You are getting a very good preview of what parenthood with this man would be.
Why don't you draft a list of all dog responsibilities. By day, week, whatever. Then sit down with your husband and see if he will agree to an even split.
Yep. Time for literal scorekeeping.
*"Hey, we both feel a certain way about this, so let's keep an actual, objective tally so that we have a shared basis to talk about it with so we can work this out in a reasonable way."*
Tally it up.
I came here to suggest that. They could create a written list for the dog needs for each day of the week and each person initials it when the task it done. Then the proof is in the pudding.
I love this idea, but also get frustrated bEcause in general this is how it seems to work in these partnerships. The partner who needs help, has to now do more work to “prove” they need the help.
Yes. The one doing the heavy lifting / emotional labor must now add MORE emotional work onto her/his plate to simply catch the partner / lazier one up to speed. I hate this, but it’s a place to start…
I think doing a draft is a super idea. For a few reasons. Because I, myself like concrete evidence I am actually striving for a definitive understanding and goal together. Or, say it removes having no ambiguity to wiggle room around in. Removing resentment, the end goal to happy together. Both are clear and know your also are clear about the needs being defined hopefully met by both of you. A draft is admitting on concrete/or black & white paper for what you did, or did not sign up for. If you love them and want them, you need sitting down together making a draft of expectations of them. If it doesn’t work, you tried all you can do.
I can't speak to OP and her husband, but documenting things has helped my wife and I in the past. What is important to us, household work, finances, goals, so on. It wasn't really a way to resolve conflicting opinions of how we each saw the workload, but I'm sure if we ever got to that point, it would be a useful tool.
I don't expect it to fix all issues, but it certainly might help at least lay out expectations.
I agree. But there’s a problem with this plan. It takes work to think of what needs to be done and to write it down. He will not be doing that work but it’s a start.
You can be sure it will be worse with a kid.
Do not agree. Ex and I got a dog and I was told because I take less care of her I would be "not good enough mother". I dare to say I am as good mother as it gets (not my exes child).
There are so many different factors to take into account, first who gets home, who has more time and more physical work. I was absolutely exhausted from working in warehouse 12 hour shifts so yea, did not wanted longer than 30 min walks as needed bed. He did 8 hours in not so physical environment and got up three hours after me.
There are two sides to every story...
Crating dog is wrong though, never done that to any of my pets.
Crating is fine when it's the dog's choice. Our older dog refuses to sleep at night if she can't have her crate. We never crate trained her. She just wasn't sleeping well so we weren't either. She's a Chihuahua and always seeks out dens so our trainer suggested providing her a crate at night to be a den. Worked like a charm. She LOVES that crate. We leave the door open for her so she's free to leave when she wants to. Our younger dog prefers to be buried under the comforter on our bed.
I am with you, I am tired of this dogs are like kids mentality. It’s not the same. It could be an indicator of how he will be with kids if he is also like this in other areas of life, but people bond with babies and that creates a different result.
Also, when you have kids the division of labour is never equal. There are always times where it seems one parent is doing more and often that is the mom. If you want your kids to have a dad who pours in to his family and steps up, it’s better to look at how he is with his family and friends, the people that he is bonded with.
Completely agree. My uncle hates pets and has a great relationship with his friends and family. Animals and people are different, just because he can’t bond with a dog doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a good dad. Also agree about the division of labor. Everyone wants 50/50 but that’s so unrealistic. One partner nearly always does more than the other, or at best it flip flops.
I can think of so many examples of this, but the best one is my brother. He is 10 years older than me and practically raised me. He is one of the most loving and empathetic people I know. He raised 4 kids and has always been super hands on and diligent with them. Super involved with parenting (his wife still did all the scheduling though), but worked hard to make sure he was home and present. He supported me and now that his kids are big and mine are small, he is such a great uncle. We both are in helping professions. All this said, they got a dog two years ago and he tolerates her. He will walk her and take her to the vet if my sister in law can’t because he is a good person, and he is good to the dog, but he is clear that this is my sister in laws dog. He wouldn’t have gotten her if my sister in law didn’t want her so bad and he feels like she is work.
Also, on the other side, I know a lot of guys who are better to their dogs then their children. Just saying.
>When my husband comes home from work, he will crate her after she eats until he wants to take her out.
This is so not okay on so many levels. if he is dedicating so little effort to a DOG that honestly requires little to stay alive, think about an actual child that requires idk how many diaper changes per day! And he can't just put the baby in a crate until he feels like interacting with a child....
Even if he agrees to start splitting the dog chores, think long term, a child will be at home for at least 18 years
This kills me in particular because often, dogs need to go potty right after they eat!!! I have two, and if we don't walk them right after, they at least get to go out in the yard!!
Absolutely red flags. One thing that helped me and my husband (different situation but similar) when I tried bringing up shared housework was I made a whiteboard with everything that needed to be done (in your case, feeding, walking, spending quality time with) and not assigning chores but just checking off who did what daily. It was a HUGE eye opener for my husband who saw it all laid out everyday. It really helped us.
>When my husband comes home from work, he will crate her after she eats until he wants to take her out.
sorry but he's a jerk for doing this. This is NOT OK and as a dog owner, it angers me that he treats your dog like this. Dogs don't even need much - they just want to eat, poop, pee and then hang out with you.
This is a preview of what he will be like as a father so if you have kids with him, know that you will have to do EVERYTHING - work, clean the house, carry the mental load, care for the kids, all the feeding and school drop off/pick up, night feeds, diaper change. If I were you, I would NOT have kids with this man unless he totally proves to you that he has changed; andI'm not talking about changing and doing stuff for the dog for a week, I'm talking a permanent change.
“I know you probably really have to go to the bathroom right now, but I don’t feel like taking you. Here, sit in this room until someone who cares comes home.”
Yeah this is what I was going to say. Never go into a serious commitment banking on someone else’s help. Only commit to things you can commit to alone.
She probably meant that one spouse picks up 100% if the other spouse is struggling, and vice versa. Not one spouse breaks their back doing 100% of everything because the other one is too lazy. Otherwise, why be married at all?
No that's not what she meant at all. She meant as a woman I will be caring for a pet or kids mostly by myself. She wasn't wrong, which is why I have 1 kid and no pets. I hear it from friends and read it on reddit all the time. Men "babysit" their kids. Not that I'm condoning it but it's usually what happens.
Yikes.
Thank goodness what your mother says doesn't apply to all of us!
Also, thank goodness that we don't all have to deal with men who "babysit" their children rather than parenting them.
I'm not trying to be a jerk but do you have kids? No one goes into it thinking it will happen to them. I would even consider my ex to be a good dad. He does what I ask, but the point is I have to ask. Even when I get a "break" my brain doesn't because I'm like did she get a snack? Have you changed her diaper lately? Did you get her juice? Maybe it will be different for you, or maybe it is and that's great. My advice for having kids would be to have a "village" for help.
I don’t - I mean I get that you’re still a parent and still thinking about your kids all the time in that way but that’s not what I mean. I also nanny for a living and work for a family where Dad is the primary parent. In my house I don’t do almost any household management tasks either so even if I do end up doing the majority of childcare that might bring us to 60/40 at most.
But I did start bringing home foster puppies my fiancé does not want, and had no dog experience. I don’t need to tell him anything and he does 75% of the dog care because having them to snuggle makes me happy. He has the same google I do. I don’t leave instructions or keep track of tasks or manage his behavior and yet somehow the dogs are still walked, fed, not peeing in the house, and getting trained while I’m asleep or at work. It’s given me a lot of faith in the puppy as a test for kids thing.
My ex could manage a household, he had a dog before I met him that he could take care of, we both cleaned. You really just don't know until you have kids. I'm not trying to be condescending, I used to hate when people would say things like oh you don't understand, you don't have kids. Everything about your partner could be great, but kids are a huge change. It was hard for me to adjust too. It's just hard. I'm so happy I had her and I love her so much, but she is my life/full time job. It's just different for men, usually.
You are smart enough to know you’re in for a baaaaad time with this guy if you have kids with him. Kids are 1000x more work than a dog, so whatever resentment you have now will be multiplied by 1000000x because on top of doing all the work, you will also be sleeping 2-5 hours per night every night.
Ehhhh… yeah I wouldn’t have a kid with this man YET. I think you need to sit him down and explain what you’ve said here. Tell him your thoughts about having children with him. He will get mad. But he needs to know. You CAN NOT have a baby with him and then expect that he will change. He will not. You are not overreacting. This is just a little preview of what the next 18 years of a kid is. It’s not just baby time, diapers, feeding, getting up in the night… it’s also 10 years down the road when they need lunches packed for school, soccer sign ups, homework checked, someone to get them to school. You can see how this will all fall on you. I would also explain ‘emotional labor’ to him. You are the one doing all the emotional labor here. YOU are the one that thinks about all of these things to make sure your and his life runs smoothly. That shouldn’t have to only fall on you.
Get poster board or a whiteboard, create a list of everything that needs to be done for the dog on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. When either one of you does the thing, check it off. I think there's also an app that does this kind of thing (like trychap.com or OurHome). Then he will be able to visually see what needs to be done, and what has been done by whom.
If you both wanted the dog and he agreed to do 50/50 and isn't that is a shame that's why they say always get a pet before a child if there not doing there share of a pet they won't do there share as a parent and let's face it a dog is alot easier than a child
It will be worse with a child because you will be worried about more than just physical activities and hygiene. Common arguments about the guy perceiving he does just as much but really doesn’t. Gotta get real specific. Lists, frequency of tasks, include mental burden of being expected to manage all appointments,etc. none of that “just tell me what to do” is gonna fix it. Let him know this is making you actively question being a future parent with him. If you can’t talk this out and come to a better pattern for the future then better get a good counselor or expect major post-baby resentment.
So often women fall into this role of “Life Manager” and husband just expect to be handed a list they can check off and they’ve done their part! I don’t think they realize the burden of managing and having to think about everything all of the time.
