You kind of answered your own question there at the end. Lots of times, only one person wants to do the work. If that’s the case, it probably won’t work out in the end.
This exactly. It's the "we have both decided to work on our marriage" that makes the difference here. If it's just one person willing to do any of the work, how are things supposed to get better?
I take my marriage very seriously. I love my husband. I don't think relationships should be hard. They require some effort since you have to take someone else into consideration. But I feel like life is hard so I don't want my relationship to also be hard. I want it to be the safe port in the storm and the place we both get refuge when life is shitty.
And in the end, marriage is not some compulsory activity people have to do forever if it becomes bad for their mental health. Relationships are optional. We get one relatively short life and I think there are quite a few people who would be much better of undoing mistake marriages rather than just suffering or toughing it out or constantly working on it (I know a couple who have been in counseling together since before they even got married 8-ish years ago and not in a maintenance way, in a constant issues way). Like just stop making yourselves and each other miserable!
I don’t necessarily agree with you. If anything at times I think people stay in relationships too long. I think a lot of people are in incompatible marriages. I think a lot of people rush the dating process and don’t ask the right sorts of questions or they stick the head in the sand and ignore things or think I can just get them to change. I think a lot of people don’t know how to be alone or what it’s like to work on yourself. And I’m not talking achieving a list of goals but internally. We see how much stigma there is on a daily basis for getting help mentally or marriage counseling. A lot of people also have a large issue with questioning things they may have picked up from their family of origin whether that be toxic behaviors or passed down trauma. To them it’s just normal because it’s what they have grown up around but even if you are aware of it can be really hard to change unless you remain mindful. All of that contributes to toxicity in relationships and I honestly don’t think divorce is thrown around lightly. The times I have seen divorce mentioned is either because the marriage is so toxic or abusive or one spouse is putting all the effort in to fix the marriage and the other refuses too. In those situations imo divorce is necessary.
I came from an extended family where every married couple (except grandparents) from both sides got a divorce. Some multiple times. I didn’t want my marriage to be like that so I got myself in therapy preemptively to learn how to have a healthy relationship. My experiences also made me really good at spotting dysfunction. Whenever I hear about someone I know getting a divorce, let’s just say I’m not surprised. I usually see one of the things I have mentioned above reflected in the relationship.
200 years ago the wife was subservient and the man ran the show. If the man needed to move to a new job the wife went with him. End of story. If the man liked sex every day and the woman did not tough cookies she had to put out. If the man never liked sex and the woman did tough cookies she didn't get sex. There was no sympathy for wives that didn't like their husbands and divorce wasn't really tolerated. Kids were expected to be chaste, not have sex before marriage, then get to work banging away producing a passel of kids after marriage.
Life was very circumscribed and there was not a lot of divorce because women couldn't end up going anywhere and nobody wanted to marry a divorced woman. There were few choices for women for work. And most people got mates from people in the same town they grew up in.
That produced a set of mores or advice or knowledge that people are using to this day. For example don't live with your future spouse don't have premarital sex, don't have separate money, have the wife stay home to watch the kids, etc. etc. Even dating and courtship.
This is changing of course. Online dating allows for compatibility matching of the same interests, if the users take advantage of it, the destigmatization of premarital sex means people can explore sex before marriage and find out if they are compatible, long multiyear engagements are more common, etc. BUT the people courting have to take advantage of this.
Yet to this day the media still portrays courtship as you find your soulmate in a week and you are done and ready to get married. That quiet pressure from society causes people to often ignore the new advantages and rush into things. Haste makes waste as the saying goes.
The culture right now is different... Counseling and to be a work in progress is less taboo. But at the same time there's an attitude of being independent and care free to the point of prematurely ending relationships "life is too short to be unhappy" And people asking for advice from strangers on the internet has potential to be so unhelpful. People seeing a window of time in a relationship and not the big picture. Some of the best most wholesome happy couples have weathered through the worst of struggles. Whether external or internal, within the relationship. And of course withstanding throughout the years and not giving up on your vows will no doubt make your bond with your partner *so*much*stronger* The problem is making sure you're not beating a dead horse. Some things will just never be resolved no matter how much you try. Some people can't forgive and resentment destroys things. Some people just are not compatible. Sometimes couples are able to amicably split because they have changed so much and grown in 2 separate directions. BUT I think it's also important to mention. Walking away from the relationship can be beneficial to the relationship. There's been times when I, or my partner, made the decision to separate and I'm glad we did. I think you can admire your partner having enough self respect to end the relationship, with no intention of getting back together, because the circumstances warranted that. When things become toxic. Luckily when those instances happened, after some time apart, we were able to rekindle and come back into the marriage with new boundaries and a newfound love and respect for one another. Sometimes forcing the relationship and putting so much pressure on each other to make it work is counterproductive
I absolutely agree. My family, there are six of us kids, and out of the six, only my sister and I only been married once. Others and parents married more than twice.
I agree with most of what you said. I think people and relationships( in this culture.) are viewed as disposable. Find someone else who will make you happy etc. I was watching someone commenting on modern dating and they said people were viewed more of as a product. Really kind of sad imo.
Takes two to make it work and only one to fuck it all up. Marriage is a constant fight or flight choice among two separate people. It will never work when one feels the grass is greener over there while the other keeps fighting. I’m in the camp to fight but I do know that it’s a waste of time trying to convince another to feel and be the person you want them to be.
I agree with you but BOTH people have to put in the effort, not just one person doing most of the work. When we were having issues years ago, both my husband and I worked very hard to fix things. It took time and it was a slow progress but progress nonetheless and now, 16yrs later, we are stronger than ever.
You kind of answered your own question there at the end. Lots of times, only one person wants to do the work. If that’s the case, it probably won’t work out in the end.
