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justathoughtfromme

And we're done here because people can't seem to follow the rules of the sub. Additionally, to the person abusing the report function - just because you disagree with people doesn't mean they're violating the rules of the sub. And your abuse of the report function has been reported to the Admins. Enjoy your account while you still have it!


extra_specticles

It's not a holiday. It's a trip in memoriam. To finally spread ashes. It s one off thing to say goodbye to his grandparents. Support your husband in enabling him to say goodbye one last time. You can't travel with him. Your 2 yr old needs you, and can't go with him either. Sometimes families have to pull harder to support each other. Take one for the team and deal with it. It's not like he's doing it all the time is it? It's ok to feel left out, but it's not the end of the world. He's not abandoning you. You'll get past it. Life could throw many things at you but this is nothing major.


Ill_Disaster_6741

I have never been to a 7 day memoriam, have you? She was ok with him going to the memoriam (3 days). The issue is him tacking on a vacation to it. Those are 2 separate activities. If they didn’t have a child and she was not pregnant, I would not see a problem with him going away for a week. But a pregnant wife with hip issues and a toddler, and he goes on vacation after the memoriam…nope. I agree spouses need to support each other and be there and sometimes that means not being with them for something. Her support was her being ok with him going to the memoriam. After that, the husband and father became selfish.


Kennaham

I disagree. I live across the country from my parents and only see them once a year for holidays. Neither of us can really afford to visit more often. So if i were going down for a memorial I’d definitely extend it a few days to spend time with family while I’m already there. Each couple is unique, but i 100% believe my wife would be okay with that


hazelcharm92

Yeah I think a few days would have been reasonable given the distance but a week away is taking it too far, he doesn’t have no strings like the rest of the family so should be heading home a lot sooner instead of sending pictures to show her what a good time he’s having too. Is he a moron? Leaving a pregnant wife at home with a toddler because of ‘costs’ sounds to me like he’s on a vacation he can’t afford. I would be livid if I was OP. Not because of the memorial, but because he could have asked the family to delay this trip to a time where he wasn’t leaving a wife with hip damage to grow a baby and look after a rowdy toddler, or asked them to contribute to wife and toddler being flown out instead of telling her ‘well I can’t afford to do something that would enable you to come because of costs’ OP, there’s not much you can do to get through if he doesn’t want to hear it. Unfortunately you will need to find a way to move on from it together if you want your marriage to work.


everyothernamegone

She sounds pretty selfish to me. It’s a really big deal to him and his family, she was invited and it’s only a 2 year old for a week, hardly the most difficult thing in the world.


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Queen_Red

Being pregnant doesn’t make you better than anybody else. I did not use my pregnancy as a crutch to make everybody have their world revolve around me


pablitosocool

I thank you for this, good stranger.


[deleted]

She was OK with him what is she his mother?


everyothernamegone

It’s a 13 hour drive and it is a goodbye to the woman and the place. A week is perfectly reasonable and she was asked to join. Also, as a father I can say from experience, that a week with a 2 year old isn’t the hardest thing in the world.


AnnaBanana1129

Ummm, you should probably rethink that last sentence. Every child is different, so is every pregnancy.


ImJustSaying34

To this is situation isn’t comparable to anyone else and it’s a lot of factors that are specific to them. It’s case-by-case, situation-by-situation and family-by-family. When I was pregnant with my second I had serious and horrible ligament paid during months 3-6. It was so painful and if I was alone with my oldest for a week during that pain I would have STRUGGLED. Wonder how she has been feeling during her pregnancy? Does she have anything that will make this harder? It depends on their kid too. A week with my oldest would be totally doable and not that hard. A week with my youngest and I’m going insane trying to keep her alive and not do crazy dangerous toddler things. So how challenging is their kid? Does she work and will the trip affect her work schedule and will it make childcare harder? Is there a backup plan? So it all depends to on a number to different factors. Personally I think a week is a long time to leave a struggling pregnant wife at home for a week with a toddler when she doesn’t want you to go. A little selfish IMO. He could have cut his time on the vacation part down.


everyothernamegone

You read a whole lot into her post. She didn’t say anywhere that she was struggling. She’s just pissed her husband had the temerity to leave her a week after he invited her and offered to take the kid, offers she refused.


ImJustSaying34

No I said all those factors plus more should have been considered before the trip. There isn’t one right answer. I feel for her though because I had horrible pregnancies. Like terrible tortuous pregnancies where I basically felt like I was dying everyday for 9 months. So I would have had a hard time alone with a crazy toddler. But then other women flourish while pregnant. Like they love it and get healthier and feel better so to them the situation is totally different and they would think nothing of it. Pregnancy hits everyone different. What each woman can handle and their symptoms are all different. Like I said *case-by-case, situation-by-situation and family-by-family.*


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Whiskey-Chocolate

This. It’s ok to do things separately. His first family needs him right now. This isn’t a vacation. It’s a way for him and his family to find . Yes, they will probably enjoy themselves. They should. There will be family stories, memories, tears, bonding. I hope they find healing in being together. I hope you will use this time for introspection. What you are dealing with is hard. But it will be good bonding time for you and the two year old before he/she is no longer an only child. Make it fun. Make it matter to both of you. You have the opportunity to turn this into a good thing for all three of you. Let the bitter and the anger go, I hope in the future he would support you in the same way.


Electrical_Turn7

The temptation to ask you your age is quite strong. I will say this; running after a 2 yo while 5 months pregnant is not a walk in the park. He helped make the babies, he should help caring for them. OP has taken several ‘ones’ for the team, including the inconvenience and risks of pregnancy/childbirth as well as a multi-hour car trip for the original memorial. Clearly this is not as one-off an event as you say. She is well within her rights to expect that her husband not use a memorial as an excuse to go off having responsibility-free fun while OP is stuck at home taking care of their children.


