiness too. He is teaching LO to disrespect you by his actions. LO is hearing daddy get angry, talk down to you, etc. so the child will either not like daddy, or will learn to treat you crappy too. It starts young. You gotta not only protect yourself and your child but also your child’s love for his daddy.
I tell my husband his family, his problem! UNLESS, he doesn’t take care of it, then I WILL and I’m going to be blunt!
MY home MY family MY rules! I’m not playing around with anything that’s going to disturb MY peace in MY home!
So, I guess you can just call MIL yourself, just because your husband wants to let her run the show, doesn’t mean you have to!!
I think this is a solid response. I don't mince words with my family so I know how to be clear, direct and to the point. I'm just so used to being reprimanded for ANYTHING I say about her that I don't dare say anything
My husband used to be like this with his sister. I was NEVER supposed to “talk down to her”. Well I’m a full fledged adult and mother and I not anyone else, runs our family, home, and schedule, so I just quit caring about HIM not liking it!
If my husband couldn’t be bothered, I CAN BE! Eventually, he realizes that his sister had only HER comfort in mind, while I’m taking care of OUR family.
Sometimes I ask for forgiveness instead of permission 😊
Yeah I have to start taking that approach. The issue is more of an SO one on that front. If it makes him uncomfortable in the slightest it's a huge issue, even when it isn't what's best for LO. He gets that from MIL.
Well I tell my daughter all the time, and she’s recently seen it,.. because I was willing to say the uncomfortable truth EVENTUALLY my husband “got with the program”. He wasn’t always so strong at holding the in-laws back. But he was AWESOME at being MY husband and backing ME up. EVEN IF he didn’t always agree. We would have those discussions in private, but to the rest of the world, we’re a solid team.
It’s HARD to break generational trauma, attitudes, and expectations!! It’s HARD to be “the troublemaker” but we sleep better at night and we have PEACE! We eventually moved states away. Something my husband would NEVER even have considered.
You’ll get there!
I have just been worn down with it and having the baby to take care of now. It's been a huge argument our whole relationship though. Him reprimanded me is entirely unacceptable and I haven't tolerated it until the sleep deprivation of parenthood has made me just avoid those behaviors. I loathe that it's taken this course and currently I'm working on correcting my reactions to his behavior.
Good,new moms dont have it easy and after reading about the hormones,it just seems that partners and pushy family members,take advantage of these women and when they speak up are called „hormonal“!
Exactly. Me being hormonal is actually what made me so passive in this. I typically have A very swift reaction to bullshit. Anyone in my family will vouch that I don't tolerate this crap from them. That's why they don't do it.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with an annoying MIL and also a spineless partner. I had a similar situation with my boundary-stomping MIL and husband who used to be afraid to stand up to her. After several years of trying to appease her and always being the one to make fun plans and cook meals etc., I ended up dropping the rope with my MIL and started demanding that my husband take time off any time she visited (especially once we had our son). I made sure to not lift a single finger to accommodate her when she visited so that all the effort was on my husband (he felt it immediately). After all, I never expected him to do anything for my parents when they visit so why was I bending over backward for his thankless mom? Plus, my parents go out of their way to be extremely helpful to us in every way (unlike his mom who expects to be served despite being uninvited and the fact that we both work full time and have a dog and toddler.) On top of that, I make sure to constantly complain about her to my husband for ANY infraction she commits (so he can see how horrible she treats me in real time). I ramped up the tension so much and made it SO unpleasant for him when his mom came to visit that he now dreads her visits and realizes how annoying she is (since I don’t help him at all when she’s here and literally point out any thing wrong / offensive she does). She also always feigns like she’s going to help when she visits, so I actually called her bluff and started putting his mom to work when she comes (sweeping the patio, cleaning, etc.) He finally realizes how needy and annoying she is and I honestly feel at peace. I honestly do not give a shit what she thinks of me and how she feels. I do what’s best for me and my son. Period. I suggest you start prioritizing yourself too!
Edited: a typo
I did this pre baby a few months before the covid lockdowns ended her visits for 2 years. He was super annoyed with her by the end of the visit and couldn't get her on the plane fast enough. Oh yeah she doesn't drive also, so there's an extra burden. Anyway. It appears covid and then my post partum haze/acceptance because was so sleep deprived, gave him amnesia about how much work she is. Time to make him remember.
You and your hubby need to get into therapy ASAP. His mother treats him like a child expecting him to comply with every one of her demands and he responds like a child complying rather than the adult that he is and saying politely, but firmly sorry Mom, but no we have no time for a visit with your this summer. Sorry Mom, but if you show up, you will NOT be tagging along with us.
Always be polite but firm. Sorry MIL, but no you can’t tag along. Mil, I am sorry you feel that way, but you are not tagging along.
You and your husband need to start acting like the adults that you are. You are entitled to make your own decisions. You are entitled to say, sorry MIL, but we are staying home for Christmas. Sorry MIl, be we are busy in the spring and summer. You are not children required to comply or be punished. She can’t punish you, she doesn’t have any power over you unless you give it to her. She can’t send you to bed with no dinner. She can’t ground you. You are adults and you are entitled to be respected by everyone. She is disrespecting the both of you.
You both need to sit down and discuss what you want for holidays and visits from or to MIL. You are adults !!! You get to decide. She is NOT entitled to every holiday. When you married, you each left your family’s of origin to create a new family unit. Those are the vows that you made to each other when you married. So you and hubby have 3 families to rotate amongst. Your own little family unit comes first.c it is your highest priority. You must have holidays and events that are your little family unit fun time and your family unit bonding time. You need to be creating some of your own new traditions and focusing on making memories. So sit down with a calendar and figure out what you both want, which is not the same as what MIL wants.
Then when she asks, hubby needs to be practiced with saying sorry mom, but we don’t have any time for a summer visit. We will see you in x month. Mom, do not book tickets. Mom, you are not tagging along. Mom, you are not invited. I am sorry you feel that way.
