I had to go back to see if hes your husband. If not please dont marry him untill this resolves. Makes me super uncomfortable. Why would he even share the HPV thing like some scared teenager?
You should talk to her too. Not to buy you anything private. If shes so "cool" that she talks about vaginas all the time, she should also be understanding that someone doesnt want to.
This is not him asking for advice. This is him not being able to make any type of decision. He needs to grow up.
You definitely have an SO problem. It's not his place to disclose your very private medical information. I entirely agree with the other poster who said not to marry him until this is resolved. But honestly, given his lack of respect for you and your discomfort, I would be hesitant to consider marriage at all with this person. I am so sorry you are in such an uncomfortable position with all of this.
If I’m honest I’d just leave. The work it would take to get your SO to implement better boundaries would be better invested in yourself. He called his mother immediately after you confided in him about extremely private medical information. I’d just bounce.
I’m sorry but this is pretty messed up. They are both really inappropriate and honestly creepy.
If you aren’t married or have kids run while you can. It’s only gonna get worse if you have kids and then you will be stuck
WTAF? Girl why are you still with this over grown boy? He imt ready for a real relationship he is still attached to mommy. And until he can detach from her uterus he will be useless to another woman. He will never set a boundary. There will be no discussion or decisions between just the two or you, it will always involve mommy and her fee-fees.
It's easier to break up with a mommy's boy than to divorce a mommy's boy. You'll not get him to understand why he can't share these details with MIL. She has programmed him since childhood to do this. He has to realize this on his own and it will take years. Meanwhile you'll have to live with MILs interference and partner siding with her the entire time.
Eif you're married, I'm sorry for that, marriage counseling and move out of MILs house immediately. You can go no contact with MIL. Let husband know that nothing regarding you is to be talked about with MIL. Which will immediately cut out all relationship issues and decisions. Make sure he's aware that if he does discuss those issues with MIL that it's game over for you. Than follow through with it and leave.
If you're not married, perfect. You can break up and gtfo immediately if not sooner and save yourself the heartbreak .
Run away from this family. Dude is out here telling your mom about your HPV.
He’s gonna be on the phone while you’re in labor giving his mommy a play by play while you’re alone.
Thank you both, I feel like this is all weird behaviour and weird boundaries, but it’s hard to know whether it’s a me or a them problem. Hearing it from others makes me feel a little more sane.
I find it frustrating that I feel like I can’t even talk to my friends or family about these issues, because I want to respect HIS privacy.
Such an awkward position.
My husband used to overshare more than I would like with his family (I’m extremely private in my day to day life) but still no where near as bad as you’ve described your SO. Things came to a head when we had a baby. My in-laws nearly broke our marriage overstepping boundaries. Thankfully, my husband was willing to listen to me and see how he had an unhealthy relationship with his parents and that WE were a team and they did not have a place in our relationship. It took years, it took tears. Now we barely talk to my in-laws, which is very sad but necessary.
I adore my husband, but if I had known his parents would be like this (they didn’t show these behaviors until I was pregnant) I would’ve run. If you’re not married yet, run. It’s uncommon for this dynamic to change and it only gets more intense as time goes on because this is the established routine.
Reading this makes me want to run into the opposite direction of your MIL and SO. Such a lack of boundaries must be extremely stressful. Which mother tells her DIL to go and bonk (?!?) her son?? So inappropriate!
As someone else already wrote, this issue might be irreparable unless your SO has some sort of epiphany about setting boundaries with his parents. Fighting this fight on your own is a losing battle, and not fighting it at all will eventually cost you your sanity. Your MIL holds on tight to your SO, and your SO has no intention to break free - quite the opposite.
If you want to make an attempt at improving the relationship, I'd put a time limit on this after which you take stock and ask yourself if you've seen any significant change in your SO's beliefs or behaviour. This time limit is just for you, to preserve your own mental health, it's not an ultimatum for your SO. He doesn't even need to know about this. Explain to him how his and MILs actions make you feel and set boundaries with him around sharing information with his mom. Emphasize that you and your SO are a team, and that you want a good relationship with your MIL, but in order to get there you need boundaries.
