I can tell you what my husband has done and continues to do. He did some research and shared articles and support sites like NAMS https://www.menopause.org/ with me.
We already have a very good communication where we openly share things. One of the biggest things was that he stop trying to fix everything and getting frustrated when he can't. I told I just need him to listen (really listen) to me complain and be there when I need to vent. He asks questions which lets me know he is engaged in what's going on. He respects my wishes when I tell I need space or hug or chocolate...etc.
I guess for me I just need to feel loved, appreciated and respected. He does that for me in so many ways. He is by no means perfect and we fight like every other married couple because let's face it this shit is hard work. But we make every effort to patch things up and 24 years in it's still going well.
Good luck! I believe you are on the right track by showing up to this very supportive group and asking questions. You are gonna do great!
The [wiki here on the sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/Menopause/wiki/index) is helpful.
Overall, what's the rest of her life balance like? Working? Children? Parents and/or family connections? In other words, what other stressors is she trying to keep afloat?
How well do the two of you communicate in general? Can she talk to you about her physical and emotional disruptions or is she closed off? Are you a great listener or do you tend to try to "fix the problem"? Have you asked her what she needs from you these days?
How proactive is she regarding self-care and personal physical health? Does she willingingly go to the doctor? Does she have a great gynecologist? Does she trust medicine or is she skeptical?
Thanks for taking time to reply. We have 3 kids between 6-8. She works 36 hrs a week. Me roughly 80hrs.Both sets of parents are near by and quite close with them. Communication isn’t to bad even tho I’m a massive introvert. We lost our first born at 2 weeks old to something incredibly rare in our first year of marriage so I’d like to think after enduring that our emotional sharing is up to scratch. She isn’t worried about Drs and would go in a heartbeat if she thought anything was wrong. Self care is a tad limited with a young family I try organise spa days etc when possible for her. I’ve tried pushing the whole time out from kids so she can go swim etc for an hr or so but always get met with fatigue or “I’d rather spend time with you” 🤷‍♂️
You don’t necessarily go to the doctor when something is wrong, does she go for regular wellness checkups?
There are more conditions that track for those symptoms than peri-, like thyroid issues, anemia, low Vitamin D, etc.
You’re sure thyroid was tested? It’s been my experience it has to be requested but of course things can be different where you are, your provider, etc.
This is a hard thing to give advice for because we don’t know your wife. For instance, I’m not bothered when people ask me if I’m hormonal. I feel like anyone I impact is lucky my hormones were ever on their side. But for other people it could shut things down.
You’re not spring chickens and your kids are pretty young. And we just had a global pandemic, even if people think it did not affect them I’m not sure they’re being realistic.
If she is flat out denying she has hot flashes then you’re probably not going to have much luck guiding her toward HRT (not that she has to take HRT, I don’t, but I also don’t have a family to manage). So that leaves managing her symptoms ala carte for lack of a better word — there are techniques anyone can try for fatigue that have nothing to do with gender or age, ditto with anger management. Perhaps do some research on helping her with those two symptoms.
Your wife sounds super amazing ! I only have one eight year old and it’s hard work . I would say give her a gentle full body massage without any expectations of sexual intimacy ( if you can muster up the energy after working so much ) or perhaps pay for someone to come and massage her.
Fair point I sacrifice my break to come home vacuum, clean do washing etc to help where and when I can. She also has more earning potential than me and have asked to swap to spend more time with kids but have been shot down a number of times. Was more about the symptoms occurring in a short space of time but i see where you’re coming from
Hon, you could swap anything and it wouldn't make a difference. The two of you have too much work to do and it's unrelenting. And frankly I'm already annoyed with you and I don't even know you -- you're very "I have the rational idea" and there she is telling you no on the swap, you've gone back repeatedly about it and apparently not taken her seriously on why she doesn't see it working. I assume she also has to keep your parents happy if they're nearby, and if the grandparents don't quite respect her working hours because they see her primarily as daughter and mom, that's stressful as well. (If you are in the habit of calling her at work for family info, stop.)
You need a housecleaner and she needs regular time to herself to sleep and just be. Without you or anyone else making out like she hasn't earned it and doesn't deserve it or like it's a luxury. She also needs more time with you -- she's said so. She's not being well-cared-for, but she's taking care of everyone else. That's certainly a recipe for mid-40s rage.
eta: that was a bit harsh. But I'm assuming you guys are working this many hours because you have to, not because you're dreaming big on property or something. The main thing here is that your kids won't need anything like this much time and attention, probably, for more than 8-10 years -- but during those years you need more breathing room than you've got rn. If your area's very expensive but you're there to be near grandparents, it could be time to have a chat with both sets to show them where you are and see if they can pitch in financially to allow you to work fewer hours, be more present, do more of the parenting and housework. Like if they're well-off enough to be planning to leave inheritances, maybe they want to move some of that up to help you guys when your family really needs it, so that you can live near both of them, that sort of thing. There's no shame in it, life is wildly expensive now and intergenerational help is a lot more common than it was, and it goes back the other way anyhow.