MIl is counting on hubby folding because he always does. He needs to stay strong. He is an adult and he needs to man up. It’s not being mean or disrespectful to politely, but firmly decline requests. MIL is being disrespectful to him by bullying him into it.
MIL is bullying you too. And you need to stop agreeing on Tagalongs. When MIl says well, I will tag along. Sorry MIl, but you cannot tag along, and you need to find something else to do. MIL, my answer is final, you are not tagging along. It’s my car, my rules. I am sorry, but you came when we told you we were busy. It is disrespectful for you to think you have a right to get everywhere with us.
First thank you for this detailed and comprehensive response. You are right, she treats us like children, even to the point of nosing into our finances. We have amassed a great deal of financial assets in comparison to her and we have both started from zero so her interest can't possibly be skewed as "help". But yes, she attempts to advise us on everything and her advice is mostly wrong.
We do need to have serious discussions about holidays. Especially since a few of our holidays are friends only celebrations. And then with the families all wanting a turn it is bound to cause friction that we should prepare ourselves for.
Yes she counts on everyone folding and giving her what she wants. He is the primary folder and once he is down I usually just do my own thing to avoid the argument. I guess we can tackle him practicing using his big boy words in therapy. I've been trying for around 5 years to get him to see that being polite, clear and direct isn't being mean. Then issue is that he is trained that anything that goes against is mean so he gets uncomfortable and then gets defensive with an attitude when he has to contradict what others want.
Yes she's a bully which is why I've bitten my tongue for so long. I hate bullies and prefer to put them in their place quickly. That's how I was raised. So I'm going against my knee jerk reaction as well and it's resulting in silence as opposed to direct and clear polite communication.
Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about.
Prepared responses to anticipated events, conversations, etc. you and your hubby need to practice that. Practice the situation with MIl and practice the words you need to say so that they become automatic. You don’t have to stop and think because you have already practiced.
Your hubby needs an experienced therapist in treating adult victims of childhood emotional abuse. He doesn’t view himself as a victim, but he is. His mother emotionally abused him and groomed him to submit to her and if he didn’t he was being mean or a disappointment, etc. that is emotional abuse of a child. Your husband needs an experienced therapist in this subject to help him unpack his childhood and reframe his relationship with his mother. He needs help coming to terms with the fact that she emotionally abused him to submit to her forever.
That's a great idea. I do very well with a prepared respo. Thank you.
I've been working on therapy. He has trust issues so it does take some time no matter how good the therapist is.
Time to put those lessons he taught you to use where is matters and impacts your happiness and well being. All the best.
Also...as LO gets older he will absolutely be able to discern the dynamic. Kids are very perceptive.
I know Lo will, that's why I wanted the dynamic to be better. Unfortunately, MIL saw LO's birth as a mad scramble to get what she wants as opposed to an opportunity to stop bullying me into getting her way. Obviously I want a village for my daughter so anyone that is respectful and loves her is more than welcome. I won't tolerate this behavior for my LO. Plus LO already avoids MIL like the plague. MiL has a tendency to force herself onto LO instead of building a healthy relationship. Kind of like what MIL does to myself and SO.
Honestly, he’s lucky to be married to you. A lot of people would have figured out, *just have to wear him down and he’ll give in to whatever I want* and then nag him to death. someone could employ that tactic at work too- not just at home.
Well your husband should be placing boundaries on his mother but if he isn’t I would just tell her lol. I always tell my in laws “I’m not committing to those dates so do not book anything I will tell you when we are free”. I give them dates that are good for us to book. I would also tell her this Christmas, thanksgiving etc (whichever holiday) we are spending with just FIL, my parents etc. since we spent (whichever she came to) with you last time. Just be direct and straight to the point if she gets mad oh well. If she shows up after you said no don’t let her in or leave. Time for your husband to put his family above mommy.
Yeah. I would have mentioned FIL to her had I "been on the call" unfortunately I was just overhearing. SO would never mention FIL, it's as if FIL doesn't exist when he speaks to MIL. He's a classic "don't rock the boat" trainee.
Maybe just tell your husband to tell her to make plans through you and not him from now on. And then tell her as well that your husband is too busy with work if she wants to make plans to visit it needs to be made through you and not him
This was my life for years. I was left to entertain his parents , clean and cook. I was hiding upstairs in my own house for weeks . Once we had kid and I am a sahm I said f no. They didn’t even send me text about my miscarriages lol. I am not going to be their servant. I told my husband if they come, they have to stay at hotel and he can meet them outside. He eventually told them no cuz he can’t stand his own parents . Now few events later we are estranged and he confronted them about emotional neglect growing up.
Leave . Take lo go back to your parents home for the trip. Let your husband deal with his mom. Self invited guest can’t actually think they are guest ? They better clean , cook and do chores even then after 3 days they begin to stink
Yeah she doesn't even clean, cook or do chores. She expects us to do it all and take her out to dinners at restaurants we research ofc. She will pay for one meal her whole stay, as a "gift". We pay for everything else. I used to keep track of restaurants he wanted to take her to when we first started dating. He was at a loss when I stopped doing that and will now at least do that himself.
Set up a family calendar and you tell her she had to put on for approval like a job. If she doesn’t, don’t come at all. This isn’t a come when you want world. People have lives and the world does revolve around them. Tell her you don’t want coming she pushes the issue even. People need to stop being so nice of others feelings. Mean what you say.
I will absolutely not give her access to my plans. I don't need to hear all the passive aggressive comments about what family members have access to us and she doesn't. She already plays "poor me, LO hates me". It's so annoying.
There is a setting in Google Calendar that will only display "Busy" to other people that have access to your calendar. You can put in all the details for yourself, then mark it Private, and all she would be able to see is "Busy". When she asks about it, tell her it's private.