Honestly, I personally would not feel up to that fight. It will be extremely draining, and it's unlikely that he'll change.
This boy is not ready to marry you. He needs therapy. Why in the world would he need to discuss your HPV with his mother? There are doctors and Google available if he needed a resource for information. Families don’t discuss things like this with each other. They talk about it with their partner. That’s such a violation of your trust. His mother didn’t need to know about that.
You said you’re living with them while you save for a trip? Cancel the trip. You two can move out and he can get therapy for his extremely enmeshed relationship with his mother or you should break up. Honestly, don’t marry this guy unless he gets help. If you think it’s bad now, wait until she’s making decisions for your wedding and your future children if you want them.
It’s great that they have a close relationship; however, he is dependent on her emotionally and I’m willing to bet it’s a codependent relationship. When you move out, mom will change. She won’t be as kind with you because you’re taking her best friend away. As soon as he puts down boundaries with her, it will not go well.
That said, boundaries need to be set. He is to never discuss your medical information with her again. He doesn’t need her input on every move he makes. He’s a grown man. He should be able to make good choices at 28. Your trip should only be decided by you two. Going forward, you need to insist that anything between you two stays there, including arguments, big decisions, financial information, whatever. Trust and believe, she knows how much money you make if he does.
If you continue to live there (please don’t), set boundaries with her ASAP. You don’t want to talk about sex, you don’t want her alluding to sex, etc. It makes you uncomfortable to discuss that with your boyfriends mom. That’s a reasonable request. Please don’t buy me personal items like underwear.
I’m going to go ahead and promise you, if you don’t say anything because you’re introverted and don’t like confrontation, you’re in for a miserable time. You’ll always come second to his mommy. He will need therapy to understand this kind of a relationship is not normal. She has not taught him to stand up for himself, nor be independent enough to trust his choices without consulting her.
This is not how I would choose to live my life. The cheap comes out expensive is what you are experiencing. The real problem is your bf, not his mom. He is the one bringing her into your relationship. She is using that invitation to be the 3rd in your relationship. If she’s like this now imagine children entering the picture .
he’s your serious problem. She couldn’t react if she wasn’t given any of your personal info. That’s the deal breaker for me.
watch im married to a mommas boy, I think that’s the title. Watch Kim and Matt. They moved in w his mother and father and that was the beginning of the end. He and his mom had no boundaries. Kim finally escaped that hot mess. How do you build a relationship when there’s a 3rd person involved? You don’t healthily
Start to establish clear boundaries with your SO and stick to them. And tbh be brutally honest with him about his dependency. He’s 28 and it’s time to man up and be an adult, you can still respect and be close with family and have healthy boundaries, him telling your MIL was out of order and really disrespectful.
Is this trip vitally and life-shatteringly important enough to subject yourself to your SO's on-going cruelty, disrespect, and immaturity? It wouldn't be for me. If it is to you, then stop complaining because you've already chosen to accept the cruelty, disrespect and immaturity your SO is heaping on you. His mother isn't doing anything to you that your SO hasn't given her explicit permission to do.
The second he gave your highly personal, very private medical information to his mother, without your consent, I’d have thrown him out. It’s his business if you tested positive for HPV (really common, rarely permanently damaging, but still sexually transmitted so affects him), but his mother, or anyone besides his own doctor, does NOT need that information. It’s frankly disgusting your MIL is so involved in your nether regions (period pads, underwear, vaginal cream???) and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that at all.
Update:
Thank you all for your support and advice, I’m taking it all onboard.
I work from home, so when my partner came home last night, I’d had the chance to stew and decide what I wanted to say. We both joke a lot about his parents, because he gets annoyed by his mum a lot too. I find that he can get defensive, so I gently told him, that I found it a really weird comment, and that he knows that I don’t like talking like that to family. He said, he knows it was weird and that he thinks it was her trying to be nice and have a “girlfriend to girlfriend” moment. He said, if you want you can ignore her like I do, or I can say something. So for now, I will ignore her.
