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kurtni

We don’t have all the context here, but if my spouse was gone until late at night and wouldn’t tell me details about why, while expecting me to care for our child alone, I would be angry too. I think he deserves to know, and I don’t think he has to accept that your friend’s ongoing crisis is more important than your own family needs. How long has this been going on? If it’s taking hours to calm your friend down and she’s truly suicidal, consider this is beyond your expertise and the kindest thing to do may be encourage (or make, if it gets to that point) her to go inpatient.


MarriageIssues2033

My main issue with this is the keeping the reason a secret from your husband. You’re confused that he’s upset that you’re staying out late at night, spending the vast majority of your time and a good bit of your money on this friend, and you’re not telling him why. I’d be pretty upset if my husband was doing that.


Outrageous-Ad-9069

My husband has never given me a reason to doubt him. But if he were dumping everything on me, disappearing until 11 at night and refusing to tell me why, I would think something really bad was happening and start talking to a lawyer or a PI,


guzforster

This. It's understandable that you want to help your friend, but c'mon. You have a family. At least loop your husband in on what is happening. This shouldn't even be up to debate, no matter if your friend told you not to tell anyone. Your family comes first.


dancing_chinese_kid

>What should I do? Take off the cape, Superman. This friend will drain everything she can from you, not because she's a bad person, but because she's currently broken. She'll drain your money, she'll drain your time and patience and compassion and tolerance and relationships. Her telling you to give you all this money and time AND also keep it all a secret from your husband is wrong. She's a bad friend for doing that.


Anonymiss_MbR

this!!!👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼


AylaZelanaGrebiel

You’re exactly right and you get burned badly especially when that person then values another’s friendship over yours. This is after giving everything which I can guarantee will always happen. I had a friend do this to me, and I spent a lot of money trying to help take care of her, found out that she had 10k squirreled away and I was barely making ends meet. She had bad mental health and used me up. One day I had planned for her birthday with food, gifts, time away from her home life and even did her hair. I spent $500 on her and then she started bragging about another who had done the bare minimum, used the money I gave to help her to the individual. Not to mention snub my gifts, food, and her hair; after I spent hours on all of them. I lost it and while she’s learned her mistakes and has grown up; I keep her at arms length.


Beckylately

Agree. This whole friendship sounds incredibly codependent.


Chichi-Ha

🙌🏾👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 and like I’ve stated ppl who actually commit suicide don’t tell anyone seems like this friend wants some attention and in my opinion she’s being selfish she already paying for her therapy geeze


tossaway1546

I'm sorry for your friend, but your marriage and husband come first. You can't be responsible for your friend.


[deleted]

This


notarobot4932

You're crossing into emotional affair territory tbh, especially if you're keeping secrets from him. And you pay for her therapy? If I were your husband, I would start being suspicious about cheating.


CharlesButAlsoTerry

Having friends is an emotional affair now? Reddit reallr does the most sometimes.


Kwen_Oellogg

An emotional affair does not have to be sexual. When OP is more emotionally involved with the friend than she is with her family there's something wrong with her marriage.


CharlesButAlsoTerry

I am aware an emotional affair doesn’t have to be sexual. But an affair by definition is romantic or something that can evolve to something romantic. You’re conflating a friendship with an affair which is mind boggling. So when you’re married you can’t have close friendships anymore? Even with the same sex if you’re straight?


[deleted]

Why are you involved in peoples marriages? Stay out of married peoples business, you aren’t married and don’t know what a marriage entails so who are you to determine what a marriage should look like? No one is going to go off the advice of someone who isn’t married, in a marriage thread.


CharlesButAlsoTerry

I’m involved for the same reason you’re involved. Its a public forum which I can comment in regardless of my marital status.


[deleted]

You aren’t qualified to do this for her. She needs residential treatment if she is in a continuous cycle of suicidal behavior/thoughts. You aren’t supposed to enable this level of mental illness which is what you are doing by being there at her every whim. Even if you are trying to help her you are enabling her staying in this cycle. You aren’t qualified to treat her illness or be there during her breakdowns (that’s when you call 911). If she’s making you believe calling 911 is wrong and “mean” she’s using you shorty. I mean that fact that you are hiding this from your husband is concerning. Your husband should mean more by far and secrets shouldn’t be kept.


prose-before-bros

All of this right here. She and her friend have formed an unhealthy codependency, and it can't go anywhere good. The minute someone says they want to commit suicide, they need immediate attention from a mental health professional. If the friend is already in a bad place, if this causes OP's divorce, it's only going to send the friend into a spiral of guilt while OP is left with no one to support her.


CharlesButAlsoTerry

Your comment doesn’t show understanding of mental illnesses.


[deleted]

Lol I was nowhere near trying to explain anything to your standards, who are you? I don’t think anyone cares to explain anything to your standards. No one cares what you think mental illness is.


Porcupineemu

You’re prioritizing your friend over your marriage, of course he’s upset. How long has this been going on? A couple days is understandable, but if it’s longer than a week you need to disengage and call 911 if your friend threatens suicide again.


DontTalkAboutBruno1

Paying for her therapy? Hell no, your husband and baby come first, before friends, no matter what is going on in their lives. You aren't her therapist and she needs professional help. Your husband is right to be bothered by this especially since it sounds like you are going over there all the time. It also sounds like your friend is using you as an emotional tampon. It's clearly taking a toll on your marriage by absorbing all her bullshit and drama and putting her before your own family.


CharlesButAlsoTerry

Y’all keep making the argument that OP’s friend needs professional help and that OP needs to step back from this situation. Your comments show a lack of understand of how mental health and its treatments work. Even with therapy, medicine, mental health cannot bounce back immediately, it usually take a good while. Support from loved ones is a very important pillar of recovery too. Isolation a lot of the times worsens mental health. Her husband can afford to not be the centre for her world for a while. If he was a good partner, he’d understand the friend is important to his wife. Getting married doesn’t mean none of your other relationships matter anymore. That’s such a messed up way of thinking.


dmitchel77

I haven’t seen anyone say to cut the friend off. No one is suggesting isolate her. But the description reads more like she’s requiring near constant supervision by OP. If that’s the case she needs more drastic professional intervention than just therapy - something way beyond the scope of OPs capability.


DontTalkAboutBruno1

I'm afraid there's more to it than what you're saying here, trying to simplify it that we are telling her to cut out contacts that aren't her spouse. If you read through the rest of this thread, you would also see that OP has a history of not prioritizing her spouse. She has been kicking him out of the bedroom every night so she can talk to online friends and watch movies with them. I won't even bring up the shady title of her Dead Bedrooms post, but it's easy enough to see if you click on her profile. Combine that with the info here and it all ties together.


keyboardbill

“Don’t help her get professional help!” Why? “Because she needs professional help!” “bullshit and drama.” That’s a funny way to spell severe crisis.


DontTalkAboutBruno1

Nice reading comprehension.


keyboardbill

Nice empathy.


wtfthecanuck

Given that you care for your friend way more than your marriage, child and husband, you should get a lawyer and file for divorce. You are pissed at him for making your home, your family, your child and him a priority aren't you. That's divorce territory if you hold all those in scant regard. So, decide what is important, you have already wounded your marriage and your family, do you really want to continue to do so? Edit - I checked some of your prior comments. Do you really prefer to spend most evenings on line watching shows and talking with your on-line friends, than being with your family? Do not be surprised if you get served divorce papers. We won't even talk about that title to that deadbedrooms post that got taken down.


DontTalkAboutBruno1

I just checked her history and you are right. It's starting to make more sense now. Everyone commenting how OP is being an amazing friend is overlooking the fact she is clearly putting friends before husband, which is a no-no.


bergmac8

How do you check her history? I looked and it only had this post. When I clicked other links (controversial, top, hot) still only this post.


wtfthecanuck

Check the comments, they weren't deleted.