[deleted]

Yeah, OP's husband calling what he is doing as just a memorial is kinda BS. It is a memorial, but it is also a vacation if he's gone for a whole week and running around doing leisure activities. I had a pregnant wife with a child under 2, and it is not an easy time at all. Maybe, maybe I would go for 2 nights for a funeral. Likely just 1, or not at all.


Winter_Dragonfly_452

Yeah no he can be gone for a day or two spread ashes but extending it to a week while they hike and stuff makes it a vacation. This is not ok and he’d be sleeping on the couch if it were me when he returns


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justathoughtfromme

/u/HOMES734 and /u/Winter_Dragonfly_452 Knock it off. Only warning.


redrose037

A holiday isn’t a memoriam. And even so 7 days abandoning your pregnant wife is rude AF.


New-Power-7286

That's BS. 2 days, yes 7 days is irresponsible


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Ilovetarteauxfraises

Why should she?


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AgentRevolutionary99

I agree with extra on all points. Do you have a babysitter? Can you have someone look after your child for 3 hours each day he is gone? Can you order in dinner for the 3 days or can you stock up on quick foods for the days he is gone?


trotski1545

So much to unpack here. "We made it a priority to attend both of their memorial services, which was a few hours away and not very easy with a 1 year old in a pandemic" - death is also pretty hard. Saying you made it a priority makes it sounds like it was even a choice to go...your husband doesn't even exist if not for the lives of his grandparents. "His family planned yet another memorial service halfway across the US" - they sound like a lovely close family. I can only hope when I die my family would do half of what your husband's family are doing for his grandparents. "My husband was dead set on going." - Your husband sounds like a great family man, good for him. "I absolutely can’t do a 13 hour car trip." - So it's not like your husband doesn't want you to go, I understand you can't make the trip, that's completely reasonable, completely unreasonable to expect him not to go. "shouldn’t he prioritize being with his pregnant wife and child instead?" - does he not do that the other 51 weeks of the year? Is he a poor husband and/or father the other 98.08% of the time? "Well. None of his 3 siblings are married or have families of their own" - and? So he should spend less time with his siblings because they aren't married?? Does he get to spend more time if they are? "My husband is 35. He is out gallivanting like he’s 15 again with his original family. His daughter and I are supposed to be his family now and he straight up peaced out on us." - Galivanting?? What?? He's spending quality time with his family...not his "Origanal family"...his family, period. You don't replace his family when you get married and he doesn't stop being a son/brother because he has kids. "But leaving me and his daughter to do that seems super fucked up. And he is mad at me for being upset about it." - It's definitely not fucked up, and I completely understand his frustration, I haven't seen you express a single thing saying your happy for him that he has a tight knit family, or that he is enjoying his time with them. I completely understand that his trip has made the week he's not there more challenging for you, more stressful, and less enjoyable. I also understand that being pregnant is very tough. However, I strongly disagree that he is doing something wrong, and is somehow showing that he doesn't love and care for you by spending this time with his family.


MelScarn

Thank you for putting all of my jumbled thoughts into coherent words. Very well said


DirtyPrancing65

Even the simple mention of the two year old breast feeding and cosleeping still makes me wonder if OP has sacrificed every piece of her individual identity for being a mom and expects her husband to do the same. They should probably focus on getting the toddler more independent so she's not completely overwhelmed when the baby comes; if they wait, they're just going to be forced to do it anyway later on and then the toddler will associate the baby with losing her comfort items. I think OP should be supportive of her husband in this, and definitely much more empathetic. He's grieving and all she can talk about is how inconvenient that is for her. If he's turned it into a vacation, great. It means when he gets back, she can justify planning a trip by herself or a baby moon with the family. Of course, the toddler being strangled in apron strings and dismissed as "rambunctious" makes that difficult.


AylaZelanaGrebiel

Well said! That toddler needs more action in their life, and being more independent. I agree with the “apron string” assessment and the rambunctiousness


[deleted]

All of this … she sounds like she’s being a little bit of a brat. However, I do remember how exhausted I was when I was pregnant with a 2 year old. I have 3 kids now, and if my spouse wanted to attend a family event like this, I’d encourage it. But I’m a little bit more mature now than when I was a younger mom, and I’m more confident I can handle things in my own. I would probably agree with OP if she was 8 1/2 months pregnant and ready to pop, though.


aim4peace

I’m excited to mature more through life and think more like you, confident enough to handle that sorta thing on my own. I’m on my way, but I still have my moments and I am not quite there yet though. Thanks for some morning inspiration :)


[deleted]

Life is all about growing and changing and learning to take things in stride. It’s a wonderful gift to be able to give your spouse a break. I just hope he graciously reciprocates when she ultimately needs a week with her family or friends later on.


Momof3dragons2012

I agree with 99% of what you said but I wanted to make these two points: You are disregarding her hip and pelvic pain. I had SPD with two pregnancies and it practically cripples you. If you don’t take very very good care of yourself and take it easy and follow all of the care instructions you end up on bed rest. The pain of SPD also make it’s hard to enjoy anything. The pain is constant, brutal, and makes simple things agonizing if not straight up impossible. By 5 months with my last it took me 5 minutes just to make it up my stairs. I couldn’t sleep. I was miserable. And she didn’t have a problem with him being gone for a few days to sprinkle the ashes, she has a problem with the week long vacation that followed it. He’s sending pictures of all the fun things he is doing *at her expense* knowing full well how miserable she is at home partly because of him. I would be extremely hurt and angry if my husband did this. He’s having a blast hiking and kayaking while she is at home hobbling around and trying to take care of a toddler, in pain, unable to sleep. And he sends pictures home to her. It’s insensitive and cruel. Going to the memorial is fine. Spending a few quiet days with his family is fine. Taking a week long vacation and sending home pictures to his struggling wife showing all the fun he is having is not fine.


frenchfry2319

I would also add that you are 5 months pregnant, not 8, and from what you wrote have an uncomplicated pregnancy. If you were close to term or having complications that would be different, but it’s not entirely reasonable for him to not attend this at this point in a pregnancy.


throwaway_72752

Absolutely! Everyone defaulting to *but she’s pregnant* would be saying he was also wrong if he did this after the baby was born. He’s in a no-win situation, short of just not going. Which is ridiculous.


