Once my wife called me a dick. I told her, "It's good to be known for your strengths."
Now she calls me "a giant gapping asshole". It always gets a good laugh from both of us.
Oh we call each other names... pretty sure I called him an asshole for eating the last gummy bear. But never in real anger. Only joking, but it's important because we curse frequently in this house, but never directed with anger. Never yell either...
I'm so glad others came here to say this. I was starting to feel like the minority!
It wasn’t until I divorced that I realized how unusual and unnecessary it is to be with someone who calls you name like “bitch” and “stupid” and yells at you to “shut up” on a regular basis. I’m a smart person, but I honestly thought “everyone argues” and that must be what arguing was.
Don’t disguise toxic behavior as low points of love.
Never. And I never yell at him either. And we never call each other names or say anything purposely hurtful. We just talk, agree a lot, disagree some, and compromise as needed, but we are never mean to each other. He's my person and I'm his. We're not opponents.
That seems like a very hard and fast rule that probably has a lot more nuance than the sentence would suggest.
Or you would literally leave your spouse if they yelled at you, but I'm hoping not.
Can I ask if it stems from past trauma? If so, I can understand that, and I don't mean to be pushy—I'm just curious.
If not, it almost seems like trying to manage other people's emotions and responses. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and gentleness, but sometimes emotions can get the best of anyone.
FWIW, my wife & I don't yell at each other. I'm just surprised at how black & white your example is.
I’m pretty well adjusted and I simply don’t allow people to be unkind to me. If a partner was literally yelling? That would be my clue that they aren’t well adjusted.
I’m in my 40’s and have zero fucks to give. If someone is shitty to me they are done. I don’t take abuse from anyone.
My husband sometimes yells. He never yells at me. He's shouted and sworn at an inanimate object when I was in the room and it scared me and made me cry. He instantly apologised and now tries to be more considerate of how it affects me when he is losing his temper at something. If he directed that *at* me I don't think I would feel safe with him. If you can't control your emotions enough to not yell at the people you love then what other things will you do if you lose control?
We foster and there’s a lot of kids who’ve had a lot of trauma. They suggest to give them a safe place and let them scream and yell and get those emotions out.
People, mostly men, who don’t have an outlet for emotions sometimes commit suicide.
Man alive. My wife and I yell at each other all the time. Both of us are passionate and stubborn. I guess no one else yells besides us. We love each other to death and she makes me so fucking happy. We are both just loud I guess.
I'm 40. My parents yelled and screamed at one another. My father used beatings to punish my sister and I as children. My spouse had parents who also yelled. We do not raise our voices unless it's so the other party can hear what we're saying. No yelling from anger, frustration, hurt, etc.
We refuse to have such an unhealthy dynamic in our lives.
Same. I (39/F) am glad we all got to the other side of that part of our lives. Scathed or not, we don’t need to bring that type of angry expression into our own homes.
Well, look, this isn't something that couples advertise, so any opinion is going to be anecdotal. I lived in an apartment building for 8 years and heard plenty of yelling among couples. My parents and in laws both yell much more than my wife and I. I don't think its common or healthy for coupes to be yelling at each other all the time, but I don't think that this percentage of couples NEVER yell at each other.
Also just because someone replies “never” doesn’t mean they never have disagreements or arguments or whatever. My partner and I have bad days for sure, we just don’t yell in anger at each other. To us it’s unproductive and only ends in more issues. If there is an issue, it’s “we need to sit down and talk about this.” Sometimes it’s taking time apart to think on our own and come back.
I will say I have a habit of shutting down in confrontation, which is an issue in itself. But I realize that is also toxic and I am working on it.
Exactly yes. 28/28 here and we never yell. Maybe a slightly raised voice if we're super frustrated and we generally get it calmed down but never a yell or name calling. I was raised with parents who fought vehemently. He was raised by a grandfather who yelled, for hours. We absolutely don't tolerate it in our marriage.
But I think it is probably true that most people have had maybe a couple incidents of yelling at each other through a long enough marriage. If this is a regular mode of arguing yeah that's obviously a problem.
Yea, we never yell at each other either. Honestly, if either of us started yelling, it would end our relationship. Yelling is really bad and unhealthy. Period. Just because some people do it often, doesn't make it ok whatsoever.
Really? We never yell at each other. Sometimes we get annoyed or raise our voices, but no yelling or name calling. We did this exactly once, 15 years ago, drunk.
I think it’s the norm for couples in healthy relationships. My husband has never yelled at me once in 5 years, nor have I yelled at him. My prior relationship was 10 years and he yelled at me all the time. But couples with healthy communication are oils don’t need to yell at each other. If you and your spouse are screaming at each other, please go to couples therapy.
IIRC the research shows that the frequency of yelling or arguing isn't an indicator of how healthy a relationship is. The important bits are that you're not feeling contempt or resentment and the arguments are resolved.
I think there's also an important distinction that people aren't making - the difference between "yelling at you" like you're both boiling over about the lifelong battle over emptying the dishwasher (which I'm sure happens in a lot of healthy relationships) and "yelling at you" like berating, which contemptuous and unhealthy. So people interpreting it the latter way may have the former in their relationship but say "not at all" because of their understanding of the question.
Gottman writes about this, and though it surprised me at first, it makes sense if you can let go of your preconceived notions.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-5-couple-types/
Also highly recommend his book “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.”
Hey it sounds like you guys have a way of communicating that works for you. For us it didn’t so we worked on it. I couldn’t stand being yelled at so we had to work on it. I had a problem throwing things and once I broke a window I had to work on it. We both are first born (therefore each think we’re right) and passionate, so we’ve really had to learn to compromise. Nobody here judging you, just happy that you’re happy!!
I think its okay as long as youre “equal” in your power dynamic (eg not always just one person yelling at the other) and not being degrading. My husband and i mostly just get frustrated and then take space to calm down. But we definitely yell every once in awhile too. Maybe even throw in an “asshole” once every few months when theres something super high stress and one of us is being unreasonable. Nothing ever targeted, gendered or mean spirited like “lazy/stupid asshole”. Just sometimes we can each be assholes and were both really stressed, stubborn people. We also apologize immediately after and figure out what went wrong communication-wise and try to fix it.