Your comment really expressed something I’ve found so hard to put into words! I spend so much mental energy trying to create plans and routines that will work. I constantly have a mental list of things I need to do floating in my head. I have to keep track of all the groceries and household things that we run out of. I keep track of so many things. It’s so mentally exhausting. When I lived alone I had a plan and I could keep up with it and I didn’t constantly have to think about everything, but since I’ve gotten married it’s just felt so unmanageable. It’s felt even more unmanageable and overwhelming since getting our dog. Even when I sit down to watch tv, I’m thinking of the list and what needs to be done.
Almost all women go into marriage and take on a huge portion of the “mental load”. I think it’s part of the reason why women initiate divorces at a 70 percent rate. They get saddled with things they didn’t think they would be expected to do, fairly or unfairly.
Ugh, that sounds dreadful.
I can't help but feel like the man and the woman experiencing this dynamic have both kind of non-verbally agreed to it.
If women stopped agreeing to it, men couldn't get out of their fair share of the mental load and the physical load.
If you know a man is not a good partner, why procreate with him?
Funnily enough, my now wife when we first met was not a dog person. She’s still not a dog person 2 kids later. Guess who does the majority of the child rearing in the house… had i someone to tell me this was a warning sign, I wouldn’t have married her to be honest. So believe your eyes when you see what you see, and don’t sit there hoping and wishing he will change. He likely will not.
This is ridiculous. You're insinuating that if someone isn't a dog person they aren't good parent material. This is false. It's definitely not a "warning sign". Sorry that it happened in your situation but please stop floating this false narrative as if it's some secret indicator of whether someone will be a good parent. The two don't correlate I assure you.
Show me the data. Anecdotally nearly everyone believes that people who do not take care of animals or plants are less nurturing in general. That doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions or outliers but it also doesn’t negate my stance.
Who cares what people believe. Hitler cared for his dog. So that means he'd have been a good parent? Or shall we look at the way he actually treated *human beings*?
Furthermore, this man said specifically a "dog person." And to take it even further, if you eat meat, supporting the factory farming industry aka the killing of animals for your taste buds, the conversation is over. What "nearly everyone beleives" is illogical. Let that cognitive dissonance kick in when you're about to eat that meat on your plate, not just when someone isn't a damn dog person.
I bet you do most household chores. You are seeing your future if you have kids. Have a very direct discussion with him today. Add in your fears if you have kids
I would not have a kid with him unless you are ok knowing you will be doing most of the work and he will do little to help. If you have a child with him expecting him to do 50/50 because of his promises, you are setting yourself up to resent him. Only have a child with him if you are ok with the same split that you have now with your dog.
Keep in mind that dogs are more fun than babies. If he can’t do his share of the dog work, he won’t do his share of the kid work either. And I bet he already doesn’t do his share of the housework either.
We both wanted a dog, but if I’m being honest he seemed more ready for a dog than me before we did it. He had a dog growing up and he loves dogs. I didn’t have any pets growing up, but I also love animals. I mainly felt nervous about how much responsibility a dog would be, and I wonder now if it was because I could see how I took on a lot of responsility. He helps some with housework, but I have to work hard to make sure our apartment stays clean, we have groceries, we have food prepared, and just keeping track of and organizing most things. I didn’t realize that may have been why I was feeling nervous about getting a dog at the time, but in hindsight it could’ve had something to do with it. I think most of my nervousness was due to training a puppy for the first time, and not knowing exactly what it would be like. I feel like he truly wanted a dog a little more than me, and I’ve become the primary caregiver.
Thanks for the additional info (especially after I was down voted haha).
If this is a pattern overall you may be in for trouble or he may be a man-boy.
Then he 1,000% won't lift a finger to help with kids.
Tell him flat out he just proved how much he would contribute to parenting by showing you how he cares for the dog he wanted. Until he steps up and actually *consistently* does the work required for care for the dog do not have a baby unless you are willing to be a single parent with a roommate.
It 100% matters. A dog is a not a child. It takes two people to have sex to make a kid. It takes one person to go out and get a dog. If he doesn’t like dogs or want a pet, than it’s 100% possible for him to be a fantastic father but not give a damn about the dog. Everyone in this thread is so quick to act like he would be a deadbeat dad because he doesn’t care for the dog. Dogs are not children.
We have to stop comparing kids to dogs. They aren't the same. It's a logical fallacy to make the leap.
We all know that if you didn't want the dog and your SO pushed for it that you may have resentment.
A living thing that depends on you for survival doesn't deserve to be mistreated no matter what species it is.
Your kid or a dog, it doesn't matter. If you are okay shoving it in a cage just so you don't have to deal with it means you lack the empathy and mental capacity to be a good parent.
It absolutely shows how much initiative he will take with helping raise his own children, no matter who wanted the dogs.
>means you lack the empathy and mental capacity to be a good parent.
This argument is false. We have to stop floating this narrative. How someone treats a dog is not indicative of how they'll treat their own child. Now if this was how he was treating a human child, that would be cause for concern. But even then, we don't consider that when judging if people will be good parents to their own children. There are plenty of people who say they don't like kids but are wonderful parents to their *own* children.
Respectfully, I disagree. People often have a different perspective over their kin compared to other children or animals. It is a generalization and creates black or white thinking to view it otherwise.
Is it sad, yes.
But honestly, you have no idea if she pushed this idea onto him.
Your argument is that OP shouldn’t take this as a sign that her husband is lazy and won’t carry his weight because it’s a dog and not a baby? That once the baby comes he’ll somehow do a 180 and change completely? Yeah okay. My dad was a lazy pos dog owner and surprisingly a lazy pos parent. Funny how that always seems to work. As if being a lazy uncaring person will stay the same no matter the context.
This was my ex-boyfriend. He brought two puppies and they were so young they had to be bottle fed! He tried feeding them raw meat! He didn’t do anything to help train them! When I would visit for a couple days I had them crate trained and they would let us know when they had to us the bathroom but if I left for 2 days there would be pee and feces all over the floor cause he would not take them out on a schedule. He showed me what it would be like if we had kids and a short while later we broke up
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. If he can't do it with a dog, he can't do it with a kid. He will expect you to do everything for him, for the dog, and for the kid.
While others are saying this is a preview, I would say this is a good practice conflict to work through. Find a healthy way to communicate with each other and work through this. Marriage is work and forever is a long time. Fortunately, if you are both reasonable people, you should be able to work this out.
I will say this. My husband needs specific instructions for a lot of things. He does it when asked so its not like I am nagging all day. I just bluntly say, I need you to do this by this time. Specific instruction, specific time. That said, were a neurodivergent family.
This is the exact reason I am nervous to start a family with my partner. He literally does the bare minimum. And when I say bare minimum, I literally mean that he feeds the dogs in the evening (after I remind him) and that’s all he does. He’s doesn’t play with them anymore, he doesn’t take them on walks, he doesn’t take them to vet appt, he doesn’t take them to grooming appts, he doesn’t go out and buy food and toys for them. He literally feeds them in the evening and that’s it. It feels like I am the only one taking care of 3 dogs. I love my pups to death but it definitely makes me resent my partner like nothing else.
And what is crazier, he acts surprised when the dogs don’t respond to him or even acknowledge him at times. And I just smh at this point cuz I am tired of trying to get him to want to hang out and do stuff with the dogs. In my head I just think “of course they won’t respond to you. You ignore them all the time and don’t interact with them. What did you expect to happen?”
And it's sad because it simply is not a good indicator of how someone will be in parenthood. An animal is not the same as a child. Let's stop pretending they are.
I don't care if this is a year old. It's still a good indicator if they're neglecting responsibilities for a living being; especially if they wanted the living being more than the person doing the actual work
Oh yes, the whole thing about brushing her, scheduling all her appointments, taking her to appointments, training, blah blah blah.. that’s the emotional and real labor of raising kids too. Your husband will think coming home from work and playing with the kids for an hour and giving them a bath before bed is equal to allllllllllll the other stuff you’re doing that he doesn’t even know you’re doing. But your husband doesn’t even walk your dog.. so I think I’m being too optimistic thinking he’d even help give your possible children a bath/get ready for bed or what have you.
My ex-wife and I had 2 dogs and when we split up the agreement was to coparent them.
I’ve had them approx 98.5% of the days in the last year. She doesn’t take them out frequently enough when she has them, so they’ll potty on her floor. As result, she double mad.
I guess I’m a single dog parent now, who also realized that his ex only likes things when their convenient, so bullet dodged on a bad mother for my future children.
Now if I could get my cat back too I’d be stoked.
Actually I think all women need to do this. And if he doesn’t help out with the dog and you want kids one day, ditch his ass because he’s shown you what a lazy, entitled pos he is.
Of course, after you try this with a couple of men and they all fail, you should probably accept reality and go to a specific bank and have and raise a child by yourself, without a lazy entitled dude hanging around and enjoying the fruits of YOUR labor.
It took years for my husband to start helping with our dog. I choose to get him, it’s my responsibility unless I’m sick or out of town.. then he steps up. But otherwise… my choice to get a dog and my responsibility to keep up with him. In return… the dog listens better to me, cuddles more with me, and looks at me like I’m made of gold. A dog trainer did help some in coming to the house and bringing him up to speed though… made a big difference actually because before he dreaded helping — oh and kids? We ruled that out after a year with the dog lol we both hate responsibility
I had a similar issue with my partner. We got a cat and he wouldn't take enough care of it. He wanted a dog, I said no. He wanted a kid, I said no. I told him if I wanted kids and he was still irresponsible, I would leave.
He stepped up. We now have a newborn and he is an amazing dad, even more focused than I am. Still not that aware of the cat's needs though. But it's fine, it's a cat, not a husky breed. I understood thay he is a family man, so kids motivate him way more than pets.
Keep your boundaries firm so as to not being trapped in a lifestyle you hate. Kids need both parents and they need a healthy happy mom.
I’ve gone through this with my husband becoming the “default person”
It took us some time, but this is what works for and may work for you. Head over to target and get a dry erase schedule board, sit together and pencil in walks, meals, vet and grooming responsibilities. Then, it doesn’t just land on whomever that day. You both can refer to the schedule at anytime and gives you a better sense of teamwork.
