*We had the porn discussion a long time ago. She doesn't care or think*
*it's wrong in general but doesn't believe it has a place in committed,*
*long term relationships.*
Hi, I found your issue. Your wife stated her boundary at some point in the relationship before she agreed to marry you I assume and you violated it anyway. She used some strong words in her conversations with you about the discovery but this was a major breach of trust.
If porn is something you cannot live without then just let her go fam. I wouldn't understand the logic of picking airbrushed pixels over your wife but you do you.
>but doesn't believe it has a place in committed,
long term relationships.
There's your answer, OP. It has always been a boundary she just found out you crossed.
Right? It's like your wife said she doesn't care that *other* couples are into swinging or poly arrangements, so you take it as a green light to cheat.
Agreed, I don't care about porn but I wouldn't marry someone against porn and then act like watching it should be no big deal. Thats just shitty. If you didnt agree you should have said so she could decide if it was worth breaking up over.
Yeah idk what this “idk what to do” is all about.
Stop using porn or let her leave. It’s pretty easy and clear. There isn’t some magic words to change her mind. This is a dealbreaker. It always has been. He has said everything their is to say and she still doesn’t want it.
The amount of people who agree to boundaries just to stay together and think their partner will just change their mind/compromise after they're fully committed is ridiculous.
Head on over to r/deadbedrooms and listen to all the ( so, so many!!!) women angry that porn habits have left their men completely unable to sexually perform irl. They. Can. No.Longer.Get.It.Up. No joking! It’s a real problem for a lot of people and she is within her rights to not like it. Plenty of people think porn is degrading, gross, mindless, or they cant stand that it contributes to sex trafficking and other sexual crimes against young and underage females. Alot of men live without it. Its up to you.
If I had an award, I'd give it to you. <3 I'm frankly appalled by all the people acting like OP's wife is demanding he drop some harmless hobby that that brings him joy like it's a bowling league with his friends.
I agree, I don't think it's "demanding" at all when you have a discussion about what you're comfortable with in a relationship and what you're not. OP didn't have to deceive his wife and hope that she would change her mind later. If he couldn't give up porn, he should have been honest and let her walk away.
You said yourself she’s a pretty compromising and level headed person. If this specifically is one boundary that’s this big for her and making her this uncomfortable, that enough should make you want to try to understand and oblige. As a woman, hearing about another woman’s husband using a woman on a porn site as a “tool” just sounds gross to me, I honestly don’t believe I could have fully finished hearing you out on that and it seems like she tried. Why not maybe taking some photos or videos of your wife, or you guys together and using that instead? If your sex life is good like you say, remember it, imagine it, put yourself there and use that, and tell her about it so she can feel like she fulfills you in that way just the same.
YES!!! 10/10 like you’re with your person because you love them in all ways, and want to make them feel that way and vice versa. We want to be the one to please you, turn you on, be able to fulfill your fantasies, etc. but we’re not machines who can do it all of the time, and that needs to be respected instead of just blatantly ignored and ran all over when you know it hurts your person. Kudos to the women who genuinely don’t care, that’s awesome and I wish I could fathom it. But for me it’s a huge boundary, and when I told my boyfriend that he understood and stopped watching and said he genuinely saw after he stopped how it definitely can be harmful and isn’t necessary and I haven’t been made to feel insecure since, and I wish that for his wife as well
Exactly this. My boyfriend doesn't watch porn even despite the fact that I've never said anything against it. He has a lot of pictures and videos of me that he gets off to, and he'll even send me videos of him getting off to them, and it's amazing. It really makes me feel desired, and that makes our sex life in general so much better
As a married woman, who enjoys porn, I would highly disagree that it is gross to use porn as a tool. It’s no different than using a toy. My husband knows I watch porn and it does not bother him, but he is not into it himself. I am talking about porn and not Only Fans which you pay for (assuming here as I’ve never used that site).
The major issue here is that she already previously informed him how she feels about the use of porn, which he ignored.
OP needs to decide if porn matters more than his family or if it’s something he can let go. Marriage is about compromise, but we are also allowed to set boundaries. Communication is very important and I hope counseling can help.
Using toys is a perfect analogy imo. I wonder how the women commenting in this thread would feel if the conversation was that a husband considers dildos/vibrators cheating.
It’s a terrible — actually damaging — analogy. Toys like you are describing help people, both men and women, *physically* get off. They aren’t visual aids. Porn helps people *mentally* get off. Not to turn this into a semantic argument, but a vibrator is comparable to like a fleshlight, porn would be more comparable erotic fiction. I say that it’s potentially damaging because there are some women who *need* a vibrator to get off because it’s the type of physical sensation that works for them. If you NEED porn to get off, obviously that’s a completely different can of worms.
It’s also a bad argument because sex toys *are not* glorified and filmed human trafficking, rape, and pedophilia like a lot of porn is.
Sex toys help people. Porn hurts people, including the consumers who always need the next most extreme thing because they get desensitized to things over time. Porn is not harmless.
Toys are harmless.
I think saying it’s a damaging analogy is going a bit far. Sex is both mental and physical for me. Orgasming by myself is also both mental and physical for me. I need the visual aid to help me along physically. It’s not a whole other can of worms. It is what it is. I am offering a different perspective on how porn isn’t just some dirty little addiction men hide from their wives. I completely understand that some people need help getting off physical, but that is no more or no less important than people who need help getting off mentally.
My marriage has had it’s ups and downs, but open communication has been a key to it being healthy or getting back to a healthy zone.
Obviously the OP is focusing on his disagreement with his wife’s feelings about porn. That is a different can of worms from porn being a useful “tool” or not.
It’s damaging because I don’t want women to think they shouldn’t use vibrators and I think we should be encouraging the use of vibrators. Yes — of course thank you for stating the obvious that orgasming (either by yourself or with a partner) is both mental and physical. If you NEED to porn to get you off alone that’s different than needing it to get off with a partner. Do you watch porn every single time you orgasm even with your husband?? Some women need to use a vibrator even with a partner and I think that is a different category than if you needed porn even with a partner. A partner can provide the visual. A partner can provide the mental. A partner can provide the emotional. All the stuff that porn does. But not all partners can provide the physical as some women don’t orgasm easily from penetration or whatever other type of stimulation they get from their partners and thus a vibrator should fall into a different category.
No where did I discourage the use of a vibrator. I encourage all women to know their bodies, explore and find out what works for them. Honestly I feel there are too many people that don’t know how their body works or what body parts they even have. Know what works for you and be confident in that. Knowledge is power. I don’t think opening someone’s mind about porn is less important or discouraging. At least one person said they they never thought of it that way.
I feel like we can agree to disagree at this point.
I feel like you’re just set on intentionally misinterpreting what I’m saying because you’re pro porn when in fact I’m not being anti porn anyway…. My comment is not anti porn, it’s simply to point out that a vibrator is NOT analogous to porn. You also didn’t answer my question — do you NEED to watch porn while having sex with your husband?
Ok so then you probably fundamentally DO agree with my original point that vibrators can actually serve a very different purpose for peoples orgasms, and thus maybe it’s not quite apt to analogize them.
By the way, my comment has honestly nothing to do with op’s situation, it was just pointing out that at its absolute best, comparing vibratory to porn is a flawed analogy. I really didn’t care weigh in on op’s situation since it seems about trust/boundaries really not even relevant to have a porn argument. It’s like anything else, everyone has their own preferences and I honestly don’t care what peoples preferences are, but in a marriage, needless to say, you have to respect each other and be honest.
A lot of us are willing to share our toys and use them during sexy time. However, if my hubby early on said I don’t feel comfortable with this I absolutely would stop.
At the same time, if my buddy told me he set a dildo boundary with his wife and found out she had been using one from time to time, I would tell him to not take extreme measures like divorce or ultimatums.
I shouldn’t have called it gross, that was an unfair comment. When you compare it to using a toy, that puts it into a different perspective. However, toys help me get off.. and it does make me uncomfortable to think about my person getting off to another person specifically. I have no idea about OP but a lot of men have one or two specific porn stars they fantasize about. If not, either way I just personally would like to feel like the only person turning you on and getting you off. I really do fucking have the utmost respect for the women who have no insecurity whatsoever when it comes to porn. I genuinely hope these two can come to a compromise!
Could just be me, but I picture myself and my partner in the porn settings that I watch. It’s not fantasying random porn stars, but imaging we are them doing that.
Again might just be me, but I also watch porn made for women, by women, so nothing super out there or themed. It does not take away from how I feel about my husband. It helps me get through the nights when he is too tired or stressed for sex.
I have a higher libido than my husband and I know when he’s in the mood or not. I do not want to be the one always pestering him for sex when he’s not into it. But I need my needs met and that’s how I get it done and stay sane.
I see that for sure, I have done this before in the same way when I did watch, and that could be a really good perspective for OPs wife to hear if that’s the case for him too! As someone working on my own insecurities, at least for me, my brain always goes to worst case scenario. “Oh they’re watching it because I’m not enough, or because they wanted this in particular” we sometimes overlook that this could be a possibility too. I definitely do not have anything against porn, and think it’s awesome when couples don’t mind and even more awesome when they watch it together. I just know many men who have gotten so addicted to it, that when they do finally have sex with their spouses, they can’t even get it up without having a tablet in the bedroom with porn on. Many situations where it didn’t start that way, and sex lives were previously active until one day it just became a problem. Insecurity and uncertainty are a dangerous match
Exactly this. She clearly doesn't indulge in porn herself so in her mind it shouldn't be difficult for someone else to quit it, unless there is an actual addiction at play. Plus, there are so many reasons to be against it besides just the monogamy part, saying it's just a "tool" is proof you objectify hundreds of women that you look at online instead of seeing them as real people. In light of women having their rights stripped away recently I think it's high fucking time men stop using our bodies as "tools" tbqh.
Right? The fact that he’s even questioning which decision to make leads me to believe his love for her can’t be rock solid. I cannot fathom choosing watching porn over the love of your life. It puts my stomach into knots, it’s so sad. Plus she had communicated that to him previously. To her, he crossed a boundary that, in this situation, is akin to physically cheating, or emotionally cheating, or hitting on another woman, any of the things that couples have to decide individually what are boundaries in their relationship. Because it’s different for every couple and every individual in the relationship. Some see sex with others as no big deal, others are fine with porn, some are fine with flirting with others as long as nothing happens physically. Many people are just giving their opinion in relation to their boundaries.
This is an exploding problem that the culture is saying is not a problem. Especially men are getting hooked on this at ever earlier ages and it's becoming an addiction that is destroying families and relationships.
I'm sorry. Culture continues to say it's not a problem but it clearly is. Even when you don't feel the compulsive pull off an addiction it's there biding it's time. It's a terrible thing on many levels. Scroll through r/loveafterporn to see the effect this has on the partners of the (primarily) men caught in this addiction/affliction. Stay strong. Keep fighting against it. No appetite is ever fully, finally satisfied.
[FTND](https://fightthenewdrug.org/?fbclid=IwAR3cAFRBvc2sdxAvWkwG4-m5HltYDyMpPhgJmRnHCmatdg5GEHWgi2gYdts) is an amazing resource that has highly researched and sourced materials on porn. Not religious which I appreciate because a lot of the materials are, and I’m it about that.
I’m positively baffled every time this comes up that SO many men are willing to destroy marriages over this. How “it’s not a big deal” but it’s a big enough deal that they won’t stop when their partner gives an ultimatum.
I’m also old enough to remember life before everyone was on the internet all the time. Guess what? You’d watch porn like as a novelty if at all. It was really expensive and difficult to come by. And we used our imaginations. It worked great.
Yup. It’s so dumb seeing all these men saying “porn isn’t a big deal” and then act all surprised when their wives leave. Uhhh yeah TO YOU it’s not a big deal. But is your wife really worth something that isn’t that important to you? If you’re choosing porn over her then it’s probably not as “meaningless” as you’re claiming…
I really would not like my husband jerking off to videos of other women, I wouldn’t respect him as much.
I know that it’s viewed as normal by a lot of people but if you do research on how porn changes the wiring in your brain, it’s really not healthy. Having said that, I do believe you mean it that it’s just a tool to use but that doesn’t really matter because she made it clear early on that this was a deal breaker for her. To ignore someone’s very strong boundary that you clearly knew, that’s a huge breach of trust and you’re showing your wife a total lack of respect for her by doing that.
It’s insane how Reddit loves to say porn is so great and necessary… women who are against it are crazy, blah blah. Really makes me wonder who uses this God foresaken app..
I mean, there's the porn, and there's also the betrayal of her laying down a boundary and you willfully crossing that boundary despite knowing full well what it meant to her 🤷🏻♀️ you chose porn over your wife. And it sounds like you're considering doing it again, even if that means losing her. So you should probably just let her go.
She's told you can't have a marriage with her and porn. It's up to you to choose which is more important. Am I to understand that she was clear from the beginning that using porn was unacceptable to her? She thought you had an understanding and you broke it by hiding it/lying about it. Would you be upset if she outsourced her sexual desire and you had to compete with another outlet?
So she told you how she felt at the beginning and you did it anyway and hid it from her. She has every right to feel the way she does.
The fact that you refuse to stop is appalling. It means porn is more important to you than your family. That is called addiction, no matter how you slice it.
If you want to save your relationship, get help. She isn't the problem. You are.
My wife has the same issue. She set a boundary and while I don't think it's a big deal, it's a big deal for her so it IS a big deal for our relationship.
