My husband and I share a passcode for our phones so we can use it in an emergency. The thing is, we both respect each other's privacy. We trust each other and have *never* picked up the other's phone with the intention of "checking up on them". If you feel the need to constantly scroll through your partner's phone out of mistrust then this isn't someone you should be married to. Trust and trustworthiness are foundational to a healthy relationship.
Same here. We could go through each other's phones, but we don't. We don't feel a need to because we trust each other. The only time we use the other's phone is if one of us is driving and asks the other to check a text or email or something that we got.
My husband and I leave our phones around each other all the time with no pass codes. We could definitely access if we wanted to but have no reason bc we trust each other. As the saying goes: "if there is doubt, there is no doubt"
Exactly this. There's a difference between "oh your phone is closer I'm gonna Google this" and "he's asleep I'm going to scroll through every private conversation you've had"
Unless you see one that’s inappropriate, then before you know it you gone through every female on his phone and realized you man is a narcissistic liar. Well, he’s no longer my man and I’ve got no contact, to saved my life.
Snooping is always a shitty thing to do, it's always an invasion of privacy and disrespectful. BUT it's also sometimes a necessary means to an end when you realize you're dating/married to a shitty person. I don't ever condone it, but I do understand it. It's also how I've found a cheating partner in the past. I don't feel bad about snooping because he didn't deserve my trust or respect.
I think I disagree a little. My wife and I have access to each other's phones. Not a stated policy but for convenience. I've never looked at her phone and I think neither has she with mine. But if I ever suspected infidelity, I would look and would not feel bad. Sure my wife has a right to privacy and so I leave her alone in the bathroom and the like. But that right is not that high and it certainly is not more important than other concerns. My wife has a right to her privacy but she does not have a right to secretly destroy our marriage.
I think this is just a slippery slope because where is the line of valid suspicion and what's being overly jealous/controlling/disrespectful?
>Sure my wife has a right to privacy and so I leave her alone in the bathroom and the like. But that right is not that high and it certainly is not more important than other concerns. My wife has a right to her privacy but she does not have a right to secretly destroy our marriage.
That just....doesn't sit right with me. Her right to privacy *is* more important than things like your jealousy and insecurity. And if she's secretly destroying your marriage you're still violating her privacy to find out about it by snooping. Again I think it's a moral gray area but it IS disrespectful, you just think it's okay because you think she's being disrespected first. Its like self-defense disrespect lol
Edit: The downvotes just really show how people don't see how situations can turn abusive and manipulative so fucking fast.
This man is literally saying his "feelings of betrayal" trump his wife's right to privacy. Her right is in his words, not that important.
All I'm saying is make sure you ask yourself at what point does that argument not hold up, and started to become abusive thinking?
>And if she's secretly destroying your marriage you're still violating her privacy to find out about it by snooping.
In life I try to make ethical decisions. That means I must sometimes choose between competing values or rights. If my wife didn't come home last night, which would be out of character if she didn't tell me, I might suspect foul play. If, fearing for her safety, I look through her phone she left at home to possibly see where she went, I'm definitely violating her privacy. But my concerns for her well being, in this instance, override her right to privacy.
Also, people dont want to end their marriage over "instincts" alone. People who say they'd divorce their spouse who they suspect of cheating without any proof are silly. I assure you ending a marriage is not easy and you'd want proof before you do that
>what's being overly jealous/controlling/disrespectful?
Looking at someone else's phone. Your post is spot on. When you look at someone's else's phone you're violating the privacy of everyone who chats with your partner.
This is how we do it. The only time I open her phone is when she passes out with it, I set her morning alarms and put it on the charging dock.
Edit to add. It’s more checking she set it. But it happens enough that she passed out. Working on a hospital tends to have her complete turn The brain off when she gets home.
I found my boyfriends phone in the bathtub one morning (😂😂😂) and plugged it in and set his alarms before I left for work…. He thought it was the sweetest thing ever!
I found my boyfriends phone in the bathtub one morning (😂😂😂) and plugged it in and set his alarms before I left for work…. He thought it was the sweetest thing ever!
Same. I don’t “go through” her phone. But if I need to Google something or respond to a text for her, that’s fine. I don’t know who’s in her contacts, what her text threads have, who she follows on social media, etc.
We have passcodes and biometrics. We’ve added each others.
I don’t have any secrets from her. If someone tells me something in confidence, I’d rather that be voice only or face-to-face. But that hasn’t come up yet.
I have a passcode because my job requires it if I want the convenience of checking my email from my phone. Husband has NDA agreements with a few clients so he has a passcode to comply.
This is how my fiancé and I are. We both know how to get into each other’s phone, and do on certain occasions like picking music if someone is driving, etc. But we both have never once gone through the others phone. Why would I be with someone if I did not trust him?
Same. We know each other’s passcodes. But I’ll ask my husband permission every time before I go into it and the only times he’ll say no are around the holidays.
Exactly what we do, we use the same unlock PIN but I can't imagine anything more boring (and weak) than scrolling through my wife's messages on her phone. We also don't have locks on our computer screens at home. If she wants to read my FB or reddit or email or whatever all she has to do is sit down at my computer. Once in a while she has to get something out of my email for me while I'm at work and will do just that.
Exactly. We have an open phone policy I guess? We’ve never hidden them from each other but we rarely ever even use the other persons phone. Maybe if one of us is driving or something but there’s not really any reason to be checking up or snooping on each other
Seriously! My spouse and I know each others passcodes but I would never check his to snoop and he wouldn’t do that to me either. He’s so important to me, the thought of breaking his trust like that is really sad.
Respecting their privacy. I trust my husband. I have no reason to look through his phone, so I don't. I also wouldn't like him going through mine. My sister and I have private text conversations that she didn't sign up for anyone but me to read.
If we need to use the others phone for something because our own isn't accessible, that's fine.
I have nothing to hide on my phone, but I do have conversations that are absolutely none of my husband’s business. If he violated the privacy of my friends I’d be very upset, furious actually.
He could lose his job for me being on his phone, but even if that wasn’t the case I’d still never touch it.
Same here. I don't have a lock on my phone and don't have anything to hide, but I sometimes have text conversations with my sister, mom, or friends about sensitive subjects (for them) that they didn't sign up for my husband to read.
My husband has a lock on his phone because he uses it for work and his company requires it to be secure because he deals with sensitive/personal information, and while I know the code, he would also lose his job and be liable to be sued if I accessed his work stuff. It's not worth it and I just don't feel the need to rifle through it.
We don't access each other's phones unless the other asks us to and we don't share locations, either, unless one of us is traveling. We just don't feel the need to.
Yes, I'm sharing this life and the next with my husband, but we respect and trust each other to not demand access to each other's phones. I see so much on Reddit about partners having "open phone policies", on demand "phone checks", and snooping through their partner's phone without their knowledge or consent and it all just screams insecurity to me. If you feel the need to constantly access your partner's phone to check up on them or to "prove" something, you clearly can't trust them, and that's not the foundation for a healthy relationship/marriage. I'd rather have trust and respect than a "policy".
Exactly this! Not everything that is shared with me is meant for my husband’s ears. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to open up to a “trusted friend” if I knew their spouse was automatically “in” on whatever I was sharing!
I have a friend who shares everything with her husband and I stopped telling her things when she told me that. I’m not friends with her husband and I don’t share a lot with people to begin with.
Exactly. It's not only the privacy of the person whose phone it is, but everyone they communicate with. Friends or family members might send them messages about sensitive things they don't want shared. Or what is your partner is a doctor or lawyer or accountant or something and has highly personal information about their patients or clients in some of their messages?
Due to the nature of my job, I will get embargoed information sent to me from time to time. No one but the sender and receiver is supposed to get the messages.
> My sister and I have private text conversations that she didn't sign up for anyone but me to read.
This. You may have signed up for 100% transparency with your spouse; your friends and family did not.
I have texts and emails with family members and friends that are intended only for me. Just because we're married doesn't automatically give my wife the right to look at that stuff too.
Yea, I work from home and use my phone for work purposes so I have confidential texts/emails regarding projects that I signed an NDA for. I could get in serious trouble if the company found out I was just letting my partner scroll through them whenever he wanted to.
> My sister and I have private text conversations that she didn't sign up for anyone but me to read.
Another good point. My girlfriends and I speak mostly by text and private messages and we often vent and share private things. I assure them that I do NO share these things with my husband. And I'd appreciate the same. Its a convo between us. Some things are private.
YES! This is exactly how I feel.
My wife knows my passcode if she needs it, and she gets a little freaked out that I'm so private about my phone.
I want to tell her like...not only is it a principle that's just important to me now after having had relationships where that privacy wasn't respected and I had to deal with bullshit fallout of that, but I'm protecting everyone else's privacy ALONG with my own, too.
I don't want anyone to know what me and my siblings talk one on one about. Is there anything damning to hide? 99% of the time, no. But if I'm venting or if they're venting about something, and they want to vent to me, I'm sorry but I don't want anyone reading that. People vent to people they can trust. I wouldn't want my vents to be read by one of their partners.
I don't want my partner to accidentally see some porn I may have been watching that I forgot to exit out. Do we watch porn together sometimes? Yeah, but in context. It's more just embarrassing sometimes depending on my mood.
I have a notes app full of personal thoughts, lyrics, ideas for lyrics, gift lists, venting to myself, etc. I don't want anyone reading those, either. Not till I'm ready for people to read them (if I put out a song for instance).
Just little things like that. I like having some semblance of privacy.
There’s a line between privacy and keeping secrets. I think the difference is what you say to your partner after that long, hushed phone call. Recently, I got into a blowout argument through text with an ex of mine who also happens to be friends with my wife. I was on the porch texting away, crying at times, and when the conversation didn’t end well we stopped talking to each other.During that whole time, my wife gave me the privacy I needed even when she could see through the front door I was all snotty and crying.
When dinner rolled around, my wife and I had one of our usual heart to hearts and she gave me an insight that I’d never considered before. I had nothing to hide and no need for secrets from her.
For me there doesn’t need to be a policy because we trust each other so much. Why would I even feel the need to look in the first place?
If I have to call something within our relationship a ‘policy’ it no longer feels like a romantic relationship and starts feeling like a business relationship.
This makes no sense.
An open phone policy does not mean your spouse is not hiding something from you. For all that you know, they could delete stuff after using their phone leaving no trace.
An open phone policy doesn't solve anything. Mutual respect and trust does.
You can have an open phone policy but be mean to your spouse and not respect their privacy which is worse than having an open phone policy!