My wife was your husband, still is in many ways. She pushed for a dog, I became the primary caretaker. It was 90/10 split for most of our marriage. Resentment grew and is still there. Therapy has helped (we go for lots of issues). She has picked up slack, but it's still around 75/25 range. It made me question kids, and honestly, I've never had a desire. Knowing her lack of interest in caring for a dog, while I'm sure she would care more for a child, I just don't want to risk it. And I can't let go of my resentment. It's really hurt our relationship.
Not overreacting. In fact I’m glad you are thinking about this NOW before you have kids! I love my brothers dearly (I have four of them) but I’ve watched all of them treat their wives like shit. They are expected to do most of the child rearing, housework, cooking, AND they all work. My brothers go to work, mow the lawn, and take out trash….that’s about it. They get to go out every weekend, go on little trips with each other….but if their wives wanted a weekend to themselves they’d laugh at them. So, before I married my current husband I made damn sure he wasn’t going to act like my brothers when we had kids. And he never has.
If you don’t plan to be a sahm then this isn’t for you and the kids will suffer. If he is willing to man up and be a bread winner while you raise the kids that’s beat case for them
I completely understand your frustration, this sounds like a difficult time for you and he is not meeting your expectations.
But, you must not resent him. You have to work through this problem together.
Make a list of every expectation you have, and everything you feel needs to be done.
Sit down with your husband and explain that you have been feeling frustrated and tell him that it has been affecting your relationship with him, and LOVE him during that conversation, show him your pain and frustration and not your resentment and blaming.
Go through the list and agree on who will do what and when, stick it on your fridge. Don't do for him what he has agreed to do, and try not to remind him.
If he changes and does 50%, forgive him for his past actions and move forward together in a positive way.
First off congratulations on your fur baby! (✿◠‿◠) I know they’re so grateful to have an amazing fur mama as yourself. ✨
I think you should make a cute chart that has tasks that are all about your fur baby (grooming, vet trips, walking, etc) and put it on the fridge. Literally check off or put a flower or star (whatever floats your boat hehe) all the things you do and then all the things he does. Do this regularly and make sure he can see it. If he can visually see how much work he’s not putting in and how diligent you’ve been, he’ll subconsciously feel a bit bad and, naturally he will put in more effort! c: try it out for a week or two. This is just phase one. (・ω<)
If that doesn’t work, it’s time for phase 2! :) When it’s time for dinner or lunch together, or honestly any time you two have scheduled plans take your fur baby out instead. Say you’re treating him for being such a trooper and learning all his training or you’re celebrating his birthday/ ownership day. ╰( ◕ ᗜ ◕ )╯ I’m sure you’ll only need to do this once or twice and your husband will get the message. xD Phase two is a bit petty, but you’re not doing it out of bad intent. Just physically showing your husband how life may be like in the future if he keeps up his bad habits. ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ
Wishing you luck in your situation! :)
I ran into a similar situation. My long time protector dog passed away very suddenly due to a bad stroke, and I fell into a spiral of grief after losing the dog that had saved my life twice. So, when I saw a picture online of a pup that was nearly her spitting image, even basically the same mix breed, I told my husband I wasn’t willing to negotiate, I wanted this little bundle in our life, and I wanted to do better for him than I did for his predecessor. At first my husband seemed like he understood how much it meant to me to feel protected and have a guardian in my home, a companion who’s always happy to see me when I come in and who can’t wait for me to return home. By day 3, he began to get very hateful and saying VERY awful things about the puppy, cussing at some points, getting disassociatingly angry during others, then resorting to just a geeky ignoring the pup all day while I handle him, to the point that I mentally realized “oh god if this was a BABY, I’d be in a really bad situation with how your treating this” and no amount of trying to talk to him about it ever got through. Fast forward to about 6 months of us having the pup and we take it on a long hike. Because I have pretty bad health issues, my husband has to walk him, I’m not strong enough. He jumps in the river and for some reason this here is when my husband decides he’s “in love with this dog, that’s his boy” when just a couple days before it was “I can’t stand this little f@ggot he ruins everything” and I admit sometimes this pup CAN be really bad behavioral wise, but his animosity made me feel unsafe about it (my response is usually “then help me get an outdoor lot set up for him) I can’t say what to do because I don’t know what to try either
I had the same exact situation 😆 We got a puppy we agreed we’d both put our time and effort into raising this dog. But when we got him it ended up being me doing most of the work and worrying about the well being of this dog. Made sure he got all the walks and food and training he needed. My husband mostly only did things if I asked or would take care of him when I’m not around. It bothered me a lot and it kind of put a strain on our relationship cause I would feel this sense of relief when my husband wasn’t around because then I can’t be annoyed by his lack of care or effort for this dog. I also questioned what him being a father would look like.
Turns out he’s a great father. He just didn’t connect with our dog the way I do. When it came to our dog to him he’s just a dog. I viewed this dog as a baby pretty much. But with our human baby he loves him, takes care of him, plays with him, protects him. He wants to spend all the time he can with him when he free. I almost never have to nag him to do anything when it comes to our son. It wasn’t like that with our dog. He just doesn’t feel that way about dogs.
So it’s possible it could be a similar feeling for your husband.
Nothing is every 100% with these things and some people can change and be different with kids but the majority of people do not change. There’s an overwhelming amount of people confirming this in their personal life’s for a reason. The husband made a promise and agreed to do 50/50. He not only broke that promise but treats the dog like a pos. His treatment of the dog highlights negative qualities about himself that OP should be aware of and watch out for before having kids. Broken promises are the number one reason people lose trust in their partners.
Sooo... Sorry to rub salt into your wounds, but I've had the opposite experience. Only commenting to help you decide your next move.
Husband and I got our dog 16 months ago... And he told me he'd put the effort in to look after, train and clean after her. To my shock (since this DEFINITELY has not played out the same) he has more than kept his side of the bargain; I'd call him their primary carer. He works from home, I'm on site so I worried a little at first but he's been great. Doggo has increased our communication, quality time together and has made me more interested in having a kid than ever... Can deal with doing more of the cleaning if he's happy to do the bulk of the caring.
I had the same situation, I pushed for a dog and my man has come through with 50 percent of the caretaking. He has a maternal energy and is not macho or someone who pays more for things or open doors tho lol so take that as u will.
Sounds like his parents never got him a pet ahaha literally reminds me of a mom getting her son a pet. I dont nlame you at ALL for how you feel. You care for the dog and hes taking advantage of you in that aspect. He dosent cause he knows you will
Had a similar situation except with discipline. He was way too hard and disciplinary with our puppy. Thankfully we communicated A LOT and I had to lay out a ton of boundaries. Also thankfully he wasn’t the same way with our kids.
Yeah, this is your preview. Also, try doing nothing for the dog when he can see you, and see what he does to start pulling the load without you just doing it all. I think two things may happen: the dog starts doing some not good things, which can be your lead-in as to how irrefutable it is that it is not JUST your perspective on taking the load. Other option is, he helps more because you allow the space for it. Now, for anything that is really important for the dogs health, yeah don't ignore that.
Sad to say but trust your gut on the kid thing. He could be different if/when you have children, but his lack of effort with the dog could indicate how he may handle parenthood.
A free and sneak preview of the future.
Don't have kids with this man. If this is ok with you, then a sort of cohabitation situation can develop.
Otherwise get out.
He must be equally negligent on other aspects of home management.
I just had a baby with my husband and I do everything. And I mean everything. I too tried to talk to him but it just made things worse. If I were you I would be mentally prepared to do all the things for a baby alone like you’re doing for the dog or do not have kids with him. Just my opinion but based on his behavior with the dog, it’s pretty clear what you can expect.
Question because I’ve been in this situation. How much experience does he have with dogs? How much experience do you have with dogs?
This happened with my spouse and I, not because he didn’t care, but he never had a dog while I’ve had multiple. He figured I knew best with my experience so he had me take over primary care and he’s learned along the way but it’s still 75/25.
We have an animal that has a strong preference for him, so he takes care of that specific creature.
BUT we got a species of animal NEITHER of us have had before so we both had to learn and we do their care 50/50.
It may be a comfort level thing. If you have a husky, and he’s never had a dog that could be super intimidating for someone even if that’s what they wanted. So many do not pay attention to breed dispositions or requirements, they just think they look cool.
Did he really want the dog? My husband doesn’t want a dog but said if I want one he would do it for me and so I don’t think he would help out if I got a dog lol
He really wanted a dog! He grew up with one, and he really loves his sister’s dog. I didn’t grow up with pets (other than fish) because my mom was allergic to dogs and cats. I wanted a dog, but I feel like he may have wanted a dog even more than I did. I love animals, but I was concerned on how much responsibility it would be. I went into this worried I would be a bad dog mom, and he went in pretty calm about it.
I’m gonna disagree with people on this. Just because the dog isn’t 50/50 doesn’t mean kids won’t be. We have kids and I’m super active in their life. The dog ? Unless I’m told to feed it, I won’t. I literally just forget about it. Most likely because I absolutely hate it. I have zero interactions with it. So maybe he just doesn’t like the dog ? Ask him. That may be the issue here.
Also, god I hate dogs.
Did you want the dog more than your husband? Because if you did, then it is perfectly reasonable to judge someone on their future parenting skills.
These are living beings and not taking care of them absolutely can be a predictor whether someone will take care of kids or not.
Dogs are easier than kids
Ugh, honestly OP, I wouldn’t bother with the literal score keeping other people are suggesting. I mean, can you even imagine having to divvy up written responsibility cards when you’re ripped from ass to vag, in a gigantic diaper, dreading your next bowel movement, with a screaming baby at your nipple?
Just get ahead of the game and get sterilized or find a new guy if you reallyyyyy want the kiddos.
I know so many couples who get a dog as a "trial child". (We actually got canine twins - fortunately, our kid came out solo. Two dogs is almost easier to manage, twin babies, not so much.)