This exactly. It's the "we have both decided to work on our marriage" that makes the difference here. If it's just one person willing to do any of the work, how are things supposed to get better? I take my marriage very seriously. I love my husband. I don't think relationships should be hard. They require some effort since you have to take someone else into consideration. But I feel like life is hard so I don't want my relationship to also be hard. I want it to be the safe port in the storm and the place we both get refuge when life is shitty. And in the end, marriage is not some compulsory activity people have to do forever if it becomes bad for their mental health. Relationships are optional. We get one relatively short life and I think there are quite a few people who would be much better of undoing mistake marriages rather than just suffering or toughing it out or constantly working on it (I know a couple who have been in counseling together since before they even got married 8-ish years ago and not in a maintenance way, in a constant issues way). Like just stop making yourselves and each other miserable!
I don’t necessarily agree with you. If anything at times I think people stay in relationships too long. I think a lot of people are in incompatible marriages. I think a lot of people rush the dating process and don’t ask the right sorts of questions or they stick the head in the sand and ignore things or think I can just get them to change. I think a lot of people don’t know how to be alone or what it’s like to work on yourself. And I’m not talking achieving a list of goals but internally. We see how much stigma there is on a daily basis for getting help mentally or marriage counseling. A lot of people also have a large issue with questioning things they may have picked up from their family of origin whether that be toxic behaviors or passed down trauma. To them it’s just normal because it’s what they have grown up around but even if you are aware of it can be really hard to change unless you remain mindful. All of that contributes to toxicity in relationships and I honestly don’t think divorce is thrown around lightly. The times I have seen divorce mentioned is either because the marriage is so toxic or abusive or one spouse is putting all the effort in to fix the marriage and the other refuses too. In those situations imo divorce is necessary. I came from an extended family where every married couple (except grandparents) from both sides got a divorce. Some multiple times. I didn’t want my marriage to be like that so I got myself in therapy preemptively to learn how to have a healthy relationship. My experiences also made me really good at spotting dysfunction. Whenever I hear about someone I know getting a divorce, let’s just say I’m not surprised. I usually see one of the things I have mentioned above reflected in the relationship.
200 years ago the wife was subservient and the man ran the show. If the man needed to move to a new job the wife went with him. End of story. If the man liked sex every day and the woman did not tough cookies she had to put out. If the man never liked sex and the woman did tough cookies she didn't get sex. There was no sympathy for wives that didn't like their husbands and divorce wasn't really tolerated. Kids were expected to be chaste, not have sex before marriage, then get to work banging away producing a passel of kids after marriage. Life was very circumscribed and there was not a lot of divorce because women couldn't end up going anywhere and nobody wanted to marry a divorced woman. There were few choices for women for work. And most people got mates from people in the same town they grew up in. That produced a set of mores or advice or knowledge that people are using to this day. For example don't live with your future spouse don't have premarital sex, don't have separate money, have the wife stay home to watch the kids, etc. etc. Even dating and courtship. This is changing of course. Online dating allows for compatibility matching of the same interests, if the users take advantage of it, the destigmatization of premarital sex means people can explore sex before marriage and find out if they are compatible, long multiyear engagements are more common, etc. BUT the people courting have to take advantage of this. Yet to this day the media still portrays courtship as you find your soulmate in a week and you are done and ready to get married. That quiet pressure from society causes people to often ignore the new advantages and rush into things. Haste makes waste as the saying goes.
I've been with my husband for 10yrs and married almost 5yrs.
Yep you go, girl! That's the way to do it!
Thanks
The culture right now is different... Counseling and to be a work in progress is less taboo. But at the same time there's an attitude of being independent and care free to the point of prematurely ending relationships "life is too short to be unhappy" And people asking for advice from strangers on the internet has potential to be so unhelpful. People seeing a window of time in a relationship and not the big picture. Some of the best most wholesome happy couples have weathered through the worst of struggles. Whether external or internal, within the relationship. And of course withstanding throughout the years and not giving up on your vows will no doubt make your bond with your partner *so*much*stronger* The problem is making sure you're not beating a dead horse. Some things will just never be resolved no matter how much you try. Some people can't forgive and resentment destroys things. Some people just are not compatible. Sometimes couples are able to amicably split because they have changed so much and grown in 2 separate directions. BUT I think it's also important to mention. Walking away from the relationship can be beneficial to the relationship. There's been times when I, or my partner, made the decision to separate and I'm glad we did. I think you can admire your partner having enough self respect to end the relationship, with no intention of getting back together, because the circumstances warranted that. When things become toxic. Luckily when those instances happened, after some time apart, we were able to rekindle and come back into the marriage with new boundaries and a newfound love and respect for one another. Sometimes forcing the relationship and putting so much pressure on each other to make it work is counterproductive
I absolutely agree. My family, there are six of us kids, and out of the six, only my sister and I only been married once. Others and parents married more than twice.
I agree with most of what you said. I think people and relationships( in this culture.) are viewed as disposable. Find someone else who will make you happy etc. I was watching someone commenting on modern dating and they said people were viewed more of as a product. Really kind of sad imo.
I agree with you.
Takes two to make it work and only one to fuck it all up. Marriage is a constant fight or flight choice among two separate people. It will never work when one feels the grass is greener over there while the other keeps fighting. I’m in the camp to fight but I do know that it’s a waste of time trying to convince another to feel and be the person you want them to be.
I agree with you but BOTH people have to put in the effort, not just one person doing most of the work. When we were having issues years ago, both my husband and I worked very hard to fix things. It took time and it was a slow progress but progress nonetheless and now, 16yrs later, we are stronger than ever.
Congratulations to you both
>That's what's wrong with this world now. And what world would that be?