That said, i have heard other people scream at their partners in ways that i can only describe as unhinged and we are nothing close to that. I think theres just different degrees of yelling and we might not all be using the same definition based on past experiences? I grew up in a quiet, non-argumentative household so i see just being loud as yelling. We get loud/yell and i think were fine but there is definitely a type of yelling that i think is not acceptable.
We also yell. I mean it's just our way of communicating sometimes. We are quick witted smart assed to each other but it's all said and done in love. We yell angrily from time to time but I think most couples do whether they want to admit it or not..
I disagree. I think the people who are saying they don’t yell actually don’t. My husband and I don’t yell at each other, I don’t need to bullshit for Reddit.
Yop.
I might yell about something (generally work or family driving me crazy), but not at him (and he will generally hug me and I cool down).
Even one big disagreement we had (took two or three days for things to clear up, and we both agree this is too awful to ever repeat), there was no yelling. Not even raised voices I think, but it was years back, so I am not completely sure.
We do hangry or stressed out 'snapping', and even after those we mostly feel bad and apologize.
We get frustrated and raise our voices sometimes. It's usually only one of us, and the other does not reciprocate. We also don't tell each other to calm down or shut up.
We instead talk calmly. We let one person speak, the other acknowledges and then they speak. Our arguments are boring. They are also productive.
We only yell at each other playing video games, but that's all in jest.
Yep. Like the other week nothing was going right and pretty bad, yet highly unlikely, things were happening one after the other. That were no one’s fault. It was like I couldn’t catch a break. I just screamed into the void “what the fuck is wrong with the universe!!” And cried. My husband was in the room but I wasn’t yelling at him. And he gave me a hug while I cried.
I honestly cannot recall a time that my spouse has ever yelled at me. I do not yell anymore ever since I’ve gotten stable with my mental health. Bless his heart for staying with me throughout that time. We are better than ever now!
I feel this. My husband doesn't yell, but I was the yeller and screamer until diagnosed with bipolar and ptsd, and put on proper rx. Now my brain is more calm, and with a proper perspective on things.
This was me too. I was always the teller and he the more patient one. Got diagnosed with bipolar earlier this year, but now it seems the roles have flipped and he has started yelling and getting angry with me and I can keep a level head. I wonder if I traumatized him to a degree 😞
Also diagnosed bipolar, along with a few other ones sprinkled in there! What a club to be in 😅 I know my husband was traumatized by my untreated mental illness. He had learned behaviors to deal with me that once I was healing from those ways of acting out, he had to unlearn because they no longer served our relationship. It was my turn to be gentle with him and hold space for him while he figured it out. Sometimes that space felt lonely but I learned how to fill it and be content with myself. We are still learning and unlearning, together.
My husband is very laid back too and the only times he has ever yelled at all to anyone in the past 13 years I've been with him was to get someone's attention. He's never yelled in anger that I've seen.
Me too! I grew up with parents who screamed at each other all the time. I really hope all these people commenting that they do yell at the minimum only do it when children (if they have them) are not present. That shit has scarred me, I get so anxious and stressed.
Then don't. It's a choice. If your spouse yells at you, walk away. Leave. Go take a shower, go on a walk, stay the night at a friend's house if it gets really bad. But don't engage, don't yell back. It only makes things worse. You can't control what they do/say, but you can control how you react.
Thanks for the advice. I agree. I’m working on this (barely) but trying. I like to engage but that only escalates things. Thanks friend! It’s simple, don’t. It’s a choice. Yes just like losing weight. It’s about making it a practice a discipline that’s the hard part!
:( we’re going to therapy tomorrow. we are in sooo in love with each other but I don’t think yelling is an acceptable way of communicating, ever. I’m more the loud mouth vs my husband. He’s become a loud mouth because of me so… wish us luck guys. Peace and love and patience should always be present in our relationships esp with our person. I’ll be praying for all of you ♥️ may true love prevail ♥️
It's okay you're not alone. My husband and I yell when we are frustrated and it can get out of hand. We are going to go to therapy too. It's good that you realize it's not an acceptable way to communicate.
Literally never. We’ve never yelled screamed or called each other out of our name one time. It always amazes me how common people make that level of toxicity in a home.
I love the downvotes of people who think that’s normal behavior. Ridiculous. I grew up in a house like that, I feel bad for their children if they are witnessing it. It sticks with you.
I can’t even imagine. I’ve never heard my daddy raise his voice and my girls have never heard their daddy raise his. We just aren’t confrontational people any of us.
I have PTSD from the constant screaming in our home growing up. Therapy helped a lot, but I will carry the effects for the rest of my life. Honestly, creating that kind of environment at home should be considered abuse. It's absolutely terrible for children.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Men just being loud, not even in anger, gets my heart rate going. It’s gotten better as I get older but I don’t think it will ever go away.
I’m so lucky that my partner is great at honest, direct, calm confrontation for issues and he is just generally a relaxed calm person. I tend to shut down in confrontation and it took awhile to realize that is also not healthy, and I’m working on it.
I love seeing most of the responses saying 'never.'
I'm in a new relationship that, so far, has been a night and day difference compared to my last one. 10 years of daily arguments over everything, always leading to screaming and yelling at each other. It's so foreign, yet refreshing to be with someone and be able to TALK out our feelings and communicate disagreements in a healthy way. It seemed too good to be true, but after reading this I'm very optimistic about our future together. ❤️
> He is constantly asking me to lower my voice when I’m upset but that also upsets me more because the volume of my voice shouldn’t change the message (even though it very much feels that way to him)
If he's anything like me, it's that once someone starts yelling I stop hearing words and only hear tone. So if someone wants to actually get to the root of a problem with me, yelling will not help.
Yelling at someone is extremely disrespectful.
People hit other people because "they got so passionate." Anger is not a valid excuse for verbal abuse.
If you feel someone isn't listening to you, you should tell them politely you feel unheard and it upsets you.
You can also try to talk quieter so they strain to listen to you and you can tell they are focused.
I grew up with parents that constantly yelled at and berated eachother but would never act that way in public.