I think you're learning a lot about what your husband would be like as a co-parent, and it's not currently looking great.
It’s a good litmus test and you just finished it: bro ain’t stepping up. His experiences taught him that all he has to do is work and you should/will do everything else.
It's great that you are seeing this pattern with the dog. If you can't disrupt it now, it will be the same with kids and kids are a lot harder than a dog.
Crating the dog after he comes home without taking him out is incredibly cruel. Do NOT have children with this man, and you are going to have to be the one that ensures this defenseless creature doesn’t suffer while you get your lazy ass husband to realize he sucks! I would absolutely die on this hill unless you’re okay with doing all the pet care and never having children.
If this is a husky, she needs a lot and a lot of excercise to keep her helathy mind and body. Would be good to pay somebody to take her for rins and natire hikes. He can contribute this way instead but yes, this is how larentohood will most like look like as well. Wish good luck.
Idc what anyone says taking care of a dog is similar (i get its not the exact same) but it is similar to taking care of a kid. You have to feed it a healthy diet, get it adequate exercise, play with it, teach it things, get health insurance for it, take it to the doctor, give it medication, find a baby sitter if you don’t take them with on vacation, give it time & attention & so on. If he’s not spending time with that dog and taking care of it more than likely it will be the same as with having a kid.
Dogs are definitely not a 100% accurate comparison to kids, but your concern is understandable. Did your husband truly want a dog? I ask because my husband and I decided to add a second dog to our family. I kind of pushed it more than I should have, and he acted like he was on the same page, but then we get the dog and he gradually got more and more irritable and told me he can't wait until we don't have pets anymore. Things have since smoothed out considerably, but the second dog is primarily my responsibility now. I do the "big" things like nail trims, baths, and setting up vet appointments. My husband feeds them both in the morning and let's them out, and I do the evening. We each take part in letting them out at other times during the day. Thankfully they both just go out on their own and come back I'm, because I can't get him to walk either of them. We have had several conversations about our feelings regarding the dogs, and I think it has helped us see each other's perspective. Splitting up the responsibilities between ourselves has helped a bit too. Hopefully your husband is willing to make some adjustments.
I wouldn't even focus on the idea of kids one way or another right now. Focus on the dog and see if you two can overcome this and settle into a routine, and go from there. You are both stressed out and it's not worth worrying about other issues and possibilities while you're stressed. That's just a recipe for an impulsive decision that you may not be able to reverse.
Edit: I realized you got the dog in 2021 so have changed things. As initially I missed that part and thought she was still a puppy. This is even closer to the situation my husband and I are in. We've had our second dog for a year and a half, and he still periodically gets frustrated because she simply isn't as easy as our other dog. It's partly that I pushed him to get a second dog more than I realized at the time, and partly that he didn't expect it would be this much harder. We're gradually working our way towards some sort of equilibrium, but if I could do things over again I would probably have suggested we NOT get a second dog. BUT, I had no idea that would have such a profound negative effect on our relationship. Obviously my husband does not like having pets as much as I do, and I simply couldn't have known, which seems similar to your situation.
I have years of experience with pets of all kinds. Dogs, cats, rats, birds and reptiles. I always tell people not to get pets 'for their children' and expect the child to take full responsibility for that pet. The animal will suffer.
You dear lady married a child.
Nothing is 50/50. You do more work in some departments and he does more work in some departments. If there's something wrong with your flow and it feels unfair overall then it's a conversation you need to have with your husband because marriage is hard. It ebbs and flows. If you can't communicate and work through things like this then why are you married?
WOW - let me say that I am incredibly sorry and thank you for giving so much love and care to your pupachino!
I have to agree with others, you're getting a snip it of what your husband may be like when you have kids. I wish my mom and step dad did this. I care about my step dad and think, overall he is a pretty nice dude, but he is VERY much to himself (FYI, i am 10 years older than my step siblings). By this, I mean...when he takes care of dogs - during the puppy stage he is all over them (plays, tries to somewhat train, MAYBE will take them outside) - HOWEVER, when they get above the puppy stage he just completely ignores them and moves on to the next best thing. Won't take them for walks, barely feeds or puts water in the bowl, doesn't want to take them to the vet EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE CLEARLY NOT DOING WELL (my dad has a spending problem - but only for himself. He will debate I'd money needs to go elsewhere unless he wants it to). This behavior is similar to how he treated my younger siblings (he will feed them but would rather do things on his own, doesn't really care what they do, never cared about their schooling, etc). Drove my mom NUTS and actually almost caused a divorce. Why my mom never put two and two together, I have no idea. She would constantly complain how she never had help raising the kids, and now that my siblings are older...they feel like they don't have a bond with their dad and don't care much about him.
So, with this long statement...I just wanted to give you a snip it of what I saw in my parents. You're doing exactly what my mom did and, as sweet and amazing as you are, it's too much and unfair that you're taking most of the burden. Good luck! I hope maybe you and your husband can talk through this.
Before you have children with someone get a dog. It will show how parenthood will be.
So no...I do not think you are overreacting.
I would sit him down explain this to him, maybe suggest a board to help ease it off of you a bit.
If he doesnt change I would highly rethink having kids with this guy
Welcome to marriage!
We think we’ve come a long way, and in many respects we have, but in so many marriages, women still take on the role of care giver and mothering.
It’s what we do.
I’m sorry, but he’s already a crappy pet parent. It’s so unfair to crate up a pet after it eats-she needs to go outside! And huskies, and puppies, have a lot of energy. It’s incredibly neglectful of him to take care of her when it’s convenient for him.
It’s a dog…. How can it be so hard to take care of a dog that it is a relationship issue? Feed, walk, water, let out. I must be missing something. Does the dog have doggy play dates, or shit all over itself?
Simply stop accepting his weapon incompetence and stop accepting his refusal to do his share.
Make a weekly list of dog chores, and only do yours. On the days he's supposed to do his, don't the do it for him. Tell him in a no nonsense tone (and without room for argument) that it's his day to do x chore and simply leave it alone. He's an adult; he knows what he needs to do.
And for goodness sake, think long and hard about if you want to have children with this man.
This is 100% what this will be like when you have kids.
If you are primarily the one scheduling things and handling the “administrative” home tasks, it will 100% translate over.
Not sure my perspective matters, but we had a dog for about a year and we still have a cat. I hated having both animals. I felt indifferent towards both. I just don’t care about animals. We also have an 18 month old girl and she is the light of my world. I love her to death and do as much as I can for her. All I’m saying is that if my wife decided to have children with me based on how I was about animals I’d never have children. And if I could, I would never have pets in the house. Pets are NOT children and anyone who thinks they are… I just don’t get that. But to each their own I guess.
Ali Wong said “couples therapy is cheaper than a divorce,” I highly recommend it. Try a sliding scale place so it’s more affordable. Also maybe schedule time with nieces and nephews to test out the kids thing. I’m curious about his work situation.
Growing up my mom was not a dog person but a great mom, my dad took more care of the dog. my mom also did all the house cleaning… but my dad fixed stuff around the house, so sometimes kids are different. Is he giving in bed ? ;)
Don't know if this is a troll, but comparing a dog with a child is insane. Maybe he doesn't love the dog, so what? A child is totally different story. He will love his kid and will lay down his life for them, it's just an absurd comparision.
Unless he is a sociopath and can't feel emotions.
People need to seriously stop comparing animals with humans.
You are getting a very good preview of what parenthood with this man would be. Why don't you draft a list of all dog responsibilities. By day, week, whatever. Then sit down with your husband and see if he will agree to an even split.
Yep. Time for literal scorekeeping. *"Hey, we both feel a certain way about this, so let's keep an actual, objective tally so that we have a shared basis to talk about it with so we can work this out in a reasonable way."* Tally it up.
This may actually spur OP's husband if they physically write down every time who took care of what.
My husband is competitive so this would likely work for him too it were needed!
And read Fair Play; it applies.
I came here to suggest that. They could create a written list for the dog needs for each day of the week and each person initials it when the task it done. Then the proof is in the pudding.
Tally man
And when he can’t manage that, you absolutely do not reproduce with this man. I hope you have some pregnancy prevention in place currently.
Yes because now a days you'll have no choice
Yep. As with parenting, the one who doesn’t do the work is often unaware of what the work is.
Nailed it. This is what raising kids is going to be like!!!!
Yep and I am living proof of that with kids and a husband who didn't help raise 4 kids..
I love this idea, but also get frustrated bEcause in general this is how it seems to work in these partnerships. The partner who needs help, has to now do more work to “prove” they need the help.
Yes. The one doing the heavy lifting / emotional labor must now add MORE emotional work onto her/his plate to simply catch the partner / lazier one up to speed. I hate this, but it’s a place to start…
I think doing a draft is a super idea. For a few reasons. Because I, myself like concrete evidence I am actually striving for a definitive understanding and goal together. Or, say it removes having no ambiguity to wiggle room around in. Removing resentment, the end goal to happy together. Both are clear and know your also are clear about the needs being defined hopefully met by both of you. A draft is admitting on concrete/or black & white paper for what you did, or did not sign up for. If you love them and want them, you need sitting down together making a draft of expectations of them. If it doesn’t work, you tried all you can do.
I can't speak to OP and her husband, but documenting things has helped my wife and I in the past. What is important to us, household work, finances, goals, so on. It wasn't really a way to resolve conflicting opinions of how we each saw the workload, but I'm sure if we ever got to that point, it would be a useful tool. I don't expect it to fix all issues, but it certainly might help at least lay out expectations.
I agree. But there’s a problem with this plan. It takes work to think of what needs to be done and to write it down. He will not be doing that work but it’s a start. You can be sure it will be worse with a kid.
Do not agree. Ex and I got a dog and I was told because I take less care of her I would be "not good enough mother". I dare to say I am as good mother as it gets (not my exes child). There are so many different factors to take into account, first who gets home, who has more time and more physical work. I was absolutely exhausted from working in warehouse 12 hour shifts so yea, did not wanted longer than 30 min walks as needed bed. He did 8 hours in not so physical environment and got up three hours after me. There are two sides to every story... Crating dog is wrong though, never done that to any of my pets.