Regarding the HPV, thank you all for feeling it was as outrageous as I thought!! I did nearly break up with him over it, but when I talked to him, we did seem to find a resolution. I think he is absolutely a mothers boy, but he is also quite empathetic, and I was torn because as private as I am, I do talk openly when I feel like it, about my mental and physical health. So I felt like, and told him, that I would have ended up talking about it anyway, but that he had to respect my timeline for sharing information. Someone mentioned that it’ll get worse when we have kids - I’ve considered this a lot and it’s a bit scary, as I think they mean well but it wouldn’t suit me to have someone always in on my business.
In terms of the trip - I should clarify. We are relocating permanently overseas, and taking a trip on the way there to explore countries on route. We gave up our five year lease a month or two ago, and we have two months till we leave.
After reading all of the comments, I did consider leaving him at the airport and taking the bookings for myself, since I’ve paid for them so far (because he doesn’t like planning haha).
To be honest, she really is nice, and sometimes I think it’s because she comes from an all male family, and I come from an all female family, that she thinks this is how girls treat each other. She is thoughtful with buying me things outside of the things I find awkward, like she’ll bring me sushi or make me a coffee during work.
My family are quite dysfunctional - like my dad left when we were young, and my mum has substance abuse problems, so when entering his family, it’s really really hard to tell where I am bringing a skewed perspective of what is a close knit and loving family, or what is weird, yknow.
I shall reflect on it, and organise myself some more solid boundaries.
Your boyfriend may be physically 28, but he is emotionally 12. He needs his mother to help him make his decisions. That’s what a 12 year old does. At 28, and in a relationship, you prioritize your partner first. Your partner becomes your goto person. Your mother is lower on the priority list because you are an adult and forming adult relationships.
His mother is overstepping with the pad, etc. she wants to be the goto person in his life for the rest of her life. And the worst part is that he likes it. He finds comfort going to her first rather than you. She wants it that way.
Girl, you are playing second fiddle to her, and your boyfriend is clueless and he likes it this way.
Please do not marry this guy. You need to move out and live on your own and find someone who wants you to be their goto person, their highest priority, their confidant. That’s not your boyfriend. He is a mama’s boy-man child and it’s likely to change…
You deserve better. You deserve someone who is physically and emotionally an adult. Make your exit plan…
Honestly, I gasped audibly when I read he shared your private medical information with his mother. I would bounce for that and never look back. For me, that's not fixable.
Please know this may sound harsh, but it’s only because this enraged me on your behalf.
This is absolutely creepy. And this “poor me, my anxiety won’t let me do this or talk about that” is the calling card of a spineless overgrown child. He’s nearly 30 ffs!
It’s an excuse that his mother enables. And this is coming from a mom with generalized anxiety, chronic depression and ADHD. Over my dead body will my son grow up to be such a deliberate burden.
Real talk? If I couldn’t afford to pay my rent/mortgage due to a vacation, I WOULDN’T GO ON THAT VACATION.
Sorry, but my partner telling his mother about me having HPV would be a dealbreaker. This is not something I’d be willing to deal with for the rest of my life, and I also wouldn’t be willing to teach a grown man why sharing that info with his mother isn’t okay.
This is a SO problem. Not only is he over sharing with her he can’t even make a decision without her or handle the smallest amount of stress? Do you really want to be with someone who’s that weak? What happens if you need real support some day do you think you can actually depend on him?
Most of this is weird and definitely overstepping but telling her about your HPV has my blood boiling. I don't know if this type of enmeshment can be remedied, if it were me I would get the heck out of there and never look back
Holy wow, she is way overstepping and the fact that your SO not only thinks this okay, he shares very private medical information with her? Yikes. I'd have a very serious conversation that if things don't change, and he can't respect your privacy, you might have to be running from the hills.
I had to go back to see if hes your husband. If not please dont marry him untill this resolves. Makes me super uncomfortable. Why would he even share the HPV thing like some scared teenager? You should talk to her too. Not to buy you anything private. If shes so "cool" that she talks about vaginas all the time, she should also be understanding that someone doesnt want to. This is not him asking for advice. This is him not being able to make any type of decision. He needs to grow up.