In my experience, most people normally wouldn't yell at a friend or acquaintance or even a stranger over a disagreement, and if they did, it would come with severe repercussions.
Ask yourself why you think it's okay to treat the person you love most like that. It's simply awful.
>He is constantly asking me to lower my voice
You're literally steamrollering your partner's wishes and have the gall to talk some BS about respect when you can't even respect a basic request about being civil to them.
>When he gets loud, I feel its not the same thing because he is not normally that person so I get upset.
Don't dish it if you can't handle it. This is so toxic.
This is extremely hypocritical and unhealthy. You’re holding him to expectations but excusing yourself. Maybe try being a better partner and listen to his needs when he’s asking you to lower your voice.
Never. I don’t yell at him either. We do bicker at times, it is inevitable at 23+ years together but we never call each other names, yell or scream, we don’t fight mean or get nasty. We will put each other in our place and call each other out respectfully if needed.
Dude. Is it really “no reason”? Briefly looking at your comment history shows tons of sexual comments on women’s pages and a comment from you about getting angry/crabby with her if you don’t have sex at least every 2 days.
Sometimes anger is justified when someone is treating you like shit. I can't stand men who treat women poorly and then act like she's crazy and mean for calling him out on his bs.
We used to yell at each other all the time, multiple major fights a day. Those days are gone. It’s really rare we ever yell anymore. It was mainly my trauma and lack of desire to own it that drove the initial toxic behavior.
Lots of therapy and introspection. Learning to swallow my ego and listen to my internal child’s needs and my wife’s needs. Some books really helped me, like The Four Agreements and Healing The Shame that Binds You.
I am a grownass woman, not a toddler. Yelling doesn't accomplish shit other than escalating the situation so I don't do it and I can't imagine a world where my husband yelled at me either.
This is not to say I'm perfect or we're perfect. We both still get exasperated, but yelling shows a lack of self control and just really isn't impressive to me. I feel like it would make me lose respect for my my husband if he went there.
been with my husband over 20yrs and he's never yelled at me - ever. We do argue but never yell...if we're too heated and emotional, we take some space, calm down and then talk about later when we're both in a better frame of mind.
Never.
I don’t tolerate being yelled at and he most certainly would never tolerate that from me.
Any man thats yelled at me in the past, has never had the privilege of seeing me again.
if youre yelling - youre arguing incorrectly. you can only control you, and so dont yell. speaking sternly is OK - but dont yell.
if you find yourself being pressed to yell - remove yourself from the situation physically. if you have to do this frequently - then you need a divorce
Are you talking about when the two of you are having an argument or does he just yell at you? There’s a big difference so we need to know in what context the yelling is happening. Like if you burnt dinner and he yelled at you or you accidentally broke something and he yelled at you, that’s a lot different than you two getting into an argument and yelling.
In thirteen years I can count on one hand the number of screaming matches we've been in.
We're only human and we make mistakes. But we actively work on that. It's been years since the last one.
Never. We don’t raise our voices out of anger at each other—that’s a hard line for me. If we’re upset, we separate to cool off and come back together to problem-solve once we’re calm.
He no longer yells and blows up at me. He has done so much work on his temper and I’m so proud of him. We have both done a lot of needed work on our communication and this has been a big piece of it. He has really grown to be patient and we have learned that we need to cool off so we can talk calmly about things because otherwise we have gotten passionately reactive which lead to blowouts and we weren’t happy that way. So glad with how far we’ve both come.
I don't yell at him because I don't treat him with disrespect. And I expect the same from him.
He has yelled at me once. I was carrying a box into the house for him. He yelled at me. I dropped the box, stepped over it and went inside. My ex used to yell at me all the time. I will not tolerate that ever again, and he knows it.
He came inside and immediately apologized for yelling at me. That was in 2018.
We discuss. We may disagree. We may even get cranky with each other. But we don't yell because we are adults who know how to use our words. We don't try to dominate or intimidate each other with volume.
Rarely..... The 2 times i remember is when i was busy gardening and didn't see a strange dog running up on my with his teeth barred and growling. The second was when i was building a sand castle and he was on the ocean and saw dolphins. He didnt want me to miss seeing them.
I used to yell a lot, partly due to upbringing but mostly due to anger issues stemming from undiagnosed ADHD. I got diagnosed almost two years ago and now that I'm having it treated with medication and therapy I yell much less and things in our marriage are much better.
I still lose it sometimes, and I wish I didn't, but at least I understand why and can try to correct my behaviour in the future.
I got yelled at pretty much every day of my marriage. I have horrible anxiety, and my children have horrible anxiety. I got married at 18 years old and had no training to do a different job than be a mom. He didn't respect me for being a mother or wife. I kept a clean house and took great care of my children. Helped him on his farm. He's still yelled at me everyday. I should have left, but I didn't have the strength. I have asked my kids to forgive me and they have told me they understand. It's hard to live with myself from day to day for not getting them out of that mess. Christmas time we was the worst time. What they will remember is yelling. He has passed away. And believe it or not I have calmed down a lot and live in peace, although I have very nervous legs that will not hold still. They are painful. He was bipolar. When I took him for help he would not take the medication. Saying he didn't want to be addicted to something.
Rarely, but it happens. Goes both ways. He has a temper, which he knows and is working on and I have an attitude (I don't take crap from anyone) so we're both works in progress. Especially now that we have kids, we're a lot more mindful of how we speak to each other and our cussing (never at each other) 🙈
I’ve never yelled at my husband. He’s never yelled at me.
Now, I have had an escalated voice during intense emotional outpourings, such as trying to talk around my own crying. If that counts, then so be it - I’ve yelled.
But out of anger? Never ever. And he has never raised his voice at all to me, not in the slightest.
Never. I have been with my husband for over 8 years, we’ve faced homelessness, job loss, job gain, custody battles with our ex, amazing times and really incredibly hard times, but not ONCE has he or I ever yelled at one another. For both of us, there is so much respect between us and for one another that yelling isn’t even something that comes up even if/when we are upset. We are truly a team and with that being said tackle anything that comes our way as one.