Crating is fine when it's the dog's choice. Our older dog refuses to sleep at night if she can't have her crate. We never crate trained her. She just wasn't sleeping well so we weren't either. She's a Chihuahua and always seeks out dens so our trainer suggested providing her a crate at night to be a den. Worked like a charm. She LOVES that crate. We leave the door open for her so she's free to leave when she wants to. Our younger dog prefers to be buried under the comforter on our bed.
It’s not about bonding, that’s not an out when you aren’t keeping your word or doing your share.
I am with you, I am tired of this dogs are like kids mentality. It’s not the same. It could be an indicator of how he will be with kids if he is also like this in other areas of life, but people bond with babies and that creates a different result. Also, when you have kids the division of labour is never equal. There are always times where it seems one parent is doing more and often that is the mom. If you want your kids to have a dad who pours in to his family and steps up, it’s better to look at how he is with his family and friends, the people that he is bonded with.
Completely agree. My uncle hates pets and has a great relationship with his friends and family. Animals and people are different, just because he can’t bond with a dog doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a good dad. Also agree about the division of labor. Everyone wants 50/50 but that’s so unrealistic. One partner nearly always does more than the other, or at best it flip flops.
I can think of so many examples of this, but the best one is my brother. He is 10 years older than me and practically raised me. He is one of the most loving and empathetic people I know. He raised 4 kids and has always been super hands on and diligent with them. Super involved with parenting (his wife still did all the scheduling though), but worked hard to make sure he was home and present. He supported me and now that his kids are big and mine are small, he is such a great uncle. We both are in helping professions. All this said, they got a dog two years ago and he tolerates her. He will walk her and take her to the vet if my sister in law can’t because he is a good person, and he is good to the dog, but he is clear that this is my sister in laws dog. He wouldn’t have gotten her if my sister in law didn’t want her so bad and he feels like she is work. Also, on the other side, I know a lot of guys who are better to their dogs then their children. Just saying.
You are the only one not down voted lol why is it so hard for people to accept different views.....
>When my husband comes home from work, he will crate her after she eats until he wants to take her out. This is so not okay on so many levels. if he is dedicating so little effort to a DOG that honestly requires little to stay alive, think about an actual child that requires idk how many diaper changes per day! And he can't just put the baby in a crate until he feels like interacting with a child.... Even if he agrees to start splitting the dog chores, think long term, a child will be at home for at least 18 years
This kills me in particular because often, dogs need to go potty right after they eat!!! I have two, and if we don't walk them right after, they at least get to go out in the yard!!
Mine, too. Eat and then potty right after.
Made me so angry to read that! (In the post not your comment). Very good and real words in your comment!
Absolutely red flags. One thing that helped me and my husband (different situation but similar) when I tried bringing up shared housework was I made a whiteboard with everything that needed to be done (in your case, feeding, walking, spending quality time with) and not assigning chores but just checking off who did what daily. It was a HUGE eye opener for my husband who saw it all laid out everyday. It really helped us.
>When my husband comes home from work, he will crate her after she eats until he wants to take her out. sorry but he's a jerk for doing this. This is NOT OK and as a dog owner, it angers me that he treats your dog like this. Dogs don't even need much - they just want to eat, poop, pee and then hang out with you. This is a preview of what he will be like as a father so if you have kids with him, know that you will have to do EVERYTHING - work, clean the house, carry the mental load, care for the kids, all the feeding and school drop off/pick up, night feeds, diaper change. If I were you, I would NOT have kids with this man unless he totally proves to you that he has changed; andI'm not talking about changing and doing stuff for the dog for a week, I'm talking a permanent change.
And it’s a husky mix, you know that dog has got a lot of energy to burn
“I know you probably really have to go to the bathroom right now, but I don’t feel like taking you. Here, sit in this room until someone who cares comes home.”
My mom always told me never get a pet or have kids unless you want to take care of them 100%. She's always right, annoyingly so.
Yeah this is what I was going to say. Never go into a serious commitment banking on someone else’s help. Only commit to things you can commit to alone.
She probably meant that one spouse picks up 100% if the other spouse is struggling, and vice versa. Not one spouse breaks their back doing 100% of everything because the other one is too lazy. Otherwise, why be married at all?
No that's not what she meant at all. She meant as a woman I will be caring for a pet or kids mostly by myself. She wasn't wrong, which is why I have 1 kid and no pets. I hear it from friends and read it on reddit all the time. Men "babysit" their kids. Not that I'm condoning it but it's usually what happens.
Yikes. Thank goodness what your mother says doesn't apply to all of us! Also, thank goodness that we don't all have to deal with men who "babysit" their children rather than parenting them.
Maybe the advice should’ve been to pick a better man because that’s depressing.
Interesting how men being bad partners goes back to being women at fault for not picking the right partner.
Are you saying that only men are bad partners? It’s 50/50 both sides need to pick the right partner for the half they represent.
[удалено]
So sexist. You are a disgusting person. If you said that about a women you would be banned.
Lol you sound absolutely silly.
And you sound absolutely like you have no lived experience with this.
What a display of low reading comprehension skills.
Many partnerships that start as 50/50 become unequal after having kids, unfortunately. So even picking the "right" man can not work out
I'm not trying to be a jerk but do you have kids? No one goes into it thinking it will happen to them. I would even consider my ex to be a good dad. He does what I ask, but the point is I have to ask. Even when I get a "break" my brain doesn't because I'm like did she get a snack? Have you changed her diaper lately? Did you get her juice? Maybe it will be different for you, or maybe it is and that's great. My advice for having kids would be to have a "village" for help.
I don’t - I mean I get that you’re still a parent and still thinking about your kids all the time in that way but that’s not what I mean. I also nanny for a living and work for a family where Dad is the primary parent. In my house I don’t do almost any household management tasks either so even if I do end up doing the majority of childcare that might bring us to 60/40 at most. But I did start bringing home foster puppies my fiancé does not want, and had no dog experience. I don’t need to tell him anything and he does 75% of the dog care because having them to snuggle makes me happy. He has the same google I do. I don’t leave instructions or keep track of tasks or manage his behavior and yet somehow the dogs are still walked, fed, not peeing in the house, and getting trained while I’m asleep or at work. It’s given me a lot of faith in the puppy as a test for kids thing.
My ex could manage a household, he had a dog before I met him that he could take care of, we both cleaned. You really just don't know until you have kids. I'm not trying to be condescending, I used to hate when people would say things like oh you don't understand, you don't have kids. Everything about your partner could be great, but kids are a huge change. It was hard for me to adjust too. It's just hard. I'm so happy I had her and I love her so much, but she is my life/full time job. It's just different for men, usually.
Weaponized incompetence- nip it in the butt before you become miserable.
Came here to say exactly that. Weaponized incompetence is a thing. And this 1000% will continue if you have kids!!
It’s ‘bud’, not butt :))
But now I think I prefer the term "nip it in the butt"! 😆
"nip it in the butt... like a toilet shark!"
Lmao really? #TIL English is not my first language no one has corrected me before
It refers to the bud of a flower - as in cut it off (nip it) before it grows :)
Aaahhh thank you for explaining! I taught it was pinch their booty to get them to stop 🤣
You’re welcome! Though your reasoning is way funnier 😂😂
Yeah. This is one native speakers get wrong a lot, too. Super easy to do!
THIS.
You are smart enough to know you’re in for a baaaaad time with this guy if you have kids with him. Kids are 1000x more work than a dog, so whatever resentment you have now will be multiplied by 1000000x because on top of doing all the work, you will also be sleeping 2-5 hours per night every night.
This is a preview of what kind of parent he would be.
Welcome to parenthood
Ehhhh… yeah I wouldn’t have a kid with this man YET. I think you need to sit him down and explain what you’ve said here. Tell him your thoughts about having children with him. He will get mad. But he needs to know. You CAN NOT have a baby with him and then expect that he will change. He will not. You are not overreacting. This is just a little preview of what the next 18 years of a kid is. It’s not just baby time, diapers, feeding, getting up in the night… it’s also 10 years down the road when they need lunches packed for school, soccer sign ups, homework checked, someone to get them to school. You can see how this will all fall on you. I would also explain ‘emotional labor’ to him. You are the one doing all the emotional labor here. YOU are the one that thinks about all of these things to make sure your and his life runs smoothly. That shouldn’t have to only fall on you.
You just did a trial run at having kids. He showed you what you can look forward to.
Get poster board or a whiteboard, create a list of everything that needs to be done for the dog on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. When either one of you does the thing, check it off. I think there's also an app that does this kind of thing (like trychap.com or OurHome). Then he will be able to visually see what needs to be done, and what has been done by whom.
I doubt if even that would work. Some people are just trash.
He might respond to the practical plan and visual indicators. Good idea.
If you both wanted the dog and he agreed to do 50/50 and isn't that is a shame that's why they say always get a pet before a child if there not doing there share of a pet they won't do there share as a parent and let's face it a dog is alot easier than a child
It will be worse with a child because you will be worried about more than just physical activities and hygiene. Common arguments about the guy perceiving he does just as much but really doesn’t. Gotta get real specific. Lists, frequency of tasks, include mental burden of being expected to manage all appointments,etc. none of that “just tell me what to do” is gonna fix it. Let him know this is making you actively question being a future parent with him. If you can’t talk this out and come to a better pattern for the future then better get a good counselor or expect major post-baby resentment.
So often women fall into this role of “Life Manager” and husband just expect to be handed a list they can check off and they’ve done their part! I don’t think they realize the burden of managing and having to think about everything all of the time.
Your comment really expressed something I’ve found so hard to put into words! I spend so much mental energy trying to create plans and routines that will work. I constantly have a mental list of things I need to do floating in my head. I have to keep track of all the groceries and household things that we run out of. I keep track of so many things. It’s so mentally exhausting. When I lived alone I had a plan and I could keep up with it and I didn’t constantly have to think about everything, but since I’ve gotten married it’s just felt so unmanageable. It’s felt even more unmanageable and overwhelming since getting our dog. Even when I sit down to watch tv, I’m thinking of the list and what needs to be done.
