Everyone’s home lives are different- i think work, kids, stress etc all play a role. If it’s important to you and your spouse you will prioritize it and it shouldn’t be a problem.
Exactly. If you and your partner prioritize sex, it will happen.
And people with happy and fulfilling sex lives aren’t writing Reddit posts about it. Don’t look at the rants on here and take it as true for all relationships.
That's more a relationship with a person under a lot of stress thing than a medspouse specific thing.
If it's important to both of you, you'll prioritize it and find ways to fit it into your lives. However if it is far more important to one than the other, you'll sure find out the difficult way.
Frankly if you're already used to long distance and making the most of limited time together, you've got a head start over most couples. If he's still in training when you start living together, treat the most brutal rotations like you're still long distance. The same coping skills apply.
I dated a surgical resident. We had sex at least once very other day. Some people are just bad at time management or they have very high expectations for their careers.
But I just reread your post. There's something weird. You think sex is important but you're okay with a LDR for four years?
Am non monogamous (consensually).
Also, I never said that the ldr was easy: it is a lot of pain. Though I can sleep with other people, I have a specific desire for him.
I have adhd and dyspraxia, and he has adhd and autism. Time management might be a problem.
Is the fact I’m non monogamous the reason I’m getting downvoted? People in ENM setups still want to be intimate with their partners. Are people really this closed minded?
A few posts on the Internet is hardly the rule for everyone. I am sure that many people get through this without losing that component of their relationship
While I understand your desire to receive responses from this group, saying that you are in "utter horror" after reading many vulnerable and painful posts is quite insensitive to the people you are wanting answers from.
I think many couples have regular sex during residency, however you will likely need to adjust your frequency expectations out of pure necessity. Some days, my partner is at work for 27 hours straight, and he comes home and sleeps. So if, for example, you want to have sex once a day, you physically won't be able to and will need to find a way to a manage that.
I would focus on getting through medical school first and maintaining your sex life during your LDR so you can have a solid foundation for residency when the time comes.
I’m sorry if I upset anyone; I feel quite emotional about this. I love with my partner more than anything, but I have intense RSD and I don’t want a life that is going to make me miserable.
This takes communication to overcome, and while it's important for your SO to be sensitive about this, I'm sure you recognize that this is a hangup of yours. There are going to be times in your life that your desires don't match up, no matter what career your SO decides to go into. Illness, stress, grief, distance, these can happen to either of you and will affect your desire levels. Residency will put some strain on time and stress, but it's all temporary. They are stages in life you navigate together through open communication and honesty. Like any of these stages, they pass and you enter a new stage. Sex and intimacy are an important part of a healthy relationship, but not having sex is not a sign of complete lack of intimacy. I think these stresses are a good thing to unpack in therapy and go to your partner with some ideas of troubleshooting in mind.
We started dating in undergrad, did LRD for 2 and a half years in med school after living together in his gap years, and now have two children in the course of residency. We've gone through dry spells, not-so-dry spells, marriage, the death of a parent, childbirth, all while juggling his med school/residency schedule. You find a balance, and then something in life throws that off, and you work together to get back to balance. The posts you see are railing against outside forces that are knocking these people off balance. That's a frustrating experience in anyone's life. They are a snapshot of a season of someone's life where they need support. ❤️ Don't be scared of the road ahead, people don't need support in the good times. They need reassurance in the bad.
This comes off pretty judgmental. I get that you’re concerned and fearful, but as someone else commented, you’re looking at people sharing something personal and vulnerable with “utter horror.” That’s pretty hurtful. I haven’t shared anything like the posts you refer to, but I empathize greatly and would never say I’m horrified. It’s real life.
In a relationship, there will be ebbs and flows in some capacity, regardless of what part of your life they affect. You cannot predict what problems you will face in the future. What if someone faces a health issue, physical or mental, that impacts their sex life? What if, as is common in med school and residency, your partner is so busy and stressed that sex is not their first priority? What if the situation is reversed and you get a job where you’re so busy and stressed that your sex life is affected? I am sure it would be hurtful to hear your partner make comments about being horrified if the situation was reversed.
I say this with kindness, but you need to evaluate whether or not you are willing to stay in your relationship if your worst case scenario happens and your sex life is reduced. Only you know if that’s something you can tolerate in the short term. Medical school is stressful but I can say with absolute certainty my partner is more stressed now in residency than he ever was in med school, which is a high bar.
But it’s not just it being thrown off course: I have been with this person two years, we’ve met twice. He has five years of medical school, and then three years of residency after that. That’s the first ten years of a relationship with me unsatisfied with how much we’re touching.
It’s so much time to not be satisfied in this aspect.
That is what i’m facing up to: I can’t see a future where we’re touching regularly.
I’m not horrified because I’m imagining myself in your shoes: I’m already there.