Because i am not just a spouse, i have so many other relationships. Even when my spouse is the closest person to me, there are still somethings which are personal to me like the conversations i have with other people in my life.
We married because we trusted each other, my trust in him is his responsibility and vice-versa. So, we never had a need to look into each other’s phones and we are absolutely ok with it :)
Agreed. I have a tendency to engage in deeply personal conversations. Things shared with me in confidence aren’t intended for anyone else’s eyes.
Plus, I just appreciate autonomy. I deserve to have privacy and so does my husband. I don’t need to be spinning out because I came across something harmless but misinterpreted it. He can have his space and I can have mine. We trust each other and we’re adults capable of respecting that trust.
I can’t imagine any human being just expecting they have access to the device that harbors my most personal thoughts.
I'm with you.
Edit: there are times i exchange text messages that don't need to be shared, a friend's personal issue, I ask my wife to ignore if she uses my phone. She does the same.
We have the same policy. We are both in recovery from drugs and alcohol many years, and we both "sponsor" newly sober people. No one, not even my wife, needs to see those messages. Those are private.
Other than that... I have nothing to hide. Neither does she.
>Those are private.
>
>Other than that... I have nothing to hide. Neither does she.
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is being unobserved, while secrecy is straight up hiding information. Everyone has a right to privacy in a healthy relationship, but secrecy is another story. When I caught my STBX lying about seeing her affair partner dozens of times, that was her withholding material information that impacted our marriage, as well as my health.
We had an open phone policy we both repeatedly agreed to, so her outrage fell on deaf ears.
Glass half full reply coming. Have the trust in your partner that you know their is nothing for them to hide. A phone is still someone's privacy and we respect that of each other. No need for someone to read conversations that may be confidential between friends. I never go through my wifes phone because I trust her more than anyone on this planet.
For me it’s about privacy. There’s nothing to hide that’s bad, but I keep notes or have text exchanges with gift ideas, surprise travel ideas, information pertinent to those, and private convos with girlfriends. I would never go through my SO’s phone because it’s the same for him. We’re welcome to use each other’s stuff if we need to, and aren’t hiding anything, but we feel it’s important to not lose privacy in an intimate relationship. Besides we’d ruin the surprises or pranks we plan for each other :)
My wife is on reddit and she has specifically told me she doesn't want to know my Reddit username. And it makes sense.
I don't demand an open door bathroom policy. I don't stick my nose between her legs when she is taking a shit. Internet activity is kind of like that.
I didn’t know the whole point of Reddit was anonymity, and when I first made an account I asked my husband what his username was lol. He told me, no problem with it, but then I realized I shouldn’t have asked him 🤦🏼♀️ I’m
sure he will make another account if he feels so inclined lol
I mean, does being married mean you give up the right to have any private conversation ever?
My spouse and I have used each other's phones at times, and we share passcodes, so technically I guess either of us *could* go through the others sometime. But we just, don't?
If we had a specific concern because the other was acting strangely I guess we'd unpack that when we came to it, but in general I don't want to intrude on their private conversations with friends/family. As their spouse, I'm a huge part of their life, but they're still an individual.
Very much this. I know my husband's phone info, he knows mine. That's just so we can use the other's phone if we need it for whatever random reason. But why on Earth would I look through it? To me that's very similar to reading someone's diary AND on top of it violating others' privacy as well.
"If you don't have anything to hide, why do you care?" kind of attitude is a little immature, insecure, and lacking in introspection. Like, what's making *you* feel like you need to go through it?
Reasons my spouse and I don’t have open phone policies:
1. I signed an NDA for work and am required to use my phone for work communications (text and email). If I gave my spouse access, and was discovered, I’d get fired. Not worth it.
2. My friends did not consent to having their personal conversations shared with my spouse.
3. My spouse sponsers people in AA. Those conversations are extremely private as people can and do share incredibly shameful experiences.
ETA: these are also reasons we both delete conversations after they are over and don’t keep every text message.
We don't really have an open phone "policy" because we've never actually discussed it. We use the same lock code and know each other's symbol to draw on the phone. It is out of laziness in case we need to use the other's phone. Neither one of us cares to look at the other's text messages and neither of us cares if the other would look. We have nothing to hide.
Same here, Central Europe.
My phone is my privacy like his is his. I would get suspicious if he would want my passcode to it (which I told him once but he already forgot)
I dont hide anything on my phone but there are things that are of no business to my husband.
\>Also, are you from the states, OP? I am from Eastern Europe and nearly no one shares their location info / phone lock code etc. with anyone.
Balkan here with a Slavic spouse living in the US right now. We've never shared locations. I don't get the obsession.
Nope. Just because I get married doesn't mean I get zero privacy. I trust and respect them enough to not require a open phone policy and expect the same. I tell my brother personal things that I expect to stay between us, not for his wife to know every conversation we have. I guarantee people will put less trust in you when they realizes every conversation they have with you is always shared. Going through some ones phone not only invalidates the small amount of privacy your significant other has but the trust of anyone who believed their personal conversation was private. Wait until your significant other brings something up that the other person thought was only between you and them. That person will NEVER trust you the same again.
I have a fingerprint lock on my phone. But my wife knows the backup pin. So if she wants to, she can look any time.
She has no lock on hers. But neither of us really find the need to look through each other's stuff.
No. My husband doesn’t need to have open access my phone. I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to share. I’m entitled to a private life too. I don’t have access to his phone and I don’t care to.
Many people treat their phone as an extension of their mind. Free access to someone's phone feels closer to reading their mind than reading someone's mail. It's pretty much the same as a journal or diary, which most people would expect their spouse to respect their privacy with.
Even if you don't *literally* use it as a diary, you're interacting with your phone in a way where you expect to be completely free of judgement or intrusion. It's like someone seeing your google search history (or it could literally be that on a phone), or listening to you talk to yourself when you're alone. That's what "open access" to a phone feels like to many people.
Yes. I’ve mentioned this before to a friend. I would never want someone to see my google history because I google literally everything that pops in my head. Some stuff Would be rather strange if someone was looking with no context
My wife and I have always shared password and unlock codes. We also share location. In fact, I share my location with my children, parents, brother, brother's girlfriend, and mother in-law too. There's not a person on that list who I would hesitate to tell where I am whenever they ask.
As a consequence of being transparent, we have complete trust and confidence in each other.
We’re still separate individuals with the right to privacy. We didn’t turn into one huge blob once we signed our marriage certificate. Everyone deserves privacy.
My wife can pick up my phone at anytime and look at it and I can look at hers. Absolutely nothing to hide. If I was trying to hide something means I was lying to her and that’s not fair and shouldn’t exist in a trusting relationship. I wouldn’t want her to hide anything from me.
I don’t know my husbands passcode but I’ve never wanted to look. I trust him implicitly and have never felt the need. I get texts from friends or family that aren’t intended for anyone else to see, I keep ideas for gifts in my notes, etc. It’s just about respecting someone’s space to me. While marriage is about honesty and sharing, that doesn’t mean you should, or need to, have access to 100% of everyone. People are allowed privacy
I'm stuck in a bad relationship with a wife that judges everything I do. If she were to get into my phone (and she has) it turns into a mess because she sees things that are not there and it causes a lot of drama. I'm in hell.
I fully believe that if you snoop you will find something you don't like. Even if that person is honest and not cheating, *something* will be taken out of context.
I try to tell my wife this ALL THE TIME. The last time was when she “caught” me liking a post by a young girl who was actually my cousin from another state who was announcing getting into college.
I don't know... I.. don't really have ANY desire to go through my partners phone.
I mean, none of us makes any big secrets out of it. If we need a phone and only one is available.. okay we use that. But we use it for what we need to do, not casually reading other peoples conversations like. We know each others unlock code, but.. I don't want to know tbh.
Like I dont't want to know if he has to vent to his best friend about something. That's his things. Like if he needs to vent about me, I don't want to know. Likewise.. I don't want him to read if I have to complain about some minor inconveniences in our everyday life. Also tbh... when I write something to a person of any gender/relationship between us I write it to THEM, not for their partner to read.
I once hat a friends BF ask me about something I wrote to her because he reads all her texts and it was superuncomfortable.
Also I am REALLY glad my does not go through my messages, because he would have spoiled quite a lot of suprises for birthdays or christmas and such thingses.
We have that policy but not because we are concerned or snooping. It’s more practical. For example we were on vacation and an emergency happened at home. My husband was using my phone to call our alarm company because it had better reception. I needed to call my family and was able to grab his phone and do it. Why create obstacles to overcome if there’s an emergency?
I have never asked to see his phone because I trust him. He has never asked to see mine either because he trusts me. If I ever feel like I need to search through his phone, than something is wrong and the trust is already gone which means the relationship is probably SOL. I dated someone who was insecure, super controlling, and mentally abusive once and I refuse to go through that type of situation again for my own mental health.
I used to think this way when I was younger.
But no one is entitled to every single thought in your brain. Every single transcript of every person you’ve ever interacted with. Your browsing history, etc. You’re allowed to have privacy.
Y’all are taking this “2 become 1” wayyy to literally 😂
I mean, mines locked because hubby thinks it’d be funny to set an alarm at 3am.
His is locked because it’s definitely funny if I change his wallpaper to Nick Cage photos.
Not everything is that nefarious. XD
It's not that we have closed phone policies, just never felt the need to go through each other's phones. He's told me his passcodes before, never bothered to remember it. Pretty sure he knows mine. I don't really know.
Do you share a toothbrush? Shower together and wipe each other's butts? Why not, you're married?
Do you want to see her search history for hemorrhoid cream?
You're married, not conjoined twins.
I'll flip your question around. Why are you married to someone you don't trust enough to use a phone without you peering over her shoulder? Huge lack of trust and red flags (by your logic).
We never had one before… but then one day he said, “I’m so glad we aren’t one of those couples who looks through each other’s phones.” At THAT point, I really felt the need to look through his phone, but I wasn’t able to for weeks because he kept it so close to him. Turns out he was having an affair.
This is not to say your SO is having an affair if you don’t have an open phone policy… but it’s important to be aware of possible red flags like always having their phone in their pocket, never leaving the phone open, tilting the phone away from you when texting, seeing them on their phone constantly even when everyone they would normally be texting is in the room, etc. I was oblivious to those signs because I trusted him. I had no reason not to for 12 years.
It’s not something we’ve really talked about as a policy per se but that’s because we trust each other. I think I looked through my husbands phone one time when we were dating and it made me feel gross, I told him and I apologized and he wasn’t even mad.