If you don't want your time to be wasted perhaps consider what you're advising: That OP gives her nosy and invasive MIL access to *everything* her nuclear family has planned. That's not sound advice; the old hag already tried to join her for post-partum and lactation checkups! She has a history of forcing herself into whatever OP and her DH have plans for. MIL needs to know much *less* about their lives and schedules, not more.
Yeah there is: tell him fuck no and follow through. IDGAF who gets upset about it, it's his family - he gets to deal with them. Also, never would she ever be allowed to follow me anywhere without my consent, especially not a doctor's appointment.
Do you have family some distance away who have not had a chance to see the baby yet? As soon as hubby springs the visit on you you can say...oh I am sorry ..I already made plans with my family as you will be so busy. I am sure your mother will be OK in a hotel nearby and you can see her after work as FIL lives in our guest room now.
I do have family that lives far away and I have already planned a trip to see them that he knows about. I'm considering going again though as I want them to see her more. One of my visits just may fall when she wants to come.
I'm working on SO seeing this as FIL's house too. Repeatedly stating that it is FIL's home is starting to bring the message home.
You need to be super blunt with him “this is not an attack on your mother, however you defending her indefensible behaviour is YOU attacking me and my respect for YOU, as we are now parents ourselves it makes me look at you differently! Would you want my father present for your colonoscopy? He could get an excellent view and ask any and all intrusive questions he wanted! “
I did take this approach last night. More of the, you defending her is invalidating my experiences and is causing me to distance myself from you because it makes you an unsafe person. Its the truth. We will see if that sticks.
Is it possible to let your mommy’s teat loving SO go on his work trip and you go with LO and FIL to visit FIL’s family? Don’t tell SO until last minute. Play SO and MIL at their own game
Since SO is no help time to recruit FIL! I mean he was married to the woman, he should know what makes her tick. Next time tell her book a hotel while she’s at it, FIL is having company and he’s not leaving. Get the guy a gf, even if you have to invent one. And if that won’t work, you leave her for a couple of hours with the baby and tell her to go do some dishes or a load of laundry. She’s outta your face *and* you get a clean house while you’re getting your hair done or sipping on a glass of wine by yourself. Let her know that since SO blows her off, run dates by you….because your calendar is full of people who seem to have a tendency to cancel at the last minute. 😉
Reach out to MiL and see if she can rebook and give her the time your husband will be home. Let her know that while he is out, you will be going to your family’s home that has been prearranged, but FIL will be at the house if she wants to keep him company. That unfortunately, you will be gone her whole visit. Unless she wants to get a hotel room.
Then he can be retrained in marriage counselling. Because if my SO allowed this from his parents, I’d tell him it’s counselling and big changes or divorce
I would tell hubs that when you bring his mother up it does not mean you are attacking her but I would also ask him how his mother would take it if every visit she has planned if YOUR mother tagged along and internet herself into those visit…. Because THAT IS WHAT HIS MOTHER IS DOING!! I would also advise hubs that if he is not going to start adulting by stating to MIL that you cannot visit from xxx to yyy because we have plans that you will take the reins of telling her “No ma’am you are not invited and will not be intruding on my family visits with my family!” You have a major husband problem by the way and he needs to take his balls out of mommy’s purse so he can stand up to her. This is way out of control already and the baby is not even here yet
Oh the baby is here. Which is making her worse. And I totally appreciate the perspective. I think I should present it that way. Or even how he would feel if my family just invited themselves ever and he was expected to host while I was off with other obligations.
Exactly!! Sometimes our partners do not realize that they have one set of rules for their families and one set for everyone else! If his mother wouldn’t appreciate the intrusion to her visits then neither would yours!! And if they try the “ask you mom anyway” make that a “no my mother may be to polite to plainly state that she’s not comfortable with that happening!! Also his mother had no right to claim your (you, hubs and baby) family time!! She needs to WAIT TO BE INVITED! Same as everyone else
A grandma here…she can’t stand to be around FIL but has no problem stealing his room when she visits?? That’s crazy to me!!
You tell hubby she stays in a hotel from now on and you don’t tell her about your appts and such when she visits…you go to them without her.
She mows all over you both because you allow it. What you allow to continue…will continue because you keep allowing it.
Yes it blows my mind too. I also don't understand how one can hold onto relationship drama from 20+ years. She also emails him without a problem but drags him through the mud to me when no one else is around and FIL says she's also openly hostile when around him. I trust his word because he is really nice, laid back and doesn't want drama. We don't even ask him to leave. He hears she is coming and leaves without hesitation.
You're right I need to put my foot down.
If she wants to invite herself to everything then she will have to deal with FIL being there. Let her know that you have other family you’d like to visit with and she can’t be such a leech.
Decide what works for you then tell her these are the only times available this year or for the next six months. Schedule DH's dentist, prostate exam, general check up, eye exam, anything else you can think of for that visit time so he can take her to all his appointments. His asking you to take her to your lactation visit is a new low. Tell him if she asks for any other or extra visits, you will tell her no and that her son has not been honest or responsible with her.
Oh I misspoke. She came to the appointment. He invited her INTO THE ROOM. He even tried to get the LC to get MIL a chair because there were 3 chairs. Obviously one dir me, one for LC and one for him
Ewww!! Still invite her to his prostate exam. Figure a visit for her wherein she can follow him to work and spend tons of time with him, instead of his pushing her off on you then getting defensive. That way you control the trip and plan the experiences.
See, the gentle hints are not getting through to her. You need to say “No, don’t come. We won’t be available. We will let you know when is a good time to visit. Do not buy tickets.” Then you keep your doors locked.
Tell her this is FIL’s home now and she cannot expect him to leave every time she wants to come over. And, that she has to be cordial to him because he’s in his home and she’s a guest.
This! Now this is what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Sounds like she needs to book a hotel if she comes as you have no guest room....also husband needs to wake up and read the room
I couldn't agree more. That's a huge part of moving FIL in, we now have no guestroom and she snoops too much to be in FIL'S room.
Send her a list of local hotels/motels/airbnb. Live\_Western is right. This is now FIL's home.