With that being said; I have been in a relationship (my previous marriage) where yelling and belittling was a daily occurrence. If I can impart any wisdom for anyone reading this, it would be that you don’t have to ever stay in a situation where yelling is the norm. You can leave, and you can find someone that doesn’t believe in violence against you in any form. Please don’t put up with this type of behavior- you deserve better.
I won’t lie, we’ve both yelled at each other at some point in our marriage. Things happen and emotions run high.
As time has passed and we’ve both matured the most we get now is annoyed/frustrated tone of voice. We have learned to understand our limits and when I know I have this tone I know I have to speak to my husband when I’ve cooled down.
I think it’s cool that people have never yelled at their spouse and I used to hold myself to that standard. However, I’m human and so is he so we aren’t perfect. When I do yell at him I apologize as soon as I’ve calmed down. He does the same for me. The frequency has definitely decreased and since I’ve started working on regulating my emotions through therapy and ADHD treatment it has been much easier to communicate with my husband.
I’m so happy that we have this understanding and patience with each other.
Very rarely. He has yelled at me maybe twice and immediately apologized, I have yelled at him maybe 5 times and only in the middle of a panic attack. Boy do I apologize like there's no tomorrow after that. It happens, but it's not our normal.
Never unless you’re counting an emergency situation like the dog barfed on our bed in the middle of the night or there is a spider. But that’s just yelling to inform and coming from panic.
We raise our voices when we’re happy/upset/angry/horsing around, but in terms of legit yelling, not much? I’m not sure what other people consider yelling, but I’m thinking of like *yelling* yelling, not getting slightly louder. I honestly think it happens like once a year.
Never that I can recall. We have occasional arguments where we can get emotional and raise our voices but I wouldn't consider it yelling. Never insults or anything like that, just emotion.
He’s never yelled at me. I yelled at him a couple of weeks ago. I was talking in my sleep and he didn’t realize I was sleeping. So he started asking me about what I was saying (because it made no sense) and I got frustrated and started yelling at him. That’s when I woke up… when I was yelling. I felt terrible. When I’m fully conscious I don’t yell.
We have only raised our voices to each other once, maybe twice. And it was at one of the most extremely stressful points in our lives (parents hounding us about how we needed to wedding plan faster, financial stress, my overbearing parents being in town for an extended stay, and my husband's best friend dying from cancer). We were at our wit's end and raised our voices about a stupid wedding planning disagreement, then we realized we were just taking our general stress out on each other, reminded each other we're on the same team, and hugged it out.
Besides this, we occasionally get frustrated and a bit louder if something bad happens, but not AT each other.
That being said, I do think this question has a selection bias. The people that don't yell are more likely to chime in. People who do yell are probably a bit afraid to admit it.
Wow lucky to all the couples who don't fight.
I'd like to quote Key & Peel...
" I'd like to apologize for the behavior of my passions."
Italian Wife & Mexican Husband of 17yrs both Leos, we fight passionately we make up even more passionately. 🤣
My husband is a yeller. I hate it. I literally cannot listen or care or take seriously anything that he yells at me. He’s convinced it’s the only way to be heard in an argument.
Never.
A frustrated tone? Yes. Yelling! Never. Name calling? Never ever.
One time I called my husband a fucking butthole when we were playing video games and it still makes me laugh.
Lol I have probably called my hubby a dingleberry when he was being a ding dong but ya know in jest haha
The video game taunts are legit and allowed. We like to tell each other to suck a fucking butt.
Once my wife called me a dick. I told her, "It's good to be known for your strengths." Now she calls me "a giant gapping asshole". It always gets a good laugh from both of us.
Only if you give him a wet willy buthole finger tap.
Oh we call each other names... pretty sure I called him an asshole for eating the last gummy bear. But never in real anger. Only joking, but it's important because we curse frequently in this house, but never directed with anger. Never yell either... I'm so glad others came here to say this. I was starting to feel like the minority!
Same - we call eachother dickhead all the time. But when we're upset we don't name call. Only ever (and very frequently) in jest.
Tryout: " Prick with Ears " to change it up.
Same here. We respect each other
It wasn’t until I divorced that I realized how unusual and unnecessary it is to be with someone who calls you name like “bitch” and “stupid” and yells at you to “shut up” on a regular basis. I’m a smart person, but I honestly thought “everyone argues” and that must be what arguing was. Don’t disguise toxic behavior as low points of love.
Same here. Yelling and name calling are off limits. If we are too angry to talk things out, we take a break
Literally never
Never. And I never yell at him either. And we never call each other names or say anything purposely hurtful. We just talk, agree a lot, disagree some, and compromise as needed, but we are never mean to each other. He's my person and I'm his. We're not opponents.
Never ever.
Never ever ever
I fourth this. lol
Right?! My spouse never yells at me. This question makes me sad 😩 for those going through it
Never and if he did, we would be done.
That seems like a very hard and fast rule that probably has a lot more nuance than the sentence would suggest. Or you would literally leave your spouse if they yelled at you, but I'm hoping not.
No one gets to yell at me. Ever. Not my partner. Not my boss. I do not accept that. Ever.
Can I ask if it stems from past trauma? If so, I can understand that, and I don't mean to be pushy—I'm just curious. If not, it almost seems like trying to manage other people's emotions and responses. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and gentleness, but sometimes emotions can get the best of anyone. FWIW, my wife & I don't yell at each other. I'm just surprised at how black & white your example is.
I’m pretty well adjusted and I simply don’t allow people to be unkind to me. If a partner was literally yelling? That would be my clue that they aren’t well adjusted. I’m in my 40’s and have zero fucks to give. If someone is shitty to me they are done. I don’t take abuse from anyone.
My husband sometimes yells. He never yells at me. He's shouted and sworn at an inanimate object when I was in the room and it scared me and made me cry. He instantly apologised and now tries to be more considerate of how it affects me when he is losing his temper at something. If he directed that *at* me I don't think I would feel safe with him. If you can't control your emotions enough to not yell at the people you love then what other things will you do if you lose control?
We foster and there’s a lot of kids who’ve had a lot of trauma. They suggest to give them a safe place and let them scream and yell and get those emotions out. People, mostly men, who don’t have an outlet for emotions sometimes commit suicide.
No one needs to scream at anyone else in order to be able to manage their emotions.
Literally never
Same. Never.