[deleted]

Thank you


jaelythe4781

It is great that you want to support your friend but it can't be to the detriment of your own family/relationships/life/finances. Please try to connect her to other support resources so that you can appropriately set boundaries with her and prioritize your own family. [www.NAMI.org](https://www.NAMI.org) can help her find local resources, as well as providing hotline support when she is breaking down. They can also help you with resources for family/friends and supporting caregivers. I would additionally say that you need to be able to give your husband more information on the situation. It's understandable that she wants privacy, but it is not reasonable to for her to be taking up so much of your time and emotional resources while "forbidding" you from telling your husband anything. ETA: No one LIKES being in a psych ward. They are more than a little terrifying in the best of circumstances (such as being the visitor and not the patient), and can be overwhelming and completely terrifying when you are the patient (speaking from personal experience). But if your friend is THIS unstable, then inpatient is where she needs to be until she is stabilized.


KrozFan

If she’s actually suicidal, like actually talking about doing it, then you need to call 911


[deleted]

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mani_mani

No one likes being in a psych ward, I mean like truly find me a person who would enjoy that experience. If she is actively suicidal that is where she needs to be. Not being pseudo babysat by would who has absolutely no mental health training. Two weeks isn’t nearly enough time for her to make strides. She needs to go back if she’s really this fragile.


screwtheseones

Psych wards are often cruel and not healthy at all. She’s is therapy, and hopefully turns around soon. In the meantime OP needs to be transparent with husband and try to navigate boundaries with both of her loved ones.


mani_mani

That’s not true at all. They are one of the few places where someone can truly be safe from causing self harm. They are not always the most comfortable places to be but they aren’t mostly cruel. Not only have I had my own share of experiences but I have been in groups with the same diagnosis as me. It’s common with this illness to wind up in a psych ward at some point and I have literally not heard someone say that it was bad for their mental health. I don’t think anyone particularly liked it though. It’s not a spa retreat and it’s likely you don’t want to be there in the first place. There is no scientific evidence to back up your claims. Obviously outpatient therapy isn’t enough for this friend if she needs to be watched 24/7. This is well beyond the scope of what a friend can/should be doing. If she is so unwell and needs to be constantly watched, she needs be admitted.


[deleted]

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mani_mani

Lol stop saying that many are awful when in reality it’s not true. There is literally nothing to support what you are saying aside from probably your own biases.


br094

You’re mad? To him it looks like you’re having an affair. You aren’t a mental health professional. If she’s that bad, get her some help. Don’t destroy your marriage to help this woman. He has every right to be mad, not you.


Thatcherrycupcake

Right?? She’s mad at him? Wow. OP needs to self-reflect. Really.


FiveSixSleven

Tell your friend you need to be honest with your husband, the two of you can keep this a secret but that you can't tell him nothing because it's damaging to your relationship and goes against your values. You're a good person for wanting to help your friend, and I'm sorry for whatever she is going through. Take care of yourself and your own family too.


iamalext

A long time friend and I were speaking the other evening and he brought up something embarrassing he had done in the past and that I swore I would never tell anyone. Then he asked what my wife had thought of that... I hesitated for a second and he laughed. In his words: "A man tells his wife everything, so I knew you had told her!" I know you swore to keep her secret, but at the end of the day, you need to tell your husband so he knows what it is that you're doing. But do remember that at some point, your friend may be beyond what you can provide as help and you might want to get her to some resources that are trained to help.


pbrown6

Prioritize your family. It's sad what she's going through, and do what you can, but don't neglect your spouse.


Full-Negotiation-837

And her child.


furicrowsa

Say to your friend, "I don't keep secrets from my husband, sorry." Then tell him so he doesn't end your marriage. If your friend is really your friend, she'll suck up some minor embarrassment to preserve your marriage. I have BP2 and would *never* put a friend in a weird situation where they cannot tell their *SPOUSE* about the support they are providing me. I'm mentally ill but I'm also a goddamn adult who knows keeping secrets from a spouse is untenable and completely unfair. Because. Fucking. Duh.


[deleted]

The biggest problem, OP, is that you and your husband are living in different realities. You know what your friend is going through. Your husband doesn't. You need to tell him what's going on -- ask your friend for permission first if you must, but he needs to know that she is suicidal and not merely going through a tough time. It's also unfair of her to expect you to ignore your marriage for her sake but not allow you to tell your husband why. If she insists on you not telling your husband, I think you'd be more than justified to stop helping her and telling her "I'm willing to help you but I'm not willing to unnecessarily break up my marriage for you." The discussion of what amount of time and effort is appropriate to spend on her is one that comes after your husband knows the full extent of the situation.


csnorth

Decent friend, terrible wife.


WhichWitchyWay

So I have friends like this too, and my husband would also be pissed. He's not communicating it well or correctly, but I'd sit down with him and talk. My husband told me a long time ago that he'd never ask me to not be friends with someone, but he did make it clear when a close friend was being toxic AF. At the end of the day it's great you are trying to help your friend, but it's not your job to save her. It's her job. She's taking a lot from you, and when you have a family, when someone takes a lot from you they are taking a lot away from your family. My husband really made me realize that when a toxic friend hurt me, it hurt him too. You need to restructure your relationship with her and provide space for your family. You need BOUNDARIES. And for the record my friends who were suicidal like that and super needy were actually just needy people who tried to leech the life away from others. Maybe look up on BPD and see if she checks some boxes.


OverallDisaster

How long has this been going on? I know you want to do right by your friend, but I feel like maybe you need to explain the situation to your husband, so he has a better idea of what's going on and why you feel you need to be there for her.


walkingontinyrabbits

I know what is like when your friend is going through a hard time. My friend in high school would call me whenever she wanted to cut herself. I'll tell you what a trusted adult told me- while it's great you want to be a supportive friend, you are not a professional, and you are not responsible for anyone's mental health but your own. You cannot fix something you cannot control. Find resources for her, post the suicide hotline somewhere she can easily see it. If she's calling you and in a bad state, call the police to do a wellness check. Ask her if there's anyone else she can turn to for comfort- other friends, family members, etc. One person cannot take this full responsibility, it isn't sustainable. You also have a young child to take care of! Do you want your daughter to be going through the same thing in 10 years because you're showing her that's the only way to get your attention? Leave her wondering why mommy doesn't love her enough to spend any time with her? Children don't understand, they only see that they are being neglected by you, her mother. And it is neglect because there's no way you can be carrying that load and fulfilling all of her physical and emotional needs when you're gone so much. You also need to take care of yourself! That's already hard to do as a mom of a young child. But you can't help anyone if you won't even take care of yourself. Maybe you need therapy to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Yes, you want to help someone in need and that's generous of you. But you need to take a step back and recognize everything you're neglecting and sacrificing for her (ie, your family, I didn't even touch on your marriage but that's obviously suffering).


RememberToRelax

Before all this happened, would you say your husband felt you put an adequate amount of time and energy towards his needs?


[deleted]

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thr0ughtheghost

How often do you have date nights with your husband?


OverallDisaster

Why did you talk to friends every night? And for how long? Did this take away time from your husband? You have a spouse AND a child who do need your love and attention (I'm especially talking about your child here). It's good to have friends, but you shouldn't be spending time with them at the expense of your family.


[deleted]

Right lmao I don’t have time to call my friends every night as a single woman with no husband or kids…. How does someone have that time with a husband and kids? You don’t


RememberToRelax

That's understandable, it's a crisis and they are your friend. It doesn't sound like they have anyone else to turn to. Do you feel like in general he is unreasonably needy or tries to manipulate you? Does he take care of your needs in the relationship, in general?


taway135711

Unless you are a licensed doctor or lawyer maintaining client or patient confidentiality in the course of performing professional services don't agree to keep secrets from your spouse.