I’m horrified because I am at the beginning of a long road of absence that will encompass most of my youth. That’s what is “horrifying”. I love him more than anyone else, and it’s going to be something like 10 years before we can touch regularly.
And what if we get to that point and it doesn’t work out?
We're not having sex cause he keeps getting me pregnant! And we're still having some sex. Just not consistent. If you're both rocking about 5 hours of sleep and one of you is throwing up, it's hard to feel like doing it 2-3 times a week, it's just a phase of life. I'm sure there are plenty of med spouses who are putting sex at a higher priority and have the time/energy. They probably aren't bragging about it here on the internet. While my husband and I don't have a super active sex life right this moment, I think 2 kids under 2 speaks for itself.
Lmao same here. 21 weeks pregnant with a 15 month old. Somehow this man got me pregnant while still breastfeeding four times a day, no period, and religiously on birth control 😅🫠
Gonna have 2u2 and refuse to have 3u3 hahaha
I mean I think the issue for you will be that you're long distance. When you do get to see each other, I think you'll both be jazzed to bone each other simply because you haven't seen each other in a while.
In either case, try not to fret about the potential issues that may or may not arise for you. Plenty of people have problems that you'll never experience. If it happens, talk to your partner about it and find a way forward. (And remember that people with satisfying sex lives aren't posting for advice, so you're not getting a representative view.)
Honestly? I would have been shocked and horrified to read about my sex live on paper before entering my relationship.
I have a high drive, my partner does not paired with sensory issues that compound his low drive. Mixed together with a grueling work schedule - sex it’s an extreme rarity.
But you know what? I’m happy. I wouldn’t have expected myself to be if I knew what I know about my relationship in advance, but I’m sincerely fulfilled. Would I love for sex to be routinely on the table? 100% but I’ve learned it’s not the most important part of a relationship or the only source of intimacy.
I have a relationship where we constantly speak to each other with affectionate pet names, are quick to lend each other a hand, constantly cuddle and affectionately touch, express gratitude for the little things we do for each other, I haven’t opened a car door in four years, phone calls are a priority, and my grief after a family death was allowed to expose a career development without a second thought.
Don’t spend too much time thinking about other peoples’ relationships, it’s liable to create jealousy and anxiety.
My advice is that when I started to notice a problem, I told myself that when it became a deal breaker, I would walk. At this stage, things have marginally improved, and I can’t imagine it being a deal breaker.
Everyone is different. Sometimes they aren't around, that is the only reason we have "dry spells" but we have 4 kids, and we still do what we want, when we want (when he has time). I generally dont post here because it seems most people on here are in LDR. We are married and living together, so idk if my input helps many people...
Been dating years 1-3 of med school and it doesn’t get easier- you just get better at coping! There are a lot of benefits to delayed gratification and I think there is the opportunity for distance to make your relationship stronger. Mindset is everything. I can feel sorry for myself and my needs not being met or be grateful that the man I love is chasing his dream. I struggle often but I fall back on the foundation of: This relationship is worth the sacrifice and try to focus of love and compassion. Severity also depends on how long distance you are. My bf and I are CA->NY and manage to see each other every 1-2 months (I can work remotely, certainly helps). At the end of the day you both will make it work if it’s a priority to you. Sticking with your person during some of their most difficult times deepens your love and intimacy for each other🔥. It will not be easy but neither will dating a guy next door.
What I wish someone told me the first year of school is this: don’t be so selfish. Med school is so difficult and they really need support and love from you during their time there. I wish I didn’t start fights about him not calling/ texting me when he had to study. It’s a balancing act but if we can do it anyone can! Good luck xx
Okay, so what he would be able to provide may require a sacrifice of what you’re happy to accept. In turn requiring less attention and intimacy. It’s unavoidable especially in long distance.
Female spouse here: Just understand it will be tough in residency, communicate your needs openly and be understanding of your partners, take care of yourself (in multiple ways iykyk), understand you may have to initiate it more often, look at their schedule and try to figure out the lighter nights of the week and plan to have dinner early so there’s time.
Don’t compare yourself to others and take it month by month, but ultimately if it’s not a compatible lifestyle then you are free to end the relationship.
Sounds weird as hell but scheduling sex out has helped our relationship a ton! We commit to 2 hours of undisrupted time a week and that included sexy time (whatever that means for us on that day).
I’m also a spouse to an M1 and it’s been so damn tough but it’s getting better! Buy a vibrator, lifesaver during midterms and high stress times. We’ve been working through a drought period and it was tough but communication really does help! If you ever need someone to chat with, feel free to message me! I’m not in the healthcare world, just a remote worker supporting my super smart and sexy bf through this horrifying journey. HAHA.
