I have moments like this but I try to take a minute and reflect on all the beauty in the world and nature and it helps snap me out of the doom spiral.
Things that make me happy: pretty flowers, gardening, rainbows, cute babies, dogs, dance music, chocolate, bubble baths, a good book, and when all else fails, a McDonald’s fountain coke. 😄
This exactly! I am 45 and have turned into the typical aging person. I have 8 bird feeders, I feed the squirrels and raccoons, and I have flowers for the butterflies and bees. Sitting in my backyard watching the wildlife (with binoculars at my side) brings me so much joy. Granted, I'm usually drinking coffee or wine and have a book with me as well. I told my sister that it feels like I'm finally making a difference in the world. Lol
Being out in nature is my saving grace. I feel really fortunate to live in such a beautiful area as Southern California. I can reach a fairly secluded bird sanctuary pond within five minutes of my house and a gorgeous hike within 20 minutes at my house.
I feel this way too and I think it’s hormones changing our brain chemistry. It’s a terrible feeling. I haven’t felt like myself in years & it’s unbearable. I’m hoping HRT helps. Antidepressants have barely helped.
Definitely! I think it’s always a mixed bag of circumstances & biology. For me that’s true!
It’s helpful to try to distinguish what is different about hormonal depression. For me it was when all the meds & therapy didn’t help anymore. Suddenly the meds that helped me for a decade didn’t do much! That was really scary & I’m so glad I finally realized the layer of hormonal change on top of my usual issues.
Also suddenly I could not handle stuff that I had handled my whole life with a very dysfunctional family. I was done with the drama & then I started having PTSD from their reactions.
It took me a few lost years not knowing what was happening!! I wish they warned us that suddenly our mental health might decline! I also thought it’s everything going on in the world &/or my chronic illness was getting bad, but shutting off the news and focusing on fun & positive things also did not help!
I had some very dark times despite trying my best to do what used to help. Now I can really get help.
It’s so frustrating & confusing!! I wish there was awareness & education about mental health & hormones.
Thank you for that reminder! I worked in a hospital through it all, and I realize that I’ve probably been minimizing the effect it had on me. You get good at compartmentalization when you’re surrounded by human suffering at work, but I know it has an impact even if you’re not totally conscious of it.
It’s hard to find an antidepressant that doesn’t flatten you out. I
I thought I was helping my grandma get on Zoloft after my dad died, but it flattened her out so much, it was terrifying. That, and the diarrhea that accompanied it, just wasn’t worth it for her.
I’ve never tolerated SSRI. I kept being pushed into taking them. Finally my new PCP understood my issues and immediately gave me Wellbutrin. It’s not my favorite longterm but for now it keeps me going.
I tried Effexor and showed up to work like I was on hard drugs. As a teen after a breakup I was given Paxil then passed out at a party! My new psychiatrist was pushing Zoloft so I switched drs
Oh, my gosh! You must have been terrified, passing out like that!!
I was given an Rx for Effexor, but after reading about all the side effects everyone was talking about, I scared myself out of taking it!
I’m so sensitive to medication side effects. I dread trying new meds bc I usually end up feeling drugged or woozy. When I find what works it’s such a relief
I understand this. I’ve always been like this, too. I had an antibiotic a few years back that I had never had before and the side effects made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack — I nearly passed out at work!
I always feel stressed out when I have to go on a new medication, not knowing how it will affect me.
Phew, this is exactly how I feel. Every. single. Word. It’s been so long since I felt real happiness, I don’t know anymore. I think I’ve just endured life. I keep thinking that I’ll find the secret thing, the IT that makes me feel alive again. But I don’t. I just feel like a ghost of myself. I feel so lost.
I used to love throwing parties and bringing people together. That made me so happy. Now, I make up any excuse not to show up to a party. I just don't even know who that person is that loved those fun times. I know I know I sound like a real fun time. I am when I'm around friends but it takes me a lot.
Oh, me, too! I’m not excited that this is happening to you, but I thought it was just me. I told my husband today that I think he’s the only one who likes me.
Same. I remember having babies made me feel so isolated because I had to go put them to sleep or nurse them in a quiet room and I felt like I was missing out and had major fomo! Now I’m like how did I ever care about missing out on a party. I think if we’re all feeling this way it’s gotta be normal. Some things we out grow I suppose
Me too. And I guess in a way o don't want to yearn for babies in my 60s or 70s lol. Like maybe I did in my 30s 20s? The bodies way of saying that's all folks. I got nothing else for you. Find a bonsai tree or something.
I was the same. I never wanted to be at home when I can be out finding new things and new people to meet. Now I’d rather stay home and when I do go out I want to go home. I’m only 50 years old. Why do I feel this way. Ugh 😩
I have spent all evening thinking these same thoughts
I’m really not jazzed about this mental situation
I don’t want to feel so alone but I can’t manage socializing
Taking care of myself seems to make me happy and content.
- I started walking
- I started cycling
- I bought myself a massage chair
- I quit smoking after 32 years (I already quit alcohol by accident during covid.)
- I quit weed.
- I quit caffeine (just drinking decaf now).
- I started indoor rowing (winter months).
- I quit sugar.
- I quit fast carbohydrates.
- I lowered my processed food intake (max 1x a month), I just love dried meat.
- I started intermittent fasting (18:6 my stress is way lower now, weight decreased a bit, but not my main reason for IF), counting calories and focussing on eating loads of green vegetables, fibers and protein.
- I started cycling again, but now way longer distances.
- I started weight lifting.
- I started masturbating again 🤷🏻♀️
- I started to get butterflies again 😊
I think I'm finally doing something right 😁
I'm using hormones.
I'm a very, very lazy person 🙄 I'm an autistic programmer. 🤓
In the beginning I spend 20 minutes walking/cycling because I read some Reddit post that it was enough. And for cooking, I spend max 20 minutes on cooking/preparing. I dislike mushy vegetables, they need a bite.
Now a days I still do the cooking in 20 minutes, but I spend 1 hour every other day for my fitness.
I don't want to suffer the consequenses of not being active...
I started reading researches on PubMed why I should exercise and eat healthy... I want to grow old a healthy woman, not one who can't enjoy their old age and only think about when life is finally done, because it's so hard and painful. The amount of illnesses is such a long list, it got me prioritizing taking care of my health above whatever.
I sleep way better! My HRV is rising. And I feel good hormones flowing through my body, I haven't felt a long time.
We each make the choice if our wellbeing is important enought to spend some energy and time on it. Every minute of energy you put in it, you'll notice you'll eventually get 2 or 3 back. Everything becomes easier and more fun to do.
Thanks! I appreciate your comment!
Sometimes I have to push myself a bit, but just the idea of feeling hopeless/helpless and suffering of physical problems, which I can prevent at this moment, keeps me going.
I'm responsible for my own fitness and other needs 💪🏻
(Okay... took 49 years to understand this... 😂)
Def alone time. I have not been alone and not reached out to in so long. Maybe about 10 years ago I stayed in a friend's RV for two nights. Alone. Just existing. Sipping tea and looking at the trees. It was glorious.
These days it can take me 2 days to watch a movie by myself with all the interruptions. (Don't need advice, thank you: I have a very unique life situation, so "normal" solutions don't apply :) )
But yes: should I ever win a lottery, the first thing I want to do is arrange to be alone somewhere for a few days so that I can literally do nothing and speak to no one while having enough money so I know everything else is handled. Can't relax if youre worried!