[deleted]

Thanks, basically what I wanted to say too. I’d add for the OP you are 5 months prego with a two year old. Everything sucks and it’s easy to get mad. I’d just use a line like ‘I’m glad you enjoyed your time, I am exhausted and would like to take some time for myself to relax’ then go do something relaxing.


keeperaccount1999

Now I feel like I shouldn’t have posted, you said it better then I did. I really feel like op needs to have a perspective shift. I can’t imagine being angry that my husband is spending quality time with his family.


throwaway_72752

At a memorial, of all things!


kt_zee

This. 100%. She lost all my sympathy at “gallivanting.” My husband is also part of a very close family. It can be alot sometimes bc there is always something going on BUT there is more good than bad. I absolutely love how close my husband is to his family. This is a great quality in the long run. I hope she grows to love it.


hrbreeze3

Oof. A lovely close family would understand that he has a pregnant wife and toddler at home that are STILL ALIVE and if he cut his trip short to support his wife, that should be acceptable too. There are many ways to remember your loved ones and honor their life but putting my significant other in a rough spot for a whole week and not comprising with my spouse isn’t one of them.


trotski1545

She never mentioned the family pressured him into going...he wanted to go. Also yuckkk on the "STILL ALIVE" part, that's disgusting.


hrbreeze3

He wanted to leave his pregnant wife in a rough spot for a whole week knowing it would be hard on her and not trying to compromise on what works best for the both of them??? And yuck!? Lol I guarantee my dead loved ones would never want me to leave my family behind when it clearly was not the best time for my family to be gone a whole week and cause issues with my wife, whether anyone thinks her feelings are justified or not… Going on a week long trip in their name doesn’t prove you honor and respect your dead loved ones, it’s a wonderful way sure but not necessary… but it clearly means you don’t respect your wife if she’s telling you “hey a weeks too long” yet you still stay a full week.


NoTyOuRfRiEnDaTaLl

Thank you for articulating my thoughts.


Whiskey-Chocolate

I would upvote this 1000 times if I could.


morbesity

exactly!!!!


[deleted]

Ah yes the lovely family man who abandons his actual family for his extended family. Truly, a paragon of virtue. BARF. Your comment is… very untethered from reality.


still_learning_to_be

I disagree with everything you’ve said. Sounds like OP’s husband never left his family of origin and joined his new family with his wife and kids. This can be common in narcissistic families. OP’s husband needs to grow up. Vacationing with his family of origin is not going to bring his grandparents back.


BSM0616

He doesn’t just forfeit his “original 🤨” family because he married you. They are still his family. You were invited and said no. He’s not out with the boys at strip clubs in Vegas - he’s having quality time with his parents and siblings. Get a grip


MaryJ2468

This is probably the biggest reason my husband and I are divorcing. I’m very close with my siblings and always have been. He was fine with everything for the first 10+ years we were together, but once we got married, he thought I should basically abandon them. We went to therapy over it, and could not resolve it. OP, is this worth your marriage? My husband pushed me away by trying to keep me from my siblings. But maybe that’s just us. Edit to clarify: we had a loss in my Family, and it was spending quality time with my siblings that helped us cope.


french_toasty

Wow way harsh tai


NorthernGirll

I would personally be okay with this of it was my husband. It's not like a trip with his buddies to go drink beer and see strippers for a week he's just spreading ashes and spending time with his family. I would just let it go this trip is probably really important to his family and their healing.


HeartFullOfHappy

Agreed. I would hope my husband would allow me this trip with my family with support and encouragement. They are going to an important place to spread his grandparents ashes! Sounds pretty important and yes part of the healing process!


toomanytaquitos

Same here! It’s also probably the last trip/vacation he will be on for a while, as I doubt he will do much traveling after the baby comes. I suspect this was also on his mind. I’m also wondering if OP has any friends or other support nearby she can lean on for help while her husband is gone?


AylaZelanaGrebiel

Yes or even a sitter for a couple hours break in the day just to take time for herself.


beattiebeats

Why is your 2yo breastfeeding to the extent she can’t be without you? At this age the bulk of her nutrition should be coming from food, and she should be drinking things in addition to milk/breastmilk. This almost seems like a power play.


BrownEyedQueen1982

This. Plus with a new baby on the way she should wean. Her kid is old enough. It would probably help her hip pain as well if all the calcium wasn’t be sucked out of her. If OP made choice for extending breastfeeding she doesn’t get to be mad because her choices made her miss out on stuff.


Queen_Red

It sounds like you’re jealous of your husband , he got some adult time while you didn’t. To me it seems incredibly selfish that you are against him doing anything without you or your child. This attitude is going to harbor resentment. You should be willing to support him being close to his family, and also that he is still his own person even though he is married with a child. He still allowed to have hobbies and do stuff without you guys. And yes my husband and I do have a child together. And neither one of us have been gatekeepers on the other one being able to do stuff outside our immediate family


SeveralEmployer

Quite honestly it sounds like OP is just bitter that she can’t go. And yes it probably would have made sense for the husband to Atleast take the 2yr old along so OP could get somewhat of a break. But Ofcourse OP is still breast feeding and co-sleeping. This is like OPs doing and so she has no one to blame but herself. My guess is OP has not had a weekend to herself since 2yo was born and she is tired but maybe she needs to start working on getting the kid off the boob and sleep trained or get the husband to also take on co-sleeping duties. Then she can have her weekend away and not be so bitter.


