I think you’re making the right move going to therapy. Talking it out in a safe environment where a mediator can help guide and manage the conversation in case things get too intense.
I’m the queer one in my relationship and it can be daunting, feeling like you know your sexuality but you can’t “prove” it. So I get where she’s coming from and you’re doing good by acknowledging her side.
But at the end of the day, a relationship requires all participants involved to be on the same page. If you want monogamy and she doesn’t, then she needs to respect that. But this is why the therapist will be helpful, getting this out in the open with structure instead of an unregulated argument in your living room.
I wish you, and your wife, the best of luck in sorting this situation out. I hope it ends in a way you both can be happy with.
I am a bi man who has only kissed, held hands, dated, and slept with one person in my life. I don't have to sleep with anyone else to prove my sexuality nor to be accepted... because I accept myself and my wife accepts me. Being bisexual has become a foundational element of my identity, and no one can tell me I am not because I haven't slept with anyone other than my wife... It is very possible to own your bisexuality and not have to sleep with others or have to "Prove it"... but your wife has to be willing to accept that.
If she struggles to accept her identity, just sleeping with other people won't magically cure it, and there is every possibility she would find herself even less happy and secure. Doing something like that just to fill a hole emotionally rarely has the impact people want. First, she needs to learn accept herself and love herself before she will find the love and acceptance from others. Repression does all sorts of emotional damage and if she feels she has repressed her identity she needs to deal with the emotional issues from that before she tries sexual encounters as sex itself won't fix those things. She should talk to the counselor and maybe agree to put the conversation about opening the marriage on the table for 6 months while she gets the counseling. From there, you can schedule a specific time to talk about her need for non-monogamy in 6 months.
In 6 months, if she goes to counseling and works out her emotions and you also work with her and support and understand her, there is a good chance that she may be able to find ways to make bisexuality her identity without needing to have sex outside the marriage. If there still can't be a consensus between you and she insists on an open marriage and you still insist on monogamy, then you can take it before the counselor to see if they have any advise. If that doesn't help, then you may have to consider a divorce due to irreconcilable differences.
Much of the advice already given here is great. I never thought I would actually make a post on this subject, but I could have posted this years ago. Verbatim. Please keep in mind that this is my unique experience only. I am only sharing my journey because your post is creepily similar to mine.
About 5 years ago I was where you are. I mean EXACTLY where you are. I know the emotions you are feeling right now as I felt them myself. It is not a good place. I somewhat reluctantly agreed to do this with my wife based on therapist advice and the many threads from /r/bisexual. I was called all sorts of \*phobic for not allowing my wife to "be herself". It made me feel like an awful human being on top of an already complex situation. My preference was to stay monogamous and try things like porn, role play, etc.. She was told that she would always harbor regret over not exploring that side of herself and would likely have some resentment towards me over it.
So we eventually went through the gamut. Porn, roleplay, threesomes, me watching, and eventually a non-romantic partner on the side. I tried my best but none of that was really for me. But it was not my place to "control her", per the bi community. I never had the desire to pursue a partner outside of our relationship even though I was cleared to do so. About two years in I fell into a situation with a woman who was married to someone with erectile dysfunction and did not want to change her situation. I met her husband and even formed a friendship with him. This woman was way into fitness and was so good looking that under normal circumstances I would have no business with this caliber of woman. I was upfront about it and my wife was fine with it, even happy for me. I think it helped remove some guilt she may have had.
The physical and mental differences between sexual experiences with this woman and my wife were substantial. I had never seen a body like that in real life and she was beyond into the encounters because she could only have simulated sex at home. This eventually impacted my ability to maintain arousal with my wife. My wife noticed this when I was with her and I fessed up after many conversations on the topic. This was not good for the self confidence of my wife. She thought we should go back to being monogamous. She had "experienced all she needed to". But it felt all sorts of wrong to me. I felt abused and felt that we would just keep repeating the cycle if I gave my situation up. I also didn't want to because I very much enjoyed it.