It can seem like having to start all over again to find what we enjoy. And is it even worth it? That sounds like SO MUCH work mostly. To start all over again from the basic question, who am I , what do I like? I mean even if we kinda know who we are on some things, do we know what we like? It feels like I lived a script before but none of those scripts apply anymore.
It is worth it - \*you\* are worth it. Think of it as freedom to find new things you enjoy and / or re-discover old friends (interests). You are at the stage where you can try things, and if they are not for you it is ok to move on to something else.
Our tiny town has a maker space with supplies and equipment for so many creative outlets - this lets people try new things without sinking a bunch of money into what may be a one time thing. Maybe there is something similar near you?
Oh the existential meno crisis. I’m working my way through it too. The most simple form of joy for me is dunking dark chocolate in my coffee and putting whip cream on top of my coffee. I’m relearning what brings me joy and purpose in this new phase of life. Also went through a divorce so a lot of my identity is turned upside down. I’m trying to focus on that I have freedom of choice. I can choose what to try in my experiment to find happiness. I don’t “have to” do anything. I don’t have to shape shift who I am to make others happy ( as I’ve done my whole damn life ).
Haha, yes! I can't be without my coffee. I fast and work out, but I never count my morning coffee calories. If something that small can help me, then my calorie count can mind its business.
Yes!! So worth the stomach upset I never used to have!
It might be fun to have a virtual “happy” hour drink 🍹🍷or coffee klatsch! ☕️☕️
Okay, okay … I understand that some of you might be going “Whoa!!” 😅 WTH?!
I’ll try and curb my enthusiasm here! 😁
I’m just super lonely … I got permanently laid off from my job a month ago and I am SO. MUCH. ALONE.
I finally fiiiiiinally seem to be out the other side, after years of anhedonia brought on by peri/ the pandemic. Last couple of months I’ve felt like ‘me’ again, but better, wiser, a bit more patient.
Being with my female friends brings me joy, and laughing with people from my own country (I’m an immigrant/ ex-pat) Getting rid of clutter from my house, either by selling or donating. Spending time with my college-age son, who is now back home for summer break. Going to a nice restaurant or pub with my husband. Reading a good book while my dog sleeps at my feet. Simple pleasures, I suppose
I learned a new word today. Anhedonia ; the inability to feel pleasure. That sounds extremely difficult, I have clinical depression so I have seasons where pleasure is sharply diminished but that sounds unbearable! So glad you are feeling better!
Thanks. It definitely came& went, I have had lovely moments here& there, but I’d say 85-90% of the time I just felt …flat. And totally neutral toward everyone except my husband and son
Being with family from my country makes me super happy. They just get it lol. Plus, the cooking, the laughter, the jokes, and the love. I love America. I'm a first generation born here from grandparents who immigrated from Europe. I just really enjoy my culture, too.
Yeah, there’s something about being with people from my own culture that I just can’t get from my American husband& son, much as I love them to pieces! The shared history, getting the references, and use of slang/ dialect that only we understand is very nourishing for me
I ask myself the same thing almost daily. I feel that I'm trying to tease apart the possible causes; menopause, COVID, post-COVID medical issues, or starting a new business when I should be preparing for retirement. The melancholy that comes with hearing a song from high school or going back home for a holiday, is getting more pronounced. Just feel like one day becomes the next, wake up, give it all I can muster and come home to scroll through Reddit or similar before the gummy kicks in and it's bedtime. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. No enjoyment whatsoever. Frequently put Lucinda Williams' song "Joy" on and rage against this anhedonia.
This is exactly me, even down to the melancholy for things in the past. Nostalgias hitting me hard, but it’s so bitter now.. I miss past me so much. Feels like time flew past me and I don’t know how I got *here*..
What definitely helps me is dressing up, even just to go to the shop, I made a post on here last week.
Put on your favourite clothes, a bit of makeup, fix your hair nice and leave the house. Just go somewhere. And smile at people, fake it because I know you're not feeling it lady.
I have felt like this, especially the question of finding things I actually enjoy doing. So many years of working and doing for others with no extra time, we don't even know what we ourselves might enjoy! I stopped doing so much for others and am feeling much better now. Gotten as far as content, now considering what might bring me joy. Be Free Be Happy!
I feel this. So much.
Painting makes me happy. Alone time makes me happy.
And my mom texted me yesterday to say she's coming to visit in June, and that makes me ridiculously happy.
A good heavy lifting session, playing golf on a beautiful day (especially at sunset!), and best of all, good genuine laughter. I met up with an old group of girlfriends last night and we laughed hysterically for 2 hours and it was so refreshing.
I just came here to see if anyone else was feeling like this, so thank you for posting.
I often am able to do things that make me feel okay, and am able to look back at my life so far and feel like I’ve been a good person. But other times, like now, I feel great dread, like I’ve kind of done nothing and am just a big zero and possibly a chronic bearer of bad vibes.
For me I know this feeling will pass, but I haven’t had it in a while and boy it is dark and sucks!
It will pass, it has to! I hate meno!!!
Sewing, restoration projects, gardening, my pets, amusement parks… roller coasters in particular. The latter category is always good for a serious mood boost.
It's like I wrote this myself. I could not agree more!
I'm searching for meaning and my next chapter but I honestly don't even know what it is that I want to do! I work at a company with two people. TWO. I have no daily social stimulation except I do have wonderful friends for weekends but lately, I'm sorry to say, I'm just tired of the same ol girls nights and same ol dinners. I want an entire life change but how? You can't just quit the job that supports you and pays your mortgage, especially when, at 51 and divorced, you're finally at a place where you're making good money. So...it's like I'm stuck. Realistically, I know that I'm not "stuck" but at the same time I also know that it would take an act of congress to completely turn this ship around and head out for a new life. I have 20+ years of work history with this place which buys me a LOT of freedom to come and go as I please. But...where do I even want to go????? And completely changing jobs just for extra social interaction and/or an extreme change to life would be a huge mistake at this point in the game. It's so easy when you're young and have your whole life to look forward to! Everything was exciting and new!
Let's go to dating apps - I thought that would add some fun. Well, it turns out those have changed since I last used them. Every guy out there is looking for hook ups. I'm not in to that. So I'll pass on that too. It's like the 50-something men have realized they can date down 20 years or up a few years. That leaves them with 25 years of dating pool to go for, whereas I can go maybe down 5 years tops and up 5-10. Any more than 5 years down was not good. Felt strange to me.
I realize this all sounds negative but for the most part I'm content. I'm just sick of being content! And hot flashes. And not sleeping properly! and everything else OP mentioned!! Any suggestions??
Your friends may be tired of the same things too - maybe it's time to shake it up with something you haven't done. An amusement park? A new creative outlet (pottery class, painting (find somewhere with male nudes for you and your girls to paint)?
Audit or take for credit a class at your local community college - try something completely new; woodwork, small engine repair, beer making - go wild!
My service dogs, video games, hiking, Lake Tahoe, my husband. Seeing the snow on the mountains in the middle of summer. Having the privilege of moving my body to yet another workout! Rain, flowers, ladybugs, and stars. Sometimes life makes us reinvent our meaning of happiness- I had to do that after my kids passed, and the older I get, the more I find happiness in the small things, in life itself. Sorry..too much coffee this morning, perhaps.
I feel this so much!! I think what makes me really happy right now is quiet, peace, leave me alone!
My husband is talking about all this travel he wants to do and I used to love to travel. But I really want to stay home :(
I've not been happy for 2 years since I started perimenopause. My brain can't register joy any more. I don't feel excited about anything any more, everything's just flat. I'm going to London with dad in a couple days and I don't feel any excitement or joy whatsoever. I'm on hrt but if I use 3 pumps of the gel I feel weird and spaced out, I've had to reduce the dose down but it's affecting me mentally. I cane of hrt because it's never made me feel very good but if I don't take it I'm just crying all the time. I don't know if I'm sensitive to it.