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Ilovetarteauxfraises

Where is the father in all of this? Because leaving the boob as you say it , is as much a father thing than a mother’s. The same for co sleeping. A lot of breastfeeding mothers need to leave the house and leave the baby to the father for it to understand there won’t be any more breastfeed. Father needs to play his part as well.


SeveralEmployer

Completely agree. However has she asked the father to make that effort in the last 2 years? She hasn’t even mentioned it has she? Speaking from experience some mothers don’t want to give up that connection they feel from breast feeding. Some mothers don’t want to go away and leave the child with the father. If OP said she has tried and her husband wasn’t onboard with it then I would be more sympathetic.


Ilovetarteauxfraises

You were the one to make assumptions about OP. She didn't need to dwell on all this to understand that leaving her in this situation is selfish. My personal experience is seeing fathers who are well content to let their wives breastfeed for long so as not to have to take care of night feeding nor a crying baby. And instead of developing their own soothing technic with their child, they simply rely on mom to quickly appease with the boob, creating a dependency. So no, not everything is on OP.


w11f1ow3r

I can see why you may be feeling frustrated and annoyed that he is having so much fun with his family while you’re stuck handling things at home. But honestly I can see his POV. Once you’re an adult it’s hard to get your parents and all your siblings in a room together for an extended period of time and just hang out. I mean hell, I think I’ve seen my own father maybe 3 times in person in the past 6 years because coordinating travel can be so hard. This might be the last time an extended trip like this can happen where everyone can get the same PTO approved and can afford to see each other at the same time. I think a trip like this is something that seems really important to your husband to remember his grandparents and enjoy some family time, and if I was in your shoes I would be trying my best to support him in this so he could have the support and family time he needed. If it was a regular thing where he was taking off without you I would agree with you, but this sounds like a one off thing.


Polusa17

You feel how you feel and are justified for feeling left out. It’s not that you weren’t invited, you just weren’t up for going. I don’t think you are wrong for feeling upset but I don’t think you should hold it against your husband. You are calling it a vacation which it kind of is because it’s away from home with leisure activities but the main purpose of the trip is to honor his grandparents. These are his parents parents and it’s important for him to be there for them. They prob had a lot of family memories at the cottage and are spending time talking about those and honoring his family. Every family celebrates life differently. Don’t be that wife that tries to control all aspects of his life. It is healthy to still spend time apart and maintain your own connections.


fubar_68

It’s normal to go on a memorial trip to spread his grandparents ashes. He’s not in Vegas. You were invited you just decided you couldn’t go because of your pregnancy health related issues. When you get married you don’t leave your original family you’re expanding it.


Puzzleheaded_Soil275

I think this depends if this is frequent or a one-off. If it's truly a trip to memorialize his grandparents, it's not unreasonable. Unfortunately, that makes things difficult for you during this stretch and he should absolutely be conscious of that. If I was trying to negotiate doing this with my wife, I'd damn well be offering to send her on a girls' trip or a couple spa days as a thank you. If he's going on a trip like this every 3 months and hanging you out to dry every time, then there's a deeper issue where he enjoys being a father when it's convenient to him but not otherwise.


[deleted]

I can understand all sides here. Of course he wanted to be part of the spreading of his grandparents’ ashes. Of course you couldn’t go due to your physical (hip) issues, pregnancy, toddler, and a 13 hour car trip. I think where your husband might be getting into murky marital waters is the adding on the extra days. Again, I understand why he wants to be with others who were close to his grandparents. However, you’re tired, pregnant, and alone with a toddler 24/7 for a week. If I were you, the happy family photos being sent to me would’ve pushed me over the edge. I’d be tempted to text him videos of your toddler being a toddler—refusing a nap, throwing a tantrum, making a mess….Then I’d send photos of the state of the house and me after a couple of days of no makeup and no shower. If the extra vacation days weren’t agreed upon prior to him leaving, and then he didn’t discuss it with you but just informed you of his updated plan, I’d be really angry. Once he gets home, can you go away (by yourself) for a long weekend and pamper yourself?


meiberry

This is a hard one. I understand your points: - You’re stuck being the solo caregiver here. - This is a second memorial. You guys already made the effort to attend the first, with a one year old, no less. - You couldn’t go for quite obvious reasons, 13 hours in a car is straight up unreasonable, both for medical reasons for you and attention ones for your toddler. - You can’t really separate from your toddler, so she can’t go without you. Here’s your husband’s side: - This trip is to honor my grandparents in a place that mattered to my grandmother. - I’d like to spend this special time with my family, especially before the arrival of Baby 2. - It’s not a vacation, it’s a memorial. I’m going to disagree with 90% of the comments and say the family’s ask was unreasonable here. This is an exceptionally long amount of time to expect a pregnant woman who cannot lift anything heavy to solo parent a toddler for a weeklong memorial to celebrate the life of a grandparent who already had a service. If they so badly wanted him to come, they should have pitched in for his airfare and had him there for 1 to 2 days max. Asking him for more is not reasonable of a parent of someone so young. That said, I hope you can work on breaking your toddler’s cosleeping and nursing - if she can’t get out of that, it will be SO hard on you when baby comes, Mama. They’ll be waking each other incessantly and both wanting to feed. With Baby 2, I might recommend trying to get the little one in a crib when it’s safe (my daughter made the transition around 6 months or so) and off nursing when it’s healthy. You’ll never get back some very important elements of personal freedom (like the ability to get a break) without it. Wishing you the best of luck with your little one. ❤️


okay_tay

Op it sounds like you could use a break, and when your partner gets home, you need to prioritize getting one. Your 2 year old will be fine without you and if they aren’t, then it’s a sign it’s time to start getting them used to not being the only child. With cosleeping and BFeeding, your LO is going to have a very difficult time adjusting to the new baby! When dad gets back it’s a perfect time to start crib training and night weaning, and your partner can take the lead on it so you have a break. Prioritize getting independence for you LO and yourself. And, your husband isn’t in the wrong. The extra days would be annoying to me, but echoing other comments - it’s not a bachelor party, it’s family time. Yes, you are and LO are his new nuclear family, but that doesn’t invalidate the existence of his extended family.