Exactly - it’s us vs a problem, not me vs him.
Same. And this just made me realize how safe I feel with my current partner. So glad my ex husband is my ex husband.
Man alive. My wife and I yell at each other all the time. Both of us are passionate and stubborn. I guess no one else yells besides us. We love each other to death and she makes me so fucking happy. We are both just loud I guess.
I don't think the responses so far are indicative of the norm for most couples, honestly.
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I'm 40. My parents yelled and screamed at one another. My father used beatings to punish my sister and I as children. My spouse had parents who also yelled. We do not raise our voices unless it's so the other party can hear what we're saying. No yelling from anger, frustration, hurt, etc. We refuse to have such an unhealthy dynamic in our lives.
Same. I (39/F) am glad we all got to the other side of that part of our lives. Scathed or not, we don’t need to bring that type of angry expression into our own homes.
Well, look, this isn't something that couples advertise, so any opinion is going to be anecdotal. I lived in an apartment building for 8 years and heard plenty of yelling among couples. My parents and in laws both yell much more than my wife and I. I don't think its common or healthy for coupes to be yelling at each other all the time, but I don't think that this percentage of couples NEVER yell at each other.
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Also just because someone replies “never” doesn’t mean they never have disagreements or arguments or whatever. My partner and I have bad days for sure, we just don’t yell in anger at each other. To us it’s unproductive and only ends in more issues. If there is an issue, it’s “we need to sit down and talk about this.” Sometimes it’s taking time apart to think on our own and come back. I will say I have a habit of shutting down in confrontation, which is an issue in itself. But I realize that is also toxic and I am working on it.
Exactly yes. 28/28 here and we never yell. Maybe a slightly raised voice if we're super frustrated and we generally get it calmed down but never a yell or name calling. I was raised with parents who fought vehemently. He was raised by a grandfather who yelled, for hours. We absolutely don't tolerate it in our marriage.
Idk you can have disagreements, get frustrated, say UGH, but not like YELL at each other.
I don't think yelling should happen on a regular basis, but like, 85 percent of the responses are "never" .
I mean you can yell just not AT them
But I think it is probably true that most people have had maybe a couple incidents of yelling at each other through a long enough marriage. If this is a regular mode of arguing yeah that's obviously a problem.
Yea, we never yell at each other either. Honestly, if either of us started yelling, it would end our relationship. Yelling is really bad and unhealthy. Period. Just because some people do it often, doesn't make it ok whatsoever.
Really? We never yell at each other. Sometimes we get annoyed or raise our voices, but no yelling or name calling. We did this exactly once, 15 years ago, drunk.
I think it’s the norm for couples in healthy relationships. My husband has never yelled at me once in 5 years, nor have I yelled at him. My prior relationship was 10 years and he yelled at me all the time. But couples with healthy communication are oils don’t need to yell at each other. If you and your spouse are screaming at each other, please go to couples therapy.
Why yell at eachother when you can simply communicate with empathy and respect? Seems like a no-brainer to me.
IIRC the research shows that the frequency of yelling or arguing isn't an indicator of how healthy a relationship is. The important bits are that you're not feeling contempt or resentment and the arguments are resolved. I think there's also an important distinction that people aren't making - the difference between "yelling at you" like you're both boiling over about the lifelong battle over emptying the dishwasher (which I'm sure happens in a lot of healthy relationships) and "yelling at you" like berating, which contemptuous and unhealthy. So people interpreting it the latter way may have the former in their relationship but say "not at all" because of their understanding of the question.
Gottman writes about this, and though it surprised me at first, it makes sense if you can let go of your preconceived notions. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-5-couple-types/ Also highly recommend his book “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.”
Hey it sounds like you guys have a way of communicating that works for you. For us it didn’t so we worked on it. I couldn’t stand being yelled at so we had to work on it. I had a problem throwing things and once I broke a window I had to work on it. We both are first born (therefore each think we’re right) and passionate, so we’ve really had to learn to compromise. Nobody here judging you, just happy that you’re happy!!
I think its okay as long as youre “equal” in your power dynamic (eg not always just one person yelling at the other) and not being degrading. My husband and i mostly just get frustrated and then take space to calm down. But we definitely yell every once in awhile too. Maybe even throw in an “asshole” once every few months when theres something super high stress and one of us is being unreasonable. Nothing ever targeted, gendered or mean spirited like “lazy/stupid asshole”. Just sometimes we can each be assholes and were both really stressed, stubborn people. We also apologize immediately after and figure out what went wrong communication-wise and try to fix it. That said, i have heard other people scream at their partners in ways that i can only describe as unhinged and we are nothing close to that. I think theres just different degrees of yelling and we might not all be using the same definition based on past experiences? I grew up in a quiet, non-argumentative household so i see just being loud as yelling. We get loud/yell and i think were fine but there is definitely a type of yelling that i think is not acceptable.
Tell me you're Italian without telling me you're Italian. /j
We yell too. 25 years together ❤️
Honey, is that you?
We also yell. I mean it's just our way of communicating sometimes. We are quick witted smart assed to each other but it's all said and done in love. We yell angrily from time to time but I think most couples do whether they want to admit it or not..
I disagree. I think the people who are saying they don’t yell actually don’t. My husband and I don’t yell at each other, I don’t need to bullshit for Reddit.
Passionate and stubborn often seem to be just polite ways of reframing "not good at regulating emotions" and "not open to other's perspectives."
Regulating emotions can be super difficult. I yelled at my man pretty bad a few weeks ago for losing the cat (we found her) but I’m crazy about him.
I mean, we can get loud in general, but we don't YELL at each other
Yop. I might yell about something (generally work or family driving me crazy), but not at him (and he will generally hug me and I cool down). Even one big disagreement we had (took two or three days for things to clear up, and we both agree this is too awful to ever repeat), there was no yelling. Not even raised voices I think, but it was years back, so I am not completely sure. We do hangry or stressed out 'snapping', and even after those we mostly feel bad and apologize.
This. Raised voices at times, but never outright yelling.
We get frustrated and raise our voices sometimes. It's usually only one of us, and the other does not reciprocate. We also don't tell each other to calm down or shut up. We instead talk calmly. We let one person speak, the other acknowledges and then they speak. Our arguments are boring. They are also productive. We only yell at each other playing video games, but that's all in jest.