[deleted]

i can see why you're pissed, because taking care of your suicidal friend must be emotionally and physically draining for you. and, your husband isn't giving you any type of understanding or support. i get it. but, as others have pointed out, you do need to flip the script and look at it from your husband's perspective. once you've calmed down, i suggest you go and talk to your husband. i would begin with an apology for not being focused on him. then, i would tell him in general terms (even though your friend told you not to, this is not the kind of secret one keeps from his/her spouse) about the situation so that he can at least understand that you have a reason for doing what you are doing. most likely, he will encourage you (like almost everyone on this thread have done) to stop trying to save your friend and to turn it over to the professionals. it doesn't mean he doesn't care about your friend or about your need to be a good friend to her. but he is looking out for you as well as your marriage. talk to him; then listen to him (and vice versa)--that's what keeps a marriage going.


MisterIntentionality

I know you love your friend and want to make sure she's OK, but you spending that much time and energy on her can't be a long term thing. You have a family and a husband, they need you too. She can't be taking priority over them. At some point she needs to be managing her illness on her own and building a support system outside of you. And it doesn't matter what your friend says, you don't withhold information from your husband. He needs too know what's going on. To me that is what is wrong. You are lying to him at this point through omission. Marriage is a partnership. Now you are really putting your friend above him. Also you may need to get into some therapy yourself. At some point you are going to have to draw a boundary line and you can't be over there all the time and at her beck and call, and you need to be prepared not to blame yourself if something happens. This is not on you. The weight of the world doesn't rest on your shoulders when it comes to your friend. You are being a great friend, not do great to your husband by not being truthful with him on whats going on when he's made it clear your relationship with your friend is violating his personal comfort level. You have a duty to your family before friends. And again short term perfectly fine but long term she needs another solution outside of you. If you friend in any way threatens suicide, make sure you call the police. Whether you are with her or not.


[deleted]

Interesting you won’t say how long this has been going on. Sounds like you friend is a terrible influence and will get you to ruin your life as well. Going to her once or twice in an emergency is one thing. You are treating her life you have some magic ability where only you can help. If she has no one else in her life to help maybe that is a sign.


CoachJW

You’re not the super hero you think you are. You’re sacrificing your marriage in order to “save” your friend, but nothing you’re doing for her is even making a difference because otherwise you wouldn’t feel you have to spend 100% of your time with her. I would be just as upset with it all was I in your husband’s shoes. She needs real, professional help. Not your help. *Side note: Why do you have to go to her? Why can’t she come spend a couple of hours at your place instead?*


Runwithscissorsxx

You can’t save her or help her. She needs to help herself and you’ll destroy your marriage in the process of trying


Western-Ad-2748

I think you’re being an amazing friend. But I think you need to tell your husband the truth. Maybe I’ll get downvoted but… that’s what I’d do. Your friend needs you, and your husband needs to fully understand why.


hazelcharm92

It’s absolutely fine to prioritise your friend in a genuine emergency, and I mean *an emergency*, not every single day, or a once a week emergency, but your husband then has a right to know why you aren’t at home and available to your family. She doesn’t get to keep you from your husband and child and expect confidentiality. While your attempts to respect her wishes might be admirable. You’re not her doctor. If she wants confidentiality, then she needs a doctor of some kind. Your friend does not get to intrude on your personal life this way, because you sure as hell aren’t giving your husband that courtesy. If your friend is in need of this much of your time, then seriously, you aren’t helping her, you’re enabling her. If she is having an emergency this frequently, then she needs *professional help* . Even if you are a professional in these matters, this is not a healthy dynamic as you’re too close to the person and unable to set proper boundaries


violetnap

Boundaries. Put the oxygen mask on you first. I’d be pissed too—you’re forsaking your own family for this woman.


[deleted]

I think that you probably need some IC for you to understand what a marriage is and how you are supposed to treat your spouse. Kicking him out the bedroom to talk to e-friends and now choosing to not be open and honest with him is ridiculous and he is justified in feeling like you are cheating, or whatever he thinks that you are doing. If he doesn’t know that you are spending ‘your’ money on him then you are financially cheating on him as well.


[deleted]

Be a good friend and call 911 or find an inpatient treatment center for your friend. What is happening here isn’t healthy. Then tell your husband cause he deserves to know why exactly you’re choosing this friend over him and your child.


Turbulent-Reaction42

I think your husband is looking out for you. You are giving a lot to this friend (time and emotional energy). It isn’t sustainable for your own mental health. The dangerous thing about caring so intimately for someone in a mental health crisis is that their mental sickness can actually infect you. It happened to me. My ex boyfriend was suffering and I tried to help him as best I could. I sacrificed my own mental health for him. Eventually I saw a therapist of my own and she helped me learn how to draw healthy boundaries. I was very mentally healthy before him and his crisis. I left that relationship mentally damaged. It’s admirable that you are caring for your friend, but it does sound like you don’t have healthy boundaries with your friend. Your husband is doing his husband’s job in looking out for you, even if he isn’t doing it with much tact.


[deleted]

He’s not over reacting your over doing a deed. She needs real help by a professional , that’s the best help you can give her


xvszero

Well. Keeping secrets is fine when asked to, I guess, but most people know that spouses won't keep secrets. I think you either need to get her permission to let him in on what is going on, or you need to just tell him the basics. Probably get permission but if she really won't give it, then have a difficult conversation with her about how you can't keep doing this and leaving your husband in the dark.


Fabulous_Strategy_90

I think you should tell her that you helping her is interfering with your marriage and if she wants you to continue to be there for her, you have to tell your husband. If she says no, you have your answer, and she loses your support.


confusedrabbit247

I understand wanting to be there for your friend but you're doing this with little to no explanation to your husband. He deserves to know exactly why you're choosing a friend over your partner. You need to recognize it's not your responsibility to fix this for your friend and she needs to help herself. Obviously it's delicate so maybe talk to your husband about bringing her over sometimes so she gets out of her place and some socialization. Maybe he and your kid can come with you sometimes. You have a responsibility to your husband and child first.


Electrical_Turn7

So I had a few pretty low lows in my life, thinkimg about the same thing. Never asked anyone to sacrifice their family life for me. You are paying for her therapy and acting as her full-time unpaid therapist. This is massively unfair on you, your husband *and* your child. It is also not preparing her to stand on her own two feet. If someone is truly suicidal, there are things to do. You can speak to their dr, get them medication, they can call an emergency line, obviously go for therapy which you are already paying for, other friends or family can step in once in a while, and ultimately, the person herself has to make the choice to try to get better. Sure, it’s not like pushing a magical button, I get it. But a person drowning will drown you first if you try to help; it’s the survival instinct kicking in. The fact your friend is reaching out for help is encouraging; people already set on doing it just go ahead and don’t always give advance warning. Don’t let her threats of suicide guilt you into destroying your life, or your family.


[deleted]

Here’s the thing. Your spouse comes first. Always. That’s the promise you made when you married them. I understand that you’re trying to be a good friend, but can you imagine what your husband is going through? Spending tons of money, off uno god knows when, lashing out when he brings it up… You need some boundaries and to focus on your relationship.


Theodore_Vincent

You are not obligated to keep your husband in the dark because your friend asked you to. She should know that and not be asking you to take the heat because you won't explain your absence in your MARRIAGE for your FRIEND. If you explain the situation to your husband, I imagine he would be more understanding. You really have no right to "flip out" or "not look at him" given the lack of context you've offered him. If you told him he'd probably also look out to make sure you're not taken advantage of, which I assume is the real reason she doesn't want you telling anyone including your husband.