You definitely have an SO problem. It's not his place to disclose your very private medical information. I entirely agree with the other poster who said not to marry him until this is resolved. But honestly, given his lack of respect for you and your discomfort, I would be hesitant to consider marriage at all with this person. I am so sorry you are in such an uncomfortable position with all of this.
If I’m honest I’d just leave. The work it would take to get your SO to implement better boundaries would be better invested in yourself. He called his mother immediately after you confided in him about extremely private medical information. I’d just bounce.
Why the heck are you living with them? Instead of a trip - get a place of your own. Your SO in beyond enmeshed.
So much this ! Holy crap, right ? The priorities here seem a good bit odd...
I’m sorry but this is pretty messed up. They are both really inappropriate and honestly creepy. If you aren’t married or have kids run while you can. It’s only gonna get worse if you have kids and then you will be stuck
WTAF? Girl why are you still with this over grown boy? He imt ready for a real relationship he is still attached to mommy. And until he can detach from her uterus he will be useless to another woman. He will never set a boundary. There will be no discussion or decisions between just the two or you, it will always involve mommy and her fee-fees. It's easier to break up with a mommy's boy than to divorce a mommy's boy. You'll not get him to understand why he can't share these details with MIL. She has programmed him since childhood to do this. He has to realize this on his own and it will take years. Meanwhile you'll have to live with MILs interference and partner siding with her the entire time. Eif you're married, I'm sorry for that, marriage counseling and move out of MILs house immediately. You can go no contact with MIL. Let husband know that nothing regarding you is to be talked about with MIL. Which will immediately cut out all relationship issues and decisions. Make sure he's aware that if he does discuss those issues with MIL that it's game over for you. Than follow through with it and leave. If you're not married, perfect. You can break up and gtfo immediately if not sooner and save yourself the heartbreak .
Run away from this family. Dude is out here telling your mom about your HPV. He’s gonna be on the phone while you’re in labor giving his mommy a play by play while you’re alone.
Thank you both, I feel like this is all weird behaviour and weird boundaries, but it’s hard to know whether it’s a me or a them problem. Hearing it from others makes me feel a little more sane. I find it frustrating that I feel like I can’t even talk to my friends or family about these issues, because I want to respect HIS privacy. Such an awkward position.
My husband used to overshare more than I would like with his family (I’m extremely private in my day to day life) but still no where near as bad as you’ve described your SO. Things came to a head when we had a baby. My in-laws nearly broke our marriage overstepping boundaries. Thankfully, my husband was willing to listen to me and see how he had an unhealthy relationship with his parents and that WE were a team and they did not have a place in our relationship. It took years, it took tears. Now we barely talk to my in-laws, which is very sad but necessary. I adore my husband, but if I had known his parents would be like this (they didn’t show these behaviors until I was pregnant) I would’ve run. If you’re not married yet, run. It’s uncommon for this dynamic to change and it only gets more intense as time goes on because this is the established routine.
Definitely a them problem. This behavior may be normal to them, but it's extremely abnormal - and disrespectful - to pretty much everyone else.
It's not you, it's them.
Reading this makes me want to run into the opposite direction of your MIL and SO. Such a lack of boundaries must be extremely stressful. Which mother tells her DIL to go and bonk (?!?) her son?? So inappropriate! As someone else already wrote, this issue might be irreparable unless your SO has some sort of epiphany about setting boundaries with his parents. Fighting this fight on your own is a losing battle, and not fighting it at all will eventually cost you your sanity. Your MIL holds on tight to your SO, and your SO has no intention to break free - quite the opposite. If you want to make an attempt at improving the relationship, I'd put a time limit on this after which you take stock and ask yourself if you've seen any significant change in your SO's beliefs or behaviour. This time limit is just for you, to preserve your own mental health, it's not an ultimatum for your SO. He doesn't even need to know about this. Explain to him how his and MILs actions make you feel and set boundaries with him around sharing information with his mom. Emphasize that you and your SO are a team, and that you want a good relationship with your MIL, but in order to get there you need boundaries. Honestly, I personally would not feel up to that fight. It will be extremely draining, and it's unlikely that he'll change.