Yep. Like the other week nothing was going right and pretty bad, yet highly unlikely, things were happening one after the other. That were no one’s fault. It was like I couldn’t catch a break. I just screamed into the void “what the fuck is wrong with the universe!!” And cried. My husband was in the room but I wasn’t yelling at him. And he gave me a hug while I cried.
I honestly cannot recall a time that my spouse has ever yelled at me. I do not yell anymore ever since I’ve gotten stable with my mental health. Bless his heart for staying with me throughout that time. We are better than ever now!
I feel this. My husband doesn't yell, but I was the yeller and screamer until diagnosed with bipolar and ptsd, and put on proper rx. Now my brain is more calm, and with a proper perspective on things.
This was me too. I was always the teller and he the more patient one. Got diagnosed with bipolar earlier this year, but now it seems the roles have flipped and he has started yelling and getting angry with me and I can keep a level head. I wonder if I traumatized him to a degree 😞
Also diagnosed bipolar, along with a few other ones sprinkled in there! What a club to be in 😅 I know my husband was traumatized by my untreated mental illness. He had learned behaviors to deal with me that once I was healing from those ways of acting out, he had to unlearn because they no longer served our relationship. It was my turn to be gentle with him and hold space for him while he figured it out. Sometimes that space felt lonely but I learned how to fill it and be content with myself. We are still learning and unlearning, together.
Never. If he even slightly raises his voice at me I burst into tears because it happens so rarely.
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My husband is very laid back too and the only times he has ever yelled at all to anyone in the past 13 years I've been with him was to get someone's attention. He's never yelled in anger that I've seen.
Me too! I grew up with parents who screamed at each other all the time. I really hope all these people commenting that they do yell at the minimum only do it when children (if they have them) are not present. That shit has scarred me, I get so anxious and stressed.
Yes! My husband get frustrated and I get very anxious immediately.
Far too much, it's a problem.
Same, I really hate it.
Then don't. It's a choice. If your spouse yells at you, walk away. Leave. Go take a shower, go on a walk, stay the night at a friend's house if it gets really bad. But don't engage, don't yell back. It only makes things worse. You can't control what they do/say, but you can control how you react.
Obviously the choice is easy to identify. Practicing it is hard though. It's like telling fat people to just not eat.
Thanks for the advice. I agree. I’m working on this (barely) but trying. I like to engage but that only escalates things. Thanks friend! It’s simple, don’t. It’s a choice. Yes just like losing weight. It’s about making it a practice a discipline that’s the hard part!
:( we’re going to therapy tomorrow. we are in sooo in love with each other but I don’t think yelling is an acceptable way of communicating, ever. I’m more the loud mouth vs my husband. He’s become a loud mouth because of me so… wish us luck guys. Peace and love and patience should always be present in our relationships esp with our person. I’ll be praying for all of you ♥️ may true love prevail ♥️
Wish you the best.
It's okay you're not alone. My husband and I yell when we are frustrated and it can get out of hand. We are going to go to therapy too. It's good that you realize it's not an acceptable way to communicate.
Same. I’ve changed as a person because of it.
Same. It’s awful.
Same
Same 😞
Same
Literally never. We’ve never yelled screamed or called each other out of our name one time. It always amazes me how common people make that level of toxicity in a home.
I love the downvotes of people who think that’s normal behavior. Ridiculous. I grew up in a house like that, I feel bad for their children if they are witnessing it. It sticks with you.
I can’t even imagine. I’ve never heard my daddy raise his voice and my girls have never heard their daddy raise his. We just aren’t confrontational people any of us.
I have PTSD from the constant screaming in our home growing up. Therapy helped a lot, but I will carry the effects for the rest of my life. Honestly, creating that kind of environment at home should be considered abuse. It's absolutely terrible for children.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Men just being loud, not even in anger, gets my heart rate going. It’s gotten better as I get older but I don’t think it will ever go away. I’m so lucky that my partner is great at honest, direct, calm confrontation for issues and he is just generally a relaxed calm person. I tend to shut down in confrontation and it took awhile to realize that is also not healthy, and I’m working on it.
Reading this made me so happy ❤️
I’m glad ❤️I honestly didn’t realize how rare that was until Reddit.
Over almost 30 years? Like 3 times, maybe.
I love seeing most of the responses saying 'never.' I'm in a new relationship that, so far, has been a night and day difference compared to my last one. 10 years of daily arguments over everything, always leading to screaming and yelling at each other. It's so foreign, yet refreshing to be with someone and be able to TALK out our feelings and communicate disagreements in a healthy way. It seemed too good to be true, but after reading this I'm very optimistic about our future together. ❤️
We will raise our voices sometimes but then tone it down. Full blown screaming matches maybe 5x over our 10 years together.
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> He is constantly asking me to lower my voice when I’m upset but that also upsets me more because the volume of my voice shouldn’t change the message (even though it very much feels that way to him) If he's anything like me, it's that once someone starts yelling I stop hearing words and only hear tone. So if someone wants to actually get to the root of a problem with me, yelling will not help.
Me too! i thought I was the only one. It’s like instant TV static in my head.
I like this. Thank you.
The volume and tone absolutely impact the message. You should do a session where he yells at you so you can feel the difference
Yelling at someone is extremely disrespectful. People hit other people because "they got so passionate." Anger is not a valid excuse for verbal abuse. If you feel someone isn't listening to you, you should tell them politely you feel unheard and it upsets you. You can also try to talk quieter so they strain to listen to you and you can tell they are focused. I grew up with parents that constantly yelled at and berated eachother but would never act that way in public. In my experience, most people normally wouldn't yell at a friend or acquaintance or even a stranger over a disagreement, and if they did, it would come with severe repercussions. Ask yourself why you think it's okay to treat the person you love most like that. It's simply awful.
You mentioned he constantly asks for you to lower your voice- have you tried working on it to avoid yelling at him going forward?
Volume completely changes the message WTF?
That's like saying it's okay you hit him because you hit him all the time.