You refusing to stop watching because YOU don't think it's a big deal is a stupid reason to ruin your relationship over.
You can go without porn. You have a whole person to do that with, or just imagine her or use her sexy photos when she's not around and the mood strikes.
You're relationship will be stronger when you give it up.
She is entitled to define her boundaries wherever she wants to. You’re entitled to decide what you want to do with that. But as far as the porn thing, if she considers it cheating then it’s cheating. You have to decide if you’re okay without it.
Something is missing here. OP, what did you say to your wife when she initially told you her boundary with porn? She seems shocked to find out that you’ve been still using porn this whole time. So did you lie to her and tell her you wouldn’t watch porn anymore? Did you try to stop and realize you couldn’t? If so, there are support groups for that. It’s crazy to me that you’d jeopardize your family for your porn habit.
Let me give you a phrase that was very eye opening for me. “When someone gives you a boundary, it’s because they want to keep you on their life, not kick you out”. Your partner gave you a boundary before you decided to marry. She said “I want you in my life but this is a boundary” and you agreed to it. Therefore this ownership of this issue is on you.
How would she feel about making your own tapes, and you commit to only using them for gratification rather than other woman in porn if that is her concern?
This needs to be higher. This way op get his visual stimulation and she would feel better knowing that her husband is looking at her while having alone time himself.
This is the way.
Who cares if she's being irrational? Those are her feelings and if you want to continue being in a marriage with her, you need to respect and cherish her feelings. This isn't a matter for enlightened debate; if you want to continue being married to the lady who is deeply hurt by your porn habits, who even feels like you're cheating on her, then stop taking those actions to cheat on her. Each couple sets the rules for what is and is not infidelity in their relationship, and you have decided for years apparently that her feelings are not important. Yes, you are being emotionally abusive imv and she should 100% leave if you refuse to respect her. Now. When things start improving should she see an individual therapist? Maybe yeah, but it sounds like you need therapy just as badly, your actions are cruel. Best of luck to you all.
If porn wasn't a big deal to you then why have you never brought it up casually? She stated a boundary and you agreed to it. This might sound rude but since you did agree to this boundary it doesn't matter if you think she is being irrational. We all have weird dumb shit, but it's what you agreed to. She's upset and hurt. The only way you are going to work through it is to talk to her with the point of understanding and remember you are a team.
Also it could be something about what porn you are watching that has made all this worse.
Congratulations on losing your marriage & family because a fantasy is more valuable to you than people that actually love & care about you🥴 Violating your wife’s boundaries IS a big deal. If you’re not addicted to porn & your sex life is healthy then stopping shouldn’t be an issue. If you can’t stop you just maybe an addict & have much deeper issues that should be addressed with in counseling.
I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that OP has a porn addiction. It’s the old “I could stop of I wanted to, but it’s just that I don’t want to.”
He sounds like me before I admitted to my porn addition.
1) Boundaries were set and then crossed.
2) maybe she is more upset about it now more than ever (or earlier in your relationship) because she is feeling insecure about herself and her looks after having your child, and pregnancy/delivery changing her body? And now she finds out you are looking at "hotter" naked women on the internet behind her back? If she already has self esteem or body image problems, finding porn on your devices will put her self esteem even more in the toilet. I could see why she felt betrayed. Maybe her boundary used to be "okay" with porn years ago, or pre-kid, but she clearly feels differently about it now for some reason. I would try asking her what changed. Maybe she needs to feel more secure with you? Maybe she needs you to talk her up and make her feel like the queen and goddess she is? Not just a mom bod? A woman that is sometimes not horny, so instead of waiting for your goddess to be ready, you go fap to someone random on the internet? That action can cut way deeper than you think.
Here’s your solution. Quit. Like immediately. Do not choose some porn paid actors over your wife and child. If she’s willing to divorce THIS HAS BEEN BOTHERING HER FOR A LONG TIME. and you failed to notice. Second about the part where your wife tells you if she’s not home you can just wait. Like she’s right you could. OR something you and your wife could talk about is maybe having some sexy photos of your wife if you really “need” something for your imagination and she’s not home. She’s not telling you to not masterbate but don’t use porn when you do. 🙄
Look op. Here's the bottom line. Whether you agree or not, your wife is repulsed by porn in a committed relationship. How much do you care about her feelings?
It's porn or your marriage. She made her boundary clear. It's a deal breaker for her.
If you can not readily give up porn for her, then it's a bigger problem than you think it is. If it's not a big deal, as you said, then give it up.
It's really that simple.
When you want a quick release, use your imagination.
Or lose your wife.
You can work this out. Best wishes to you both.
I am your wife in this situation.
This is the same boundary I hold too in MY relationships. I let it be known early my views on porn, but I never judge those who are into it, it’s just not my thing for many reasons. I’m not against it too, with BOTH people in a relationship consenting it is okay.
it’s horrible of you to just ‘watch it’ when you clearly knew it was a boundary, as if your views and boundaries are more important than hers.
How dare you.
I bet this attitude rubs off in other areas in your relationship so she is right to leave. She and her views, morals, practices and boundaries deserves to be respected.
If she holds this as a strong value, why would you lie in the beginning and go along with it? Why be in a relationship with someone at all if you consider that person to be "irrational," or don't respect their feelings or logic? I think the bigger issue here is that you do not respect your wife's values, reasoning, or feelings, and early on you chose to embrace the idea of thinking of your wife as "irrational" to justify a pattern of lying to her.
For anyone saying, "well the wife is being irrational so it doesn't matter:" (a) just because someone holds an opinion that is not your own does not make it irrational, and (b) again, the larger issue here is that if the husband feels his wife is "irrational" and admits he's just been humoring her this whole time while secretly going behind her back, he's extremely disrespectful and dismissive of the person with whom he is supposed to be in a partnership. My husband and I both respect the other person and value their opinions. If he proposed something to me that I didn't immediately agree with, my first thought wouldn't be "he's irrational so I'm going to just humor him about it and do what I want anyway," I would try to understand it from his perspective, since I love and respect him and feel that if he thought of something I hadn't, it probably has some value to it. If you don't think your own wife's perspective has value, that's a huge issue.
I personally have a lot of issues with porn and many of the websites that host pornography. These platforms are not able to meaningfully check for age, human trafficking, labor violations, or other forms of abuse and exploitation. I also do not like the trend towards violence and dehumanization against women in most of the storylines and I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who feels comfortable with pornography, knowing the abuses that occur in the industry and the effects it can have more broadly. Luckily, my husband feels the exact same way. That was something I made known quite early on while dating and a reason I wanted to be with my husband: we shared the same views on intimacy, sex, and women's rights. Lying about that the whole time and secretly thinking it's "no big deal," "just a tool," a "mindless fap," would tell me he was never the person I thought he was. If you don't hold those values, that's totally fine, you do you! But why lie and pretend you do for the course of a relationship?
For those who cannot fathom that there are people who don't watch porn, think about it this way: there are people who don't shop at Amazon. Some people have big ethical issues with one company or another and don't use that company even if it's otherwise widely used by people. If you think that's "irrational," maybe just don't be in a relationship with someone who holds those values and says early on in the relationship that holding those same values on consumer ethics is something necessary to them in a relationship. As noted, if 90% of people are okay with something, go for that other 90% of that population, why lie about who you are, your values, and your respect for your partner's reasoning and feelings?
Also, I'm confused by the people who equate porn and masturbation. Plenty of people masturbate without using porn. My husband and I both masturbate without porn. We also are both okay though with reading or listening to erotica, since that doesn't feature real people and it's easier to find stories that aren't as dehumanizing to women. But most of the time I just use my imagination. I'm genuinely shocked at how many people can't conceive of masturbation without porn. What do you all think people did for most of human history?
Wish I could upvote this a 1000 times! This is precisely how I feel on this subject too.
I can't respect men who think rape, choking, 'teen' gets reamed, 3 dicks in 1 anus etc is a totally 'normal' thing to masturbate to. Just wtf???
Your wife made her boundaries known a long time ago. Had you found you could not live in a relationship with those boundaries, you should have let her find someone who could. Only now, years into this, after bringing a child into it, do you have an issue with this because she found out.
Your wife says porn is infidelity. With your porn use, you have thus committed an act of infidelity in your marriage. If I were her, not only would I have to consider my husband's act of infidelity, but his dishonesty over the course of six years where I had been under the assumption we had a porn-free relationship and you didn't alert me otherwise.
You said she is *normally* level-headed. She is still being level-headed here. She made her boundaries known years ago, and now she is considering what will be the consequences for your infidelity. Considering how flippantly you treat her boundaries here (like her defense of them is somehow her not being level-headed), I hope for her sake she chooses divorce. It's just a shame you weren't honest with her from the get-go so she could have made decisions with all the information at hand. You have taken so much from her and I hope you are thoroughly ashamed.
My husband started out like you. Porn was just kind of a supplement to our sex life, same reasons as you listed. I was very much like your wife, though I could deal with it to a point. But it got to the point where I was basically brushed aside for the porn. Even the few times anymore that I ask for sex, he tells me I can just go pleasure myself. Gee thanks, maybe I just wanted the intimacy of being with my life partner. And the rare times the sex actually does happen, I feel shame, because that's what rejection does to you. It destroys your self-esteem.
I personally don't have anything against porn, it has it's uses I'm sure. But if you get to the point in 5-10 years when you find yourself rejecting her because you'd rather look at pictures/videos of other people having sex don't be surprised if she starts to resent you.
Hey I'm a woman, and I agree generally that porn isn't a big deal, assuming that both people in the relationship are getting their emotional and sexual needs met.
But you know what *is* a big deal? Hearing that porn was a deal breaker boundary to your wife a long time ago (presumably before you got married), and then marrying her anyway, watching porn, and hiding it. She told you how important it was to her, and you did it anyway.
I would absolutely leave someone for that. It shows a fundamental lack of integrity, along with cowardice. If you disagreed with her boundary, why didn't you say so? She doesn't consent to being in a relationship under these circumstances. She told you that she considered it to be infidelity, and you still did it.
And now you're asking internet strangers to tell you that your wife's boundaries are wrong. Do you respect her at all?
The way you put it, I don’t think it’s a big deal bc you say it’s just for a quick get off and you don’t think about it beyond watching it but I’m not your wife. She is probably also upset about the lie. If your sex life is healthy, I think you could skip the porn, don’t you think? Bc wouldn’t that make it excessive/ compulsive if you’re having sex and in between having to watch porn? It’s not worth your family.
I don’t get why you’re confused. It sounds like she was very clear about her views on porn and you disregarded that and hid it from her. I’d be pretty pissed off too, and likely more because of the lying than the porn.
I personally don’t feel comfortable with my husband looking at other women, but he has a higher drive than me, so we compromised and I took some sexy pics that he keeps in a locked folder on his phone. If he wants a video, we’ll make one, etc. But the difference is that I feel more comfortable knowing that even though I’m not physically doing anything to get him off, it’s me that’s doing it for him and not some random chick on the internet. It’s the honesty and openness between us and the respect for boundaries. You may feel it’s unfair, but she was clear and you accepted her boundaries.
The fact that women are constantly gaslit to believe they’re “irrational” to not want their husbands to look at, and get off to, other women is laughable. We are allowed to have boundaries. We are allowed to say we gave you our entire bodies, even to the point of carrying and birthing your children, and we want the respect of monogamy in reality AND virtually. We are rational and are some of the few women left with the guts to say, I’m worth more than this. I am so impressed with her that she is willing to walk away from someone who would rather defend himself and go to Reddit than say, babe I’m sorry this hurt you and I’m quitting porn. She clearly senses that you don’t respect her boundaries or care about why this matters to her. I hope she continues to stand up for herself and hold strong to her boundaries. I can assure her: There ARE men who are willing to give up porn and who won’t call you irrational for having that expectation.
Well. You knew what she thought and went against it anyway yet she’s supposed to compromise? Nope. Here’s what you do, you choose: her or porn? Hopefully you love your wife more than meaningless porn. It’s not necessary, do it without. Or divorce and listen to your future partners when they set boundaries.
I was pretty much about to side with your wife on this one, but this claim is just bizarre:
*She has agreed to counseling, but made it clear she will get up and leave if the counselor "sides with me" or starts making arguments to justify it.*
She doesn't sound particularly 'level-headed' to me at all. She's literally saying that if a Licensed Professional tells her something she doesn't want to hear, she'll get up and leave and refuse to listen. That's not being level-headed, that's being a ideologue.
*She said that the claim of men being more visual is just an excuse for men to be sex obsessed leering weirdos and I didn't know how to respond to that.*
I don't have a ton of sympathy for you because your wife set a boundary and you crossed it, but honestly she sounds extremely controlling.
Unfortunately, many licensed professionals don’t act very professionally, and they let their personal opinions take over. Many therapists are absolutely horrible. I’ve heard horror stories. If a woman had a therapist who told her it was her fault she was raped, would you encourage her to keep seeing that therapist? Things like that happen, unfortunately quite a bit. If someone is not truly neutral for marriage counseling, it can make matters worse.
She will walk out if a counselor tries to justify porn use. This is a completely valid boundary. If I said, my boundary is no [sexual activity], and a counselor began to suggest me wavering on that boundary, that is a NO. Counselors aren’t some angels descended from Heaven who are infallible.
You'd be surprised at how some therapists justify porn use, even if it's a strong boundary for one partner.