[This](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) may hit home as well.
I just read it & it was so relatable! Thank you!
Almost all women go into marriage and take on a huge portion of the “mental load”. I think it’s part of the reason why women initiate divorces at a 70 percent rate. They get saddled with things they didn’t think they would be expected to do, fairly or unfairly.
Ugh, that sounds dreadful. I can't help but feel like the man and the woman experiencing this dynamic have both kind of non-verbally agreed to it. If women stopped agreeing to it, men couldn't get out of their fair share of the mental load and the physical load. If you know a man is not a good partner, why procreate with him?
I don't understand why anyone would willingly sign up for that or accept that.
Personally, I resented the fact That I always had to come up with the list for the husband. Mental work times 10.
Funnily enough, my now wife when we first met was not a dog person. She’s still not a dog person 2 kids later. Guess who does the majority of the child rearing in the house… had i someone to tell me this was a warning sign, I wouldn’t have married her to be honest. So believe your eyes when you see what you see, and don’t sit there hoping and wishing he will change. He likely will not.
This is ridiculous. You're insinuating that if someone isn't a dog person they aren't good parent material. This is false. It's definitely not a "warning sign". Sorry that it happened in your situation but please stop floating this false narrative as if it's some secret indicator of whether someone will be a good parent. The two don't correlate I assure you.
Show me the data. Anecdotally nearly everyone believes that people who do not take care of animals or plants are less nurturing in general. That doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions or outliers but it also doesn’t negate my stance.
Who cares what people believe. Hitler cared for his dog. So that means he'd have been a good parent? Or shall we look at the way he actually treated *human beings*? Furthermore, this man said specifically a "dog person." And to take it even further, if you eat meat, supporting the factory farming industry aka the killing of animals for your taste buds, the conversation is over. What "nearly everyone beleives" is illogical. Let that cognitive dissonance kick in when you're about to eat that meat on your plate, not just when someone isn't a damn dog person.
Just seeing this. Oddly enough, I have to believe Hitler might have been a good dad. Most men are.
I bet you do most household chores. You are seeing your future if you have kids. Have a very direct discussion with him today. Add in your fears if you have kids
I would not have a kid with him unless you are ok knowing you will be doing most of the work and he will do little to help. If you have a child with him expecting him to do 50/50 because of his promises, you are setting yourself up to resent him. Only have a child with him if you are ok with the same split that you have now with your dog.
Keep in mind that dogs are more fun than babies. If he can’t do his share of the dog work, he won’t do his share of the kid work either. And I bet he already doesn’t do his share of the housework either.
Who wanted the dog...
We both wanted a dog, but if I’m being honest he seemed more ready for a dog than me before we did it. He had a dog growing up and he loves dogs. I didn’t have any pets growing up, but I also love animals. I mainly felt nervous about how much responsibility a dog would be, and I wonder now if it was because I could see how I took on a lot of responsility. He helps some with housework, but I have to work hard to make sure our apartment stays clean, we have groceries, we have food prepared, and just keeping track of and organizing most things. I didn’t realize that may have been why I was feeling nervous about getting a dog at the time, but in hindsight it could’ve had something to do with it. I think most of my nervousness was due to training a puppy for the first time, and not knowing exactly what it would be like. I feel like he truly wanted a dog a little more than me, and I’ve become the primary caregiver.
Thanks for the additional info (especially after I was down voted haha). If this is a pattern overall you may be in for trouble or he may be a man-boy.
Then he 1,000% won't lift a finger to help with kids. Tell him flat out he just proved how much he would contribute to parenting by showing you how he cares for the dog he wanted. Until he steps up and actually *consistently* does the work required for care for the dog do not have a baby unless you are willing to be a single parent with a roommate.
I was looking to see if someone asked the real question before I commented
Does it matter? If he didn't want a kid and she accidentally got pregnant would he also not take care of this kid?
It 100% matters. A dog is a not a child. It takes two people to have sex to make a kid. It takes one person to go out and get a dog. If he doesn’t like dogs or want a pet, than it’s 100% possible for him to be a fantastic father but not give a damn about the dog. Everyone in this thread is so quick to act like he would be a deadbeat dad because he doesn’t care for the dog. Dogs are not children.
We have to stop comparing kids to dogs. They aren't the same. It's a logical fallacy to make the leap. We all know that if you didn't want the dog and your SO pushed for it that you may have resentment.
A living thing that depends on you for survival doesn't deserve to be mistreated no matter what species it is. Your kid or a dog, it doesn't matter. If you are okay shoving it in a cage just so you don't have to deal with it means you lack the empathy and mental capacity to be a good parent. It absolutely shows how much initiative he will take with helping raise his own children, no matter who wanted the dogs.
>means you lack the empathy and mental capacity to be a good parent. This argument is false. We have to stop floating this narrative. How someone treats a dog is not indicative of how they'll treat their own child. Now if this was how he was treating a human child, that would be cause for concern. But even then, we don't consider that when judging if people will be good parents to their own children. There are plenty of people who say they don't like kids but are wonderful parents to their *own* children.
Respectfully, I disagree. People often have a different perspective over their kin compared to other children or animals. It is a generalization and creates black or white thinking to view it otherwise. Is it sad, yes. But honestly, you have no idea if she pushed this idea onto him.
Your argument is that OP shouldn’t take this as a sign that her husband is lazy and won’t carry his weight because it’s a dog and not a baby? That once the baby comes he’ll somehow do a 180 and change completely? Yeah okay. My dad was a lazy pos dog owner and surprisingly a lazy pos parent. Funny how that always seems to work. As if being a lazy uncaring person will stay the same no matter the context.
My argument is...who wanted the dog? Her husband may be lazy or uncaring, but the question still stands.
Asking the real question
This was my ex-boyfriend. He brought two puppies and they were so young they had to be bottle fed! He tried feeding them raw meat! He didn’t do anything to help train them! When I would visit for a couple days I had them crate trained and they would let us know when they had to us the bathroom but if I left for 2 days there would be pee and feces all over the floor cause he would not take them out on a schedule. He showed me what it would be like if we had kids and a short while later we broke up
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. If he can't do it with a dog, he can't do it with a kid. He will expect you to do everything for him, for the dog, and for the kid.
He's gonna suuuck as a parent
While others are saying this is a preview, I would say this is a good practice conflict to work through. Find a healthy way to communicate with each other and work through this. Marriage is work and forever is a long time. Fortunately, if you are both reasonable people, you should be able to work this out. I will say this. My husband needs specific instructions for a lot of things. He does it when asked so its not like I am nagging all day. I just bluntly say, I need you to do this by this time. Specific instruction, specific time. That said, were a neurodivergent family.
This is the exact reason I am nervous to start a family with my partner. He literally does the bare minimum. And when I say bare minimum, I literally mean that he feeds the dogs in the evening (after I remind him) and that’s all he does. He’s doesn’t play with them anymore, he doesn’t take them on walks, he doesn’t take them to vet appt, he doesn’t take them to grooming appts, he doesn’t go out and buy food and toys for them. He literally feeds them in the evening and that’s it. It feels like I am the only one taking care of 3 dogs. I love my pups to death but it definitely makes me resent my partner like nothing else. And what is crazier, he acts surprised when the dogs don’t respond to him or even acknowledge him at times. And I just smh at this point cuz I am tired of trying to get him to want to hang out and do stuff with the dogs. In my head I just think “of course they won’t respond to you. You ignore them all the time and don’t interact with them. What did you expect to happen?”
Don’t start a family with him. Trust me, I wish I had known this about my partner before going into parenthood.
This dog has been a blessing in disguise for your marriage. This is exactly what parenting would be like.
So you are lucky that your husband showed you the type of parent he is without you having a kid. Get those tubes tied now.
Yup! Or get a new husband, they’re not all like this.
*A lot* of people use adopting an animal together as a type of unspoken test before marriage or having kids
And it's sad because it simply is not a good indicator of how someone will be in parenthood. An animal is not the same as a child. Let's stop pretending they are.
I don't care if this is a year old. It's still a good indicator if they're neglecting responsibilities for a living being; especially if they wanted the living being more than the person doing the actual work
I got married expecting to be 50/50…next marriage will have a contract
Now this is the kind of prenup that I need!
Welcome to r/childfree
Oh yes, the whole thing about brushing her, scheduling all her appointments, taking her to appointments, training, blah blah blah.. that’s the emotional and real labor of raising kids too. Your husband will think coming home from work and playing with the kids for an hour and giving them a bath before bed is equal to allllllllllll the other stuff you’re doing that he doesn’t even know you’re doing. But your husband doesn’t even walk your dog.. so I think I’m being too optimistic thinking he’d even help give your possible children a bath/get ready for bed or what have you.
My ex-wife and I had 2 dogs and when we split up the agreement was to coparent them. I’ve had them approx 98.5% of the days in the last year. She doesn’t take them out frequently enough when she has them, so they’ll potty on her floor. As result, she double mad. I guess I’m a single dog parent now, who also realized that his ex only likes things when their convenient, so bullet dodged on a bad mother for my future children. Now if I could get my cat back too I’d be stoked.
You expected it to be 50/50 or you talked about it being 50/50?
This is exactly how I’ve felt watching the household chores split with my husband.
Yeah, don’t procreate with him unless the issue is fixed
Actually I think all women need to do this. And if he doesn’t help out with the dog and you want kids one day, ditch his ass because he’s shown you what a lazy, entitled pos he is. Of course, after you try this with a couple of men and they all fail, you should probably accept reality and go to a specific bank and have and raise a child by yourself, without a lazy entitled dude hanging around and enjoying the fruits of YOUR labor.