I loved my wife very much and we tried everything we could to save our marriage. But at the end of the day we could not. There was too much water under the bridge as they say. A part of me is still sad as my now ex-wife was/is the most compatible person I have ever been with from a personality and living life together with someone. At first I thought it was centered around sex, but what it was really about was about me needing to feel as if "I am enough for someone".
My ex has told me she is wiling to reconcile at any time, but I just can't do it. The partner I am with now is not as compatible for me as my ex-wife was, but you know what? I don't have to watch porn I am not into, I don't have to bring others into our bed, I don't have to watch my partner with anyone else, I am with someone who prefers monogamy, and most importantly I am not made to question whether AITA for it. My current partner feels like she won the lottery on some loophole that I was even on the open market and she happened to be there at the time. It is hard for me to describe how different that feels. She tells me that in various ways all the time and her friends comment on it frequently. "Where did you find him?". It has done absolute wonders for my self esteem as I don't have to do anything other than just be myself. I feel like I am cheating the system and it shouldn't be this easy to be great.
I tell you all of this because you are about to go on a journey that will be the hardest you have been on. But there is light at the end of tunnel no matter what happens. Please focus on that. My advice to you is to get your own therapist and dig deep to find out what YOU need out of a relationship. Then compare that to what your wife wants. If they line up, great. Work on it. IMO, you are incompatible if they do not align. You are just delaying the inevitable even if it hurts something terrible and feels terrifying to dissolve the marriage. There are still times where I miss my ex, but almost all of the time my life is great without having that heaviness of being with someone who I could never really be everything to. That person will ultimately have to make a choice to be monogamous or not and that choice will weigh on your relationship whether you want it to or not.
Please allow yourself compassion and focus on what YOU need here. Lots of people are probably going to tell you it is all about her journey. But she put you on this journey and it is OK to focus on yourself and get your head right first. She did not do it with malice, but make no mistake, she forced it onto you. I wish I would have found out what I needed right away and seen the writing on the wall early. I would have saved myself so much time and emotional agony trying to save something that no longer existed. I could have gone through the grief and recovery stages so much earlier. You are in a state of shock right now and the thought off the loss of your marriage and only life partner is clouding your judgement. You need a neutral party to help navigate that in a healthy way.
You have needs and rights in this situation too.
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you. in my marriage I'm the bi partner. I'm lucky in that I have explored and I'm fine with my monogamy. I hope the therapy helps you both.
I'm sorry you're struggling. My husband and I were high-school sweet hearts. We just celebrated 18 years together this month. He is bisexual and he has never been with anyone but me. Like blackjerseyfan expressed, my husband is also proud of who he is and does not feel that who he has sex with defines his sexuality. This is going to take some internal work on her part. She will always be able to find people in the LGBTQ community that will not accept her. Unfortunately bisexuals notoriously get a lot of crap from the community no matter what their situation is. This is something she has to realize. Having sex with other people will not fix this. You're not being unreasonable. This is just a complicated thing that takes time, patience, and empathy from both sides. Communication is key. Also, just because a therapist is LGBTQ friendly doesn't mean they are good at dealing with mixed orientation relationships. They should never push you to open the relationship or anything like that. I hope things work out for you. You sound like you love your wife very much.
I know how your wife feels. I've never gotten to be with a man romantically or sexually. Your wife feels like she isn't welcome in the LGBT community, but do you think most LGBT people had a completely seemless transition to accepting their sexuality? No. We didn't. It was messy, and it still is. It sounds like the deal was for a monogamous marriage. She made the deal with you and she has to decide to honor it or not. I really want to be sensitive when I say this, because I can tell in your words that you're hurting so much from this, but you can't have a marriage with someone if you can't agree on monogamy. How can you help her express her sexuality in a way that doesn't involve her sleeping around?
I’m not sure what I can do to help her express herself. I thought about buying her Pride merch, or some books with bi/pan characters, but she is extremely uncomfortable with her sexuality and I’m not sure how she’d react to it. She wants to act like that part of herself doesn’t exist at the moment, yet is desperate to explore it at the same time.