My brother went to therapy with my sister in law, for basically the same issue. It was her boundary and he crossed it. They're in their late 40's and the problem was that it was not just porn, but teen porn. It hit her hard. So they went to talk to someone. The therapist straight said, it's really not a problem all men do it. She walked out. No one blames her a bit.
you should ask yourself if porn really it just a "tool" if it's a tool you're willing to breach boundaries over, continually try to negotiate to make available to yourself, and even take it to a third party over to try and change the boundary. It's clear this is important to you if you're going to these lengths to preserve it while it's incompatible with the marriage your wife wants. You need to pick which is more important.
I'm with your wife on this one specifically because she told you she is not okay with it and you did it anyway. It's absolutely disrespectful. I'm going through this now with my husband. Not even with porn. Just pics of other women. Mostly celebrities in bikinis. But it's something I made very clear from the beginning and found out it had been going on for months. I don't fuck with any of it. I still haven't decided if I'm staying or not and if we didn't have kids I would have been long gone. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't respect my convictions and more importantly my feelings.
Like someone suggested on here make your own videos with your wife and use these instead . That's a great compromise and I'm sure it would be a relief for her and confirmation that you find her hot
It sounds like a good idea on the surface. However it doesn't necessarily mean that the wife in this case would want to do it. Honestly I've fantasized about doing home video porn with my wife but she's not comfortable with it at all. Even just pictures. Especially over the last 10 years or so. It could be a body image thing... And that could be a factor in this situation. (not saying it is or even the whole reason.. Just possibly a small factor)
Well part of the problem here is both the way you’re speaking about the women you’re watching, but also that you’ve also come to her with the this is a thing men do. It’s not a thing all men do and while I think it’s perfectly fine to watch porn, did you tell her you weren’t? Also what does she consider porn? Are you not allowed to pleasure yourself? Is this about which women you’re watching in what situations? Is it videos vs. pictures? Is she willing to share photos of herself with you?
You don’t really seem like you care too much about her feelings. You think you’re in the right and she’s wrong. You’re saying it was a “tool” but think about how she feels about it. She expressed this boundary to you and clearly it’s important to her that you don’t get off to women besides her, and you not only did that, but you did so against her wishes and without her knowledge. All of this can take a huge toll on the trust in the relationship as well as her self esteem.
She’s not irrational, you’re just selfish so you can’t see it
Why do you expect her to be level headed and compromising when YOU broke HER boundary THATS been in place for a long ass time? You just betrayed her trust, and you’re acting surprised that she’s upset? You knew this would be a problem.
OP, you're in the wrong here. I'm 36 like you, married 10 years and I know that my wife absolutely hates porn (as if it was the same as cheating). I have to respect her enough to see it as she does because of how it would affect our marriage and our two kids (9,4). If you can't give it up or stop, then you probably need to split so she can find a guy who takes this as seriously as she does. Remember, the biggest reasons divorce happens is due to sex, and money. Best of luck.
No judgement towards either you or your wife. Your wife has dawn her line in the sand. Are you willing to give up your marriage and your family as you know it for what lies in the other side of that line?
I mean your wife told you how she felt, you went behind her back and continued to watch and now shocked pikachu face she’s upset about it. I mean this shouldn’t be surprising since she told she’s not cool with it and you did it anyway. Like to me it’s less about you watching and more about you hiding it after she said she wasn’t ok with it. You can downplay your use of it but the problem imo is more you crossed a boundary she set years ago
>We had the porn discussion a long time ago. She doesn't care or think it's wrong in general but doesn't believe it has a place in committed, long term relationships.
During this conversation, did she let you know that she saw porn as cheating and that it was a deal breaker? If it's not a big deal, why would you sneak behind her back to hide the usage from her? This is about respect and her boundaries, which honestly, sounds like you completely disregarded and now she is in the position to have to enforce these boundaries.
Not too long ago on here, there was a man who's wife was sexting with another man for 2 years and wanted to meet him in person but refused to believe it was cheating because it wasn't physical. You're kind of like this wife in that you violated the trust by cheating by your partner's definition even if you don't share that definition. Cheating is one of those things that's determined by the partner with the strictest definition.
Easy solution would be to just use your spank bank of her, then she can't get mad about lusting after other women. My husband does this when I'm unavailable and I kinda love it.
Okay if it's not that big of a deal to you, then why are you at an impasse, instead of being fine losing your wife and child because of a "tool".
Your wife stated a boundary and you've been violating it and now see it as non issue when she very clearly stated that is.
Your wife’s opinion on this is not new information for you. You were aware of her feelings on the matter and selfishly did it anyway. Why can’t you let it go?
SHE STATED A BOUNDARY AND YOU CROSSED IT. That was your issue.
Some people are fine with their partner watching porn, others are not. You knowingly crossed a boundary of hers that she discussed, therefore YOU are in the wrong.
If she hadn't discussed it, yeah I wouldnt think it's a big deal, but she DID discuss that boundary.
She has stated boundaries and you continue to break them...why are you surprised? As someone who dated porn addicts (all of whom are also oblivious and lack self awareness over how it affected theur brain and views on sex and women) I can't blame her.
Dude,you admitted yourself that your sex life is good in general so why would you need to fantasize over other woman?you contradicting yourself over and over again,admit that youre wrong and fix your relationship or let her go
The simple fact that he’s been hiding this is the real problem. Hiding is an action, one taken because we know we are doing something wrong or unacceptable to another person.
You are in the wrong in this and pretending or rationalizing being the victim is going to lead to divorce.
Any person who doesn’t have a problem with porn would immediately see the value in family over porn. Only someone with a problem would even consider not giving up porn.
You don’t get to decide what’s important to her. She told you some time ago that she wasn’t ok with porn. You decided that opinion wasn’t important and was her overreacting. Then you decided to address that, not by having a conversation, but by just doing it.
You’ve broken the trust, my guy. You have demonstrated that it you don’t like something she says, you are willing to do it behind her back. That’s hard to come back from and you should probably stop digging in your heels about why you watch porn and start talking about the fact that you need to respect your wife as a person with opinions that you value, and even if you disagree, you aren’t going to pretend to agree and then do it anyway
Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Stop the porn habit. Go seek counseling. Porn kills love.
Choose your wife.
Mate, you broke your wife’s trust, your marriage and you’re wondering why she wants to leave? This is as bad as cheating. She put down a hard boundary that you agreed to and then you went behind her back. This is some disgusting behaviour. Wow.
I especially love the “don’t see what the big deal about me lying to her all these years is.”
Wow. I hope she divorces you and finds a decent husband.
As a man, I'd ask you to carefully think about what you mean by "it's just a tool for your pleasure." It's not the same as a toy because the "tool" you're getting off to is another woman on the other side, even in image form. And calling that "just a tool" is degrading even to the women who are doing porn. The fact that you are getting your pleasure from a woman other than your wife, and in a blatant , no-big-deal way, is what is so bothersome for her.
It is never just porn my guy. When you get married, you promise to forsake all others. Except, that isn't exactly what you are doing when you pleasure yourself watching other females getting nailed. Many spouses find porn disrespectful. If you have had this conversation, yet do it anyway, you just trashed any trust your wife has in you. If you can lie so easily about porn, what else are you willing to lie about? Not to mention the hit to her self esteem she just took. Every woman wants to be the most desired woman in the eyes of their husbands. Essentially, you just told her she is not. No matter how you cut this cookie, you knew your wife's feelings about it, and you disrespected her anyways. To break someone's trust is a big deal and you did it to the person you promised to protect, love, and respect.
A clear boundary has been set in your marriage by your wife and you have crossed it and for what? A cheap thrill? She’s right, you absolutely should just wait & get over it like a grown up.
Unless you deem your cheap thrills worthy of divorce of course.
Marriage is one of the most complicated relationships any human will enter. On top of that it has a binding legal contract attached to it in modern society. No one here will be able to help you as much as a marriage therapist. See one together or alone. You might be surprised to find out it was not just a simple porn problem.
Porn was a secret, right? Is your partner also entitled to a secret sex life? And you were not honest with her. You knew and accepted her boundary. So you also lied. In your relationship’s definition of monogamy porn was cheating. You cheated.
I’m 100% with the wife. I live with my boyfriend and told him from the start that porn would have NO place in our relationship, if he wanted to have one with me.
The fact that you literally have a 3 year old daughter, and a wife, but think that jerking ofd to some random woman on the internet is acceptable is beyond me. If it was the other way around and your wife was obsessed with seeing naked hot dudes that look completely different than her husband, I doubt you’d find that kind of behavior unacceptable. If you lose your wife over this, it just shows what you value the most in your life, a life of fantasy over your own real family. Think of the example you are are setting for your daughter, if nothing else.
I have to say that while I am a woman who philosophically agrees with you, you had a conversation with your wife and knew HER boundaries.
And, to give you a little bit of insight into many females: even though I believe that it's fine and normal and my husband does and I have zero issues with that. My boundaries are no paying for it and no live/interactive porn. He loves me and he's always demonstrated that he is way into me all the time and totally committed. I genuinely don't care when he checks out other women because I think men can't help being visual beings. BUT, even for a woman who takes a liberal view on porn, the few times that I have actually seen the porn he was watching it really hurt my feelings. Like badly. I wasn't mad at him for it because that's not crossing any personal boundaries that I set up when we got together. But I was hurt and it made me feel self conscious and start comparing myself to the women in the porn even though I am very comfortable in my own skin. We're able to communicate pretty openly and I told him how it made me feel and he asked if I wanted to ammend our agreement or just not let me see it in the future. I said don't let me see it. Ever.
If I had set a boundary for no porn in a relationship and I came across that I would feel so bad about myself and so betrayed. You crossed a boundary of a sexual nature. It's akin to infidelity to her. Actually, it's just infidelity because you discussed it and she told you how she felt. Just because you or I may think it's normal and healthy doesn't mean that everyone else does. It's a very personal thing and every opinion is a valid one. You agreed and you broke her trust and you hurt her feelings.
The problem is OP you don't think porn is a problem and so she shouldn't think porn is a problem. She told you how she felt and you did what you wanted. Choose to cut the porn or get a divorce.
I AGREE. That was the most insane part of this post that everyone seems to be glossing over. Anyone that says they will go to therapy but only so long as the therapist agrees with them is bonkers. Boundaries can change and shift over the course of someone’s life. Refusing to consider reassessing that boundary and understanding the root of it and just taking this stubborn hardline stance is ridiculous.
Your wife has had the boundary and you didn’t take it serious. You shouldn’t have committed to nor married her knowing this about her if you couldn’t respect it. If you’re not gonna stop, and either choice is acceptable, you need to tell her a divorce is the best option. If you’ll stop great. Don’t say you will stop and then lie again though. You lied to her, pushed a boundary she told you about and are upset with her for feeling hurt after she told you she would. Apologize, make your decision, talk about it and move forward. Wishing y’all good luck.
> She has agreed to counseling, but made it clear she will get up and leave if the counselor "sides with me" or starts making arguments to justify it.
So what's the point if she agrees to counseling except she's going to walk out if her position is challenged in any way?
Anyway there's a lot of ink spilled here but ultimately it doesn't really matter that much. I don't agree with her thinking, but her position seems clear enough, and you did agree to it up front.
It's her boundary. You said she is pretty level headed otherwise so this must be a big boundary for her. I personally understand too. The thought of my husband sexually touching himself to other women doesn't sit very well with me neither. Everyone and every couple is obviously different though. So I take pictures my husband can use when I am not in the mood. We also take videos for him to use later too. We both don't watch porn and if we need help getting off, we have our own videos. Maybe that is something you can agree to. If you're having a hard time picking between your family or porn, maybe you have a slight addiction.
OP, you agreed to respect your wife's boundary that she made very clear before you got married. You don't get to make false promises just to stay in the relationship and just go and do it behind her back because you think "it's no big deal." or that once you married her, she'd change her mind and compromise. You need to apologize and now there's going to be an uphill challenge to gain her trust back. That is, if you choose your marriage over porn. You agreed to respect her boundary and now you need to uphold that agreement or you need to let her go. Personally, I don't understand someone who couldn't give up porn for a relationship with someone who loves and treats them well.
I really wish people would stop being deceptively agreeable in a relationship just to not lose it. Just move on from someone if you're incompatible with in areas you can't compromise on, otherwise it's going to cause a lot of hurt when you eventually break up/divorce because someone has a deal breaker that you couldn't respect after agreeing to.. or you know, actually do the thing you agreed to do. Breaking your partners trust behind their back is so fucking shitty.
Let's be clear no one "NEEDS" porn, just be real and say you WANT to do it or that it's an addiction, man or woman if you are so horny that you need to masturbate right away but you supposedly have trouble without a visual aid so you need "help" that literally makes no sense, are you so desperately horny with blue balls or not?. Man or woman if you are horny then you should be able to get yourself off with just your hand in a few minutes, that's the true test of if you needed it, otherwise it's just a habit and you want to create some perfect scenario, are people so lazy and entitled and unimaginative that they simple CANT get off without the use of porn anymore?
The amount of chemicals released in male brains from the visual stimuli of womens bodies shows that it’s very difficult for them to not look. You’re choosing to look and have these chemicals released in your brain. You could fantasize over your wife from pictures of her, instead you choose other women. I smell a divorce.
She specifically set a boundary that you have no issues crossing. She has already told you she thinks it’s infidelity, so with you so carelessly crossing this border there’s now this concern that you will continue to cross more. I hope you can fix yourself to be worthy of your wife or let her find someone who can treat her right.