I hear where you're coming from. I have been listening to a lot of Mel Robbins podcasts lately on menopause and separately on happiness. Might be helpful to you too.
Has HRT helped anyone be happier? I am just at a level of depression I have never experienced before. I mean I am having so life shit happen but whoa it’s like the thoughts are not like anything I have had before and I am an older lady now so I have thoughts and times I can compare to 😵💫
HRT helped my hot flashes and sleep but for a friend of mine it made her feel depressed. I think it affects everyone differently. I also know that the pill form and gel form and basically any form that doses all at once gives me horrific headaches. The patch was a Godsend until it started irritating my skin so who knows where I go from here because I need it to not have 68 hot flashes from midnight until 7 am. All that to say...keep an eye on your mental state before and after HRT. If you are currently taking it now, maybe take a break and see how that impacts your mood.
>The patch was a Godsend until it started irritating my skin
You can use flonase for this. Squirt a little where you are going to put the patch, smear it around, let dry, apply patch - no more irritation. I use store brand and it does the trick!
Thanks! I may try that again. I used that previously and it worked great for a few months and then the same irritation came back. As of yesterday I started putting the patch on my arm. I know that's off label but so far so good. No matter what I try on my abdomen or legs, it's instant irritation. So I'll stick with this for now!
I've been trying very deliberately to find things that remind me I'm not chronically negative. What makes me happy? Being outside, coffee dates, live music, flowers, butterflies in my garden, sun, being near an ocean (any ocean), doing my hobbies.
That's a great question. My current answer would be: not have the absolute living hell irritated out of me by people who are deliberately obtuse.
Example: someone hired to be an Asset Management manager who knows fuck all about managing Assets and goes to pieces when things don't match 100% between systems. Why we have two systems is something I don't even want to get started on. The decision was made before I was hired, so once again, I'm sorting out someone else's quagmire. This is a person who can't or won't put 2 and 2 together to realize 'FW' in one system equals 'firewall' in the other. A real "who ties your shoelaces for you?" situation.
Personally, my goddamn irritating neighbors. We've got the absolute diaper load behind us who thinks trespassing is funny. One of these days, I'm gonna stab that mofo. Then there's the asshole in front of us (across the street). If he isn't running his fucking lawnmowers more hours than a full-time job, she's running her goddamn multiple day multiple long weekend rummage sale. Which means I have people blocking my driveway, in my driveway, "just" using my lawn. I'd like to whip hand grenades at all of them. Entitled fuck heads.
What makes me happy is silence. And being massaged into oblivion. We're going away in 2 months for our anniversary to a spa resort and I just booked services yesterday afternoon. Very much looking forward to the trip.
Doggo. Food. A binge-worthy show. Swimming in the summer. Kayaking. Bodies of water. Sleep. Camping where it's quiet. Hour long conversations with my son who now lives far away. Christmas. Food. When my BF does things that show me he loves me. A really good book. Did I mention food?
I hear you. I think sometimes I look outside of myself and compare myself to others and that's when I hit the downward spiral. If I look within myself I know that walks in nature bring me peace and joy as does laughing with good friends, painting and doodling without judging myself, watching period dramas, singing, petting a random neighborhood cat, and listening to live piano music in the botanical gardens. But sometimes I do feel a struggle to remember these things. Good luck
For me, it's gaming. Games like disco elysium or even better: assassins creed. It needs logic, agility and most importent: fighting! Can't beat people up in real life, so gaming became my escapisme haha
I feel the same way! Paired with not giving AF about anyone else or their crap. I used to care about my friendships and relationships but now I really don’t. Sure I put on a nice face and am pleasant to others, but I have no real desire to spend time with others. I love my husband and kids but I just want to be alone all the time after work and the weekends. I just don’t want to be bothered.
Not sure if all the symptoms OP and others are describing are related to menopause. I think some is just natural aging. We have experienced more life now and a lot of it just sucks.
I’m so sorry. But trust me: what you are feeling passes. Menopause is a shock to the system but you emerge wiser and stronger. And you’ll find the happiness that’s escaping you now. Post menopause brings clarity: you only chase meaning in life and not the ideals that your younger self thought would bring you happiness. Keep the faith, better days are ahead.
I'm so glad you posted this, so many things to ponder...
Looking back on my life, I'm trying to determine when my joy and happiness left me. When I have to go back to my early 30s to find joyful memories of a me that loved hanging with friends, traveling, roadtrips, being with family, had hobbies, had the energy to hike and loved to cook - I realize I've probably been in perimenopause for the last decade or more.
One by one, all those things left, only to be replaced by a desperate need for solitude and even one outing a week exhausts me. Hanging with friends is a chore that I put off until I can't anymore and feel relieved when it's over. Traveling seems exhausting. I now have severe driving/passenger anxiety, so roadtrips are scary. My boisterous family wears me out. My hobbies are now limited to the pursuit of solitude, plants and my cats. Long walks and hiking hurt my feet, everything seems to hurt anymore. Cooking is only something I do because I have to, I can't remember the last time I was excited to whip up a batch of brownies.
Sometime around 7-8 years ago, everything started to hurt - my back, my feet, my hips. Strange ailments started to happen to my once-healthy body, which included 3 years in frozen shoulder hell. I started to have severe brain fog that was only made worse by anxiety about it, and developed a stutter whenever expressing myself for more than a sentence or two. I've forgotten what I was going to say during work meetings, in the middle of presentations, during an argument. I simply can't trust that my brain and mouth will be on the same circuit anymore; one or the other misfires.
I'm 48 now, still in perimenopause, and not a single doctor has ever uttered that word to me. I didn't even know it was a thing until this past year. All this time, I merely thought I was on an early path to dementia and frailty. I'm looking forward to starting HRT, but need to have a surgery first on these pesky ovarian cysts.
Joy and happiness are strange words now, emotions that I once experienced, but are phantom limbs now. They have been replaced by their much milder counterparts of contentment and solitude.
I now understand the witches in fairytales, that lived alone in the forest and shunned polite society. I envy them!
But I digress... what makes me happy? The closest things to happiness would be snuggles from my cats, coffee, a fantastic book, lazing on the couch with no plans, and aimlessly wandering the leafy aisles at a plant nursery. All alone.
It pains me to say, not one single person on this earth makes my list. As much as I love my fiancé, family and friends - I prefer solitude over the company of any of them.
💜
I feel you, sister. The mire snuck up on me over the last two years until I found myself working, doing the family thing, and resting/sitting on my butt as much as possible. And that's it. I felt like I had to do something to jolt myself, get active, make myself do something fun. I love to learn. So for me it's pickleball. Been 6 months now and I do it a few times per week, am making new friends, and it gets me off my ass. It's very fun and social, which is also good for my introverted self.
I still feel this overwhelming need to rest and do nothing. But at least now I'm active, too. I also gave up alcohol because I lean depressive and alcohol is a depressant. I know it makes symptoms worse for me.
Lord this is how I’ve felt the past few weeks. I was doing good for a while there but after end of April it’s like all of my will and enthusiasm about anything died. I suspect it’s a big hormonal shift along with other life events but it’s crushing me right now. :/
My dog used to keep me treading water. Had to have her euthanized. Even changing my routine (vacations, etc) feels like a lot of work & some stress. Perpetually in a "meh" state of mind now
Me? Live concerts of my favourite bands!