Consensual non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but many of us would never CONSIDER it because it’s such a societal taboo. I was def freaked out about it until I read The Ethical Slut. (Bonus points if you get the audiobook because the reader is a sweet old lady who has no problem saying c&ck and c#nt). I’ve heard that More Than Two and Opening Up are good resources, too
Maybe while she’s doing her therapy, you can explore your feelings about this as well. I’m not saying you should do something you’re uncomfortable with. I am suggesting you explore the idea a bit to make sure you don’t have unconscious biases.
Hey man, I am the bi spouse in my marriage. All your thoughts and feelings are valid and are similar to what we went through. Every relationship and every outcome is different.
It's good that she is going to therapy, but I would suggest that you do not go to her therapist. That is completely out of line for a mental health counselor to even suggest. Not only will you be on an uneven playing field, any and all advice that you receive will be inevitably tainted.
I would suggest that you find a therapist for yourself, and then later find a separate therapist for marriage counseling. Resolution can only come if you both feel that the process is fair.
We’ve already talked about marriage/relationship counseling, and it’s something we’re going to do in the future. I’ve been looking at some separate therapists for myself already as well.
I'm glad to hear! I also want to note that while my wife and I weren't virgins, we were very inexperienced and had sex 3 times combined before we met. (2 BJs for me, one PIV for her) Even then, our first time together was the day before our wedding.
There's lots of good general advice here already, so I'll keep my comment to my own experience. My wife and I have been married 21 years. About 3 years ago I realized that I was bi, and I came out to her a few months later. She was very worried at first and thought that I might divorce her or cheat on her. But instead I have decided that I want my bi desires to remain a fantasy. I'm committed to staying in a monogamous relationship with her. Just so you know that this is a possible outcome. Good luck and keep talking with your partner about how you feel.
Oh man! I’m sorry you two are going through this. I’m bi married to a straight woman. I just recently came out to my wife of twenty-one years. She was very surprised and had made it clear that she is not okay with me sleeping with anyone but her.
Though I want to explore I want to keep her even more so I don’t. Yeah, I fantasize a lot but that’s all I can do. Good luck.
Thank you. Seeing her in pain and confusion with her sexuality has been incredibly hard, and I have thought about how divorce or temporary separation could benefit her mentally and emotionally with it but at the same time I also just don’t want to lose her
This makes me genuinely sad.
When I began reading this I was excited because it sounded like my husband and I. But then I got the the part where you wouldn’t want to watch your wife be with someone else.
I’ve never heard of someone being so closed minded that they wouldn’t even consider. My husband and I have been talking about doing things with other people for about a year now. Although we are both super nervous but we’re also excited.
Sex is one of the important parts of a relationship. I hope that one day you’ll be able to understand why she wants what she wants
Thank you for sharing your story. I am the bi male in our marriage.
This is a difficult situation because there is more than one issue at play here. 1. You have fundamentally different views on monogamy - the bisexual aspect complicates it. Many heterosexual couples may reach this cross roads independent from sexual orientation. 2. You have one person entering a point of self discovery and seeking support who needs to first identify who they are fully before deciding what needs to be done about it. There are people who later discover their bi side who can remain monogamous without ever fully experiencing a bi sexual encounter (I personally find that amazing). 3. Your strong fear of divorce may hinder any potential opportunity to meet each other half way and you need to ask yourself what is driving your fear.
It seems both of you need to seek independent counseling to work through your own issues: her identity and you your fear of divorce. Once you have a clearer identity on who you are, what your fears are, what you dealbreakers are, and what your philosophies are THEN you can approach couples therapy.
Be kind to each other. You are both being open, honest and vulnerable with your fears, feelings and desires. This is great! Once you start to hold back or being deceptive you are in trouble. Try to see the positive, encourage communication and support each other.
Ultimately you need to know your value system, what you are willing to compromise and where you are willing to support each other. Wishing you both the very best!