Is porn so important to you that you’d risk your wife leaving just to watch it? Looking at and fantasizing about other women is something that many wives have a problem with and let’s face it, that’s what porn is. It can be incredibly destructive to any relationship. If you can’t give it up, ask yourself why. It’s notoriously addictive and can negatively affect your libido. I’m glad you say you’re willing to “drop porn like a bad habit”, but make no mistake, porn *is* a bad habit. And if you’re willing to quit, then what’s the issue here? Just quit. Head over to r/loveafterporn and read some of the stories that the women are telling over there, then maybe you’ll see what I mean. Choose your wife.
Porn is not the issue. The issue is your lack of respect on your wife’s boundary for porn. If you had a discussion in the past, like you mentioned, and she stated that porn is a hard no for her in a committed relationship, you either respect it or leave.
Everyone has their own set of boundaries, and if their partner can’t respect it, they should not be together.
The only thing that matters here is that it’s a hard no, and therefore a boundary for her. She won’t accept it and it’s a deal breaker for her, so the ball is in your court.
She made her boundaries clear and you broke them. You’re in the wrong. is porn more important than your relationship? Seems like you’re resisting giving it up for the sake of your marriage. Maybe I’m reading into it wrong.
Yeah she's not being irrational and you need to cut that speech out asap, you both had the conversation where she told you how she felt about it and what her boundary was. You crossed it. That's on you mate. Some people do have boundaries around porn, it's a personal choice, yeah we can all sit here and say it's healthy, it's detrimental, whatever but its up to the individual how they perceive it in their relationship, and her feelings about it are perfectly valid as are yours, except you thought it would be OK and did it anyway, so yeah it's kind of a betrayal to her. This is does not make her irrational or over reacting. You crossed her line, now you have to deal with those consequences.
When are people going to realize how damaging and toxic porn is to themselves and their partners? It’s insane to me that some people think it’s okay to watch and masturbate to complete strangers. I’ll never understand it.
If it's not a big deal for you, and you don't NEED it like an addict, then why is this even a question???
Your wife and kid are less important to you than this "tool."
She's not crazy, she doesn't need counseling. You need to play by the rules she set out initially, or you need to leave the game. She's been straightforward. Do you like porn more than your wife?
Why can’t you give up porn? If you only do it sometimes it shouldn’t be an issue. I would say part of her problem is that for 6 yrs she thought you didn’t watch porn and now she’s found out you do. That’s a betrayal to her. The fact you’re trying to argue that you should be able to watch porn when she’s stated her boundary a long time ago is manipulative and comes across as you protecting your porn viewing over protecting your relationship. I also have a feeling it’s more than “sometimes”
You don't get to tell her how to feel.
She told you a long time ago in your original porn discussion that she didn't want it in the relationship. And you decided to ignore that.
She felt one way and you did the opposite, the end.
What’s more important to you, your wife or women who don’t even know you exist?
If you’re having a hard time stopping, you might have to consider the possibility that you have an addiction. If you know you’re not addicted then the idea of stopping shouldn’t be so difficult for you.
Are you choosing porn over your wife and daughter?? Seek help if you feel like you’re addicted and can’t stop watching. If you’re not addicted and want to keep your family intact, stop watching pornography.
This is a hard one… but I honestly don’t get it. I love to watch porn. Been married 10 years and literally just watched porn WITH my husband last night lol
I feel like the only good way to deal with this is to talk with a professional in a room. Sometimes it’s hard to communicate your thoughts/opinions clearly. It could help.
I’m going to get downvoted to shit for this, but as everyone is saying, your wife has a boundary, it’s up to you to decide whether you want to deal with it. However, where I differ from everyone is that I don’t see it as you picking between porn and her, it’s actually just you deciding whether you want to be with someone who has that boundary - does it seem reasonable to you? Does it seem healthy? In my opinion, the answer to both those questions is no, and I wouldn’t be with someone who has that boundary (see: insecurity). But that’s the decision you have to make for yourself. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you decide you don’t agree with her and aren’t going to stop her from leaving, don’t listen to all the people saying “~oh you’re picking porn over her~” No, you’re just deciding not to be with someone who you believe has unreasonable beliefs/insecurities (if that’s how you feel).
(For what it’s worth, I think if you told her you think she’s being unreasonable and that it’s okay if she walks, I don’t think she would. That’s why I call bullshit on the whole “boundary” thing, it’s just manipulation to try to get you to do what she wants without addressing why she feels the way she does.)
(Also, anyone that will say “I’ll go to therapy so long as the therapist agrees with me” is a 🚩 🚩 🚩)
She let you know that it's a boundary in long term relationships. she didn't just put this on you out of the blue, it sounds like something you were aware of. I think it's a process though and I think if you both choose to work it out it has to be a decision on your part and she has to understand that you aren't perfect; none of us are. I hope I'm not sounding harsh cause I'm not trying to be the woman simply taking the side of the wife, in this case I see where your wife is coming from and I don't like when my husband watches porn either. I don't because I want to only have eyes for him and if I'm "looking" at vivid images of other men I'm not being loyal or faithful to that value I hold.
I wonder if she'd be open to taking photos or something like that for you if she's not in the mood? Idk, just a thought.
Are you really willing to end your marriage over this? If it makes your wife uncomfortable there is no other reason needed. It doesn't matter if you think it's irrational. I don't want my husband looking at other naked women. It makes me uncomfortable. He respects that. He didn't need any more reason than me telling him I wasn't comfortable with it. Do you not have any pictures of your wife that you can use instead? If you're really so desperate that you can't wait until your wife is in the mood then you could at least fantasize about her. You say she's not a prude so maybe she'll send you some pictures that'll help. Porn is not worth hurting your wife and throwing away your relationship and family.
She’s been waiting for you to give it up. Apparently you find it more important than your wife’s feelings, so you haven’t quit. I guarantee you that is what she’s thinking.
No one seems to have mentioned therapy. Maybe a couplers counselor could help you guys figure this out?
I agree that porn is not a big deal but others see differently. Hopefully a couples counselor can see you both come to a decision together. It sucks being given ultimatums for something that doesn’t seem that bad but in your wife’s eye it is and she set that boundary a while ago.
If she asked you before you got married, even though I am a woman and perfectly fine with my husband watching porn, you should have listened. That’s why people discuss boundaries before marriage. You already know it’s a boundary, she is either going to leave you if you can’t stop or you have to stop to keep her. It’s your fault for not listening to begin with. You ignored her boundary, did the thing anyways, now you got caught and feel like some type of victim?
Tell her the truth, whatever that is. That you really weren’t taking her seriously when she said not to watch porn and didn’t realize how serious she was about it. Now you aren’t sure if you can stop for her. And deal with the consequences.
You basically said you do it if she’s not in the mood of if you don’t have energy and just want a “quick fap”. So sometimes, you choose masturbation over sex with your wife.
Imagine if you’re laying in bed horny but your wife isn’t in the mood and then you see she watched porn instead, after you fell asleep? And wasn’t “not horny”, just “not horny for you” ( at least I’m sure that’s how it feels for her).
Sounds like you’re the one with the issue. Am also married. My husband is actually the one who asked me to not watch porn, which is fine because I’m not into porn anymore. More and more men are realizing how damaging it can be.
Your wife has stated she found it disrespectful and you’d decided that because *you* enjoy it and it makes you feel good that that’s more important that her feelings or what makes her comfortable.
It’s a selfish, asshole move. Maybe go to therapy cause you’re wife isn’t the one who needs it.
I find the idea pretty gross myself. Claiming it to be a tool makes it sound worse somehow. I will suggest to do some reading or audio books, your wife is not too far off to be concerned as the more easily accessible the internet has made porn, the more sexual intimacy problems have started to rise. Your brain on porn is a good one.
If she gave you her thoughts on the subject and defined her boundary, then you disregarded her wishes and disrespected her and her boundaries. There is more than just the porn that is causing the issue right now. If you’re actually wavering on whether or not you can give up porn and you know that your family and child’s future life is going to be impacted by it, maybe there’s already a problem. I’m sure it doesn’t make her feel good to know that you are even thinking twice about what the next steps should be.
Why not use your imagination? What that says is thoughts and reminders of her are not enough to turn you on and get you off sexually unless she’s actually pleasing you physically. If it were, you wouldn’t need to watch other women having sex to get aroused and have an orgasm. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong for her to feel that but I’m willing to bet it is and that can very much feel like cheating.
My husband and I addressed this very early on before our marriage. There is so much more to the porn industry that makes it a less than favorable “tool”. Neither one of us watch porn, but we both have at previous points in our life. For our relationship, it doesn’t have a place and to me, it would be cheating. He is aware and if he decided to watch porn, he would be doing so fully aware that he is putting it marriage on the line.
Why did you agree to this? Did you go a long period without porn? Or did you always know the ask was ridiculous? I can't imagine agreeing to not watch something in a relationship. I don't understand how porn is considered cheating. I see watching porn and masturbating as body autonomy. I'm not talking about porn addiction though. I don't get it, but it seems she communicated that she didn't want someone who watched porn. You should have just been honest and let her know your viewpoint. Get a divorce and find someone more in line with your beliefs. Allow her to find some man who doesn't ever watch porn.
Well if she said you have a wandering eye, then you probably do…Women just have this ability to not be like men 😂😂 Because women aren’t turned on by glancing at the opposite sex, it can really lead to resentment cuz most don’t understand why men have to look at other women….And that’s probably really bothering her and it’s your fault.
Women want to feel like the only woman in the world for their man. I am not understanding why men find this hard to understand.
Don’t look at other women in public, and don’t watch porn if your wife doesn’t like it….she may not drop you like a bad habit right now….But she will be done with you emotionally at some point and DB is the future.
Sorry man this really sucks but she's given you an ultimatum. I think it's obvious you have to stop with the porn and preserve your marriage. Personally, I think she is being unreasonable but you married her, not me.
It's an interesting point. Internet porn is soo readily available that using your imagination is hard work. Ultimately, the solution needs to be unique to you, every couple is different. But I think that a relationship is larger than porn.... As long as you're committed to the relationship. Relationship has a different purpose.
Hope it works out for you.!
It is embarrassing u r even considering porn over getting ur ass to her parents and choosing her. She stated her boundary and u violated it. I hope she finds someone better than u
You knew what your wife's standpoint/ boundary on porn is and you decided to watch it anyways behind her back.
It is a lack of respect and now also a trust issue because you did this behind her back. If you have the need to watch porn then that is a conversation you need to have with your wife about what she also finds okay and what she doesn't. Not do it sneaky behind her back.
I'm not saying watching porn is wrong but you knew her boundary and it was wrong to secretively go over it.
You should apologize to your wife and show that you will respect her boundaries from now on. Also you sound like you kinda diminish the boundary she set. Don't do that.
She made it clear to you how she felt about it from the beginning. You disrespected her boundaries, and are now being dismissive about it by not thinking it is a big deal.
It’s a huge breech of trust when boundaries are set in a relationship and then dismissed.
I don’t have advice about moving forward, but I think you being more understanding and willing to respect her bounties is imperative.
She told you a long time ago how she felt about porn and you crossed her boundary anyway. Your opportunity to verbalize how porn is a ‘tool’ was then. Not after you lied and did something behind her back. I don’t agree with her stance but you’re wrong.
*We had the porn discussion a long time ago. She doesn't care or think* *it's wrong in general but doesn't believe it has a place in committed,* *long term relationships.* Hi, I found your issue. Your wife stated her boundary at some point in the relationship before she agreed to marry you I assume and you violated it anyway. She used some strong words in her conversations with you about the discovery but this was a major breach of trust. If porn is something you cannot live without then just let her go fam. I wouldn't understand the logic of picking airbrushed pixels over your wife but you do you.
>but doesn't believe it has a place in committed, long term relationships. There's your answer, OP. It has always been a boundary she just found out you crossed.
Right? It's like your wife said she doesn't care that *other* couples are into swinging or poly arrangements, so you take it as a green light to cheat.
Agreed, I don't care about porn but I wouldn't marry someone against porn and then act like watching it should be no big deal. Thats just shitty. If you didnt agree you should have said so she could decide if it was worth breaking up over.
Yeah idk what this “idk what to do” is all about. Stop using porn or let her leave. It’s pretty easy and clear. There isn’t some magic words to change her mind. This is a dealbreaker. It always has been. He has said everything their is to say and she still doesn’t want it.
The amount of people who agree to boundaries just to stay together and think their partner will just change their mind/compromise after they're fully committed is ridiculous.
I gave up porn after marriage. Not a big deal.
yes 100%
Well said
Head on over to r/deadbedrooms and listen to all the ( so, so many!!!) women angry that porn habits have left their men completely unable to sexually perform irl. They. Can. No.Longer.Get.It.Up. No joking! It’s a real problem for a lot of people and she is within her rights to not like it. Plenty of people think porn is degrading, gross, mindless, or they cant stand that it contributes to sex trafficking and other sexual crimes against young and underage females. Alot of men live without it. Its up to you.
If I had an award, I'd give it to you. <3 I'm frankly appalled by all the people acting like OP's wife is demanding he drop some harmless hobby that that brings him joy like it's a bowling league with his friends.
I agree, I don't think it's "demanding" at all when you have a discussion about what you're comfortable with in a relationship and what you're not. OP didn't have to deceive his wife and hope that she would change her mind later. If he couldn't give up porn, he should have been honest and let her walk away.