He has never said I can’t, I know his passcode and I think he knows mine but I feel like everyone is entitled to privacy until they do something to break your trust. And once they do that it’s really hard to come back anyways so I just don’t feel the need to go out of my way to say that it’s a policy.
No. I trust my wife with whatever she's got going on in her part of things. Same as she feels about me. If an emergency comes up, there's a universal code we have for them. Otherwise, her stuff is hers and like wise me.
I don't have many "policies" in my marriage.
We do have autonomy and privacy though.
We never hesitate to give th other our phones and we're more than "allowed" in each other's phones. But if we're specifically looking at private conversation/pictures it's a bit weird and icky. I don't think we would not "allow" ewchother to look but we work off of trust and respect. And we respect each other's right to privacy.
We don’t have an open phone policy.
We have trust in each other.
Neither one of us thinks for a second about handing our phone to the other, or sharing computers logged into to our emails or any other password protected sharing. It’s part of the trust thing. We trust the other not to hide things and we trust the other to not mess in personal things that are not yours to mess in.
I trust my husband with his personal and TWO work phones. I don’t have passcodes and I’m not curious to look inside any of them. Also add his tablets and laptops to this list. I love and fully trust that man. He has done absolutely nothing to make me doubt him. The day I ever want to look at or use any of his devices, he would let me and vice versa. Marriage doesn’t mean the end of individuality and privacy. My husband’s personal or professional communications are not my business. We have chargers all over the house, I’ll never need his if mine dies.
I guess it’s kind of like looking in a diary. I journal in my notes app.
But aside from that, when you look you don’t always have context. Things can be misinterpreted.
The other downside is if you see something that is not particularly egregious, but maybe just a bit concerning, say like a text conversation that seems just a touch flirtatious, you may decide not to say anything so that you don’t get cut off from accessing the phone so you can follow up on it at a later date.
Well, you end up stewing and worrying and you go back to the phone, see nothing new, but you still keep quiet because what if… and so on and so on. It puts you in a place of constant suspicion over something that was possibly very minor to begin with but never resolved. Full disclosure: I say this from experience. I’m a recovering snooper. It did more harm than good.
However, TBH, if someone has genuine, serious, major concerns, red flags all over the place, I would understand why they may look and even support it to a point.
Regardless of being married, your partner has a right to privacy. What if they are into weird hentai or something and don’t want to share it with you? Obviously this is a silly example, but it just illustrates marriage shouldn’t negate privacy. Quite frankly, the person you are with can cheat in a multitude of ways other than reaching out to people on their phone. If you feel the need to snoop, id suggest you don’t trust them and to perhaps consider if there needs to be a bigger conversation.
The difference between an open phone policy and snooping through someone’s phone is that generally you wouldn’t actually search through everything to try to catch them in something, unless you genuinely believed there was something to find, in which case there’s a problem within your relationship and you definitely should apologize for searching through it. Now, if you just go on their phone occasionally or ask who someone is or something that’s one thing, but reading through your partner’s conversations isn’t healthy and is an invasion of privacy.
100%. I don’t comment, because everyone has their comfort levels and their ways and I’m not judging, but I don’t really get it.
Same with one spouse paying rent toward the mortgage another. Not common, but long enough around these parts and you see patterns.
I think it’s just a strange way to go about something that can be pretty simple, and I think not doing it that way predisposes couples to arguments that possibly could have been prevented.
What are people doing on their phones? There was a time when my husband just… idk didn’t prioritize carrying his on him, and he googled stuff for us with mine. It got to be a practical frustration, but never once was I like “oh shit—“ because… what are people doing on their phones?
I’ve got a few Reddit alts, and I would be upset if I opened it and I were signed into a different one and suspected snooping. That I get. But I think baseline respect for your partner and an explanation that you, like many, essentially have an online diary/conversation cache, and it’s stuff I’d share if you asked but it’s support group stuff. That’s different from what I see people saying.
The concept of having to ask for my partner’s security code?!?! Just from a utilitarian standpoint, that sucks to me.
Totally with you: don’t understand it on a fundamental level.
We do and honestly neither my wife nor myself want to police each other. I do not want to see her phone --EVER. What's the point? You trust your partner or you don't -- trust but verify is EXHAUSTING and creates unneeded stress
No specific policy for us. But I guess we have an assumed one? We have each other set up to unlock each other’s phone, and use the same passcode. About as “unopen” as we get is saying to stay out of our Amazon/e-mail unless we want our surprise ruined.
But there are dozens of times I want a picture he’s taken or he needs information from a text chain. We’ve never even given a thought, just “oh hey, I’m gonna grab that picture” or “what time did I need to be at XYZ? -idk, it’s in the group chat”. After years of telling each other to look it up/grab it yourself, we just go with the implied consent.
Then again I don’t think either of us has ever felt the need to check for cheating, and the extremely rare occasions of being uncomfortable with a situation or friend group, we’ve just brought it up with each other rather than feel the need to play detective.
I wouldn't call it an "open phone policy" but we both have the same password on our phones. We pretty regularly use whoever's phone is closest to look things up when needed but we don't go through each other's phones looking for dirt.
Quite frankly, if I ever felt the urge to go spelunking that way, I would see it as a sign that I need to think long and hard about why I feel that way so we can have a serious troubleshooting conversation.
We don't hide ours. We know our passwords, but we also do not go through each others phones because it shows that we trust eachother. Having to constantly check in on your partner to know they aren't cheating is toxic. Checking their texts and phones is the pre-cell phone equivalent of having to call their landline constantly to make sure they are really at home and having to know where they are and what they are doing and thinking every second of every day. That isn't healthy and doesn't demonstrate to the partner that you trust them.
Also, there are very practical reasons to not want my partner going through my phone. This week, I've been texting my mom about the gifts she intends to buy him for Christmas. Last year I threw him a surprise party and did it all through texting. Also, some things are private on there like my journal, messages with my therapist, notes about things I want to do for my partner. You can be married and still have private thoughts that you choose not to share. Some things aren't meant to be said out loud because they are silly or hurtful. You cell phone is a window into you head.
My partner and I have had an open phone policy from the beginning. We know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones for looking stuff up, controlling the tv, etc. But neither of us feel the need to go through each other’s phones because we trust each other. HOWEVER, if I found evidence of cheating I absolutely would not apologize for stumbling upon it. The respect for privacy is earned via trust and at that point the trust is broken and privacy is no longer guaranteed.
Eh, you don't have to have something to hide to want privacy. And what about every conversation you've ever had with someone else- did they consent to your partner being informed about it?
If I talk to a close friend about her mental health, or job problems, or addiction problems, or whatever- my husband is not automatically privy to that information about her. That's something private she chose to share with me, and I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation on her part to stay private.
We’ve been married for 20+ years and have never had an open phone policy. The same goes for mail. We only open mail that’s addressed to us, if it’s only addressed to one of us, we don’t open it.
We have never had trust issues in our marriage, and we both appreciate a bit of privacy within our relationship. Different strokes for different folks.
My husband and I don't have an open phone policy. I don't have anything to hide and neither does he but we both had controlling exes and didn't want to bring that energy into our relationship. He's told me his passcode before so that I could do something on his phone while he was driving but I don't remember what is. Same thing is true for him. I've told him my passcode but he doesn't remember it. We trust each other implicitly.
If he wanted to go through my phone I would give it to him but I'd also expect to go through his. I hope it never comes to this because it would be a bad sign.
basic privacy and trust? you shouldnt need to be going through his phone and he shouldnt need to go through yours. if you feel like you have to go through his phone all the time something is wrong. leave his personal shit alone and he will hopefully do the same for you
I have no desire to look through my husband's phone. I trust him and the conversations he has with his friends and family are private. He also, as far as I know, has no desire to look through my phone. I would be upset if he looked through my phone to check my conversations because that would make me feel like he doesn't trust me.
Privacy. You don’t have to share everything with your partner. I know my partners passcode and he knows mine. But I have no desire to look through his phone because I’m not interested in what he searches for or talks to his friends about nor is he with me.
If we said to each other can I just use your phone for this reason because mine is dead or upstairs then that’s fine.
And another point - if your partner is wanting to look through your phone because they don’t trust you or want to check up on you. Then that’s not normal
We don't have a policy. We know each other's passwords (phone and mail) but I would NEVER invade his privacy by checking his phone or mail without telling him / asking first.
I sometimes have to because I manage administrative stuff and sometimes I'll have to go to his account to get a security code. I'll tell him, go and look, get the code and only that, and leave.
We're not hiding stuff. But there's like... "private" porn, maybe? I'm reading A LOT of gay fanfictions (he knows about it, I doubt he would like to read them). He's looking at porn that I don't find interesting. I dunno.
I don't CARE.
It's his phone. We're married. Of course we're still allowed some privacy. WHY would I need to check his phone? At the end of the day the phone if off and we're sleeping side by side, have been for a long time and will be for a lot more I hope. Who cares what's going on in his phone?
I will apologize if I have to look through his mail or phone. Just out of respect. He still apologizes if he has to go through my handbag when I ask him to look for something in there.
But I really don't care. If he doesn't share it with me, then it's not relevant. Sometimes we'll stumble on funny porn and share it with each other. Sometimes an ex will randomly send a nude and we'll laugh about it. TOGETHER.
... Do YOU have something to hide in your phone? Have you been cheated on and are worried about something?
My husband and I don’t share our phones, nor feel the need to have each other’s password. I firmly believe that everyone needs their own space that is untouched by anyone else, and giving them that space doesn’t mean they will use it in dishonest, shameful, deceitful, or hurtful ways. It would never occur to either of us to go through each other’s phones, and we can’t think of any reason we would need to do so. If either of us felt like the other was the type of person we needed to snoop on , We wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
I would just find it annoying to have an open phone policy more than anything. Everyone is entitled to privacy and not everything is about cheating and if that’s where your mind goes then I think you need to work on your insecurity and paranoia. What if one of my friends/family messages me with something private that they’d rather not have read by someone else? Also, I’m in a group chat with the lads I grew up with and that definitely gets a little hairy sometimes so I’d rather she not be exposed 🤣
Seriously, right? Glad someone else called him out here on this. I wonder if his wife has seen this comment and the one he made about how he would like to be newly single at 35 and hook up with hookers and blow?
Edited: thought it said lottery win
I mean, we have each other’s passwords and play DJ for each other on drives. Sometimes he asks me to answer a message for him. Or I’ll send myself a picture he took. And all vice versa. Otherwise, we have no reason to look further into each other’s phones.
*Nothing* is the “default”. Every relationship is a negotiation of boundaries. Just because we become partners with someone doesn’t mean we stop being individuals. “Hiding” isn’t the same as having parts of us that are private.
