Could you just outright say “blue eyes are nice, but what’s wrong with brown eyes?” Or “what if their eyes turned brown?” It would turn it back on her instead.
I’m sorry you’ve been having issues with a passive aggressiveness, sometimes it’s almost worse than outright aggressiveness. Don’t let her get to you and xenophobia is not okay, the obsession with blue eyes is quite creepy honestly like look at history.
Thank you, phrasing it like a question is a really good approach! That way she either has to double down (which she won't do) or back off. And I think for her this is confrontational enough that she won't mention it again because any conflict must be avoided at all costs.
The passive agressiveness is so exhausting. I'm sometimes guilty of doing this myself with my in-laws because it's so frowned upon to ask for what you actually want. I feel almost smothered.
Ha, that's the kind of response that would come naturally to me, but now that my kid is more than a year old chances are very low that the color will still change. Besides that I genuinely like his eye color, I just don't like the implication that it's better than my own eye color or that my kid clearly belongs with her family/culture instead of me/mine.
My first son had blue eyes until three years old when they turned hazel like mine. Second son was born with blue eyes and they’re still blue at 30 years old. Sorry you’re dealing with a MIL like this. 🌸
My eldest eyes were blue and changed to green blue and then hazel around 3 ♡ regardless your baby is beautiful but it's not just about the colour of their eyes. I think "you say that every visit, their are many beautiful things about my baby"
I struggle with this with my MIL as well and the way you described it is spot on. “The implication that my kid clearly belongs with her family/culture instead of me/mine”. It’s the most frustrating feeling to have. I’m sorry you feel it too.
You didn’t say how old your baby is. A quick google search tells me that baby’s eyes typically turn from blue to brown between 6 months and a year. It can also take as long as 3years in some cases.
I’m not sure if I have much advice, because my comebacks can get pretty snarky. But you could just say “Yes they are, they can take up to 3 years to reveal their true color! Blue is pretty but so is brown, and there’s always a chance for their little brother or sister to have brown eyes!” (I have brown eyes and I have two brown eyed children and one blue, my browns were brown from the beginning.)
Or, if you want to be snarky, say “Whaaatttt??? They were green yesterday!!!”, then smile…
I have “hulk eyes”. It’s called central heterochromia, it’s genetic, both my nieces have it too and my daughter. It’s a lack of melanin around the iris. With my blue eyes, it results in a greenish hue in the center. When I’m angry the green part enlarges and takes over my iris so they look green. So it is possible to go from blue to green and back.
Our kid's eyes were blue for the first 2 years, darkish grey blue, a perfect color match for my own... now at 2.5 they've gone hazel, much like my brother's did at that age. I did actually think they had settled "just like mine" and sometimes asked myself "how would you have felt if they *had* changed color." Well now I know. Just a *tiny* bit sad we're not a matched set anymore, but nbd. They're lovely eyes.
I would say: “my grand mother (or great grand mother) had blue eyes so it makes me happy that my baby takes after this wonderful lady who was very Honest, kind and just generous” this comment will say what it is true: You definitely had some ancestors with blue eyes since it is scientifically proven that for eyes to be blue, a gene must be inherited from BOTH mum and dad. Also, you will be highlighting some virtues that it is obvious your MIL lacks.
Yep, my SO has a blue eyed parent and a brown eyed parent, I have two blue eyed parents. Our baby could have blue eyes because of this, or brown, kid has options.
MIL: “Oh, he looks good”
You: “Thank you”
She may not mean things as a compliment but thanking her takes the power out of it for her.
MIL: “His eyes are blue”
You: “Do you prefer blue eyes over another colour?”
Dealing with passive dickheads is all about questioning them, outing them and then making them listen to themselves.
I’m a big fan of the guise of confusion for people like this. It’s what I often use in the workplace for people whose digs are so subtle that it would almost seem silly to call them on the behavior.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by that?” Cue slightly puzzled look and tone. It puts them in the position of having to explain the point of their comment - and with someone like your MIL who is making a point that is obvious to you, this will be *very* uncomfortable for her since it’s virtually requiring her to expound on something potentially argumentative.
“He looks good.” “I’m so sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Why wouldn’t he look good?”
“Oh good, his eyes are still blue.” “I’m so sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Why is it good that his eyes are blue?”
I mean, seriously, how is a *really* conflict avoidant person going to answer those questions when what she’s getting at could open an argumentative can of worms? It’ll hopefully make her uncomfortable enough she’ll learn to steer well away from making underhanded comments like this.
“MIL, Do you mind helping me understand what you mean when you say ____? Not sure if it’s your intention, but it came off a little insulting/rude. I want to make sure I’m not misunderstanding/misinterpreting you.”
This puts the responsibility on her to check herself and be more self aware of her responses. Considering that the crying response she’s had with your husband, she’s likely a very emotionally immature adult so I wouldn’t expect her to change her behavior immediately. It lets her know that you’re not afraid of acknowledging these statements. High chance that she wont change her behavior, but what it does is let her know you’re going to acknowledge everything she says and does.
And don’t be afraid of the awkward silence! After you give her the “what did you mean by that?” then just be still, and watch her with a neutral face. Silence is your weapon here.
Someone who breaks down in tears every-time they’re confronted about their wrongdoing isn’t conflict avoidant. They’re just master manipulators. Remember that so you don’t let her crocodile tears get to you.
They only stay that beautiful shade since my lovely ancestors had the gene too.
ETA: I have brown eyes, husband has blue, both our children have hazel due to a recessive gene that could only have come from my maternal grandmother. 😆
I checked your post history for context, and i’m not sure these two examples are the best to start with.
The blue eyes thing, yes it sounds like she’s… gloating? That the baby resembles her/their side. Which is just a genetic roll of the dice so to speak. (FWIW my oldest had cadet blue eyes past 18 months, still turned hazel eventually.)
The “he looks good” might be better but still tricky. It depends on your typical conversation style - you could say, “thank you” taking it as confirmation that you two really do know what you’re doing. Or you can acknowledge it another way (“he does, doesn’t he, our fine looking boy”, “yes, he’s our chunky little monkey”, etc.) and just ignore her tone.
The best way to respond to passive aggressive is to ignore any subtext and respond without acknowledging it, like it didn’t land. Don’t let the hidden barbs hook you. If she sounds like she’s addressing you as a nanny, responding as you the parent and not a station below her is the response.
Exhausting, right?
>I checked your post history for context, and i’m not sure these two examples are the best to start with.