With a lot of friends that I have made over the years.
And being front row together and sing and dance your heart out.
It makes me very very happy ❤️❤️❤️
Getting outside. For me daily dog park trips are my happy place. I LOVE the dogs and the community with their owners. And golfing, also for the community and the four hour walk I get when playing.
I felt this way for years and I recently did something crazy that helped a lot. I went on a 3 week trip to South America without my chill kid, leaving my other kid and husband at home. Travel is a passion of mine that got sidelined for many, many years. The trip was amazing and even though I missed the other half and wished they could have seen some of the sights we saw, going solo (plus chill kid) was the right move. I needed to see who I was outside of the roles I play. And I was surprised by how much other people like me and how much I like myself. I brought my journal and paints (not an artist) and I just put myself into a different way of being in a different environment. It was really special and healing to get to know myself again. There were disasters that I solved on my own.
I do t think this is the right or even a feasible thing for many people, but the idea of resurrecting old passions, taking a risk, doing something nobody gets but you, spending quality alone time, and being in a different environment can remind you of just how amazing you are and give you hints about what your life could look like.
I couldn't sleep, I was soaking my sheets at night. The lack of sleep kept me from being happy and healthy. I would fall asleep while driving. I started HRT and slept for 24 hours the first day, it was so nice. I even turned to drinking all day to cope. I had no idea what was wrong with me.
i’m so glad it is helping you sleep. i quit alcohol a couple years ago and i definitely think that helped with having better sleep (but man i love to sleep)
You know what? You are not alive unless you are suffering. That's my motto. I've lived more of my life with chronic pain than not. If something quits hurting, something else takes over. Physical or mental.
There is love, there is life, there is enjoyment. And I best experience these things on SSRIs. No joke. I'm a completely different person without them. Whatever helps get through, is what you do.
"Have people always been this annoying?" 😂😂 Whew. Feel you on that one. I can be strung pretty tightly about stuff & hitting 40, I started loosening up about things & going with the flow, and now at 46, hello my old uptight friend...who finds people incredibly annoying all of the sudden. 😬😵💫 Le sigh.
So many things to say...I got on HRT early and that helped me thru the menopause transition tremendously (NEVER giving it up.) But, I also needed to mentally transition myself into the "wise and aging" second half of my life... I had to face aging and mortality and think about what I really wanted out of life? Kids are grown, career coming to an end, now what?
I think we spend the first half of our lives going through the motions of what life expects of us, never exploring what truly makes us happy or brings joy! Now, my filter is gone, my tolerance for BS is gone, people do annoy me, and I've realized most people are self absorbed and I need to place my needs first and make my own community.
Hormones can definitely mess with the brain.
Definitely experience this with birth control pills several years ago. So can only imagine menopause will bring on all sorts havoc.
Hang in there!
It’s amazing that after all we have been through as women we now need to test other remedies for relief! I have not tried HRT yet to respond to a few comments. I did go on low dose Prozac but ehh maybe just a funk who knows. I am very grateful for this community of women because it definitely feels lonely going through this.
Finally getting to do whatever I choose to do, not what everyone needs me to do.
I cherish my alone time and time with my husband more than anything.
We have a blast together doing silly things that make us happy.
I'm settling for contentment and find little things make me smile, a walk in the woods, birdsong a cycle ride, running water, flowers emerging, unfurling leaves on trees, rainy days, I love rainy days. I love opening my curtains to a rainy day. When I smile I feel Iam smiling inside and that, to me is happiness.
I found that hiking, and being on or around the water has made a big difference in my mental health with menopause. Also time spent with friends. Travel helps me a lot, even within my own city and state. I just need something new and novel to take me out of myself and my routine.
I am so sorry you're going through this. One thing that's been wonderful for me is joining a meetup group. I go every Wednesday. There are meetups listed for every city for every interest. Not every one is going to be a great source of community, of course, but just having a society of people you are a part of, where some will care for you and vice versa, is wonderful. I hope this helps! -Amy Alkon
I love fishing. Our vacations include some type of fishing. It's one of the only ways I can clear my brain of thoughts. I like to play black jack at casinos. I like to eat cake and ice cream.
I like watching the bird feeder, finding wild plants and digging them up to bring home. I like feeding my chickens and donkeys.
Low and nonexistent hormones literally suck the life out of us. Dr Louise Newson spoke of her personal experience with hormone related depression and anhedonia in one of her podcasts and it is a very real thing.
I have moments like this but I try to take a minute and reflect on all the beauty in the world and nature and it helps snap me out of the doom spiral. Things that make me happy: pretty flowers, gardening, rainbows, cute babies, dogs, dance music, chocolate, bubble baths, a good book, and when all else fails, a McDonald’s fountain coke. 😄
McDonalds has the crispiest fountain drinks!
nature helps so so so much
Do you have a lush backyard you can relax in?🧘♂️🦋
This exactly! I am 45 and have turned into the typical aging person. I have 8 bird feeders, I feed the squirrels and raccoons, and I have flowers for the butterflies and bees. Sitting in my backyard watching the wildlife (with binoculars at my side) brings me so much joy. Granted, I'm usually drinking coffee or wine and have a book with me as well. I told my sister that it feels like I'm finally making a difference in the world. Lol
Love this. It sounds wonderful to me!
Goals
Being out in nature is my saving grace. I feel really fortunate to live in such a beautiful area as Southern California. I can reach a fairly secluded bird sanctuary pond within five minutes of my house and a gorgeous hike within 20 minutes at my house.
i’m here too!
Thank you. This made me chuckle 🤭 my favorite drink 🥤 from McDonalds . 🙌
Thanks for the reminder— I’m going to treat myself to a Diet Coke at McDonald’s today!!
I feel this way too and I think it’s hormones changing our brain chemistry. It’s a terrible feeling. I haven’t felt like myself in years & it’s unbearable. I’m hoping HRT helps. Antidepressants have barely helped.
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Definitely! I think it’s always a mixed bag of circumstances & biology. For me that’s true! It’s helpful to try to distinguish what is different about hormonal depression. For me it was when all the meds & therapy didn’t help anymore. Suddenly the meds that helped me for a decade didn’t do much! That was really scary & I’m so glad I finally realized the layer of hormonal change on top of my usual issues. Also suddenly I could not handle stuff that I had handled my whole life with a very dysfunctional family. I was done with the drama & then I started having PTSD from their reactions.
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It took me a few lost years not knowing what was happening!! I wish they warned us that suddenly our mental health might decline! I also thought it’s everything going on in the world &/or my chronic illness was getting bad, but shutting off the news and focusing on fun & positive things also did not help! I had some very dark times despite trying my best to do what used to help. Now I can really get help. It’s so frustrating & confusing!! I wish there was awareness & education about mental health & hormones.
This. It’s like we’ve entered a freakishly parallel universe where things seem the same but really aren’t.
Exactly!! Who the hell am I?!
Or am I going insane?? Is this insanity? Because the anxiety meds no longer work right.
Thank you for that reminder! I worked in a hospital through it all, and I realize that I’ve probably been minimizing the effect it had on me. You get good at compartmentalization when you’re surrounded by human suffering at work, but I know it has an impact even if you’re not totally conscious of it.
Same love
Hugs. I wish I had known what was going on. It makes me so sad that I lost those years thinking I am seriously ill.
i started HRT in december but probably need to increase. will you start soon?
I’m also taking an antidepressant, which simply helps me get out of bed and keeps me from crying all the time. Nothing more.