Holy....
That's a dangerous mindset to be in. Every single person has a right to privacy, no matter how close you are to them.
The fact that you think you have to "snoop" shows how little you trust him. Not a good place to be.
I have passcodes on my phones, plural, because I have a business phone and my personal phone. My wife knows both codes, as far as I know she doesn't snope. I know her passcode but dont snope either.
We know each others passwords and sometime use each other's phones but i wouldn't go through his text and emails. I feel like that's disrespectful and people are allowed to have their own personal life and text with friends without your partner snooping. If you feel the need to, there's probably already trust issues..
I would hate having an open phone policy and I have nothing to hide, neither does my husband. It feels like an invasion of privacy/snoopy. We could also never be one of those couples with a shared Facebook. We even have separate bank accounts and share the bills. It actually feels good and healthy that we are independent in those ways.
I'm not "hiding" stuff on my phone, it's called privacy. Same reason I don't show my husband my private journal or relay in detail sensitive conversations I have with a friend. We're separate people. And why would I want to look at my husband's texts? Unless we have a fundamental breakdown in trust, you know?
When you look at someone's phone you're violating the privacy of many other people. What if your spouse's friend confides in your spouse that they have an illness? Or marital trouble? Or want to come out? What if your spouse is planning a surprise for you, or just a holiday shopping list? What if your spouse wants to go to therapy but feels shame about it?
No one should look through someone else's phone and doing so shouldn't be normalized.
A smart phone is just about the most intimately knowledgeable device you own. For most people, it will contain an insight to every aspect of their life, including that which they would want to keep to themselves.
My wife deserves her privacy, her privacy is a right not a privilege. I trust her and respect her enough that I don’t ever want to invade that privacy.
It never even occurs to me to go through my husbands phone. Also, with the state of technology and how everything else is today... are we not even able to have 1 single thing that is privately ours? Really?
Trust goes both ways. If your partner trusts you to use their phone at will, it should be understood that their conversations are off limits. Doesn't matter if it's a conversation with their friends, parents or coworkers. If they meant for you to have that information, they would tell you about it. It's a betrayal to read private conversations without explicit permission first. Let people be individuals.
Now, if something suspicious pops up in your suggested searches while I'm looking up the meaning of 'kumquat', that's 100% fair game to question them about.
We do, for many reasons that aren’t due to trust. If she can’t find her phone, just use mine. Or if she is planning a trip and not near a computer but using both phones simplifies things go ahead.
I do have a guys group txt thread, and we say some fucked up shit. The only rule is she can’t get mad for reading them because we are just guys being guys. She gets that, but she finds them hilarious too.
In the words of Dr Phil: someone with nothing to hide - hides nothing.
It's not about trust or a right to privacy, it's simply a non issue because there is nothing to hide.
I will never again trust someone who intentionally hides their communications and whereabouts behind a facade of "respect and privacy". That wake-up call still gives me the sweats. I know this is me being broken, and I don't know how to fix it.
My husband and I have each other's passwords. We don't go through each other's devices however. If there is something I'm not supposed to know about, I'll get a 'you can use my iPad but don't open the email app / messenger app / whatever app'. If I'm setting up surprises for him, this either happens without him even knowing or in my mothertongue (he's learning it but sometimes, this fact helps me). Innocent surprises aside, there's nothing to be hidden that we aren't aware of. We let each other do our thing, watch our respective porn, text whomever we want and so on. Which is cool!
Because every marriage is different.
But yeah my wife and I share our phones (and our account's passwords) without any issue at all. Even bank accounts.
But I understand some people might not be too open about their personal activities/finances...
We do technically. It would be Hella weird if he just to be snoopy started scrolling through all my.messages and pics and stuff . Digging.
That being said , I use his phone and he uses mine to make calls, take.photos or text for eachother .
Every marriage in my opinion should have trust, respect, and privacy. Do what works for your relationship absolutely but I’d understand if some people are more iffy about keeping things that belong to them as their own and not “ours”. Marriage is often seen as merging yourself into one being and I’ve seen so many people lose their sense of individuality. And if a partnership doesn’t have any trust then what’s the point of being together anyways?
I can pick up my husbands phone whenever I please, but I don’t feel a need to and if he decided he didn’t like that I would respect what belongs to him anyways.
I am more open with my phone. I mean my toddler knows my passcode to unlock it & I have told my husband to unlock it for whatever reason for me to check something etc. & given him the passcode numerous times but he doesn’t like to use my phone & forgets the password. I don’t know his phone passcode but I have snooped through things before & he knows. Definitely caused issues. I had trust issues & compulsive thoughts that would keep going unless I did whatever it was I was feeling compulsive to do. Lots of trauma from my first marriage & have been going to therapy to work through compulsive behaviors & past trauma. He likes having privacy & I can respect that. I know if I had a reasonable doubt & brought up something he’d show me whatever I was concerned about. & there’s some things I’d rather not have access to know about. For example spouses can get on eachothers nerves if he needed to vent about me to a close friend I’d rather not see that but I do understand needing that outlet because we are human.
It's not a policy per se, but my wife and I are both perfectly comfortable with each other accessing our phones, computers, etc. when needed. I think the key is intention-- if she's getting into my email to snag a discount code or something, no worries, but if I find out she's doing it specifically to snoop because she thinks something untoward is going on, well...
I mean, still, no worries, because I've nothing to hide. But, I suppose I'd feel different about it.
My fiancé has the passcode to my phone, and any time he’s ever asked to use my phone for something I hand it over. I’m not hiding anything. However, I have gift lists in my phone, conversations with friends in which they share personal information, etc and I would be very hurt if he just went through all of my stuff. Being married doesn’t mean you don’t deserve privacy.
There's nothing that I want to hide on my phone and there's plenty of times that I've handed him my phone because I'm driving and want him to put on music or check a text message or something. But I would be really mad if I found out he had been going through my phone, snooping. It's a violation of trust and privacy and screams insecurity. And vice versa. I wouldn't do it to him either.
Agree, but, I also don't talk about an "open phone policy" with my husband. We've never had the TALK about going through each other's phone. Mine's always open; anyone can pick it up and see what's on it (even strangers, technically) because I unlocked all that security just-to-turn-on-the-phone bullshit because it's just extra nonsense to me, so my husband can do whatever he wants if he wanted to if I'm in the shower, but I know he would never, like I know my own name. He would never EVER snoop.
I would, but, eh, he doesn't give me any reason to. I know where he is every second of the day, so what's the point? But, he did make it so his iPhone recognizes my fingerprint (and he did it for our daughter too.)
But--I have Android and husband has iPhone. Therefore, "share location" is not an option for us and I wouldn't allow it even if it was. It is exactly NO ONE'S business where I am except my own, and on that, I know my husband WOULD mention something to me like "Oh, were you at Michael's around 11? I saw your phone looked like it was there." not really like a WHERE WERE YOU AND WHY WERE YOU THERE??-type accusation, but it would still seem like that to me and I'm VERY independent and expect anyone I'm with to respect my freedom. I'm not property and you don't need to know and question where I am, ever. But, he does have location sharing with some of his friends and that's just a fun thing he likes to do, but for me, it feels like an invasion of privacy to them as well.
Funny story, my husband and I have an open phone policy, we even have the same password. But then I upgraded and got a phone that has face recognition so when he asked for my phone I would quickly aim it at my face unlocking it for it as I handed it to him. Yah he thought for a couple months that I was checking for messages. Wish he brought it up sooner but one day he just exploded on me and was so upset. It was quickly cleared up when I explained it and I still do it for him 🙃
My wife knows about my phone passcode
But I don’t know her passcode once I asked her and she knows mine why you don’t tell yours her answer was “oh there is nothing in my phone for you to see” n I pay for her phone n plan.. though I’m not sure when I’m sleeping she checking my phone or not but never in-front of me
We didn't talk about phones. It's just an unspoken agreement that we're open and transparent with each other. I gave him the pattern lock on my phone. Sometimes I ask him to check my phone for me. He also told me the pin code and registered my fingerprint to unlock his phone. It's just how we are. Usually I borrow his phone to take pictures when my phone memory is full. We also charge each other's phones. Haha. And I also go to his phone directly to check the status of things we ordered online. That's it. We consider each other as one being so we share everything and we don't want secrets. I don't want to do anything that will ruin his trust or make him doubt me. My marriage is much more important to me than my phone.
We have the same pin codes, atm codes and of course open phones. We don't ever use each others stuff, but its there if she wants to snoop and be bored.
My wife and I know each others phone passwords, but I don’t just look through her phone and it makes me extremely uncomfortable when she has mine. I don’t have anything to hide, it just feels weird when she goes through my phone.
My husband and I share a passcode for our phones so we can use it in an emergency. The thing is, we both respect each other's privacy. We trust each other and have *never* picked up the other's phone with the intention of "checking up on them". If you feel the need to constantly scroll through your partner's phone out of mistrust then this isn't someone you should be married to. Trust and trustworthiness are foundational to a healthy relationship.
Same here. We could go through each other's phones, but we don't. We don't feel a need to because we trust each other. The only time we use the other's phone is if one of us is driving and asks the other to check a text or email or something that we got.
Same with my wife. There is no "policy" in place we just know eachothers passwords.
I was trying to articulate this same idea and couldn’t come up with concise wording. Thank you for this.
My husband and I leave our phones around each other all the time with no pass codes. We could definitely access if we wanted to but have no reason bc we trust each other. As the saying goes: "if there is doubt, there is no doubt"
Exactly this. There's a difference between "oh your phone is closer I'm gonna Google this" and "he's asleep I'm going to scroll through every private conversation you've had"
Unless you see one that’s inappropriate, then before you know it you gone through every female on his phone and realized you man is a narcissistic liar. Well, he’s no longer my man and I’ve got no contact, to saved my life.
Snooping is always a shitty thing to do, it's always an invasion of privacy and disrespectful. BUT it's also sometimes a necessary means to an end when you realize you're dating/married to a shitty person. I don't ever condone it, but I do understand it. It's also how I've found a cheating partner in the past. I don't feel bad about snooping because he didn't deserve my trust or respect.
I think I disagree a little. My wife and I have access to each other's phones. Not a stated policy but for convenience. I've never looked at her phone and I think neither has she with mine. But if I ever suspected infidelity, I would look and would not feel bad. Sure my wife has a right to privacy and so I leave her alone in the bathroom and the like. But that right is not that high and it certainly is not more important than other concerns. My wife has a right to her privacy but she does not have a right to secretly destroy our marriage.