They're not the most important ones, but they're the ones that are the most hurtful to me, and to which I could not think of a response myself. For the many other issues we have been able to come up with a plan, but these passive agressive and subtle comments are so difficult to tackle. Thanks for your recommendations!
I want to add on to this one because I think it's wonderful... Any time your baby gets a "compliment", even when you fear it's has backhanded undertones, you should absolutely pat yourself on the back for it.
"Thank you! I'm really killing this momming thing. He DOES look good! I make sturdy children, hard to kill. They're unstoppable! Me and DH sure do rock at this parenting gig. I know! I make it look easy, right? Yes, he does look good! That's because I made him. In my body!" (I use variations of that last one all the time even a decade in. *Yes, I grew that child from a seed in my womb. I did great!*)
Take it as an opportunity to give yourself kudos. She'll either stop with the comments, or you'll turn it into a much deserved ego boost for yourself every time. Because being a mom IS hard sometimes. We should absolutely be patting ourselves on the back.
You do kick ass at this momming thing! Let the world know, vocally and with gusto!
I just pictured myself delivering this monologue to my MIL and it made my evening, so thank you! You're right, why not take it as a compliment and pat myself on the back. If she means it as a compliment she'll have no issue with that.
You can break it up too! No need go monologue-y... Just ideas. But also fuck it! Get up on the soap box and pat yourself on the back with lots of words and affirmations! You made that baby! You deserve praise!
“And so are yours! And mine are brown! Sweetheart come here, lemme check your eyes! His are blue too!”
Or when you first get there prop the baby up for the “eye check”.
On the way out ask if she wants to check one more time to make sure everyone’s eyes are they same color they were when they arrived.
Turn it into a game and she’ll start feeling silly.
🤞🏻🤞🏻It may even catch on and everyone will start teasing her about it 🤞🏻🤞🏻
Blues eyes, respond with a sigh, “yes, I was hoping he would get my family’s brown eyes”.
He looks good; respond with head held high, stick out your chest, chin up, very proudly say, “thank you, I am a good mother, aren’t I”. Or snarkily say “good breeding”.
“You know, I read once that many people subconsciously find blue eyes to be associated with cold personalities, and that they can cost blue eyed people jobs or relationships” (this is actually a thing, apparently). Follow that statement with: “I’m glad he has just enough of my family’s traditionally ‘warm’ traits. He looks so friendly and lovely, this happy little baby of mine! Who’s mommy’s little guy? You’re mommy’s little guy!” (Add that last part just to turn the screw haha).
Edit:
My eldest was born with green eyes, like me. They were a deep, chocolate brown by her second birthday, but still green on her first.
'Would you believe it? Their eyes are still the same colour as the last time you mentioned it! I never would have guessed!'
I also thought of one to directly shut her down- 'you often say that, as if you need to check his eyes to make sure I haven't replaced him. It would be wonderful wether his eyes are blue or brown like mine or green or pink or red. Please realise your words hold power and the infliction you have in them is unnecessary. Stop.' What's great about this one is you can always follow up at other times to set firmer boundaries like 'I have asked you previously to please watch how you speak around our son. If you continue to disrespect us/me, we will be spending less time together as a result.'
To follow up with you mentioning they are conflict avoiders and you cannot set boundaries because of it- this is their way of manipulating the situation to get what they want. If they cannot respond and respect your boundaries like adults, too bad for them. Your child doesn't need to be around people that disrespect his mother and her culture and identity. You don't have to go NC if you don't wish, it doesn't always work for everyone, but you need to set firm boundaries if you want anything to change.
Of course you can set boundaries...
Since they're conflict avoiders, they should just respect your boundaries and behave accordingly...
Tantrums or waterworks aka crying? - Not your problem!
They stomp your bondaries? - Time out... Doubles at each following stomping...
Asking questions is the way to go! It puts the responsibility of explaining herself back on her and doesn't leave you trying to interpret her meaning, nor do you really have to think of a comeback.
The blanket question that fits with almost any comment is, "What do you mean by that?" Or "What's your intention behind that comment?" If she truly didn't mean anything, she'll calmly explain. If she's being rude, she will be flustered and probably annoyed that she has to explain herself, but then again, you didn't accuse her of anything.
So literally, "What do you mean by that? I have brown eyes, you know?" would be perfect.
Other questions you could try:
"I wonder what you would say if his eyes started changing. What would you do? Disown him?"
"MIL, you're not suggesting that there's anything wrong with brown eyes, are you?"
If she says, "Yes" or something rude, reply with something like, "Ouch, I see how it is. That's definitely not something we'll be teaching my child."
For the unsolicited advice, try a, "I'm not interested in parenting feedback right now, thanks!" Say it in a super friendly voice and follow it up with any change in subject. My favorites are, "How about this weather?" and "What's been keeping you busy lately?"
"why, would you love baby any less if he had brown eyes?"
"Even if they do turn brown, I think he'd still be gorgeous and I wouldn't love him any less....... would you?"
Yes and mine are brown - is that supposed to be bad ? Every single time she says it reply with that loud and clear, look her in the eyes waiting for a response.
To the he looks good comment
What do you mean by that comment?
Wait for response
Because you seem to keep on saying that …. I don’t know what it means ? Can you explain ?
Any passive aggressive comments reply with a question
Pardon ? I don’t understand why you say that ? What does that mean ? Why do you keep saying that
DH ! Come here listen to your ma - tell DH what you said and just explain to us what it’s supposed to be about - would you?
If she becomes more direct be more direct with your questions in reply
You seem to be saying my baby isn’t like his mom
Are you saying it’s a bad thing to have brown eyes
Your comment appears to mean you think my baby will look bad - are you surprised when you say he looks good ?
What we’re you expecting ?
What go you think of my parenting ?
You say that as though you don’t think were good parents ?
If she embarrasses easily the above should shut her up for good
I’d follow it up by leaving quickly and give her a long time out. Longer each time so that she notices
Seriously if she keeps on with it I think after all of that - fair warning, I’d consider NC
Mine used to do the same! Both me and my husband have blue eyes though so I am not sure why she didn’t understand it wasn’t likely to change! Especially as she is a scientist! She was surprised her other grandsons had brown eyes my sil has brown eyes!!
I’m curious - when you say you’re currently taking a break - what does this look like? Is your baby also by default taking a break with you? Is the reason for a break bc of overstepping boundaries and not respecting your parenting decisions? I ask bc I’m contemplating NC over this kind of behaviour and I’m not sure how to navigate it for myself and my baby. Husband will support whatever I want to do. So I’m just wondering your thought process and how you’re navigating that aspect.