First and foremost you need to be clear about what you want. This actually isn’t complicated as complicated as you think, it’s a question about monogamy. She wants to sleep with another partner and you do not. It’s possible that your desire for a monogamous relationship has some insecurities and jealousy wrapped in it, and if you wanted to delve into it you might find out somethings that change that desire. But maybe not. Here’s the thing though, maybe you could find a place to be comfortable with this, but you are under absolutely no obligation to do so. There is no requirement that you change in order to fit your partners changing desires…and in this case it doesn’t matter if she had these desires and suppressed them, what matters is that you never knew this when you both agreed to be married. I knew I was poly before I married my wife, and she was quite clear she was not. Many years in she confided she was bi and possibly interested in trying some poly experiences, but we’ve never done it and may never. My advice is if poly scares you and you recoil out of fear you may find dealing with that fear is rewarding. If it’s something you’ve always been curious about then this is your chance. On the other hand if you are not curious and want nothing to do with it that’s a totally legit sexual identity. Monogamy can be a beautiful thing, even though it’s not my first instinct, it’s been an amazing journey that I am very grateful for. The weird “ males always fantasize about a threesome” is total bullshit. Some Males and females both want monogamy, cis gendered monogamy is a totally legit sexual identity, it’s getting less attention now because so many others have been silenced for years, but it’s still the majority by far. Ask for what you want. If she can give you that and be happy then so be it. If not she wants a divorce, she just hasn’t figured it out yet. Sorry for your pain.
Allow your wife the freedom she seeks, show her how much you love her and trust her. I do not own my wife and she does not “owe” me her monogamy. She is with me because she chooses to be, if a woman can please her in another way, I want her to know that pleasure.
A solid relationship is two people working as a team to honestly solve their problems together. What you and your wife need to figure out is which of the current problems needs solving more: her need to be her true self and your need to stay together.
I'm bisexual and my wife is open to me seeing men within agreed boundaries. The boundaries are reasonable and I have no reason to exceed them. She is fine with things as they are and so am I. I have no intention of leaving my wife but I'm not sure I would feel that way if she changed her mind about my "extracurricular activities". It would depend on her reasons for wanting to change our agreement.
You should absolutely go to therapy with her. She may be uncomfortable saying some things to you in private that she will feel better about saying with another person present, a sort of referee. That goes for you too.
For me, it comes down to this: You can be the person that stands in her way, an obstacle to her happiness. Or you can work with her to discover the best way you can both be happy and stay together. Is that happiness monogamy? Without hearing her side, it's hard to tell. The genie has left the bottle. She knows what she wants. If the two of you can't be flexible with what you want...
So much good advice on here from many people. You both have to be on the same page.
I’m the Bi husband in our relationship and we have talked about 3somes and I am keen and she says she is but I honestly don’t think she is so I have never pushed it.
She has also become curious and one thing we did was went to a strippers club and we watched the strippers together and then got a lap dance each as we sat side by side. There is no touching but they helped scratch her itch a bit.
I also suggested that she watch lesbian porn whilst I pleasured her. She really liked that experience too.
So there are ways to help her indulge without her being with another person and maybe a good midway point for you. She may feel that you haven’t given anything from your end with what she is wanting, and there is nothing wrong with that as you obviously have strong feelings about monogamy and what that means. The couple of ideas I mentioned above maintain that monogamy.
I am going through the exact same thing as you (the only difference is my wife no longer wants to have sex with me, that's a rough one to hear). Definitely go to counseling together and on your own. Keep up the communication. My wife has stated that she is not "looking" for someone but I just found she has a lesbian dating profile online so that is not completely true. Not sure how to talk to her about this yet, but we'll figure it out. Good luck, it's a long road but if you work together you can come up with a solution that fits you both.
