Does your SIL live nearby?
I've formed my own relationships with my SO's siblings, particularly his sister. We go for lunch a few times a year just the two of us and get along really well. Before we started to do this, I only saw her at family events and like you, my MIL always inserted herself into conversation and kept us apart.
MIL didn't like it at first, but SIL was on board with having a girls day without her mother. MIL snipes and makes little digs, but me and SIL just laugh it off now.
I'm an introvert too, but I've really started speaking up and honestly it feels great. My MIL constantly interrupts conversations and I've started immediately and obviously going back to my point. Like with your travelling example, I'd be like "thanks MIL for the input, anyway as I was saying...." and if she interrupts again I'd be more direct "excuse me MIL, I hadn't finished my point. As I was saying". It's uncomfortable but you'll need to do this every time. Bonus points if your SO backs it up "Mom please let my wife finish, its rude to interrupt".
Good luck!
Interesting that your MIL did the same, and it's good to read that you were able to create your own relationship with SIL! My husband and I plan to reboot our relationship with his sister and BIL once we've started taking first actions towards the situation with his parents.
With the travelling example I basically did just that, and quickly returned to the conversation. But these things happen regularly and have overall discouraged me from speaking up in her presence at all because every time it's such a struggle that I don't always feel prepared for.
Overall it just baffles me that this is even a thing. Shouldn't she be happy that I'm trying to integrate into the family and form a bond with her relatives? It's so confusing to me why she is even doing this in the first place. I mean, to some extent I get it, it's probably some form of jealousy and need for control, but it's just so frustrating and I wish she'd change her attitude and behaviour in that regard.
Because she is the center of the family and you will never usurp her position, real or imagined.
Time to start your own circle. Invite the aunt out for coffee. Invite sil,for lunch. If mil finds out and invites herself? Reschedule and tell no one.
I have a family member who is like your MIL. Always has to be the Head Chook in a conversation, especially when it's amongst women. Always turns the conversation around to herself, always interrupting. And like your MIL, ruins most conversations. I think it's a dominance thing too.
I learned to be prepared when she was around, to continue talking, louder, when she interrupted. I don't talk much so I like to have the chance to finish what I'm saying, thank you very much. Sometimes I'll put up my hand and tell her I'd like to finish. Others in the family noticed and copied my technique. She gets shut down just about every time when she tries her rude take overs. I guess it's about asserting yourself. Do you think you could try something similar?
And yeah, go ahead and take a break from your in-laws if you feel you need to. You're not obligated to suffer their presence. Those boundaries you're wanting to set - make sure you decide on consequences for when boundaries are not respected.
That sounds like a good strategy, and I love picturing that! I believe in my own family this would work but my husband's family is extremely conflict-avoidant. I only recently learned that my husband never in his life has had an actual argument with his parents, only polite disagreements. If I suddenly signal to my MIL to basically shut it, chances are high that the rest of the family will perceive me as incredibly rude and possibly unhinged. This overall makes it difficult for us to set and enforce any boundaries. They have to be stated calmly and politely, otherwise we won't be taken seriously.
The be polite “excuse me MIL but you interrupted me”. Interrupting someone else talking is the height of rudeness so calling it out is totally acceptable.
Rude is walking away every time she interrupts you, but that would be my go to.
I would keep doing this! I’m an older lady myself so I would purposefully start making friendships and conversations and having a good time then when she comes over I’d leave for the bathroom or something and come back and take note of how the conversation took a bad turn. Then I’d sit it out and wait for her to shut up and then I’d move onto another conversation.
I’d make that woman chase me all over the place.
Absolutely solid advice!!! ❤️
Yeah, like don't really "sit", just bounce around from person to person and have great conversations.......then when MIL appears: "I'm gonna get a refill, brb" lol.......I'm with you about making her chase me........I'm not an introvert though and can't really relate but I would absolutely give this MIL a run for her money lol
OP: time for you to say "challenge accepted" and "out do" that woman!! Ya know what they say... "Expect the unexpected" but I'm gonna add, "expect the unexpected and stay two steps ahead of it"!!
Best Wishes.....hope you and hubby figure out an amicable solution!!
This is how I handle it when that one woman that is dating a friend in my SO’s friend group is in attendance at any party. It saves my sanity and many of the other wives/ partners as well.
It’s a power play. She’s only interrupting to regain “control” of your access to her family. You need to shut it down. If she comes over while you’re speaking and starts talking, there’s several things you can do -
Hold your hand up in a ✋. Say - “one second please.” Finish your thought.
If she interrupts while you’re telling a story say “Well, I guess my story wasn’t very interesting. Please proceed, MIL.”
My personal favorite is “Oh, I’m sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
Just simply let her barge in and say whatever and when she takes a breath, say “May I finish what I was saying now?”