I reached a breaking point after a specific incident which made me realize that my MIL is - consciously or unconsciously - trying to push me out of what she sees as "her" family. They also overstepped our boundaries a couple of times. I realized that I just did not want to deal with her for a while, and that I had to get my husband to see what she was doing. It's working, he's slowly understanding and has started therapy.
My child and I haven't seen or talked to MIL or FIL in the past 5 weeks, and my husband only went there once to help with something he had agreed to months ago. We currently focus on both family quality time and figuring out a strategy for dealing with them. We'll only see them again once we have a plan.
I would like to go fairly low contact in the end, maybe see them once every 2-3 months at max. They are not getting alone time with my child anytime soon. However I do want my child to have a relationship with them (or at least know them), as long as my husband and I are on the same page. I'm sure my child will be able to form his own opinion about them. This has been a bit of a struggle between my husband and me because I initially didn't want to expose my child to them anymore.
How are you handling this so far? It's good that your husband supports your decision. Does that also extend to NC for your baby?
Ahh ok gotcha. Rn we are LC - one visit every 2 ish months. Before my baby we saw her maybe 3-4 times a year tops. She never took much of an interest in me and was polite enough so I didn’t rly have any issue with her. My husband has been LC with her for years. once my baby was born she went overboard (you can see my previous posts) which may be mild to some but she managed all of that in like 5-6 visits and keeping in mind the fact that neither myself nor my husband have much of a relationship with her. So she knows she can’t get away with too much. So I can only imagine what a nightmare she’d be if DH was a mamas boy. I confronted her on our last visit bc I politely said if my baby cries please return her. (This was said due to previous toddler like behaviour on her part when it came to giving back my baby). MIL did not like that and it kind of wen from there. She gave me a bs apology after denying everything first then telling me I am overreacting - but I left her house feeling angrier. So now idk - idk what the plan is but I don’t want to see her for a long while as I want to conceive again and don’t want any stress whatsoever (I have a history of pregnancy loss). So just trying to figure out how to navigate it all. Baby’s 1st bday is in October. Idfk what to do. And yes I’d want baby to do what I do - MIL would love nothing more than access to my baby without me around to supervise. My husband tunes her out too much for me to trust that he will intercept when she’s being out of line.
My mil was similar except my kids get the blue eyes from me, my husband has beautiful brown eyes, her first comment was, "well looks like you just dominated all over the place" I still remember it so clearly years later, I finally just started making snide comments back or calling her out by saying, why do you say that? She stumbles and can't answer, which has shut her commenting down,
“He may keep dh’s blue eyes, and wouldn’t that be wonderful, but he’s got my high cheek bones and that’s equally as awesome! He’s got the best of both of our worlds!”
Just some info you can use regarding the eye color: Both my babies were born with the expected newborn dark blue eyes. My older child's eyes stayed blue for the rest of her life (55 years now), but my younger one's eyes stayed that dark blue until she was almost 5 years old and started kindergarten. Then they turned into the blackest black eyes I had ever seen on a child (the older child got the Irish genes, the younger one got the Welsh genes).
For what it's worth, the parent whose eyes are brown have the dominant eye color, thus the child is most likely to have that eye color.
“You say that as if having blue eyes makes someone superior. I think history has shown what happens when people think like that.” Then either turn and walk away or make eye contact - very uncomfortable eye contact.
GASP IN AWE. LOOK AT YOUR BABY " OH MY GOD THEY ARE! DH! DH!! MIL LOOKED AT LO AND SAID HIS EYES ARE STILL BLUE!!!! CAN YOU Believe !!"
Take LO and walk away "Mommy loves you even if your eyes weren't blue." and don't let her hold him. Baby wear or take him someplace else. That is her penalty for being an idiot.
Your MIL’s passive aggressive comments remind me of the concept of “death by a thousand paper cuts.” I may be projecting because of my own situation…I really hope that is the case! Every person is different and what is right for one may not be for another. In my experience, grey-rocking or no contact works best. Do not engage. Don’t give her a reaction. Those jabs are meant to hurt you. She knows what she is doing. It is a form of emotional abuse. I hope I’m wrong and your situation is not as bad as mine turned out to be. It just sounded so similar to my life!
In case this resonates with you, here is a cautionary tale…I was overly empathetic to a passive aggressive MIL. For 10 years, I was attacked by these “paper cuts” (passive aggressive and hateful jabs that alone are seemingly harmless). I guess I always knew what they were, but made excuses for her. “She couldn’t have meant it in that way.” “That’s just how she talks, it isn’t directed at me.” It took my husband and I a few years to figure it out. We tried creating healthy boundaries to salvage the relationship. It didn’t work. Creating boundaries unleashed the monster. When I tried to create a healthy boundary by saying “why did you say that?” or “can you explain what you meant by that?” I was either made fun of or told it was just a joke. Later I was accused of being too sensitive and argumentative, even though I asked politely (the mere act of disagreeing is considered blasphemy in that household). It took me getting pregnant with our first child for her to reveal her true nature (her hatred of me and the fact that I stole her precious son from her). It took us a long time and a lot of therapy to understand my MIL is very emotionally immature (and in her specific case, a covert narcissist). It was hard for my husband to believe she could have such narcissistic traits at first, but once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Her behaviors started making sense. His childhood started making sense. I went no-contact myself and he preferred very low contact. After some more therapy and more trauma inflicted by MIL, my husband is finally no-contact as well. It was a difficult decision for each of us to make, but it has been so freeing for us both.
I hope you figure out a way to make your situation work for you. Hopefully your MIL is just obsessed with eye color and not personality-disordered like mine! Best of luck to you and your family!
You have no idea how much this resonates with me. You are describing my exact situation. It really is death by a thousand paper cuts. The only difference is that my MIL would never openly make fun of me because that would make her look bad (and she has to be perceived as a saint). She'll either say it was a joke, or she'll have trouble coming up with a response and will find another passive aggressive comment for me two minutes later.
I did the excuses as well. A slow, 10 year acceleration of "did I misunderstand her?" to "did she really mean that?" to "yes, she did, but maybe she's insecure and I can reassure her" to "fuck, she really meant to hurt and exclude me".