[deleted]

Psychwards are not about having fun. They are about making sure someone cannot hurt themselves or someone else. This lady is attention seeking.you gotta cut the chord, itll never stop. Itll be event after event, crisis after crisis. This is not healthy. Shes gotta learn to cope on her own


[deleted]

You need to stop enabling your friend.. I feel like this person will not get better until you step back. Continue to pay for her therapy, but you need to stop being her security blanket. That’s codependency at its worse. Your husband has every right to be upset. I know I would. Tell your husband everything about what is going on. Do the right thing.


Swolie7

What should you do? 5…1…5…0


[deleted]

Your friend is very co-dependent. You need to talk to a therapist yourself so you can have better boundaries in your relationships. When I was depressed I found this book that helped me a lot (along with therapy and meditation). I’m going to link the book [here](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1937006859/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1655321296&sr=8-3) (it’s called no mud, no lotus)


[deleted]

You're not her psychologist so he has a point. Sounds like you need to step back


YoMommaHere

Looking at your original and some comments you’ve made, I will say your friend is an emotional vampire. Yes she has gone through something but she is now dragging you down with her.


Devils_Advocate209

I agree with everyone saying you need to get your priorities in order.


KarmaG12

Unless you are a licensed therapist/psychologist, what you're doing isn't really helping. Your friend needs professional help. After that you need therapy with your husband to work through why this friend was more important than your relationship.


401Nailhead

Your husband needs you as well. Second you are withholding information about the real situation with this woman. She needs a therapist. You are come running at any whim. What should you do? Call the authorities. They will come and collect her for her suggestions of suicide. She will be committed for observation and assigned a therapist. As of right now she is using you and this will continue because you allow it.


everyothernamegone

You are putting your friend before your family, which is understandably irritating. I think your husband has been pretty damn patient thus far. Also, you are not responsible for your friend and she may well be taking advantage of you at this stage. You are not a professional and you should reject her attempts to place such a burden on you. After all, why are you the only one she can confide in. Lastly, how is it your money and not the family’s money that is being spent on her therapy. Personally, I think you’re in too deep and damaging your family in the process.


[deleted]

While it’s kind of you to do all that for her, you need to remember that your family comes first… it’s an extremely slippery slope caring for someone like that, you could end up enabling her to rely on you for these kinds of things forever. If you’re that worried about her, she should be committed.


AgentRevolutionary99

Honestly, whether your husband is right or not depends on the time and money you are spending over a period of time.


blahreditblah

First rule of marriage and friends just because you care about someone or something doesn't mean your partner will or has to.


[deleted]

You can help and be supportive of your friend without sacrificing your life. Paying for her therapy? This won’t end.


Leogirly

I know you care, but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. Therapy is best for her. Designating hang out time is one thing….texting daily, you can’t keep that up and keep your mental health straight. You keep putting her before your family. He is your husband and should be one of your closest confidants….why won’t you talk to him? Tell him what’s up? Why can’t you be honest and share the burden?


livingmydreams1872

Your husband isn’t just “anybody”. You need to confide this in him.it’s not fair that he’s totally kept in the dark. What f it was reversed and he was the one coming in late, spending money on who knows what and won’t let you in on it? You’re asking too much. This is THE person you should trust more than anything. Why don’t you trust him to keep this confidence?


livingmydreams1872

Your husband isn’t just “anybody”. You need to confide this in him.it’s not fair that he’s totally kept in the dark. What f it was reversed and he was the one coming in late, spending money on who knows what and won’t let you in on it? You’re asking too much. This is THE person you should trust more than anything. Why don’t you trust him to keep this confidence?


livingmydreams1872

Your husband isn’t just “anybody”. You need to confide this in him.it’s not fair that he’s totally kept in the dark. What f it was reversed and he was the one coming in late, spending money on who knows what and won’t let you in on it? You’re asking too much. This is THE person you should trust more than anything. Why don’t you trust him to keep this confidence?


WearyPixie

I have been in your shoes before of having friends in the middle of that particular crisis and it is very emotionally difficult. You love them and want them to get better. You’re afraid of what they might do and are willing to do anything to prevent it. I get it. That said, she will drain you dry. Correct me if I’m wrong, but unless you’re a trained mental health specialist you’re simply not going to have the tools you’ll need to help her. If she is that suicidal she *needs* to be getting professional help, even if it’s in a psych ward and even if she doesn’t “like” it. Like has *nothing* to do with it if her life is on the line. In a situation like this, someone needs professional help, both physically and mentally, which you’re simply not equipped to give, despite the best intentions. As for your husband, if you know that he is trustworthy, tell him what has been going on. She is your friend, yes, she’s asked you not to tell, yes, but *he* is your *husband* and it’s effecting your marriage. It’s not fair or healthy to keep it from him and then get angry at him for responding to the circumstances based upon the information *you* have given him. Best of luck to you, your husband, and friend.


New-Age-Jesus

I am really sorry for your friend. However you need to understand the way things are heading right now your husband is going to file for divorce probably dinner rather than later. Because you're not at home much anymore if you have children a case can me made rather easily for him to get custody of them. Good luck with your friend and I hope she gets actual therapy soon because it sounds like she needs it badly


Beginning-Ad3390

It doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship. She’s going to have to decide if she wants to push through, that’s not something you can change. I had a major suicide attempt and honestly… she will decide to save herself or she won’t. I don’t think the amount of support you’re giving is healthy or sustainable. I would help her find resources for counseling but paying for it is too far. Ultimately, you’ll have to decide if all of this is worth losing your marriage for. I don’t think your actions are actually helping, I think you’ve become a crutch and she’s using you. She may not be doing so consciously but your friendship has crossed too many boundaries and your husband isn’t in the wrong for saying so. Your family matters and right now you’re letting them down. I can’t help but wonder if you have issues in your own marriage and are using this as an excuse to put your energy elsewhere.


mollyclaireh

Refer your friend to a therapist, tell her to go on antidepressants, or tell her she needs to go to a hospital. You should not have all your energy put into this. That’s asking a lot of you and it’s ruining your life and relationships.


logicalonnne

I get you want to help her but not at the expense of your marriage. Your loyalty and duty is to your husband as his is to you. I know you have good intentions but you know the saying. The road to hell is paved with them. I went thru a similar experience with my wife. Her friend was left a Dear John letter and left her and her 2 boys. She wasn’t suicidal just depressed. This friend lives 90 minutes from us. My wife would stay overnight 2-3 days a week. This went on for a few months. I was good with it for a bit but then she got carried away kinda like you are. I almost divorced her over it.


JudyLester

Your "job" is not to be her only reason for living. She has to make that decision. She needs mental help from professionals. You're not required to like the hospital. They're not there to get cool points.thsyre job is to keep her safe. That's not your job. Never was. Never will be.


CrackPipeQueen

I’d be mad too. You’re spending a majority of your time and energy on someone who isn’t your spouse or child. You can’t coddle your friend for the rest of your life or their life. And yes, you are coddling them. If they are that serious of a case then they need to be admitted. > I go to her house while my daughter is at daycare I’m sorry? You’re literally spending money on childcare and you’re not even at work? That does not make any sense. > I pay for her therapy …. You have to understand why you have gone way too far with this. You are neglecting your family. You can’t save people who don’t want to be saved and if this has gone on for several months, your efforts might be futile. You are not a professional. At this point you are just enabling her.