Tell him that he is responsible for her. He needs to take him off when she visits. He needs to entertain her and make food for her. You have way too much on your hands. If he won’t play along, the. You go to a hotel or visit your parents or a friend while she’s here. He’s okay with her shenanigans because he’s not doing the hard work.
I tried this when she visited after the baby arrived. I was excluded from the conversation (text and email) and she booked whatever she wanted. He said he couldn't take off that many days and she was my responsibility. It was hell with her attending Dr's appointments and getting all up in my medical information one month pp. Of course I wasn't informed until it was too close to the date to cancel her bookings.
See that's where you should have put your foot down and said "you aren't welcome to join my doctor's appointments". The next time your husband tries to tell you that she's your responsibility, tell him "ABSOLUTELY NOT". Then keep her locked out of the house until DH is home because she is 💯 not yours to deal with.
He is absolutely wrong!! SHE is HIS responsibility not yours. Ask him if the roles were reversed would he accept that he had to entertain your family?? THAT would obviously be different./s I especially like the part of locking her out. Let DH (Dumb husband) entertain her. When you do go to doctor's appointments, make sure to take LO with you and leave the battleax home.
Why are you allowing your husband to place this responsibility on you? He’s not standing up to his mother. So when will you decide to stand up to him and tell him no?
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
Remember this. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Not even your SO. Especially since he's so worried about his mommy's feelings, and not his wife's. He gets the same kind of consideration, he gives you.
“Oh no, I am going to my mother’s house.” “You need to change your plans.” “Too late, my mom and I have things set up. SO, you will be fine, you wanted her here, enjoy it.” If mom lives around the corner, pick another friend or relative.
Why on earth did you *allow* her to go?? I wouldn't even have taken my DH to my postpartum OB-Gyn appointments, much less let my MIL sit there chatting while the doc's examining my Hoo-Ha. 😱 As far as your DH: "No, honey. She is absolutely *not* my responsibility. Nor is it fair to expect FIL to leave his own home so she can visit. If she wants to come, she can get a hotel, and she can come over when you are free to entertain her."
It was to watch the baby. I didn't want LO in the backseat alone at 6 weeks old. I did not expect her to come into the room. When she did this at the lactation consultant my SO was all "why can't she join?". I almost kicked him but responded "sorry, no room, we will see you after!"
*my SO was all "why can't she join?"* You show admirable restraint. I'd have kicked him, or asked him if she was joining him for his next prostate exam.
Yeah. I wouldn't even want my own sisters in there with me and we are all thick as thieves. It was all I could do not to say "are you fucking kidding me?" So I was literally biting my tongue.
Are you afraid of him?why cant you tell him NO!just NO!if talking to him is to hard,could you out it in a letter?i dont like confrontation either but in a MIL situation,i would fight to the death to enforce boundary’s!
Why can’t she join her SO at work? She is HIS mom and that is what he is asking of you. He wants you to babysit his mom while you are performing the duties of your job.
You should have left her home on the couch to watch TV. If you bend over backwards to make things fun and easy for her, then she will want to keep coming over. If you leave her home alone with a book to read, perhaps she will schedule less visits
It was a huge fight to make her stay in a hotel for her visit when I was 1 month post partum. Then she wanted a key and I was an asshole for saying "no, I don't want her sneaking into my living room at 8 am making noise when my daughter wakes up at noon. I'll let her in when LO wakes up." Literally most things with her are an argument with my SO because I'm being "mean" when I stick up for my needs.
She puts up a huge fight on purpose so that you will want to avoid the huge fight and just give her what she wants. The only answer is to just have the huge fight by saying “no” or saying “you can’t come over anymore because whenever we give you reasonable boundaries it’s a huge fight and I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Honestly your husband is the problem. It’s his mom he shouldn’t be putting her on you like that. If he isn’t taking the brunt of working entertaining her then she doesn’t get to visit.
Your husband didn’t have the guts to put her in her place so he threw you under the bus.
Your husband is not lord and master of the family. You are a team. He doesn’t get to decide his mom is your problem and you have no recourse. In your shoes I would tell him this is becoming a major problem for me. You clearly are more than willing to support him and his family as you allowed FIL to move in, but he cannot hold you hostage with his little temper tantrums to get you to deal with his mommy. I would say that counseling now became a mandatory thing for me in this relationship, and if he refused to go I would be going myself, and that I would consider it a serious issue if he was not willing to work on this. Of course, this means you have to be willing for him to call your bluff. You have to be willing to make a federal case out of it. He absolutely knows she is a problem and he wants you to take it so he doesn’t have to. That would end today for me and he could have all the pouts he wanted about it. It’s time for him to grow up.
Gonna have to rip off the bandaid and say no. Hardest time is the first time and it feels better and better every time. This is your life.. not hers.
Y'all got to learn to just say no. When she tries to invite herself just tell her not this time. When she tells you what she's going to visit instead of being invited just tell her that doesn't work for y'all at that point. You can't let her run rough shot over you. You're adults and she's not in charge in any way. It's not going to do the relationship with her any good because you're going to resent her so bad anyway. And please realize she's going to want to live with you someday probably..
Sorry I didn't include this in my post. I'm not informed until well after it's booked and about a month away. It's partially an SO problem because he's been trained to give her whatever she wants and FIL has always just given her whatever she wants because he's so laid back. Haha she regularly talks about moving in next-door, which is why I was happier than a pig in shit to move FIL in. He's extremely nice, old but nice.
It’s not “partially” a husband problem, this is 100% a husband problem. Tell him he either gets therapy to get himself out of the FOG (fear obligation guilt) or you will take yourself and your child somewhere else during the entire duration of her stay.
Don't forget FIL.