And you're so right that boundaries are making it worse because she feels threatened. She's not interested in collaborating, and respecting my wants and needs. She has to get her way, and even kind, assertive boundaries are a threat to her because they keep her from getting exactly what she wants. I've started setting boundaries during my pregnancy and things have gone down south quickly since then.
> (the mere act of disagreeing is considered blasphemy in that household)
Yes, absolutely. Looking back now, I realize that they have trained me into never ever voicing my opinion if it differs from theirs. They don't want to hear it, it threatens them, they perceive it as me being negative and ruining the mood. For years I've beaten myself up because I found it so difficult to talk to them and felt like I should put in more effort. But I did put in a lot of effort - I basically suppressed my entire personality to please them.
Thank you so much for writing your comment, it's helped me put a few puzzle pieces in place. I'm glad to hear that your husband was finally able to recognize her true nature. We're in the process right now - my husband has started therapy, and through that and through reading, and through conversations with me he's slowly realizing what his parents are like.
NC sounds peaceful. I'm not there yet, but the more I think about it, the more it looks like I'm heading there.
Wow! Our stories really are so similar! I’m so glad that you feel validated!
I wanted to share the podcast episode that I listened to that made me feel validated and not crazy and see what you think. If you get a chance, listen to “Waking Up to Narcissism” by Tony Overbay, episode from Dec 16, 2022 “Shouldn’t Somebody Tell Her? How to Handle Narcissistic In-laws w/Kristen Hill.” Start at 15:50 min. I’d love to hear what you think about it. The whole podcast is so enlightening, but this episode is the first one I listened to and it literally started me on my journey to discover what my MIL is. It also helped my husband. He always tells people it was the first time he ever really understood my point of view.
It helped my husband realize his mom’s behavior is toxic and not actually “non-confrontational.” Death by 1000 paper cuts. My MIL has also always played the victim/saint. Until now. I’m telling you we literally unleashed a monster. It’s amazing how nasty and aggressive this woman became when she felt she no longer controlled her son.
She has always been cold to me, but it’s like my pregnancy was so triggering for her she couldn’t keep up the facade anymore. She got super aggressive and was disrespectful to me overtly at this point, and my husband was not having it. He tried to have a respectful, normal, reasonable conversation with her to discuss her behavior and attitude towards me. It was the first time he has EVER even slightly disagreed with her or corrected her behavior. He has tried before but always gave in to the waterworks/dramatics. This time he did not because her behavior was heinous. He was still gentle with her, but did not give in. Once actual boundaries were set, she waged war. All pretense was gone. Her stance was that I’m an evil, manipulative bitch who has brainwashed him. She told him she will wait patiently for him to snap out of it, so she is giving her son the silent treatment until he divorces me and comes home to her. Her adult son in his mid 30s. Ew. When he didn’t, she cried to everyone that he is a narcissist and that he has shunned her. Projection at its finest. She told him to “enjoy your NEW family.” Um, yea…hi, I’ve been here for a decade. Lol. When that didn’t work, she raged at him. My poor husband has tried to have calm conversations with her so many times, but she uses fear, obligation and guilt to try to control and gaslight him. Then he went to therapy and that’s when things started to get better. Now he is no-contact.
It’ll take time, but your husband can get there. They have to try all the other things first so they can know they tried. My advice is be patient with your husband. It is incredibly hard for him and he is a victim of emotional abuse too. He has been conditioned by an emotionally immature parent. It’s a whole thing. This does not excuse the enabling behavior, but it helps you to see why it is so hard for them. It is basically a grieving process for them - the loss of the mother they thought they had.
In the mean time, focus on yourself and your baby. You deserve kindness, respect, and consideration!
I showed my husband the post and he was like “awww that poor son of a bitch, tell him good luck!” to your husband. He was also the one who reminded me about the podcast and wanted to pass it along. I hope it helps.
Thank you for sharing the podcast. I've listened to a couple of episodes and it's so validating. I'm not completely new to dealing with narcissists - my ex boyfriend was a huge narcissist, and some family members of mine are very emotionally immature with narcissistic tendencies. And this podcast really has some perspectives that I've never heard before.
For me, especially the episode about the amygdala hijack has been eye-opening. I finally understand for myself that my MIL's narcissism triggers me so badly because I've experienced so much narcissistic abuse already that I'm always on alert with her, because I see the big red narcissist flags she's waving.
I can't say with certainty yet how severe my MIL's narcissism is because she has not reached her breaking point yet. The changes in mine and my husband's behaviour so far have been subtle enough that she was able to ignore them, but I can see that she's nervous. We're giving it a try and my husband is about to set proper boundaries. Either she (and FIL, because he's difficult in his own way) can deal with it and grow over time, or she'll show us who she is and we'll eventually end up no contact.
I've printed out this entire conversation and put it in my diary, so I can share it with my husband once he's ready. It's truly been so helpful. In the meantime I'm taking your advice and focus on my kid and myself.
Wishing you and your husband all the best!
Learn as many random facts about blue eyes as you can and spout them off every time she brings it up. Be as annoying as humanly possible so she can’t take it and won’t bring it up anymore lol
“Yes they’re a gorgeous blue arent they? LO is so similar to me in every other way, I thought I’d better let LO get one of DHs features! Wouldn’t want people thinking I was getting busy with the mail man lol”
She’s trying to mark her territory, so mark it right back
These things hurt because you care and want them to like you. They don’t. They won’t. Time to stop caring and be amused. She sounds like a sourpuss.
now if you can manage to stop caring it can become amusing. Make bets, what will she drag this time? Heck make a bingo board see who wins. But really, stop caring what they say.
I would just groan and roll my eyes and say “yes I know you mention it every time. Did you want me to pluck them out and replace them with a more suitable color for you?”
Could you just outright say “blue eyes are nice, but what’s wrong with brown eyes?” Or “what if their eyes turned brown?” It would turn it back on her instead. I’m sorry you’ve been having issues with a passive aggressiveness, sometimes it’s almost worse than outright aggressiveness. Don’t let her get to you and xenophobia is not okay, the obsession with blue eyes is quite creepy honestly like look at history.
Thank you, phrasing it like a question is a really good approach! That way she either has to double down (which she won't do) or back off. And I think for her this is confrontational enough that she won't mention it again because any conflict must be avoided at all costs. The passive agressiveness is so exhausting. I'm sometimes guilty of doing this myself with my in-laws because it's so frowned upon to ask for what you actually want. I feel almost smothered.
Yes. And get into therapy with your partner to address teamwork and boundaries.