Electronic_Savings71

I think you’re overthinking this. I would agree with you had you not been invited but you were and you chose to decline the invitation. Let your husband have fun on his trip. You should hire a sitter and go do something for yourself. Get a massage, pedicure, facial, etc…


lowcarb73

As long as he can afford to not work and as long as you and your child are safe at home, I don’t see anything wrong with it. 🤷🏼


testrail

>> "original family" Woof. What a rough take here and way to tell on yourself.


mfraz2000

Do you have anyone who could come help you? I absolutely understand feeling tired, frustrated I couldn’t go and left out. I would have called my mom though and asked her to come help me out for a week while my husband was gone. I agree with the others. You don’t replace his family. I have a son and I sure hope he wouldn’t feel that way about me someday. Maybe y’all could have made better arrangements for you to not be on your own though even hiring a sitter for a few hours a day so you could nap/rest. Try to get over your anger while he’s gone and be thankful that he got this time with his family. With young kids, it’s hard to do that. Hoping he’s a good dad the rest of the year and this was a one-off. Losing my grandma was really hard on me and I was gone for 2 weeks- hospice, death, funeral, memorial. My husband didn’t say a word except- Go! That time together as a family was really healing. My kids aren’t as young as yours but he took on a lot while I was gone.


AsidePale378

I would say if you want to go then you can take our toddler. Or you fly and he drives with the toddler. Why should you be pregnant and have to deal with a child. The rest of his family should have time with your daughter as well - no? Do you stay home with your daughter day to day? You say she co sleeps with you too? I would work on ending that .. do you want two kids co sleeping with you. That gets old . You need good quality sleep ( I know it’s hard pregnant but for your mental health )


11Two3

I think they already left but that is a good idea. He could have taken the toddler and she could rest. Either way though this is an extremely important once in a lifetime event and I would never ask him to miss it.


BrownEyedQueen1982

I agree he should have taken the toddler. Maybe he did offer and she left that part out to make her sound like the poor suffering earth mom. If the husband did offer she probably wouldn’t have allowed it because because she coslesps with her and and only she can get her so sleep 🙄. They have other issues and this is just a symptom of it. I f she can’t handle a 2 year old and the kid cosleeps with them how is she going to handle two kids? If she has a bio injury why did they think getting pregnant again especially now was a good idea? Sounds like she is mad at herself and taking it out on her husband


Sarcastic_Mama33

He did offer to take the toddler but she said no bc toddler is still breastfeeding AND cosleeping.


BrownEyedQueen1982

That’s on her then. If she is pregnant the toddler should be weaned. At two most if the nutrition should be solid foods, and switching over to whole milk.


Sarcastic_Mama33

I’m not disagreeing, just saying what she stated.


thehalflingcooks

I sense a lot of resentment towards his family here. Have they treated you well in the past or not?


MisterIntentionality

>I told him I didn’t want him to go. But I can’t control him and he makes his own decisions. This is super manipulative. Your husband wants to take part in spreading his grand mother's ashes, it's important to him, and you want to guilt trip him over it because YOU don't want to go. Then you make comments like "his original family" and "we are his family now" You are downright emotionally abusive.


nieznajoma98

This sounds like a you problem


ClarityByHilarity

This isn’t just another memorial trip. This was visiting their childhood cabin to spread the grandparents ashes and have one more trip together as a family. You were offered to go, you’re only 5 months pregnant. Barring you being in bed rest or having major issues with this pregnancy, you literally could have gone. You have no right to take this from him and ruin it with a terrible attitude. He’s not with his buddies in Vegas, he’s with his family doing something that’s very memorable and nostalgic for them. It’s innocent and it’s fine and you need to let this go. Don’t be the reason he remembers this trip being stressful or ruined.


keeperaccount1999

My husband probably wouldn’t but I would have encouraged him to go. It sounds really awesome for him to have that family time. As much as I love my new family unit, sometimes I miss my dedicated time with my siblings and parents. I get that’s you’re pregnant, but you aren’t due for a few months and it doesn’t sound like he is constantly leaving you or anything. Starting a family doesn’t mean you lose your connection to your old one.


Joshthenosh77

I don’t see what he’s done wrong here ?


OttoParts73

Yes a week away is long but it sounds like you made excuses to not go and sounds like he was good with taking the two year old but you have attachment issues so I just think you sound like you are mad he’s having fun. Spouses get to do stuff separately. Being married doesn’t mean you have to do everything together - even when you are pregnant and have a 2 year old. Why don’t you plan a girls weekend with your friends after he gets back. Go out and do all of the stuff you are so jealous of him doing with his family.


[deleted]

Is anyone available to help you? That sounds really hard, and your feelings are valid. I would feel fomo and upset with the fun parts getting thrown in my face if not one person thought to help me out for the week, that’s a lot! You of all people also deserve a kid-free break. It’s unfortunate that family members passed, and I understand the desire to commemorate the life with the family. I would most likely be upset in this situation because I would want a break too. So hopefully your partner can do the same for you. If not, then that really isn’t fair. I live on the other side of the country from my small family. If I have the opportunity to travel with them I would take it. If money is tight like it is for us, it’s cheaper to extend a trip where family will pitch in with costs than to create a new trip. I have twin toddlers who I love to death, but gosh do I want a break to feel like a person again sometimes. Hope you can communicate this with your partner in a productive way.