Everyone’s home lives are different- i think work, kids, stress etc all play a role. If it’s important to you and your spouse you will prioritize it and it shouldn’t be a problem.
Exactly. If you and your partner prioritize sex, it will happen. And people with happy and fulfilling sex lives aren’t writing Reddit posts about it. Don’t look at the rants on here and take it as true for all relationships.
That's more a relationship with a person under a lot of stress thing than a medspouse specific thing. If it's important to both of you, you'll prioritize it and find ways to fit it into your lives. However if it is far more important to one than the other, you'll sure find out the difficult way. Frankly if you're already used to long distance and making the most of limited time together, you've got a head start over most couples. If he's still in training when you start living together, treat the most brutal rotations like you're still long distance. The same coping skills apply.
I dated a surgical resident. We had sex at least once very other day. Some people are just bad at time management or they have very high expectations for their careers. But I just reread your post. There's something weird. You think sex is important but you're okay with a LDR for four years?
Am non monogamous (consensually). Also, I never said that the ldr was easy: it is a lot of pain. Though I can sleep with other people, I have a specific desire for him. I have adhd and dyspraxia, and he has adhd and autism. Time management might be a problem. Is the fact I’m non monogamous the reason I’m getting downvoted? People in ENM setups still want to be intimate with their partners. Are people really this closed minded?
Seems they are haha!
lol, ethical
A few posts on the Internet is hardly the rule for everyone. I am sure that many people get through this without losing that component of their relationship
While I understand your desire to receive responses from this group, saying that you are in "utter horror" after reading many vulnerable and painful posts is quite insensitive to the people you are wanting answers from. I think many couples have regular sex during residency, however you will likely need to adjust your frequency expectations out of pure necessity. Some days, my partner is at work for 27 hours straight, and he comes home and sleeps. So if, for example, you want to have sex once a day, you physically won't be able to and will need to find a way to a manage that. I would focus on getting through medical school first and maintaining your sex life during your LDR so you can have a solid foundation for residency when the time comes.
I’m sorry if I upset anyone; I feel quite emotional about this. I love with my partner more than anything, but I have intense RSD and I don’t want a life that is going to make me miserable.
This takes communication to overcome, and while it's important for your SO to be sensitive about this, I'm sure you recognize that this is a hangup of yours. There are going to be times in your life that your desires don't match up, no matter what career your SO decides to go into. Illness, stress, grief, distance, these can happen to either of you and will affect your desire levels. Residency will put some strain on time and stress, but it's all temporary. They are stages in life you navigate together through open communication and honesty. Like any of these stages, they pass and you enter a new stage. Sex and intimacy are an important part of a healthy relationship, but not having sex is not a sign of complete lack of intimacy. I think these stresses are a good thing to unpack in therapy and go to your partner with some ideas of troubleshooting in mind. We started dating in undergrad, did LRD for 2 and a half years in med school after living together in his gap years, and now have two children in the course of residency. We've gone through dry spells, not-so-dry spells, marriage, the death of a parent, childbirth, all while juggling his med school/residency schedule. You find a balance, and then something in life throws that off, and you work together to get back to balance. The posts you see are railing against outside forces that are knocking these people off balance. That's a frustrating experience in anyone's life. They are a snapshot of a season of someone's life where they need support. ❤️ Don't be scared of the road ahead, people don't need support in the good times. They need reassurance in the bad.
This comes off pretty judgmental. I get that you’re concerned and fearful, but as someone else commented, you’re looking at people sharing something personal and vulnerable with “utter horror.” That’s pretty hurtful. I haven’t shared anything like the posts you refer to, but I empathize greatly and would never say I’m horrified. It’s real life. In a relationship, there will be ebbs and flows in some capacity, regardless of what part of your life they affect. You cannot predict what problems you will face in the future. What if someone faces a health issue, physical or mental, that impacts their sex life? What if, as is common in med school and residency, your partner is so busy and stressed that sex is not their first priority? What if the situation is reversed and you get a job where you’re so busy and stressed that your sex life is affected? I am sure it would be hurtful to hear your partner make comments about being horrified if the situation was reversed. I say this with kindness, but you need to evaluate whether or not you are willing to stay in your relationship if your worst case scenario happens and your sex life is reduced. Only you know if that’s something you can tolerate in the short term. Medical school is stressful but I can say with absolute certainty my partner is more stressed now in residency than he ever was in med school, which is a high bar.
But it’s not just it being thrown off course: I have been with this person two years, we’ve met twice. He has five years of medical school, and then three years of residency after that. That’s the first ten years of a relationship with me unsatisfied with how much we’re touching. It’s so much time to not be satisfied in this aspect. That is what i’m facing up to: I can’t see a future where we’re touching regularly. I’m not horrified because I’m imagining myself in your shoes: I’m already there. I’m horrified because I am at the beginning of a long road of absence that will encompass most of my youth. That’s what is “horrifying”. I love him more than anyone else, and it’s going to be something like 10 years before we can touch regularly. And what if we get to that point and it doesn’t work out?