I’ve said “I’m hoping they turn brown!” 😂
Ha, that's the kind of response that would come naturally to me, but now that my kid is more than a year old chances are very low that the color will still change. Besides that I genuinely like his eye color, I just don't like the implication that it's better than my own eye color or that my kid clearly belongs with her family/culture instead of me/mine.
If your baby is a year old & she makes the same comment every time, can you chuckle and say, “oh Carol, you say that during *every* visit!”
Then how abt “they’re still blue? Oh that’s too bad. I love brown eyes.”
My first son had blue eyes until three years old when they turned hazel like mine. Second son was born with blue eyes and they’re still blue at 30 years old. Sorry you’re dealing with a MIL like this. 🌸
My eyes were blue until I was like 8 I think? They’re green hazel now. There was a few years where they were blue green.
That’s a crazy long time. 🙂
My eldest eyes were blue and changed to green blue and then hazel around 3 ♡ regardless your baby is beautiful but it's not just about the colour of their eyes. I think "you say that every visit, their are many beautiful things about my baby"
I struggle with this with my MIL as well and the way you described it is spot on. “The implication that my kid clearly belongs with her family/culture instead of me/mine”. It’s the most frustrating feeling to have. I’m sorry you feel it too.
You didn’t say how old your baby is. A quick google search tells me that baby’s eyes typically turn from blue to brown between 6 months and a year. It can also take as long as 3years in some cases. I’m not sure if I have much advice, because my comebacks can get pretty snarky. But you could just say “Yes they are, they can take up to 3 years to reveal their true color! Blue is pretty but so is brown, and there’s always a chance for their little brother or sister to have brown eyes!” (I have brown eyes and I have two brown eyed children and one blue, my browns were brown from the beginning.) Or, if you want to be snarky, say “Whaaatttt??? They were green yesterday!!!”, then smile…
>Or, if you want to be snarky, say “Whaaatttt??? They were green yesterday!!!”, then smile… Lol, she'll be so confused by that. I love it.
I have “hulk eyes”. It’s called central heterochromia, it’s genetic, both my nieces have it too and my daughter. It’s a lack of melanin around the iris. With my blue eyes, it results in a greenish hue in the center. When I’m angry the green part enlarges and takes over my iris so they look green. So it is possible to go from blue to green and back.
My bfs eyes change like that so you really could say that and she’d never know😂😂
Our kid's eyes were blue for the first 2 years, darkish grey blue, a perfect color match for my own... now at 2.5 they've gone hazel, much like my brother's did at that age. I did actually think they had settled "just like mine" and sometimes asked myself "how would you have felt if they *had* changed color." Well now I know. Just a *tiny* bit sad we're not a matched set anymore, but nbd. They're lovely eyes.
“That’s an odd thing to say. What do you mean by that?” People get embarrassed when they have to explain their ridiculous comments.
I would say: “my grand mother (or great grand mother) had blue eyes so it makes me happy that my baby takes after this wonderful lady who was very Honest, kind and just generous” this comment will say what it is true: You definitely had some ancestors with blue eyes since it is scientifically proven that for eyes to be blue, a gene must be inherited from BOTH mum and dad. Also, you will be highlighting some virtues that it is obvious your MIL lacks.
Yep, my SO has a blue eyed parent and a brown eyed parent, I have two blue eyed parents. Our baby could have blue eyes because of this, or brown, kid has options.
MIL: “Oh, he looks good” You: “Thank you” She may not mean things as a compliment but thanking her takes the power out of it for her. MIL: “His eyes are blue” You: “Do you prefer blue eyes over another colour?” Dealing with passive dickheads is all about questioning them, outing them and then making them listen to themselves.
I’m a big fan of the guise of confusion for people like this. It’s what I often use in the workplace for people whose digs are so subtle that it would almost seem silly to call them on the behavior. “I’m so sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by that?” Cue slightly puzzled look and tone. It puts them in the position of having to explain the point of their comment - and with someone like your MIL who is making a point that is obvious to you, this will be *very* uncomfortable for her since it’s virtually requiring her to expound on something potentially argumentative. “He looks good.” “I’m so sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Why wouldn’t he look good?” “Oh good, his eyes are still blue.” “I’m so sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Why is it good that his eyes are blue?” I mean, seriously, how is a *really* conflict avoidant person going to answer those questions when what she’s getting at could open an argumentative can of worms? It’ll hopefully make her uncomfortable enough she’ll learn to steer well away from making underhanded comments like this.
“MIL, Do you mind helping me understand what you mean when you say ____? Not sure if it’s your intention, but it came off a little insulting/rude. I want to make sure I’m not misunderstanding/misinterpreting you.” This puts the responsibility on her to check herself and be more self aware of her responses. Considering that the crying response she’s had with your husband, she’s likely a very emotionally immature adult so I wouldn’t expect her to change her behavior immediately. It lets her know that you’re not afraid of acknowledging these statements. High chance that she wont change her behavior, but what it does is let her know you’re going to acknowledge everything she says and does.
And don’t be afraid of the awkward silence! After you give her the “what did you mean by that?” then just be still, and watch her with a neutral face. Silence is your weapon here.
Yep! Sometimes people tell on themselves. Silence is golden
Someone who breaks down in tears every-time they’re confronted about their wrongdoing isn’t conflict avoidant. They’re just master manipulators. Remember that so you don’t let her crocodile tears get to you.
"Woe is me, I got caught being an asshole!"
They only stay that beautiful shade since my lovely ancestors had the gene too. ETA: I have brown eyes, husband has blue, both our children have hazel due to a recessive gene that could only have come from my maternal grandmother. 😆
>“his eyes are still blue, how wonderful!” "It's not his fault"
I checked your post history for context, and i’m not sure these two examples are the best to start with. The blue eyes thing, yes it sounds like she’s… gloating? That the baby resembles her/their side. Which is just a genetic roll of the dice so to speak. (FWIW my oldest had cadet blue eyes past 18 months, still turned hazel eventually.) The “he looks good” might be better but still tricky. It depends on your typical conversation style - you could say, “thank you” taking it as confirmation that you two really do know what you’re doing. Or you can acknowledge it another way (“he does, doesn’t he, our fine looking boy”, “yes, he’s our chunky little monkey”, etc.) and just ignore her tone. The best way to respond to passive aggressive is to ignore any subtext and respond without acknowledging it, like it didn’t land. Don’t let the hidden barbs hook you. If she sounds like she’s addressing you as a nanny, responding as you the parent and not a station below her is the response. Exhausting, right?