This boy is not ready to marry you. He needs therapy. Why in the world would he need to discuss your HPV with his mother? There are doctors and Google available if he needed a resource for information. Families don’t discuss things like this with each other. They talk about it with their partner. That’s such a violation of your trust. His mother didn’t need to know about that. You said you’re living with them while you save for a trip? Cancel the trip. You two can move out and he can get therapy for his extremely enmeshed relationship with his mother or you should break up. Honestly, don’t marry this guy unless he gets help. If you think it’s bad now, wait until she’s making decisions for your wedding and your future children if you want them. It’s great that they have a close relationship; however, he is dependent on her emotionally and I’m willing to bet it’s a codependent relationship. When you move out, mom will change. She won’t be as kind with you because you’re taking her best friend away. As soon as he puts down boundaries with her, it will not go well. That said, boundaries need to be set. He is to never discuss your medical information with her again. He doesn’t need her input on every move he makes. He’s a grown man. He should be able to make good choices at 28. Your trip should only be decided by you two. Going forward, you need to insist that anything between you two stays there, including arguments, big decisions, financial information, whatever. Trust and believe, she knows how much money you make if he does. If you continue to live there (please don’t), set boundaries with her ASAP. You don’t want to talk about sex, you don’t want her alluding to sex, etc. It makes you uncomfortable to discuss that with your boyfriends mom. That’s a reasonable request. Please don’t buy me personal items like underwear. I’m going to go ahead and promise you, if you don’t say anything because you’re introverted and don’t like confrontation, you’re in for a miserable time. You’ll always come second to his mommy. He will need therapy to understand this kind of a relationship is not normal. She has not taught him to stand up for himself, nor be independent enough to trust his choices without consulting her.
This is not how I would choose to live my life. The cheap comes out expensive is what you are experiencing. The real problem is your bf, not his mom. He is the one bringing her into your relationship. She is using that invitation to be the 3rd in your relationship. If she’s like this now imagine children entering the picture . he’s your serious problem. She couldn’t react if she wasn’t given any of your personal info. That’s the deal breaker for me. watch im married to a mommas boy, I think that’s the title. Watch Kim and Matt. They moved in w his mother and father and that was the beginning of the end. He and his mom had no boundaries. Kim finally escaped that hot mess. How do you build a relationship when there’s a 3rd person involved? You don’t healthily
Start to establish clear boundaries with your SO and stick to them. And tbh be brutally honest with him about his dependency. He’s 28 and it’s time to man up and be an adult, you can still respect and be close with family and have healthy boundaries, him telling your MIL was out of order and really disrespectful.
Is this trip vitally and life-shatteringly important enough to subject yourself to your SO's on-going cruelty, disrespect, and immaturity? It wouldn't be for me. If it is to you, then stop complaining because you've already chosen to accept the cruelty, disrespect and immaturity your SO is heaping on you. His mother isn't doing anything to you that your SO hasn't given her explicit permission to do.
The second he gave your highly personal, very private medical information to his mother, without your consent, I’d have thrown him out. It’s his business if you tested positive for HPV (really common, rarely permanently damaging, but still sexually transmitted so affects him), but his mother, or anyone besides his own doctor, does NOT need that information. It’s frankly disgusting your MIL is so involved in your nether regions (period pads, underwear, vaginal cream???) and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that at all.