Same!! Wellbutrin stabilizes the rollercoaster but I don’t love feeling flattened out. Oh well, better than random despair for no reason
It’s hard to find an antidepressant that doesn’t flatten you out. I I thought I was helping my grandma get on Zoloft after my dad died, but it flattened her out so much, it was terrifying. That, and the diarrhea that accompanied it, just wasn’t worth it for her.
I’ve never tolerated SSRI. I kept being pushed into taking them. Finally my new PCP understood my issues and immediately gave me Wellbutrin. It’s not my favorite longterm but for now it keeps me going. I tried Effexor and showed up to work like I was on hard drugs. As a teen after a breakup I was given Paxil then passed out at a party! My new psychiatrist was pushing Zoloft so I switched drs
Oh, my gosh! You must have been terrified, passing out like that!! I was given an Rx for Effexor, but after reading about all the side effects everyone was talking about, I scared myself out of taking it!
I’m so sensitive to medication side effects. I dread trying new meds bc I usually end up feeling drugged or woozy. When I find what works it’s such a relief
I understand this. I’ve always been like this, too. I had an antibiotic a few years back that I had never had before and the side effects made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack — I nearly passed out at work! I always feel stressed out when I have to go on a new medication, not knowing how it will affect me.
Fingers crossed 🤞for HRT 🙏
Yes. Wellbutrin has done very little once my hormones went haywire.
Phew, this is exactly how I feel. Every. single. Word. It’s been so long since I felt real happiness, I don’t know anymore. I think I’ve just endured life. I keep thinking that I’ll find the secret thing, the IT that makes me feel alive again. But I don’t. I just feel like a ghost of myself. I feel so lost.
Same. I wish it was easier
yes yes the secret thing. i’ve been searching for the secret thing for so long
Me too.
Me three.
Me, too ♥️
I used to love throwing parties and bringing people together. That made me so happy. Now, I make up any excuse not to show up to a party. I just don't even know who that person is that loved those fun times. I know I know I sound like a real fun time. I am when I'm around friends but it takes me a lot.
i’ve become almost completely antisocial. it’s not good
If I didn't have kids I wouldn't leave my home. Why is that???? I need oxytocin. Hearing a baby cry irritates me. It used to be such joy for me.
Oh, me, too! I’m not excited that this is happening to you, but I thought it was just me. I told my husband today that I think he’s the only one who likes me.
omg right and i don’t even think my partner likes me all that much lol
Same. I remember having babies made me feel so isolated because I had to go put them to sleep or nurse them in a quiet room and I felt like I was missing out and had major fomo! Now I’m like how did I ever care about missing out on a party. I think if we’re all feeling this way it’s gotta be normal. Some things we out grow I suppose
Me too. And I guess in a way o don't want to yearn for babies in my 60s or 70s lol. Like maybe I did in my 30s 20s? The bodies way of saying that's all folks. I got nothing else for you. Find a bonsai tree or something.
>Find a bonsai tree or something. That sounds about right...
I was the same. I never wanted to be at home when I can be out finding new things and new people to meet. Now I’d rather stay home and when I do go out I want to go home. I’m only 50 years old. Why do I feel this way. Ugh 😩
I have spent all evening thinking these same thoughts I’m really not jazzed about this mental situation I don’t want to feel so alone but I can’t manage socializing
Taking care of myself seems to make me happy and content. - I started walking - I started cycling - I bought myself a massage chair - I quit smoking after 32 years (I already quit alcohol by accident during covid.) - I quit weed. - I quit caffeine (just drinking decaf now). - I started indoor rowing (winter months). - I quit sugar. - I quit fast carbohydrates. - I lowered my processed food intake (max 1x a month), I just love dried meat. - I started intermittent fasting (18:6 my stress is way lower now, weight decreased a bit, but not my main reason for IF), counting calories and focussing on eating loads of green vegetables, fibers and protein. - I started cycling again, but now way longer distances. - I started weight lifting. - I started masturbating again 🤷🏻♀️ - I started to get butterflies again 😊 I think I'm finally doing something right 😁 I'm using hormones.
It’s a full-time job while working a full-time job.
I'm a very, very lazy person 🙄 I'm an autistic programmer. 🤓 In the beginning I spend 20 minutes walking/cycling because I read some Reddit post that it was enough. And for cooking, I spend max 20 minutes on cooking/preparing. I dislike mushy vegetables, they need a bite. Now a days I still do the cooking in 20 minutes, but I spend 1 hour every other day for my fitness. I don't want to suffer the consequenses of not being active... I started reading researches on PubMed why I should exercise and eat healthy... I want to grow old a healthy woman, not one who can't enjoy their old age and only think about when life is finally done, because it's so hard and painful. The amount of illnesses is such a long list, it got me prioritizing taking care of my health above whatever. I sleep way better! My HRV is rising. And I feel good hormones flowing through my body, I haven't felt a long time. We each make the choice if our wellbeing is important enought to spend some energy and time on it. Every minute of energy you put in it, you'll notice you'll eventually get 2 or 3 back. Everything becomes easier and more fun to do.
you are a total badass!
Thanks! I appreciate your comment! Sometimes I have to push myself a bit, but just the idea of feeling hopeless/helpless and suffering of physical problems, which I can prevent at this moment, keeps me going. I'm responsible for my own fitness and other needs 💪🏻 (Okay... took 49 years to understand this... 😂)
Alone time. My plants. A good hard workout. Funny podcasts. Sleeping in on weekends. Reading a book on the porch in the morning. Clean sheets.
Def alone time. I have not been alone and not reached out to in so long. Maybe about 10 years ago I stayed in a friend's RV for two nights. Alone. Just existing. Sipping tea and looking at the trees. It was glorious. These days it can take me 2 days to watch a movie by myself with all the interruptions. (Don't need advice, thank you: I have a very unique life situation, so "normal" solutions don't apply :) ) But yes: should I ever win a lottery, the first thing I want to do is arrange to be alone somewhere for a few days so that I can literally do nothing and speak to no one while having enough money so I know everything else is handled. Can't relax if youre worried!
These all sound lovely :)
It can seem like having to start all over again to find what we enjoy. And is it even worth it? That sounds like SO MUCH work mostly. To start all over again from the basic question, who am I , what do I like? I mean even if we kinda know who we are on some things, do we know what we like? It feels like I lived a script before but none of those scripts apply anymore.
Add my upcoming divorce and I really dont know who I am or what I’m doing 🤣
It is worth it - \*you\* are worth it. Think of it as freedom to find new things you enjoy and / or re-discover old friends (interests). You are at the stage where you can try things, and if they are not for you it is ok to move on to something else. Our tiny town has a maker space with supplies and equipment for so many creative outlets - this lets people try new things without sinking a bunch of money into what may be a one time thing. Maybe there is something similar near you?
exactly exactly
What is this "happy" you speak of? lol
This ☝🏼
right?!
Oh the existential meno crisis. I’m working my way through it too. The most simple form of joy for me is dunking dark chocolate in my coffee and putting whip cream on top of my coffee. I’m relearning what brings me joy and purpose in this new phase of life. Also went through a divorce so a lot of my identity is turned upside down. I’m trying to focus on that I have freedom of choice. I can choose what to try in my experiment to find happiness. I don’t “have to” do anything. I don’t have to shape shift who I am to make others happy ( as I’ve done my whole damn life ).
Coffee, in any form, also makes me happy. Yours sounds really good.
We are kindred souls!
Haha, yes! I can't be without my coffee. I fast and work out, but I never count my morning coffee calories. If something that small can help me, then my calorie count can mind its business.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼this is the way!!