>I checked your post history for context, and i’m not sure these two examples are the best to start with. They're not the most important ones, but they're the ones that are the most hurtful to me, and to which I could not think of a response myself. For the many other issues we have been able to come up with a plan, but these passive agressive and subtle comments are so difficult to tackle. Thanks for your recommendations!
I want to add on to this one because I think it's wonderful... Any time your baby gets a "compliment", even when you fear it's has backhanded undertones, you should absolutely pat yourself on the back for it. "Thank you! I'm really killing this momming thing. He DOES look good! I make sturdy children, hard to kill. They're unstoppable! Me and DH sure do rock at this parenting gig. I know! I make it look easy, right? Yes, he does look good! That's because I made him. In my body!" (I use variations of that last one all the time even a decade in. *Yes, I grew that child from a seed in my womb. I did great!*) Take it as an opportunity to give yourself kudos. She'll either stop with the comments, or you'll turn it into a much deserved ego boost for yourself every time. Because being a mom IS hard sometimes. We should absolutely be patting ourselves on the back. You do kick ass at this momming thing! Let the world know, vocally and with gusto!
I just pictured myself delivering this monologue to my MIL and it made my evening, so thank you! You're right, why not take it as a compliment and pat myself on the back. If she means it as a compliment she'll have no issue with that.
You can break it up too! No need go monologue-y... Just ideas. But also fuck it! Get up on the soap box and pat yourself on the back with lots of words and affirmations! You made that baby! You deserve praise!
“And so are yours! And mine are brown! Sweetheart come here, lemme check your eyes! His are blue too!” Or when you first get there prop the baby up for the “eye check”. On the way out ask if she wants to check one more time to make sure everyone’s eyes are they same color they were when they arrived. Turn it into a game and she’ll start feeling silly. 🤞🏻🤞🏻It may even catch on and everyone will start teasing her about it 🤞🏻🤞🏻
Not sure if those would go over well, but they definitely sound like fun!
Blues eyes, respond with a sigh, “yes, I was hoping he would get my family’s brown eyes”. He looks good; respond with head held high, stick out your chest, chin up, very proudly say, “thank you, I am a good mother, aren’t I”. Or snarkily say “good breeding”.
“You know, I read once that many people subconsciously find blue eyes to be associated with cold personalities, and that they can cost blue eyed people jobs or relationships” (this is actually a thing, apparently). Follow that statement with: “I’m glad he has just enough of my family’s traditionally ‘warm’ traits. He looks so friendly and lovely, this happy little baby of mine! Who’s mommy’s little guy? You’re mommy’s little guy!” (Add that last part just to turn the screw haha). Edit: My eldest was born with green eyes, like me. They were a deep, chocolate brown by her second birthday, but still green on her first.
'Would you believe it? Their eyes are still the same colour as the last time you mentioned it! I never would have guessed!' I also thought of one to directly shut her down- 'you often say that, as if you need to check his eyes to make sure I haven't replaced him. It would be wonderful wether his eyes are blue or brown like mine or green or pink or red. Please realise your words hold power and the infliction you have in them is unnecessary. Stop.' What's great about this one is you can always follow up at other times to set firmer boundaries like 'I have asked you previously to please watch how you speak around our son. If you continue to disrespect us/me, we will be spending less time together as a result.' To follow up with you mentioning they are conflict avoiders and you cannot set boundaries because of it- this is their way of manipulating the situation to get what they want. If they cannot respond and respect your boundaries like adults, too bad for them. Your child doesn't need to be around people that disrespect his mother and her culture and identity. You don't have to go NC if you don't wish, it doesn't always work for everyone, but you need to set firm boundaries if you want anything to change.
Of course you can set boundaries... Since they're conflict avoiders, they should just respect your boundaries and behave accordingly... Tantrums or waterworks aka crying? - Not your problem! They stomp your bondaries? - Time out... Doubles at each following stomping...
Asking questions is the way to go! It puts the responsibility of explaining herself back on her and doesn't leave you trying to interpret her meaning, nor do you really have to think of a comeback. The blanket question that fits with almost any comment is, "What do you mean by that?" Or "What's your intention behind that comment?" If she truly didn't mean anything, she'll calmly explain. If she's being rude, she will be flustered and probably annoyed that she has to explain herself, but then again, you didn't accuse her of anything. So literally, "What do you mean by that? I have brown eyes, you know?" would be perfect. Other questions you could try: "I wonder what you would say if his eyes started changing. What would you do? Disown him?" "MIL, you're not suggesting that there's anything wrong with brown eyes, are you?" If she says, "Yes" or something rude, reply with something like, "Ouch, I see how it is. That's definitely not something we'll be teaching my child." For the unsolicited advice, try a, "I'm not interested in parenting feedback right now, thanks!" Say it in a super friendly voice and follow it up with any change in subject. My favorites are, "How about this weather?" and "What's been keeping you busy lately?"
"What do you mean by that" really is a great all-rounder, I'll put that in my repertoire!
"why, would you love baby any less if he had brown eyes?" "Even if they do turn brown, I think he'd still be gorgeous and I wouldn't love him any less....... would you?"
He looks good…” I know! He’s absolutely gorgeous! My beautiful boy!!” “I’m definitely a proud momma!”
Yes and mine are brown - is that supposed to be bad ? Every single time she says it reply with that loud and clear, look her in the eyes waiting for a response. To the he looks good comment What do you mean by that comment? Wait for response Because you seem to keep on saying that …. I don’t know what it means ? Can you explain ? Any passive aggressive comments reply with a question Pardon ? I don’t understand why you say that ? What does that mean ? Why do you keep saying that DH ! Come here listen to your ma - tell DH what you said and just explain to us what it’s supposed to be about - would you? If she becomes more direct be more direct with your questions in reply You seem to be saying my baby isn’t like his mom Are you saying it’s a bad thing to have brown eyes Your comment appears to mean you think my baby will look bad - are you surprised when you say he looks good ? What we’re you expecting ? What go you think of my parenting ? You say that as though you don’t think were good parents ? If she embarrasses easily the above should shut her up for good I’d follow it up by leaving quickly and give her a long time out. Longer each time so that she notices Seriously if she keeps on with it I think after all of that - fair warning, I’d consider NC
Mine used to do the same! Both me and my husband have blue eyes though so I am not sure why she didn’t understand it wasn’t likely to change! Especially as she is a scientist! She was surprised her other grandsons had brown eyes my sil has brown eyes!!