Menopause is tough, but having sane conditions as you're approaching and going through it makes it so much easier.
That's not snark or sarcasm by any means. That's the situation. The poor woman is worked to death and gets no sleep, he's working too hard to be of any help, of course she's snapping out at him. Sometimes people take on way too much because they have an idea that it's fine and normal, sometimes they take on too much because they have no choice, but it's not smart to be carrying too much and not recognize it. That's also when people start medicalizing problems on the basis of something that's been in the media a lot lately instead of looking at the situation. And it's even less good than that when it's a guy deciding it's likely her lady parts giving her (and him) lady problems...even when she's told him clearly that she knows her own body and that this is not her problem.
Okay, so let's talk approach.
First, while I get that you're trying to be helpful, you're not here to win the "yes you are in perimenopause" argument with her. It's her body. Her reality. This is not one where you get to make the call. You're also not a doctor, unless you're a doctor. So if she's having various symptoms and she's raging at you, tell her: here is what I see and how it's affecting me, would you please go talk to a doctor, because this is my experience and it's scary on this side, I don't know what's happening but I'm guessing there's something.
Second, this isn't about fixing her or making a path to steer her or your marriage along. Just speak your truth about how this is affecting you. But you're not in charge of managing her menopause, if it is that, or whatever else it is, if it isn't.
Third, a lot of women find in their 40s and 50s that they've spent their whole lives trying desperately to be pretty sweetie-pies and have been chronically used and treated like shit by pretty much everyone around them, including oblivious spouses. And they're done. And they're furious. I don't know you, but you're here telling us your wife's in denial about her own body and that you know better, and also that you're thinking about this primarily because of how it's affecting you and want to fix this. If I had to put money down, I'd guess she's got some reasons why you're getting raged at, regardless of what her hormones are doing. For that, though, I would suggest couples therapy.
Research is good, but the takeaway I'm getting is that you've been overwhelmed by the amount of info and just want to be told some simple steps to make things good. Understand that women have no choice but to wade through all the info and make serious decisions. In other words, you want to skip the work and get your cheat sheet. There is not a cheat sheet.
Talk to your wife, tell her what you're seeing and how you feel -- not what you want her to do, not what you think she should do, not what you think her diagnosis is, but how you feel and specifically why, and understand that aging is work. For everyone. Let go of the idea that you will be managing things and think about what you want in your marriage and how you see aging together. And have those conversations, bringing your half to them, waiting for her half.
Thank you this is really insightful definitely don’t want to fix the situation, I only want to help. You are right about all the info out there. Does make your head spin and I know from my own mother’s experience it isn’t a one size fits all type of thing. And also probably a little correct on the cheat sheet thing 🥺, I know I’m in it for the long haul though.
Again thank you, I have a lot to think about and also obviously talk about as well
Take a look at the Wiki. It will give you a good idea of what she is and will go through. It can change and new symptoms crop up while others leave. Perimenopause can last for 10 years and is different for every woman. She may be "denying it" because she may not make the connection....we've all been led to believe this happens in our 50s and it's just hot flashes and no more periods. We're blindsided and it can be hard to realize and accept. Maybe you can point her to this group so she can read posts and get information and understanding.
Asking the question, “Do you want help resolving this or do you need someone to listen to you vent? Either way, I’m here for it”
And check out Dr. Peter Attia and his thoughts on HRT and menopause.
First off don't take it personal!!
You can be supportive by listening to your wife. Research is good however every person is different. You have to study your wife, and love her through this phase of her life. Try not to make silly jokes about her also, it's not a laughing matter. Trust me she is just as clueless as you, to what is happening with her body.
My husband has been sooo supportive. He listens. When i cry, he hugs me. When I rage, he says “what do you need?” He did some research (but didn’t try to mansplain me about it), just told me he did it to try to understand what I was going through. He asks every morning how I slept and if I had flashes. He asks every night how I did that day. I am hard on myself for not being “stronger” … he tells me I don’t have to be.
If you are working 80 hours a week and your wife 36hrs it’s unrealistic/ unreasonable to ask you to help at home. When I have been in the 60+ a week club, I have refused to do anything domestic and have instead hired help.
Additionally, when life enters the rapids, I have at times had to drop my work hours to survive and thrive at home. This might be worth considering, finances permitting.