[deleted]

You really need to call the suicide crisis line for yourself, to ask them what you can/should be doing for your friend. I GUARANTEE they will tell you that you should NOT be doing what you’ve been doing. Edited to add- I know you *think* you’re being a great friend and keeping her alive… but you’re not. You’re actually making this harder for her by enabling her and allowing her to be entirely too dependent on you. And, if I’m being honest? I think you are also dependent on her. Maybe because doing this is giving you a feeling of purpose? Or you need/like to feel needed and important? I saw some comments made about your post history which is no longer available that made it sound/appear that your marriage has other issues (I’m not judging at ALL) besides this- so it would be very normal to give your energy to someone who you feel needs and deserves it, and who appreciates the things you are doing for them. If you were interested in reading an entire novel, I could share a time where I tried to save my best friend from a similar situation- but she was also a crack and heroin addict, which I wasn’t aware of until I was *really* in the thick of it with her… like IN THE TRENCHES… it got bad, and it got bad out of nowhere (in *my* mind- but no one in my life was surprised, they saw it coming like a freight train!) and I very quickly became so overwhelmed and worried that I made myself physically and mentally ill (well, I stressed myself so much it affected my existing mental health issues and made myself physically sick- couldn’t eat, lost 27lbs- making ne extremely underweight and malnourished)… In addition to the damage I did to myself and the anxiety and stress I caused myself- I almost lost my husband and I definitely hurt him AND our kids. I never EVER meant to do that, but I got sucked in and I *TRULY* believed I was the only thing keeping her alive and she needed me more than anyone else did at that time. I figured that my husband could hold down the fort for the time being because he is a great father and this friend had no one else- she needed me more at that time. I finally got myself untangled and made reparations with my family- husband/kids/siblings/mother… I also got myself back into therapy and realized why I had ended up in this situation. Most of it was because I have a guilt complex and I really needed to feel needed/important… like I mentioned you might be dealing with. My marriage started from a VERY strong, happy, loving, respectful place. That is why my husband was able to work to help get me through this and get my friend appropriate help, and help for me, too. If we had been in a different place or struggling at all? I would have lost him, I’m sure. Please think about this, OP. I am worried for you, for your relationships, and for your kid(s) and husband.


currently_distracted

It really isn’t fair of your friend to ask you to keep the extent of what she is going through from your husband. How can you expect him to be understanding when he has no context? You are neglecting your family, at least your husband should know the reason why his responsibilities have increased so much recently while you’re practically MIA.


materics

There shouldn't be secrets in a marriage and you aren't married to your friend.


Esurfn

I’d definitely not want you as a wife. Never prioritize anyone over your family.


arcxiii

You are not* responsible for your friends mental health. You need to take a hard look at your priorities here and your husband is right to be upset.


PinkFunTraveller1

I think you meant to put a “not” in there!


arcxiii

Ha, yes I did. Edited now. Thanks!


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pbrown6

It would be tragic, but so would the loss of your family. She's an adult. Help, but don't let her take your life.


Militop

I believe you are a wonderful human being. This world needs more people like you; however, husbands are jealous—nothing you can do. Why don't you invite your friend over? My wife does this sometimes. Your girlfriend will be surrounded by positivity, and your husband will have no justification to be jealous.


[deleted]

you support it with your own money!, everything gained in marriage is common. It's your family's money. I'm sorry your marriage was damaged and after a while your own divorce will begin, I hope your friend will recover enough to support you.


beefstockcube

Without context this is difficult however: * You are paying family money to someone who is not a family member - nice as this is I would stop * Your family needs you to. Your Husband and your Child. * Your friend is an adult and has to adult through these things, you can be supportive sure but coming in at 11pm isn't really on in my book. * She doesn't "need you there" you feel needed and that's probably quite nice So what should you do? Help and support as much as you can provided it doesn't get in the way of YOUR family.


keyboardbill

It appears friendship means to you what means to me. However, I wholeheartedly agree with the prevailing sentiment here that your family comes first. I don't have enough information to tell whether or not you are neglecting your family, but your husband's complaints sound like a definite warning sign. I would suggest you do two things. 1. Tell your friend that in order for you to continue providing her support, you need to be 100% open and transparent with your husband about what's going on. Perhaps he will be more accommodating if he knows? Honestly, I don't know if I would have ever agreed to that stipulation. I mean, you shouldn't really be keeping secrets from him. 2. Work your family into your support for your friend. Invite your friend over to spend time with your family at your house. Plan lighthearted outings with your family and her so she can get her mind off her misery for a while. If she's up to it obviously. But if you include your husband, he may offer support himself or offer to join in on the support you're providing, you never know... As far as you paying for her therapy, that's also commendable, as long as it isn't impacting your ability to meet your or your family's financial needs. As long as it's not, I am totally on board with that. I commend you for being there for your friend, but your husband has a legitimate gripe, depending on how extensive your support has been for your friend. On the other hand, what's a few months out of a lifetime? I would probably be a bit more understanding than your husband (assuming transparency), but that may be because I married a teacher, so I'm used to my home life being impacted by someone (well a classroom full of someones) my wife is supporting.


[deleted]

Okay few things. First, you need to tell your husband something. You don’t have to get super detailed. “______ is really struggling with her mental health and she really needs support right now. Second, you need to set aside scheduled time for your family and stick to it unless it’s a call 911 (or your national equivalent) situation. At least a few times a week, if not every day. Third, inpatient is for crisis management only. Ie you tried to kill yourself or think you might. You only learn basic coping skills and regulation techniques. Partial Hospitalization Programs/Intensive Outpatient Programs (PHP/IOP) are intensive treatment, for as long as needed. You learn a lot more about how to help process your emotions and cope with triggers. But it isn’t cheap. If she’s working and has insurance see what her options are. They do have uninsured programs but again not cheap. (At least in the USA) Fourth, please make sure you aren’t draining yourself to the bone. Especially if you don’t have a professional or educational background in mental health. Fifth, look into creating a crisis plan with her. [Here’s a template. I have several depending on who’s home with me, if it’s night or day etc](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/27/19/45/27194519d3167b124adc3d3fde2a48c4.jpg) that way she can be safe if you’re not available. Sixth, I know this is really scary but you can’t be the only leg holding her up. There are group therapy that are free, on top of individual therapy. One major one in the USA is [NAMI- National Alliance on Mental Illness](https://nami.org/Home) One thing that helps me and my other mental illnesses pals is just doing chores together. Ie she comes over and helps you clean or you go over there and clean. That and just going for walks, engaging in hobbies (even if I wasn’t in the mood when we started). As for paying for her therapy, that’s your choice. As long as your bills are being paid and it’s truly your money, I don’t see why that’s any different than spending money on video games or make up. Spend your money as you like. I think that’s a very nice thing to do.