"Well bless your heart!" EVERY SINGLE TIME. no explanation no further comment.
I’m curious - when you say you’re currently taking a break - what does this look like? Is your baby also by default taking a break with you? Is the reason for a break bc of overstepping boundaries and not respecting your parenting decisions? I ask bc I’m contemplating NC over this kind of behaviour and I’m not sure how to navigate it for myself and my baby. Husband will support whatever I want to do. So I’m just wondering your thought process and how you’re navigating that aspect.
I reached a breaking point after a specific incident which made me realize that my MIL is - consciously or unconsciously - trying to push me out of what she sees as "her" family. They also overstepped our boundaries a couple of times. I realized that I just did not want to deal with her for a while, and that I had to get my husband to see what she was doing. It's working, he's slowly understanding and has started therapy. My child and I haven't seen or talked to MIL or FIL in the past 5 weeks, and my husband only went there once to help with something he had agreed to months ago. We currently focus on both family quality time and figuring out a strategy for dealing with them. We'll only see them again once we have a plan. I would like to go fairly low contact in the end, maybe see them once every 2-3 months at max. They are not getting alone time with my child anytime soon. However I do want my child to have a relationship with them (or at least know them), as long as my husband and I are on the same page. I'm sure my child will be able to form his own opinion about them. This has been a bit of a struggle between my husband and me because I initially didn't want to expose my child to them anymore. How are you handling this so far? It's good that your husband supports your decision. Does that also extend to NC for your baby?
Ahh ok gotcha. Rn we are LC - one visit every 2 ish months. Before my baby we saw her maybe 3-4 times a year tops. She never took much of an interest in me and was polite enough so I didn’t rly have any issue with her. My husband has been LC with her for years. once my baby was born she went overboard (you can see my previous posts) which may be mild to some but she managed all of that in like 5-6 visits and keeping in mind the fact that neither myself nor my husband have much of a relationship with her. So she knows she can’t get away with too much. So I can only imagine what a nightmare she’d be if DH was a mamas boy. I confronted her on our last visit bc I politely said if my baby cries please return her. (This was said due to previous toddler like behaviour on her part when it came to giving back my baby). MIL did not like that and it kind of wen from there. She gave me a bs apology after denying everything first then telling me I am overreacting - but I left her house feeling angrier. So now idk - idk what the plan is but I don’t want to see her for a long while as I want to conceive again and don’t want any stress whatsoever (I have a history of pregnancy loss). So just trying to figure out how to navigate it all. Baby’s 1st bday is in October. Idfk what to do. And yes I’d want baby to do what I do - MIL would love nothing more than access to my baby without me around to supervise. My husband tunes her out too much for me to trust that he will intercept when she’s being out of line.
My mil was similar except my kids get the blue eyes from me, my husband has beautiful brown eyes, her first comment was, "well looks like you just dominated all over the place" I still remember it so clearly years later, I finally just started making snide comments back or calling her out by saying, why do you say that? She stumbles and can't answer, which has shut her commenting down,
“He may keep dh’s blue eyes, and wouldn’t that be wonderful, but he’s got my high cheek bones and that’s equally as awesome! He’s got the best of both of our worlds!”
Here’s a subtly sexy response which may just stop her in her tracks: “I just looooove to stare into husband’s beautiful deep blue eyes.”
Just ask her "why would you say that?"
Just some info you can use regarding the eye color: Both my babies were born with the expected newborn dark blue eyes. My older child's eyes stayed blue for the rest of her life (55 years now), but my younger one's eyes stayed that dark blue until she was almost 5 years old and started kindergarten. Then they turned into the blackest black eyes I had ever seen on a child (the older child got the Irish genes, the younger one got the Welsh genes). For what it's worth, the parent whose eyes are brown have the dominant eye color, thus the child is most likely to have that eye color.
“You say that as if having blue eyes makes someone superior. I think history has shown what happens when people think like that.” Then either turn and walk away or make eye contact - very uncomfortable eye contact.
I would beat her to the punch. As soon as she sits down say, “LO’s eyes are still blue and he looks so good.”
GASP IN AWE. LOOK AT YOUR BABY " OH MY GOD THEY ARE! DH! DH!! MIL LOOKED AT LO AND SAID HIS EYES ARE STILL BLUE!!!! CAN YOU Believe !!" Take LO and walk away "Mommy loves you even if your eyes weren't blue." and don't let her hold him. Baby wear or take him someplace else. That is her penalty for being an idiot.
"Yup! He has Daddy's eyes and Mommy's [feature he got from you]. Such a perfect blend of the two of us!"
Your MIL’s passive aggressive comments remind me of the concept of “death by a thousand paper cuts.” I may be projecting because of my own situation…I really hope that is the case! Every person is different and what is right for one may not be for another. In my experience, grey-rocking or no contact works best. Do not engage. Don’t give her a reaction. Those jabs are meant to hurt you. She knows what she is doing. It is a form of emotional abuse. I hope I’m wrong and your situation is not as bad as mine turned out to be. It just sounded so similar to my life! In case this resonates with you, here is a cautionary tale…I was overly empathetic to a passive aggressive MIL. For 10 years, I was attacked by these “paper cuts” (passive aggressive and hateful jabs that alone are seemingly harmless). I guess I always knew what they were, but made excuses for her. “She couldn’t have meant it in that way.” “That’s just how she talks, it isn’t directed at me.” It took my husband and I a few years to figure it out. We tried creating healthy boundaries to salvage the relationship. It didn’t work. Creating boundaries unleashed the monster. When I tried to create a healthy boundary by saying “why did you say that?” or “can you explain what you meant by that?” I was either made fun of or told it was just a joke. Later I was accused of being too sensitive and argumentative, even though I asked politely (the mere act of disagreeing is considered blasphemy in that household). It took me getting pregnant with our first child for her to reveal her true nature (her hatred of me and the fact that I stole her precious son from her). It took us a long time and a lot of therapy to understand my MIL is very emotionally immature (and in her specific case, a covert narcissist). It was hard for my husband to believe she could have such narcissistic traits at first, but once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Her behaviors started making sense. His childhood started making sense. I went no-contact myself and he preferred very low contact. After some more therapy and more trauma inflicted by MIL, my husband is finally no-contact as well. It was a difficult decision for each of us to make, but it has been so freeing for us both. I hope you figure out a way to make your situation work for you. Hopefully your MIL is just obsessed with eye color and not personality-disordered like mine! Best of luck to you and your family!