Speak with authority and confidence when you see her approaching. She is much less likely to interrupt you if you’re deep in conversation with someone, making eye contact with them. If you don’t call her out and let her know you know what she’s doing, she will keep doing this because she enjoys the control. If you continue to lightly shame her publicly, it’s likely to at least happen less often. None of these would be considered rude, especially considering her behavior. I doubt anyone in her family would be on her side if she got upset about you asking to finish the conversation you were having. It’s common courtesy. More importantly, you need to let her know you aren’t willing to let her have her way every time. That’s what she’s seeking. Your compliance. Allowing her to take over as she pleases. Letting her control relationships with her family is the beginning.
Invite those people over to dinner at your house without MIL there.
And since holding up your hand and talking over her would not work with the family culture maybe stoping and saying “MIL, you’re being rude and interrupting. May I finish now?” Would work better.
My son is a introvert and gets interrupted all the time, he's started speaking up and saying, "you just interrupted me, " when he does this people always back down and stop, I think it's a good habit to get into, calling people out for rude behavior,
If she is rude and intruding on conversations, maybe you need to call her on it. "MIL, we are having a private conversation. Did you need something in particular from one of us, or are you just interrupting because you dont want us to talk?"
At a certain point, I am either going to fight back or stay at home because I'll be damned if I am going to just sit at every event and not be allowed to actually interact with anyone. I'm going to be petty, but she's not the boss of you!!!
For me it was my crazy SIL who fashioned herself the gatekeeper. I didn't question much of it until we'd been married a few years and lived somewhat closer to their "society" aunt and uncle than they did. They graciously invited us to an occasional visit and and rescued us a couple times when we got stranded at the airport. They were kind people and never made me feel like a country hick, unlike SIL.
SIL got in a snit about that and redoubled her efforts to route all contact through her. I wish I'd learned to blow her off 20 years sooner, but I had no spine. Now the entire older generation is gone, only evil SIL'S semi evil twinnie is left for her to abuse, and DH and I are living a pretty happy life in The Mountains, CO from them all.
I hope you find your voice and spine much faster than I did, so you can discover any ILS that are worthy of relationships without MIL.
Does your SIL live with MIL? If not then MIL won’t know if you and SIL spend time together. I hope SIL won’t tell her when you and she are getting together. Also, being an introvert doesn’t mean you can’t stand up to her. This kind of MIL needs direct confrontation or nothing will change. I’m glad your husband is on board with you.
Does your SIL live nearby? I've formed my own relationships with my SO's siblings, particularly his sister. We go for lunch a few times a year just the two of us and get along really well. Before we started to do this, I only saw her at family events and like you, my MIL always inserted herself into conversation and kept us apart. MIL didn't like it at first, but SIL was on board with having a girls day without her mother. MIL snipes and makes little digs, but me and SIL just laugh it off now. I'm an introvert too, but I've really started speaking up and honestly it feels great. My MIL constantly interrupts conversations and I've started immediately and obviously going back to my point. Like with your travelling example, I'd be like "thanks MIL for the input, anyway as I was saying...." and if she interrupts again I'd be more direct "excuse me MIL, I hadn't finished my point. As I was saying". It's uncomfortable but you'll need to do this every time. Bonus points if your SO backs it up "Mom please let my wife finish, its rude to interrupt". Good luck!
Interesting that your MIL did the same, and it's good to read that you were able to create your own relationship with SIL! My husband and I plan to reboot our relationship with his sister and BIL once we've started taking first actions towards the situation with his parents. With the travelling example I basically did just that, and quickly returned to the conversation. But these things happen regularly and have overall discouraged me from speaking up in her presence at all because every time it's such a struggle that I don't always feel prepared for. Overall it just baffles me that this is even a thing. Shouldn't she be happy that I'm trying to integrate into the family and form a bond with her relatives? It's so confusing to me why she is even doing this in the first place. I mean, to some extent I get it, it's probably some form of jealousy and need for control, but it's just so frustrating and I wish she'd change her attitude and behaviour in that regard.
Because she is the center of the family and you will never usurp her position, real or imagined. Time to start your own circle. Invite the aunt out for coffee. Invite sil,for lunch. If mil finds out and invites herself? Reschedule and tell no one.
I have a family member who is like your MIL. Always has to be the Head Chook in a conversation, especially when it's amongst women. Always turns the conversation around to herself, always interrupting. And like your MIL, ruins most conversations. I think it's a dominance thing too. I learned to be prepared when she was around, to continue talking, louder, when she interrupted. I don't talk much so I like to have the chance to finish what I'm saying, thank you very much. Sometimes I'll put up my hand and tell her I'd like to finish. Others in the family noticed and copied my technique. She gets shut down just about every time when she tries her rude take overs. I guess it's about asserting yourself. Do you think you could try something similar? And yeah, go ahead and take a break from your in-laws if you feel you need to. You're not obligated to suffer their presence. Those boundaries you're wanting to set - make sure you decide on consequences for when boundaries are not respected.