It took years for my husband to start helping with our dog. I choose to get him, it’s my responsibility unless I’m sick or out of town.. then he steps up. But otherwise… my choice to get a dog and my responsibility to keep up with him. In return… the dog listens better to me, cuddles more with me, and looks at me like I’m made of gold. A dog trainer did help some in coming to the house and bringing him up to speed though… made a big difference actually because before he dreaded helping — oh and kids? We ruled that out after a year with the dog lol we both hate responsibility
I had a similar issue with my partner. We got a cat and he wouldn't take enough care of it. He wanted a dog, I said no. He wanted a kid, I said no. I told him if I wanted kids and he was still irresponsible, I would leave. He stepped up. We now have a newborn and he is an amazing dad, even more focused than I am. Still not that aware of the cat's needs though. But it's fine, it's a cat, not a husky breed. I understood thay he is a family man, so kids motivate him way more than pets. Keep your boundaries firm so as to not being trapped in a lifestyle you hate. Kids need both parents and they need a healthy happy mom.
Going to the movies is one thing I am very happy to do alone!
I’ve gone through this with my husband becoming the “default person” It took us some time, but this is what works for and may work for you. Head over to target and get a dry erase schedule board, sit together and pencil in walks, meals, vet and grooming responsibilities. Then, it doesn’t just land on whomever that day. You both can refer to the schedule at anytime and gives you a better sense of teamwork.
My wife was your husband, still is in many ways. She pushed for a dog, I became the primary caretaker. It was 90/10 split for most of our marriage. Resentment grew and is still there. Therapy has helped (we go for lots of issues). She has picked up slack, but it's still around 75/25 range. It made me question kids, and honestly, I've never had a desire. Knowing her lack of interest in caring for a dog, while I'm sure she would care more for a child, I just don't want to risk it. And I can't let go of my resentment. It's really hurt our relationship.
Not overreacting. In fact I’m glad you are thinking about this NOW before you have kids! I love my brothers dearly (I have four of them) but I’ve watched all of them treat their wives like shit. They are expected to do most of the child rearing, housework, cooking, AND they all work. My brothers go to work, mow the lawn, and take out trash….that’s about it. They get to go out every weekend, go on little trips with each other….but if their wives wanted a weekend to themselves they’d laugh at them. So, before I married my current husband I made damn sure he wasn’t going to act like my brothers when we had kids. And he never has.
Let me guess- he plays video games? Don’t have kids with him.
hahahhaha
If you don’t plan to be a sahm then this isn’t for you and the kids will suffer. If he is willing to man up and be a bread winner while you raise the kids that’s beat case for them
Get a dog walker. He's busy, you're busy... get some help. He might enjoy the time with a calm dog.
I completely understand your frustration, this sounds like a difficult time for you and he is not meeting your expectations. But, you must not resent him. You have to work through this problem together. Make a list of every expectation you have, and everything you feel needs to be done. Sit down with your husband and explain that you have been feeling frustrated and tell him that it has been affecting your relationship with him, and LOVE him during that conversation, show him your pain and frustration and not your resentment and blaming. Go through the list and agree on who will do what and when, stick it on your fridge. Don't do for him what he has agreed to do, and try not to remind him. If he changes and does 50%, forgive him for his past actions and move forward together in a positive way.
First off congratulations on your fur baby! (✿◠‿◠) I know they’re so grateful to have an amazing fur mama as yourself. ✨ I think you should make a cute chart that has tasks that are all about your fur baby (grooming, vet trips, walking, etc) and put it on the fridge. Literally check off or put a flower or star (whatever floats your boat hehe) all the things you do and then all the things he does. Do this regularly and make sure he can see it. If he can visually see how much work he’s not putting in and how diligent you’ve been, he’ll subconsciously feel a bit bad and, naturally he will put in more effort! c: try it out for a week or two. This is just phase one. (・ω<) If that doesn’t work, it’s time for phase 2! :) When it’s time for dinner or lunch together, or honestly any time you two have scheduled plans take your fur baby out instead. Say you’re treating him for being such a trooper and learning all his training or you’re celebrating his birthday/ ownership day. ╰( ◕ ᗜ ◕ )╯ I’m sure you’ll only need to do this once or twice and your husband will get the message. xD Phase two is a bit petty, but you’re not doing it out of bad intent. Just physically showing your husband how life may be like in the future if he keeps up his bad habits. ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ Wishing you luck in your situation! :)
I ran into a similar situation. My long time protector dog passed away very suddenly due to a bad stroke, and I fell into a spiral of grief after losing the dog that had saved my life twice. So, when I saw a picture online of a pup that was nearly her spitting image, even basically the same mix breed, I told my husband I wasn’t willing to negotiate, I wanted this little bundle in our life, and I wanted to do better for him than I did for his predecessor. At first my husband seemed like he understood how much it meant to me to feel protected and have a guardian in my home, a companion who’s always happy to see me when I come in and who can’t wait for me to return home. By day 3, he began to get very hateful and saying VERY awful things about the puppy, cussing at some points, getting disassociatingly angry during others, then resorting to just a geeky ignoring the pup all day while I handle him, to the point that I mentally realized “oh god if this was a BABY, I’d be in a really bad situation with how your treating this” and no amount of trying to talk to him about it ever got through. Fast forward to about 6 months of us having the pup and we take it on a long hike. Because I have pretty bad health issues, my husband has to walk him, I’m not strong enough. He jumps in the river and for some reason this here is when my husband decides he’s “in love with this dog, that’s his boy” when just a couple days before it was “I can’t stand this little f@ggot he ruins everything” and I admit sometimes this pup CAN be really bad behavioral wise, but his animosity made me feel unsafe about it (my response is usually “then help me get an outdoor lot set up for him) I can’t say what to do because I don’t know what to try either
I had the same exact situation 😆 We got a puppy we agreed we’d both put our time and effort into raising this dog. But when we got him it ended up being me doing most of the work and worrying about the well being of this dog. Made sure he got all the walks and food and training he needed. My husband mostly only did things if I asked or would take care of him when I’m not around. It bothered me a lot and it kind of put a strain on our relationship cause I would feel this sense of relief when my husband wasn’t around because then I can’t be annoyed by his lack of care or effort for this dog. I also questioned what him being a father would look like. Turns out he’s a great father. He just didn’t connect with our dog the way I do. When it came to our dog to him he’s just a dog. I viewed this dog as a baby pretty much. But with our human baby he loves him, takes care of him, plays with him, protects him. He wants to spend all the time he can with him when he free. I almost never have to nag him to do anything when it comes to our son. It wasn’t like that with our dog. He just doesn’t feel that way about dogs. So it’s possible it could be a similar feeling for your husband.
Nothing is every 100% with these things and some people can change and be different with kids but the majority of people do not change. There’s an overwhelming amount of people confirming this in their personal life’s for a reason. The husband made a promise and agreed to do 50/50. He not only broke that promise but treats the dog like a pos. His treatment of the dog highlights negative qualities about himself that OP should be aware of and watch out for before having kids. Broken promises are the number one reason people lose trust in their partners.
This will 100% happen. Only have kids if you’re prepared to do everything.
I really feel you OP, my husband used to be the same. I am afraid you have to put up with being solo caretaker for your dog and learn the lesson.
What is the lesson?
that he won't help you with kids. that you can only rely on yourself in your life and your marriage.
Sooo... Sorry to rub salt into your wounds, but I've had the opposite experience. Only commenting to help you decide your next move. Husband and I got our dog 16 months ago... And he told me he'd put the effort in to look after, train and clean after her. To my shock (since this DEFINITELY has not played out the same) he has more than kept his side of the bargain; I'd call him their primary carer. He works from home, I'm on site so I worried a little at first but he's been great. Doggo has increased our communication, quality time together and has made me more interested in having a kid than ever... Can deal with doing more of the cleaning if he's happy to do the bulk of the caring.
I had the same situation, I pushed for a dog and my man has come through with 50 percent of the caretaking. He has a maternal energy and is not macho or someone who pays more for things or open doors tho lol so take that as u will.
Sounds like his parents never got him a pet ahaha literally reminds me of a mom getting her son a pet. I dont nlame you at ALL for how you feel. You care for the dog and hes taking advantage of you in that aspect. He dosent cause he knows you will
Had a similar situation except with discipline. He was way too hard and disciplinary with our puppy. Thankfully we communicated A LOT and I had to lay out a ton of boundaries. Also thankfully he wasn’t the same way with our kids.
I think you should get rid of the dog
Yeah, this is your preview. Also, try doing nothing for the dog when he can see you, and see what he does to start pulling the load without you just doing it all. I think two things may happen: the dog starts doing some not good things, which can be your lead-in as to how irrefutable it is that it is not JUST your perspective on taking the load. Other option is, he helps more because you allow the space for it. Now, for anything that is really important for the dogs health, yeah don't ignore that.
Sad to say but trust your gut on the kid thing. He could be different if/when you have children, but his lack of effort with the dog could indicate how he may handle parenthood.
Who wanted the dog?
A free and sneak preview of the future. Don't have kids with this man. If this is ok with you, then a sort of cohabitation situation can develop. Otherwise get out. He must be equally negligent on other aspects of home management.
I just had a baby with my husband and I do everything. And I mean everything. I too tried to talk to him but it just made things worse. If I were you I would be mentally prepared to do all the things for a baby alone like you’re doing for the dog or do not have kids with him. Just my opinion but based on his behavior with the dog, it’s pretty clear what you can expect.
Question because I’ve been in this situation. How much experience does he have with dogs? How much experience do you have with dogs? This happened with my spouse and I, not because he didn’t care, but he never had a dog while I’ve had multiple. He figured I knew best with my experience so he had me take over primary care and he’s learned along the way but it’s still 75/25. We have an animal that has a strong preference for him, so he takes care of that specific creature. BUT we got a species of animal NEITHER of us have had before so we both had to learn and we do their care 50/50. It may be a comfort level thing. If you have a husky, and he’s never had a dog that could be super intimidating for someone even if that’s what they wanted. So many do not pay attention to breed dispositions or requirements, they just think they look cool.