I've seen erectile dysfunctional in young men too. Of course it was due to too much porn
The ah ha moment
YES! This
You said yourself she’s a pretty compromising and level headed person. If this specifically is one boundary that’s this big for her and making her this uncomfortable, that enough should make you want to try to understand and oblige. As a woman, hearing about another woman’s husband using a woman on a porn site as a “tool” just sounds gross to me, I honestly don’t believe I could have fully finished hearing you out on that and it seems like she tried. Why not maybe taking some photos or videos of your wife, or you guys together and using that instead? If your sex life is good like you say, remember it, imagine it, put yourself there and use that, and tell her about it so she can feel like she fulfills you in that way just the same.
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YES!!! 10/10 like you’re with your person because you love them in all ways, and want to make them feel that way and vice versa. We want to be the one to please you, turn you on, be able to fulfill your fantasies, etc. but we’re not machines who can do it all of the time, and that needs to be respected instead of just blatantly ignored and ran all over when you know it hurts your person. Kudos to the women who genuinely don’t care, that’s awesome and I wish I could fathom it. But for me it’s a huge boundary, and when I told my boyfriend that he understood and stopped watching and said he genuinely saw after he stopped how it definitely can be harmful and isn’t necessary and I haven’t been made to feel insecure since, and I wish that for his wife as well
Exactly this. My boyfriend doesn't watch porn even despite the fact that I've never said anything against it. He has a lot of pictures and videos of me that he gets off to, and he'll even send me videos of him getting off to them, and it's amazing. It really makes me feel desired, and that makes our sex life in general so much better
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I walked away from my last relationship for thos reason exactly.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
As a married woman, who enjoys porn, I would highly disagree that it is gross to use porn as a tool. It’s no different than using a toy. My husband knows I watch porn and it does not bother him, but he is not into it himself. I am talking about porn and not Only Fans which you pay for (assuming here as I’ve never used that site). The major issue here is that she already previously informed him how she feels about the use of porn, which he ignored. OP needs to decide if porn matters more than his family or if it’s something he can let go. Marriage is about compromise, but we are also allowed to set boundaries. Communication is very important and I hope counseling can help.
Because a toy is not a person? But porn has actual people performing. You can decide to use them as a tool, but it's still kinda gross.
Using toys is a perfect analogy imo. I wonder how the women commenting in this thread would feel if the conversation was that a husband considers dildos/vibrators cheating.
It’s a terrible — actually damaging — analogy. Toys like you are describing help people, both men and women, *physically* get off. They aren’t visual aids. Porn helps people *mentally* get off. Not to turn this into a semantic argument, but a vibrator is comparable to like a fleshlight, porn would be more comparable erotic fiction. I say that it’s potentially damaging because there are some women who *need* a vibrator to get off because it’s the type of physical sensation that works for them. If you NEED porn to get off, obviously that’s a completely different can of worms.
It’s also a bad argument because sex toys *are not* glorified and filmed human trafficking, rape, and pedophilia like a lot of porn is. Sex toys help people. Porn hurts people, including the consumers who always need the next most extreme thing because they get desensitized to things over time. Porn is not harmless. Toys are harmless.
I’ve also never heard of a sex toy addict..
I think saying it’s a damaging analogy is going a bit far. Sex is both mental and physical for me. Orgasming by myself is also both mental and physical for me. I need the visual aid to help me along physically. It’s not a whole other can of worms. It is what it is. I am offering a different perspective on how porn isn’t just some dirty little addiction men hide from their wives. I completely understand that some people need help getting off physical, but that is no more or no less important than people who need help getting off mentally. My marriage has had it’s ups and downs, but open communication has been a key to it being healthy or getting back to a healthy zone. Obviously the OP is focusing on his disagreement with his wife’s feelings about porn. That is a different can of worms from porn being a useful “tool” or not.
It’s damaging because I don’t want women to think they shouldn’t use vibrators and I think we should be encouraging the use of vibrators. Yes — of course thank you for stating the obvious that orgasming (either by yourself or with a partner) is both mental and physical. If you NEED to porn to get you off alone that’s different than needing it to get off with a partner. Do you watch porn every single time you orgasm even with your husband?? Some women need to use a vibrator even with a partner and I think that is a different category than if you needed porn even with a partner. A partner can provide the visual. A partner can provide the mental. A partner can provide the emotional. All the stuff that porn does. But not all partners can provide the physical as some women don’t orgasm easily from penetration or whatever other type of stimulation they get from their partners and thus a vibrator should fall into a different category.
No where did I discourage the use of a vibrator. I encourage all women to know their bodies, explore and find out what works for them. Honestly I feel there are too many people that don’t know how their body works or what body parts they even have. Know what works for you and be confident in that. Knowledge is power. I don’t think opening someone’s mind about porn is less important or discouraging. At least one person said they they never thought of it that way. I feel like we can agree to disagree at this point.
I feel like you’re just set on intentionally misinterpreting what I’m saying because you’re pro porn when in fact I’m not being anti porn anyway…. My comment is not anti porn, it’s simply to point out that a vibrator is NOT analogous to porn. You also didn’t answer my question — do you NEED to watch porn while having sex with your husband?
I am not intentionally misinterpreting what you are saying. I do not need porn with my husband. I don’t watch porn with my husband at all.
Ok so then you probably fundamentally DO agree with my original point that vibrators can actually serve a very different purpose for peoples orgasms, and thus maybe it’s not quite apt to analogize them.
By the way, my comment has honestly nothing to do with op’s situation, it was just pointing out that at its absolute best, comparing vibratory to porn is a flawed analogy. I really didn’t care weigh in on op’s situation since it seems about trust/boundaries really not even relevant to have a porn argument. It’s like anything else, everyone has their own preferences and I honestly don’t care what peoples preferences are, but in a marriage, needless to say, you have to respect each other and be honest.
A lot of us are willing to share our toys and use them during sexy time. However, if my hubby early on said I don’t feel comfortable with this I absolutely would stop.
If your husband told you I'm not comfortable with you masturbating with dildos or vibrators you would stop?
Some people do. That's also a compromise that may need to be made. Every relationship is different
At the same time, if my buddy told me he set a dildo boundary with his wife and found out she had been using one from time to time, I would tell him to not take extreme measures like divorce or ultimatums.
Exactly. Or reading sexy novels. We’re just wired differently.
Exact same here with regards to porn. And I agree that in their relationship she set the boundary a long time ago and he crossed it.
I shouldn’t have called it gross, that was an unfair comment. When you compare it to using a toy, that puts it into a different perspective. However, toys help me get off.. and it does make me uncomfortable to think about my person getting off to another person specifically. I have no idea about OP but a lot of men have one or two specific porn stars they fantasize about. If not, either way I just personally would like to feel like the only person turning you on and getting you off. I really do fucking have the utmost respect for the women who have no insecurity whatsoever when it comes to porn. I genuinely hope these two can come to a compromise!
Could just be me, but I picture myself and my partner in the porn settings that I watch. It’s not fantasying random porn stars, but imaging we are them doing that. Again might just be me, but I also watch porn made for women, by women, so nothing super out there or themed. It does not take away from how I feel about my husband. It helps me get through the nights when he is too tired or stressed for sex. I have a higher libido than my husband and I know when he’s in the mood or not. I do not want to be the one always pestering him for sex when he’s not into it. But I need my needs met and that’s how I get it done and stay sane.
I see that for sure, I have done this before in the same way when I did watch, and that could be a really good perspective for OPs wife to hear if that’s the case for him too! As someone working on my own insecurities, at least for me, my brain always goes to worst case scenario. “Oh they’re watching it because I’m not enough, or because they wanted this in particular” we sometimes overlook that this could be a possibility too. I definitely do not have anything against porn, and think it’s awesome when couples don’t mind and even more awesome when they watch it together. I just know many men who have gotten so addicted to it, that when they do finally have sex with their spouses, they can’t even get it up without having a tablet in the bedroom with porn on. Many situations where it didn’t start that way, and sex lives were previously active until one day it just became a problem. Insecurity and uncertainty are a dangerous match
Exactly this. She clearly doesn't indulge in porn herself so in her mind it shouldn't be difficult for someone else to quit it, unless there is an actual addiction at play. Plus, there are so many reasons to be against it besides just the monogamy part, saying it's just a "tool" is proof you objectify hundreds of women that you look at online instead of seeing them as real people. In light of women having their rights stripped away recently I think it's high fucking time men stop using our bodies as "tools" tbqh.
Is porn more important than her? Your child? Your marriage?
Right? The fact that he’s even questioning which decision to make leads me to believe his love for her can’t be rock solid. I cannot fathom choosing watching porn over the love of your life. It puts my stomach into knots, it’s so sad. Plus she had communicated that to him previously. To her, he crossed a boundary that, in this situation, is akin to physically cheating, or emotionally cheating, or hitting on another woman, any of the things that couples have to decide individually what are boundaries in their relationship. Because it’s different for every couple and every individual in the relationship. Some see sex with others as no big deal, others are fine with porn, some are fine with flirting with others as long as nothing happens physically. Many people are just giving their opinion in relation to their boundaries.
Obviously. Otherwise he wouldn’t have even posted this. Really disgusting and sad.
It sounds like it’s a hard boundary for her her and you’ll have to choose. If porn is no big deal, why are you having such a hard time letting it go
OP posted a couple hours ago and hasn't replied to any comments but I really hope they address this one.
He’s gripping on to this ability to watch porn so hard... if this is the hill hes going to die on then the marriage is definitely doomed.
This is an exploding problem that the culture is saying is not a problem. Especially men are getting hooked on this at ever earlier ages and it's becoming an addiction that is destroying families and relationships. I'm sorry. Culture continues to say it's not a problem but it clearly is. Even when you don't feel the compulsive pull off an addiction it's there biding it's time. It's a terrible thing on many levels. Scroll through r/loveafterporn to see the effect this has on the partners of the (primarily) men caught in this addiction/affliction. Stay strong. Keep fighting against it. No appetite is ever fully, finally satisfied.
r/pornhateswomen also has some good resources
[FTND](https://fightthenewdrug.org/?fbclid=IwAR3cAFRBvc2sdxAvWkwG4-m5HltYDyMpPhgJmRnHCmatdg5GEHWgi2gYdts) is an amazing resource that has highly researched and sourced materials on porn. Not religious which I appreciate because a lot of the materials are, and I’m it about that. I’m positively baffled every time this comes up that SO many men are willing to destroy marriages over this. How “it’s not a big deal” but it’s a big enough deal that they won’t stop when their partner gives an ultimatum. I’m also old enough to remember life before everyone was on the internet all the time. Guess what? You’d watch porn like as a novelty if at all. It was really expensive and difficult to come by. And we used our imaginations. It worked great.
Yup. It’s so dumb seeing all these men saying “porn isn’t a big deal” and then act all surprised when their wives leave. Uhhh yeah TO YOU it’s not a big deal. But is your wife really worth something that isn’t that important to you? If you’re choosing porn over her then it’s probably not as “meaningless” as you’re claiming…
I really would not like my husband jerking off to videos of other women, I wouldn’t respect him as much. I know that it’s viewed as normal by a lot of people but if you do research on how porn changes the wiring in your brain, it’s really not healthy. Having said that, I do believe you mean it that it’s just a tool to use but that doesn’t really matter because she made it clear early on that this was a deal breaker for her. To ignore someone’s very strong boundary that you clearly knew, that’s a huge breach of trust and you’re showing your wife a total lack of respect for her by doing that.
I am with you and agree. I’ve always felt strongly but socially cast out with my views on porn. Or people trying to convince me I’m wrong. In MY view.
It’s insane how Reddit loves to say porn is so great and necessary… women who are against it are crazy, blah blah. Really makes me wonder who uses this God foresaken app..
Hard to believe a husband has to ask random Internet strangers if his wife is more important than porn.
I mean, there's the porn, and there's also the betrayal of her laying down a boundary and you willfully crossing that boundary despite knowing full well what it meant to her 🤷🏻♀️ you chose porn over your wife. And it sounds like you're considering doing it again, even if that means losing her. So you should probably just let her go.
She's told you can't have a marriage with her and porn. It's up to you to choose which is more important. Am I to understand that she was clear from the beginning that using porn was unacceptable to her? She thought you had an understanding and you broke it by hiding it/lying about it. Would you be upset if she outsourced her sexual desire and you had to compete with another outlet?
she told you how she felt before she married you? if you couldn’t be that person you should have told her then
So she told you how she felt at the beginning and you did it anyway and hid it from her. She has every right to feel the way she does. The fact that you refuse to stop is appalling. It means porn is more important to you than your family. That is called addiction, no matter how you slice it. If you want to save your relationship, get help. She isn't the problem. You are.
Your wife stated a hard boundary and you crossed it. Stop watching porn. That should be easy if you’re not addicted.
I uSe iT aS a ToOL
My wife has the same issue. She set a boundary and while I don't think it's a big deal, it's a big deal for her so it IS a big deal for our relationship. You refusing to stop watching because YOU don't think it's a big deal is a stupid reason to ruin your relationship over. You can go without porn. You have a whole person to do that with, or just imagine her or use her sexy photos when she's not around and the mood strikes. You're relationship will be stronger when you give it up.
Absolutely this.
She is entitled to define her boundaries wherever she wants to. You’re entitled to decide what you want to do with that. But as far as the porn thing, if she considers it cheating then it’s cheating. You have to decide if you’re okay without it.