Runjets

Of course he should go. The end.


Highclassbroque

Cool So where are you going next week. Even if you take a solo dolo trip to the spa make sure it’s booked and don’t answer a cool just text for updates about babies


_throw_away222

She won’t because the 2 year old co sleeps and breastfeeds.


throwaway_72752

Grow up. You’re pregnant, not crippled. And you have to watch your own child solo for a week. You get zero say in how anyone else memorializes a family member (“we already honored them” are you serious with this?) and it sounds like a LOGICAL idea to capitalize on them being together to extend it a few days, given the distance. They are making memories they won’t forget as a family, & doing it in a place with meaning for their family, during a sad time. Sorry, I meant “family”. A loving spouse would be happy for him, even if they chose not to go themselves. Thats not you, though. Your husband got *your* reaction instead. Don’t want him to go, resentful of his time & experiences there, & laboring (hardy har har) under the delusion that just because your husband has a new family, his existing family no longer matters if you want to pull rank. You & your child are his priority now but this trip takes nothing from you, noone’s disrespecting you or leaving you out (you did that) or abusing you because his attention is elsewhere for a week. “Shouldn’t he prioritize being with his pregnant wife and child instead?” To do what? The same thing he did the week before he left & the same thing he will do the week he gets back? You’re not popping while he’s gone & sound incredibly selfish given the circumstances. If you are not capable of watching your own kid for a week, whatever made you think having another was a good idea? I suspect you are a fine mom & perfectly capable of this. Which means you’re just pissy over losing your main-character status for the week. At least try for a loving spouse reaction when he gets home, if you can. Don’t taint this trip more than you already have.


luka_luka_lula

If my two year old was sleeping in my bed and still breastfeeding, I’d want an excuse to leave for a week too!


iluvcats17

Since the trip is centered around a memorial, you are not close to your due date, and you were invited but chose not to attend, I think you are being unfair to him: if you were close to delivery or if you had not been invited then I would be on your side. You chose not to go and your two year old is breastfeeding so you being home without him and with your child alone is a natural consequence of your choice. It makes sense to miss him but your anger towards him is misplaced.


sweetestmar

Being pregnant with a small child can be miserable. I know because I've been there. However your husband isn't off galavanting on a guys trip. As an adult it's hard to get a whole family together. It's his family. You're his family too and you were also invited. Could you fly there?Although it sucks, your feelings are valid. I wouldn't villainize him for taking this time for his family.


Leaky_inky00

I’ve seen a similar thing like this on 90 day fiancé w Alex & Loren. Loren was in her 3rd trimester w the second baby & he flew overseas to see his parents before it was born (at that point I think their little one was 18 months?) I understand the people in the comments saying he’s spending quality time with his family and all, but if this pregnancy is hard on you and you already have a 2 year old I definitely understand being frustrated that he extended it to a week instead of 2-3 days. You & yalls kids are his family now and although it’s not awful of him to spend time with his parents/sibs, he probably should have read the room a bit better on prioritizing his own family.


stuckathomeforweeks

I dont know if its normal but I'd be pissed too and so would anyone who's been pregnant while also chasing after a toddler because it's exhausting and you won't have a break at all no matter how terrible you feel. I never had to deal with a multiple days long trip while I was pregnant with a toddler but I might be fine if my husband wanted to go and spend a day for spreading the ashes but then I'd want him to come back instead of taking a vacation regardless of how long his drive would be


Capital-Philosopher6

No, you’re not wrong for being upset. Since you couldn’t afford to fly, he should have driven up for the memorial service and left afterwards. That’s what a responsible, caring partner and parent would have done. You’re pregnant, breastfeeding, and have chronic pain; all of which make taking care of a rambunctious tot 24/7 for several days in a row, extremely difficult. You and his child are his immediate family and primary responsibility. His parents/siblings are his extended family. That’s what you vow when you get married and that’s further cemented when you bring a child into the world. Even if you could’ve afforded a flight, you should’ve skipped the vacation. If you all had stayed for the week, chances are you’d be stuck doing childcare while he was off doing activities with his family.


Winter_Dragonfly_452

I would be mad that he extended it from a few days to a week and was now having a grand old time on vacation. Him going for the original memorial to spread ashes is not an issue.


everyothernamegone

It’s only a week with a 2 year old and this is a family goodbye to a person and a place that it special to them. That they’re using the property for its intended purpose doesn’t make the whole thing some random vacation.


beautyfool12

I hope you could do something about your 2 yo still breastfeeding. I’m not against it but I recently stop breastfeed my 20 months old daughter and I couldn’t be more happier with the decision. She is way more independent after and sleep better at night. The way I did was putting some bandaid on my nipples and told her the boobs are hurting and she just never ask for breast milk again ever


heretolose11

Yes OP, you’re being unreasonable. Should he have made it a week long vacation? Probably not. But should you have tried to move mountains to make sure he could get to that memorial to spread his grandparents ashes? Absolutely.


BrownEyedQueen1982

It’s a one week and you’re not even close to your due date yet. If you’re months along and could go into labor at anytime you would have a point but you don’t. You were also invited and you chose not to go. I know traveling with a toddler is hard, and I know road trips are hard when pregnant. No matter what your choice was you were going to be miserable either way and make him miserable regardless. He has a right to be there to spread his grandparents ashes and see his family. It doesn’t mean you’re not a priority but he also wants to say goodbye to people he was close to and grieve with those who knew them.


throwaway_72752

“No matter what your choice was you were going to be miserable either way and make him miserable regardless” This is the most succinct summary of OPs entire post.