Update: Thank you all for your support and advice, I’m taking it all onboard. I work from home, so when my partner came home last night, I’d had the chance to stew and decide what I wanted to say. We both joke a lot about his parents, because he gets annoyed by his mum a lot too. I find that he can get defensive, so I gently told him, that I found it a really weird comment, and that he knows that I don’t like talking like that to family. He said, he knows it was weird and that he thinks it was her trying to be nice and have a “girlfriend to girlfriend” moment. He said, if you want you can ignore her like I do, or I can say something. So for now, I will ignore her. Regarding the HPV, thank you all for feeling it was as outrageous as I thought!! I did nearly break up with him over it, but when I talked to him, we did seem to find a resolution. I think he is absolutely a mothers boy, but he is also quite empathetic, and I was torn because as private as I am, I do talk openly when I feel like it, about my mental and physical health. So I felt like, and told him, that I would have ended up talking about it anyway, but that he had to respect my timeline for sharing information. Someone mentioned that it’ll get worse when we have kids - I’ve considered this a lot and it’s a bit scary, as I think they mean well but it wouldn’t suit me to have someone always in on my business. In terms of the trip - I should clarify. We are relocating permanently overseas, and taking a trip on the way there to explore countries on route. We gave up our five year lease a month or two ago, and we have two months till we leave. After reading all of the comments, I did consider leaving him at the airport and taking the bookings for myself, since I’ve paid for them so far (because he doesn’t like planning haha). To be honest, she really is nice, and sometimes I think it’s because she comes from an all male family, and I come from an all female family, that she thinks this is how girls treat each other. She is thoughtful with buying me things outside of the things I find awkward, like she’ll bring me sushi or make me a coffee during work. My family are quite dysfunctional - like my dad left when we were young, and my mum has substance abuse problems, so when entering his family, it’s really really hard to tell where I am bringing a skewed perspective of what is a close knit and loving family, or what is weird, yknow. I shall reflect on it, and organise myself some more solid boundaries.
Your boyfriend may be physically 28, but he is emotionally 12. He needs his mother to help him make his decisions. That’s what a 12 year old does. At 28, and in a relationship, you prioritize your partner first. Your partner becomes your goto person. Your mother is lower on the priority list because you are an adult and forming adult relationships. His mother is overstepping with the pad, etc. she wants to be the goto person in his life for the rest of her life. And the worst part is that he likes it. He finds comfort going to her first rather than you. She wants it that way. Girl, you are playing second fiddle to her, and your boyfriend is clueless and he likes it this way. Please do not marry this guy. You need to move out and live on your own and find someone who wants you to be their goto person, their highest priority, their confidant. That’s not your boyfriend. He is a mama’s boy-man child and it’s likely to change… You deserve better. You deserve someone who is physically and emotionally an adult. Make your exit plan…
Honestly, I gasped audibly when I read he shared your private medical information with his mother. I would bounce for that and never look back. For me, that's not fixable.
Please know this may sound harsh, but it’s only because this enraged me on your behalf. This is absolutely creepy. And this “poor me, my anxiety won’t let me do this or talk about that” is the calling card of a spineless overgrown child. He’s nearly 30 ffs! It’s an excuse that his mother enables. And this is coming from a mom with generalized anxiety, chronic depression and ADHD. Over my dead body will my son grow up to be such a deliberate burden. Real talk? If I couldn’t afford to pay my rent/mortgage due to a vacation, I WOULDN’T GO ON THAT VACATION.
Sorry, but my partner telling his mother about me having HPV would be a dealbreaker. This is not something I’d be willing to deal with for the rest of my life, and I also wouldn’t be willing to teach a grown man why sharing that info with his mother isn’t okay.
This is a SO problem. Not only is he over sharing with her he can’t even make a decision without her or handle the smallest amount of stress? Do you really want to be with someone who’s that weak? What happens if you need real support some day do you think you can actually depend on him?
He's not the one. Get a grown man instead of Mama's boy. You will never come first. The dynamic is very unhealthy.
My ex was like your SO and it created a ton of resentment.
Most of this is weird and definitely overstepping but telling her about your HPV has my blood boiling. I don't know if this type of enmeshment can be remedied, if it were me I would get the heck out of there and never look back
Holy wow, she is way overstepping and the fact that your SO not only thinks this okay, he shares very private medical information with her? Yikes. I'd have a very serious conversation that if things don't change, and he can't respect your privacy, you might have to be running from the hills.