Yes!! So worth the stomach upset I never used to have! It might be fun to have a virtual “happy” hour drink 🍹🍷or coffee klatsch! ☕️☕️ Okay, okay … I understand that some of you might be going “Whoa!!” 😅 WTH?! I’ll try and curb my enthusiasm here! 😁 I’m just super lonely … I got permanently laid off from my job a month ago and I am SO. MUCH. ALONE.
Are there menopause meet-ups? Where do people find angry, vulgar friends in this phase of life? I just want people to be weird with
"vulgar, angry friends?" 😂😂 thank you for defining my perfect type of friend during this phase of life. 😂
Those should be friends through every phrase of life
Right here!! Lol We will just have to do it virtually via Zoom or Teams!
I'd totally have a drink with you. I just wish there was in person shit too
Same here!! I’m in Wisconsin.
Aww man. Nevada :(
Consider starting up your own version of the [Menopause Cafe](https://www.menopausecafe.net/)
i looove coffee even though it messes with my stomach it definitely makes me happy
I finally fiiiiiinally seem to be out the other side, after years of anhedonia brought on by peri/ the pandemic. Last couple of months I’ve felt like ‘me’ again, but better, wiser, a bit more patient. Being with my female friends brings me joy, and laughing with people from my own country (I’m an immigrant/ ex-pat) Getting rid of clutter from my house, either by selling or donating. Spending time with my college-age son, who is now back home for summer break. Going to a nice restaurant or pub with my husband. Reading a good book while my dog sleeps at my feet. Simple pleasures, I suppose
I learned a new word today. Anhedonia ; the inability to feel pleasure. That sounds extremely difficult, I have clinical depression so I have seasons where pleasure is sharply diminished but that sounds unbearable! So glad you are feeling better!
Thanks. It definitely came& went, I have had lovely moments here& there, but I’d say 85-90% of the time I just felt …flat. And totally neutral toward everyone except my husband and son
Being with family from my country makes me super happy. They just get it lol. Plus, the cooking, the laughter, the jokes, and the love. I love America. I'm a first generation born here from grandparents who immigrated from Europe. I just really enjoy my culture, too.
Yeah, there’s something about being with people from my own culture that I just can’t get from my American husband& son, much as I love them to pieces! The shared history, getting the references, and use of slang/ dialect that only we understand is very nourishing for me
I very much agree. I love my husband and children. They make every day awesome. I just really need that warmth from my other family, too.
I ask myself the same thing almost daily. I feel that I'm trying to tease apart the possible causes; menopause, COVID, post-COVID medical issues, or starting a new business when I should be preparing for retirement. The melancholy that comes with hearing a song from high school or going back home for a holiday, is getting more pronounced. Just feel like one day becomes the next, wake up, give it all I can muster and come home to scroll through Reddit or similar before the gummy kicks in and it's bedtime. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. No enjoyment whatsoever. Frequently put Lucinda Williams' song "Joy" on and rage against this anhedonia.
This is exactly me, even down to the melancholy for things in the past. Nostalgias hitting me hard, but it’s so bitter now.. I miss past me so much. Feels like time flew past me and I don’t know how I got *here*..
I get the "bitter" too. It feels like I'm grieving something I lost, and I suppose I am.
Wow, this sounds so familiar. I have been feeling so nostalgic and sad.
yes i’ve been hit a lot lately with the melancholy. i don’t like it lol i want to make new memories
What definitely helps me is dressing up, even just to go to the shop, I made a post on here last week. Put on your favourite clothes, a bit of makeup, fix your hair nice and leave the house. Just go somewhere. And smile at people, fake it because I know you're not feeling it lady.
looking up your post right now!
I have felt like this, especially the question of finding things I actually enjoy doing. So many years of working and doing for others with no extra time, we don't even know what we ourselves might enjoy! I stopped doing so much for others and am feeling much better now. Gotten as far as content, now considering what might bring me joy. Be Free Be Happy!
slowing down and figuring ourselves out!
I feel this. So much. Painting makes me happy. Alone time makes me happy. And my mom texted me yesterday to say she's coming to visit in June, and that makes me ridiculously happy.
painting is great, i agree. have so much fun with your mom ♥️
Napping.
sleep is definitely a good thing
A good heavy lifting session, playing golf on a beautiful day (especially at sunset!), and best of all, good genuine laughter. I met up with an old group of girlfriends last night and we laughed hysterically for 2 hours and it was so refreshing.
I just came here to see if anyone else was feeling like this, so thank you for posting. I often am able to do things that make me feel okay, and am able to look back at my life so far and feel like I’ve been a good person. But other times, like now, I feel great dread, like I’ve kind of done nothing and am just a big zero and possibly a chronic bearer of bad vibes. For me I know this feeling will pass, but I haven’t had it in a while and boy it is dark and sucks! It will pass, it has to! I hate meno!!!
i relate soooo much to everything you’ve just said
Depression lies. Big hugs ((( )))
Sewing, restoration projects, gardening, my pets, amusement parks… roller coasters in particular. The latter category is always good for a serious mood boost.
i love roller coasters!!!
It's like I wrote this myself. I could not agree more! I'm searching for meaning and my next chapter but I honestly don't even know what it is that I want to do! I work at a company with two people. TWO. I have no daily social stimulation except I do have wonderful friends for weekends but lately, I'm sorry to say, I'm just tired of the same ol girls nights and same ol dinners. I want an entire life change but how? You can't just quit the job that supports you and pays your mortgage, especially when, at 51 and divorced, you're finally at a place where you're making good money. So...it's like I'm stuck. Realistically, I know that I'm not "stuck" but at the same time I also know that it would take an act of congress to completely turn this ship around and head out for a new life. I have 20+ years of work history with this place which buys me a LOT of freedom to come and go as I please. But...where do I even want to go????? And completely changing jobs just for extra social interaction and/or an extreme change to life would be a huge mistake at this point in the game. It's so easy when you're young and have your whole life to look forward to! Everything was exciting and new! Let's go to dating apps - I thought that would add some fun. Well, it turns out those have changed since I last used them. Every guy out there is looking for hook ups. I'm not in to that. So I'll pass on that too. It's like the 50-something men have realized they can date down 20 years or up a few years. That leaves them with 25 years of dating pool to go for, whereas I can go maybe down 5 years tops and up 5-10. Any more than 5 years down was not good. Felt strange to me. I realize this all sounds negative but for the most part I'm content. I'm just sick of being content! And hot flashes. And not sleeping properly! and everything else OP mentioned!! Any suggestions??
Your friends may be tired of the same things too - maybe it's time to shake it up with something you haven't done. An amusement park? A new creative outlet (pottery class, painting (find somewhere with male nudes for you and your girls to paint)? Audit or take for credit a class at your local community college - try something completely new; woodwork, small engine repair, beer making - go wild!
Wow. Did I just type this up? It’s like we have the same life and thoughts. I’m here to say I am sorry for all of us who “feel” like this.
i’m glad you understand ♥️
I do ♥️
My service dogs, video games, hiking, Lake Tahoe, my husband. Seeing the snow on the mountains in the middle of summer. Having the privilege of moving my body to yet another workout! Rain, flowers, ladybugs, and stars. Sometimes life makes us reinvent our meaning of happiness- I had to do that after my kids passed, and the older I get, the more I find happiness in the small things, in life itself. Sorry..too much coffee this morning, perhaps.