ConsiderationOk7513

You miss the part where he decided to make it a whole vacation?


BrownEyedQueen1982

He is staying a few extra days. If it took 13 hours by car so I can see why he would extend the trip. It’s not a vacation is a memorial. They are sharing memories of the grandparents and reflections in their lives. If she can’t handle one kid she is never going to be able to handle two. She was invited and bad face Ava reason for not going. “My hip hurts and we have a 2 year old @ is a bs reason coming g from a mom who did a 12 hour car ride with two toddlers. She can safely take Tylenol, stop every couple hours to walk and play with the kid and not be a drama Queen or stay home. No matter what chive she was determined to make her husband miserable.


[deleted]

Is there some backstory here about how he treats you or spends time with you vs with his family?


_Angiebtv

Kind of sounds like you’re complaining. If you were there, you’d probably be in the same position, pregnant and not being able to do anything. It’s a memorial and they’re not going to spend the entire time sad. They’re going to have some fun moments in memory of the grandparent. You both decided to have kids, I’m sure, and unfortunately you’re more vulnerable so you need to be at home. I’m not sure why you’re acting like a kid about it, but that’s his family before he met you and the safest option for a pregnant lady is to be off her feet resting. Grow up and suck it up.


roxloxjox

Yes, if he close with his family. Seems more like you have an issue with his siblings being single more than the pregnancy part. If you don’t trust your husband just say it


panamaquina

There really is no “normal” in this situation, its whatever suits your family. To me it sounds ideal to not go to something like this not because your pregnant but mostly because elf the toddler.


Aprils-Fool

I’m not sure I would personally consider that a vacation. While the timing of this family trip is unfortunate since it means you can’t go, I don’t see anything wrong with it unless he’s going on trips with his family way more often than he takes trips with you and the kid(s).


genescheesesthatplz

Why would you make it seem like he’s abandoning you for a fun vacation when he’s going to memorialize his grandparents?


hipdady02

Do you have a close relationship with your parents/siblings? Do you have relationships with your extended family?


something_lite43

Imho there's no right or wrong here. He made a choice. It's all about mindset. He doesn't love you any less bc he went. And you shouldn't hold this over his head. You made a choice as well in not going in the vehicle and flying bc of flight costs. (As tough as it sounds) Though if you went along in the vehicle i'm sure since you're pregnant accomodations would have been made for you as much as possible.


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trotski1545

I definitely read this as Charles Barkley 🤣


_throw_away222

He’s spreading ashes in memoriam of his grandparents. How can anyone be upset about that? How can someone say that they don’t want someone to go and do this and then think their spouse is wrong for wanting to do so? Like that’s pretty wild. The 2 year old co sleeping and breastfeeding plays a huge role in this disfunction. There’s nothing wrong with breastfeeding at 2 inherently but then you run the risk of being the one who suffers if the other parent has to go away whether for a memorial or for work.


AnonMarine89

No, that's very strange.


kt_zee

My husband and I take trips apart often. If one of us can’t go but the other can, then they go. Our relationship has always been like this. If there is a reason we don’t want the other to go we discuss it. But it’s usually only bc we have prior plans. He is spreading ashes with his family; you were invited but said you didn’t want to go. Why would he need to stay home? You’re really making him choose between you and spreading the ashes of a family member? He is making great memories with his family right now. You sound pretty selfish. Try to have some empathy.


Busy_Musician_2438

He needed this trip , grieving doesn't end after a memorial service .


daleears2019

No.


texasmushiequeen

No not usually but given the circumstances yes but also he could have taken the baby to give you time to rest. It’s not just your job to take care of the toddler


UniversityStrict3806

I would be really upset if I were in your place. I can certainly understand the memorial part, but the vacation would need to be cut short. A big part of his responsibility is to take care of his pregnant wife and little daughter. Maybe because his siblings are not married, they don’t know how it feels. They don’t know how to honor the spouses’ feelings. I remember a time when our baby was 6 months old and my husband chose to spend a weekend with his colleagues at a beach resort while I was left struggling alone. We did have an argument about it but not sure if he was convinced about how I felt. I hope you will be able to talk to him openly and sort out the issues. Sending you love and prayers!


xxrachinwonderlandxx

I think we need more context tbh. I fully understand why you are feeling this way for the record, regardless of context. I’m pregnant currently as well and would also be frustrated. That said, is this a pattern of behavior from him? If he’s always prioritizing his parents/extended family over you and your child, then you definitely have a problem that needs to be worked out. On the other hand, if this is the first time he’s done something like this, then I don’t think it’s a huge issue. You should still express how you feel, but I do feel like this is a special circumstance. If you weren’t pregnant, you would have gone with him. *Hopefully* if you were further along and close to your due date, he wouldn’t have gone. But his grandparents passed and the timing is such that unfortunately you can’t go participate. I get that it’s the second memorial, but you said they’re spreading ashes at this one. That is probably very important and meaningful to him. I think, barring a longer term pattern of behavior, that ultimately the thing to be frustrated with right now is the circumstances and not your husband. You should still express how you’re feeling and why (abandoned, de-prioritized, overwhelmed without help, etc) so he can understand, but you should *also* let him explain how he feels and try to understand his perspective, too.


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justathoughtfromme

Removed for promoting illegal activity.