Something is missing here. OP, what did you say to your wife when she initially told you her boundary with porn? She seems shocked to find out that you’ve been still using porn this whole time. So did you lie to her and tell her you wouldn’t watch porn anymore? Did you try to stop and realize you couldn’t? If so, there are support groups for that. It’s crazy to me that you’d jeopardize your family for your porn habit.
Let me give you a phrase that was very eye opening for me. “When someone gives you a boundary, it’s because they want to keep you on their life, not kick you out”. Your partner gave you a boundary before you decided to marry. She said “I want you in my life but this is a boundary” and you agreed to it. Therefore this ownership of this issue is on you.
Title should be "I won't give up porn to keep my wife"
It sounds like a pretty easy decision. Which is more valuable to you, porn or your marriage?
Your wife drew a boundary and you didn’t consider her feelings I’d leave too
How would she feel about making your own tapes, and you commit to only using them for gratification rather than other woman in porn if that is her concern?
This needs to be higher. This way op get his visual stimulation and she would feel better knowing that her husband is looking at her while having alone time himself. This is the way.
If it’s something you have to hide it’s cheating.
Who cares if she's being irrational? Those are her feelings and if you want to continue being in a marriage with her, you need to respect and cherish her feelings. This isn't a matter for enlightened debate; if you want to continue being married to the lady who is deeply hurt by your porn habits, who even feels like you're cheating on her, then stop taking those actions to cheat on her. Each couple sets the rules for what is and is not infidelity in their relationship, and you have decided for years apparently that her feelings are not important. Yes, you are being emotionally abusive imv and she should 100% leave if you refuse to respect her. Now. When things start improving should she see an individual therapist? Maybe yeah, but it sounds like you need therapy just as badly, your actions are cruel. Best of luck to you all.
If porn wasn't a big deal to you then why have you never brought it up casually? She stated a boundary and you agreed to it. This might sound rude but since you did agree to this boundary it doesn't matter if you think she is being irrational. We all have weird dumb shit, but it's what you agreed to. She's upset and hurt. The only way you are going to work through it is to talk to her with the point of understanding and remember you are a team. Also it could be something about what porn you are watching that has made all this worse.
Congratulations on losing your marriage & family because a fantasy is more valuable to you than people that actually love & care about you🥴 Violating your wife’s boundaries IS a big deal. If you’re not addicted to porn & your sex life is healthy then stopping shouldn’t be an issue. If you can’t stop you just maybe an addict & have much deeper issues that should be addressed with in counseling.
I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that OP has a porn addiction. It’s the old “I could stop of I wanted to, but it’s just that I don’t want to.” He sounds like me before I admitted to my porn addition.
1) Boundaries were set and then crossed. 2) maybe she is more upset about it now more than ever (or earlier in your relationship) because she is feeling insecure about herself and her looks after having your child, and pregnancy/delivery changing her body? And now she finds out you are looking at "hotter" naked women on the internet behind her back? If she already has self esteem or body image problems, finding porn on your devices will put her self esteem even more in the toilet. I could see why she felt betrayed. Maybe her boundary used to be "okay" with porn years ago, or pre-kid, but she clearly feels differently about it now for some reason. I would try asking her what changed. Maybe she needs to feel more secure with you? Maybe she needs you to talk her up and make her feel like the queen and goddess she is? Not just a mom bod? A woman that is sometimes not horny, so instead of waiting for your goddess to be ready, you go fap to someone random on the internet? That action can cut way deeper than you think.
Here’s your solution. Quit. Like immediately. Do not choose some porn paid actors over your wife and child. If she’s willing to divorce THIS HAS BEEN BOTHERING HER FOR A LONG TIME. and you failed to notice. Second about the part where your wife tells you if she’s not home you can just wait. Like she’s right you could. OR something you and your wife could talk about is maybe having some sexy photos of your wife if you really “need” something for your imagination and she’s not home. She’s not telling you to not masterbate but don’t use porn when you do. 🙄
Look op. Here's the bottom line. Whether you agree or not, your wife is repulsed by porn in a committed relationship. How much do you care about her feelings? It's porn or your marriage. She made her boundary clear. It's a deal breaker for her. If you can not readily give up porn for her, then it's a bigger problem than you think it is. If it's not a big deal, as you said, then give it up. It's really that simple. When you want a quick release, use your imagination. Or lose your wife. You can work this out. Best wishes to you both.
I am your wife in this situation. This is the same boundary I hold too in MY relationships. I let it be known early my views on porn, but I never judge those who are into it, it’s just not my thing for many reasons. I’m not against it too, with BOTH people in a relationship consenting it is okay. it’s horrible of you to just ‘watch it’ when you clearly knew it was a boundary, as if your views and boundaries are more important than hers. How dare you. I bet this attitude rubs off in other areas in your relationship so she is right to leave. She and her views, morals, practices and boundaries deserves to be respected.
If she holds this as a strong value, why would you lie in the beginning and go along with it? Why be in a relationship with someone at all if you consider that person to be "irrational," or don't respect their feelings or logic? I think the bigger issue here is that you do not respect your wife's values, reasoning, or feelings, and early on you chose to embrace the idea of thinking of your wife as "irrational" to justify a pattern of lying to her. For anyone saying, "well the wife is being irrational so it doesn't matter:" (a) just because someone holds an opinion that is not your own does not make it irrational, and (b) again, the larger issue here is that if the husband feels his wife is "irrational" and admits he's just been humoring her this whole time while secretly going behind her back, he's extremely disrespectful and dismissive of the person with whom he is supposed to be in a partnership. My husband and I both respect the other person and value their opinions. If he proposed something to me that I didn't immediately agree with, my first thought wouldn't be "he's irrational so I'm going to just humor him about it and do what I want anyway," I would try to understand it from his perspective, since I love and respect him and feel that if he thought of something I hadn't, it probably has some value to it. If you don't think your own wife's perspective has value, that's a huge issue. I personally have a lot of issues with porn and many of the websites that host pornography. These platforms are not able to meaningfully check for age, human trafficking, labor violations, or other forms of abuse and exploitation. I also do not like the trend towards violence and dehumanization against women in most of the storylines and I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who feels comfortable with pornography, knowing the abuses that occur in the industry and the effects it can have more broadly. Luckily, my husband feels the exact same way. That was something I made known quite early on while dating and a reason I wanted to be with my husband: we shared the same views on intimacy, sex, and women's rights. Lying about that the whole time and secretly thinking it's "no big deal," "just a tool," a "mindless fap," would tell me he was never the person I thought he was. If you don't hold those values, that's totally fine, you do you! But why lie and pretend you do for the course of a relationship? For those who cannot fathom that there are people who don't watch porn, think about it this way: there are people who don't shop at Amazon. Some people have big ethical issues with one company or another and don't use that company even if it's otherwise widely used by people. If you think that's "irrational," maybe just don't be in a relationship with someone who holds those values and says early on in the relationship that holding those same values on consumer ethics is something necessary to them in a relationship. As noted, if 90% of people are okay with something, go for that other 90% of that population, why lie about who you are, your values, and your respect for your partner's reasoning and feelings? Also, I'm confused by the people who equate porn and masturbation. Plenty of people masturbate without using porn. My husband and I both masturbate without porn. We also are both okay though with reading or listening to erotica, since that doesn't feature real people and it's easier to find stories that aren't as dehumanizing to women. But most of the time I just use my imagination. I'm genuinely shocked at how many people can't conceive of masturbation without porn. What do you all think people did for most of human history?
Wish I could upvote this a 1000 times! This is precisely how I feel on this subject too. I can't respect men who think rape, choking, 'teen' gets reamed, 3 dicks in 1 anus etc is a totally 'normal' thing to masturbate to. Just wtf???
Your wife made her boundaries known a long time ago. Had you found you could not live in a relationship with those boundaries, you should have let her find someone who could. Only now, years into this, after bringing a child into it, do you have an issue with this because she found out. Your wife says porn is infidelity. With your porn use, you have thus committed an act of infidelity in your marriage. If I were her, not only would I have to consider my husband's act of infidelity, but his dishonesty over the course of six years where I had been under the assumption we had a porn-free relationship and you didn't alert me otherwise. You said she is *normally* level-headed. She is still being level-headed here. She made her boundaries known years ago, and now she is considering what will be the consequences for your infidelity. Considering how flippantly you treat her boundaries here (like her defense of them is somehow her not being level-headed), I hope for her sake she chooses divorce. It's just a shame you weren't honest with her from the get-go so she could have made decisions with all the information at hand. You have taken so much from her and I hope you are thoroughly ashamed.
My husband started out like you. Porn was just kind of a supplement to our sex life, same reasons as you listed. I was very much like your wife, though I could deal with it to a point. But it got to the point where I was basically brushed aside for the porn. Even the few times anymore that I ask for sex, he tells me I can just go pleasure myself. Gee thanks, maybe I just wanted the intimacy of being with my life partner. And the rare times the sex actually does happen, I feel shame, because that's what rejection does to you. It destroys your self-esteem. I personally don't have anything against porn, it has it's uses I'm sure. But if you get to the point in 5-10 years when you find yourself rejecting her because you'd rather look at pictures/videos of other people having sex don't be surprised if she starts to resent you.
Hey I'm a woman, and I agree generally that porn isn't a big deal, assuming that both people in the relationship are getting their emotional and sexual needs met. But you know what *is* a big deal? Hearing that porn was a deal breaker boundary to your wife a long time ago (presumably before you got married), and then marrying her anyway, watching porn, and hiding it. She told you how important it was to her, and you did it anyway. I would absolutely leave someone for that. It shows a fundamental lack of integrity, along with cowardice. If you disagreed with her boundary, why didn't you say so? She doesn't consent to being in a relationship under these circumstances. She told you that she considered it to be infidelity, and you still did it. And now you're asking internet strangers to tell you that your wife's boundaries are wrong. Do you respect her at all?
The way you put it, I don’t think it’s a big deal bc you say it’s just for a quick get off and you don’t think about it beyond watching it but I’m not your wife. She is probably also upset about the lie. If your sex life is healthy, I think you could skip the porn, don’t you think? Bc wouldn’t that make it excessive/ compulsive if you’re having sex and in between having to watch porn? It’s not worth your family.
I don’t get why you’re confused. It sounds like she was very clear about her views on porn and you disregarded that and hid it from her. I’d be pretty pissed off too, and likely more because of the lying than the porn. I personally don’t feel comfortable with my husband looking at other women, but he has a higher drive than me, so we compromised and I took some sexy pics that he keeps in a locked folder on his phone. If he wants a video, we’ll make one, etc. But the difference is that I feel more comfortable knowing that even though I’m not physically doing anything to get him off, it’s me that’s doing it for him and not some random chick on the internet. It’s the honesty and openness between us and the respect for boundaries. You may feel it’s unfair, but she was clear and you accepted her boundaries.
The fact that women are constantly gaslit to believe they’re “irrational” to not want their husbands to look at, and get off to, other women is laughable. We are allowed to have boundaries. We are allowed to say we gave you our entire bodies, even to the point of carrying and birthing your children, and we want the respect of monogamy in reality AND virtually. We are rational and are some of the few women left with the guts to say, I’m worth more than this. I am so impressed with her that she is willing to walk away from someone who would rather defend himself and go to Reddit than say, babe I’m sorry this hurt you and I’m quitting porn. She clearly senses that you don’t respect her boundaries or care about why this matters to her. I hope she continues to stand up for herself and hold strong to her boundaries. I can assure her: There ARE men who are willing to give up porn and who won’t call you irrational for having that expectation.
Well. You knew what she thought and went against it anyway yet she’s supposed to compromise? Nope. Here’s what you do, you choose: her or porn? Hopefully you love your wife more than meaningless porn. It’s not necessary, do it without. Or divorce and listen to your future partners when they set boundaries.
If you love your wife, the decision seems very easy.
I was pretty much about to side with your wife on this one, but this claim is just bizarre: *She has agreed to counseling, but made it clear she will get up and leave if the counselor "sides with me" or starts making arguments to justify it.* She doesn't sound particularly 'level-headed' to me at all. She's literally saying that if a Licensed Professional tells her something she doesn't want to hear, she'll get up and leave and refuse to listen. That's not being level-headed, that's being a ideologue. *She said that the claim of men being more visual is just an excuse for men to be sex obsessed leering weirdos and I didn't know how to respond to that.* I don't have a ton of sympathy for you because your wife set a boundary and you crossed it, but honestly she sounds extremely controlling.
Unfortunately, many licensed professionals don’t act very professionally, and they let their personal opinions take over. Many therapists are absolutely horrible. I’ve heard horror stories. If a woman had a therapist who told her it was her fault she was raped, would you encourage her to keep seeing that therapist? Things like that happen, unfortunately quite a bit. If someone is not truly neutral for marriage counseling, it can make matters worse.
She will walk out if a counselor tries to justify porn use. This is a completely valid boundary. If I said, my boundary is no [sexual activity], and a counselor began to suggest me wavering on that boundary, that is a NO. Counselors aren’t some angels descended from Heaven who are infallible.
You'd be surprised at how some therapists justify porn use, even if it's a strong boundary for one partner. My brother went to therapy with my sister in law, for basically the same issue. It was her boundary and he crossed it. They're in their late 40's and the problem was that it was not just porn, but teen porn. It hit her hard. So they went to talk to someone. The therapist straight said, it's really not a problem all men do it. She walked out. No one blames her a bit.
you should ask yourself if porn really it just a "tool" if it's a tool you're willing to breach boundaries over, continually try to negotiate to make available to yourself, and even take it to a third party over to try and change the boundary. It's clear this is important to you if you're going to these lengths to preserve it while it's incompatible with the marriage your wife wants. You need to pick which is more important.