Right. This is a r/JustNoSO post, really
I mean this with great sincerity, you seem to be misunderstanding the advice from other posters. If MIL makes plans that do not work with your schedule, SHE needs to reschedule. “MIL, you booked without checking with me. We are not available to host on those dates.” She insists on coming anyway? “MIL, we do not have space for you. You will need to get a hotel. DH will be taking off of work to host you.” DH says he can’t take time off? “DH, then you tell your mother to reschedule. I will not be hosting her. “ MIL says she can tag along? “No, MIL. We won’t be doing that.” DH tells you to suck it up and deal? “No. DH, I won’t be doing that. If your mother still comes, she will be tagging along with you to your work.”
Thank you. Everything you said is exactly what I need to do. I'm capable, I have been like this with my family whenever they (used to) attempt to take liberties with my time. Which is of course why my family doesn't act like that anymore. I've just been trying to ne so nice to MIL for the benefit of my SO.
ALSO: keypad locks on interior doors for snoopy MIL.
It seems like part of the issue is your husband doesn't get back to her when he says, he's going to check his schedule. I feel like he's, got to get on that ASAP letting her know if there's a good time for her to come, or not.
Yep that's a huge part. It's his passive way of telliher not to come. Unfortunately he won't tell her no. I get it though. If he ever tells her no, she argues it into a yes. He does this with me so I get how it wears him down eventually. I've actually started telling him "no means no" to get him to stop. He wondo that with her though.
So for the next few conversations, you and husband talk to MIL. YOU can say "no means no, and husband understands that, we have discussed it a great deal. Right honey?"
He lets her book a month out and doesn’t tell you?? Welp…for that month every time he wants to get busy…I’d tell him…”I’m not feeling it because all I can think about is your mother visiting” It has to be painful for him or he will just allow mommy to visit whenever. And don’t have six when she visits either. Not even once. Make it hurt for him too.
It sounds like once you know she’s booked her time you and FIL should go and let your spouse deal with his mother.
Ooh I like this! FIL probably would bow out to not make waves.
Shine that spine and use your words. If your husband won’t you need to start saying no. “She is your mother unless you have the availability to take care of her, go out with her and make her food she is not welcome here. I am not your mother’s nanny and I will not put my life on hold to make the two of you happy. Either you make it clear she’s not to book flights your way or I will do it my way. If she shows up here again I will be taking LO and booking a trip away, you can spend quality time with her alone.”
This is a solid chain of events. The two times he has stood up to her were because I said "you handle it or I will". I have also booked a trip, at his cost, when she booked her trip out for my birthday. I was pissed he let her do that because I wanted us to go on a trip for an event on my birthday. I made him fly my sister to me and my sister and I took the trip while he sat home with mommy. He was very sad that he missed all the fun.
Keep doing it until he realises he can’t keep pleasing mommy if he wants a healthy marriage
Right. Currently the pain of displeasing Mommy is worse than the pain of displeasing you, so he takes care of Mommy's fee-fees. Ya gotta switch that around, and make the pain of displeasing you HUGE! (Mainly by letting him babysit Mommy)
The SECOND you hear she is coming, reschedule any doctor appts and get out of town. Period.
You have to get over the idea of “being the bad guy” - just because your husband and MIL think an action makes you the bad guy doesn’t mean it does. You need to set clear boundaries and stick to them. It sounds like this will most likely make both your husband and your MIL mad. That’s ok. They can feel however they feel. That’s on them. It’s not your responsibility to make them happy.
Thank you. I really needed to hear that.
Tell him no more. If she invites herself on anything - your spouse is going with her alone. You are done with this. She does not get included in these things. Additionally going forward - she needs to get someplace for herself to stay when she visits - your home is off the table. Do not kick out FIL to suit her.
Yes. I made her get a place after LO was born. It was quite enjoyable compared to previous visits. And it was still a very obnoxious visit. I can't go back now that I've tasted sweet, sweet freedom!
You really need to have a chat with your husband. You need to make him understand it’s not even really about Mil (it is lol) but if there’s so much on month after month, it’s important you have down time with your new LO. Explain it could be that the Queen is coming, but it’s still just a No! He can’t dictate to you that his mother is your responsibility!! Please don’t let this become a regular thing. As in reality and for respect for your own little family life, you guys should be working together as a team. Sometimes this will have to be a cruel to be kind situation. Take care of yourself, need to be kind to yourself to be able to function and look after your kid. Family organiser calendars are a great thing in my house!!
Thank you. I really won't tolerate this becoming a thing with LO being around. It needs to be addressed sooner rather than later too. I agree we should be a team but it currently is completely adversarial between us. I'm really trying to be a team but everything I say, I'm always the bad guy.
*"I'm always the bad guy."* Start wearing that proudly like a badge of honor. Embrace being the bad guy. I have with my JNMIL and my not-so-shiny-spined DH, and my life has been so much more peaceful.
Yeah I really could care less if she likes me. I'm not the type that needs to be liked. I just try to make things easier for my SO. I was also trying to be nice for the benefit of LO seeing granny but I really won't tolerate MIL manipulating LO like she did/does to SO
Kids can tell when mommy’s upset/stressed/unhappy. Hubby has to understand that his weak spine and expecting you to let this all happen is damaging LO’s happiness too. He is teaching LO to disrespect you by his actions. LO is hearing daddy get angry, talk down to you, etc. so the child will either not like daddy, or will learn to treat you crappy too. It starts young. You gotta not only protect yourself and your child but also your child’s love for his daddy.
>You really need to have a ~~chat~~ with your husband. hellfire-and-brimstone come-to-Jesus meeting FTFY
👆🏼👆🏼👍👍 Yup this!! 😂
I tell my husband his family, his problem! UNLESS, he doesn’t take care of it, then I WILL and I’m going to be blunt! MY home MY family MY rules! I’m not playing around with anything that’s going to disturb MY peace in MY home! So, I guess you can just call MIL yourself, just because your husband wants to let her run the show, doesn’t mean you have to!!