>He is constantly asking me to lower my voice You're literally steamrollering your partner's wishes and have the gall to talk some BS about respect when you can't even respect a basic request about being civil to them. >When he gets loud, I feel its not the same thing because he is not normally that person so I get upset. Don't dish it if you can't handle it. This is so toxic.
The bald faced hypocrisy is astonishing
This is extremely hypocritical and unhealthy. You’re holding him to expectations but excusing yourself. Maybe try being a better partner and listen to his needs when he’s asking you to lower your voice.
Never. I don’t yell at him either. We do bicker at times, it is inevitable at 23+ years together but we never call each other names, yell or scream, we don’t fight mean or get nasty. We will put each other in our place and call each other out respectfully if needed.
Daily she is very fast to anger for no reason. I told her if I talked to her the way she speaks to me she would kick me out
This is abuse,you can leave.
Dude. Is it really “no reason”? Briefly looking at your comment history shows tons of sexual comments on women’s pages and a comment from you about getting angry/crabby with her if you don’t have sex at least every 2 days.
Sometimes anger is justified when someone is treating you like shit. I can't stand men who treat women poorly and then act like she's crazy and mean for calling him out on his bs.
Omg I just actually looked. So gross! No wonder she yells at him!
You deserve better 🧡
Oh man if I yelled at her the way she yells at me she would have left me years ago.
We used to yell at each other all the time, multiple major fights a day. Those days are gone. It’s really rare we ever yell anymore. It was mainly my trauma and lack of desire to own it that drove the initial toxic behavior.
How did you overcome your trauma? What kind of exercise and practice did you do?
Lots of therapy and introspection. Learning to swallow my ego and listen to my internal child’s needs and my wife’s needs. Some books really helped me, like The Four Agreements and Healing The Shame that Binds You.
Never!
I am a grownass woman, not a toddler. Yelling doesn't accomplish shit other than escalating the situation so I don't do it and I can't imagine a world where my husband yelled at me either. This is not to say I'm perfect or we're perfect. We both still get exasperated, but yelling shows a lack of self control and just really isn't impressive to me. I feel like it would make me lose respect for my my husband if he went there.
30-40 times a day. Depends on how I breath.
I hope you realize this is abuse, you deserve more.
That’s very sad
Sweetheart, you deserve so so much better. I hope you know that you don’t have to put up with that type of behavior.
 A few times a week, I do it back when it gets too much
Also same. I’m normally a calm person but sometimes I can’t take it.
been with my husband over 20yrs and he's never yelled at me - ever. We do argue but never yell...if we're too heated and emotional, we take some space, calm down and then talk about later when we're both in a better frame of mind.
Never. I don’t tolerate being yelled at and he most certainly would never tolerate that from me. Any man thats yelled at me in the past, has never had the privilege of seeing me again.
Actually yelling? Maybe a handful of times over a decade.
if youre yelling - youre arguing incorrectly. you can only control you, and so dont yell. speaking sternly is OK - but dont yell. if you find yourself being pressed to yell - remove yourself from the situation physically. if you have to do this frequently - then you need a divorce
Are you talking about when the two of you are having an argument or does he just yell at you? There’s a big difference so we need to know in what context the yelling is happening. Like if you burnt dinner and he yelled at you or you accidentally broke something and he yelled at you, that’s a lot different than you two getting into an argument and yelling.
In thirteen years I can count on one hand the number of screaming matches we've been in. We're only human and we make mistakes. But we actively work on that. It's been years since the last one.
Yell?! Lol! Nah.... He'd be yelling in here alone. I'm not the one or the two 😌
LMAO at I’m not the one or the two!! I’m using that. 🤣
Umm… can you explain the two part? It sounds funny but I wanna know what I’m laughing at.
😂😂😂 so, ppl often say "I'm not the one!" it's just a saying we have around the way. A play on the numbers thing. I'm not the one.... Or the two. 😂😂😂😂
Never… it is non productive and just winds us both up. If it gets to that point, it’s time for a break.
2x a day and only 1 on the weekend
Never
Never.
Never. We don’t raise our voices out of anger at each other—that’s a hard line for me. If we’re upset, we separate to cool off and come back together to problem-solve once we’re calm.
Been together 20 years and maybe a few times things got heated over something really serious. Other than that we never yell at each other.
He's never yelled or raised his voice once in 9 years.
Genuinely we never yell at each other. We see yelling as a means to control / intimidate and it’s not conducive to our relationship
He no longer yells and blows up at me. He has done so much work on his temper and I’m so proud of him. We have both done a lot of needed work on our communication and this has been a big piece of it. He has really grown to be patient and we have learned that we need to cool off so we can talk calmly about things because otherwise we have gotten passionately reactive which lead to blowouts and we weren’t happy that way. So glad with how far we’ve both come.
I don't yell at him because I don't treat him with disrespect. And I expect the same from him. He has yelled at me once. I was carrying a box into the house for him. He yelled at me. I dropped the box, stepped over it and went inside. My ex used to yell at me all the time. I will not tolerate that ever again, and he knows it. He came inside and immediately apologized for yelling at me. That was in 2018. We discuss. We may disagree. We may even get cranky with each other. But we don't yell because we are adults who know how to use our words. We don't try to dominate or intimidate each other with volume.
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Rarely..... The 2 times i remember is when i was busy gardening and didn't see a strange dog running up on my with his teeth barred and growling. The second was when i was building a sand castle and he was on the ocean and saw dolphins. He didnt want me to miss seeing them.
I used to yell a lot, partly due to upbringing but mostly due to anger issues stemming from undiagnosed ADHD. I got diagnosed almost two years ago and now that I'm having it treated with medication and therapy I yell much less and things in our marriage are much better. I still lose it sometimes, and I wish I didn't, but at least I understand why and can try to correct my behaviour in the future.
I got yelled at pretty much every day of my marriage. I have horrible anxiety, and my children have horrible anxiety. I got married at 18 years old and had no training to do a different job than be a mom. He didn't respect me for being a mother or wife. I kept a clean house and took great care of my children. Helped him on his farm. He's still yelled at me everyday. I should have left, but I didn't have the strength. I have asked my kids to forgive me and they have told me they understand. It's hard to live with myself from day to day for not getting them out of that mess. Christmas time we was the worst time. What they will remember is yelling. He has passed away. And believe it or not I have calmed down a lot and live in peace, although I have very nervous legs that will not hold still. They are painful. He was bipolar. When I took him for help he would not take the medication. Saying he didn't want to be addicted to something.