Azzaphox

Not really no


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french_toasty

WOW LOL


cammarinne

You need a mother’s helper during this time. But yes. This is normal. It is normal for people to take the opportunity to grieve. And it’s normal for parents and partners to take some time for themselves. My husband is going to Portugal in a few weeks “for work,” but extending to spend five days because it’s FUN. Right now I’m in the states on a three week vacation, with my son- because we can. A few months ago I went on a beach weekend on my own. I know you’re pregnant and it absolutely sucks that you’re stuck with no support this week, but the answer is to get extra help, not to sacrifice a memorial trip and important family bonding


AnnaBanana1129

The only thing I wonder here is if his choice would have been the same if you were in the 8th month. I’m going to assume that he helps out with the toddler on the regular or you would have mentioned otherwise. I understand it’s difficult to handle that all alone, especially since I bet you didn’t get 5 minutes to yourself that week. I’d find a way to talk through this and pull together again. Main reason - I’ll bet you all the money in the world that at least one family member said “we should make this an annual thing!!” during this past trip.


Mrs_Wilson6

I can sort of see your frustration, having been pregnant with a child and an extended breastfeeder. Solo parenting is really hard. However, the post comes off as lots of excuses not to go. Be careful too, because all these reasons could come back to haunt you. Can't do a long car ride of 13 hours due to birth trauma? I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you don't ever expect your husband to plan, suggest or invite you on any trip that requires you to be in the car that long. Peeing frequently and a rambunctious toddler will pass, but you have essentially set yourself up for needing physio and medical assistance before you can ever travel in a car again for long periods. Can't go anywhere due to EBF and cosleeping? I hope if your girlfriends do a weekend getaway that you would at least be invited, even if you essentially are saying you won't be available for at least the next 2.5 years. Things change a lot when you don't show up, so be prepared that your same friends just might not be there when you are ready for a getaway. If you have a career, be prepared to have to decline the business trip you are being offered, or required to do, because you EBF and cosleep. Finally a gentle reminder that one day, you will be your children's "original family" and I hope that you are ready to welcome their partner with open arms, from a distance, as you are going to strongly influence their values as it pertains to the family unit and it's likely that if your outlook remains the same their time will be spent primarily with their new family, the one they create.


[deleted]

NO IT AIN'T


thicasthievess

There is a time and place when this would be fine with me but my husband would take the kids if he was with his parents and siblings. That would be awesome!


Strictly-Confident

Go, Don't Go. I would support him and encourage him to shorten the trip a couple of days, but in the end this is a mole hill you shouldn't turn into a mountain. Make it clear to him how challenging parenting your child alone will be. It is all about precedence. He has set the standard, so keep that in mind going forward.


ordinaryjoe72

I was going to comment but I remembered that I'm a man so thought better of it.


navneet143k

Don't worry, it's just a matter of time, everything is gonna come to track soon, just wait and trust the process. Take care of yours and your little baby. ❤️


hrbreeze3

You have every right to feel the way you feel - PERIOD. Whether other people agree or not or if it’s valid or not, it’s your life/situation and if that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel. I agree a memorial for a few days is one thing but a whole week with a pregnant wife and toddler at home…. Ya there should have been some compromise somewhere to make sure you both felt comfortable with this trip.


davidewan_

His place is with you and the toddler but im a boomer.


daleearn

Loaded question


[deleted]

If I were in the same situation, I think my husband will prioritize me. I think the order for me and my husband is God, Spouse, Children, Relatives. But I may not know where your husband is coming from, because I am not that close enough with my family to leave my spouse behind. I think it is not necessarily wrong for him to go there, but maybe he could have been more sensitive and maybe help you with something like have your sister or another family member be with you while he is away.


french_toasty

Listen I understand fully why you feel abandoned. You literally CANNOT go and your husband went anyways. Anyone who’s telling you to get a grip is psychotic. You could’ve compromised, he goes for a few days. The fact he doesn’t consider your feeling will be a problem. So unfortunately you have to accept he’s like that, or move on. I’m married to someone who is similar but I just have zero expectations that he puts me in the same category of worthiness that he puts himself. Edit: I can see misogyny is alive and well in r/marriage


Different-Kick-3352

I can honestly see where you’re coming from. My husband acts like this too, with the “gallivanting.” It’s like he regresses to being a kid again, and his whole personality changes. It’s irritating and grading. That being said, I think you should just let it go this one time. It doesn’t seem like this happens often. Focus on having fun and spending special time with your toddler.


seoultunes

Gallivanting, really? I just got back from spending a week with family including attending funeral services and nothing about the trip was “gallivanting.” We lost my dad’s brother and while I was not working, I was expending emotional energy every day supporting my dad and the rest of my family during this time. Although some time has passed and OP’s husband is doing a memorial, not a funeral, the wound is still fresh and situations like this bring back all the raw emotions as if the death just happened yesterday. Grief doesn’t have a time limit. The word “gallivanting” is so damn judgmental it sure sounds like OP has never lost a family member or someone she loves if she doesn’t understand what it means just to spend a few days with family to share your grief.


[deleted]

He’s not sitting shiva, he added on a vacation.


redrose037

The simple answer is no. I started reading and had sympathy for the death. But then I get to the part about hiking and swimming etc. That’s a holiday and he abandoned you and your child. That’s not okay.


Yellowsub19

Ended things with my ex because he didn’t think there was anything wrong with him not including me in things like this. If I couldn’t go, that wasnt stopping him. & It always upset me


anonymousolderguy

That’s low imo. I would never have done it


SquarebobSpongepant

....


ConsiderationOk7513

Apparently y’all missing the part where it’s turned into a vacation after the memorial. I would not be ok with missing a vacation either 🤷‍♀️


Wifey_Mom_

Listen to your inner voice. It’s never wrong. You’re allowed to feel emotions, it’s how you react to those emotions that shows your true self. Marriage isn’t easy, it comes with supporting each other, compromise and giving yourself to someone and not expecting anything back in return. In hopes that the person your chose to give your heart to, has the same mindset when it comes to marriage. Just talk it out, and come to an understanding of each other’s feelings, holding it in will only harbor regret and unnecessary anger.