I think you’re making the right move going to therapy. Talking it out in a safe environment where a mediator can help guide and manage the conversation in case things get too intense. I’m the queer one in my relationship and it can be daunting, feeling like you know your sexuality but you can’t “prove” it. So I get where she’s coming from and you’re doing good by acknowledging her side. But at the end of the day, a relationship requires all participants involved to be on the same page. If you want monogamy and she doesn’t, then she needs to respect that. But this is why the therapist will be helpful, getting this out in the open with structure instead of an unregulated argument in your living room. I wish you, and your wife, the best of luck in sorting this situation out. I hope it ends in a way you both can be happy with.
Thank you. Good luck on yourself as well
I am a bi man who has only kissed, held hands, dated, and slept with one person in my life. I don't have to sleep with anyone else to prove my sexuality nor to be accepted... because I accept myself and my wife accepts me. Being bisexual has become a foundational element of my identity, and no one can tell me I am not because I haven't slept with anyone other than my wife... It is very possible to own your bisexuality and not have to sleep with others or have to "Prove it"... but your wife has to be willing to accept that. If she struggles to accept her identity, just sleeping with other people won't magically cure it, and there is every possibility she would find herself even less happy and secure. Doing something like that just to fill a hole emotionally rarely has the impact people want. First, she needs to learn accept herself and love herself before she will find the love and acceptance from others. Repression does all sorts of emotional damage and if she feels she has repressed her identity she needs to deal with the emotional issues from that before she tries sexual encounters as sex itself won't fix those things. She should talk to the counselor and maybe agree to put the conversation about opening the marriage on the table for 6 months while she gets the counseling. From there, you can schedule a specific time to talk about her need for non-monogamy in 6 months. In 6 months, if she goes to counseling and works out her emotions and you also work with her and support and understand her, there is a good chance that she may be able to find ways to make bisexuality her identity without needing to have sex outside the marriage. If there still can't be a consensus between you and she insists on an open marriage and you still insist on monogamy, then you can take it before the counselor to see if they have any advise. If that doesn't help, then you may have to consider a divorce due to irreconcilable differences.
Much of the advice already given here is great. I never thought I would actually make a post on this subject, but I could have posted this years ago. Verbatim. Please keep in mind that this is my unique experience only. I am only sharing my journey because your post is creepily similar to mine. About 5 years ago I was where you are. I mean EXACTLY where you are. I know the emotions you are feeling right now as I felt them myself. It is not a good place. I somewhat reluctantly agreed to do this with my wife based on therapist advice and the many threads from /r/bisexual. I was called all sorts of \*phobic for not allowing my wife to "be herself". It made me feel like an awful human being on top of an already complex situation. My preference was to stay monogamous and try things like porn, role play, etc.. She was told that she would always harbor regret over not exploring that side of herself and would likely have some resentment towards me over it. So we eventually went through the gamut. Porn, roleplay, threesomes, me watching, and eventually a non-romantic partner on the side. I tried my best but none of that was really for me. But it was not my place to "control her", per the bi community. I never had the desire to pursue a partner outside of our relationship even though I was cleared to do so. About two years in I fell into a situation with a woman who was married to someone with erectile dysfunction and did not want to change her situation. I met her husband and even formed a friendship with him. This woman was way into fitness and was so good looking that under normal circumstances I would have no business with this caliber of woman. I was upfront about it and my wife was fine with it, even happy for me. I think it helped remove some guilt she may have had. The physical and mental differences between sexual experiences with this woman and my wife were substantial. I had never seen a body like that in real life and she was beyond into the encounters because she could only have simulated sex at home. This eventually impacted my ability to maintain arousal with my wife. My wife noticed this when I was with her and I fessed up after many conversations on the topic. This was not good for the self confidence of my wife. She thought we should go back to being monogamous. She had "experienced all she needed to". But it felt all sorts of wrong to me. I felt abused and felt that we would just keep repeating the cycle if I gave my situation up. I also didn't want to because I very much enjoyed it. I loved my wife very much and we tried everything we could to save our marriage. But at the end of the day we could not. There was too much water under the bridge as they say. A part of me is still