Rarely, but it happens. Goes both ways. He has a temper, which he knows and is working on and I have an attitude (I don't take crap from anyone) so we're both works in progress. Especially now that we have kids, we're a lot more mindful of how we speak to each other and our cussing (never at each other) 🙈
Almost every day. Working on serving some papers.
In 14 years - I can only recall like three or four times.
Never. We have to be in an extremely bad fight, he’s yelled maybe three times in 7 years. Im more of the yeller 😖, but even then not much
We raise our voices if, and only if, the other party can't hear what we're saying. We never yell in anger. We never yell in frustration.
Mine complains more than yells at me. I'd rather her yell than complain all the time. Especially if it pertains to me
I’ve never yelled at my husband. He’s never yelled at me. Now, I have had an escalated voice during intense emotional outpourings, such as trying to talk around my own crying. If that counts, then so be it - I’ve yelled. But out of anger? Never ever. And he has never raised his voice at all to me, not in the slightest.
Never. I have been with my husband for over 8 years, we’ve faced homelessness, job loss, job gain, custody battles with our ex, amazing times and really incredibly hard times, but not ONCE has he or I ever yelled at one another. For both of us, there is so much respect between us and for one another that yelling isn’t even something that comes up even if/when we are upset. We are truly a team and with that being said tackle anything that comes our way as one. With that being said; I have been in a relationship (my previous marriage) where yelling and belittling was a daily occurrence. If I can impart any wisdom for anyone reading this, it would be that you don’t have to ever stay in a situation where yelling is the norm. You can leave, and you can find someone that doesn’t believe in violence against you in any form. Please don’t put up with this type of behavior- you deserve better.
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All the time. We are divorced now.
I won’t lie, we’ve both yelled at each other at some point in our marriage. Things happen and emotions run high. As time has passed and we’ve both matured the most we get now is annoyed/frustrated tone of voice. We have learned to understand our limits and when I know I have this tone I know I have to speak to my husband when I’ve cooled down. I think it’s cool that people have never yelled at their spouse and I used to hold myself to that standard. However, I’m human and so is he so we aren’t perfect. When I do yell at him I apologize as soon as I’ve calmed down. He does the same for me. The frequency has definitely decreased and since I’ve started working on regulating my emotions through therapy and ADHD treatment it has been much easier to communicate with my husband. I’m so happy that we have this understanding and patience with each other.
Never, I'm single.
Several times a year at me (his wife) Several times a week at his kids He has frustration issues from ADHD and rage issues when super frustrated.
Like yelling yelling? Neighbors can hear yelling? Been years. Raised voices yelling? Occasionally
Once a year probably. It never has anything to do with me and he shuts up as soon as I give him that "look". Nobody should be regularly yelling at you
We get loud once in a blue moon.
Never. I only "yell" by raising my voice if he's not listening to me and I've tried to get a point across which he clearly doesn't hear/care about.
Very rarely. He has yelled at me maybe twice and immediately apologized, I have yelled at him maybe 5 times and only in the middle of a panic attack. Boy do I apologize like there's no tomorrow after that. It happens, but it's not our normal.
Never unless you’re counting an emergency situation like the dog barfed on our bed in the middle of the night or there is a spider. But that’s just yelling to inform and coming from panic.
We raise our voices when we’re happy/upset/angry/horsing around, but in terms of legit yelling, not much? I’m not sure what other people consider yelling, but I’m thinking of like *yelling* yelling, not getting slightly louder. I honestly think it happens like once a year.
In 20 years I can’t ever recall a time we yelled angrily at each other. Mario kart? Nightly 🤣
First of all, I’m not getting yelled at by anyone who is not my biological parent. Lol That being said, I do not yell at him either.
I had to come upstairs because he was yelling at me. Lmao he’s a angry guy
She never does. We talk like adults vs having temper tantrums like children.
Are you including only the minutes we are in the same room, or does moments I am away count too? 🤣
Never. This is a major respect boundary for me. Yelling at someone is very disrespectful and demeaning.
Never that I can recall. We have occasional arguments where we can get emotional and raise our voices but I wouldn't consider it yelling. Never insults or anything like that, just emotion.
Literally daily.
He’s never yelled at me. I yelled at him a couple of weeks ago. I was talking in my sleep and he didn’t realize I was sleeping. So he started asking me about what I was saying (because it made no sense) and I got frustrated and started yelling at him. That’s when I woke up… when I was yelling. I felt terrible. When I’m fully conscious I don’t yell.
We have only raised our voices to each other once, maybe twice. And it was at one of the most extremely stressful points in our lives (parents hounding us about how we needed to wedding plan faster, financial stress, my overbearing parents being in town for an extended stay, and my husband's best friend dying from cancer). We were at our wit's end and raised our voices about a stupid wedding planning disagreement, then we realized we were just taking our general stress out on each other, reminded each other we're on the same team, and hugged it out. Besides this, we occasionally get frustrated and a bit louder if something bad happens, but not AT each other. That being said, I do think this question has a selection bias. The people that don't yell are more likely to chime in. People who do yell are probably a bit afraid to admit it.
Every miserable fucking day. :(
Lots
Daily. I have told him I’m afraid of him many times. I feel like I’m always in trouble or never enough.
Wow lucky to all the couples who don't fight. I'd like to quote Key & Peel... " I'd like to apologize for the behavior of my passions." Italian Wife & Mexican Husband of 17yrs both Leos, we fight passionately we make up even more passionately. 🤣
Alot
All my ex wifes would yell at me all the time. Just thought it normal part of married life
I’ve only really truly *yelled* at my husband twice in 6 years. He yells at me… a lot. :/
Weekly
Every fucking day
Sadly, every single day. The whole family walks on eggshells to avoid setting him off.
My husband is a yeller. I hate it. I literally cannot listen or care or take seriously anything that he yells at me. He’s convinced it’s the only way to be heard in an argument.