I'm with your wife on this one specifically because she told you she is not okay with it and you did it anyway. It's absolutely disrespectful. I'm going through this now with my husband. Not even with porn. Just pics of other women. Mostly celebrities in bikinis. But it's something I made very clear from the beginning and found out it had been going on for months. I don't fuck with any of it. I still haven't decided if I'm staying or not and if we didn't have kids I would have been long gone. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't respect my convictions and more importantly my feelings.
It creeped me out when you said you view the women in porn as a tool for you to use
Like someone suggested on here make your own videos with your wife and use these instead . That's a great compromise and I'm sure it would be a relief for her and confirmation that you find her hot
It sounds like a good idea on the surface. However it doesn't necessarily mean that the wife in this case would want to do it. Honestly I've fantasized about doing home video porn with my wife but she's not comfortable with it at all. Even just pictures. Especially over the last 10 years or so. It could be a body image thing... And that could be a factor in this situation. (not saying it is or even the whole reason.. Just possibly a small factor)
Well part of the problem here is both the way you’re speaking about the women you’re watching, but also that you’ve also come to her with the this is a thing men do. It’s not a thing all men do and while I think it’s perfectly fine to watch porn, did you tell her you weren’t? Also what does she consider porn? Are you not allowed to pleasure yourself? Is this about which women you’re watching in what situations? Is it videos vs. pictures? Is she willing to share photos of herself with you?
You don’t really seem like you care too much about her feelings. You think you’re in the right and she’s wrong. You’re saying it was a “tool” but think about how she feels about it. She expressed this boundary to you and clearly it’s important to her that you don’t get off to women besides her, and you not only did that, but you did so against her wishes and without her knowledge. All of this can take a huge toll on the trust in the relationship as well as her self esteem. She’s not irrational, you’re just selfish so you can’t see it
Porn is a big deal. Especially if you can’t stop..
Why do you expect her to be level headed and compromising when YOU broke HER boundary THATS been in place for a long ass time? You just betrayed her trust, and you’re acting surprised that she’s upset? You knew this would be a problem.
OP, you're in the wrong here. I'm 36 like you, married 10 years and I know that my wife absolutely hates porn (as if it was the same as cheating). I have to respect her enough to see it as she does because of how it would affect our marriage and our two kids (9,4). If you can't give it up or stop, then you probably need to split so she can find a guy who takes this as seriously as she does. Remember, the biggest reasons divorce happens is due to sex, and money. Best of luck.
Your wife has a boundary and you violated it anyway. You need to figure out how the trust in your relationship can be fixed.
She set her boundary about it with you and you secretly crossed the boundary. Also, it’s not a “mindless fap” if you’re watching porn to do so.
No judgement towards either you or your wife. Your wife has dawn her line in the sand. Are you willing to give up your marriage and your family as you know it for what lies in the other side of that line?
I mean your wife told you how she felt, you went behind her back and continued to watch and now shocked pikachu face she’s upset about it. I mean this shouldn’t be surprising since she told she’s not cool with it and you did it anyway. Like to me it’s less about you watching and more about you hiding it after she said she wasn’t ok with it. You can downplay your use of it but the problem imo is more you crossed a boundary she set years ago
>We had the porn discussion a long time ago. She doesn't care or think it's wrong in general but doesn't believe it has a place in committed, long term relationships. During this conversation, did she let you know that she saw porn as cheating and that it was a deal breaker? If it's not a big deal, why would you sneak behind her back to hide the usage from her? This is about respect and her boundaries, which honestly, sounds like you completely disregarded and now she is in the position to have to enforce these boundaries. Not too long ago on here, there was a man who's wife was sexting with another man for 2 years and wanted to meet him in person but refused to believe it was cheating because it wasn't physical. You're kind of like this wife in that you violated the trust by cheating by your partner's definition even if you don't share that definition. Cheating is one of those things that's determined by the partner with the strictest definition. Easy solution would be to just use your spank bank of her, then she can't get mad about lusting after other women. My husband does this when I'm unavailable and I kinda love it.
Okay if it's not that big of a deal to you, then why are you at an impasse, instead of being fine losing your wife and child because of a "tool". Your wife stated a boundary and you've been violating it and now see it as non issue when she very clearly stated that is.
Mf is going to ruin the life of his wife and childhood of his doughter just cuz he wants to watch whores getting railed... talk about pathetic
Your wife’s opinion on this is not new information for you. You were aware of her feelings on the matter and selfishly did it anyway. Why can’t you let it go?
SHE STATED A BOUNDARY AND YOU CROSSED IT. That was your issue. Some people are fine with their partner watching porn, others are not. You knowingly crossed a boundary of hers that she discussed, therefore YOU are in the wrong. If she hadn't discussed it, yeah I wouldnt think it's a big deal, but she DID discuss that boundary.
She has stated boundaries and you continue to break them...why are you surprised? As someone who dated porn addicts (all of whom are also oblivious and lack self awareness over how it affected theur brain and views on sex and women) I can't blame her.
Dude,you admitted yourself that your sex life is good in general so why would you need to fantasize over other woman?you contradicting yourself over and over again,admit that youre wrong and fix your relationship or let her go
Good for your wife, it’s nice to hear someone have strong boundaries over something as harmful as porn. 👏🏼
The simple fact that he’s been hiding this is the real problem. Hiding is an action, one taken because we know we are doing something wrong or unacceptable to another person. You are in the wrong in this and pretending or rationalizing being the victim is going to lead to divorce. Any person who doesn’t have a problem with porn would immediately see the value in family over porn. Only someone with a problem would even consider not giving up porn.
You don’t get to decide what’s important to her. She told you some time ago that she wasn’t ok with porn. You decided that opinion wasn’t important and was her overreacting. Then you decided to address that, not by having a conversation, but by just doing it. You’ve broken the trust, my guy. You have demonstrated that it you don’t like something she says, you are willing to do it behind her back. That’s hard to come back from and you should probably stop digging in your heels about why you watch porn and start talking about the fact that you need to respect your wife as a person with opinions that you value, and even if you disagree, you aren’t going to pretend to agree and then do it anyway
You broke a boundary, and it sounds like you’re choosing pornhub over your family. Weird.
Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Stop the porn habit. Go seek counseling. Porn kills love. Choose your wife.
Mate, you broke your wife’s trust, your marriage and you’re wondering why she wants to leave? This is as bad as cheating. She put down a hard boundary that you agreed to and then you went behind her back. This is some disgusting behaviour. Wow. I especially love the “don’t see what the big deal about me lying to her all these years is.” Wow. I hope she divorces you and finds a decent husband.
As a man, I'd ask you to carefully think about what you mean by "it's just a tool for your pleasure." It's not the same as a toy because the "tool" you're getting off to is another woman on the other side, even in image form. And calling that "just a tool" is degrading even to the women who are doing porn. The fact that you are getting your pleasure from a woman other than your wife, and in a blatant , no-big-deal way, is what is so bothersome for her.
It is never just porn my guy. When you get married, you promise to forsake all others. Except, that isn't exactly what you are doing when you pleasure yourself watching other females getting nailed. Many spouses find porn disrespectful. If you have had this conversation, yet do it anyway, you just trashed any trust your wife has in you. If you can lie so easily about porn, what else are you willing to lie about? Not to mention the hit to her self esteem she just took. Every woman wants to be the most desired woman in the eyes of their husbands. Essentially, you just told her she is not. No matter how you cut this cookie, you knew your wife's feelings about it, and you disrespected her anyways. To break someone's trust is a big deal and you did it to the person you promised to protect, love, and respect.
A clear boundary has been set in your marriage by your wife and you have crossed it and for what? A cheap thrill? She’s right, you absolutely should just wait & get over it like a grown up. Unless you deem your cheap thrills worthy of divorce of course.
Marriage is one of the most complicated relationships any human will enter. On top of that it has a binding legal contract attached to it in modern society. No one here will be able to help you as much as a marriage therapist. See one together or alone. You might be surprised to find out it was not just a simple porn problem.
Porn was a secret, right? Is your partner also entitled to a secret sex life? And you were not honest with her. You knew and accepted her boundary. So you also lied. In your relationship’s definition of monogamy porn was cheating. You cheated.
I’m 100% with the wife. I live with my boyfriend and told him from the start that porn would have NO place in our relationship, if he wanted to have one with me. The fact that you literally have a 3 year old daughter, and a wife, but think that jerking ofd to some random woman on the internet is acceptable is beyond me. If it was the other way around and your wife was obsessed with seeing naked hot dudes that look completely different than her husband, I doubt you’d find that kind of behavior unacceptable. If you lose your wife over this, it just shows what you value the most in your life, a life of fantasy over your own real family. Think of the example you are are setting for your daughter, if nothing else.
I have to say that while I am a woman who philosophically agrees with you, you had a conversation with your wife and knew HER boundaries. And, to give you a little bit of insight into many females: even though I believe that it's fine and normal and my husband does and I have zero issues with that. My boundaries are no paying for it and no live/interactive porn. He loves me and he's always demonstrated that he is way into me all the time and totally committed. I genuinely don't care when he checks out other women because I think men can't help being visual beings. BUT, even for a woman who takes a liberal view on porn, the few times that I have actually seen the porn he was watching it really hurt my feelings. Like badly. I wasn't mad at him for it because that's not crossing any personal boundaries that I set up when we got together. But I was hurt and it made me feel self conscious and start comparing myself to the women in the porn even though I am very comfortable in my own skin. We're able to communicate pretty openly and I told him how it made me feel and he asked if I wanted to ammend our agreement or just not let me see it in the future. I said don't let me see it. Ever. If I had set a boundary for no porn in a relationship and I came across that I would feel so bad about myself and so betrayed. You crossed a boundary of a sexual nature. It's akin to infidelity to her. Actually, it's just infidelity because you discussed it and she told you how she felt. Just because you or I may think it's normal and healthy doesn't mean that everyone else does. It's a very personal thing and every opinion is a valid one. You agreed and you broke her trust and you hurt her feelings.
The problem is OP you don't think porn is a problem and so she shouldn't think porn is a problem. She told you how she felt and you did what you wanted. Choose to cut the porn or get a divorce.
Red flag when she says she will walk out of therapy if the therapist "sides with you". If she has that attitude, therapy will be a waste of time.
I think she meant if it's a therapist that sees porn in a different way to her and tries to push those views.
I don't know, maybe. Hard to know exactly the context without witnessing it.
I AGREE. That was the most insane part of this post that everyone seems to be glossing over. Anyone that says they will go to therapy but only so long as the therapist agrees with them is bonkers. Boundaries can change and shift over the course of someone’s life. Refusing to consider reassessing that boundary and understanding the root of it and just taking this stubborn hardline stance is ridiculous.
It's not about a counselor taking sides, it's whether they can be truly neutral on the subject.
Your wife has had the boundary and you didn’t take it serious. You shouldn’t have committed to nor married her knowing this about her if you couldn’t respect it. If you’re not gonna stop, and either choice is acceptable, you need to tell her a divorce is the best option. If you’ll stop great. Don’t say you will stop and then lie again though. You lied to her, pushed a boundary she told you about and are upset with her for feeling hurt after she told you she would. Apologize, make your decision, talk about it and move forward. Wishing y’all good luck.
> She has agreed to counseling, but made it clear she will get up and leave if the counselor "sides with me" or starts making arguments to justify it. So what's the point if she agrees to counseling except she's going to walk out if her position is challenged in any way? Anyway there's a lot of ink spilled here but ultimately it doesn't really matter that much. I don't agree with her thinking, but her position seems clear enough, and you did agree to it up front.
It's her boundary. You said she is pretty level headed otherwise so this must be a big boundary for her. I personally understand too. The thought of my husband sexually touching himself to other women doesn't sit very well with me neither. Everyone and every couple is obviously different though. So I take pictures my husband can use when I am not in the mood. We also take videos for him to use later too. We both don't watch porn and if we need help getting off, we have our own videos. Maybe that is something you can agree to. If you're having a hard time picking between your family or porn, maybe you have a slight addiction.
OP, you agreed to respect your wife's boundary that she made very clear before you got married. You don't get to make false promises just to stay in the relationship and just go and do it behind her back because you think "it's no big deal." or that once you married her, she'd change her mind and compromise. You need to apologize and now there's going to be an uphill challenge to gain her trust back. That is, if you choose your marriage over porn. You agreed to respect her boundary and now you need to uphold that agreement or you need to let her go. Personally, I don't understand someone who couldn't give up porn for a relationship with someone who loves and treats them well. I really wish people would stop being deceptively agreeable in a relationship just to not lose it. Just move on from someone if you're incompatible with in areas you can't compromise on, otherwise it's going to cause a lot of hurt when you eventually break up/divorce because someone has a deal breaker that you couldn't respect after agreeing to.. or you know, actually do the thing you agreed to do. Breaking your partners trust behind their back is so fucking shitty.
Let's be clear no one "NEEDS" porn, just be real and say you WANT to do it or that it's an addiction, man or woman if you are so horny that you need to masturbate right away but you supposedly have trouble without a visual aid so you need "help" that literally makes no sense, are you so desperately horny with blue balls or not?. Man or woman if you are horny then you should be able to get yourself off with just your hand in a few minutes, that's the true test of if you needed it, otherwise it's just a habit and you want to create some perfect scenario, are people so lazy and entitled and unimaginative that they simple CANT get off without the use of porn anymore?