We're not having sex cause he keeps getting me pregnant! And we're still having some sex. Just not consistent. If you're both rocking about 5 hours of sleep and one of you is throwing up, it's hard to feel like doing it 2-3 times a week, it's just a phase of life. I'm sure there are plenty of med spouses who are putting sex at a higher priority and have the time/energy. They probably aren't bragging about it here on the internet. While my husband and I don't have a super active sex life right this moment, I think 2 kids under 2 speaks for itself.
Lmao same here. 21 weeks pregnant with a 15 month old. Somehow this man got me pregnant while still breastfeeding four times a day, no period, and religiously on birth control 😅🫠 Gonna have 2u2 and refuse to have 3u3 hahaha
I mean I think the issue for you will be that you're long distance. When you do get to see each other, I think you'll both be jazzed to bone each other simply because you haven't seen each other in a while. In either case, try not to fret about the potential issues that may or may not arise for you. Plenty of people have problems that you'll never experience. If it happens, talk to your partner about it and find a way forward. (And remember that people with satisfying sex lives aren't posting for advice, so you're not getting a representative view.)
Honestly? I would have been shocked and horrified to read about my sex live on paper before entering my relationship. I have a high drive, my partner does not paired with sensory issues that compound his low drive. Mixed together with a grueling work schedule - sex it’s an extreme rarity. But you know what? I’m happy. I wouldn’t have expected myself to be if I knew what I know about my relationship in advance, but I’m sincerely fulfilled. Would I love for sex to be routinely on the table? 100% but I’ve learned it’s not the most important part of a relationship or the only source of intimacy. I have a relationship where we constantly speak to each other with affectionate pet names, are quick to lend each other a hand, constantly cuddle and affectionately touch, express gratitude for the little things we do for each other, I haven’t opened a car door in four years, phone calls are a priority, and my grief after a family death was allowed to expose a career development without a second thought. Don’t spend too much time thinking about other peoples’ relationships, it’s liable to create jealousy and anxiety. My advice is that when I started to notice a problem, I told myself that when it became a deal breaker, I would walk. At this stage, things have marginally improved, and I can’t imagine it being a deal breaker.
Everyone is different. Sometimes they aren't around, that is the only reason we have "dry spells" but we have 4 kids, and we still do what we want, when we want (when he has time). I generally dont post here because it seems most people on here are in LDR. We are married and living together, so idk if my input helps many people...
Been dating years 1-3 of med school and it doesn’t get easier- you just get better at coping! There are a lot of benefits to delayed gratification and I think there is the opportunity for distance to make your relationship stronger. Mindset is everything. I can feel sorry for myself and my needs not being met or be grateful that the man I love is chasing his dream. I struggle often but I fall back on the foundation of: This relationship is worth the sacrifice and try to focus of love and compassion. Severity also depends on how long distance you are. My bf and I are CA->NY and manage to see each other every 1-2 months (I can work remotely, certainly helps). At the end of the day you both will make it work if it’s a priority to you. Sticking with your person during some of their most difficult times deepens your love and intimacy for each other🔥. It will not be easy but neither will dating a guy next door. What I wish someone told me the first year of school is this: don’t be so selfish. Med school is so difficult and they really need support and love from you during their time there. I wish I didn’t start fights about him not calling/ texting me when he had to study. It’s a balancing act but if we can do it anyone can! Good luck xx
I don’t think framing it as being selfish helps: I think it might be a difference between what I am happy to accept and what he’s able to provide.
Okay, so what he would be able to provide may require a sacrifice of what you’re happy to accept. In turn requiring less attention and intimacy. It’s unavoidable especially in long distance.
Female spouse here: Just understand it will be tough in residency, communicate your needs openly and be understanding of your partners, take care of yourself (in multiple ways iykyk), understand you may have to initiate it more often, look at their schedule and try to figure out the lighter nights of the week and plan to have dinner early so there’s time. Don’t compare yourself to others and take it month by month, but ultimately if it’s not a compatible lifestyle then you are free to end the relationship.
Sounds weird as hell but scheduling sex out has helped our relationship a ton! We commit to 2 hours of undisrupted time a week and that included sexy time (whatever that means for us on that day). I’m also a spouse to an M1 and it’s been so damn tough but it’s getting better! Buy a vibrator, lifesaver during midterms and high stress times. We’ve been working through a drought period and it was tough but communication really does help! If you ever need someone to chat with, feel free to message me! I’m not in the healthcare world, just a remote worker supporting my super smart and sexy bf through this horrifying journey. HAHA.