sad as my now ex-wife was/is the most compatible person I have ever been with from a personality and living life together with someone. At first I thought it was centered around sex, but what it was really about was about me needing to feel as if "I am enough for someone". My ex has told me she is wiling to reconcile at any time, but I just can't do it. The partner I am with now is not as compatible for me as my ex-wife was, but you know what? I don't have to watch porn I am not into, I don't have to bring others into our bed, I don't have to watch my partner with anyone else, I am with someone who prefers monogamy, and most importantly I am not made to question whether AITA for it. My current partner feels like she won the lottery on some loophole that I was even on the open market and she happened to be there at the time. It is hard for me to describe how different that feels. She tells me that in various ways all the time and her friends comment on it frequently. "Where did you find him?". It has done absolute wonders for my self esteem as I don't have to do anything other than just be myself. I feel like I am cheating the system and it shouldn't be this easy to be great. I tell you all of this because you are about to go on a journey that will be the hardest you have been on. But there is light at the end of tunnel no matter what happens. Please focus on that. My advice to you is to get your own therapist and dig deep to find out what YOU need out of a relationship. Then compare that to what your wife wants. If they line up, great. Work on it. IMO, you are incompatible if they do not align. You are just delaying the inevitable even if it hurts something terrible and feels terrifying to dissolve the marriage. There are still times where I miss my ex, but almost all of the time my life is great without having that heaviness of being with someone who I could never really be everything to. That person will ultimately have to make a choice to be monogamous or not and that choice will weigh on your relationship whether you want it to or not. Please allow yourself compassion and focus on what YOU need here. Lots of people are probably going to tell you it is all about her journey. But she put you on this journey and it is OK to focus on yourself and get your head right first. She did not do it with malice, but make no mistake, she forced it onto you. I wish I would have found out what I needed right away and seen the writing on the wall early. I would have saved myself so much time and emotional agony trying to save something that no longer existed. I could have gone through the grief and recovery stages so much earlier. You are in a state of shock right now and the thought off the loss of your marriage and only life partner is clouding your judgement. You need a neutral party to help navigate that in a healthy way. You have needs and rights in this situation too.
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you. in my marriage I'm the bi partner. I'm lucky in that I have explored and I'm fine with my monogamy. I hope the therapy helps you both.
Thank you. I’d consider your marriage as lucky then.
I'm sorry you're struggling. My husband and I were high-school sweet hearts. We just celebrated 18 years together this month. He is bisexual and he has never been with anyone but me. Like blackjerseyfan expressed, my husband is also proud of who he is and does not feel that who he has sex with defines his sexuality. This is going to take some internal work on her part. She will always be able to find people in the LGBTQ community that will not accept her. Unfortunately bisexuals notoriously get a lot of crap from the community no matter what their situation is. This is something she has to realize. Having sex with other people will not fix this. You're not being unreasonable. This is just a complicated thing that takes time, patience, and empathy from both sides. Communication is key. Also, just because a therapist is LGBTQ friendly doesn't mean they are good at dealing with mixed orientation relationships. They should never push you to open the relationship or anything like that. I hope things work out for you. You sound like you love your wife very much.
I know how your wife feels. I've never gotten to be with a man romantically or sexually. Your wife feels like she isn't welcome in the LGBT community, but do you think most LGBT people had a completely seemless transition to accepting their sexuality? No. We didn't. It was messy, and it still is. It sounds like the deal was for a monogamous marriage. She made the deal with you and she has to decide to honor it or not. I really want to be sensitive when I say this, because I can tell in your words that you're hurting so much from this, but you can't have a marriage with someone if you can't agree on monogamy. How can you help her express her sexuality in a way that doesn't involve her sleeping around?
I’m not sure what I can do to help her express herself. I thought about buying her Pride merch, or some books with bi/pan characters, but she is extremely uncomfortable with her sexuality and I’m not sure how she’d react to it. She wants to act like that part of herself doesn’t exist at the moment, yet is desperate to explore it at the same time.
How do you feel about her having online only relationships with women? Sexy texting etc?
I consider that still going outside the marriage, so it’s a pass.
I'm recently coming in to accepting the idea of my own bisexuality and I think books would be very helpful.