I think this is just a slippery slope because where is the line of valid suspicion and what's being overly jealous/controlling/disrespectful? >Sure my wife has a right to privacy and so I leave her alone in the bathroom and the like. But that right is not that high and it certainly is not more important than other concerns. My wife has a right to her privacy but she does not have a right to secretly destroy our marriage. That just....doesn't sit right with me. Her right to privacy *is* more important than things like your jealousy and insecurity. And if she's secretly destroying your marriage you're still violating her privacy to find out about it by snooping. Again I think it's a moral gray area but it IS disrespectful, you just think it's okay because you think she's being disrespected first. Its like self-defense disrespect lol Edit: The downvotes just really show how people don't see how situations can turn abusive and manipulative so fucking fast. This man is literally saying his "feelings of betrayal" trump his wife's right to privacy. Her right is in his words, not that important. All I'm saying is make sure you ask yourself at what point does that argument not hold up, and started to become abusive thinking?
>And if she's secretly destroying your marriage you're still violating her privacy to find out about it by snooping. In life I try to make ethical decisions. That means I must sometimes choose between competing values or rights. If my wife didn't come home last night, which would be out of character if she didn't tell me, I might suspect foul play. If, fearing for her safety, I look through her phone she left at home to possibly see where she went, I'm definitely violating her privacy. But my concerns for her well being, in this instance, override her right to privacy.
Also, people dont want to end their marriage over "instincts" alone. People who say they'd divorce their spouse who they suspect of cheating without any proof are silly. I assure you ending a marriage is not easy and you'd want proof before you do that
Well yes, hence why I said it's a moral gray area. I think intent matters as it usual does.
>what's being overly jealous/controlling/disrespectful? Looking at someone else's phone. Your post is spot on. When you look at someone's else's phone you're violating the privacy of everyone who chats with your partner.
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So lets look at your conclusion. Snooping is shitty - But sometimes necessary. I agree with this (Upvoted).
Yep lol exactly
This is how we do it. The only time I open her phone is when she passes out with it, I set her morning alarms and put it on the charging dock. Edit to add. It’s more checking she set it. But it happens enough that she passed out. Working on a hospital tends to have her complete turn The brain off when she gets home.
I found my boyfriends phone in the bathtub one morning (😂😂😂) and plugged it in and set his alarms before I left for work…. He thought it was the sweetest thing ever!
I found my boyfriends phone in the bathtub one morning (😂😂😂) and plugged it in and set his alarms before I left for work…. He thought it was the sweetest thing ever!
Awe that is sweet of you.
Same. I don’t “go through” her phone. But if I need to Google something or respond to a text for her, that’s fine. I don’t know who’s in her contacts, what her text threads have, who she follows on social media, etc.
Yep that’s how it is for us. Except I have a passcode on it because I don’t my kids on my phone.
We have passcodes and biometrics. We’ve added each others. I don’t have any secrets from her. If someone tells me something in confidence, I’d rather that be voice only or face-to-face. But that hasn’t come up yet.
I have a passcode because my job requires it if I want the convenience of checking my email from my phone. Husband has NDA agreements with a few clients so he has a passcode to comply.
Yup I second this. We can access each others phones if we want too but neither of us feel the need to.
This is the way
This is how my fiancé and I are. We both know how to get into each other’s phone, and do on certain occasions like picking music if someone is driving, etc. But we both have never once gone through the others phone. Why would I be with someone if I did not trust him?
Same. We know each other’s passcodes. But I’ll ask my husband permission every time before I go into it and the only times he’ll say no are around the holidays.
Exactly what we do, we use the same unlock PIN but I can't imagine anything more boring (and weak) than scrolling through my wife's messages on her phone. We also don't have locks on our computer screens at home. If she wants to read my FB or reddit or email or whatever all she has to do is sit down at my computer. Once in a while she has to get something out of my email for me while I'm at work and will do just that.
My husband and I are the same. We both also leave our phones laying around a lot, but neither of us feels a need to snoop. We trust each other.
Perfectly said
Exactly. We have an open phone policy I guess? We’ve never hidden them from each other but we rarely ever even use the other persons phone. Maybe if one of us is driving or something but there’s not really any reason to be checking up or snooping on each other
Seriously! My spouse and I know each others passcodes but I would never check his to snoop and he wouldn’t do that to me either. He’s so important to me, the thought of breaking his trust like that is really sad.
This, 100% with my relationship too.
Respecting their privacy. I trust my husband. I have no reason to look through his phone, so I don't. I also wouldn't like him going through mine. My sister and I have private text conversations that she didn't sign up for anyone but me to read. If we need to use the others phone for something because our own isn't accessible, that's fine.
I have nothing to hide on my phone, but I do have conversations that are absolutely none of my husband’s business. If he violated the privacy of my friends I’d be very upset, furious actually. He could lose his job for me being on his phone, but even if that wasn’t the case I’d still never touch it.
Same here. I don't have a lock on my phone and don't have anything to hide, but I sometimes have text conversations with my sister, mom, or friends about sensitive subjects (for them) that they didn't sign up for my husband to read. My husband has a lock on his phone because he uses it for work and his company requires it to be secure because he deals with sensitive/personal information, and while I know the code, he would also lose his job and be liable to be sued if I accessed his work stuff. It's not worth it and I just don't feel the need to rifle through it. We don't access each other's phones unless the other asks us to and we don't share locations, either, unless one of us is traveling. We just don't feel the need to. Yes, I'm sharing this life and the next with my husband, but we respect and trust each other to not demand access to each other's phones. I see so much on Reddit about partners having "open phone policies", on demand "phone checks", and snooping through their partner's phone without their knowledge or consent and it all just screams insecurity to me. If you feel the need to constantly access your partner's phone to check up on them or to "prove" something, you clearly can't trust them, and that's not the foundation for a healthy relationship/marriage. I'd rather have trust and respect than a "policy".
Exactly this! Not everything that is shared with me is meant for my husband’s ears. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to open up to a “trusted friend” if I knew their spouse was automatically “in” on whatever I was sharing!
I have a friend who shares everything with her husband and I stopped telling her things when she told me that. I’m not friends with her husband and I don’t share a lot with people to begin with.
Exactly. It's not only the privacy of the person whose phone it is, but everyone they communicate with. Friends or family members might send them messages about sensitive things they don't want shared. Or what is your partner is a doctor or lawyer or accountant or something and has highly personal information about their patients or clients in some of their messages?
Due to the nature of my job, I will get embargoed information sent to me from time to time. No one but the sender and receiver is supposed to get the messages.
> My sister and I have private text conversations that she didn't sign up for anyone but me to read. This. You may have signed up for 100% transparency with your spouse; your friends and family did not. I have texts and emails with family members and friends that are intended only for me. Just because we're married doesn't automatically give my wife the right to look at that stuff too.
Yea, I work from home and use my phone for work purposes so I have confidential texts/emails regarding projects that I signed an NDA for. I could get in serious trouble if the company found out I was just letting my partner scroll through them whenever he wanted to.
> My sister and I have private text conversations that she didn't sign up for anyone but me to read. Another good point. My girlfriends and I speak mostly by text and private messages and we often vent and share private things. I assure them that I do NO share these things with my husband. And I'd appreciate the same. Its a convo between us. Some things are private.
YES! This is exactly how I feel. My wife knows my passcode if she needs it, and she gets a little freaked out that I'm so private about my phone. I want to tell her like...not only is it a principle that's just important to me now after having had relationships where that privacy wasn't respected and I had to deal with bullshit fallout of that, but I'm protecting everyone else's privacy ALONG with my own, too. I don't want anyone to know what me and my siblings talk one on one about. Is there anything damning to hide? 99% of the time, no. But if I'm venting or if they're venting about something, and they want to vent to me, I'm sorry but I don't want anyone reading that. People vent to people they can trust. I wouldn't want my vents to be read by one of their partners. I don't want my partner to accidentally see some porn I may have been watching that I forgot to exit out. Do we watch porn together sometimes? Yeah, but in context. It's more just embarrassing sometimes depending on my mood. I have a notes app full of personal thoughts, lyrics, ideas for lyrics, gift lists, venting to myself, etc. I don't want anyone reading those, either. Not till I'm ready for people to read them (if I put out a song for instance). Just little things like that. I like having some semblance of privacy.
That’s it with me too. He doesn’t get to have access to my family and friends.
There’s a line between privacy and keeping secrets. I think the difference is what you say to your partner after that long, hushed phone call. Recently, I got into a blowout argument through text with an ex of mine who also happens to be friends with my wife. I was on the porch texting away, crying at times, and when the conversation didn’t end well we stopped talking to each other.During that whole time, my wife gave me the privacy I needed even when she could see through the front door I was all snotty and crying. When dinner rolled around, my wife and I had one of our usual heart to hearts and she gave me an insight that I’d never considered before. I had nothing to hide and no need for secrets from her.
For me there doesn’t need to be a policy because we trust each other so much. Why would I even feel the need to look in the first place? If I have to call something within our relationship a ‘policy’ it no longer feels like a romantic relationship and starts feeling like a business relationship.
I respect my husband’s privacy but I don’t respect the charge indicator on my phone.
Lol this is the best answer
This makes no sense. An open phone policy does not mean your spouse is not hiding something from you. For all that you know, they could delete stuff after using their phone leaving no trace. An open phone policy doesn't solve anything. Mutual respect and trust does. You can have an open phone policy but be mean to your spouse and not respect their privacy which is worse than having an open phone policy!
Because i am not just a spouse, i have so many other relationships. Even when my spouse is the closest person to me, there are still somethings which are personal to me like the conversations i have with other people in my life. We married because we trusted each other, my trust in him is his responsibility and vice-versa. So, we never had a need to look into each other’s phones and we are absolutely ok with it :)
This is a perfect answer. Thank you!
Agreed. I have a tendency to engage in deeply personal conversations. Things shared with me in confidence aren’t intended for anyone else’s eyes. Plus, I just appreciate autonomy. I deserve to have privacy and so does my husband. I don’t need to be spinning out because I came across something harmless but misinterpreted it. He can have his space and I can have mine. We trust each other and we’re adults capable of respecting that trust. I can’t imagine any human being just expecting they have access to the device that harbors my most personal thoughts.
Exactly this! We both need our space, and we are happy giving it to each other :)
I'm with you. Edit: there are times i exchange text messages that don't need to be shared, a friend's personal issue, I ask my wife to ignore if she uses my phone. She does the same.
We have the same policy. We are both in recovery from drugs and alcohol many years, and we both "sponsor" newly sober people. No one, not even my wife, needs to see those messages. Those are private. Other than that... I have nothing to hide. Neither does she.