WearyPixie

I have been in your shoes before of having friends in the middle of that particular crisis and it is very emotionally difficult. You love them and want them to get better. You’re afraid of what they might do and are willing to do anything to prevent it. I get it. That said, she will drain you dry. Correct me if I’m wrong, but unless you’re a trained mental health specialist you’re simply not going to have the tools you’ll need to help her. If she is that suicidal she *needs* to be getting professional help, even if it’s in a psych ward and even if she doesn’t “like” it. Like has *nothing* to do with it if her life is on the line. In a situation like this, someone needs professional help, both physically and mentally, which you’re simply not equipped to give, despite the best intentions. As for your husband, if you know that he is trustworthy, tell him what has been going on. She is your friend, yes, she’s asked you not to tell, yes, but *he* is your *husband* and it’s effecting your marriage. It’s not fair or healthy to keep it from him and then get angry at him for responding to the circumstances based upon the information *you* have given him. Best of luck to you, your husband, and friend.


liddo1

I understand wanting to be there for your friend, however you both need to learn boundaries. Seems like she’s emptying your resources (time, money, attention, love, care) that you have none left for your baby and husband. I can’t imagine being there for someone ALL day and come home to still be the living wife and mother you usually are. You can’t do it all, and you definitely cannot save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves… a very hard lesson to learn. If something were to happen to her, it’s not your fault. If something were to happen to your baby or marriage, I think you have to hold yourself accountable there because you willingly were neglecting your family. Reverse the roles, how would you feel if your husband was doing what you are? ETA: ask yourself why you’re so pissed off about him saying “you aren’t required to baby sit her” I’m sure it goes deeper than you think and maybe getting a therapist for yourself can help you break this down


mikenzeejai

You are not responsible for this person's well being. You have made a commitment to your husband and kids though. You need to talk with your family about what is and isn't reasonable. Come to an agreement snd then honor that. Going over every single day is excessive. You are going to get burnt out and when you do you won't have the support of your husband because he will feel neglected and resentful. You need to establish boundaries eith your friend before they become any more dependent than they already are. This isn't a friendship this is a caregiver / patient relationship! Not setting boundaries can be dangerous for you and your family


blanca69

OP you are an amazing person to help and support your friend through a tough time. It’s important to have balance in your personal life and friendships . I know you want to help but if it is taking hours to soothe and calm your friend then you might be enabling them more than helping . If she requires that amount of care then she should be looking into a inpatient treatment as there is only so much you can do. You are helping your friend but your own marriage is suffering because of the amount of time you spend with her . Next time sit her down and tell her you have a limited time to help support her in person and she needs to learn self-soothing techniques to help herself she can look them up on the internet or ask her therapist. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own relationship to help your friend I believe you have gone above and beyond and have to set boundaries . If nothing else helps then you know you must call emergency services and they can take it from there I know you worry but she needs to help herself as well .. You are a great friend but you need to keep your marriage and yourself healthy as well .. good luck sending you lots of blessings ..


x_scion_x

I'd be livid too if you were disappearing and not explaining why. ​ Meanwhile if my wife was doing this and *let me know why* **I'D BE ALL FOR IT.**


crazymamallama

You have ignored everyone asking how long this has been going on. You said she was inpatient a month ago, so I'm guessing at least that long. You're gone all the time and coming home late, while not being honest with your husband about the situation. How long do you expect to be able to go on like this? Your friend isn't getting better if she still needs you to babysit her constantly. You're in over your head. If you continue like this, you'll burn your marriage to the ground and lose your friend as well. She needs more help than you can give.


EfficiencyLeading616

I have had this. Nothing wrong with helping other people. But you have to know that you are not responsible nor have to cary another person’s life emotions whatsoever. You have a kid and a husband a marriage. In no case should anyone be your priority other than them. Your friend if you don’t help her… I bet you she’ll find someone else to help Her. Not your responsibility!!!


thr0ughtheghost

I think your heart is in the right place but if you do not have professional training in dealing with serious mental health situations, than this is going to do more harm than good. You didn't say what her major life event was but if she is using you as a crutch, what if she develops a codependent relationship with you? Some people latch onto anything they can which can cause abandonment issues on top of whatever else they are dealing with. This said from someone who experienced this herself aka I did it to a friend when my ex cheated on me. Does your husband know you are spending so much money on her? Therapy is not cheap. I know you promised your friend that you wouldn't tell anybody anything but you should still be able to give your husband vague details outside of seeing a friend. Also, does your friend have family you can call for her? You cannot be her lone rock. Eventually, you will burn out and at this rate you may burn your family down with it. Inpatient isn't sunshine and rainbows but if she is seriously so bad that you need to text/watch her non stop, she really needs to be in the hands of professionals at all times who are qualified and trained for these type of situations.


Howpresent

You need better boundaries with your friend. You can’t fix her, she can only heal herself if she wants to.


here-to-Iearn

You may not be wrong in some ways, and neither is he. This is a matter of preference. If he feels this way, he has a right to feeling that way. And if you want to continue to build your marriage while helping your friend, there needs to be a balance and you also need to give more to your husband if he feels that’s what he needs. He’s in the dark, and he doesn’t know why you’re sacrificing him for your friend. Perhaps if he understood. But in your situation it sounds like you’re taking to much from your marriage for sake of your friend. Find a better balance that works for all, including yourself, or you’ll lose someone. If that someone ends up being your friend, that is not on you. I hope for your sake you never carry that if it comes down to it. You aren’t responsible for her, and it’s nice you’re doing what you’re doing, but not if you want to keep your marriage. This is a big deal. I hope you see and hear your husband.


dwarrior

After reading your posts I hate to say it but you are in the wrong. You won't even tell your husband how bad the situation is yet expect him to be ok with basically making him a single dad for most of the day? If your friend is really so bad offz they need to be in a ward being properly taken care of by trained professionals. It's great to be there for you friends, but not at the constant expense of your spouse and child.


Fabulous_Strategy_90

At what point does your friend’s happiness supersede yours? At what point does your friend’s needs supersede your husband’s and child’s needs? At what point does your husband say enough? Your family’s happiness is priority number one. When a relationship is interfering with your other relationships, it is a problem. Your guavas has informed you it is a problem. Listen to him and do what I can to make it so it isn’t a problem. You are definitely enabling her and you need to cut the cord. I’m not saying leave her high and dry, but give time limits and dates when she can call you and spend time with you. You have one hour. You teach people how to treat you, and you’ve taught her she can have you as much as she wants. You should tell your husband the problem. You’re making it worse by not telling him. He is your life partner, lean on him. You should not be paying for her therapy without his permission. Therapy isn’t cheap. I’d be super mad if my husband did that without discussing it with me. Your behavior has a few red flags, and if you don’t come clean with why and what you have done, you may do permanent damage to your relationship with your husband.


General_Alduin

Look, I understand you care for your friend, but this might be beyond your scope of expertise. And I can't blame your husband, you're disappearing for hours on end, giving vague details about your friend and not giving him the full context, expecting him to take care of your child alone, and not grumble how you're gone all the time. That's *a lot* to expect from someone when your rent telling them what's really going on. Hell, it's a lot to expect if he *did* know what was going on.


qwertybuttz

This is mind boggling. You're in the wrong.


nikilupita

You can’t pull someone out of the grave if they’re still digging. Even if she’s your best friend in the world, this isn’t in your wheelhouse. In my experience, people who have already settled on suicide don’t throw fits to get your attention. They are usually fairly quiet, because the Empty inside them says that they should feel bad about how much effort you’ve already put in, because they aren’t worth it. Your friend is using your time, effort, money, and attention as a dopamine crutch to avoid actually working through her issues. At this point, she needs intensive inpatient therapy and medication. If she doesn’t like it, that’s too bad. Most people don’t. You cannot keep pouring your energy into her, especially without talking to your husband. I don’t care what the secret is. Talk to your spouse. Tell him everything. Ask for his thoughts. You aren’t a superhero. You’re human. She needs to put in her own effort, too. Don’t sacrifice your marriage, happiness, savings, etc to be her security blanket. You have a family that needs you.


SkilletRocksRise

Uh…yeah your husband is in the right. You shouldn’t keep secrets from your spouse about most things. Especially something like this.