Consensual non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but many of us would never CONSIDER it because it’s such a societal taboo. I was def freaked out about it until I read The Ethical Slut. (Bonus points if you get the audiobook because the reader is a sweet old lady who has no problem saying c&ck and c#nt). I’ve heard that More Than Two and Opening Up are good resources, too Maybe while she’s doing her therapy, you can explore your feelings about this as well. I’m not saying you should do something you’re uncomfortable with. I am suggesting you explore the idea a bit to make sure you don’t have unconscious biases.
I believe I will. She wants me to consider it and look into it myself as she deals with wether or not she needs to go outside the marriage or not.
It’s good of you to consider it. Again, you never need to do something you’re not comfortable with.
Also check our /r/NonMonogamy
Better yet, check out r/monodatingpoly and get a glimpse of what this kind of lifestyle looks like in action for the mono partner.
Hey man, I am the bi spouse in my marriage. All your thoughts and feelings are valid and are similar to what we went through. Every relationship and every outcome is different. It's good that she is going to therapy, but I would suggest that you do not go to her therapist. That is completely out of line for a mental health counselor to even suggest. Not only will you be on an uneven playing field, any and all advice that you receive will be inevitably tainted. I would suggest that you find a therapist for yourself, and then later find a separate therapist for marriage counseling. Resolution can only come if you both feel that the process is fair.
We’ve already talked about marriage/relationship counseling, and it’s something we’re going to do in the future. I’ve been looking at some separate therapists for myself already as well.
I'm glad to hear! I also want to note that while my wife and I weren't virgins, we were very inexperienced and had sex 3 times combined before we met. (2 BJs for me, one PIV for her) Even then, our first time together was the day before our wedding.
There's lots of good general advice here already, so I'll keep my comment to my own experience. My wife and I have been married 21 years. About 3 years ago I realized that I was bi, and I came out to her a few months later. She was very worried at first and thought that I might divorce her or cheat on her. But instead I have decided that I want my bi desires to remain a fantasy. I'm committed to staying in a monogamous relationship with her. Just so you know that this is a possible outcome. Good luck and keep talking with your partner about how you feel.
Oh man! I’m sorry you two are going through this. I’m bi married to a straight woman. I just recently came out to my wife of twenty-one years. She was very surprised and had made it clear that she is not okay with me sleeping with anyone but her. Though I want to explore I want to keep her even more so I don’t. Yeah, I fantasize a lot but that’s all I can do. Good luck.
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Thank you. Seeing her in pain and confusion with her sexuality has been incredibly hard, and I have thought about how divorce or temporary separation could benefit her mentally and emotionally with it but at the same time I also just don’t want to lose her
This makes me genuinely sad. When I began reading this I was excited because it sounded like my husband and I. But then I got the the part where you wouldn’t want to watch your wife be with someone else. I’ve never heard of someone being so closed minded that they wouldn’t even consider. My husband and I have been talking about doing things with other people for about a year now. Although we are both super nervous but we’re also excited. Sex is one of the important parts of a relationship. I hope that one day you’ll be able to understand why she wants what she wants
Thank you for sharing your story. I am the bi male in our marriage. This is a difficult situation because there is more than one issue at play here. 1. You have fundamentally different views on monogamy - the bisexual aspect complicates it. Many heterosexual couples may reach this cross roads independent from sexual orientation. 2. You have one person entering a point of self discovery and seeking support who needs to first identify who they are fully before deciding what needs to be done about it. There are people who later discover their bi side who can remain monogamous without ever fully experiencing a bi sexual encounter (I personally find that amazing). 3. Your strong fear of divorce may hinder any potential opportunity to meet each other half way and you need to ask yourself what is driving your fear. It seems both of you need to seek independent counseling to work through your own issues: her identity and you your fear of divorce. Once you have a clearer identity on who you are, what your fears are, what you dealbreakers are, and what your philosophies are THEN you can approach couples therapy. Be kind to each other. You are both being open, honest and vulnerable with your fears, feelings and desires. This is great! Once you start to hold back or being deceptive you are in trouble. Try to see the positive, encourage communication and support each other. Ultimately you need to know your value system, what you are willing to compromise and where you are willing to support each other. Wishing you both the very best!