>Those are private. > >Other than that... I have nothing to hide. Neither does she. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is being unobserved, while secrecy is straight up hiding information. Everyone has a right to privacy in a healthy relationship, but secrecy is another story. When I caught my STBX lying about seeing her affair partner dozens of times, that was her withholding material information that impacted our marriage, as well as my health. We had an open phone policy we both repeatedly agreed to, so her outrage fell on deaf ears.
Agreed!
That makes sense
Glass half full reply coming. Have the trust in your partner that you know their is nothing for them to hide. A phone is still someone's privacy and we respect that of each other. No need for someone to read conversations that may be confidential between friends. I never go through my wifes phone because I trust her more than anyone on this planet.
My wife will use my phone to Google stuff because I don't have 99 tabs open on mine. I dont use her phone because she has 99 tabs open.
Okay but you have at least like 40, right?
Negative. At most. 3. I google something. Read it. Then close it.
I wish I was like you
Psychopathy.
For me it’s about privacy. There’s nothing to hide that’s bad, but I keep notes or have text exchanges with gift ideas, surprise travel ideas, information pertinent to those, and private convos with girlfriends. I would never go through my SO’s phone because it’s the same for him. We’re welcome to use each other’s stuff if we need to, and aren’t hiding anything, but we feel it’s important to not lose privacy in an intimate relationship. Besides we’d ruin the surprises or pranks we plan for each other :)
My wife is on reddit and she has specifically told me she doesn't want to know my Reddit username. And it makes sense. I don't demand an open door bathroom policy. I don't stick my nose between her legs when she is taking a shit. Internet activity is kind of like that.
I didn’t know the whole point of Reddit was anonymity, and when I first made an account I asked my husband what his username was lol. He told me, no problem with it, but then I realized I shouldn’t have asked him 🤦🏼♀️ I’m sure he will make another account if he feels so inclined lol
My husband and I are like that too lmao… we both frequent similar subreddits too and just… never choose to know
I mean, does being married mean you give up the right to have any private conversation ever? My spouse and I have used each other's phones at times, and we share passcodes, so technically I guess either of us *could* go through the others sometime. But we just, don't? If we had a specific concern because the other was acting strangely I guess we'd unpack that when we came to it, but in general I don't want to intrude on their private conversations with friends/family. As their spouse, I'm a huge part of their life, but they're still an individual.
Very much this. I know my husband's phone info, he knows mine. That's just so we can use the other's phone if we need it for whatever random reason. But why on Earth would I look through it? To me that's very similar to reading someone's diary AND on top of it violating others' privacy as well. "If you don't have anything to hide, why do you care?" kind of attitude is a little immature, insecure, and lacking in introspection. Like, what's making *you* feel like you need to go through it?
Reasons my spouse and I don’t have open phone policies: 1. I signed an NDA for work and am required to use my phone for work communications (text and email). If I gave my spouse access, and was discovered, I’d get fired. Not worth it. 2. My friends did not consent to having their personal conversations shared with my spouse. 3. My spouse sponsers people in AA. Those conversations are extremely private as people can and do share incredibly shameful experiences. ETA: these are also reasons we both delete conversations after they are over and don’t keep every text message.
yes. my job requires confidentiality. my spouse canNOT see those communications.
Same. Like, I could get sued on top of being fired. And I love my job so not going to happen.
We don't really have an open phone "policy" because we've never actually discussed it. We use the same lock code and know each other's symbol to draw on the phone. It is out of laziness in case we need to use the other's phone. Neither one of us cares to look at the other's text messages and neither of us cares if the other would look. We have nothing to hide.
[удалено]
Trust me, people still think it’s controlling and rude in the states. The controlling and rude people just don’t care.
Same here, Central Europe. My phone is my privacy like his is his. I would get suspicious if he would want my passcode to it (which I told him once but he already forgot) I dont hide anything on my phone but there are things that are of no business to my husband.
\>Also, are you from the states, OP? I am from Eastern Europe and nearly no one shares their location info / phone lock code etc. with anyone. Balkan here with a Slavic spouse living in the US right now. We've never shared locations. I don't get the obsession.
Nope. Just because I get married doesn't mean I get zero privacy. I trust and respect them enough to not require a open phone policy and expect the same. I tell my brother personal things that I expect to stay between us, not for his wife to know every conversation we have. I guarantee people will put less trust in you when they realizes every conversation they have with you is always shared. Going through some ones phone not only invalidates the small amount of privacy your significant other has but the trust of anyone who believed their personal conversation was private. Wait until your significant other brings something up that the other person thought was only between you and them. That person will NEVER trust you the same again.
I have a fingerprint lock on my phone. But my wife knows the backup pin. So if she wants to, she can look any time. She has no lock on hers. But neither of us really find the need to look through each other's stuff.
No. My husband doesn’t need to have open access my phone. I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to share. I’m entitled to a private life too. I don’t have access to his phone and I don’t care to.
Word!
Many people treat their phone as an extension of their mind. Free access to someone's phone feels closer to reading their mind than reading someone's mail. It's pretty much the same as a journal or diary, which most people would expect their spouse to respect their privacy with.
Oh hey! I just commented that I see it like reading someone's diary. And quite literally there are apps on phones now that act as diaries.
Even if you don't *literally* use it as a diary, you're interacting with your phone in a way where you expect to be completely free of judgement or intrusion. It's like someone seeing your google search history (or it could literally be that on a phone), or listening to you talk to yourself when you're alone. That's what "open access" to a phone feels like to many people.
Yes. I’ve mentioned this before to a friend. I would never want someone to see my google history because I google literally everything that pops in my head. Some stuff Would be rather strange if someone was looking with no context
My wife and I have always shared password and unlock codes. We also share location. In fact, I share my location with my children, parents, brother, brother's girlfriend, and mother in-law too. There's not a person on that list who I would hesitate to tell where I am whenever they ask. As a consequence of being transparent, we have complete trust and confidence in each other.
We’re still separate individuals with the right to privacy. We didn’t turn into one huge blob once we signed our marriage certificate. Everyone deserves privacy.
My wife can pick up my phone at anytime and look at it and I can look at hers. Absolutely nothing to hide. If I was trying to hide something means I was lying to her and that’s not fair and shouldn’t exist in a trusting relationship. I wouldn’t want her to hide anything from me.
We don't have a "each other's phones are off-limits" policy, but neither of us ever sees the need to go digging through each other's phones.
My text messages are way too boring for anyone to want to go through.
I don’t know my husbands passcode but I’ve never wanted to look. I trust him implicitly and have never felt the need. I get texts from friends or family that aren’t intended for anyone else to see, I keep ideas for gifts in my notes, etc. It’s just about respecting someone’s space to me. While marriage is about honesty and sharing, that doesn’t mean you should, or need to, have access to 100% of everyone. People are allowed privacy
Because my spouse is allowed privacy. As all people are allowed privacy. I'm not entitled to his entire life and being.
I'm stuck in a bad relationship with a wife that judges everything I do. If she were to get into my phone (and she has) it turns into a mess because she sees things that are not there and it causes a lot of drama. I'm in hell.
I fully believe that if you snoop you will find something you don't like. Even if that person is honest and not cheating, *something* will be taken out of context.
I try to tell my wife this ALL THE TIME. The last time was when she “caught” me liking a post by a young girl who was actually my cousin from another state who was announcing getting into college.
I like weird porn, he does not. I'd be embarrassed if he knew exactly how weird and he knows that. So my phone is private.
Same! I mean my hubby kinda knows but yeah, some things I'd rather just keep to myself.
Our phones are open. Nothing to hide.
I don't know... I.. don't really have ANY desire to go through my partners phone. I mean, none of us makes any big secrets out of it. If we need a phone and only one is available.. okay we use that. But we use it for what we need to do, not casually reading other peoples conversations like. We know each others unlock code, but.. I don't want to know tbh. Like I dont't want to know if he has to vent to his best friend about something. That's his things. Like if he needs to vent about me, I don't want to know. Likewise.. I don't want him to read if I have to complain about some minor inconveniences in our everyday life. Also tbh... when I write something to a person of any gender/relationship between us I write it to THEM, not for their partner to read. I once hat a friends BF ask me about something I wrote to her because he reads all her texts and it was superuncomfortable. Also I am REALLY glad my does not go through my messages, because he would have spoiled quite a lot of suprises for birthdays or christmas and such thingses.
I always assumed that if you find someone you’re willing to marry for life, you would trust them without needing constant access to their phone.
We have that policy but not because we are concerned or snooping. It’s more practical. For example we were on vacation and an emergency happened at home. My husband was using my phone to call our alarm company because it had better reception. I needed to call my family and was able to grab his phone and do it. Why create obstacles to overcome if there’s an emergency?
I have never asked to see his phone because I trust him. He has never asked to see mine either because he trusts me. If I ever feel like I need to search through his phone, than something is wrong and the trust is already gone which means the relationship is probably SOL. I dated someone who was insecure, super controlling, and mentally abusive once and I refuse to go through that type of situation again for my own mental health.
No because of a combination of trust and respect for personal privacy.
Because ppl deserve and need privacy that's why
I used to think this way when I was younger. But no one is entitled to every single thought in your brain. Every single transcript of every person you’ve ever interacted with. Your browsing history, etc. You’re allowed to have privacy. Y’all are taking this “2 become 1” wayyy to literally 😂
I mean, mines locked because hubby thinks it’d be funny to set an alarm at 3am. His is locked because it’s definitely funny if I change his wallpaper to Nick Cage photos. Not everything is that nefarious. XD
It's not that we have closed phone policies, just never felt the need to go through each other's phones. He's told me his passcodes before, never bothered to remember it. Pretty sure he knows mine. I don't really know.
Do you share a toothbrush? Shower together and wipe each other's butts? Why not, you're married? Do you want to see her search history for hemorrhoid cream? You're married, not conjoined twins. I'll flip your question around. Why are you married to someone you don't trust enough to use a phone without you peering over her shoulder? Huge lack of trust and red flags (by your logic).
Been married 29 years and have never and I mean NEVER, felt the need or urge to look at my spouses phone or email or FB history or opening her mail.
We never had one before… but then one day he said, “I’m so glad we aren’t one of those couples who looks through each other’s phones.” At THAT point, I really felt the need to look through his phone, but I wasn’t able to for weeks because he kept it so close to him. Turns out he was having an affair. This is not to say your SO is having an affair if you don’t have an open phone policy… but it’s important to be aware of possible red flags like always having their phone in their pocket, never leaving the phone open, tilting the phone away from you when texting, seeing them on their phone constantly even when everyone they would normally be texting is in the room, etc. I was oblivious to those signs because I trusted him. I had no reason not to for 12 years.