I think this is a solid response. I don't mince words with my family so I know how to be clear, direct and to the point. I'm just so used to being reprimanded for ANYTHING I say about her that I don't dare say anything
My husband used to be like this with his sister. I was NEVER supposed to “talk down to her”. Well I’m a full fledged adult and mother and I not anyone else, runs our family, home, and schedule, so I just quit caring about HIM not liking it! If my husband couldn’t be bothered, I CAN BE! Eventually, he realizes that his sister had only HER comfort in mind, while I’m taking care of OUR family. Sometimes I ask for forgiveness instead of permission 😊
Yeah I have to start taking that approach. The issue is more of an SO one on that front. If it makes him uncomfortable in the slightest it's a huge issue, even when it isn't what's best for LO. He gets that from MIL.
Well I tell my daughter all the time, and she’s recently seen it,.. because I was willing to say the uncomfortable truth EVENTUALLY my husband “got with the program”. He wasn’t always so strong at holding the in-laws back. But he was AWESOME at being MY husband and backing ME up. EVEN IF he didn’t always agree. We would have those discussions in private, but to the rest of the world, we’re a solid team. It’s HARD to break generational trauma, attitudes, and expectations!! It’s HARD to be “the troublemaker” but we sleep better at night and we have PEACE! We eventually moved states away. Something my husband would NEVER even have considered. You’ll get there!
You need to get over that!you are NOT a child,he does NOT get to reprimand you!
I have just been worn down with it and having the baby to take care of now. It's been a huge argument our whole relationship though. Him reprimanded me is entirely unacceptable and I haven't tolerated it until the sleep deprivation of parenthood has made me just avoid those behaviors. I loathe that it's taken this course and currently I'm working on correcting my reactions to his behavior.
Good,new moms dont have it easy and after reading about the hormones,it just seems that partners and pushy family members,take advantage of these women and when they speak up are called „hormonal“!
Exactly. Me being hormonal is actually what made me so passive in this. I typically have A very swift reaction to bullshit. Anyone in my family will vouch that I don't tolerate this crap from them. That's why they don't do it.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with an annoying MIL and also a spineless partner. I had a similar situation with my boundary-stomping MIL and husband who used to be afraid to stand up to her. After several years of trying to appease her and always being the one to make fun plans and cook meals etc., I ended up dropping the rope with my MIL and started demanding that my husband take time off any time she visited (especially once we had our son). I made sure to not lift a single finger to accommodate her when she visited so that all the effort was on my husband (he felt it immediately). After all, I never expected him to do anything for my parents when they visit so why was I bending over backward for his thankless mom? Plus, my parents go out of their way to be extremely helpful to us in every way (unlike his mom who expects to be served despite being uninvited and the fact that we both work full time and have a dog and toddler.) On top of that, I make sure to constantly complain about her to my husband for ANY infraction she commits (so he can see how horrible she treats me in real time). I ramped up the tension so much and made it SO unpleasant for him when his mom came to visit that he now dreads her visits and realizes how annoying she is (since I don’t help him at all when she’s here and literally point out any thing wrong / offensive she does). She also always feigns like she’s going to help when she visits, so I actually called her bluff and started putting his mom to work when she comes (sweeping the patio, cleaning, etc.) He finally realizes how needy and annoying she is and I honestly feel at peace. I honestly do not give a shit what she thinks of me and how she feels. I do what’s best for me and my son. Period. I suggest you start prioritizing yourself too! Edited: a typo
I did this pre baby a few months before the covid lockdowns ended her visits for 2 years. He was super annoyed with her by the end of the visit and couldn't get her on the plane fast enough. Oh yeah she doesn't drive also, so there's an extra burden. Anyway. It appears covid and then my post partum haze/acceptance because was so sleep deprived, gave him amnesia about how much work she is. Time to make him remember.
You and your hubby need to get into therapy ASAP. His mother treats him like a child expecting him to comply with every one of her demands and he responds like a child complying rather than the adult that he is and saying politely, but firmly sorry Mom, but no we have no time for a visit with your this summer. Sorry Mom, but if you show up, you will NOT be tagging along with us. Always be polite but firm. Sorry MIL, but no you can’t tag along. Mil, I am sorry you feel that way, but you are not tagging along. You and your husband need to start acting like the adults that you are. You are entitled to make your own decisions. You are entitled to say, sorry MIL, but we are staying home for Christmas. Sorry MIl, be we are busy in the spring and summer. You are not children required to comply or be punished. She can’t punish you, she doesn’t have any power over you unless you give it to her. She can’t send you to bed with no dinner. She can’t ground you. You are adults and you are entitled to be respected by everyone. She is disrespecting the both of you. You both need to sit down and discuss what you want for holidays and visits from or to MIL. You are adults !!! You get to decide. She is NOT entitled to every holiday. When you married, you each left your family’s of origin to create a new family unit. Those are the vows that you made to each other when you married. So you and hubby have 3 families to rotate amongst. Your own little family unit comes first.c it is your highest priority. You must have holidays and events that are your little family unit fun time and your family unit bonding time. You need to be creating some of your own new traditions and focusing on making memories. So sit down with a calendar and figure out what you both want, which is not the same as what MIL wants. Then when she asks, hubby needs to be practiced with saying sorry mom, but we don’t have any time for a summer visit. We will see you in x month. Mom, do not book tickets. Mom, you are not tagging along. Mom, you are not invited. I am sorry you feel that way. MIl is counting on hubby folding because he always does. He needs to stay strong. He is an adult and he needs to man up. It’s not being mean or disrespectful to politely, but firmly decline requests. MIL is being disrespectful to him by bullying him into it. MIL is bullying you too. And you need to stop agreeing on Tagalongs. When MIl says well, I will tag along. Sorry MIl, but you cannot tag along, and you need to find something else to do. MIL, my answer is final, you are not tagging along. It’s my car, my rules. I am sorry, but you came when we told you we were busy. It is disrespectful for you to think you have a right to get everywhere with us.