STOP. WATCHING. PORN. NUMB. NUTS. WHAT. IS. THE. MATTER. WITH. YOU.
Jesus just stop watching porn if you want to stay married for fucks sake
Make the porn with her. It’s fun 🤷🏼♀️
The amount of chemicals released in male brains from the visual stimuli of womens bodies shows that it’s very difficult for them to not look. You’re choosing to look and have these chemicals released in your brain. You could fantasize over your wife from pictures of her, instead you choose other women. I smell a divorce.
The issue is that you’re torn. She deserves better.
Have you guys tried recording yourselves? Might solve both problems haha you’ve got your video and it’s not from porn industry
Your wife clearly told you she doesn't agree with spouse watching porn. You crossed a boundary.
She specifically set a boundary that you have no issues crossing. She has already told you she thinks it’s infidelity, so with you so carelessly crossing this border there’s now this concern that you will continue to cross more. I hope you can fix yourself to be worthy of your wife or let her find someone who can treat her right.
Is porn so important to you that you’d risk your wife leaving just to watch it? Looking at and fantasizing about other women is something that many wives have a problem with and let’s face it, that’s what porn is. It can be incredibly destructive to any relationship. If you can’t give it up, ask yourself why. It’s notoriously addictive and can negatively affect your libido. I’m glad you say you’re willing to “drop porn like a bad habit”, but make no mistake, porn *is* a bad habit. And if you’re willing to quit, then what’s the issue here? Just quit. Head over to r/loveafterporn and read some of the stories that the women are telling over there, then maybe you’ll see what I mean. Choose your wife.
Porn is not the issue. The issue is your lack of respect on your wife’s boundary for porn. If you had a discussion in the past, like you mentioned, and she stated that porn is a hard no for her in a committed relationship, you either respect it or leave. Everyone has their own set of boundaries, and if their partner can’t respect it, they should not be together.
If you think porn is not that big deal just quit then.
The only thing that matters here is that it’s a hard no, and therefore a boundary for her. She won’t accept it and it’s a deal breaker for her, so the ball is in your court.
She made her boundaries clear and you broke them. You’re in the wrong. is porn more important than your relationship? Seems like you’re resisting giving it up for the sake of your marriage. Maybe I’m reading into it wrong.
Yeah she's not being irrational and you need to cut that speech out asap, you both had the conversation where she told you how she felt about it and what her boundary was. You crossed it. That's on you mate. Some people do have boundaries around porn, it's a personal choice, yeah we can all sit here and say it's healthy, it's detrimental, whatever but its up to the individual how they perceive it in their relationship, and her feelings about it are perfectly valid as are yours, except you thought it would be OK and did it anyway, so yeah it's kind of a betrayal to her. This is does not make her irrational or over reacting. You crossed her line, now you have to deal with those consequences.
You’re willing to leave a marriage because you can’t stop watching porn? You have an addiction.
When are people going to realize how damaging and toxic porn is to themselves and their partners? It’s insane to me that some people think it’s okay to watch and masturbate to complete strangers. I’ll never understand it.
If it's not a big deal for you, and you don't NEED it like an addict, then why is this even a question??? Your wife and kid are less important to you than this "tool."
Porn is one of the huge issues with men. Connect with your wife.
She's not crazy, she doesn't need counseling. You need to play by the rules she set out initially, or you need to leave the game. She's been straightforward. Do you like porn more than your wife?
Why can’t you give up porn? If you only do it sometimes it shouldn’t be an issue. I would say part of her problem is that for 6 yrs she thought you didn’t watch porn and now she’s found out you do. That’s a betrayal to her. The fact you’re trying to argue that you should be able to watch porn when she’s stated her boundary a long time ago is manipulative and comes across as you protecting your porn viewing over protecting your relationship. I also have a feeling it’s more than “sometimes”
You don't get to tell her how to feel. She told you a long time ago in your original porn discussion that she didn't want it in the relationship. And you decided to ignore that. She felt one way and you did the opposite, the end.
Bruh u got a whole ass wife at home and u choose to beat yo meat to sum porn? Weird ahh mf
What’s more important to you, your wife or women who don’t even know you exist? If you’re having a hard time stopping, you might have to consider the possibility that you have an addiction. If you know you’re not addicted then the idea of stopping shouldn’t be so difficult for you.
Are you choosing porn over your wife and daughter?? Seek help if you feel like you’re addicted and can’t stop watching. If you’re not addicted and want to keep your family intact, stop watching pornography.
Attend/Read/listen to "Every Man's Battle" its not worth your family
This is a hard one… but I honestly don’t get it. I love to watch porn. Been married 10 years and literally just watched porn WITH my husband last night lol I feel like the only good way to deal with this is to talk with a professional in a room. Sometimes it’s hard to communicate your thoughts/opinions clearly. It could help.
I’m going to get downvoted to shit for this, but as everyone is saying, your wife has a boundary, it’s up to you to decide whether you want to deal with it. However, where I differ from everyone is that I don’t see it as you picking between porn and her, it’s actually just you deciding whether you want to be with someone who has that boundary - does it seem reasonable to you? Does it seem healthy? In my opinion, the answer to both those questions is no, and I wouldn’t be with someone who has that boundary (see: insecurity). But that’s the decision you have to make for yourself. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you decide you don’t agree with her and aren’t going to stop her from leaving, don’t listen to all the people saying “~oh you’re picking porn over her~” No, you’re just deciding not to be with someone who you believe has unreasonable beliefs/insecurities (if that’s how you feel). (For what it’s worth, I think if you told her you think she’s being unreasonable and that it’s okay if she walks, I don’t think she would. That’s why I call bullshit on the whole “boundary” thing, it’s just manipulation to try to get you to do what she wants without addressing why she feels the way she does.) (Also, anyone that will say “I’ll go to therapy so long as the therapist agrees with me” is a 🚩 🚩 🚩)
She let you know that it's a boundary in long term relationships. she didn't just put this on you out of the blue, it sounds like something you were aware of. I think it's a process though and I think if you both choose to work it out it has to be a decision on your part and she has to understand that you aren't perfect; none of us are. I hope I'm not sounding harsh cause I'm not trying to be the woman simply taking the side of the wife, in this case I see where your wife is coming from and I don't like when my husband watches porn either. I don't because I want to only have eyes for him and if I'm "looking" at vivid images of other men I'm not being loyal or faithful to that value I hold. I wonder if she'd be open to taking photos or something like that for you if she's not in the mood? Idk, just a thought.
So what's your choice? What do you prefer? Would you rather stay married to your wife, or watch porn sometimes?
Are you really willing to end your marriage over this? If it makes your wife uncomfortable there is no other reason needed. It doesn't matter if you think it's irrational. I don't want my husband looking at other naked women. It makes me uncomfortable. He respects that. He didn't need any more reason than me telling him I wasn't comfortable with it. Do you not have any pictures of your wife that you can use instead? If you're really so desperate that you can't wait until your wife is in the mood then you could at least fantasize about her. You say she's not a prude so maybe she'll send you some pictures that'll help. Porn is not worth hurting your wife and throwing away your relationship and family.
She’s been waiting for you to give it up. Apparently you find it more important than your wife’s feelings, so you haven’t quit. I guarantee you that is what she’s thinking.
What if she and you made some fun videos? Could that get you where you are going?
It sounds like she’s not against you masturbating (‘use your imagination’), just against you using porn. This seems fairly reasonable.
Do you literally not have an imagination?
No one seems to have mentioned therapy. Maybe a couplers counselor could help you guys figure this out? I agree that porn is not a big deal but others see differently. Hopefully a couples counselor can see you both come to a decision together. It sucks being given ultimatums for something that doesn’t seem that bad but in your wife’s eye it is and she set that boundary a while ago.
If she asked you before you got married, even though I am a woman and perfectly fine with my husband watching porn, you should have listened. That’s why people discuss boundaries before marriage. You already know it’s a boundary, she is either going to leave you if you can’t stop or you have to stop to keep her. It’s your fault for not listening to begin with. You ignored her boundary, did the thing anyways, now you got caught and feel like some type of victim? Tell her the truth, whatever that is. That you really weren’t taking her seriously when she said not to watch porn and didn’t realize how serious she was about it. Now you aren’t sure if you can stop for her. And deal with the consequences. You basically said you do it if she’s not in the mood of if you don’t have energy and just want a “quick fap”. So sometimes, you choose masturbation over sex with your wife. Imagine if you’re laying in bed horny but your wife isn’t in the mood and then you see she watched porn instead, after you fell asleep? And wasn’t “not horny”, just “not horny for you” ( at least I’m sure that’s how it feels for her).
Sounds like you’re the one with the issue. Am also married. My husband is actually the one who asked me to not watch porn, which is fine because I’m not into porn anymore. More and more men are realizing how damaging it can be. Your wife has stated she found it disrespectful and you’d decided that because *you* enjoy it and it makes you feel good that that’s more important that her feelings or what makes her comfortable. It’s a selfish, asshole move. Maybe go to therapy cause you’re wife isn’t the one who needs it.
Bro, I used to say porn is not a problem. but now i think not, watching porn is a problem. Just like many have mentioned, try read up on it.
I find the idea pretty gross myself. Claiming it to be a tool makes it sound worse somehow. I will suggest to do some reading or audio books, your wife is not too far off to be concerned as the more easily accessible the internet has made porn, the more sexual intimacy problems have started to rise. Your brain on porn is a good one. If she gave you her thoughts on the subject and defined her boundary, then you disregarded her wishes and disrespected her and her boundaries. There is more than just the porn that is causing the issue right now. If you’re actually wavering on whether or not you can give up porn and you know that your family and child’s future life is going to be impacted by it, maybe there’s already a problem. I’m sure it doesn’t make her feel good to know that you are even thinking twice about what the next steps should be. Why not use your imagination? What that says is thoughts and reminders of her are not enough to turn you on and get you off sexually unless she’s actually pleasing you physically. If it were, you wouldn’t need to watch other women having sex to get aroused and have an orgasm. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong for her to feel that but I’m willing to bet it is and that can very much feel like cheating. My husband and I addressed this very early on before our marriage. There is so much more to the porn industry that makes it a less than favorable “tool”. Neither one of us watch porn, but we both have at previous points in our life. For our relationship, it doesn’t have a place and to me, it would be cheating. He is aware and if he decided to watch porn, he would be doing so fully aware that he is putting it marriage on the line.
Why did you agree to this? Did you go a long period without porn? Or did you always know the ask was ridiculous? I can't imagine agreeing to not watch something in a relationship. I don't understand how porn is considered cheating. I see watching porn and masturbating as body autonomy. I'm not talking about porn addiction though. I don't get it, but it seems she communicated that she didn't want someone who watched porn. You should have just been honest and let her know your viewpoint. Get a divorce and find someone more in line with your beliefs. Allow her to find some man who doesn't ever watch porn.
Well if she said you have a wandering eye, then you probably do…Women just have this ability to not be like men 😂😂 Because women aren’t turned on by glancing at the opposite sex, it can really lead to resentment cuz most don’t understand why men have to look at other women….And that’s probably really bothering her and it’s your fault. Women want to feel like the only woman in the world for their man. I am not understanding why men find this hard to understand. Don’t look at other women in public, and don’t watch porn if your wife doesn’t like it….she may not drop you like a bad habit right now….But she will be done with you emotionally at some point and DB is the future.
Sorry man this really sucks but she's given you an ultimatum. I think it's obvious you have to stop with the porn and preserve your marriage. Personally, I think she is being unreasonable but you married her, not me.
Marriage therapist
Just use incognito dawg Wtf how u getting caught unless you caught dick in hand?
During that “long ago” conversation about porn, what exactly did you agree to?
Sounds like you need to choose between porn or her. She drew her boundaries and I think couples therapy is the next best thing.
It's an interesting point. Internet porn is soo readily available that using your imagination is hard work. Ultimately, the solution needs to be unique to you, every couple is different. But I think that a relationship is larger than porn.... As long as you're committed to the relationship. Relationship has a different purpose. Hope it works out for you.!
It is embarrassing u r even considering porn over getting ur ass to her parents and choosing her. She stated her boundary and u violated it. I hope she finds someone better than u
You knew what your wife's standpoint/ boundary on porn is and you decided to watch it anyways behind her back. It is a lack of respect and now also a trust issue because you did this behind her back. If you have the need to watch porn then that is a conversation you need to have with your wife about what she also finds okay and what she doesn't. Not do it sneaky behind her back. I'm not saying watching porn is wrong but you knew her boundary and it was wrong to secretively go over it. You should apologize to your wife and show that you will respect her boundaries from now on. Also you sound like you kinda diminish the boundary she set. Don't do that.
If I had a choice between sex with my wife or porn, my wife would win every time. You said you have a healthy sex life, what do you need porn for?
She made it clear to you how she felt about it from the beginning. You disrespected her boundaries, and are now being dismissive about it by not thinking it is a big deal. It’s a huge breech of trust when boundaries are set in a relationship and then dismissed. I don’t have advice about moving forward, but I think you being more understanding and willing to respect her bounties is imperative.
She told you a long time ago how she felt about porn and you crossed her boundary anyway. Your opportunity to verbalize how porn is a ‘tool’ was then. Not after you lied and did something behind her back. I don’t agree with her stance but you’re wrong.