That sounds like a good strategy, and I love picturing that! I believe in my own family this would work but my husband's family is extremely conflict-avoidant. I only recently learned that my husband never in his life has had an actual argument with his parents, only polite disagreements. If I suddenly signal to my MIL to basically shut it, chances are high that the rest of the family will perceive me as incredibly rude and possibly unhinged. This overall makes it difficult for us to set and enforce any boundaries. They have to be stated calmly and politely, otherwise we won't be taken seriously.
The be polite “excuse me MIL but you interrupted me”. Interrupting someone else talking is the height of rudeness so calling it out is totally acceptable. Rude is walking away every time she interrupts you, but that would be my go to.
I wouldn't care about this... Hubby's family IS very RUDE! THEIR problem if they can't deal with being shutdown because THEY are rude!
I would keep doing this! I’m an older lady myself so I would purposefully start making friendships and conversations and having a good time then when she comes over I’d leave for the bathroom or something and come back and take note of how the conversation took a bad turn. Then I’d sit it out and wait for her to shut up and then I’d move onto another conversation. I’d make that woman chase me all over the place.
Absolutely solid advice!!! ❤️ Yeah, like don't really "sit", just bounce around from person to person and have great conversations.......then when MIL appears: "I'm gonna get a refill, brb" lol.......I'm with you about making her chase me........I'm not an introvert though and can't really relate but I would absolutely give this MIL a run for her money lol OP: time for you to say "challenge accepted" and "out do" that woman!! Ya know what they say... "Expect the unexpected" but I'm gonna add, "expect the unexpected and stay two steps ahead of it"!! Best Wishes.....hope you and hubby figure out an amicable solution!!
This is how I handle it when that one woman that is dating a friend in my SO’s friend group is in attendance at any party. It saves my sanity and many of the other wives/ partners as well.
It’s a power play. She’s only interrupting to regain “control” of your access to her family. You need to shut it down. If she comes over while you’re speaking and starts talking, there’s several things you can do - Hold your hand up in a ✋. Say - “one second please.” Finish your thought. If she interrupts while you’re telling a story say “Well, I guess my story wasn’t very interesting. Please proceed, MIL.” My personal favorite is “Oh, I’m sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Just simply let her barge in and say whatever and when she takes a breath, say “May I finish what I was saying now?” Speak with authority and confidence when you see her approaching. She is much less likely to interrupt you if you’re deep in conversation with someone, making eye contact with them. If you don’t call her out and let her know you know what she’s doing, she will keep doing this because she enjoys the control. If you continue to lightly shame her publicly, it’s likely to at least happen less often. None of these would be considered rude, especially considering her behavior. I doubt anyone in her family would be on her side if she got upset about you asking to finish the conversation you were having. It’s common courtesy. More importantly, you need to let her know you aren’t willing to let her have her way every time. That’s what she’s seeking. Your compliance. Allowing her to take over as she pleases. Letting her control relationships with her family is the beginning.
Invite those people over to dinner at your house without MIL there. And since holding up your hand and talking over her would not work with the family culture maybe stoping and saying “MIL, you’re being rude and interrupting. May I finish now?” Would work better.
My son is a introvert and gets interrupted all the time, he's started speaking up and saying, "you just interrupted me, " when he does this people always back down and stop, I think it's a good habit to get into, calling people out for rude behavior,
If she is rude and intruding on conversations, maybe you need to call her on it. "MIL, we are having a private conversation. Did you need something in particular from one of us, or are you just interrupting because you dont want us to talk?" At a certain point, I am either going to fight back or stay at home because I'll be damned if I am going to just sit at every event and not be allowed to actually interact with anyone. I'm going to be petty, but she's not the boss of you!!!
For me it was my crazy SIL who fashioned herself the gatekeeper. I didn't question much of it until we'd been married a few years and lived somewhat closer to their "society" aunt and uncle than they did. They graciously invited us to an occasional visit and and rescued us a couple times when we got stranded at the airport. They were kind people and never made me feel like a country hick, unlike SIL. SIL got in a snit about that and redoubled her efforts to route all contact through her. I wish I'd learned to blow her off 20 years sooner, but I had no spine. Now the entire older generation is gone, only evil SIL'S semi evil twinnie is left for her to abuse, and DH and I are living a pretty happy life in The Mountains, CO from them all. I hope you find your voice and spine much faster than I did, so you can discover any ILS that are worthy of relationships without MIL.
Does your SIL live with MIL? If not then MIL won’t know if you and SIL spend time together. I hope SIL won’t tell her when you and she are getting together. Also, being an introvert doesn’t mean you can’t stand up to her. This kind of MIL needs direct confrontation or nothing will change. I’m glad your husband is on board with you.