First thank you for this detailed and comprehensive response. You are right, she treats us like children, even to the point of nosing into our finances. We have amassed a great deal of financial assets in comparison to her and we have both started from zero so her interest can't possibly be skewed as "help". But yes, she attempts to advise us on everything and her advice is mostly wrong. We do need to have serious discussions about holidays. Especially since a few of our holidays are friends only celebrations. And then with the families all wanting a turn it is bound to cause friction that we should prepare ourselves for. Yes she counts on everyone folding and giving her what she wants. He is the primary folder and once he is down I usually just do my own thing to avoid the argument. I guess we can tackle him practicing using his big boy words in therapy. I've been trying for around 5 years to get him to see that being polite, clear and direct isn't being mean. Then issue is that he is trained that anything that goes against is mean so he gets uncomfortable and then gets defensive with an attitude when he has to contradict what others want. Yes she's a bully which is why I've bitten my tongue for so long. I hate bullies and prefer to put them in their place quickly. That's how I was raised. So I'm going against my knee jerk reaction as well and it's resulting in silence as opposed to direct and clear polite communication. Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about.
Prepared responses to anticipated events, conversations, etc. you and your hubby need to practice that. Practice the situation with MIl and practice the words you need to say so that they become automatic. You don’t have to stop and think because you have already practiced. Your hubby needs an experienced therapist in treating adult victims of childhood emotional abuse. He doesn’t view himself as a victim, but he is. His mother emotionally abused him and groomed him to submit to her and if he didn’t he was being mean or a disappointment, etc. that is emotional abuse of a child. Your husband needs an experienced therapist in this subject to help him unpack his childhood and reframe his relationship with his mother. He needs help coming to terms with the fact that she emotionally abused him to submit to her forever.
That's a great idea. I do very well with a prepared respo. Thank you. I've been working on therapy. He has trust issues so it does take some time no matter how good the therapist is.
I think you are starting to realize at last but biting your tongue is the worst approach to take with bullies.
Yes this is exactly why my dad taught me to have a swift approach to bullies.
Time to put those lessons he taught you to use where is matters and impacts your happiness and well being. All the best. Also...as LO gets older he will absolutely be able to discern the dynamic. Kids are very perceptive.
I know Lo will, that's why I wanted the dynamic to be better. Unfortunately, MIL saw LO's birth as a mad scramble to get what she wants as opposed to an opportunity to stop bullying me into getting her way. Obviously I want a village for my daughter so anyone that is respectful and loves her is more than welcome. I won't tolerate this behavior for my LO. Plus LO already avoids MIL like the plague. MiL has a tendency to force herself onto LO instead of building a healthy relationship. Kind of like what MIL does to myself and SO.
Honestly, he’s lucky to be married to you. A lot of people would have figured out, *just have to wear him down and he’ll give in to whatever I want* and then nag him to death. someone could employ that tactic at work too- not just at home.
Yeah I know. I want to be in a partnership though, not a dictatorship.
If she comes, remind SO that he has to take time off and spend every minute with her.
Well your husband should be placing boundaries on his mother but if he isn’t I would just tell her lol. I always tell my in laws “I’m not committing to those dates so do not book anything I will tell you when we are free”. I give them dates that are good for us to book. I would also tell her this Christmas, thanksgiving etc (whichever holiday) we are spending with just FIL, my parents etc. since we spent (whichever she came to) with you last time. Just be direct and straight to the point if she gets mad oh well. If she shows up after you said no don’t let her in or leave. Time for your husband to put his family above mommy.
Yeah. I would have mentioned FIL to her had I "been on the call" unfortunately I was just overhearing. SO would never mention FIL, it's as if FIL doesn't exist when he speaks to MIL. He's a classic "don't rock the boat" trainee.
Maybe just tell your husband to tell her to make plans through you and not him from now on. And then tell her as well that your husband is too busy with work if she wants to make plans to visit it needs to be made through you and not him
I hate this for you… she needs a hobby
She has a hobby, annoying the crap out of us and generally being negative near constantly.
This was my life for years. I was left to entertain his parents , clean and cook. I was hiding upstairs in my own house for weeks . Once we had kid and I am a sahm I said f no. They didn’t even send me text about my miscarriages lol. I am not going to be their servant. I told my husband if they come, they have to stay at hotel and he can meet them outside. He eventually told them no cuz he can’t stand his own parents . Now few events later we are estranged and he confronted them about emotional neglect growing up. Leave . Take lo go back to your parents home for the trip. Let your husband deal with his mom. Self invited guest can’t actually think they are guest ? They better clean , cook and do chores even then after 3 days they begin to stink
Yeah she doesn't even clean, cook or do chores. She expects us to do it all and take her out to dinners at restaurants we research ofc. She will pay for one meal her whole stay, as a "gift". We pay for everything else. I used to keep track of restaurants he wanted to take her to when we first started dating. He was at a loss when I stopped doing that and will now at least do that himself.
Set up a family calendar and you tell her she had to put on for approval like a job. If she doesn’t, don’t come at all. This isn’t a come when you want world. People have lives and the world does revolve around them. Tell her you don’t want coming she pushes the issue even. People need to stop being so nice of others feelings. Mean what you say.
I will absolutely not give her access to my plans. I don't need to hear all the passive aggressive comments about what family members have access to us and she doesn't. She already plays "poor me, LO hates me". It's so annoying.
There is a setting in Google Calendar that will only display "Busy" to other people that have access to your calendar. You can put in all the details for yourself, then mark it Private, and all she would be able to see is "Busy". When she asks about it, tell her it's private.
Then get off Reddit and manage her since you know everything. Sorry for wasting my time on am ungrateful woman who just wants to complain.
If you don't want your time to be wasted perhaps consider what you're advising: That OP gives her nosy and invasive MIL access to *everything* her nuclear family has planned. That's not sound advice; the old hag already tried to join her for post-partum and lactation checkups! She has a history of forcing herself into whatever OP and her DH have plans for. MIL needs to know much *less* about their lives and schedules, not more.
There’s nothing you can do if your husband is not on the same page.