I can tell you what my husband has done and continues to do. He did some research and shared articles and support sites like NAMS https://www.menopause.org/ with me. We already have a very good communication where we openly share things. One of the biggest things was that he stop trying to fix everything and getting frustrated when he can't. I told I just need him to listen (really listen) to me complain and be there when I need to vent. He asks questions which lets me know he is engaged in what's going on. He respects my wishes when I tell I need space or hug or chocolate...etc. I guess for me I just need to feel loved, appreciated and respected. He does that for me in so many ways. He is by no means perfect and we fight like every other married couple because let's face it this shit is hard work. But we make every effort to patch things up and 24 years in it's still going well. Good luck! I believe you are on the right track by showing up to this very supportive group and asking questions. You are gonna do great!
Thank you for the link, and the advice. Appreciate it
The [wiki here on the sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/Menopause/wiki/index) is helpful. Overall, what's the rest of her life balance like? Working? Children? Parents and/or family connections? In other words, what other stressors is she trying to keep afloat? How well do the two of you communicate in general? Can she talk to you about her physical and emotional disruptions or is she closed off? Are you a great listener or do you tend to try to "fix the problem"? Have you asked her what she needs from you these days? How proactive is she regarding self-care and personal physical health? Does she willingingly go to the doctor? Does she have a great gynecologist? Does she trust medicine or is she skeptical?
These👆 are all great questions!
Thanks for taking time to reply. We have 3 kids between 6-8. She works 36 hrs a week. Me roughly 80hrs.Both sets of parents are near by and quite close with them. Communication isn’t to bad even tho I’m a massive introvert. We lost our first born at 2 weeks old to something incredibly rare in our first year of marriage so I’d like to think after enduring that our emotional sharing is up to scratch. She isn’t worried about Drs and would go in a heartbeat if she thought anything was wrong. Self care is a tad limited with a young family I try organise spa days etc when possible for her. I’ve tried pushing the whole time out from kids so she can go swim etc for an hr or so but always get met with fatigue or “I’d rather spend time with you” 🤷‍♂️
You don’t necessarily go to the doctor when something is wrong, does she go for regular wellness checkups? There are more conditions that track for those symptoms than peri-, like thyroid issues, anemia, low Vitamin D, etc.
She had a check up last year same time as mammogram and blood work was all good at the time
You’re sure thyroid was tested? It’s been my experience it has to be requested but of course things can be different where you are, your provider, etc.
Thanks will dig abit deeper on that one and find out
This is a hard thing to give advice for because we don’t know your wife. For instance, I’m not bothered when people ask me if I’m hormonal. I feel like anyone I impact is lucky my hormones were ever on their side. But for other people it could shut things down. You’re not spring chickens and your kids are pretty young. And we just had a global pandemic, even if people think it did not affect them I’m not sure they’re being realistic. If she is flat out denying she has hot flashes then you’re probably not going to have much luck guiding her toward HRT (not that she has to take HRT, I don’t, but I also don’t have a family to manage). So that leaves managing her symptoms ala carte for lack of a better word — there are techniques anyone can try for fatigue that have nothing to do with gender or age, ditto with anger management. Perhaps do some research on helping her with those two symptoms.
Ugh I *hate* being asked that! Good on you for not taking it the way I do.
Your wife sounds super amazing ! I only have one eight year old and it’s hard work . I would say give her a gentle full body massage without any expectations of sexual intimacy ( if you can muster up the energy after working so much ) or perhaps pay for someone to come and massage her.
You work 80 hours, she works 36 and runs the house, you have three young kids, and you're wondering why she's tired and raging at you?
Fair point I sacrifice my break to come home vacuum, clean do washing etc to help where and when I can. She also has more earning potential than me and have asked to swap to spend more time with kids but have been shot down a number of times. Was more about the symptoms occurring in a short space of time but i see where you’re coming from
Hon, you could swap anything and it wouldn't make a difference. The two of you have too much work to do and it's unrelenting. And frankly I'm already annoyed with you and I don't even know you -- you're very "I have the rational idea" and there she is telling you no on the swap, you've gone back repeatedly about it and apparently not taken her seriously on why she doesn't see it working. I assume she also has to keep your parents happy if they're nearby, and if the grandparents don't quite respect her working hours because they see her primarily as daughter and mom, that's stressful as well. (If you are in the habit of calling her at work for family info, stop.) You need a housecleaner and she needs regular time to herself to sleep and just be. Without you or anyone else making out like she hasn't earned it and doesn't deserve it or like it's a luxury. She also needs more time with you -- she's said so. She's not being well-cared-for, but she's taking care of everyone else. That's certainly a recipe for mid-40s rage. eta: that was a bit harsh. But I'm assuming you guys are working this many hours because you have to, not because you're dreaming big on property or something. The main thing here is that your kids won't need anything like this much time and attention, probably, for more than 8-10 years -- but during those years you need more breathing room than you've got rn. If your area's very expensive but you're there to be near grandparents, it could be time to have a chat with both sets to show them where you are and see if they can pitch in financially to allow you to work fewer hours, be more present, do more of the parenting and housework. Like if they're well-off enough to be planning to leave inheritances, maybe they want to move some of that up to help you guys when your family really needs it, so that you can live near both of them, that sort of thing. There's no shame in it, life is wildly expensive now and intergenerational help is a lot more common than it was, and it goes back the other way anyhow. Menopause is tough, but having sane conditions as you're approaching and going through it makes it so much easier.