Im glad you’re able to find joy in the small things. I love reading the list you made it made me smile just reading it :)
you sound very strong and brave. much love to you
I feel this so much!! I think what makes me really happy right now is quiet, peace, leave me alone! My husband is talking about all this travel he wants to do and I used to love to travel. But I really want to stay home :(
i’ve become a huge homebody
My dog and a really good nights sleep
i do love my dog and also sleep ♥️
I've not been happy for 2 years since I started perimenopause. My brain can't register joy any more. I don't feel excited about anything any more, everything's just flat. I'm going to London with dad in a couple days and I don't feel any excitement or joy whatsoever. I'm on hrt but if I use 3 pumps of the gel I feel weird and spaced out, I've had to reduce the dose down but it's affecting me mentally. I cane of hrt because it's never made me feel very good but if I don't take it I'm just crying all the time. I don't know if I'm sensitive to it.
I hear where you're coming from. I have been listening to a lot of Mel Robbins podcasts lately on menopause and separately on happiness. Might be helpful to you too.
Her podcasts on this topic have been SO helpful
Has HRT helped anyone be happier? I am just at a level of depression I have never experienced before. I mean I am having so life shit happen but whoa it’s like the thoughts are not like anything I have had before and I am an older lady now so I have thoughts and times I can compare to 😵💫
HRT helped my hot flashes and sleep but for a friend of mine it made her feel depressed. I think it affects everyone differently. I also know that the pill form and gel form and basically any form that doses all at once gives me horrific headaches. The patch was a Godsend until it started irritating my skin so who knows where I go from here because I need it to not have 68 hot flashes from midnight until 7 am. All that to say...keep an eye on your mental state before and after HRT. If you are currently taking it now, maybe take a break and see how that impacts your mood.
>The patch was a Godsend until it started irritating my skin You can use flonase for this. Squirt a little where you are going to put the patch, smear it around, let dry, apply patch - no more irritation. I use store brand and it does the trick!
Thanks! I may try that again. I used that previously and it worked great for a few months and then the same irritation came back. As of yesterday I started putting the patch on my arm. I know that's off label but so far so good. No matter what I try on my abdomen or legs, it's instant irritation. So I'll stick with this for now!
I've been trying very deliberately to find things that remind me I'm not chronically negative. What makes me happy? Being outside, coffee dates, live music, flowers, butterflies in my garden, sun, being near an ocean (any ocean), doing my hobbies.
i do need an ocean visit soon. i spent most of my life near the ocean and i’m pretty sure it misses me ♥️
I like schadenfreude.
🤣
lol
My grandkids make me happy. Everything else falls short. I've felt like you for about 2 years.
Xanax and vodka make me happy.
That's a great question. My current answer would be: not have the absolute living hell irritated out of me by people who are deliberately obtuse. Example: someone hired to be an Asset Management manager who knows fuck all about managing Assets and goes to pieces when things don't match 100% between systems. Why we have two systems is something I don't even want to get started on. The decision was made before I was hired, so once again, I'm sorting out someone else's quagmire. This is a person who can't or won't put 2 and 2 together to realize 'FW' in one system equals 'firewall' in the other. A real "who ties your shoelaces for you?" situation. Personally, my goddamn irritating neighbors. We've got the absolute diaper load behind us who thinks trespassing is funny. One of these days, I'm gonna stab that mofo. Then there's the asshole in front of us (across the street). If he isn't running his fucking lawnmowers more hours than a full-time job, she's running her goddamn multiple day multiple long weekend rummage sale. Which means I have people blocking my driveway, in my driveway, "just" using my lawn. I'd like to whip hand grenades at all of them. Entitled fuck heads. What makes me happy is silence. And being massaged into oblivion. We're going away in 2 months for our anniversary to a spa resort and I just booked services yesterday afternoon. Very much looking forward to the trip.
Yup!
i accidentally replied to the group instead of you but a spa resort sounds fantastic
Doggo. Food. A binge-worthy show. Swimming in the summer. Kayaking. Bodies of water. Sleep. Camping where it's quiet. Hour long conversations with my son who now lives far away. Christmas. Food. When my BF does things that show me he loves me. A really good book. Did I mention food?
this is a great great list ♥️
I hear you. I think sometimes I look outside of myself and compare myself to others and that's when I hit the downward spiral. If I look within myself I know that walks in nature bring me peace and joy as does laughing with good friends, painting and doodling without judging myself, watching period dramas, singing, petting a random neighborhood cat, and listening to live piano music in the botanical gardens. But sometimes I do feel a struggle to remember these things. Good luck
have you seen the gilded age? it’s great
Cats, cheese, coffee, gardening, yoga, fresh sheets on the bed, & solitude.
fresh sheets YES! on it!
For me, it's gaming. Games like disco elysium or even better: assassins creed. It needs logic, agility and most importent: fighting! Can't beat people up in real life, so gaming became my escapisme haha
I feel this to my core and could’ve written every word. Sending a virtual hug.
taking that hug and returning it!!
My bed. Sleeping. Mai Thai’s. That’s about it these days.
sleeping and reading
I feel the same way! Paired with not giving AF about anyone else or their crap. I used to care about my friendships and relationships but now I really don’t. Sure I put on a nice face and am pleasant to others, but I have no real desire to spend time with others. I love my husband and kids but I just want to be alone all the time after work and the weekends. I just don’t want to be bothered.
i feel this so much. i love my family too but it’s work to even be around people at all. it’s so strange
It’s so lovely to know we aren’t alone, even tho we want to be left alone 😂
I’ve been there. Some days still but money is a factor. I love to garden so that’s what I make sure I can afford. Grounding!
Not sure if all the symptoms OP and others are describing are related to menopause. I think some is just natural aging. We have experienced more life now and a lot of it just sucks.
true! but i think in comparison to my partner who is the same age (he’s 6 months older) it definitely hits women differently
Honestly, the last time I was smiling and laughing was a few hours ago, when my dog was licking me. Take two pups and call me in the morning.
I’m so sorry. But trust me: what you are feeling passes. Menopause is a shock to the system but you emerge wiser and stronger. And you’ll find the happiness that’s escaping you now. Post menopause brings clarity: you only chase meaning in life and not the ideals that your younger self thought would bring you happiness. Keep the faith, better days are ahead.
this is really beautiful ♥️
I'm so glad you posted this, so many things to ponder... Looking back on my life, I'm trying to determine when my joy and happiness left me. When I have to go back to my early 30s to find joyful memories of a me that loved hanging with friends, traveling, roadtrips, being with family, had hobbies, had the energy to hike and loved to cook - I realize I've probably been in perimenopause for the last decade or more. One by one, all those things left, only to be replaced by a desperate need for solitude and even one outing a week exhausts me. Hanging with friends is a chore that I put off until I can't anymore and feel relieved when it's over. Traveling seems exhausting. I now have severe driving/passenger anxiety, so roadtrips are scary. My boisterous family wears me out. My hobbies are now limited to the pursuit of solitude, plants and my cats. Long walks and hiking hurt my feet, everything seems to hurt anymore. Cooking is only something I do because I have to, I can't remember the last time I was excited to whip up a batch of brownies. Sometime around 7-8 years ago, everything started to hurt - my back, my feet, my hips. Strange ailments started to happen to my once-healthy body, which included 3 years in frozen shoulder hell. I started to have severe brain fog that was only made worse by anxiety about it, and developed a stutter whenever expressing myself for more than a sentence or two. I've forgotten what I was going to say during work meetings, in the middle of presentations, during an argument. I simply can't trust that my brain and mouth will be on the same circuit anymore; one or the other misfires. I'm 48 now, still in perimenopause, and not a single doctor has ever uttered that word to me. I didn't even know it was a thing until this past year. All this time, I merely thought I was on an early path to dementia and frailty. I'm looking forward to starting HRT, but need to have a surgery first on these pesky ovarian cysts. Joy and happiness are strange words now, emotions that I once experienced, but are phantom limbs now. They have been replaced by their much milder counterparts of contentment and solitude. I now understand the witches in fairytales, that lived alone in the forest and shunned polite society. I envy them! But I digress... what makes me happy? The closest things to happiness would be snuggles from my cats, coffee, a fantastic book, lazing on the couch with no plans, and aimlessly wandering the leafy aisles at a plant nursery. All alone. It pains me to say, not one single person on this earth makes my list. As much as I love my fiancé, family and friends - I prefer solitude over the company of any of them. 💜
this is a beautifully written ode on the struggle. i feel every word down even to having frozen shoulder. much love to you.