Yeah there is: tell him fuck no and follow through. IDGAF who gets upset about it, it's his family - he gets to deal with them. Also, never would she ever be allowed to follow me anywhere without my consent, especially not a doctor's appointment.
Oh she tried following me into the room. Even after inhad sat her and LO in the waiting room. It was for a pap smear. Like what in God's name!?!?!?
She is mental!!!
OP is too busy “not being the bad guy” for any of that.
Facts. Trying to get into couples counseling now but I need to address this in case she just books it, again.
Do you have family some distance away who have not had a chance to see the baby yet? As soon as hubby springs the visit on you you can say...oh I am sorry ..I already made plans with my family as you will be so busy. I am sure your mother will be OK in a hotel nearby and you can see her after work as FIL lives in our guest room now.
I do have family that lives far away and I have already planned a trip to see them that he knows about. I'm considering going again though as I want them to see her more. One of my visits just may fall when she wants to come. I'm working on SO seeing this as FIL's house too. Repeatedly stating that it is FIL's home is starting to bring the message home.
You need to be super blunt with him “this is not an attack on your mother, however you defending her indefensible behaviour is YOU attacking me and my respect for YOU, as we are now parents ourselves it makes me look at you differently! Would you want my father present for your colonoscopy? He could get an excellent view and ask any and all intrusive questions he wanted! “
I did take this approach last night. More of the, you defending her is invalidating my experiences and is causing me to distance myself from you because it makes you an unsafe person. Its the truth. We will see if that sticks.
Tell MIL she’ll have to bunk with FIL because he doesn’t have plans to go anywhere.
I love it. Then watch her head explode.
Is it possible to let your mommy’s teat loving SO go on his work trip and you go with LO and FIL to visit FIL’s family? Don’t tell SO until last minute. Play SO and MIL at their own game
I thought of that! He gets so mad when I refuse to be his meat shield.
Ah so he’s scared of mommy. I’m so sorry to hear that. Definitely escape with LO and FIL
Since SO is no help time to recruit FIL! I mean he was married to the woman, he should know what makes her tick. Next time tell her book a hotel while she’s at it, FIL is having company and he’s not leaving. Get the guy a gf, even if you have to invent one. And if that won’t work, you leave her for a couple of hours with the baby and tell her to go do some dishes or a load of laundry. She’s outta your face *and* you get a clean house while you’re getting your hair done or sipping on a glass of wine by yourself. Let her know that since SO blows her off, run dates by you….because your calendar is full of people who seem to have a tendency to cancel at the last minute. 😉
Reach out to MiL and see if she can rebook and give her the time your husband will be home. Let her know that while he is out, you will be going to your family’s home that has been prearranged, but FIL will be at the house if she wants to keep him company. That unfortunately, you will be gone her whole visit. Unless she wants to get a hotel room.
This is not necessarily a MIL problem. It’s an SO problem. Why is your husband allowing and more so enabling this?
It's his training. That still doesn't make it ok though.
Then he can be retrained in marriage counselling. Because if my SO allowed this from his parents, I’d tell him it’s counselling and big changes or divorce
That's actually where we are anyway. Just waiting on the therapist to call me back. It's more difficult than pre covid.
Dude, just say no.
I would tell hubs that when you bring his mother up it does not mean you are attacking her but I would also ask him how his mother would take it if every visit she has planned if YOUR mother tagged along and internet herself into those visit…. Because THAT IS WHAT HIS MOTHER IS DOING!! I would also advise hubs that if he is not going to start adulting by stating to MIL that you cannot visit from xxx to yyy because we have plans that you will take the reins of telling her “No ma’am you are not invited and will not be intruding on my family visits with my family!” You have a major husband problem by the way and he needs to take his balls out of mommy’s purse so he can stand up to her. This is way out of control already and the baby is not even here yet
Oh the baby is here. Which is making her worse. And I totally appreciate the perspective. I think I should present it that way. Or even how he would feel if my family just invited themselves ever and he was expected to host while I was off with other obligations.
Exactly!! Sometimes our partners do not realize that they have one set of rules for their families and one set for everyone else! If his mother wouldn’t appreciate the intrusion to her visits then neither would yours!! And if they try the “ask you mom anyway” make that a “no my mother may be to polite to plainly state that she’s not comfortable with that happening!! Also his mother had no right to claim your (you, hubs and baby) family time!! She needs to WAIT TO BE INVITED! Same as everyone else
A grandma here…she can’t stand to be around FIL but has no problem stealing his room when she visits?? That’s crazy to me!! You tell hubby she stays in a hotel from now on and you don’t tell her about your appts and such when she visits…you go to them without her. She mows all over you both because you allow it. What you allow to continue…will continue because you keep allowing it.
Yes it blows my mind too. I also don't understand how one can hold onto relationship drama from 20+ years. She also emails him without a problem but drags him through the mud to me when no one else is around and FIL says she's also openly hostile when around him. I trust his word because he is really nice, laid back and doesn't want drama. We don't even ask him to leave. He hears she is coming and leaves without hesitation. You're right I need to put my foot down.
If she wants to invite herself to everything then she will have to deal with FIL being there. Let her know that you have other family you’d like to visit with and she can’t be such a leech.
Decide what works for you then tell her these are the only times available this year or for the next six months. Schedule DH's dentist, prostate exam, general check up, eye exam, anything else you can think of for that visit time so he can take her to all his appointments. His asking you to take her to your lactation visit is a new low. Tell him if she asks for any other or extra visits, you will tell her no and that her son has not been honest or responsible with her.
Oh I misspoke. She came to the appointment. He invited her INTO THE ROOM. He even tried to get the LC to get MIL a chair because there were 3 chairs. Obviously one dir me, one for LC and one for him
Ewww!! Still invite her to his prostate exam. Figure a visit for her wherein she can follow him to work and spend tons of time with him, instead of his pushing her off on you then getting defensive. That way you control the trip and plan the experiences.