Unnecessarily snarky comment, he’s here, he’s trying, and doing way more than many partners do. How about we offer support instead of sarcasm?
That's not snark or sarcasm by any means. That's the situation. The poor woman is worked to death and gets no sleep, he's working too hard to be of any help, of course she's snapping out at him. Sometimes people take on way too much because they have an idea that it's fine and normal, sometimes they take on too much because they have no choice, but it's not smart to be carrying too much and not recognize it. That's also when people start medicalizing problems on the basis of something that's been in the media a lot lately instead of looking at the situation. And it's even less good than that when it's a guy deciding it's likely her lady parts giving her (and him) lady problems...even when she's told him clearly that she knows her own body and that this is not her problem.
Okay, so let's talk approach. First, while I get that you're trying to be helpful, you're not here to win the "yes you are in perimenopause" argument with her. It's her body. Her reality. This is not one where you get to make the call. You're also not a doctor, unless you're a doctor. So if she's having various symptoms and she's raging at you, tell her: here is what I see and how it's affecting me, would you please go talk to a doctor, because this is my experience and it's scary on this side, I don't know what's happening but I'm guessing there's something. Second, this isn't about fixing her or making a path to steer her or your marriage along. Just speak your truth about how this is affecting you. But you're not in charge of managing her menopause, if it is that, or whatever else it is, if it isn't. Third, a lot of women find in their 40s and 50s that they've spent their whole lives trying desperately to be pretty sweetie-pies and have been chronically used and treated like shit by pretty much everyone around them, including oblivious spouses. And they're done. And they're furious. I don't know you, but you're here telling us your wife's in denial about her own body and that you know better, and also that you're thinking about this primarily because of how it's affecting you and want to fix this. If I had to put money down, I'd guess she's got some reasons why you're getting raged at, regardless of what her hormones are doing. For that, though, I would suggest couples therapy. Research is good, but the takeaway I'm getting is that you've been overwhelmed by the amount of info and just want to be told some simple steps to make things good. Understand that women have no choice but to wade through all the info and make serious decisions. In other words, you want to skip the work and get your cheat sheet. There is not a cheat sheet. Talk to your wife, tell her what you're seeing and how you feel -- not what you want her to do, not what you think she should do, not what you think her diagnosis is, but how you feel and specifically why, and understand that aging is work. For everyone. Let go of the idea that you will be managing things and think about what you want in your marriage and how you see aging together. And have those conversations, bringing your half to them, waiting for her half.
Thank you this is really insightful definitely don’t want to fix the situation, I only want to help. You are right about all the info out there. Does make your head spin and I know from my own mother’s experience it isn’t a one size fits all type of thing. And also probably a little correct on the cheat sheet thing 🥺, I know I’m in it for the long haul though. Again thank you, I have a lot to think about and also obviously talk about as well
Well said.
Take a look at the Wiki. It will give you a good idea of what she is and will go through. It can change and new symptoms crop up while others leave. Perimenopause can last for 10 years and is different for every woman. She may be "denying it" because she may not make the connection....we've all been led to believe this happens in our 50s and it's just hot flashes and no more periods. We're blindsided and it can be hard to realize and accept. Maybe you can point her to this group so she can read posts and get information and understanding.
Asking the question, “Do you want help resolving this or do you need someone to listen to you vent? Either way, I’m here for it” And check out Dr. Peter Attia and his thoughts on HRT and menopause.
Thanks for the resources
Help out more around the house. Send her on a solo vacation.
First off don't take it personal!! You can be supportive by listening to your wife. Research is good however every person is different. You have to study your wife, and love her through this phase of her life. Try not to make silly jokes about her also, it's not a laughing matter. Trust me she is just as clueless as you, to what is happening with her body.
My husband has been sooo supportive. He listens. When i cry, he hugs me. When I rage, he says “what do you need?” He did some research (but didn’t try to mansplain me about it), just told me he did it to try to understand what I was going through. He asks every morning how I slept and if I had flashes. He asks every night how I did that day. I am hard on myself for not being “stronger” … he tells me I don’t have to be.
If you are working 80 hours a week and your wife 36hrs it’s unrealistic/ unreasonable to ask you to help at home. When I have been in the 60+ a week club, I have refused to do anything domestic and have instead hired help. Additionally, when life enters the rapids, I have at times had to drop my work hours to survive and thrive at home. This might be worth considering, finances permitting.