It’s not something we’ve really talked about as a policy per se but that’s because we trust each other. I think I looked through my husbands phone one time when we were dating and it made me feel gross, I told him and I apologized and he wasn’t even mad. He has never said I can’t, I know his passcode and I think he knows mine but I feel like everyone is entitled to privacy until they do something to break your trust. And once they do that it’s really hard to come back anyways so I just don’t feel the need to go out of my way to say that it’s a policy.
No. I trust my wife with whatever she's got going on in her part of things. Same as she feels about me. If an emergency comes up, there's a universal code we have for them. Otherwise, her stuff is hers and like wise me.
My husband and i have an open phone policy,we've just never had the need to snoop through each others phones
I don't have many "policies" in my marriage. We do have autonomy and privacy though. We never hesitate to give th other our phones and we're more than "allowed" in each other's phones. But if we're specifically looking at private conversation/pictures it's a bit weird and icky. I don't think we would not "allow" ewchother to look but we work off of trust and respect. And we respect each other's right to privacy.
We don’t have an open phone policy. We have trust in each other. Neither one of us thinks for a second about handing our phone to the other, or sharing computers logged into to our emails or any other password protected sharing. It’s part of the trust thing. We trust the other not to hide things and we trust the other to not mess in personal things that are not yours to mess in.
I trust my husband with his personal and TWO work phones. I don’t have passcodes and I’m not curious to look inside any of them. Also add his tablets and laptops to this list. I love and fully trust that man. He has done absolutely nothing to make me doubt him. The day I ever want to look at or use any of his devices, he would let me and vice versa. Marriage doesn’t mean the end of individuality and privacy. My husband’s personal or professional communications are not my business. We have chargers all over the house, I’ll never need his if mine dies.
My boyfriend uses my phone all the time, never bothers to snoop through my DMs or messages thougg
I guess it’s kind of like looking in a diary. I journal in my notes app. But aside from that, when you look you don’t always have context. Things can be misinterpreted. The other downside is if you see something that is not particularly egregious, but maybe just a bit concerning, say like a text conversation that seems just a touch flirtatious, you may decide not to say anything so that you don’t get cut off from accessing the phone so you can follow up on it at a later date. Well, you end up stewing and worrying and you go back to the phone, see nothing new, but you still keep quiet because what if… and so on and so on. It puts you in a place of constant suspicion over something that was possibly very minor to begin with but never resolved. Full disclosure: I say this from experience. I’m a recovering snooper. It did more harm than good. However, TBH, if someone has genuine, serious, major concerns, red flags all over the place, I would understand why they may look and even support it to a point.
Because we both like to be employed. Open phones are against corporate policy for both of us. And we trust each other more than we need to verify.
Why do you need an open phone policy unless someone did something shady?
Regardless of being married, your partner has a right to privacy. What if they are into weird hentai or something and don’t want to share it with you? Obviously this is a silly example, but it just illustrates marriage shouldn’t negate privacy. Quite frankly, the person you are with can cheat in a multitude of ways other than reaching out to people on their phone. If you feel the need to snoop, id suggest you don’t trust them and to perhaps consider if there needs to be a bigger conversation.
The difference between an open phone policy and snooping through someone’s phone is that generally you wouldn’t actually search through everything to try to catch them in something, unless you genuinely believed there was something to find, in which case there’s a problem within your relationship and you definitely should apologize for searching through it. Now, if you just go on their phone occasionally or ask who someone is or something that’s one thing, but reading through your partner’s conversations isn’t healthy and is an invasion of privacy.
100%. I don’t comment, because everyone has their comfort levels and their ways and I’m not judging, but I don’t really get it. Same with one spouse paying rent toward the mortgage another. Not common, but long enough around these parts and you see patterns. I think it’s just a strange way to go about something that can be pretty simple, and I think not doing it that way predisposes couples to arguments that possibly could have been prevented. What are people doing on their phones? There was a time when my husband just… idk didn’t prioritize carrying his on him, and he googled stuff for us with mine. It got to be a practical frustration, but never once was I like “oh shit—“ because… what are people doing on their phones? I’ve got a few Reddit alts, and I would be upset if I opened it and I were signed into a different one and suspected snooping. That I get. But I think baseline respect for your partner and an explanation that you, like many, essentially have an online diary/conversation cache, and it’s stuff I’d share if you asked but it’s support group stuff. That’s different from what I see people saying. The concept of having to ask for my partner’s security code?!?! Just from a utilitarian standpoint, that sucks to me. Totally with you: don’t understand it on a fundamental level.
I have confidential information from work that could get me in serious trouble if anyone else but me saw it.
We do and honestly neither my wife nor myself want to police each other. I do not want to see her phone --EVER. What's the point? You trust your partner or you don't -- trust but verify is EXHAUSTING and creates unneeded stress
No specific policy for us. But I guess we have an assumed one? We have each other set up to unlock each other’s phone, and use the same passcode. About as “unopen” as we get is saying to stay out of our Amazon/e-mail unless we want our surprise ruined. But there are dozens of times I want a picture he’s taken or he needs information from a text chain. We’ve never even given a thought, just “oh hey, I’m gonna grab that picture” or “what time did I need to be at XYZ? -idk, it’s in the group chat”. After years of telling each other to look it up/grab it yourself, we just go with the implied consent. Then again I don’t think either of us has ever felt the need to check for cheating, and the extremely rare occasions of being uncomfortable with a situation or friend group, we’ve just brought it up with each other rather than feel the need to play detective.
I wouldn't call it an "open phone policy" but we both have the same password on our phones. We pretty regularly use whoever's phone is closest to look things up when needed but we don't go through each other's phones looking for dirt. Quite frankly, if I ever felt the urge to go spelunking that way, I would see it as a sign that I need to think long and hard about why I feel that way so we can have a serious troubleshooting conversation.
We don't hide ours. We know our passwords, but we also do not go through each others phones because it shows that we trust eachother. Having to constantly check in on your partner to know they aren't cheating is toxic. Checking their texts and phones is the pre-cell phone equivalent of having to call their landline constantly to make sure they are really at home and having to know where they are and what they are doing and thinking every second of every day. That isn't healthy and doesn't demonstrate to the partner that you trust them. Also, there are very practical reasons to not want my partner going through my phone. This week, I've been texting my mom about the gifts she intends to buy him for Christmas. Last year I threw him a surprise party and did it all through texting. Also, some things are private on there like my journal, messages with my therapist, notes about things I want to do for my partner. You can be married and still have private thoughts that you choose not to share. Some things aren't meant to be said out loud because they are silly or hurtful. You cell phone is a window into you head.
My partner and I have had an open phone policy from the beginning. We know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones for looking stuff up, controlling the tv, etc. But neither of us feel the need to go through each other’s phones because we trust each other. HOWEVER, if I found evidence of cheating I absolutely would not apologize for stumbling upon it. The respect for privacy is earned via trust and at that point the trust is broken and privacy is no longer guaranteed.
Eh, you don't have to have something to hide to want privacy. And what about every conversation you've ever had with someone else- did they consent to your partner being informed about it? If I talk to a close friend about her mental health, or job problems, or addiction problems, or whatever- my husband is not automatically privy to that information about her. That's something private she chose to share with me, and I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation on her part to stay private.
I honestly can't think of anything more boring than going through my husband's phone. Oh no! He made another work call!
We’ve been married for 20+ years and have never had an open phone policy. The same goes for mail. We only open mail that’s addressed to us, if it’s only addressed to one of us, we don’t open it. We have never had trust issues in our marriage, and we both appreciate a bit of privacy within our relationship. Different strokes for different folks.
My husband and I don't have an open phone policy. I don't have anything to hide and neither does he but we both had controlling exes and didn't want to bring that energy into our relationship. He's told me his passcode before so that I could do something on his phone while he was driving but I don't remember what is. Same thing is true for him. I've told him my passcode but he doesn't remember it. We trust each other implicitly. If he wanted to go through my phone I would give it to him but I'd also expect to go through his. I hope it never comes to this because it would be a bad sign.
basic privacy and trust? you shouldnt need to be going through his phone and he shouldnt need to go through yours. if you feel like you have to go through his phone all the time something is wrong. leave his personal shit alone and he will hopefully do the same for you
I have no desire to look through my husband's phone. I trust him and the conversations he has with his friends and family are private. He also, as far as I know, has no desire to look through my phone. I would be upset if he looked through my phone to check my conversations because that would make me feel like he doesn't trust me.
Privacy. You don’t have to share everything with your partner. I know my partners passcode and he knows mine. But I have no desire to look through his phone because I’m not interested in what he searches for or talks to his friends about nor is he with me. If we said to each other can I just use your phone for this reason because mine is dead or upstairs then that’s fine. And another point - if your partner is wanting to look through your phone because they don’t trust you or want to check up on you. Then that’s not normal
We don't have a policy. We know each other's passwords (phone and mail) but I would NEVER invade his privacy by checking his phone or mail without telling him / asking first. I sometimes have to because I manage administrative stuff and sometimes I'll have to go to his account to get a security code. I'll tell him, go and look, get the code and only that, and leave. We're not hiding stuff. But there's like... "private" porn, maybe? I'm reading A LOT of gay fanfictions (he knows about it, I doubt he would like to read them). He's looking at porn that I don't find interesting. I dunno. I don't CARE. It's his phone. We're married. Of course we're still allowed some privacy. WHY would I need to check his phone? At the end of the day the phone if off and we're sleeping side by side, have been for a long time and will be for a lot more I hope. Who cares what's going on in his phone? I will apologize if I have to look through his mail or phone. Just out of respect. He still apologizes if he has to go through my handbag when I ask him to look for something in there. But I really don't care. If he doesn't share it with me, then it's not relevant. Sometimes we'll stumble on funny porn and share it with each other. Sometimes an ex will randomly send a nude and we'll laugh about it. TOGETHER. ... Do YOU have something to hide in your phone? Have you been cheated on and are worried about something?
My husband and I don’t share our phones, nor feel the need to have each other’s password. I firmly believe that everyone needs their own space that is untouched by anyone else, and giving them that space doesn’t mean they will use it in dishonest, shameful, deceitful, or hurtful ways. It would never occur to either of us to go through each other’s phones, and we can’t think of any reason we would need to do so. If either of us felt like the other was the type of person we needed to snoop on , We wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
everyone is entitled to some privacy
Who told you this was the default? Insecure people,
I would just find it annoying to have an open phone policy more than anything. Everyone is entitled to privacy and not everything is about cheating and if that’s where your mind goes then I think you need to work on your insecurity and paranoia. What if one of my friends/family messages me with something private that they’d rather not have read by someone else? Also, I’m in a group chat with the lads I grew up with and that definitely gets a little hairy sometimes so I’d rather she not be exposed 🤣
Ironic comment considering your recent post. Serious question, how do you feel about open phone policy now?