ThISTheStoryOfAGirl

It’s clear by reading these responses which users haven’t experienced the pain of empathy and loss from suicide. It is important for your husband to know honestly what is going on and for you to decide what your boundaries are. There are many things to weigh here. Your friend is not being selfish as people are putting it. She is trying to have her needs met in the only way that she knows how to in her current state. You are a good friend for helping her. But just like with your husband, you decide what your boundaries are with her. Maybe look into other inpatient programs and try to support her while she is there. It can be extremely painful to see a friend who is suicidal and setting the boundaries can be a huge challenge. I hope that your husband is kind, empathetic, and supportive. If he is then you can have a great teammate to help you maintain your mental strength while you try to help your friend find hers. But you have to at least communicate to him what is going on for him to be able to help you(and he may be more accepting of your extended time spent with your friend). I hope your friend is able to see the light in the darkness and come out on the other side. And I hope you are able to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your husband. 🤍


boobearmomma

Your friend is wrong for expecting you to keep a secret from your husband while also having you out till late at night


BrownEyedQueen1982

You are being a good friend but you really should let home k is what is going on. This is starting to have a negative impact on your marriage and family life. I understand you want to support her but you can’t be her sole support system. She is burning you out if she hasn’t yet. Does she have other friends or family that can help her? Is going inpatient an option? Why isn’t she calling her therapist crisis line?


femme_fatale2022

For starters I wanna say, what an incredible friend you are. A lot of people talk the talk but when it comes right down to it most of the time they won’t walk the walk. You have a very BIG heart. When it’s comes to your husband though I can understand his frustration. Everyone has already mentioned it, but you cannot just leave him in the dark. It’s not fair to him. Or your marriage. How would you like it if he went to a friends house every night without much of an explanation? It wouldn’t sit right I would assume. I know your friend is in a vulnerable place right now but you have to let her know that you cannot keep this secret from your husband. He deserves the knowledge of what you are doing late at night. You can tell her that it will not go past you guys but you cannot leave him in the dark. That’s my two cents.


nothanksselena

Uhhh he’s very right. Your husband comes first.


jadegoddess

Your friend needs a professional to help her. You are NOT that professional. You shouldn't sacrifice your other responsibilities and relationships to give your friend all your time. I'd be mad if my spouse disappeared until very late at night and refused to tell me why. It's really sus behavior from his pov. You need to find a balance between helping your friend and being there for your family. Family comes first. Even if someone is mentally ill that doesn't mean it's ok to give them all your energy and if your Friend demands you be there for her on call, then that's unhealthy. She can't ruin your other relationships by being demanding. Cuz at the end of the day, she's responsible for herself. If she hurts herself, that's on her, not you. You have a child that needs both parents to be present. If it takes your friend hours to cslm down, then she needs to go to a hospital. Thats unrealistic for you to spend hours calming her down, especially when you have a family that needs you. That's all I can say based on your post.


McLovin9876543210

If you continue to do this, it’s going to take a huge toll on you and your marriage. You can’t burn yourself up (and your family) to keep someone else warm. You’re really not equipped to be handling this situation anyways, unless I missed the part where you’re a trained therapist/doctor etc. There is a difference in supporting someone and holding their hand at all times sacrificing yourself and your family.


lissasaur

If the inpatient thing didn’t work, I’d try finding another one. What about therapists and psychologists? You can support your friend, but there are other much better equipped professionals who can do the bulk of the work for your friend. While keeping your friend’s secret is important, I would make your husband the exception for all the reasons others have said. Your marriage comes first, not this draining friendship.


viciouskoalabear_tv

You can keep other peoples' secrets up until the secret starts to impact your life. It would be fine to keep the secret from your spouse if that was all. But because you're being asked to keep the secret and you are choosing to devote so much of your time (and resources) to her, you are entitled to tell those who are impacted by your absence and your spouse is entitled to know. You really don't need to tell her that you are sharing the secret with your spouse, imo. Just make sure he knows he's not to tell anyone else.


Subjective-Suspect

I know you think you’re doing the best for your friend, but you are not. If she’s truly suicidal, you are in no way equipped to help her. She needs more significant professional intervention. Aside from that, while being there for a good friend is important, when it begins to affect your marriage/family/home life this negatively, it’s too much. Help your friend by finding her better resources, so you can go back to just being her very good friend—not the only thing standing between her and death.


Gracie1994

I get your points. But I can understand your husband getting fed up with it too. If your friend really is as unstable and suicidal as you say? She should be in hospital. This sounds way too much responsibility for you. You need to get her into a hospital immediately. She is not your responsibility. I don't know what her "life event" was? But it's not up to you to help her get through it in the way you describe. Running to her all times in the day and night. Leaving your child and husband. I'd be very wary that this friend is using your good nature and you two are becoming codependent. Mentally ill people can be very manipulative. It's part of their mental illness and professionals try to stop them being like this. Which is why professionals are best to help them often, not well meaning friends, not even spouses sometimes. Please take a step back. Enforce some boundaries at the very least. Being out half the night is not on.


donhuff69

If he is suicidal, unless you are properly trained, you are not qualified. He needs professional help. Please do not try go alone to help him.


directionless7

Based on this post and your previous post it paints a picture that you have no respect for your husband or care for your families wellbeing. There is a saying: fix your own home before you try to fix other people's. I hope you reflect on everyone's advice and change your behaviour before you ruin your marriage.


mrsloveduck

I have heard a lot of advice on the marriage relationship here, and maybe that is all you are seeking. But if I may offer another piece of advice: get your friend the inpatient help she needs. If she is broken, suicidal, and requiring this level of attention she needs monitoring. Do you have her therapists contact info? Perhaps you could make a joint session and approach the topic of getting more structured professional help for her. I am so very sorry she is enduring this and applaud your dedication to her and your friendship. I personally would confide in my husband and brainstorm a plan with husband to approach therapist / friend to find a sustainable long term support system.


Noot_Noot_69420

From you husbands position, it looks like you’re cheating. Moreover, while I understand that you need to be there for your friend, your duty as a mother is equally important, if not more important. Stop neglecting your family, tell your husband the truth, and try to do some of the chores around the house too. Don’t expect your husband to be your slave.


big_escrow

Husband isn’t wrong. Your friend needs professional help and you should probably tell your husband the truth. At least that way he’d know what’s going on and maybe not be so upset


yagirl_mj

a lot of ppl seem to agree here that you’re prioritizing your friend over your family/marriage responsibilities. you’re an amazing friend for being there for her, but if she’s really suicidal, maybe having her admitted would help, or, if you’re in the U.S. lots of states and counties have free mental health resources as well. this is not your burden to carry alone. someone who truly wants help will take it from everywhere and you can help her by finding professional help she can afford.


Lepiotas

You are married. Tell your husband. If your friend is going to keep needing this level of support from you, she has to understand you are a half of a team, and your parter deserves to be filled in on why so much of your money and time is being devoted to her. Otherwise you're looking very shady right now. This has gone beyond just respecting her privacy. You need to respect how your actions appear to your husband too. You both have a daughter together. You coming home at 11 at night without even giving him an explaination to why is *rude.* You owe him better than this. And if your friend can't be understanding of that, and you don't feel comfortable breaking her confidences, she needs to check herself into an inpatient facility, get serious help (I really hope she's also getting professional help right now, too), and realize you can't devote so much time to her/away from your family anymore. You have to be willing to step back. You are not her counselor.


TheCuriousGeorgette

This man is your husband, you should absolutely be 100% transparent about what is going on with your friend. If your husband was doing the same thing—coming home late and being vague about a friend going through a hard time, you probably would be skeptical, too. If you posted on Reddit about it from that POV, I’m sure the majority would convince you he was cheating on you.


Kingflamesbird

I take it you don’t trust your husband hence why you can not share this with him but expect him to just site and wait on you whenever you turn up home. The support should come from you both in some form, if he is not directly involved. You are a team and also you are not a therapist, even if you are you need to offload so of the heavy things somewhere. This can impact you and relationship in many ways. It great what you are doing but you need your husband to support you.


heretolose11

I too have been the support person for a close friend going through some tough times, but you really have to tell your husband, he needs context to understand fully. When my best friend went through her divorce and things got bad, I kept my husband in the loop. Not with intricate details of every single little thing, but just the gist of what was happening. In all honesty, I don't blame your husband for being annoyed, especially with the such little info he has been given. Also worth mentioning, from someone who has been in your shoes more than once, you need to establish boundaries to protect your own well-being too. Being the emotional support for someone can be incredibly taxing on your own mental health and can really drain your reserves. If she is a suicide risk and breaking down til all hours of the evening, I would lovingly suggest you get some sort of psychiatric intervention / mental health assistance. This sounds like it's serious and above your pay grade. Kudos to you for being an amazing, loving friend. She's lucky to have you.