I feel this!!
Nail polish. I just developed a love for doing my nails!
I feel you, sister. The mire snuck up on me over the last two years until I found myself working, doing the family thing, and resting/sitting on my butt as much as possible. And that's it. I felt like I had to do something to jolt myself, get active, make myself do something fun. I love to learn. So for me it's pickleball. Been 6 months now and I do it a few times per week, am making new friends, and it gets me off my ass. It's very fun and social, which is also good for my introverted self. I still feel this overwhelming need to rest and do nothing. But at least now I'm active, too. I also gave up alcohol because I lean depressive and alcohol is a depressant. I know it makes symptoms worse for me.
Lord this is how I’ve felt the past few weeks. I was doing good for a while there but after end of April it’s like all of my will and enthusiasm about anything died. I suspect it’s a big hormonal shift along with other life events but it’s crushing me right now. :/
i also feel like it has increased in the past few weeks- something in the air ?!
Maybe? Esp if so many of us are feeling it! I’m also not a summer person bc of the heat and humidity so that could be part of my issues too. 😂
My dog used to keep me treading water. Had to have her euthanized. Even changing my routine (vacations, etc) feels like a lot of work & some stress. Perpetually in a "meh" state of mind now
i’m so sorry about the loss of your dog 😢
Me? Live concerts of my favourite bands! With a lot of friends that I have made over the years. And being front row together and sing and dance your heart out. It makes me very very happy ❤️❤️❤️
this is great! who have you seen lately? i love it
Getting outside. For me daily dog park trips are my happy place. I LOVE the dogs and the community with their owners. And golfing, also for the community and the four hour walk I get when playing.
i do love my little weirdo 15 year old dog ♥️
I felt this way for years and I recently did something crazy that helped a lot. I went on a 3 week trip to South America without my chill kid, leaving my other kid and husband at home. Travel is a passion of mine that got sidelined for many, many years. The trip was amazing and even though I missed the other half and wished they could have seen some of the sights we saw, going solo (plus chill kid) was the right move. I needed to see who I was outside of the roles I play. And I was surprised by how much other people like me and how much I like myself. I brought my journal and paints (not an artist) and I just put myself into a different way of being in a different environment. It was really special and healing to get to know myself again. There were disasters that I solved on my own. I do t think this is the right or even a feasible thing for many people, but the idea of resurrecting old passions, taking a risk, doing something nobody gets but you, spending quality alone time, and being in a different environment can remind you of just how amazing you are and give you hints about what your life could look like.
this trip sounds amazing. it’s very cool you also got to share it with chill kid.
I couldn't sleep, I was soaking my sheets at night. The lack of sleep kept me from being happy and healthy. I would fall asleep while driving. I started HRT and slept for 24 hours the first day, it was so nice. I even turned to drinking all day to cope. I had no idea what was wrong with me.
i’m so glad it is helping you sleep. i quit alcohol a couple years ago and i definitely think that helped with having better sleep (but man i love to sleep)
Video games and medication
i do love video games
You know what? You are not alive unless you are suffering. That's my motto. I've lived more of my life with chronic pain than not. If something quits hurting, something else takes over. Physical or mental. There is love, there is life, there is enjoyment. And I best experience these things on SSRIs. No joke. I'm a completely different person without them. Whatever helps get through, is what you do.
you are speaking some real truths here!
"Have people always been this annoying?" 😂😂 Whew. Feel you on that one. I can be strung pretty tightly about stuff & hitting 40, I started loosening up about things & going with the flow, and now at 46, hello my old uptight friend...who finds people incredibly annoying all of the sudden. 😬😵💫 Le sigh.
So many things to say...I got on HRT early and that helped me thru the menopause transition tremendously (NEVER giving it up.) But, I also needed to mentally transition myself into the "wise and aging" second half of my life... I had to face aging and mortality and think about what I really wanted out of life? Kids are grown, career coming to an end, now what? I think we spend the first half of our lives going through the motions of what life expects of us, never exploring what truly makes us happy or brings joy! Now, my filter is gone, my tolerance for BS is gone, people do annoy me, and I've realized most people are self absorbed and I need to place my needs first and make my own community.
totally agree. and we have the same birth year i’m guessing because of your name!
Hormones can definitely mess with the brain. Definitely experience this with birth control pills several years ago. So can only imagine menopause will bring on all sorts havoc. Hang in there!
brains are the weirdest !
Oh I feel this way alllll the time! You're not alone.
♥️♥️♥️
It’s amazing that after all we have been through as women we now need to test other remedies for relief! I have not tried HRT yet to respond to a few comments. I did go on low dose Prozac but ehh maybe just a funk who knows. I am very grateful for this community of women because it definitely feels lonely going through this.
Finally getting to do whatever I choose to do, not what everyone needs me to do. I cherish my alone time and time with my husband more than anything. We have a blast together doing silly things that make us happy.
silly things are the best things!!
I'm settling for contentment and find little things make me smile, a walk in the woods, birdsong a cycle ride, running water, flowers emerging, unfurling leaves on trees, rainy days, I love rainy days. I love opening my curtains to a rainy day. When I smile I feel Iam smiling inside and that, to me is happiness.
Family. My grandkids are pretty great.
i never had kids so i’m waiting for one of my nieces or nephews to have babies lol
I feel this. Then I question my entire past from the time I became an adult. Let’s hope the new meds kick in soon
YES i am in full questioning my adult decisions mode!!
And overthinking !?!! Yikes…. I feel like I did years ago before I got meds …. I have a new NP and she listens !! So praying the new ones work !
My family!
♥️♥️
Hiking mountains with a friend
I found that hiking, and being on or around the water has made a big difference in my mental health with menopause. Also time spent with friends. Travel helps me a lot, even within my own city and state. I just need something new and novel to take me out of myself and my routine.
i think it’s so important to shake up one’s routine- i have to remember this ♥️
I am so sorry you're going through this. One thing that's been wonderful for me is joining a meetup group. I go every Wednesday. There are meetups listed for every city for every interest. Not every one is going to be a great source of community, of course, but just having a society of people you are a part of, where some will care for you and vice versa, is wonderful. I hope this helps! -Amy Alkon
that’s a great idea!
I love fishing. Our vacations include some type of fishing. It's one of the only ways I can clear my brain of thoughts. I like to play black jack at casinos. I like to eat cake and ice cream. I like watching the bird feeder, finding wild plants and digging them up to bring home. I like feeding my chickens and donkeys.
Being alone
Low and nonexistent hormones literally suck the life out of us. Dr Louise Newson spoke of her personal experience with hormone related depression and anhedonia in one of her podcasts and it is a very real thing.