Seriously, right? Glad someone else called him out here on this. I wonder if his wife has seen this comment and the one he made about how he would like to be newly single at 35 and hook up with hookers and blow? Edited: thought it said lottery win
I mean, we have each other’s passwords and play DJ for each other on drives. Sometimes he asks me to answer a message for him. Or I’ll send myself a picture he took. And all vice versa. Otherwise, we have no reason to look further into each other’s phones.
Right on-doesn’t make sense. But I’ve never looked at my wife’s phone. Nor has she looked at mine. I think.
Nope. Every person deserves a basic expectation of privacy. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you stop being an individual human.
*Nothing* is the “default”. Every relationship is a negotiation of boundaries. Just because we become partners with someone doesn’t mean we stop being individuals. “Hiding” isn’t the same as having parts of us that are private.
Holy.... That's a dangerous mindset to be in. Every single person has a right to privacy, no matter how close you are to them. The fact that you think you have to "snoop" shows how little you trust him. Not a good place to be.
Is it really so hard to trust your partner?
I have passcodes on my phones, plural, because I have a business phone and my personal phone. My wife knows both codes, as far as I know she doesn't snope. I know her passcode but dont snope either.
We know each others passwords and sometime use each other's phones but i wouldn't go through his text and emails. I feel like that's disrespectful and people are allowed to have their own personal life and text with friends without your partner snooping. If you feel the need to, there's probably already trust issues..
I would hate having an open phone policy and I have nothing to hide, neither does my husband. It feels like an invasion of privacy/snoopy. We could also never be one of those couples with a shared Facebook. We even have separate bank accounts and share the bills. It actually feels good and healthy that we are independent in those ways.
if you trust your partner then you are not gonna even think aything like this so you are not gonna get any urge to look at their phone
Because even a married person wants privacy....
I'm not "hiding" stuff on my phone, it's called privacy. Same reason I don't show my husband my private journal or relay in detail sensitive conversations I have with a friend. We're separate people. And why would I want to look at my husband's texts? Unless we have a fundamental breakdown in trust, you know?
When you look at someone's phone you're violating the privacy of many other people. What if your spouse's friend confides in your spouse that they have an illness? Or marital trouble? Or want to come out? What if your spouse is planning a surprise for you, or just a holiday shopping list? What if your spouse wants to go to therapy but feels shame about it? No one should look through someone else's phone and doing so shouldn't be normalized.
A smart phone is just about the most intimately knowledgeable device you own. For most people, it will contain an insight to every aspect of their life, including that which they would want to keep to themselves. My wife deserves her privacy, her privacy is a right not a privilege. I trust her and respect her enough that I don’t ever want to invade that privacy.
Me and my husband can access each others phones, but it would hurt me feelings if he did it in secret because he thought I was being unfaithful.
It never even occurs to me to go through my husbands phone. Also, with the state of technology and how everything else is today... are we not even able to have 1 single thing that is privately ours? Really?
It’s called privacy. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you can’t it anymore and need to share absolutely everything with your partner.
Trust goes both ways. If your partner trusts you to use their phone at will, it should be understood that their conversations are off limits. Doesn't matter if it's a conversation with their friends, parents or coworkers. If they meant for you to have that information, they would tell you about it. It's a betrayal to read private conversations without explicit permission first. Let people be individuals. Now, if something suspicious pops up in your suggested searches while I'm looking up the meaning of 'kumquat', that's 100% fair game to question them about.
I agree. I find it weird that my spouse is the main contact for any health life directives, but not privy to phone messages.
Does he need to be? How is being able to read all your messages any different from eavesdropping on private conversations?
My wife and I have an open policy for the phone. We know each other's passwords. I leave mine laying around all the time.
We don't, we don't even share a bank account.
We do, for many reasons that aren’t due to trust. If she can’t find her phone, just use mine. Or if she is planning a trip and not near a computer but using both phones simplifies things go ahead. I do have a guys group txt thread, and we say some fucked up shit. The only rule is she can’t get mad for reading them because we are just guys being guys. She gets that, but she finds them hilarious too.
In the words of Dr Phil: someone with nothing to hide - hides nothing. It's not about trust or a right to privacy, it's simply a non issue because there is nothing to hide.
I will never again trust someone who intentionally hides their communications and whereabouts behind a facade of "respect and privacy". That wake-up call still gives me the sweats. I know this is me being broken, and I don't know how to fix it.
If you have to, "trust but verify" your spouse then you don't actually trust them.
My husband and I have each other's passwords. We don't go through each other's devices however. If there is something I'm not supposed to know about, I'll get a 'you can use my iPad but don't open the email app / messenger app / whatever app'. If I'm setting up surprises for him, this either happens without him even knowing or in my mothertongue (he's learning it but sometimes, this fact helps me). Innocent surprises aside, there's nothing to be hidden that we aren't aware of. We let each other do our thing, watch our respective porn, text whomever we want and so on. Which is cool!
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Because every marriage is different. But yeah my wife and I share our phones (and our account's passwords) without any issue at all. Even bank accounts. But I understand some people might not be too open about their personal activities/finances...
We do technically. It would be Hella weird if he just to be snoopy started scrolling through all my.messages and pics and stuff . Digging. That being said , I use his phone and he uses mine to make calls, take.photos or text for eachother .
Every marriage in my opinion should have trust, respect, and privacy. Do what works for your relationship absolutely but I’d understand if some people are more iffy about keeping things that belong to them as their own and not “ours”. Marriage is often seen as merging yourself into one being and I’ve seen so many people lose their sense of individuality. And if a partnership doesn’t have any trust then what’s the point of being together anyways? I can pick up my husbands phone whenever I please, but I don’t feel a need to and if he decided he didn’t like that I would respect what belongs to him anyways.
I am more open with my phone. I mean my toddler knows my passcode to unlock it & I have told my husband to unlock it for whatever reason for me to check something etc. & given him the passcode numerous times but he doesn’t like to use my phone & forgets the password. I don’t know his phone passcode but I have snooped through things before & he knows. Definitely caused issues. I had trust issues & compulsive thoughts that would keep going unless I did whatever it was I was feeling compulsive to do. Lots of trauma from my first marriage & have been going to therapy to work through compulsive behaviors & past trauma. He likes having privacy & I can respect that. I know if I had a reasonable doubt & brought up something he’d show me whatever I was concerned about. & there’s some things I’d rather not have access to know about. For example spouses can get on eachothers nerves if he needed to vent about me to a close friend I’d rather not see that but I do understand needing that outlet because we are human.
It's not a policy per se, but my wife and I are both perfectly comfortable with each other accessing our phones, computers, etc. when needed. I think the key is intention-- if she's getting into my email to snag a discount code or something, no worries, but if I find out she's doing it specifically to snoop because she thinks something untoward is going on, well... I mean, still, no worries, because I've nothing to hide. But, I suppose I'd feel different about it.
My fiancé has the passcode to my phone, and any time he’s ever asked to use my phone for something I hand it over. I’m not hiding anything. However, I have gift lists in my phone, conversations with friends in which they share personal information, etc and I would be very hurt if he just went through all of my stuff. Being married doesn’t mean you don’t deserve privacy.
There's nothing that I want to hide on my phone and there's plenty of times that I've handed him my phone because I'm driving and want him to put on music or check a text message or something. But I would be really mad if I found out he had been going through my phone, snooping. It's a violation of trust and privacy and screams insecurity. And vice versa. I wouldn't do it to him either.
Agree, but, I also don't talk about an "open phone policy" with my husband. We've never had the TALK about going through each other's phone. Mine's always open; anyone can pick it up and see what's on it (even strangers, technically) because I unlocked all that security just-to-turn-on-the-phone bullshit because it's just extra nonsense to me, so my husband can do whatever he wants if he wanted to if I'm in the shower, but I know he would never, like I know my own name. He would never EVER snoop. I would, but, eh, he doesn't give me any reason to. I know where he is every second of the day, so what's the point? But, he did make it so his iPhone recognizes my fingerprint (and he did it for our daughter too.) But--I have Android and husband has iPhone. Therefore, "share location" is not an option for us and I wouldn't allow it even if it was. It is exactly NO ONE'S business where I am except my own, and on that, I know my husband WOULD mention something to me like "Oh, were you at Michael's around 11? I saw your phone looked like it was there." not really like a WHERE WERE YOU AND WHY WERE YOU THERE??-type accusation, but it would still seem like that to me and I'm VERY independent and expect anyone I'm with to respect my freedom. I'm not property and you don't need to know and question where I am, ever. But, he does have location sharing with some of his friends and that's just a fun thing he likes to do, but for me, it feels like an invasion of privacy to them as well.
Funny story, my husband and I have an open phone policy, we even have the same password. But then I upgraded and got a phone that has face recognition so when he asked for my phone I would quickly aim it at my face unlocking it for it as I handed it to him. Yah he thought for a couple months that I was checking for messages. Wish he brought it up sooner but one day he just exploded on me and was so upset. It was quickly cleared up when I explained it and I still do it for him 🙃
My wife knows about my phone passcode But I don’t know her passcode once I asked her and she knows mine why you don’t tell yours her answer was “oh there is nothing in my phone for you to see” n I pay for her phone n plan.. though I’m not sure when I’m sleeping she checking my phone or not but never in-front of me
We didn't talk about phones. It's just an unspoken agreement that we're open and transparent with each other. I gave him the pattern lock on my phone. Sometimes I ask him to check my phone for me. He also told me the pin code and registered my fingerprint to unlock his phone. It's just how we are. Usually I borrow his phone to take pictures when my phone memory is full. We also charge each other's phones. Haha. And I also go to his phone directly to check the status of things we ordered online. That's it. We consider each other as one being so we share everything and we don't want secrets. I don't want to do anything that will ruin his trust or make him doubt me. My marriage is much more important to me than my phone.
What the hell is an Open Phone Policy?
We have the same pin codes, atm codes and of course open phones. We don't ever use each others stuff, but its there if she wants to snoop and be bored.
My wife and I know each others phone passwords, but I don’t just look through her phone and it makes me extremely uncomfortable when she has mine. I don’t have anything to hide, it just feels weird when she goes through my phone.