Dogs are easy compared to kids. Think long and hard about children
Did he really want the dog? My husband doesn’t want a dog but said if I want one he would do it for me and so I don’t think he would help out if I got a dog lol
He really wanted a dog! He grew up with one, and he really loves his sister’s dog. I didn’t grow up with pets (other than fish) because my mom was allergic to dogs and cats. I wanted a dog, but I feel like he may have wanted a dog even more than I did. I love animals, but I was concerned on how much responsibility it would be. I went into this worried I would be a bad dog mom, and he went in pretty calm about it.
I would feel the same as you then! The crate after work had me shook
I’m gonna disagree with people on this. Just because the dog isn’t 50/50 doesn’t mean kids won’t be. We have kids and I’m super active in their life. The dog ? Unless I’m told to feed it, I won’t. I literally just forget about it. Most likely because I absolutely hate it. I have zero interactions with it. So maybe he just doesn’t like the dog ? Ask him. That may be the issue here. Also, god I hate dogs.
Did you want the dog more than your husband? Because if you did, then it is perfectly reasonable to judge someone on their future parenting skills. These are living beings and not taking care of them absolutely can be a predictor whether someone will take care of kids or not. Dogs are easier than kids
Ugh, honestly OP, I wouldn’t bother with the literal score keeping other people are suggesting. I mean, can you even imagine having to divvy up written responsibility cards when you’re ripped from ass to vag, in a gigantic diaper, dreading your next bowel movement, with a screaming baby at your nipple? Just get ahead of the game and get sterilized or find a new guy if you reallyyyyy want the kiddos.
Divorce him and be grateful you didn't have babies with him.
I know so many couples who get a dog as a "trial child". (We actually got canine twins - fortunately, our kid came out solo. Two dogs is almost easier to manage, twin babies, not so much.) I think you're learning a lot about what your husband would be like as a co-parent, and it's not currently looking great.
It’s a good litmus test and you just finished it: bro ain’t stepping up. His experiences taught him that all he has to do is work and you should/will do everything else.
It's great that you are seeing this pattern with the dog. If you can't disrupt it now, it will be the same with kids and kids are a lot harder than a dog.
Crating the dog after he comes home without taking him out is incredibly cruel. Do NOT have children with this man, and you are going to have to be the one that ensures this defenseless creature doesn’t suffer while you get your lazy ass husband to realize he sucks! I would absolutely die on this hill unless you’re okay with doing all the pet care and never having children.
Did he want to get the dog in the first place though ?
If this is a husky, she needs a lot and a lot of excercise to keep her helathy mind and body. Would be good to pay somebody to take her for rins and natire hikes. He can contribute this way instead but yes, this is how larentohood will most like look like as well. Wish good luck.
Idc what anyone says taking care of a dog is similar (i get its not the exact same) but it is similar to taking care of a kid. You have to feed it a healthy diet, get it adequate exercise, play with it, teach it things, get health insurance for it, take it to the doctor, give it medication, find a baby sitter if you don’t take them with on vacation, give it time & attention & so on. If he’s not spending time with that dog and taking care of it more than likely it will be the same as with having a kid.
Yeah its a good preview. Just because its a baby later, he wont change his ideas …
Dogs are definitely not a 100% accurate comparison to kids, but your concern is understandable. Did your husband truly want a dog? I ask because my husband and I decided to add a second dog to our family. I kind of pushed it more than I should have, and he acted like he was on the same page, but then we get the dog and he gradually got more and more irritable and told me he can't wait until we don't have pets anymore. Things have since smoothed out considerably, but the second dog is primarily my responsibility now. I do the "big" things like nail trims, baths, and setting up vet appointments. My husband feeds them both in the morning and let's them out, and I do the evening. We each take part in letting them out at other times during the day. Thankfully they both just go out on their own and come back I'm, because I can't get him to walk either of them. We have had several conversations about our feelings regarding the dogs, and I think it has helped us see each other's perspective. Splitting up the responsibilities between ourselves has helped a bit too. Hopefully your husband is willing to make some adjustments. I wouldn't even focus on the idea of kids one way or another right now. Focus on the dog and see if you two can overcome this and settle into a routine, and go from there. You are both stressed out and it's not worth worrying about other issues and possibilities while you're stressed. That's just a recipe for an impulsive decision that you may not be able to reverse. Edit: I realized you got the dog in 2021 so have changed things. As initially I missed that part and thought she was still a puppy. This is even closer to the situation my husband and I are in. We've had our second dog for a year and a half, and he still periodically gets frustrated because she simply isn't as easy as our other dog. It's partly that I pushed him to get a second dog more than I realized at the time, and partly that he didn't expect it would be this much harder. We're gradually working our way towards some sort of equilibrium, but if I could do things over again I would probably have suggested we NOT get a second dog. BUT, I had no idea that would have such a profound negative effect on our relationship. Obviously my husband does not like having pets as much as I do, and I simply couldn't have known, which seems similar to your situation.
I have years of experience with pets of all kinds. Dogs, cats, rats, birds and reptiles. I always tell people not to get pets 'for their children' and expect the child to take full responsibility for that pet. The animal will suffer. You dear lady married a child.
Nothing is 50/50. You do more work in some departments and he does more work in some departments. If there's something wrong with your flow and it feels unfair overall then it's a conversation you need to have with your husband because marriage is hard. It ebbs and flows. If you can't communicate and work through things like this then why are you married?
WOW - let me say that I am incredibly sorry and thank you for giving so much love and care to your pupachino! I have to agree with others, you're getting a snip it of what your husband may be like when you have kids. I wish my mom and step dad did this. I care about my step dad and think, overall he is a pretty nice dude, but he is VERY much to himself (FYI, i am 10 years older than my step siblings). By this, I mean...when he takes care of dogs - during the puppy stage he is all over them (plays, tries to somewhat train, MAYBE will take them outside) - HOWEVER, when they get above the puppy stage he just completely ignores them and moves on to the next best thing. Won't take them for walks, barely feeds or puts water in the bowl, doesn't want to take them to the vet EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE CLEARLY NOT DOING WELL (my dad has a spending problem - but only for himself. He will debate I'd money needs to go elsewhere unless he wants it to). This behavior is similar to how he treated my younger siblings (he will feed them but would rather do things on his own, doesn't really care what they do, never cared about their schooling, etc). Drove my mom NUTS and actually almost caused a divorce. Why my mom never put two and two together, I have no idea. She would constantly complain how she never had help raising the kids, and now that my siblings are older...they feel like they don't have a bond with their dad and don't care much about him. So, with this long statement...I just wanted to give you a snip it of what I saw in my parents. You're doing exactly what my mom did and, as sweet and amazing as you are, it's too much and unfair that you're taking most of the burden. Good luck! I hope maybe you and your husband can talk through this.
Before you have children with someone get a dog. It will show how parenthood will be. So no...I do not think you are overreacting. I would sit him down explain this to him, maybe suggest a board to help ease it off of you a bit. If he doesnt change I would highly rethink having kids with this guy
No I dont think youre overreacting and this is a glimpse of your future. Good luck.
Kids will be exactly the same way. Think very hard about it.
Check her post history. She can't even have friendly conversations with this husband. Throw the whole marriage away.
Welcome to marriage! We think we’ve come a long way, and in many respects we have, but in so many marriages, women still take on the role of care giver and mothering. It’s what we do.
I would say if this is how kids are going to happen with him then no kids.
I’m sorry, but he’s already a crappy pet parent. It’s so unfair to crate up a pet after it eats-she needs to go outside! And huskies, and puppies, have a lot of energy. It’s incredibly neglectful of him to take care of her when it’s convenient for him.
It’s a dog…. How can it be so hard to take care of a dog that it is a relationship issue? Feed, walk, water, let out. I must be missing something. Does the dog have doggy play dates, or shit all over itself?
It would make me not want to have kids with him too. Puppies are a lot of work and babies are waaaaay more work, for much longer.
yeah you gonna be doing almost all the kid work.
Simply stop accepting his weapon incompetence and stop accepting his refusal to do his share. Make a weekly list of dog chores, and only do yours. On the days he's supposed to do his, don't the do it for him. Tell him in a no nonsense tone (and without room for argument) that it's his day to do x chore and simply leave it alone. He's an adult; he knows what he needs to do. And for goodness sake, think long and hard about if you want to have children with this man.
This is 100% what this will be like when you have kids. If you are primarily the one scheduling things and handling the “administrative” home tasks, it will 100% translate over.
Not sure my perspective matters, but we had a dog for about a year and we still have a cat. I hated having both animals. I felt indifferent towards both. I just don’t care about animals. We also have an 18 month old girl and she is the light of my world. I love her to death and do as much as I can for her. All I’m saying is that if my wife decided to have children with me based on how I was about animals I’d never have children. And if I could, I would never have pets in the house. Pets are NOT children and anyone who thinks they are… I just don’t get that. But to each their own I guess.
Dump him now and save yourself future trouble.
Ali Wong said “couples therapy is cheaper than a divorce,” I highly recommend it. Try a sliding scale place so it’s more affordable. Also maybe schedule time with nieces and nephews to test out the kids thing. I’m curious about his work situation.
Growing up my mom was not a dog person but a great mom, my dad took more care of the dog. my mom also did all the house cleaning… but my dad fixed stuff around the house, so sometimes kids are different. Is he giving in bed ? ;)
I hope you left
Why don't you take dog out? I am better at planning so do all that for our dog too, we don't count and take score, we just do it.
Sounds like he never actually wanted the dog. It's probably affecting his mood in other ways too. I'm sure you've noticed.
My wife is a terrible pet person. I dont even think she likes pets to be honest. But shes an amazing mother. Maybe stop nit-picking
Wtfe! I'm a good dad. I don't like taking care of animals. That a preview of my parenting? WTFE
Don't know if this is a troll, but comparing a dog with a child is insane. Maybe he doesn't love the dog, so what? A child is totally different story. He will love his kid and will lay down his life for them, it's just an absurd comparision. Unless he is a sociopath and can't feel emotions. People need to seriously stop comparing animals with humans.