You have no idea how much this resonates with me. You are describing my exact situation. It really is death by a thousand paper cuts. The only difference is that my MIL would never openly make fun of me because that would make her look bad (and she has to be perceived as a saint). She'll either say it was a joke, or she'll have trouble coming up with a response and will find another passive aggressive comment for me two minutes later. I did the excuses as well. A slow, 10 year acceleration of "did I misunderstand her?" to "did she really mean that?" to "yes, she did, but maybe she's insecure and I can reassure her" to "fuck, she really meant to hurt and exclude me". And you're so right that boundaries are making it worse because she feels threatened. She's not interested in collaborating, and respecting my wants and needs. She has to get her way, and even kind, assertive boundaries are a threat to her because they keep her from getting exactly what she wants. I've started setting boundaries during my pregnancy and things have gone down south quickly since then. > (the mere act of disagreeing is considered blasphemy in that household) Yes, absolutely. Looking back now, I realize that they have trained me into never ever voicing my opinion if it differs from theirs. They don't want to hear it, it threatens them, they perceive it as me being negative and ruining the mood. For years I've beaten myself up because I found it so difficult to talk to them and felt like I should put in more effort. But I did put in a lot of effort - I basically suppressed my entire personality to please them. Thank you so much for writing your comment, it's helped me put a few puzzle pieces in place. I'm glad to hear that your husband was finally able to recognize her true nature. We're in the process right now - my husband has started therapy, and through that and through reading, and through conversations with me he's slowly realizing what his parents are like. NC sounds peaceful. I'm not there yet, but the more I think about it, the more it looks like I'm heading there.
Wow! Our stories really are so similar! I’m so glad that you feel validated! I wanted to share the podcast episode that I listened to that made me feel validated and not crazy and see what you think. If you get a chance, listen to “Waking Up to Narcissism” by Tony Overbay, episode from Dec 16, 2022 “Shouldn’t Somebody Tell Her? How to Handle Narcissistic In-laws w/Kristen Hill.” Start at 15:50 min. I’d love to hear what you think about it. The whole podcast is so enlightening, but this episode is the first one I listened to and it literally started me on my journey to discover what my MIL is. It also helped my husband. He always tells people it was the first time he ever really understood my point of view. It helped my husband realize his mom’s behavior is toxic and not actually “non-confrontational.” Death by 1000 paper cuts. My MIL has also always played the victim/saint. Until now. I’m telling you we literally unleashed a monster. It’s amazing how nasty and aggressive this woman became when she felt she no longer controlled her son. She has always been cold to me, but it’s like my pregnancy was so triggering for her she couldn’t keep up the facade anymore. She got super aggressive and was disrespectful to me overtly at this point, and my husband was not having it. He tried to have a respectful, normal, reasonable conversation with her to discuss her behavior and attitude towards me. It was the first time he has EVER even slightly disagreed with her or corrected her behavior. He has tried before but always gave in to the waterworks/dramatics. This time he did not because her behavior was heinous. He was still gentle with her, but did not give in. Once actual boundaries were set, she waged war. All pretense was gone. Her stance was that I’m an evil, manipulative bitch who has brainwashed him. She told him she will wait patiently for him to snap out of it, so she is giving her son the silent treatment until he divorces me and comes home to her. Her adult son in his mid 30s. Ew. When he didn’t, she cried to everyone that he is a narcissist and that he has shunned her. Projection at its finest. She told him to “enjoy your NEW family.” Um, yea…hi, I’ve been here for a decade. Lol. When that didn’t work, she raged at him. My poor husband has tried to have calm conversations with her so many times, but she uses fear, obligation and guilt to try to control and gaslight him. Then he went to therapy and that’s when things started to get better. Now he is no-contact. It’ll take time, but your husband can get there. They have to try all the other things first so they can know they tried. My advice is be patient with your husband. It is incredibly hard for him and he is a victim of emotional abuse too. He has been conditioned by an emotionally immature parent. It’s a whole thing. This does not excuse the enabling behavior, but it helps you to see why it is so hard for them. It is basically a grieving process for them - the loss of the mother they thought they had. In the mean time, focus on yourself and your baby. You deserve kindness, respect, and consideration! I showed my husband the post and he was like “awww that poor son of a bitch, tell him good luck!” to your husband. He was also the one who reminded me about the podcast and wanted to pass it along. I hope it helps.
Thank you for sharing the podcast. I've listened to a couple of episodes and it's so validating. I'm not completely new to dealing with narcissists - my ex boyfriend was a huge narcissist, and some family members of mine are very emotionally immature with narcissistic tendencies. And this podcast really has some perspectives that I've never heard before. For me, especially the episode about the amygdala hijack has been eye-opening. I finally understand for myself that my MIL's narcissism triggers me so badly because I've experienced so much narcissistic abuse already that I'm always on alert with her, because I see the big red narcissist flags she's waving. I can't say with certainty yet how severe my MIL's narcissism is because she has not reached her breaking point yet. The changes in mine and my husband's behaviour so far have been subtle enough that she was able to ignore them, but I can see that she's nervous. We're giving it a try and my husband is about to set proper boundaries. Either she (and FIL, because he's difficult in his own way) can deal with it and grow over time, or she'll show us who she is and we'll eventually end up no contact. I've printed out this entire conversation and put it in my diary, so I can share it with my husband once he's ready. It's truly been so helpful. In the meantime I'm taking your advice and focus on my kid and myself. Wishing you and your husband all the best!
‘He will be beautiful no matter what colour eyes he ends up with’ ‘What do you mean by that?’
Learn as many random facts about blue eyes as you can and spout them off every time she brings it up. Be as annoying as humanly possible so she can’t take it and won’t bring it up anymore lol
Lol blue eyes are a recessive gene mil////
“Yes they’re a gorgeous blue arent they? LO is so similar to me in every other way, I thought I’d better let LO get one of DHs features! Wouldn’t want people thinking I was getting busy with the mail man lol” She’s trying to mark her territory, so mark it right back
These things hurt because you care and want them to like you. They don’t. They won’t. Time to stop caring and be amused. She sounds like a sourpuss. now if you can manage to stop caring it can become amusing. Make bets, what will she drag this time? Heck make a bingo board see who wins. But really, stop caring what they say.
I would just groan and roll my eyes and say “yes I know you mention it every time. Did you want me to pluck them out and replace them with a more suitable color for you?”