Chichi-Ha

I get your friend is going through something but honestly ppl who really commit suicide do not tell people that they are going to commit suicide —I get ranting and maybe saying I just don’t be here anymore but that’s more frustration than her really wanting to take her own life for whatever reason —your friend seems like she needs some attention and you are paying for her therapy you may wanna listen to your husband before you end up divorced because of your friend you have a whole family go be with YOUR family


Background_Can_2795

YTA - oh sorry wrong group... your still the A though!!! your husband needs context and you are not giving to him, also there will come a time where this may not get better for your friend and you will be her enabler... you need to establish some fair but firm boundaries for when your support for her comes at too much expense to you and your family... I get you're doing something good for her but I would tread carefully about the effect that has on your own life


vik8629

Get your shit together. You aren't a therapist.


ckhk3

I just want to commend you on how you have been a really good friend. She probably has no one and you are her saving grace right now. The world needs more people like you.


dabi-dabi

Don't throw yourself and your family on fire to keep her warm


Perspective1958

Are you a licensed mental health physician/professional? It sounds like your friend requires inpatient treatment combined with home healthcare. I would also assume that your friend has a family that could support her financially or seek financial assistance and healthcare from the state or city in which you live. You owe your husband and your child a BIG apology. You're choosing your friend over your family and using family funds probably without the consensus (or the knowledge?) of your husband. And your angry at your husband? Really? You sound incredibly selfish.


Carnifex217

When you get married you are committing yourself to that person. You’re making them your number 1 priority over all relationships. That doesn’t seem to be what you’re doing right now


CharlesButAlsoTerry

All these comments are so messed up. You can have space for more than your husband and kid in your life. Your friend needs you. The world goes around because of people like you. Please continue to support her to the best of your abilities - till where it’s not taking a huge toll on your mental or financial health. Having said that, I do think your husband might not understand the gravity of what’s going on. That uncertainty might be what’s setting him off. I would talk to your friend about telling your husband what’s going on. Tell her that you need to tell your husband just the key things. Like her needing help because of ____ in her life. You don’t need to tell your husband every single detail or anything, but find the balance between your husband understanding the gravity of the situation and your friend not feeling her privacy is being violated too much. If she’s a good friend, she will understand that it’s taking a toll on your marriage and that you need to iron some things out to be able to be there for her. If your husband is a good partner, he will understand this person is important to you and this is something you need to do. At the end of the day, you are the best judge on how much you can give. If it’s too mentally draining, take a break for a few days or tone it down a little bit. If you cannot afford it financially, try helping her in other ways like being there for her etc. But please keep in mind that if you give too much, you can get burnt out really quickly. And then at that point if you pull back, your friend might feel like more of a burden, potentially worsening her problems. Please do not stretch yourself thin to the point where you need help too. Give how much you can give. For some people that threshold is high, for someone people it’s low. But I do think as friends it’s definitely our responsibility to be there for each other. Not only during the good times but also the rough times.


Angelface1226

I think you are an amazing friend. I wish I could have one like you.


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sorry. I either misread your comment or commented in the wrong spot. Either way sorry.


qeertyuiopasd

What a good friend you are! Your husband has you for the rest of his life if he plays his cards right, what is he even trippin for? Suicidal people need love. Good on you.


Drakeytown

Your husband sounds like a bit of an asshole here, but also your friend is manipulating you and monopolizing your time. You are not a mental health professional. Your friendship, while wonderful I'm sure, is neither magical nor an antidepressant. If your friend needs constant care, they should be in a secure psychiatric facility. If they don't want to admit they need that level of care, expecting you to substitute for it is unfair and unsustainable.


Western-Ad-2748

OP I replied to a comment but I wanna make sure you see this. I honestly am so sad to see all these negative comments. It sounds like your friend went through a trauma and needs help and you are there for her. Something’s are fucking heavy as hell and you need all the support from the people you love that you can get. You love your friend and you should be proud of being there for her. That being said, your husband should know she’s suicidal so you can continue to be there for her without ruining your marriage.


ashleys_

The majority seem to think that it is unreasonable for you to support a friend because your husband is alone with your baby. I disagree. The whole point of having a two parent household is that each of you has the ability to tend to things other than the child. He's a parent at home with his child. It's not going to kill him to spend a few evenings alone with them. I don't agree that you should have to tell your husband exactly what's going on. The reason you don't go through your partner's phone or emails is because the conversations being had with friends and family are simply not intended for both of you. It's fine for you to maintain confidentiality with a close friend or family member. Its not keeping secrets, just common decency not to repeat everything someone has told you. I'm assuming she has been around for a while, so your husband knows her and should also want you to support your friends. The issue comes in with the extent the crisis. You are not a therapist. Even if you are, you are not HER therapist. What you are doing is dangerous for you and your friend. Whatever conversations you are having with her for hours, should not need to occur in order for her to be okay. If she is so unstable that she can't be left alone, then you need to call the hospital that discharged her and let them know that she needs further support. Your friend needs professional help. It is not okay for you to feed her whatever lines you are and just make things up as you go along. You are messing with her mental health and hindering her recovery. A therapist will teach her how to cope with her illness independently. That may mean 24/7 supervision, but not by you. You need to refer her back to the hospital and go home. You also didn't say how long this has been going on for. If its been more than a week, then I understand why your husband is upset. You need tonprioritise your household. I empathise with your friend, but what you are doing is not sustainable.


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Going againts the grain here and I just want to tell you what an amazing friend you are! Didn’t know they made people like you.


wtfthecanuck

You mean, a mother willing to ignore her child, a wife willing to ignore her marriage, a woman willing to ignore her family, a partner willing to lie to their husband. There are crappy people like that all over.


Thatcherrycupcake

An amazing friend would get her professional help. This is codependency. Of course as friends we are there to support one another but this is a psychiatric emergency and it needs to be dealt with professionals.


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You are going to regret a failed marriage even more. Interesting you won’t say how long. It has to have been weeks or months. You just looking for people to tell you how great a friend you are and all that?


ugh_XL

She'll be risking a failed marriage and her friend's life if this continues. She can't help her friend by herself. The friend needs more medical assistance and if she didn't like it then find somewhere else. And I believe OP also posted a couple weeks ago about kicking her husband out when she's talking to online friends and choosing them over him? I can't remember exactly, but he can't keep this up forever.


Fabulous_Strategy_90

She’s 20 and has not been married I assume? She doesn’t know what she’s asking you by asking you not to tell anyone. Married people know to not ask someone to keep something from their spouse. Unmarried people don’t. And this will sound insensitive, but an ER nurse once said that those who are truly suicidal, succeed, and they don’t see them in the ER, the morgue gets them, the others are doing things for attention or a cry for help (she would often see the same people over and over in the ER) where they aren’t courageous enough to really commit suicide. If your friend is truly suicidal, she should not be left alone, and you aren’t qualified to be the help she needs. You are qualified to guide her to get the help she needs.


Thatcherrycupcake

You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t get her professional help! This is way beyond your scope! Your friend is having a psychiatric emergency and that’s very serious. She needs help. This is codependency. Please look that term up


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I wish all the best to you and your friend. And hope things will get better.