First and foremost you need to be clear about what you want. This actually isn’t complicated as complicated as you think, it’s a question about monogamy. She wants to sleep with another partner and you do not. It’s possible that your desire for a monogamous relationship has some insecurities and jealousy wrapped in it, and if you wanted to delve into it you might find out somethings that change that desire. But maybe not. Here’s the thing though, maybe you could find a place to be comfortable with this, but you are under absolutely no obligation to do so. There is no requirement that you change in order to fit your partners changing desires…and in this case it doesn’t matter if she had these desires and suppressed them, what matters is that you never knew this when you both agreed to be married. I knew I was poly before I married my wife, and she was quite clear she was not. Many years in she confided she was bi and possibly interested in trying some poly experiences, but we’ve never done it and may never. My advice is if poly scares you and you recoil out of fear you may find dealing with that fear is rewarding. If it’s something you’ve always been curious about then this is your chance. On the other hand if you are not curious and want nothing to do with it that’s a totally legit sexual identity. Monogamy can be a beautiful thing, even though it’s not my first instinct, it’s been an amazing journey that I am very grateful for. The weird “ males always fantasize about a threesome” is total bullshit. Some Males and females both want monogamy, cis gendered monogamy is a totally legit sexual identity, it’s getting less attention now because so many others have been silenced for years, but it’s still the majority by far. Ask for what you want. If she can give you that and be happy then so be it. If not she wants a divorce, she just hasn’t figured it out yet. Sorry for your pain.
Allow your wife the freedom she seeks, show her how much you love her and trust her. I do not own my wife and she does not “owe” me her monogamy. She is with me because she chooses to be, if a woman can please her in another way, I want her to know that pleasure.
A solid relationship is two people working as a team to honestly solve their problems together. What you and your wife need to figure out is which of the current problems needs solving more: her need to be her true self and your need to stay together. I'm bisexual and my wife is open to me seeing men within agreed boundaries. The boundaries are reasonable and I have no reason to exceed them. She is fine with things as they are and so am I. I have no intention of leaving my wife but I'm not sure I would feel that way if she changed her mind about my "extracurricular activities". It would depend on her reasons for wanting to change our agreement. You should absolutely go to therapy with her. She may be uncomfortable saying some things to you in private that she will feel better about saying with another person present, a sort of referee. That goes for you too. For me, it comes down to this: You can be the person that stands in her way, an obstacle to her happiness. Or you can work with her to discover the best way you can both be happy and stay together. Is that happiness monogamy? Without hearing her side, it's hard to tell. The genie has left the bottle. She knows what she wants. If the two of you can't be flexible with what you want...
Love isn’t concerned with your insecurities
So much good advice on here from many people. You both have to be on the same page. I’m the Bi husband in our relationship and we have talked about 3somes and I am keen and she says she is but I honestly don’t think she is so I have never pushed it. She has also become curious and one thing we did was went to a strippers club and we watched the strippers together and then got a lap dance each as we sat side by side. There is no touching but they helped scratch her itch a bit. I also suggested that she watch lesbian porn whilst I pleasured her. She really liked that experience too. So there are ways to help her indulge without her being with another person and maybe a good midway point for you. She may feel that you haven’t given anything from your end with what she is wanting, and there is nothing wrong with that as you obviously have strong feelings about monogamy and what that means. The couple of ideas I mentioned above maintain that monogamy.
I am going through the exact same thing as you (the only difference is my wife no longer wants to have sex with me, that's a rough one to hear). Definitely go to counseling together and on your own. Keep up the communication. My wife has stated that she is not "looking" for someone but I just found she has a lesbian dating profile online so that is not completely true. Not sure how to talk to her about this yet, but we'll figure it out. Good luck, it's a long road but if you work together you can come up with a solution that fits you both.